Dick (1999) - full transcript

Comedy about two high school girls who wander off during a class trip to the White House and meet President Richard Nixon. They become the official dog walkers for Nixon's dog Checkers, and become his secret advisors during the Watergate scandal.

In 1974, President Richard Nixon
resigned in disgrace...

...amid the Watergate scandal.

One of the mysteries
of the 20th century...

...pertains to the identity
of Deep Throat...

...the inside source who leaked the
information to the Washington Post.

Who is Deep Throat?

Tonight, my guests will
answer that question.

Bob Woodward, Carl Bernstein...

...Post reporters who broke
the story so many years ago.

- Nice to have you here.
- Thank you for having us.

Let's just get right to it.

Who is...

...Deep Throat?

Uh, well, first of all,
we're not telling you.

Second, I was under the impression
that I would be the only guest tonight.

Well, I guess you're not, Bob.

You know, you guys
are getting pretty old now.

So, what's your point?

I'm wondering...

...are you ever going to tell
anybody who Deep Throat is...

...before you die?

Well, a lot bigger names than you...

...have asked us
who Deep Throat is, so...

I don't think we'd reveal it
on a little show like this.

You know what I think?

I mean, I'm just gonna
come right out and say it.

I don't think there is a Deep Throat.
I think you made it up.

- Yes, there is! Deep Throat is...
- Don't say it! He's trying to trick us!

I'm sorry, Bob.

Don't ever touch me.

- Bob, I said I'm sorry.
- Don't ever!

You smell like cabbage.

Oh, fudge!



Dear Bobby:

I'm having so much fun already.

I need you to concentrate.

- Dear Bobby:
- Hold on, hold on.

- Here's the reason...
- Wait.

Arlene, I need to have time
to review my letters.


- We have a deadline.
- I know.

I need to concentrate. Hold on.
Let me just look at them.

Okay. Dear Bobby:

Here's the number one reason
that I think...

Okay, I'm ready.

- "A."
- Okay.

Dear Bobby:

Here's the number one reason that
I think that you should choose me...

...Arlene Lorenzo...

...for the "Win A Date
With Bobby Sherman" contest...

- ...in Tiger Beat magazine.
- Hold on. Wait.

Number one: I love you.

And number two:
I just think you're cute.

B, B. Oh, my God,
they're both together.

But the main reason that I think
you should pick me, Arlene Lorenzo...

...is because we're soul mates, Bobby.

You are so brilliant, Arlene.

So, what do we have so far?

"Dear Bobb...


I think maybe I could type
faster than you.

Four more years!

Four more years!

- What are you looking at?
- Nothing.

You seem pretty interested in nothing.

Give me those.

Oh, yeah.

I'll take the one doing cartwheels.

What time is it?


Um... The gemstone is glistening.

The gemstone is glistening.

She's finally asleep!

The deadline to enter the contest
is midnight. We have to hurry.

We have to mail this letter. Go...

...so I can win, or I swear I'll die.

- Evening, Mr. Whipple.
- Evening.

Don't squeeze the Charmin.

- Hi, Dad.
- Hi, Georgie.

- Can I carry the Charmin?
- Yep, but no squeezing.

What did you do in the store today?

You should've seen it.

There I was, and these two ladies
were squeezing the Charmin.

This way, we can get back in
without having to go to the lobby.

So nobody'll ever see us
and tell my mom.


You're a genius!


Down, down!

It's Fat Freddy.

Shh! Shh!

That is so disgusting.

Go, go. Go, go, go!

What the...?

Oh, shit!

Max, call the cops.
Looks like we got a break-in here.

You know why I love Bobby?

Because he cares about people
but also about nature and ecology.

I need a status report.
Give me a 20 for gemstone. Over.

Jewel thieves.

- Really?
- Yes.

Hold it!

Get away from us!

Young people running wild
in the middle of the night.


By the time you're grown, you'll be
living in the Soviet Union of America!

She's still out like a light.

We have the suspects in custody!

It was a jewel heist.

See if you can get
any statements from them.



What are you two
doing up at this hour?


Last night, five men were arrested...

...in the Democratic Committee office...

...during an attempted burglary
at the Watergate complex.

It has been confirmed...

...that one of the arrested was
formerly an employee of the CIA.

Aren't you students excited...

...about visiting the home of
the president and the first family?

- Well, not really.
- No.

And after our tour,
we're having lunch at McDonald's.

I love McDonald's so much!

French fries! French fries!

He looks like he's wearing blush.

That guy has T.P. stuck to his shoe.

Hey, mister!

- Hey, you!
- Shorty, turn around.

Young lady, I am a very busy man.

Wait a minute, I know you.

Me too. But from where?

I don't know.

Do you sell corn dogs at the mall?

As far as you're concerned,
I have no identity at all.

As a matter of fact...

...I'm not even here.

He's way weirder than the corn dog guy.

And this isn't T.P.

It's a piece of paper with names
and amounts of money on it.

"CREEP list"?

I guess all the people
on that list must be creeps.



Let's go.

Jesus, Gordon,
they're just little girls.

They were in the Watergate
last night. They know too much, Bob.

I want to interrogate them.

I think you've done enough,
what with bumbling the burglary and all.

Just pay off all your guys
on that CREEP list.

Don't worry about that.
I've got that right here.

G. Gordon Liddy is not going to let down
the president of the United States.

Would you ladies like to see
the West Wing of the White House?

- Oh!
- Sorry.

This is fun.

Look at that b...


...when you think of your president...

...do you think...

...friendly thoughts?

I don't think
about him that much.

But when you do...

...you don't think...

...unfriendly thoughts, do you?

- No.
- No.

So you would never want
to do anything that might...

...hurt the president?

Never. No.

Because you see...

Excuse me, Mr. Haldeman.

It's your wife.
She says it's rather urgent.

Excuse me, ladies.

Hello, dear.

Mm-hm. Yeah, just putting out a little fire
here at the White House.

I can stop by the store
on the way home.

Mm-hm. A dozen? The poppy kind.

I'll tell you the problem.
The dog doesn't like me.

Kennedy and Johnson had dogs
that liked them. That's the problem.

Mr. President, maybe you should
show the dog more affection.

Maybe I ought to fire you!

Come on, boy.

Looks away. Doesn't look at me.

What'd I do to him? Nothing.

You're supposed to love me, Checkers.

Shouldn't you call him
King Timahoe, sir?

Come here.

Where's he going?

No, I am not uptight.

When did you start
talking like that, anyway?

What's going on in here?

Mr. President, if I may.

Look how cute you are.
Come here.

Come here, baby.

It's the president.

I mean, all I asked for
was a simple bugging, all right?

I don't know how many times
we've done that.

And here they go and screw it up.

Hi, puppy. Nice puppy!

Nice puppy!

Have you paid them off?

CREEP has made up
a list of who to pay off...

...and Liddy's taking care of it now.

Are you the president's dog trainer?

I'm John Dean,
Chief White House Counsel.


That's too bad.

Oh, thank you!

That one lives in the Watergate.

They were there
the night of the break-in.

Do they know anything?

I love your ears.
Look at the ears!

Sir, I've met yams with more going
on upstairs than those two.

Now, Bob.

I remember when...

When Julie and, uh,
what's her name, Tricia...

...were that age.

If it wasn't about makeup or
Frankie Avalon, they didn't give a hoot.

- Aw. You're the softest dog.
- What should I do with them?

I'll take care of it.

How're you doing, young ladies?

What are your names?

I'm Betsy and this is Arlene,
Mr. President.

Call me Dick.

Hi, Dick.

How old are you?

- Fifteen.
- Fifteen.

- Well...
- We have an urgent communiqué...

...from Anderson Air Force Base.


So cute.

Excuse me, I wasn't informed
that you are in the middle of...

What are you in the middle of?

One minute, Henry.

Uh, young ladies...

...I've got a proposition for you.

How would you two
be interested in being...

...official White House dog walkers?
What do you think?

- Really?
- Yeah.


Who are these little girls, Henry?

I don't know, but it doesn't
look constitutional to me.

Thank you!

- Thank you so much.
- We're gonna walk you!

- I'm so happy.
- Thank you. I'm really excited!

Sure. Very good.

Mr. President, really,
we have to make a decision...

...regarding offensive action
north of the 22nd parallel.

Bottom line, Henry...

...is we bomb them
or we don't, isn't it?

I wouldn't put it exactly in that...

I have something to say.

Go on, Arlene.

War is not healthy for children
and other living things.

- Yeah.
- Henry...

...that's the voice
of the youth of America.

Yeah, well, first of all...

...it wasn't a war
that this administration started.

Henry, Jesus, let's not start that.

Isn't there somebody
waiting out there for me?

The Joint Chiefs of Staff.
Let's go!

Welcome on board.
Hey, good to have you.

Mr. Haldeman, it's your wife.

Have a great day. Congratulations!

I don't have time to talk to her.

- You're starting another war!
- I don't have time to talk to her.

If you have a problem with Vietnam,
talk to Johnson.

- He's dead!
- Yeah, thank God.

Do we bomb or not bomb?
Let's get this done with today.


There they are.

Oh! Whoops!

I'm sorry!

We're coming!

Because of your thoughtlessness...

...we have missed the field trip lunch
at McDonald's...

...which the students on
the other buses are now enjoying.

We will return to school...

...for a cold lunch...

...in the cafeteria.

But we really did meet the president.
I swear to God.

And he did ask us to be the
official White House dog walkers.

Every lie is another brick...

...in the pathway to hell.

You're so stupid.

I hate you.

Guess what happened to us today?

What's the matter?

Your brother got his letter.

I got drafted.

Now you can get my room,
like you always wanted.

Betsy, are you okay?

I'm fine.

I was wondering what we'll do with
his crappy bed, dresser and nightstand.

You think the president meant it
when he said we could walk Checkers?

He's the president, Betsy.
He always means what he says.

We should bake him cookies.

Let's make Hello Dollies.
It's my mom's special recipe.

All's my mom says is that my dad died
in a car crash before I was born.

You've never seen
a single picture or anything?

She said it upset her too much,
so she threw everything away.


...no offense, but it's obvious
you're being lied to.

The whole story is way too convenient.

- Is the butter melting?
- Mm-hm.

Are you making those cookies?

Yes, but you can't have any.

- They're for the president.
- Oh.


Don't forget the walnuts, man.

So you really think
that my father could be alive?

Alive and famous.
It makes perfect sense.

He was probably married...

...and your mom had to keep it
a secret to protect his reputation.

How come there's little
green leaves in the walnuts?

Oh. Larry says they're just
from the walnut tree.

- Oh.
- Anyway...

...your dad could be watching you now,
his heart breaking...

...because he can't reach out
to the only person that matters to him:

His beautiful, darling daughter.

My life is so tragic.

Or it could be even worse.

What if you fall in love
and are about to marry...

...and you find out your
fiancé's dad is your dad too...

...and that you're brother and sister!

Oh, my God!

It's called incest, Arlene...

...and it's against the law.


We're here to play with Checkers.
The president knows about it.

You're not on the appointment list.
Please step back.

The president wants us
to walk his dog, Checkers.

Please step back.
If you don't comply, you'll be removed.

You are a meanie!

Stupid kids.

I'm cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!

I can't believe
I ate that whole thing.

You ate it, Ralph.

Doesn't anybody realize
that Kung Fu isn't Chinese?

He doesn't even look Chinese.
He looks like the mailman.

Why don't you go to Canada
like Mom says?

Too much information's coming in.
I have to maintain.

But the old drugs aren't working.

We need to create new drugs.

Have you guys
been eating those cookies?

We gave them
to Mom and Dad to taste.

They ate all of them
and started giggling and went upstairs.

I think they're having sex now.

I have an idea.


Let's ask the president
to stop the war.


How will we get
into the White House?

Unless you wanna keep the war going,
so you can have Larry's room.


Larry's a freak and all...

...but I'd be sad if he, you know...

- Died?
- Yeah.

I really hope that this works.

Of course it will.

You're the smartest person I know.

But you don't know anybody.

If you flirt with him...

...then I can stand off to the side
and do my special whistle.



I like your hair.
It's really "dry look."

Oh! Okay, stop that.

We have to talk to the president.

Code yellow, central corridor.

Code yellow, central corridor.

Aah! Oh, my God!

Ladies, this way.

Let's go.

Make sure photographers
are outside the restaurant...

...when I come out after lunch.

- Let me go.
- Keep moving.

Hey, German guy!
Remember us?

We're here to walk Checkers
and talk to Dick about the war!

Oh. Oh.

I know them.

Yes, that's all right. That's okay.
I'm familiar with these young ladies.

Well, I'm not "familiar" familiar.
I know them.

We've had discussions
about foreign policy and...

What, what?
Don't you give me that look.

I'll take responsibility.

I'll be the only person
who's willing...

...to take responsibility
for anything.

- I think I got bruised.
- Did somebody hurt you?

You have to remember
it took Charles de Gaulle...

...four years to extricate
himself from Algeria.

Not that I'm comparing
myself to de Gaulle.

- Wars are extremely hard to stop.
- You're right.

Rose, these young...
You're very becoming this morning.

These ladies want
to see the president.

Our president has the weight
of the free world on his shoulders...

...and he doesn't have time
to see any old person.

Hello, girls.

- How are you?
- Oh, hi.

- Come on in.
- The president will see you now.

Not you, Henry.

That's all right.
I'm late for an interview anyway...

- ...with the Nobel Committee.
- Right.

I'll be a monkey's uncle...

...if these aren't
the yummiest cookies I've ever had.

Thanks. It's a secret recipe.

Secret, eh?


...there doesn't seem
to be any point to it.

Point to what?

The war.

See, girls...

...we're fighting the Communists
because Communism is immoral.

That's the whole point.

Don't you think it's more important
what's going on here?

What do you mean?

Well, I mean...

...nobody at our school's
worried about Communism...

...but everybody talks about Mac
Washington because he got killed there.

- And Betsy's brother just got drafted.
- He's maintaining.

- He's maintaining?
- Yeah.

Good for him.

I just think people would like you better
if you stopped the war.

Well, don't worry your
pretty little heads. Okay?

I think we know what we're doing.

I guess so.

Yeah. Mm, mm, mm.

Can we walk Checkers now?

Yeah, go ahead. Have a ball.

Secret recipe, eh?

I'm feeling lightheaded.

These are scrumptious.

Well, I've gotta tell you,
I haven't felt this way in...



Again? They must never let him out.

I know. Would you look
at all that shit?

Oh, I mean, poo-poo.

I think it was left.

That's because you couldn't go right.

Well, let's ask someone.

Or not.

Come on.
Let's go, Checkers. Come on.

Who the hell are you?

Oh, um...

We're walking the dog, Checkers,
and we sort of got lost.

We went left because
you couldn't go right.

And we're looking
for the president's office...

...because that's who
we walk the dog for.

- We're really sorry.
- Shit!

Oh, I'm so sorry.
We brought your dog back.

We didn't know!

What in bejesus is going on?

All right, settle down.

What's going on, Bob?

They walked in on the shredding.

They actually saw
documents being shredded?


And the cash for the payoffs.

Checkers pooped.

The president's dog doesn't poop.
He "does his business."

- Um...
- Uh...

I'll take care of it.

I've got a way with young people.
They trust me.

Why were they shredding
all that paper?

Papier-mâché is a hobby of mine.

- Nice painting of a boat.
- Yeah.

Step right here, actually.

I want to have a little
private chat with you.

You know, today...

...you ladies gave me some very, very
good counsel in foreign affairs.

So in addition to being
official dog walkers...

...I'd like you to be
my Secret Youth Advisers.

Which means you mustn't
say a thing...

...about anything that happens
in the White House.

Do I have your word on that?

Okay. Okay.

Swear to God?

- Promise.
- Hope to die?

- Stick a needle in my eye!
- Stick a needle in my eye!


Are you sure, man?
Are we sure it's over?


...it's the president.
He's on national TV.

If he says the war is over,
I think you can believe him.


At 12:30 Paris-time today...

...January 23, 1973...

What's going on?

I'm gonna live.

They're pulling everybody out
of Vietnam. The war's over.

I don't believe it.

She's bumming...

...because her dreams
of being an only child are dashed.

Larry, stop it.

I'm not supposed to tell you this.

But Arlene and I are the ones who asked
the president to stop the war.

We did it because
we felt sorry for you.

You should be thanking me.

I just want you to know...

...whatever she's on,
I didn't give it to her.

Well, all right.
Grooving right along.

Betsy Jobs, your turn
to come on up and express yourself.

Current events.

I probably shouldn't be telling you this
because of national security...

...but what the heck.

Arlene Lorenzo and I...

...are Secret Youth Advisers
for President Nixon.

"... in addition to being the
official White House dog walkers.

It's fun being
a Secret Youth Adviser.

The president trusts us
with national issues."

We bake him cookies
called Hello Dollies...

...that he loves,
and are easy to make.

You get graham cracker crumbs,
sweetened condensed milk...

...and all this other stuff,
and you bake them.

But they're really good.

"I like being a Secret Youth Adviser
to the resident...

...because it means I am helping
to run the country. The end."

How dare you...

...come up in front of the class...

...and make up lies
about our president?

Absolutely wild.

And I really dug the way
you used fantasy...

...current events...

...and cooking in a kind
of tapestry of storytelling.

Thank you, Betsy.

That was real special.
Thank you. Give her a hand.

Thank you. Thanks.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Got the cookies?


- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah.

- I've been dreaming about these.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Bye.
- Bye.

What's that mean?


Oh. Good.

I mean, uh...


- Bye.
- Bye.

Come on, Checkers.

There's something different about you.

Why aren't you wearing your glasses?

Because I got contact lenses.

- Looks cool!
- Okay. Thanks!

Hi, Rose.

It is imperative
that we put a freeze...

...on nuclear weapons
of mass destruction.

Yeah, I know what nyet nyet means.

Excuse me a moment, Leonid.

Settle down, Checkers.

Hello, girls. How are you?

Are these what I think they are?

Nice to see you.


You gotta try one of these cookies.

I assure you, there's nothing
like them in all the Soviet Union.

Go ahead.

They're called Hello Dollies.

What are they?

What do you think, Leonid?

Hello Dollies, eh?

Sing something.

You know, girls...

...I think your cookies
have just saved the world...

...from nuclear catastrophe.


There you go, Leonid.
Hello, Dolly.


Come away with me.

But what about Pat?

She understands.

Arlene, watch out!

- Oh, my God! Are you all right?
- Uh-huh.

Quick, tell me what your name is!

Rhoda Morgenstern.

I am so embarrassed.

- I don't think anyone saw.
- Freak!

Has something been
on your mind lately?


There isn't some deep feeling...

...you need to confess
to your best and only friend?

What are you talking about?

- Just say it!
- Say what?

Just say it, because I already know!

All right, I love Dick!


This is everything about
him and us since we first met.

Okay. Here's me as his wife.

- It looks so real.
- Thank you.

- This is cartoon Dick.
- It's cute. I like that one.

This is our White House souvenir.

Oh. Look, I found these
old magazine clippings...

...with stuff about him
when he was young.


He's way more distinguished now.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

A jury today convicted
G. Gordon Liddy and James McCord...

...of eight counts, including burglary,
in the Watergate break-in.

Ugh. Enough already.
I am sick of Watergate.

And I am sick
of Woodward and Bernstein.

Who are they?

Snot-nosed Washington Post reporters...

...who are trying
to disgrace the president.

Anybody want some more Jell-O?

Yes, please. Here.

Betsy, look.

One more question, Mr. Liddy.

- The White House denied involvement.
- He's so familiar.

It's that weird guy!

- What was he doing at the White House?
- I don't know.

Done! We're going upstairs.

A spokesman
for the Administration once again...

...denied any participation
in the Watergate burglary.

President Nixon is said to be
in seclusion with advisers.

It's starting.

Goddamn it!

- Hello?
- Hello.

Mr. President, this is Arlene.


Yeah. Hello, Arlene. Yeah.

- I'm not waking you, am I?
- No, no. No, no.

- Uh, I'm a night owl.
- Oh.

What's the deal with
that Watergate thing?

- Do you know anything about it?
- Uh...

No. No, no.

No, no, absolutely nothing.
I don't know a thing.

No way, José!

Oh, because I live in the Watergate...

...and one time we saw
that Liddy guy there...

...then we saw him at the White House,
and now he's gonna go to jail.

Arlene, is there something
I can do for you...

...or your family?


There must be something you desire.

I have to go now. Good night.

My sweet prince.

I think he's a vampire.

But he doesn't even have a tuxedo.

Oh, Myrna, you are something.

You are really something.

Pat, will you stop snoring,
goddamn it!

My head is about to explode!

So you're the president's lawyer?


Why does the president need
a lawyer?

Good question. I, uh, just...

I don't know.

- It's you two.
- Mr. President.

The Attorney General
is waiting upstairs, sir.

Didn't I fire him?

It's the new one, sir.


- We're here to walk Checkers.
- Oh, my goodness!

I'm so busy that I sometimes forget
about the rest of God's creatures.

- Here. I'll be back after lunch.
- Okay.



We should leave a message for Dick.

Like what?


...I think it's time
you told him how you feel.

I can't.

Maybe he loves you too, but he
doesn't think you're interested.

If you care for him at all...

...you'll tell him.

Okay, you just have to go first.

Hi, Mr. President!

This is Betsy and Arlene.

We wanted to thank you for letting us
be your Secret Youth Advisers...

...and for, um,
letting us walk Checkers...

...and for...


I don't know what else for,
so here's Arlene.

She has something
very personal to tell you.

I love you.


I know that you have a lot
of things on your mind...

...because you're
the president and all. Um...

But I can't keep my feelings
inside any longer.

I've never felt this way
about anyone...

...not even Bobby Sherman,
who I adore...

...but now I realize that
that was just puppy love...

...and this is the real thing.

Hey, Checkers. Hi, sweetie.

I realize you're married and that
we can never really be together...

...but I'll love you forever.

Good boy.

- Poo-poo.
- Um...

...there's this song
by Olivia Newton-John...

...that I think best describes
the way I feel about you.

It goes like this:

And then there was that time...

...when you put your hand
on my shoulder...

...and I got this warm,
tingly feeling inside.

And I knew, right then,
at that moment...

They'll be back soon.
You've been on for 18 and a half minutes.

Oh. I have to go now. Goodbye.

I can't believe you were
talking that whole time.

- What did you say?
- Heh.

- Stuff.
- Oh. Ha-ha-ha.

It's personal.

I want to make sure it recorded.

Hunt's link to Colson is a problem.

I must've pushed fast-forward.

We can arrange for Hunt
to disappear in Latin America.

And we could always
un-disappear him if we want to.

Get down off of me, Checkers.

Get down off of me,
you piece of shit!

So let me tell you something.
We are going to use any means.

I just don't want this whole
fucking Watergate business...

...biting me in the ass!

You know the goddamn Jews
are out to get me!

I don't think
the president of the U.S...

...should be recording
conversations like that.

- Make it 8:30.
- Okay, Mr. President, will do.

Ooh, girls. Uh...

...did Checkers do his business?


- Excellent.
- Good, good.

I hope you left me
some of those yummy cookies.

Take care.

We have to go.

Oh, my stars!



Sounds very important.

It is.

Mr. President?

What is it, Bob?

I was wondering if you had
that package ready for me...

...to take home over the weekend?

Oh. Yeah, the musical tapes.


Bob and I are very big fans
of Guy Lombardo.

I taped them myself.

Let me know what you think.

I will, sir.

You were saying, Arlene?

We don't think you've been
completely honest with us.

If this is about
that Watergate nonsense...

...let me say once again...

...I had nothing to do with it, okay?

It's a plot created
by my enemies to disgrace me!

Those radical, muckraking bastards,
Woodward and Bernstein...

...at the Washington Post!

They're the liars here, you know!

Always hiding behind
the goddamn First Amendment!

Let me tell you something!

It won't protect them from me!

Actually, it was just about the dog.

You act like you like him...

...but we don't think you do.

What dog?

Now that you mention it,
people are talking about Watergate...

...and they say you lied.

And I'm Jewish.

I know.

I had you checked out.

There's probably more in there
than you know about yourselves.

- Even grades?
- Yeah.


...your parents' income tax returns...

...overdue library books.

The whole kit and caboodle.

Is there stuff
about my father in there?

Who was he?

A lady's shoe salesman
at Garfinkle's or some such place.

Got hit by a garbage truck
at the age of 24.

Your mom never said
it was a garbage truck.

Strictly small time.
Never amounted to much.

Well, at least he wasn't a liar.

We heard that tape!

- What'd you hear?
- You kick Checkers!

And you're prejudiced,
and you have a potty mouth!

You're a bad man!

You stinking little idiots,
get out of here!

And don't ever come back here again!

You don't mess with the big boys!

Betsy. Arlene.


I would like to apologize
for his actions.

He's been under
a lot of stress lately.

It's too late. We're not friends
with him anymore, period!

And if you stay,
you're just as bad as he is.





It's gonna be okay.

I hate Dick!

It was stupid of me
to fall in love with Dick.

What was I thinking?

Dick just disgusts me now.

You know, Arlene...

...Dick meant a lot to me too.
But I've been thinking...

...you can't let Dick run your life!

Do you mind?

We're having a personal conversation.

What happened?

Larry wasn't at Jake's house.
Larry was at a porno movie.


- Hi, Daddy!
- Hi.

Hi, girls.

Would you mind
going upstairs for just a minute?

I don't understand
the title of that porno movie.

"Deep throat" means...

...when the woman puts
the man's penis in her mouth...

Okay, what now?

Prank phone calls?

Okay, who?

Miss Spinnler?


Sean Freshman?

- No, we always do him.
- Um...

I know, I know! These guys!

The "radical, muckraking bastards."

These are the guys that are writing
all that stuff about Watergate.


- Oh, and this one's kind of hunky.
- Gross.

Well, you liked Dick.

- Washington Post.
- Hello.

I'm the daughter
of the British ambassador...

...and I have some very important
information concerning Watergate...

...for your newspaper.

One moment.

- I'm on hold!
- Okay.


I can't. I can't.


Hello? Hello.

Who's this?

I just told you. Bob Woodward.

Oh. Um, good.

We, um, know things.

What kind of things?

About Dick.

I mean, the president.

On the record?


Can I use your name?

Heh. They don't get that it's a joke!

- That just makes it funnier.
- Okay.

Unless you go on the record
or have documentation...

I have deadlines.
This is the Washington Post.

A documentation.
Like a piece of paper.

Yeah. Yeah.

We have a piece of paper.

Hold on. We have a list of creeps.
We got it at the White House.

A list of creeps?

Uh-huh. C-R-E-E-P.

The Committee to Re-elect
the President.

It's to Haldeman. It has a list of names,
amounts of money and dates.

Go ahead. What do you have?

It's Magruder, Barker, Brown...




Okay. Okay, can...?


Can I help you?

- I'm cool.
- I'm sorry, go ahead.

Right. Uh-huh.

Go away!


You actually have this document
in your possession?

Yeah, it's sitting right here.

But the only problem is that...

...we drew all over it and I dropped
my grilled cheese sandwich on it...

...so it's kind of rank.

Benji, stop it. Get off!

Are you insane?
Or are your pants too tight?

Who are you talking to?

A source with proof that the Committee
to Re-elect the President...

...paid off the Water...

Paid off the Watergate burglars.

And the White House knows about it.

You can't have
that conversation on the phone.

It's too dangerous.

- Arrange a meeting.
- Okay.

Ow! That really hurt me.

That really hurt me.

Could I meet you?

We've been too permissive
with you, young man.

From now on,
we're watching you like a hawk.

Not around here.

Right, you're being watched.
I understand. Um...

There is an underground
parking garage...

...on A Street and York Avenue.

Across from Garfinkle's.

We can go shopping
after we meet them.

Yes. I can meet you there
tomorrow at 9 p.m.


How will I know you?

That's for me to know
and you to find out.

What are you staring at?

There's yelling. Are you in trouble?

Give me a name, so when you call next,
I'll know it's you.

Deep Throat! Aah!

Deep Throat!

Carl Bernstein. Tell me your story.

Up yours, man!

Deep Throat! Come here,
Deep Throat boy! Come here!

- Deep Throat!
- Deep Throat! Deep Throat!

They hung up.

- What are you doing?
- It's cool.

- What are you doing?
- Helping you out.

I swear to God...!

- Deep Throat boy!
- Deep Throat! Deep Throat!

- You're horny! Horny little pervert!
- Pervert!

- All right, he's not here. Let's go.
- Okay.

You're Deep Throat?


We both are.

How old are you?


Is that your combined ages?

There's no need to be snotty.

I'm just trying to imagine here,
what exactly...

...is your connection
with the White House?

We were the Secret Youth Advisers.

And we walked the dog.
And Arlene was in love with Dick.

Okay, I don't need to hear
any more of that, really.

Were you followed?

What are you doing here?

I came to make sure
you were all right.

You did not!

You're trying to horn in on my source.

How come you get to meet Deep Throat?
I'm the one who saw that movie.

Hi, I'm Carl Bernstein.

You're supposed to check phone records.

It gave me a headache.

- Stop whining.
- I'm not whining.

Yes, you are. You're whining.

- We've talked about this.
- Hey.

Are you interested in the story or not?

- Yes.
- Yes.

At first, we thought he was really nice.

Then we heard him saying mean things
about Jews and using foul language.

We realized he was a jerk.

A jerk.

We could hear him kicking the dog
on the tape.

There's a tape?

He records everything. It's in
Rose Mary's desk. He's paranoid.

What else did he say on this tape?

They talked about hiding...

...some guy in South America
because he knew about Watergate.

Uh, let me get this straight. You're saying
the president of the United States...

- Of America.
- Of America...

...the most powerful country
in the world...

...is involved
in this Watergate cover-up?

- Yeah.
- I guess.

Who is he talking to on this tape?

- Um, Erlichman?
- No.

- Hurlichman.
- Oh, yeah.

- No, there isn't a Hurlichman.
- Yes, there is.

There's not a Hurlichman.

There's a Haldeman.
And there's an Erlichman.

Wait, wait, wait.

The guy who's, like, kind of fleshy...

...who wears horn-rimmed glasses
and a cheesy dark suit.

It sounded like him.

Show me which one.

I never realized how much
they all look alike.

The document you mentioned on
the phone, it was written to Haldeman?

If we publish that, we could nail him.

Give me skin, Daddy.


- We don't really have it right now.
- What?

The dog ate it.

The dog ate it.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Great. You know, I don't need this.
I went to Yale.

- Ow.
- Sorry.

Hey. We could've gotten grounded
for sneaking out.

If we could get that tape...

But it's in the White House.

You know who else is
sexy is Robert Plant, from Led Zeppelin.

- Ew. He reminds me of my brother.
- Oh.

Your brother's not that bad.
Not that I like him.

I can't run this. You don't have it.


I might be willing to take the risk
on these other names...

...but not on Haldeman. My God!

He's the man who controls access
to the leader of the free world.

There is another source.

You mean, your what-do-you-call-it?

- Hand Job.
- Deep Throat.

Yeah, Deep Throat.
Well, tell me about Deep Throat.

Well, "he" links the president...

...to the burglary...

...and to a cover-up.


What branch is he in?

E... E... Executive.

How high?

About yea high.

Don't do this to me.

Get some more sources
on those names.

Bring me in some hard evidence
and nail it down.

Some people think
that Mick Jagger's lips are gross.

But I think that they're sexy.

They're like this big couch
made out of skin.

- You're so hard rock now.
- No.

- Yes.
- No.


That van's been right behind us
since we left school. Don't look.

I have to.

- We're being followed.
- By who?

I don't know. Do you think it's Dick?

Maybe he knows we talked to
the "radical, muckraking bastards."

He couldn't know.

He could.

Dick frightens me.

Hello, this is Bob Woodward.

And Carl Bernstein, Washington Post.

Carl's on the other line. We have
a few questions we'd like to ask you.

Oh, girls! Arlene, Betsy!

We can't talk now.

We need to know some names from
that list you had. Do you remember any?

We're under a lot of pressure too.

It's okay.
You don't have to name any names.

- Don't answer.
- We'll say names.

We'll count to 10. If you don't
hang up, that's a confirmation.



I'm so sorry to interrupt you.

- Go!
- Just go with it!


I asked you to come to dinner
15 minutes ago.

Now your TV dinners are ice-cold.

In fact, they're frozen again.



So come to the table now,
or I'll never fix you dinner again, ever!




We'll be right there, Mom.


Thank you very much.

- Whoo!
- Yes! Yes!

They hung up.

I'm sorry, Janet.

- You all right?
- Yeah.

You scared us to death!
What's the matter?

You little lying sacks of shit
are the matter!


You guys gave us bad information
on the phone.

The names on the list?

We printed it, they denied it,
and our other source backed out.

Now everybody thinks
that I'm a schmuck.

What names?

The names. The information.

Listen, people are counting on you.

You're big-shot reporters. Can't you
figure anything out for yourselves?

How could you let your dog
eat that list?

You're ruining my life!

We have a very important report
on turquoise jewelry due in two days...

...and we can't find books on it,
and the president is having us followed.

- It's too much pressure.
- Just leave us alone!



I'm in here, dear.

- How come you're home so early?
- Oh...


...I've met someone.

I've met someone.

Here he is.

Hello, Arlene.

How did you know my name?

It's embroidered on your blouse.

Oh! Ha, ha.

Mm. Mmm...

It's really so funny how we met.

I was in the market at lunch and we
literally just crashed into each other.

I said, "Excuse me, your peanut butter
is in my chocolate."

And I said, "Your chocolate
is in my peanut butter." Ha-ha-ha!

Oh, my gosh.

We haven't been separated
since then.

Well, until I used the bathroom
just now. Ooh!

Roderick, you're such a treasure.


- Honey, did you leave the door open?
- No.


We've been robbed.

My grandmother's pearls!

My stash!

Are you absolutely positive
nothing is missing?


I don't understand it at all.

My jewelry case wasn't touched,
but they ripped apart the sofa cushions.

I need a drink.

Maybe they just didn't like
my wife's taste in decorating.

If I didn't know better, I'd say
someone was looking for something.

- I can't imagine what.
- We're just a normal family.

Okay, I wouldn't go that far.

They only stole
the Hello Dollies recipe.

Not jewelry or the TV
or Larry's pot or anything.

It's too much of a coincidence.

Your house gets robbed, and my mom
gets a boyfriend the same night?

Why don't you like him?

Because I think he's a spy for Dick.
No guy like that would go for my mom.

Hello? I...



I'll buzz you up
so that my mom doesn't hear.


Betsy, what are you doing?

- We're being bugged!
- What?

The president of the United States
is bugging our houses...

...and spying on us!

What did you just say?

It's a line from a song. It's:

There's a man from the Washington Post
on the phone for you.

- Hello?
- It's Bernstein from the Post.

- No. No.
- The information you gave...

Um, no.
We're not interested in a subscription.

Thanks, no.

No, we prefer the news on TV.
Thank you.

I thought we already got the Post.

You know, there is something
very strange going on here.

I know there is.

And I don't want to know
what it is. Okay?

And in all my years
of public life, I can say...

...that I have
never, ever obstructed justice.

This is all his fault.

The people have got to know...

...whether or not
their president is a crook.


...I'm not a crook.

He's trying to drive me insane.



Oh, my God!

We have to get out of here!

- Oh, my God!
- It's okay.


Oh, my God!

So these girls are a threat
to national security?

According to the president.

How dare those people keep treating us
like stupid teenage girls!

We are stupid teenage girls.

No, Betsy, we're human beings.

And we're American citizens.

And fourscore and seven years ago,
our forefathers...

...did something.
I don't know what.

But I do know one thing:
Dick's ass is grass.

Where are we going?
What are we doing?

If Haldeman has the tapes
that Woodward and Bernstein want...

- ...we're gonna find them.
- Okay.

This is it.
This is Haldeman's house.


Look, there's somebody there.

Haldeman must have a son.

Wait, let me see.

- Ahh...
- We have a mission.

We have to figure out a way
to get inside and find those tapes.

Don't worry, Arlene.

I'll do it.

Oh, hi.

Do you remember me?

- Betsy.
- Betsy, right.

From the Homecoming dance.


You wanna make out?


Are you all right?

I'm fine.

I need to go to the bathroom.
Will you excuse me?



What's going on here?

Beer bong?

I'm tripping heavily already.

You know...

...I really like you.

Don't talk to me.

Kiss me.



Anybody home?


Oh, my God, it's so terrible.

- Dean's leaving. Mm-hm.
- Jesus!

- No. No, no.
- He's leaving, all right.

Dean's a team player.
He's not gonna cave in like that.

No, I just don't believe it.

You better!
It'll be in the paper tomorrow.

I talked to Dean,
and he said it was true.

It's happening. It's happening.
It's real, man.

Well, I guess...

...the shit's hitting the fan now?

- Damn right it's hitting the fan.
- Yeah.

- Ow, ow, ow!
- What's the matter?

Something's in my ass. Ow.

Am I bleeding?

You're fine.

Figures that the pain in my ass
is Nixon, the fascist.

He's your dad's boss.

My dad's an arms manufacturer.

Aren't you Haldeman's son?

No. That's Brad.

I'm his roommate at school.

He's at the dermatologist.

But this is his house, right?

Yeah. What the hell's going on?

Did we meet before or not?

So you don't remember?

I remember like it was yesterday.

That's funny...

...because we never met.


I just saw you on the street
and thought you were cute.


- Mm-hm.
- Heh, heh.


You're hot.


Liddy says...

...that these prisons are...
Heh, heh.

They're like Club Med,
just like Club Med.

Well, I have...

...a particularly incriminating tape
I brought home.

I should give that a listen.

Sure. Yeah, I'll say hi to the wife.

- Take care.
- Okay. You take care too.

Whoa. Sorry, Mr. Haldeman.

That's okay, Chip.

Uh, who is this?

This is Betsy, sir.

Betsy. Hello.


Wait a minute.

I know you.

You're one of those dog...


Oh, my God!

Come back here, you little bitches!


- Hm!
- Ha-ha!

It's not right.

Sources are sources.
Just because...

How goes it, paperboys?

Not too good.

Well, your luck's about to change.

The president knew about it for sure,
for absolute sure.

- That's the tape.
- It's the tape.

We finally have goods on Dick.

Bob, Tricky Dick's going down.

It's unethical to take possession
of the tape if it's stolen, but...

You can't have it anyway.
It's our only souvenir.

But we copied it down.
Thirty words a minute.

I passed typing.

A lot of people want to know
who our source is.


We'll be famous.

But we've decided
never to reveal your identity.

- For our own protection?
- Uh-huh.

No. It's just too embarrassing.

Dick's going down. Hey!

Dick is going down!

In a series of events
that rocked the nation...

...the White House accepted
the resignations...

...of Presidential Counsel John Dean...

I can't believe this Watergate business
runs so high up.

You have no idea.

I realized one day...

...that if I stayed...

...I'd be just as bad as he was.

I'd say these people are gonna
cost a million dollars...

...over the next two years.

We can get that.

You can get a million dollars,
and you can get it in cash.

I know where it could be gotten.

What in the bejesus is that?

I can't keep my feelings inside
any longer.

- Oh, no.
- I've never felt this way about anybody...

- ...not even Bobby Sherman...
- A 15-year-old.

Oh, Jesus!

And that this is the real thing.

Watergate, my ass!

They'll crucify me if they hear this.

Checkers, shut up!

Or I'll feed you to the Chinese!

Erase this shit.

What's that smell?

Hello Dollies!

Where'd you get the recipe?
It was stolen.

It's on the label
of every can, lamebrain.

- Oh.
- Except...

...for one special Larry Jobs addition.

I keep them mixed up with the walnuts.

You said these were
just walnut leaves.

I lied.

But the president ate those.

Right, your pal, Tricky Dick.

No, really.


Maybe that's why he's so paranoid.

Betsy. Betsy.

It's happening.

- What?
- Come on.

Throughout the long and difficult
period of Watergate...

...I have felt it was my duty
to persevere...

...to make every possible effort
to complete the term of office...

...to which you elected me.

But as president...

...I must put the interest
of America first.


...I shall resign the presidency...

...effective at noon tomorrow.

Vice President Ford will be
sworn in at that hour...

- It's gonna be different now.
- ...in this office.

They'll never lie to us again.

Isn't it against the law
to cut up the flag?

- Not if you sew it back together.
- Oh.


We look so fantastic.

- Oh, my God.
- We gotta hurry!

- Got it.
- Come on.


You suck, Dick! Ha-ha-ha.

Whoo! Bye-bye!

Bye, Tricky Dick!