Do You Do You Saint-Tropez (2021) - full transcript

Saint-Tropez
August 1970

Claude, no!

No! Okay, just a little.

Daisy! My little love nugget,
it's bedtime.

Cyril!

Coming, My Lord.

Jersey Tragedy Solved

Your moldy Chinese tea, sir.

Cut the crap, Cyril.

It's fermented tea.

Excellent for bowel movements.



Cleanses the intestinal flora.

Sisyphus Reversed

Lemon juice with no pulp,
toast with olive oil

and tepid rooibos tea.

Not so fast!

Sleep well, Andreas?

Terrible.

Agitated night.

I caught the starlet
with the pop schmock singer.

Oh yeah?

Impossible! Peggy's with Norbert.
Lovely couple.

They screwed
for hours in the hammam.

Peggy? Norbert must be furious.

No worries, Jacko.



She's getting her kicks
with her stud

and I'm not worried at all.

He's modern.

This is 1970,
you own a car not a woman.

Of course, free love.

Everyone fucks with everyone.

I love it.

Not me.

If I caught Eliane with another man...

I'd kill him!

Don't get all upset for nothing, Claude.

Would you lend me the Maserati?

No.

Ask Eliane for the Floride,
but no Maserati.

Very well.

Your mutt is vicious!

First, it's a purebred.

Second,
she knows you don't like her.

You're a fool.

Right, my pretty?

She does bite.

No she doesn't, you upset her.

Not the same.

Come here, my pretty.

My little Queen of Sheba.

If only she could talk.

Nice night, darling?

Keep it down. Headache.

I see. Life as a couple...

Eliane?

Who's there? I'm in the shower!

It's me, honey.

No, Jacques!

You're crazy, he could walk in.
He's so jealous.

He's pontificating at breakfast.

Nasty beast.

Stupid dog, get the hell away.

Shit!

Jet-Setter Nearly Dies
in Accident in Saint-Tropez

MYSTERY IN SAINT-TROPEZ

Investigation By Detective Boulin

Oh, my love.

It really is you.

I have the new
state secretary of economy.

Who's this asshole?

Jacques Chirac.
I have a favor to ask, Mr. Lefranc.

You surely know Lord Tranchant?

Not at all.

Chimay beer!

The biggest European brewer.
Get with it, old boy.

Claudine!

Get me Police Chief Mercier.

He's on vacation.

- He can come home.
- He's in the USA.

Then Bénard.

He's been out depressed
since his divorce.

His wife met a woman.

Poor man.

Who's left in the company?

Boulin.

From the butcher shop fiasco?

Yes, sir.

Boulin.

Boulin is here, sir.

Come in, Boulin.

This one...

And this one...

- Sir.
- Good to see you again.

I believe we've never met.

Oh no?

If you say.

The final touch
to the Siege of Toulon.

That Bonaparte was a genius.

I have an important mission.

Do you know Lord Tranchant?

The Belgian millionaire
who throws extravagant parties

in Saint-Tropeze.

All depraved.

What's your problem?

Did I ask for moral judgments?

Danger zone!

The lord is close to
State Secretary Chirac.

I'll be brief.

Lady Tranchant
has been receiving death threats

and her Floride was sabotaged.

- Did she die?
- She wasn't driving.

A guest took her car.

They stole it? How uncouth.

Who stole what?

The Lady's car.

Who said that?

Lady Tranchant lent her car
to someone,

and he had an accident.

I see, now I understand.

It's him.

Him what?

It's he who died.

No.

He's unharmed.

Darn, then it's the Floride.

Such a racy car, my wife...

Listen here, old boy...

Let's concentrate.

That's my strong point.

You're smoking...

- Far too much, I must stop.
- Imbecile!

It's your pocket.

Bring me water!

I'm on fire!

That was radical.

I'm pissing water.

Here it is...

The culprit.

The lord wishes a rapid inquiry,

so that his celebrity guests

might not be disturbed
during their stay.

- Be discreet.
- Naturally.

- What's your plan?
- Simple.

Thirty of us show up,

we wake the perverts at 5am
and search everything.

Then we start forceful interrogations

using slaps if necessary.

In 48 hours, I hand over the culprit

and we throw him in the clink.

Like with your regrettable affair
at the butcher shop?

Yes, the honey-trap that went sour.
We were a bit brutal.

Boulin!

You will do the exact opposite
of your proposal.

Got that, cretin?

Loud and clear.

This mission will make sparks fly.

What's wrong?

I'm fascinated by your painting.

It recalls Velasquez's dwarves.

The painter perfectly captured

the sour-tempered hag's
mean streak.

Don't you think?

She's my wife.

Very nice...

Very nice.

I will prove worthy
of your expectations.

Goodbye.
My regards to the hag.

I mean madam, the missus.

More fear than harm.

To us! And to Saint-Tropeze!

Claudine,

bring me a double scotch.

Lord Tranchant?

Detective Bumpkin.

Boulin.

Boulin. Head Detective Jean Boulin.

Right.

Shall we?

After you.

Now that's a car!

I'm impressed.

C'mon, let's go.

Detective Bumpkin?

Boulin.

The trunk's too small.

I'll put the small one in the trunk.

And the big one

in the backseat.

Here we go!

Now it'll fit.

It's too big.

Don't worry.

There we go.

Slips right in.

Excuse me,
how am I supposed to drive?

Indeed.

Why two huge suitcases?

My raincoat takes up space.

Your raincoat?

- Yes.
- In St. Tropez?

St. Tropeze or anywhere.

Pay.

Pay? Pay for what?

It's Saint "Tro-pay."

- Last "z" isn't pronounced in French.
- Are you sure?

One says "mer-gueze" sausage,
not "mer-gay," right?

Whatever makes you happy.

But your huge suitcase
will never fit inside my car.

On the roof?

It's not a circus van,
you'll scratch the paint.

Put your huge suitcase in the checkroom.

My staff will pick it up later.

And please remove that napkin.
It's grotesque.

I forgot to give it back. What a dumdum.

- You smoke a lot?
- Especially after breakfast.

I ate on the train.

All-you-can-eat!

Even the vintage sardines.

I did justice to it all.

12.50 francs for the whole shebang.

So why not splurge?

Bread, butter and crushed sardines.
Nothing better.

Maybe a bit heavy.

We're stopping?

The car is here.

What car?

The sabotaged one.
I thought you might be interested.

Mr. Tranchant.

Yes.

Let me set things straight.

I'm investigating, right?

- Yes.
- So I'll take initiatives.

Do you understand me?

Alright.

You decided yet?

I'm thinking.

Since we're here,
let's go see this Renault Floride.

No brake fluid at all.

Sabotage, obviously.

Are you a Renault dealer?

Mr. Castelli is a master mechanic
for Jaguar at Le Mans.

Jaguar's not Renault.

So don't jump to conclusions.

I'll do the jumping.

Where is it?

Where's the car?

Right in front of you.

Oh yes, I see.

I need to check under the hood.

The engine's in the back.

I know, I know!

I'll investigate as I see fit.

We've got a real champ.

I must be dreaming.

Detective!

You okay?

Are you hurt?

What idiot put a hole in the garage?

A pit under the car lift is classic.

There wasn't even a sign!

My goodness.

I spotted something.

Good job, Boulin.

This bolt isn't screwed on properly.

Don't touch!

It's the oil pan bolt.

I say.

It all spilled out.

Ali, a mop!

You were right.

Careful with the head.

This proves it was sabot...

It's okay, I'm fine.

Jaguar specialist or not,

I don't trust that Cannelloni.

No manners.

No! Not in my car.

Why not?

Your jacket's full of oil.
Hand it over.

Hurry up.

- Treat it with care.
- Don't worry.

It's my favorite.

There.

Show me your bum.

Your behind.

Oh my God.

Take them off.

Surely you joke.

No one will see you
and my leather will be safe.

We're late for lunch drinks! C'mon!

I can't do that.

Great acceleration!

Indeed.

You want my opinion?

Suspect No. 1...

My head chef.

My wife wanted him fired.

She caught him inflating bills.

Big mistake!

Threats have become murder attempts.

So what do we do?

The pig vomited on me!

It's the cafe latte and sardines.

I had a rock in my stomach.

You have a rag to wipe your seat?

Disgusting.

Get your suitcase.
We'll take the backdoor.

There's a man.

Lookie here. Who's this?

My poochie-poo.

Daisy.

Careful, she's a picky girl.

Rare intelligence.

Good.
Because little dogs can be nasty.

No, she's nice.

She seems to like you.

Did you step on a turd?

No, it's car oil.

Nothing to do with...

- Follow me.
- That's a nice old girl.

Cyril. Always working.

- You okay, Mr. Tranchant?
- Fine.

Cyril, this is Jean.

The new butler.

Be a star and clean the car.
He puked inside.

Rub as hard as you can,

otherwise
the missus will never get in.

The smell.

And take your pants off.

Why?

For Jean.
I'm introducing him to madam.

- He isn't presentable.
- And me?

You'll clean the car

in your shorts.

Take this too.

Come on.

What's going on now?

Eliane!

This is Head Detective Boner.

Sent by Chirac.

Madam, my name is Jean Boulin.

Head Detective Boulin.

That's what I said.

Darling, you invited a cop?

He'll spoil everyone's vacation.

He's the new butler.

Our guests will be oblivious.

I hope so, kitty.

She calls me "kitty."

But not a word.

She's the only one.

Why should he care what I call you?

I'd rather explain.

Madam, while I'm here,

I'll ask you a few questions.

See, he's already a pain.

- Stop, he's a pro.
- A pain.

Do you have enemies?

Damn bitch! Stupid whore!

Sorry.

The pain is...

So, as far as enemies go...

I have none.

Someone must be mad at you
for something.

Who knows?
I lent Jacko my car by chance.

And who's Jacko?

My trustworthy best friend.

I've known him since childhood.

- And you call him "Jacko"?
- Yes.

Because everyone calls him "Jacko."

Why?

What do you mean why?

Because it's his nickname.

You understand?

Would you be so kind as to show me

your threat letters?

Read me a few.

Read them yourself, they're much too...

It's essential.

I must hear them

to fathom the author's profile.

Thus the potential killer's.
Yes, it's original.

Instinct is my method.

Those letters are a web of folly,
profanity and humiliation.

- You won't read them.
- Kitty.

If this is Bumpkin's method...

Boulin.

Kitty, come sit.

Thank you, ma'am.

Go on, I'm listening.

Ready?

Go on.

Alright.

- Go on.
- Okay, okay.

"You are in big trouble, little slut.

"Now that I have you,

"I'll never leave you alone,
you scumbag."

Banal.

Very banal.

Carry on.

I must immerse myself.

"Brace your fat behind,

"I will snitch on your secret life."

Very good.

Madam.

Have you a secret life?

My wife, a secret life?

Stop harassing her!

Kitty,
splash your face with water.

It'll calm you.

- Alright.
- I love you.

And I stink like sardines.

Carry on, please. I am...

all ears.

"Depraved woman,

"your time has come.

"After having...

"s*** off everyone,

"you'll end up f*** in the a***."

Now, that is not banal.

Did they really write "S," "F," "A"?

No!

The words are written,
but they're very embarrassing.

Put modesty aside, I must hear it all.

Otherwise, it won't work.

Carry on.

"S"... and then?

"After having..."

You need a drawing?

"S" for suck.
"F-A" for fucked in the ass!

Good God!

Indeed, that is violent.

Even smutty.

It's not easy to say.

How many did you receive?

Including this morning's,

which was a drawing: "18."

Here.

Not bad.

Not bad at all.

Excuse me?

What's not bad?

The still life in the middle...

The carrot.

It's very realistic. They draw well.

I won't bother you anymore now

or make you read all 18.

I'll drop by
when you have more time

and you'll read a few more.

You think my wife
will read you letters every day?

I'll go undercover now as a butler.

But I insist,
don't worry yourselves sick.

I'm here.

Chirac sent me a moron.

An ace moron! A prototype.

Children.

Children!

Everyone's here?

It's vacation time
and I recall the keyword.

Vacation time is...

Magic.

Louder.

Magic!

Joe and his new girlfriend.

I'm so happy.

- Peekaboo!
- Hey!

- Bernard.
- Yes, sir.

Give your tray to Jean.

Holy cow!

Sorry.

You've never held a tray?
Are you crippled?

There are so many glasses.

Yes, it's the principle.

Give it to me.

So.

To your right,
the fat guy in a deckchair is Norbert.

Movie producer.

With his latest conquest, Peggy.
A promising starlet.

Great talent.

Big age difference.
That's the movie industry for you.

No.

Go offer them a drink.

I'll take two, it's more practical.

I like helping out.

At your service!

The tray.

Tray.

Take the tray.

Of course.

The guy with the neck brace
is Jacko.

My best friend.
He had the accident.

And his wife, Francine.

The handsome young man

is Ben, Carmen's guy.

My wife's best friend,

the great Carmen Moreno.

Everyone knows her.

Never seen her.

Oh no?

A Spanish Jeanne Moreau
with charisma,

spice... and exotism.

I know Jeanne Moreau.
She's really famous.

Avoid comments like that.

You might ruffle feathers.

Claude, look who's here!

I know him, that's Joe Jordan.

I saw him on the Guy Lux awards.
My wife loves him.

Claudio.

Joe!

- You know Angela?
- I haven't had the pleasure.

- Hello.
- Best backup vocalist in Paris.

I stole her from Johnny.

You don't say.

I'll borrow her a minute.

She's amazing.

You bet, Joe. Hot stuff!

Avoid that too.

Really?

Of course.

Carrying on, to your left.

The guy with muscles in the pool
is a sculptor.

The cap over there: Andreas.

Greek filmmaker.

With a tiny swimsuit like that,
may as well be naked.

Andreas!

Say, is the "Cap" a little dotty?

What do you mean by...

"dotty"?

You're investigating a murder attempt.

Of course, who cares if he's dotty.

I'm off.

I'm coming.

Want to swim?

The water's great.

No thanks, Gabriel.

I'm reading my script again.

I must grasp the conceptual identity
of my character.

That's easy, all she does is fuck.

You tire me.

Ben, you're insensitive.

Sex is revolutionary.

We must destroy
the barriers of bourgeois society.

You're right, Dede.

Andreas! My name is Andreas!

Never call me "Dede"!

"Dede" is vulgar, shit.

Cock! Balls!

You see, kitty.

Claude!

He makes everyone uptight.

Starting with me.
But now that he's here, we'll make do.

I won't stand for your shenanigans
with Eliane like last year.

I'm no third wheel.

What are you talking about?

You're my everything.

Stop lying, I'm not a kid.

If I catch you together,
I'll kill you both.

I brought my Browning.

Francine, have you lost a screw?

A Porto flip?

One double pastis and a Perrier-lemon.

- That brace must be awkward.
- Yeah.

Some accident.

Speeding?

I know how to drive,
spare me your comments.

- Drinking?
- Is this a police interrogation?

Get lost!

Friends!

Lunch is served!

Go get changed.
Jean will bring your drinks.

Two minutes, darling. Just a quick dip.

Miss.

Please hold this for me.

I want my swimsuit dry for lunch.

Of course.

When do we get the money
to make this film?

Eliane said

your script was incomprehensible
and unmarketable.

Why does that cunt know?

Hey, she's my godmother.

Don't insult her.

My little Ben.

Give us a minute.

This conversation doesn't concern you.

Go smoke a joint outside.

Your Porto flip, young man.
I forgot it earlier.

How dare she say
my film is unmarketable!

I could have had
Liz Taylor for your role.

But I refused, for you.

And now your millionaire bitch
is dumping us.

I'm warning you, I'll kill her.

You're a brute.

What are you doing here, bellboy?

I knocked, didn't you hear?

I brought Miss Moreno's Porto flip.

How sweet.

Thank you, Nestor.

Jean.

- You got a joint?
- No, sorry.

Then get out.

C'mon, hurry up.

Nothing's ready.

C'mon.

Monique! Bernard!

Don't help me, okay?
I do everything around here.

What're you doing?

Having a snack.

I threw up earlier
and my stomach is gurgling.

I don't give a shit.
Take a tray and follow me.

Everyone, let's go.

Swallow!
You don't serve with a full mouth.

On today's menu,
we have giant Guernsey langoustines,

red-currant vinaigrette,

mayonnaise whipped with fresh herbs,

and fattened chicken broth.

Jean, good grief. Drink water.

Cyril, we didn't understand a word.

The idiot's coughing.

Sorry,
I have a crumb stuck in my glottis.

I'll say it again.

Serve us, we'll figure it out.

And we start with the hostess,
who is me.

And the blind man said:

"Give me back my eye."

Unbelievable!

Eliane,
did you know your ex was here?

Well, he is.

The ageing beau with his boring play.

My lords!

O, virtuous ministers!

O, faithful senators!

Have you eaten, darling?

I wouldn't dream of taking your food.

Meals aren't copious here.

Belgian brewers are ever so mean.

Your unbearable annual visits
are packed with laughs.

Thank you.

- Kitty, don't start.
- He started.

He annoys me.

It's been 10 years, right?

That's right.

Kitty, scoot over

and give your seat to Yves.

Me?

That way the actors can talk shop.

Their conversations bore you stiff.

It's not their conversations, it's him.

Thanks, buddy.

You must be an actress.

You're ravishing.

I was in Alain Delon's last film.

He's joining me here.

I adore Alain!

We've often chased

the same women.

Darling, aged-cheese soufflé...

Tempted?

Tempted? I love Cyril's soufflés.

I know!

Cyril!

Sir, so nice to see you.

Let me try your aged-cheese thing.

- I can't, no more eggs.
- How's that?

Cucumber and cream?

No, I'll have some salami.

I'm teasing.

Some nice salami.

His voice hasn't broken yet?

I'm not sure it ever will.

Salami, stupid moron.

No taste.

- I've got plenty of eggs!
- You sure do.

Who's the bitch think she is?
Plate!

Why do you call her a bitch?

- She screws everyone.
- Everyone?

Especially Jacko.
They get off every afternoon.

That's awful to say.

The truth is awful, Monique?

You must really be mad at her.

- Are you jealous, chef?
- Of what?

Here.

Ass-licker.

I don't trust him.

Four months on tour...

200 performances
in amazing French towns.

You should've come to Toulon.

We hate Toulon.

- Asshole.
- Say what?

Nothing.

Jean, I never drink rosé!

Sorry, the chef didn't tell me.

Damn pain.

Who is that guy?

Madam's ex.
My Lord can't stand him.

There's a big bone of contention.

Another one?

No time to even season it.

Coming, madam.

- The cunt.
- Don't worry, chef, I'll do it.

Flower of salt

and a light trickle of olive oil.

- They'll let me know.
- Roger.

Darn!

That's much too much.

I'm afraid and I get seasick.

In 1947, how many
sea urchin species were there?

I wasn't born.

250 species.

That's all?
I'd have said 10 billion.

I'm talking about species, Peggy.

Not sea urchins. You can't count those.

Jean!

Forget the sea urchins.

Lower the dish.

My velvet pants!

They cost a fortune.

Why'd you do that?

Nut-sack! Double nut-sack!

Daisy, no!

You have cholesterol.
Come here, angel.

What happened?

- You see...
- The fish fell on the ground.

It was the oil.

Who dropped it?

Jean, of course.

Bastard!

You're out to ruin my lunch!

Do something, separate them!

I can't, I'm playing next week.

Calm down!

I'm sorry, but I saw red
when he sabotaged my fish.

Asshole!

Enough!

Enough.

It's the past, now we move on.

Please, I'm an orphan.

When you hired me,
I made a transference.

I consider you like my parents.

I can't sleep alone in the dark!

Stop that, you pervert!

Come here.

Despite appearances,

we love you very much.

Thank you, madam,

for your kindness and class.

Now make up with Jean.

What's the keyword?

Vacation time is magic!

- Now kiss.
- What?

Kiss and make up.

Go on.

I'm sorry.

Stay away or you die.

He threatened me!

- A tiny threat.
- Stop.

Back to work.

We'll retain his pay.

Yes, sweetheart.
I'm very disappointed.

Monique.

Did Mr. Delon call while I was swimming?

I would've told you, miss.

Carmen, darling. It's Eliane.

Meet me in 10 minutes

at the hammam.

Perfect. I'll be there, darling.

See you!

- Coming?
- No, I'm reading a script.

- I have projects too.
- Very good.

I've been waiting 10 minutes.

Sorry, darling. It's Ben.

He's getting so boring.

Then do like me, get a lover.

You'll never find a man
who gives you security and good times.

Darling, you're so wise.

Gabriel.

Little swimsuit, big willy.
He's mad about you.

You think?

Why not?

- You're right!
- What's her problem?

Look!

- Her mascara ran.
- She looks terrible.

It's horrible.

Delon's people won't let me talk to him.

- How ugly.
- Laura, you're ridiculous.

My God,
these actresses have birdbrains.

Her, an actress?

I doubt that.

I'll go see her.
We'll have to cancel the hammam.

Laura!

Was Eliane flirting with you
at you at lunch?

You're paranoid.

She pays me no special attention.

What's this stupid thing?

Boss,
I'm not disturbing you on vacation?

Yes, I'm working.

International conference.

What do you want?

I'm calling because...

I've made serious headway.

I have several suspects.

I'd prefer one: the right one.

Yes, sir.
At the top of the list,

there's the lord.

Kitty's wife is cheating
and that's an undeniable motive.

Who's "kitty"?

Kitty is the lord.

Does he know?

- Not at all.
- Then where's his motive?

What?

If he doesn't know,
where's his motive?

Right, boss. You got me there.

There you go again

with your wrong certainties.

This is odd, Boss.

There's someone
in the garden wearing a wetsuit.

You're by the sea.

People go diving

in wetsuits.

True, it's not unusual.

So who is suspect No. 1,

if No. 1 is no longer the lord?

- It's Cap.
- Who's "Cap"?

A Greek filmmaker.

My Lady refuses
to finance his new film.

I heard him say:

"I'll kill her."
That's the Greek accent.

Then we have him.

No, no, no.

I have no formal proof.

What about the head chef?

No motive.

How can you be so sure?

The staff is good-natured.

They've become friends.
Trust my intuition.

Careful,

remain objective.

Are you a Communist?

Of course not, Boss.

Say there...

This is odd,

the wetsuit has a rake.

A rake in a garden is normal.

- People need to rake.
- You're right.

Maurice!

We want to play croquet.

I have to go, I have work.

He's awfully blunt.

You like my Apache?

Oh, it's an Apache?

Can't say I like it,
but since it's an Apache...

It's kind of cute.

Does the bow work?

Of course it does.

Sir?

Come here, please.

My Lady.

I received another letter.

Show me.

"Time's up, tonight you're dead."

Apparently,
something will occur tonight.

Good news.

- Excuse me.
- He's cornered.

He'll reveal himself.

This proves my method was correct.

I'm calling off the pirate party.

We'll stay at a hotel.
I'm calling Barclay.

I will not give in
to a silly anonymous letter.

Eddie and Joe would be very upset.

You're right, change nothing.

To the contrary.

Help!

We're locked in!

Breathe.

I'll nab him tonight.

Don't worry, kitty.

I'll organize a trap

no one will soon forget.

Sweetie...

don't worry.

I'm prepared.

Help!

What's that?

My Lord, after you. Hurry.

He's bright red.

Jacko, careful!

Breathe.

He's not red, he's purple.

Drink slowly.

- He's less purple.
- That woke him up.

This door is impossible to block.

If the door was blocked, kitty...

He calls you kitty?

It's Eliane's doing.

Why would this door be blocked?

Detective Boulin.

Maurice! Phone call.

What now?

Sorry to bother you
at your conference, but I have news.

- The crime is for tonight.
- You sure?

What'll you do?

A honey-trap at the pirate beach party.

Honey-trap? You're scaring me.

Tonight,

he or she will assault My Lady.

And I'll nab them. It's inevitable.

I'll send the local gendarmes as backup.

I don't need backup.

They'll foil my trap.

- I'll take the risk.
- Look, I nab the culprit

- and madam dies.
- You're joking?

Of course I am.

Just trying
to lighten up the atmosphere.

Hello, Boss...

This is Alain Delon.

- Alain Delon?
- In person.

I'm talking to Alain Delon?

Is Laura there?

- Laura?
- The Italian.

Of course. You want to talk to her?

No, not at all.

You don't want to talk to her. Alright.

- Coming to the pirate party?
- No.

Not coming to the pirate party.

I'll give her the message.

- She'll be disappointed.
- Mind your business.

Mind my business.

He hung up on me too.

Bad manners must be the fashion.

- Ouch!
- What're you doing?

Everyone's waiting.

I thought it might be good

if I dressed as Mr. Smee.

It'd be a great cover.

No, you'll take the dogs to pee.

That's a great cover.

That's too bad, I love Mr. Smee.

He's always been my hero.

Captain, the boat is too far away.

Our costumes will be soaked.

It's 8 inches deep. Everyone's jumped.

- He's gone!
- Jacko!

Man overboard.

Eight inches my ass!

Boulin.

Did you call them here?

My boss insisted on backup.

The culprit will take fright and run.

We want him to take fright.

Let him run.
Tell them to come closer.

It's far more sensible.
Be discreet.

Gentlemen.

Head Detective Boulin, I'm taking over.
You can leave.

I'm setting a honey-trap

not a dragnet.

Men, retreat.

- And the van?
- There's no driver.

Hold the dogs. No time to lose.

Recalls memories.

It stalled.

Easy with the clutch!

You think I don't know?

Stalled again.

Moron.

It keeps stalling.

Bravo, my friend.

And now what?

- Where are the mutts?
- Gone.

- They bit me so I let them go.
- You what?

Men, grab shovels.

I wanted them closer, not gone.

All is well.

They're awaiting
my orders to intervene.

And my dogs?

- Where are my dogs?
- That's the downside.

The officer let them go.

They'll be back for the BBQ.

Find my dogs, Boulin!

Daisy!

Blaise.

Daisy, baby.

Daisy!

Get lost!

He's not bad.

Here, take this.

I'll roll a pure one.

Tomato sauce & cheese.

Double cheese,
I haven't eaten all day.

My Lady? Madam?

My Lady, I'm here!

The imbecile smashed my watch.

Sorry, you raised your arm.

What do you want?

I thought Mr. Jacko was assaulting you.

And now?

No.

He wasn't.

Would you like a crepe?

No, thank you.

That's what I thought.

Not so fast, little mermaid.

Stop following me.

You know where to find me.
Just in case.

Move over.

I'm taking the dogs or they'll be sick.

I'll take the big Riva.

What about us? Selfish bastard.

My dogs take priority.

Asshole.

Boulin!

Bring Laura a tray

with grilled pork rind.

She's feeling blue

cause of Delon.

Oh darn, I completely forgot.

Miss Laura?

A snack sent by Mr. Lamarque.

Here.

I forgot, I spoke to Alain.

What? Alain?

Alain Delon?

Did he say he was coming?

Yes. I mean no.

He's not coming.

Forgive me.

Forgive me, I'm sorry.

You're no-one.

- It's not your fault.
- Thanks.

Did he leave a number?

He said he'd rather you didn't call.

You shouldn't get yourself
into such states.

You don't deserve this.

We talked for a while
and honestly, he's not very nice.

I forbid you to badmouth him!

Then I'll avoid that.

What's wrong?

And I make you pay.

I'm used to it, don't worry.

What's going on?

Don't touch, it's loaded!

I'll kill myself!

- Careful now.
- It's over!

Calm down, pussycat.

I'm bleeding!

Lamarque,
help me for God's sake!

Appalling evening.

We almost lost the dogs.

I'm going up to bed with Daisy.

Do not disturb me for any reason.

Very well, sir.

Hurry, the boat is sinking.

What an awful end.

There's a searing pain.

The bullet only grazed you.

Yes, but I'm onstage in two days.

And it hurts.

The moron disappeared.

Darn!

Captain!

Get comfortable!

Make yourselves at home.

But don't forget it's not.

What are you doing?
You need to serve pancakes.

The pancakes can wait.
I need a smoke.

I don't believe it.
Why not a cigar too?

I deserve a little smoke.

Don't push things.

Sorry, Boss.

Boulin,
you know what time it is?

It's an emergency.

The signs

are asselerating.

Asselerating.

And what's

that mean?

I hear a turbine engine.

Madeleine, you're snoring.

Go outside.

Maurice...

you with a mistress?

Not a mistress, my wife! Moron.

And you woke us up.

By the way...

if those dumbass gendarmes call you,

don't believe
a word they say, old man.

What's wrong with you?
Are you drunk?

What're you doing?

Get off your ass!

I'll call you back in five.

Gotta go. Love ya.

Get your rocks off.

Freedom!

I don't believe it.

What are you doing?

Cool cake...

That's for tomorrow, idiot!

That's for tomorrow, idiot!

Look!

Go serve drinks in the jacuzzi.

We did the pancakes.

Keep cool.

Jean's a pro.

Oh, the little crepes.

Look at this!

Alright, Jean will serves drinks.

We're off.

You're all invited
to my concert tomorrow.

Be careful.

Jean, that's enough.

Get out of this jacuzzi.

He's not a slave.

Go on, bellboy, have a blast.

So there!

Thank you, Cap!

He's no bellboy
and the bellboy's gonna have a blast.

So there!

BEWARE OF DOG

Claude!

Jean's lost his mind!

I feel a stream of hot water
on my thigh.

The bastard's taking a piss!

I'm out of here.

It's quite spectacular. Don't touch him.

Turn him over.
He could swallow his tongue.

My director!

I told Claude that a lightbulb
over a jacuzzi was stupid.

No one ever listens to me.

You were in charge of security.

There was a murder attempt
and you saw nothing.

What? You saw something?

Get up.
You're getting my couch wet.

I'll have to leave you, Harold.

A kissy.

No kissy.

That's it,
I'm going to wake up Chirac.

Believe me,
my report will be scathing.

Scathing!

My nose!

My nose!

You gonna
wake me up all night, asshole!

Chirac, here.

Forgive me, Mr. Minister.

I thought it was my officer.

Your man wreaked havoc.

One idiocy after the other.

He's usually very professional.

You're going to clean up this mess.

- You have 24 hours!
- What?

- Didn't you hear?
- Consider it done.

Dumbass.

What's your name?

Big dick!

- It's superficial shock.
- I see.

His speech will come back.

In case of an attack, give him...

ten drops.

- I see.
- A sedative.

Big dick! Balls! Cock!

Does he need drops now?

Use your intuition.

Cock.

He's doing better.

Don't worry.

His memories must resurface.

Sir?

Do you remember

the moment
when someone peed on you?

Lightbulb.

Might take a while.

Will he be okay in two months?

We're making a film.

He's not out of the woods.

I'd say two months...

is optimistic.

Can you help me? Yves is paralyzed.

Good news at last! Yves can't move.

The doctor's here, darling.

Hello, sir.

My back went out. It's a first.

The old carcass gets rusty.

Your hand.

Are you crazy?

I'll give you an anti-inflammatory.
You'll move normally.

- Here we go.
- I don't like shots.

Look, croissants and everything.

Nice and hot.

He's doing much better.

Sir, be careful.

Has he taken his drops?

- Two times.
- Make it three.

Balls!

He's throwing croissants!

Take him to his room.

Hello, Lamarque!

Hello, sweetheart.

The idiot.

Such a delight working with you.

Next time
I want something younger.

But not too much!

You can do anything.

- Drop by the salon.
- Promise.

I have an audition in Paris. Listen...

could you keep
an eye on Carmen and Gabriel?

Of course, darling.
Nothing will happen in my home.

- Thanks, godmother.
- Say hello to Paris!

Goodbye, darling.

Carmen!

Someone's asking for you.

- Excuse me.
- Of course.

Lefranc. Police.

None too soon.

Last night

took the cake.
He gave his gun to a guest

who tried to take her own life.

Why did you
give your gun to a woman?

I didn't, she stole it.

You made salacious advances.

No! She threw herself at my feet.

Women throw themselves at you?

Of course.

- Back to you, Columbo.
- Boulin.

Columbo

is a TV character. He's not real.

You should be flattered.

He solves his cases
and he's not a Communist.

Me either!

In the name
of the French State,

I apologize
for this numbskull's antics.

As of today, I am taking over.

Thank heavens.

I return to Paris?

You stay on as butler.

But why?

He's hopeless.

I'd rather not

arouse suspicion
until the affair is resolved.

I need only 24 hours.

Could you take me
on a tour of the house and garden?

I need to study the topography.

- Master bedroom.
- Lovely color scheme.

Look at that.

Pure ivory.

Not very proper,
but Eliane's crazy about it.

Don't touch.

Look at this marvel.
German bathroom fittings.

German?

The best.
Skimping on costs

ends up
costing a fortune in repairs.

I'm not rich enough to buy bad quality.
You agree?

Absolutely.

That's why
I went all out with marble.

We applied the same formula
in our home.

Oh yes?

We went all out with Formica.

I'm not familiar

with Formica.

It's fabulous.

There you are.

Sweep up the cigarettes outside.
It's bedlam.

Ask nicely, okay?

Thanks.

Look here.

My grandfather planted this pine forest.

He had a green thumb.

Beautiful, isn't it? Extraordinary.

When the sky is clear,
you can see Monaco.

Who did that?

Easy does it, I'm in terrible pain.

That was maybe intended for me.

That's why
I chose an incognito cover.

Lord Tranchant,

let's walk outside the property.

I don't want anyone spying on us.

The keyword is "incognito."

It's our only hope...

of nabbing them.

- Watch out!
- What's that?

There wasn't even a sign!

What good's that?

It should be here. Forget it.

Stop dilly-dallying.

I need you, My Lord...

to gather your guests
in the salon in 20 minutes.

- All my guests?
- Yes.

I'll grill each one,
and as if by magic...

the truth will spring forth.

The Boulin method.

What do you say?

Do I have a choice?

My only concern, are my guests.

I wouldn't want...

Boulin?

I'm here, I'm here!

Are you hurt?

More fear than harm.

I'll get help.

No, don't leave me here.

- Give me your hand.
- Me?

I've done rock-climbing.
I can hoist myself.

Give me your hand.

There we go. That's the first step.

Give me your other hand.

- That's good.
- No, don't pull!

You're pulling me down!

You okay, My Lord?

This smell is horrendous.

I smell appallingly bad.

You must've fallen on a dead rat.

Because I don't smell.

I smell you, but not me.

My Lord?

I've understood.

- What?
- Last night I was drugged.

Indeed?

That's why I was a clown.

Explain.

Look at this pipe.

Yes, and?

It's full of hashish.

No, that's old Captain Black tobacco.

- Excuse me?
- Very nice.

That's not Captain Black.

I've smoked for years.

Sorry to contradict you,
that's normal pipe tobacco.

Very well.

Watch this, a simple pipe.

There.

That's not drugs?

No, it's old Captain Black
and it smells lovely.

Absolutely not.

Old Captain Black...

Give that to me. Let me taste again.

Old Captain Black.

Yes, yes.

It's bitter and coarse.
It almost hurts your throat.

Give that to me.

Try again if you want.

I disagree.

It lingers in the mouth
and has a familiar light honey flavor.

Not at all.

Sorry, we better hurry,
my guests are waiting for us.

I need to get my evidence.

Hope it's more convincing
than your pipe!

Oh, Boner!

You're a first-rate moron.

Are we summoned too?

What's with the rake?

You stink of hashish.

Absolutely.
Tell the Lord, he won't believe me.

You play so well, I love it.

Some applause for the artist?

Come on.

Anyone know why we're gathered?

Other than to listen to dear Claude
massacre La Cucaracha.

Claude!

Stop the buffoonery!

Why are we here?

My friends,

meet Detective Boulin

from the Quai des Orfèvres.

Detective?

Yes.

And he's here to unmask

the assassin of my dear pet.

Not the pet of my assassin.

What's wrong with them?

The pet of my assassin!

Are they drunk?

No, seriously.

I asked him to come.

Jean, you're on.

Thank you, kitty.

The killer is in your midst.

And I will flush them out.

You surely wonder why I hold a rake.

Just put it down

before you break
the Murano chandelier.

You're right, pet.

We mustn't destroy the rake.
It's prime evidence.

Yes, Francine & Jacko.

This rake

blocked the hammam door.

The lovebirds wanted to be alone.

But what's really very nasty,

is that Jacko
is banging Kitty's wife.

He's completely batty!

You started up again?

It's insanity.
He's not in a normal state.

Claude, darling.

Don't listen to him.

Pet!

Eliane,

this causes me great pain.

But you're so sexy, I forgive you.

I want to make love.

That can wait till later.

Let's return
to the crux of the matter.

The killer touched the rake
and it will speak.

When Boulin looks...

Boulin finds.

Bear weeny.

Little dick! Big cock.

Stop, I can't focus.

Give him the whole bottle.

Balls!

Shut up!

He broke my curios!

I shall recapitol...

I mean, recupulate...

I will reciproculate...

I will recasculate...

I'll recap.

This is an affair...

Let me think a minute.

- The nerd's snoozing.
- An addict.

His pipe stunk of hashish.

It wasn't hashish.

It was Captain Black tobacco.

Very good choice.

- A ticket for Paris.
- 54.90 francs.

Thanks.

Miss Peggy?

Your agent.

It's me.

Where are you?

My ticket's stamped. I have an alibi.

I'll wait for Carmen at Joe's concert.

Are you sure?

Don't worry, babe. We'll go

to Hollywood and make our film.

Olga, it's a great role.

But no, I only trust Norbert.

He sends his love.

My love,
are you sure you won't come?

I have a headache.
That hashish wiped me out.

He'll sing loud
and it'll be intolerable.

Kitty, I don't like leaving you alone.

It's your choice. I'll take your car.

If you don't feel well,
take a pill and rest.

Save your strength.

Claude, your car stinks.

- I know.
- Bye, Claude.

Boulin, wake up.

Help! What's wrong?

My rifle is missing.

I fear a tragedy at the concert tonight.
Give me your gun.

Certainly not.
A policeman never gives away his gun.

Never. Come on, let's go.

We'll take this one in case you're sick.

I'd rather.

Let's go.

My car!

I need your car.
Don't worry, I'll be careful.

Emergency!

Easy with the clutch.

Get a move on.

Give me a minute.
It's Cyril's car, I'm not used to it.

We're lagging.

Step on the gas! Faster, dammit!

Are you scared or what?

Step on it!

I hear music. We're here.

Turn left!

Brake!

You're wacko!

Horrible driver.

Stop or I shoot! Drop the gun!

Turn around, scum.

The game's over!

Ben!

Honey, what are you doing?

Claude!

I came as fast as I could.

Come here, pet.

- Handcuffs?
- Yes.

- He wanted to kill you.
- Ben?

How could you?

I wasn't after you.

You were a decoy.

I wanted her
for her life insurance policy.

There's your motive.

I knew it.
Ben was too sweet to be true.

Take him away.

Little bastard!

He's a monster.

Thank you, Mr. Boulin. I'm...

It's my job.

I'm delighted
that we avoided the worst.

Who solved the case?

Boulin.

When you proceed with method...

the results are there.

Bravo, old boy.

Aren't you hungry?

Yes, a little bit.

Turn right.

We'll find a quiet spot

to picnic.

France, what a country.

Nothing beats it.

But this investigation
left a bitter taste.

Really? We found the culprit.

Except that,

your culprit was leaving
when I got to Tranchant's.

He was?

And half an hour later,
I was shot in the ass in the garden.

It was no accident.

It was a murder attempt.

Maybe he came back.

No.

He admitted to everything.

Except that.

And I believe him.

So...

the question is,
who shot me if it wasn't Ben?

That's a good question.

An accomplice is out there.

You're going to flush them out
and lock them away.

If we let people attack the police
and go unpunished,

the Republic is doomed.

And that is serious. Understand?

Another glass?

Another glass...

Just a tiny bit.

- You have three days.
- What?

Three days?

To flush them out.

Yes, of course.

I crush cowards like stink bugs.

Stink bugs... nice expression.

MYSTERY IN SAINT-TROPEZ

Eliane.

How about a quick trip to Portofino?

That would be lovely.

I love you.

Full throttle ahead.

Adaptation: Julie Meyer

Subtitling TITRAFILM