Disaster Movie (2008) - full transcript

Oh, shit.

You just got Wolfed.

- What?
- That is an official trademark...

...that I am getting registered.

It's a lot of stuff you gotta do,
hoops you gotta jump through.

Gotta get on the Internet.

Gotta go to some stupid-ass website
where you register a catch phrase.

I wanted "Bam,"
but Emeril had taken it.

I'm rambling, man.
Get up, man. Get up, man.

Is the contender ready?

- Ready.
- Is the gladiator ready?



Three, two, one.

Things are heating up for the Wolf.

I just opened a Target in Reseda...

...and my own brand of BBQ sauce.

I'm calling it Wolf's BBQ Sauce,
available in regular and chipotle.

You still going?
You still want more of this, man?

I learned that in Oriental land.

Whoa, yeah. U.S. A!

They're so small anyway, from steroids.

A saber-tooth.

Amy Winehouse?

Piss off.

You don't wanna mess with
a bitch straight out of rehab.

Listen, like the dinosaurs
being destroyed by the Ice Age...



...you, too, will soon be extinct.

When?

- How much time do we have?
- Bloody hell.

Just calm down.
Do you know you're speaking so fast...

...I can't even hear, mate?
You're making my head hurt.

Or maybe that was
the gasoline I drank.

Oh, my God, it was good.
Oh, God, I love drinking gasoline.

It's excellent for the vocal cords.

That's my little secret.

- You're welcome.
- How much time do we have?

Let me see.

Hang on a bit.

There we go.

All right, let's have a look-see.

Everyone's on Facebook.

It says...

...that the end of the world
will be August 29th, 2008.

Oh, God.

Bottoms up.

Sick.

Mark my words, leather boy.

Cave dweller.

Beaver hunter.

Your doom lies with this.

- The crystal skull.
- That's right. Did your nibblies go tight?

Yeah, they did. Just went up
inside you, didn't they?

Oh, boy.

I knew I shouldn't have
taken all those Ambien.

Amy. Wake up, baby.
I just had the weirdest dream.

Amy.

What? What the...?

Flava-Flav! Yeah, boy!

I've been giving your girl
the flavor of love.

She's been sucking
my clock all night long.

Get the hell out of here, Flava!

I'm Flava-Flav!

- What is that about?
- What?

You said you didn't
wanna be in a relationship.

I know, but Flava?

Will...

...I wanna take it to the next level.

I love you.

I like you too.

Oh, man.

Look, you don't understand.

I think the world is coming to an end.

That's a way of saying
you have commitment issues.

Unbelievable. Come on, Jojo.

You're taking Jojo?

Goodbye, Will.

Are you still coming
to my Sweet 16 party?

You're 25.

- I never had one.
- Grow up.

Yeah.

- Hey.
- Yeah.

Amy, you came.

Come on.

Oh, hey, Will.

- Happy Sweet 16.
- Thanks.

Take a look at these.

Oh, God.

Hey, Will. It's your buddy, Dr. Phil.

Hey, let me show you
why my frat brothers...

...used to call me Dr. Phil-You-Up.

Oh, hey, baby.

Dyke. Come back here, I like it rough.

Hey, Will, where's that
girlfriend of yours, Amy?

Don't let her get away.

She's a real quality girl,
a real keeper, like that one.

Hey, come on back here, you whore.

Thanks.

Yo!

Let's prank his ass. He passed out.

He's sleeping like a baby.

We can put his hands in warm water.

Or I have a better idea.

- Call it.
- Tails.

It is tails.

Punch.

What's up, baby?

Those guys are trying
to steal our booze.

- What?
- We gotta get the alcohol...

...so we can get the girls drunk
so we can finally get laid.

I am McLover.

- Yeah, I know.
- I am McLover.

- Stop saying that.
- I am McLover.

God, you are such a douche.

Yeah, fake ID, what?

Just get the booze.

Nobody tries to steal my Goldschläger.

Shoot the target.

Lisa, how am I supposed to do that?
I don't even have a clear shot.

- Curve the bullet.
- Say what?

You can control the bullet
to go wherever you want.

Don't tell him what to do. He's my man.

Back off, bitch.
You don't want none of me.

Shit.

Get off of me.

Come on, bitch.

Take that, bitch.

How do you like that?

Pretty little thing.
Oh, look at you laying there.

I should kiss you. Give me a kiss, baby.

Left foot, yellow.

Calvin?

Calvin.

- Are you gonna curve the bullet or what?
- Hello?

Yeah. Yeah, right, right.

Let's go back to my hot tub.
You can suck on my...

- Damn.
- Sorry, Phil.

Shit. I can... I can do this.

- Shit. Hurry up.
- Dude.

Just curve the bullet.

I know you have the power.

Fucking hurry up. Hurry up.

Nice shot, asshole.

Juney, why won't you
Have an abortion?

You're not exactly part of
The Christian Coalition

I could just grab a wire hanger
And do it myself

Like Jamie Lynn Spears
I'm keeping this baby

And, look, stud
You are no George Clooney

In fact, I just sold the baby
To the highest bidder on eBay

You're a sarcastic teen
Who talks like she's 30...

- Think Amy's coming tonight?
- Man, I don't know.

That's your girlfriend.

Actually, we broke up.

Oh, you want some new booty.

- A little Asian freak.
- No...

A little "One Night in Bangkok,"
a little sake-sake.

I saw Memoirs of a Geisha.
I know that shit goes on.

I'm in love with her.

Then what your dumb ass
break up with her for?

It never would've worked out.

It's better to end it
than to end up hurting her.

You know what?
You got commitment issues, dog.

Well, I didn't exactly have
the best example growing up.

I never even knew my dad.
He split when I was young.

That's your girl right there.

Who's that dude she with?

She started dating some
Calvin Klein underwear model.

Forget about her, man.
I got something that'll cheer you up.

Dude, what is up
with the marching band?

What better way to celebrate
your super-duper Sweet 16...

...than with a high school musical?

Tonight, tonight
We're gonna get real crunk

Tonight, tonight,
A bum's peeing in the punch

Hello, my friends
You're all at my party

It's so good to see all of you

My ex-girl, Amy
And my main man, Calvin

And the priest that molested me too

That reminds me
Of the time I was in college

I was experimenting

Hooking up with a hot
Foreign-exchange student

I think his name was Hop Sing

We'll all be friends forever

Unless a random disaster
Destroys the city

We'll all be friends forever

Because if that happened
It'd be kind of shitty

One, two, three, four

After we split
I took the break-up real hard

- I started foolin' around
- Foolin' around

I did a black dude
I thought he was Kanye

And the Jonas Brothers all got down

Now that you're split
I'll get her hooked on the reefer

Yeah, I'll start pimping her out

- Wait, what?
- Hey, hey, now.

Snoop Dogg's got nothin' on this playa

I'll get the first prize at the Playa's Ball

Hey, hey, man, whoa!

Yeah, it's going on and on
We can do it all day long

It's the new phenomenon, whoa!

Yeah, it's going on and on
It's the new phenomenon

We'll all be friends forever

Unless a random disaster
Destroys the city

We'll all be friends forever

Because if that happened
It'd be kind of shitty

One, two, three, four

J.T.'s here. J. T!

Oh, babe

If I sang you a melody

Would you toss me
Your panties?

I don't mean to be a boastful man

But I've done groupies
in my touring van

Britney, Cameron, Scarlett too

They all like a taste of my fondue

Come to think of it
I've had so much ass

All that's left for me is Lance Bass

Look, everyone. It's Jessica Simpson.

My boobs are for Jesus

All of this, all for Jesus

Put your pants back on, Dad.

Go, Romo! Oh, my God.
He's gonna score a basket goal.

Wait. What's it called again?
Oh, my gosh, I totally forget.

What is it, a rubdown?

What? A tickle down.

Oh, a touchdown.

Frigging jinx.

Gosh.

We'll all be friends forever

Unless a random disaster
Destroys the city

We'll all be friends forever

Because if that happened
It'd be kind of shitty

One, two, three, four, hooray!

What's going on?

What the hell was that?

This is an emergency broadcast.

This is an emergency broadcast.

Shut up, everybody. Listen.

Something has jolted the city.

We're getting reports it could be
an earthquake or some shit like that.

Oh, shit.

Seismologists have marked
the epicenter at a trendy loft district...

... whose residents
are attractive twentysomethings...

... who dance to bad '80s music...

... wear Abercrombie & Fitch,
and like to drink light beer.

Oh, God, we're all gonna die!

Take a Xanax, Fabio.

You're wigging harder than a
smack addict at an lggy show circa '73.

What?

It's cool, Moe Dee. Sir Cries-a-Lot.

You're totally giving me the stink eye.

FYI, Battlecrotch Galactica...

...you're grape smuggling
harder than Cornelius...

...in Planet of the Apes.
The original, not Tim Burton's.

And BT-dubs,
I haven't seen a six-pack like that...

...since I shotgunned
Molson Golden at Lollapalooza.

I don't understand a thing you're saying.

That's because I speak in overly written,
clever-for-clever's-sake quips.

Time to get this sea monkey plastered.

This is an emergency broadcast.

- Amy. Are you okay?
- Yeah.

Why did you bring
another guy to my party?

- Why do you care?
- Because l...

I don't.

I'm out of here.

Later, bitch.

You know what, Will?

Every time we made love,
I was thinking about another guy.

Well, so was I.

- Damn it.
- Will!

You gotta hear this.

The quake erupted a gas main
and destroyed the ghetto.

- I can live with that.
- Oh, hell, no.

- Cracker.
- We're now getting reports...

... that asteroids are falling
out of the sky and...

End of the world.

And a Pinkberry
has just been destroyed.

It's like my dream.

I repeat, a Pinkberry
has just been destroyed.

God, what the hell's happening?

- I think it's the apocalypse.
- It's Armageddon.

I think I just shit myself.

Let's go.

Oh, my God. Hannah Montana's dead.

Oh, no.

Well, goodbye, all my fans.

Keep rocking.

She is a national treasure!

Also, remind your parents...

...to pick up your official
Hannah Montana lunchbox...

...Hannah Montana cheese grater...

...and Hannah Montana toilet paper.

And be sure to tune in
to my Summer in Montana concert...

...this Wednesday, 8, 7 Central.

I waited in line
for two days for these tickets.

Damn.

And let me just say, those totally sexy
and utterly provocative pictures of me...

...were leaked onto MySpace
completely without my permission.

But if you'll notice in those pictures...

...l'm wearing my new line of sexy...

...Hannah Montana lingerie,
now available at Target.

Oh, my God. Hannah Montana
is really Miley Cyrus.

Well, duh. No shit, Sherlock.

All I do is wear a wig
and change my voice a little bit...

...and those dumb kids
can't tell the difference.

Then I get twice the pay
and twice the merchandise.

Just a reminder,
my new CD comes out.

Miley Cyrus: Underage.

It's available in stores now.
Featuring songs from my dad, Billy Ray.

Only 9.95.

Can somebody help us?

Isn't there anybody that can help?

Hey, Hancock.

Hancock?

We need help.

Wake up, you drunk motherfucker.

Get your punk ass up,
fly down there, and fix that shit.

Asshole!

Oh, hell, no.

Big Willie's out of here.

I need a drink.

Holy shit!

- It's coming this way.
- What should we do?

- Come on, guys. Let's get out of here.
- Let's go!

This way. Over here.
Come on. Come on.

Go, go, go.

- What are we gonna do now?
- Baby, I don't know.

Look, we'll just...

We'll wait out the storm here
until it passes by.

Hey.

This is our hiding place.

Get lost. Right, Carrie?

Hello, lover.

Unless you wanna fight.

Look, we don't want any trouble.

I never back down.

- Get some.
- As you can see, I already did.

And so I thought: Could a simple
New York City gal like me...

... really beat the shit
out of a pregnant teenager? I wonder.

Like Dolph Lundgren in Rocky IV,
I must break you.

- Yes!
- Yeah!

I'm lactating. Moo.

Got milk?

Oh, God.

- Is that your feet?
- Yeah.

And this is my baby's foot.

Smell it.

And taste it.

Suck on my placenta.

- Yeah!
- Oh, Carrie.

Carrie, darling, are you all right?

Come on, ladies.
Let's get out of here now.

- What the hell's going on?
- I don't know.

Wake up and smell the Prius.

I know it's an inconvenient truth,
but it's called global warming.

No. No, it's not global warming.

Amy Winehouse
came to me in my dreams...

...after I fought an American Gladiator.

I think it has something to do
with the crystal skull...

Come on. Crackhead Winehouse?
Crystal skull?

You sound like a crazy man.

Look, it's getting late. Let's just stay
here tonight and wait out the storm.

I'm freezing.

We gotta take off our clothes.

- What?
- Our bodies will keep each other warm.

Otherwise, we're not gonna make it
through the night.

Yeah. Yeah.

He's right. Come on.

I think my water's gonna break.

Water?

What the...?

Sorry.

Look, I have something to tell you.
I'm not really a banker.

- I'm a jumper.
- A what?

I can teleport through time and space.

I hope we stay together forever.

I love you.

Later.

I am Prince Caspian,
here to save Narnia.

Little help?

You guys?

It's the guy who ruined Star Wars.

- What?
- Will, we saw your dream.

- Oh, man.
- Man, you messed shit up with Amy.

You're lucky a girl like that
would even talk to you.

She's hot, sexy. She got a job.

- Man, that girl out your league.
- She's not out of my league.

Shit, she gotta put up
with your stank breath.

Not to mention your
abnormally high plumber's crack.

Man, put your shirt down.

All right. You're right, you're right.
I messed up with Amy.

I never should've let her go.

Jesus Christ. That was a rump shaker.

Okay, here's the plan.
We gotta get the hell up out this city.

What you say?

What the hell y'all doing leaving me?

Keep it moving, people. Nothing to see.

All the disasters have been contained.
The city is secure.

Shit.

Sick.

Like I said, keep moving.
It's under control.

I'm out of here.

- What was that?
- That was a head. That was a head.

- Hello?
- Whose head?

- Hello?
- Will, it's me.

Amy, where are you?

I'm at work at the museum.
I was worried about the artifacts.

- Are you okay?
- I'm scared.

It's gonna be all right, I promise. Listen.

There is something
that I need to tell you...

...and I should've told you long before.
I was an idiot.

I love you.

Oh, baby, I love you too.

What do...? What do you say?
Do you still love me?

Yes, yes, of course, yes.

Say something.

Say something, you stuck-up bitch.

Asshole.

Hello? Hello, Amy?

Shit.

Oh, what the...?

- We gotta go back.
- Say what?

Amy's in trouble.
I'm going back for her.

I let her go before.
I'm not losing her again.

Man, you crazy. There's all kinds
of shit breaking out in the city.

We don't leave right now,
we're gonna die.

It's something I gotta do.

You guys keep going.

No, I'm your boy, man.
I'm gonna roll with you.

Yeah, I mean, I'm already knocked up...

...so, what other shenanigans
can I really get into?

I mean, I'm more bloated
than Vince Vaughn in The Break-Up...

...or Vince Vaughn in Fred Claus...

...or I guess Vince Vaughn in general.

- So let's go.
- Yeah, please.

Lisa, come on.

- No, guys.
- Come on, baby.

I really have a bad feeling about this.

Lisa!

They killed Lisa!

- Lisa!
- Come on, come on.

- They killed Lisa! You bastards!
- Come on, come on. We gotta go.

Come on.

I'm really sorry about your girlfriend,
home skillet.

Lo ciento about your main squeeze,
kemosabe.

I'd offer you my sexual favors, but
I've got a lot of mucus discharge lately.

Lisa was a great girl.

Lisa who?

Oh, where am I?

Oh, what an enchanting place.

It smells like meat and stress.

Wonderful.

What magical creature are you?

My dear prince

You have rescued me
You've caught me in your arms

Actually, you landed on my balls

Let me guess.

An evil witch banished you
from your fairy-tale kingdom?

No, my silly, pasty, quirky teen.

Actually, I'm just a demented
homeless chick who lives in the sewers.

- How'd you end up there?
- Drugs.

Lots and lots and lots...

...of mind-altering, enchanting drugs!

I don't judge.

It's dangerous out there.

You might wanna come with us
if you wanna live.

- Okay.
- All right.

- Goodbye. Oh, I'm going with you.
- Yes, you are.

The Natural History Museum
is just uptown. Let's go.

Dreams and fairy tales
My true love

Talking squirrels and magic and stuff

No, princess, wait.
Where are you going?

And who's that Moorish ruffian?

I'm her new boyfriend. What it do?

Very funny, dark peasant.
I'm Prince Edwin.

- Princess, he your pimp?
- Oh, good heavens, yes.

But that's all right.
I could have a pimp and a boyfriend.

Oh, what to do?

Whichever prince can vanquish
the other shall win my hand.

You ready to step up?

Wait. You mean like
the first Step Up movie...

...where the street-dancer dude
went to the dance academy?

No, I was thinking
more like Step Up 2...

...when the tough street-dancing chick
went to dancing academy.

I feel you.

He ain't ready for me. Juney, Will,
I'm about to break him down, baby.

You want some? Well, here you go.

Oh, a hoedown?

It's crazy-shirt man.

Oh, no, no, no.

It's just my sleeve.

Oh, come on.

He's double-jointed.
Who cares about that?

There must be a mirror somewhere.

Make some room. Make some room.

Make some room.

- Come on, chubby.
- Okay.

What? What? What?

Oh, damn, that ho is all on point.

That bitch better work.
She is off the chizzain.

I think she's crowning.

I want to dance.

I'm not sure I can though. I'm not sure.

L... Don't pressure me!

I'm ready.

Oh, look out. Look at her coming in.

Oh, yeah.

I'm out of here.

Bye.

She's all yours, bro.

It's a twister!

Run! Run!

Is there anyone that can save us?

We need a hero.

I am Iron Man.

Oh, man! That twister shat out a cow.

Shit. That's so messed up.

Now you're pissing me off.

I'm the only badass around here.

Oh, damn!

Another cow?

What was that?

It's not nice.

Look at me. Look at this.

It's a lobster claw.

Whatever.

Look, I'm carrying a lot of baggage.
I didn't need that, man.

Don't make me angry.
You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

There's aspects of my personality
that I can't control.

At least he didn't get hit with a cow.

- Man!
- Hey, Casanova, forget Amy.

We're never gonna make it
to the museum.

I know she's still alive.

Hello? Jojo?

Jojo? No, no, it's me.

Will. Will, I'm trapped.

An Egyptian statue fell on me
during the earthquake.

Stay calm, Amy. Just stay calm.

I'm so scared. I'm so scared.

All right, Amy, listen to me. Don't panic.

I will be there, I promise.

Amy? Amy?

Guys, I'm going back for her.

You can't save her if you're dead!
Come on, let's go!

- I'll be there as soon as I can.
- Go, go.

Goodbye.

- Amy. No!
- Will, let's go.

- No! Damn it!
- You got to!

I know you think I'm crazy...

...but these disasters have to do
with the crystal skull.

- It's like TMTH.
- TM what?

Too much to handle.

Bitch, why you don't just say that?

Why everything a goddamn acronym
with you?

Chilly Willy out, LL Not Cool J.

Oh, do stop all of this quarreling.
Honestly.

Now, who's hungry?

Delicious.

Whatever.

Would you like some?

No.

What?

Y'all, that's my Get Smart phone.
Just give me a minute.

You got poop.

Just a smidge.

Did I get it? Did I get it all?

What y'all looking at me like that for?

You got... Yeah.

Is it right there?

- It's fine.
- Just go:

Just... I get it all the time, all over.

What it do?

Hey, y'all, it's Lisa's mom.

I gotta tell her what happened
to her daughter.

Hi, Miss Heller.

Lisa...

Lisa dead.

But booyah!

I met this fine, hot
enchanted-princess chick...

...willing to do anything
and everything I want.

You gotta talk to her. Talk to her.

Hello? Oh, yes, he's right.
I will do anything. Truly.

I'm not referred to on the street
as the Cavernous Princess for nothing.

A nomenclature well-deserved,
most assuredly.

If you've got 5 bucks or some meth,
I'll show you.

One time I hooked up
with a 100-year-old wizard.

His penis kept reappearing
in all sorts of different places.

Never again.

You're so cool.
We should totally hang out.

She's awesome.

Look, we gotta get to Amy
at the Natural History Museum.

Oh, my.

- Oh, no.
- I can't see anything.

- Neither can I.
- Somebody is totally feeling me up.

- Calvin.
- I didn't do it.

They're so perky.
They're filled with milk.

What the hell was that?

Wonderful.
What adorable woodland creatures.

I'm not merry, really. That didn't...
I mean, that didn't make me merry.

I don't feel merry, I guess.

Man, them guys are all right.

That's cute. That's cute.

Okay, you guys are not
Alvin and the Chipmunks, are you?

I think that one's got rabies.

Where you going, punk-ass?

Alvin!

Get him off!

Chipmunks love nuts.

Get him off! What the hell?
I thought you was my friend!

Salty.

You're hitting the wrong thing! You...!

I feel left out.
No one's biting my flesh. Pooh.

Is that the best you got, pussy?

You are such a girl.

Redrum!

Where'd he go?

Yeah!

Don't bite me. Get lost!

Oh, boy, tasty vertebrae.

- Juney.
- Let her go.

Let her go, man.
Ain't nothing we can do.

But she's still alive.

They're munching me harder...

...than Rachael Ray chowing down
eggs Benedict on $40 a Day.

Yeah.

Even when the bitch is dying,
she don't shut up with her witty repartee.

Hey, BFFs, what's the 411 on the 911?

Oh, she is rather annoying.

WTH? I'm so not ROTFLOL'ing...

...but please KIT, before I get 187'd.

Blog you later.

- Finally.
- Finally.

That was just the amuse bouche.
Now the main course.

- Come back here, you bitches.
- Bitches!

I'll get you in your grill.

Pussies.

Die!

Can't breathe. Need air.

Shitheads!

Is everybody okay?

Yeah, I'm okay.

Hey, baby, your knees
are all skinned up.

Oh, yes, but that's not
from the chipmunks.

But I do have this terrible headache.

Head On.
Apply directly to the forehead.

Head On.
Apply directly to the forehead.

Head On.
Apply directly to the forehead.

Head On.
Apply directly to the forehead.

I just... I just did.

I said, Head On, bitch.

- Apply directly to the forehead.
- Whatever.

Don't cop an attitude, slut.

I said, apply Head On directly
to your goddamn forehead.

Okay, okay. Happy?

Look, you little white-trash
piece of shit...

... Head On, motherfucker.

Apply directly to your
motherfucking forehead.

Okay? There. It's all over.

Head on, face on, nose on, eyes on.

Oh, that's great.

My headache is gone...

...but I still have that dreadful
yeast infection.

Sourdough anyone?

- I could've did without that.
- Let's get to the museum.

- Let's go!
- Move it!

Out of the way!

Excuse me, sir.

What's going on?
Where's everybody going?

It's a mass evacuation. Everyone
has to leave the city right now.

Hold up, hold up.
You leaving, Batman?

Shit. Yes. Yeah, I'm leaving. Okay?
I don't wanna die.

Not on my schedule today.
Not on my to-do list.

It wasn't, "Wake up, make breakfast, jog,
science experiment, die."

Not on it. Not on it. Okay?
Are we done?

All right.

Anyone who stays in town
is gonna be buried in rubble.

I hate rubble.

I've gotta get to the Natural History
Museum, to my girl, Amy. She's trapped.

If you go back after your girlfriend,
you have zero chance of survival.

I'll take those odds.

- She must be some piece of pussy.
- She is, sir. She is.

Look, the evacuation bus
is leaving city hall at 2100 hours.

Twenty-one hundred?
Hold on, what is...? That's...

- Five, carry the six...
- Nine p.m.

I'm gonna save you your crazy math.
It's 9 p.m.

You start at noon, then nine hours later.

That's 9. That's the time you need
to get on those evacuation buses...

...or you're dead.

Dead?

Come on, it's already 5:30.

Say again, 5:30? Oh, Jesus.

Oh, God. I wasted the whole day.

I was... I was on Amazon
looking for stuff.

Shit. Why? Why would I
go Christmas shopping today?

Why would I pick today?
Son of a bitch. Okay, plan B.

- Hi.
- Hi.

I'm Batman.

I'm Enchanted Princess.

True story: I had a woman one time...

...tell me I was in the top four
best lovers she's ever had.

That's a true story.

And she had been around the block.

Would you want to watch me
play with myself?

Goodbye.

Come on, let's go.

Break yourself, fool.

You best be getting out of that Mach 5
or I'll toe-tag your ass.

You know, they say that the first kill...

...is supposed to be quite difficult.

But I find it easy. In fact, rather fun.

Take it. Do it.

Look, Ma, no eyes.

I didn't have a mother!

That was better than sex with a camel.

What? We're just playing
with my monkey.

Let's roll.

Oh, my!

Come on!

Run.

We gotta keep going.

These glass slippers
are awfully hard to run in.

Help. Help.

Amy.

- You came back for me.
- I love you, Amy.

I know. I love you too.

Now get this freaking spear
out of my shoulder.

Yeah.

- Okay.
- It hurts.

Okay. All right.

She's pinned through to the floor, guys.

This isn't gonna be easy.
Calvin, I'm gonna need your help.

Right.

- What was that for?
- I was trying to knock her unconscious...

...so she wouldn't feel pain.

Good thinking.

- Baby, this is for your own good.
- Okay.

Man, you hit like a pussy. Let me try.

Man, this girl can take a hit.

Why?

It's not working.
Let's just pull it out of her.

On the count of three.

One, two, three.

Good job.

We gotta get out of here.
This place is gonna collapse.

No. Not until we return this...

...back to the altar.

A magic bong.

The crystal skull.
The one from my dreams.

Now, legend has it that if the
crystal skull is missing from the altar...

...it's the end of the world.
Earthquakes...

...asteroids, return of the Spice Girls.

Yes!

The apocalypse.

And you know this shit
because you're the docent?

I saw Indiana Jones and the Kingdom
of the Crystal Skull.

Do you know what this means?

Me dreaming about the skull,
and you knowing about the skull?

- That we were destined to be together?
- No, that we both really love skulls.

But that too.

Will, we gotta get out of here.
It's almost 9:00.

If we don't make it to them
evacuation buses, we're gonna die.

Go, Calvin.

I'm staying here with Amy.
We're returning the skull to the altar.

- See you.
- Nice meeting you.

Let's find that altar.

What's happening?

Everything in the museum
is coming to life.

Hell, no!

Bully! Bully!

Yes!

- Let's get the hell up out of here.
- Drugs are great.

- The altar to the crystal skull is this way.
- Okay.

I am Beowulf.

Hello.

What?

I am Beowulf.

- Can you put some clothes on?
- I am Beowulf.

I fought the monster Grendel with
no armor, and that is how I'll fight you.

Wait. You fight naked?

I am Beowulf.

That's kind of gay, bro.

It's not... It's not gay. It's...

No, I'm sorry. That's gay.

It's not gay. It's not.

It's how we do it in 507, dick.

- Ask anybody.
- All right, I will. I'll ask my friend Paul.

We're boating tomorrow.
I'll ask him when we're out in the seas.

- Paul?
- My friend Paul, who is my partner.

He's my friend. We're also partners.

- Life partner?
- No, business partners.

We opened an antique shop together.

- That's gay.
- Why is that gay?

Why are antiques gay? Because
I like old things that are kitschy?

I'm Beowulf!

Excuse me, are you ready
to get your ass kicked?

Oh, hell, no, Kung Fu Panda.

You shouldn't have done that.

Get ready to feel the thunder.

Your girl looks familiar, man.

Last year, I paid her 20 bucks
for 20 minutes, if you know what I mean.

It's true. And a curious factoid:

Pandas actually have
three descending testicles.

That's it.

Oh, shit.

Oh, wonderful job.

My dear prince
You have defended my honor

Kiss me, baby.

- You a dude?
- I'm a trannie. I thought you knew.

No.

Get him, Will.

- I am Beowulf.
- Yeah, I know already.

Surrender so we can go get brunch.

And I got us tickets to Jersey Boys.

No.

We can go to my place.

I TiVo'd Dancing with the Stars,
results show.

- No!
- Beowulf!

I wanna take you
on Rosie O'Donnell's cruise.

Just me, you,
and my dear friend George Takei.

Screw this.

I'm Beowulf!

Beowulf out.

Hurry, we're running out of time.

Indiana Jones?

Indiana, my ass.

I'll take it from here.

Thanks, son.
That's right, I'm your father.

- You're my dad?
- Your mom got around.

- A real slut, actually.
- Right, I get it.

She did this special thing...

...with her big toe and candle wax...
- Okay.

I'm sorry I walked out
on you and your mother.

But I got an adventurous spirit...

...and a hot-ass whore
in every major city.

What do we have here?

Is this your girl?

- Yeah.
- What a nice young lady.

And you got some shape on you.

Yeah, baby. You're so nice.

- And you got some ass on you.
- Dad.

- Oh, so beautiful.
- Dad.

If a nice ass meant a hamburger,
baby, you'd have a Whopper.

- Oh, shit.
- Dad.

Do you do Pilates?
I'm just asking. Just asking.

Don't do what your old man did.
Settle down.

Hell, I got gonorrhea so many times...

...my johnson looked like a melted
Baby Ruth.

Hell, in the '70s, my nickname was
Chlamydia Jones.

There is no cure for herpes,
and I bullshit you not.

Thanks, Dad.

- This looks easy.
- Not as easy as it used to be.

Oh, shit, my hip.

- You know I gotta get my hustle on.
- Bye, Dad.

I'm gonna make it.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Oh, shit!

That hurts. Oh, shit!

Why don't you just walk to the altar?
It's like 10 feet away.

Silly girl.

No, don't cry. I'll be fine.

I am the Guru Shitka.

And we are here today
to bring together Amy and Will...

...in a union of peace and happiness.

And to point out, gee,
Amy, you are totally hot. TM.

Amy, do you take Will...

...to be your peanut butter and jelly
that goes into your love belly?

I do.

And, Will, do you take Amy
to be your doughnut of love...

...that you'll fill with cream every day?

I do.

Well, in that case, give her a pound.

Lock it down.

Break the pickle.

Now, tickle my pickle.

I love you, Will.

I love you too, Amy.

But there's something I should tell you.

What is it?

I'm fucking Matt Damon

You're fucking Matt Damon?

Well, I'm fucking Hannah Montana

She's fucking Hannah Montana

Backstage at my concert
Fucks me on my parents' bed

After school, at my locker,
In the car I give her head

I'm also fucking the Flava

Yeah, boy
She's fucking Flava-Flav, fool

You know what time it is
Because I'm fucking Juney too

Yeah, I know, but it's true
Flava-Flav, he fucks me too

And I swap with Calvin
And he swaps with that dude

And we're all fucking Hellboy

Yeah, they're fucking Hellboy
And I'm fucking the Hulk

When I get really mad
I start fucking Iron Man

A most uncomfortable screw
But I fuck the princess too

Who's that ringing on my bell?

The bitch who's fucking Iron Man

That's l-R-O-N M-A-N
And I fuck him in the mouth

That's fucking great
Because I'm fucking Wolf

He's fucking Wolf
Ain't that a pity?

Because I'm fucking those bitches
From Sex and the City

He fucks the Sex and the City gals

So I wondered:
Would Wolf really get jealous...

...if he knew we were fucking
that guy with the big utility belt?

They're all fucking Batman

At Wayne Manor, in the Batcave
Butler Alfred is our love slave

Riddle me this
Holy bathhouse

I'm fucking Amy Winehouse?

He's fucking Amy Winehouse

Yeah, on the down-low, low, low

And I'm fucking Jessica Simpson

'Cause I'm on blow, blow, blow

She's fucking Jessica Simpson
Oh, yeah

And I think I might have fucked
That hot assassin

Everyone's fucked me
And I've fucked them back, you see

And the Mexican too
With the tragic hairdo

Call it, heads, I'm fucking J. T.

I'm fucking that male model
'Cause he's so fine

And I like to get up
In them Calvin Kleins

It's true, J. T. Fucked my ass again
But I'm also fucking Prince Caspian

I am handsome and I am cool

That's why this prince
Fucks the kids from high school

- Come on
- Let's hear it

- Now's the time to party
- Let me hear you

- You know what time it is?
- No, what time is it?

- It's time to get fucked
- Fuck me

- No, fuck me
- Fuck me

He fucks all us kids in high school

Under the bleachers, in the showers
While we're changing for gym class

- I'm fucking Oprah
- I'm fucking Obama

I'm fucking Indiana's ass

She's fucking Indiana
And I'm fucking Hancock

He's fucking Hancock
And I'm fucking Beowulf

You know you like it
And I'm fucking Kung Fu Panda

And I'm fucking Michael Jackson

Don't judge me
I love my animals, you see

Oh, yeah, he's fucking the Chipmunks

Sad to say, but it's true
He fucks the Chipmunks, yeah

You just got Wolfed.

That's a little move I learned in jail.

Yeah, I was in jail.

Wolf wrote some bad checks in '95.

Left foot, yellow.

Oh, that's right, I fall.

Sorry about that. This is mine.
Sorry. I'm sorry.

Wait. Oh, this is my jam.

Oh, okay. You get on it.

I am Beowulf.

I'm the strongest man
in seven kingdoms.

Let myself go a little bit.

Got a little bit flabby.

I went on that Zone Diet...

...but I would eat like a whole week's
worth of meals in like two days...

...and then be back to square one.

If you've got crack anywhere,
I don't care where it comes from...

If it's in your crack...
If the crack's in your crack.

"If the crack's in your crack."
Oh, that's rich.

You ever been
with a bald doctor before?

- No.
- We give better...

Do I look like Harrison Ford to you?

- He your pimp?
- Oh, good heavens, yes.

Oh, what to do? Yes, I've got it.

You can be my prince of light,
and you can be my prince of darkness.

- Yes. No? Okay.
- No.

Left foot, yellow.

Look at this onion.

Baby, how did you get into it with him.
You should be with me.

Also, when I make love to a girl,
she's also been Wolfed.

I don't hit her with a stick,
I just have sex with her.

Or him. Doesn't matter.

Wolf goes both ways,
you know what I'm saying?

I got us tickets
to Madonna's reunion show...

...and then I wanna
kiss your sweet face.

No!

Take it from the top again.
She says, "Hello."

Don't hit her so hard.
Just hit her really lightly.

Okay?

Good enough for me.

It's all very funny.

Cut.

Oh, it's my Blake, incarcerated.
Hi, Blakey.

How are you? I love you.

He did not kill those three prostitutes.

They were already dead when he
got to them. I'm swearing to God.

Look, I have to tell you something.
I'm not really a banker.

As my voice cracks.

Look, I have something to tell you.
I'm not really a banker. I'm a jumper.

I can teleport through space and time.

- What is it again? Time and space.
- Time and space.

Look, I have something to tell you.

I'm not really a banker. I'm a jumper.

- A what?
- I can teleport through time...

You're a talking panda.

Come back to my magical kingdom,
and I'll show you my talking beaver.

It just keeps coming.

Knock, knock. Who's there?
Milk in your mouth.

Hey, is my singing stick on?
It is on? Is the singing stick on?

You know, everyone wants to know
where I got my:

It all started one night
when I was crying in my truck.

Yeah. I ain't crying no more, man.

Fourteenth highest-rated show on TV.

I got a time-share in Key West.

Oh, baby, I make shoes

And these are my boobs

I want you to see me
in my birthday suit.

I want you to watch me
take a bubble bath.

I'm gonna play around with the bubbles
and make a little beard.

Pretend I'm Santa Claus.

Oh, son, I'm loving this.

Hang on a bit.
You're a bit of stuff, aren't you?

Look at you.
What are you packing under there?

What are you hiding under that?

I can see your sausage and biscuits.

I love sausage and biscuits.

Wonderful!

I'd like to get you naked
and analyze you.

Oh, shit.

Do you like this shirt?
I totally made it myself.

Well, it's because I ripped it.
It's because I burned it.

I was leaning over my birthday candles.

I was gonna blow them out,
make a wish.

Instead my shirt caught on fire.

Son, if you go back for your girlfriend,
you have zero chance of survival.

I'll take those odds.

Do you hear that train?

Son, if you go back for your girlfriend,
you have zero chance of survival.

I'll take those odds.

You hear that train again?
You hear that again, that second time?

Son, if you go back for your girlfriend,
you have zero chance of survival.

I'll take those...

Train. I knew it was coming too. Yeah.

- Is that the train we should catch?
- No, no. Take a...

Couple more?

You're hot. Are those things real?

Hey, everybody, be sure to remember
to always use Proactiv. It helped me.

It helped my skin
It helped my skin

It helped my skin
It helped my skin, baby

It helped me. I used to have it
all around this part of my face...

...and all around my talking hole...

...and then out of this squishy part
right here.

I had it everywhere, and now it's gone.

There's a medical term
for what you do to me: Horny.