Divorce Club (2020) - full transcript

"Our Wood Anniversary"

Ben, Vanessa,
I now pronounce you man and wife.

5 years, already...

-Awesome or what?
-Yeah...

With that Kool & The Gang tune!

I edited it myself.

She'll burst right into tears!

She's a huge romantic.

Why go to so much trouble?

It's our wood anniversary!

Five years is a big deal.



Just take her away for the weekend.

I'm no jerk!
I already rented a boat!

I broke the bank.
The bridge covered in roses!

Okay! Nice...

Paid in cash.
So her boss better let her go!

He doesn't like you.

He just never remembers me.

I have to remind him every time we meet.

-No?
-I swear!

No way!
Speak of the devil...

Blaise,
this is Thierry, a friend.

Thanks for having us.
It's great!

You know Ben, my husband.

Hello.
No, I don't think we've met.



Ben Catala.
We've met many times.

Really? You sure?

I showed you a house 6 months ago.

We were on the same golf team.

We spent 4 hours together.

Sorry, I don't remember.

Vanessa...

We should go.

Glen, delighted to meet you.

Later!

Glen?

He does it on purpose!

"What separates winners from losers

"is perseverance,"
as Steve Jobs said.

Well, dear coworkers, I've persevered.

And together, we'll persevere.

Thank you very much!

Great! Congratulations, babe!

Blaise wants me
to sign my contract right away.

A "superstition."
I'll be 2 minutes.

Get going!

Babe! Yes!

Bravo!

Just one last detail...

Let's see to that.

Their mics are still on!

The jerks!

Blaise, stop!
My husband's downstairs!

Really? He's here?

Come on... A quickie!

Look at this erection!
I'm hard as a rock.

Did he say "erection"?

No, "direction."

No.

Holy moly!

I don't get that at home!

-Get over here!
-Take it.

Go for it, Blaise!
Show me what a man is!

Go on! Take me like a partner!

You're hung like a horse! Mount me!

Cut the sound!

You stallion! Yes!

Yes, you stallion!

My stallion!

Cut!

More!

-I don't feel well...
-Help me!

He's swallowing his tongue!

Explain or it's divorce court!

Okay.

Okay, what?

Okay for the divorce.

Shall we go?

Yeah.

I'm here!

You've reached
Vanessa Pignet's voicemail.

Please leave a message.
Unless it's you again, Ben.

What a bitch! Sorry...

That's the worst breakup
in the history of breakups!

I have an idea...

Hookers!

Oh, Titi, no...

It'll make you feel better!

I feel a lot better.

I hardly cry anymore.

When I feel it coming on,
I say,"No!"

I say, "No, Christian.

"Don't cry. Be strong."

And it works.

I don't cry.

Very good, Christian.

My friends, divorce isn't just
about calling the family into question,

or loss,
or a sense of abandonment.

It's above all...

A personal failure.

A personal failure!

PERSONAL FAILURE

Good.

Who's next?

Ben!

No, I...

I'd rather just listen.

You have to.

Here, no one will judge you.

No.

Well...

My wife left me for her boss.

I discovered their affair...

at a reception...

where everyone heard her...

Getting laid!

Screwing her boss.

Their mics were still on.

So every sound
came through the office PA system.

Everyone heard her...

Reach orgasm.

Reach orgasm.

And instead of apologizing,

she asked for a divorce.

When you're in the depths of despair

and think it couldn't be worse,

you hear a story like this.

There's always worse!

And Ben's is the worst!

Late again!

Sorry, Eric!

I'd prefer "Dr. Eric."

Or "Fred", my first name.

Or "Dr. Fred Eric."

Patrick?

I didn't know you were back!

I'd like to analyze your situation, Ben.

Benny!

Pipe down!

-It's been ages!
-Since college.

Insane!

You haven't changed!

You have.
You look great!

-A little less hair!
-Shit!

Take it easy!

-Stop!
-Let me see!

Cut it out!

What are you doing here?

Yeah, sure...

The bitch!

Sorry...

You poor guy.
That's the worst breakup ever!

I know.

-What about you?
-Not as funny.

Sorry!

What do you do now!

Real estate. You?

I launched a start-up, sold it.
Now I'm moving on.

What luck!

We had so many laughs in that apartment!

-Salmon and steak.
-Thank you.

Bon appétit, gentlemen.

Why not do it again?

Roomies? At 40?
Are you serious?

Yes!

We have dough, more experience...

We're single now!
Let's make the most of it!

-And your son?
-Every other weekend!

I'm bored in that big house!

We'll console each other.

-Come on!
-Cut it out!

I have my own place!
My life!

False! You've got nothing!

Marriage was your life.

And now you'll lose all your pals.

David, I'm so late!

-What?
-I'm not allowed.

-David!
-I can't talk to you!

Take off!

David...

My wife said no!

-Forget me!
-David, not you!

Hey, Raphael!

-What's the score?
-Stay out!

-Why?
-Great!

-A goal?
-Bye.

To arms...

To arms...

We're the Marseillais

And we're gonna win...

You're toxic now. I can't see you.

Katy says, "No bachelors!"

I'm not divorced yet!

She says you'll drag me into clubs
to pick up chicks.

I never go clubbing!
You're the strip-club junkie!

With married guys. Big difference!

-Who are you talking to?
-Don't call me!

Your life's shit.
Don't drag me down, too!

Titi...

How's it going?

Feeling upbeat?

What're you up to?

Come on over!

I'll pick you up!
On my way!

Nice wheels!

Loud, but nice!

My ex wanted an electric car,
to "save the planet."

She never let me have fun.
Now, I am!

-What do you drive?
-An electric Toyota!

I'm not surprised.

How far is it?

Waze is recommending a shortcut.

-I'll try it.
-You sure?

Hang on!

Slow down!

-You won't fit!
-Sure, I will!

Shit!

What a blast!

Here we are!
Welcome to my place!

It's nice.

Make yourself at home.

Shit!

Only two things you can't touch -

my ex and my Ferrari 250 GTO.

Only 33 ever made.

All original. Hasn't been on the road
since she won Le Mans in '63.

I never take her out.

I get in. I start her up.

I listen to the engine...

I cry, then I get out.

Shit!

What is that?

It's okay, Michel. He's with me.

What is that?

That's Michel, my lemur.

The best security alarm system.

Have fun, Michel.

Have fun.

And there she is!

Holy cow!

Shit!

Alain Delon's old house.

Where he first
made love to Romy Schneider.

No?

I'll leave that
to your imagination.

You sold that start-up for a bundle!

-Were you a drug dealer?
-No, deep doo-doo.

Legal problems?

No, I made it thanks to doo-doo.

Poo-poo-pee-doo!
First toilet paper delivery app.

You're on the can,
with your phone.

You're outta TP.
One click and it's there in a flash.

Shit...

Mr. Ben! Delighted!

Patrick told me...

The bitch! The kahba!
Disgusting!

That's the worst story I've ever heard.

And I've heard some doozies!

Yeah, I know...

-Be right down!
-Who's he?

That's Helmut.
My very own Mary Poppins!

Welcome!

You okay? Make yourself at home.

Whatever your needs -

ironing, cooking,

cocktails, travel -

I'm at your beck and call.

Anything but a blowjob.

-Shit!
-Think about expanding your vocabulary.

I'll give you a tour!

This is the entryway...

for entering.

Or for having a drink.

The living room...

Great for watching soccer games
with your pals.

Or for having a drink.

The games room...

For gaming,
friendly competitions...

Or for having a drink!

And finally the spa...
for working out, massages...

Namaste.

-Well-being...
-To relax.

And no drinks in here?

No, why?

Think we should?

Now tell me you don't wanna live here!

Patrick, it's amazing!
But I don't think it's really my style.

Don't you deserve some pleasure
after what you've been through?

That break-up was hard.

I was talking about marriage.

Your other half's not here to say no.
So say yes!

Okay, I'll move in here.

But only if I pay my share.

That's not necessary.

If not, I'll feel awkward.

I understand.

Say, 5,000 a month?

I'm kidding!
Pay what you like!

-No!
-What is it?

Let it go, Mr. Ben.

That's why you're here.

-Go on.
-Yeah.

Sure.

And the wedding ring.

Not the ring.

Yes, the ring, Mr. Ben.

Do it quickly.

I never take it off.

Hurry up.

You can do it.

Otherwise, I'll suck.

No!

There.

Easy...

Big kiss.

Helmut!

Michel, right?

I'm Ben.

Hey, buddy!

You don't look too bright
but you're funny.

Here, buddy!

Gimme five!

Gimme five!
That's it!

He's bonkers!

Helmut...

Patrick!

Helmut!

Patrick...

Michel?

Who are you?

Gotcha!

You cheated!
You sent a decoy!

No, that's my friend, Ben.

We're gonna live together.

Hold on...

This is Tom,

my son.

We've met.

Hey, kiddo!

What a loser!
He rubs my head!

Please, Dad!
Can we take out the buggy?

I'll go get it.

You guys are really in love!

I see him less often,
but better.

He's a bit high-strung.

Now he's going to the Balearics

for a 2-week tennis workshop
with Nadal.

Rafael Nadal?

No! Miguel, his uncle.

I'm successful, but there are limits!

What are you talking about?

1,200 euros worth of mojitos
in a bar?

Someone definitely stole my credit card!

-Ben Catala?
-Yes.

Obviously, I never go out.
And I don't drink.

Cancel the card.

The one that ends in 038.

Thank you very much.
Goodbye.

Bye-bye, you naughty girl!

Marion Roche.

Sorry.
A bachelorette binge...

but that bill was beyond my means!

That's why you tossed the...

-That's between us?
-No problem!

-Like the street?
-Yeah.

Okay.

Yes, it's a sex shop.

OH MY DILDO

But you can do a lot inside.

I mean, for your project.
Lots of potential.

Okay.

Shall we? Let's go!

As I said on the phone,
it's 6,500 square feet.

It needs some work,

but it's a huge space.
Sorry.

Excuse me.

A huge space...

And if I'm not mistaken...

there are two entrances.

You have the main entrance, in front,

and a small one in the back.

-What?
-Well...

After you...

You can take out the dropped ceiling

to reveal the beams.

-Why are you whispering?
-So I don't disturb anyone.

-Who?
-The people in the booths.

-Those are booths?
-Yeah.

Wow! Can I see?

Don't touch it with your hands!
It's disgusting!

But I've never seen one!

Let's see if anyone's in there.

Anybody in there?
It's empty.

Go ahead.

-Don't touch anything!
-Okay.

It's great! Crazy.

Don't touch the door.

-The poor thing.
-Come on.

There's a screening room.

You have to use your imagination.

Especially since
I'm opening a day care center.

That does call for some imagination.

Can you leave us alone for five minutes?

Sorry, sir, I didn't see you.

Have fun.

You could combine
these three spaces into one.

Just take down the partitions.

I know great construction workers.

They could easily do that.

If you want a larger space.

I want a big one.

Really?

We've seen it all.

-That was a joke.
-What?

-The day care center.
-Okay.

Women aren't just
kids, recipes, shopping.

Of course not.

I'm opening a women's
martial arts studio.

This place is great
but it needs so much work.

Think it may be negotiable?

-What does the little lady think?
-She's interested.

-But...
-But what?

300K in this neighborhood is a steal!

Huh, Catana?

Yeah, that's true.

It's a good deal. A steal.

If we deduct 15K
to bring the electricity up to code,

10K for handicapped access,

and 25K to redo the common areas.

That comes to 250K.

Minus 10% for wear and tear.
I'll cut my commission in half.

That brings us to 200K, right?

I've got 10 guys
ready to pay full price!

Ten!

They're not all that ready.

They've waited two years!

There are weenies everywhere, so...

250.

200.

Thank you!

You're amazing!

You sure
you're a real estate agent?

I'm not sure of much these days.
But I can see that you're nice.

Thank you, Ben.

I'd better go console him.

Excuse me... I... anyway...

I was just looking at...

Bye.

Hear that?

-Patrick!
-Hear that?

-What?
-Nothing.

That's divorce.

No noise, no screaming. Harmony.

Alone with yourself.

-Cocktail?
-It's 11 am!

Pisco sour hour!

You're single now!

No one can stop you
from having fun.

Two pisco sours?
Coming right up!

Great!

To bachelorhood!

Why'd you get married?

You kidding?

We were in love!

Wrong. Very wrong.

Love has nothing to do with it.

Western society convinces us
that marriage is our only choice.

It's unnatural!

That's the rant of a guy
who screwed up his marriage.

Really?

-What about penguins?
-What?

Penguins.

I've done research.

Penguins are the only
monogamous animals on earth.

All other species
-including Man -

are genetically programmed
to have numerous partners.

Marriage for life doesn't work.

Simply because we're not penguins.

You don't believe me?

Come with me.

Proof by example...

Ikea!

Ikea?

Relationship paradise!
Is that your plan?

My failure vs.
the rapture of others?

No, this is the purgatory
of conjugal life.

No couple can resist the hell
man and woman subject each other to.

Otherwise known as "cohabitation."

Look.

You're out of your mind!

That table's too big!
It'll never fit in the car.

You squeezed in!

Very funny.

You never had that problem.

His is really tiny.

Honey, I found it!
Grundval!

It's Grundtal, not Grundval.

Grundtal's a vase!

Think I want a toilet brush
on the living room table?

You're an imbecile.

And you're not improving!

My teddy bear!

-What do you think?
-About?

-This may be a better color.
-You decide!

This is better.
Be nice to Mommy.

I want my teddy bear!

Where'd you put it?

In a drawer.

We're not penguins.
As demonstrated.

I never realized that.

Like everybody.

Two out of three couples get divorced.
The third pretends.

Even Nelson Mandela!

He spends half his life in prison
being tortured daily.

He hangs on.

27 years later, he gets out.

After 6 months of marriage,
he freaks out and gets divorced.

-No?
-Yes!

Radical! I have no desire
to see Vanessa ever again.

Good.

-Hello...
-Bitch!

-Goodbye.
-No, it's...

What's up?

My friend Albane's husband
is divorcing her.

Obviously.

Tequila sunrise
and a hot towel, Mr. Ben.

I'll be okay.

No, I'm not.

I'm not okay.

My life's over.

You're with friends now.

I'm sick of this!
It's my third divorce in 3 years!

-It's your job. It's too hard.
-I know.

We work, work, work,
and neglect our relationships.

No. I'm a wedding planner.

She planned my wedding.

You meet such great guys at weddings.

It's so hard to resist.

Either the cute best man
or a pumped-up caterer.

What a shit job!

You'll move in with us!

-Helmut!
-Thank you.

It'll do me good to be with you guys.
Thank you.

Thank you.

-I feel better already.
-Come on, sweetie.

-Don't cry.
-I feel better.

A chick roommate?

We can't abandon her!

You after her?

I'm serious. You don't
abandon someone mid-divorce.

It's so painful.
You know that, I know that.

You're right.

Sorry. We have to stick together.

-Exactly.
-We've got room.

But no partying every night.

We're reaching out to a friend
in an emotional desert.

Who's talking about partying?

Thank you!

I'm alive again!

-Make me something?
-Right away.

This is the best thing
that ever happened to me!

-What?
-His leaving me!

-Wish I could say the same.
-Want a Prozac?

It's great with booze.

True!

I love this song. Let's dance!

Mazel tov!

-You, too!
-What's with you all?

Freedom!

Down the hatch!

-What's wrong?
-Ben's sulking.

He hasn't had his P.D.E.!

That's it.

Bullshit. I'm self-employed, so...

No, P.D.E.
Post-Divorce Eruption.

Albane's right. You've gotta
blow your wad. It's bad karma!

I have no problem in that department!

You fell off a horse.
It happens to the best of us.

Get back in the saddle
or you're done for.

Plunge in!
Cruise chicks!

Keep it light, fun. Nothing depressing.
But mention your divorce.

-Girls!
-Not now! Shit!

Meet my roommates.

Ben and Patrick.

You're divorced, too?

-Yeah.
-What happened?

I'm a lousy husband, that's all.

And you?

Me? Well, I...

In fact...

I overheard
my wife screwing her boss

in Dolby Surround Sound.

All her coworkers were there.

They were hysterical,
making fun of me.

It destroyed me.
I lost 11 pounds.

Light, fun...

Let's dance.

Let's go.

Instead of apologizing,
she dumped me like a piece of shit!

But I don't give a damn!
I'm light, fun.

I think your story's very moving.

My name's Sarah.

You're beautiful.

-Shall we go to your place?
-I don't have one.

I'm a bird that's fallen from the nest.

Poor dear. Come to my place.
I have a cozy little nest for you.

Okay.

Light, fun!

Let's go!

'Morning, you!

You're cute asleep.

What time is it?
I have to get to work.

Last night was so much fun!

You were less uptight
last night, Benny.

Is that me?

Sorry. I don't remember much.

I think I drank too much.

I'm going through a break-up.
I'm still in bad shape.

I know.
You told everyone last night.

But don't worry.
No pressure here, Benny, sweetie.

Come down when you like.
I'll make breakfast.

Thanks.

Shit!

My clothes!

Holy shit!

Excuse me...

Excuse me!

What the hell is her name?

Hello...

Excuse me!

Where's my stuff?

Damn!

Benny, sweetie!
Good thing we're open-minded.

But still!

I'm washing your clothes.
You threw up on them.

Well, since you've already met...

Benny, sweetie, this is my Mom and Dad.

We're so happy to meet you!

Yes, we're happy as clams!

This is great. We'd given up hope.

Mom, stop!

It's true. It's great!

"Benny, sweetie," that's Jewish, right?

Of course he's Jewish!

He's not circumcised.

He's not?

No way!
I got a good look!

Let's see!

-Dad!
-If you're not Jewish, no big deal!

Convert before the wedding!

No big deal, no big deal...

That's what you say!

Tea or coffee?

Both.

Both!

I forgot to brush my teeth.
Be right back!

On the way,
take a peek in the guest room.

A wall has to come down.

It absolutely must come down!

It could make a beautiful nursery!

A nursery!

Sure!

I...

I'll give you my professional opinion.

Get out the tool box
and we can start right away!

He's great!

Shit!

Yes!

Shit!

Yes!

Shit!

What do you think?

Benny, sweetie...

Sure, I'd have preferred
a doctor or lawyer...

Real estate's a sure thing.
They're stable.

What was that?
Did you hear?

Benny, sweetie! You okay?

Maybe he started on the wall!

-Think so?
-Yes!

He's perfect...

Hey...

Hey!

Chill out, bro!
I'm makin' a mix tape!

That was one badass get down!
I'm on a whole new level now!

Excuse me for one sec...

You must be Ben?

Gimme some skin, man!

Why are you in your undies?

I forgot my trunks
and went swimming.

You look like a geisha.

See you soon!

For taxis, it's left-left-right.

You're back!

-Yeah. Who is this guy?
-Didier!

Yeah, but call me "Dee".

DJ Dee!

What's he doing in his undies?

Cool, Ben!
Don't you recognize Dee?

He DJ'd here last night.
It was dynamite! Dynamite!

From our support group!

-You're divorced, too?
-After 30 years in the can!

He was an accountant.

But his dream was to be a DJ.

My wife was into

John Denver and Truffaut.
I was bored shitless.

So it was, "Adios, baby!"

I left her the pad, the kids...

-Kids, too?
-Yeah, 28 and 32 years old!

So I invited Dee to move in with us!

What? Another roommate?

Be charitable, Ben.
He's old, fragile!

It's true.
I'm so bummed out these days.

Patrick, I didn't sign on for this!

Bye...
Bye...

Bye!
The taxi stand's left-left-right.

No doves?

Then get some pigeons
and spray-paint them white!

No better, honey?

No lilies! She's allergic!

I'm going to the pool.
Talk later.

Shit...
I didn't sign on for this!

Chicks, guys in undies,

Albane and her problems!

What is this, a divorce club?

You're a genius!

No, I'm just inconsolable!

My marriage meant a lot to me.

I'm not gonna pretend I'm fine.
I'm not fine!

-Coffee?
-It's not the time.

Someone got up
on the wrong side of the bed!

I'll put on some sounds!

A Divorce Club?
Excellent!

Sounds like nonstop sex!

You haven't heard

one word I just said!

Stop whining!
You're having a ball.

Katy's unbearable
with this baby obsession.

And since it's not working,
we can't even fuck!

I have to jerk-off in a cup.

I can't even use a magazine!
I have to think of her.

Make it snappy!

Two minutes, honey!
I'm not a machine!

And I want a full cup!

Hello...

Hello!

Can I stop by to see you tonight?

I really need it.

You can't.

Divorcees only!

Can't you make an exception?

For guys in the pre-divorce stage.

How I'd love to be single, like you!

-Who you talking to?
-Nobody. It was a wrong number.

I'll keep going, hon...

-What's the address?
-Hi, Ben!

-Gotta go.
-The address!

Marion! The sex shop.

Among other things.

Here's the paperwork!

Perfect! Great...

-Coffee?
-Sure!

Sorry! It's unbearable...

Horrible!
Do you sail?

No, but it's my dream!

Have my own boat, travel the world...

But not right away!

Keep negotiating like you did
the other day, and you'll get there!

It's nice when it stops!

Thank you!

Aren't you married?

No... She divorced me.

Me, too. Almost a year ago.

-A year?
-Yes, but take heart...

It gets easier with time.

-I promise!
-Yeah, I guess...

With time, it fades away.

Exactly.

What are you doing tonight?

I owe you a mojito.

Especially now that...

...now that you're single.

Excuse me.

I need to see you.

La Romantica at 8 tonight?

I'm sorry, I can't tonight.

Okay. Another time then!

Yeah, sure!

I'll let you go.
Thanks for the coffee.

My pleasure.

Bye!

Bye, see you soon!

Other than for penguins,
relationships

are not natural.

The principal cause of divorce
is marriage.

We have to be free to express...

Who are they?

They're from Divorcees Anonymous,
your support group.

It's magnificent. Listen!

Must "divorced"
rhyme with "depressed"?

-Yes...
-No!

-No?
-No!

Divorce is a form of liberation.

The beginning of a new life.

From a place where
you don't have to account to anyone.

A place married people will envy.

A place of freedom.

And that place is right here.
The Divorce Club!

Really great!

My friends, as you lament your fate,

remember the trauma
this man experienced.

His is the worst!

I'm honored to introduce the man
who conceived of this club for you,

my friend, Ben Catala!

And never be ashamed of being divorced.
Because we're not...

Penguins!

You've changed their lives.

I can't stay.

It's the inauguration of our club!

Not tonight or any other night!

I'm having dinner with Vanessa!

An ex is like a prison!

You've learned nothing!

Just ask yourself...

are you a penguin?

No!

Oh, yes!

Signore Ben, buona sera!

-Vido!
-How are you?

-Great!
-Welcome!

Happy to be here!

This is your place, isn't it?

I seated Vanessa
at your favorite table.

Can you bring us
a nice bottle of prosecco with dessert?

-I think we'll have good news!
-Certo!

My lips are sealed!
Have a lovely evening!

Good evening!

For later.

Grazie, Signore Ben!

Sorry! Hold on...
How are you?

Fine!

You look gorgeous!

Thank you.

And you picked "our place"...

Yes.

First of all, I wanted to say
I'm sincerely sorry.

Vanessa...

There's no instruction manual for life.

We all make mistakes.

What matters is
recognizing them.

If you wanna put the brakes on all this
before it's too late,

I think this is the time.

Hold on, Ben!

We're not
putting the brakes on anything.

We're accelerating.

Blaise and I are getting married.

So please sign the divorce papers.

A little prosciutto to begin...

Not now, please.

Not now! Stop!

He said, "Not now."
Sorry!

-You're not marrying that asshole?
-Hello!

Blaise, give us five minutes.

I'm bored all alone. And I'm hungry.

Don't tell me...
"Sven", right?

Sven... That's a nice name.
If it's a boy.

What? You're pregnant?

Yes!

Bravo!

Thank you.

Prosecco to celebrate the baby!

Congratulations!

Not now!
Which word don't you understand?

My name's Ben!
Not Sven or Glen. But Ben!

Ben, that's good, too.
Even better.

Divorce Agreement by Mutual Consent

Limoncello for you both!

On the house!

Delete!

Gimme a break!

LOST

"Ben, 40 years old, 6'3", birthmark
on left thigh, gentle but fearful.

"If you find him, please contact me."

What a nut job!

Psychopath!

What is it?

What are you doing here?

This is my room.

What are you doing here?

-The others were taken.
-You said you were leaving!

-Move over.
-What are you doing? Stop!

It didn't go well?

No.

She didn't come back?

No.

You sad?

No.

Because I'm not a penguin!

Yes! I knew it!

I signed my divorce papers!

I'm so proud of you, I wanna cry.

No!

Am I hot...
Oh, it's a foursome!

Okay!

The Divorce Club!
Where divorce is a party!

He came!

That's why
you wore those slutty overalls!

Do I look slutty?

A little...

-Hi!
-Hello.

Thanks for coming.

My pleasure. Incredible!
You did a lot of work.

The booths were there?

-Exactly!
-You ripped out everything.

It's completely changed.

You didn't keep the weenies?

-To fight with!
-No! What's that?

I heard you liked mojitos, so...

Sorry, I only brought two.
But you're with...

Gisèle! Come here!

-Got it?
-Yeah.

-This is Ben.
-Hi!

Nice to meet you.

No, let's just shake.

Okay.

My best friend and MMA instructor.

Incredible!
A woman MMA instructor?

"Incredible!"
What's the problem?

Women can't be MMA instructors?

No!

No, okay, I get it!

Women should stay in the kitchen,

eyes lowered,
waiting for the right to vote?

That's not what I meant!

Okay. What did you mean?

-I meant...
-So!

I'd say she's less annoying
once you get to know her,

but I can't lie.

Don't you have to go?

-No!
-Yes, you do!

Okay, I see!

We came together, so I thought
we'd leave together. Apparently not!

Guys, let's go!
We'll let them have fun.

Bye!

The 3rd time this week.

She's been very protective
since my divorce.

I see that.

I hadn't known many men.
I'd only slept with 4 guys.

And all in one wacky night.

How can a girl like you
be single?

I'm not single... I'm "multingle".

You don't marry
every guy you date.

I'm so much happier,
now that I'm divorced.

I can do what I want -

sing really loud,
eat all the ice cream,

spend hours in the bathroom.

Stop waxing my legs.
Fuck whoever I want.

Yeah. "Multingle", I got it!

And martial arts?

My father was European jujitsu champion.

He wanted a son
but he got a daughter.

So he made me
into an instrument of war.

-You can fight?
-Yeah!

Yeah! Watch out.
Ten years of Shotokan karate.

-Really?
-I'm fast!

Show me what you've got!

Oh, yeah!

Come on.

Yeah!

And now you can't move!

I can do whatever I want.

-Like what?
-Like this.

Because we're not...

Penguins!

Penguins!

Penguins!

Okay!

Ben! Finally!

He's been waiting for you all day!

Titi, why are you here?

Katy's gone.

Where'd she go?

In here.

A cocktail shaker?

No, Ben, it's an urn.

A funerary urn.

She's dead?

It's not fair!

I'm sorry.

But she'll live forever in your heart.

All you have to do is close your eyes
and you'll see her.

-I see her.
-See!

-Yes. Hey, Katy!
-There!

-You'll always be welcome here.
-Thank you.

Thank you...
I feel relieved already.

I'll let you two catch up!

-Thank you.
-See you later.

No...

Until next time!

Think I'm an idiot?

Ben, the Club, the parties,
the life you lead, I need that!

Katy's driving me nuts
with this baby thing! I'm outta sperm!

-Courage, Thierry!
-Thanks.

My dick looks like
an empty toothpaste tube.

My balls are like
two shriveled raisins.

Stop!
Don't show me your balls!

Don't tell them!

Why not just say you're divorced?

-Not a bad idea...
-Yeah!

I didn't think of it.

Now that she's dead,
she's dead!

Oh, Titi!

It's okay. Be strong!

Let's go watch the pole dance.

That'll cheer me up...

Yeah.

-Hello, ma'am.
-Go on, Titi.

Your buddy's great.
What dignity!

Water! Water, please!

Thanks.

Nice place!

I got it in the divorce.

I want your lawyer's number.

Thank you!

A Kool & the Gang T-shirt?

-You like Kool & the Gang?
-No.

No, I love Kool & the Gang!

Oh, no!

I love Kool & the Gang!
Since I was a kid.

-I went to their last concert.
-In Juan-les-Pins?

-Yeah!
-I was there, too!

You were there, too?

-Yeah!
-No way!

Let's see!

Emergency, 1984
"Fresh", "Cherish",

"Misled"... I love that!

Why do you think
I called my gym Ladies Fight?

I didn't pick up on that!

-I love that!
-How funny!

Come here!

Hi, you!

Hello!

About last night...
I didn't know you were...

What?
So flexible?

Coffee?

Coffee!
Breakfast for 3?

Is your girlfriend,
Chuck Norris, joining us?

-No, my son.
-You have a son?

His dad was supposed to pick him up
at the airport, but couldn't.

Anyway, I went.

It wasn't planned,
but I missed him so much.

He did a tennis workshop
in the Balearics.

A tennis workshop
in the Balearics?

-Tom!
-Yeah, Mom?

Breakfast!

Coming!

Oh, hell...

What're you doing here?

Whatever he wants.

A little respect, please!
Here...

Thanks.

It's your dad.
He's such a pain!

You two get acquainted.

Hello...

Does Dad know you're after Mom?

Your mother and I are just friends.

Then why are you in your undies
with a semi-chub?

Stop staring at my dick!

-Mom!
-Calm down!

Your parents are divorced!

Dad's uber in love with Mom!

I'll rat you out, predator!
Mom!

Stop!
Listen to me!

Is there...

...anything your parents won't buy you?

A William Tell Pro Fiberglass Crossbow
with Infrared Viewfinder.

A weapon?

-Yeah!
-No, I can't...

-Mom!
-Okay, okay!

Okay. Done!

-You okay?
-Yeah!

Why all the screaming?

-I love your new guy!
-He's cute.

That little mug is all you!

Ben!

I'm counting on you!

Where'd you spend the night?

At the office. I'm swamped.

Obviously!

See how much confidence you've gained
since you shook off that relationship?

Mario, your princess
is in another castle!

Goddamit! I knew it!

Stay for lunch!

No, I can't.
I'm swamped with work.

Sit for ten minutes!

It's war at the agency.

Patrick, Marion's here!

It's my ex.
She came for Tom's things.

I'll introduce you.

Sure.

You okay?
You don't look it?

Come meet my childhood pal.
He's great!

Where'd he go?

He was just here!

Dee, where is he?

Don't talk or I'll lose!

Michel, did you see him?

-You really have a roommate?
-I have lots.

Tom's bag...

Stay for lunch!

Don't start, Patrick.
I met someone.

That's great!
That's the magic of divorce.

It's none of my business!
Who is it?

No one you know.
But he's really good for me.

Forget about me
and take care of your son.

What happened?
You okay, Mr. Ben?

That damned Michel tried to drown me!

Sometimes he has a temper.

A temper?

He's a psychopath!

Since when do lemurs drown people?

Don't budge, I'll get the first aid kit.

Did your ex go?

What's wrong?

She met someone.

-I thought you didn't care.
-I don't. But that's no reason...

You're divorced now.
It's a new start.

A new life. She's free.

The bitch!

Patrick, it's been a year.
There's a statute of limitations.

No way!
Imagine my wife...

-Ex-wife!
-Okay, ex-wife...

screwing some jerk in my bed,
in the house I built!

That makes me wanna...

Hell!

Don't worry.

I'll find out who he is
and Helmut with take care of him.

Helmut?

Before becoming an assistant, he was in
the Legion. They called him "the cook."

Was he on KP?

Not exactly.

Dr. Helmut's here, Mr. Ben!

That's okay. It's superficial!
Don't touch me!

-What's with him?
-Who?

Mr. Ben!

Shit! You made me lose!
I've had it!

I'm going to my room!

What's going on?
Everybody's bonkers!

Okay...

Breathe deeply into your belly...

Make a mental image of the Hell
that was your other half.

Exhale from the belly...
And they're gone!

No, Patrick!
From your belly...

Not your nose.

She's gone,
but not far enough.

Let's start again.

Breathe in...

-Who's that?
-Oh, shit!

Let's eat out tonight.

I have to talk to you.

You're not gonna ask me
to marry you, I hope.

No...

I'm having dinner with Gisèle tonight.

Yeah. You know her...

I could cancel, but she won't like it.

No, then...

Or we 3 can have dinner together!

She'll be in bed by 9:30.

We can talk then.

Okay.

8 o'clock at The Potager.
They say it's a super vegan!

Vegan? Great!

I'll reserve a second place.
We'll be hungry.

You're dumb!

Ben!

Patrick!

I have to talk to you.

I do, too.
But now, I have an appointment.

Ben!
This is serious. Come here!

Ben...

Patrick...

Ben...

Patrick...

Ben, Ben, Ben...
What have you done?

Patrick, I swear, I didn't know...

Surprise!

Happy birthday!

Quiet, please!

My dear Ben...

I'm so happy
to have found you again

that I wonder
how I ever lived without you!

You can always count on me!

Because our friendship
is true, sincere, honest.

-Bravo!
-Now, that's friendship!

So...

to thank you for your friendship,

all the club members
chipped in to give you...

to give you a celebration

-or rather, a celebration -

with Kool & the Gang!

Oh, my God!

Holy shit!

How'd you ever get them?

They're super nice!
Super expensive, but super nice!

I'm blown away!

I'm choked up, too.
They're my wife's favorite band.

-Ex-wife...
-Same thing.

No, it's not.

Yes, it is.

No, it's not the same!
No, no!

This is great!
A concert?

What are you doing here?

Mom said I could come over.

Titi, cut it out!

-Please!
-Hey, you little brat! What's up?

Ben, tell him to let me to stay
for your party. Go on!

Sure, I'll watch over him!

-Huh?
-Sure!

I'm crazy about Tom!
Right, kiddo?

It's your birthday!
Kool & the Gang's here.

You're not gonna babysit!

Precisely!
In repayment for your gift.

Okay...

-No alcoholic beverages!
-Obviously!

Are you nuts?

-What?
-Not here. And just one!

-Really?
-Really.

Dad! Ben's after Mom!

Shut up, shut up!
Okay.

But shut your trap.
Please.

By the way, awesome crossbow!
Thanks, pal.

Great...

Shit...

Where you going?
Have a drink with us!

-Helmut!
-No, no...

Look what Albane got me!
A Helmut special!

Okay, just one.

Let's party!

I'm so wiped out!

LUC:
Where the hell are you?

Where you going?

To the john.

-I'll come with you.
-No!

Love ya!

Shit!
Now how do I get out?

You guys are real pains!

Godammit!

Oh, shit!

Oh, shit!

Shit...

Oh, Patrick!

Hello, I'm meeting two women.

Sweetheart!

-Gisèle...
-Hi.

-Where were you?
-Trying to park!

I'm parked at the ends of the earth.

It's just an expression.

I'm not really parked
at the ends of the earth!

What's that getup?
Have you been drinking?

Bingo! I had a drink.
It's my birthday!

My friends surprised me.

"Happy birthday, Benny!"
"Pump it up!"

-So we had drinks.
-It's your birthday?

You didn't tell me!
I made no plans. Now I feel dumb.

Don't worry.

Even I forgot I was born today.

This is all I have for you!

What a gift!

This may not be
the best birthday restaurant.

Happy birthday!
This won't be the same kiss.

You smell good!
What's your scent?

-Dior, Eau Sauvage.
-Really?

Well, you sure smell like a slut!

Gisèle, are you kidding?
Cut it out.

No, I'm not kidding.

Camille wore the same perfume
when she cheated on me.

Hey, chill out, will you?

-I am chill.
-Come on!

Look, I ordered

some nice tapas to begin!

That's cashew cheese,
Napa cabbage

and tofu with shallots.

What a feast!

And to drink?
Shall we milk some almonds?

Very funny...
No, I'm kidding.

They don't serve booze,
so we ordered wheatgrass tea.

Grass? Yippee!

-Let's see?
-Taste it.

Can you make an effort?
Chill...

I hear you know
the host of House Hunters.

Yeah. Let's not talk shop!

Sure, I know him.

He's just like anybody else.

It's true.

PATRICK:
Time to cut the cake!

Shit!

What's wrong?

Work... A client crisis.

BEN:
Coming!

He's wondering if it's "net seller"
or "agency fees included"?

What suspense!

-Funny.
-Let's have dinner another time.

Tonight seems complicated for you.

Hold on!

I'll deal with the task at hand
and be back in a flash!

I'll go out to call.
It's so loud in here.

Hello?
Hello, Mr. Sanchez.

Yes, Mr. Catala.

Shit!

He's alive!

Yes, papa!

Who doesn't have a mask?

-Put this on!
-No!

I'm not wearing a mask.
I have to go to the john!

I can't see a thing!

-I have something for you!
-I have to pee!

-Drugs?
-No, antidepressants!

You'll see!

One line,
and you wanna befriend a bear!

But I don't wanna befriend a bear.

I'm not taking that!

Albane, I don't take that stuff.

Inhale! It's legal.

Okay, but just one!

See?

I love it!
I feel like getting laid!

LUC:
I'm getting worried!

Come on! Move!

I have an appointment.
Excuse me, sir.

Have a nice evening, guys!

Hello, ma'am!
Get outta my way!

Hello, I'm meeting the girls.

Not here... Sorry.

You're not pretty!
There you are!

Goodbye, Mr. Sanchez.

Blablablah...

The guy wouldn't stop talking!

I finally had to hang up on him.

I said,
"I'm dining with friends!"

Ben, what game are you playing?
What is that?

-What?
-That!

The "maxs"!

The zipper!
Son of a bitch!

Damn zipper...

-Ben...
-Hell!

Come on!

There!

Why are you wearing a mask?

Because...

I was outside, calling Mr. Sanchez,

and a Pakistani guy
was selling roses and "maxs"!

So I said, "I'll take a 'maxs'."

Leather lasts longer than flowers.

For you, Gisèle!
It goes with your look.

Who ate all my tofu?

Hey! Tofu!

That's enough!

Calm down.
You're pathetic now, okay?

You're not so hot, yourself!

I'm gonna beat the shit outta him.

Gisèle, calm down!
Sit down!

-Okay.
-What's going on, Ben?

I'm hot! I'm having a reaction
from that wheatgrass!

Sorry, we're leaving.

Ben, you have to go home.

Get out
before I hammer you!

-Gisèle, stop!
-Gisèle, wait!

I have another present for you...

You'll like it.
I really like you, that's why...

-Ben...
-Wait, babe! The present...

-Hello!
-Very funny.

I'll see you again.
I swear.

No, I wanna stay with you!

I love you!
I wanna make babies!

We'll talk about that tomorrow.

You need a good night's sleep.

You're right.
I drank too much, I should go home.

-Okay.
-I'm sorry...

I'm a shit.

MISSING PERSON

And a liar.

A liar?

I'll explain tomorrow.

I'll call you an Uber.

No, I can do that alone.

Hubert!

Careful.
See you tomorrow.

Kisses...

Where to?

-Stop!
-What?

-I'm parked here!
-Already?

Kisses!

Forward!

Shit!

D'you run over the bikes, asshole?

Screw you, asshole!

Wait. You'll see!

You're not so smart now,
you bastard!

Come on, buddy!

Very nice!

No, princess!
You're at the wrong party!

The bunny-hop bash is next door!

Very funny.
But I'm not at the wrong bash!

I'm Katy Lemaitre.
I know my husband's here.

I geolocated his iPhone.
Thierry.

There is a Thierry here,
but he's a widower.

-Yeah.
-His wife is dead.

-Where is he?
-There!

That a wedding ring?

Yeah. In homage... To Katy.

-She's up there.
-She'd have wanted me to party on.

She loved to party, herself.

So much!
I miss you, my love!

Titi...

To Katy!

To Katy, the party animal!

To Katy, the party animal!

So I'm dead, am I?
You filthy piece of shit!

That's your seminar?

A bunch of sluts?

No, Katy, you're mistaken!
No harm done.

We're coworkers, talking shop!

Get out of there!

Katy, please...

Get out of that Jacuzzi
or I'll eat you alive!

Out!

They're naked!

They're naked!

I'm gonna kill you!

I'll cut that thing right off!

This is paradise!
Leave me alone!

I'm staying here!

Is there a fight?

Just desserts!

Help!

I want a divorce!

We're never getting a divorce.
Never!

-No!
-Shut up!

Come on!
We're not gonna stay here!

What is this shit?

Why are you here?

I came for my son.
He ran away.

I knew it!

Mom...

I don't believe it!

Mom...

Look at me.
Has he been drinking?

You really are a jerk!

And what's that?

We agreed, Patrick.
No crossbow!

I didn't buy that for him!

It's me!

My Ferrari!

You took it out of the garage?

Patrick...

What did you do?

Next to nothing.
It's an optical illusion.

The handbrake!

The handbrake!

No!

Shit!

My Ferrari...

Shit, shit, shit!

I should've stayed with Hubert...

He demolished it.

Don't worry, Patrick!
I'll buy you another one.

I'll get you one on eBay.

Identical!
I swear!

Ben?
What are you doing here?

Marion!

You've met?

Shit.

What are you doing
with my ex-husband?

He lives here.
We're buddies!

-What?
-Well...

How do you two know each other?

Stop!
I'll explain everything!

Benny, sweetie! There you are!

How I've missed you!

This really isn't the time.

When I didn't hear from you,

I feared you were getting cold feet
about the wedding.

-No way!
-It's not what you think.

She's a nut job!

I can put up with anything.
But not disrespect!

Have fun at your Divorce Club!
Loser!

And don't ever call me again.

-Come on.
-Marion!

Don't touch me!

Divorce Club?

Bravo!
That goes for you, too. Nice example.

Nut job or not, she's right.
You are a loser.

And I thought you were honest.

I never want to see you again, Ben.
Never.

-Marion...
-And you, don't move!

I didn't know she was your ex
when we met. I swear!

You mean you're the one who...

Didn't you know
the Ferrari was mine, either?

The two things I said not to touch!
Didn't I warn you?

Get out! Judas!

We gave you everything, Ben.

Everything.

We trusted you, bro.

Trust a man?

Even the blind prefer dogs.

I idolized you, Ben!

Don't move!
We got you, you bastard!

Now we're tough guys, is that it?

Come with us!
Step on it!

Super...

Am I gonna do time?

That depends on the judge.

Ben Catala...
Please stand.

In addition
to revoking your driver's license,

and forbidding you to drive for 2 years,

I charge you with €10,000 in fines,

€10,000 in damages and

six months in prison,

one month without parole.

That's quite a price to pay
for screwing your buddy's wife.

Ex-wife.
And I told you, I didn't know.

Why'd you come?

To pick you up.
You have no license.

I came for an apology.

Then you can go.

I came to offer mine.

I think I'm a penguin, too.

Sorry for lying to you.

For making you think
divorce was good.

I was trying to hide.

To avoid admitting
that I screwed up my own marriage.

We do what we can.

Thank you.

Ben...

She's the mother of my son.
I want her to be happy.

I'd rather see her happy with you,
my friend, than unhappy with me.

Especially if that makes you happy.

That's nice.

But it's too late.
She never wants to see me again.

Me, either. She'll get over it.

It's the opening
of Ladies Fight.

She's booked a fight.
It's now or never!

It's ridiculous. Another time.

There is no other time.

Then she's going on vacation
with Tom. To Brazil.

I'm sure she wants to see you.

You really think so?

I know her better than you.

Come on, it'll be fun.

-You're a pain!
-Come on!

Surprise!

We missed you, Mr. Ben!

Classy, man! You've done time!
You're a man now!

Poor sweetie, you look awful.
Come here!

We were too hard on you.

You needed a lesson,
but not that much.

Cut the mush!

Let's go, before it's over.

-How bad was it?
-Were you sodomized?

-Nice!
-Tell all!

Yeah!

Come on, let's go!

There she is!

That's her!

Go on!

She's busy. It's ridiculous.
She'll send me packing!

Hey, you're a man!

And the winner is...
Sarah Belalla!

Don't be a coward, Mr. Ben!
Take a chance!

I have an idea.
Let's do this right!

May I? It's important.

-Who's she?
-No idea.

I'll just be a sec.
Thanks.

Hello, everyone. Excuse me...

Please give a big hand to Ben Catala!

How could she?

-No way...
-Go on!

-Go on, Ben!
-Go, Mr. Ben!

-Go on!
-Come on, Ben!

I knew this would be fun!

Ben Catala!

What do you want?

To ruin our opening?

-Not at all.
-What do you want?

To say I'm sorry.

The mic! We can't hear you!

I'm sincerely sorry.

I didn't tell you I knew Patrick
because I was afraid I'd lose you.

-Both of you.
-Chicken!

Clown!

Let him talk!

I was a jerk to lie,

but one thing is true.

I'm crazy about you.

You stink!

Let him sing!

Get lost!

No, no, no!

I love you.
Let me fight to prove it.

-Yeah, fight!
-In the cage!

In the cage!

In the cage!

No, what I mean is...

Fight to win you back,
not really fight.

No! Really fight!

I'm not gonna fight you.
I love you.

Then fight me!

It's ridiculous,
but if that's what you want...

If that's what you want,
then let's fight!

I'm as excited as Harvey Weinstein
before a casting call!

Hot damn!

Here we go!

I've waited for this a long time!

I'm 6-foot-4, 198 pounds.
You'll go crying to mama!

You're gonna look like a Picasso
in 2 minutes flat.

-Asshole!
-Easy!

Calm down!

No eye poking,
no hits to the chest

or balls,
no biting or hair pulling.

-Understood?
-Yes!

Go!

You'll see!

Go, Gisèle!

Shit!

No!

What did I say?

Get up!

Get up, Gisèle!
You're a man!

Blood, Gisèle! Blood!

That's it, Gisèle!

Beat the shit outta him!

Help!

Gisèle, calm down! Stop!

Stop!

Gisèle, stop!

Hit the floor!

Don't give up.
You're a man.

Yes, I give up!

Stop!

I'm stopping the fight!

Stop!

Ben! Are you okay?

I'll never lie to you again.

That wasn't necessary.

If I had to do it again, I wouldn't.

Are you an idiot, or what?

We could have just talked over dinner.

You're leaving for Brazil!

Brazil? No, I'm not!

I just opened my club.
I can't go on vacation!

You bastard!

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Easy, easy!

I think I'm a fifth wheel here.

Promise we'll stay friends
and never shack up together.

Promise. For life.

Do I have the hots for you!

Thanks, that's nice.

-I'm going aboard.
-See you in a few.

Michel!
What are you doing here?