Die Laughing (1980) - full transcript
A San Francisco cab driver finds himself in possession of a monkey that is carrying a formula for turning atomic waste into a plutonium bomb. He finds himself framed for a murder and chased all over town by people trying to get the formula.
Captioning made possible by
Warner Bros. Home video
[Clicking]
[Man]
Dr. Stowe,
I'm terribly sorry
to barge in on you
without an appointment,
but about the
lecture you gave in clas
this morning,
I'd love to
ask you a couple
questions about it, if I may.
Come back tomorrow,
Mueller.
Tomorrow?
Oh, all right.
Uh...
Dr. Stowe?
Sir, are you
all right?
Look here, Mueller,
you're a brilliant student,
and I do want
to help you,
but I simply have
no time now.
Come back tomorrow.
During office hours.
Yes, sir.
Uh, thank you,
Dr. Stowe,
and I hope
you feel better.
[Bell tolling]
Computer rx-12
is operational.
Testing
plutonium conversion formula
integrated
for animal response.
Animal sound stimulus enacted.
Thank you.
Programmed plutonium waste
conversion data to computer.
Thank you.
Warning. Cancel all present
plutonium data return.
Repeat. Cancel testing.
[Beeping stops]
It's o.K.
It's me.
Continue testing
plutonium conversion formula
from animal subject.
[Tones descending in pitch]
Animal sound stimulus
enacted.
You o.K., honey?
Animal subject
is returning
plutonium waste conversion data
to computer.
[Computer signals sounding]
How's everything?
Fine.
Good.
Malfunction.
Override program testing.
Animal subject
no longer returning
plutonium conversion data.
Thank you.
No food. No data.
Thank you.
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
[Gunfire]
[Beeping
and garbled computer voice]
Oh!
Ow! Ow! Ow!
Aah!
[Trolley bell dings]
♪ Mr. Weinstein
ran the barbershop ♪
♪ on the corner
of colonial and pine ♪
♪ I went there
for my very first haircut ♪
♪ in 1959 ♪
I was 3 at the time.
♪ Mr. Weinstein put
a leather-covered box ♪
♪ on the seat
of the old barber chair ♪
♪ gently lifted me up,
under the arms ♪
♪ and sat me way up there ♪
And softly said...
"Don't be scared."
♪ He pinned a big white towel
around my neck ♪
♪ and went to work
with a scissors and a comb ♪
♪ he cut my baby hair off
and gave me a burr ♪
♪ you could see the skin
on my dome ♪
Ha ha. Oh, mamma cried
when I got home.
♪ The talcum
smelled like candy ♪
♪ the hair
smelled like Rose ♪
♪ the bay rum
smelled like bubble gum ♪
♪ to a 3-year-old
kid's nose ♪
♪ I can hear
Mr. Weinstein sayin' ♪
♪ "don't move
when I use the shears" ♪
♪ "right here in this drawer,
I got a collection" ♪
♪ "of fidgety
little boys' ears" ♪
♪ 'lectric clippers
a-buzzin' ♪
♪ scissors goin'
snippety-snip ♪
♪ and I never moved once,
though the fallin' hair ♪
♪ tickled my upper lip ♪
♪ and my dear dad
tellin' Mr. Weinstein ♪
♪ "you sure cut it short
on top" ♪
♪ I'll remember it all
till the day I die ♪
♪ Mr. Weinstein's
barbershop ♪
[Train horn blows]
♪ What I wanted was a moment
to relive the past ♪
♪ but that's not
what I got ♪
♪ oh, lord, the corner
of colonial and pine ♪
♪ was an empty
parkin' lot ♪
A godforsaken alien spot.
♪ I asked a man on the street
where Mr. Weinstein was ♪
♪ he said, "main and third,
that's where" ♪
♪ I drove to main and third,
knowin' there'd be ♪
♪ a cemetery there ♪
Found his grave...
Said a prayer.
♪ 'Lectric clippers
a-buzzin' ♪
♪ scissors goin'
snippety-snip ♪
♪ and I never moved once,
though the fallin' hair ♪
♪ tickled my upper lip ♪
♪ and my dear dad
tellin' Mr. Weinstein ♪
♪ "you sure cut it short
on top" ♪
♪ I'll remember it all
till the day I die ♪
♪ Mr. Weinstein's
barbershop ♪
♪ I'll remember it all
till the day I die ♪
♪ Mr. Weinstein's ♪
♪ barbershop ♪
[Music ends]
We'll let you know.
[Indistinct announcement
over intercom]
[Horns honking]
♪ We gotta keep
dancin'... ♪
[Man]
Pinsky! You haven't checked in
in two days!
Look, I'm 200, 300 bucks
in back.
Where's my money?
Look, pinsky,
I've had it with you!
You answer me, or...
Or I'll strangle you
till your tongue hangs out
from here to Honolulu!
Pinsky, answer me! God--
[Dr. Stowe]
Taxi! Taxi!
[Tires screech]
[Horn honks]
♪ Dance ♪
Hey, what's the matter
with you, man?
You don't look
so good.
Bayshore and Geneva.
You got it.
Bay...shore...
And Geneva.
Hey, trust me.
I'll get you there
in one piece.
[Tires screech]
[Horn honks]
[Pinsky]
You like music?
A little music
will settle you down.
Well, if you don't mind,
I'm going to put on
a little music, o.K.?
Bayshore and Geneva's
a long way.
♪ 1...2...
1, 2, 3, 4 ♪
[Music blaring]
♪ Bittersweet
first breath of air... ♪
[Pinsky]
That song you hear--
you like it?
That's
good stuff, huh?
I wrote it. Yeah.
That's my band
playing it, too.
Hey, you're not
in show business,
are you?
Are you
in show business?
Or maybe you
know somebody
in show business?
Take one of
these cards here
next to the picture.
It's a good picture,
too, huh?
That's my group.
We call ourselves
rush hour.
Rush hour.
Look at
this traffic.
Look at this.
Man, am I
in a crummy mood,
I'll tell you that.
Hmm! Women.
I'll tell you
something, man.
Women--they get
into your brain,
mess you up,
scramble you up,
and then they
make you feel...
What's that word
I'm looking for?
[Tires screech]
I may not get you
to bayshore and Geneva
in one piece,
but I'll get you there.
Hey, man, you sick
or something?
Could you do it
out the window?
Hey, what the hell
you think you're doing?
That's my passenger's
property!
Will you get
your hands off it?
Holy shit!
[Tires screech]
[Tires screech]
Hey!
Jesus, mister!
You believe that weirdo?
No wonder
you were nervous!
No way he was going to
get that box, though.
Anybody in my cab is
under my protection.
You're safe,
I'll tell you that.
What's the matter, man?
You sick?
[Tires screech]
Oh, man!
What's the matter
with you?
Come on, mister!
Listen, sit up!
Just talk to me!
Tell me
where it hurts!
Is it your heart?
Did he scare you?
Listen, I learned this
in the Y.M.C.A.
Aah!
Uhh!
[Woman]
Taxi.
Huh?
Aah!
No!
No, no, no!
It's not what you think, lady!
Oh! Aah!
I'm the cabdriver!
Aah! Oh! Aah!
Do I look like
a killer?
Now, shh! Shh!
Lady, lady! Please!
I didn't hurt anybody!
I wouldn't kill no one!
Shut up, or I'll
blow your head off!
Aah!
Aah!
Please. Shut up.
Oh, my god!
Aah!
[Dogs barking]
[Grunting]
[Panting]
[Wood cracking]
Huh? Huh?
Oh!
Ohh! Ohh!
Ohhh!
[Clang]
[Siren]
[Dog barking]
[Radio]
♪ you never know
what'll happen next ♪
♪ 560 ksfo ♪
[Announcer]
Robbery is the apparent motive
in a murder
that has just taken place
in downtown
San Francisco.
Dr. Leonard stowe,
a noted nuclear scientist
and lecturer at
northern California university,
was fatally shot.
[Announcer]
This just in.
The San Francisco
police department
issued
an all-points bulletin...
[Announcer
speaking Spanish]
[Announcer]
The November 12th
liberation organization
is claiming responsibility
for the assassination
of scientist Dr. Leonard stowe.
[Announcer]
...And also be responsible
for the death
of behavioral scientist
Regina stowe,
[announcer]
The young assailant,
a taxicab driver,
threatened her life,
and she informed
the police.
[Twang]
[Jackhammer hammering]
"Left this note
on your door.
"We made the semi-finals!
Charlie."
[Telephone rings]
[Thud]
Hello.
Masquerade shop.
Hello.
This is Charlie.
Masquerade shop.
Hello?
Who the hell
is this?
Hello?
Hey, I don't
have time
for games now.
Can I help you
or not?
Hello?
Ahhh! Ha ha!
Oh!
[Sighs]
[Window shade snaps]
[Beethoven's symphony no. 9,
the chorale symphony playing]
Haaa!
Aah!
Sorry.
The box.
Sure.
Whoa!
Uh!
[Music softer and slower]
[Drops guitar]
Uh!
Hey, wait a minute.
Where's that guy?
Where'd that guy go?
I got to get out of here.
[Camera clicking]
[Ship's horn blows]
[Softly whistling]
[Keys jingling]
Yaah!
Jesus Christ,
Amy! What are you--
stupid?
Well, you could
ring the doorbell,
like any other
normal person.
You could have
killed me!
Are you crazy?
Jesus!
Pinsky, my sister's
not here.
And what do you mean,
I could have killed you?
Hey!
Hey, you know,
according to
the 6:00 news,
you're the murderer,
not me.
6:00 news?
Yeah.
On every channel.
Every time
I switch stations,
"pinsky, pinsky,
pinsky!
Homicidal maniac."
So, uh...
Did you kill two
or three?
One channel
said three.
Three?
You, uh...Plugged
a famous nuclear scientist
in the back seat
of your cab.
You...blew up
his wife
after you shot her
in the brains,
and you knocked a guy
off a building
with your trusty
guitar.
Little man,
you've had a busy day.
I didn't blow up
anybody's wife.
Oh, that's a relief.
Hey. On the TV,
did they say
anything
about my music
or my group?
Pinsky, you have
a one-track mind.
No, they didn't say
anything about your music
or your group.
Oh.
Hey, you want to put
that knife down?
Well, how do I know
you're not a murderer?
Did you kill anybody?
What do you think,
wiseass?
You always know
everything.
Well,know you
wouldn't murder anybody.
[Lock clicks]
The authority.
You don't know
a damn thing
about me.
[Man]
Pinsky...
Daniel.
Age 22.
Height--6 feet.
Weight--150 pounds.
Eyes--blue-gray.
Hair--brown.
The perpetrator
was abandoned--age 10.
Placed in state institution.
Ran away--age 14.
Lived on city streets
with street friends,
including a year
with a Chinese family
named Lao fung.
A long record
as a juvenile.
All petty offenses.
Arrested for vagrancy.
Placed on probation
by the juvenile courts
into the custody
of his probation officer--
miss Katie Arnold.
Employed as a cabdriver
by Katie's son--
Arnold Arnold,
who claims to have contracted
a duodenal ulcer
because of the accused.
Pinsky's been having a thing
with a female Caucasian--
Courtney Adams.
The lady has
no criminal record.
Pinsky's stayed out of trouble
the last few years,
except for 78
unpaid parking tickets.
[Man]
Well, the little dingus
is in trouble now,
and this time,
he won't work it off
in traffic school.
Maybe you should
just turn yourself in.
Hey, you got anything
to eat in here?
Warm beer
and cold pizza.
Thanks a lot.
Well, I'm not
a cooking major.
My field
is business.
Your field
is business, o.K.--
well, if you're innocent,
you'd turn yourself in.
And the nice,
sympathetic cops
will say,
"hey, man,
it's cool.
"There's a corpse
under the window
of your apartment.
"There's a dead man
in your cab.
"Your fingerprints
are on the murder
weapon.
"But since you're
in a very important
contest this week,
"you may go, pinsky,
because we like you,
pinsky."
But, pinsky,
if you're--
Amy. Amy, I've been
on the streets
all my life, see?
And the one thing
I learned is,
cops don't like me.
They don't like me.
Well, let me
help you, then.
O.k.
Tell me
where Courtney is.
She'll help me.
I think you better
just take a walk.
You know what, Amy?
I'm getting tired
of you.
[Scratching]
[Whispering]
What was that?
What was what?
They must have
followed me here.
Who?
I don't know.
It's the box.
They came
to get the box.
Amy, the lights!
Amy, be careful.
Amy, no!
Yaah!
[Sighs]
There's no one
in the hall.
Amy the ripper.
What's in that box,
anyway?
I don't know,
but if I'm going to
get killed for it...
I sure as hell
want to find out.
Yeah.
What do you mean,
"yeah"?
It's got tiny
little holes
in it.
Can you see in?
Amy...
Cut the strap.
[Screeching]
Get it off me!
Aah!
A monkey?
[Chattering]
Everybody's
killing each other
for a monkey?
Oh, he's scared to death.
Poor thing!
You hungry?
What's this,
I wonder.
You want
something to eat?
Are you kidding?
Monkeys don't
eat pizza.
That will
kill him for sure.
Well,
he's eating it.
Man, inside
this box stinks.
"Ivan...
"Skodbodni.
"3 P.M. Saturday.
"Igor zhukov.
"Enclosed
are three injections...
To be used
as sedatives."
[Amy]
Come here,
honey, come here.
"Ivan skodbodni.
3 P.M. Saturday.
Igor zhukov."
Sounds like
Russian names.
Brilliant.
Want to feed him?
He likes mozzarella
and black olives.
Oh, man.
What am I into?
[Laughter]
Somebody's coming.
Oh, it's Courtney!
Damn!
Some guy's with her.
Pinsky, why don't you
call the police?
She's got
some guy with her.
She doesn't
care about you!
Amy, you don't know
what you're talking--aah!
[Screeching]
Amy! What did you
do that for?
Because I don't want
to see you get hurt.
Well, you got
a weird way
of showing it.
Uhh...
Huh?
What are you doing?
Courtney!
Ooh!
Come here.
Come here, honey.
O.k. Come on.
Aahh. Aahh.
[Door opens]
Hi.
You're home
early.
Cut it out.
[Courtney]
Amy, Steve.
Steve, Amy.
Steve has a house
in the country.
I just need
my overnight bag.
Want to see
my bedroom, Steve?
Ha ha ha!
Hmm...
[Thud]
[Man]
That's Daniel pinsky?
It's pathetic.
I can't tell
what his face even looks like.
How are we supposed
to find him
if we don't even know
what he looks like, huh?
Oh, that's lovely.
Lovely work.
My god, Thelma.
Unbelievable.
The camera work
is substandard.
Well, he was
running so fast,
and the day
was so hot.
My eyes were
just stinging away
with perspiration.
Besides...
You know
I have no training
at picture-taking,
darling.
Please don't
call me darling.
I no longer need
a nanny.
Thank you, Thelma.
What kind of camera
did you use--
an X-ray machine?
That
is so droll.
Honey, will you
protect me
from my bloodthirsty
son of a bitch?
Let's just get
one thing straight.
Any criticism
of this operation
emanates from me,
period.
Is that perfectly clear?
[Thelma]
Well, yes,
sweet pea.
Oh, now you
all mad at me...
Just like when you
were a baby.
Now, you just relax.
Don't touch me.
Baby! Honey!
Don't do that!
Julikins.
Thelma, please.
You know nobody
ever touches me.
You also know my name
is not julikins.
I am really
quite distressed
with all of you.
I'm afraid
this little pinsky
may be a problem.
I want him worse
than you do.
Then why don't you use
your brain, Mr. Bock?
Ask questions,
for heaven's sake.
Find out
who his friends are,
where they congregate.
See if he's dating
anyone in particular.
Get him, Mr. Bock...
Before
somebody else does.
All right, now.
Go ahead.
Find pinsky.
He has my monkey.
Shoot. I'm
getting a headache.
Thelma,
get that analyst
on the phone.
What did I do
with my valium?
[Pinsky]
Amy, how could you lock me
up in the closet all night
when I should have
been out there trying
to clear myself?
You're on
the front page.
Oh, man.
See what I mean?
Now I'm a murderer
on the front page.
If you knew what
winning that contest
means to me
and my friends.
Five years,
we've been playing
15-bucks-a-night
club dates
in places like modesto
and redwood city.
Hot dog stand openings,
election rallies,
wakes...
Yeah, wakes.
And you really think
you have a chance to win?
If I don't
get busted.
[Tuning]
[Chattering]
Hey,
what's going on?
I don't know.
Well, why is he
acting like that?
[Chattering]
Maybe he's looking
for a place
to dump that cold pizza
you fed him last night.
Not likely.
He's already done that
several times.
Oh, great!
There goes
my term paper
on the federal
reserve system.
Now you'll get
an "a" on it.
He's just hungry.
That's all.
Oh, my baby just
wanted his breakfast,
didn't he?
Yeah. He did.
[Tuning]
It's
just gibberish.
What did you expect--
Shakespeare?
Hey, you know
your breakfast
is getting cold!
Come on.
Don't you want
to eat something?
Come on.
Eat your tofu
and wheat germ.
Amy...
This ain't
no ordinary monkey.
Hmm.
Hmm!
Ha ha!
That tofu stuff
will kill you.
Ha ha!
And where's
my shirt?
Right behind you.
Don't you remember?
I washed it.
Thank you.
Anytime
the victim's blood
gets on your shirt,
just bring it
on over.
All right, men.
Come on. Arm's length.
Men,
we have a mission.
One of our men
is missing in action.
Pinsky's out there somewhere
in no-man's-land,
cut off from his outfit.
The cops
think he's a killer,
but we know different.
Pinsky's one of us.
[Man clears throat]
Uh-huh.
Sort of.
Men, wherever the battle
takes you today,
look for pinsky,
from the halls
of the cow palace
to the shores
of sausalito.
50 bucks to the driver
who spots--
um, drop that.
Um...
20 bucks to the driver
who spots him first
and radios in.
Arnold...
I want to talk
to you.
Oh...
O.k. Dismissed!
[Charlie]
I think this is
a perfect choice for your wife.
[Telephone rings]
For yourself,
check that out.
Revolutions
are coming back in.
Masquerade.
[Pinsky]
Hello, Charlie.
Pinsky!
Are you o.K.?
Yeah.
Yeah, sure.
Listen.
Did you get my note?
Yeah. I got
your note.
Look. You're in jail,
aren't you, pinsky?
I knew
this would happen.
Don't worry.
We'll get you out.
We'll get
a good lawyer,
and we can do
prison benefits.
No, man.
I'm not
in the cooler.
I'm safe.
Call the guys
and tell them,
o.K.?
Look. Here's
what I'll do.
I'll cancel
the semi-finals.
Charlie, we're not
canceling anything.
We play...Today.
O.k. Look.
I got
a question for you.
How are we going to
get in and out of the building
without being noticed?
You take care
of that.
Do your stuff.
What?
Use the shop,
scout the place.
Oh...
I got you.
[Man]
All right,
Mr. Arnold.
Would you like to
try it one more time?
[Arnold mumbling]
Stand on
your Mark there--
tape right
on the floor.
You ready?
O.k. Roll tape.
And just
go right ahead.
Would you kindly
repeat the question?
Did he ever give you
any indication
he might be
a murderer?
You think
I'd hire anybody
to drive for me
who wasn't an o.K.,
straight guy?
He never gave me
no indication
he could kill anything,
except cabs.
He killed my cabs...
And me.
He's killing me.
Folks...
I run a first-class
operation here--
kourtesy,
komfort, and kuickness.
Just dial 390-9009.
Red & blue's
got a cab for youse.
Pinsky wrote that,
that little pecker.
Cut.
390-9009.
Uh, I told you,
you can't use
that kind
of language
on TV, Mr. Arnold.
Ah, shit.
Mr. Arnold,
would you like us
to write this down
so you can
just read it?
No, no. Let me--
I can get it.
O.k. All right.
Ready? Roll tape.
Just pick up
where you left off.
Oh,
yeah, sure.
Well, would you
turn the camera on?
Turn
the camera on.
Roll 'em.
[Tires screech]
[Ringing]
Hello.
Hello. Amy?
Yeah.
How's the monkey?
Because
I got to pick it up
after the semi-finals.
Well, where
you going now?
Bayshore
and Geneva.
That's where that guy
in my cab--Dr. Stowe--
asked me to take him
before he got it.
Pinsky,
be careful.
Ivan skodbodni.
Igor zhukov.
Oh, man.
Mr. Zhukov.
I think I've got
your monkey.
[Grunting]
Shalom, shalom.
Shalom.
Good to
see you. Shalom.
Shalom.
Shalom.
What if they
recognize you?
We got to take
that chance.
Come on!
This way!
Come on!
Hurry up!
Here.
[Tuning]
♪ Love is why I live ♪
♪ love is why I sing ♪
♪ it's what makes me
wake up and try my wings ♪
♪ ooh ♪ ♪ ooh ♪
♪ what's a song
without music? ♪
♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ ooh ♪
♪ what does
anything mean ♪
♪ without love? ♪
♪ Bittersweet
first breath of air ♪
♪ satin quilts
and tender care ♪
♪ sleep home
with your mamma ♪
♪ free from harm
with your mamma ♪
♪ oh, you lucky one ♪
♪ those days will be gone
in the sunshine of love ♪
♪ meet that other world
out there ♪
♪ where there's
not much love to spare ♪
♪ dreams
drowned in confusion ♪
♪ angry hot disillusion ♪
♪ in a desert of wonders,
searchin' for love ♪
♪ the most precious gift
that life can offer ♪
♪ all I want is love ♪
♪ all I need is love ♪
♪ all it takes
to make life succeed is love ♪
♪ nothing else
really matters ♪
♪ when there's
no one to love... ♪
[Dispatcher]
51, go to 21--
pinsky, you're going to wish
your mamma never had you!
You want me
to report you to the cops?
I'm not being
an accessory to murder
because of you,
you schmuck, you!
Pinsky!
♪ Without love ♪
♪ If your walk
through life began ♪
♪ all alone,
no helping hand ♪
♪ find love, understanding ♪
♪ never take it
for granted ♪
♪ in this jungle of
people hungry for love ♪
♪ the most precious gift
that life can offer ♪
♪ all I want is love ♪
♪ all I need is love ♪
♪ all it takes to make life
succeed is love... ♪
[Tires screech]
Lieutenant,
channel 5.
Can I ask you
a few questions?
♪ Oh, what's a song
without music? ♪
♪ What does anything mean
without love? ♪
♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ ooh ♪
Thank you very much.
Next group, please.
I can't believe it.
We made it.
♪ Love is why I sing ♪
♪ it's what makes me
wake up and try my wings ♪
♪ try my wings ♪
♪ love is... ♪
We knew we had
a stolen cab.
Our officers found it...
...a great deal of time
and difficulty,
but we did it.
Is this man
armed and dangerous?
We don't know, but we're
not taking any chances.
Oh!
Mmm!
♪ It's your duty ♪
♪ to shake your Booty ♪
♪ you came here
to dance ♪
[Singing]
[Over bull horn]
Pinsky,
we know you're in there.
Hmm?
Pinsky, Daniel.
We got the place
surrounded.
Don't try
to get away.
Oh!
♪ Ow! Get up ♪
We'll give you
a count of five to come out.
If you don't,
we're coming in.
A count of five, pinsky.
♪ Ahh! ♪
♪ You know
that you can do it ♪
1...
Hmm.
[Coughs]
♪ Hey,
you sure look tough ♪
♪ oooow! ♪
2...
[Gulp]
♪ Hey, ooh, ahh ♪
♪ ooh, ahh,
hey-ey-ey ♪
♪ ooh, ahh, ooh, ahh,
hey-ey-ey ♪
You o.K.?
3...
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ it's your duty ♪
♪ come on, baby,
let's do it ♪
♪ to shake your Booty ♪
♪ it's your duty... ♪
4...
This is it, pinsky.
Keep
that sidewalk clear.
5...
[Man]
Here he comes.
Stay back! Stay back!
Pinsky, pinsky, pinsky!
What, pinsky?
Where, pinsky?
Minsky!
Red & blue's
got a cab for you.
[High voice]
Oh, that's very nice,
young man.
Whoever wrote that
must be very talented.
I wouldn't
say that, lady.
What can
I do for you?
I said, "what
can I do for you?"
I need a cab, young man.
Yes, yes, I do.
What's your name
and address, ma'am?
I said, "what's
your name and address?"
My name?
My name is, um, uh...
Um, uh...
Emma...emma orr.
Emma orr! Yes.
And what is
your address, Mrs. Orr?
What?
What
is your address?
Hey, shh...
79...
799 Frederick.
All right,
Mrs. Orr.
It will be 20
to 30 minutes.
I don't have
a cab available
right this minute.
Oh, no, no.
That won't do.
Uh, got to hurry,
hurry, hurry!
This is an emergency!
I'm sorry, Mrs. Orr,
but I don't have--
hold it, hold it,
hold it.
I'll pick her up
in my cab.
She's right
in the neighborhood.
Hello, lady.
You're in luck.
We'll have a taxi
right there.
Ohh...that's so nice
of you, young man,
but please
tell your driver
that he got to knock,
knock, knock
because I don't hear
so well.
Will do.
I'll knock on
the door real,
real loud.
Oh, thank you
very much...
Young man.
Oh, shit.
O.k., Joe.
Hit it.
Mmm...
[Knocking]
Mrs. Emma orr!
Red & blue cab.
Mrs. Emma orr!
Red & blue cab.
[Engine revs]
Hey!
Hey, stop!
Pinsky! Pinsky!
Where you going
with my cab?
Pinsky!
Come back!
That's my own
personal cab!
Amy.
Amy!
Excuse me.
I'm a friend.
A friend.
When you need me...
I'll be in touch.
Remember...
[Sneezes]
I'll be in touch.
I'm a friend.
Amy?
Amy,
where are you?
Amy...
Monkey...
Oh, Jesus!
What are you doing?
Hee hee! Got you
real good, huh?
Amy...
I thought something
happened to you.
[Amy]
Why are we here
instead of the circus?
My drummer,
Einstein--
he lives here
with his family.
I'm going to
leave that monkey
with him.
As long as
that monkey's safe,
I'm safe.
Oh, I could
take care of honey.
I could check into
some out-of-the-way hotel,
cut classes.
Damn.
I wish
he'd come home.
Mmm...
Aah!
Grab the monkey!
Get it!
Get it!
Going to try
something, pinsky?
Go ahead.
Try something.
[Thelma]
Come on.
Come on to mamma.
All right.
We're getting out
of the cab now.
You want me to be
a happy man, pinsky?
Make a run for it.
Get out of the car.
Now!
Come on, please.
Oh!
Close the door.
Oh!
[Kissing noises]
Forget it, Thelma.
Get him
to come down.
See what happens
when you pick your pimples?
You're dead,
punk.
Pinsky, get
honey down.
Amy.
He'll come
to you!
Your monkey
loves pinsky.
We'll make
a deal with you.
Amy, you believe this guy?
He's a murderer.
Why don't you just
get honey down now?
Or your girlfriend
gets it first.
♪ Doing, doing ♪
What are you
doing now, pinsky?
♪ Doing ♪
♪ doing, doing ♪
♪ doing, doing,
doing, doing ♪
Uh!
Mm-hmm.
Get in the car.
Get in the car!
Don't push me, man.
Get in the car.
Aah!
My foot!
Ooh!
Come on,
come on!
Yah!
Ooh!
Ooh! Ooh!
My hand.
Come on.
Come to daddy.
Put down the gun.
Don't
shoot daddy.
Ahh!
[Thelma]
The gun!
Amy, wait!
Damn it!
Amy, what
are you doing?
Get in! Get in!
What do you mean,
get in?
Let me shoot him!
[Thelma]
Well, honey...
The night
was so hot,
and the monkey
was so quick.
Don't be mad
at me.
Mad? Why, you haven't
seen anything yet, miss Thelma.
Sure, I was born
with everything,
but I was left
with no new worlds to conquer...
Until now.
This precious vintage
Mueller wine--
we're all going to
drink it together...
When that monkey
is mine.
Woo! Thelma,
you touched.
♪ Dance, dance, dance
all night ♪
Your move,
Mr. Pinsky.
Your move.
[Music playing]
Eat, monkey! Eat!
Look, monkey,
I don't understand
one word
of monkey talk.
I wonder how Tarzan
made cheetah eat.
We're sorry about having
to leave the monkey
with you, Katie,
but there seems to be
no other safe place.
Amy, you're looking
to steal pinsky away
from me, aren't you?
How do you plead?
Guilty as hell.
Oh, it's settled.
Going with pinsky
is like doing
hard time, sister.
Coming?
Bye, Katie.
Oh, Daniel.
I almost forgot.
Your musician
friend called
late last night.
Yeah, Charlie.
He said that
your group was in
the finals of
some contest.
I knew you'd
make it.
Oh, you did?
Yeah.
I'm not going to
make nothing
if I don't talk
to Ivan skodbodni.
Come on.
[Katie]
Oh, when are the finals?
Tomorrow night.
[Record skipping]
[Elephant trumpeting
and band playing]
Ladies and gentlemen...
All right.
[Monkey screeching]
♪ Doing, doing, doing,
doing, doing, doing ♪
What do you want
in this place?
Who are you?
How did you
get here, my friend?
This area is only
for circus personnel.
I know you.
You're Igor zhukov.
I confess.
I am zhukov.
How may I be
of service to you?
I'm looking for
Ivan skodbodni.
There is no one
in this circus
named
Ivan skodbodni.
No?
No.
[Horse whinnies]
Mr. Zhukov,
those monkeys.
Are those
your monkeys?
So many questions!
What is your name,
my son?
Pine. Irving pine.
How do you do?
How do you do,
Mr. Pine?
And this is Gregor.
Hey, Gregor.
And, yes,
those are my monkeys.
Mr. Zhukov, I think
I might have
something that
belongs to you.
[Zhukov]
Please sit down,
Irving.
I found the monkey
in a kind of box,
and inside the box,
there was this note.
Your name
and Ivan skodbodni's
was on that note.
Remarkable.
Tell me, Irving.
Where is this
monkey of yours?
It's in a safe place.
Look, man,
if you can't help me,
I want to speak
to Ivan skodbodni.
Now, I know he's here.
Irving,
how can I help you
if you won't
answer my questions?
I'm in a lot of trouble
because of this monkey!
If I take the monkey
and the note to the cops,
you're going
to be involved, too.
I was kind of hoping
that we could
work something out.
First you help me
clear myself,
and then I'll
give you the monkey.
Right.
[Zhukov]
Sit down...
Pinsky.
I have to go
and do my act now.
When I return,
you will tell me
where the monkey is.
Oh.
Gregor is very strong
and very quick.
Well, there's no real reason
for me to stick around.
I hope I run into you
again someday
while you're walking
and I'm driving my cab.
[Speaking Russian]
Hey, that's cool.
[Drums playing]
And now, ladies
and gentlemen,
our marvelous Soviet
red star circus
grand finale!
[Band plays and crowd cheers]
You're one big
ugly dude.
Da.
Oh, man.
So you're pretty
quick, huh?
Da.
Keep your eye
on the orange.
Good hands.
[Speaking Russian]
[Mimicking Gregor]
[Speaking Russian]
[Mimicking Gregor]
Hmm?
Uhh...
Uhh...
[Gregor yelling
in Russian]
Unh!
[Horse whinnies]
[Speaking Russian]
[Horse whinnies]
[Woman]
Whoa!
Lookit! Did you see that?
Ugh!
Aha!
Aah!
[Trumpets]
Ugh!
All right, Gregor! Get him!
Get him!
Arggh!
[Speaking Russian]
Whoa!
Aah!
Pinsky!
Arggh!
[Zhurkov]
Pinsky!
The monkey
is mine!
Arggh!
[Trumpets]
Ladies and gentlemen,
please calm down!
Please!
Will you please direct
your attention
to our giant
Asian elephants
and their legendary trainer,
Igor zhukov.
[Pinsky]
All right.
Hey, big foot!
Don't look down.
Ohh.
Ohh!
Arggh!
Ugh!
Whoa!
Aah!
[Thud]
[Ah-choo]
You! Hey!
Oh, man, am I glad
to see you!
Wait a minute.
Huh?
Oh!
[Ah-choo]
I'm with you, Daniel.
Everything's
going to be o.K.
[Amy]
Damn!
Pinsky!
Where are you?
[Gasp]
[Car won't start]
[Car starts]
Taxi?
My, my,
how lovely we look
after our bath,
Mr. Pinsky.
Sit down, won't you?
Can I offer you
something to drink?
A lovely glass
of wine, perhaps?
No?
Chocolate milk?
How is your head?
It's great.
'Cause you and I
are going to have
a little chat,
and I would
like you to be
as clearheaded
as possible.
Where is my monkey,
Mr. Pinsky?
Look, man,
I'm not telling you
another thing
until you tell me
who the hell you are
and why you want
the monkey!
There's really no need
to threaten, Mr. Pinsky.
My name is Mueller.
And I'm in the process
of executing a plan
that will eternally,
indelibly, immortally
burn my name right alongside
the giants of history.
You've got
one hell of a plan
if you
can't make it work
without a monkey.
It's a perfect plan,
Mr. Pinsky.
It's an exquisitely
perfect plan.
There are many
computers like this one
all over the world,
each one programmed
exactly the same.
Everything ever published
in the field
of nuclear physics
you'll find right
in here.
One such computer's
in Moscow.
Another was
at Dr. Stowe's disposal
at the university.
Dr. Stowe, poor thing.
Brilliant physicist,
stupid man.
I was his best student.
I duplicated this computer
all by myself.
Uh, actually, I've been
building things like this
ever since I was a...
Little baby.
That's
really sweet.
Last year, Dr. Stowe perfected
the most magnificent formula
for the United States
government--
how to quickly
and cheaply convert
nuclear waste
into weapons-grade
plutonium.
Unfortunately,
Dr. Stowe wanted
to share
this information
with the Russians also
so that no one nation
could become too powerful.
Lame idea.
The FBI found out
his intentions,
and they began watching him.
They interviewed me,
asked me if I'd watch him.
I watched him.
That's when I
thought up my plan.
Dr. Stowe
taught his formula
to a monkey?
Precisely.
So if you get
the monkey...
I'll be able to take
cheap, easily acquired
nuclear waste
and build my own
weapons-grade plutonium.
Actually, I already have
a warehouse full of rockets
just like this one.
I bought them from
the Costa Ricans.
They got theirs
from the Ethiopians.
The Ethiopians bought
theirs from the Cubans.
The Cubans got theirs
from the Russians.
The Russians won theirs
in the Irish sweepstakes.
[Snort]
Ha ha ha!
Hello. Mr. President.
Yeah, uh, statue of Liberty--
in 5 seconds,
my very own, rather small
nuclear-tipped rocket
will destroy the beacon
in her right hand.
Whoosh! Boom!
Oh, my dear.
Terribly sorry, Mr. President.
Seems miss Liberty's
entire right arm...
Oh, my goodness.
Part of that right breast, too.
Now, naturally, I could hold
entire cities for ransom.
[Telephone beeping]
Cities, not titties.
Uh, you know.
New York, uh...
San Francisco,
Washington.
But, uh, what the hey.
All you really have to do
to save your nation,
Mr. President,
is fork over, say, 5--
ehh, make it
15 billion, uh, bananas...
Artichokes...
Uh, dollars.
50 billion anything.
Doesn't really matter.
I'm not
impressed.
Mr. Pinsky,
join up with me,
and I'll see that
all your wildest
dreams come true.
I'll see that all my
wildest dreams come true.
And let me tell you
something
that might save you
a lot of time.
You can't blackmail
an entire nation.
Arabs do it with oil.
Brazilians do it
with coffee.
No. You've lost,
Mr. Pinsky.
I'm the winner.
Now, join up with me
before it's too late.
Where is my monkey?
I'm not telling you
anything,
and I don't care
what you do to me.
What makes you think
I'm going to do
anything you?
You little nothing.
You little nit.
All right.
Make yourselves
comfortable.
Oh, by the way,
tomorrow you'll talk,
or you'll die.
[Door slams]
Daniel.
Would it help any
if I said...
What?
Well, you got a hell
of a way with words.
Roll over.
Why?
I'll try and untie
your ropes.
There's no way
we're going to get
out of this room.
Well, escape
isn't exactly
what I had in mind.
Oh, yeah?
It's crazy.
Yeah.
Let's be crazy.
Far out.
Uh-huh.
[Horn honking]
We've
got company.
Company?
[Katie]
What's wrong?
Won't this damn thing
go any faster?
Ma, the sun's
in my eyes,
the road's dusty,
and I can't see
where I'm going!
You drive better
that way.
Come on! Faster!
I'm leading
this attack, ma!
The left flank's
getting sloppy,
Fred,
and the rear guard
back there--
let's close it up.
Let's do this
by the book, men.
Book! Huh!
My Fanny.
Slightly better,
Arnold.
Thanks, ma.
Mickey, come on.
Now, be careful.
This could be
a big one.
All right, Jimmy.
Let's go.
Now, hold it
a minute.
Uh! Ooh!
Punk.
You guys
go on inside.
I'm going
around the back.
This is too much.
My comput--
my comput--
if that little boy
puts one finger on my machine,
I don't know what
I'm going to do.
Pinsky!
Oh, kind and loving
sweet virgin Mary...
Holy mother of god...
Get out here,
you son of a bitch!
You pig!
Pinsky!
[Pinsky]
Arnold?
Pinsky!
Arnold!
These people
hurt you?
No? Then I'm going
to kill you.
Where's my fares
and my cab?
I'm the one
who drove it here.
Arnold, Amy.
Amy, Arnold.
I hope he don't treat you
like he treats my cabs.
He won't.
Oh, Arnold!
Enough of that!
Come on!
Lead the way,
little lady.
Isn't he great?
[Katie]
Get him!
Behind you!
Bring him over here!
Ooh!
Oh, my god!
Aah!
Ugh!
My computer...
Nobody ever touches
my computer.
Look, Daniel.
Um...
Could I just
talk to you
for one minute--
don't!
Don't you dare!
Hello,
Mr. President?
There's been
a change in plans.
Ah!
Uh! Uh!
Aah!
Amy, where
are you going?
Across the farm!
Come on!
If you're
going to go, go!
Let's go! Move it!
You all right?
Yeah,
I'm all right.
You better have
my money.
What about Katie?
Is Katie all right?
Katie's all right.
She's around here
somewhere.
Here? Well, what did she do
with the monkey?
Screw the monkey!
What do you mean?
Where's
my money?
No. I got to know
about the monkey!
Some guy
stole the monkey.
Some fat Russian
commie took it.
Amy, get in.
[Engine starts]
Hey! Come back!
Where you going
with my cab?
Oh, not again!
Damn! Zhukov's
got the monkey!
We got
to find him,
or I'll never
clear myself.
[Amy]
Damn. The circus
was here yesterday.
[Pinsky]
Ivan skodbodni,
3 P.M., Saturday.
Ivan skodbodni,
3 P.M., Saturday.
That's today.
I know that.
What does Ivan skodbodni
do at 3 P.M., Saturday?
Why don't we
just find out
what town
the circus
goes to next?
Pinsky, this
is impossible.
Let's just go
to the police.
What did you say?
This
is impossible.
Let's just go
to the police.
No, no, no.
Where the circus
goes next?
It goes nowhere...
Not with
a hot monkey.
Ivan skodbodni,
3 P.M., Saturday.
Oh, come on.
3 P.M., Saturday.
Oh, come on.
Uh...
Uh!
Oh, man.
Ivan skodbodni,
3 P.M., Saturday.
It sails
back to Russia.
Come on.
[Elephant trumpeting]
Pinsky...
[Muttering]
O.k.
[Muttering]
Pinsky!
[Muttering]
There!
[Whistling]
Hide!
Back in here!
[Whistling]
Come on, come on.
Come here.
Come on.
Do it!
Come on!
Do it!
Come on!
♪ Doing, doing,
doing, doing ♪
Come here,
honey.
♪ Doing, doing,
doing, doing ♪
♪ doing, doing ♪
♪ doing, doing,
doing, doing ♪
♪ doing, doing ♪
♪ doing, doing,
doing, doing ♪
♪ doing, doing ♪
♪ doing, doing,
doing, doing ♪
Pinsky,
there he is.
Honey.
Got to be
the small key.
It's o.K.,
baby.
♪ Doing, doing,
doing, doing, doing ♪
Come on. Let's go.
[Man speaking Russian]
Somebody's coming!
Hmm!
Uh!
[Growling]
[Man speaking Russian]
Up here!
Fast! Come on!
[Muttering]
We're going to have to
make a run for it.
No need to run,
pinsky.
You may walk,
but first,
the monkey, if you please.
Amy, let's go!
Here.
Take my hand.
This way.
Come on!
Come on!
Give me your hand!
[Amy]
Go, go!
Comrades,
get them!
I don't believe it.
I don't believe it!
Take it easy,
Mr. Pinsky.
My name is Davis.
I'm with the FBI.
[Pinsky]
FBI?
All right.
All right.
Listen.
She didn't do
anything, o.K.?
Well,
neither did you,
Mr. Pinsky.
We know
everything.
I've been chasing
you for days,
trying to tell you
that you're free.
You're
free and clear.
I'm free?
Thank you.
Thank you
very much.
Thank you very much,
young lady.
Huh.
Well, the local
constabulary--
come on, darling.
The local
constabulary
may have
something to say
about the 78
parking tickets,
but you're all clear
with uncle Sam.
You've been chasing me
for days,
trying to tell me
that I'm free?
Ha ha! Don't try
anything funny,
comrade.
[Pinsky]
You know, you ought to
arrest that guy.
Now, you're
right, Daniel,
but they'd
just arrest
an American tourist
in Moscow,
and we'd
have to trade.
No. All we want
out of this deal
is this hairy
little fellow
right here.
What are you going
to do with the monkey?
Oh, he won't
suffer.
What
do you mean?
Well,
we'll just, uh,
put him to sleep.
Oh. You're
going to kill him.
Well,
it's national
security.
He knows
too much.
Huh.
♪ Doing, doing, doing ♪
Hey!
Look, pinsky.
That monkey's
under arrest.
He's
my prisoner.
This is
a Soviet ship.
That monkey belongs
to my government!
Hand him over.
Amy!
Hey, take it easy,
young lady.
Careful.
Just calm down.
[Zhukov]
Be very careful.
Give me the monkey.
[Davis]
Don't do anything
foolish, young lady.
Don't get excited.
Please be calm.
Just relax.
[Muttering]
Young lady...
I appeal to you.
Don't listen to him.
Think of your country.
Why think about
your country, my dear?
It does not think
about you.
Don't take
another step,
or I'll drop him.
That's o.K.
It's only a misdemeanor
to drown a monkey.
[Muttering]
O.k.
Just loosen up.
Just loosen up.
How can you even
contemplate
persecuting
a poor, helpless,
downtrodden creature
like that monkey?
Misdemeanor?
Downtrodden creature?
Oh, you're both
such big phonies!
Loosen up.
Uh, o.K.
O.k.
You want to kill the monkey
so you can blow up the world,
and you want to save the monkey
so you can blow up the world.
Well, you're not
going to exploit
this poor, innocent
little baby anymore.
[Monkey whimpers]
Save it.
Save it!
Hurry, comrades.
Hurry!
Save it!
Save it!
Hey, don't just
stand there.
You make sure
that damn thing
is drowned
and bring me
the evidence.
Hey, quiet, you.
Just be quiet.
Pinsky,
the finals.
Damn!
Lulu...
Oh, Lulu.
What?
How come you won't
go out with me?
Well, Ronnie,
you see...
It's like this...
♪ You're out of touch ♪
♪ you talk too much ♪
♪ you bend my ear ♪
♪ you're not my type ♪
♪ you're impolite ♪
♪ you're not Sincere ♪
♪ you're out of line ♪
♪ you waste my time ♪
♪ you smell like beer ♪
♪ you're underweight ♪
♪ you deviate ♪
♪ get outta here! ♪
♪ And that's why ♪
♪ I don't like you ♪
♪ and that's why ♪
♪ I won't kiss you ♪
♪ and that's why ♪
♪ I don't want you
around ♪
♪ and that's why ♪
♪ I don't love you ♪
♪ and that's why ♪
♪ I won't miss you... ♪
♪ I don't want you
around ♪
[Cheering]
♪ And that's why ♪
♪ I don't like you ♪
♪ and that's why ♪
♪ I won't kiss you ♪
♪ and that's why ♪
♪ I don't want you
around ♪
♪ and that's why ♪
♪ I don't love you ♪
♪ and that's why ♪
♪ I won't miss you ♪
♪ and that's why ♪
♪ I don't want you
around ♪
♪ hey, I don't want you
around ♪
♪ no! Don't want you
around ♪
[Cheering]
And now,
here are the finalists
in the Warner records
musical group competition--
rush hour!
♪ Time to go ♪
♪ I'm gonna
hit the highway ♪
♪ time to leave ♪
♪ the dawn's comin' on ♪
♪ packed my bags ♪
♪ I said my good-byes ♪
♪ gonna break my bread ♪
♪ up the road ahead ♪
♪ there's a place
that I'm lookin' for ♪
♪ ocean blue
and summer green ♪
♪ where I wandered
once before ♪
♪ on the far side
of a dream ♪
♪ hurry on ♪
♪ on to the next horizon ♪
♪ race the clouds ♪
♪ and run
with the sun ♪
♪ I got to get all the way
to the mountaintop ♪
♪ I got a date somewhere ♪
♪ in those clouds
up there ♪
♪ there's a place
that I'm lookin' for ♪
♪ ocean blue
and summer green ♪
♪ where I wandered
once before ♪
♪ on the far side
of a dream ♪
♪ there's a place
that I'm lookin' for ♪
♪ ocean blue
and summer green ♪
♪ where I wandered
once before ♪
♪ on the far side
of a dream ♪
[Cheering and applause]
Aargh!
[Girls screaming]
Everybody...
Uh! Uh!
Uh!
Everybody...
There's somebody
I want you to meet.
He's a really good
friend of mine.
His name is Mueller.
Here. Put a spot
on him.
It's good to see you
again, Julius.
Thanks for dropping by.
Ha ha! Mueller...
Has a big surprise
for everybody.
Hidden
all over his body,
he has tickets
for everybody
to the next...
Kiss concert!
[Screaming]
Come and get 'em!
No! Don't
you touch me!
No! No!
Don't!
Don't touch me!
No! No!
Don't touch me!
Don't! Don't!
Nobody
ever touches me!
♪ Bittersweet
first breath of air... ♪
Taxi?
♪ ...tender care ♪
Where to?
Anywhere.
Anywhere?
You got it.
♪ Meet that other world
out there ♪
♪ where there's
not much love to spare ♪
♪ dreams
drown in confusion ♪
♪ angry hot disillusion ♪
♪ in a desert of people
hungry for love ♪
♪ the most precious gift
that life can offer ♪
♪ all I want is love ♪
♪ all I need is love ♪
♪ all it takes
to make life succeed is love ♪
♪ nothing else
really matters ♪
♪ when there's
no one to love ♪
♪ love is why I live ♪
♪ love is why I sing ♪
♪ it's what makes me
wake up and try my wings ♪
♪ what's a song
without music? ♪
♪ What does
anything mean ♪
♪ without love? ♪
♪ Love, lo-o-ve ♪
♪ love, lo-o-ove ♪
♪ love ♪
♪ if your walk
through life began ♪
♪ all alone,
no helping hand ♪
♪ find love,
understanding ♪
♪ never take it
for granted ♪
♪ in this jungle of people
hungry for love ♪
♪ the most precious gift
that life can offer ♪
♪ all I want is love ♪
♪ all I need is love ♪
♪ all it takes
to make life succeed is love ♪
♪ love is why I live ♪
♪ love is why I sing ♪
♪ it's what makes me
wake up and try my wings ♪
♪ all I want is love ♪
♪ all I need is love ♪
♪ all it takes to make life
succeed is love... ♪
Captioning performed by
the national captioning
institute, inc.
Captions copyright 1995
Warner Bros.
Warner Bros. Home video
[Clicking]
[Man]
Dr. Stowe,
I'm terribly sorry
to barge in on you
without an appointment,
but about the
lecture you gave in clas
this morning,
I'd love to
ask you a couple
questions about it, if I may.
Come back tomorrow,
Mueller.
Tomorrow?
Oh, all right.
Uh...
Dr. Stowe?
Sir, are you
all right?
Look here, Mueller,
you're a brilliant student,
and I do want
to help you,
but I simply have
no time now.
Come back tomorrow.
During office hours.
Yes, sir.
Uh, thank you,
Dr. Stowe,
and I hope
you feel better.
[Bell tolling]
Computer rx-12
is operational.
Testing
plutonium conversion formula
integrated
for animal response.
Animal sound stimulus enacted.
Thank you.
Programmed plutonium waste
conversion data to computer.
Thank you.
Warning. Cancel all present
plutonium data return.
Repeat. Cancel testing.
[Beeping stops]
It's o.K.
It's me.
Continue testing
plutonium conversion formula
from animal subject.
[Tones descending in pitch]
Animal sound stimulus
enacted.
You o.K., honey?
Animal subject
is returning
plutonium waste conversion data
to computer.
[Computer signals sounding]
How's everything?
Fine.
Good.
Malfunction.
Override program testing.
Animal subject
no longer returning
plutonium conversion data.
Thank you.
No food. No data.
Thank you.
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
[Gunfire]
[Beeping
and garbled computer voice]
Oh!
Ow! Ow! Ow!
Aah!
[Trolley bell dings]
♪ Mr. Weinstein
ran the barbershop ♪
♪ on the corner
of colonial and pine ♪
♪ I went there
for my very first haircut ♪
♪ in 1959 ♪
I was 3 at the time.
♪ Mr. Weinstein put
a leather-covered box ♪
♪ on the seat
of the old barber chair ♪
♪ gently lifted me up,
under the arms ♪
♪ and sat me way up there ♪
And softly said...
"Don't be scared."
♪ He pinned a big white towel
around my neck ♪
♪ and went to work
with a scissors and a comb ♪
♪ he cut my baby hair off
and gave me a burr ♪
♪ you could see the skin
on my dome ♪
Ha ha. Oh, mamma cried
when I got home.
♪ The talcum
smelled like candy ♪
♪ the hair
smelled like Rose ♪
♪ the bay rum
smelled like bubble gum ♪
♪ to a 3-year-old
kid's nose ♪
♪ I can hear
Mr. Weinstein sayin' ♪
♪ "don't move
when I use the shears" ♪
♪ "right here in this drawer,
I got a collection" ♪
♪ "of fidgety
little boys' ears" ♪
♪ 'lectric clippers
a-buzzin' ♪
♪ scissors goin'
snippety-snip ♪
♪ and I never moved once,
though the fallin' hair ♪
♪ tickled my upper lip ♪
♪ and my dear dad
tellin' Mr. Weinstein ♪
♪ "you sure cut it short
on top" ♪
♪ I'll remember it all
till the day I die ♪
♪ Mr. Weinstein's
barbershop ♪
[Train horn blows]
♪ What I wanted was a moment
to relive the past ♪
♪ but that's not
what I got ♪
♪ oh, lord, the corner
of colonial and pine ♪
♪ was an empty
parkin' lot ♪
A godforsaken alien spot.
♪ I asked a man on the street
where Mr. Weinstein was ♪
♪ he said, "main and third,
that's where" ♪
♪ I drove to main and third,
knowin' there'd be ♪
♪ a cemetery there ♪
Found his grave...
Said a prayer.
♪ 'Lectric clippers
a-buzzin' ♪
♪ scissors goin'
snippety-snip ♪
♪ and I never moved once,
though the fallin' hair ♪
♪ tickled my upper lip ♪
♪ and my dear dad
tellin' Mr. Weinstein ♪
♪ "you sure cut it short
on top" ♪
♪ I'll remember it all
till the day I die ♪
♪ Mr. Weinstein's
barbershop ♪
♪ I'll remember it all
till the day I die ♪
♪ Mr. Weinstein's ♪
♪ barbershop ♪
[Music ends]
We'll let you know.
[Indistinct announcement
over intercom]
[Horns honking]
♪ We gotta keep
dancin'... ♪
[Man]
Pinsky! You haven't checked in
in two days!
Look, I'm 200, 300 bucks
in back.
Where's my money?
Look, pinsky,
I've had it with you!
You answer me, or...
Or I'll strangle you
till your tongue hangs out
from here to Honolulu!
Pinsky, answer me! God--
[Dr. Stowe]
Taxi! Taxi!
[Tires screech]
[Horn honks]
♪ Dance ♪
Hey, what's the matter
with you, man?
You don't look
so good.
Bayshore and Geneva.
You got it.
Bay...shore...
And Geneva.
Hey, trust me.
I'll get you there
in one piece.
[Tires screech]
[Horn honks]
[Pinsky]
You like music?
A little music
will settle you down.
Well, if you don't mind,
I'm going to put on
a little music, o.K.?
Bayshore and Geneva's
a long way.
♪ 1...2...
1, 2, 3, 4 ♪
[Music blaring]
♪ Bittersweet
first breath of air... ♪
[Pinsky]
That song you hear--
you like it?
That's
good stuff, huh?
I wrote it. Yeah.
That's my band
playing it, too.
Hey, you're not
in show business,
are you?
Are you
in show business?
Or maybe you
know somebody
in show business?
Take one of
these cards here
next to the picture.
It's a good picture,
too, huh?
That's my group.
We call ourselves
rush hour.
Rush hour.
Look at
this traffic.
Look at this.
Man, am I
in a crummy mood,
I'll tell you that.
Hmm! Women.
I'll tell you
something, man.
Women--they get
into your brain,
mess you up,
scramble you up,
and then they
make you feel...
What's that word
I'm looking for?
[Tires screech]
I may not get you
to bayshore and Geneva
in one piece,
but I'll get you there.
Hey, man, you sick
or something?
Could you do it
out the window?
Hey, what the hell
you think you're doing?
That's my passenger's
property!
Will you get
your hands off it?
Holy shit!
[Tires screech]
[Tires screech]
Hey!
Jesus, mister!
You believe that weirdo?
No wonder
you were nervous!
No way he was going to
get that box, though.
Anybody in my cab is
under my protection.
You're safe,
I'll tell you that.
What's the matter, man?
You sick?
[Tires screech]
Oh, man!
What's the matter
with you?
Come on, mister!
Listen, sit up!
Just talk to me!
Tell me
where it hurts!
Is it your heart?
Did he scare you?
Listen, I learned this
in the Y.M.C.A.
Aah!
Uhh!
[Woman]
Taxi.
Huh?
Aah!
No!
No, no, no!
It's not what you think, lady!
Oh! Aah!
I'm the cabdriver!
Aah! Oh! Aah!
Do I look like
a killer?
Now, shh! Shh!
Lady, lady! Please!
I didn't hurt anybody!
I wouldn't kill no one!
Shut up, or I'll
blow your head off!
Aah!
Aah!
Please. Shut up.
Oh, my god!
Aah!
[Dogs barking]
[Grunting]
[Panting]
[Wood cracking]
Huh? Huh?
Oh!
Ohh! Ohh!
Ohhh!
[Clang]
[Siren]
[Dog barking]
[Radio]
♪ you never know
what'll happen next ♪
♪ 560 ksfo ♪
[Announcer]
Robbery is the apparent motive
in a murder
that has just taken place
in downtown
San Francisco.
Dr. Leonard stowe,
a noted nuclear scientist
and lecturer at
northern California university,
was fatally shot.
[Announcer]
This just in.
The San Francisco
police department
issued
an all-points bulletin...
[Announcer
speaking Spanish]
[Announcer]
The November 12th
liberation organization
is claiming responsibility
for the assassination
of scientist Dr. Leonard stowe.
[Announcer]
...And also be responsible
for the death
of behavioral scientist
Regina stowe,
[announcer]
The young assailant,
a taxicab driver,
threatened her life,
and she informed
the police.
[Twang]
[Jackhammer hammering]
"Left this note
on your door.
"We made the semi-finals!
Charlie."
[Telephone rings]
[Thud]
Hello.
Masquerade shop.
Hello.
This is Charlie.
Masquerade shop.
Hello?
Who the hell
is this?
Hello?
Hey, I don't
have time
for games now.
Can I help you
or not?
Hello?
Ahhh! Ha ha!
Oh!
[Sighs]
[Window shade snaps]
[Beethoven's symphony no. 9,
the chorale symphony playing]
Haaa!
Aah!
Sorry.
The box.
Sure.
Whoa!
Uh!
[Music softer and slower]
[Drops guitar]
Uh!
Hey, wait a minute.
Where's that guy?
Where'd that guy go?
I got to get out of here.
[Camera clicking]
[Ship's horn blows]
[Softly whistling]
[Keys jingling]
Yaah!
Jesus Christ,
Amy! What are you--
stupid?
Well, you could
ring the doorbell,
like any other
normal person.
You could have
killed me!
Are you crazy?
Jesus!
Pinsky, my sister's
not here.
And what do you mean,
I could have killed you?
Hey!
Hey, you know,
according to
the 6:00 news,
you're the murderer,
not me.
6:00 news?
Yeah.
On every channel.
Every time
I switch stations,
"pinsky, pinsky,
pinsky!
Homicidal maniac."
So, uh...
Did you kill two
or three?
One channel
said three.
Three?
You, uh...Plugged
a famous nuclear scientist
in the back seat
of your cab.
You...blew up
his wife
after you shot her
in the brains,
and you knocked a guy
off a building
with your trusty
guitar.
Little man,
you've had a busy day.
I didn't blow up
anybody's wife.
Oh, that's a relief.
Hey. On the TV,
did they say
anything
about my music
or my group?
Pinsky, you have
a one-track mind.
No, they didn't say
anything about your music
or your group.
Oh.
Hey, you want to put
that knife down?
Well, how do I know
you're not a murderer?
Did you kill anybody?
What do you think,
wiseass?
You always know
everything.
Well,know you
wouldn't murder anybody.
[Lock clicks]
The authority.
You don't know
a damn thing
about me.
[Man]
Pinsky...
Daniel.
Age 22.
Height--6 feet.
Weight--150 pounds.
Eyes--blue-gray.
Hair--brown.
The perpetrator
was abandoned--age 10.
Placed in state institution.
Ran away--age 14.
Lived on city streets
with street friends,
including a year
with a Chinese family
named Lao fung.
A long record
as a juvenile.
All petty offenses.
Arrested for vagrancy.
Placed on probation
by the juvenile courts
into the custody
of his probation officer--
miss Katie Arnold.
Employed as a cabdriver
by Katie's son--
Arnold Arnold,
who claims to have contracted
a duodenal ulcer
because of the accused.
Pinsky's been having a thing
with a female Caucasian--
Courtney Adams.
The lady has
no criminal record.
Pinsky's stayed out of trouble
the last few years,
except for 78
unpaid parking tickets.
[Man]
Well, the little dingus
is in trouble now,
and this time,
he won't work it off
in traffic school.
Maybe you should
just turn yourself in.
Hey, you got anything
to eat in here?
Warm beer
and cold pizza.
Thanks a lot.
Well, I'm not
a cooking major.
My field
is business.
Your field
is business, o.K.--
well, if you're innocent,
you'd turn yourself in.
And the nice,
sympathetic cops
will say,
"hey, man,
it's cool.
"There's a corpse
under the window
of your apartment.
"There's a dead man
in your cab.
"Your fingerprints
are on the murder
weapon.
"But since you're
in a very important
contest this week,
"you may go, pinsky,
because we like you,
pinsky."
But, pinsky,
if you're--
Amy. Amy, I've been
on the streets
all my life, see?
And the one thing
I learned is,
cops don't like me.
They don't like me.
Well, let me
help you, then.
O.k.
Tell me
where Courtney is.
She'll help me.
I think you better
just take a walk.
You know what, Amy?
I'm getting tired
of you.
[Scratching]
[Whispering]
What was that?
What was what?
They must have
followed me here.
Who?
I don't know.
It's the box.
They came
to get the box.
Amy, the lights!
Amy, be careful.
Amy, no!
Yaah!
[Sighs]
There's no one
in the hall.
Amy the ripper.
What's in that box,
anyway?
I don't know,
but if I'm going to
get killed for it...
I sure as hell
want to find out.
Yeah.
What do you mean,
"yeah"?
It's got tiny
little holes
in it.
Can you see in?
Amy...
Cut the strap.
[Screeching]
Get it off me!
Aah!
A monkey?
[Chattering]
Everybody's
killing each other
for a monkey?
Oh, he's scared to death.
Poor thing!
You hungry?
What's this,
I wonder.
You want
something to eat?
Are you kidding?
Monkeys don't
eat pizza.
That will
kill him for sure.
Well,
he's eating it.
Man, inside
this box stinks.
"Ivan...
"Skodbodni.
"3 P.M. Saturday.
"Igor zhukov.
"Enclosed
are three injections...
To be used
as sedatives."
[Amy]
Come here,
honey, come here.
"Ivan skodbodni.
3 P.M. Saturday.
Igor zhukov."
Sounds like
Russian names.
Brilliant.
Want to feed him?
He likes mozzarella
and black olives.
Oh, man.
What am I into?
[Laughter]
Somebody's coming.
Oh, it's Courtney!
Damn!
Some guy's with her.
Pinsky, why don't you
call the police?
She's got
some guy with her.
She doesn't
care about you!
Amy, you don't know
what you're talking--aah!
[Screeching]
Amy! What did you
do that for?
Because I don't want
to see you get hurt.
Well, you got
a weird way
of showing it.
Uhh...
Huh?
What are you doing?
Courtney!
Ooh!
Come here.
Come here, honey.
O.k. Come on.
Aahh. Aahh.
[Door opens]
Hi.
You're home
early.
Cut it out.
[Courtney]
Amy, Steve.
Steve, Amy.
Steve has a house
in the country.
I just need
my overnight bag.
Want to see
my bedroom, Steve?
Ha ha ha!
Hmm...
[Thud]
[Man]
That's Daniel pinsky?
It's pathetic.
I can't tell
what his face even looks like.
How are we supposed
to find him
if we don't even know
what he looks like, huh?
Oh, that's lovely.
Lovely work.
My god, Thelma.
Unbelievable.
The camera work
is substandard.
Well, he was
running so fast,
and the day
was so hot.
My eyes were
just stinging away
with perspiration.
Besides...
You know
I have no training
at picture-taking,
darling.
Please don't
call me darling.
I no longer need
a nanny.
Thank you, Thelma.
What kind of camera
did you use--
an X-ray machine?
That
is so droll.
Honey, will you
protect me
from my bloodthirsty
son of a bitch?
Let's just get
one thing straight.
Any criticism
of this operation
emanates from me,
period.
Is that perfectly clear?
[Thelma]
Well, yes,
sweet pea.
Oh, now you
all mad at me...
Just like when you
were a baby.
Now, you just relax.
Don't touch me.
Baby! Honey!
Don't do that!
Julikins.
Thelma, please.
You know nobody
ever touches me.
You also know my name
is not julikins.
I am really
quite distressed
with all of you.
I'm afraid
this little pinsky
may be a problem.
I want him worse
than you do.
Then why don't you use
your brain, Mr. Bock?
Ask questions,
for heaven's sake.
Find out
who his friends are,
where they congregate.
See if he's dating
anyone in particular.
Get him, Mr. Bock...
Before
somebody else does.
All right, now.
Go ahead.
Find pinsky.
He has my monkey.
Shoot. I'm
getting a headache.
Thelma,
get that analyst
on the phone.
What did I do
with my valium?
[Pinsky]
Amy, how could you lock me
up in the closet all night
when I should have
been out there trying
to clear myself?
You're on
the front page.
Oh, man.
See what I mean?
Now I'm a murderer
on the front page.
If you knew what
winning that contest
means to me
and my friends.
Five years,
we've been playing
15-bucks-a-night
club dates
in places like modesto
and redwood city.
Hot dog stand openings,
election rallies,
wakes...
Yeah, wakes.
And you really think
you have a chance to win?
If I don't
get busted.
[Tuning]
[Chattering]
Hey,
what's going on?
I don't know.
Well, why is he
acting like that?
[Chattering]
Maybe he's looking
for a place
to dump that cold pizza
you fed him last night.
Not likely.
He's already done that
several times.
Oh, great!
There goes
my term paper
on the federal
reserve system.
Now you'll get
an "a" on it.
He's just hungry.
That's all.
Oh, my baby just
wanted his breakfast,
didn't he?
Yeah. He did.
[Tuning]
It's
just gibberish.
What did you expect--
Shakespeare?
Hey, you know
your breakfast
is getting cold!
Come on.
Don't you want
to eat something?
Come on.
Eat your tofu
and wheat germ.
Amy...
This ain't
no ordinary monkey.
Hmm.
Hmm!
Ha ha!
That tofu stuff
will kill you.
Ha ha!
And where's
my shirt?
Right behind you.
Don't you remember?
I washed it.
Thank you.
Anytime
the victim's blood
gets on your shirt,
just bring it
on over.
All right, men.
Come on. Arm's length.
Men,
we have a mission.
One of our men
is missing in action.
Pinsky's out there somewhere
in no-man's-land,
cut off from his outfit.
The cops
think he's a killer,
but we know different.
Pinsky's one of us.
[Man clears throat]
Uh-huh.
Sort of.
Men, wherever the battle
takes you today,
look for pinsky,
from the halls
of the cow palace
to the shores
of sausalito.
50 bucks to the driver
who spots--
um, drop that.
Um...
20 bucks to the driver
who spots him first
and radios in.
Arnold...
I want to talk
to you.
Oh...
O.k. Dismissed!
[Charlie]
I think this is
a perfect choice for your wife.
[Telephone rings]
For yourself,
check that out.
Revolutions
are coming back in.
Masquerade.
[Pinsky]
Hello, Charlie.
Pinsky!
Are you o.K.?
Yeah.
Yeah, sure.
Listen.
Did you get my note?
Yeah. I got
your note.
Look. You're in jail,
aren't you, pinsky?
I knew
this would happen.
Don't worry.
We'll get you out.
We'll get
a good lawyer,
and we can do
prison benefits.
No, man.
I'm not
in the cooler.
I'm safe.
Call the guys
and tell them,
o.K.?
Look. Here's
what I'll do.
I'll cancel
the semi-finals.
Charlie, we're not
canceling anything.
We play...Today.
O.k. Look.
I got
a question for you.
How are we going to
get in and out of the building
without being noticed?
You take care
of that.
Do your stuff.
What?
Use the shop,
scout the place.
Oh...
I got you.
[Man]
All right,
Mr. Arnold.
Would you like to
try it one more time?
[Arnold mumbling]
Stand on
your Mark there--
tape right
on the floor.
You ready?
O.k. Roll tape.
And just
go right ahead.
Would you kindly
repeat the question?
Did he ever give you
any indication
he might be
a murderer?
You think
I'd hire anybody
to drive for me
who wasn't an o.K.,
straight guy?
He never gave me
no indication
he could kill anything,
except cabs.
He killed my cabs...
And me.
He's killing me.
Folks...
I run a first-class
operation here--
kourtesy,
komfort, and kuickness.
Just dial 390-9009.
Red & blue's
got a cab for youse.
Pinsky wrote that,
that little pecker.
Cut.
390-9009.
Uh, I told you,
you can't use
that kind
of language
on TV, Mr. Arnold.
Ah, shit.
Mr. Arnold,
would you like us
to write this down
so you can
just read it?
No, no. Let me--
I can get it.
O.k. All right.
Ready? Roll tape.
Just pick up
where you left off.
Oh,
yeah, sure.
Well, would you
turn the camera on?
Turn
the camera on.
Roll 'em.
[Tires screech]
[Ringing]
Hello.
Hello. Amy?
Yeah.
How's the monkey?
Because
I got to pick it up
after the semi-finals.
Well, where
you going now?
Bayshore
and Geneva.
That's where that guy
in my cab--Dr. Stowe--
asked me to take him
before he got it.
Pinsky,
be careful.
Ivan skodbodni.
Igor zhukov.
Oh, man.
Mr. Zhukov.
I think I've got
your monkey.
[Grunting]
Shalom, shalom.
Shalom.
Good to
see you. Shalom.
Shalom.
Shalom.
What if they
recognize you?
We got to take
that chance.
Come on!
This way!
Come on!
Hurry up!
Here.
[Tuning]
♪ Love is why I live ♪
♪ love is why I sing ♪
♪ it's what makes me
wake up and try my wings ♪
♪ ooh ♪ ♪ ooh ♪
♪ what's a song
without music? ♪
♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ ooh ♪
♪ what does
anything mean ♪
♪ without love? ♪
♪ Bittersweet
first breath of air ♪
♪ satin quilts
and tender care ♪
♪ sleep home
with your mamma ♪
♪ free from harm
with your mamma ♪
♪ oh, you lucky one ♪
♪ those days will be gone
in the sunshine of love ♪
♪ meet that other world
out there ♪
♪ where there's
not much love to spare ♪
♪ dreams
drowned in confusion ♪
♪ angry hot disillusion ♪
♪ in a desert of wonders,
searchin' for love ♪
♪ the most precious gift
that life can offer ♪
♪ all I want is love ♪
♪ all I need is love ♪
♪ all it takes
to make life succeed is love ♪
♪ nothing else
really matters ♪
♪ when there's
no one to love... ♪
[Dispatcher]
51, go to 21--
pinsky, you're going to wish
your mamma never had you!
You want me
to report you to the cops?
I'm not being
an accessory to murder
because of you,
you schmuck, you!
Pinsky!
♪ Without love ♪
♪ If your walk
through life began ♪
♪ all alone,
no helping hand ♪
♪ find love, understanding ♪
♪ never take it
for granted ♪
♪ in this jungle of
people hungry for love ♪
♪ the most precious gift
that life can offer ♪
♪ all I want is love ♪
♪ all I need is love ♪
♪ all it takes to make life
succeed is love... ♪
[Tires screech]
Lieutenant,
channel 5.
Can I ask you
a few questions?
♪ Oh, what's a song
without music? ♪
♪ What does anything mean
without love? ♪
♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ ooh ♪
Thank you very much.
Next group, please.
I can't believe it.
We made it.
♪ Love is why I sing ♪
♪ it's what makes me
wake up and try my wings ♪
♪ try my wings ♪
♪ love is... ♪
We knew we had
a stolen cab.
Our officers found it...
...a great deal of time
and difficulty,
but we did it.
Is this man
armed and dangerous?
We don't know, but we're
not taking any chances.
Oh!
Mmm!
♪ It's your duty ♪
♪ to shake your Booty ♪
♪ you came here
to dance ♪
[Singing]
[Over bull horn]
Pinsky,
we know you're in there.
Hmm?
Pinsky, Daniel.
We got the place
surrounded.
Don't try
to get away.
Oh!
♪ Ow! Get up ♪
We'll give you
a count of five to come out.
If you don't,
we're coming in.
A count of five, pinsky.
♪ Ahh! ♪
♪ You know
that you can do it ♪
1...
Hmm.
[Coughs]
♪ Hey,
you sure look tough ♪
♪ oooow! ♪
2...
[Gulp]
♪ Hey, ooh, ahh ♪
♪ ooh, ahh,
hey-ey-ey ♪
♪ ooh, ahh, ooh, ahh,
hey-ey-ey ♪
You o.K.?
3...
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ it's your duty ♪
♪ come on, baby,
let's do it ♪
♪ to shake your Booty ♪
♪ it's your duty... ♪
4...
This is it, pinsky.
Keep
that sidewalk clear.
5...
[Man]
Here he comes.
Stay back! Stay back!
Pinsky, pinsky, pinsky!
What, pinsky?
Where, pinsky?
Minsky!
Red & blue's
got a cab for you.
[High voice]
Oh, that's very nice,
young man.
Whoever wrote that
must be very talented.
I wouldn't
say that, lady.
What can
I do for you?
I said, "what
can I do for you?"
I need a cab, young man.
Yes, yes, I do.
What's your name
and address, ma'am?
I said, "what's
your name and address?"
My name?
My name is, um, uh...
Um, uh...
Emma...emma orr.
Emma orr! Yes.
And what is
your address, Mrs. Orr?
What?
What
is your address?
Hey, shh...
79...
799 Frederick.
All right,
Mrs. Orr.
It will be 20
to 30 minutes.
I don't have
a cab available
right this minute.
Oh, no, no.
That won't do.
Uh, got to hurry,
hurry, hurry!
This is an emergency!
I'm sorry, Mrs. Orr,
but I don't have--
hold it, hold it,
hold it.
I'll pick her up
in my cab.
She's right
in the neighborhood.
Hello, lady.
You're in luck.
We'll have a taxi
right there.
Ohh...that's so nice
of you, young man,
but please
tell your driver
that he got to knock,
knock, knock
because I don't hear
so well.
Will do.
I'll knock on
the door real,
real loud.
Oh, thank you
very much...
Young man.
Oh, shit.
O.k., Joe.
Hit it.
Mmm...
[Knocking]
Mrs. Emma orr!
Red & blue cab.
Mrs. Emma orr!
Red & blue cab.
[Engine revs]
Hey!
Hey, stop!
Pinsky! Pinsky!
Where you going
with my cab?
Pinsky!
Come back!
That's my own
personal cab!
Amy.
Amy!
Excuse me.
I'm a friend.
A friend.
When you need me...
I'll be in touch.
Remember...
[Sneezes]
I'll be in touch.
I'm a friend.
Amy?
Amy,
where are you?
Amy...
Monkey...
Oh, Jesus!
What are you doing?
Hee hee! Got you
real good, huh?
Amy...
I thought something
happened to you.
[Amy]
Why are we here
instead of the circus?
My drummer,
Einstein--
he lives here
with his family.
I'm going to
leave that monkey
with him.
As long as
that monkey's safe,
I'm safe.
Oh, I could
take care of honey.
I could check into
some out-of-the-way hotel,
cut classes.
Damn.
I wish
he'd come home.
Mmm...
Aah!
Grab the monkey!
Get it!
Get it!
Going to try
something, pinsky?
Go ahead.
Try something.
[Thelma]
Come on.
Come on to mamma.
All right.
We're getting out
of the cab now.
You want me to be
a happy man, pinsky?
Make a run for it.
Get out of the car.
Now!
Come on, please.
Oh!
Close the door.
Oh!
[Kissing noises]
Forget it, Thelma.
Get him
to come down.
See what happens
when you pick your pimples?
You're dead,
punk.
Pinsky, get
honey down.
Amy.
He'll come
to you!
Your monkey
loves pinsky.
We'll make
a deal with you.
Amy, you believe this guy?
He's a murderer.
Why don't you just
get honey down now?
Or your girlfriend
gets it first.
♪ Doing, doing ♪
What are you
doing now, pinsky?
♪ Doing ♪
♪ doing, doing ♪
♪ doing, doing,
doing, doing ♪
Uh!
Mm-hmm.
Get in the car.
Get in the car!
Don't push me, man.
Get in the car.
Aah!
My foot!
Ooh!
Come on,
come on!
Yah!
Ooh!
Ooh! Ooh!
My hand.
Come on.
Come to daddy.
Put down the gun.
Don't
shoot daddy.
Ahh!
[Thelma]
The gun!
Amy, wait!
Damn it!
Amy, what
are you doing?
Get in! Get in!
What do you mean,
get in?
Let me shoot him!
[Thelma]
Well, honey...
The night
was so hot,
and the monkey
was so quick.
Don't be mad
at me.
Mad? Why, you haven't
seen anything yet, miss Thelma.
Sure, I was born
with everything,
but I was left
with no new worlds to conquer...
Until now.
This precious vintage
Mueller wine--
we're all going to
drink it together...
When that monkey
is mine.
Woo! Thelma,
you touched.
♪ Dance, dance, dance
all night ♪
Your move,
Mr. Pinsky.
Your move.
[Music playing]
Eat, monkey! Eat!
Look, monkey,
I don't understand
one word
of monkey talk.
I wonder how Tarzan
made cheetah eat.
We're sorry about having
to leave the monkey
with you, Katie,
but there seems to be
no other safe place.
Amy, you're looking
to steal pinsky away
from me, aren't you?
How do you plead?
Guilty as hell.
Oh, it's settled.
Going with pinsky
is like doing
hard time, sister.
Coming?
Bye, Katie.
Oh, Daniel.
I almost forgot.
Your musician
friend called
late last night.
Yeah, Charlie.
He said that
your group was in
the finals of
some contest.
I knew you'd
make it.
Oh, you did?
Yeah.
I'm not going to
make nothing
if I don't talk
to Ivan skodbodni.
Come on.
[Katie]
Oh, when are the finals?
Tomorrow night.
[Record skipping]
[Elephant trumpeting
and band playing]
Ladies and gentlemen...
All right.
[Monkey screeching]
♪ Doing, doing, doing,
doing, doing, doing ♪
What do you want
in this place?
Who are you?
How did you
get here, my friend?
This area is only
for circus personnel.
I know you.
You're Igor zhukov.
I confess.
I am zhukov.
How may I be
of service to you?
I'm looking for
Ivan skodbodni.
There is no one
in this circus
named
Ivan skodbodni.
No?
No.
[Horse whinnies]
Mr. Zhukov,
those monkeys.
Are those
your monkeys?
So many questions!
What is your name,
my son?
Pine. Irving pine.
How do you do?
How do you do,
Mr. Pine?
And this is Gregor.
Hey, Gregor.
And, yes,
those are my monkeys.
Mr. Zhukov, I think
I might have
something that
belongs to you.
[Zhukov]
Please sit down,
Irving.
I found the monkey
in a kind of box,
and inside the box,
there was this note.
Your name
and Ivan skodbodni's
was on that note.
Remarkable.
Tell me, Irving.
Where is this
monkey of yours?
It's in a safe place.
Look, man,
if you can't help me,
I want to speak
to Ivan skodbodni.
Now, I know he's here.
Irving,
how can I help you
if you won't
answer my questions?
I'm in a lot of trouble
because of this monkey!
If I take the monkey
and the note to the cops,
you're going
to be involved, too.
I was kind of hoping
that we could
work something out.
First you help me
clear myself,
and then I'll
give you the monkey.
Right.
[Zhukov]
Sit down...
Pinsky.
I have to go
and do my act now.
When I return,
you will tell me
where the monkey is.
Oh.
Gregor is very strong
and very quick.
Well, there's no real reason
for me to stick around.
I hope I run into you
again someday
while you're walking
and I'm driving my cab.
[Speaking Russian]
Hey, that's cool.
[Drums playing]
And now, ladies
and gentlemen,
our marvelous Soviet
red star circus
grand finale!
[Band plays and crowd cheers]
You're one big
ugly dude.
Da.
Oh, man.
So you're pretty
quick, huh?
Da.
Keep your eye
on the orange.
Good hands.
[Speaking Russian]
[Mimicking Gregor]
[Speaking Russian]
[Mimicking Gregor]
Hmm?
Uhh...
Uhh...
[Gregor yelling
in Russian]
Unh!
[Horse whinnies]
[Speaking Russian]
[Horse whinnies]
[Woman]
Whoa!
Lookit! Did you see that?
Ugh!
Aha!
Aah!
[Trumpets]
Ugh!
All right, Gregor! Get him!
Get him!
Arggh!
[Speaking Russian]
Whoa!
Aah!
Pinsky!
Arggh!
[Zhurkov]
Pinsky!
The monkey
is mine!
Arggh!
[Trumpets]
Ladies and gentlemen,
please calm down!
Please!
Will you please direct
your attention
to our giant
Asian elephants
and their legendary trainer,
Igor zhukov.
[Pinsky]
All right.
Hey, big foot!
Don't look down.
Ohh.
Ohh!
Arggh!
Ugh!
Whoa!
Aah!
[Thud]
[Ah-choo]
You! Hey!
Oh, man, am I glad
to see you!
Wait a minute.
Huh?
Oh!
[Ah-choo]
I'm with you, Daniel.
Everything's
going to be o.K.
[Amy]
Damn!
Pinsky!
Where are you?
[Gasp]
[Car won't start]
[Car starts]
Taxi?
My, my,
how lovely we look
after our bath,
Mr. Pinsky.
Sit down, won't you?
Can I offer you
something to drink?
A lovely glass
of wine, perhaps?
No?
Chocolate milk?
How is your head?
It's great.
'Cause you and I
are going to have
a little chat,
and I would
like you to be
as clearheaded
as possible.
Where is my monkey,
Mr. Pinsky?
Look, man,
I'm not telling you
another thing
until you tell me
who the hell you are
and why you want
the monkey!
There's really no need
to threaten, Mr. Pinsky.
My name is Mueller.
And I'm in the process
of executing a plan
that will eternally,
indelibly, immortally
burn my name right alongside
the giants of history.
You've got
one hell of a plan
if you
can't make it work
without a monkey.
It's a perfect plan,
Mr. Pinsky.
It's an exquisitely
perfect plan.
There are many
computers like this one
all over the world,
each one programmed
exactly the same.
Everything ever published
in the field
of nuclear physics
you'll find right
in here.
One such computer's
in Moscow.
Another was
at Dr. Stowe's disposal
at the university.
Dr. Stowe, poor thing.
Brilliant physicist,
stupid man.
I was his best student.
I duplicated this computer
all by myself.
Uh, actually, I've been
building things like this
ever since I was a...
Little baby.
That's
really sweet.
Last year, Dr. Stowe perfected
the most magnificent formula
for the United States
government--
how to quickly
and cheaply convert
nuclear waste
into weapons-grade
plutonium.
Unfortunately,
Dr. Stowe wanted
to share
this information
with the Russians also
so that no one nation
could become too powerful.
Lame idea.
The FBI found out
his intentions,
and they began watching him.
They interviewed me,
asked me if I'd watch him.
I watched him.
That's when I
thought up my plan.
Dr. Stowe
taught his formula
to a monkey?
Precisely.
So if you get
the monkey...
I'll be able to take
cheap, easily acquired
nuclear waste
and build my own
weapons-grade plutonium.
Actually, I already have
a warehouse full of rockets
just like this one.
I bought them from
the Costa Ricans.
They got theirs
from the Ethiopians.
The Ethiopians bought
theirs from the Cubans.
The Cubans got theirs
from the Russians.
The Russians won theirs
in the Irish sweepstakes.
[Snort]
Ha ha ha!
Hello. Mr. President.
Yeah, uh, statue of Liberty--
in 5 seconds,
my very own, rather small
nuclear-tipped rocket
will destroy the beacon
in her right hand.
Whoosh! Boom!
Oh, my dear.
Terribly sorry, Mr. President.
Seems miss Liberty's
entire right arm...
Oh, my goodness.
Part of that right breast, too.
Now, naturally, I could hold
entire cities for ransom.
[Telephone beeping]
Cities, not titties.
Uh, you know.
New York, uh...
San Francisco,
Washington.
But, uh, what the hey.
All you really have to do
to save your nation,
Mr. President,
is fork over, say, 5--
ehh, make it
15 billion, uh, bananas...
Artichokes...
Uh, dollars.
50 billion anything.
Doesn't really matter.
I'm not
impressed.
Mr. Pinsky,
join up with me,
and I'll see that
all your wildest
dreams come true.
I'll see that all my
wildest dreams come true.
And let me tell you
something
that might save you
a lot of time.
You can't blackmail
an entire nation.
Arabs do it with oil.
Brazilians do it
with coffee.
No. You've lost,
Mr. Pinsky.
I'm the winner.
Now, join up with me
before it's too late.
Where is my monkey?
I'm not telling you
anything,
and I don't care
what you do to me.
What makes you think
I'm going to do
anything you?
You little nothing.
You little nit.
All right.
Make yourselves
comfortable.
Oh, by the way,
tomorrow you'll talk,
or you'll die.
[Door slams]
Daniel.
Would it help any
if I said...
What?
Well, you got a hell
of a way with words.
Roll over.
Why?
I'll try and untie
your ropes.
There's no way
we're going to get
out of this room.
Well, escape
isn't exactly
what I had in mind.
Oh, yeah?
It's crazy.
Yeah.
Let's be crazy.
Far out.
Uh-huh.
[Horn honking]
We've
got company.
Company?
[Katie]
What's wrong?
Won't this damn thing
go any faster?
Ma, the sun's
in my eyes,
the road's dusty,
and I can't see
where I'm going!
You drive better
that way.
Come on! Faster!
I'm leading
this attack, ma!
The left flank's
getting sloppy,
Fred,
and the rear guard
back there--
let's close it up.
Let's do this
by the book, men.
Book! Huh!
My Fanny.
Slightly better,
Arnold.
Thanks, ma.
Mickey, come on.
Now, be careful.
This could be
a big one.
All right, Jimmy.
Let's go.
Now, hold it
a minute.
Uh! Ooh!
Punk.
You guys
go on inside.
I'm going
around the back.
This is too much.
My comput--
my comput--
if that little boy
puts one finger on my machine,
I don't know what
I'm going to do.
Pinsky!
Oh, kind and loving
sweet virgin Mary...
Holy mother of god...
Get out here,
you son of a bitch!
You pig!
Pinsky!
[Pinsky]
Arnold?
Pinsky!
Arnold!
These people
hurt you?
No? Then I'm going
to kill you.
Where's my fares
and my cab?
I'm the one
who drove it here.
Arnold, Amy.
Amy, Arnold.
I hope he don't treat you
like he treats my cabs.
He won't.
Oh, Arnold!
Enough of that!
Come on!
Lead the way,
little lady.
Isn't he great?
[Katie]
Get him!
Behind you!
Bring him over here!
Ooh!
Oh, my god!
Aah!
Ugh!
My computer...
Nobody ever touches
my computer.
Look, Daniel.
Um...
Could I just
talk to you
for one minute--
don't!
Don't you dare!
Hello,
Mr. President?
There's been
a change in plans.
Ah!
Uh! Uh!
Aah!
Amy, where
are you going?
Across the farm!
Come on!
If you're
going to go, go!
Let's go! Move it!
You all right?
Yeah,
I'm all right.
You better have
my money.
What about Katie?
Is Katie all right?
Katie's all right.
She's around here
somewhere.
Here? Well, what did she do
with the monkey?
Screw the monkey!
What do you mean?
Where's
my money?
No. I got to know
about the monkey!
Some guy
stole the monkey.
Some fat Russian
commie took it.
Amy, get in.
[Engine starts]
Hey! Come back!
Where you going
with my cab?
Oh, not again!
Damn! Zhukov's
got the monkey!
We got
to find him,
or I'll never
clear myself.
[Amy]
Damn. The circus
was here yesterday.
[Pinsky]
Ivan skodbodni,
3 P.M., Saturday.
Ivan skodbodni,
3 P.M., Saturday.
That's today.
I know that.
What does Ivan skodbodni
do at 3 P.M., Saturday?
Why don't we
just find out
what town
the circus
goes to next?
Pinsky, this
is impossible.
Let's just go
to the police.
What did you say?
This
is impossible.
Let's just go
to the police.
No, no, no.
Where the circus
goes next?
It goes nowhere...
Not with
a hot monkey.
Ivan skodbodni,
3 P.M., Saturday.
Oh, come on.
3 P.M., Saturday.
Oh, come on.
Uh...
Uh!
Oh, man.
Ivan skodbodni,
3 P.M., Saturday.
It sails
back to Russia.
Come on.
[Elephant trumpeting]
Pinsky...
[Muttering]
O.k.
[Muttering]
Pinsky!
[Muttering]
There!
[Whistling]
Hide!
Back in here!
[Whistling]
Come on, come on.
Come here.
Come on.
Do it!
Come on!
Do it!
Come on!
♪ Doing, doing,
doing, doing ♪
Come here,
honey.
♪ Doing, doing,
doing, doing ♪
♪ doing, doing ♪
♪ doing, doing,
doing, doing ♪
♪ doing, doing ♪
♪ doing, doing,
doing, doing ♪
♪ doing, doing ♪
♪ doing, doing,
doing, doing ♪
Pinsky,
there he is.
Honey.
Got to be
the small key.
It's o.K.,
baby.
♪ Doing, doing,
doing, doing, doing ♪
Come on. Let's go.
[Man speaking Russian]
Somebody's coming!
Hmm!
Uh!
[Growling]
[Man speaking Russian]
Up here!
Fast! Come on!
[Muttering]
We're going to have to
make a run for it.
No need to run,
pinsky.
You may walk,
but first,
the monkey, if you please.
Amy, let's go!
Here.
Take my hand.
This way.
Come on!
Come on!
Give me your hand!
[Amy]
Go, go!
Comrades,
get them!
I don't believe it.
I don't believe it!
Take it easy,
Mr. Pinsky.
My name is Davis.
I'm with the FBI.
[Pinsky]
FBI?
All right.
All right.
Listen.
She didn't do
anything, o.K.?
Well,
neither did you,
Mr. Pinsky.
We know
everything.
I've been chasing
you for days,
trying to tell you
that you're free.
You're
free and clear.
I'm free?
Thank you.
Thank you
very much.
Thank you very much,
young lady.
Huh.
Well, the local
constabulary--
come on, darling.
The local
constabulary
may have
something to say
about the 78
parking tickets,
but you're all clear
with uncle Sam.
You've been chasing me
for days,
trying to tell me
that I'm free?
Ha ha! Don't try
anything funny,
comrade.
[Pinsky]
You know, you ought to
arrest that guy.
Now, you're
right, Daniel,
but they'd
just arrest
an American tourist
in Moscow,
and we'd
have to trade.
No. All we want
out of this deal
is this hairy
little fellow
right here.
What are you going
to do with the monkey?
Oh, he won't
suffer.
What
do you mean?
Well,
we'll just, uh,
put him to sleep.
Oh. You're
going to kill him.
Well,
it's national
security.
He knows
too much.
Huh.
♪ Doing, doing, doing ♪
Hey!
Look, pinsky.
That monkey's
under arrest.
He's
my prisoner.
This is
a Soviet ship.
That monkey belongs
to my government!
Hand him over.
Amy!
Hey, take it easy,
young lady.
Careful.
Just calm down.
[Zhukov]
Be very careful.
Give me the monkey.
[Davis]
Don't do anything
foolish, young lady.
Don't get excited.
Please be calm.
Just relax.
[Muttering]
Young lady...
I appeal to you.
Don't listen to him.
Think of your country.
Why think about
your country, my dear?
It does not think
about you.
Don't take
another step,
or I'll drop him.
That's o.K.
It's only a misdemeanor
to drown a monkey.
[Muttering]
O.k.
Just loosen up.
Just loosen up.
How can you even
contemplate
persecuting
a poor, helpless,
downtrodden creature
like that monkey?
Misdemeanor?
Downtrodden creature?
Oh, you're both
such big phonies!
Loosen up.
Uh, o.K.
O.k.
You want to kill the monkey
so you can blow up the world,
and you want to save the monkey
so you can blow up the world.
Well, you're not
going to exploit
this poor, innocent
little baby anymore.
[Monkey whimpers]
Save it.
Save it!
Hurry, comrades.
Hurry!
Save it!
Save it!
Hey, don't just
stand there.
You make sure
that damn thing
is drowned
and bring me
the evidence.
Hey, quiet, you.
Just be quiet.
Pinsky,
the finals.
Damn!
Lulu...
Oh, Lulu.
What?
How come you won't
go out with me?
Well, Ronnie,
you see...
It's like this...
♪ You're out of touch ♪
♪ you talk too much ♪
♪ you bend my ear ♪
♪ you're not my type ♪
♪ you're impolite ♪
♪ you're not Sincere ♪
♪ you're out of line ♪
♪ you waste my time ♪
♪ you smell like beer ♪
♪ you're underweight ♪
♪ you deviate ♪
♪ get outta here! ♪
♪ And that's why ♪
♪ I don't like you ♪
♪ and that's why ♪
♪ I won't kiss you ♪
♪ and that's why ♪
♪ I don't want you
around ♪
♪ and that's why ♪
♪ I don't love you ♪
♪ and that's why ♪
♪ I won't miss you... ♪
♪ I don't want you
around ♪
[Cheering]
♪ And that's why ♪
♪ I don't like you ♪
♪ and that's why ♪
♪ I won't kiss you ♪
♪ and that's why ♪
♪ I don't want you
around ♪
♪ and that's why ♪
♪ I don't love you ♪
♪ and that's why ♪
♪ I won't miss you ♪
♪ and that's why ♪
♪ I don't want you
around ♪
♪ hey, I don't want you
around ♪
♪ no! Don't want you
around ♪
[Cheering]
And now,
here are the finalists
in the Warner records
musical group competition--
rush hour!
♪ Time to go ♪
♪ I'm gonna
hit the highway ♪
♪ time to leave ♪
♪ the dawn's comin' on ♪
♪ packed my bags ♪
♪ I said my good-byes ♪
♪ gonna break my bread ♪
♪ up the road ahead ♪
♪ there's a place
that I'm lookin' for ♪
♪ ocean blue
and summer green ♪
♪ where I wandered
once before ♪
♪ on the far side
of a dream ♪
♪ hurry on ♪
♪ on to the next horizon ♪
♪ race the clouds ♪
♪ and run
with the sun ♪
♪ I got to get all the way
to the mountaintop ♪
♪ I got a date somewhere ♪
♪ in those clouds
up there ♪
♪ there's a place
that I'm lookin' for ♪
♪ ocean blue
and summer green ♪
♪ where I wandered
once before ♪
♪ on the far side
of a dream ♪
♪ there's a place
that I'm lookin' for ♪
♪ ocean blue
and summer green ♪
♪ where I wandered
once before ♪
♪ on the far side
of a dream ♪
[Cheering and applause]
Aargh!
[Girls screaming]
Everybody...
Uh! Uh!
Uh!
Everybody...
There's somebody
I want you to meet.
He's a really good
friend of mine.
His name is Mueller.
Here. Put a spot
on him.
It's good to see you
again, Julius.
Thanks for dropping by.
Ha ha! Mueller...
Has a big surprise
for everybody.
Hidden
all over his body,
he has tickets
for everybody
to the next...
Kiss concert!
[Screaming]
Come and get 'em!
No! Don't
you touch me!
No! No!
Don't!
Don't touch me!
No! No!
Don't touch me!
Don't! Don't!
Nobody
ever touches me!
♪ Bittersweet
first breath of air... ♪
Taxi?
♪ ...tender care ♪
Where to?
Anywhere.
Anywhere?
You got it.
♪ Meet that other world
out there ♪
♪ where there's
not much love to spare ♪
♪ dreams
drown in confusion ♪
♪ angry hot disillusion ♪
♪ in a desert of people
hungry for love ♪
♪ the most precious gift
that life can offer ♪
♪ all I want is love ♪
♪ all I need is love ♪
♪ all it takes
to make life succeed is love ♪
♪ nothing else
really matters ♪
♪ when there's
no one to love ♪
♪ love is why I live ♪
♪ love is why I sing ♪
♪ it's what makes me
wake up and try my wings ♪
♪ what's a song
without music? ♪
♪ What does
anything mean ♪
♪ without love? ♪
♪ Love, lo-o-ve ♪
♪ love, lo-o-ove ♪
♪ love ♪
♪ if your walk
through life began ♪
♪ all alone,
no helping hand ♪
♪ find love,
understanding ♪
♪ never take it
for granted ♪
♪ in this jungle of people
hungry for love ♪
♪ the most precious gift
that life can offer ♪
♪ all I want is love ♪
♪ all I need is love ♪
♪ all it takes
to make life succeed is love ♪
♪ love is why I live ♪
♪ love is why I sing ♪
♪ it's what makes me
wake up and try my wings ♪
♪ all I want is love ♪
♪ all I need is love ♪
♪ all it takes to make life
succeed is love... ♪
Captioning performed by
the national captioning
institute, inc.
Captions copyright 1995
Warner Bros.