Dügün Dernek 2: Sünnet (2015) - full transcript

RIGA, LATVIA

WELCOME TO THE WORLD, MATIAS.

Çeto.

Flip him over.

Pull the rope.

Easy!

-Tie his legs.
-Tie those legs.

-No red eight then?
-Yes.

Why not say so?

Kids in the back.

Kids in the back.



RIGA, LATVIA

I was amazed when I first heard it.

Sivas is in shock.

Those two were inseparable.
Beats me how it came to that.

Translate, Tarık.

OK, don't get into personal stuff.

He moved on to the gossip columns.

He says it is really over
between Victoria and Beckham.

Get to the circumcision.

To the circumcision.

-Circumcision?
-Yes, circumcision.

Let me explain.

It's when the foreskin is chopped off
a boy's reproductive organ.

Tarık, translate.



How, Dad?
I didn't understand the Turkish.

Lamb pilaf, compote,
saffron rice pudding, delights.

He's staring blankly. Translate.

Dad, Latvia has one of the world's
lowest circumcision rates.

It's like cosmetic surgery here.

-Circumcision?
-Look.

Look. All done with the damage
and ready for marriage!

Ah, circumcision! I know a few men
who've had it done and they're happy.

I'd say go ahead if it gets in the way.

Don't laugh. What did he say?

He has a few circumcised friends.
They're happy with it.

He says go right ahead if it bothers you.

Not me.

Him.

Me?

No! No!

How do you say
"have a nice day" in Turkish?

I know from that blank look that
that was a question.

But I don't speak Latvian.

Çetin. Do you speak English?

Let me explain. I know enough to survive.
I can say "Don't kill me."

Don't butcher me. That kind of thing.

What's Turkish for "Have a good day”?

That's easy. Everyone knows.

Allahu akbar.

Allahu akbar.

-Allahu akbar.
-Allahu akbar.

So sweet when you say it!

Isn't she great?

In three days you turned this place
into a Quran course. Now stop!

You know what?

With two more days here I'd rack up
as much merit as going to Mecca.

What did you just teach the girl?

Have a nice day.

The other day they asked
how to say "good morning”.

So I taught them the Shahada.

I get up and the entire Latvian family
is making the confession of faith.

OK, it took a trick or two,
but you're booked into heaven.

Talk about luck!

We brought you here
so you might find a good woman.

And see what you do.
You're giving me stress again.

Who'd have thought I'd be the one
to spread Islam in Latvia?

God damn you! Get going, girl.

Allahu akbar.

Look, Tarık.

Tell the man
he'll drive me to violence.

Then he'll be the hero
and I the villain.

Tarık. Tell your dad

we can't choose to circumcise Matias.
He must decide for himself as an adult.

Let me translate. Dad, he says

I'll do anything İsmail says.

-I see.
-He says you're a gem.

A true man.
But he wishes you'd be less aggressive.

I'm going.

Çetin.

There is no God but Allah.

He's saying bon appetite, İsmail.

God, I'm about to die of joy.

Wait a second.

Snip, snip. Off with it!

Mom, say something.

Tarık, your house is gigantic.

You could wash a carpet in here. Imagine

with all the soap bubbles
on the floor. Right, İsmail?

We're not even on the same page.

Hatice, pack up.
We're on the first plane back.

And tell the embassy

Latvia is history for İsmail. That's it.

But we aren't done
with this issue yet, Tarık.

What did you take?

Bye then. Hatice.

Did you talk to İsmail?
It's like he's scheming.

-No, why do you say that?
-It just looks that way to me.

Dad, you're an embarrassing us.

What's with talking to yourself?

No kindred spirits, Tarık. Take a look.

İsmail.

You're talking to yourself,
but what about?

That's confidential. So confidential
it's for my ears only.

It mustn't leak out.

İsmail. You'll get antsy again
and up to no good.

Please.

I'm using the word
for the first time in my life.

Leave the circumcision thing alone.

-Circumcision?
-Yes.

What are you talking about, Hatice?

Go ahead, please.

No, no.

Thank you.

Wake up, friend.

I toss water to wake you
and you go: "Praise God."

I pinch you and: "Not now, girl."

I sing in your ear and: "Change it."

Do I have to wake you with a kiss?
I warn you, it'll be your wife I kiss.

Boogeyman!

Wake up, Boogeyman.

I'm honored you try to get rid of me
with a verse of the Quran.

I'm not the Boogeyman.

-Are you a D?
-A djinn? No, I'm the other D.

D-E-A-T-H.

The angel of death!

Give me a second for my ablutions.

It was an unplanned romp.
And the wife wanted it.

-Good grief.
-I was shocked too.

Then I couldn't resist it.

Please, stop. Enough of your private life!

What's your sex life to me?
The house is on fire.

-Get up fast. Put out the fire.
-There's a fire?

-Are you the angel of help?
-Help? I'm a thief.

Look.

Seeing as I saved your life

I get to keep everything I took.

Put out the fire.
Do I look like an angel?

You don't look like thief, also.
Turning up with a wheelie bag.

Sacks give me backache.

I slipped a disc. Three actually.
L4, L5, and L6.

I know about discs. Do plenty of swimming.

Swim as much as you can. It'll help.

Swim? Where? Is there a sea in Sivas?

-Lake Tödürge.
-You're right. The lake.

-You drank my water, too?
-I earned my water first.

Skip the song lyrics.
Leave the bag or I'll call the cops.

-Let me give you their phone.
-Go on.

Here.

I nicked that too.

Get up. Put out the fire.

Where's the fire?

At last she's asleep.

I'd like to launch in like the colonel
who persuades Rambo to surrender.

But my hands are tied.

In our tradition, a grandad
has his grandson circumcised

sends him to the army
and sees him get married.

-So, here we go again.
-Circumcision is first up.

I'm not failing right off.

I'm not having anyone in the village
say I couldn't get Matias circumcised.

We should've picked his name.
What kind of name is Matias?

It's like three guys using their initials
to name a new company.

Matias. Mahmut, Timur, Asım.

Could be a car stereo brand.

And I fought so hard
for him to be called İsmail.

I said it's the name of our forefathers.

But they wouldn't listen.

Anyway, we need to get
the team together again.

Are you on board?

Do I have any choice, İsmail?

-No.
-Well.

But we have a problem.

Yılmaz is defect. Fikret's in the asylum.

And our teacher, Saffet, got rich.

Which one do we start with?

Did you get yourself a second wife?
Who set this table?

I did. And I did such a great job

that I signed the tablecloth here.

-Who's going to eat all this?
-I am.

-You have guests coming?
-No.

I thought I'd have breakfast alone
with just me.

Check the fridge if you're hungry.
But we're out of bread.

I took a note of this, İsmail.

İsmail left me hungry.

Well, well!

The gang's back together.

Where are you going?
Sit and eat your bread.

We're visiting a pal. Enjoy.

Don't touch anything here.
Eat what is inside.

D4 to D5.

This is the hospital storeroom.

But we followed their directions.
I don't get it either, İsmail.

Follow the signs.

THE THEORY OF EVOLUTION

SUMMER, SPRING, WINTER, FALL

Çetin. Is this the room?

It's not a room.

-Fikret. How are you?
-Kaput.

They do repairs here.

So, you got admitted too?

It wasn't me who snitched.

We came to get you.

What, what, what?

Is there a wedding?

Or you wouldn't be here. In that case

Weddings go on, Çeto.

Let's go.

Come on.

Come on, get yourself together.

It isn't that simple.

We need to check

if the patient's ready to leave.

Hello again. Hello, Fikret.

Tell me, what do you see here?

Focus and say what you see
and let's get out of here.

A small cylinder.

-What about here?
-A big cylinder.

I don't feel good.

I don't feel good at all.

Bring me a serum fast. Run. Quick!

I don't feel good.

-OK, what do you see here, Fikret?
-An industrial cylinder.

What are you saying?
Don't you want to get out?

I'm saying whatever I see, God!

He's right again. Look.

They're pictures of cylinders?

I did it to confuse him.
He got them all right.

They're like my kids.
I'd recognize them anywhere.

So is our patient better?
Are you letting him go, doctor?

-Sure. Just one more...
-Çetin.

Quiet! Doctor, my ass!
He's my old roommate.

He's crazy. The thing's a scam.

-I kept quiet as it's kind of fun.
-You ruined it, Fikret!

Well, I'll be damned.

God in heavens.

Fikret, pack up. We're going.

I don't get it.

We're going. They'll let you go
if a guardian signs.

-You lost me.
-We signed for you.

We're responsible for you from now on.

If a signature gets me out,
where were you for the last two years?

I'm not coming.

So what should I do? Go get a serum?

I could use some myself.

And we signed.

Why won't you come?

-Did you like it here?
-I can't stand it.

-So?
-Lean over.

They use natural gas, İsmail.
I see no cylinders.

I wonder how my cylinders are doing.

The big ones can look after
themselves. But the babies?

Aren't they letting out gas? Any leaks?

No. They're doing fine. Just fine.

Is that so?

One condition.

Remember the girl at the Sivas Hotel?

Fix me up with her.

I'm going to make her my wife.

Which girl?

This girl.

You know my weakness.

A wedding means festivities.
I can't resist it.

-We're going.
-Wait. Let me get ready. God!

You mind getting me
some L'Oréal Excellence 101 bould...

I got you in the mouth? So sorry.

Boulder black, 101. Not 02.
That comes out purple. Makes me crazy.

Not wedding-like.

Saffet.

Great to see you, Fikret. Welcome.

Thanks.

-Hello, son.
-Hello.

Look, he's moved to tears.

The hell I am!

What's with the onions?
My eyes are watering.

One hello and I'm in tears.
It's like dragon's breath.

Cut down on the onions.

-Who are you?
-Saffet's dad.

-Me too.
-He's the step-dad.

He married my wife
the minute we separated.

Just for the money.

-Shame on you, Mr. Sadık.
-And he calls me mister.

He's also my cousin.
We grew up in the same house.

We're almost brothers.

It's all about money.

That's nonsense. I loved your wife.

At least don't call her my wife.
She's yours now.

How long has it been?

İsmail. I'm going back.

You get fewer kooks
in there. Hey, asshole!

He knows himself right off.

I thought you were an orphan
educated by the state?

I was when I was on a teacher's wage.

But when I got rich
I suddenly got two dads.

I wonder how many mothers I have.

Teacher. Open the door.

Fikret, get in the car.

I say the real dad was too heavy
on the step-dad. I didn't want to meddle

but the wife isn't blameless.
She shouldn't have been such a tease.

Drive on. That's the stuff!

Greetings.

"Warning. Beware of Fikret."
Who put that up?

Out! Two years is enough. Go!

Come early tonight. Beat it!

Hello, pretty woman at the Sivas-Hotel.

-Hello.
-Miss!

-Hello, can I say something?
-Go on.

Can I kiss you on the mouth once?

Who has your reference?
Who do I officially propose to?

Make me a salty Turkish coffee.

-Need any gas?
-No, thank you.

-Need a whatsit?
-What?

-Padlock.
-Sure. I'll take two.

You want padlocks from the gasman?

What's so weird? We go to the pharmacy
to get weighed. How much?

Your cash is no good
here. It's on the house.

You treat customers padlocks?

No. You aren't a customer.
You are just a woman in the street.

And I'm a total jerk.

Want to be weighed on my scales?
Cute dog. Is it yours or rented?

Mine.

I have a Kangal dog.

Nicked from the next village.

I did a great job training him.

Dogs usually freak out howling
with the call to prayer.

Mine goes to the living room
to turn down the TV.

He warns anyone with crossed legs,
gets up anyone in bed.

I taught him customs and traditions.
Why laugh at everything I say?

You're hilarious.

Really? I only do it so you laugh.

Go fetch, boy.

Oh my God! He ate it.

You starve the dog?
He ate the stick I threw.

Anyway, I have to rush.

Your face is familiar. Have we met before?

I brought gas to the hotel a few times.
Maybe from that.

How can I help?

Hello. It's years since I saw
such a beautiful face, miss.

I'm into brunettes, petal.

Doesn't ring any bells.

-I'm Leyla.
-I'm Majnun.

So we're like Layla and Majnun, huh?

I found it funny.

I'm Gasret the fikman.
No, Fikret the gasman.

-Nice to meet you.
-You too.

Have a nice day.

The way you say it, Leyla.

It's like I'm at primary school
and we're told it's a snow day.

My heart's racing.

See my girl, Toraman?

Those of the mountain flowers

Take every chance you can, huh?

Rob me of any joy. Bravo.

May that cylinder burn every meal.
Give it back.

I have your mats
till you give back the bottle.

Gasman!

Gasman!

What?

Sell gas in your own village.

I'm back now.
No one will buy from you.

Gasman! Bring me two small cylinders.

Right on!

What's up? Scared, are you?

You're scared, huh?

Come here.

I don't have reverse gear.
But I have a mean kick.

Here, Hatice.

Get me some water, Fikret. Look, there.

I was parched, Fikret.

Many be those who water your grave.

Hatice, every one of your blessings
makes me shudder.

Don't mind if I drink the rest.

It's all yours.

May it relieve your torment in the grave.

Not again!

When did they let you out, Fikret?

-Pay up.
-Pay what?

Take the tray of cheese pie there.

-Cheese pie?
-Yes.

-For two cylinders?
-Stop babbling.

-Why...
-Shut up!

Being a motor mouth
can get you into trouble.

Got the message?

You didn't.

You're gawking like an idiot.

Let me see if there's anything inside.

Please do.

A question before we start the meeting.

İsmail, why does your wife barter
when she buys gas from me?

She gave me pie for gas.
I complained. She gave me your castoffs.

These don't fit.
They make me look crazy.

Stop rambling. Take those off.

Shame on you.

He only did what you said.
Don't get heavy with him.

It's not that.
Hatice gave him my only pajamas.

Don't panic. I have pants on underneath.

For God's sake.

-Çeto.
-God have mercy.

Sure. Can you look at me
when I'm talking?

I give your mom gas,
she gives me tubs.

What am I? Some plastics peddler?

OK, I'm crazy, but not that crazy.

I can tell plastic and money apart.
What do you think?

Must be a mistake.

My mom went to Mecca.
You must be confused.

OK, down to business.

Where's Yılmaz?

Not even the cops know.

Yılmaz is impossible to find.

But if you have money to nick,
he's sure to find you, they said.

I do. A ton of it.

What? Where? Where's the money?

Talk about fast!

-Yılmaz.
-Yılmaz?

Fikret?

-What?
-What are you staring at?

-The guy's passed out there.
-Fikret, wake up.

Yılmaz, what happened?

I am a chameleon, İsmail.

Why tell him? I asked the question.

I look different every day.
No one recognizes me.

Fikret didn't. I got gas off him.

Çeto didn't. I got change off him.

Not even İsmail did when
I trashed him in backgammon.

-Was that you?
-You said money.

Where is it?

Let me explain.

OK, remember for Tarık's wedding
I called Emel Sayın's manager?

The guy played the lottery
with the number I gave.

And he won the jackpot.

But he insisted on me having a share.
When he insisted I couldn't refuse.

We have plenty of money now.

Fikret.

Didn't I just see Yılmaz here?
I just passed out.

-How long was I out?
-Where's Yılmaz?

Must have gone to my place.
My keys are gone.

I'm not keeping all that money at home.

Whatever. Yılmaz will find us
when he can't find the money.

Let's not talk plans in public.
Everyone's listening.

I'll text you all to
say where we're meeting.

Now let's go.

Mom, I don't live next door.

You can't just summon me
whenever you feel like it.

Ever heard of phone?

But our line isn't safe.
It might be tapped.

Mom, you don't even listen to me
so why would anyone else?

I changed countries.
I had a four hour flight.

-Sure you weren't followed?
-Positive. And

-why aren't we telling Dad I'm here?
-Because I want you to spy on him.

He's up to something, Tarık.

I know these things.

Mom, you got so neurotic.
Leave the man alone. He's harmless.

Just listen.

We three sat together on the plane home.

I pretended to be asleep
and he told Çetin everything.

Your dad's obsessed
with the circumcision thing.

He won't let it go.

When you decided not
to call the boy İsmail

he got so upset about it
his jowls sagged right down here.

Serves him right. You chose well.

Mom, this isn't my thing.

I mean, I have zero skills.

I'm a disaster at anything physical.

Mom, I'm a total waste of space.

I can't shadow him.

You'll do as I tell you.

Last time your dad got up to no good,
two corpses left this village.

I'm not letting anyone die
over a willy that belongs to a boy

with a name like a cigarette brand.

So you're mad I didn't name him
after your dad.

My dad is your granddad, punk.

Good grief. The man begged you.

He begged you to use his name.

And he bribed me with 2000 liras.

Things were tight
at the time so I spent it.

What did you do?
Gave the baby a horse name.

If I had pleased you, I'd have
upset Dad and vice versa.

So you gave the baby another name
so we'd both be upset. Is that so?

Good grief. Come close.

-You're İsmail's son, aren't you?
-I am.

Bravo.

So think like him.

Where would they meet?
What would they talk about?

Come on, my prince. Have a think.

So if they want no one to hear

they won't talk anywhere public.

Their one option at this time
is the primary school.

And Saffet has the keys.
So they have to be there.

Garbage! Is that
the best you can do, idiot?

Go check all the bars in the village.

Where are they talking and about what?

Quick! Good grief.

Like it's the first time I smacked you.

-I'm 35.
-I spit on your age!

CIRCUMCISION PLAN

İsmail.

You cunning devil!
No one could guess we're here.

Why did you bring them?
This is a private discussion.

I hide nothing from my fathers.

God strength!

What are you doing?

For heaven's sake.
I have the keys to the place.

So hand them over!

I broke that window to get in.

What's with damaging state property?

You said you were loaded. You can pay.

You dropped your house keys in
the tea house. I found them. Here.

Yılmaz, I forgot to text you.

It's OK. You texted Çeto. I read that.

Çeto, you dropped your phone
in the teahouse. I found it. Here.

I dropped 200 liras in the teahouse.
Did you find that, strongman?

You had 60 liras in your pocket.
Don't lie, Fikret.

Now you have 20.
What happened to the 40?

How does he do it?

İsmail, Tarık's back.

He tells anyone
who sees him not to tell you.

-Are you sure, Çetin?
-Yes.

He saw me and said: "Don't tell Dad."

OK. Everyone sit down.

Go on.

The plan is as you see on the board.

Plain and simple.

We kidnap him and have him circumcised.

The end. Anyone not sure
about anything? Any questions?

-OK, we can go now.
-Sir, one moment.

How do we kidnap the boy?
He needs a passport, a visa, a ticket.

He needs Duty Free.
How do we get him here from Latvia?

We don't kidnap him from Latvia.

We kidnap him when he's
in Sivas, then circumcise him

-and take him back to his original place.
-How do we get the boy to Sivas?

Your mom's right.

When the doctor said

you have 20 days to live at most,
I got the old crew together

and asked for their blessing.

Dad, let's take you to a better hospital.
Get treatment abroad.

The setup's better there.
Maybe it's a misdiagnosis.

No, no.

It's TB, son. Tuberculosis.

-Get yourself together.
-Come here.

Don't let yourself go. Be brave.

And you accused him, see?

-I don't buy it, Tarık. But I'll pretend.
-Please, don't speak.

So is there nothing we can do, Dad?

-I ask just one thing of you.
-Go on.

I long for my grandson, Matias.

Bring him to Sivas.

Let me spend my last days with him.

Sit down. Stay there.

When I say that, they'll be aghast.

I'll hit them where it hurts.

Let's make this man our MP
at the next election.

He has the cunning to make Sivas
our capital city in three months.

The man's dangerous.

İsmail, at least say your last wish
is for your grandson to be circumcised.

And don't dump it on us.

But they'd know right away he was lying.

I'm into this, İsmail.
I'm defending the plan.

Bravo, teacher. He's right.

They won't suspect something innocent.
We'll use your money on a good deed.

We'll organize a mass circumcision.

A mass circumcision?

So we circumcise every boy in Sivas
just to get your grandson circumcised?

We go to the ceremony.
We kidnap the boy, circumcise him

and return him to his table. Solved it!

100 points!

He thinks any writing on the board
is a question to be solved.

Idiot!

Tomorrow we go to the town hall.

We organize the ceremony
with the municipality.

-As an official event.
-Yes.

This is making me nervous.
We might get trapped.

You get trapped in trapeziums.
We are all squares..

We're back here tomorrow night.
Now let's go to the mosque.

We can say we did night prayers.

Come on.

-I'm not clean.
-Neither am I.

I'm definitely not clean.

Fikret, please!

Can you not share your
private life in public?

Let's go, people.

Çeto, come here.

Come on.

Come here. This is Leyla's place.

Like it's a Mimar Sinan masterpiece.

Please. Let's go get some sleep.

I got all excited.
Come for the love of God.

You found my soft spot again. I'm coming.

Look, that's Leyla's dog.

Leyla lives in this house.

When I'm with her, time goes by like
a public holiday for a public worker.

Or summer for a lazy student.

I can't understand how fast time passes!

I dread that it'll end.

You saw the girl once this morning.
When did this happen? Woe are you.

No one knows another's woes.

You wouldn't understand.
Listen to my heart.

I hear snores from your heart.
I hear snores from the house.

There's a man in the house.
Let's go!

No way.

You got me suspicious. Can't go now.

Raiders get the prize.

What are you doing? The dog!

The dog ate out of my hand.

Dogs don't attack
anyone who's fed them by hand.

Right, Johnny?

Damn!

Pull. Come on, pull!

What a rip-off.

But this dog isn't normal. He's starving.

What dog eats fabric?
He ate wood this morning.

Are there no stones?

Don't do it. I vouched for you. I signed.

No! He threw it.

It went in through the open window.

The snores stopped, Çeto.
I guess I hit his head.

What the hell?

You bastard.

He threw a stone and ran.

-It's no use trying to catch him.
-Fikret?

Fikret needs a possessive
word when you are close by.

Leyla, this man came
and bitched about the snoring.

He said he'd silence it with a stone.

He said he'd throw something.

So he did. He threw the stone.

What? That's ridiculous.

I have 170 grams of flesh in my nose.

It was you snoring?

That's some snoring.

Every car alarm in the village went off.
Every dog was howling.

The old folk thought
Judgment Day had come.

Your dog went crazy and bit off my sleeve.

You made me laugh again.

Thank you for chasing off the guy.

-You've seen the girl. Let's go.
-Get back inside.

Leyla, I have a confession
to make. One second.

-Don't.
-Zip it!

-Don't.
-I have a temper.

-Fikret, don't.
-Don't make me use the F-word.

Kids, don't play here.
I'll burst your ball. Clear off.

Leyla, I saw you years ago
at the hotel you work in.

I ran straight to
the jewelry store that day.

And I got this.

The most expensive.
The thickest. The classiest.

-Pure gold.
-Fikret.

Then gold prices shot through the roof.

It's worth a fortune now.
Just wanted to thank you.

I won't cash it in unless I have to.

Any time. Glad to have been of service.

Çeto, hear that?

She said: "Any time.” Did you hear?

Good night.

You know what she really said to me?

It's like the tests got mixed up.
I'll live. I won't die.

My life got longer, Çeto.

I counted the days
The months, the years

I loved you alone
I'd made up my mind

If only we weren't Leyla and Majnun

Distance cast a shadow on our love

Forward.

İsmail, are you asleep?

İsmail.

Hey, are you asleep?

Dammit, are you asleep, İsmail?

What, Hatice? What is it?

Are you asleep?

You know me. I'm a heavy sleeper.

I'm asleep the second
my head hits the pillow.

Let's go to the doctor tomorrow.

Let me hear your story from the doctor.

I'm going to the town hall.

I'll get the results from
the hospital after that.

-I'm coming too.
-No. Look.

Whenever the doctor mentions
my illness, I start crying, Hatice.

-Really?
-Yes.

I don't want you seeing me like that.

I don't want anything happening to you.

May whatever happens to you happen to me.

You know what? İsmail.

I love you a lot.

-Me too, Hatice.
-Really?

You sweet thing.

I love myself a lot, too, Hatice.

I wish my life were a bed of roses

but that's fate.

There you go.

SİVAS TOWN HALL

Fikret.

Why did you bring that cylinder?
Leave it in the VIP.

They won't nick it.

It's for the mayor.
We can't go empty-handed.

Listen. What if Fikret waits here with
my dads and we three do the talking?

To be honest, Fikret might make trouble.

Right, teacher. I have that potential.

Fikret, you have fun here.
We'll be back in 30 minutes.

Then as I'm wearing a suit,
I'll take a selfie for my gazelle.

That girl shouldn't have
gone out onto that balcony.

You can't see the city.
I need somewhere higher.

A mass circumcision for charity?

You put me to shame.
It's so considerate of you.

Don't mention it, Mayor.
We wanted to do good in our hometown.

It's not an airport or a railway, true.

But we wanted to do some good anyway.

I feel ashamed, red in the face.

What a sense of appreciation!

I can't even look at you.

Is he crying?

Mayor, it's not a big deal for us.

Don't cry, Mayor.

I can't bear it.
I swear you'll set me off.

Don't cry.

This time we've scored. We've done it.

Don't cry, Mayor. Please. I can't bear it.

No. I feel so small.

It's too much.

Let me contribute too.

Got it! Let's ask all the TV networks and
show off the good works. Be an example.

No, impossible. That can't happen.

You're right. We need somewhere bigger.

People should watch in comfort?

You said all the news networks would come.

No. Really, we didn't.

Mayor, big things are happening
in the country these days.

Our slot would change every week.

He's right.
Our thing is no big deal, Mayor.

We'd be followed on
the internet, but not on TV.

-Right.
-Got it.

How about doing it in the stadium?

Why the stadium, Mayor?
Listen to yourself!

Mayor. If we do it there
while Old Trafford is there

the Queen will take offense.
Let's not risk the wrath of the Brits.

Mayor, our Nuri has a tea garden.

It has a sentimental value.
We do our festivities there.

-Right, İsmail?
-Yes.

-If it suits you, let's do it there.
-Sure. How could I say no?

But that leaves me doing nothing.

Next week I'll bring Emel Sayın
to the mass circumcision. OK?

-Yes.
-Yes.

She's just the ticket. Just the one.

After all that we keep moving in a loop.

How do we do it every time?
What is it about Emel Sayın?

Mayor, Emel Sayın
is a great friend of ours.

She's a close relative of Saffet's.
They're incredibly close.

Pardon my French,
but he never leaves my house.

-True that.
-17 unanswered calls, Mayor.

All from Emel. Emel, Emel, enough.
I stopped answering.

The woman does my head in.

What's up with you?

I'm thinking. Should we ask Nükhet Duru?

No, not her. No way.

Why?

The Mayor's asking.

Don't keep him in suspense.
He's no stranger.

Well, Mayor. Here's the deal.

We asked Nükhet Duru to work at
a charity but she didn't show up.

I erased her. She's dead to me.

She's no human. I'm mad at her.

Let's ask Mustafa Keser. He's solid.

Let me do something too if I may.

Wearing suits was bad.
He takes us for real gents.

-Go ahead.
-Run a press release, honey.

OK, Dad.

Send the municipal fleet into town
to do day-long announcements.

We've a mass circumcision next week.
Mustafa Keser will jazz things up.

And cancel the Nükhet
Duru concert next month.

Seems she let down
a philanthropist businessman.

Delete her contact details.
She's no human.

If you'll excuse me.

We just threatened the livelihood
of a woman we never met.

Bravo to us.

Hey! Are you going to jump or not?
If not, I'll turn off my phone.

-I'm low on battery.
-Come on, I'm just taking photos.

He's scared. He won't jump.
Don't block the storefront. Break it up.

Wait. He looks like a real man. Jump!

Are you firing me up to jump?
What kind of thrill-seeking is that?

You insisted on a place with a view.
So there you go.

-The guy's pissed on our wedding.
-God damn you!

Everyone's taking your photo here
instead of giving their gold.

It doesn't count. Another wedding!

Move aside. I'm a reporter.
Make way. Move aside.

He'll land about here. Here's chalk.
Draw this. It's more photogenic.

Help the police, Come on.

Clear the place. Do I have to shout?

Want me to break hearts?
Is this what you want?

We don't want anyone hurt.

Please surrender to the Sivas Police.
You're surrounded.

Please come down. Please.

OK.

We surrender.

Don't shoot.

We're real sorry.
The money's in the cupboard.

-What money?
-The money we nicked from...

What are they looking at?

Freaking hell! We totally fell for it.

They're not after us.

They said we were surrounded.
How could I know he was jumping?

I'm not jumping.
You should look before you leap.

He's right. We leaped before we looked.

So officer, you aren't after us. Can we go
back to the building? Or is that all over?

Take him in.

Take him in.

Come here, my man.
Here, I didn't kiss you yet.

Thanks. Wait, let me make
a statement. Who do I make it to?

Memorize that face.
He wrecked a plan years in the making.

That makes him my first nemesis.

Fikret.

I'm your guardian.
Please say you aren't in trouble.

Sure I'm not. I had a gang nailed
while you were in with the mayor, Çeto.

We were in there
for 30 minutes. When did you...

Shut it! Get in the car
and I'll tell you. Come on.

Friend. You're blocking the road.

We've been waiting here forever.

Sorry, Kerem. We're leaving right away.

-The mayor's business.
-No problem, my friend.

Anything I can do?

Kerem, pal. Drop me at the hospital.
I have a small errand there. Wait.

Get me to the hospital.

-OK, bye.
-Keep it safe.

Sorry, Mr...

Excuse me. Tuncay used to be here.
My primary school friend.

I came to see him.
To get him to do a whatsit.

-He's been suspended for malpractice.
-Really?

-An investigation's been launched.
-What investigation?

They can't find his diploma.
It's beyond worse.

Let me help instead.

What are those?

I had some tests done myself

instead of the doctor asking for them.
I'm a considerate patient.

An ECG.

-The ECG is clear.
-Yes. I just got it.

Let's have a look at the X-ray.

-Is this a real X-ray?
-Yes.

Tuncay always wanted a full X-ray.

Why have you undressed?

You said you'd examine me.

-I can do that with your clothes on.
-Good grief.

Why did Tuncay always have me strip?

Your money seems
to have got mixed up here.

I'd like a blood and
urine test for details.

No. Let me tell you
what's wrong. In 20 days

-I feel like I'll be dead.
-What exactly is your complaint?

My ribs are too small for me.
Too small and too tight.

My rib cage digs in.
It's like my flesh is shrinking.

My sides hurt.

I mean, it's painful.

I think I'm dying.

It's happening

very slowly.

I feel like I'll be dead in 20 days.

Good grief.

Do you drink?

Yes. What's on offer?

No. I mean, do you drink
in your everyday life?

On an empty stomach after meals.

I can't get my fill.

OK, let's be straight.
Don't you want to go to work?

You need a sick note?

Since straight talk matters to you
as much as it does to me

let me explain.

Rub the floor here with soapy water!

I can't do an impressive entrance.
It has to be a bit slippery. God!

Saffet, go easy on the money.
I have a wedding coming up soon.

Fikret.

You're counting your chickens here.

Rubbish. No, I'm not.
I tried. I can't count that high.

-What?
-I can't.

Leyla, honey, hi. Let's have your number
so I can call when it comes to mind.

-What the...
-Ms. Leyla's in the office. Wait.

Leyla! Leyla!

There's a gentleman here.
He wants your number.

Leyla's upstairs in the manager's office.

Leyla! Leyla! Someone wants your number.

-Bald.
-What do you mean?

I'm slightly thin on top
with a visible crown.

Sorry, I didn't hear.

The paunchy man
is asking for Leyla's number.

Paunchy? Go yell outside.
Let the whole world hear.

Leyla's in the sickroom,
but I can reach her.

No need, don't worry about it. Saffet

has left without a word.

Leyla. A bald, paunchy uncle type
is here asking for your number.

He may be a relative. Come take a look.

What do you mean "uncle"?

Can't you say a gentlemen at least?

Look.

Did I ask you for Leyla's number?

What I want from Leyla

is my phone. It's charging there.

-I'm really sorry.
-So you should be.

I'm in room 450. Resting
at the hotel. It's shameful.

By the way, like I said,
you aren't my type.

I'll send fruit to your room
to make up for it.

Please. Vegetables are appreciated, too.

Çetin, let's run to the car
like always for the exercise.

Çetin, take the lead. Move!

Run, Çeto!

Run! Çeto, run!

How come you bail when things get crazy?

Maybe we needed you there.

It was getting messy.
I have responsibilities.

I have two dads. In situations like that

you bail out.
It's called the withdrawal method.

The phone must be Leyla's.

I took the girl's phone.

I have it in my hand, Çeto.

I took the charger too,
not just the phone.

Casanova, eat your heart out. Bravo!

Tell your dads to go to the hotel
so we can give back the phone.

Why? I can learn stuff from
her messages and photos.

No way! That's shameful.

Plus everyone saw you take the phone.

I'll deny it. I'll just say it's a lie.

How can they prove it?

-This guy took the phone, Leyla.
-That's Fikret.

Why would he take my phone?

Don't be ridiculous, mister.

I'm a doctor. How can I make
a misdiagnosis of probable death?

Who's to say you won't be right?
I might surprise you and die.

-I have Hatice on my back.
-So that makes it OK.

Now, look. Take this

or whichever you want, OK?

Write "He'll die in 20 days”
on it and sign, that's all.

Please. Get out!
I'm bound by the Hippocratic oath.

Bread on your head and
a three days of fasting will fix that.

Who's Hippocratic? We'll handle that.

A phone call is best.
That's fine with me too.

-Keep the foreign currency.
-And bribes as well?

No, a formal donation.
You got me all wrong, girl.

No, please.

Stop it. Take it back.

A real, sane doctor
would never do what you said.

So someone insane who isn't
a doctor would do it? That's easy.

I pulled all the strings I could,
shelled out and got the best doctor.

Doctor, please say
what's wrong with my İsmail.

-He's dead.
-What? How?

Wait. I still have 20 days.

If you'd just let me finish.
He's a dead man walking.

-He has another 20,000 km in him.
-You don't mean 20 days?

Sure. I was using medical jargon.
Being a doctor.

Call it 20 days.

What illness does he have?
Do we know the name?

-Osman.
-Osman?

Yes, Osman.

I gave it my granddad's name.
He died of the same illness.

That's loyalty. True loyalty.

He names the illness after his forebear.

-I guess you're his spouse.
-No, his wife.

That's OK too. He's yours?

If no one else claims him.

-What's he saying?
-Go with him.

Here we go.

I was deliberately joking in there
to keep the patient's spirits up.

But the situation is grave.

He has adrenal gland failure.

-What's that?
-The common name is Cushing's syndrome.

It's in the final stages.

-Never give up hope in God, though.
-İsmail.

I did some sums.
A ceremony on that scale is big money.

Now the ambulance. It's no good.

That's no big deal,
but we keep vouching for crazies

and pulling them from the asylum.
Would we get in trouble?

Look.

Keep an eye on that crazy.
Don't let him go off-script.

-OK, let's go then.
-Go ahead.

My dear, sweet İsmail.

Hatice. Stop crying and help me up.

Here.

Are you OK? There we go.

-We go.
-Relax.

Look at you. You're crying.

And I was trying to fix things. Oh God.

Hatice, I have a small confession,
but you can't get mad.

You know you're dying
and got yourself another wife?

Hogwash! I can barely handle you.
Why would I come back for more?

You had a child with that wife
and you're putting me in charge?

Quick, confess. Is Yılmaz your son?

Who's Yılmaz?

Conman Yılmaz. He showed us a photo
of his dad. He looked just like you.

Hatice, get a grip.
Now look. Just listen to me.

You know that doctor who was just here?

-Fikret the gasman is your son.
-How can Fikret be my son?

He's four years older! God's sake!

-Never mind how young he looks.
-Then it's Tarık.

What makes you say Tarık is my...

Of course Tarık is my son.

Hatice, are you OK? Tarık is our son.

That was a trick question.

I'm not OK. I'm not OK at all.

The pillar of my home is dying.
The root of my mind. How can I be OK?

Let me kiss your hand.

-Hatice, wait. The doctor...
-If you go, what will happen to me?

-I'm talking about the doctor. Listen.
-What's that?

They confessed to all the crimes.
Bravo, Cemil.

No problem, Chief. I did my best.

Glad to have pleased you.

Why did you only
confess the heist at first?

The heist is all we did, chief.
They did good cop-bad cop on us.

A classic tactic. Opens all the doors.

The good cop was already convinced
we only did the heist, but

-the bad cop beat the good cop to death.
-He played it well but he overdid it.

Then he nicked the guy's wallet.
That's one super bad cop.

When the good cop was dying
he wanted to confess his faith

but the bad cop closed
his mouth to stop him.

-What's this?
-They're talking me up.

To get in with you.
So I win some recognition.

Are you crazy? Serhat!
Run to the interrogation room.

Take this maniac with you.

But Chief, let's not argue
in front of the offenders.

Soner Sarıkabadayı bought a boat.

I called an emergency meeting

because things are going wrong.

Good evening.

İsmail, Hatice followed you here.

No, she's a mid-season transfer.
She knows everything.

She's joined the side now.

-You aren't mad, Hatice?
-Why would I be?

My man isn't dying. He isn't dying!

To hell with his grandson
and the circumcision.

Then couldn't we meet somewhere else?

I always feel like bunking off on my way
here. I have a tracksuit on underneath.

Right, and we smoke
in the toilets. It's done me in.

But I paid a fortune for the toilets.
Don't you like them?

-I love them.
-So?

I told you, I'm in love with them.
Isn't that a problem?

I love them more than my life.

From now on we'll meet in the tea-house.

Yılmaz, did you get that guy's number?

-Yes.
-Hand it over.

I saved it on your phone. Dr. Tuncay.

Don't do things like that. I get nervous.

Yılmaz, what kind of guy are you?

Forty whores would never give birth
to a son of a bitch like you.

Money's corrupted me. Seriously.

Lines like that aren't my style.

-I'm sorry.
-Hello. Tuncay?

It's İsmail the blacksmith.

Did you change your number?
I got this from a friend.

I have a question.
Why did you make me strip for medicals?

I heard you need not.

Each to their own, İsmail.
That's my way of doing things.

-I have fun at work.
-You don't sound good.

Things are dire. Lawsuits and such.
They're going for my jugular.

-It sucks.
-Look, we have a mass circumcision.

It'll help you through.

The customer's loaded.
Pocket all the money you like.

Come on.
I'm spending this money faster

than Serdar Ortaç ever spent his.

You know the deal with me.

I'm driven to and from the venue.
I'm paid a small fee upfront in cash.

I eat, drink and fornicate.

I have a gambling problem.
You cover all that.

What's he saying?

If we hired a rock star
he wouldn't want as much.

-He's only a circumciser.
-OK, Come on. It's nothing.

Agree and we'll handle it. Say yes.

Know what, Hatice?
You're a man on a mission.

I'll pass you over to the guy
who'll pick you up on the day.

He'll call you, OK?

Save the number. We may need it.

Why save some guy's number
on the girl's phone?

I left mine in the car, Çeto. God!

I have it.

It's already here.

It's her dad.

My dad-in-law is tricky to the core.
Fantastic! We'll get on like best pals.

I'll pick up Dad then.
And conquer from within.

I didn't know he had a daughter.

Or that he was married.
I wasn't invited.

The girl's dreamy, but her fate isn't.
Tuncay's her dad, Fikret's after her.

-Say hi at least.
-Hey!

I just died of fright. Why are you here?

-Why's my phone with you?
-What phone? How did you find me?

-By the Find my Phone app.
-There is?

The cops, huh? Why the cops?

I beat up the kid who nicked
the phone and got it back.

-At least thank me.
-Quiet!

I checked the cameras and saw you.

There's no trust left between people.

What's with security cameras?

If I can't be taken at my word, what else?

-You used your photo as wallpaper.
-Yes.

Battery is almost dead, also.

-I left that for you.
-You downloaded paid games.

-So you played games on it?
-Blow up a cylinder.

-You called someone in Germany?
-I have relatives there.

A good Muslim looks after his family.
And why let so many credits go to waste?

You added your own number.
You even sent me texts and replied.

-You exchanged texts with yourself.
-Just testing if the phone worked.

Fikret, are you hitting on me?

Yes. Is that a crime?
Does the Constitution say

that Majnun Fikret the Gasman can't
hit on a young, pretty, single woman?

Let's take a look.

THE CONSTITUTION

Not that I can see.

I don't have time. I'm getting old.
I acted on the authority of the law.

I'll say it for your own good.
You have no chance.

I have no chance?

Sezgin. You're not Sezgin.

Look, don't you dare
underrate my qualities

-or I'll make you eat your words.
-That's your impressive speech?

Don't try this again
or I'll call the cops.

OK.

Won't you slam the door and walk off?

Without transport? Be useful
and take me home.

I married three times. All three lived
with me and I never took one of them home.

So why would I take home a girl
I have no chance with?

No way! Sweet buttery baklava.
Come on, get out.

Are you serious?
You're going to leave me here?

You think I'm that heartless?

Get out. You drive.

Here, drive yourself home.

This car's my livelihood.
It has dignity. Please.

What are you doing?

Say hi at least.

PUBLIC CONCERT
NÜKHET DURU

INSTANT CASH

CIRCUMCISION FEAST
GUEST ARTIST MUSTAFA KESER

Undo the thing, I'll stop by the girl.

-Sure.
-OK. Stick the steering wheel on.

Fikret.

What are you doing?
My God! What was that, Çeto?

Fikret, you know what? This really sucks.

Zip it! You wrecked the thing.

How do we fix?
Saffet's out of money again.

Tarık. Come on.

Here.

MUSTAFA KESER
CIRCUMCISION FEAST

Hatice. What's this?

It's like a team with a stadium ban.
Only women and children.

Why so? What did I do wrong?

Good thing you came, İsmail.
They're blabbing about you.

They'll be at my funeral
in days. What's left?

He doesn't look at death's door. Looks
like an ox. He'll outlive half of us.

The doctor told Seher she had
ten days but she's still alive.

-When was that?
-Ten days ago.

Is Seher that woman on the ground?

Seher!

Seher! Did she drop dead there?

Oh my God!
Couldn't you find anywhere better?

No. I must've dozed off. I'm fine.

God damn you! Hold my arm. You're frail.

Take a walk then. Good grief!

Hatice. Where's our Latvian family?

No sign of the grandson, huh?

They're getting fancied up at home.
Who knows what Tarık told them?

İsmail Bey, could we have a word?

Sure, Mayor. Absolutely!

Mustafa Keser is here. Backstage.

But we misunderstood his fee.

We thought the figure he sent
was his ID number. But it's his fee.

We signed a contract too.

Is there any chance you
could help with his fee?

Leave that with me. I'll fix it.
Mayor, you're the best.

Great house. Beyond sweet.
Out of town. No noise.

I'll move in as son-in-law.
Watch me fall into the family.

-Circumcision sure rakes it in.
-Why do I know the house?

Was it the one wanting two deposits?
No. I never paid one. Why then?

Here's my dad-to-be.

He looks familiar too.

Yikes.

Greetings. I'm Tuncay.
Why are there three of you?

Our corn back home grows this high.
That's corn for you.

We planned on two people
but I came for personal reasons.

-I'll explain on the way.
-Why two of you?

-Excuse me?
-Why two of you?

-Çeto?
-For backup conversation.

He's hung up about how many
we are, not the gas van.

-What was that?
-We came in a gas van.

No one's picked me up by helicopter yet.

It's one of my conditions. But

they stole my kit. My house was burgled.

No problem.

-I have a kit in my storeroom.
-OK.

Wherever it came from.
We'll pick it up on the way.

How do I know you?

Was it you who circumcised me?

-Would you know if you saw it?
-Probably.

-Saw what?
-My circumcision photo.

-Remember?
-How would I?

Cut it out and let's go.

Here, open it.

What's up with you?

We have private business to discuss.
No way. Jump in the back.

What do you mean your money ran out?

The guy printed flyers,
he had it announced.

He invited the governor.
It'll be a scandal.

We have to stand by the guy.

The outfits, food, organization

a whole new stage.

That meant construction, architects.

15 laborers worked. Things didn't
go as I hoped. The money's all gone.

Can't you spend more carefully?
Why do you waste it, squanderer?

Not left at all?

I put aside a bit.

That's for my funeral shroud.

What funeral shroud?
May God delay the fated day!

You're a spring chicken.
No health problems either.

You have years left in you.
And shrouds cost nothing these days.

I always wanted my son to be a teacher.

I sent him to school but it didn't happen.

Which makes you like a son to me.

No, forget like a son,
you are a son to me.

Son.

Call me dad.

Say it.

-Dad.
-Bless your mouth!

-Dad.
-My son.

I'll have that shroud money too.

You have designs on
that too, huh? No way!

It's not like that. We're all mortals.
We'll all die one day.

Let me check out the market
and see how much a shroud is.

About 400, 500

-Fuck it.
-Maybe 1000.

Whoa! What?
What kind of shroud is that?

You plan to get yourself mummified?

Come on. Let's go to
the bank and get the cash.

Why piss me off like that for no reason?

Move.

Then I brought up marriage He said:
"Why bother? You're young, handsome.

Go for a new woman every day."
Can you imagine, Çeto?

He called me handsome.
He'll let me marry for sure.

You're on totally the wrong track.
The girl would never look at you.

I say forget the girl.

Çeto. Leave me

in the care of Turkish women.

-Where did you serve in the army?
-Not yet.

My kids are still young.
Once they're married

and my mom's dead and buried, only then.

-Have you been in Sivas jail?
-Yes.

I served in the army there.

You're mocking me big time.
I just want a chat

to figure where I know... OK, got it!

Got it! I remember.

I robbed your house.
A fire broke out, right?

I slipped a disc. L4, L5, L6. Remember?

That fucking wheelie thief!

Come here!

-Come here!
-Stop!

-Hey!
-Come here.

Why am I running away, anyway?

Who are you screwing with?

Keep this guy away from me.

-Take him away!
-Yılmaz!

Take him away from me.

-I took him away, there!
-Not the cylinder, the guy.

He passed out anyway.

Yılmaz, please.
We're going to a mass circumcision.

And you knock out the circumciser!

And he messed with my well-being.

-He's my dad-in-law.
-He started chasing me.

He cursed at me.

He tried to hit me.

So I knocked him out.
What else could I do?

-Why did he want to hit you?
-I remembered how I know him.

I robbed the jerk's house.
Then I reminded him by accident.

You screwed things up, Yılmaz.

How can I get that girl?

Whatever. Then let's load
the jerk onto the truck

and call İsmail. No choice.

You're still laughing.

Call yourself a manager?
What kind of mistake is that?

Of course they won't pay. You put down
my ID number instead of the concert fee.

You know how many figures that is?

Of course they won't pay.
It's crazy money.

If they paid Tarkan that money,
he'd dance on the metrobus.

I knife someone for that!

I'm so sorry.
There was a mix-up at the town hall.

Please, mayor. It's my mistake.
Talking to the prick now.

Right? How would you know
we didn't have that much money?

But Saffet here has handled it,
a true altruist from my village.

Go ahead.

We thought at first
you'd sent your ID number by mistake.

That's an interesting view.

We worked before with Nükhet Duru.
She's so cheap. Barely asked for anything.

She had a concert next month.
The mayor canceled it.

Don't worry, Mayor. I'll come next month.

I don't want money either.
Is it the exact figure?

I've never seen such hospitality.

-Is that for real?
-Are you freaking crazy?

Sorry, Mayor.

Here, put this in the trunk.

I should nip outside,
check out the folk and the venue.

How about I burst into song
to warm up the mood?

Do you guys want anything?

Sandwiches, tea, soda, lemonade, yogurt?

No. Thanks.

What about sandwiches?

Is Mustafa Keser doing cartwheels?

Hello? Where are you?

İsmail, there's been a bit of friction
between Yılmaz and Tuncay.

-Tuncay is out cold.
-Low blood sugar.

No, when Tuncay turned out to be the owner

of one of the places Yılmaz robbed

Yılmaz knocked him out with a cylinder.

He'll come round.

Keep Yılmaz away from him.

Bring him here. I'll handle it.

-Fikret.
-What?

I talked to İsmail.
Yılmaz, you stay away from Tuncay.

-Find another car, in fact.
-I say find another car, in fact.

Kids, I say you need
to find another car too.

-What a mess.
-Oh God!

Oh my God!
The car! Where's the truck?

They've nicked my truck.

-They nicked the circumciser.
-And my gas.

-Do something. Drop that look.
-Do something. Çeto.

-Çeto.
-Çeto.

Guys, just calm down.

Don't tell anyone or they'll panic.
We'll handle it.

We're stuck in the middle of nowhere.
How do we get back?

We do exactly what they did to us.

We nick a car and go after the gas truck.

My favorite.

They've nicked my kids.

They want a ransom for sure.

Where's the pickup?

I get a job at this company
to hear things out before robbing it.

I spend eight years there.
I get promoted to deputy manager.

I almost have a career.
I'm all set to rob the place

and the gasman shows up.

Why didn't we skedaddle
after throwing off the police?

Why did we hijack this gas truck?

Who's this guy?
Why did they beat him up?

No, I can't wake the guy.

The gendarmes.
Don't panic! The gendarmes!

I have lawsuits going on.
I was running away.

Look, he woke up.

Stop. Stop the car.

Stop the thing.

Stop holding the thing and yanking it.

-That isn't the handbrake.
-Nope.

OK. I'm honored
so I won't kick up a stink.

-But control yourself.
-Watch your mouth.

The car's empty.

That isn't gendarme.
It's just the same color.

Hey, what are you doing?

What are you doing,
fixing your zippers like that?

We took a leak.

I think I might have issues.

A ton of stuff came to mind,
but not taking a leak.

I'm fantastically relieved.

All finished now.

We took it for gendarme car.

My dad picked the color.
Everyone takes it for the cops.

When the car gets dirty
village kids write gendarme on it.

Looks real from ahead.

Yes.

Isn't that guy running off one of you?

Which guy?

The guy's got away. Jump in.

There's no reverse gear.
What kind of car is this?

Get out. Catch the guy. Get out.

-Our target's here.
-I'm scared, Yılmaz.

Why be scared, Çeto?

Fikret, run. Distract the pump guy.
Ask for directions.

I'll hot-wire the car.

Fikret's up for an adventure.
See the way he's walking.

You think he'd ask how.

Fill her up. I need a receipt.
And where's the toilet?

Around the back.

Averell!

Here, catch.

How do I get there?

GASMAN
FIKRET TRADE

That way. Straight.

Is that it? How about directions?

No, it's almost part of town.
You'll find it right away.

-Forgive me. I had to.
-Sure.

Çeto. Come on, follow me.

Drive past. Carry on.

Carry on.

When did you hot-wire it?

I didn't. The sucker
left his key in the car.

The car has an immobilizer.
You can't hot-wire it.

We'd have been screwed without a key.
Still, the plan went like clockwork.

I don't know how it happened. One
chatted me up. The others nicked the car.

-Did you fill her up?
-No.

They nicked the car with an empty tank?

Really?

Screw your plan like clockwork, Yılmaz.

If you make a plan, do it properly.

I have to do everything?
I make the plan. I nick the car.

If Çetin had been so good
as to check the gas gauge.

Why are you blaming me?

Hey!

Hey, what are you doing?

What's with ramming your car
into a parked car?

Now we're screwed. Friend.

Let's just calm down please.

-Off the same Ville, Salim.
-Who's Salim?

What's he saying?
Look, it isn't like that.

-It's a science requiring experience.
-Did I say Salim?

No way. Selim.

Well then, Salami, how are you?

Çeto, you aren't up to it. Come back here.

Don't you know him?
He's Selma's husband.

How do you know my wife?

If you'd shut up, he'd just swat us.
Why bring his wife into it?

Friend.

He's not shifting.

You can't push him either.

Çeto. Give the thing back.

What thing?

-Cut it out. Give the thing back.
-Come on.

I have one thing to give back
which God will get when my time comes.

He doesn't get it.

-He doesn't get it.
-Sure. He has early Dumbzheimer's.

-What do we do?
-We hug. Come here.

He's about to clobber us with the crowbar.

Goddamn freaking idiots.

I'm so sorry.

POLICE

I'll get that cylinder then.
It's in my name.

And the jacket.

Beat it then, kids.

What do we do now?
That's all we needed.

What's with nicking a police car?

If you have an enlarged
spleen, you can't run.

-So why are you trying to run?
-Wait. Let me take a rest.

I don't feel good.

Haven't run since army.

What are you? A kid?

We have to drop everything
to deal with you?

-If you try running again, remember this.
-What?

I won't ever again, promise.
Make it two if I run again.

I get the message. Enough.

I said OK at the first punch.
Why carry on?

A finishing touch.
You're no good to us anyway.

Just help us find this woman's beau.

-Who's Leyla's boyfriend?
-The gasman whose truck we nicked.

-What?
-They're lovers.

Secret meetings and all that.

Imagine if the girl's dad heard.

God forbid.

Listen here.

They're doing a mass circumcision
in some tea garden.

They're there for sure.

Why's the gasman at such a place?

Why was he on the roof?
The guy's kind of unusual.

Stop. Hey, stop.

Çeto.

Fikret.

He didn't stop.

Asshole.

Humanity is dead, pal.

Woe is me! Hitchhiking is history.

Forget it, Çeto.
Anyone seeing us steps on the gas.

Cut it out, kids. We can't walk there.

There's a bunch of
villas here. Holiday villas.

Let's grab that car there and go.

Look. It's abandoned.

Finders keepers.

Maniac! Aren't you sick of nicking cars?

What if it's the governor's?
No more troubles!

Sugar? Mustafa.

-How are you?
-Good thanks, Nükhet.

Making music. It's my living.

I'll be out when the stage is ready.

I said I'd do it for free
but they still wanted you.

I had a concert next month
which they also canceled.

I'm in shock.

I talked to the Mayor.
Seems you said you'd appear for free.

I swear, Nükhet, they paid me so much

I lost the plot. I went mental.
I was out of control.

Are you on any kind of medication?

For blood pressure.
I take it every 12 hours.

Here, sugar.

Let me stick this on you.

What is it? I'd prefer a quarter gold.

It's for the guys
who find you, not you.

Is he looking at us?

-Take this.
-God!

No one steals my livelihood.
I will also trash this bağlama.

I'll trash the whole place.
Got it, Mustafa?

Try taking the stage now. Come on.

We sure got good at making bağlamas.

Nice job.

-Animal.
-Guys.

It's another one with an immobilizer.
I can't hot-wire it.

How about checking first?
Thank God the alarm didn't go off.

Read the signs, Yılmaz. Read!
It's the first commandment.

The guys can't have
taken the keys on vacation.

-We'll get them from the house.
-Sure!

-Nick the car, nick the house.
-I'm not saying that.

We just go in and get the keys.

It's an integrated crime
instead of two separate crimes.

Nicking a car is still the bottom line.

Maniacs.

Where are you people?

Things here got complicated.
Mustafa's kaput.

The mayor didn't like your circumciser.
He brought his own.

Get here fast.
The operation's about to begin.

Fikret. Can you hear me?

Fikret.

God damn you, Fikret.

What circumcision is this?

OK. There's a mass ceremony
in Sivas tonight.

My neighbor's having his son done.
He invited me. There's a flyer in the car.

Mustafa Keser's coming. Here, look.

They didn't even lock the gate.

Talk about confidence.

They wrote "Beware
of the Dog” on the gate.

So? Where's the dog?

Dog!

How cool is that.

Leave the lights on,
put up a huge dog warning sign...

and you're all set.
Awesome. Like we're idiots.

Come on, this way.

Come on, relax.

-This way. Come
-Yılmaz.

What are you doing?

Wait. Don't panic right away.

Have some respect
for know-how. A question.

Would the guys living here
wear footwear like this?

No, they wouldn't.

They think it looks like someone's in.

OK, I get it.
But the neighbors will hear. Stop!

Just calm down.

They stick them here
so it looks like someone's in.

Now.

-What's this?
-A card.

The key.

Yes?

Is Ahmet home?

Wait. I'll give him a shout.

Dad. Can you come to the door?

What are you looking at? Run!

Of all the names, why Ahmet?

My granddad.
It's the first I thought of.

-There's an Ahmet in every house.
-Get down!

Get down.

Don't move. They won't bite if you squat.

-I hope you have another plan.
-Sure. Catch.

Not you, idiot. Let go. Let go!

Ahmet, deal with the dog.

Ahmet, you're still helping us
in spite of everything. It's...

Helping? For goodness sake.

My son missed the dog's latest shots.

So first I'll drop you at the hospital
then go to the police to file charges.

OK, but why sit the dog
that bit me on my lap?

It bit me right in front of
your eyes, God forbid.

-What if he has a taste for me now?
-They may want to see the dog.

Ahmet, when Yılmaz accidentally broke
the car window the alarm didn't go off.

Just so you know.
I'm warming to you, you see.

You haven't had
the car serviced yet, huh?

No, Dad.

Like father unlike son.

Your son's very neglectful.

Ahmet, why don't you drop
us at the tea garden?

I can go to the doctor tomorrow.

But trust me, I'll pay you
every cent of the damage in person.

I'll even have the car serviced
and take the dog to the vet.

But for today, please take us there.

You mean it's that important to you?

It's life and death, Amoş.
You know me. I'm a straight talker.

OK, if you throw in some winter tires.
Left to my son, they won't happen.

Good grief. I don't understand.
I just don't understand.

Why did that Nükhet Duru come?

OK, she came, but why did she
beat the pants off Mustafa Keser?

-It didn't hurt.
-That's something.

Anything you want, Mr. Mustafa?
Water, cologne?

A draught ayran.

His blood pressure must be down.
He had a note on him.

I'll be right back.

Mayor, please give me another chance.

The concert really matters to me.

No way. What matters is your health.

Really, the concert matters more.
Please let me go ahead.

Look at that devotion.

How can you go out there like this?

Give me a couple of stitches. And a drip.

In ten minutes,
I'll be firing on all cylinders.

Here we go.

Is this a draught ayran?
What's draught about that?

Where's the head on it? Give me froth.

İsmail, let's give up on this.
The man's a wreck.

Teacher, I'm a wreck too.

The man will go out there.
The ceremony will begin.

Our work won't go to waste.

İsmail, wait. Wait just a second.

You know we have friends
among the boys being circumcised.

Here are Deniz's and Kartal's quarters.
And this is Oğuzhan's half.

A half for me too. No onions,
just meat. I might get lucky.

İsmail.

God! Dear God! The door won't open.

OK, but why did he
upload his own photos?

He even uploaded a mixed MP3.

People once made their lovers mix-tapes.
This is the modern version.

-Romantic or what?
-Romantic?

When we first met
the guy gave me a padlock.

That's romantic too.
Padlocks are a symbol of lovers.

You seriously find all this romantic?

Here's your guy. He's rushing.

İsmail.

İsmail, I'll tell you
everything. Sit down.

Where have you been? Nükhet Duru beat
up Mustafa Keser. The man's a wreck.

He's dancing in the ambulance.

You should see his dance moves.

I couldn't help dancing myself.
Not that I got anyone to hold me.

Sounds more interesting. Let's hear it.

Go sit down.

Yılmaz. What happened to Tuncay?

We couldn't do it, İsmail.
They nicked the circumciser.

Even we barely made it here.

The mayor ruled out Tuncay
because of his lawsuits.

He brought someone else
to prune the babies.

The circumciser isn't coming.
Mustafa Keser can't perform anyway.

The event can't start.
What do we do?

You look after the guests.

We'll have the whole
village circumcised for good.

-I'll accompany you.
-Come on then.

The place will smell. What should I do?

We're out of money. My dads have
dumped me. They never answer when I call.

Despair is after us like a shadow.
We see nothing else.

If it weren't for the feeling of despair

or of being up against the wall

Moses wouldn't have
thrown his staff on the ground

and divided the Red Sea into two.

Jesus wouldn't have ascended to heaven.

The ram wouldn't have come to Abraham
if he hadn't had İsmail in one hand

and the knife in the other.

You can't even guess
how great a blessing despair is

or what it can make people do.

They're all prophets.
We're average people.

A bit below average, in fact.

No one expects miracles from us, İsmail.

I'll go persuade the mayor's circumciser.

He'll circumcise Matias.
We'll pull out all the stops.

We'll show how keen we are.
The rest is God's will.

OK, cut it out.

In the name of God.

We're pulling out all the stops.
Where's Mustafa Keser?

Where is he?

-I cut out the dress it didn't fit
-Huriye

I cut out the dress it didn't fit

Huriye

I fell sick, my love came

Huriye

I fell sick, my love came

Huriye

-Come to us, beloved, just come
-Huriye

Come to us, beloved, just come

Huriye

Oh, what I've been through

Huriye

Oh, what I've been through

Huriye

Cute little lady, oh so cute

Cute little lady, oh so cute

You go to the movies every day
To the bath house

You go to the movies every day
To the bath house

With fellows standing by, oh woe

With fellows standing by

He lost a lot of hair, didn't he?

No, he just got old.

Anyway what's it to you
if he lost his hair?

Why didn't Fikret wear his own kit?

Why especially Mustafa' stage costume?

He said he'd be more convincing.

So why did we dress Mustafa
in Fikret's kit?

He'd be naked otherwise.

You think Çeto will fix
the circumciser? I'll go check.

-What if they recognize Fiko?
-The stage is far off and high up.

The lights are low and we're pumping fog.

They look alike anyway.

I told the band to keep quiet
and they'd be rewarded. They said OK.

It's all taken care of. Relax.

I'll keep it short.
I don't know how to put this but

I need your help for a charitable act.

Really? You're kind of late.

No, it's not like that. For heaven's sake.

OK, look.

There's a boy here
whose family is against circumcision.

His dad's all for it,
his mom dead against.

-It's crazy.
-So? What's the answer?

We can't kidnap the boy
and do it in secret.

And I was wondering
how to raise the subject. Bravo!

So how about we grab the boy,
take him backstage

and you chop him there real quick?

No way!

It's a crime.

You're OK, but I'd be done for.

We'd take care of you in jail.

And if you have family
we'd help with provisions.

-For the love of God, please?
-Get out of here!

I'll pulverize you.

I'll crush those fingers
and stop you practicing again!

Bribes are given at times like this.
Assault won't persuade anyone!

I don't give bribes. It's a sin.

Çetin. It's a sin to beat a man,
isn't it, precious?

Listen to your Hatice.

Didn't his parents agree to it?

They're foreign, you see.
They don't want it done in public.

Think of it like a private lesson.
With a fee to match.

In that case. How much?

Discuss that with his granddad.
Come on, Çetin.

Take the gentleman inside
and I'll fetch the boy. Come on.

Up you get, Mr. Circumciser.

At every damn wedding.

The woman's a catalyst.

She goes in, speeds up the reaction
and shoots off again unchanged.

Well, I'll be damned.

Come my rose, don't my rose

My purple violet, my hyacinth

I'm parted from you
You're my beloved

How do we find
the gasman's girl in this crowd?

What's his girl to you?

I promise you, the gasman
won't even get close to her.

No yells, panic, fainting,
wetting. I'll explain.

Mother!

-Mother, what? Come on, you're a woman.
-Fikret?

Mustafa Keser?

I'll explain. There's
a break after this song.

Be nice and spare me five minutes.
Hear me out.

Ignore me after that if you like.

Say yes. Come on. Say yes.

-Say yes. I'm starting the song. Come on!
-Yes.

You can't make cream from raw milk
You can't have too much beauty

Lean over, let me have one kiss
I'm on the road, I can't stop

You can't make cream from raw milk
You can't have too much beauty

Lean over, let me have one kiss
I'm on the road, I can't stop

You wrecked our lives!
You thought we wouldn't get revenge?

Who are you?

Did the woman send her relatives?

-You're toast, Fikret.
-But I'm not Fikret. I'm

Mustafa Keser.

Yeah, right. And I'm Nükhet Duru.

Not her. Be anyone but her.

The cops! Jump in.

Yes, guys. What do we do?
Hands up first. Right.

Good God. That was fast.
The siren was just seconds ago.

Didn't I tell you, no siren?

My hand slipped, chief.
It was an accident, sorry.

Put your hand in your... Anyway.

You said three.
So have we found them?

No, boss. They aren't them.

-Really?
-I'd know if I saw them.

Yet again they're after someone else!

They're after someone else
and yet again we bit the bait.

If we'd shut the ambulance door
they'd have walked on by.

Anyway, I totally thwacked the jerk.
Who's in charge?

You know this could break up my marriage.

Weren't you on my side, Mom?
When did you switch?

An aide's side...

No, that's not it.

An aide's place is
at his commander's side.

Inject two needles at least,
to make it really numb.

Hear that, Mom?
Fear's helped him crack Turkish.

-What great Turkish, son.
-Grandpa.

Go to court if you like
and change my name to İsmail.

But please spare me.

It's among my plans
but there's still time.

OK, hang in there.

God, I'm on my way!

He's a gem, this boy.

-Who's the dad?
-Me.

Here.

-What's that?
-The skin.

There was less skin on our calf last Eid.

He's a fine young fellow.

-What do I do with it?
-We can make a belt, son.

Genuine leather.

Hooray, hooray! Fantastic.

I bring great news.
The stuff that's happened!

Let me see. Good. You had it done.

God, I'm so happy.

The dreaming I've done.

God's given me everything I asked for.

Here they are.

Chief, these guys are
forcing circumcision on the kid.

They asked me, but I kept to my oath.
There was a gasman, too. Where's he?

There, get him too.
He's harassing my daughter.

These are the guys, Chief.
The guys who rammed my car and fled.

And that's the thief.
He robbed my house with a wheelie bag.

Then he beat me with a small cylinder.

That's them, Chief.

They smashed my car window
then tried to break into my house.

-Hey! We had a deal with you.
-Ah. He's right.

I got carried away.
I'm not pressing charges, Chief.

Let's go. Move.

Tuncay, did you do yourself
in to do us in?

Well, fancy that.

The famous Conman Yılmaz is here.
The man wanted everywhere.

The car thieves, the housebreakers,
the malpractice doctors

people who held up Mustafa Keser. Some
circumcision! A conclave of criminals.

Get me dressed and yack later.
I'm European, but not that European.

OK.

Let's get their statements and
see what else comes out.

What's that in your hand?

Nothing. I got stuck with it.

It's not mine, it's his.

Go on, explain.

Well, bravo. Inspector Macit
solved everything.

Chief, a small request. Please?

Go ahead.

That Yılmaz is an illegal guy.

Did he say Yılmaz?

Hey, Conman Yılmaz.

How are you doing?

Well, I'll be damned.

Hey, Yılmaz. Welcome.

I'm where I belong. I'm here.

The entire village is mad at me.

Which means it was kind of wrong
to lie about dying.

The dog that bit me
turned out to have rabies, İsmail.

I have to have shots in the stomach.

Anyway, guys

how did I get to owe winter tires
to a total stranger

on the way to host
a circumcision? Woe is me.

The money's gone too.
For nothing, what's worse.

That's nothing,
but I lost my dads too.

But they weren't your real dads.

I know. They weren't real.

But the feeling was nice.
I only asked God for one dad.

I suddenly got two. And lost both.

Mustafa Keser isn't suing, though.
Amazing.

He's a real man.

The real man is Matias.
He said nothing to his mom or granddad.

If he did, she'd divorce me for sure.

I'm running around
to stop them seeing his willy.

They kept Yılmaz in, though.
He'll be locked up for an age.

If they let us go and kept Yılmaz,
he must have confessed to everything.

There's a reason for everything.
So we should learn a lesson from this.

From now on, forget hosting festivities
I won't even go to family weddings.

There's another wedding.

I said no weddings.

Hello?

We're out, honeybun.

It was a misunderstanding.
Give me 30 minutes. I'll explain.

I missed you too.

OK, hang up. Bye.

-Leyla said yes.
-What?

What? When did you? How's that?

Never mind that, Çeto.
Why did the girl say yes to you?

What's the rush?

There's another wedding.
And plenty of time.

Leyla and Majnun. Coming Soon.

-Why steal the police car?
-They nicked a police car?

I swear I didn't touch it. It's a sin.

I was talking to the pump guy
and they nicked the car.

We didn't really nick it.
We dropped it off up ahead.

We were misunderstood.
Call it a communication problem.

Yılmaz, you...

Yılmaz's bad habits for you.

They said I did it?
I'm a Yılmaz of many years.

You think I'd fall for that? Dream on.

I'd never sell out my friends. Never.

So Yılmaz, why beat the guy up?

Don't twist things. We had a fight. I won.

He acts unusually.

He was the same as a kid.
Just picked fights.

He beat up our Tarık once a week.

And he has no conscience.

He knocked the guy out
with a cylinder.

My Yılmaz left
and another Yılmaz arrived.

You don't raise a hand to a circumciser!

They said I did that as well?
I'm not falling for that.

You smashed the guy's car window.

What are you saying, officer?

I have no complaint against Yılmaz.

What did you do to yourself?
You can't run from justice!

This is a state of law.

On top of that you tried to rob the house.

He even took
the guy's circumcision kit.

Years and years ago
he nicked a camel from somewhere.

Check that out.

I don't have a friend
called Yılmaz any more.

Yılmaz won't be near me
on the other side.

Münker, Nekir, me. Who's Yılmaz?

OK, see you. Goodbye.

They said I did that as well.
You don't expect me to believe it.

If that were true, I'd get life.

That's how it looks, Yılmaz.
Anything you want to add?

I don't want to speak
before talking to my lawyer.

Leave me alone.

We will, Yılmaz. We'll leave
you alone for 20 years. OK?

Take him away. Come on.

Chief, we opened the suspicious package.

-What was in it?
-It's better you look.

OK.