Dirty Blondes from Beyond (2012) - full transcript

Vema!

Please tell me you
bring good news.

The flagship of
the Vulvian empire

is in orbit, your highness.

And it's been met by our fleet.

I have been told that
Empress Krella is on board

and is currently being
shuttled to the surface.

She should be at her
palace within the hour.

Thank the blessed Hagus.

Once we have signed
the treaty with Krella,

we will finally gain
access to their technology



and be able to stop these
terrible storms, which are

nearly destroying our planet.

What do you know about
this Empress Krella?

Can she be trusted?

Well, she controls a vast empire

in this part of the galaxy.

That is enough.

Yes, but how does
she control it?

I mean, surely you've heard the
rumors of her sexual appetites.

I have heard.

They say she has body like
Bandarian snerf herder.

And knows how to use it.

It is intriguing.

I've even heard rumors
of her finding creatures



in faraway galaxies that
do not look like us.

What do you mean not like us?

It's been said that she's
found species that resemble us

in some form, but
have no breasts,

and a third leg
between the other two.

Really?

For what use would
be such a leg?

Enough of this, my lady.

I do not trust the Vulvians.

I find it very disturbing
that they contact us

about new technology so soon
after this planetary shift that

has caused these
devastating storms.

You are too suspicious, Vema,
which suits your position,

I suppose.

And you are far too
trusting, my lady.

I mean, if I weren't
here to protect you...

But you are, and always will be.

Thank you, my lady.

Thank you, my love.

Yes, Vema.

Oh, yeah.

We will go to the
chamber of Princess Farra.

Send orders up to the fleet.

Commence the attack.

Let the invasion begin.

As you wish.

Yes?

Lieutenant Vema, this is Captain

Samar of the space fleet.

We're under attack!

What?

Oh, no.

Who is it?

Is the delegation of
the Vulvian empire safe?

The Vulvian
empire are the ones attacking!

I knew they couldn't be trusted.

What are we to do?

I must get you to safety
immediately, your highness.

But my people!

You'll do them no good dead.

But...

Farra, please.

We must flee.

Captain, hold them off
as long as possible.

I'm taking the princess aboard
the royal fighter for safety.

Good luck, captain.

Come on, your highness.

Be prepared for the
worst, your highness.

I'm not sure we'll make
it through the blockade

of Vulvian ships.

The Vulvians always
were pretty impregnable.

Do your best.

We've got them on our tail!

I see it.

Hold on.

Well done, Vema.

We're not out of the woods yet.

We made it through the fleet.

Now we got a straggler after us.

Look over there!

Perfect!

Careful!

These things could put
an eye out, you know.

I'm doing my best.

You did it.

Don't celebrate quite so fast.

What is it?

I mean, there's no place
to go in this quadrant

to hide from the reach
of Empress Krella.

You're not suggesting...

I am.

We have to use the hyper-drive
to get out of this quadrant

and away from Krella.

That takes us into an
unexplored region of space!

A virgin territory.

On the upside, Krella
hasn't explored it either.

From what I've heard, it's
the only thing in this universe

she hasn't explored.

It's your decision,
your highness.

Do it.

Where is she?

We were told that
she would be here!

She couldn't have escaped!

I must have her, Tharis.

The moment I saw
princess Farra's beauty,

I knew that I must have her.

I will have her!

Yes, Empress.

The thought that
there exists a creature

like this in the universe
that I haven't tamed.

Surely, there are
others just as beautiful.

Nonsense!

All others pale in comparison.

All others?

Find her, damn you!

Commander Tharis
to Vulvian fleet.

Status report.

That's her.

Track them!

Prepare my ship.

We are going to go
after the princess.

Oh no.

What is it?

Be prepared.

What's wrong?

It's the fromets.

It's never been designed
to be used at maximum speed

for so long before.

Is that bad?

Not good.

We dropped out of warp.

The engines, they're failing.

What can we do?

There's a planet nearby.

We're going to try to land.

Doggone it, Bessie.

If I get you runnin again,
I'm gonna have to take

you straight to the junkyard.

This is the fifth
time this month

you have broke down on me.

What the heck?

What the hell is that?

I better call this in.

I want to talk to
the county Sheriff.

I wanna report a...

Well, I don't know what I saw.

Are you uninjured my lady?

Yes, I'm fine.

But what about the ship?

The damages seem
to be somewhat minor.

If we can find a
replacement fromets

she'll be able to fly again.

This looks like such
a primitive planet.

Do you think we will be
able to find fromets here?

I'm not sure.

I did detect population
here on my instrument.

But...

But... but what?

You must be strong,
your highness.

Before my instruments
went out, I also detected

a Vulvian craft in pursuit.

Oh, no.

We must be vigilant.

Come.

We must find civilization
as soon as possible.

This way.

I don't really care if
you believe me or not.

I don't expect you to
take my word for it.

OK?

The proof is out
there, if you were just

intelligent enough to see it.

No.

I don't work at the
university at the moment.

Yes, but... but that's
just because they

were so short-sighted.

Extreme is the word they used
to describe some of my theories.

Look.

I'm close to finding
conclusive proof that'll

show those eggheads
over at the University

that what I've been saying
all along is the truth.

What the... look, Mom.

I'm going to have
to call you back.

This is it.

An actual UFO.

This is my chance to prove
that I've been right all along.

Are you the
gentleman that called?

Yes, sir.

My name is Mark Grabowski.

I'm agent Smith.

This is agent Jones.

Well, I sure am
pleased to meet you.

Just tell us what
you saw, Mr. Grabowski.

Well, you can call
me Mark if you want to.

Well, I was standing over there.

See?

And I was trying to
get ol' Bessie started.

Usually, she's real reliable.

But you know, she's
getting kind of old.

And, you know, you
get a little old,

you get cranky, and
you get stubborn.

So I stick my key in her, and
she's going, woo, woo, woo.

Please, sir.

Just tell us what you saw.

I'm sorry, agent Smith.

I'm Jones.

She's Smith.

Well, I thought
you said you was...

Well, anyway, I was
standing over here.

And I hear this noise like a...

Like a...

It's right overhead.

And I look over, and
I seen a space ship

coming right over them trees.

It landed in them
hills over yonder.

A spaceship?

Yes ma'am.

Can you tell us
what it looked like?

Was it shaped like a
cigar with pulsating lights?

Oh, no.

I can't say it was.

It was more like a...

You know, kind of like a circle,
like a... like a cylinder.

In fact, truth be told,
it looked kind of like one

of my old moonshine stills.

Excuse us a moment,
would you sir?

Well certainly, agent Smith.

I'm Jones.

He's Smith.

This is ridiculous.

The guy's obviously
some backwoods

lush who had a few too many
and thought he saw something.

I'm not so sure.

This one might
actually have merit.

You heard the way he
described the ship.

Yeah.

Like his still.

Come on.

You can still smell the
alcohol on his breath.

I think it's worth checking out.

What's the harm in
taking a little hike up

into those hills?

See if there's anything there.

If not, we chalk it up to just
another unreliable sighting.

In any case, it gets me into
the woods alone with you.

Enough!

If you want to go check out
this drunk's claim, then fine.

But let me tell you
something, Smitty.

Once you get me up
into those hills alone,

you'd better keep
it in your pants.

I've told you no 1,000 times.

And I don't want to
have to tell you again.

It's not ever going to happen.

OK.

OK.

You keep playing
this hard-to-get act,

I'm going to start thinking
you're not interested.

Are you two going to go up
there and investigate that?

You want me to go with you?

That's not necessary, sir.

I suggest that you
get out of the area.

We'll contact you if we
need anything further.

All right then, agent...

Agent.

I'll just... I'll wait here.

How much farther, Vema?

I haven't had to walk this
far since the plumbing

got out upstairs and I had
to go downstairs for shower.

Not much further, your highness.

In fact, there it is!

The first signs of civilization.

It isn't much to look at, is it?

If this is the best they have
to offer, we are surely doomed.

Fear nothing, my lady.

You are safe in my care.

Thank you, Vema.

Hold it right there.

By the sons of Byfrexia, what
manner of creature is this?

I'm not certain, your highness.

It appears to be bipedal.

It has two eyes, a
nose, and a mouth.

Well, he's like some
malformed version of a human.

Could this be one of the
creatures Krella discovered?

The one with the third leg.

I see no third leg.

Although it does
not have breasts.

Very odd.

Yet, there is something
intriguing about it.

Oh, your highness.

Please tell me
you're not serious.

Let's take it inside.

Very well.

Vema, look.

Is this a fromets?

I'm afraid not.

It has the same shape,
but no movable parts.

Perhaps this
creature can help us.

I doubt that.

It doesn't look
very intelligent.

Does it?

We should try.

Unfreeze him.

Your highness.

Unfreeze him now!

Yes ma'am.

What the hell is...

Who the hell are you?

Who the hell are you?

You are addressing
her royal highness,

Princess Farra from Byfrexia.

And you will show respect.

Well, la di da.

Sorry I don't know nothing
about that respect stuff,

but I don't take too
kindly to trespassers.

You just stay
right where you are.

Hey.

Wait a minute.

You guys are from
another planet.

Indeed.

What sort of creature are you?

You are quite different from us.

Well, I'm...

I'm a man.

A man?

Yeah, man.

Don't you guys have men
where you come from?

We most certainly do not.

You guys don't know
what you're missing.

I can't imagine
you would possibly

have anything I could want.

I wouldn't be so sure.

Vema, I want you to do a
search of the perimeter.

Your highness.

You heard me.

You said yourself
that the Vulvian

ships were following us.

Who knows how long
before Vulvian troopers

could be surrounding us.

Please go check now.

But I can't possibly
leave you with this...

This creature.

I'll be fine.

Yeah.

She'll be fine.

Very well.

Don't you dare lay a
hand on her royal head.

We've heard rumors on our planet

of creatures such as yourself.

However, we were told you
were possessed of a third leg.

I see no evidence of that.

Well, darling, you just
gotta give me a chance.

Oh, yeah.

Empress Krella.

Why have we stopped?

Speak!

We have been
tracking Farra's ship,

and the signal has come to
rest on the planet below.

Excellent.

Now we have her.

You will transport yourself
down to the planet immediately.

And you will bring the
princess back to me.

As you wish.

And commander, you will
bring her back to me unharmed.

Of course.

Soon, Farra, you will be mine!

Oh my god.

I knew it.

I knew it.

I have arrived at
the crash site.

And it's definitely an
alien craft of some kind.

There appears to be radiation,
but it's some kind I don't

recognize, something alien.

It doesn't... doesn't
appear to be harmful.

There's something going on.

I feel excited, and not
just from this discovery.

But almost a... a
sexual excitement.

This is amazing.

You!

Barbarian!

What?

Where is the princess?

Who?

Don't play stupid with me!

I recognize your kind,
you of the third leg!

Third?

What have you done
with the princess?

Look.

I can tell you what
you want to know.

But then, I'm going to
want something in return.

What could you possibly want?

I kind of want to
show you that third leg

you're so curious about.

Fine.

But no tricks.

Very well, earthling.

I have given you
what you desired.

Now tell me.

Where is the princess?

Well...

You do know, don't you?

Yeah.

Of course I do, but I'm
going to have to show you.

If this is some sort of trick...

No, no.

No trick.

I just... I need to use this
to... to show you where she's at.

Lead the way.

Which way?

This way!

This way.

So is this metal,
or is it fabric?

Your highness, there
is nothing out there.

I don't know about that.

Vema, when we get
a moment, I'll tell

you all about this third leg.

Your highness!

We need to focus here.

There is nothing out there
but wilderness as far

as the eye can see.

Well, yeah.

I could have tell you that.

Ain't nothing out here.

That's why I moved all
the way out here, to just

get away from everything.

Well, that's fine.

But we need to find a
replacement fromets.

What the hell is fromets?

It's part of our ship's engines.

You ain't gonna find
nothing like that around here.

Where should we look?

Well... nearest
town is 40 miles away,

and we're right over here.

Perhaps we could find one there.

I guess anything's possible.

I don't know.

We have to be very
careful we're not

discovered by Krella's troops.

Are you sure
they're really here?

We have to presume so.

Krella?

Oh, Vema.

The ship!

Did you activate
the cloaking device?

Curse me for being a fool!

Sorry.

This should be the place.

I don't really see
any crashed spaceships.

Do you?

There's something going on here.

Smitty, when are you going to
accept the fact that this was

just the ravings of a drunk?

I'm getting a radiation reading.

That's not like any
reading I've ever seen.

Jonesy, you do something for me.

Enough.

You're not getting away with the
"radiation is making me horny"

trick again.

It didn't work last time,
and it won't work now.

It's just that you
do something for me.

Anything in a skirt
would do something for you.

Now can we get out of here?

Doesn't this radiation
mean anything to you?

Yeah.

It means, with luck, you won't
be procreating anytime soon.

Let's go.

Wait.

Let's at least swing by
that cabin we saw on the way

up here, see if
they saw anything.

After that, can we wrap
this up and call it a day?

Absolutely.

OK.

Let's go.

Great.

Where to next, tripod?

I don't know.

These readings are really
difficult to decipher.

I'm starting to
wonder if you know

where the princess is at all.

If you don't, I don't see
any need to keep you alive.

I, I... I know where she is.

Don't... don't you worry.

OK?

Just give me a minute, OK?

Yes, empress.

Status report, commander.

I grow weary of these delays.

One moment, empress.

Wait, wait, wait!

Transporting up.

What is happening down there?

Why do you not yet have
Princess Farra in your custody?

I'm working on it, empress.

I have made contact
with an earthling

who knows her location, and
he's taking me there now.

What is the delay?

The native population is
of the three-legged kind.

Really?

Yes.

And I think perhaps
their third leg

takes the place of their brain.

They're a very ignorant species.

Yes.

I remember.

Well, do the best you can.

I must have the princess soon.

Don't be so jealous, commander.

There's enough of
me to go around.

Then perhaps until I can
secure the princess for you,

I could serve as a substitute.

Very well.

Service me.

As you command.

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

Fear not, earthling.

I will not harm you, as long
as you take me to the princess.

Yeah, I'll take your to her.

I know where she is.

Yep.

You will take me
to her immediately

or I will feed you to
my pet Helderganon.

I... I don't know
what that is, but it

sounds really unpleasant.

So - yeah, we're...

We're really close.

You had better hope that we are.

Let's go!

What was that?

I know.

I don't get too many
visitors out this way.

They're those government types.

Probably saw your spaceship.

Perhaps they can help us.

Once again, my highness,
you are far too trusting.

Vema's right.

I don't know if anyone's
going to believe your story.

And even if they
do, I'm sure helping

you is not gonna be the first
thing that's on their mind.

What can we do?

There's no place to hide here.

Did you guys bring any clothes?

Anything inconspicuous?

We can change into
anything we wish.

How's this?

That'll do. OK.

OK.

Just follow my lead.

Good afternoon.

I'm agent Smith.

This is agent Jones.

Can we ask you guys
a few questions?

Anything I can do to stop you?

Hello, ladies.

Hello.

We're wondering if you've seen
anything unusual around here,

earlier this morning.

Unusual?

This morning?

Nope.

Nothing.

And what about you ladies?

We've observed nothing
out of the ordinary.

Certainly haven't seen
any spaceships, if that's

what you're talking about.

Farra.

Spaceships, you say?

T... th... that's
just Farra, my sister.

She's a real kidder.

Is that so?

Yes.

I do love a good kid.

Look, agent Smith.

I'm Jones.

She's Smith.

I told you we
ain't seen nothing.

Now if you don't mind.

Actually, I do mind.

I'd like to talk to
your sister alone.

And agent Jones here,
she'll talk to you and...

Vema.

I thought you were agent Jones.

I'm Smith.

She's Jones.

Young lady, come with me.

OK.

Smith?

I'm Jones.

Jones.

Farra.

That's an interesting name.

You're not from
around here, are you?

I am not.

You said something
about a spaceship earlier.

That was part of my kid
that Jock was talking about.

You mean kidding.

Yes.

Kidding.

You're not fooling me, you know?

I'm not?

No.

I was at the site
where your ship landed.

And there was this radiation.

And it affected me
in a strange way.

And now that I'm standing
here next to you,

I'm feeling the same thing.

I know that you're aliens
from another planet

and that your ship
crash-landed in these woods.

Why don't you just admit it?

Very well.

Really?

That was easy.

Could you please help us?

We are in desperate need of
fromets to repair our ship.

Fromets?

I don't know what that is.

Perhaps you call it
by a different name.

It... it has long
shaft, a round head,

and balls on the other end.

Yes.

I think I know what
you're talking about.

I happen to have one of
those right over there.

You do?

Yes.

Let me show it to you.

This way.

Here it is.

It's this third leg.

It is not a fromets, but
I'll take one anyway.

Something is
definitely going on here.

And I want to know what it is.

What do you mean?

Don't play dumb with me.

My partner suspects
that you're aliens.

But I suspect something
far more down to earth.

Like a meth lab.

No.

Ain't nothing going
on around here.

I am Vema, and I am an alien.

Vema!

What's the game here?

No game.

Being deceitful is
not in my nature.

I am Vema, and I am
from planet Byfrexia.

Sure you are.

And... I'm Dolly Parton.

Yeah.

You sure got the parts for it.

Shut up!

There is something weird.

Earlier today, my
partner thought

he was feeling the
effects of radiation

at the supposed landing site.

And now, I'm starting
to feel the same thing.

I wonder.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I'm feeling it, too.

This radiation is all around
me, and making me all crazy.

I can prove what I say is true.

This device allows the
molecules of my clothing to give

me any appearance I want.

Allow me to demonstrate.

Oh my...

Damn this thing!

You really are an alien!

That's what I've been
trying to tell you.

And you're gorgeous.

Thank you.

Yeah.

And... radiation.

And the effects of the
radiation is compounded

between the two of you.

I guess one really
can't help themself.

Can they?

Certainly can't be
blamed for radiation.

Are you suggesting what I
think you're suggesting?

Well, in the interest
of my investigation.

It must be thorough.

Right.

And I want to cooperate.

And Jock, Farra never told me
anything about this third leg.

Well...

I can fix that.

What do you think
of that, agent Smith?

I'm Jones.

Whatever.

How does this skirt come off?

I got it.

I got it.

It's got so much
radiation on it.

It's burning my fingers.

Oh my god.

I would... I would be
like working on a body.

Like, I'd be, like, sucking
on a boob or something.

Because that would, like,
relieve radiation poisoning.

Oh my god.

Yeah.

That's what it do.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Vema!

Don't worry, your highness.

I told them everything.

Everything?

Yes.

We know that you're aliens.

So, you believe me now?

Yes, Smitty.

You were right and I was wrong.

Does that make you happy?

Actually, Yes, it does.

Made me happy.

All right.

Enough of this.

We must find a
replacement fromets

so we can repair our ship.

I'm sorry.

I don't think we have
one of those on Earth.

I've never heard of it.

Neither have I.

Could we build one?

There they are!

There's the aliens!

Hurry!

Get the princess to safety.

Stand back, Vema of Byfrexia!

I will have your princess
or I will have your life!

Never!

Why are you doing this, Tharis?

Byfrexia has always been a
friend of the Vulvian empire.

My empress wants your princess!

That is enough for me.

Do you believe me now?

Do you believe me now?

Yes.

Yes!

Do you really want to
capture the princess?

Once Krella has her, she'll have
no more use for your pleasures.

You did it.

Well done.

Yes.

But look how sad she is now.

Better her sad than us dead.

I suppose you're right.

What do we do with her now?

But won't her bosses
just send her back?

Don't worry.

I altered her mind
with this device.

She'll report back an
entirely different story.

Commander, where
is the princess?

Report!

I'm afraid I bring
bad news, empress.

Princess Farra and her
royal guard are dead.

Dead?

Impossible.

How?

The atmosphere on
earth is poisonous to us.

If I had stayed
there much longer,

I would be as dead as they are.

We can never return here.

Just when she was so
close to my grasp.

I remain to serve you, empress.

You always have been
loyal, commander.

Perhaps I don't need
the princess after all.

Set a course back to
the Vulvian empire.

It's time we went home.

As you wish.

Vema!

I found it!

No.

Wait!

Look!

A fromets!

Yes, it is.

Batteries included.

Now, why exactly did you
have that in your cabin?

Well, I guess it's
time for us to go.

Yes. You're right.

We must leave now.

Thank you for everything.

Yes.

Thank you.

We couldn't have
done it without you.

Hold it, hold it.

Hold it just a second here.

OK?

These are aliens!

We can't just let them leave.

We've got to study them!

Hello?

Research grant.

Vema.

Right.

Why did you freeze everyone?

It's for the best.

Now come on.

We have to go.

I hope this works.

The ship!

It's powering up.

All systems go!

Wait!

What about the people
we left frozen?

You're right.

What happened?

They froze us.

It's what they do.

Where are they?

There!

Oh, man.

They're gone.

At least I have
this as evidence.

They erased it!

Damn it.

Now I'm back to
the drawing board.

Psh.

Better luck next time.

So everything was true.

Yes.

Especially about the radiation.

I don't know about you, but I
just can't stand it anymore.

Wait.

Wait.

Really?

Let's go inside.

Sweet space.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

One thing I don't understand.

What was all that talk about
the radiation making everyone

want to have sex?

I don't know.

There's certainly
nothing in the radiation

to make them want to do that.

I think they're just
one horny species.

We were told you were
possessed of a third leg.

I see no evidence of that.

Curse me for being a fool.

Sorry.

Yes.

And I think perhaps
their third leg

takes the place of their brain.

They're a very ignorant species.

I was at the site
where your ship landed.

And there's this radiation.

And it affected me
in a strange way.

You're not getting away
with the "radiation is"

"making me horny" trick again.

It didn't work last time,
and it won't work now.

My...

Yeah.

I... I'll take you to her.

I... I know where she is.

Yep.

She's getting kinda old.

And, you know, you
get a little old,

you get cranky, and
you get stubborn.

So I stick my key in her and
she's going, woo, woo, woo.

Just when she was so
close to my grasp.