Divorce Law (1993) - full transcript
A law firm specialized in divorces must deal with several new divorce cases and personal crises in this erotic anthology. The first story is titled "An American She-Wolf in Tokyo". A once popular all-girl rock singer Loosha Wolf, who fronted the band "Loosha Wolf and the She-Hits", has a big problem. She's been married to a rich Japanese businessman for years and now she wants a divorce. However, he's blackmailing her not to go through with it, since he has a sex tape of her in a gang bang with several male sponsors of the band. Meanwhile, the firm's owner Philip Grimes finds out a fling with a woman he rescued while working decades ago as a firefighter produced a child, Victoria, who comes to meet her daddy. Unfortunately, she can't take her hands off both his employees and the people involved with the case. In story two, "Slam Dunk", a wife needs help against her husband, who's filed for divorce after catching her having sex with a poindexter Peeping Tom Meanwhile, Grimes' top lawyer Rachel Horn must help a lesbian, whose life partner wants to split up with her and get their house they bought together. The identity of this woman is a shock to Rachel, since it's her lesbian twin sister - Brenda!. In "Emeralds of the Amazon", a husband brings men to his wife to sleep with. He then proceeds to secretly record their lovemaking and make sex tapes he sells in South America. She learns about this and wants a divorce and damages.
- Poor Maggie was there.
Naked, in her room, when a dashing young fireman
came bursting through the window, waving
his wayward hose.
- He's gonna show the video tape to my parents.
- Lutia Wolf?
Oh, my grandson listens to your record all the time.
- I'm shocked to hear these stories of rabid
promiscuity among basketball players, you know,
when they're on the road.
- Why would I waste my time chasing after loose women?
- It must've been hot.
- Actually, it got real wild.
- Pink would be a more appropriate color to describe it.
- What is he, your uncle, or something?
- Yeah, that's it.
- She called her a wanton little slut, that could never
be sexually satisfied.
- If he so much as lays one finger on her,
so help me, I will kill him, I mean, killing him!
- Oh, I take it from your tone that Grant's
in the doghouse for something?
- Big time.
There you are.
- Ugh, I've been hoodwinked.
- Brenda!
- Oh my god, Rachel!
(laid back music)
- Lulu, do you remember an all-girl heavy metal
rock group called Lutia Wolf and the She Hits?
- Yeah, whatever happened to them?
- Well, Lutia married a rich Japanese businessman,
and the group broke up.
- Well, if this is her, she can hum in my mic
any day.
- Yes, I'm sure you'd like that, Grant.
That's why I'm giving this case to Rachel.
- Oh, shoot, she always gets the hot ones.
- Lutia Wolf's husband is Fujihito Gowandawa.
Doesn't he own Ramahoshu Electronics?
The developers of the three quarter
inch vibrating rectaplug?
- Rach, didn't know you were so up on these things.
- I like to keep a well-rounded body of knowledge,
especially concerning recent technological breakthroughs.
- Mr. Grimes, I forgot to tell you, there's
a Victoria Washington waiting in your office to see you.
- Washington.
Washington.
I don't know any Victoria Washington.
- Oh, that's funny.
She sure seemed to know you.
(slow music)
- Miss Washington?
- Yeah.
You can call me Victoria.
- Okay.
- Are you the same Philip Grimes who used
to work with the Farmington Fire Department?
- Someone's been doing their homework, yeah,
about 20 years ago, I was a sophomore in college
at ...
Washington.
Are you any relation to Maggie Washington,
the woman from the Saint Francis hotel fire?
- I'd like to thank you for saving my mother's life.
- Oh ...
- If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be here.
- Well, no, I actually was just doing my job, you know ...
- Oh, no, Philip.
What you did was way above and beyond the call of duty.
- Well, it was a hell of a fire, now that
I think back on it.
As a matter of fact, I wanna say your mother
was doing her laundry at the time, and the fire
actually broke out in the clothes dryer, and
the funniest thing, electrical shock evidently ignited
your mother's lingerie.
- That wasn't all that was ignited, was it Phil?
Poor Maggie was there, naked in her room,
all of her clothes in the burning clothes dryer
down the hall.
When a dashing young fire man came bursting
through the window, waving his wayward hose.
- You know, you're making this thing sound
like a cheap romance novel.
- Oh, but it must've been romantic.
Not to mention cheap.
Two lonely people, all alone in that towering inferno.
It must've been hot.
- It was a tad bit toasty, yes, but actually,
you see, you're supposed to do that, Victoria,
I mean, you're supposed to get down on the floor,
so you don't die of smoke inhalation,
and of course, your mother was experiencing
some heavy breathing, so I gave her mouth to mouth
resuscitation, and well, one thing sort of
led to another, you know.
- My mother told me everything that happened
last month on my birthday.
Everything.
- Last month?
Tell me, Victoria, how old are you?
- 19.
That's right.
Hi dad.
(upbeat music)
- When She Hits were touring back in '89,
we had some pretty wild times on the road.
Fujihito has a video tape of the night we met.
It's of me, and him, and three other guys
on a table.
He's threatening to use it in open court
if I go through with the divorce.
- The video was made before you and Fujihito were
married.
- Yeah, a few weeks before.
- Well, then it's inadmissible as evidence of adultery.
Were you faithful to Fujihito during your marriage?
- Yeah, I was.
It's nothing to do with Fujihito.
It's just the She Hits are doing a new album
and they want me to sing on it.
Fujihito doesn't want me to.
He says if I go back with the She Hits,
he's gonna show the video tape to my parents.
My mother would just die if she saw it.
- So he's blackmailing you?
- Yeah, and I don't know what to do.
My parents are very religious people.
- Lutia, why don't you tell me exactly
what's on this tape, so that we know what
we're dealing with here.
- We were on tour in Japan.
We had a number on album over there.
After the concert, the promoter threw a party,
for all the crew.
Got pretty wild.
Actually, it got real wild.
As the night wore on, I got pretty wasted
on sake.
I was drinking it out of those little ceramic cups
like they were shot glasses.
I got so drunk, that when the other girls in the band
asked me if I wanted to ride back with them
to the hotel, I told them I'd catch a ride back
with somebody else.
When I get drunk, I love to dance.
They had this bitching stereo system at this party.
It must've been about four in the morning by then.
The only people left at the party were me, Fujihito,
and a few of his international business associates.
I was getting real hot from dancing, so I took off
my leather jacket and threw it down on the couch.
The guys started cheering and whistling.
Something inside me just kicked into gear.
I started performing for them like I was onstage
or something.
Never done a strip tease before, but I just faked it
like I knew what I was doing.
The more I took off, the more they whistled and cheered.
(slow rock music)
Soon I find myself dancing on top of a table.
With only my bra and underwear coming between me,
and the outside world.
I noticed a little red blinking light up in
the corner of the room.
I knew it was a camcorder.
I knew it was recording everything.
I didn't care.
I was totally in the now, the moment.
(rock music)
I took off my bra and slung it at the guys.
They grabbed for it like it was a bridal bouquet
or something.
(rock music)
Then I laid down on top of the table, and became
their after-dinner dessert.
They started rubbing their hands all over me.
But they weren't like American guys, who were
grabby and greedy.
(rock music)
- Hello.
Where's Philip?
- He's in court.
Said he'd be back in a couple hours.
- You know, I don't think we've had the pleasure
of being introduced.
Grant Peterson.
- Hi Grant.
Victoria Washington.
- Are you one of Philip's clients?
- No.
- Girlfriend?
- No way.
We're related.
- Oh, what is he, your uncle, or something?
- Yeah, that's it.
He's my uncle.
A distant uncle.
- Well, now that you mention it, you do bear
a striking resemblance.
- I'm starved, is there anywhere to get lunch
around here?
- Yeah, lots of places.
Can I take you out to lunch?
- Yeah.
We don't have much sushi in the midwest.
- [Grant] No?
It's all over the place out here.
So, Victoria.
What do people in the midwest do for fun?
- [Victoria] Fun?
All kinds of stuff.
- [Grant] Like what?
- [Victoria] Well, let's see.
We go bowling.
Play mini golf, checkers, shuffle board,
and on cold winter nights, we play Yahtzee
and Canasta.
- [Grant] Not exactly my idea of a good time.
- [Lulu] Yes, Mr. Grimes?
- Yeah, Lulu, have you seen Victoria?
- [Lulu] She left about a couple of hours ago
with Mr. Peterson.
- With Grant?
Where'd they go?
- [Lulu] Lunch.
- Well, they're taking kind of a long lunch break,
don't you think?
- [Lulu] Well, you know how Mr. Peterson is.
- Yes, I do.
Thanks, Lulu.
That dog.
If he so much as lays one finger on her, so help me, I will
kill him, I mean, I will kill him!
- [Victoria] Oh.
There's on other thing I forgot we do a lot of
in the Midwest.
- [Grant] What's that?
- [Victoria] We like to fuck.
- [Grant] (coughs)
- [Victoria] You dropped your chopsticks.
- [Grant] I know.
Sorry.
Listen, Victoria, we really should be getting back
to the office, what's your distant uncle
gonna think?
- [Victoria] Who cares what he thinks?
I got a better idea.
Why don't we go to a hotel?
Careful, don't drop your miso soup.
- [Grant] Check, please!
(upbeat circus music)
- Well, Mrs. Bivers, I think there's a good chance
the judge will rule in our favor, particularly
when you consider that your husband failed
to use denture adhesive in the bedroom.
- Oh, yes.
- Oh, excuse me, Philip, can I use this conference room
this afternoon, for a Discovery meeting?
- Sure, we're finished up now, help yourself.
- Oh, yes.
- Do you know if Grant has anything scheduled?
- No, Grant has an appointment with destiny after
he gets back from lunch.
- Oh, I take it from your tone that Grant's
in the dog house for something.
- Big time.
Oh, by the way Rachel, this is Mrs. Bivers,
our client, this is my colleague, Rachel Horn.
- Mrs. Bivers. - How do you do?
- This is Lutia Wolf.
- Lutia Wolf!
Oh, my grandson listens to your records all the time.
Could you autograph something for him?
- I'd be glad to.
- Oh, here, my divorce papers.
That oughta do.
- Okay.
- Just make it out to Ronnie.
- To Ronnie.
- Oh, the little bugger's gonna be so damn excited
that I met you.
- Here you are Mrs. Bivers, and please give my love
to Ronnie.
- Oh, well, thank you dear.
If only all rockstars could be this polite.
- Lutia, I just had a wonderful idea.
Philip, can I borrow Mrs. Bivers for a little while?
- I don't mind, if Mrs. Bivers doesn't mind.
- Oh! (laughs)
- Nice try, though. - Nice try.
- Our figures show, that if Lutia had continued
her career with the She Hits, she would've made
2.5 ...
- Pardon me.
- Mother, what are you doing here?
- I heard you were having family problems.
I wanted to see if I could be of help.
- Mother, there's some things you just can't
help me with.
I have to got through them on my own.
- So, this is you mother, Lutia.
What a pleasure to finally meet you, Mrs. Wolf.
I'm sorry you couldn't make it to our wedding.
- Yeah, oh, well, I had things to do, like
cleaning your father's dentures.
- Dad does like corn on the cob.
- Mrs. Wolf.
I have a videotape I would like you to ...
- No, you wouldn't!
- It will show you with crystal clarity
what sort of activities your daughter was engaged in,
before I made an honest woman out of her,
and took her out of rock and roll.
Well, I'll be glad to take a look at it.
- There's a VCR in Grant's office right next door.
- Oh!
- It was shot on a Rimahushu super ultra
low light camcorder,
one that my company makes, you'll find its resolution
impeccable.
Especially its ability to capture the minutest
of details, in very low light.
- Oh, we'll see!
Toodle-oo!
(dramatically building music)
- Ooh, that Grant.
I'm gonna fire him, and then I'm gonna kill him.
No, no.
I'm gonna kill him, and then I won't have to fire him.
There you are.
- [Victoria] Daddy!
Don't hurt him!
- Daddy?
- You slept with my daughter.
- Hey, I didn't know she was your daughter.
- You didn't know.
- Tell him the news, Grant.
- What news?
- Victoria and I are getting married.
- What?
You can't marry this guy, I mean, you just met him!
- It was love at first sight.
- Look, this man has slept with everything west
of the Mississippi river.
- Yeah?
Well I've slept with everything east of the Mississippi.
We're gonna make (mumbles) right honey?
- I surrender.
- No no no, break it up, you guys.
I'm trying to run a family law practice here,
not a kissing booth.
- So Phil.
I guess this makes me your illegitimate son-in-law.
Huh, dad?
- You ...
- We cannot base the settlement on what Lutia's
projective income would have been.
A career in music is very similar to that
of a kamikaze pilot.
- Shame on you, Lutia!
- I was drunk, Mama.
- That's no excuse, you shouldn't have been drinking.
- So, Mrs. Wolf, now you know what sort of
a tramp your ...
- Nobody talks that way about my daughter.
See you at Thanksgiving, dear.
- Now.
Shall we get down to business?
- What we will see on this tape is the type of woman
Lutia Gowandawa was, when she was still Lutia Wolf.
A wild, hedonistic animal, running loose in the jungles
of popular music.
This tape, shot on the Rimahushu, super ultra low light
camcorder, which retails for $889.99,
will show the sort of wanton hussy Lutia was.
Before being tamed by the bonds of holy matrimony,
with my most respectable client, Fujuhito Gowandawa.
(humorous music)
What is this?
- Oh, I've been hoodwinked ...
- Your Honor, I rest the case for the respondent.
- Your Honor.
I have new evidence that I would like to show
the court.
Yesterday afternoon, I hired a private detective
to follow Mr. Gowandawa.
After picking up a woman at a local watering hole,
he took her to the Sugarwall Motel out
on old Buggery Road.
They entered room 769 and decided to forego
all the preliminaries of pre-coital protocol.
They came to do business, and do business they did.
And they did it in the spirit of the emerging
global economy.
Any trade imbalances existing between their two continents
were rectified little by little as their clothing
became more and more scarce.
Tongues intertwined at the bargaining table.
Gifts of goodwill were hand delivered and exchanged.
She opened her account's receivable department
to his over-ambitious staff.
East was meeting West in a confluence of cultures
that converged in that cut-rate motel room that evening.
It was no accidental gesture on his part,
when his probing fingers slipped beneath her Pacific Rim.
She imposed no tariff upon his vessels, seeking
to dock at her port, a truly duty free article
was she.
(dramatic, sensual music)
As you can see, that's when the detective's tape ran out.
- You son of a bitch.
You diddled my daughter!
- But she came on to me!
- Now I'm coming on to you, pal.
- You fiddled my fiance!
(judge beats gavel)
- I'm not your fiance anymore!
I never loved you, Grant.
I only slept with you to get back at my father.
Same with you, Fujihito.
- That's okay.
I'm happy to be of service.
- Oh, Victoria, I'm sorry I wasn't there for you
all those years.
Honey ...
- [Victoria] Oh, Daddy.
- I'll do anything I can to make it up to you!
Okay?
- Lutia.
I've had a change of heart.
If you want to be a rock and roll singer,
go for it.
- Oh, Fuji!
- I'm dropping the case against my husband, Rachel.
- Your Honor.
- Gowandawa versus Gowandawa, is hereby closed.
- Peterson-san, I have a gift for you.
Just to let you know there are no hard feelings.
- A Rimahushu three quarter inch vibrating rectaplug?
- I'm sure Mr. Peterson will be able to find a good place
for it.
- Right.
(upbeat rock music)
- [Philip] Well now, here's a nice, sensitive case
for you, Rachel.
It involves a palimony suite between a lesbian couple.
- I think I can handle it.
I have a younger sister who's gay, so I have some insight
into the lifestyle.
- Did you hear about the lesbian tennis pro
who couldn't play the championships, 'cause she'd
already licked all the competition?
- It's that sort of politically incorrect thinking
that causes a lot of the problems in the world today.
- Lighten up, Rach, it's just a harmless little joke.
Besides, all these people that are yelling
for political correctness these days
are nothing but a bunch of Nazis in liberal sheep's
clothing, anyway.
- Well, I think that your infantile little joke
shows a veiled insecurity about your own
sexual orientation, Grant.
- Bull!
- You're probably wearing women's underwear
right now.
- I'll show you mine, if you show me yours.
- Alright, alright, you two, break it up.
I'm trying to run a law firm here, you know.
We don't have time, wasting on you guys perusing
each others' personal taste in underwear.
- I couldn't believe it when I first came across
Jack's diary.
I went into his closet to get his dirty laundry,
and there it was, tucked between a couple of soiled
boxers.
22 notebooks describing in vivid detail all
the hoopies he's had on the road.
- Hoopies ...
What's a hoopy?
- Well, that's what pro basketball players call
the women they meet after the games.
- Ah.
Interesting.
So, I can't understand why Jack is trying
to file for adultery, against you, when he's
the one that's obviously doing the lion's share
of the off-court dribbling.
- Dribbling!
A monsoon's more like it!
All I had was one little afternoon fling
with the gas company meter man.
- So, where are your husband's diaries now?
- I think he's got them stowed in the locker
down at the bus depot.
- Well, see if you can get a hold of those diaries,
alright?
Because otherwise, we're not gonna have a middle leg
to stand on with Jack bringing in that meter man
testifying on his behalf.
- He'll be in Detroit tomorrow night, I'll see
if I can find them.
- Yeah, yeah.
Now meanwhile, I wonder if you can give me
a little more insight as to this little fling that
you had?
- I mean, in case they decide to spring anything
on us in court.
- Oh, I suppose you're right.
It was just one of those little things that happens,
you know?
It was a warm spring afternoon.
I'd just come home from a hard day of
shopping at the mall.
I laid the bags down on the bed and decided
to try on some of the new clothes I had bought.
The zip on the back of my dress got stuck,
and I struggled to get it loose.
The moment I was just about to give up
on the zipper, a strapping young man passed by
the window.
Yoo hoo!
I yelled, as he flexed his derriere and walked over
to the window where I was standing.
With his deep southern voice, he said,
can I help you, ma'am?
I told him about the zipper being stuck.
He kindly obliged, and wrestled to release it.
In the process, he tore off my dress,
like a candy wrapper on a long piece of salt water taffy.
(upbeat country music)
The warm, summer breeze gently blew up my alley,
making the peach fuzz on my legs stand on end.
He reached in through the window, with one hand,
he caressed the soft, tender skin of my thighs.
He reached and wrapped both his strong arms around me,
cupping my breast and kneaded them
like sourdough bread.
- Mr. Hobine, during the course of your daily duties,
do women ever proposition you?
- Well, every now and then it happens.
They don't come right out and say it
like that, usually, they invite me in for coffee,
cheesecake, more like that.
- Did Susan Hoffman ever tempt you with cheesecake
of coffee?
- No, but she does bake a mean hot peach pie!
- Please try to contain your innuendoes, and
let's just get down to the facts.
Now while going about your daily duties as
a meter reader, do you ever take a moment
to window shop, as it were?
- I don't know what you mean?
- Certainly, you must pass by many a bedroom window
on your way to the meter?
And certainly you must catch a glimpse of many
a lonely housewife in various stages of undress
and availability.
- Well, doesn't happen that often.
Maybe once in a blue moon.
- And when one of these blue moons occurs, Mr. Holbine,
and a hot steaming slice of peach pie served up
in your face, which course of action do you take
when such a circumstance arises?
- Well ...
If it's thrown in my face, I usually go for it.
I mean, who wouldn't?
- Yes.
Now, on March 26th, of this year, Jack Hoffman
was in New Orleans for a game between the Chippers
and the Paints.
Upon arriving home that evening, he walked
into the master bedroom, and found irrefutable
evidence of fornication right there on the bedroom
windowsill.
Evidence that proves beyond a shadow of a doubt
that fornication between his wife Suzy,
and the gas company meter reader, did occur.
Your Honor, I'd like to introduce this pubic hair
as evidence for the petitioner.
- Your Honor, I object.
A pubic hair is purely circumstantial evidence,
counselor.
- Forensic experts have proven that this pubic hair
belongs to the respondent, Susan Hoffman.
- Oh, will you give me a break here?
Your Honor, who's to say that Mrs. Hoffman
doesn't clean her house in the buff?
I mean, that hair could've fallen there when
she was dusting the window seat, or maybe
watering her flowerpot.
- (chuckles) Your Honor, I'd like to introduce this
as petitioner's evidence B.
Now, the key to this puzzle lies in the tiny,
minute textile fiber found intertwined in Susan's
pubic hair.
Forensic experts matched this to the uniforms
worn by gas company meter readers nationwide.
Therefore, by putting one and one together,
we get two.
Two, two buns a-banging while her husband
was out on the road.
(relaxed music)
- Two years ago, we bought a house together
in Echo Park.
We thought we'd always be together, then.
But I guess things just don't work out the way
you planned.
- Now, Leslie, I see here that you and Regina
have a joint bank account?
Have you come to an agreement as to how
the money should be split?
- No.
She wants it all.
See, she's been making all the money in the last
year and a half.
She's the one that told me to quit my waitressing job
so I can devote all my time to my painting.
- And has your painting paid off for you yet?
- Hardly.
I had an opening in a gallery last month.
Only one of my paintings sold.
I don't know.
I guess the subjects I like to paint, people
can't relate to.
- What sort of subjects do you paint?
- I love painting flowers.
I paint flowers, the way they look on the inside,
when you open them up and press your face real close.
- That sounds like an interesting perspective.
Getting back to the cause of your break up ...
You found Regina with another woman one night?
- Yes, and this may come quite as a surprise to you,
Miss Horn.
But the other woman was your sister.
- Brenda?
- She works in a broom factory, doesn't she?
- Last I heard, she did.
This does come as quite a surprise.
Well, go on.
Tell me what happened.
- Well, I started getting suspicious of Regina
fooling around when I found another woman's underwear
in our dirty laundry.
So I ask her about it.
She got real defensive.
She said she found them in the bushes on the way home
from the muffin bakery.
So I let the whole thing slide.
Then one night, I came home, and I heard moaning sounds
coming from the bedroom.
(dramatic, sensual music)
I snuck down the hall, and opened the door.
I stood there with my mouth agape.
I burst into the room.
Regina turned a deep shade of magenta.
But your sister made a light, salmon pink.
- Yes, I've been having a relationship with Regina
since the first time she came into the broom store
where I work.
She said her old broom was worn out, and she needed
a new one.
- So you helped her select one.
- Yes.
I asked her what size rooms needed sweeping,
and she said, big ones, with hard to reach corners.
Well, I showed her our elite model.
It has soft, pliant bristles, and its best feature,
a smooth, hand polished handle.
Well, as soon as she had it in her hands,
I knew I'd made a sale.
It fit perfectly in her long, slender fingers.
- After you sold Miss Aperture the broom, did you
merely give her the receipt, and she went home?
Remember Brenda, you're under oath.
- She didn't go home right away.
We started talking.
She told me she worked at the Miraculous Muffin,
which is a bakery just down the street.
She said I could come in anytime I wanted to,
and sample some of her oven-fresh pastries.
And there was a definite chemistry between
me and Regina.
I didn't need to go all the way down to the muffin
to have my sweet tooth satisfied.
I walked over tot he door, put up the, Sorry, we're out
to lunch, sign, and we got down to business.
- I think we get the picture, Brenda.
Thank you.
(soft music)
- This is a fascinating case, Rachel.
The state doesn't recognize same-sex marriage, so,
they don't really consider it adultery.
- Breach of implied contract, then.
- No, no no, because nowhere is it even implied
that the joint ownership of partnership
is based on monogamy.
- But there was an implied contract, when Regina
asked Leslie to quit her job to pursue her painting.
It's an implied contract of spousal support,
therefore, Leslie is entitled to a share of the proceeds
to the house.
- That makes sense, but will it hold up in court?
Tell me something, Rachel, do you feel there's
any conflict of interest?
You handling this case, since your sister's involved?
- None, whatsoever!
As far as I'm concerned, it's a simple property settlement
case between Regina and Leslie.
- Well, sounds good to me.
I just want to avoid any malpractice suits.
- Speaking of suits.
How's that vouch with the basketball pro coming?
- Well, I'd say right about now, the score is 68 to 69
at the half.
- And who's winning?
- They are.
By a hair.
(sensual moaning)
- Oh, my God!
Rachel!
- And Grant!
That does it, I'm telling Philip.
- Oh, come on Rach, can't you let it slide?
- Oh, and you.
Brenda, I thought you were supposed to be gay.
- Oh, well I guess when it comes right down to it,
I'm bi.
- And I guess if it comes right down to it,
I'm a triathlete.
I'll try anything.
- Get out of my office!
Get out!
Oh, my papers are all wet!
That does it Brenda, I'm telling mom!
- Miss Gorge, did you contribute financially
to the monthly mortgage payments on the house
shared by you and Regina Aperture?
- No.
But I did the dishes, the laundry.
And I took out the garbage too.
- So you were, in effect, the household maid.
- Objection, your Honor.
Counselor is trying to denigrate my client's position
in the household.
- Sustained.
- You sat around fiddling with your finger paints
all day, while Regina was out slaving over
a hot muffin oven.
We were a team.
A partnership.
We had sex on a daily basis and she promised
to support me until my paintings took off.
- So, you were in effect, a concubine.
- Your Honor.
I request that be stricken from the record.
- Your Honor.
I intend to prove that the relationship between my client
and Miss Gorge was nothing more than an extended
liaison between two people who picked each other
up in a bar.
And when Regina Aperture took on another lover,
Leslie Gorge filed this pitiful lawsuit in an attempt
to usurp my client's hard-earned property.
I have no more questions.
- [Judge] You may step down.
- Your Honor, I would like to recall Miss Brenda Horn
to the stand.
(dramatic music)
- May I remind you, Miss Horn, that you are still
under oath?
- Oh, I'm quite aware of that, thank you.
- Miss Horn, during your brief fling
with Regina Aperture, did she ever mention
her relationship with Leslie Gorge?
- Yeah, a little bit.
She called her a wanton little slut that
could never be sexually satisfied.
- And when did she say that?
Recently?
- No, not really.
It was the morning after Leslie caught us
in bed together.
- Are you telling me that Regina called Leslie a slut,
after Leslie was the one that came home and found
her girlfriend in bed with another woman?
Isn't that like the proverbial pot calling the kettle black?
- Pink would be a more appropriate color to describe it.
- I'm not sure exactly what you mean, Miss Horn.
- Pink was the color Leslie smeared all over my body
that night.
Hot pink, to be exact.
- [Rachel] I don't follow you.
- Oh, she didn't tell you what happened
after she came home and found us in the sack together?
- Your Honor, I wish to ask for a recess to consult
with my client.
- I object, your Honor.
Counselor is stalling to avoid opening this
pink can of worms.
- Objection sustained.
Please proceed with the cross-examination, Miss Horn.
We've entered into a gray area here that I believe
needs to be explored.
- I have no more questions, your Honor.
- Does counsel for the respondent wish to redress
the petitioner's cross-examination?
- Oh, yes, your Honor.
I most certainly do.
- Thank you.
Well, Mr. Hoffman, you know, I've been a
fan of the L.A. Chippers for a good many years,
and of course, being a basketball aficionado,
I have to say, I'm shocked to hear these stories
of rampant promiscuity among basketball players.
You know, when they're on the road.
- Maybe back in the old days, but after the AIDS thing,
guys go back to their rooms now and have milk and cookies.
- Do they.
Of course, you could always wear a condom, couldn't you,
and continue your old lifestyle with reduced risk?
I mean, after all, isn't it a fact, Jack,
that you bring a vast quantity of condoms with you
every time you go on the road?
- Yeah, but that's because I have a product endorsement.
The Blow John prophylactic company pays me
a quarter of a million dollars a year to endorse
their product.
Part of my contract says I have to carry around
a bunch of their rubbers with me wherever I go.
- Haven't you ever found an occasion to actually
use those rubbers yourself?
I mean, you know, maybe taking them on a little test drive
when you're on the road?
- Oh, no.
Why would I waste my time chasing after loose women?
I got me a good woman back home, and besides.
I like eating milk and cookies too much.
- Ah.
Bailiff?
Thank you.
Well, Mr. Hoffman, you recognize these?
- How'd you get ahold of them?
- Well, your Honor, at great expense, we have brought in
an accounting firm to actually sift through these
diaries of Mr. Hoffman's, and they've tabulated
to see how many times he's actually had sex with women.
From the time he was playing basketball in college
right up until the present.
And the tabulating firm of Boffling House
has come up with a number here that, well ...
I think that old Wilt the Stilt himself
would be impressed with.
17,249 times.
No wonder he's so thin.
- I met Regina at the Miraculous Muffin after work.
She gave me a glazed, jelly donut, and she
had a fresh cranberry tart.
Afterwards, we went over to her place.
She told me that her roommate was at a gallery opening.
- Yeah, tell her all the dirt, Brenda.
Tell her.
- After Brenda's testimony, Leslie moved for a recess.
She, Regina, and Brenda met out in the hallway.
They decided to try to bury the hatchet
and live together as a threesome.
- Ah.
I'm a sucker for happy endings.
Rach.
What's the matter with him?
- Brain damage from sniffing the paint.
(Philip whistles)
Damn.
(laid back saxophone music)
- Now, here's a complex divorce case, which may take
extensive litigation.
Listen to this.
"Seems that Mr. Robbins, for a number of years,
"has been bringing men home so that they can
"have sex with his wife, Clarice, and he'd videotape them.
"until recently, when Clarice found out that
"he's actually been marketing these tapes
"in South America."
- How awful!
She must feel so betrayed.
- Yeah, it's a damn shame.
You wouldn't by chance have any of these video tapes
we could view, would you?
- Alright, now, I'm working on a cease and desist order
to keep them from actually broadcasting these tapes
on Argentinian TV, but until then, I'm afraid
that Clarice Robbins is going to continue to be
an inadvertent porn star south of the equator.
- Hmm, maybe I should maybe point my satellite dish
in a more southerly direction?
- Oh, I can't believe you, Grant!
- [Grant] What?
- Pig.
- Now listen.
I'm gonna go ahead and handle this case,
and meanwhile, I want both of you to see if you
can dig up some pro-bono cases to work on, alright?
Now look, charity cases are not only good
for the image of the firm, they're also gonna be,
in your case, emotionally rewarding, Grant.
- Pro bono divorce work.
What the hell are we supposed to do?
Go down to the welfare office and solicit
arguing couples?
- No, check with Legal Aid.
With the economy the way it is today, I'm sure
you'll find plenty of people to choose from.
(relaxed music)
(police siren and car horns in the distance)
(relaxed music)
- For years, I begged Rob to take me on
one of his South American business trips,
and finally, last week, he relented, and took me
along.
On the flight down, I couldn't help but notice,
some of the men on the plane were staring at me
for the longest time.
I took out my mirror to see if my lipstick was smeared
or something, but everything was fine.
Well, after we landed in Buenos Aires, a couple people
came up to me and asked me for my autograph.
Rob told me that the Argentinians just love
American tourists, and it was a custom in their country
to get visitors to sign their names.
I asked him why they didn't want his autograph,
or any of the other Americans around, for that matter.
Rob said they only like women with big breasts,
because, you know, they're superstitious
and they think it'll bring them good luck.
- And you had no idea that all this time,
you've been the number one porn star
in the entire South American continent?
- Absolutely no idea at all.
- Now, when your husband started making these movies
of you with other men, did he get your full consent?
- Well, sure, but he promised me nobody else would
see them!
The liar.
- Well, now Mrs. Robbins, I appreciate the fact
that no amount of money is going to make up
for the damage your husband did to you, but,
the fact that he never got a signed release from you,
leaves him wide open for civil damages himself.
Now, how many of these movies do you suppose
you actually made for him, over the years?
- Oh, gee, I don't know, there must have bene hundreds.
- (whistles) Hundreds.
And you never realized that he was making his living
off of these tapes all this time?
- No!
He told me he was importing precious gems
from Brazil.
- Alright, now.
In order for us to lay the groundwork for intent,
I need you to go back and tell me in detail
about the first movie that you ever made
for your husband.
Can you?
- Oh, gee, let's see.
Gosh, it's been almost five years now.
Well, we made so many of them.
Let's see, the first time ...
Oh, yeah, that was with Alberto, the gunslinger,
and boy, was he slung like a horse, whoo!
(laughs)
Yeah, that was the first time Rob had me dress up
like a frontier floozy (chuckles).
See, when Rob suggested we do something
to beef up our sex life, I thought he meant
maybe a dildo or something, but then he told me
what he wanted to do was video tape me making it
with another man.
I really didn't think he'd go through with it,
but then, one day, he brought home this guy
named Alberto.
He was a real good looking guy.
With a great body to boot!
I thought for sure Rob would bring home some
geeky looking pencil prick, just to make himself
seem that much better by comparison.
But I was wrong about Rob.
And definitely underestimated what lengths he would go
for production value.
Rob had this whole, wild west scenario in mind.
He even wrote a little script, although
there wasn't any dialogue.
He said, who needs dialogue, if you've got tits
and ass in the picture?
Of course, it was my tits and ass he was talking about.
So, once Alberto and I were properly introduced,
Rob turned on the camcorder and yelled, action.
From what I had read in the loosely worded script,
there was gonna be a lot of action, alright.
The script called for us to pretend we were in a saloon.
Alberto was supposed to be a gunslinger who just
rode into town, I played the town floozy,
the saloon girl.
You know the type, two bits a bang, and a thorough
ball-lapping for a dollar and a quarter.
Well, having been bought and paid for, Alberto,
the well-hung gunslinger, scourge of the west,
started having his wayward way with me,
the wanton saloon ...
(upbeat country music)
- Mr. Lamagien, you were the former vice president
of the first Miami Fiduciary Bank, weren't you?
- Yes, I was.
- [Philip] How come you're no long employed there?
- I was convicted of money laundering, but
my case is currently under appeal.
- Oh really?
Well, now, during your short tenure at the bank,
did you happen to do any business with the Pan-Amerigem
company, owned by Mr. Robbins?
- Yes, on many occasions.
- Tell me, approximately how much money do you suppose
Mr. Robbins deposited in your bank while you were there?
- Somewhere in the ball park of 69.9 million dollars.
- Oh, that's a pretty huge sum of money, isn't it?
I mean, for a one-man company that's only been around
for a couple of years.
- Robert Robbins is a very successful entrepreneur.
That's what made this country great in the first place.
Men of vision and daring, men who weren't afraid
to plow deep into the jungle to make a buck.
Men like Rob Robbins.
(knock on the door)
- Rach.
I got the perfect pro bono case.
A homeless couple, been living under a freeway
for eight years.
It's long enough for a common law marriage,
now they want a divorce.
- They have any children?
- Nope.
- Well, if they're homeless, they must not
have any communal property.
- That's where you're wrong!
They have a shopping cart full of stuff they've
been accumulating for years!
- The stuff can't be worth much, Grant.
Don't you think it would be easier if they just
went their separate ways?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
You're the one that's supposed to have a social conscience,
here.
I mean, this may not mean anything to me or you,
but what about them?
There might be something in that stuff of sentimental value.
- What do you propose, Grant?
- You represent Grenadine, the common law wife,
and I'll represent Vito the husband.
If Philip wants us to do some pro bono work,
this is pro bono to the core.
(relaxed music)
- She wants the rubber chicken, but I'm telling you,
that rubber chicken is mine.
I'm the one who dug it out of the dumpster.
(soft music)
- Vito, he don't wanna give me the sleeping bag.
Says it's his, 'cause he don't like sleeping
on cement.
Where the hell am I supposed to sleep?
Besides, I'm the one who patched it up
with a roll of tape I found by the side of the road.
- I got this plastic paint bucket that we found
in a back alley.
I would use it to put all the food in that
we dig out of the garbage.
Well, hell, it was my idea to use it for food!
Gren wants to use the damn thing for a piss pot.
- It's different for a woman on the street than it is
for a man.
A man can just whip it out and whiz almost anywhere.
But us girls, we gotta squat!
- Grenadine don't understand how hard it is
to find a decent scrap of food these days!
I mean, as tough as things are!
- I gave Vito the worst years of my life,
that oughta count for something.
- Hell, everything I own is in that shopping cart.
- I ain't giving up none of it.
- None of it!
- Vito.
During the past year, did you ever have
any sexual relations with any women besides Grenadine?
- Well, certainly not!
Takes money to get a woman in this town.
- Do you know if Grenadine has been faithful to you
during the past year?
- Who you kidding?
Her nickname on the street is Back Alley Sally.
- Well, we could get a real leg up in the negotiations
if we could prove common law infidelity.
When was the last time she cheated on you?
- Last time, well I ...
Probably at least a couple months ago.
I mean, you know, on the streets, though, you lose track
of time.
The days, they go on and on, one into the other.
Kinda like the little squares on a long roll
of toilet paper.
Well, I remember I was down at skid row,
wading through the trash, digging up a little
midnight snack for me and Gren.
And I figured the little lady was waiting
for me back at home, under the freeway, you know
what I mean?
But I was wrong.
She was out there whoring around again.
Well, I came across her and Winslow by some trash heap
that somebody dumped by the railroad.
So, I hid behind the corner to see what
they was gonna do.
(sultry saxophone music)
Now, I figured something fishy was going on,
and I noticed, she got hollandaise sauce or something
all over her mouth.
Well, you know, you dig in the garbage and
the food yu come up with, it's either stale or it's rotten,
it's full of worms, but you know, I figured she
found something fresh the way she was licking
her lips.
But then I'll tell you, something started happening
that told me there was something else going on.
You know, she started climbing out of those rags
she calls clothes, until all she had left one
was this little scrap of lingerie, you know,
she found somewhere in a laundromat.
Freaking thing is full of holes.
Hell, she even said she liked it,
said it was like having air conditioning build right in.
The air conditioning?
Right.
I'll tell you something, you could put that broad's
buns in a damn freezer, wouldn't cool them down.
I mean, come on, it's like she was born with
a friggin' pilot light left on in her hooch, you know?
It doesn't take much to spark those little panties
on fire either, you know what I mean?
Hell, I don't even know why the bitch even bothers
wearing undies at all.
Holes or no holes.
Never keeps them on.
(sensual jazz music)
- What is the meaning of this, Grant?
- What?
- This lawsuit?
Crenshaw versus Crenshaw?
Notice of petition for dissolution of common law marriage,
grounds of adultery?
- Should know what it is, you're a lawyer, aren't you?
- You are scum, Grant.
There is no reason this could not be settled
in a simple, out of court negotiated settlement.
- Look, I just wanna see that justice is served, here.
- Look, just because your ex-wife got the house, the kids,
and the car, does not give you the right to use
these poor people to work out your pent up hostility
towards women!
- Since when did you become the staff psychologist
around here?
- You know, it's slime like you that give lawyers
a bad name.
(soft music)
- Now Clarice, when you were with your husband
in Buenos Aires, he told you specifically never to leave
the hotel room, right?
- Yes, he told me that the Argentinians were
very dangerous, especially towards strangers.
Well, after seeing yourself having sex on Argentinian
TV, what happened?
- I slapped Rob across the face, really hard.
And then I put on my coat and ran out of the room.
- Would you mind telling the court, please,
what happened to you?
After you left that room?
- Well, I took the elevator down to the lobby,
and there were some men there, and they all
rushed up to me and asked me for my autograph.
And ...
I ran out of the hotel into the streets.
It was after midnight, and everything was closed,
except for the bars.
Every car that passed me on the street honked,
and the people yelled things to me in Spanish
that I couldn't understand, but I could tell
it was dirty.
And so, I then ran into the bar, just to get
off the streets.
And it was like I was a rockstar, or something.
There were people mobbing me and asking me for
my autograph.
And ...
Then I felt men's hands under my coat.
I was naked underneath, and they were grabbing me
and feeling me.
I then realized why it was that Rob didn't want me
to leave the hotel room.
Wasn't because I was a stranger in a strange land,
it was because I was a stranger in a land
where everybody and their brother knew exactly
every inch of who I was.
- Your Honor.
Because my client was cuckolded during his common law
marriage, I ask that he be given preferential treatment
in the dividing of their communal possessions.
- Your Honor.
The fact that my client was not aware she was
a common law wife precludes any intent on her part
to willfully and wantonly commit adultery.
Therefore, counsel for the petitioner's request
to have first dibs on the contents of this cart,
not only lacks legal merit, but shows an ungentlemanly
regard for the age-old propriety of letting
ladies go first.
- Why is this case in my court and not out
in the parking lot where it belongs?
- Clarice and I made the tapes purely for recreational
purposes.
They were therapeutic, in the sense that they helped
jump-start our then dormant sex life.
At the time, I was having a problem
with recurrent impotence.
Watching my wife having sex with other men
somehow helped get me back in the saddle again,
so to speak.
I often took the tapes with me on my business trips
to South America.
For my own personal use only.
They helped me get through many long, lonely nights
in foreign hotel rooms.
- Really.
Well, I'm a little confused here, Mr. Robbins,
if you didn't hand off these tapes, to the distributors,
how do you suppose they showed up suddenly
on South America TV?
- Well, the only thing I can think of is that
somebody must've been stealing them from my suitcase.
One of the baggage handlers at the airport,
or a bellhop, or perhaps one of the hotel maids.
- Alright, right.
And Mr. Robbins, will you please, to your best recollection,
describe the events leading up to your wife
discovering that she'd become a South American porn star?
- Well, I came back to the hotel room, tired from
a hard day of beating down bushes looking
for a few good emeralds.
I was glad Clarice was waiting there for me in the flesh.
Ordinarily on my trips out of town, I could only watch
on the VCR.
Her body was so much more fulfilling in person.
To feel the touch of her soft skin on the tips
of my fingers gave me goosebumps the size of the Andes.
I headed southwards, through the treacherous
bush lands of Bolivia, till I came upon
her under-clothed Uruguay.
There, I found the lost city of El-Dorado,
nestled in a warm, dark ravine on the banks
of the Amazon.
(exotic tribal music)
- [Vito] It's mine!
- [Grenadine] No, it's mine!
- This is mine! - Mine!
(both arguing)
- There will be order.
You are out of order.
- Yes, your honor, I have
turned up evidence of money laundering,
by Mr. Robert Robbins, with a dummy corporation
set up with an account at the first Miami Fiduciary bank.
- Okay, you caught me with my pants down.
I was at a party with Clarice.
I was broke at the time.
The bank was about to foreclose on the house.
There was a man there from Argentina, who said that
a woman like Clarice could make a fortune
in porno.
I had no choice Clarice, I had to do it!
If I didn't, we would've both wound up sleeping
in the streets.
- The broken electric toaster oven goes to Vito.
And the plastic paint bucket is awarded to Grenadine.
And last, but not least, the rubber chicken.
- That's mine!
- Bailiff.
Thank you.
There we go.
Split down the middle.
The case of Crenshaw versus Madson is now closed,
and this court is adjourned.
- It is the finding of this court, that Clarice Robbins
was systematically abused for economic gain
by her husband, Robert.
Noting the entire empire he built corner-stoned
on the uncompensated labors of his wife.
I hereby award Clarice the ownership
of Pan-Amerigem, and all the assets thereof.
- Wait a minute, 80 million bucks, and you're giving it
all to her?
- You're out of order, Mr. Robbins.
I also award to the petitioner's wife, the title
to their houses in Bel Air, Aspen, and Hawaii.
- That doesn't even leave me a pot to piss in.
- Where you're going, Mr. Robbins, a receptacle
for that basic necessity will be provided by the state.
Bailiff, arrest Robert Robbins for pandering,
racketeering, and money-laundering.
Enjoy your money, Mrs. Robbins.
You've earned it.
(laughs)
- Alright, alright, alright, enjoy yourselves.
I promised my nephew I'd take him to Cub Scouts, alright?
Are either of you doing anything on your pro bono cases?
(both snickering)
- As a matter of fact, I managed to get Vito a job
as a gardener for one of my wealthy clients.
He's already moved off the streets and
into servants' quarters.
- Good.
Now, what about the girl?
- I'm trying to get her a job as a live-in maid.
- Don't bother, Rach.
I already found Grenadine a job.
A job that pays over $1,000 a day.
- Doing what?
(relaxed music)
- Makeup, could I have a little more powder
on my butt cheeks?
Naked, in her room, when a dashing young fireman
came bursting through the window, waving
his wayward hose.
- He's gonna show the video tape to my parents.
- Lutia Wolf?
Oh, my grandson listens to your record all the time.
- I'm shocked to hear these stories of rabid
promiscuity among basketball players, you know,
when they're on the road.
- Why would I waste my time chasing after loose women?
- It must've been hot.
- Actually, it got real wild.
- Pink would be a more appropriate color to describe it.
- What is he, your uncle, or something?
- Yeah, that's it.
- She called her a wanton little slut, that could never
be sexually satisfied.
- If he so much as lays one finger on her,
so help me, I will kill him, I mean, killing him!
- Oh, I take it from your tone that Grant's
in the doghouse for something?
- Big time.
There you are.
- Ugh, I've been hoodwinked.
- Brenda!
- Oh my god, Rachel!
(laid back music)
- Lulu, do you remember an all-girl heavy metal
rock group called Lutia Wolf and the She Hits?
- Yeah, whatever happened to them?
- Well, Lutia married a rich Japanese businessman,
and the group broke up.
- Well, if this is her, she can hum in my mic
any day.
- Yes, I'm sure you'd like that, Grant.
That's why I'm giving this case to Rachel.
- Oh, shoot, she always gets the hot ones.
- Lutia Wolf's husband is Fujihito Gowandawa.
Doesn't he own Ramahoshu Electronics?
The developers of the three quarter
inch vibrating rectaplug?
- Rach, didn't know you were so up on these things.
- I like to keep a well-rounded body of knowledge,
especially concerning recent technological breakthroughs.
- Mr. Grimes, I forgot to tell you, there's
a Victoria Washington waiting in your office to see you.
- Washington.
Washington.
I don't know any Victoria Washington.
- Oh, that's funny.
She sure seemed to know you.
(slow music)
- Miss Washington?
- Yeah.
You can call me Victoria.
- Okay.
- Are you the same Philip Grimes who used
to work with the Farmington Fire Department?
- Someone's been doing their homework, yeah,
about 20 years ago, I was a sophomore in college
at ...
Washington.
Are you any relation to Maggie Washington,
the woman from the Saint Francis hotel fire?
- I'd like to thank you for saving my mother's life.
- Oh ...
- If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be here.
- Well, no, I actually was just doing my job, you know ...
- Oh, no, Philip.
What you did was way above and beyond the call of duty.
- Well, it was a hell of a fire, now that
I think back on it.
As a matter of fact, I wanna say your mother
was doing her laundry at the time, and the fire
actually broke out in the clothes dryer, and
the funniest thing, electrical shock evidently ignited
your mother's lingerie.
- That wasn't all that was ignited, was it Phil?
Poor Maggie was there, naked in her room,
all of her clothes in the burning clothes dryer
down the hall.
When a dashing young fire man came bursting
through the window, waving his wayward hose.
- You know, you're making this thing sound
like a cheap romance novel.
- Oh, but it must've been romantic.
Not to mention cheap.
Two lonely people, all alone in that towering inferno.
It must've been hot.
- It was a tad bit toasty, yes, but actually,
you see, you're supposed to do that, Victoria,
I mean, you're supposed to get down on the floor,
so you don't die of smoke inhalation,
and of course, your mother was experiencing
some heavy breathing, so I gave her mouth to mouth
resuscitation, and well, one thing sort of
led to another, you know.
- My mother told me everything that happened
last month on my birthday.
Everything.
- Last month?
Tell me, Victoria, how old are you?
- 19.
That's right.
Hi dad.
(upbeat music)
- When She Hits were touring back in '89,
we had some pretty wild times on the road.
Fujihito has a video tape of the night we met.
It's of me, and him, and three other guys
on a table.
He's threatening to use it in open court
if I go through with the divorce.
- The video was made before you and Fujihito were
married.
- Yeah, a few weeks before.
- Well, then it's inadmissible as evidence of adultery.
Were you faithful to Fujihito during your marriage?
- Yeah, I was.
It's nothing to do with Fujihito.
It's just the She Hits are doing a new album
and they want me to sing on it.
Fujihito doesn't want me to.
He says if I go back with the She Hits,
he's gonna show the video tape to my parents.
My mother would just die if she saw it.
- So he's blackmailing you?
- Yeah, and I don't know what to do.
My parents are very religious people.
- Lutia, why don't you tell me exactly
what's on this tape, so that we know what
we're dealing with here.
- We were on tour in Japan.
We had a number on album over there.
After the concert, the promoter threw a party,
for all the crew.
Got pretty wild.
Actually, it got real wild.
As the night wore on, I got pretty wasted
on sake.
I was drinking it out of those little ceramic cups
like they were shot glasses.
I got so drunk, that when the other girls in the band
asked me if I wanted to ride back with them
to the hotel, I told them I'd catch a ride back
with somebody else.
When I get drunk, I love to dance.
They had this bitching stereo system at this party.
It must've been about four in the morning by then.
The only people left at the party were me, Fujihito,
and a few of his international business associates.
I was getting real hot from dancing, so I took off
my leather jacket and threw it down on the couch.
The guys started cheering and whistling.
Something inside me just kicked into gear.
I started performing for them like I was onstage
or something.
Never done a strip tease before, but I just faked it
like I knew what I was doing.
The more I took off, the more they whistled and cheered.
(slow rock music)
Soon I find myself dancing on top of a table.
With only my bra and underwear coming between me,
and the outside world.
I noticed a little red blinking light up in
the corner of the room.
I knew it was a camcorder.
I knew it was recording everything.
I didn't care.
I was totally in the now, the moment.
(rock music)
I took off my bra and slung it at the guys.
They grabbed for it like it was a bridal bouquet
or something.
(rock music)
Then I laid down on top of the table, and became
their after-dinner dessert.
They started rubbing their hands all over me.
But they weren't like American guys, who were
grabby and greedy.
(rock music)
- Hello.
Where's Philip?
- He's in court.
Said he'd be back in a couple hours.
- You know, I don't think we've had the pleasure
of being introduced.
Grant Peterson.
- Hi Grant.
Victoria Washington.
- Are you one of Philip's clients?
- No.
- Girlfriend?
- No way.
We're related.
- Oh, what is he, your uncle, or something?
- Yeah, that's it.
He's my uncle.
A distant uncle.
- Well, now that you mention it, you do bear
a striking resemblance.
- I'm starved, is there anywhere to get lunch
around here?
- Yeah, lots of places.
Can I take you out to lunch?
- Yeah.
We don't have much sushi in the midwest.
- [Grant] No?
It's all over the place out here.
So, Victoria.
What do people in the midwest do for fun?
- [Victoria] Fun?
All kinds of stuff.
- [Grant] Like what?
- [Victoria] Well, let's see.
We go bowling.
Play mini golf, checkers, shuffle board,
and on cold winter nights, we play Yahtzee
and Canasta.
- [Grant] Not exactly my idea of a good time.
- [Lulu] Yes, Mr. Grimes?
- Yeah, Lulu, have you seen Victoria?
- [Lulu] She left about a couple of hours ago
with Mr. Peterson.
- With Grant?
Where'd they go?
- [Lulu] Lunch.
- Well, they're taking kind of a long lunch break,
don't you think?
- [Lulu] Well, you know how Mr. Peterson is.
- Yes, I do.
Thanks, Lulu.
That dog.
If he so much as lays one finger on her, so help me, I will
kill him, I mean, I will kill him!
- [Victoria] Oh.
There's on other thing I forgot we do a lot of
in the Midwest.
- [Grant] What's that?
- [Victoria] We like to fuck.
- [Grant] (coughs)
- [Victoria] You dropped your chopsticks.
- [Grant] I know.
Sorry.
Listen, Victoria, we really should be getting back
to the office, what's your distant uncle
gonna think?
- [Victoria] Who cares what he thinks?
I got a better idea.
Why don't we go to a hotel?
Careful, don't drop your miso soup.
- [Grant] Check, please!
(upbeat circus music)
- Well, Mrs. Bivers, I think there's a good chance
the judge will rule in our favor, particularly
when you consider that your husband failed
to use denture adhesive in the bedroom.
- Oh, yes.
- Oh, excuse me, Philip, can I use this conference room
this afternoon, for a Discovery meeting?
- Sure, we're finished up now, help yourself.
- Oh, yes.
- Do you know if Grant has anything scheduled?
- No, Grant has an appointment with destiny after
he gets back from lunch.
- Oh, I take it from your tone that Grant's
in the dog house for something.
- Big time.
Oh, by the way Rachel, this is Mrs. Bivers,
our client, this is my colleague, Rachel Horn.
- Mrs. Bivers. - How do you do?
- This is Lutia Wolf.
- Lutia Wolf!
Oh, my grandson listens to your records all the time.
Could you autograph something for him?
- I'd be glad to.
- Oh, here, my divorce papers.
That oughta do.
- Okay.
- Just make it out to Ronnie.
- To Ronnie.
- Oh, the little bugger's gonna be so damn excited
that I met you.
- Here you are Mrs. Bivers, and please give my love
to Ronnie.
- Oh, well, thank you dear.
If only all rockstars could be this polite.
- Lutia, I just had a wonderful idea.
Philip, can I borrow Mrs. Bivers for a little while?
- I don't mind, if Mrs. Bivers doesn't mind.
- Oh! (laughs)
- Nice try, though. - Nice try.
- Our figures show, that if Lutia had continued
her career with the She Hits, she would've made
2.5 ...
- Pardon me.
- Mother, what are you doing here?
- I heard you were having family problems.
I wanted to see if I could be of help.
- Mother, there's some things you just can't
help me with.
I have to got through them on my own.
- So, this is you mother, Lutia.
What a pleasure to finally meet you, Mrs. Wolf.
I'm sorry you couldn't make it to our wedding.
- Yeah, oh, well, I had things to do, like
cleaning your father's dentures.
- Dad does like corn on the cob.
- Mrs. Wolf.
I have a videotape I would like you to ...
- No, you wouldn't!
- It will show you with crystal clarity
what sort of activities your daughter was engaged in,
before I made an honest woman out of her,
and took her out of rock and roll.
Well, I'll be glad to take a look at it.
- There's a VCR in Grant's office right next door.
- Oh!
- It was shot on a Rimahushu super ultra
low light camcorder,
one that my company makes, you'll find its resolution
impeccable.
Especially its ability to capture the minutest
of details, in very low light.
- Oh, we'll see!
Toodle-oo!
(dramatically building music)
- Ooh, that Grant.
I'm gonna fire him, and then I'm gonna kill him.
No, no.
I'm gonna kill him, and then I won't have to fire him.
There you are.
- [Victoria] Daddy!
Don't hurt him!
- Daddy?
- You slept with my daughter.
- Hey, I didn't know she was your daughter.
- You didn't know.
- Tell him the news, Grant.
- What news?
- Victoria and I are getting married.
- What?
You can't marry this guy, I mean, you just met him!
- It was love at first sight.
- Look, this man has slept with everything west
of the Mississippi river.
- Yeah?
Well I've slept with everything east of the Mississippi.
We're gonna make (mumbles) right honey?
- I surrender.
- No no no, break it up, you guys.
I'm trying to run a family law practice here,
not a kissing booth.
- So Phil.
I guess this makes me your illegitimate son-in-law.
Huh, dad?
- You ...
- We cannot base the settlement on what Lutia's
projective income would have been.
A career in music is very similar to that
of a kamikaze pilot.
- Shame on you, Lutia!
- I was drunk, Mama.
- That's no excuse, you shouldn't have been drinking.
- So, Mrs. Wolf, now you know what sort of
a tramp your ...
- Nobody talks that way about my daughter.
See you at Thanksgiving, dear.
- Now.
Shall we get down to business?
- What we will see on this tape is the type of woman
Lutia Gowandawa was, when she was still Lutia Wolf.
A wild, hedonistic animal, running loose in the jungles
of popular music.
This tape, shot on the Rimahushu, super ultra low light
camcorder, which retails for $889.99,
will show the sort of wanton hussy Lutia was.
Before being tamed by the bonds of holy matrimony,
with my most respectable client, Fujuhito Gowandawa.
(humorous music)
What is this?
- Oh, I've been hoodwinked ...
- Your Honor, I rest the case for the respondent.
- Your Honor.
I have new evidence that I would like to show
the court.
Yesterday afternoon, I hired a private detective
to follow Mr. Gowandawa.
After picking up a woman at a local watering hole,
he took her to the Sugarwall Motel out
on old Buggery Road.
They entered room 769 and decided to forego
all the preliminaries of pre-coital protocol.
They came to do business, and do business they did.
And they did it in the spirit of the emerging
global economy.
Any trade imbalances existing between their two continents
were rectified little by little as their clothing
became more and more scarce.
Tongues intertwined at the bargaining table.
Gifts of goodwill were hand delivered and exchanged.
She opened her account's receivable department
to his over-ambitious staff.
East was meeting West in a confluence of cultures
that converged in that cut-rate motel room that evening.
It was no accidental gesture on his part,
when his probing fingers slipped beneath her Pacific Rim.
She imposed no tariff upon his vessels, seeking
to dock at her port, a truly duty free article
was she.
(dramatic, sensual music)
As you can see, that's when the detective's tape ran out.
- You son of a bitch.
You diddled my daughter!
- But she came on to me!
- Now I'm coming on to you, pal.
- You fiddled my fiance!
(judge beats gavel)
- I'm not your fiance anymore!
I never loved you, Grant.
I only slept with you to get back at my father.
Same with you, Fujihito.
- That's okay.
I'm happy to be of service.
- Oh, Victoria, I'm sorry I wasn't there for you
all those years.
Honey ...
- [Victoria] Oh, Daddy.
- I'll do anything I can to make it up to you!
Okay?
- Lutia.
I've had a change of heart.
If you want to be a rock and roll singer,
go for it.
- Oh, Fuji!
- I'm dropping the case against my husband, Rachel.
- Your Honor.
- Gowandawa versus Gowandawa, is hereby closed.
- Peterson-san, I have a gift for you.
Just to let you know there are no hard feelings.
- A Rimahushu three quarter inch vibrating rectaplug?
- I'm sure Mr. Peterson will be able to find a good place
for it.
- Right.
(upbeat rock music)
- [Philip] Well now, here's a nice, sensitive case
for you, Rachel.
It involves a palimony suite between a lesbian couple.
- I think I can handle it.
I have a younger sister who's gay, so I have some insight
into the lifestyle.
- Did you hear about the lesbian tennis pro
who couldn't play the championships, 'cause she'd
already licked all the competition?
- It's that sort of politically incorrect thinking
that causes a lot of the problems in the world today.
- Lighten up, Rach, it's just a harmless little joke.
Besides, all these people that are yelling
for political correctness these days
are nothing but a bunch of Nazis in liberal sheep's
clothing, anyway.
- Well, I think that your infantile little joke
shows a veiled insecurity about your own
sexual orientation, Grant.
- Bull!
- You're probably wearing women's underwear
right now.
- I'll show you mine, if you show me yours.
- Alright, alright, you two, break it up.
I'm trying to run a law firm here, you know.
We don't have time, wasting on you guys perusing
each others' personal taste in underwear.
- I couldn't believe it when I first came across
Jack's diary.
I went into his closet to get his dirty laundry,
and there it was, tucked between a couple of soiled
boxers.
22 notebooks describing in vivid detail all
the hoopies he's had on the road.
- Hoopies ...
What's a hoopy?
- Well, that's what pro basketball players call
the women they meet after the games.
- Ah.
Interesting.
So, I can't understand why Jack is trying
to file for adultery, against you, when he's
the one that's obviously doing the lion's share
of the off-court dribbling.
- Dribbling!
A monsoon's more like it!
All I had was one little afternoon fling
with the gas company meter man.
- So, where are your husband's diaries now?
- I think he's got them stowed in the locker
down at the bus depot.
- Well, see if you can get a hold of those diaries,
alright?
Because otherwise, we're not gonna have a middle leg
to stand on with Jack bringing in that meter man
testifying on his behalf.
- He'll be in Detroit tomorrow night, I'll see
if I can find them.
- Yeah, yeah.
Now meanwhile, I wonder if you can give me
a little more insight as to this little fling that
you had?
- I mean, in case they decide to spring anything
on us in court.
- Oh, I suppose you're right.
It was just one of those little things that happens,
you know?
It was a warm spring afternoon.
I'd just come home from a hard day of
shopping at the mall.
I laid the bags down on the bed and decided
to try on some of the new clothes I had bought.
The zip on the back of my dress got stuck,
and I struggled to get it loose.
The moment I was just about to give up
on the zipper, a strapping young man passed by
the window.
Yoo hoo!
I yelled, as he flexed his derriere and walked over
to the window where I was standing.
With his deep southern voice, he said,
can I help you, ma'am?
I told him about the zipper being stuck.
He kindly obliged, and wrestled to release it.
In the process, he tore off my dress,
like a candy wrapper on a long piece of salt water taffy.
(upbeat country music)
The warm, summer breeze gently blew up my alley,
making the peach fuzz on my legs stand on end.
He reached in through the window, with one hand,
he caressed the soft, tender skin of my thighs.
He reached and wrapped both his strong arms around me,
cupping my breast and kneaded them
like sourdough bread.
- Mr. Hobine, during the course of your daily duties,
do women ever proposition you?
- Well, every now and then it happens.
They don't come right out and say it
like that, usually, they invite me in for coffee,
cheesecake, more like that.
- Did Susan Hoffman ever tempt you with cheesecake
of coffee?
- No, but she does bake a mean hot peach pie!
- Please try to contain your innuendoes, and
let's just get down to the facts.
Now while going about your daily duties as
a meter reader, do you ever take a moment
to window shop, as it were?
- I don't know what you mean?
- Certainly, you must pass by many a bedroom window
on your way to the meter?
And certainly you must catch a glimpse of many
a lonely housewife in various stages of undress
and availability.
- Well, doesn't happen that often.
Maybe once in a blue moon.
- And when one of these blue moons occurs, Mr. Holbine,
and a hot steaming slice of peach pie served up
in your face, which course of action do you take
when such a circumstance arises?
- Well ...
If it's thrown in my face, I usually go for it.
I mean, who wouldn't?
- Yes.
Now, on March 26th, of this year, Jack Hoffman
was in New Orleans for a game between the Chippers
and the Paints.
Upon arriving home that evening, he walked
into the master bedroom, and found irrefutable
evidence of fornication right there on the bedroom
windowsill.
Evidence that proves beyond a shadow of a doubt
that fornication between his wife Suzy,
and the gas company meter reader, did occur.
Your Honor, I'd like to introduce this pubic hair
as evidence for the petitioner.
- Your Honor, I object.
A pubic hair is purely circumstantial evidence,
counselor.
- Forensic experts have proven that this pubic hair
belongs to the respondent, Susan Hoffman.
- Oh, will you give me a break here?
Your Honor, who's to say that Mrs. Hoffman
doesn't clean her house in the buff?
I mean, that hair could've fallen there when
she was dusting the window seat, or maybe
watering her flowerpot.
- (chuckles) Your Honor, I'd like to introduce this
as petitioner's evidence B.
Now, the key to this puzzle lies in the tiny,
minute textile fiber found intertwined in Susan's
pubic hair.
Forensic experts matched this to the uniforms
worn by gas company meter readers nationwide.
Therefore, by putting one and one together,
we get two.
Two, two buns a-banging while her husband
was out on the road.
(relaxed music)
- Two years ago, we bought a house together
in Echo Park.
We thought we'd always be together, then.
But I guess things just don't work out the way
you planned.
- Now, Leslie, I see here that you and Regina
have a joint bank account?
Have you come to an agreement as to how
the money should be split?
- No.
She wants it all.
See, she's been making all the money in the last
year and a half.
She's the one that told me to quit my waitressing job
so I can devote all my time to my painting.
- And has your painting paid off for you yet?
- Hardly.
I had an opening in a gallery last month.
Only one of my paintings sold.
I don't know.
I guess the subjects I like to paint, people
can't relate to.
- What sort of subjects do you paint?
- I love painting flowers.
I paint flowers, the way they look on the inside,
when you open them up and press your face real close.
- That sounds like an interesting perspective.
Getting back to the cause of your break up ...
You found Regina with another woman one night?
- Yes, and this may come quite as a surprise to you,
Miss Horn.
But the other woman was your sister.
- Brenda?
- She works in a broom factory, doesn't she?
- Last I heard, she did.
This does come as quite a surprise.
Well, go on.
Tell me what happened.
- Well, I started getting suspicious of Regina
fooling around when I found another woman's underwear
in our dirty laundry.
So I ask her about it.
She got real defensive.
She said she found them in the bushes on the way home
from the muffin bakery.
So I let the whole thing slide.
Then one night, I came home, and I heard moaning sounds
coming from the bedroom.
(dramatic, sensual music)
I snuck down the hall, and opened the door.
I stood there with my mouth agape.
I burst into the room.
Regina turned a deep shade of magenta.
But your sister made a light, salmon pink.
- Yes, I've been having a relationship with Regina
since the first time she came into the broom store
where I work.
She said her old broom was worn out, and she needed
a new one.
- So you helped her select one.
- Yes.
I asked her what size rooms needed sweeping,
and she said, big ones, with hard to reach corners.
Well, I showed her our elite model.
It has soft, pliant bristles, and its best feature,
a smooth, hand polished handle.
Well, as soon as she had it in her hands,
I knew I'd made a sale.
It fit perfectly in her long, slender fingers.
- After you sold Miss Aperture the broom, did you
merely give her the receipt, and she went home?
Remember Brenda, you're under oath.
- She didn't go home right away.
We started talking.
She told me she worked at the Miraculous Muffin,
which is a bakery just down the street.
She said I could come in anytime I wanted to,
and sample some of her oven-fresh pastries.
And there was a definite chemistry between
me and Regina.
I didn't need to go all the way down to the muffin
to have my sweet tooth satisfied.
I walked over tot he door, put up the, Sorry, we're out
to lunch, sign, and we got down to business.
- I think we get the picture, Brenda.
Thank you.
(soft music)
- This is a fascinating case, Rachel.
The state doesn't recognize same-sex marriage, so,
they don't really consider it adultery.
- Breach of implied contract, then.
- No, no no, because nowhere is it even implied
that the joint ownership of partnership
is based on monogamy.
- But there was an implied contract, when Regina
asked Leslie to quit her job to pursue her painting.
It's an implied contract of spousal support,
therefore, Leslie is entitled to a share of the proceeds
to the house.
- That makes sense, but will it hold up in court?
Tell me something, Rachel, do you feel there's
any conflict of interest?
You handling this case, since your sister's involved?
- None, whatsoever!
As far as I'm concerned, it's a simple property settlement
case between Regina and Leslie.
- Well, sounds good to me.
I just want to avoid any malpractice suits.
- Speaking of suits.
How's that vouch with the basketball pro coming?
- Well, I'd say right about now, the score is 68 to 69
at the half.
- And who's winning?
- They are.
By a hair.
(sensual moaning)
- Oh, my God!
Rachel!
- And Grant!
That does it, I'm telling Philip.
- Oh, come on Rach, can't you let it slide?
- Oh, and you.
Brenda, I thought you were supposed to be gay.
- Oh, well I guess when it comes right down to it,
I'm bi.
- And I guess if it comes right down to it,
I'm a triathlete.
I'll try anything.
- Get out of my office!
Get out!
Oh, my papers are all wet!
That does it Brenda, I'm telling mom!
- Miss Gorge, did you contribute financially
to the monthly mortgage payments on the house
shared by you and Regina Aperture?
- No.
But I did the dishes, the laundry.
And I took out the garbage too.
- So you were, in effect, the household maid.
- Objection, your Honor.
Counselor is trying to denigrate my client's position
in the household.
- Sustained.
- You sat around fiddling with your finger paints
all day, while Regina was out slaving over
a hot muffin oven.
We were a team.
A partnership.
We had sex on a daily basis and she promised
to support me until my paintings took off.
- So, you were in effect, a concubine.
- Your Honor.
I request that be stricken from the record.
- Your Honor.
I intend to prove that the relationship between my client
and Miss Gorge was nothing more than an extended
liaison between two people who picked each other
up in a bar.
And when Regina Aperture took on another lover,
Leslie Gorge filed this pitiful lawsuit in an attempt
to usurp my client's hard-earned property.
I have no more questions.
- [Judge] You may step down.
- Your Honor, I would like to recall Miss Brenda Horn
to the stand.
(dramatic music)
- May I remind you, Miss Horn, that you are still
under oath?
- Oh, I'm quite aware of that, thank you.
- Miss Horn, during your brief fling
with Regina Aperture, did she ever mention
her relationship with Leslie Gorge?
- Yeah, a little bit.
She called her a wanton little slut that
could never be sexually satisfied.
- And when did she say that?
Recently?
- No, not really.
It was the morning after Leslie caught us
in bed together.
- Are you telling me that Regina called Leslie a slut,
after Leslie was the one that came home and found
her girlfriend in bed with another woman?
Isn't that like the proverbial pot calling the kettle black?
- Pink would be a more appropriate color to describe it.
- I'm not sure exactly what you mean, Miss Horn.
- Pink was the color Leslie smeared all over my body
that night.
Hot pink, to be exact.
- [Rachel] I don't follow you.
- Oh, she didn't tell you what happened
after she came home and found us in the sack together?
- Your Honor, I wish to ask for a recess to consult
with my client.
- I object, your Honor.
Counselor is stalling to avoid opening this
pink can of worms.
- Objection sustained.
Please proceed with the cross-examination, Miss Horn.
We've entered into a gray area here that I believe
needs to be explored.
- I have no more questions, your Honor.
- Does counsel for the respondent wish to redress
the petitioner's cross-examination?
- Oh, yes, your Honor.
I most certainly do.
- Thank you.
Well, Mr. Hoffman, you know, I've been a
fan of the L.A. Chippers for a good many years,
and of course, being a basketball aficionado,
I have to say, I'm shocked to hear these stories
of rampant promiscuity among basketball players.
You know, when they're on the road.
- Maybe back in the old days, but after the AIDS thing,
guys go back to their rooms now and have milk and cookies.
- Do they.
Of course, you could always wear a condom, couldn't you,
and continue your old lifestyle with reduced risk?
I mean, after all, isn't it a fact, Jack,
that you bring a vast quantity of condoms with you
every time you go on the road?
- Yeah, but that's because I have a product endorsement.
The Blow John prophylactic company pays me
a quarter of a million dollars a year to endorse
their product.
Part of my contract says I have to carry around
a bunch of their rubbers with me wherever I go.
- Haven't you ever found an occasion to actually
use those rubbers yourself?
I mean, you know, maybe taking them on a little test drive
when you're on the road?
- Oh, no.
Why would I waste my time chasing after loose women?
I got me a good woman back home, and besides.
I like eating milk and cookies too much.
- Ah.
Bailiff?
Thank you.
Well, Mr. Hoffman, you recognize these?
- How'd you get ahold of them?
- Well, your Honor, at great expense, we have brought in
an accounting firm to actually sift through these
diaries of Mr. Hoffman's, and they've tabulated
to see how many times he's actually had sex with women.
From the time he was playing basketball in college
right up until the present.
And the tabulating firm of Boffling House
has come up with a number here that, well ...
I think that old Wilt the Stilt himself
would be impressed with.
17,249 times.
No wonder he's so thin.
- I met Regina at the Miraculous Muffin after work.
She gave me a glazed, jelly donut, and she
had a fresh cranberry tart.
Afterwards, we went over to her place.
She told me that her roommate was at a gallery opening.
- Yeah, tell her all the dirt, Brenda.
Tell her.
- After Brenda's testimony, Leslie moved for a recess.
She, Regina, and Brenda met out in the hallway.
They decided to try to bury the hatchet
and live together as a threesome.
- Ah.
I'm a sucker for happy endings.
Rach.
What's the matter with him?
- Brain damage from sniffing the paint.
(Philip whistles)
Damn.
(laid back saxophone music)
- Now, here's a complex divorce case, which may take
extensive litigation.
Listen to this.
"Seems that Mr. Robbins, for a number of years,
"has been bringing men home so that they can
"have sex with his wife, Clarice, and he'd videotape them.
"until recently, when Clarice found out that
"he's actually been marketing these tapes
"in South America."
- How awful!
She must feel so betrayed.
- Yeah, it's a damn shame.
You wouldn't by chance have any of these video tapes
we could view, would you?
- Alright, now, I'm working on a cease and desist order
to keep them from actually broadcasting these tapes
on Argentinian TV, but until then, I'm afraid
that Clarice Robbins is going to continue to be
an inadvertent porn star south of the equator.
- Hmm, maybe I should maybe point my satellite dish
in a more southerly direction?
- Oh, I can't believe you, Grant!
- [Grant] What?
- Pig.
- Now listen.
I'm gonna go ahead and handle this case,
and meanwhile, I want both of you to see if you
can dig up some pro-bono cases to work on, alright?
Now look, charity cases are not only good
for the image of the firm, they're also gonna be,
in your case, emotionally rewarding, Grant.
- Pro bono divorce work.
What the hell are we supposed to do?
Go down to the welfare office and solicit
arguing couples?
- No, check with Legal Aid.
With the economy the way it is today, I'm sure
you'll find plenty of people to choose from.
(relaxed music)
(police siren and car horns in the distance)
(relaxed music)
- For years, I begged Rob to take me on
one of his South American business trips,
and finally, last week, he relented, and took me
along.
On the flight down, I couldn't help but notice,
some of the men on the plane were staring at me
for the longest time.
I took out my mirror to see if my lipstick was smeared
or something, but everything was fine.
Well, after we landed in Buenos Aires, a couple people
came up to me and asked me for my autograph.
Rob told me that the Argentinians just love
American tourists, and it was a custom in their country
to get visitors to sign their names.
I asked him why they didn't want his autograph,
or any of the other Americans around, for that matter.
Rob said they only like women with big breasts,
because, you know, they're superstitious
and they think it'll bring them good luck.
- And you had no idea that all this time,
you've been the number one porn star
in the entire South American continent?
- Absolutely no idea at all.
- Now, when your husband started making these movies
of you with other men, did he get your full consent?
- Well, sure, but he promised me nobody else would
see them!
The liar.
- Well, now Mrs. Robbins, I appreciate the fact
that no amount of money is going to make up
for the damage your husband did to you, but,
the fact that he never got a signed release from you,
leaves him wide open for civil damages himself.
Now, how many of these movies do you suppose
you actually made for him, over the years?
- Oh, gee, I don't know, there must have bene hundreds.
- (whistles) Hundreds.
And you never realized that he was making his living
off of these tapes all this time?
- No!
He told me he was importing precious gems
from Brazil.
- Alright, now.
In order for us to lay the groundwork for intent,
I need you to go back and tell me in detail
about the first movie that you ever made
for your husband.
Can you?
- Oh, gee, let's see.
Gosh, it's been almost five years now.
Well, we made so many of them.
Let's see, the first time ...
Oh, yeah, that was with Alberto, the gunslinger,
and boy, was he slung like a horse, whoo!
(laughs)
Yeah, that was the first time Rob had me dress up
like a frontier floozy (chuckles).
See, when Rob suggested we do something
to beef up our sex life, I thought he meant
maybe a dildo or something, but then he told me
what he wanted to do was video tape me making it
with another man.
I really didn't think he'd go through with it,
but then, one day, he brought home this guy
named Alberto.
He was a real good looking guy.
With a great body to boot!
I thought for sure Rob would bring home some
geeky looking pencil prick, just to make himself
seem that much better by comparison.
But I was wrong about Rob.
And definitely underestimated what lengths he would go
for production value.
Rob had this whole, wild west scenario in mind.
He even wrote a little script, although
there wasn't any dialogue.
He said, who needs dialogue, if you've got tits
and ass in the picture?
Of course, it was my tits and ass he was talking about.
So, once Alberto and I were properly introduced,
Rob turned on the camcorder and yelled, action.
From what I had read in the loosely worded script,
there was gonna be a lot of action, alright.
The script called for us to pretend we were in a saloon.
Alberto was supposed to be a gunslinger who just
rode into town, I played the town floozy,
the saloon girl.
You know the type, two bits a bang, and a thorough
ball-lapping for a dollar and a quarter.
Well, having been bought and paid for, Alberto,
the well-hung gunslinger, scourge of the west,
started having his wayward way with me,
the wanton saloon ...
(upbeat country music)
- Mr. Lamagien, you were the former vice president
of the first Miami Fiduciary Bank, weren't you?
- Yes, I was.
- [Philip] How come you're no long employed there?
- I was convicted of money laundering, but
my case is currently under appeal.
- Oh really?
Well, now, during your short tenure at the bank,
did you happen to do any business with the Pan-Amerigem
company, owned by Mr. Robbins?
- Yes, on many occasions.
- Tell me, approximately how much money do you suppose
Mr. Robbins deposited in your bank while you were there?
- Somewhere in the ball park of 69.9 million dollars.
- Oh, that's a pretty huge sum of money, isn't it?
I mean, for a one-man company that's only been around
for a couple of years.
- Robert Robbins is a very successful entrepreneur.
That's what made this country great in the first place.
Men of vision and daring, men who weren't afraid
to plow deep into the jungle to make a buck.
Men like Rob Robbins.
(knock on the door)
- Rach.
I got the perfect pro bono case.
A homeless couple, been living under a freeway
for eight years.
It's long enough for a common law marriage,
now they want a divorce.
- They have any children?
- Nope.
- Well, if they're homeless, they must not
have any communal property.
- That's where you're wrong!
They have a shopping cart full of stuff they've
been accumulating for years!
- The stuff can't be worth much, Grant.
Don't you think it would be easier if they just
went their separate ways?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
You're the one that's supposed to have a social conscience,
here.
I mean, this may not mean anything to me or you,
but what about them?
There might be something in that stuff of sentimental value.
- What do you propose, Grant?
- You represent Grenadine, the common law wife,
and I'll represent Vito the husband.
If Philip wants us to do some pro bono work,
this is pro bono to the core.
(relaxed music)
- She wants the rubber chicken, but I'm telling you,
that rubber chicken is mine.
I'm the one who dug it out of the dumpster.
(soft music)
- Vito, he don't wanna give me the sleeping bag.
Says it's his, 'cause he don't like sleeping
on cement.
Where the hell am I supposed to sleep?
Besides, I'm the one who patched it up
with a roll of tape I found by the side of the road.
- I got this plastic paint bucket that we found
in a back alley.
I would use it to put all the food in that
we dig out of the garbage.
Well, hell, it was my idea to use it for food!
Gren wants to use the damn thing for a piss pot.
- It's different for a woman on the street than it is
for a man.
A man can just whip it out and whiz almost anywhere.
But us girls, we gotta squat!
- Grenadine don't understand how hard it is
to find a decent scrap of food these days!
I mean, as tough as things are!
- I gave Vito the worst years of my life,
that oughta count for something.
- Hell, everything I own is in that shopping cart.
- I ain't giving up none of it.
- None of it!
- Vito.
During the past year, did you ever have
any sexual relations with any women besides Grenadine?
- Well, certainly not!
Takes money to get a woman in this town.
- Do you know if Grenadine has been faithful to you
during the past year?
- Who you kidding?
Her nickname on the street is Back Alley Sally.
- Well, we could get a real leg up in the negotiations
if we could prove common law infidelity.
When was the last time she cheated on you?
- Last time, well I ...
Probably at least a couple months ago.
I mean, you know, on the streets, though, you lose track
of time.
The days, they go on and on, one into the other.
Kinda like the little squares on a long roll
of toilet paper.
Well, I remember I was down at skid row,
wading through the trash, digging up a little
midnight snack for me and Gren.
And I figured the little lady was waiting
for me back at home, under the freeway, you know
what I mean?
But I was wrong.
She was out there whoring around again.
Well, I came across her and Winslow by some trash heap
that somebody dumped by the railroad.
So, I hid behind the corner to see what
they was gonna do.
(sultry saxophone music)
Now, I figured something fishy was going on,
and I noticed, she got hollandaise sauce or something
all over her mouth.
Well, you know, you dig in the garbage and
the food yu come up with, it's either stale or it's rotten,
it's full of worms, but you know, I figured she
found something fresh the way she was licking
her lips.
But then I'll tell you, something started happening
that told me there was something else going on.
You know, she started climbing out of those rags
she calls clothes, until all she had left one
was this little scrap of lingerie, you know,
she found somewhere in a laundromat.
Freaking thing is full of holes.
Hell, she even said she liked it,
said it was like having air conditioning build right in.
The air conditioning?
Right.
I'll tell you something, you could put that broad's
buns in a damn freezer, wouldn't cool them down.
I mean, come on, it's like she was born with
a friggin' pilot light left on in her hooch, you know?
It doesn't take much to spark those little panties
on fire either, you know what I mean?
Hell, I don't even know why the bitch even bothers
wearing undies at all.
Holes or no holes.
Never keeps them on.
(sensual jazz music)
- What is the meaning of this, Grant?
- What?
- This lawsuit?
Crenshaw versus Crenshaw?
Notice of petition for dissolution of common law marriage,
grounds of adultery?
- Should know what it is, you're a lawyer, aren't you?
- You are scum, Grant.
There is no reason this could not be settled
in a simple, out of court negotiated settlement.
- Look, I just wanna see that justice is served, here.
- Look, just because your ex-wife got the house, the kids,
and the car, does not give you the right to use
these poor people to work out your pent up hostility
towards women!
- Since when did you become the staff psychologist
around here?
- You know, it's slime like you that give lawyers
a bad name.
(soft music)
- Now Clarice, when you were with your husband
in Buenos Aires, he told you specifically never to leave
the hotel room, right?
- Yes, he told me that the Argentinians were
very dangerous, especially towards strangers.
Well, after seeing yourself having sex on Argentinian
TV, what happened?
- I slapped Rob across the face, really hard.
And then I put on my coat and ran out of the room.
- Would you mind telling the court, please,
what happened to you?
After you left that room?
- Well, I took the elevator down to the lobby,
and there were some men there, and they all
rushed up to me and asked me for my autograph.
And ...
I ran out of the hotel into the streets.
It was after midnight, and everything was closed,
except for the bars.
Every car that passed me on the street honked,
and the people yelled things to me in Spanish
that I couldn't understand, but I could tell
it was dirty.
And so, I then ran into the bar, just to get
off the streets.
And it was like I was a rockstar, or something.
There were people mobbing me and asking me for
my autograph.
And ...
Then I felt men's hands under my coat.
I was naked underneath, and they were grabbing me
and feeling me.
I then realized why it was that Rob didn't want me
to leave the hotel room.
Wasn't because I was a stranger in a strange land,
it was because I was a stranger in a land
where everybody and their brother knew exactly
every inch of who I was.
- Your Honor.
Because my client was cuckolded during his common law
marriage, I ask that he be given preferential treatment
in the dividing of their communal possessions.
- Your Honor.
The fact that my client was not aware she was
a common law wife precludes any intent on her part
to willfully and wantonly commit adultery.
Therefore, counsel for the petitioner's request
to have first dibs on the contents of this cart,
not only lacks legal merit, but shows an ungentlemanly
regard for the age-old propriety of letting
ladies go first.
- Why is this case in my court and not out
in the parking lot where it belongs?
- Clarice and I made the tapes purely for recreational
purposes.
They were therapeutic, in the sense that they helped
jump-start our then dormant sex life.
At the time, I was having a problem
with recurrent impotence.
Watching my wife having sex with other men
somehow helped get me back in the saddle again,
so to speak.
I often took the tapes with me on my business trips
to South America.
For my own personal use only.
They helped me get through many long, lonely nights
in foreign hotel rooms.
- Really.
Well, I'm a little confused here, Mr. Robbins,
if you didn't hand off these tapes, to the distributors,
how do you suppose they showed up suddenly
on South America TV?
- Well, the only thing I can think of is that
somebody must've been stealing them from my suitcase.
One of the baggage handlers at the airport,
or a bellhop, or perhaps one of the hotel maids.
- Alright, right.
And Mr. Robbins, will you please, to your best recollection,
describe the events leading up to your wife
discovering that she'd become a South American porn star?
- Well, I came back to the hotel room, tired from
a hard day of beating down bushes looking
for a few good emeralds.
I was glad Clarice was waiting there for me in the flesh.
Ordinarily on my trips out of town, I could only watch
on the VCR.
Her body was so much more fulfilling in person.
To feel the touch of her soft skin on the tips
of my fingers gave me goosebumps the size of the Andes.
I headed southwards, through the treacherous
bush lands of Bolivia, till I came upon
her under-clothed Uruguay.
There, I found the lost city of El-Dorado,
nestled in a warm, dark ravine on the banks
of the Amazon.
(exotic tribal music)
- [Vito] It's mine!
- [Grenadine] No, it's mine!
- This is mine! - Mine!
(both arguing)
- There will be order.
You are out of order.
- Yes, your honor, I have
turned up evidence of money laundering,
by Mr. Robert Robbins, with a dummy corporation
set up with an account at the first Miami Fiduciary bank.
- Okay, you caught me with my pants down.
I was at a party with Clarice.
I was broke at the time.
The bank was about to foreclose on the house.
There was a man there from Argentina, who said that
a woman like Clarice could make a fortune
in porno.
I had no choice Clarice, I had to do it!
If I didn't, we would've both wound up sleeping
in the streets.
- The broken electric toaster oven goes to Vito.
And the plastic paint bucket is awarded to Grenadine.
And last, but not least, the rubber chicken.
- That's mine!
- Bailiff.
Thank you.
There we go.
Split down the middle.
The case of Crenshaw versus Madson is now closed,
and this court is adjourned.
- It is the finding of this court, that Clarice Robbins
was systematically abused for economic gain
by her husband, Robert.
Noting the entire empire he built corner-stoned
on the uncompensated labors of his wife.
I hereby award Clarice the ownership
of Pan-Amerigem, and all the assets thereof.
- Wait a minute, 80 million bucks, and you're giving it
all to her?
- You're out of order, Mr. Robbins.
I also award to the petitioner's wife, the title
to their houses in Bel Air, Aspen, and Hawaii.
- That doesn't even leave me a pot to piss in.
- Where you're going, Mr. Robbins, a receptacle
for that basic necessity will be provided by the state.
Bailiff, arrest Robert Robbins for pandering,
racketeering, and money-laundering.
Enjoy your money, Mrs. Robbins.
You've earned it.
(laughs)
- Alright, alright, alright, enjoy yourselves.
I promised my nephew I'd take him to Cub Scouts, alright?
Are either of you doing anything on your pro bono cases?
(both snickering)
- As a matter of fact, I managed to get Vito a job
as a gardener for one of my wealthy clients.
He's already moved off the streets and
into servants' quarters.
- Good.
Now, what about the girl?
- I'm trying to get her a job as a live-in maid.
- Don't bother, Rach.
I already found Grenadine a job.
A job that pays over $1,000 a day.
- Doing what?
(relaxed music)
- Makeup, could I have a little more powder
on my butt cheeks?