Do Not Disturb (2016) - full transcript
Anna and John book into the Stratford-on-Avon hotel where they spent their honeymoon ten years earlier - separately, following Anna's extra-marital fling but they had paid for the room anyway. They decide to give their marriage another go but then Anna sees young Luke, hung over best man from the previous night's stage party, who mistakes her for a prostitute and whom she rings receptionist Sheila to get rid of. In the meantime two real escorts arrive and assume that porter Neil is their client, to Sheila's annoyance. Confusion arises when a blindfold Anna has sex with Luke by mistake and Neil ejects John, believing him to be Luke. By the time Anna's mother turns up there is much explaining to do.
# Can't explain all the ways
that you're making me feel
# My heart's in overdrive
# And you're behind
the steering wheel
# Touching you
# Touching me
# Touching you
# God, you're touching me
# I believe in a thing called love
# Just listen to the rhythm
of my heart
# There's a chance we can make it now
# We'll be rockin'
till the sun goes down
# I believe in a thing
called love... #
So that's 27 bottles of lager,
eight mini-bottles of Jack Daniel's,
16 chunky Kit-Kats
and two rocket salads.
Call yourself a stag do?
Can I ask
why you're holding that skull?
Cos if I put it down,
I have to drink.
And I can't drink any more.
SHE DINGS BELL
Neil?
< VIOLENT RETCHING
Neil!
Neil?
MUFFLED RESPONSE
What?
I...have a, er...reservation.
Right. Yes.
There's a man standing there...
with his penis.
And there are several other men
being sick in your plant pots.
Yeah.
OK, so that is all happening.
Sorry. It's only my first week.
This never happened in Wrexham.
Right. What was the name?
Bartlett. Anna Bartlett.
Oh, we're not expecting
anyone of that name.
Oh, er, maybe Williams.
Bartlett's my maiden name.
I've been using that
ever since my husband and I...
Williams is my married name,
so, you know, I am still actually
married, officially.
So anyway, yes, Bartlett - that's me.
Sorry - Williams!
OK. Would you like me to get Neil
to take your luggage?
Neil? Yep.
Isn't he a little...
out of commission?
Do excuse me.
< BANGING AND YELPING
Neil will help you now.
Luggage?
All right, mate.
Enjoy hanging out last night?
Very good, sir.
Oh, by the way, we've lost one.
Luke, the best man.
Let him know we've gone
if you find him, will you?
Shall we?
Will you be paying by card? Oh.
Oh!
Stag rules are stag rules.
To think we're putting our lives
in their hands! Sorry?
Medical students.
That lot downstairs.
Seven years' training
just to find out
how to look something up
on the bloody internet. Bunch of...!
No, we get a lot more stag dos
in Stratford now.
Never used to be like that.
The worst behaviour you got in this
place back in the day
were method actors
rehearsing for Coriolanus.
Right.
Er...
I'm so embarrassed
about my appearance earlier.
It must have been quite a shock.
Sorry?
Earlier. Seeing me...in that state.
Oh, yes. Yes, it was. Quite a shock.
Don't be embarrassed.
You must have been traumatised.
Amazing how small...things
get under pressure, isn't it?
I remember my husband...
Well, he was my fiance at the time.
We were on holiday in Miami and we
wandered into a dangerous area.
We got mugged
at knifepoint by these men.
When we got back to the hotel
and he undressed,
I remembered looking down and saying,
"Blimey! I don't remember them
taking your..." This is your room.
So, er, this is it.
Rumour has it William Shakespeare
himself slept in that very bed.
He didn't, obviously.
It's from DFS. But...
There's an en-suite bathroom
over there, views of the gardens
and of course, a complimentary
bottle of champagne.
Yeah. Yeah, I remember.
So if there's anything else
you want...
It's been nearly ten years.
Has it really?
Wow!
Since what?
We spent our honeymoon here.
Oh, I see. It's a
nostalgic weekend. Lovely!
But if you have all you need,
I'll, er...
All I need? Yes.
Oh, I had that and then I threw it
all away, I'm afraid.
It's our tenth wedding anniversary.
We thought it would be
romantic to come back
and spend it in our honeymoon suite.
And then I went and...
I thought...well, it's paid for.
Might as well come.
It's all right. Won't be on my own.
I've got someone coming for lunch.
Ah, well, that's something then,
I suppose.
Oh, God, we make a right pair,
don't we?
Me with my...
and you with your...
Anything else you need, just...
I won't hesitate.
Sorry about your penis.
Brilliant.
PHONE RINGS
Mum? Where are you?
All right.
Is that a real ten minutes
or your ten minutes?
No, I haven't heard from him.
He made it very clear
that the marriage is over.
I know what I did, Mum.
I'm not a sex addict.
Well, how big is this traffic jam?
Dear God, I don't know
if I want him back.
I'm not...I'm not
protecting myself. I...
All right, all right.
Yes, I do want him back, OK,
but he isn't coming back, all right?
He has moved on,
which means my life is fucked.
Yes, I do swear now
and occasionally I smoke!
No, I don't know
what I'm going to do.
But I do know
I have a massive headache.
No, I know it wouldn't be
as bad as yours, Mum.
I know the traffic's bad, Mum.
It's just I cannot be alone
in this bloody room any longer!
Please just hurry up.
They lost one, then.
Yeah, I know. I heard.
The man with the breath?
The breath?
Yeah. He had breath like Tarzan.
He said they lost the best man.
Hang on, hang on.
Tarzan's got bad breath?
Course he does.
He lives in a jungle.
Yeah, I don't see
how that would...
Well, have you ever seen him
clean his teeth?
No, but I've haven't seen you
clean yours.
Are you saying I've got bad breath?
No, quite the opposite, which
clearly makes a case for Tarzan.
You're very hung-up on this Tarzan
thing. You brought him up.
You're the one banging on about the
King of the Apes. You're obsessed.
Oh, dear God.
What?
We've double-booked
the honeymoon suite.
Leave it to me.
I might need a hand.
Hello, I've got a reservation
in the honeymoon suite.
Oh, well, go on up then, sir.
Is there a key?
DOOR CLICKS
At bloody last!
John?
John?
What the hell are you doing here?
Well?
I'm meeting my mother. Oh, please!
John, why are you here?
For very different reasons to you,
it would seem.
I don't understand.
Well, let me explain.
Because it cost ?330.
I didn't think it should sit empty
just because you screwed up
our marriage.
The price turned out to be exclusive
of VAT, by the way,
which is galling.
How've you been?
Where is he?
Who?
The boy that you planned on sleeping
with on our wedding anniversary.
Oh, you are an idiot!
No shit! The day I said "I do"
made that clear.
God, that was the first thing I saw
when I woke up as a married man.
Well, not quite.
The first thing you saw
when you woke up was my...
You expect me to believe
that you're waiting for your mother?
I don't care what you believe,
cos you're gonna see her in a
minute when she walks through door.
Oh, well, let's see then, shall we?
It'll be a joy to see her.
That would be a first.
I think she's sweet.
You think my mother's sweet? Yes.
Wow, I never thought
I'd hear you say that.
I never thought you'd shag
a ten-year-old.
Jesus, he was 21!
Nearly.
What was I thinking?
Well, you were a bit somewhere else
yesterday, weren't you?
Somewhere else?
Yeah. Somewhere else in your head.
Somewhere else in me head?
What you talking about?
Are you some kind of shrink?
Oh, right. And what did you observe
last night
when they were sticking you
in a plaster cast
and unleashing your...?
Brilliant - are we on that again?
Can we move on?
Will this work?
Of course it will.
I've been doing this for years.
What - in your head?
Step ladder.
Come on.
So what are we gonna do?
Well, you left me,
not the other way round.
I meant about the room.
Can't both stay in it.
Look, whi...
Look, while we're both here,
we could...you know.
You want to have sex?
I want to talk!
What is wrong with everyone?
What would we talk about? Us.
Us? You weren't thinking
about us when you...
How do you know that?
Oh, so you were thinking
about me while you were...
No, no, that would be insane.
I'd forgive you. Sorry?
If you slept with someone else.
But I haven't.
No, I know. I'm just saying,
if you have,
I would forgive you. OK?
If you have. Look, I understand.
One mistake in ten years
is not that bad.
I'm sure it's not
if you're the one who's made it.
Look, all I'm saying
is I forgive you. For what?
Look, the point is, whether
you have shagged someone or not,
I would forgive you
so you could forgi...
So you forgiving me for something
that I haven't done
means that I should forgive you
for something you actually have,
namely, shagging a 17-year-old boy.
He was...
..older than that!
What the hell?
I've often wondered why
it's the honeymoon suite
that gets the broken stuff.
I wouldn't know.
We didn't have one in Wrexham.
Not a big call for it.
It was mainly travelling salesman -
the adult channel and wet wipes.
So can we get away with this
without them knowing?
Relax. I'm like an ninja.
Ssh!
I so owe you for this.
I think it's too much pressure on.
On what? On being married.
The build-up, the expense...
It can only disappoint.
It's like when you're a kid - you
can't wait for Christmas to come.
Weeks and weeks of anticipation
and when it finally does come,
what is it?
A mixture of over-priced plastic
and flatulence.
Oh, does that mean
you don't want to get married?
I think it's unnatural.
Sure, it sounds good on paper,
but in reality...
Mmm. Maybe you're right.
My mum and dad have been together
for 50 years,
barely spoke for 30 of them.
Exactly.
When they do speak,
it's just to fight.
You see? My mum thinks my dad's
a liar and a drunk.
Right.
And my dad thinks
my mum's a dirty slag
cos she slept with Uncle Bert.
Among others.
Among other what?
Family members. Mostly distant.
Jesus!
And she's never really forgiven him
for punching the vicar
at their wedding
cos he was looking at her tits.
Right.
OK. Now...the swap.
Why did you do that?
You did it first.
What are you, 12?
Why? Would you fancy me
if I said yes?
Yes, because I'm a paedophile!
You think so? No!
Was he the only one?
Oh, God, do you know what?
Why don't you wait
and ask my mum, all right?
You can work it out between you.
In fact, if she's so sweet,
why don't you sleep with her?
I don't fancy your mum.
Not since she put the weight on.
You didn't answer.
No. Nor am I going to.
So he wasn't the only one.
Were they all young boys?
For goodness sake! What are you -
some sort of teen obsessive?
Do you enjoy being a MILF?
A what?
Or are you a cougar?
Like in that show Cougar Town.
Jesus, how many porn categories
are there? Were they all young men?
Look, we had this out
when you left.
I slept with one young guy.
All right, he was very...
You were away, we hadn't had sex
in nearly a year
and he wanted to sleep with me
and I thought, why not?
All right, I miss it, John.
I like sex. Is that so bad?
So do I.
Hmm. I think you preferred
Newsnight.
That was only weekdays.
Now then...how do you like that?
Sorry? Oh, I wasn't looking at
your, er... My what?
God, my boyfriend would kill me if
he thought I was looking at...
Boyfriend? Kind of.
Don't tell him, then. Not that
you WERE looking, obviously.
Were you looking?
I couldn't tell him if I wanted to.
Why? He's had some kind of
spiritual crisis.
Gone away for a while,
to find himself.
Where? Barbados.
Bar...Bar...
I can't believe you saw my...
You'll have to clean it.
Sorry?
The Verona suite. It not due
to be used till tomorrow.
Hello?
Hello?
Argh!
Look, I'm sorry I did what I did.
Did you really only come here
because of the money?
Wasn't there a tiny part of you
that hoped I'd be here?
You know that I've always...
desired you.
Oh, don't be weird.
That sounds weird.
Because I'm a grown-up?
Because it's weird.
Jesus, I just thought...
Wait.
Oh, what the hell?
Are you sure you want me back?
Yes. And not just for the kids?
Cos me and the kids
are doing pretty well
with the whole weekend access thing.
No, for me. For me. I want us
to be together again.
No more sex with young men?
No, of course not.
Or anyone.
Just wait a minute. Wait.
Of course a part of me
was hoping you'd be here.
I want you back.
I want to show you
what you've been missing.
Oh, thank you, God!
Why, what's he done?
What? Who the hell are you?
Who the hell are you?
Sorry, I must have...
What day is it?
Oh, Christ. Oh, Christ, you must
be the bloody best man.
Yeah.
Oh, God!
You must be from Cougar Town.
Oh, I really must watch this show.
Not the show. The agency.
Sorry? OK.
Just so you know, I told the boys
that I have never had sex with a...
you know?
Woman? Prostitute.
Prostitute?
You think I'm a prostitute?
Oh. Sorry, escort. Sorry.
Love that word.
Makes us both feel
so much better about this.
OK, this isn't happening.
Yeah. I think I'll probably deal
with it that way as well.
I'm gonna... I'm just gonna
tell my husband.
I'm just gonna tell my husband
that you're here.
I mean, he's gonna understand that,
isn't he?
That is just... I mean,
that is what I'm gonna do.
OK. Sorry? Is this a scenario?
Did they pay for a scenario?
No, this isn't a scenario -
this is serious.
So keep your bloody voice down.
Whatever you say, madam.
Anna, are you coming out?
Er, sorry... Is your husband a man?
Of course he's a bloody man.
Anna?
OK. It's just that I'd assumed
that it would be two women.
I mean, I'm not against it
per se... Just that....
Oh, Jesus, I can't tell him.
I mean, he already thinks
I've got a thing about..
So he's not gonna believe this,
is he?
Oh, shit, we're out of pills.
Not that it matters. You know,
I'm still feeling pretty loved-up
from the ones I've already had.
Love E!
What do you mean by E - ecstasy?
Yeah. D'you know it?
Why are you taking ecstasy?
Why am I tak...? Cos I'm nervous.
Because you've never had sex
with a prostitute.
Which, by the way, I'm not.
Yeah, I know. I get it. Escort.
Where is the bastard thing?!
Anna?
Yes, I won't be long -
just getting ready.
Well, don't be too long.
Sorry. Just to clarify, what exactly
will your husband be doing?
Life, if he finds you.
Er, all right.
I'll just be two minutes.
I'll be here.
PHONE RINGS
Reception.
Hello. It's Anna Williams
in the honeymoon suite.
Oh, hi, Mrs. Williams.
Is everything OK? I heard the smash.
Yes, I'm sorry.
I will clear up the glass.
Look, we have something
of an emergency here.
Er, I found your best man.
He was in my bath.
So, I need to come...
Er, no, YOU need you to come
and get...and get him out.
Why did the cleaners not see him?
I don't know, do I?
Maybe they're blind.
You know, that would be funny,
wouldn't it?
I say, I say, I say,
my cleaner's blind!
Really, how does she smell?
Is that a joke?
Oh! Oh, God.
Mrs Williams? Mrs Williams,
are you OK? Yes. Yes.
Is he with you now?
He's in his pants.
Almost.
Mrs Williams? Hello?
Come on, Neil. Pick up, man.
PHONE RINGS
How can I help you?
We have booking in honeymoon suite.
Right. You must be, er...
Mr and Mrs Wilson?
If you like.
Sorry. I thought you would be
a man and a woman.
Do you have problem with us
both being women? Women.
No. No, of course not.
I think it's amazing.
Let me show you to your room.
I need water.
It's on the first floor. We'll
sort all the details out later.
Later.
Oh, the cleaner
might still be up in the...
You must be Lukey.
I've...never been this Lukey.
Argh!
OK, this is what is happening.
My husband thinks
I have a thing about young...
And if he sees you in here,
he won't believe I don't.
Which I don't. It was just one...
You...are...so...
But... I know.
I couldn't have asked for
a better gift.
I mean, this makes the whole best
man speech worth sweating over.
Oh, really?
Argh!
Hit me again.
What?
Unless... That's not extra, is it?
Cos we are students.
OK. No, I can't deal with this.
I'm just gonna come clean, all right.
What ever happens...happens.
Want to be reminded
what a grown-up looks like?
Oh, OK. That was a bad plan.
Anna, are you alone in there?
Of course! You big...
I mean, who would I...?
God, you're so suspicious!
PHONE RINGS
Hey, can you just stop that now?!
Reception.
Hello. Yes, it's me again.
Honeymoon suite. New plan.
You can't come in. What?
I'm gonna get him out into the
corridor, so you grab him there.
Anna? Yeah!
What? What are you doing?!
That's my fish!
You're joking!
What's...?
Look, that man out there
really is my husband.
Oh, I see.
So the scenario is that
I'm playing the other man
and he's playing the cuckold.
Brilliant. A proper illicit shag.
You're good.
No! Listen...
Yes.
Perfect.
Look, I don't know what's going on
in there,
but do you want to make love or not?
So...shall we start?
On your knees.
Amazing!
Now, listen to me. I am your mistress
of domination. Brilliant!
When I go out into that room,
I want you to crawl out,
along the back wall,
right up to the door
and then I need you
to open the door and crawl outside.
Do you hear me? Why?
The scenario.
Oh, yeah, I hear you. And then what?
Then you can do anything you want.
Anything I want? Yes. OK.
You just be a good boy.
Do as I say.
So I'm a... And for any of this
to work, you mustn't say anything.
I'm a bad boy.
Yes, you are! But now
you have to be a good one.
But I need you to be a good one.
But I'm a bad one.
Total silence.
Do you understand? Yes.
Ah, not you. What?
Oh. Make love to me, John.
Make love to me now!
In the bathroom. What?
No, terrible idea. It's a terrible
idea. Oh, let's just...
Let's just do what we did
on our honeymoon.
Caravanning on the Gower Peninsula?
This. Oh, this I like!
What are you waiting for?
You are so right!
Oh, God, I need you.
I need you too.
No, I kneed you.
I kneed you with my knee.
Oh, just get on with it.
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
I was looking for...
Do you know what? Good for you.
I think it's brilliant
what you lesb...er, people do.
I really do.
I mean, it's not for me, but...
Why don't I leave you to it?
Oh, thank God!
I'm so sorry - this is the man
I was looking for.
Come on! We've got to go
and get the lost best man.
Come on.
Sorry. Come on!
I'm so sorry. What is it
with men and lesbians?
Get your clothes on and come on!
Girl Power!
Crazy woman. Da! Da. Da.
You're not Mr and Mrs Wilson,
are you?
We are...whoever you want us to be.
Your friends booked us.
You go nowhere!
Hey!
Hang on. This isn't what we did
on our honeymoon. What?
I blindfolded you.
Much more fun.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, God,
you've got an amazing memory.
There are some things
I am trying to forget.
Oh, I've missed you so much.
This is one of the craziest days
of my life.
I know what you mean.
I'm starting again. I haven't felt
like this since Ludlow.
Are you gonna get on with it
or make speeches?
Not another peep!
Right, I promise you I will find
Luke for you right now.
Come on, quick.
OK. I was in my pants because
the shower soaked my clothes.
Yeah, OK. No, really!
If you want to clean
in your underwear, Neil,
you clean in your underwear
No, what happened...
Relax. It was a...
it was a treat for all of us.
Oh, for goodness sake,
open the door.
Wait. She said she'd get him
out here.
Well, she hasn't. Right. OK.
Go on then. Go on then what?
Go on then, get him! With what?
Use this. You seem
to like being in your pants.
Been working out?
Yeah, I've being doing
a little bit of running.
What - to the chippy and back?
No, I walk back cos I don't
want to drop the chips.
John?
John, what are you waiting for?
I said that's not him. What?
I don't understand. What?
So you are not Luke either?
Who? I'm so sorry. There's been
a terrible misunderstanding.
Yeah, clearly. Who's Luke?
He's the best man. What?
How do Mr and Mrs Wilson
know the best man?
This isn't Mr and Mrs Wilson.
These ladies are prostitutes.
ALL: Prostitutes?!
Escorts. Prostitutes.
Right. OK, well,
if you'll excuse me,
I was in the middle of something
rather wonderful.
Ladies.
So where the hell is Luke?
You have two minutes to get out
of this hotel, right?
We can't have hookers wandering
around the place in my first week.
It took at least a month
for that in Wrexham.
Oh, and for God's sake,
put some clothes on. Yeah. Yeah.
Oh, John!
John.
Oh, John!
That is...good.
I thought you'd gone.
Don't stop. You can tell me later.
Oh, that...that really is...
very...fast.
Oh, God, I've missed you.
Oh, I was such a fool.
I swear on my life
it will never happen again.
Oh...!
You are the best
I've ever had. Ever, ever had.
Oh, John. Oh, John, slow down!
No, don't slow down...
Speed up.
Oh, yeah, right there.
Oh... Oh... Oh...
Yeah, that's it! Oh, don't stop.
Oh...!
I'm coming, sausage. The bloody
idiots locked me out.
They thought
that I was a 21-year-old.
Any idea why they'd think that you
had one of those in your room?
Is this OK?
You? How did you..?
I thought you'd gone.
Yeah, I was about to, but it
felt more fun to hide in that thing.
I was just riffing. You know,
you said I could do anything.
With the husband gone, the affair
continues. I LOVE this game!
Anna, what's the hold-up?
I'm just...
Sorry, should I stop?
I'm just trying to untie myself.
You tied me up, remember?
Oh, God, of course.
I'll get a key.
No, wait. Don't!
I won't be a minute.
As you were.
And, er...hurry.
It feels like a sort of metaphor.
A door between us
that neither of us can open.
I feel so close to you right now.
I know you did what you did,
but the truth is, it wouldn't be
fair if I didn't tell you this.
I slept with someone too.
I slept with Amy from work.
What - Ample Amy?!
Just the once.
You lying...
And twice in the morning.
..hypocritical...
You said you'd forgive me.
Dear God!
Anna? What do you say?
OK, I understand your situation
and I'm sorry you're not getting
laid...paid,
but unfortunately for you, there
is no Luke, so please follow me.
We don't see Luke,
we don't get paid. Shame!
Can you just let me
into my bloody room?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
This is just getting better
and better. Was I any good?
The best. But you need to
shut up now,
because if you say
another bloody word,
my husband will leave me...again!
Really? I love this scenario.
I mean, great touch from him
about sleeping with Ample Amy.
What are you doing?
Can we just go? Leave?
Where is Luke? Where?
I am so sorry.
Look, I must insist the pair of you
leave. I will not ask again!
We go nowhere till we see Luke.
Luke!
Now, we can do this the nice way
or we can do it the nasty way.
Yes, good idea.
What did she say?
Look, we are not leaving here
until we are paid!
Oh, let's go down...
Anna? Do you know anything
about this Luke?
No. No.
Wait. John... Is that Luke?
Wait. John, wait.
John, it's not what you think.
Oh, it's not? No, trust me, John.
It's really not what you think.
What happens next?
What happens next?!
I beat you to death. John, stop it!
Right, do I hit him back?
No offence,
but I think I preferred the scenario
when I was just sleeping
with your wife.
Do your worst, you little shit!
Oh, John, stop it! John!
Do something!
No sex, no money.
How could you sleep with Ample Amy?
Coo-ee! I'm here.
Oh, what a journey!
It's mayhem out there.
Mum.
# I believe in a thing called love
# Listen to the rhythm of my heart
There's a chance we can make it now
# We'll be rockin'
till the sun goes down
# I believe in a thing
called love, love, love... #
Oh, John!
Oh, John!
JOHN!
Amy!
WHAT?!
that you're making me feel
# My heart's in overdrive
# And you're behind
the steering wheel
# Touching you
# Touching me
# Touching you
# God, you're touching me
# I believe in a thing called love
# Just listen to the rhythm
of my heart
# There's a chance we can make it now
# We'll be rockin'
till the sun goes down
# I believe in a thing
called love... #
So that's 27 bottles of lager,
eight mini-bottles of Jack Daniel's,
16 chunky Kit-Kats
and two rocket salads.
Call yourself a stag do?
Can I ask
why you're holding that skull?
Cos if I put it down,
I have to drink.
And I can't drink any more.
SHE DINGS BELL
Neil?
< VIOLENT RETCHING
Neil!
Neil?
MUFFLED RESPONSE
What?
I...have a, er...reservation.
Right. Yes.
There's a man standing there...
with his penis.
And there are several other men
being sick in your plant pots.
Yeah.
OK, so that is all happening.
Sorry. It's only my first week.
This never happened in Wrexham.
Right. What was the name?
Bartlett. Anna Bartlett.
Oh, we're not expecting
anyone of that name.
Oh, er, maybe Williams.
Bartlett's my maiden name.
I've been using that
ever since my husband and I...
Williams is my married name,
so, you know, I am still actually
married, officially.
So anyway, yes, Bartlett - that's me.
Sorry - Williams!
OK. Would you like me to get Neil
to take your luggage?
Neil? Yep.
Isn't he a little...
out of commission?
Do excuse me.
< BANGING AND YELPING
Neil will help you now.
Luggage?
All right, mate.
Enjoy hanging out last night?
Very good, sir.
Oh, by the way, we've lost one.
Luke, the best man.
Let him know we've gone
if you find him, will you?
Shall we?
Will you be paying by card? Oh.
Oh!
Stag rules are stag rules.
To think we're putting our lives
in their hands! Sorry?
Medical students.
That lot downstairs.
Seven years' training
just to find out
how to look something up
on the bloody internet. Bunch of...!
No, we get a lot more stag dos
in Stratford now.
Never used to be like that.
The worst behaviour you got in this
place back in the day
were method actors
rehearsing for Coriolanus.
Right.
Er...
I'm so embarrassed
about my appearance earlier.
It must have been quite a shock.
Sorry?
Earlier. Seeing me...in that state.
Oh, yes. Yes, it was. Quite a shock.
Don't be embarrassed.
You must have been traumatised.
Amazing how small...things
get under pressure, isn't it?
I remember my husband...
Well, he was my fiance at the time.
We were on holiday in Miami and we
wandered into a dangerous area.
We got mugged
at knifepoint by these men.
When we got back to the hotel
and he undressed,
I remembered looking down and saying,
"Blimey! I don't remember them
taking your..." This is your room.
So, er, this is it.
Rumour has it William Shakespeare
himself slept in that very bed.
He didn't, obviously.
It's from DFS. But...
There's an en-suite bathroom
over there, views of the gardens
and of course, a complimentary
bottle of champagne.
Yeah. Yeah, I remember.
So if there's anything else
you want...
It's been nearly ten years.
Has it really?
Wow!
Since what?
We spent our honeymoon here.
Oh, I see. It's a
nostalgic weekend. Lovely!
But if you have all you need,
I'll, er...
All I need? Yes.
Oh, I had that and then I threw it
all away, I'm afraid.
It's our tenth wedding anniversary.
We thought it would be
romantic to come back
and spend it in our honeymoon suite.
And then I went and...
I thought...well, it's paid for.
Might as well come.
It's all right. Won't be on my own.
I've got someone coming for lunch.
Ah, well, that's something then,
I suppose.
Oh, God, we make a right pair,
don't we?
Me with my...
and you with your...
Anything else you need, just...
I won't hesitate.
Sorry about your penis.
Brilliant.
PHONE RINGS
Mum? Where are you?
All right.
Is that a real ten minutes
or your ten minutes?
No, I haven't heard from him.
He made it very clear
that the marriage is over.
I know what I did, Mum.
I'm not a sex addict.
Well, how big is this traffic jam?
Dear God, I don't know
if I want him back.
I'm not...I'm not
protecting myself. I...
All right, all right.
Yes, I do want him back, OK,
but he isn't coming back, all right?
He has moved on,
which means my life is fucked.
Yes, I do swear now
and occasionally I smoke!
No, I don't know
what I'm going to do.
But I do know
I have a massive headache.
No, I know it wouldn't be
as bad as yours, Mum.
I know the traffic's bad, Mum.
It's just I cannot be alone
in this bloody room any longer!
Please just hurry up.
They lost one, then.
Yeah, I know. I heard.
The man with the breath?
The breath?
Yeah. He had breath like Tarzan.
He said they lost the best man.
Hang on, hang on.
Tarzan's got bad breath?
Course he does.
He lives in a jungle.
Yeah, I don't see
how that would...
Well, have you ever seen him
clean his teeth?
No, but I've haven't seen you
clean yours.
Are you saying I've got bad breath?
No, quite the opposite, which
clearly makes a case for Tarzan.
You're very hung-up on this Tarzan
thing. You brought him up.
You're the one banging on about the
King of the Apes. You're obsessed.
Oh, dear God.
What?
We've double-booked
the honeymoon suite.
Leave it to me.
I might need a hand.
Hello, I've got a reservation
in the honeymoon suite.
Oh, well, go on up then, sir.
Is there a key?
DOOR CLICKS
At bloody last!
John?
John?
What the hell are you doing here?
Well?
I'm meeting my mother. Oh, please!
John, why are you here?
For very different reasons to you,
it would seem.
I don't understand.
Well, let me explain.
Because it cost ?330.
I didn't think it should sit empty
just because you screwed up
our marriage.
The price turned out to be exclusive
of VAT, by the way,
which is galling.
How've you been?
Where is he?
Who?
The boy that you planned on sleeping
with on our wedding anniversary.
Oh, you are an idiot!
No shit! The day I said "I do"
made that clear.
God, that was the first thing I saw
when I woke up as a married man.
Well, not quite.
The first thing you saw
when you woke up was my...
You expect me to believe
that you're waiting for your mother?
I don't care what you believe,
cos you're gonna see her in a
minute when she walks through door.
Oh, well, let's see then, shall we?
It'll be a joy to see her.
That would be a first.
I think she's sweet.
You think my mother's sweet? Yes.
Wow, I never thought
I'd hear you say that.
I never thought you'd shag
a ten-year-old.
Jesus, he was 21!
Nearly.
What was I thinking?
Well, you were a bit somewhere else
yesterday, weren't you?
Somewhere else?
Yeah. Somewhere else in your head.
Somewhere else in me head?
What you talking about?
Are you some kind of shrink?
Oh, right. And what did you observe
last night
when they were sticking you
in a plaster cast
and unleashing your...?
Brilliant - are we on that again?
Can we move on?
Will this work?
Of course it will.
I've been doing this for years.
What - in your head?
Step ladder.
Come on.
So what are we gonna do?
Well, you left me,
not the other way round.
I meant about the room.
Can't both stay in it.
Look, whi...
Look, while we're both here,
we could...you know.
You want to have sex?
I want to talk!
What is wrong with everyone?
What would we talk about? Us.
Us? You weren't thinking
about us when you...
How do you know that?
Oh, so you were thinking
about me while you were...
No, no, that would be insane.
I'd forgive you. Sorry?
If you slept with someone else.
But I haven't.
No, I know. I'm just saying,
if you have,
I would forgive you. OK?
If you have. Look, I understand.
One mistake in ten years
is not that bad.
I'm sure it's not
if you're the one who's made it.
Look, all I'm saying
is I forgive you. For what?
Look, the point is, whether
you have shagged someone or not,
I would forgive you
so you could forgi...
So you forgiving me for something
that I haven't done
means that I should forgive you
for something you actually have,
namely, shagging a 17-year-old boy.
He was...
..older than that!
What the hell?
I've often wondered why
it's the honeymoon suite
that gets the broken stuff.
I wouldn't know.
We didn't have one in Wrexham.
Not a big call for it.
It was mainly travelling salesman -
the adult channel and wet wipes.
So can we get away with this
without them knowing?
Relax. I'm like an ninja.
Ssh!
I so owe you for this.
I think it's too much pressure on.
On what? On being married.
The build-up, the expense...
It can only disappoint.
It's like when you're a kid - you
can't wait for Christmas to come.
Weeks and weeks of anticipation
and when it finally does come,
what is it?
A mixture of over-priced plastic
and flatulence.
Oh, does that mean
you don't want to get married?
I think it's unnatural.
Sure, it sounds good on paper,
but in reality...
Mmm. Maybe you're right.
My mum and dad have been together
for 50 years,
barely spoke for 30 of them.
Exactly.
When they do speak,
it's just to fight.
You see? My mum thinks my dad's
a liar and a drunk.
Right.
And my dad thinks
my mum's a dirty slag
cos she slept with Uncle Bert.
Among others.
Among other what?
Family members. Mostly distant.
Jesus!
And she's never really forgiven him
for punching the vicar
at their wedding
cos he was looking at her tits.
Right.
OK. Now...the swap.
Why did you do that?
You did it first.
What are you, 12?
Why? Would you fancy me
if I said yes?
Yes, because I'm a paedophile!
You think so? No!
Was he the only one?
Oh, God, do you know what?
Why don't you wait
and ask my mum, all right?
You can work it out between you.
In fact, if she's so sweet,
why don't you sleep with her?
I don't fancy your mum.
Not since she put the weight on.
You didn't answer.
No. Nor am I going to.
So he wasn't the only one.
Were they all young boys?
For goodness sake! What are you -
some sort of teen obsessive?
Do you enjoy being a MILF?
A what?
Or are you a cougar?
Like in that show Cougar Town.
Jesus, how many porn categories
are there? Were they all young men?
Look, we had this out
when you left.
I slept with one young guy.
All right, he was very...
You were away, we hadn't had sex
in nearly a year
and he wanted to sleep with me
and I thought, why not?
All right, I miss it, John.
I like sex. Is that so bad?
So do I.
Hmm. I think you preferred
Newsnight.
That was only weekdays.
Now then...how do you like that?
Sorry? Oh, I wasn't looking at
your, er... My what?
God, my boyfriend would kill me if
he thought I was looking at...
Boyfriend? Kind of.
Don't tell him, then. Not that
you WERE looking, obviously.
Were you looking?
I couldn't tell him if I wanted to.
Why? He's had some kind of
spiritual crisis.
Gone away for a while,
to find himself.
Where? Barbados.
Bar...Bar...
I can't believe you saw my...
You'll have to clean it.
Sorry?
The Verona suite. It not due
to be used till tomorrow.
Hello?
Hello?
Argh!
Look, I'm sorry I did what I did.
Did you really only come here
because of the money?
Wasn't there a tiny part of you
that hoped I'd be here?
You know that I've always...
desired you.
Oh, don't be weird.
That sounds weird.
Because I'm a grown-up?
Because it's weird.
Jesus, I just thought...
Wait.
Oh, what the hell?
Are you sure you want me back?
Yes. And not just for the kids?
Cos me and the kids
are doing pretty well
with the whole weekend access thing.
No, for me. For me. I want us
to be together again.
No more sex with young men?
No, of course not.
Or anyone.
Just wait a minute. Wait.
Of course a part of me
was hoping you'd be here.
I want you back.
I want to show you
what you've been missing.
Oh, thank you, God!
Why, what's he done?
What? Who the hell are you?
Who the hell are you?
Sorry, I must have...
What day is it?
Oh, Christ. Oh, Christ, you must
be the bloody best man.
Yeah.
Oh, God!
You must be from Cougar Town.
Oh, I really must watch this show.
Not the show. The agency.
Sorry? OK.
Just so you know, I told the boys
that I have never had sex with a...
you know?
Woman? Prostitute.
Prostitute?
You think I'm a prostitute?
Oh. Sorry, escort. Sorry.
Love that word.
Makes us both feel
so much better about this.
OK, this isn't happening.
Yeah. I think I'll probably deal
with it that way as well.
I'm gonna... I'm just gonna
tell my husband.
I'm just gonna tell my husband
that you're here.
I mean, he's gonna understand that,
isn't he?
That is just... I mean,
that is what I'm gonna do.
OK. Sorry? Is this a scenario?
Did they pay for a scenario?
No, this isn't a scenario -
this is serious.
So keep your bloody voice down.
Whatever you say, madam.
Anna, are you coming out?
Er, sorry... Is your husband a man?
Of course he's a bloody man.
Anna?
OK. It's just that I'd assumed
that it would be two women.
I mean, I'm not against it
per se... Just that....
Oh, Jesus, I can't tell him.
I mean, he already thinks
I've got a thing about..
So he's not gonna believe this,
is he?
Oh, shit, we're out of pills.
Not that it matters. You know,
I'm still feeling pretty loved-up
from the ones I've already had.
Love E!
What do you mean by E - ecstasy?
Yeah. D'you know it?
Why are you taking ecstasy?
Why am I tak...? Cos I'm nervous.
Because you've never had sex
with a prostitute.
Which, by the way, I'm not.
Yeah, I know. I get it. Escort.
Where is the bastard thing?!
Anna?
Yes, I won't be long -
just getting ready.
Well, don't be too long.
Sorry. Just to clarify, what exactly
will your husband be doing?
Life, if he finds you.
Er, all right.
I'll just be two minutes.
I'll be here.
PHONE RINGS
Reception.
Hello. It's Anna Williams
in the honeymoon suite.
Oh, hi, Mrs. Williams.
Is everything OK? I heard the smash.
Yes, I'm sorry.
I will clear up the glass.
Look, we have something
of an emergency here.
Er, I found your best man.
He was in my bath.
So, I need to come...
Er, no, YOU need you to come
and get...and get him out.
Why did the cleaners not see him?
I don't know, do I?
Maybe they're blind.
You know, that would be funny,
wouldn't it?
I say, I say, I say,
my cleaner's blind!
Really, how does she smell?
Is that a joke?
Oh! Oh, God.
Mrs Williams? Mrs Williams,
are you OK? Yes. Yes.
Is he with you now?
He's in his pants.
Almost.
Mrs Williams? Hello?
Come on, Neil. Pick up, man.
PHONE RINGS
How can I help you?
We have booking in honeymoon suite.
Right. You must be, er...
Mr and Mrs Wilson?
If you like.
Sorry. I thought you would be
a man and a woman.
Do you have problem with us
both being women? Women.
No. No, of course not.
I think it's amazing.
Let me show you to your room.
I need water.
It's on the first floor. We'll
sort all the details out later.
Later.
Oh, the cleaner
might still be up in the...
You must be Lukey.
I've...never been this Lukey.
Argh!
OK, this is what is happening.
My husband thinks
I have a thing about young...
And if he sees you in here,
he won't believe I don't.
Which I don't. It was just one...
You...are...so...
But... I know.
I couldn't have asked for
a better gift.
I mean, this makes the whole best
man speech worth sweating over.
Oh, really?
Argh!
Hit me again.
What?
Unless... That's not extra, is it?
Cos we are students.
OK. No, I can't deal with this.
I'm just gonna come clean, all right.
What ever happens...happens.
Want to be reminded
what a grown-up looks like?
Oh, OK. That was a bad plan.
Anna, are you alone in there?
Of course! You big...
I mean, who would I...?
God, you're so suspicious!
PHONE RINGS
Hey, can you just stop that now?!
Reception.
Hello. Yes, it's me again.
Honeymoon suite. New plan.
You can't come in. What?
I'm gonna get him out into the
corridor, so you grab him there.
Anna? Yeah!
What? What are you doing?!
That's my fish!
You're joking!
What's...?
Look, that man out there
really is my husband.
Oh, I see.
So the scenario is that
I'm playing the other man
and he's playing the cuckold.
Brilliant. A proper illicit shag.
You're good.
No! Listen...
Yes.
Perfect.
Look, I don't know what's going on
in there,
but do you want to make love or not?
So...shall we start?
On your knees.
Amazing!
Now, listen to me. I am your mistress
of domination. Brilliant!
When I go out into that room,
I want you to crawl out,
along the back wall,
right up to the door
and then I need you
to open the door and crawl outside.
Do you hear me? Why?
The scenario.
Oh, yeah, I hear you. And then what?
Then you can do anything you want.
Anything I want? Yes. OK.
You just be a good boy.
Do as I say.
So I'm a... And for any of this
to work, you mustn't say anything.
I'm a bad boy.
Yes, you are! But now
you have to be a good one.
But I need you to be a good one.
But I'm a bad one.
Total silence.
Do you understand? Yes.
Ah, not you. What?
Oh. Make love to me, John.
Make love to me now!
In the bathroom. What?
No, terrible idea. It's a terrible
idea. Oh, let's just...
Let's just do what we did
on our honeymoon.
Caravanning on the Gower Peninsula?
This. Oh, this I like!
What are you waiting for?
You are so right!
Oh, God, I need you.
I need you too.
No, I kneed you.
I kneed you with my knee.
Oh, just get on with it.
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
I was looking for...
Do you know what? Good for you.
I think it's brilliant
what you lesb...er, people do.
I really do.
I mean, it's not for me, but...
Why don't I leave you to it?
Oh, thank God!
I'm so sorry - this is the man
I was looking for.
Come on! We've got to go
and get the lost best man.
Come on.
Sorry. Come on!
I'm so sorry. What is it
with men and lesbians?
Get your clothes on and come on!
Girl Power!
Crazy woman. Da! Da. Da.
You're not Mr and Mrs Wilson,
are you?
We are...whoever you want us to be.
Your friends booked us.
You go nowhere!
Hey!
Hang on. This isn't what we did
on our honeymoon. What?
I blindfolded you.
Much more fun.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, God,
you've got an amazing memory.
There are some things
I am trying to forget.
Oh, I've missed you so much.
This is one of the craziest days
of my life.
I know what you mean.
I'm starting again. I haven't felt
like this since Ludlow.
Are you gonna get on with it
or make speeches?
Not another peep!
Right, I promise you I will find
Luke for you right now.
Come on, quick.
OK. I was in my pants because
the shower soaked my clothes.
Yeah, OK. No, really!
If you want to clean
in your underwear, Neil,
you clean in your underwear
No, what happened...
Relax. It was a...
it was a treat for all of us.
Oh, for goodness sake,
open the door.
Wait. She said she'd get him
out here.
Well, she hasn't. Right. OK.
Go on then. Go on then what?
Go on then, get him! With what?
Use this. You seem
to like being in your pants.
Been working out?
Yeah, I've being doing
a little bit of running.
What - to the chippy and back?
No, I walk back cos I don't
want to drop the chips.
John?
John, what are you waiting for?
I said that's not him. What?
I don't understand. What?
So you are not Luke either?
Who? I'm so sorry. There's been
a terrible misunderstanding.
Yeah, clearly. Who's Luke?
He's the best man. What?
How do Mr and Mrs Wilson
know the best man?
This isn't Mr and Mrs Wilson.
These ladies are prostitutes.
ALL: Prostitutes?!
Escorts. Prostitutes.
Right. OK, well,
if you'll excuse me,
I was in the middle of something
rather wonderful.
Ladies.
So where the hell is Luke?
You have two minutes to get out
of this hotel, right?
We can't have hookers wandering
around the place in my first week.
It took at least a month
for that in Wrexham.
Oh, and for God's sake,
put some clothes on. Yeah. Yeah.
Oh, John!
John.
Oh, John!
That is...good.
I thought you'd gone.
Don't stop. You can tell me later.
Oh, that...that really is...
very...fast.
Oh, God, I've missed you.
Oh, I was such a fool.
I swear on my life
it will never happen again.
Oh...!
You are the best
I've ever had. Ever, ever had.
Oh, John. Oh, John, slow down!
No, don't slow down...
Speed up.
Oh, yeah, right there.
Oh... Oh... Oh...
Yeah, that's it! Oh, don't stop.
Oh...!
I'm coming, sausage. The bloody
idiots locked me out.
They thought
that I was a 21-year-old.
Any idea why they'd think that you
had one of those in your room?
Is this OK?
You? How did you..?
I thought you'd gone.
Yeah, I was about to, but it
felt more fun to hide in that thing.
I was just riffing. You know,
you said I could do anything.
With the husband gone, the affair
continues. I LOVE this game!
Anna, what's the hold-up?
I'm just...
Sorry, should I stop?
I'm just trying to untie myself.
You tied me up, remember?
Oh, God, of course.
I'll get a key.
No, wait. Don't!
I won't be a minute.
As you were.
And, er...hurry.
It feels like a sort of metaphor.
A door between us
that neither of us can open.
I feel so close to you right now.
I know you did what you did,
but the truth is, it wouldn't be
fair if I didn't tell you this.
I slept with someone too.
I slept with Amy from work.
What - Ample Amy?!
Just the once.
You lying...
And twice in the morning.
..hypocritical...
You said you'd forgive me.
Dear God!
Anna? What do you say?
OK, I understand your situation
and I'm sorry you're not getting
laid...paid,
but unfortunately for you, there
is no Luke, so please follow me.
We don't see Luke,
we don't get paid. Shame!
Can you just let me
into my bloody room?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
This is just getting better
and better. Was I any good?
The best. But you need to
shut up now,
because if you say
another bloody word,
my husband will leave me...again!
Really? I love this scenario.
I mean, great touch from him
about sleeping with Ample Amy.
What are you doing?
Can we just go? Leave?
Where is Luke? Where?
I am so sorry.
Look, I must insist the pair of you
leave. I will not ask again!
We go nowhere till we see Luke.
Luke!
Now, we can do this the nice way
or we can do it the nasty way.
Yes, good idea.
What did she say?
Look, we are not leaving here
until we are paid!
Oh, let's go down...
Anna? Do you know anything
about this Luke?
No. No.
Wait. John... Is that Luke?
Wait. John, wait.
John, it's not what you think.
Oh, it's not? No, trust me, John.
It's really not what you think.
What happens next?
What happens next?!
I beat you to death. John, stop it!
Right, do I hit him back?
No offence,
but I think I preferred the scenario
when I was just sleeping
with your wife.
Do your worst, you little shit!
Oh, John, stop it! John!
Do something!
No sex, no money.
How could you sleep with Ample Amy?
Coo-ee! I'm here.
Oh, what a journey!
It's mayhem out there.
Mum.
# I believe in a thing called love
# Listen to the rhythm of my heart
There's a chance we can make it now
# We'll be rockin'
till the sun goes down
# I believe in a thing
called love, love, love... #
Oh, John!
Oh, John!
JOHN!
Amy!
WHAT?!