Doc Martin and the Legend of the Cloutie (2003) - full transcript

Subtitling made possible by
Acorn Media

NICKY: Harry.

You did not see
the Beast of Bodmin.

Now, stop lying.

- How do you know I didn't?
- Because it doesn't exist.

[ Whining ] I want to go home.
I want to go home.

Tasha, that's enough.
Harry's just teasing.

Aren't you, Harry?

- No.
- Harry!

What?

Do you know
when I was your age, Harry,



I loved the Loch Ness monster.

That was my thing... Nessie.

- Oh, for God's sake, Tim.
- No, no. Let me finish.

The Loch Ness monster was to me

what the Beast of Bodmin
is to Harry...

just a harmless
childhood fantasy.

Isn't that right, old chum?

"Nessie jumps on her victims
from behind, breaks their necks,

punctures their spinal cord,
and rips their throats out..."

You're right, Dad.
Just a harmless fantasy.

- Mummy!
- Well done, darling.

Right. That is enough.

Give me that. Give me...

Now, stop it!



I saw it.

[ Animal growls ]

MARTIN: It's beautiful.

How many acres?

20.

And the... the village is what,
five miles?

Three. it's very close.
Very, very, very.

That's a pity.

Well, it's more like four,
really.

Five if you go across the moors.
It's very private.

And what about the neighbors?

Um, Charley Blake. He's the...

The publican.

- Very nice man.
- He's a very nice man, yeah.

He lives about a mile that way.
Towards the sea.

Has an easement
to drive through here.

- I love it.
- Shall we have a look inside?

MARTIN: Through here?

SHAWCROSS: As you can see,
all the original features

are basically still original.

A-Apart from those
eaten by the pigs.

[ Chuckles ]

Pigs were
the owner's livelihood.

And, uh, they lived in the house
with him,

which was unusual, I suppose.

But he was, uh...

- A bachelor.
- Yes.

Well, I used to live with pets.
Not pigs. No.

Anyway, through here we have
a traditional Cornish parlor

which once enjoyed
many original features, uh,

including windows, of course.

What happened?

Well, uh, Den moved into
the home about eight months ago.

Word got out. Thieves broke in.

Everything went. Scrimpers.

That's good luck.

Keep it. [ Laughs ]

- I'd like to make an offer.
- Well, great.

[ Horn honking ]

Uh, would you...
I better just go see.

NICKY: Mr. Shawcross? Hello?

Timmy!

SHAWCROSS: Hello, there!

I wasn't expecting you
until next Friday.

No, always today. [ Laughs ]

Must have got the dates
mixed up.

- How nice to see you.
- TIM: [ Laughing ] Hello.

This is Dr. Bamford.
He's also here to see the house.

Right. You said no one else
was interested.

That's right. I did.

- Uh, but now...
- I am.

Oh, right.

What?

Look! The beast! Over there!

Look! Look, over there!

NATASHA:
I don't want to see the beast.

Please, Mummy,
please can we go home?

Tasha, that is enough!
He is teasing you!

What exactly are we looking at?

The Beast of Bodmin.

- The...
- it eats little girls.

Ooh. Scary.

I think you should go now.

It's not your house.

Yet.

Do you know Harold Reece?

SHAWCROSS: Oh, yes.

We do a lot
of business together.

Yes, we like
the cut of Harold's jib.

- Yeah. [ Laughs ]
- [ Laughs ]

He's a very practical man,
isn't he, Harold?

He has his method, all right.

TIM: Oh, I should say so.

He reckons we could get planning
for what,

about 20 holiday cottages?

You're kidding.

- No, no, all we have to...
- Shut up, Tim.

Oh. Sorry, sorry.

Well, what happens now?

Sealed bids?

Good idea.

Which we could do now,
if everyone is in agreement.

Great.

All right. Okay.

So I'll just go and get a pencil
and paper if you'll excuse me.

Oh! Ooh! Ah! Ooh!

There's five grand in it for you
on top of your commission

if you accept our bid over his.

This is Cornwall, Mrs. Bowden,
not London.

- Six, then.
- Done.

Anything broken?

No, fine.

Pity.

Sorry, Doctor.

What did you say to him earlier?

SHAWCROSS: Right.

Well, then, I guess, if there's
nothing more for me to do here,

I'll notify the owner
that he has a buyer,

and we'll have your deposit...

Uh, soon.

Right.

Goodbye, Dr. Bamford.

I hope you find
what you're looking for.

I did.

But the best man won.

- [ Laughs ]
- [ Laughs ]

[ Sighs ]

NATASHA: Mummy.

Mummy! I don't want to stay
if there's a beast.

Tasha, darling, how many times
have I told you,

there is no beast.

NATASHA: Promise.

Look, darling, Mummy and Daddy

would never let
anything happen to you.

You know that. Now, come on.

Buck up!

And be brave like Daddy.

[ Seagulls squawking ]

- Thank you.
- Thank you, Justine.

[ Beeping, drawer opens ]

[ Coins clink, drawer closes ]

- Hello, Doctor.
- Morning.

You like Den's place, eh?

How do you know
I was at Den's place?

Oh, Lolita told us.

How did Lolita know?

She saw the particulars
on your mantelpiece.

- Or was it the kitchen table?
- No, it was the mantelpiece.

It was next to the invitation
to the Royal something.

Academy. The Royal Academy.

What was Lolita doing
in my house?

- Have to ask her.
- I will.

- Morning, Doc.
- Good morning!

Cheers.

I must catch the tide.

- Oh, um, if you get a lobster...
- I'll drop him by.

Thank you.

How do you like Tregrunnt?

Who told you I was at Tregrunnt?

- Mitch.
- Well, who told Mitch? Lolita?

- Vernon.
- Vernon?

Has Vernon been in my cottage?

- Why would he do that?
- Well, everybody else does.

Vernon saw you on the moors

just before
you turned in to Tregrunnt.

Oh. Silly me.

RITA:
Have you had that wart long?

Years.

- I can get rid of that.
- I doubt it.

It survived
nuclear attack twice.

I zapped it,
but nothing happened.

What are you doing?

Done.

Oh. Thanks very much indeed.

I'm sure the wart enjoyed it.

Bad day?

Yeah.

I went to Den's farm.
It was perfect.

So I said I wanted
to put in an offer.

Everything was fine.

Then this other lot turn up,
and now I've lost it.

It doesn't exist, you know?

It bloody does.

It's gonna help me
get that farm.

What you should do, of course,
is get yourself a cloutie.

- A what?
- Cloutie.

It's a piece of cloth.

You tie it to a branch,
and then you make a wish.

And as the cloth rots,
the wish comes true.

- But you have to be careful.
- Yeah, that's right.

Because what you wish for
will come back at you.

Threefold.

What a load of old cobblers.

All right.

Stop.

- Can I help you?
- This is private property.

Yes, and we're the new owners,

and you happen
to be trespassing.

You are?

Charles Blake.
I own Tredrizzard.

I'm down the valley.

Oh, right. I'm Nicky Bowden.

- And this is Tim, my husband.
- Hi.

Can we offer you a cup of tea
or anything?

Uh, no. Thank you.

Things to do.

Oh. Out the way.

[ Speaking indistinctly ]

[ Cellphone rings ]

That you, brother?

Been trying to get hold of you
for days. Where have you been?

There was a big storm in Biscay.
Had no time for the phone.

Where are you now?

Just rounded the cape.
Is everything ready?

No. Everything is not ready.

You're two days early
and Tregrunnt has new owners.

We have to postpone
this madness.

Charley, I can't do that.

I'm on the radar at Falmouth.
It's got to be tonight.

[ Click, dial tone ]

- [ Knock on door ]
- Come in.

Lolita is here to see you,
Doctor.

Oh, good. Show her in, please.

Lolita.

How are we today?

No one likes being a widow,
Doctor.

Well, you just need
to find yourself...

A good Cornishman. Aye.

I'm not too worried though,
you know?

No? Why is that?

A man is coming for me.

Good. Maybe he can keep you
out of my cottage.

Who's the lucky fellow?

I don't know.
I haven't set eyes on him yet.

But I will do
with the help of Mr. Magnus.

Who's Mr. Magnus?

My spiritual guide.

Ahh. [ Chuckles ]

What can I do for you?

I have a sickness, doctor.
[ Clears throat ]

See, next week is a big one
for us.

Lunasa.

It's the celebration of
the Greek moon goddess, Artemis.

Now, if I'm gonna go sky-clad
on that one,

I don't want to be carrying
a cold, if you know what I mean.

Lolita, you and I
have to discuss something.

I know.

Now, I... I don't want to seem
antisocial or ungrateful,

but I really do need...

Tregrunnt.
You were gazumped, right?

- Yes.
- We'll use a cloutie.

- Oh, not you as well.
- Are you doubting a cloutie?

Where I come from,
if you want to buy a house,

you use money, not a cloutie.

Well, we do things differently
down here, Doctor.

You should know that by now.

Oh, yes, Cornish problems
require Cornish solutions.

Yes, well, I've got
a Cornish solution of my own.

- Not a cloutie?
- No, not a cloutie.

- Clouties are very powerful.
- I'm sure they are.

Mm. Oh, well. You'll learn.

You gonna examine me or am I
gonna catch my death of cold?

Yes, of course. Sorry.

[ Sawing ]

Woof! Woof! Woof!

[ Growling ]

[ Growls ]

Night, Doctor.

Oh. Good night.

- [ Cat screeches ]
- Bloody cat!

Good night.

[ Door closes ]

[ Reggae music playing ]

- [ Coughs ]
- CHARLEY: Hello?

Charley?
We've got a small problem.

- What's that?
- Wind's dropped.

- Use the engine.
- I can't.

- Why not?
- Don't have any diesel.

- What happened to the diesel?
- I spent the money.

- On what?
- Oh, Spanish senoritas.

No, don't worry. I'm coming.

You better make it by daylight.

[ Animal screeches ]

[ Wings flapping ]

[ Bellowing ]

What was that?

[ Clicking ]

[ Bellowing ]

- It's here!
- What is?

The beast! The beast is outside!

[ Tape rewinds ]

[ Bellowing ]

- No, that's no beast.
- What is it?

No, trust me.

I've heard plenty of big cats
in Africa.

That's no big cat.
It's more like a domestic tom.

[ Sighs ] You see?

There's nothing to worry about.
Now, go back to bed.

Can't I sleep with you?

Please.

Oh, come on. Come on, then.

NICKY: [ Yawns ]

Oh!

That was human.
There's someone out there.

I don't know who you are,
but I'm warning you.

I'm an officer
in Her Majesty's British Army.

I'm armed,
and I'm not afraid to use it.

So put your hands in the air,
come out, and I won't shoot you.

I warn you! I will shoot!

So come out
with your hands raised!

By the house, Dad!

[ Rattling ]

Got you.

[ Breathing heavily ]

[ Sighs ]

Well, you must have
more than one constable on duty

on the north coast.

Right. Thank you. Goodbye.

Won't be long.

[ Telephone rings ]

Yeah.

? And if ever I return again ?

? I shall make you my bride ?

[ Laughs ]

Charley?

[ Rooster crows ]

[ Breathing heavily ]

Greetings from Africa.

I'll give you greetings from
bloody Africa, you daft bastard.

[ Chuckles ]

Anybody sees us,
we'll go to jail.

Hug?

You've done plenty
of crazy things in the past,

but this is totally insane.

- [ Laughs ]
- Come on.

I want to show you something.

- Blimey.
- [ Laughs ]

[ Exhales sharply ]

Coast guard, please.

Well, someone who deals
with smuggling!

[ Cellphone ringing ]

Vernon. Vernon!

Coast guard's got
an emergency job for you, boy!

[ Siren wailing ]

Nobody here now.

Did you get a look at him?

Well, uh...
Well, he was wearing camouflage.

What was he doing
wearing camouflage?

PETER ON RADIO:
John, are you there?

Come back, please.

John, here.

I've a reported sighting

of two vessels acting
suspiciously off Dizzard Point.

Coast guard has a man
on the way.

Could you give him backup? Over.

Message received, Peter.
On me way.

[ Motorbike engine revving ]

[ Siren wailing ]

- Did you see anything?
- No, sir.

- What about Charley's boat?
- On its mooring, sir.

- See any yachts?
- No, sir.

We're dealing with some
slick professionals here, boy.

Think so, sir?

- Now what, sir?
- We visit Charley.

You don't think
Charley's involved

in smuggling, do you, sir?

Someone 'round here
is up to something,

and I intend to find out who.

It's very exciting, sir.

Very, very exciting.

[ Rooster crows ]

Charley?

You there?

Where is he?

[ Clanging ]

Shit!

Morning, Doc.

Morning, Charley.

You're up early.

Yeah, yeah,
I just wanted to do that.

Why's your face black?

Mm? Is it?

Uh, so it is. I must have, uh...

Put it on.

- Yeah.
- Were you spying on me?

Why on earth
would I want to do that?

Well, you're the one with
the binoculars. You tell me.

Oh. All right.

I was trying to
impersonate the beast.

What?

The Beast of bloody Bodmin.

I thought it might scare off
that horrible woman

and her family
down at Tregrunnt.

You know, she said something
to that estate agent.

So I thought to myself,
"if she can bend the rules,

I can bend the rules too."

[ Laughs ]

Yeah, isn't this all
just a little bit...

- it's desperate, isn't it?
- [ Laughs ] Yes.

I really want that house,
Charley.

"I wanted to thank you."

"I wanted to say thank you."

No, "I just wanted..."

Yes, "I just..."

"I just wanted to say
thank you."

Yeah.

Morning.

I came to thank you.

- What for?
- This.

And I'd like some advice.

Come in.

- Uh, have a seat.
- Thank you.

Sugar?

No. No, thanks.

So?

So?

Advice?

Right, yes.

This, um, cloutie.

Um, I mean... [ Sighs ]

What... What... Well, where?

- Where... Where do...
- Get one?

Yeah.

I thought you said you didn't
believe in that shite.

No, I... I didn't say
it was shite, did I?

No, I didn't.
I might have said rubbish.

But I was being rash.

This is... This is Cornwall,
isn't it?

Things happen differently
down here.

Little bit of magic
never did anyone any harm.

You have to believe.

Oh, absolutely, yeah.

Wh-o-o-o-oa!

[ Laughs ]

If that's the way you feel,
you shouldn't have come here.

If you don't mind,
I've got to get dressed.

And, um, don't let the door
hit your ass on the way out.

[ Tires screech ]

[ Tires screech ]

CHARLEY: There you go, Vicar.

"Fumer provoque le cancer."

That's French
for "fresh from the continent."

?4.50, please.

Afraid this'll be the last
for a while.

I'm closing down
this side of my operation

for the foreseeable future.

Trouble?

I understand.

Excuse me.

We're looking for
a Charles Blake.

- That would be me.
- Customs and Excise.

We're making inquiries

into the possibility
of illegal contraband

arriving here on the north coast
last night.

There was a sighting of a vessel
acting suspiciously,

possibly putting ashore
at Dizzard.

That's your place, isn't it,
Charley?

- Yeah.
- Know anything about it?

No.

So you weren't
out in your boat last night?

No, sir.

An eyewitness saw a boat
put into your cove

at about 5:00 this morning.

- Wasn't you?
- No, sir.

So where were you when
a constable knocked on your door

at 5:30 this morning?

On my way here.

Why?

I checked my stock.

I thought I'd come
into the village,

buy some bread for my breakfast.

- What stock?
- I've 20 sheep.

- What kind?
- Jacobs.

- My dad's got Jacobs.
- Shut up.

Have you seen or heard
anything suspicious,

any strangers acting, uh...

Suspiciously? No, sir.

You'll tell us is you hear
anything, wouldn't you, Charley?

Oh!

[ Door opens ]

Some idiot's left their car
blocking the entire street.

There's always one, isn't there?

- Your car, is it?
- JIMMY: That's right.

If we want to park our car in
the middle of the road, we will.

Because we're customs agents.

MARTIN: Oh.

- Never have guessed.
- JIMMY: What does that mean?

It means
you've left your car blocking...

Yeah, all right.
Just shut it, right?

You keep smiling, Charley.

But remember this...
We're gonna be watching you.

If we find anything
that might suggest

you're involved in something
you shouldn't be...

ooh, you naughty boy...
not even the big geezer upstairs

is gonna be able
to sort you out, capisce?

Capisce.

I'll be keeping me eye
on you and all, chum.

I look forward to that.

[ Exhales slowly ]

Charley, you don't happen
to know anything

about a cloutie, do you?

North and west,
I've done with thee,

and so I turn toward the south.

Even ash...

Hello there.

Sorry.
Am I interrupting something?

Uh, nearly finished.
Take a seat.

Even ash, even ash,
I pluck thee,

this night my true love to see,

neither in his rick
or in his rear,

but in the clothes
he does every day wear.

So mort it be.

W-What happens now?

Tonight I shall see him.

And this works?

Always.

What can I do for you?

[ Grunts ]

One cloutie.

- That's it, is it?
- Mm-hmm.

Terrific.

Thanks, Lolita.

[ Cellphone ringing ]

Hello.

Hello?

Charley. What are you doing
in a phone box?

Customs are onto us.

- What do you mean?
- Someone saw me coming in.

- They sure it's you?
- No.

Did they see
what you had on board?

- I don't think so.
- Then we're okay.

Just don't go
anywhere near the mine.

If they're watching us,
there's nothing we can do, yeah.

You stay away, you hear?

- For how long?
- Till they go.

[ Knock on door ]

Come in.

Henry Pinton to see you, Doctor.

Thank you. Show him in.

- PETERS: Henry.
- HENRY: Thank you.

- Hello, Henry. How are you?
- Oh, not too bad, Doctor.

How's that arm?

- Stiff.
- Is it?

Yep, okay.

Slip your shirt off, sit down.
I'll give you your shot.

Have you met
your new neighbors yet?

Yes. They're lovely people.

Little girl was a bit worried
about the Beast of Bodmin.

Really?

But I said, "I've been
in Trevine for 25 years",

haven't lost a sheep yet.

If there was a beast,

"I'd know because every morning
I count my girls."

- Did that reassure her?
- It did that.

Great.

Is that one of
Lolita's clouties?

Yes, it is.

You want to be very careful
how you use those.

They're mighty powerful.

Hmm. Really?

Sweetie?

Oh. Thank you, Doctor.

Hey, Herbert.

- Hello, Rob.
- Hello, mate. How you doing?

- Fine. What can I do for you?
- Is your boat still for sale?

- Yes.
- Excellent.

LESTER: I mean, there's so many
words we use every day,

and we don't know
where they come from.

Take a packet
of Rizla rolling papers.

I mean,
not many people know this,

but the inventor's name's

actually on the outside
of the pack.

You see this part?

"Riz."

That's French for rice paper.

That's what they're made of.

Now, the "La" part... that's the
part we're interested in...

No, we're not.

The "La" part and the picture
of the cross next to it...

That's the man's name.

Lacroix.

Lacroix... the French inventor
of Rizla rolling papers.

Do you know why Tia Maria's
called Tia Maria?

Customs.

What you talking
to Rob Blake about?

- Boat.
- Yeah, what about it?

He wants to buy it.

How's he gonna pay
for that, then?

Cash. It's always cash with Rob.

Yeah. Yeah, I'll bet it is.

Rob Blake?

Customs.

Mind if we join you
for a minute?

So, uh, how long
were you away for?

- Oh, a couple of years.
- Must be nice, eh?

Sail 'round the world
couple of years.

Where did you get the money?

I sold my share of our farm to
Henry Pinton when Father died.

Bought this little beauty.
Left Charley to run the rest.

JIMMY: Your brother,
Charles Blake, owns Tredrizzard?

Yeah.

I guess,
with a boat like this, Rob,

you don't get much interest from
the authorities on your travels.

No.

Very clever.

[ Sniffs ]

You smoke marijuana, Rob?

[ Chuckles ]

Oh, I swear I can smell
something a bit funny on here.

Oh, that's the bilges.

Yeah, I've got a leak
on a garboard seal.

- Really?
- Yeah.

So, what do you keep
in the bilges?

Shit, normally.

[ Snorts, laughs ]

Know what
I'm dying to find out, Rob?

What your brother took off
this boat two nights ago.

Don't know
what you're talking about.

Coast guard
tracked you from Falmouth.

You would have
sailed past Tredrizzard

at approximately the same time
as a boat was spotted

heading back
to your brother's private cove.

Your vessel, Rob,

was the only vessel registered
in the area at that time.

Yeah, but it's August.

There's a lot of yachts
in that area

aren't registered with
the coast guard at Falmouth.

You must have me mistaken
for somebody else.

With this cloutie

I do wish to become
the one true owner

of Tregrunnt Farm

by any means foul or fair.

By any means fair.

If you could manage that,
I'd be grateful.

Yeah.

[ Wind whistling ]

Anybody there?

[ Animal shrieks ]

[ Rustling ]

Who's that?

[ Dog whimpers ]

[ Barks ]

What's that?

Oh, Jesus.

It had a broken neck,

with the skin stripped back
from its head.

But the weird thing was it was
sort of hidden like, in a bush.

Definitely cat kill, Henry.

How do we know it wasn't dogs?

CHARLEY:
Dogs don't kill like that.

- Pint, there, Doc.
- Please.

They're cowards.
They hunt in packs.

Bring an animal down
from the rear, gorge themselves,

leave it where it falls.

Cats are a different kind
of killer.

Big cat will kill
by severing the spinal cord

with a bite
to the back of the neck.

Then drag it off, bury it,
come back when he's hungry.

Where the hell did you learn
all that from, then?

Oh, right. Justine's got
a ton of them things.

So, what we saying here, boys?

- The beast is back, Henry.
- [ Coughing ]

Who's back?

The Beast of Bodmin, Doc.

Last night he killed
one of Henry's ewes.

One? He took two of my ewes.

Found one this morning.
The other's still missing.

Wow!

That's... That's bad luck,
isn't it?

Bad luck. What are you gonna do?

- Call the papers.
- CHARLEY: Henry, do me a favor.

Don't go reporting this
to the papers.

If the papers find out...

They can pay
for my missing ewes.

You got any change
for the phone?

MITCH: Yeah, world needs
to know, Charley.

Certainly does.

Hello. [ Chuckles ]

- Mr. Bowden?
- That's me.

- Harold Reece, architect.
- Ah, yes, sir.

So any news?

Well, I must start
by telling you

I'm shocked by what
has happened, shocked.

We didn't get planning?

They were in complete agreement
until this morning.

Then they woke up
and changed their minds.

No reason given.

But you said it couldn't fail.

I know.

We'll appeal.

- [ Knock on door ]
- Come in.

Lolita to see you, Doctor.

Terrific. Show her in.

Hello, Lolita.

You heard the good news?
The beast is back.

- I have a message for you.
- Who from?

Your wife.
She wants you to contact her.

Well, who told you this?
Was it Mr. Magnus?

I spoke to her on the phone.

You got to ring her.
She's very upset.

Well, how come she called you?

She didn't. She called you.
I picked it up.

- I needed some tea.
- Thanks for the message, Lolita.

It's happened, you know?

I've met him.

My true love.

[ Telephone rings ]

Hello.

Hello, Petronella. It's Martin.

How are you?

- It's official.
- What's official?

We're divorced.

Did... Did you hear me, Martin?

Yes.

Congratulations.

You too.

I hope you find what
you're looking for down there.

So do I.

Bye.

Mrs. Peters.

Can you cancel everything
this afternoon, please?

[ Door opens ]

[ Door closes ]

Perhaps you'd like to bet on it,
Mrs. Gorrie.

Brandy, perhaps?

Oh, no.

- Afternoon, Martin.
- Hi.

What can I get you?

What do you drink
to celebrate a divorce?

Told you.

How did you know
I was getting divorced?

I'm sorry, Martin.

It's... it's just...

Everybody knows everything
about my bloody life.

I... I must go.

Perhaps you should come
and have tea with me later.

- We could talk.
- I don't want to talk.

No. Well...

You know where I am.

- Whiskey?
- Yes. Please.

People are only interested
in your business

because they care about you,
Martin.

I'm just tired of it.

Well, this is a village.

One of the reasons
we choose to live here

is because the community
is so small.

You knew that
when you moved down.

Nothing's changed.
Nothing will change.

[ Sighs ] I know.
I guess I'm just...

Angry.

She was my best friend.

I miss her.

Maybe what's meant to be
is meant to be.

Please don't talk to me
about what's meant to be

or what's written in the stars
or the tea leaves

or the crystal ball or on
a cloutie tied to a branch.

It's all crap.

- Is that so?
- Yes.

Well, maybe you might be able
to explain

why they've turned down
the planning at Tregrunnt.

They what?

Ah, Dr. Bamford.
And what can we do for you?

I heard you had some bad news.
Planning application.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
We're going to appeal.

Oh, I thought that once...

I bet you did.
Don't be so stupid.

What's this?

TIM: This is how we're
gonna cover our costs.

Haven't they got
anything better to print?

Not in August
when the courts are closed

and Parliament is in recess.

Even the pop stars
are on holiday.

[ Laughs ]
There's nothing to write about.

Last year it was the
great white shark of Padstow.

Do you remember?

No.

No, well,
The News put up a reward

for a photo of the animal.

Padstow was packed with tourists
trying to get a picture of it.

You couldn't rent a boat
for love nor money.

This year, it's the beast.

Yeah, Beast Valley.

That's what I thought
we should call the place.

Beast Valley cottages.
Catchy, isn't it?

NICKY: [ Laughs ]

Excuse me.

TIM: Off you go.

Hi.

Hi. How did it go?

Terrible.

Oh. They're staying?

They think the beast's
gonna make them lots of money.

Yeah.

Do you still have that puma?

[ Engine revving ]

Can I help you?

Cats like caves, don't they?

- I'm looking for the beast.
- Not bloody here, you're not.

Why not? They are.

I've got tourists crawling
over every inch of this farm

looking for this bloody beast.

What are we gonna do?

Charley, relax.

I can't! I can't!

Well, tell them to bugger off.
It's private property.

But they're everywhere.

They're all after this reward.

I don't know how much more
of this I can take.

We have to empty that cave.

- No, we can't.
- Why not?

Because we'll get caught.

Charley?

- All in on it, of course.
- What?

Ah, this beast mumbo-jumbo.

Look at them. Bloody inbreds.

Can't get enough of it.

It's all a smoke screen.

- Why?
- I don't know, do I?

That's what we're here
to find out.

Lolita.

MITCH: Ah, she's not there, Doc.

Left early this morning
wearing this dress.

I tell you what,
she looked handsome.

Was on her way to a barbecue.
Can I help with anything?

Uh, no. No, thanks.

Wouldn't have nothing to do
with the cloutie, would it?

Sorry?

Because the vicar said
Lolita had given you one.

And I said, "Good for Lolita."

- [ Cellphone rings ]
- Oh, there you go.

More tourists down the station.
I love this beastie!

See you later, Doc.

See you.

Aargh!

Put me in a ring with a farmer.

Scum.

- My dad's a farmer.
- Figures.

[ Engine cranks ]

[ Sighs ]

Feeling better?

Yeah.

When you hyperventilate,

the body gets starved
of carbon dioxide.

By breathing in the bag,

you're simply using up
carbon dioxide

that the body didn't think
it wanted.

- Works like a charm.
- Thanks.

Is something the matter,
Charley?

Are you in some sort of trouble?

That bloody beast.
It's the last straw.

I'm gonna lose everything.

My farm. My freedom.

My whole life.

Oh, Charley.

I'm sorry.

It's all my fault.

Eh?

I summoned him.

- Who?
- The beast.

I used a cloutie.

I made a wish.

But I'm gonna put things right.

You just tell me
what I can do to help.

There's something
I'd like you to see.

Not far.

- One little thing...
- Yeah?

CHARLEY: What's a cloutie?

Charley, is this safe?

Just follow me.

- Where are we, Charley?
- Father's old tin mine.

Can you smell roast lamb,
Charley?

CHARLEY:
That'll be Henry's sheep.

Ah! [ Laughs ]

Get on, Charley.

[ Laughs ]

Ah, evening, Doctor.

Charley.

Lolita.

What the hell
are you doing down here?

Come here
to be with my soul mate.

Gybril Sylasse
and his two fine sons.

CHARLEY: How do you know them?

We met a few days ago.

Oh, this is Dr. Bamford.

H-How do you do?

How are you?
Pleased to meet you.

My sons, Ossa and Bankee.

CHARLEY: Doc, you know
these boys are illegals.

Are they?

My idiot brother smuggled them
into the country

thinking they were
political refugees.

But they aren't. Are you?

No, Charley. We are not.

Just con artists.

No, Charley. Please.

It is not so.

We come to Cornwall
with special gifts.

Oh, yeah?

They just want a better life,
Charley Blake.

A better life.

Just like the doctor did
when he come down here.

If they were con artists

do you think that after arriving
in this country

and evading detection
from the authorities,

that they would risk
their freedom and their lives

just to save mine?

What are you talking about,
Lolita?

It was two nights ago.
The night of Lunasa.

We were
walking through Den's woods

on the way to our sacred site

when we felt
we were being watched.

Who's there?

By who?

The beast.

My fault.

It started chasing us.

[ Both screaming ]

[ Animal roars ]

Just when we thought
we were done for.

Back.

It's you.

I had broken my ankle.
Or so I thought.

My ankle is now healed.

[ Murmuring ]

I saw it.

One minute,
her foot was dangling useless.

The next, it was healed.

I've never seen
anything like it.

So, what are you saying, Lolita?

See, Mr. Sylasse here
is a good...

LESTER:
Here, who the hell are they?

[ Clicks tongue ]
Give it a minute.

Let them settle.

Then we'll find out.

So I'm asking you
to help me to help them.

Because I don't know how.

So why don't we just
find the boys some work

and let them live amongst us?

Because it's illegal,
and they'd be deported.

And anyone who put them up
or hired them

would be fined or jailed
or both.

- That's why.
- [ Murmuring ]

Oh, for crying out loud,

I don't know why we're
all wasting our time on this.

Mitch.

Isn't it obvious
what we should do?

No, if it was obvious,
I wouldn't have called you here

to ask you your opinion,
would I?

Marry the bastard.

- What?
- I said marry him.

If he becomes your husband,
he and his sons can stay.

Problem solved. I don't know
what all the fuss is about.

[ Murmuring ]

I'm not getting married

just to please
the immigration authorities.

Besides, we've only known
each other a short while.

And he may not want to.

GYBRIL: Lolita...

I do want to.

[ Murmuring ]

Oh, bless.

GYBRIL: [ Laughs ]

Lolita...

Will you marry me?

JIMMY: Dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.

What's this? "Romeo and Juliet"?

You three muppets.
I want a word with you.

Are you deaf? Come here.

Follow me.

[ Indistinct shouting ]

Quick! In here!

[ Whistles ]

Why don't you learn
some manners?

Out the window.

GYBRIL: Open the window lock.

Just do it, boy!

You open this door, Doctor,
or you're nicked!

Come on, come on.

Go on, then.

This way!

[ Air wrench whirs ]

Terry, mind if I use
your back door?

No. Help yourself.
Mind your head.

There's a low beam
through there.

Evening, Terry.

Evening, sir.

Thanks, Terry.

You seen Dr. Bamford?

- Yes, sir.
- Where'd he go?

Well, he...

Yes, all right, son.
Don't waste my time.

Where'd he go?

Through there.

- [ Thud ]
- Aah!

Clear.

Over that way.

Now, don't tread on the roses,
or she'll kill us.

- And don't worry about the dog.
- What dog?

[ Growling ]

Rex. Be nice.

[ Growling stops ]

[ Whimpers ]

Good boy. Good boy.

Where'd you learn that?

- "Crocodile Dundee."
- What?

I saw it at med school.

Oh, where were you
at med school?

Hospital and University of
the Witwatersrand, Johannesburg.

- Oh?
- I am a toxicologist.

- Oh, are you?
- [ Speaks native language ]

Of course,
I think we ought to go.

- Let's go!
- Oh, yeah, quick! Come on!

Are you sure they came this way?

Of course I am.

Get a move on. Fatty.

[ Growling ]

- [ Barking ]
- [ Screaming ]

Wait!

JIMMY: Help! Good boy! Sit!

We should help him.

Get him off me! Help!

No, sod him.

[ Barking ]

[ Telephone ringing ]

Hello.

Den! My God, what a long time
it's been.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Coming!

Oh, Lolita...

You haven't got
a minute to waste.

- What?
- I've just been speaking to Den.

- Den?
- Den! The owner of Tregrunnt.

He says he don't want to sell
to the Bowdens.

He only wants to sell it
to a Cornishman.

Well, that counts me out.

Not after last night it doesn't.

I told him how you'd helped the
village in its hour of need,

how you'd stepped up to the mark
like a good Cornishman.

He says if you can come up with

the 10% of the purchase price
by midday, the farm is yours.

Yes!

You're nicked, sunshine.

Look, can we do this
in about ten minutes' time?

No.

Customs. Thank you.

I just want to talk
to the manager.

Where you're going, son, you'll
'ave plenty of time to write.

Get in your...

Get in the 'ar.

What?

He said get in the car.

[ Speaks indistinctly ]

Fatty.

So where's the 'ope?

Rope?

Yeah, the 'ass.

He means grass.

- MARTIN: What grass?
- Yeah, that's why they're 'ere.

- Who?
- Africans.

Come to collect their p'ize,
haven't they?

Their pies?

Prize.

Prize? What Lolita?

Who said anything about Lolita?

I think we can hold him,
what, "reek"?

Well, he's allowed a shower.

A week.

Yeah, that's right.
Week, idiot. Week!

Listen, who's the one
with the speech impediment?

That's right... you, pal.

[ Sighs ]

Not strictly legal to have,

but what the hell,
you may kiss the bride!

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughter ]

MAN: Bamford. You're free to go.

What are you doing here?

We've come to take you home.

I've explained everything,
you're free to leave.

But what about the...

Oh, he's going home for awhile,

and then I'm joining him
next week.

For our honeymoon.

And then when the Home Office
approves their visas,

they're all gonna come
and live with me.

As good Cornishmen.

[ Laughter ]

Oh! I nearly forgot.
We have a surprise for you.

RITA: Mitch told us
you were arrested, so we...

LOLITA: Put up the deposit.

You are good for it, aren't you?

I don't know what to say. Oh!

Well, just seal it like so. Pbt!

And your word's your bond.
That's how we do it down here.

Pbt!

[ Laughter ]

- Welcome to the family.
- Come on, let's get out of here.

Whose money was it?

Well, it was his mainly.

NICKY: I... I think it's
a blessing in disguise, really.

I mean, look at it.

It's a filthy place
full of half-wits.

Do you... Do you think
we should try America?

- Home of Bigfoot.
- Oh, shut up, Harry.

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty,
kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty!

Puss, puss, puss, puss, puss!

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty,
kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty!

Puss, puss, puss, puss, puss,
puss, puss, puss, puss!

Subtitling made possible by
Acorn Media