Dirty Duck (1974) - full transcript

(rock music)

(upbeat music)

(horse whinnying)

(upbeat music)

(car honking)

- Aw, thank you ever so much for watching

another fine late night feature.

I hope you enjoyed watching
as much as we enjoyed

showing it to you.

Right, Lightening?

Oh sure, Lightening enjoyed
showing it to you, too.



(laughing)

(gun bangs)

You be sure and tune in
tomorrow for our action-packed

late night movie, Dirty Duck.

(screaming)

(laughing) Now this is a
story of a big dime insurance

man gone berserk on a rampage of rape,

murder, and mayhem.

Oh, it's gonna be a nasty one,
so you be sure to watch it.

Lightening and I will be watching it.

And now, good night, folks.

See ya tomorrow.

Right, Lightening?

Now don't make--
(loud screeching)



Don't make an old lady like--

Oh, (faint speaking).

(woman screaming)
(gun bangs)

He says right too, folks (laughing).

(piano music)

(upbeat music)

- [Willard] I don't prize the word cheap.

It's just not a word of hope,
it's not a word of cheer, huh?

It is the badge of poverty,

the signal of distress, huh?

Cheap service means cheap mean

and cheap men mean a cheap country.

- [Announcer] William
McKinley, 24th president

of the United States was shot in the back

by an assassin with a cheap hand gun.

Bang.

(rock music)

♪ Now this is a cheap little movie ♪

♪ And I am a cheap little guy ♪

♪ I'm going to abuse your eardrums ♪

♪ I'm going to make fun of your eyes ♪

♪ This old movie is a great
big pile of shame, yeah ♪

♪ But I'm glad to be with it ♪

♪ And I'm proud to be a part of it ♪

♪ Oh yeah, oh yeah ♪

♪ Oh yeah, oh yeah ♪

♪ It's great to have work in a movie ♪

♪ It's great to have something to eat ♪

♪ Eat ♪

♪ I could just be out doing sessions ♪

♪ Like all of the dots in the street ♪

♪ It's true you may never understand ♪

♪ What this film's about, yeah ♪

♪ But I'm the guy singing ♪

♪ And you're the dope
who paid to find out ♪

♪ Oh yeah, oh yeah ♪

♪ Oh yeah, oh yeah ♪

♪ Oh yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ It's so cheap ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, it's so cheap ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

(lamp clicking)

♪ Yeah, it's so cheap ♪

(soft music)

- Willard, wake up!

This is the day.

(soft music)

(yawning)

- Oh, this is the day.

(rock music)

♪ Wake up, it's a beautiful morning ♪

♪ Everything good is coming your way ♪

♪ Big smiles and sunshine ♪

♪ And often been showing
how it's going today ♪

♪ You know, you better be there ♪

♪ Tonight, I'll see ya in Belize ♪

♪ 'Cause it doesn't matter now ♪

♪ This is the day that,
you said it's the way ♪

♪ That you know it's better here ♪

♪ Whoa, it seems so amazing ♪

♪ The feelings you feeling ♪

♪ Seem to flow naturally ♪

♪ And Willard, it's elementary ♪

♪ When she smiles at you, it
bet you smile back at me ♪

♪ So don't you try too hard. ♪

♪ You're about to cover
just the way you are ♪

♪ Now I'm sure you made ♪

♪ You gotta find the
things she can't forget ♪

♪ No matter how she tries ♪

♪ It's hard to describe
her feelings inside ♪

♪ When she looks in your eyes ♪

♪ And tells you her lies ♪

♪ The love in your eyes ♪

♪ She loves when her thighs ♪

♪ Just how happy these could be ♪

♪ This could be the day ♪
- This is the day.

I'll do it!

♪ The day, the day ♪

♪ This could be the day ♪

- I'll do it, yeah.

I know it's the day, I
can feel it's the day.

This is the day I'll do it.

(farting)

(alarm ringing)

(gun bangs)

- Yes, Daisy.

I'm coming!

Oh now, don't get upset.

I'm coming, dearie.

Oh, that's a good kitty.

- Oh, oh, excuse me.

- Oh, good morning, Willard!

- I'm gonna really do it today

- Do it?

- Yes, ma'am.

- Do what?

- Ask her out today.

Today, I'm gonna ask her to marry me.

- Oh, buy Willard!

You haven't even spoken to her before.

- I know, but today is the day.

(meowing)

I knew it for sure when
I was sitting on the--

Ooh!
- Well, you shouldn't rush

those things, you know.
(cat yelping)

- Yes, ma'am, I know, but
it thought about this one

a long time.

- Oh, but Willard, she
just started working

with you this week.

- Well sometimes,
sometimes a week is enough.

- But it's only Tuesday!

(upbeat music)

(car engine choking)

(rock music)

(door slamming)

(rock music)

(loud banging)

(rock music)

(loud crunching)

- It's only Tuesday!
- Yeah, it won't start.

- It looks fine.
- But it won't start.

(cat yelping)
- Oh Jaysie, be careful!

You almost hurt poor
Willard and he's such a nice

young man, don't you think so?

- [Willard] Oh, bite the weenie.

(gun bangs)

This ain't the day.

(melodic whistling)

- [Woman] Willard, this is the day.

- Well, you never know.

It might be the day.

(horn honking)

Good morning.

- Good morning.

(horn honking)

- Oh, hi there, sugar.

Hi there, Miss American Pie.

You're looking awful good this morning,

a real treat-a-roonie!
- Oh!

- Say listen there, Ms.
Pussy Cat, how's about you

and I stepping out one night?

I could show you one heck of a swell time.

- Well--
- I mean, listen now,

listen to me, listen to big daddy.

I know some spots where a
good time and good time,

good time, good time is
spelled out in red lights.

I mean honey, they shine (mumbles).

- Hey, buddy!

- How's about it, toots?

You and I?

- Hey, hey, sport.

I already got a date three
blocks up the street.

- Well, I really don't.

- We could blow this whole town wide open.

Kaboom!

- Hey, kaboom!

Look, you getting on this bus?

'Cause this bus is leaving now.

- All right, all right.
- Look, don't yell

at me, fella!

- [Man] All right, all right!

After you sugar puss.

Just getting those golden
globes (faint speaking).

- [Woman] Oh!

(bus engine rumbling)

(upbeat music)

(roaring)

(upbeat music)

(growling)

(laughing)

(plane engine buzzing)

(loud explosion)

(growling)

(guns banging)

(faint speaking)
- Hold the bus!

(bus engine rumbling)

(choral music)

(loud smacking)
(man shouting)

(choral music)

(loud smacking)
(man shouting)

(choral music)

(loud smacking)
(man shouting)

- Heya, you're late again, Eisenbaum.

- Yes, ma'am, I'm sorry, ma'am.

My car, it wouldn't start, the bus--

- Ah listen, Eisenbaum.

Come here for a minute, all right?

I wanna talk to you for a second.

You see this little list
I have written up here?

Well sweetheart, this is my shit list

and you've been at the top of my shit list

so long I'm gonna have to
make a new shit list, you see?

Just for you like, a shit
list private stock, you know?

- Yes, ma'am.

- All right, listen.

Get to work, Eisenbaum, and move your ass.

(upbeat music)

(bizarre music)

(bell dinging)

(melodic whistling)

(soft music)

(typewriter clacking)

(clearing throat)

(loud thudding
(shouting)

- Oh listen, I'm sorry!

I didn't see you.

Here, let me help you.

Listen, I'm real sorry.

I didn't do it on purpose, all right?

Will you stop yelling already?

- Oh, it's all right, it's all right,

it doesn't hurt, it's all right.

It' all right, it doesn't hurt anymore.

It feels good, it feels good.

(shouting)

Oh my golly, I'm sorry!

I mean, I didn't mean to.

Oh please, oh please, sit down.

Oh gee wiz, I'm sory!

Jeepers, I'm sorry!

Willikers!

Oh my gosh!

(shouting)

- Look buddy, nobody gets head from Suzy

on the first date.

- Okay, how's about you and I--

out tonight, I mean, I
know how to light you up.

Good times, admid you shine?

How about it, toots?

You and I, we can blow
this burg right open.

We could suck it inside out!

- You know something, buddy?

You're a real schmuck and
if you don't quit kissing

the hem of my dress, you know something?

I'm gonna knock your goddamn teeth out.

- Oh.

I guess this isn't the day.

(typewriter clacking)

Oh, maybe she had a headache.

(phone ringing)

Hello?

(woman jabbering)

Yeah?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I mean, I'm really, really sorry.

I'm not really like that,
I'm suave at everything.

I'm sorry, once you get
to know me, I'm the--

(woman jabbering)
Oh, I'm sorry.

(woman jabbering)

(dial tone buzzing)

(phone ringing)

(loud mumbling)
Yes ma'am,

I'll be right there, yes, ma'am.

- Oh, Willard, you know,
this bullshit's gotta stop

sometimes, you know?

You can go around kissing
the secretaries' hems.

Oh, really, why that little pair of tits

went directly to my boss.

You're in some pretty
deep shit, Eisenbaum.

- Yes, ma'am.

- Here, all right, listen.

Don't worry, go out on this claim

and don't come back today.

Maybe it'll blow over, you know?

Maybe no one'll notice you tomorrow.

- Yes, ma'am.

- Oh, Willard?
- Yes, ma'am?

- So what's the matter with my hem?

(upbeat music)

- Painless Martha's?

(rock music)

♪ La la la la ♪

♪ La la la la ♪

♪ La la la la ♪

♪ We're all living in a jungle ♪

♪ Sugar whites, snapping whites ♪

♪ Snorting whites, gun it down whites ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

- That train's a-rolling!

Oh yeah (mumbles) down.

Mama's (mumbles) yeah, sweet it.

Hey, man!

Hey, hey, man, hey baby,
you want to buy some gas?

Hey brother, oh (mumbles).

How about, would you like

to take onto your nostrils and coke?

Would you like to sniff up some of that

hard snowbird, baby?

Hey baby like, how much
money you got, you know?

- Well, I don't--
- yeah, come on, baby!

Get my black ass over there
on Welfare Road, you know?

'Cause if you don't,
I'm gonna have to sell

yeah black sister's
ass and she a braggart,

she don't like to hump,
especially hunkin'!

I's her brother, I got her same teeth,

much whiter, only I got these thick lips

that can swallow you in
a moment if you don't

give me your (mumbles).

Black and purple as I is,
I still is your brother.

- Well, I'm afraid--
- You know boss,

whatever you got, you just give it to me

and I'll get you high.

I mean, like you never got.

- No, I really don't--
- Come on, baby.

You look like you're doing pretty well!

(croaking)
But you're tight

and you're tense, you know?

- No, no, no,

I'm not tense at all.
- You got to relax

and lay back, you gotta
help a brother, baby.

I ain't asking much.

You give a lot, you get a lot!

- No, no, no.
- Come on, baby.

Don't go away from me.

- No, no, no.
- Don't go away,

sweetie, come on!

I ain't unnatural.

I is laying some heavy jazz on you.

This is reality.

See this car?

It's gonna explode!

(loud booming)

We get your head under them track trains

and it goes sploosh all over this world.

(loud booming)
This is reality,

this is today throwing up in the gutter!

This is everything, cars
screeching and knocking

kids off bicycles.

You can't make that reality go away.

I can, I am the redeemer!

I is heaven, ooh, ooh.

(faint singing)

♪ Right on, right on ♪

(choral music)

- Hey baby, are you sure
you're on the right car?

- No.
- You want to be

on the right car?
- Yeah.

- Well, just give me all the money you got

and I'll get you on the right ca!

Ooh, a dollar 37?

Oh (laughing).

Oh, you a big spender,
you a real high roller!

You a Howard Hoogas, aren't ya?

Hmm, hmm?

(upbeat music)

Okay brothers and sisters, make way!

I'm gonna part your black
asses because this here boy

is Eldridge Cleaver's albino brother.

He got to get to a meeting.

He's got to get a meeting,
a meeting, a meeting.

Let's hear it for the
freakin' meeting, baby!

I will part these black faces like Moses

parted them Hebrews, them (mumbles),

them Jew, Baptists!

You get me that meeting, baby!

(lips smacking)

Come on, mama, move your black ass!

- I can't move!

- Hey, where you gwine anyway?

Oh, (laughing)!

I don believe it!

Painless Martha's!

Ooh, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo!

Wee!

Well, you get on that car right over there

and get off when it stops.

- Okay, and thanks.

- Oh, sho' enough, yes sir, and boy,

can I clean your windshield?

And by the way, say hello to the duck.

- Huh?
(doors slamming)

(upbeat music)

♪ Lord said duck go out and play ♪

♪ In the universe today ♪

♪ He had such enormous fun ♪

♪ He asked his friend Willard to come ♪

♪ You're nothing but a good duck ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ You nothing but a good duck ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ You're nothing but a good duck ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ You're nothing but a good duck ♪

♪ Follow me, the duck can save me ♪

♪ And I will lead you to the way ♪

♪ But don't you try and go too far ♪

♪ After all, it's a duck that you are ♪

♪ You're nothing but a good duck ♪

- Come on, for Christ's sakes, Martha.

You put the mouse on.

Now I need a panner underneath it.

You know what I mean?

Like, with a little flag on the ends

that says, let's see,
death before dishonor.

Aw, or born to lose.

Oh, maybe mom, yeah, oh, mom!

Mom would be good!
- Shut up, duck.

- Come on, Martha.

All the guys on the ship
saying the mouse is dumb.

Look at it, the mouse bites!

I gotta have something neat to go with it.

- Oh, duck!

Would you shut up?

Can't you see I'm busy?

- But you said you'd--
- Oh, duck!

Ah, did anybody ever tell
you you're a pain in the ass?

- Oh, hey mom, come on.

I didn't mean anything by it.

- Okay, okay, okay, I'm busy!

Don't you realize this is life and death?

- Shit mom, I'm sorry.

- Now look here, look here, look at me.

I'm dying right before
your eyes and you want me

to poke needles in your arm.

- You look okay to me, mom.
- Well, I'm not.

The Weegee board says I'm dying!

- Yeah?
- Yeah, yeah.

It says you will die of a bum delivered

by a wizard Tuesday.

- Oh come on, mom.

You don't really believe
a Weegee Board, do ya?

- Oh, hell I don't!

Last time I didn't believe a Weegee board

that said I'd have a good duck.

- Huh, huh?

- So I believe (laughing).

I believe!

- Oh, but mom!

There's no wizard.
(loud knocking)

There's no wizard.

- Oh well, Duck!

Call me Martha.

I mean, people talk (laughing).

(loud knocking)

- Hi, Sailor!

Hey, what'll it be, a panther
stuck to your arm, huh?

- I don't--
- Huh, how about a snake

crawling around your leg, huh?

- I'm not here for--
- Hey, about about

bluebirds, battleship, huh?

Hey!
- No.

- What's your girlfriend's name, huh?

Hey, I know, a chain around
your ankle, huh, huh?

(faint speaking)
Hey, let's show your butt.

Hey, right here, right here

and a little bug,
- No, nothing.

No.
- We can put

a butterfly, huh?
- No.

- What do you say, huh?

(mumbles) Over here.

Hey, what about a wart on the end, huh?

Hey, what'll it be,
how about it, huh, huh?

- Excuse me, are you Painless Martha?

- Oh, oh, no.

Hey--
- Yes?

Mm-hmm, huh, yes?

- Well, my name is Willard
Eisenbaum and I represent

a big-time insurance company.

- Yes?
- Well, it says here

that you filed a claim
listing yourself as dead.

- Yes, I will be any moment!

It's Tuesday!

You see that duck?
- Yeah, how could I help it?

- Well, ooh, isn't he a beauty?

- Yeah.
- It's the proof!

- Ma'am, I'm sorry, you must
realize the company's position.

- Position my ass.

I'm telling you.
- But the company

does not believe in Ouija.

- Well, the company better believe me!

- Madam.
- I paid a lot

of money for this policy
and it better pay up.

- I'm sorry, Madam.
- You get outta here

and don't come back
until you have the money.

- Well gladly, but you'll
get nothing from us

until you're dead!

(loud banging)
(Martha shouting)

- Mom!
- Ow!

- Mom!
(Martha shouting)

- You, you.

You are the wizard.

- Me?
- You!

(Martha croaking)

- Willard, he was a hum,

Willard Eisenbaum.

Oh, oh, the Ouija board was right.

It is Tuesday.

Willard, it's in my--

- Huh, me?

- Oh, you asshole, you
didn't mind last night.

♪ Martha ♪

(Martha groaning)

- Mom!

- Please, call me Martha.

(rock music)

- Martha!

- Ya killed her, ya son-of-a-bitch,

ya killed her and she didn't
even finish my tattoo!

(rock music)

What's in the letter?

- I don't know I mean, read it here.

- Dear Mr. Wizard, you
have just killed me.

Son-of-a-bitch, ya killed
her, and in doing so,

you'll be held responsible for the death.

Hey, huh!

- Oh (faint speaking).
- Huh, you can't be, huh?

- Oh.
- Follow him and he

shall make you free.

Forever yours, Painless Martha, huh?

You gotta be, huh?
- Oh my God,

what have I done?

The duck!

Oh my God!

Wait a minute, hey you, hey,

hey, wait a minute, wait!

She's dead!

She's dead.

- Who's dead, Eisenbaum?

- Painless Martha, the
one with the Ouija board

and the duck was.

She said she would and she did!

And it said so too and
the duck was the proof.

She's dead and I killed her!

- Oh Willard, for Christ's
sake, get off your knees.

- [Willard] Oh God, forgive me!

- Get up off that floor.

- Please, I didn't mean it!

- Eisenbaum.
- Please!

- Now get out, get out of
this office right now, okay?

- [Willard] Lord, help me!

- Ow!

- Lord, help me!
- Ow!

Ow!
- I didn't mean it.

Ow, ow, ow!
- Lord, help me.

- Ow.
- Please, please,

I didn't mean it!

Please!
(bell dinging)

Please!

(loud thudding)

I didn't mean it, please!

She did it!

I killed her in the
(mumbles) of the Ouija board.

I'm all alone on the street.

I gotta watch out for that big thing

with the bill.

I don't--
- Here, Willard.

Put 'em on.

Come on.

(saxophone music)
(toilet flushing)

(man retching)

Hey, Willy boy!

You are looking like someone now.

I mean, I'm going to set you free!

(man retching)

Hope you're feeling better.

(Willard retching)
(horns honking)

(whistle blowing)
(men shouting)

- Hey, hold it!

Get off me!

Who do you think you're holding?

Hey, what do you think
you are dealing with?

(faint speaking) in Miami.

I know John, I know Yoko!

Hey, you can't.

(Yoko wailing)
Shut up, Yoko.

(faint speaking)
(men shouting)

I know all those men.

Hey, this is a free
country, even for a duck!

Hey, let go, oh, let go of me!

Hey, hey!

(men shouting)

(siren wailing)
(men shouting)

(door slamming)

(harmonica music)

(rock music)

- Hey, baby, you funky duck!

Hey, what're you doing in here, say?

- Hey, hey, baby!

What's happening?

Oh, it's a bum wrap, man.

It's false arrest.

- Oh, hear me.

I know (faint speaking).

Imagine cry, yeah, me
too when they done it.

- Hey baby, what's been happening?

- Hey like, you know where you been?

I know (faint speaking).
- Hey, you know,

I've been around, I've
been yellow and webbing it,

you know?
- Webbing it, aha!

Hey, then lay some web on
me you big honky devil.

I love it!

See, can't you get your (mumbles)

as this sign is Eisenburg?

- [Duck] Hey, you two
know each other, huh?

- Well, let me it this way,

he let me say that I just worked for him

at one particular

moment in my--
- Hey, huh, huh!

Willard, Willard, you didn't tell me

that you were into dope.

- Listen, you don't say that!

Man, they can put you in
the can for that shit.

- Hey man, dig it.

You know where I can get
some really good grass?

- Well, let me see if I conjure up

my middle Afro head and let me see

where I could just smell some

- Hey!
- Out for you.

- Look man, I'm a little
down right now, but--

- Look, I'll be floating around this here

cage of animals and maybe
you'll scrounge up something

and be a little up later.

- Hey Willard, you shouldn't be like that!

I mean, he--
- He took my money.

- Hey, but Willard,

what did you get for it, huh, huh?

- You.

- Hey, that's not a bad deal, huh?

- Huh?
- Huh?

- Huh?
- Huh?

- Huh?

- Mm.

(upbeat music)

(loud scraping)

(piano music)

- Hi there.

- Hi there, who's your friend?

- Oh, I love your dress.

Blue's like, the best.

The first time I've ever seen one filled

with feathers.
- Oh!

For God's sakes.
- For having fun.

- My, look at the magician.

I'd like to turn a few tricks.

- What is going on here?

- Just incredible.
- Just relax,

Willard, just relax.
- Do you believe this

nilly queen over here?

Kissy, kissy!
- Well they out

to tell you there's magic.

(loud popping)
- Would you look

at those feet on that duck.

- Oh!
- Would you let go

of my feathers, please?
- Oh, golly!

- I've never shrimped a duck's feet.

I'd certainly like

to get at ya.
- Will you let

go of my web?
- Love some!

- Those are the only feet.

- For heaven's--

Would yous stop sucking
- Oh, my heavens!

- On my finger, please?
- Listen you nelly queen

over there, I'm not kidding.

You stay away from the duck!
- Oh, look

at that.
- Then you go to the--

(man chattering)
Now go to the Houdini's.

I don't give a shit about him,

but just stay stay away from the duck.

(loud biting)
- Oh!

- Here now.
- You pulled my earring off.

- Now you listen to me
- You leave my feathers--

- You fucking--
- Look, I'm bleeding

all over him.
(all chattering)

- Now the poet.
- Get your fingernails

off of my nipples, stop it!

Ow, I'm not kidding you.

Oh, you bitch!

Oh, God, God, I'm bleeding.

Oh, please, oh, heaven!

Oh!

(jaunty music)

- What's the deal?

Martha said you'd make me free.

- You are free.

You can be any way you want
to if you want to bad enough.

(soft music)

(loud grunting and panting)

- Hey, yeah!

Hey, whoa, hey, man!

Far fucking out, man!

- [Willard] Yeah!

(wind whistling)

(percussive music)

- Hi ya, big fella.

Can we do something to ya?

- Hey, yeah, you can do it all to me.

- Mm!

(loud slurping)

And how about your friend?

- Yeah, well here's why we're here.

I mean, the guy really needs a good lay.

I think it would really
straighten him out, you know?

- Well, well, well.

- [Duck] You know, I don't think

he ever has (laughing)!

- Come along there, Sailor.
- Oh, I'm not in the Navy.

- [Woman] Well, that's all right.

Now listen, you're about

to be screwed, blued, and tattooed.

(upbeat music)

♪ Miss Mary or Louise ♪

♪ Belle, get down on them knees ♪

♪ Or Sydney the Dike ♪

♪ Oh, what would you like ♪

♪ We're here to please ♪

(upbeat music)

♪ June, Cindy, or Janine, all
three might be your scene ♪

♪ It's all up to you ♪

♪ A negro, a Jew for you to screw ♪

(upbeat music)

♪ Jill, Bonnie, Linda, Lou ♪

♪ Love, over as on Lou, or so ♪

♪ If they cannot dare stick out of them ♪

♪ And them all two ♪

♪ Well lesson one, you grab her buns ♪

♪ And oh my God, what lovely ones ♪

♪ Position two, you're
doing it on the floor ♪

♪ And she's begging for more ♪

♪ So position three, she needs your knee ♪

♪ Position four, turn to a door ♪

♪ Position five through 10 ♪

♪ These cats are lean ♪

(rock music)

♪ Lucy strapped her hands and knees ♪

♪ Into apparatus such as these ♪

♪ Whips, corsets and bows ♪

♪ Little boy flows, look at it go ♪

♪ Until you tried a
sequent leather jacks ♪

♪ Massaged, it never scout your locks ♪

♪ You might not ever know
just what you missed ♪

♪ Till you taken a piss ♪

♪ With a sweet Maxine or water queen ♪

♪ Nothing an be too obscene ♪

♪ When all my girls fulfill ♪

♪ Your deepest dreams ♪

(man chattering)

(upbeat music)

♪ Colt, horses or a guide ♪

♪ Give someone dead a try ♪

♪ Or maybe a tree or maybe me ♪

♪ It's Kama Sutra time ♪

♪ There'll come a ♪

- [Woman] Good evening, honey.

I mean, what the fuck do you want?

You can try

our Wednesday night special--
- You know, I probably

shouldn't be telling ya how
to do your own business,

but I don't usually get off like this.

I mean, maybe I shouldn't
confess this kinda,

I don't know though, it's
something that you should know

I think because it's really cool.

You take a regular 16
ounce drinking glass,

a banana, you got a banana,

avocado, 20 Alka-Seltzer tablets.

I usually use Alka-Seltzer,
sometimes Fisurine.

They took Fisurine off the market.

It's real, people, raw liver.

A piece of raw liver
and this ordinary vacuum

attachment right here and
when these things are combined

in the proper way, honestly,
the effect is just--

You got any cream corn?

Cream corn, okay.

Heat the glass, put it--

That's very important.

Now crush the avocado.

Leave the banana whole.

No, no, don't, but freeze it.

Put the banana in the bottom of the glass

and mash the avocado around it.

You got a pound of butter, butter?

Okay, now put it on the fire.

Now put the Alka-Seltzer
on top of the avocado

and pour on the corn.

Insert the liver and now
for the vacuum cleaner

attachment and then put
the attachment in the mouth

of the glass with the bristles up,

make sure they're up!

Was the butter hot?

Oh good, pour it on your foot,

oh God, pour it on your foot.

Keep it coming over the toes.

Oh, it's (mumbles), oh it's incredible.

Oh, an you stand it?

Oh, it's incredible.

It's absolutely--

What a rush!

Oh, oh, oh!

Oh, oh!

(mechanical humming)
(bizarre music)

(bizarre music)

- That's it, that's all
there is, all you got?

(mechanical whirring)

(rocket blasting)

(plane engine whirring)

(soft music)

- Hoo, hoo, hoo!

Aha, the freedom of the open road!

This is great.

We need air, huh?

Or the exercise, huh?

- Oh.
- Huh?

You meet interesting people,
travel to exotic places.

I tell ya, Willard.

This is the life.

- All this living.

You were gonna get me laid.

Here I am in the middle
of the desert with a duck

with no name.

There hasn't been a car by
here in the last three days.

- But at least it's a nice place to visit.

- Yeah, but we're living here.

- You call this living?

- Hey, how'd you get to be a duck anyway?

- Well, I was a turtle for a while,

but things got real slow and frankly,

yeah mother invented
this chance to be a duck,

so I sorta flowed right into it.

- Oh Eddie, you've got to be kidding.

- It's been a good life, believe me!

- [Willard] Yeah, well at least

you've got a position, anyway.

- It's not that easy, a position.

I mean, first people
want you to quack a lot

for a starter.

And then you gotta walk around with yellow

feet all the time, you
know, sorta webbing it,

you know, webbing it.

- Mm-hmm.
- And they're always

making fun of the way I walk.

- Yeah, yeah, but it
gives you something to do.

- You call this doing?

Hey Willard, you know,
work, you know, work!

- What, what?

- Willard, give me your hat.

- My hat?

- Yeah, you're gonna get us a ride!

- Huh?

- Willard, what's the easiest way

for us to get a ride, huh, huh, huh, huh?

- [Willard] Well, the
easiest way to get a ride

would be a chick, be a
chick would be really--

- Right, Willard!
- Everybody except.

- You amaze me.

You're so right on!

Come on.

- This is demeaning.

What about my male ego, my moral ethics,

my women's rights?
- Hold it, Willard!

Here comes a car.

You want to live, don't ya?

Huh, huh?

(car engine humming)

(breaks squealing)

(engine rumbling)

- Hey, hey, hey, brother, hey, right on!

Hey, hey, it's me!

Hey, over here, your white brother.

- Hey you, fuck you, Willard (laughing).

- Oh.
- What happened?

What did you say?

- I don't know!

(tires squealing)

- Pardon us, madam.

All we willing, then!

- [Duck] What was that?

- I don't know, I think that was insanity.

We're crazy.

- Oh, were they women?

- Oh, you're crazy.

(lips smacking)

- Water!

I'm gonna need some water.

I'm dying!
- What's he saying?

(man mumbling)

I think he's thirsty.

Do you think he's thirsty?

- [Duck] Hey out there in the audience,

do you think he's thirsty?

Well, you have 30 seconds
to write your answer

on the back of the ticket stub!

- [Willard] And send the
answer to the end of the row.

You can win!
- A 16 ounce drinking glass.

- A banana.
- An avocado.

- 20 Alka-Seltzer tablets.
- A piece of raw liver!

- And two free tickets to the next showing

of this movie in Dallas, Texas!

You know something?

I think we are going crazy.

- Water!

(loud thudding)

Do you have any water?

- No, ah, gee, we don't.

- Well sir, then get
your comic transvestite

faggot hands off of me, buckaroo!

(loud thudding)

I want water.

They left me out here in the blazing sun

in the desert and I'm dying!

(car engine buzzing)

(door slamming)

- Well, hello there!

Hi, where we going, huh, huh?

- He's out of gas, man.

- Oh.

- You got any water?
- No.

- Shit.
- No.

- Many cars come by here?
- No.

Hey, what are your names,

what are your names?

Huh, huh?

- [Johnny] My name's Johnny.

- [Edgar] Mm, mine's Edgar.

- Oh yeah, right, fine.

(loud slapping)

(soft acoustic guitar music)

- Hey man, what's your name?

- Willard Eisenbaum.

- Wow.
(faint speaking)

- Wrong.

(soft music)

(faint whispering)

(soft music)

- Hi, Wilbur.

- It's Willard.

- Oh, sorry.

Hey, listen man, I'm
just terrible with names.

You know like, especially when I just

get to meet somebody.

I mean like, you gotta have

some kind of rapport
(Duck snoring)

with the person, you know,

like a personal involvement of some sort,

you gotta get into them heavy,

get to know them.

- Johnny?
- Yeah.

- I gotta tell you, it's a guy.

- Fuck you.
- I'm telling ya,

it's a guy!

- Listen you son-of-a-bitch,
get off my back.

- I'm not on your back, but listen!

Your friend, she's in for a surprise.

- No, your friend is in for a surprise.

(Edgar and Willard shouting)

- Oh wow, man!

It's a guy!

The son-of-a-bitch is a guy!

- I tried to tell ya!
- Shut up.

- Oh Johnny, Johnny.

- Oh, honey.
- It was a guy

and he had this tiny little nasty.

- Oh no!
- And he tried

to put it in my--

oh Johnny, it was so awful.

Yuck, it looked so yuck!

- Poor baby.
- I'm sorry,

I didn't mean to.

I just well, I thought that we could.

(Edgar sobbing)

- Don't you ouch me, you piece!

- Oh, you!

(Willard groaning)

- Wait a minute, you can't hit a lady!

- That was no lady, that was a--

(Duck and Edgar shouting)

- Hit him down there!

(all shouting)

(siren wailing)

- Okay, okay, oh friggin'
kay, break it up.

- I love America!

- Right on.
- Right on what,

right on me?

On your, up your nose, mister and you

love America my tushy.

You kidding, ducks don't love America.

They fly over it and
make cuck on it, doo-doo,

they make big green
duck turds that fluffed

on into the ponds and rivers.

They plug up policemen's
guns when they're...

(guns banging)

trying to kill rioters,
niggeroes, and Zionists

and you tell me you love America?

(guns banging)
No duck ever cared for America

or they wouldn't shit
on it the way they do.

(guns banging)
Good Lord, the other day

I was just taking a
drink of java and I found

a duck turd in my cup.

(gun bangs)

You kidding me, ducks loving America.

Enough of that shit.

Are these two bothering
you, little ladies, huh?

- Hey, it's like this, you see?

- You watch your step
there, you friggin' duck.

- Yeah, but you see, you don't understand.

We were just--
- You two, buster.

I heard about you from this

old gummery here.
- We're sorry!

Yes, siree, Bob, that's them!

That's them!
- Okay.

- Either one, either!
- Okay, okay!

- Right there!
- Okay, you old timer.

Just take it easy.

You'll pop your Levis right
out in your bad place.

Now you two, you stay right where you are

and me and the old gunner here

are gonna take care of the ladies,

make sure that their golden pubes

are placed safely in their proper place,

but we'll be right back
(gun banging)

and you'd better be here,

you hippie (faint speaking).

You're in big trouble,
B-freakin' big trouble!

Come on, little ladies.

Let's get you and your lovely
pointing rising beauties

to a safe place, huh?

Ah, ha, ha.
- Ah, that's right.

We'll sure--
- Ah, shut up

you old timer and just get in the car.

(engine roaring)

(tires squealing)

(feet pattering)

- Here comes a car.

(loud thudding)

- Hey, you got a permit to be out here?

- Well, no.

Of we need a permit?

- Are you kidding?

(laughing)

- No.

- I'm not kidding.

You got no permit?

- Well no, but we ain't doing anything.

- We, well you said we.

Who, who are we?

- Well, well, him, he and I.

(laughing)

- You, you, you come out now, huh?

- Hey man, (speaks Spanish), huh, huh?

- Hey, hey.
- Huh, huh?

- Hey, how come you duck
behind the bush, huh?

You got a permit?

- Hey, I always does, see?

And I just can't resist
ducking a good bush.

(loud clattering)
- Well, a bird in the hand

is worth two in the bush.

Oh!
- Oh man,

hey, let go of my bush.

- You got a permit?
- No, what do I need

a permit for?

- This is public land,
don't you know that?

Don't you hear those words?

This is public land and you ruin it.

You can't be out here without a permit.

Now come on, both of you,
you're coming with me!

- Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay!

Okay, oh freakin' kay, bucking (mumbles).

Oh fuckin' kay, America, break it up.

- Hey.
- Break it up,

buck it it up.
- Hey.

They ain't got no permit.

Don't you know that?
- Shut your fucking

goddamn greaser mouth
before I take these spurs

and jam 'em up your boomer.

This here Mexicali rolls bothering

you little ladies?
- No wait a moment!

- This here greaser

(man shouting)
bothering you?

Shut your taco mouth!
- You can't talk

to me like that!
- Shut up!

- Okay.
- This here greaser

bothering you, little ladies?

- You got a permit?

- Shut your cotton-picking mouth.

You want a permit?

You see this badge?

- What?
- This tall pointed badge?

- What?
- You want a fucking permit?

This is my permit, mister.
- I don't want

your stinking badges!

(gun bangs)

(groaning)

Do you have a permit for that gun?

(shouting)
(loud cracking)

(loud explosion)

- Oh, oh, oh my gosh,

this looks like it for Captain America.

Send my balls to the museum in Arizona.

Oh!

- Hey man, thanks!
- You're welcome, sweetheart.

- We'll be seein' ya.
- Yeah, yeah,

in all the old familiar places.

Yeah, I'll be there

with Gutman and Thirsby and Jackabee.

I never seen a duck
out here in the desert.

(faint speaking)

Come on, let's go skin
a fuckin' jackrabbit.

- [Willard] Bonkers.

Are they crazy?

(piano music)

(man shouting)

(rock music)

- Oh, shit!

(tires squealing)

- [Willard] Come on!

- Oh, for Christ's sakes!

Goddamn hippies!

- Hey man, thanks.

I thought we'd never get a ride.

- Get out!

- My name's Willard Eisenbaum.

- Hey, ho, ha, ha, hey, hey,

hey, keep on.

- Huh?

- [Duck And Willard] Keep on!

- Huh?
- Keep on!

- What?
- Keep on!

- Yes?
- Trucking.

(rock music)

- Get out!

I'm not moving till you get out

of this here, my truck!

(rock music)

Oh, okay, okay, I'll move.

(rock music)
(tires squealing)

(man shouting)
(rock music)

- Hey, are we there yet?

- I don't know.

Now where are we going?

- I don't know.
- Well, ask him.

He's driving.

- Hey mister, where are we going?

- Jesus Christ!
- Heaven?

- Oh hell.
- Oh no you don't.

Hey, you can't do--

Hey, why you son-of-a--

You can't treat me and
my friend like this!

I was at Chicago in '68,
I was at Woodstock in '69

with the (mumbles).

I slept around in motels.

I know who I am, I know who I am!

I know who I am.

(insects chirping)

(footsteps pattering)
- Freedom of the open

road, my ass.
- Well, it's not free

but it's cheap.

(laughing)

(Duck whistling)
(cat meowing)

Here, pussy!

Here, pussy.

Yeah, good pussy.

Come, kitty.

Here, pussy!

(cat meowing)

Come on, come on, come on.

(cat meowing)
Come on, come on.

(cat yowling)
That's a good pussy.

Hey man, Willard, you got
a great place here, huh?

Hey, my boy's got taste, huh?

Wow, boy, I love that lamp,
that little (mumbles),

the little thing that spins.

Oh, far out chair, Willard.

Willard, you have exquisite--

Hey, where did you get
this table, huh, huh, huh?

Wow, look at that.

I put my feet, I love the--

And oh, you decorate the place, you, huh?

You decorate it yourself, huh, huh?

Well, it's just beautiful, I--

Willard, you got any beer, huh?

I'll go look.

Hey, mad stocked, Willard.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, huh, huh,

huh, huh, huh?

(TV clicking)
Huh?

- [Announcer] And now,
tonight's movie, Cheap.

- Willard, I didn't think we would--

What you need to do is make a good woman.

- Gone berserk!
- Come on.

- [Announcer] Wow.

- Now all ya need is an 18 ounce

glass, some avocado,

(upbeat music)
banana, corn, Alka-Seltzer,

a vacuum cleaner, a pound of margarine

and a pound of (mumbles) liver.

(loud crashing)

(cat yowling)

- There, that's perfect!

I love it!

(shouting)

- Wait a minute, wait a minute, Willard.

You're not going to
actually, not with that?

I mean, it stinks!

(bizarre music)

(Willard and Duck coughing)

Ooh!

Wait a minute.

Willard, what're you doing?

I's all covered with yuck!

(Willard groaning)
Oh, hold it, Willard!

You have got no class, huh, huh?

She is ugly!

U-G-L-Y!

I mean, she bites!

I've seen ugly road,

but she, ugh!
(Willard groaning)

(loud whirring)

(bizarre music)

Whoa.

Ah man, you really did it.

(bell dinging)

She is incredible.

Willard, she's--

Well go ahead, Willard, go on.

- No, I can't.

- What?
- She's too good for me.

- Oh, go ahead, man.

- No.
- Go on.

- [Willard] No, she's just a goddess.

(Willard mumbling)
- Come on, Willard.

Go ahead!

- I can't man, I can't.

I mean, I just can't.

- Well, do you mind if I--

- No, no.
- Would you mind

if I go?
- No go ahead,

feed it through.
- Do you mind

if I--
- Feel free, man.

- Ooh, ooh!

- You ate it all!

You just ate my best girl!

(gun bangs)

(Willard shouting)

(acoustic guitar music)

♪ Oh my love ♪

♪ My sweet, my ♪

♪ I really want to feel you ♪

- Shouldn't have done that, Willard,

shouldn't have done that.

- Ah yes, folks.

So hurry on down here
before it's too late.

You see, we have got this fine '51 Metro

shaped just like a mallard.

License number 502-FWD.

I'll repeat that for those of you

that are hard of hearing,

502, F as in freaking,

was (faint speaking).

W as in weird.

- D as in dick.
- D as in duck.

- Let me repeat that again
- Every bit.

Let me repeat that.
- You've got to

- For those who are--
- D as in duck.

(faint speaking)
I'm gonna repeat duck.

Let me--

Duck, let me--

Duck, duck, duck,

(faint speaking)
duck, duck!

And these are in beautiful condition,

all these cars, and they're
not gonna last long,

so you come on in before it's too late.

Oh, there's Lightening.

There, he's peeling on
those steel belt radials

and with his acid condition,

he just eats right
through them into the axle

and just makes a whole
differential disappear

in a maze of cocka.

Oh, indeed, you're cute, but don't do it.

(growling)
(gun bangs)

That thing has a problem.

(gun banging)
See, either one

of these fine cars can be yours

if you will only act now.

(gun banging)

Call tonight before it's too late.

See, if you don't call,

Lightening's gonna go right here.

(faint speaking)
And disembowel your children

in front of your very eyes.

He'll wipe your wife's snatch

right out of her groin.

(barking and growling)
And (mumbles) like a little

cute puppy dog (mumbles)

and then after he does that,
- And once more,

(faint speaking)
for those of you

who have goiters on their legs
(faint speaking)

and (mumbles)
- He's run up to your toilet,

rip that out and all the
cocka from years before

will pile up out of your septic tank,

(faint speaking)
fall onto your grandmother

and your crewel work

and you'll stop--
- A weird and wonderful

waves and (mumbles).
- Screw you, Niagara Falls

(faint speaking)
And Lightening will come down

and take a cocka all over your daddy

and he'll be sitting there
just covered with shit

watching me on the TV set.

You can avoid all that
shit if you'll call now

and come on down and
buy one of these cars.

We have dogs all over
the place that'll kill ya

if you don't come down now.

So I'm telling ya for
your own fucking good

(gun banging)
come on down now,

you assholes
(gun bangs)

and go get those motherfuckers.

(laughing)

Let's kill em!
(gun banging)

Kill till you're fucking dead!

(dog snarling)
(man shouting)

(organ music)
(dog gulping)

♪ Hallelujah ♪

(choral music)

- Jump, huh, huh?

Jump!

Hey!

Wait a minute, Willard.

You can't!

I'm a duck!

You can't!

No, oh, stop!

Oh, hey, hey, ah!

Ah, stop it!

Oh, stop, Willard!

Oh, Willard.

(choral music)

It's over.

Willard, the movie's over.

- You know, you're really a good duck.

- Thanks, huh.
- Mm.

- [Woman] Willard, wake up!

This is the--

- Shut up!

- Mm?
- Shut up!

- Oh.

(alarm ringing)

What was that, what was that?

Geez, ah, geez!

You listen to this crap
every morning, Willard?

Ah, no wonder you're
hard to get along with.

Where is it?

(Willard groaning)

Where is it, where do you keep it?

- Oh, (mumbles) it's on the dresser.

- Well, it's not there.

Come on, man!

Where's that clock?

Must be here!

(alarm ringing)

- Aha, the clock!

Last night.

You ate it.

- You mean I'm gonna ring
like this every morning, huh?

Oh.

- Well, you are what you eat.

(cat meowing)

- Oh, I looked everywhere,
I can't find you.

Where are you (mumbles).

Good morning, Willard.

(clock ticking)
What's that noise?

- Good morning.

- Off to work this morning, are you?

- Yes, ma'am.
- Oh, that's a good boy.

You can't duck your responsibility.

(cat meowing)
Have you seen Daisy?

The poor kitty's been gone all night

and I can't find her anywhere.

And who is this nice young man?

- Oh, excuse me, oh, this nice young man

is a nice young lady.
- Oh, nice to meet you!

- Hi.
- This is my landlady.

This is Daisy.

(cat meowing)
- Daisy?

Is that you?
(cat meowing)

Here, kitty, here kitty, kitty!

- Daisy?
- Yeah, well it has

a nice ring to it.
(alarm ringing)

- [Duck] Come on, come on, come on.

- Hey, hi, beautiful.
- Hey come on,

come on.
- Hey, those thighs!

- Yeah, yeah, come on.
- I'm telling you.

Hey Duck, those thighs!
- Yeah.

(bell dings)
- Hi, I'm Willard Eisenbaum.

I love you.

(lips smacking)

Hi!

- Come on!
- Hi honey!

I'm Willard Eisenbaum.

I'm in love.
- Come on,

we're gonna be late for work!
- Hey, work.

Good morning, hi, hi!

Hi, how you doing, honey?

- Come on, we're gonna
be late for work, huh?

- Hey!
- Huh?

- Huh?
- Huh?

Huh?
- Huh?

(bell ringing)

There's the bell.
- Round one!

(belling ringing)

(Willard groaning)

Come on, Duck!

(upbeat music)

- Ah, hey, hey, watch me.

(upbeat music)

- [Willard] Take it!

My turn.

(upbeat music)

- [Duck] Yeah!

Ha!

Yeah, here we go!

(faint speaking)

Take it!

- [Willard] Oh, watch my dust!

Ah!

(upbeat music)
- Ever seen webs

move like this?
- Oh, you're beautiful!

Ah!

Ah!

(upbeat music)

- Ah, ah, ah.
Yeah.

(upbeat music)

- [Willard] Ah, ah, ah.

Ah, ah, ah!

(upbeat music)

Oh Daisy, I love the way you move!

- Yeah!
- Come on!

(upbeat music)

Ah!

Yeah!

Hey, yeah!

- Hey, huh!
- Oh!

(upbeat music)

- Eisenbaum, wow.

I didn't know you could dance like that.

- Would ya like to join me?

- Hmm, do I see a gun in your pocket

or are you just glad to see--

Whoa, oh my God,

(Willard grunting)

Oh, God.
(Willard grunting)

- I quit!

- Don't quit.

- Mm, this must be your second date.

- Oh, don't quit now, Eisenbaum.

You just got started.

- I quit!

(loud thudding)

(bright music)

- Hey.
- Huh?

- What do they call you?
- Duck.

- Ooh.

Hey man, good duck.

- Hey Willard, you're
not a bad duck yourself.

(bell dinging)

♪ Good duck ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ You're nothing but a good duck ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ You're nothing but a good duck ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ You're nothing but a good duck ♪

(bell dings)

- Hey, wait a minute.

Who was that mass man?

- I don't know, but whoever he was,

he left a silver duck foot and I wanted

to thank him.
(bell dings)

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ You're nothing but a good duck ♪

♪ Good duck, yeah ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ You're nothing but a good duck ♪

♪ Come on, get up, just yeah ♪

♪ What is this we paid for ♪

♪ We paid for ♪

♪ You duck ♪

♪ You no one, get up just yet ♪

♪ What it is we pay for ♪

♪ We pay for ♪

♪ You duck ♪

(bell dinging)

(epic music)

(silly music)

- [Man] Thank you from
coming and goodnight.