Dish Dogs (2000) - full transcript
Two friends travel from town to town taking jobs as dishwashers until they both find love and must choose separate paths.
Captioning made possible by
trimark home video
[Bubbling water]
* I got the weekend off,
and the summer's set *
* believe it's about time
to breeze *
* with the ragtop down
we can do anything *
* there's no place
I would rather be *
* I can guarantee nothing,
this view will do *
* past time to let it go
* this place is always alive,
and it's the bottom line *
* it's my freedom above all
* ohh...It's out of sight
* it couldn't be better
I got today *
* out of sight
* wheel and deal
'cause I'm free tonight *
* till the summer sets
* till the summer sets
* watch the ladies dance,
got a beer in my hand *
* it's all good, it's life
* plus movin' play,
she's top of the line *
* my freedom above all
* ohh...Out of sight
* couldn't be better
* livin' the life
* wheel and deal
'cause I'm free tonight *
* till the summer sets
* yeah...Till
the summer sets *
* ohh...Hey...Yeah
* it couldn't be better
dishwashing is to me
a soapy salvation--
rejuvenation of my soul,
a recuperation
from my upbringing,
rejection of
the bourgeoisie,
and the reclamation
of my free will.
Now, listen,
when you're done,
make sure that
you spray the dishes.
Come here,
come here, come here.
Spray the dishes off,
right?
This thing will
sanitize them,
but it won't
really wash 'em.
Never sacrifice quality
for speed.
Listen to him closely,
for the master
of dishdogging
comes but once
in a lifetime.
Chip!
Chip.
Chip.
Chip.
Whoa!
Whoa!
Whoa!
He takes
control,
and he shoots,
he scores.
How come your friend
won't go out with me?
Is he...You know?
Morgan? He's
a philosopher.
Oh, well,
doesn't that mean
he's supposed to know
a lot about love and stuff?
Morgan, he knows
all the great philosophers.
Hey, those are clean.
He's just trying to come up
with his own new and improved,
like, better philosophy.
Really?
Yeah.
His own
philosophy?
Oh, yeah.
Put the rag between
your thumb and forefinger.
Thus. All right?
Yeah, see,
that's the only way
you can get in
the pantheon of greats.
You have to come up with
your own shit.
That's good.
You should be able
to see yourself in there.
See your reflection.
See a reflection?
What a shame.
All that devotion,
and no girl's
gettin'
the pleasure.
I'm not like him.
I don't know
how you do that.
I don't know
how you just pass up
on beautiful girls
like that.
Well, I refuse to be
controlled by my libido.
What's so difficult
to understand about that?
Jason, if we can't be
above our animalistic desires,
we have no business calling
ourselves philosophers.
Yeah,
but how do you know
a fiery
sexual experience
with that bitchin'
little ukulele
is not gonna unleash
this wild epiphany
that we've been
searching for?
How many times
do I have to tell you?
I'm not interested in a string
of meaningless conquests.
My ability
to exercise free will
has maximum
expressive potential
when guided by
principles and ideas,
not by bodily functions
and sentimental emotions.
What are you doing?
You're standing there.
Here, take this and go
fill it up with dirty dishes.
Ok?
Do something,
you rookie.
Muchachos!
Hey, Roberto!
Ay-ay-ay!
You're almost done al--
look at this place!
Oh, this is fantastic.
Hey, how's
the new guy doing?
He, uh--
he rules.
We're humbled.
Whoa!
Are you sure
you can't stick around
for a little while longer?
I'll give you a raise.
No, thanks.
The open road beckons.
I got a restaurant to run.
Oh...try the fish tacos
on the way out.
The grouper,
but don't grope her.
Adios, amigos!
Ay! Ay! Aoww!
It's a fish joke.
Jason: Maybe we should,
like, go to Nevada.
That'd be great.
Gambling,
free cocktails,
death valley's cool.
I was kinda thinkin'
about the Oregon coast.
You know...
The expansiveness
of the ocean,
the mystical quality
of the early morning fog.
Oregon?
The wedding's
on Saturday.
There's no way we're
getting up to Oregon
and back
by Saturday.
What day is today?
Thursday.
No way.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure
it's Thursday.
I don't care. David's
not gonna get married.
He's not crazy.
It's not gonna happen.
It's gonna happen.
Duh.
I can't believe David
is going through with it.
He's had a year
to think about it.
It's not that I mind
goin' back,
but the hypocrisy
is killin' me.
I mean, it's bad enough that
I have to attend a wedding,
something totally contrary
to my beliefs...
But David still wants me
to be the best man.
It's a good thing you thrive
on moral dilemmas then, huh?
It's worse than
a moral dilemma.
It's a crisis
of conscience.
Want a bite?
No, thank you,
I'll pass.
What are you,
a vegetarian?
Bite it!
No. You eat your food.
I'll worry about myself,
all right?
What are you gonna do
if you see Molly?
She'll probably be
at the wedding.
There's man...
And then there's
Superman.
Both: Bring 'em above all.
Mmm.
Uh, uh, uh.
Holy shit.
[Snapping fingers]
Hey, what are you doin'?
If we don't concentrate
and rigorously pursue
our epiphany,
we will never
assume our place
in the pantheon
of greats.
Are you listening to me?
Yes.
You didn't hear
a word I said, did you?
Yeah, the pantheon...
But what if our epiphany
never comes?
Kerouac, burroughs,
Thoreau...
None of 'em had it easy.
But how long does it take,
like, an average philosopher
to have his great epiphany?
Maybe a lifetime.
See, that sucks.
Shoot.
Hey, check it out,
man.
That was a lot of truck
for the money.
No doubt.
[High sing-song voice]
Hello, professor frost.
Marriage?
I think George Bernard Shaw
said it best when he said,
"marriage is to me
an apostasy,
"a profanation of
the sanctuary of my soul.
An acceptance of defeat."
Heh.
"I shall change from a man
with a future,
"to a man with a past.
"I shall merely be
somebody's property...
"And damaged goods at that.
A secondhand man at best."
See, each time
I wash a dish,
it's one less trip
to Disneyland I have to take
with my ingrate kids.
With every pot I scrub,
it's one less mortgage payment
I have to make.
Bravo.
Bravo, that's it.
See, you guys,
you guys have chosen...
To ask the most
dangerous question
ever invented by man.
Why?
Why? Why?
Why am I here?
Why was I born?
Why?
Why?
Because--because
with every generation,
there are always
those certain few
that can follow
their own path,
their own--
their own destiny.
If they're lucky,
one day,
they find a small piece
of truth, inner truth,
and it makes
the simplest things better.
Food will have
a different taste.
Songs seem to be
more in tune.
For the first time,
pieces of this--this...
Crazy Jigsaw puzzle
we call a life
will fit together better.
That's exactly why
we're so committed
to seeking out and
finding our epiphany.
Epiphany? Well...
I guess you can call it
an epiphany if you want to.
Yeah, so, uh, shall we
let the fiesta...Begin?
Ay! Ay! Ay! Ay!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey,
how about that?
Shane the brain!
Love your partner.
What's up?
And the condemned man!
Professor frost:
Hello, Shane.
What's up, man?
The journey,
baby.
David.
Well, you haven't
thrown up on yourself.
Hey,
I'm not as scared
as you all
programmed me to be.
You know why?
Because you're
in shock.
Listen, fellas, your money's
no good tonight, ok?
This is all on me.
It's the least I can do
for this young man
who, tomorrow morning,
gets to say those
wonderful words...I do.
And then, spends
the rest of his life
saying, yes, dear!
[Laughing]
All right, come on.
Get inside.
[All talking at once]
[Rock music plays]
[Hooting]
Hey, guys,
bring a round!
Emcee: And that was
the delicious candie sweet.
And upcoming,
our mistress of intrigue,
our own avenging angel,
antoinette.
Crowd: Yeah.
* falling leaves
* tantalizing colors
* of the Autumn breeze
* ever-changing patterns
in this lusty breeze *
* finally we're together
* it will never cease
* sister, who
* come and change
all my senses *
* pardon me, you
* present, past,
and future tenses *
* stay
* learn to love
* stay
* it's like a dream
* ecstasy
* lovin' hand
will keep me *
* and will always be
emcee: Remember, gentlemen,
tonight is
2-for-1 call drinks
and 2-for-1 lap dances.
Put your hands together
and let your libidos go
for the lovely lolita.
[Hooting and whistling]
Hey!
Bro?
Dude,
is this your job?
It's more than a job,
my friend.
It's a career.
I bet you don't
get bored, huh?
Can't get bored
with bliss, my brother.
Hey, play some funk.
You got it.
Comin' up.
Nature
deliberately separates
the mind and the body.
Otherwise,
there'd be personal
and social anarchy.
So you're saying
that the body
has nothing at all
to contribute.
That's right.
No, that's bullshit.
You can't separate
the mind from the body,
unless you're
Dr. Frankenstein.
You want
a perfect example
of what
I'm talking about?
Look at that stripper
over there. All right?
Her mind and her body
are definitely separate.
Her body is looking
at that weird dude
and saying,
"oh, I want to do you."
And her mind is saying,
"god, I hope
I can make my rent.
I shouldn't have
taken off Thursday."
He's right, you know.
I mean, obviously,
the mind and body are one.
Would either of you
like a lap dance?
Uh...
[Clears throat]
Talkative bunch,
aren't we?
No, thank you.
Sorry.
Don't be sorry.
Regrets are
a waste of time.
No, I just--
I didn't mean
to offend you.
You offend me?
Don't worry about it.
Anne, are you, uh,
dancing or chatting?
A little of both.
Mm-hmm. Well, I would say
that there is more money
in the former.
Hey!
Sir, there are rules
of this house.
Here. Read the sign.
It says "no touching"!
He's good.
Yeah.
We're the yin.
He's the Yang.
Comin' through.
Watch out!
Enjoy the show.
[Laughing]
Sit down.
We got a lotta
show yet.
All right. All right.
Which one of you guys
is gonna try
the body shot?
Guys: Ohh!
Are you ready, baby?
I'm so ready.
Morgan, take one.
Go ahead,
Morgan, please.
Morgan.
Shane:
Yeah, man, come on.
Be right back.
Be right back?
Oh, come on, you guys.
The bachelor will
take one, please.
I've been ready
my whole life for this.
Oh, my god.
Professor frost: This is
the end of western civilization
as I know it.
Oh, my god.
Wiggle? Not the wiggle.
[Clears throat]
I don't know what
you got on your mind,
but your body
better step back.
I just came out here
for some fresh air.
Got a cigarette?
No, I don't smoke.
Right.
I'm thinking
of starting, though.
What?
Smoking.
Why?
Well, you get to use
a lot more of your sick days,
and you die a lot younger,
and the next time
a beautiful girl
sticks a gun in my face
and asks for a cigarette,
I'll have one to give her.
One point for you.
Hi, my name is Anne.
Morgan.
Morgan?
Yeah.
The man whose mind
controls his organ.
You don't believe me?
[Coughs]
Simple rule of nature:
Breasts are a magnet
to a man's eyes.
I guess there's no
been there, done that
when it comes to breasts.
Same rule applies
to crotches.
Trust me.
Do this job long enough,
and you'll have
a really clear picture
of just how connected
the mind and body are.
Heh. Yeah...
But the great minds
have taught US
that the, uh,
the wider the gap
between stimulus and response,
the more enlightened
the individual.
Really? So,
following that logic,
the average dead guy's
more enlightened than you.
[Chuckles]
2 points for me.
Wait a minute.
You've just taken a valid
philosophical concept
and reduced it
to an absurdity.
No, I didn't.
I simply pointed out
a fundamental flaw
in your logic.
Can I ask you
a question?
Sure.
What exactly do you
do for a living?
I'm a dishwasher...
And I'm on a quest.
To find...
My epiphany.
Right.
No, it's true.
Washing dishes simply
allows me that pursuit.
Did something horrible
happen to you
in your childhood?
Uh, heh...
I don't know why i'm
telling you any of this.
Wow.
I was simply
making a joke.
See ya around, babe.
Get one for
Mr. Frost over there.
No, no, no, thank you.
Thank you.
I have a weak heart.
Are you ready?
Yeah.
Oh, my god,
drink that shot.
Ahh!
Want another one?
I do, I do. I do!
David...david?
I do.
Not yet, David.
Do you take this woman
for richer, for poorer,
in sickness and in health,
till death do you part?
About what it's gonna
take to get out of it.
Anyone here can see
any reason why these two
should not be joined
in holy matrimony,
let them speak now or
forever hold their peace.
Then...
I now pronounce you
husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
Kiss of death.
[Sexy whistle]
Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. and Mrs. Martinez.
[Wedding march plays]
[Tapping glass]
Well, I guess it's tradition
for the best man
to give a speech,
so here goes.
Uh, all of US guys agree
that Karen's a great catch
for David.
Which is, I guess,
why he's decided
to sacrifice his principles
to be with her.
I always thought
he was too smart
to go for this
whole marriage thing,
but, um...
But he's made his choice,
and it's a good one.
I love you, man.
And Karen...
You're the best.
I hope you're both
ultra-happy.
And with that, I'd like
to propose a toast...
To Mr. and Mrs. Martinez.
Salud.
Huzzah!
[Playing la bamba]
Ahh.
Hey, Jason,
how ya doin'?
Hi, Jason Fletcher,
and you are?
Aaron Mitchell.
I'm Molly's date.
It's only 'cause
I let her go.
Heh heh heh.
That's not the way
she tells it, Jason.
So, um...
Wanna dance?
Um...
Sure.
Thank you.
Can you hold this?
Oh, yeah, sure.
Ha.
Ooh. Sorry.
It's a fast song.
So, who's the, um...
Who's the stiff?
If you can't
say anything nice,
don't say
anything at all.
Besides,
wasn't it you who said
that for every minute
we're angry,
we lose 60 seconds
of happiness?
All I'm askin' for
is one minute. Ok?
So what are you doin'
besides the stiff?
I'm working,
thank you very much.
Working?
Where are you working?
Oh, yeah,
a management training
program at sunkist.
You didn't know?
You serious?
Yeah.
Oh, you'll be
a good manager.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
So, what about you?
Your career plans
any more focused?
Morgan, fast food,
styling.
As always.
[Song ends]
Hey!
One more.
I don't think
it's a good idea.
Please.
What is my date
gonna say?
I don't care what
your date's gonna say.
How am I gonna feel
going home with him?
Don't go home with him.
So, who'd you
bring tonight?
Morgan.
Heh.
[Playing la cucaracha]
I can't believe David's
the first to fall.
He went soft on US.
Imagine, the next time we smoke
one of these with David,
it'll say,
"it's a boy" on it.
Uhh.
A married philosopher
is a figure of comedy.
Both: Nietzsche.
Yeah.
[Song ends]
I can appreciate that.
I got 2 spots open.
One for kitchen manager
during the day...
And the other one
for assistant at night.
Now, don't say no without
even thinking about it.
Dean, I've
thought about it.
That's why
the answer's no.
Come on, you boys
are college-educated.
Don't you realize
the security
of the opportunity
I'm offering you?
Security's overrated.
I mean, there's
security in jail.
Don't you boys
want a career?
That's where we differ.
We have a career.
You call washing dishes
a career?
It's not about
washing dishes.
It's about aspiring
to greatness.
Heh. I'll be back.
[Sigh]
Jason, i--
I knew Morgan
wouldn't go for this,
but I felt I had
to offer it to you
because
you're partners.
I want you to know
that the offer
is still open to you...
Solo.
I appreciate that.
I mean, I really do.
It's just that
we're young now.
You know,
and this is like...
Like a...
Great adventure.
I mean, you must've had
somethin' like that
when you were our age,
right?
Yeah, yeah, sure.
World war ii.
Jason, you were
a business major.
I'm offering you
an opportunity
to take over
my family business.
I never had children...
And you never had
a father.
Aside from me,
there's no one that loves
the outback restaurant
more than you do.
Hey...
So you're not Jewish,
who cares?
It's a new millennium.
You know, listen,
just think about it,
all right?
I will.
We'll talk about it later.
All right.
Take care.
Yeah.
We're out of here.
What?
Let's go.
Oh, um, actually,
you know what?
I'm gonna hang out
with Molly for a while.
It's no big deal.
Just grab a ride tomor--
later--tonight.
Have it your way.
Heh. I will.
[TV plays]
Hey.
Hey.
You got
a cigarette?
No, you don't smoke,
remember?
Pretty good.
Yeah.
So, what?
Did you miss me,
or did you finally
psych yourself up
for that lap dance?
No, no, no, no, no.
I don't want a lap dance.
I want to--
I want to talk to you.
Oh, I got it.
You want to rescue me
from the dragon.
Come on, do you
really think all guys
are that transparent?
What was your name again?
Morgan.
Right.
The dishwasher.
You think you would have
remembered my name
if I wore an Armani suit
and told you
I came from money?
Think all strippers
are that transparent?
Look, I know
you think it's funny
that I'm a dishwasher
who's a philosopher,
but you gotta
understand something.
I've made
a conscious choice
to design a lifestyle
that will support
my philosophical
aspirations.
You see, to most people,
washing dishes is
a low-paying menial job.
It's not to me.
To me, it's a ritual
with deeply spiritual
implications.
Like the tea ceremony.
Exactly. Exactly.
See,
that's why I'm here.
I wanted to, uh...
I wanted to come here
to tell you that.
So you'd know.
Well, this is fascinating.
Thank you.
So, I guess
I'll see you around.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Uh...Wait a minute.
Wait. Um...Look.
Here.
I want to show you
an example,
a demonstration.
$20.
Hey, it's your money.
DeWitt.
This guy wants to, um,
wash something.
He gave a $20 for it.
Is it ok?
Uh...ok, but, uh,
nothin' kinky. Got it?
No problem.
Thanks a lot.
Thanks.
Great.
Uh...ok.
So, let's see.
You start
with a glass...
And, uh...
Plant your feet.
Take a deep breath.
See? Feel.
Go ahead.
You try one.
Grab a glass.
It's nice.
You're doing
really well.
See, you sorta
do the outside,
then you can get
the inside goin'.
It's pretty good.
It's kinda hypnotic
really.
[Breaking glass]
Hey! You two,
you know better
than to do that shit
around here.
Still think the mind
and body are separate?
Hey, guys!
Does he strike you as one
of the greatest thinkers
of our time?
[Laughs and groans]
Morgan, thanks for
washing our glasses.
[Honking horn]
[Honking]
Come on!
All right!
Bye.
I'll call.
I promise.
Drive safely.
I will.
I heard you
the first time.
People
are sleeping.
Hey, that looks good.
Yeah, that looks good.
How about over here?
Yeah, nice.
Score.
Oh, ok, I got one for ya.
All right.
2 totally beautiful girls
want to go out with you,
which one do you choose?
That's not
a moral dilemma.
At best, it's meager
sexual politics.
Just answer the question.
I can't.
Just because they're
both equally fine
doesn't mean they're
both equally desirable.
You're not fully analyzing
the question, Mr. Philosopher.
All right, which one
would you choose?
I'd go out with the one
that finds me most desirable.
You're so
intellectually lax.
You're just pissed off
because I came up with one
that you can't answer.
Thanks very much.
Lily's, 18.
Belinda's 12.50.
Oh, hey, taveli's, hi.
I'm just curious about
how much my girlfriend and I
might spend if I took
my fine little foxy lady
to your abode?
8--8 and a quarter?
Thank you.
Shave diller's
bar and grill, 22.50.
Sh--
Henry's house of hash.
Don't even ask.
35 bucks a plate,
e.J.'S bistro.
Oh, yeah!
So we prefer
to be paid in cash
at the end
of every shift,
and we may only be here
for a couple of days,
but we offer
a few guarantees.
One--we won't walk out
on the middle of a shift,
and 2--we'll give you
at least 24 hours' notice
before we take off.
Tell you what,
if you guys wash
half as good as you talk,
you're in.
Hey, hey! Rah!
There we go.
Pleasure to, uh--
dishwasher's
in the back.
Get to work.
Mr. E.J.,
you will not be sorry.
Dude, this guy's
dishwasher's a boner.
Well,
what do you expect?
That bad boy's over
20 years old.
Wash 'em again.
If he doesn't
turn on the ac,
I am gonna pass out.
Hey, Jason,
do you think
we're workin' hard
enough on our epiphany?
I mean, there's probably
some more tangible steps
we should be taking.
Did you know that
Alexander the great
was 23 years old when
he's already conquered
most of
the civilized world?
That's like Jimi Hendrix.
Jimi Hendrix was 23
when he wrote
are you experienced?
Wow.
Want one?
No, I'm full.
Hey, I'm gonna grab a beer.
Want a beer?
Now that I'll take.
UN cerveza, mi amigo.
Oh, you are the man!
Toy!
Hey.
You stole those beers,
and they're comin' out
of your pay!
All right,
fair enough,
but, um...
How is it that you
consider it stealing
your beers,
when neither one
of US have concealed
the fact that we're
drinking them...
In order to quench
our thirst and,
therefore,
do a better job for ya,
and we had the intention
of both informing you
that we drank the beers
and reimbursing
the register.
Yeah.
That's a really
slick answer.
Thank you.
The truth is...
You are not authorized
to help yourselves
to my beer!
No, the truth is,
that you have just
strong-armed
your way
into an honest
situation
and imbued it
with an intensely
negative energy
in order to
elevate yourself
and your own status in
front of your employees.
What the hell are you
talkin' about?
Get back to work!
Keep your hands off my beer.
That guy
is a dickwad.
Yeah, and
his plates are chipped.
Is that
a chipped plate?
Oh, you know, it could be
harmful for the customers.
Morgan,
thank you so much.
Oh, no, no, no. Morgan,
you can't lay there.
You're screwing up
the entire feng shui
of the tent.
Give it a rest, Jason,
I'm tired.
No, listen, your head
has to be towards the west
and your feet
towards the door,
in case ninjas attack.
The energy flows better
from your feet
to your head.
Good night, Jason.
Where are you going?
None of your business.
[Answering machine
beeps]
Hey, it's me.
Are you there?
Are you there?
Pick up the phone.
All right.
Well, I was just
calling to tell you
that I was
thinking about you and--
[puppy whimpers]
Oh. Hold on.
Hold on a second.
Huh.
Hey.
Hey.
Where's your mama?
Oh, come--come here.
Don't be scared.
I'm just a big tall guy.
My name's Jason.
Oh, you just peed.
Come on.
Hold on a second.
I got to hang up on Molly.
You want to say "hi"?
[High-pitched voice]
Hello. Hello.
Oh, my god.
You're the most
precious thing in the world.
Yes, you are.
Hey, I got a new friend.
I'll call you later.
Morgan:
How's Molly?
I want you
to take a second
and just
look at this.
[Jason laughs]
Whose is it?
He's an orphan.
I found him outside.
It's cold and dirty.
I think he should be
our new mascot.
Are you crazy?
Tell me you're not
actually considering
adopting that dog.
Why not?
It's an absolutely
nonessential responsibility.
That's why not.
Yeah. Well, it may not
be essential to you,
but it's essential to him.
It's a big world out there,
and he's just nothing
but a little dude.
We're trying to unload
our burdens, not add to them.
Shh. Don't scream.
It'll hurt his ears.
Oh, god.
No. No. No. I want you
to look him in the face
right now and say,
"hey, little guy,
"I will not be
responsible for you.
"I will not
take care of you.
I will not give you
a better life."
Little man, I will not
be responsible for you.
I will not take care of you,
and I will not give
you a better life.
He's just a big
old stupid Morgan.
Don't worry about him.
Take it back.
Take it back.
All right. All right.
I take it back...
But he's out of here
in the morning, all right?
Don't look at me
like that.
He stinks.
Jason: Oh, what are you
getting all antsy about?
You see a kitten?
Is that a kitten?
I shall call you...
Jeremiah.
I'll tell you what.
When we're on the road,
Morgan's gonna hook you up
with some knowledge, kid.
But don't worry about it,
'cause you and I
will see the world.
Beautiful cornfields, buttes.
You can chase birds.
And you'll be our watchdog.
And if there's any trouble,
you give 'em some of this.
Uhh! Argh!
How much money you got?
I think 24 bucks.
That's all you got?
That's all we got,
huh, buddy?
I bought gas yesterday.
Yeah, and I bought a tank
of gas, too. So what?
So, how much money
you got?
48 bucks.
You got more money.
Why you always lying
about your money?
Yeah, but i'm
not spending that.
That's for
emergencies only.
[Makes fart noises]
My god,
you found ralphie!
Oh! I thought you were
eaten by a big fat bear.
I was beginning to think
he was lost for good.
Thank you so much.
It was so great
of you to find him.
Yeah. You should've
heard him last night.
Oh, he was worried sick
about finding
the rightful owner.
Well,
I really appreciate it.
I don't know what to say
except you guys
are really...
Noble.
Yeah.
Bye.
Say bye!
Bye, ralphie.
I'm gonna miss that dog.
Don't mock my pain, bro.
Maybe I can find, like,
a squirrel or something.
Morgan: Dude, I got one
for you. You ready?
Jason: Yeah.
Can a truly
omnipotent god
create a rock so large
that he himself
couldn't move it?
Dude, it's not
even answerable.
Exactly.
My wave.
This is mine.
Get off my wave,
bro! Aah.
Morgan: Jason.
Yeah?
Don't leave me
hanging.
Uh, I'll be
right back.
Kreela,
give me 5 minutes.
Keep an eye on this.
Boy,
is that kitchen hot.
I know. I'm dying.
Forget about it. Here,
I brought you a coke.
Do you want--
thanks.
My name's Jason.
Bridget.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
This reminds me--
I'm reading
this book right now
called siddhartha
by Herman hesse.
And this moment
right here
is shockingly similar
to the moment
in the novel when--
Troy, this is--
this is Jason.
What in the hell do
you think you're doing?
Troy, please. He's
a dish dog, please.
This is my girl.
You new guys
come in here,
and you think
it's open season
on anything that moves.
Troy.
I have a question.
Since when
does an assistant cook
own the world?
Hyah!
Ow!
What happened to you?
Senseless violence occurred.
You, my friend,
are off your game.
Piss off. At least
I play the game.
I refuse to allow
your digressions
to distract me
from my destiny.
This dishwasher sucks.
You know,
at this rate, we're
gonna be here till dawn.
Yeah. The sprayer's blocked.
Calcium deposits.
Oh. Hey, e.J.!
What?
The, um, I'm sorry, sir,
but the machine's broken.
What do you want from me?
Wash 'em by hand.
What a sense
of humor he's got.
Why aren't you guys
doing anything?
The sprayer's calcified.
It needs to be maintenanced.
If I may?
Please.
What my partner's
driving at
is that the dishwasher
needs to be repaired
in order for US to
maintain an adequate supply
of clean dishes for you.
You fucking prima Donna
wannabe executives.
Shut up and do your job!
And remember, you said
you'd work a full day
no matter what.
Heh heh.
A foolish
consistency
is the hobgoblin
of little minds.
This calls for
civil disobedience.
It's a moral
imperative.
No solution.
No problem.
Jason, did you know
that for every thousand
hacking at
the branches of evil,
there is but one
striking the root?
Uh, I know this one.
It's Thoreau.
Bingo.
Right. Hey, Morgan.
I got a good question.
How deep exactly
do you think these
suds are gonna get?
Well, if you
calculate the volume
of this particular brand
of soap we're using
and factor in
that this dishwasher
is capable of cycling
2,000 cubic feet of water
in under an hour,
I'd say at least 5 feet.
Oh, my god! Bubbles!
I betcha we got
a new record on our hands.
E.j.: Aah!
What the hell
are you guys doing now?
Shut the machine off!
Shut it off!
Hey. We just work it.
E.j.: What?
Yeah. We don't
know how to fix it.
Hey!
Where are you going?
Hey. Hey.
Both: I blame you
for this.
E.j.: Where you going?
You can't
leave me like this!
Nobody walks out on me!
Nobody!
[Insect buzzing]
[Squish]
Morgan: You see that?
Oh...
It's a perfect example.
Your Karma has been
drawing violence to you.
And you, in kind, are
responding in violence,
thereby perpetuating
your own negativity.
I squished a bug,
Morgan.
Yeah, but--see,
the decision to kill,
whether it's a bug
or, you know, a baby,
it's just that--
it's a decision to kill.
A bug or a baby, bro.
All right. All right.
But the bug was bugging me.
All right. Bzzzzz!
So, I decided in turn
to just squish it.
Well, I'm glad you're
owning that decision.
Just do not underestimate
the karmic debt
you're accumulating
for yourself.
Oh, hold on a minute.
Hold on a minute.
I'm having an epiphany here.
Oh, gosh, look. Hey,
I'm channeling the bug.
[Babbles]
Jason, gosh.
It's me, the bug.
I'm on the other side,
bro.
Say, bro, I'm having
a great time in bug heaven.
There are chicks
everywhere and tubes.
Dude, go into the light,
buggy, buggy, go!
[Squeals]
[Grunts]
I felt it.
Did you feel him?
He was with US, brother.
Thank you for
taking me to the light.
Bye-bye, Jason.
I don't think
you have a full grasp
of the Karma situation,
dude.
Bye-bye, bug.
[Engine pings]
[Engine falters]
Whoa. What was that?
What does that mean?
Look how hot
it's getting.
I don't know--
what is this?
I don't know.
Just pull over!
Dude, that is not good.
That is not good.
Really? What was
your first indication?
I'm putting you in charge
of fixing the fucking thing.
Confucius, please get
to the side of the road.
You're in a mood
already, aren't you?
Aw, fuck!
Fuck. Shit.
There's, uh,
water in the oil, bro.
It's got a cracked head.
Hmm.
Great.
Well, it's at least 15
miles to the next town,
so walking is out.
Dude, looks like
waiting's in, huh?
Jason: Come on,
you piece of...
Hey, dude. I got it.
Ho--hey! Hey!
We got action!
You guys know
you're supposed
to put water
in these things?
Oh, gosh. Really?
Uh-huh.
Can get it for you,
but it's gonna
take a few days.
What, water?
Jase, I got it, buddy.
It's all right. I got it.
How much is it
gonna cost?
550 plus labor.
550?
Plus labor.
Forget the labor.
I can put that in.
Maybe you'd
like to sell her?
Dude, no. No. No.
Scarlett shall not be sold.
Would you excuse US
for just a second?
No. Oh.
What's he trying
to do, huh?
Look, we need him
right now, all right?
How much money you got?
Uh, like 12.50.
12.50. That's it?
We left in the middle
of a shift last night.
How much money
do you got?
Almost 50 bucks.
What about
the rest of it?
I told you, that's
for emergencies only.
Bro, why don't you turn
around and look at this guy
and tell me what exactly
constitutes an emergency?
Ever see deliverance?
[Laughs]
All right.
Come with me.
Uh...
Unfortunately, we've gotten
ourselves into a, uh,
somewhat of
a predicament here.
I was wondering
what you'd, um--
would you--
what would you think
about working out
some kind of a deal?
Yeah.
A deal.
All right. On 3.
Hey, you got time to lean,
you got time to clean.
You missed a bug.
Get it.
[Fly buzzing]
[Toilet flushes]
I blame you for this!
Hey. Come on.
This is heavy.
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.
Shit!
This sucks.
Hello?
Jason: Hey.
It's, uh, it's me.
I was just dying
to hear your voice.
Hey. Hey,
how are you doing?
You know. I'm fine.
Uh, so how's Morgan?
You guys married yet?
I'm not really sure
he's the right guy for me.
You know what--
hold on a second.
I think there's
somebody at the door.
[Knocks]
Ok. I'm back.
Who was it?
Aaron. You remember--
from the wedding.
You mean, like,
Aaron, argh?
Yo, I thought.
I mean, you said--
you said you guys were,
like, um, you know,
you were gonna,
like, dump him.
That's--i mean, that's
what you said, right?
Yeah. Well, you know.
I kind of wanted
to let him down easy.
Slowly, right.
Uh, oh, Aaron.
Aaron, come on in.
Come on in.
I'll be right with you.
Uh, you know what?
He's here so I have to go.
Ok.
All right.
Call me later, ok? Bye.
[Groans]
Unh unh unh unh unh!
Unh!
Hold it still,
all right.
Move it to
the left a little.
Dude,
I'm holding it.
[Drill revs]
That's my department.
It stopped.
You boys can't
be using my air.
Who is this guy,
a relative of yours?
Oh, you're just mad 'cause
he wouldn't sleep with you.
Now, what are
we gonna do?
[Sighs]
Will this help?
[Engine starts]
Hot toy, baby.
Morgan: Yeow!
Whoa!
It's a lot of truck
for the money.
So, dude, I was thinking
about heading up north,
maybe trying Canada.
Really?
I was thinking about,
um, you know,
maybe--maybe
going back to oxnard.
I don't want to
go back to oxnard.
So?
[Laughs]
I'm wasting my time
with you, dude.
So, what else is new?
What did you say?
Nothing.
What do you mean
"nothing"?
What does nothing mean?
Just that.
It means nothing, zero,
zip, zilch, uh, uh,
what's that--dadaism.
Is this about Molly?
That's none of
your damn business.
You know what, Jason?
There are 2 great tragedies
in this lifetime, my friend.
One is to lose
your heart's desire.
The other is to gain it.
Just another bit of wisdom
for you to get by on.
You know what, dude?
I am so tired of
your so-called wisdoms,
all right? So listen.
Wisdom this: Fuck you.
What did you say?
Which word
didn't you understand?
I mean, that's what you're
all about, right--words?
Words about this.
Words about that.
Morgan, no offense,
but I think you'd rather
talk about life
than actually live
the damn thing, buddy.
Bro, great example.
You see this chip?
Would you, "a"--
rather talk about
the potential yumminess,
bro, of this chip...
Or actually taste it,
smell it, salivate
over this beautiful,
little tiny chip?
Huh? Come on, Morgan.
Huh, what is it?
What do you want to do?
Live the chip, baby!
What the fuck do you want,
talk or feel?
Oh, I'm sorry.
You got to call frost
to talk about it?
See, if it was up to me.
Bro, you see this chip?
I want to taste it...
'Cause I think
personally that chip
tastes pretty
damn good to me.
So, do you want to
go to Canada or what?
It's cold in Canada,
bro.
I want to go to oxnard.
Shit.
Whatever, dude.
Don't
"whatever, dude" me!
Whatever.
Fuck you, whatever!
Hey, I'll just, uh--
I'll grab the rest
of my stuff later,
all right?
Morgan: Guess so.
Take it easy.
Molly!
What?
I was fast,
wasn't I?
No. No, you were perfect.
[Sighs]
Then why
are you so sad?
It's just that
it was so great.
The whole picket
fence thing, huh?
I just
love you too much.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Uh-uh.
Don't be sorry.
[Laughs]
Come here.
Kiss me.
Jason is addicted to Molly.
He can't even do his job
without thinking about her.
You should see him.
It's pathetic.
Or on the other hand,
you could say that, uh,
Jason has the courage to
challenge his own ideals.
His own ideals?
What about the commitment
to a quest?
You, uh, you two set out to
become philosopher-warriors.
Jason comes back a lover.
Now, where's
the tragedy in that?
It makes him weak.
In other words, just being
plain old ordinary normal,
that's--that's a bad thing.
I'd rather be dead.
Now, that sounds like
a recipe for tragedy.
Lighten up, Morgan.
Hey.
Just came to get some,
uh, cds out of Scarlett.
Knock yourself out.
You know, I decided to
take that manager's job
at the outback.
Well, that's how the cancer
of domesticity sets in.
I'm glad you're concerned
about my well-being.
I'm tired, man.
All we ever do is
drive and wash
and wash and drive again.
I--you know, nothing
ever really happens.
Maybe I'm not
a real philosopher.
Did you ever
think about that?
Do you ever think
that I, Jason,
am stopping you, Morgan,
from having, like,
our great epiphany?
Maybe I'm not
cut out to be this--
this real philosopher.
Maybe that's not what I am.
You're rationalizing
your emotions, dude.
Look, dude. I am
setting you free, man.
You don't have to explain
anything to me ever again.
There's nothing
holding you back.
You have no excuses.
What about
the exchange of ideas?
What about the
philosophical dialogue,
freedom above all?
I'm taking the job.
I'm sorry
if I bummed you out.
What about Scarlett?
I want you to keep her.
I kind of like the idea
we both still own her.
I mean, my god,
this has been the best
time of my life...
Like, ever.
Seriously.
I mean, you were
like a brother to me,
you know that?
I never had
a friend like that.
You taught me shit
I didn't even know
I needed to know.
It's like you accepted
me in the pantheon
of great philosophers,
and you and I
both know, man,
I am not made to be
in the pantheon
of great philosophers.
But you put me there.
Do you know how much
that means to me?
I love you, bro.
Come here.
That's great.
Just great.
[Rock music playing]
Boy, are you a glutton
for punishment.
I never thought
I'd see you again.
I just needed
a quiet place to think.
Why?
What happened to you?
Nothing.
Ok. Well, I'm off work,
so I'll see you around.
No!
I mean, stay, please.
Ok.
You know...
I'm sorry I was so
hard on you before.
It's just that we get so
many strange guys in here.
What happened?
It's a...
You know
my partner Jason?
He quit.
You know what?
I don't need to bore you
with this shit.
I'm out of here.
[Groans]
Give me your keys.
Anne: Ok.
Give me the keys.
You want--
can you do it?
Mm-hmm. No problem.
Be careful.
[Sighs]
I got it.
It goes straight.
I got it.
Ok.
[Crash]
Anne: Here you go.
Good. Good.
Here, the light.
Ooh. Oh, step.
Here,
I'll put you here.
Got it?
Mm-hmm.
Now,
that's the couch.
There you go.
Good boy.
Up. Oh,
there you go.
[Laughs]
Hi.
Oh, I'm sorry.
What a pleasant
surprise.
I'm Anne.
Your friend
got sort of trashed,
so I drove him home.
Well, that's very nice
of you to take care of him.
Yeah. He's kind of sweet
when he's quiet.
Uh, can I get you
anything?
Oh, no, thanks.
He just seemed
really sad.
Morgan and his buddy Jason
had kind of a pact,
which had assumed
mythological proportions
for Morgan.
The dissolution of
this pact has forced him
to do some serious
soul-searching.
He's having a hard time.
Well, he ought to know
that there's always hope.
"Even water in time
cuts through stone."
Confucius.
So, are all you guys
philosophers or what?
Well, we certainly try to
give the idea some calories.
Look, Anne.
Why don't you, uh,
don't you stretch out
on this recliner here?
Oh, no. I couldn't.
What? How are you
gonna get home?
Um, call a cab?
No. I'd never
forgive myself
for sending you out in
the middle of the night.
Well,
I'll get you a pillow.
It's like bungee jumping.
I'm not saying
I'm not going to do it.
It's just not something
I can see myself doing.
Yeah, but you say that
not 'cause you don't
want to get married,
but because you're
afraid you're not gonna
find the right guy.
Well, who knows if i'm
gonna meet the right person.
I mean, it's a gamble.
I'm not gonna
close my heart to it.
Well, I'm not
gonna do something
because my parents did it.
And I'm not gonna do it
because society tells me to
or because I get a tax break
or even when
my heart tells me to.
I'm going to do it
when it makes sense,
when my brain tells me to.
I think the heart
deserves equal time.
Elizabeth Barrett Browning?
No, me.
And thanks
for the compliment.
Eggs?
Oh, thank you.
Mm-hmm. And spuds.
No, thanks.
No potatoes for me.
I have to
watch my figure.
Well, I'd be happy
to do it for you.
If you wanted some,
why didn't you
just ask for 'em?
Oh, no, too fattening.
You're thin.
That's because I don't
eat fattening food.
No. You eat 'em.
You just don't have them
put on your plate.
Everything all right?
What do you mean?
All right with me,
all right with you,
all right here
in this room,
or on earth,
in the universe?
Morgan needs
more potatoes, please.
Can you explain
something for me?
Sure.
Why do you always answer
a question with a question?
Isn't that what
philosophers do?
Come on, Morgan.
It's never too late
to postpone your epiphany.
Anne: What do you think
of this one, Morgan?
In terms of what?
A bra.
It's a bra.
Come on. Help me
find something.
I want to wear
something you like.
What's not to like?
How about white?
Sure.
Sure. Do you
like turquoise?
Uh, yeah.
Turquoise is fine.
Any--you know, whatever.
Ok. I'm gonna
go try them on.
Ok.
Come on, Morgan.
Could you come
in here, please?
I don't think
I'm allowed back in there.
Morgan!
You know, I always sort of
envisioned women's apparel
as a sacred space,
you know. I...
Get in here!
Let's go.
Phew. My god.
Come on in.
Check it out.
I, uh, I shouldn't.
Come on.
You know you want to.
Yeah, but what does that
have to do with anything.
Really, I...
We should say
good-bye right here.
Please?
Ok.
[Anne laughs]
I never really knew my mom
so my dad was my whole life.
We moved around a lot
because he was in the army.
You know,
it was a good thing.
It helped me to be more
independent and open-minded.
Thanks.
Yeah.
After my dad died,
I came to this realization.
I realized that the
incredible amount of pain
I was capable of feeling
was a direct reflection
of the amount of love
I was capable of feeling.
It's all the same thing.
What?
Nothing.
It's just the most beautiful
thing I've ever heard.
You know, Morgan,
there is still
hope for you.
So...
What do we do now?
Mmm!
Hmm.
Hmm.
So, who talks first?
Why do I get the feeling
that you're scared of me?
No, I'm not--
[scoffs]
I'm not scared.
I've just...
Made a conscious decision.
To do what, not feel?
Exactly. I mean,
I hate the fact
that I feel good
about you.
It's very confusing.
It's not part of my plan.
What we've done here has
created an enormous dilemma.
Well,
it felt good to me.
See, that's
exactly the problem.
It feels good.
It's like drugs.
You know, first
you do a little bit,
and then you do
a little bit more
and a little bit more,
and before you know it,
you're addicted.
All because of a simple lack
of discipline and foresight,
your free will goes
right down the toilet.
Sorry.
I guess when i--
I get nervous I kick
into my hyper-analytic mode,
which I've been in now
for the last 26 years
that I can think of.
It's ok.
Don't trip about it.
Don't trip
about anything.
[Yawns]
Does somebody
need a hug?
I need a guillotine.
Do you want
some breakfast?
Breakfast?
Uh-oh.
Have I created
another
humongous dilemma?
It may just seem
like breakfast to you,
but the ramifications
could be life-altering.
Life-altering?
Morgan, you are really
starting to piss me off.
I'm talking calories,
not commitment.
Ok. You know what?
Fine.
Heads or tails?
What are you doing?
Come on.
You're not gonna let
a random mathematical outcome
determine your action.
No, your action.
I'm having breakfast
no matter what,
but you cannot make
a simple decision
without
weighing its impact
on the entire future
of mankind.
So choose, damn it.
Heads or tails?
Come on.
Are you serious?
Heads or tails.
Uh, how to choose.
Heads.
No, no, no. Wait.
Let's, uh,
you can go for tails.
Tails would work
just as easily, yeah.
Tails it is.
Let it be tails.
Heads. No breakfast.
Good-bye.
Should've gone for heads.
Unbelievable.
Let me get this straight.
What you're saying
is you're kicking me out.
I want to be absolutely
crystal clear on this.
I have to leave now?
Yes, Morgan.
I had a really good
time last night,
but it makes me
feel bad
that you don't feel
good about it.
Am I making myself
clear?
See, I know I'm gonna
want to see you again,
and if I see you again,
we're just gonna end up
having more glorious sex,
and if we have
more glorious sex,
I'm gonna get overly attached,
and that attachment
will inevitably
lead to complications.
Morgan, you're
not listening to me.
There are
no complications.
You're free to go.
Now?
You know,
for a guy who is
so good with words,
it's hard to believe
you don't understand
2 simple ones.
Get out!
Don't call me anymore.
Don't stop by
for surprise visits.
Don't write.
Don't send a postcard.
As a matter of fact,
don't do anything,
which, by the way,
seems to be what you
are most fond of doing.
It's been nice knowing you.
Have a nice day!
Morgan: Are you serious?
Aaah!
Aaah!
Jason:
I'm going downhill.
Thinking the skier.
Molly: Yeah,
I'm pedaling along.
Wait, wait, hold on.
I can't hold on.
Going too fast!
Aah!
[Molly shrieks]
Now stop.
Aah!
Ok. Unh!
Aah, ha ha!
Look what I got.
My hero.
Oh, baby, oh.
See, if I had a choice--
this is nice.
Just spend the rest
of the day right here.
Yeah.
In the park.
Who needs rollerblades.
Rollerblading's for kids.
Yeah.
What was that for?
For being you.
Aah!
All right.
Serious moment.
Come here. Come here.
What?
Closer.
What?
Closer.
Um...
Oh.
That was really sweet.
Will you marry me?
Jason, stop it.
[Giggles] What?
I'm serious.
What?
I want you...
To be my wife.
Please?
You're serious?
You mad at me?
I'm passionately,
desperately
in love with you.
Please love me back.
Is that a y--
yes! It's a yes!
Of course it's a yes.
Ohh!
I love you.
Oh, I love you.
Hey. What's up?
The surf. How are you?
Mostly confusion.
Good.
That means you're alive.
I spend so much time
nourishing my free will,
and then I meet this girl,
and I can't get her
out of my head.
Hey,
consider yourself lucky.
Why?
You're the only person
I know that would ask
that question.
Well if you think
I'm so lucky,
why don't you let
a woman into your life?
I did once.
Hawaii.
I was working
on my ph.D.,
and I was
crazy about her.
We made love
on the beach every day.
Every night, too.
When I was young,
love was easy.
I figured there'd
always be another one
just around the corner.
What happened to her?
She moved on.
So are you saying
that you're sorry
that you didn't
get married?
I made a choice.
Was it the right choice?
Who knows?
I can't believe
you'd even consider it.
Morgan,
did you ever consider
that your constant
contemplation
of these questions
is a privilege
that you
take for granted?
You taught me to--
to search for the truth!
Yeah,
that's a privilege.
A luxury of the rich.
Most people in the world
are too busy
trying to find shelter,
enough food
for their kids.
What about man
and Superman?
Ah, did you learn
anything at all
from Shaw?
From Nietzsche?
You make a choice.
Good or bad,
you learn how to live
with that choice.
That's what Superman
is really all about.
Everything seemed so simple,
so clear last month.
I mean,
freedom above all!
I never realized what
a bonehead you could be.
You think this
is a midterm exam?
You can just think your
way to the right answer?
The final answer?
Voltaire nailed it.
"Doubt is not
a pleasant condition,
"but certainty,"
Morgan,
"certainty is absurd."
This is your life.
Right now.
100 years from now,
none of this,
absolutely
none of this shit
is gonna mean
a good god-damn.
You could miss
the biggest wave
of your life
if you're just
sitting on the beach
thinking about it.
Surf is up, dude.
Yeah.
Waiter: Coming through.
Hot plate coming through.
Waitress: Sorry.
Slow down, everyone.
Everything all right?
Mm-hmm.
Waiter: Need
a fresh pot of decaf.
Hey, boss, we're all
out of clean dishes.
Uh, what time is
the dishdog supposed--
I mean, the dishwasher
supposed to be here?
4:30.
4:30. Ok.
Uh, heh,
he's fired.
Finally.
Something to do.
Ooh, sorry.
Mary, have you seen
Jason?
He's in the back
washing dishes.
Great.
Good seeing you again!
Good seeing you,
too.
Hey.
Thought you'd be
on the road by now.
Yeah, I just came
to say good-bye.
I can see
you're pretty busy.
Yeah, the, uh, dishdog,
he didn't show up.
So I gotta fire him.
Ha ha ha.
Thanks for everything.
No problem.
Thank you.
See ya.
Take care.
Move over.
Ha ha ha!
[Together]
I blame you for this!
* I got the weekend off
and the summer's set *
* believe it's
about time to breeze *
* with the ragtop down
we can do anything *
* there's no place
I would rather be *
* I can guarantee nothing,
this view will do *
* past time to let it go
* this place is always alive
and it's the bottom line *
* it's my freedom
above all *
* it's out of sight
* couldn't be better
I got today *
* out of sight
* wheel and deal,
'cause I'm free tonight *
* till the summer sets
* till the summer sets
* watch the ladies dance,
got a beer in my hand *
* saw a girl,
and this is life *
* plus movin' play
to the top of the lines *
* my freedom above all
* this is out of sight
* couldn't be better
I got today *
* tears of night
[groans]
So.
I'm gettin' married.
Oh, did I say that right?
Yup. I'm gettin' married.
2 weeks from now
with Molly on the beach.
And please do not give me
that "man with a past" speech.
What's the rush?
There's no rush.
This is what I want to do.
See, I knew you were
gonna react like that.
It's like this.
It's like...
I'm on a crest of a wave.
Right? And I have, like,
a nanosecond to decide.
Am I gonna surf that wave,
or am I gonna pass
and take the next one?
And my instincts
are telling me
I gotta surf
this wave, man.
What if your instincts
are wrong?
Then I get crushed.
But if my instincts
are right,
I'm in a gnarly barrel
for, like, 5 minutes.
I come out the other side,
and everyone on the beach
is standing up screaming,
"Jason! Aaah!"
Aw, come on.
What's the matter with you?
Well, normally,
if you decide
to take a wave
and I decide to skip it,
I know that later on
I'm gonna see you
on the beach.
Well, my instincts
are telling me
that it's not gonna
be like that this time.
We can't go there.
Come on, man.
A permanent job?
Marriage?
What's next?
Happiness?
Satisfaction?
What is it you like
so much about Molly?
I like the way...
She smells.
Jason, a Rose
by any other name
still has thorns.
Who'd you steal
that from?
You know what?
It's your life.
Do what you want.
You know what I want?
I want my best friend
to be my best man.
Wash your own
fucking dishes.
* gotta do something
'bout this *
* endless situation
[thunder]
* baby, you belong
* hey
[couple arguing]
* outside this sexy skin
woman: All right,
I won't open it, ok?
* feel the good faith
* and feel
* this world
in such a place *
* of course we're livin'
* don't do me wrong
[dialing phone]
* of course they say
* I'm so sure
[phone ringing]
Yeah, baby dolls.
Hello, baby dolls.
[Dial tone]
Asshole.
* we'll be all right
* hey hey hey
* show me how to live
* hold you, running to you
I blame you for this.
* it's all right
* that's all
* I want to run away
from here *
* you want me to end this,
endless woman *
* I got it all
back together, dear *
* I hope I get that far
* is this the swing
* that's in the playground
field *
* I gotta get out of here
* I cross my street
with a part *
* of your bad blood
and steel *
* of time I have no fear
* gonna get
out of this town *
* yeah
* before my name's
in stone *
* before this mindless fever
bring me down *
[laughing]
[Thunder]
* of course we're livin'
* don't do me wrong
* of course they say
* I'm so sure
* I'm all right
[laughing]
* gonna be all right
* hey hey
* show me how to live
[laughing]
* hold you, running to you
* no, it's all right
ha ha ha ha!
* all right
[laughing]
All right, all right.
10 seconds, please.
10 seconds.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please prepare to welcome
one of our house favorites.
She's oh, so delicious.
She's hyper-gorgeous.
She's our
own avenging angel,
antoinette!
Anne, I need
to talk to you.
Go away, Morgan.
Please.
I just have to talk
to you for 30 seconds.
Now is not a good time.
You're making me
miss my cue.
Would you please
just go away?
Ladies and gentlemen,
antoinette!
Please, just 30 seconds
is all I ask.
I have something I want
to get off my chest--
Morgan, go away!
Please, it'll--
didn't you hear
what she said?
Yeah, I heard her,
I just want
to talk to her.
Well,
that's too bad.
You don't--
Mr., uh...
DeWitt.
Mr. DeWitt,
I think I have
very profound feelings
for this girl.
I think I may even
be in love with her.
You are?
You are?
Do you think
she gives a shit?
Hey, wait a minute!
DeWitt: Coming through!
Come on.
Anne?
Ow, shit!
God.
God.
Damn.
Go home, son.
I got my good shirt on.
There is no need
for violence.
We are 2
adult human beings
with a capacity
and intellect--
as best I can assess--
who should be able
to work through
this moment.
Fine. Assess this.
Get outta here
before I kick your ass
back to wherever
you came from.
There's absolutely
no need to indulge
in the vile savagery
which you are
currently propagating.
I would simply like
for a moment
to speak with the lady.
And I said
get the hell outta here!
Unh!
Aargh!
Aagh!
I swear to god you've got
5 seconds to break it up,
or I'm gonna do something
really...Awful.
You little--
5...
4...
3...
2...
1...
Thank you.
Anne, sweetie--
Anne: Shh...J-J-Just--
now, Morgan,
what the hell
is your problem?
In relative terms,
I think I love you.
Oh, that's nice.
In relative terms
you think you love me.
It's true.
I do.
Would it help you
or hurt you to know
that I might,
actually, possibly,
love you, too?
It would hurt.
It hurts so much.
But that's what
I'm trying to tell you.
I've never
felt this way
about anyone
in my entire life.
And now I've got
this huge load because
my existentialist code
demands that I maintain
a--a dedication
to a quest,
and my heart--my heart
is screaming at my brain
please shut up!
I never thought
I could say this
and still
respect myself.
But, Anne, I love you.
I love you, therefore
I have to leave.
I'm sorry. I love you.
I love you.
What?
I'm sorry.
Aaagh!
How's this for an epiphany?
Are you fucking crazy?
I'm an army brat,
remember?
Never point
an unloaded weapon!
Look what she did here!
She shot the tires out!
Those are real bullets!
That's a gun you're using!
Jesus, you know how much
that's gonna cost?
Scarlett, Christ almighty.
Hey!
Hey!
What's up, baby?
I didn't think you
were gonna make it.
I didn't think I was,
either.
I wasn't sure
I was still welcome.
Oh, duh!
I'm sorry
I was such an asshole.
No solution.
Baby, there's
no problem!
Ha ha ha!
Too late to be
the best man?
Never.
Come here.
Oh, hi.
Hi.
Uh, here.
What's this?
A wedding constitutes
an emergency.
Morgan...
You shouldn't
have.
Go buy yourself
a home appliance.
Something
Molly would like.
[Playing wedding march
Jimi Hendrix-style]
Now, eh, before
we go any further,
if anyone here
has any reason
why these
2 young people
should not be
joined together,
shut up.
No, not me.
Now, Jason...
Do you promise
that you shall be
the most righteously
awesome dude possible
toward Molly
through every wave
that crashes
along life's beach?
Totally.
Totally.
And do you, Molly,
do you swear to share
fully and absolutely
your soul energy
with this human being
that we call Jason?
Hell, yes.
And now
Jason has prepared
something special
for Molly
and for all of US.
Jason?
I wrote this last night
at my bachelor party.
It's, uh, a song for Molly.
* just want
to stop and tell you *
* you make me
splendid happy *
* your precious smile
* delicious laugh
* your wit,
so quick and snappy *
* you're tall and lean,
you're my mean machine *
* you're the girlfriend
of my dreams *
* I cannot help
to wish real hard *
* that we will always be
* honey,
you're a superbabe *
* you're my superstar
* you're
the super perfect girl *
* honey,
you're the superbabe *
* you're my superstar
* you're the supersonic
* love of my life
* I'm asking you
to be with me *
* for my entire life
* you're superhot
* I love you a lot
* I want you to be my wife
* I want you to be my girl
* forever
you'll rock my world *
* honey, you're
a superbabe *
* you're a superstar
* you're
a super perfect girl *
* honey,
you're a superbabe *
* you're my superstar
* you're the supersonic
* love of my life
I love you.
Frost: Now by the power
vested in me
by the state of nirvana,
I hereby pronounce you
soul mates for life,
or for as long
as it's cool
for both of you.
So help me
god, the mother.
You can kiss her.
But just a kiss.
Ok.
[Band plays bridal chorus]
Watch the road!
I got it.
Morgan: Do you promise
never to refer to this
as a formal relationship
or in any way
a thing of permanence?
I do.
On the condition that
you won't force-feed me
your pointy-headed,
mensa-minded
theoretical hyperbole.
Ha ha ha ha.
I do on one
condition.
What?
That you promise
never to inhibit
my philosophical pursuits
with emotional
or sentimental
heartfelt goo.
Anne: I do.
Only if you swear
never to interfere
with my carefree,
fun-loving,
don't-even-think-
about-telling-me-
how-to-run-my-life
attitude.
[Laughs]
Oh, you're killing me!
* honey,
you're a superbabe *
* you're a superstar
* you're
a super perfect girl *
* honey,
you're a superbabe *
* you're my superstar
* you're the supersonic
* love of my life
* just want
to stop and tell you *
* you make me
splendid happy *
* your precious smile
* delicious laugh
* your wit,
so clever and snappy *
* you're tall and lean,
you're my mean machine *
* you're the girlfriend
of my dreams *
* I cannot help
but wish real hard *
* that we will always be
* honey,
you're a superbabe *
* you're my superstar
* you're
the super perfect girl *
* honey,
you're a superbabe *
* you're my superstar
* you're the supersonic
* love of my life
* I'm asking you
to be with me *
* for my entire life
* you're super hot
* I love you a lot
* I want you to be my wife
* I want you to be my girl
* forever we'll
rock this world *
* honey,
you're a superbabe *
* you're my superstar
* you're
the super perfect girl *
* honey,
you're a superbabe *
* you're my superstar
* you're the supersonic
* love of my life
* of course we're livin'
* don't do me wrong
* of course they say
* I'm so sure
* I'm all right
* you're gonna be
all right *
* hey hey hey
* show me how to live
* hold you running
* soon you know
it's all right... *
captioning made possible by
trimark home video
trimark home video
[Bubbling water]
* I got the weekend off,
and the summer's set *
* believe it's about time
to breeze *
* with the ragtop down
we can do anything *
* there's no place
I would rather be *
* I can guarantee nothing,
this view will do *
* past time to let it go
* this place is always alive,
and it's the bottom line *
* it's my freedom above all
* ohh...It's out of sight
* it couldn't be better
I got today *
* out of sight
* wheel and deal
'cause I'm free tonight *
* till the summer sets
* till the summer sets
* watch the ladies dance,
got a beer in my hand *
* it's all good, it's life
* plus movin' play,
she's top of the line *
* my freedom above all
* ohh...Out of sight
* couldn't be better
* livin' the life
* wheel and deal
'cause I'm free tonight *
* till the summer sets
* yeah...Till
the summer sets *
* ohh...Hey...Yeah
* it couldn't be better
dishwashing is to me
a soapy salvation--
rejuvenation of my soul,
a recuperation
from my upbringing,
rejection of
the bourgeoisie,
and the reclamation
of my free will.
Now, listen,
when you're done,
make sure that
you spray the dishes.
Come here,
come here, come here.
Spray the dishes off,
right?
This thing will
sanitize them,
but it won't
really wash 'em.
Never sacrifice quality
for speed.
Listen to him closely,
for the master
of dishdogging
comes but once
in a lifetime.
Chip!
Chip.
Chip.
Chip.
Whoa!
Whoa!
Whoa!
He takes
control,
and he shoots,
he scores.
How come your friend
won't go out with me?
Is he...You know?
Morgan? He's
a philosopher.
Oh, well,
doesn't that mean
he's supposed to know
a lot about love and stuff?
Morgan, he knows
all the great philosophers.
Hey, those are clean.
He's just trying to come up
with his own new and improved,
like, better philosophy.
Really?
Yeah.
His own
philosophy?
Oh, yeah.
Put the rag between
your thumb and forefinger.
Thus. All right?
Yeah, see,
that's the only way
you can get in
the pantheon of greats.
You have to come up with
your own shit.
That's good.
You should be able
to see yourself in there.
See your reflection.
See a reflection?
What a shame.
All that devotion,
and no girl's
gettin'
the pleasure.
I'm not like him.
I don't know
how you do that.
I don't know
how you just pass up
on beautiful girls
like that.
Well, I refuse to be
controlled by my libido.
What's so difficult
to understand about that?
Jason, if we can't be
above our animalistic desires,
we have no business calling
ourselves philosophers.
Yeah,
but how do you know
a fiery
sexual experience
with that bitchin'
little ukulele
is not gonna unleash
this wild epiphany
that we've been
searching for?
How many times
do I have to tell you?
I'm not interested in a string
of meaningless conquests.
My ability
to exercise free will
has maximum
expressive potential
when guided by
principles and ideas,
not by bodily functions
and sentimental emotions.
What are you doing?
You're standing there.
Here, take this and go
fill it up with dirty dishes.
Ok?
Do something,
you rookie.
Muchachos!
Hey, Roberto!
Ay-ay-ay!
You're almost done al--
look at this place!
Oh, this is fantastic.
Hey, how's
the new guy doing?
He, uh--
he rules.
We're humbled.
Whoa!
Are you sure
you can't stick around
for a little while longer?
I'll give you a raise.
No, thanks.
The open road beckons.
I got a restaurant to run.
Oh...try the fish tacos
on the way out.
The grouper,
but don't grope her.
Adios, amigos!
Ay! Ay! Aoww!
It's a fish joke.
Jason: Maybe we should,
like, go to Nevada.
That'd be great.
Gambling,
free cocktails,
death valley's cool.
I was kinda thinkin'
about the Oregon coast.
You know...
The expansiveness
of the ocean,
the mystical quality
of the early morning fog.
Oregon?
The wedding's
on Saturday.
There's no way we're
getting up to Oregon
and back
by Saturday.
What day is today?
Thursday.
No way.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure
it's Thursday.
I don't care. David's
not gonna get married.
He's not crazy.
It's not gonna happen.
It's gonna happen.
Duh.
I can't believe David
is going through with it.
He's had a year
to think about it.
It's not that I mind
goin' back,
but the hypocrisy
is killin' me.
I mean, it's bad enough that
I have to attend a wedding,
something totally contrary
to my beliefs...
But David still wants me
to be the best man.
It's a good thing you thrive
on moral dilemmas then, huh?
It's worse than
a moral dilemma.
It's a crisis
of conscience.
Want a bite?
No, thank you,
I'll pass.
What are you,
a vegetarian?
Bite it!
No. You eat your food.
I'll worry about myself,
all right?
What are you gonna do
if you see Molly?
She'll probably be
at the wedding.
There's man...
And then there's
Superman.
Both: Bring 'em above all.
Mmm.
Uh, uh, uh.
Holy shit.
[Snapping fingers]
Hey, what are you doin'?
If we don't concentrate
and rigorously pursue
our epiphany,
we will never
assume our place
in the pantheon
of greats.
Are you listening to me?
Yes.
You didn't hear
a word I said, did you?
Yeah, the pantheon...
But what if our epiphany
never comes?
Kerouac, burroughs,
Thoreau...
None of 'em had it easy.
But how long does it take,
like, an average philosopher
to have his great epiphany?
Maybe a lifetime.
See, that sucks.
Shoot.
Hey, check it out,
man.
That was a lot of truck
for the money.
No doubt.
[High sing-song voice]
Hello, professor frost.
Marriage?
I think George Bernard Shaw
said it best when he said,
"marriage is to me
an apostasy,
"a profanation of
the sanctuary of my soul.
An acceptance of defeat."
Heh.
"I shall change from a man
with a future,
"to a man with a past.
"I shall merely be
somebody's property...
"And damaged goods at that.
A secondhand man at best."
See, each time
I wash a dish,
it's one less trip
to Disneyland I have to take
with my ingrate kids.
With every pot I scrub,
it's one less mortgage payment
I have to make.
Bravo.
Bravo, that's it.
See, you guys,
you guys have chosen...
To ask the most
dangerous question
ever invented by man.
Why?
Why? Why?
Why am I here?
Why was I born?
Why?
Why?
Because--because
with every generation,
there are always
those certain few
that can follow
their own path,
their own--
their own destiny.
If they're lucky,
one day,
they find a small piece
of truth, inner truth,
and it makes
the simplest things better.
Food will have
a different taste.
Songs seem to be
more in tune.
For the first time,
pieces of this--this...
Crazy Jigsaw puzzle
we call a life
will fit together better.
That's exactly why
we're so committed
to seeking out and
finding our epiphany.
Epiphany? Well...
I guess you can call it
an epiphany if you want to.
Yeah, so, uh, shall we
let the fiesta...Begin?
Ay! Ay! Ay! Ay!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey,
how about that?
Shane the brain!
Love your partner.
What's up?
And the condemned man!
Professor frost:
Hello, Shane.
What's up, man?
The journey,
baby.
David.
Well, you haven't
thrown up on yourself.
Hey,
I'm not as scared
as you all
programmed me to be.
You know why?
Because you're
in shock.
Listen, fellas, your money's
no good tonight, ok?
This is all on me.
It's the least I can do
for this young man
who, tomorrow morning,
gets to say those
wonderful words...I do.
And then, spends
the rest of his life
saying, yes, dear!
[Laughing]
All right, come on.
Get inside.
[All talking at once]
[Rock music plays]
[Hooting]
Hey, guys,
bring a round!
Emcee: And that was
the delicious candie sweet.
And upcoming,
our mistress of intrigue,
our own avenging angel,
antoinette.
Crowd: Yeah.
* falling leaves
* tantalizing colors
* of the Autumn breeze
* ever-changing patterns
in this lusty breeze *
* finally we're together
* it will never cease
* sister, who
* come and change
all my senses *
* pardon me, you
* present, past,
and future tenses *
* stay
* learn to love
* stay
* it's like a dream
* ecstasy
* lovin' hand
will keep me *
* and will always be
emcee: Remember, gentlemen,
tonight is
2-for-1 call drinks
and 2-for-1 lap dances.
Put your hands together
and let your libidos go
for the lovely lolita.
[Hooting and whistling]
Hey!
Bro?
Dude,
is this your job?
It's more than a job,
my friend.
It's a career.
I bet you don't
get bored, huh?
Can't get bored
with bliss, my brother.
Hey, play some funk.
You got it.
Comin' up.
Nature
deliberately separates
the mind and the body.
Otherwise,
there'd be personal
and social anarchy.
So you're saying
that the body
has nothing at all
to contribute.
That's right.
No, that's bullshit.
You can't separate
the mind from the body,
unless you're
Dr. Frankenstein.
You want
a perfect example
of what
I'm talking about?
Look at that stripper
over there. All right?
Her mind and her body
are definitely separate.
Her body is looking
at that weird dude
and saying,
"oh, I want to do you."
And her mind is saying,
"god, I hope
I can make my rent.
I shouldn't have
taken off Thursday."
He's right, you know.
I mean, obviously,
the mind and body are one.
Would either of you
like a lap dance?
Uh...
[Clears throat]
Talkative bunch,
aren't we?
No, thank you.
Sorry.
Don't be sorry.
Regrets are
a waste of time.
No, I just--
I didn't mean
to offend you.
You offend me?
Don't worry about it.
Anne, are you, uh,
dancing or chatting?
A little of both.
Mm-hmm. Well, I would say
that there is more money
in the former.
Hey!
Sir, there are rules
of this house.
Here. Read the sign.
It says "no touching"!
He's good.
Yeah.
We're the yin.
He's the Yang.
Comin' through.
Watch out!
Enjoy the show.
[Laughing]
Sit down.
We got a lotta
show yet.
All right. All right.
Which one of you guys
is gonna try
the body shot?
Guys: Ohh!
Are you ready, baby?
I'm so ready.
Morgan, take one.
Go ahead,
Morgan, please.
Morgan.
Shane:
Yeah, man, come on.
Be right back.
Be right back?
Oh, come on, you guys.
The bachelor will
take one, please.
I've been ready
my whole life for this.
Oh, my god.
Professor frost: This is
the end of western civilization
as I know it.
Oh, my god.
Wiggle? Not the wiggle.
[Clears throat]
I don't know what
you got on your mind,
but your body
better step back.
I just came out here
for some fresh air.
Got a cigarette?
No, I don't smoke.
Right.
I'm thinking
of starting, though.
What?
Smoking.
Why?
Well, you get to use
a lot more of your sick days,
and you die a lot younger,
and the next time
a beautiful girl
sticks a gun in my face
and asks for a cigarette,
I'll have one to give her.
One point for you.
Hi, my name is Anne.
Morgan.
Morgan?
Yeah.
The man whose mind
controls his organ.
You don't believe me?
[Coughs]
Simple rule of nature:
Breasts are a magnet
to a man's eyes.
I guess there's no
been there, done that
when it comes to breasts.
Same rule applies
to crotches.
Trust me.
Do this job long enough,
and you'll have
a really clear picture
of just how connected
the mind and body are.
Heh. Yeah...
But the great minds
have taught US
that the, uh,
the wider the gap
between stimulus and response,
the more enlightened
the individual.
Really? So,
following that logic,
the average dead guy's
more enlightened than you.
[Chuckles]
2 points for me.
Wait a minute.
You've just taken a valid
philosophical concept
and reduced it
to an absurdity.
No, I didn't.
I simply pointed out
a fundamental flaw
in your logic.
Can I ask you
a question?
Sure.
What exactly do you
do for a living?
I'm a dishwasher...
And I'm on a quest.
To find...
My epiphany.
Right.
No, it's true.
Washing dishes simply
allows me that pursuit.
Did something horrible
happen to you
in your childhood?
Uh, heh...
I don't know why i'm
telling you any of this.
Wow.
I was simply
making a joke.
See ya around, babe.
Get one for
Mr. Frost over there.
No, no, no, thank you.
Thank you.
I have a weak heart.
Are you ready?
Yeah.
Oh, my god,
drink that shot.
Ahh!
Want another one?
I do, I do. I do!
David...david?
I do.
Not yet, David.
Do you take this woman
for richer, for poorer,
in sickness and in health,
till death do you part?
About what it's gonna
take to get out of it.
Anyone here can see
any reason why these two
should not be joined
in holy matrimony,
let them speak now or
forever hold their peace.
Then...
I now pronounce you
husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
Kiss of death.
[Sexy whistle]
Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. and Mrs. Martinez.
[Wedding march plays]
[Tapping glass]
Well, I guess it's tradition
for the best man
to give a speech,
so here goes.
Uh, all of US guys agree
that Karen's a great catch
for David.
Which is, I guess,
why he's decided
to sacrifice his principles
to be with her.
I always thought
he was too smart
to go for this
whole marriage thing,
but, um...
But he's made his choice,
and it's a good one.
I love you, man.
And Karen...
You're the best.
I hope you're both
ultra-happy.
And with that, I'd like
to propose a toast...
To Mr. and Mrs. Martinez.
Salud.
Huzzah!
[Playing la bamba]
Ahh.
Hey, Jason,
how ya doin'?
Hi, Jason Fletcher,
and you are?
Aaron Mitchell.
I'm Molly's date.
It's only 'cause
I let her go.
Heh heh heh.
That's not the way
she tells it, Jason.
So, um...
Wanna dance?
Um...
Sure.
Thank you.
Can you hold this?
Oh, yeah, sure.
Ha.
Ooh. Sorry.
It's a fast song.
So, who's the, um...
Who's the stiff?
If you can't
say anything nice,
don't say
anything at all.
Besides,
wasn't it you who said
that for every minute
we're angry,
we lose 60 seconds
of happiness?
All I'm askin' for
is one minute. Ok?
So what are you doin'
besides the stiff?
I'm working,
thank you very much.
Working?
Where are you working?
Oh, yeah,
a management training
program at sunkist.
You didn't know?
You serious?
Yeah.
Oh, you'll be
a good manager.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
So, what about you?
Your career plans
any more focused?
Morgan, fast food,
styling.
As always.
[Song ends]
Hey!
One more.
I don't think
it's a good idea.
Please.
What is my date
gonna say?
I don't care what
your date's gonna say.
How am I gonna feel
going home with him?
Don't go home with him.
So, who'd you
bring tonight?
Morgan.
Heh.
[Playing la cucaracha]
I can't believe David's
the first to fall.
He went soft on US.
Imagine, the next time we smoke
one of these with David,
it'll say,
"it's a boy" on it.
Uhh.
A married philosopher
is a figure of comedy.
Both: Nietzsche.
Yeah.
[Song ends]
I can appreciate that.
I got 2 spots open.
One for kitchen manager
during the day...
And the other one
for assistant at night.
Now, don't say no without
even thinking about it.
Dean, I've
thought about it.
That's why
the answer's no.
Come on, you boys
are college-educated.
Don't you realize
the security
of the opportunity
I'm offering you?
Security's overrated.
I mean, there's
security in jail.
Don't you boys
want a career?
That's where we differ.
We have a career.
You call washing dishes
a career?
It's not about
washing dishes.
It's about aspiring
to greatness.
Heh. I'll be back.
[Sigh]
Jason, i--
I knew Morgan
wouldn't go for this,
but I felt I had
to offer it to you
because
you're partners.
I want you to know
that the offer
is still open to you...
Solo.
I appreciate that.
I mean, I really do.
It's just that
we're young now.
You know,
and this is like...
Like a...
Great adventure.
I mean, you must've had
somethin' like that
when you were our age,
right?
Yeah, yeah, sure.
World war ii.
Jason, you were
a business major.
I'm offering you
an opportunity
to take over
my family business.
I never had children...
And you never had
a father.
Aside from me,
there's no one that loves
the outback restaurant
more than you do.
Hey...
So you're not Jewish,
who cares?
It's a new millennium.
You know, listen,
just think about it,
all right?
I will.
We'll talk about it later.
All right.
Take care.
Yeah.
We're out of here.
What?
Let's go.
Oh, um, actually,
you know what?
I'm gonna hang out
with Molly for a while.
It's no big deal.
Just grab a ride tomor--
later--tonight.
Have it your way.
Heh. I will.
[TV plays]
Hey.
Hey.
You got
a cigarette?
No, you don't smoke,
remember?
Pretty good.
Yeah.
So, what?
Did you miss me,
or did you finally
psych yourself up
for that lap dance?
No, no, no, no, no.
I don't want a lap dance.
I want to--
I want to talk to you.
Oh, I got it.
You want to rescue me
from the dragon.
Come on, do you
really think all guys
are that transparent?
What was your name again?
Morgan.
Right.
The dishwasher.
You think you would have
remembered my name
if I wore an Armani suit
and told you
I came from money?
Think all strippers
are that transparent?
Look, I know
you think it's funny
that I'm a dishwasher
who's a philosopher,
but you gotta
understand something.
I've made
a conscious choice
to design a lifestyle
that will support
my philosophical
aspirations.
You see, to most people,
washing dishes is
a low-paying menial job.
It's not to me.
To me, it's a ritual
with deeply spiritual
implications.
Like the tea ceremony.
Exactly. Exactly.
See,
that's why I'm here.
I wanted to, uh...
I wanted to come here
to tell you that.
So you'd know.
Well, this is fascinating.
Thank you.
So, I guess
I'll see you around.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Uh...Wait a minute.
Wait. Um...Look.
Here.
I want to show you
an example,
a demonstration.
$20.
Hey, it's your money.
DeWitt.
This guy wants to, um,
wash something.
He gave a $20 for it.
Is it ok?
Uh...ok, but, uh,
nothin' kinky. Got it?
No problem.
Thanks a lot.
Thanks.
Great.
Uh...ok.
So, let's see.
You start
with a glass...
And, uh...
Plant your feet.
Take a deep breath.
See? Feel.
Go ahead.
You try one.
Grab a glass.
It's nice.
You're doing
really well.
See, you sorta
do the outside,
then you can get
the inside goin'.
It's pretty good.
It's kinda hypnotic
really.
[Breaking glass]
Hey! You two,
you know better
than to do that shit
around here.
Still think the mind
and body are separate?
Hey, guys!
Does he strike you as one
of the greatest thinkers
of our time?
[Laughs and groans]
Morgan, thanks for
washing our glasses.
[Honking horn]
[Honking]
Come on!
All right!
Bye.
I'll call.
I promise.
Drive safely.
I will.
I heard you
the first time.
People
are sleeping.
Hey, that looks good.
Yeah, that looks good.
How about over here?
Yeah, nice.
Score.
Oh, ok, I got one for ya.
All right.
2 totally beautiful girls
want to go out with you,
which one do you choose?
That's not
a moral dilemma.
At best, it's meager
sexual politics.
Just answer the question.
I can't.
Just because they're
both equally fine
doesn't mean they're
both equally desirable.
You're not fully analyzing
the question, Mr. Philosopher.
All right, which one
would you choose?
I'd go out with the one
that finds me most desirable.
You're so
intellectually lax.
You're just pissed off
because I came up with one
that you can't answer.
Thanks very much.
Lily's, 18.
Belinda's 12.50.
Oh, hey, taveli's, hi.
I'm just curious about
how much my girlfriend and I
might spend if I took
my fine little foxy lady
to your abode?
8--8 and a quarter?
Thank you.
Shave diller's
bar and grill, 22.50.
Sh--
Henry's house of hash.
Don't even ask.
35 bucks a plate,
e.J.'S bistro.
Oh, yeah!
So we prefer
to be paid in cash
at the end
of every shift,
and we may only be here
for a couple of days,
but we offer
a few guarantees.
One--we won't walk out
on the middle of a shift,
and 2--we'll give you
at least 24 hours' notice
before we take off.
Tell you what,
if you guys wash
half as good as you talk,
you're in.
Hey, hey! Rah!
There we go.
Pleasure to, uh--
dishwasher's
in the back.
Get to work.
Mr. E.J.,
you will not be sorry.
Dude, this guy's
dishwasher's a boner.
Well,
what do you expect?
That bad boy's over
20 years old.
Wash 'em again.
If he doesn't
turn on the ac,
I am gonna pass out.
Hey, Jason,
do you think
we're workin' hard
enough on our epiphany?
I mean, there's probably
some more tangible steps
we should be taking.
Did you know that
Alexander the great
was 23 years old when
he's already conquered
most of
the civilized world?
That's like Jimi Hendrix.
Jimi Hendrix was 23
when he wrote
are you experienced?
Wow.
Want one?
No, I'm full.
Hey, I'm gonna grab a beer.
Want a beer?
Now that I'll take.
UN cerveza, mi amigo.
Oh, you are the man!
Toy!
Hey.
You stole those beers,
and they're comin' out
of your pay!
All right,
fair enough,
but, um...
How is it that you
consider it stealing
your beers,
when neither one
of US have concealed
the fact that we're
drinking them...
In order to quench
our thirst and,
therefore,
do a better job for ya,
and we had the intention
of both informing you
that we drank the beers
and reimbursing
the register.
Yeah.
That's a really
slick answer.
Thank you.
The truth is...
You are not authorized
to help yourselves
to my beer!
No, the truth is,
that you have just
strong-armed
your way
into an honest
situation
and imbued it
with an intensely
negative energy
in order to
elevate yourself
and your own status in
front of your employees.
What the hell are you
talkin' about?
Get back to work!
Keep your hands off my beer.
That guy
is a dickwad.
Yeah, and
his plates are chipped.
Is that
a chipped plate?
Oh, you know, it could be
harmful for the customers.
Morgan,
thank you so much.
Oh, no, no, no. Morgan,
you can't lay there.
You're screwing up
the entire feng shui
of the tent.
Give it a rest, Jason,
I'm tired.
No, listen, your head
has to be towards the west
and your feet
towards the door,
in case ninjas attack.
The energy flows better
from your feet
to your head.
Good night, Jason.
Where are you going?
None of your business.
[Answering machine
beeps]
Hey, it's me.
Are you there?
Are you there?
Pick up the phone.
All right.
Well, I was just
calling to tell you
that I was
thinking about you and--
[puppy whimpers]
Oh. Hold on.
Hold on a second.
Huh.
Hey.
Hey.
Where's your mama?
Oh, come--come here.
Don't be scared.
I'm just a big tall guy.
My name's Jason.
Oh, you just peed.
Come on.
Hold on a second.
I got to hang up on Molly.
You want to say "hi"?
[High-pitched voice]
Hello. Hello.
Oh, my god.
You're the most
precious thing in the world.
Yes, you are.
Hey, I got a new friend.
I'll call you later.
Morgan:
How's Molly?
I want you
to take a second
and just
look at this.
[Jason laughs]
Whose is it?
He's an orphan.
I found him outside.
It's cold and dirty.
I think he should be
our new mascot.
Are you crazy?
Tell me you're not
actually considering
adopting that dog.
Why not?
It's an absolutely
nonessential responsibility.
That's why not.
Yeah. Well, it may not
be essential to you,
but it's essential to him.
It's a big world out there,
and he's just nothing
but a little dude.
We're trying to unload
our burdens, not add to them.
Shh. Don't scream.
It'll hurt his ears.
Oh, god.
No. No. No. I want you
to look him in the face
right now and say,
"hey, little guy,
"I will not be
responsible for you.
"I will not
take care of you.
I will not give you
a better life."
Little man, I will not
be responsible for you.
I will not take care of you,
and I will not give
you a better life.
He's just a big
old stupid Morgan.
Don't worry about him.
Take it back.
Take it back.
All right. All right.
I take it back...
But he's out of here
in the morning, all right?
Don't look at me
like that.
He stinks.
Jason: Oh, what are you
getting all antsy about?
You see a kitten?
Is that a kitten?
I shall call you...
Jeremiah.
I'll tell you what.
When we're on the road,
Morgan's gonna hook you up
with some knowledge, kid.
But don't worry about it,
'cause you and I
will see the world.
Beautiful cornfields, buttes.
You can chase birds.
And you'll be our watchdog.
And if there's any trouble,
you give 'em some of this.
Uhh! Argh!
How much money you got?
I think 24 bucks.
That's all you got?
That's all we got,
huh, buddy?
I bought gas yesterday.
Yeah, and I bought a tank
of gas, too. So what?
So, how much money
you got?
48 bucks.
You got more money.
Why you always lying
about your money?
Yeah, but i'm
not spending that.
That's for
emergencies only.
[Makes fart noises]
My god,
you found ralphie!
Oh! I thought you were
eaten by a big fat bear.
I was beginning to think
he was lost for good.
Thank you so much.
It was so great
of you to find him.
Yeah. You should've
heard him last night.
Oh, he was worried sick
about finding
the rightful owner.
Well,
I really appreciate it.
I don't know what to say
except you guys
are really...
Noble.
Yeah.
Bye.
Say bye!
Bye, ralphie.
I'm gonna miss that dog.
Don't mock my pain, bro.
Maybe I can find, like,
a squirrel or something.
Morgan: Dude, I got one
for you. You ready?
Jason: Yeah.
Can a truly
omnipotent god
create a rock so large
that he himself
couldn't move it?
Dude, it's not
even answerable.
Exactly.
My wave.
This is mine.
Get off my wave,
bro! Aah.
Morgan: Jason.
Yeah?
Don't leave me
hanging.
Uh, I'll be
right back.
Kreela,
give me 5 minutes.
Keep an eye on this.
Boy,
is that kitchen hot.
I know. I'm dying.
Forget about it. Here,
I brought you a coke.
Do you want--
thanks.
My name's Jason.
Bridget.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
This reminds me--
I'm reading
this book right now
called siddhartha
by Herman hesse.
And this moment
right here
is shockingly similar
to the moment
in the novel when--
Troy, this is--
this is Jason.
What in the hell do
you think you're doing?
Troy, please. He's
a dish dog, please.
This is my girl.
You new guys
come in here,
and you think
it's open season
on anything that moves.
Troy.
I have a question.
Since when
does an assistant cook
own the world?
Hyah!
Ow!
What happened to you?
Senseless violence occurred.
You, my friend,
are off your game.
Piss off. At least
I play the game.
I refuse to allow
your digressions
to distract me
from my destiny.
This dishwasher sucks.
You know,
at this rate, we're
gonna be here till dawn.
Yeah. The sprayer's blocked.
Calcium deposits.
Oh. Hey, e.J.!
What?
The, um, I'm sorry, sir,
but the machine's broken.
What do you want from me?
Wash 'em by hand.
What a sense
of humor he's got.
Why aren't you guys
doing anything?
The sprayer's calcified.
It needs to be maintenanced.
If I may?
Please.
What my partner's
driving at
is that the dishwasher
needs to be repaired
in order for US to
maintain an adequate supply
of clean dishes for you.
You fucking prima Donna
wannabe executives.
Shut up and do your job!
And remember, you said
you'd work a full day
no matter what.
Heh heh.
A foolish
consistency
is the hobgoblin
of little minds.
This calls for
civil disobedience.
It's a moral
imperative.
No solution.
No problem.
Jason, did you know
that for every thousand
hacking at
the branches of evil,
there is but one
striking the root?
Uh, I know this one.
It's Thoreau.
Bingo.
Right. Hey, Morgan.
I got a good question.
How deep exactly
do you think these
suds are gonna get?
Well, if you
calculate the volume
of this particular brand
of soap we're using
and factor in
that this dishwasher
is capable of cycling
2,000 cubic feet of water
in under an hour,
I'd say at least 5 feet.
Oh, my god! Bubbles!
I betcha we got
a new record on our hands.
E.j.: Aah!
What the hell
are you guys doing now?
Shut the machine off!
Shut it off!
Hey. We just work it.
E.j.: What?
Yeah. We don't
know how to fix it.
Hey!
Where are you going?
Hey. Hey.
Both: I blame you
for this.
E.j.: Where you going?
You can't
leave me like this!
Nobody walks out on me!
Nobody!
[Insect buzzing]
[Squish]
Morgan: You see that?
Oh...
It's a perfect example.
Your Karma has been
drawing violence to you.
And you, in kind, are
responding in violence,
thereby perpetuating
your own negativity.
I squished a bug,
Morgan.
Yeah, but--see,
the decision to kill,
whether it's a bug
or, you know, a baby,
it's just that--
it's a decision to kill.
A bug or a baby, bro.
All right. All right.
But the bug was bugging me.
All right. Bzzzzz!
So, I decided in turn
to just squish it.
Well, I'm glad you're
owning that decision.
Just do not underestimate
the karmic debt
you're accumulating
for yourself.
Oh, hold on a minute.
Hold on a minute.
I'm having an epiphany here.
Oh, gosh, look. Hey,
I'm channeling the bug.
[Babbles]
Jason, gosh.
It's me, the bug.
I'm on the other side,
bro.
Say, bro, I'm having
a great time in bug heaven.
There are chicks
everywhere and tubes.
Dude, go into the light,
buggy, buggy, go!
[Squeals]
[Grunts]
I felt it.
Did you feel him?
He was with US, brother.
Thank you for
taking me to the light.
Bye-bye, Jason.
I don't think
you have a full grasp
of the Karma situation,
dude.
Bye-bye, bug.
[Engine pings]
[Engine falters]
Whoa. What was that?
What does that mean?
Look how hot
it's getting.
I don't know--
what is this?
I don't know.
Just pull over!
Dude, that is not good.
That is not good.
Really? What was
your first indication?
I'm putting you in charge
of fixing the fucking thing.
Confucius, please get
to the side of the road.
You're in a mood
already, aren't you?
Aw, fuck!
Fuck. Shit.
There's, uh,
water in the oil, bro.
It's got a cracked head.
Hmm.
Great.
Well, it's at least 15
miles to the next town,
so walking is out.
Dude, looks like
waiting's in, huh?
Jason: Come on,
you piece of...
Hey, dude. I got it.
Ho--hey! Hey!
We got action!
You guys know
you're supposed
to put water
in these things?
Oh, gosh. Really?
Uh-huh.
Can get it for you,
but it's gonna
take a few days.
What, water?
Jase, I got it, buddy.
It's all right. I got it.
How much is it
gonna cost?
550 plus labor.
550?
Plus labor.
Forget the labor.
I can put that in.
Maybe you'd
like to sell her?
Dude, no. No. No.
Scarlett shall not be sold.
Would you excuse US
for just a second?
No. Oh.
What's he trying
to do, huh?
Look, we need him
right now, all right?
How much money you got?
Uh, like 12.50.
12.50. That's it?
We left in the middle
of a shift last night.
How much money
do you got?
Almost 50 bucks.
What about
the rest of it?
I told you, that's
for emergencies only.
Bro, why don't you turn
around and look at this guy
and tell me what exactly
constitutes an emergency?
Ever see deliverance?
[Laughs]
All right.
Come with me.
Uh...
Unfortunately, we've gotten
ourselves into a, uh,
somewhat of
a predicament here.
I was wondering
what you'd, um--
would you--
what would you think
about working out
some kind of a deal?
Yeah.
A deal.
All right. On 3.
Hey, you got time to lean,
you got time to clean.
You missed a bug.
Get it.
[Fly buzzing]
[Toilet flushes]
I blame you for this!
Hey. Come on.
This is heavy.
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.
Shit!
This sucks.
Hello?
Jason: Hey.
It's, uh, it's me.
I was just dying
to hear your voice.
Hey. Hey,
how are you doing?
You know. I'm fine.
Uh, so how's Morgan?
You guys married yet?
I'm not really sure
he's the right guy for me.
You know what--
hold on a second.
I think there's
somebody at the door.
[Knocks]
Ok. I'm back.
Who was it?
Aaron. You remember--
from the wedding.
You mean, like,
Aaron, argh?
Yo, I thought.
I mean, you said--
you said you guys were,
like, um, you know,
you were gonna,
like, dump him.
That's--i mean, that's
what you said, right?
Yeah. Well, you know.
I kind of wanted
to let him down easy.
Slowly, right.
Uh, oh, Aaron.
Aaron, come on in.
Come on in.
I'll be right with you.
Uh, you know what?
He's here so I have to go.
Ok.
All right.
Call me later, ok? Bye.
[Groans]
Unh unh unh unh unh!
Unh!
Hold it still,
all right.
Move it to
the left a little.
Dude,
I'm holding it.
[Drill revs]
That's my department.
It stopped.
You boys can't
be using my air.
Who is this guy,
a relative of yours?
Oh, you're just mad 'cause
he wouldn't sleep with you.
Now, what are
we gonna do?
[Sighs]
Will this help?
[Engine starts]
Hot toy, baby.
Morgan: Yeow!
Whoa!
It's a lot of truck
for the money.
So, dude, I was thinking
about heading up north,
maybe trying Canada.
Really?
I was thinking about,
um, you know,
maybe--maybe
going back to oxnard.
I don't want to
go back to oxnard.
So?
[Laughs]
I'm wasting my time
with you, dude.
So, what else is new?
What did you say?
Nothing.
What do you mean
"nothing"?
What does nothing mean?
Just that.
It means nothing, zero,
zip, zilch, uh, uh,
what's that--dadaism.
Is this about Molly?
That's none of
your damn business.
You know what, Jason?
There are 2 great tragedies
in this lifetime, my friend.
One is to lose
your heart's desire.
The other is to gain it.
Just another bit of wisdom
for you to get by on.
You know what, dude?
I am so tired of
your so-called wisdoms,
all right? So listen.
Wisdom this: Fuck you.
What did you say?
Which word
didn't you understand?
I mean, that's what you're
all about, right--words?
Words about this.
Words about that.
Morgan, no offense,
but I think you'd rather
talk about life
than actually live
the damn thing, buddy.
Bro, great example.
You see this chip?
Would you, "a"--
rather talk about
the potential yumminess,
bro, of this chip...
Or actually taste it,
smell it, salivate
over this beautiful,
little tiny chip?
Huh? Come on, Morgan.
Huh, what is it?
What do you want to do?
Live the chip, baby!
What the fuck do you want,
talk or feel?
Oh, I'm sorry.
You got to call frost
to talk about it?
See, if it was up to me.
Bro, you see this chip?
I want to taste it...
'Cause I think
personally that chip
tastes pretty
damn good to me.
So, do you want to
go to Canada or what?
It's cold in Canada,
bro.
I want to go to oxnard.
Shit.
Whatever, dude.
Don't
"whatever, dude" me!
Whatever.
Fuck you, whatever!
Hey, I'll just, uh--
I'll grab the rest
of my stuff later,
all right?
Morgan: Guess so.
Take it easy.
Molly!
What?
I was fast,
wasn't I?
No. No, you were perfect.
[Sighs]
Then why
are you so sad?
It's just that
it was so great.
The whole picket
fence thing, huh?
I just
love you too much.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Uh-uh.
Don't be sorry.
[Laughs]
Come here.
Kiss me.
Jason is addicted to Molly.
He can't even do his job
without thinking about her.
You should see him.
It's pathetic.
Or on the other hand,
you could say that, uh,
Jason has the courage to
challenge his own ideals.
His own ideals?
What about the commitment
to a quest?
You, uh, you two set out to
become philosopher-warriors.
Jason comes back a lover.
Now, where's
the tragedy in that?
It makes him weak.
In other words, just being
plain old ordinary normal,
that's--that's a bad thing.
I'd rather be dead.
Now, that sounds like
a recipe for tragedy.
Lighten up, Morgan.
Hey.
Just came to get some,
uh, cds out of Scarlett.
Knock yourself out.
You know, I decided to
take that manager's job
at the outback.
Well, that's how the cancer
of domesticity sets in.
I'm glad you're concerned
about my well-being.
I'm tired, man.
All we ever do is
drive and wash
and wash and drive again.
I--you know, nothing
ever really happens.
Maybe I'm not
a real philosopher.
Did you ever
think about that?
Do you ever think
that I, Jason,
am stopping you, Morgan,
from having, like,
our great epiphany?
Maybe I'm not
cut out to be this--
this real philosopher.
Maybe that's not what I am.
You're rationalizing
your emotions, dude.
Look, dude. I am
setting you free, man.
You don't have to explain
anything to me ever again.
There's nothing
holding you back.
You have no excuses.
What about
the exchange of ideas?
What about the
philosophical dialogue,
freedom above all?
I'm taking the job.
I'm sorry
if I bummed you out.
What about Scarlett?
I want you to keep her.
I kind of like the idea
we both still own her.
I mean, my god,
this has been the best
time of my life...
Like, ever.
Seriously.
I mean, you were
like a brother to me,
you know that?
I never had
a friend like that.
You taught me shit
I didn't even know
I needed to know.
It's like you accepted
me in the pantheon
of great philosophers,
and you and I
both know, man,
I am not made to be
in the pantheon
of great philosophers.
But you put me there.
Do you know how much
that means to me?
I love you, bro.
Come here.
That's great.
Just great.
[Rock music playing]
Boy, are you a glutton
for punishment.
I never thought
I'd see you again.
I just needed
a quiet place to think.
Why?
What happened to you?
Nothing.
Ok. Well, I'm off work,
so I'll see you around.
No!
I mean, stay, please.
Ok.
You know...
I'm sorry I was so
hard on you before.
It's just that we get so
many strange guys in here.
What happened?
It's a...
You know
my partner Jason?
He quit.
You know what?
I don't need to bore you
with this shit.
I'm out of here.
[Groans]
Give me your keys.
Anne: Ok.
Give me the keys.
You want--
can you do it?
Mm-hmm. No problem.
Be careful.
[Sighs]
I got it.
It goes straight.
I got it.
Ok.
[Crash]
Anne: Here you go.
Good. Good.
Here, the light.
Ooh. Oh, step.
Here,
I'll put you here.
Got it?
Mm-hmm.
Now,
that's the couch.
There you go.
Good boy.
Up. Oh,
there you go.
[Laughs]
Hi.
Oh, I'm sorry.
What a pleasant
surprise.
I'm Anne.
Your friend
got sort of trashed,
so I drove him home.
Well, that's very nice
of you to take care of him.
Yeah. He's kind of sweet
when he's quiet.
Uh, can I get you
anything?
Oh, no, thanks.
He just seemed
really sad.
Morgan and his buddy Jason
had kind of a pact,
which had assumed
mythological proportions
for Morgan.
The dissolution of
this pact has forced him
to do some serious
soul-searching.
He's having a hard time.
Well, he ought to know
that there's always hope.
"Even water in time
cuts through stone."
Confucius.
So, are all you guys
philosophers or what?
Well, we certainly try to
give the idea some calories.
Look, Anne.
Why don't you, uh,
don't you stretch out
on this recliner here?
Oh, no. I couldn't.
What? How are you
gonna get home?
Um, call a cab?
No. I'd never
forgive myself
for sending you out in
the middle of the night.
Well,
I'll get you a pillow.
It's like bungee jumping.
I'm not saying
I'm not going to do it.
It's just not something
I can see myself doing.
Yeah, but you say that
not 'cause you don't
want to get married,
but because you're
afraid you're not gonna
find the right guy.
Well, who knows if i'm
gonna meet the right person.
I mean, it's a gamble.
I'm not gonna
close my heart to it.
Well, I'm not
gonna do something
because my parents did it.
And I'm not gonna do it
because society tells me to
or because I get a tax break
or even when
my heart tells me to.
I'm going to do it
when it makes sense,
when my brain tells me to.
I think the heart
deserves equal time.
Elizabeth Barrett Browning?
No, me.
And thanks
for the compliment.
Eggs?
Oh, thank you.
Mm-hmm. And spuds.
No, thanks.
No potatoes for me.
I have to
watch my figure.
Well, I'd be happy
to do it for you.
If you wanted some,
why didn't you
just ask for 'em?
Oh, no, too fattening.
You're thin.
That's because I don't
eat fattening food.
No. You eat 'em.
You just don't have them
put on your plate.
Everything all right?
What do you mean?
All right with me,
all right with you,
all right here
in this room,
or on earth,
in the universe?
Morgan needs
more potatoes, please.
Can you explain
something for me?
Sure.
Why do you always answer
a question with a question?
Isn't that what
philosophers do?
Come on, Morgan.
It's never too late
to postpone your epiphany.
Anne: What do you think
of this one, Morgan?
In terms of what?
A bra.
It's a bra.
Come on. Help me
find something.
I want to wear
something you like.
What's not to like?
How about white?
Sure.
Sure. Do you
like turquoise?
Uh, yeah.
Turquoise is fine.
Any--you know, whatever.
Ok. I'm gonna
go try them on.
Ok.
Come on, Morgan.
Could you come
in here, please?
I don't think
I'm allowed back in there.
Morgan!
You know, I always sort of
envisioned women's apparel
as a sacred space,
you know. I...
Get in here!
Let's go.
Phew. My god.
Come on in.
Check it out.
I, uh, I shouldn't.
Come on.
You know you want to.
Yeah, but what does that
have to do with anything.
Really, I...
We should say
good-bye right here.
Please?
Ok.
[Anne laughs]
I never really knew my mom
so my dad was my whole life.
We moved around a lot
because he was in the army.
You know,
it was a good thing.
It helped me to be more
independent and open-minded.
Thanks.
Yeah.
After my dad died,
I came to this realization.
I realized that the
incredible amount of pain
I was capable of feeling
was a direct reflection
of the amount of love
I was capable of feeling.
It's all the same thing.
What?
Nothing.
It's just the most beautiful
thing I've ever heard.
You know, Morgan,
there is still
hope for you.
So...
What do we do now?
Mmm!
Hmm.
Hmm.
So, who talks first?
Why do I get the feeling
that you're scared of me?
No, I'm not--
[scoffs]
I'm not scared.
I've just...
Made a conscious decision.
To do what, not feel?
Exactly. I mean,
I hate the fact
that I feel good
about you.
It's very confusing.
It's not part of my plan.
What we've done here has
created an enormous dilemma.
Well,
it felt good to me.
See, that's
exactly the problem.
It feels good.
It's like drugs.
You know, first
you do a little bit,
and then you do
a little bit more
and a little bit more,
and before you know it,
you're addicted.
All because of a simple lack
of discipline and foresight,
your free will goes
right down the toilet.
Sorry.
I guess when i--
I get nervous I kick
into my hyper-analytic mode,
which I've been in now
for the last 26 years
that I can think of.
It's ok.
Don't trip about it.
Don't trip
about anything.
[Yawns]
Does somebody
need a hug?
I need a guillotine.
Do you want
some breakfast?
Breakfast?
Uh-oh.
Have I created
another
humongous dilemma?
It may just seem
like breakfast to you,
but the ramifications
could be life-altering.
Life-altering?
Morgan, you are really
starting to piss me off.
I'm talking calories,
not commitment.
Ok. You know what?
Fine.
Heads or tails?
What are you doing?
Come on.
You're not gonna let
a random mathematical outcome
determine your action.
No, your action.
I'm having breakfast
no matter what,
but you cannot make
a simple decision
without
weighing its impact
on the entire future
of mankind.
So choose, damn it.
Heads or tails?
Come on.
Are you serious?
Heads or tails.
Uh, how to choose.
Heads.
No, no, no. Wait.
Let's, uh,
you can go for tails.
Tails would work
just as easily, yeah.
Tails it is.
Let it be tails.
Heads. No breakfast.
Good-bye.
Should've gone for heads.
Unbelievable.
Let me get this straight.
What you're saying
is you're kicking me out.
I want to be absolutely
crystal clear on this.
I have to leave now?
Yes, Morgan.
I had a really good
time last night,
but it makes me
feel bad
that you don't feel
good about it.
Am I making myself
clear?
See, I know I'm gonna
want to see you again,
and if I see you again,
we're just gonna end up
having more glorious sex,
and if we have
more glorious sex,
I'm gonna get overly attached,
and that attachment
will inevitably
lead to complications.
Morgan, you're
not listening to me.
There are
no complications.
You're free to go.
Now?
You know,
for a guy who is
so good with words,
it's hard to believe
you don't understand
2 simple ones.
Get out!
Don't call me anymore.
Don't stop by
for surprise visits.
Don't write.
Don't send a postcard.
As a matter of fact,
don't do anything,
which, by the way,
seems to be what you
are most fond of doing.
It's been nice knowing you.
Have a nice day!
Morgan: Are you serious?
Aaah!
Aaah!
Jason:
I'm going downhill.
Thinking the skier.
Molly: Yeah,
I'm pedaling along.
Wait, wait, hold on.
I can't hold on.
Going too fast!
Aah!
[Molly shrieks]
Now stop.
Aah!
Ok. Unh!
Aah, ha ha!
Look what I got.
My hero.
Oh, baby, oh.
See, if I had a choice--
this is nice.
Just spend the rest
of the day right here.
Yeah.
In the park.
Who needs rollerblades.
Rollerblading's for kids.
Yeah.
What was that for?
For being you.
Aah!
All right.
Serious moment.
Come here. Come here.
What?
Closer.
What?
Closer.
Um...
Oh.
That was really sweet.
Will you marry me?
Jason, stop it.
[Giggles] What?
I'm serious.
What?
I want you...
To be my wife.
Please?
You're serious?
You mad at me?
I'm passionately,
desperately
in love with you.
Please love me back.
Is that a y--
yes! It's a yes!
Of course it's a yes.
Ohh!
I love you.
Oh, I love you.
Hey. What's up?
The surf. How are you?
Mostly confusion.
Good.
That means you're alive.
I spend so much time
nourishing my free will,
and then I meet this girl,
and I can't get her
out of my head.
Hey,
consider yourself lucky.
Why?
You're the only person
I know that would ask
that question.
Well if you think
I'm so lucky,
why don't you let
a woman into your life?
I did once.
Hawaii.
I was working
on my ph.D.,
and I was
crazy about her.
We made love
on the beach every day.
Every night, too.
When I was young,
love was easy.
I figured there'd
always be another one
just around the corner.
What happened to her?
She moved on.
So are you saying
that you're sorry
that you didn't
get married?
I made a choice.
Was it the right choice?
Who knows?
I can't believe
you'd even consider it.
Morgan,
did you ever consider
that your constant
contemplation
of these questions
is a privilege
that you
take for granted?
You taught me to--
to search for the truth!
Yeah,
that's a privilege.
A luxury of the rich.
Most people in the world
are too busy
trying to find shelter,
enough food
for their kids.
What about man
and Superman?
Ah, did you learn
anything at all
from Shaw?
From Nietzsche?
You make a choice.
Good or bad,
you learn how to live
with that choice.
That's what Superman
is really all about.
Everything seemed so simple,
so clear last month.
I mean,
freedom above all!
I never realized what
a bonehead you could be.
You think this
is a midterm exam?
You can just think your
way to the right answer?
The final answer?
Voltaire nailed it.
"Doubt is not
a pleasant condition,
"but certainty,"
Morgan,
"certainty is absurd."
This is your life.
Right now.
100 years from now,
none of this,
absolutely
none of this shit
is gonna mean
a good god-damn.
You could miss
the biggest wave
of your life
if you're just
sitting on the beach
thinking about it.
Surf is up, dude.
Yeah.
Waiter: Coming through.
Hot plate coming through.
Waitress: Sorry.
Slow down, everyone.
Everything all right?
Mm-hmm.
Waiter: Need
a fresh pot of decaf.
Hey, boss, we're all
out of clean dishes.
Uh, what time is
the dishdog supposed--
I mean, the dishwasher
supposed to be here?
4:30.
4:30. Ok.
Uh, heh,
he's fired.
Finally.
Something to do.
Ooh, sorry.
Mary, have you seen
Jason?
He's in the back
washing dishes.
Great.
Good seeing you again!
Good seeing you,
too.
Hey.
Thought you'd be
on the road by now.
Yeah, I just came
to say good-bye.
I can see
you're pretty busy.
Yeah, the, uh, dishdog,
he didn't show up.
So I gotta fire him.
Ha ha ha.
Thanks for everything.
No problem.
Thank you.
See ya.
Take care.
Move over.
Ha ha ha!
[Together]
I blame you for this!
* I got the weekend off
and the summer's set *
* believe it's
about time to breeze *
* with the ragtop down
we can do anything *
* there's no place
I would rather be *
* I can guarantee nothing,
this view will do *
* past time to let it go
* this place is always alive
and it's the bottom line *
* it's my freedom
above all *
* it's out of sight
* couldn't be better
I got today *
* out of sight
* wheel and deal,
'cause I'm free tonight *
* till the summer sets
* till the summer sets
* watch the ladies dance,
got a beer in my hand *
* saw a girl,
and this is life *
* plus movin' play
to the top of the lines *
* my freedom above all
* this is out of sight
* couldn't be better
I got today *
* tears of night
[groans]
So.
I'm gettin' married.
Oh, did I say that right?
Yup. I'm gettin' married.
2 weeks from now
with Molly on the beach.
And please do not give me
that "man with a past" speech.
What's the rush?
There's no rush.
This is what I want to do.
See, I knew you were
gonna react like that.
It's like this.
It's like...
I'm on a crest of a wave.
Right? And I have, like,
a nanosecond to decide.
Am I gonna surf that wave,
or am I gonna pass
and take the next one?
And my instincts
are telling me
I gotta surf
this wave, man.
What if your instincts
are wrong?
Then I get crushed.
But if my instincts
are right,
I'm in a gnarly barrel
for, like, 5 minutes.
I come out the other side,
and everyone on the beach
is standing up screaming,
"Jason! Aaah!"
Aw, come on.
What's the matter with you?
Well, normally,
if you decide
to take a wave
and I decide to skip it,
I know that later on
I'm gonna see you
on the beach.
Well, my instincts
are telling me
that it's not gonna
be like that this time.
We can't go there.
Come on, man.
A permanent job?
Marriage?
What's next?
Happiness?
Satisfaction?
What is it you like
so much about Molly?
I like the way...
She smells.
Jason, a Rose
by any other name
still has thorns.
Who'd you steal
that from?
You know what?
It's your life.
Do what you want.
You know what I want?
I want my best friend
to be my best man.
Wash your own
fucking dishes.
* gotta do something
'bout this *
* endless situation
[thunder]
* baby, you belong
* hey
[couple arguing]
* outside this sexy skin
woman: All right,
I won't open it, ok?
* feel the good faith
* and feel
* this world
in such a place *
* of course we're livin'
* don't do me wrong
[dialing phone]
* of course they say
* I'm so sure
[phone ringing]
Yeah, baby dolls.
Hello, baby dolls.
[Dial tone]
Asshole.
* we'll be all right
* hey hey hey
* show me how to live
* hold you, running to you
I blame you for this.
* it's all right
* that's all
* I want to run away
from here *
* you want me to end this,
endless woman *
* I got it all
back together, dear *
* I hope I get that far
* is this the swing
* that's in the playground
field *
* I gotta get out of here
* I cross my street
with a part *
* of your bad blood
and steel *
* of time I have no fear
* gonna get
out of this town *
* yeah
* before my name's
in stone *
* before this mindless fever
bring me down *
[laughing]
[Thunder]
* of course we're livin'
* don't do me wrong
* of course they say
* I'm so sure
* I'm all right
[laughing]
* gonna be all right
* hey hey
* show me how to live
[laughing]
* hold you, running to you
* no, it's all right
ha ha ha ha!
* all right
[laughing]
All right, all right.
10 seconds, please.
10 seconds.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please prepare to welcome
one of our house favorites.
She's oh, so delicious.
She's hyper-gorgeous.
She's our
own avenging angel,
antoinette!
Anne, I need
to talk to you.
Go away, Morgan.
Please.
I just have to talk
to you for 30 seconds.
Now is not a good time.
You're making me
miss my cue.
Would you please
just go away?
Ladies and gentlemen,
antoinette!
Please, just 30 seconds
is all I ask.
I have something I want
to get off my chest--
Morgan, go away!
Please, it'll--
didn't you hear
what she said?
Yeah, I heard her,
I just want
to talk to her.
Well,
that's too bad.
You don't--
Mr., uh...
DeWitt.
Mr. DeWitt,
I think I have
very profound feelings
for this girl.
I think I may even
be in love with her.
You are?
You are?
Do you think
she gives a shit?
Hey, wait a minute!
DeWitt: Coming through!
Come on.
Anne?
Ow, shit!
God.
God.
Damn.
Go home, son.
I got my good shirt on.
There is no need
for violence.
We are 2
adult human beings
with a capacity
and intellect--
as best I can assess--
who should be able
to work through
this moment.
Fine. Assess this.
Get outta here
before I kick your ass
back to wherever
you came from.
There's absolutely
no need to indulge
in the vile savagery
which you are
currently propagating.
I would simply like
for a moment
to speak with the lady.
And I said
get the hell outta here!
Unh!
Aargh!
Aagh!
I swear to god you've got
5 seconds to break it up,
or I'm gonna do something
really...Awful.
You little--
5...
4...
3...
2...
1...
Thank you.
Anne, sweetie--
Anne: Shh...J-J-Just--
now, Morgan,
what the hell
is your problem?
In relative terms,
I think I love you.
Oh, that's nice.
In relative terms
you think you love me.
It's true.
I do.
Would it help you
or hurt you to know
that I might,
actually, possibly,
love you, too?
It would hurt.
It hurts so much.
But that's what
I'm trying to tell you.
I've never
felt this way
about anyone
in my entire life.
And now I've got
this huge load because
my existentialist code
demands that I maintain
a--a dedication
to a quest,
and my heart--my heart
is screaming at my brain
please shut up!
I never thought
I could say this
and still
respect myself.
But, Anne, I love you.
I love you, therefore
I have to leave.
I'm sorry. I love you.
I love you.
What?
I'm sorry.
Aaagh!
How's this for an epiphany?
Are you fucking crazy?
I'm an army brat,
remember?
Never point
an unloaded weapon!
Look what she did here!
She shot the tires out!
Those are real bullets!
That's a gun you're using!
Jesus, you know how much
that's gonna cost?
Scarlett, Christ almighty.
Hey!
Hey!
What's up, baby?
I didn't think you
were gonna make it.
I didn't think I was,
either.
I wasn't sure
I was still welcome.
Oh, duh!
I'm sorry
I was such an asshole.
No solution.
Baby, there's
no problem!
Ha ha ha!
Too late to be
the best man?
Never.
Come here.
Oh, hi.
Hi.
Uh, here.
What's this?
A wedding constitutes
an emergency.
Morgan...
You shouldn't
have.
Go buy yourself
a home appliance.
Something
Molly would like.
[Playing wedding march
Jimi Hendrix-style]
Now, eh, before
we go any further,
if anyone here
has any reason
why these
2 young people
should not be
joined together,
shut up.
No, not me.
Now, Jason...
Do you promise
that you shall be
the most righteously
awesome dude possible
toward Molly
through every wave
that crashes
along life's beach?
Totally.
Totally.
And do you, Molly,
do you swear to share
fully and absolutely
your soul energy
with this human being
that we call Jason?
Hell, yes.
And now
Jason has prepared
something special
for Molly
and for all of US.
Jason?
I wrote this last night
at my bachelor party.
It's, uh, a song for Molly.
* just want
to stop and tell you *
* you make me
splendid happy *
* your precious smile
* delicious laugh
* your wit,
so quick and snappy *
* you're tall and lean,
you're my mean machine *
* you're the girlfriend
of my dreams *
* I cannot help
to wish real hard *
* that we will always be
* honey,
you're a superbabe *
* you're my superstar
* you're
the super perfect girl *
* honey,
you're the superbabe *
* you're my superstar
* you're the supersonic
* love of my life
* I'm asking you
to be with me *
* for my entire life
* you're superhot
* I love you a lot
* I want you to be my wife
* I want you to be my girl
* forever
you'll rock my world *
* honey, you're
a superbabe *
* you're a superstar
* you're
a super perfect girl *
* honey,
you're a superbabe *
* you're my superstar
* you're the supersonic
* love of my life
I love you.
Frost: Now by the power
vested in me
by the state of nirvana,
I hereby pronounce you
soul mates for life,
or for as long
as it's cool
for both of you.
So help me
god, the mother.
You can kiss her.
But just a kiss.
Ok.
[Band plays bridal chorus]
Watch the road!
I got it.
Morgan: Do you promise
never to refer to this
as a formal relationship
or in any way
a thing of permanence?
I do.
On the condition that
you won't force-feed me
your pointy-headed,
mensa-minded
theoretical hyperbole.
Ha ha ha ha.
I do on one
condition.
What?
That you promise
never to inhibit
my philosophical pursuits
with emotional
or sentimental
heartfelt goo.
Anne: I do.
Only if you swear
never to interfere
with my carefree,
fun-loving,
don't-even-think-
about-telling-me-
how-to-run-my-life
attitude.
[Laughs]
Oh, you're killing me!
* honey,
you're a superbabe *
* you're a superstar
* you're
a super perfect girl *
* honey,
you're a superbabe *
* you're my superstar
* you're the supersonic
* love of my life
* just want
to stop and tell you *
* you make me
splendid happy *
* your precious smile
* delicious laugh
* your wit,
so clever and snappy *
* you're tall and lean,
you're my mean machine *
* you're the girlfriend
of my dreams *
* I cannot help
but wish real hard *
* that we will always be
* honey,
you're a superbabe *
* you're my superstar
* you're
the super perfect girl *
* honey,
you're a superbabe *
* you're my superstar
* you're the supersonic
* love of my life
* I'm asking you
to be with me *
* for my entire life
* you're super hot
* I love you a lot
* I want you to be my wife
* I want you to be my girl
* forever we'll
rock this world *
* honey,
you're a superbabe *
* you're my superstar
* you're
the super perfect girl *
* honey,
you're a superbabe *
* you're my superstar
* you're the supersonic
* love of my life
* of course we're livin'
* don't do me wrong
* of course they say
* I'm so sure
* I'm all right
* you're gonna be
all right *
* hey hey hey
* show me how to live
* hold you running
* soon you know
it's all right... *
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trimark home video