Die Hochzeit (2020) - full transcript

THE WEDDING

You two are so annoying!
You're not right in the head.

It's 6 a.m.
and I have a maths test at 10!

You behave like two teenagers.
Two idiot teenagers!

Like two nerds who have

nothing better to do
than slurp at each other.

So you each found the love of your life.
So what?

Don't rub it in our faces.

From now on, revel in your love quietly,
out of the public eye.

And no more absurd dancing! Okay?

Got it?



Morning!

Don't leave your crap lying around.

-They're not mine.
-So these are Olli's, are they?

I have other problems, okay?

It's so sweet, you buy all the gear
before starting something.

-How can I run without it?
-You're right.

That'd be too simple.

-You don't want a fat, old husband.
-But I already have a fat, old husband.

Just kidding! Kidding!

-We all get old and fat one day.
-You, maybe.

Tell your daughter
our kitchen isn't a wardrobe.

Of course, my love.

Mom says the kitchen isn't a wardrobe.

Tell it to her.



-Mom says the kitchen isn't a wardrobe.
-Tell the parking meter.

-Parking meter?
-Oh, God!

So, now you know.

-Seen my heart rate monitor?
-Why do you need one?

-Athletes monitor their heart rate.
-Yeah, I get that.

-But why do you? You don't have a pulse.
-Very funny.

Oh, for pills against puberty!
I'd put them in your muesli.

Heart failure is the leading
cause of death among the elderly.

Who you calling elderly?
I'm not even 50 yet!

-What's wrong?
-Nothing.

-Lenny dumped her.
-Shut it!

-It's true.
-What?

Oh, Sarah!

-Did he break up with you?
-Via WhatsApp!

-Not even a voice message.
-Not even a voice message?

Have you all gone crazy?

I had planned a fishing trip
this weekend!

I bought a tent for you, me and Lenny.

I don't understand!

Things were great between us.

Got to go.

Now we know why he broke up with you.

At the last meeting
I gave you both some homework to do.

I did all of it. I totally...
rediscovered my wife's body.

It helps when you know what to look for.

The main problem
is he's always discontent.

I can't help my life being shitty!

-You're shouting again.
-I'm not!

-Andreas.
- I know.

Deep breaths.

-What about you get rid of the gum?
-Why?

Because it's extremely impolite.

-Happy?
-Think it was easy for me?

Coming back after our separation
to try again?

I wonder if it was
the biggest mistake of my life.

-I'm your biggest mistake?
-You're not listening.

You had an orgasm! Just two days ago!

I had a cramp in my back!

A cramp?

It seems like our sessions here
have paid nicely for your pension plan.

-You could say something constructive!
-Yeah.

-Here.
-What's that? A bonus card?

Free sessions from the third marriage?

It's the business card
of a very good mediator.

That's for people who've given up hope!

Precisely. He really is very good.

There must be easier ways to die.

-How are wedding preparations?
-Linda's trying on dresses.

-Tanja sold hers on eBay.
-Hey, you tried. It didn't work out.

But screwing up doesn't feel right.

You both screwed up.
Now you're both free.

-You can start all over again.
-Right.

My mom was the happiest I've seen her
the day my dad died.

What did he die of?

Mom backed out of the garage.
Didn't see him.

You're Tommy Schilling, aren't you?

Can I get an autograph?

-We're jogging.
-It'll be quick. Wife, pen.

Quick!

-For Wulfgang, please.
-Wulfgang or Wolfgang?

Wulfgang, with "O", like Wulfgang Petry.
The guy with the bracelets.

Oh, brilliant. Thanks!
Have a good one.

My record label.
The reviews of my new album are out.

Okay, Danny-boy,
let's hear the rave reviews!

There's not one good review.

It's a carnage.

They're shredding you.
You're paying for your success.

Do me a favor. Don't read that crap.

Get over here!

-Well?
-Yeah...

It's... okay?

Okay?

Nobody wants to look "okay"
on their wedding day.

I may as well wear a track suit.

That dress bunches out weirdly.

Only in the middle here.

Is it too much to ask
to be gorgeous for just one day?

Then you should have married
ten years ago.

My dear Linda!

This gift

welcomes you to our family.

Thank you.

That deadbeat, that sissy,

that knobhead!

I'll fire that pansy.
That tosspot!

-Who are you talking about?
-You, you twong.

I play arenas.
My face is on buses.

-Why don't they like me now?
-Tommy!

You used to make people
get up and dance.

- Warned you about the chilled stuff.
-I moved on.

-Okay?
-That's exactly what people can't stand.

Tiger Dre, the rapper,
made a lovely album.

Kids' songs. Heard of it?

-No.
-You see?

Tiger Dre! Maybe it'll sell better
when I go on tour again.

Yeah, speaking about the tour...

Tickets aren't selling?

-Maybe we should stick to small venues.
-What do you mean, small?

Know the civic center
in Bad Soden-Allendorf?

It's disabled accessible.
With full seating.

Don't look so gloomy.
A few autograph sessions will help.

-I've had requests from malls.
-Malls?

Malls.

-Take me home.
-Where's my wedding invitation?

-Get going. I have other problems.
-Can I bring my little girl?

-Beautiful!
-Well, I'm not so sure.

It almost suits you
more than it suited me.

When my groom saw me wearing that,
he shed tears of joy.

Or he just shed tears.

-We should get rid of it.
-It's probably hazardous waste.

We must get her orthopedic shoes.

Or no one will see her.

-Listen...
-Mom!

Birgit, it's kind of you...

I had it dyed especially.

Virginal white at your age!
We don't want guests to start laughing.

-Let's get you out of this.
-Good idea.

-It won't budge. Hold your tummy in.
-Yes!

-Give us a twirl.
-Yeah.

Like I said: beautiful!

Like a North Korean military parade!

There's surely asbestos in this thing.

There's no asbestos!

I'm going to have tea.
Or a gin and tonic. That'd be better.

Can you bring me one too?

I hold out my hand to you

The ground beneath your feet dissolves

An abyss before us, what do we do?

Everything we knew is gone

I'm clinging to the edge,
hold tight to me

I'll pull us out, hold tight to me

Beatbox!

-Beatbox?
-Beatbox.

- I can't do beatbox.
-Do it!

What?

Can you do any better?

Where did you learn that?

Can you play guitar better than me too?

No, but I can do this.

Tickle!

-What's wrong with you?
-Sorry. I thought...

What?

It's okay
to kiss your girlfriend's best friend?

- I broke up with Sarah.
-What? Why?

Did you screw up?

-You've got someone else?
-It depends.

It depends?
What does it depend on?

Stop looking sad and start talking.

I need some information.

I'm...

No, no, no. You can't be serious.

Lili, I...

Lili?

Sarah, I didn't...

-No, you shut up now. Sarah!
-Lili... Lili!

Sarah, wait!

Shit!

-You okay?
-Just the ugly lanterns.

-Lanterns?
-Housewarming gift from your mom.

-Hallelujah!
- I can stop hanging them when she comes.

What...
What are you doing in here?

-Calming down.
-From what?

-Your mom.
-What happened?

How is your new album going?

-It flopped.
-Oh, no! Tommy!

Everyone hates it.

-Not everyone. I think it's great.
-You think everything I do is great.

-I wouldn't go that far.
- I think everything about you is great.

That's a different matter.
I cannot be faulted.

-Well...
-What do you mean?

Well, I have to say, looking at you,
your taste in wedding dresses is crappy.

-This was your mother's!
-No way!

Yes, she forced me to try it on!

-Hey, Jette!
-Hey, Andi!

I inherited 62 million.

62 million? From whom?

-From a Nigerian prince.
-A Nigerian prince?

62 million?

-Yes!
-From a Nigerian prince?

Nils? Can you come?

-I'm in the shower.
-Doesn't matter.

-You don't want to miss this.
-I've come into money!

Yeah, but look, Andi.

-You have to pay a 2,000 euro fee.
-I'll pay that happily for 62 million.

-That's a great rate of return!
-Keep your 2,000 euros.

-It's the oldest trick in the book.
-I've told Tanja.

-Why?
- I wanted to vex her.

-I'll be off then.
-Why?

-You just arrived.
-I'm going speed dating.

I'll have 24 dates in two hours.

-There'll be someone for me.
-Isn't that too early?

-You're in the middle of a divorce.
-Look, I made a few notes.

I did a little...

Damn, 62 million!
You win some, you lose some.

-Your mom's skin condition?
-Should I mention it right away?

No. I'd keep that one for later.

I'll go right to her funeral.
It is speed dating.

-For instance.
-We'll be off then.

-Nina! Good to see you again.
-Hello.

-Say hi to your parents.
-Especially to your mom.

I'll do that. Mr Boedecker?

-Yes?
-Could I have my scarf back?

Of course.

-Here.
-Thanks.

Hey!

Those are my notes, dude!

You two have fun!

Bye, Nina!

I'm coming!

SONY MUSIC
NEW REVIEW

-What is it?
-Milli Vanilli meets Richard Clayderman.

-I'll smash his face.
-What matters is you like it.

Forget mean reviews. Carry on.

-They're executions, not reviews.
-Want to watch TV?

No, I want to know why a few idiots
think they have the right

to decide
what is good music and what's bad.

SCHILLING'S ALBUM IS A DISASTER

Listen.

"Three years after his last hit,

the aging DJ
dug deep into the cliché drawer

with his corny new record
and didn't find his way out.”

You're googling down there?

Yeah, but the reception's not great.

You're so... You're...!

-Hey, you didn't come!
-Yeah! How would I?

Lucky in love, less so in his work.

Shortly before his dream wedding,

Schilling has released
his worst album yet.

What?

Maybe the notorious womanizer gave up
his talent when he gave up his heart.

I'll kill myself!

So, welcome
to our speed dating evening!

It's good to see you.

Here, everyone will find the partner

they are looking for.

Here, every pan finds its lid.

On the tables are emergency buttons
in case the chemistry is really off.

But that's never happened.
No one has ever been that frantic.

Okay, go ahead.

Ah, table number five. Hi.

I'm Andi.

You look pretty young.

-How old are you?
-25.

You're 25! What a coincidence!

Me too. Twice over!

Twice over.

Well, I don't need someone
with a sense of humor.

So...

What gets you hot, then?

-That's sweet of you. Thanks.
-My pleasure.

Didn't I see you at the airport?

-At the airport? Why?
-Well, I'm a pilot.

-Really? You're a pilot?
-Yeah.

In the cockpit of a twin-engine machine.

What's going on?

-Something wrong?
-Ferret.

-Sorry?
-You look like a ferret.

Excuse me?

I had a ferret once. It really stank.

-But after castration it was nice.
-This is a nightmare.

-Soon I'll wake up.
-He was called Elvis.

After my first boyfriend,
not the singer.

-You really look a lot like him.
-Like Elvis?

No, my ferret.

Fancy a little fuck with me?

Looks like you're made for each other.

-Here you go.
-Thank you.

-Here you go.
-Thank you.

I hope you find the partner you want.

Excuse me. This list has 24 women.

-None of them wants to see me again?
-That is correct.

Yeah, but that's...

a mathematical impossibility.

I don't think it has
much to do with mathematics.

Maybe you put the groups together wrong?

My face can't be that bad, can it?

I am relatively decent looking. Right?

True beauty... comes from inside.

What is it? Am I too old?

Or too short?

Or too boring?

Or am I... a hopeless case?

We hope that one day
love gives you the chance

that you deserve.

If you say so.

I'll tell the guys you'll be a bit late.

Will do. Will do.

Who was that?

Torben.

He's going to be late. As always.

Although I sent the invitations
two weeks ago.

He sends his love.

Torben will be there too?

He had to get out of the house.

He's fighting with Marlene. Again.

-Fighting?
-He can't keep it in his pants.

-What do you mean?
-He's been at it again.

With some desperate housewife.
You know him.

-Desperate housewife?
-The same type.

The ones who fall for his lines.

How do you know?

Torben told Andi.
Andi told everyone else.

Everyone else?

You smudged a bit.

-Nils, I think we have to talk.
-Oh, sweetie!

You know I like talking to you.
But I have to go now.

Fuck!

Yes, baby!

You beast!

Torben!

-Can we take a selfie, Tommy? Please?
-Okay.

-Like the old days. Good to see you.
-You too, Torben. Looking good.

-There you go. Good?
-Yeah, thanks.

-You haven't changed.
-Charmer!

-Everything okay again with Jette?
-Again?

-Did I say "again"?
-Yes.

-I meant, everything okay with Jette?
-Yes, thanks.

Loser!

Torben!

Things aren't going great for you?

-What do you mean?
-The shitty reviews, the album flopped.

-The tour cancelled.
-Thanks, I'd almost forgotten.

Unlucky with your bowling.
But don't worry.

Everything will be fine. Look at this.

Gitte Hein.

Would she rather hear
the Flippers do acapella?

-Ouch!
-Who's Gitte Hein?

-A music blogger.
-The music blogger!

And... an old family friend.

You know how it is. If Gitte says
your new stuff is hot shit, then...

-Why would she do that?
-Well...

Tommy could rediscover his old charm.

She's single. What do you say?

Torben, Tommy isn't a whore.

All artists are whores.

-He's almost married!
-Right.

Exactly. "Almost."

-Sorry. I'm not going to do that.
-What a shame. For your career.

Perfect timing! We can drink
to your wedding and my divorce.

-Tanja, I'm so sorry.
-It's okay.

Andreas and I gave it a try,
but after a week it was going nowhere.

We didn't talk to each other.
Or even hug.

We hadn't realized
there was nothing to be salvaged.

-Jette, sweetie!
-It's all so terribly sad!

Are you crying
about Tanja's marriage, or...?

I slept with Torben!

She slept with Torben?

-You're not the type to stray.
- I know!

-Tanja is the type to stray.
-Right!

Nils was being so awful back then.

We were fighting the whole time.

I'm talking about your daughter

and all you think about is your shitty
speech at your shitty class reunion!

-That no fucker wants to attend!
-My shitty speech?

-Then I hung up.
-Did he call back?

-No!
-They never call back!

Though it's quite simple. If I hang up,
he's supposed to call back.

Why can we never get men
to understand that?

-As always when I'm not doing well, I...
-Went out for pizza.

Salami with fried eggs?

-Hey.
-Hey, Jette!

What's wrong? You look so sad again.

Fighting with Nils again?

Pizza with salami and fried eggs,
as usual?

I'll make that for you, yeah?

With fried eggs. But with amore!

Thanks.

Won't be long.

-Hey, Jette!
-Torben!

Oh, dear! You've been crying!

-Bad day?
-I'm fine.

-Just something in my eye.
-Show me.

No, there's nothing there.

Except beautiful green eyes.

I've never seen you here,
are you here often?

I get a pizza here
when I'm not doing well.

It's the best pizza in the whole city.

It's probably not so bad, but...

I have eye drops back at home.

"I have eye drops back at home"?

You're not serious? How bad is that!

But he said it so nicely.

I slept with a man who isn't my husband,
and the worst thing...

-It was really nice.
-I know that feeling.

-So nice it was awful.
-That too.

-I'm a slut!
-No, you're not a slut.

You're a victim of circumstance.

-Did you say that to Andreas?
-No. Never mind.

What happened happened.
You were just getting a little comfort.

One-night stands can bring...
a little bounce back to your marriage.

This isn't the Middle Ages,
when whores like you

were tortured to death.

-That's not very helpful.
-Oh, sorry.

I've tried to tell him
so many times, but then...

I backed out.

Good. You just keep it that way.

I fucked our therapist.

If I hadn't told Andreas,
we'd be happily married.

-Well, we'd be married.
-Take Torben to the grave with you.

And never let him out.

Hey, Nille. Last at breakfast
and first at the bar.

-Four vodkas, please.
-Sure.

Torben, we have to talk.

Look me in the eye
and tell me what you were thinking.

Oh, shit...

Shit, Nille, I know...

That was a horrible thing to do.
You don't do that to a friend.

And if I had known that you...

I'm sorry. You have to believe me.

I'm really, really sorry.

Good.

That was bad behavior, even for you.

Making Tommy nervous before his wedding!

You know how long he took
to even propose.

I just wanted to help Tommy out.
I thought that's what friends are for.

Here you go.

-Thanks.
-No, no.

-It's on me. How much?
- I was first.

-It's 20.
-I'll get his too.

Fifty, then.

-Keep the change.
-Very generous!

-Nice!
-It's just the way I am.

Listen, did you get me wrong?

-Sorry?
- I told you I'm not interested.

-Forgotten to take your meds?
-You flirted with me.

-Not that I noticed.
-You undressed me with your eyes!

I think I'd know.

Listen, I'm not interested.

I'm done with women!

I'd say that's a piece of good news
for women in general.

Senorita, this here

is off limits for your kind.

A no-go area.
An area no vamos!

Are you totally drunk?

Hey, ferret-boy!

I think I'm seeing double.

Want to come home with us?

Are you insane?

He's cute!

Leave me out of it.

-What was that just now?
-That?

That was my final rejection
of the man-woman crap.

-Let's drink to that.
-No, I'm seeing double.

Although...
I actually seem to be okay again.

I'll tell you something.

So long as there is still online porn

and I have two working hands,
I'm steering clear

of any relationship.

-What was that supposed to be?
-That, my friend, was an oath.

Extra supplies, men.

Holy shit! For a moment I thought
Nille knows about me and Jette.

You had an affair with Jette?

-With Nilles Jette?
-No, of course not! I just fucked her.

Right!

Torben banged Jette?

Yes. But it was a while ago.

You knew the whole time

and didn't tell Nils?

What? He was in a bad way then anyway.

-So?
-Dude!

If my house is on fire,
I don't want to hear my cat got shot.

-Nille is our friend.
- I won't tell him!

-He can't know Jette banged Torben.
- hope you don't mean my Jette.

Nod till your brain goes soft.
I won't tell him.

- I mean it.
-Won't tell me what?

Nille?
Torben had sex with Jette.

Nille... you and Jette
have built a life together.

You have two wonderful children.
You're a family.

Jette loves you, and you love Jette.

Yeah, exactly.

Tommy's right.

You have each other.
Just take a look at me.

All I have is 50 euros cash
and a fat sister.

Yeah, you're right.

No reason to lose my cool
and do something crazy.

That's right, my friend.

Torben!

Ithink he's gone to the toilet.

Great job, Andi!

Me?

It was you who told him!

Open up! I know you're in there!

-Bastard!
-Nille, I'd never seen Jette so sad.

I just wanted to comfort her.

She was devastated.

Because your shitty speech
at your shitty class reunion

was more important than your daughter.

-She told you that?
-No, I just made it up right now.

That was no reason to fuck my wife,
you bastard!

Damn it, Nille, I know I screwed...

I sang nursery rhymes
with you bastard!

Torben, perhaps it would be a good thing

if you apologized to Nille!

Fuck!

Torben!

-Sudden death. Not all that rare.
-Shit!

It was just pre-wedding drinks.

A good way to go. One bang, that's it.

-No blood and all that crap.
-Although it happened on the crapper.

-He slept with my wife.
-Seriously?

Yeah.

Karma's a bitch.

Oops!

Do you know someone called Gitte?

No.

-She can leave a message.
-Okay.

Sorry.

Nille, there's nothing I can do

besides telling you
how sorry I am about everything.

I love you.

Did you say that to Torben as well?

Where are you going?

-The funeral of a man your mother...
-Nils!

-...ate pizza with.
-Okay...

Well, have fun, then.

It should be you who's going.
You knew Torben better.

Leave me be!

Nils, it meant nothing,
absolutely nothing.

That's the difference
between you and me, Jette.

I don't do things
that mean absolutely nothing.

You were always so distant last year.

-So sad.
-I was in a mid-life crisis!

I've never felt so alone.

I was so lonely, even right next to you.

You didn't notice.

Why didn't you
just take the eye drops and left?

Explain that to me.

-It's all so long ago for us.
-What?

-What's so long ago?
-I don't know.

Everything.

Flirting, feeling excited...

being told I'm beautiful.

Beautiful?

When was the last time
you told me that I'm beautiful?

When, huh?

-When?
-Nils...

No one tells me that I'm beautiful.

But I didn't start screwing around.

Or did I do that?

Is everything broken here?

Nils, I understand you want to hurt me
as much as I hurt you.

But, perhaps, when you're not
quite so furious...

I'm not furious, Jette.

I just don't feel anything anymore.

To me, you're like a random person
standing next to me at the bus stop.

I might have seen you before, yeah,

but I don't care
whether you get on the bus.

I hope everything is okay
between Gran and Tommy's mom.

It was fine last time.

Your birthday.

-Or not?
-They argued about toilet paper.

Oh, that's true.

I must have repressed the memory.

It'll be fine.

Got the day wrong?

-The wedding's tomorrow.
-Nils is going?

-That's the plan.
-Going where?

-Torben's funeral.
-What does that mean?

It means we put him in a wooden box
and bury him so deep we can't smell him.

-Tommy!
-But the wedding's tomorrow.

-He'll be back tonight.
-What if something goes wrong?

Torben will be punctual
and we're not planning to party.

That's not funny.

That's the thing with funerals.

Hey!

-What do you want?
-I was passing by.

You live 45 minutes away.

Lili, I didn't want this to happen.

But I can't stop how I feel.

I've fallen in love with you.

Go, please.

Lili, it's important.

I can't just go.
Please, we have to talk.

We don't.
You can't just fall in love with me.

You're invading my personal space.

I don't want
to invade your personal space.

- I know I messed up with Sarah.
-Messed up?

But I think
if we give her a little time,

she'll understand.

Of course she will.

She'll be so happy for us,
probably send us a card.

Lili, I can't...

Lili, you know how your mother and I
want you to be happy

but respect your privacy.

We will always worry about you,

but you're now a grown-up
who has to make her own mistakes, right?

-Right.
-It's hard to respect your privacy now.

With Lenny's arm
on the intercom switch.

Okay?

Was nice seeing you.

-Blimey!
-Thanks.

Of course.

-Know how to tie a tie?
-Ask mom.

"Ask mom!"

-Don't they teach you anything?
-No. I go to a comprehensive.

-Don't stress out. Ask mom.
-No, I won't!

-Why not?
-Because...

-Hm, still got Lenny's picture?
-Give it back!

Not over him yet, huh?

-He was my boyfriend, Dad!
-Yeah, for one whole year.

Twelve and a half months!

That's a fart in the passing of time.

-A fart?
-A fart!

Your mother is...

-What about mom?
-She...

has been buying milk.

-Milk?
-For twenty-five years!

It's always been semi-skimmed.

And suddenly, on a whim,

without considering
the consequences for a second...

whole milk!

-Whole milk!
-It tastes the same.

It doesn't!

Twenty-five years of semi-skimmed milk!

Simply chucked in the bin!

That's something for you to cry about!

I'll tie this myself!

-What?
-Lili?

I'm outside the house.
I won't go till we talk.

Who tied that? Hold this a second.

-Happy funeral, Nille.
-Happy funeral to you, my friend.

-Want to do this to yourself?
-I'm happy to go.

We'll put Torben in a nice deep hole
with a slab of granite on top.

-Easy to clean, a popular choice.
-That's not funny.

Joking aside,
we get it if you want to leave.

I know.
But I can't be at home right now.

I can't bear the sight of my own wife.

The saddest thing I've ever said

but it's true.

The only thing stopping me from
beating myself senseless with a shovel

IS you guys.

I'm so glad to have you.

We agreed
I could come along on the next trip.

-We're going to a funeral.
-I'm wearing black.

-Nothing but sad, old people.
-I like sad, old people.

-Can't be worse than your reunion.
-She's right.

I'll drive.

Lenny, have you
grown roots there or what?

I have time.

I can't believe he's dead.

Why not? They put him in a bag
and zipped it up.

Nils, I wanted to say

I'm sorry about Jette.

-How do you know?
-We live together.

-I can't vanish every time you talk.
-Nille!

It's fine. Thanks for the condolences.

Nils! Jette isn't dead!

-But my marriage is, because of that...
-Hang on!

We don't speak ill of the dead.
That still counts?

Torben made a mistake, okay?
A bad, unforgiveable mistake.

-So Nils is allowed to hate him.
-He doesn't hate him.

Yes, Torben screwed up.
But Nils didn't want him dead.

No.
A smashed dick would have been enough.

-Dieter Bohlen had that.
-Really?

-Toilet seat slammed right down on it.
-Ouch!

This is all so wrong.

-We are too young to die.
-Well...

You're not that young.

LENNY
CALL ME

-Can you watch the road?
-Dude!

Drive slower!

-Ah! Accelerate!
-Make up your mind.

-Accelerate!
-I'm hungry.

You get hungry every time
we go anywhere. Eat beforehand.

-I wasn't hungry then.
-I made sandwiches.

-What's that?
-Exxtreme Power Caps. Can't you read?

Look, Tommy.

-Against hair loss?
- I have beautiful hair.

It's like Viagra but better.
All-natural ingredients.

I thought you gave up sex?

-Yes, but it's great for wanking.
-For wanking!

Wish I could close my ears.

-You wanted to drive.
-I always carry it around on long trips.

-In the car?
-Yeah, it's clean and safe.

A view of your choice.

-Is that why you borrowed my car?
-I went to the Baltic. Lovely!

-Andi!
-What's up?

I had tissues with me!

-You put your cummy hands on my bread?
-I washed my hands, of course!

Aren't you in charge of laundry today?

But then it was all too much for you?

Sarah, have you considered that Lili
might be as unhappy about this as you?

Lili called. She's worried about you.

She said you haven't been
answering her messages.

Then she can stop sending them.

-Couldn't the two of you have a talk?
-Only over my dead body.

I'm so sorry.

-When I was your age, I...
-You were never my age.

You've always been old.

I don't want to hear how well
you managed it all and how dumb I am.

A piece of advice from a woman

who wants nothing more
than for her baby to be happy.

Men come and go.

Friends are forever.

I love you, sweetheart.

I orbit around you
like the Earth orbits around the sun.

Your warmth helps me grow.

Without you, I cannot be.

What is that?

My marriage vows. What a joke!

-Your vows were that long?
-That's the introduction.

Don't say you haven't written yours yet?

-Isn't "I do" enough?
-Just "I do"?

Mom has been working on hers
for three months.

Three m...? Oh, my God!

How about this introduction?

"Today I, Thomas, link up with you,
Linda, in the presence of our families."

-Link up?
-Sounds like a business deal.

Tommy, you can't Google it.
It has to come from the heart.

You make your living from schmaltz.

-You can think of something.
-Forgotten?

His latest schmaltz
has had pretty bad reviews.

"Linda: friend, wife, companion,
playmate, confidante."

Seriously?

"I'll be by your side
in poverty, sickness and failure,

in hardship and war,
flight and expulsion,

in the bitterest circumstances
until death releases us."

-What do you think?
-Bit gloomy?

It sounds realistic to me.

"Linda, we are tying the knots
in the net of our love

in which we will catch our dreams.

-Acrimony will fall through the mesh."
-The mesh?

Of the net.

Strong image.

"My eyes see only you,
my mind thinks only of you,

I would lay at your feet..."

I'd lay eggs.

Dude!

-Lie at your feet.
-What?

You got your grammar wrong.
It's "lie", not "lay".

Okay. But otherwise?

Sorry, I lost the thread at "feet".

Don't give up. It's good, Tommy.

I think it's good.
Lots of stuff you can use.

I vow that you are
my moon and my stars.

I vow that our love
will be like strolling on rainbows.

I vow to always close the door
when I shit.

You can vow what you like.
No one sticks to it afterwards.

Tommy, say something!

We need a wreath.

-Thank you. Bye.
-My pleasure. Have a good day.

-How may I help you?
-Do you have flowers?

No, I haven't.

Just joking!

We need a wreath for a guy
who pissed all over our friendship.

It's true.

A bereavement.

-How about this?
-Nice.

Looks like a massive arsehole. Perfect!

-Writing on the ribbon?
-Absolutely!

"Thank you for... fucking my wife."

Really?

He's just joking!

I'm not.

-Okay.
-No!

Write, "You sank peacefully
into eternal slumber."

That's better.

-It... is...
-What is it?

...all over.

He was so cold towards me.

It'd have been easier if he had rampaged
or thrown stuff around.

It was as if he had decided for himself
that it was over for good.

You've been together over 20 years.
Of course it isn't over.

He just needs some time.

And what if he can never forgive me?
What if he doesn't want to?

What if it's already over between us
and he just hasn't told me yet?

You just made a teeny little mistake.

Teeny little?

Yes, these things happen.
But you love your husband?

And he loves you.

I'm sure he'll remember that.

-Remember Torben's dick?
-What about it?

It was inside my wife.
And given what the guys say...

-A massive prick, in every sense.
-Dude, leave it out!

It's not the size of the ship,
it's the motion of the ocean.

Size doesn't matter.

That's why housewives fly to Jamaica.

For the guys with famously tiny dicks.

Nille, Torben's dick
is going to be buried with him.

End of story.

-Its size is no longer relevant.
-Right.

Andi, you two were on a team.
You had group showers?

Yeah, but I don't check out other dicks.

You were the only one
who was always looking.

That was scientific interest.

-Scientific interest?
-Try to remember.

-Close your eyes, think back.
-What are you on about?

Am I talking French?
Recall those days.

When you were on the team.
You have to close your eyes. Like this.

Now pick up your gym bag

and walk slowly, step by step,
back into the group showers.

-Nille...
-Shh!

-Shouldn't you open your eyes?
-I can drive with them closed.

Something's not right with him.

Tommy!

-Dude!
-What? It's Andi's fault.

My fault?

-You can't drive! We almost croaked!
-I've never had an accident!

-Sure?
-Yeah!

That bodybuilder last year?

Who's driving now?
We don't have many options.

I welcome her three surviving children.

A small flyer in the lobby commemorates

those who have passed.

I also welcome her 16 grandchildren,
seven great-grandchildren,

and her comrades
from the War Graves Commission

and the Hemlower Grund Rifle Club.

We have come together today
to bid farewell

to Rita.

Rita? Who's Rita?

Probably one of Torben's slags.

Excuse me, may I ask you something?

This Rita, is she lying in that coffin?

-Of course she is!
-Okay...

Oh, God!
It isn't Torben's turn until two!

-You tosser!
-Let's go.

You all had the privilege of knowing

this wonderful

and beloved 97-year-old lady

and accompanying her
on her journey through life.

Rita Marlene von Ochtritz

survived a World War,

three divorces,

two bankruptcies.

Life was tough, and it made her tough.
She knew how to fight.

She had a heart of gold...

She wasn't an easy person.

It could be difficult
for people to love her.

And yet many stuck to it
and kept trying.

Rita was a woman of her century.

-Andi, Andi, Andi!
-What? These things happen.

Funny how they only happen to you.

-Lenny?
-No.

Not at all.
I just have to make a phone call.

Come on, guys. Let's go see Torben.

Oh, God!

Poor Torben is lying in there.
Cold and alone.

-Never again will he...
-Screw my wife.

Nille!

-What are you doing?
-You can't remember, so I'll check.

-Are you insane?
-Tommy! Not so loud.

I have to know how it looks.

How do you expect it to look like?
Flaccid they all look the same.

Like something born
without arms or legs.

Linda likes how mine looks.

Tommy, no woman likes how a dick looks.

Linda was just being nice to you.
Does any woman have a dick screensaver?

Ugly or not,
I have to know how big it is.

Lili, I know I screwed up.

But I...

How about we sit down
and discuss the pros and cons...

Okay, twelve objectively good reasons
for you to be with me.

One, your good grades
in Chemistry are down to me.

Two, I'm the only one who likes
your tofu Bolognese, which isn't easy.

Three...

-I'm sending you something.
-You have to stop.

-We have to talk.
-You have to do one thing.

Get Sarah to make up with me.
Then be my buddy.

Like before, okay? I miss you.

-Sorry, Lili. I can't do that anymore.
-Okay, then don't.

Then we're nothing to each other.

What does he look like!

Like a fireman's hose!

Maybe it's just bloated
and will collapse if touched.

Damn, it's real!

I always thought
it was an urban legend, but...

It's a real shower.

It seems a shame to bury it.

Yeah. Something like that should be
in the natural history museum.

Shit!

What the fuck!

A broken nose, and concussion.

-Off to hospital.
-She has a funeral at two!

-Right!
-It has to wait.

-We'll bury him tomorrow at nine.
-What?

-We can't do that!
-Says who?

I do!

-No discussion.
-Fuck!

At nine? We're serving
amuse-bouche at eleven!

-We can't stay until tomorrow.
-May 17

-My God!
-Just cos you had to measure his dick!

Well, I'm traumatized.

We present the wreath,
shake hands, leave!

-Hey, Tommy!
-Linda, we have a small problem.

-No fucking way, José!
-At nine?

So we're cancelling the wedding?

No, we'll be on time...

Nine isn't punctual. Nine is too late.

-We'll never make it.
-Shh!

Don't start shushing me!
I'm already losing it.

-The buffet is at eleven.
-We'll start later.

"Brunch with bubbly at 11 a.m."”

-The invitations went out weeks ago.
-Linda!

We are the pall bearers
and I'm giving a speech.

-But he was a git!
-Excuse me?

-Condolences.
-Linda, sweetie.

I promise it'll be fine.
Best wedding ever.

-I know you want to see your friend off.
-I swear!

It'll be the shortest eulogy ever!

Fuck!

We had to change our plans for today.

A tragic accident has prevented us

from laying my son to rest at this time.

We understand that
it isn't easy for you,

but it would mean a lot
to Marlene and me

if you could stay until tomorrow

to say goodbye to Torben.

As you know, we have plenty of room.

Those of you who have travelled far
are very welcome to spend the night

if you're willing to share rooms.

Gitte was kind enough to get them ready.

Tomorrow morning we can all set off
for the church together

to bid Torben a final adieu.

His death came as a terrible blow

to all of us.

-And that he had to go that way...
-Gesa!

- I mean, while he...
-Gesa, please!

Tommy, I know
it's your wedding tomorrow.

We will all understand it
if you can't stay.

Of course I'm staying.
It's what Torben would have wanted.

-What?
-Really?

It is so comforting to know

that I can rely on his friends
at this difficult time.

Thank you!

Thank you, everyone!

Forgive me.

Torben was an extraordinary man.

His death has left a void in our lives.

Thank you, Rudiger.

Thanks, Rudiger.

Marlene... I share your pain.

Thank you. The invitation was
for Jette too. Couldn't she come?

Jette prefers to spend the day relaxing.

-She can't be bothered with funerals.
-Sorry?

She's probably in a bikini at the beach.

Jette has no feelings. She's ice cold.

No matter how dead a person is

Jette is doing just fine.

Everyone thinks Jette is calm,
honest, reliable, harmless.

But still waters run deep.

She seizes any opportunity
to satisfy her needs.

She has a voracious appetite.
Especially for...

Torben's death affected him greatly.
Like all of us.

Our sincere condolences.

-What are you doing?
-Marlene has the right to know...

What? The man she's mourning
cheated on her?

-Yes! Exactly that.
-Nille!

You're my best friend,
but if you tell her, I'll smack you.

-But...
-I'll smack you, my love, okay?

Now go get something to eat. Go!

Okay...

-Take care.
-Take care.

-I'll see you tomorrow.
-See you.

Where is he?

He's vanished into thin air!

-Changed your mind?
-Huh?

No, I just had to comfort a friend.

-Funerals can be depressing occasions.
-Yep...

Gitte.

Thomas. I know who you are, by the way.

-I thought you didn't recognize critics.
- I just don't read them.

-Oh really?
-Yes. I pay them no attention.

-Thomas?
-Yeah?

-My hand...
-Oh!

-Were you and Torben close?
-Close?

He was a friend. We'd known each other
since primary school.

-And you?
-Marlene is my best friend.

-Torben was quite a bad boy.
-Oh, yes, I know!

-He even came onto me once.
-Sounds like Torben.

I've nothing against fun,
but not with married men.

I'm not married!

-Not yet.
-How fortunate for me!

-Are we flirting?
-Would that be so bad?

Apart from the fact
that we're at a funeral?

Touché.

Gitte!

-Can you come?
-Who is that woman?

That's a long story.

"I'm not married!"

Thomas, you're a dick!

Hey, hands off!

Sylvie!

Andi! Hi!
I haven't seen you in ages!

Sorry! I know it's hard
to be alone at our age.

All the good guys are taken.
The rest live with mom.

-Andreas...
-Don't speak!

Only ever at arm's length.

I took an oath. I'm done with love.

So I'm afraid
you must keep your distance.

-You jokester!
-No! Aren't you listening?

-Step away and we'll forget about it.
-Are you all right?

Step away.

-How's this?
-A little further.

Okay?

No, a little further.

Almost. A little bit more.

That's good.

That'll do.

-Why are you hitting on the blogger?
-What?

Gitte's an old friend.

-Of yours or Torben's?
-Both of us.

Tommy, I asked Nils. Don't talk shit.

Oh, you asked Nils!

How awesome!
And what did he have to say?

Nothing, except who she is.

He said to ask you about the rest.

-So?
-We just talked.

-About professional stuff.
-I'll choose my words carefully.

Were you being "friendly" to her
in hopes she'd write a good review?

What?

-Your mind!
-Forgotten you're monogamous now?

No.

This is your room, Lili.

- I hope it has everything you need.
-Thanks, Mrs Seyffert.

Gesa to you.

-Sleep well, my dear.
-Thank you.

-I'm afraid you boys have to share.
-No problem, Gesa.

There are plenty of pajamas and so on
in the wardrobe you can use.

Torben doesn't need them anymore.

Tommy, if there's anything else
you need, please ask Gitte.

-Yeah?
-Thomas doesn't need anything.

Her room is at the end of the corridor.

-That's very good to know.
-Yes.

Well, then...

Oh, Sarah!

-What are you doing?
-What does it look like? Keeping fit.

-I don't want to die early, like Torben.
-So you're going for a bike ride?

-I'm trying to stay alive.
-What for? To avoid love even longer?

Love? Oh, Tommy, there are
so many more things you can do in life.

Oh, yeah? What, for example?

Well, for example...

Wanking?

Among other things, yes.

That's enough for today.

I wonder,
in the moment that Torben died,

whether his life
flashed before his eyes.

-What do you mean, "flashed"?
-Like in a film.

-Including plenty of other men's wives.
-Nille!

-Torben had his good points.
-Says who?

Tanja, for example.

She told him
about speeders by our day care

and he put up 30 km/h signs out there.

-They're still there!
-Wow!

Do you have a heart-warming tale, too?

Yes. I once missed my train.
It was night.

I was about 20.

I called Torben and he immediately
drove 300 kilometers to come get me.

Although he was having a threesome.

-No!
- I swear.

When his life flashed before him,
that's probably what he regretted most.

Nils! Dude!

-Why didn't you call me?
- I did call you.

You didn't answer. What are you doing?

Brushing my teeth.
Those biscuits stuck to my mouth.

-Why did you bring a toothbrush?
- I didn't.

-It was there.
-This was Torben's room.

-You're kidding?
-Ask Gesa.

Just think where his tongue's been!

Dude, I need a beer.

All empty. I need a beer!

Like this one?

It's the last. Want to share?

Or... would that go against your oath?

Not really.

Arm's length, I know.

Oh, that's pretty tasty!

Were you being serious earlier?

-About what?
-Your oath.

Yes, I'm done with love.

-How come?
- don't want to get hurt again.

Welcome to the club.

I don't want to get hurt again either.

-Well, then we're in agreement.
-But, you know...

If you're constantly afraid
of getting hurt

and you curl up into a ball,
refusing to give anyone a chance,

you'll die lonely.

I'd rather be lonely and happy
than unhappy with someone.

Lonely and happy?

How is that supposed to work?

- Don't know what to think.
-Do you know what I think?

I don't want to die before I'm dead.

Life is far too short anyway.

We should have fun.

No feelings involved.

-That's a nice one.
-Look how sweet!

Dressed as Indians.

Oh, that was his 18th birthday.

-Hey.
-Hey.

Why aren't you in bed?

I can't sleep.

Me neither.

Are you all right?

I'm sad, and...

have a house full of people
making me sadder.

Marlene...

About before...

I don't know what I was thinking.

I was so aggressive.

-I'm sorry.
-It's okay.

Torben would have laughed about it.

-Did you know, you were his best friend?
-I was his best friend?

Yes, that's what he told me.

-What's going on with Jette?
-Jette...

-Doesn't matter.
-Did you argue?

-You did.
-"Argue” isn't the right word.

I always envied you two, you know?

You envied us? Why?

Everything's so easy for you.

Easy?

Jette is the buffer
between you and the world.

And you love her so much,
she is able to be courageous

and strong, and...

I'd have liked to have had that too.

-What's wrong?
-Sarah isn't answering.

-Why not?
-Because she hates me.

And it's all Lenny's fault.
I hate him.

Everyone hates Lenny. He's an arsehole.

Have you ever resolved to fall in love?

Resolved?

-You can't resolve to fall in love.
-Precisely.

It's not Lenny's fault he fell in love.

He should have said so.
He should have told me.

Hey...

Men are cowards.

Most of us at least.
We're not being mean.

We're just trying
to make things easy on ourselves.

Buffoons!

Know what you'll say
in your speech?

To be honest,

I can't come up with anything
that isn't cheesy.

Just think about how things were
before you fell in love.

And then think about how you feel now.

The differences between then and now are
the reasons why you want to marry her.

Wow! I like how you put that.

No big deal. I'm happy to help.

-Do you like Lenny?
-No.

-You're sure?
-Positive!

It's no good anyway.

Okay, then let's just sit here
in silence together, okay?

Okay.

-Okay?
-Yeah.

Silence, silence, silence.

Silence, silence.

Oh, Jette!

Turns out Marlene was
always envious of us.

Jette, I thank you for making my life
that little bit more bearable.

For being so courageous,
and always taking me to IKEA

just to browse.

Thank you for teaching me
about that Indian dance.

Kathakali.

You always took me to the theatres
to watch movies in English,

and without subtitles.

Despite the fact
I grew up in East Germany.

Thank you, Jette.

I'll drink to that.

-Are you going to be okay?
-Maybe tomorrow.

Definitely by then.

It!

-What's up?
“Where's Li?

In the bathroom.

Yeah, baby!

What the heck?

-I need the car keys!
-At night? Why?

I need my pills!
Sylvie hasn't had sex in four years.

-I can't get it up.
-And your oath?

We're just fucking, no feelings.

-You're crazy.
-The car keys! Now!

- I don't have them.
-Aah!

What a guy!

They always leave the doors unlocked.
Except today!

Sorry, Nille, but I have no choice.

God! God, where the hell are they?

Let's go, buffalo!

Where are you going?

-Something I have to take care of.
-What?

Don't worry about it!

You're my wild stallion.

Oh, it's so good!

Yes, right there.

-What'?

-What?
-I'm going to come out and say this.

Yes, I was flirting with you earlier.

-So, now I've said it.
-I'm shocked!

Come in.

What a bastard!

It was Torben's idea, but that doesn't
mean I don't take full responsibility.

I thought that if I flirted with you,
and if we...

...that if I did that, you might
write a good review of my new album.

I see.

But...

I'm engaged.

I'm in love.

And last year I sort of became a dad.

I have to start

getting my life in order and growing up.

So, sorry about all of that.

Of course, you can write what you like.

Tommy, I've already written my review!

You tried something new.

I think it turned out great.
Others will see that.

- I like your album.
-Really?

And now I like it a little bit more.

You, writing love songs?

Who would have thought it?

I think now I know why.

-Good luck with the wedding.
-Thank you.

Good night.

-Thomas, I am proud of you.
-Yes!

What the...?

Oh, I needed that!

Without any feelings.

...felt nothing.

You?

I felt nothing either.

That's all right, then.

I want a cigarette. Would you...?

Sure.

I think I'll have one too,
to mark the occasion.

-Thanks.
-Got a lighter?

-The drawer.
-Hang on.

What?

I can't get it out.

-Oh, no! Ah!
-What's wrong?

I think I...

I'm having a vaginal spasm.

-What do we do now?
-We wait for you to go flaccid.

-That could take a while.
-Why's that?

That's how I am.

-Did you take something?
-No! Do I look like I need that stuff?

No.

-What do we do?
-Lubricant?

-Got any?
-Think I'd take lubricant to a funeral?

No, I don't know... Ouch!
It's starting to hurt now.

I have an idea.

Right, left.

Right.

-What?
-Right. Left, left!

Right! That does it!

Hit

-Hi.
-What are you doing?

-We're playing being a zebra.
-Can I play too?

Sorry, this game is for adults.

You two are mean.

-What are we looking for?
-Salad oil maybe.

I'm free!

-Thank God!
-Andi, is that you?

What is going on in h...?

That's the best thing
about really cool parties.

In the end everyone meets for treats
at the buffet.

I can explain.

It's not what it looks like.

-Hey, you!
-Hey, what are you doing?

Looking at our rings.
I'm working on my speech.

-Still? I finished weeks ago.
-It's not a competition.

- I know, but I still won.
-How are you?

- I had a dream about us.
-Nice! What was it?

I dreamt that you pulled out
at the last second.

-What?
-Yes. It was a really realistic dream.

No fairies or unicorns.
I was really sad when I woke up.

What were we like
before we met each other?

-Lonely?
-And?

Despairing.

And what did we think before we met?

That no one would ever love us because
we're too old, jaded and ugly.

And what did we think
after we met each other?

We had found someone who understood.

Someone we could trust.

-We were meant for each other.
-Yes. I won't pull out. You're my wife.

How's Lili?

I think she's in love with Lenny
but worried about losing Sarah.

I wish I could help her,
but they have to sort it out alone.

-Yeah, maybe.
-Sleep well, babe.

You too.

Hi, this is Sarah.

-Leave a message.
-Hi, Sarah.

This is Tommy.
Sorry for calling you so late.

Lili has been trying
to reach you all day.

From what I've heard,
I get why you didn't answer.

Lili wouldn't do anything with Lenny.
You're her best friend.

She would never hurt you.

But I can tell you
that she really loves you.

It's breaking her heart
she can't talk to you.

She's doing almost as badly as you.

In this life you only meet a few people
who really care about you.

The most important thing in life
after family is friendship.

Men come and go. Friends are forever.

I mean real friends,
who'd do anything for you.

It's a gift not everyone gets to enjoy.
You shouldn't throw it away.

Friendship is worth fighting for.

I think you two need a best friend now
more than ever.

Just think about it, okay?

And please don't tell Lili I left you
a huge message at night.

She's already embarrassed by me.

So please keep it to yourself.

Ciao, Tommy.

Hi, Sarah. This is Tommy.
Sorry for calling you so late.

Lili has been trying
to reach you all day.

From what I've heard...

-Why are you here?
-I want to talk to you.

-We've said enough.
-Not about us.

-About Tommy.
-What about Tommy?

He did it again.

-What has he done again?
-Screwing around.

The wedding's tomorrow
and he's cheating on her.

Come here.

And please don't tell Lili I left you
a huge message at night.

She's already embarrassed by me.
So please keep it to yourself.

Ciao, Tommy.

I promise, Tommy.

-So embarrassing! That guy!
-Embarrassing, but sweet.

How can he be so sweet,
and yet do that?

Hey, it's not a crime
to go into somebody else's room.

-We don't know what he did in there.
-You're probably right.

I don't fear the future if you're in it.
My darling, you are...

I don't want a world...
Oh, what a load of shit!

Lie down.

-Do I want to know what happened?
-No, you don't.

-Then let's go to sleep.
-Careful.

- I can't sleep on my back.
-Then lie on your belly.

-Lie down, will you!
-Owww!

-What the...?
-What am I supposed to do?

Dude!

-Light out. I don't want to see that.
-Neither do I.

Don't get too close.

Stop fidgeting!

Take your knee out of my back, please.

That's not my knee!

Ah, much better. Thanks, Tommy!

Good morning.

Marlene asked Torben's friend Thomas

to say a few words of comfort.

Thomas.

-Where's Lili?
-No idea. Still sleeping?

Marlene...

Torben was...

a man who really loved life.

And he really loved a laugh.

And... Well, few people can say this.
He loved to laugh about himself.

When he got an idea into his mind

he always went ahead with it

and wouldn't let anyone or anything
stand in his way.

He was a little crazy.

Yeah.

And he had the odd quirk or three.

But if you were in a bad situation,
you could always rely on him

to stop whatever he was doing
and be there for you.

Thomas!

Gotta go...

Where was 1?

Torben is dead.

And we are all sad, and...

and... devastated.

But we're also really damn late,
and so...

it's about time

to finally put Torben six feet under.

So. Shall we do this?

Well? What do you think?

-Oh, Linda, you look so...
-You look so happy!

Has he called?

-He will. Don't worry.
-In the meantime...

we've prepared
a teeny surprise for you.

You can open your eyes.

Oh, my God!

My God!

I was picturing something
quite different.

I don't get you.
What a magnificent view!

| wanted to see the water lilies!
Who cares about all that?

-How much have you drunk?
-Don't start!

-Who cares?
-Well, don't collapse.

-What?
-Be quiet!

-Is it how you imagined?
-What kitsch!

-Yes.
-My God!

It's exactly how I imagined it.

-Could you get a move on?
-Want us to jog to the grave?

We have to go!

Okay, let's move it. We have a wedding!

Hurry up, Nille!

I'm sick of you telling me what to do.
You're not my mom.

Not your mom?

-Oh, my God! My boy!
- I can't believe it!

First the funeral is delayed
because of you and now you drop him!

-But... but...
-What's wrong with you?

-Want my marriage to fuck up too?
-Exactly!

I'm always the idiot!
Your feelings matter more!

The few you have!
Your album got shitty reviews!

So what? Then make a new one!

Andreas doesn't get
that Tanja won't take him back!

He's wallowing in self-pity.
I tell him to start again.

But what about me? What about me?

Did Torben fuck your wives?

Did he?

Well? Did he? No, he didn't!

It just happened to be my wife!

-Know how lucky you are?
-Marlene...

Jette had sex with Torben?

So what?

You can go home
and fight with her about it.

I---

I'll never be able to do that again.
Never!

Don't you get it?

Torben may have been an arsehole.

But he was my arsehole.

Yes. My arsehole.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Marlene...

We'll always be there for you.
But...

But if we don't leave right now,
my wedding will take place without me.

Good luck, Tommy.

Good luck.

-Fancy a wedding?
-What?

-Do you fancy a wedding?
-It's a little quick.

But I mean why not.

Yeah!

Lili, we have to go!

HOPE YOU HAD FUN, ARSEHOLE!

Fuck!

Think Tommy will mind
Sylvie coming along?

-She has no invitation.
-We'll ask Tanja to give her hers.

-Are you serious?
-It doesn't hurt to ask.

Where's my car?

No! No, no, no, no.

I'm grieving. They can't steal my car!

-What are we going to do?
-Thank God I have this app.

Who cares about your app?
How do we get to the wedding?

-What's going on here?
-I have feelings again.

-Ah!
-Can Sylvie come to the wedding?

If Tanja doesn't mind. Let's go.

We can't.

They stole my car, during a funeral.
Who does that?

-Lili. She saw me with Gitte.
- I don't believe it.

Nothing happened.
We talked, I went to bed.

And how do we get to the wedding?

We take Torben's wheels.

I'm sure he won't mind.

Hey, brother!

We've been waiting for you!

-Go get some champagne.
- I don't drink.

Or go amuse your bouche.

My varnish is peeling.

-Why did I take your advice?
- I offered you mine.

-You said it looked cheap.
-This is junk!

-No answer.
-He said he'd be on time.

-On time was half an hour ago.
-Irene!

-Maybe he has reasons not to hurry.
-Pardon?

Maybe he got cold feet.

He's a free spirit.
He never wanted to marry.

-Birgit!
-He could have thought of that before.

No need for sarcasm. We know
how Tommy lived, and he was happy.

Maybe he's too witless and unfeeling

to know what love means.

-He should be grateful Linda said yes.
-Mom!

-What?
-Grateful?

It took 50 years for him to find anyone.
But perhaps it runs in the family.

Is this your third or fourth husband?
Were you planning to stay?

Or are you just passing by?

Could you get your sheep off the road?

In calmness lies strength.

- Don't believe it.
-Two sheep on the lane.

One says, "Baa."
The other says, "But I'm baaed.”

-Good, huh?
-Piss off, you lot!

-They don't understand.
-Two sheep...

If you want us to get there,
drive round!

-Fantastic!
-Why did you stop, you knob?

- I didn't! We're stuck!
-Shit!

Someone up there
doesn't want me to get married.

This piece of shit!

-Do it gently!
-What are you doing?

"Drive round," you said!

-Piece of shit!
-This is doing no good.

Get out.

Grab the shoe!

Watch out! The bride!

-Shit!
-Not on the dress!

Not the dress!

Fantastic!

-Now?
-What do you think?

We push and you carefully
put your foot down. Can you?

I absolutely can.

Okay.

-Nice and slowly.
-Careful of your nice wedding shoes!

Hey, my shoes!

Are you mad?

What the fucking fuck!

What's so funny?

I think your shoes
may be a little grubby!

My wedding is so majorly fucked up!

No, it isn't. Not yet at least.

Need a taxi, brainboxes?

Mm, raspberry cream.

It's about time!

-Well, you're a mess.
- I pictured your dress differently too.

-Oh, right...
-Linda, I know we're a little late.

Was I asking for too much?
Just five minutes.

Five minutes wearing a white dress
and walking towards someone

who's wearing a suit and a tie,
just for me.

Someone who's waiting for me.

Just for me.
Just that one occasion.

Then in front of a few dozen people,
he says he wants me.

Forever.

-Then he kisses me, and...
-Mom.

-Tommy tried really hard.
- I think I'm going for a lie-down.

Sorry, everyone!
Have some wedding cake.

-What's your problem?
-Or not!

-Can't we...
-Turn back time to when I was a bride?

And our mothers were less insane?
And this wasn't my life?

No.

You remember where we met?

-In the grocery store.
-What were you doing?

-What else? Shopping!
-Call that shopping?

You were patting melons.
Not one, but at least a dozen of them.

Everyone was whispering about you,
but you didn't care.

You wanted to find the right one.

I watched you, thinking, "That woman
is insane, but I want to meet her."

- I spoke to you, and you said...
-"A good melon is hard to find."

A good melon
is almost impossible to find.

And that's why
I want you to be my melon.

-To be your melon?
-I've patted a lot of them.

Just like you.

-Now I've found the perfect one.
-The perfect melon?

-You're always saying fruit is healthy.
-Fancy words, but I hate you.

-Fine. Lots of room for improvement.
-You're untidy.

You're unpunctual! You're impossible!

- I can't rely on you.
-And you snore!

-I don't.
-Oh, you do!

-It's true.
-You're barely tolerable!

I know.

-What?
-Give me your hand.

-Why?
-Give me your hand.

-1,000 says he screws up.
-Deal!

Linda, I never thought
I would feel this way.

But I feel at home with you.
Do you want to be my melon?

-I told you!
-Wait.

- I can't be with no one else.
-Double negative.

Okay, I can't be with anyone else.

Yes!

Yes, I want to be your melon.

- I don't have that much on me.
-There's an ATM on the street.

Then I would like to be your melon, too,
if that's okay with you?

Yes, that's okay.

You may now Kiss your fruit!

-Got the money?
-Sure.

900 is missing.

Many thanks.

-Tanja.
-Sylvie.

I've heard a lot about you.

Only good things.

-You're?
-Raimond.

-Nice name.
-Yes!

And I've heard a lot about you.

Also good things.

Hello.

Let's try to be friends?

Yes.

-How was the funeral?
-Boring.

No laughing, no dancing. Really dull.

-But I learnt something.
-What?

-That you are my arsehole.
-What am I?

Please forget about Torben.
Forget about the whole thing.

-Do you love me?
-Yes!

That's all I need to know.

THE WEDDING

No Limits Media 2019
Subtitles: Heather Kimber et al.