Desperados (2020) - full transcript

To me, being a guidance counselor,
it's kind of like being

a teacher of emotions.

You know, you help these kids
figure out what they're feeling and...

show them how to express it
in a healthy way, you know?

That was beautifully put.

Well, you know, we have been looking
at more seasoned candidates, but...

I, for one, think we could use someone
with a little pep in her step.

I'm so happy my lack of experience
didn't dissuade you.

I actually think it's a selling point.

You know? I'm not, like, rigid.

I'm not bogged down by that whole



"this is how we've always done it"
way of thinking.

Yes, this is a Catholic school,

but even religions have to adapt
with the times.

Adapt how?

Well, take sex ed, right?

You can teach abstinence all you want,
but kids are gonna have sex.

They are kids.

I mean, don't get me wrong.
I'm pro-marriage.

It's one of the reasons
my ex and I broke up.

I will tell you about Eric one day,
and you will flip the fuck out

because that man is a liar.

Okay, well,
why don't we just do a scenario here?

Let's say a student comes to you

to tell you that her boyfriend
is pressuring her to get physical.



First of all, fuck that guy.
You know, I would shut that down.

Yeah, I would use it
as an opportunity to teach her

she doesn't need a boy to fulfill her.

She can fulfill herself.

- Spiritually.
- Oh, no. Physically.

Phys...

- Masturbating.
- Well...

I mean,
I'm not gonna be hands-on about it.

- Can you imagine?
- Thank God.

I just want her to know she has options.

Maybe it's a shower nozzle
or an owl... figurine.

My first boyfriend was a teddy bear.

God, I loved to masturbate.

Great. Okay, then.

Yes, I still do.

It doesn't sound that bad.

Oh, yeah, it does.

You are fucking nuts.

Who rambles on to a nun about sex?

I mean,
it's like, I knew I shouldn't go there,

but in the moment I was like,
I should go there.

There's the things that you say
when you have the job,

and things that you say
when you want the job.

I don't know what you want me to tell you.

I fucking did it. It happened.

Oh, that's classic Aunt Wesley.

You know what? Sweetie,
I think it all worked out in the end.

You're too forward-thinking
for that place.

They're so-so uptight.

- I need a job.
- Uh-mm.

Everyone in my master's program
has one.

- That girl who ate her hair for two years?
- Ugh.

She has a job and a boyfriend.

- Ugh.
- Sweetie,

don't compare yourself to other people.
It's a loser's game.

I thought by the time I was 30,

I'd be married with, like,
this dope career and a couple kids.

Ugh! Being married
is not the answer.

Dave cheated on me,

so you never know how that's gonna go.

I'm not even going on Instagram anymore,

because I cannot see
another pregnant belly

- with "nine months" written on it.
- Mm.

But I'm so happy for everyone else.

Sorry I called you a bitch
when you told me you were pregnant.

Come here, Kevin.

Why won't you love me?

Oh, Kevin's just depressed lately.

Oh, really?
Did he find out he looks like Hitler?

Kevin does not look like Hitler.

He really does.

No, Kevin, you can't go outside.
You're an indoor cat.

I don't know what he's trying to prove.

- Hi, sweetie.
- Hi.

- Welcome home. Cheese plate.
- What's up ladies?

Hey, sorry about the job, Wes.

- Kaylie told me you didn't get it.
- Thanks, man.

Yeah, I mean, the archaic institution
of organized religion

is no place for our friend Wes here.

See? Tad gets it.

Wes, why haven't you called
Tad's friend Sean yet?

- Yeah.
- I got a lot of guys in the mix right now.

Some of them are ghosting me,

which means they have
my undivided attention.

You know what?
Why don't you just chill on the guys

until you find a job, you know?
One crisis at a time.

Okay, Brooke.

Yeah, I'll just casually take
a year off of dating

while my ovaries rust and grow barnacles.

Oh, Wes, there's always a silver lining.

Even on corroded ovaries.

Whoa...

Oh, my God. What was that?

Wow!

Well, at least you don't have a job
to drive to.

Wesley, doll, it's Mom.

I haven't heard from you in a few days,
and you know how I worry. I start...

Hey, Wesley, this is Patty.

You babysat the boys last week,

and I noticed some of the food
has been missing from my fridge.

And I don't mean
to accuse you of anything,

but it's a little strange,

so I wondered if you knew...

Hey, Wes. It's Eric.

- Been a while, huh?
- Like six months.

Kinda awkward to do this on voicemail,
but guess what?

I got engaged!

Crazy, right? I know.

I guess I'm the marrying kind after all.

So, I wanted to give you a heads-up.

My fiancée, Lauren, went to Penn
with an editor at Brides magazine.

They did a piece on our engagement.

It's nothing.
I mean, a tiny paragraph, a few pictures.

- It's on page 75 of the May issue.
- Sorry.

Just letting you know
so you don't stumble on it by accident.

Okay. Take care.

- Buh-bye.
- Oh, fuck.

What? Ew!

Piggyback ride? Gross.

"Thought I wasn't meant for marriage,

but I guess it was a matter
of meeting the right person." Oh.

"Whirlwind courtship included travel..."

I love to travel.
You never fucking traveled with me.

My God, she's European?

Okay.

- Hello?
- Hey, Sean? Uh, this is...

- Wesley, Tad's friend.
- Uh, who?

Sorry, I thought he maybe mentioned to you
that I'd be calling.

Oh, right, right...
Yeah. You're the magician.

No, I was the one that Tad thought
you might hit it off with.

Know what? We don't need to do this.

I think Tad
was just throwing crap at a wall.

Nah, I was just messing with you.

- Most blind dates are crap, though.
- Exactly.

I always feel like, on a blind date,
you should have an automatic out.

You show up, say hi, no chemistry?
Just say no. Over.

I'm talking to you right now,
I literally don't care about you.

You could get hit by a bus,
could care less.

I know. Exactly.

But look, um,
I'm just walking out of a movie right now.

- Okay.
- Do you live near Echo Park?

Maybe we could meet for a drink or...

Oh. Um...

That sounds great.

- Thank you so much.
- Good night, miss.

Good night.

- Are you Sean?
- No, I'm not.

Uh...

- Wesley?
- Sean?

- Yes.
- Oh, thank God.

Thought you were that short dude
over there. He's adorable,

but our kids would be so short.

Help me.

Yes. Exactly.

- Hi.
- Oh, hi. I took a chance you like white.

Oh, Ordering for the lady. Strong open.

- Yeah.
- Um...

- So, how do you know Tad?
- "How do I know Tad?"

Let's see. I dated a girl in college
that he worked with.

- Jessie Harris?
- Yeah, I know Jessie.

- Okay.
- Wonder why she didn't try to set us up.

That's weird. Yeah, usually,

when girls get married,

they try to yard-sale their reject pile.

"Reject pile."

Ooh, I wish that hot husband of hers
was in the reject pile.

Have you seen their perfect baby?

I love weddings.
Were you at their wedding?

You know what?

No.

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
Were you not invited?

- That was rude of me.
- No, I mean...

What I mean is... no.

I'm using my automatic out.

I'm sorry, what?

"Automatic out," what we spoke about.

If I wanna leave, if you wanna leave,
no harm, no foul?

- I'm using that right now.
- Okay, we were riffing.

We were having a fun time.
Have you never been on a date?

I mean, come on, now. You were dropping
"marriage," "kids," "wedding"

in five seconds flat.

Not with us!

What are you doing?

We were just talking.

Wesley, you seem like a great girl.

I'm just...

- The timing's not right for me.
- Guess what?

The timing isn't great
for me either, Sean.

Wanna know why?

'Cause I've had a year from hell,
all right?

I've had 17 shitty job interviews.

Twice as many bad dates.

Okay, my car was destroyed,

I'm on a budget,
so I steal food from the kid I babysit,

and all of my birds died this year.

And my hair is falling out of my head
'cause I blow it out five times a week,

and despite my best efforts,
I'm still treading water,

sitting here on dates with dudes like you,

wondering what my life is gonna be like.

Wow.

- Unbelievable.
- Excuse me.

- Baby...
- Come on.

Ma'am. Do you hear me, ma'am?

Ma'am, I'm an LA City reserve firefighter,

I was walking by when you fell.

Cool. Thanks, man. I...

Ma'am, you're gonna be okay, okay?
Don't freak out.

I feel fine.

Hey, there. You okay?

Oh, my God. Who are you?

I'm Jared Sterling.

I saw your purse
go flying into oncoming traffic.

I thought you might need some help.

Wesley Darya of Belmont Avenue,
who wears contacts

and somehow got a nice picture
on their license.

Oh, my God. Shut up.

You okay? You wanna get up?
All right.

Well, time to go to the hospital.
I'm down to take you in my Jetta.

I'm fine.
I'll have my friends look out for me.

Yeah. Oh, okay.

You know what? I...

I live just around the corner.
If you wanna come over,

you can call some friends
to come pick you up.

- I do.
- I honestly barely ever kill people.

You're so funny.

Great. Still not answering,
but I can go home.

You don't need to babysit me.

Oh, no. Don't worry about it.
I just got back from China.

I'd be up all night.
You're doing me a favor.

Okay.

Aw, cute kid.

Oh, yeah. That's my nephew.

- Hope my own turn out half as great.
- Hmm.

- Yours in the future?
- Mm-hmm. Yeah.

- So, your name's Wesley.
- Uh-mm.

Beautiful eyes.

Ooh.

- Organ donor.
- Please don't harvest my kidneys.

I didn't mean to look at your organs
when I said that. It was just natural.

Uh, no. I'm a sports agent.

Okay? We only feed on people's careers.

I don't know anything about agents,

so, I... guess I don't have an opinion.

My brain's not really working right now,
sorry.

I love that.

Now I know what my problem is.

I've been being too...

myself.

Yeah. I discovered the secret to men.

Don't speak.
Look, I'm just facing the facts.

- My personality is an acquired taste.
- Hmm.

I love the way your personality tastes.

I think this is meant to be.

This is exactly like the book

I'm reading right now
for my pregnancy journey.

It's written by a Mexican shaman named
Ángel de la Paz,

- angel of peace.
- Really?

Another shaman?

You might as well be flushing
all of your money down the toilet.

How much did you spend on the last one?

Eleven thousand four hundred
and eighty dollars.

- Right?
- That's a lot of money.

Listen, the book says

the universe throws
a bunch of darkness your way

that you have to suffer through
in order to find your true path

so that you can appreciate
the good things when they come.

Like Jared.

Thank God. I'm just so relieved.

- I was starting to think I was cursed.
- You always think you're cursed.

What do you actually know about this guy?

He wants kids. He owns a duvet cover.

He liked me with a slight concussion.

- What more do I want?
- What does he know about you?

He knows that I'm pretty fucking sexy
when I'm not talking so much.

Okay,
so you're gonna start off a relationship

by pretending to be
a completely different person?

Yeah.

It's a doughnut-wrapped hot dog.

I have heard so much about this thing.

Wow.

Two of my least favorite things.

Totally. Yeah.

Man, am I happy you said that.

You are so cute.
Can we get this out of here, please?

- Couple salads?
- Just a bowl of lettuce.

- Go, Wes! Go!
- Go!

This bubble suit
smells like plastic and fresh sperm.

- Oh, hey, Jared!
- Hey!

I'm so excited you like bubble soccer.

- My ex hated this stuff.
- I'm open!

She's crazy. This is the best.

- Oh, my God! My body!
- Oh, look out!

Oh, my God. I love your laugh, by the way.

I wanted... I have to tell you something,

and I just...
I hope it's not a big deal, okay?

- Oh, my God. What's up?
- So...

you know that girl I told you about? Lucy?

- Mm-hmm. Your ex, yeah.
- Yes.

Um, we were kind of engaged for a bit.

We had to call off the wedding last year.
She was pretty nuts.

She smashed the windows on my car

and had my mail forwarded to a PO box
so she could keep tabs on me.

And I actually came home
to find her wearing my clothes,

in my bed,
so I had to get the locks changed.

A psychopath.

- Yeah. Luckily, diagnosed now.
- Mm.

Thanks for telling me.
Sorry it didn't work out.

And that's it? No...

no other follow-up questions?
No interrogation?

People make mistakes, you know?
Let's keep the past in the past.

I think you may be the perfect girl.

Wait. I'm not rushing things, am I?

No. What? No. Go faster. Harder.

Wesley Darya,

will you marry me?

Yes.

Oh, my God. I'm finally happy.

- Oh, my God. We have a pool!
- What?

Nothing. Just had a tickle in my throat.
Come here.

Oh, my God. Mom, you are tripping out.

- I'll make the payment. Yes.
- I'm tripping? You're still gambling.

I don't have a problem
with online gambling anymore.

I told you I took care of that.

How are you even paying your bills?

- I wonder, do you have health insurance...
- Hold on.

Now you need a new car.

- Wasn't him.
- You sound like

you're about to be homeless.

- Do you wanna know what sucks?
- Yes.

Jared's rejecting me,
and he doesn't even know me.

There's still a chance he's dead.

You guys are the best.

You're the best.

- You guys are the best.
- Sweetie, you're the best.

- What?
- It's not Jared. It's my mom.

Mom. Fucking stop blowing my line up, man.

You know what?
I really think I need to lay down the law.

- Yes.
- I need to talk my shit to him.

- Yes.
- You know what I'm gonna do?

- What?
- I'm gonna do a e-mail.

- Do an e-mail.
- Yeah, do an e-mail.

Let's do it. Let's fucking rip it up.

"In case you're wondering,
I'm doing great."

Yeah, you are.

"Except for the fact that, five days ago,
your penis entered my vagina,

and I haven't heard from you since.

Does this have to do with the fact
that your dead dad

never gave you enough love
when you were little?

Hmm? Is it the dead dad?"

Oh, my God. Is that true?

Yeah, it's so sad, right?

"May you get drunk
and get a dumb unicorn tattoo."

"Suck on this, bitch."

"Here's a little treat for the woman
you're going to torture next.

Your dick is bad.

It's legit thin."

Eggplant emoji...

"Please stop hashtagging
all of your Instagrams '#photography.'

- Loser.
- Everything on Instagram's a photograph.

Try '#thin dick.'"

You suck at Instagram.
Why don't you close up shop, dick?

Whoo! Yeah, you guys!
He sucks his own little thin dick, hard.

- "There's an art to going down on a girl."
- Whoo! Yes!

- "Do not start the game...
- Fucking murder him.

'Would you rather?'

I would rather finish cumming.

And if your neck hurts that much,
get a chiropractor."

"May your wife be barren."

- No.
- No, I wouldn't go there.

"The wrath of God,

and all the goddesses and gods
in the forests and in our lands.

- Fuck yeah.
- May you be cursed...

- Yes.
- And may you beg for mercy...

that you never get!"

Whoa.

That was awesome, Kaylie.

- Time to do this. Ready?
- Yes, let's do this.

Do we need to spell-check?

- No. Fuck it.
- No.

On the count of three, all right?

- One...
- Yes.

- Two.
- Two.

- Three.
- Three.

Oh.

- What's going on?
- Sorry. I'm stealing Wi-Fi.

Can you get closer to the window?

Oh, yeah. Sure.

Now my mom's calling
from a blocked number.

- Mom, I told you...
- What's happening?

He hasn't called yet.

Mom... Wait, I can't hear you. Hello?

Wes, is that you? It's Jared.

Can you hear me?
I have a bad connection. I'm in Mexico.

So, what? You're, like,
calling me from some beach?

No, I'm in the hospital.

Um... I was in a bit of a car accident.
Broke my foot,

bruised a lung,

- and fractured a couple of vertebrae.
- What?

Yeah, they had me
in a medically-induced coma.

- You were in a coma?
- Yeah.

- Fuck.
- I have this client, Mauricio Sanchez,

a big soccer star.
Anyway, he got arrested on Saturday.

- Had to fly to Cabo to deal with it.
- I'm fucked. Stop!

Oh, no. I feel so awful.

No, I do.

I can't believe we haven't talked
for five days.

You weren't pissed off, were you?

What? No, no, no.

Wes, thanks for being so cool
about me not calling.

- Fuckers.
- Most girls would've freaked out.

You know me.
It takes a lot to get me worked up. Pfft.

Yeah, I know.
That's what I love about you.

You're so reasonable.

Might be the last normal girl left in LA.

- Can I call you back, Jar?
- What? No.

No. My phone's at the casita,
back at the Las Playas resort.

- They won't let me have my work stuff.
- Oh, my God.

They just want me to rest.

I'll call you when I know more, all right?
I miss you.

I miss you too. God.

- Success tastes good.
- Success tastes good.

- Success tastes sweet.
- Don't send it. He was

- in a coma!
- The e-mail sent!

Wait, what did you say?

Jared was in a coma?

Yes, since Tuesday, in Mexico.

Wh-What was the thing you said
right before that?

Hmm. No, I didn't say anything.

- What did she say?
- We sent the e-mail.

What?

Well, that's what you told us to do.

- No.
- Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God.
- I'm gonna pass away.

Just... I'm gonna just... pass away.

- Now, let me go. I'm dead.
- No, no, no, no, no.

Oh, I have an idea.

We'll just send him another e-mail.

Subject line:
"Do not read the last e-mail."

No! What's wrong with you? Don't do that.

If I got an e-mail saying,
"Don't read the last e-mail,"

that's the first thing I'd do.

Fuck, you're right.
I'm sorry. I'm drunk.

We need to get out of this.
Where's the computer?

Give me the computer.

- Give it to me.
- Okay. It's gonna be okay.

It's gonna be okay.
Just write him something really sweet.

"My tender heart.

My angel whisperer."

Um...

Are you naming Care Bears?

Maybe he got amnesia in his coma
and he forgot his password.

Mm, His password.
Do you know his password?

No, I don't know his password.
We've been dating a month.

I knew Dave's by day five.
I wouldn't blow him until he told me.

There's gotta be something.
Ugh. Think.

- What are we gonna do?
- What the hell are we gonna do?

There's gotta be something we could do.

- Just tell him you are possessed.
- 'Cause that makes him wanna date me.

- Tell him you love thin dicks.
- But I don't.

"I have a drinking problem."

None of these things are gonna make him
want to continue dating me.

I... Oh, my God.
I don't know. I don't know what to do.

I mean, the only thing you could do
is just go delete the e-mail

from all of his devices,
which are God knows where.

I know where they are. In his hotel room.

A lot of good that does.

You guys...

I want you to take this really seriously.

Would it be insane if I went to Mexico
and erased the e-mail?

- Yes.
- No.

Kaylie.

You guys, it could be a fun girls' trip.
We could all go.

Just the three of us.
How fun will that be?

We haven't done that in so long.

- Oh, no. I'm not going to Mexico.
- To Mexico?

- I can't leave the country right now.
- You could have a revenge affair.

Think of how fun that'll be.
You deserve it.

You guys, if I go alone, it's stalking.
If you're there...

it's still stalking,
but it's also a fun vacation...

- after this.
- Oh, my God.

- I mean, Ángel has a retreat near Cabo.
- Yes.

- Maybe I could go to do that.
- Great. Hit that up.

- Okay.
- Perfect. Good reasons are piling up.

- This is great.
- Yeah.

I think that you guys are gonna have
the best time in Mexico.

And I am not going anywhere
with either of you...

We're going to Mexico.

Because this plan is absolutely insane.
And...

No, no, no, no, no.
Don't give me those puppy-dog eyes

that you do.
I hate that when you do that.

And don't give me

that weird little cat-like grin
on your face.

Come on, guys. It's one hour of burglary
and two days by the pool.

Okay? This is all I have.

If Jared reads that e-mail,
my life is over...

Wesley, stop. Please, just stop.

Okay, this pitch is fricking horrible,

but I...

love you, and I do wanna see you happy.

I love you too. Come on.

I can't believe that I'm gonna say this,

but let's go break into some dude's room.

Wow.

My God. That's so...

Ramon will show you to your casita.

Enjoy your stay, señora Darya.

Uh, before we go up,
could you show me which casita

Jared Sterling is in?

Yeah. Allow me to connect you.

Oh, he's actually not there right now.

Ah. Perfect. Then, I will take a message.

I was hoping I could just slip
a little note under his door.

It's actually against hotel policy
to give out room numbers.

You understand.

Uh, sir. I've got the bag... Hold on...

Oh, my God.

Oh, boy.

Whoa, Mom. This is neat.

Oh!

He's touching it.

Why is it shaking so much?

- It feels kinda weird.
- Nolan,

- put that down now.
- But it looks funny.

- What kind of toy is this?
- Ugh.

- Can't use that again.
- Drop it.

When Mommy says, "Drop it," we drop it.

Hey, buddy. That's actually my...

little toy.

For a second there,
I thought my 12-year-old owned a sex toy.

No, it's my dildo.

What is going on here?
Is this a sex resort?

- No, this is not...
- What?

That was not in the brochure!

Actually,
teaching your child about self-love

is a really beautiful gift.

Oh, really?

I think a beautiful gift
is a beautiful vacation,

and it's now basically ruined.

- I feel like you're mad.
- Nolan, let's go.

- Why, Mom?
- Come.

- She seemed nice.
- Poor kid.

- God damn it.
- Wow, she came in strong.

You have complicated things.
May we go to our room?

- Let's get a drink.
- Thank you.

Gracias. Okay.

Gracias.

- This is nice.
- Oh, wow.

I hope this minibar's a megabar.

Phew!

Hey, "automatic out" girl.

Come on. What's up?

What are you doing here in, uh, Cabo?

Snowboarding.

That's a weird coincidence.
I'm doing the exact same thing.

Yeah, it's totally crazy
for two people from LA

to be in Cabo at the same time.

- Same time.
- Has it ever happened before?

Probably not.
I know. That's why it's so weird.

You think I followed you here
like a lunatic

'cause I'm obsessed with you?

No.

I followed someone else here...

like a lunatic
'cause I'm so obsessed with him.

- Oh. You have a new boyfriend?
- Mm-hmm.

That's... Congratulations.
That's a... I mean, you work fast, but...

That's what happens when you give someone
more than ten seconds at a bar.

- Listen. I've been meaning to call you.
- Oh, why?

I feel bad about what happened.
That's all.

- Hola, Sean!
- Hola.

What?

Oh.

Oh, you met Q?

- Q?
- How could I forget?

Yes, we did.

Oh, good, good, good.
Yeah, we went to Cornell together.

- Yeah, he was in the hotel...
- You know what, Sean?

- No.
- No?

No.

No, you haven't met Q? Or, you...

- Just... no.
- It's automatic out.

I deserve that.

- Yeah. This is awesome.
- God.

There are five restaurants here.

That was Sean.

- What?
- Yeah.

What's he doing here?

- That's so random.
- I know.

- Isn't that crazy?
- Yeah.

All right. Now...

do we think Jared would have requested
a view of the beach or the golf course?

What kind of sociopath would request
a view of the golf course?

Please tell me
you have a plan to find Jared's room.

Brooke.

- She doesn't have a plan.
- She never has a plan.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- So, we just keep dialing Jared's phone...
- Yeah.

- Until we hear it ringing?
- Exactly.

This plan sucks my dick.

There's literally 100 casitas.

- We're gonna be at this for days.
- Honey, we gotta stay positive.

Okay, wait. Do you guys hear it ringing?

- No.
- This is so annoying.

All I hear is the dumb ocean.

Wait. I think I hear something.

Oh, my God. That's his ringtone.

Hold up. We flew here
for a guy who downloads ringtones?

Oh, my God.
He's being ironic, I assume.

This is awesome. It only took...
197 international roaming phone calls

to find him. Come on.

What do we do?

Like, Google breaking and entering?
I don't know.

Fuck.

- Shit.
- Okay.

On a scale of one to ten,
how desperate are you

to break into this room?

- I think that's a hard ten.
- That could be a 12.

Okay.

All right. How do I look?

- Okay, take the tray... very good.
- Let's see.

I really wanna believe you here,
and I'm not.

- I know. Okay.
- I feel like she should be, like,

extra desperate right now.

Extra, like, committed
to getting in that room.

I wanna feel that.

- When I see you, I wanna go, "Bam!"
- Apologize.

- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- But do not say you're sorry.

It's me again.

But also be, like, sexy.

That's hot.

What if she were wet? Like,

"Oh, I just got out of the shower,
and the door locked behind me."

How would I get wet?

- Yeah, like that.
- Yeah. I can see it.

I'm feeling it better now.
We'll leave your clothes by this tree,

and then you're gonna come to the bar
when you're done.

- Okay?
- Okay.

- We love you.
- I love you.

- Energy! Commitment! Sexy!
- Sell it.

- Yes, and...
- I'm gonna try really hard.

You look hot.

- Hola. Las Playas...
- Hi, yes. There seems to be a woman

who is locked out of her casita,
number 34.

- Help me!
- Yeah, she needs to be let in ASAP.

- Of course. We'll be there right away.
- Okay, great. Thank you. Bye.

She must really like this guy.

I remember those days.

Thank you.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

- Welcome to Brookie's revenge affair.
- Oh, no. I just want to get drunk.

Mm, hmm, hmm. The night is alive.

All right, what are we gonna do?

This.

No, I think we're gonna go over
to that table.

Oh, no, I'm just not in a place
to go talk to dudes right now.

Well, you gotta get out of your head
and get into your body.

Yeah, well,
my body is telling me to stay right here.

- So...
- Come over.

Well, I'm bringing your body this way,

- and you're gonna have some sex.
- No. Kaylie, don't...

Oh, God, yeah.

Hola. Thank you.
Thank you for coming.

So sorry to bother you,
but I was putting my tray down,

and the door slammed shut.

Señora Darya. This is not your casita.

You're right, it is not my casita.

No, this is the casita of this random man
that I was love-making with

who went to get ice...

to ice his body...

because the sex
we were having was so hard.

But I-I-I can't broke the rules.

- Por favor, Ramon.
- No. No this.

Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes.
Si, si, si..

Come on.

Please, please, please, please, please.

I'm begging you. I'm begging you.

- Ramon, please.
- Okay.

- Okay, I do it. But don't cry, please.
- Yes! I love you!

- Don't cry. Be quiet.
- I'm not gonna cry.

- Be quiet.
- Thank you.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Come in.

Thank you so much, Ramon. Thank you.

- Yeah, okay, okay, okay...
- Thank you.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Thank you. Bye.

Oh, yes. Yes. Okay.

Oh, yes.

Oh.

What?

- Wow, you're here?
- What are you doing here?

This is my room.

No, this is my boyfriend's room.

You know it is.

Though I'm very flattered,
this is not anything.

Okay.

Wait.

- Shit. I'm supposed to be in that room.
- You don't have to pretend, Miss Wesley.

I know why you're here.

What?

I googled your pink penis toy.

It's called a vibrator,
and it's for girls who are lonely.

What the hell are you talking about?
Just get out...

Whoa! You know what?

I completely respect you,
and, look, my eyes are completely closed,

I'm just gonna give this to you
without any lawsuit.

Oh, my... oh, my God.

- What the fuck is going on here?
- Wait!

Schmoops! Are you okay? Eye contact!

I'm amazing. Yeah.

What's it like to be in sales?

Ugh. God, it is the worst.

We're just in all-day workshops
about how to market boner pills.

Do they really call them "boner pills"?

Technically, the name is "Bonalis,"

the brand name.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Why does the world need more boner pills?

Am I right?

I mean, can't we just invent a drug
that keeps a guy's dick in his pants?

- Can you do that?
- I'll work on it.

Thank you. Oh, what about...?

Could you actually make a good dick GPS?

So that way,
when a dick is going in another woman,

it sets off this little switch
that just fries his pecker right off.

Oh.

- That sounds like a human rights crime.
- Right?

- Seems harsh.
- That's pretty funny.

- Thank you.
- I mean, maybe not the best joke...

to make when you wanna pick me up
or anything, but...

Oh, I'm sorry.

You thought
that I was trying to pick you up?

- I'm sorry, what else are we doing here?
- I'm sorry.

It's just, you're wearing man-sandals
and like five million bracelets.

I told you just to pick one bracelet.

I can't pick just one bracelet.
They're all fucking cool.

Should've picked one.

I was kinda getting the vibe
that you may be DTF when we sat down.

But you also seem to have, like,
a darkness and a sadness about you,

and it's, like, a real turnoff.

I feel like I was a bit misled.

I already took a Bonalis, so...

I'm... gonna have to nurse this boner here
pretty soon.

Oh, really? What hand are you gonna use?

The one with all the bracelets
all over it?

Well, what are you gonna do? You gonna...
finger yourself in that pantsuit?

- I mean, come on.
- Jesus.

Yeah, I'm gonna jack off
with these bracelets.

And I guess I'm gonna have to take it
to the pool

because I don't have a chest
to jizz on tonight.

- Whoa..
- Oh, my.

- All right, I'm out.
- Right.

Said my piece.

Time to jerk.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh my...

- Oh, my God.
- What?

That's a really small plate.

It's the biggest plate they have!

I'm so sorry about that.

He's going through
a custody battle right now...

Well, he technically gave up his kids.

Listen, I love you.

- I love you too.
- I'm gonna put you in my pocket

and take you back to Cleveland with me.

- Please.
- Find me at the resort, okay?

- I'm going to.
- Bye.

- Okay.
- Oh, I found a friend.

Congratulations.

Oh, God.

No.

Oh.

Shit.

Sweetie,
you're not very good at revenge affairs,

but that guy was a fucking asshole.

Thank you.

Yeah, I don't wanna just, like,
have sex with anybody, okay?

I mean, I haven't even...

broken the seal in like a year.

Whoa, you haven't had sex in a year?

What am I supposed to do, Kaylie?

I mean, do I divorce Dave?

Or do I forgive him?

Is murder on the table?

No, you should come see
Ángel de la Paz with me.

- Oh, no, no, no.
- Five minutes,

you'll get clarity, I'll get a baby.

Wait, they give you a baby
in five minutes?

Yes. It's a very quick gestation period.

Hey, you guys.

I'll explain it in the room. Go.

- Go. Get up.
- What is happening?

- Go, get up! Go.
- Okay.

- Come on.
- Freeze!

You come into my casita
and put your hands on my child?

- What are you? A pedophile?
- Whoa!

I am not a pedophile.

This is what you do?
You go to second base with children?

Didn't mean for him to touch my boob.

You think I wanted that?

I'm not interested in your kid.

I understand Nolan is very desirable
and he has a very bright future.

I'm not attracted to your child.
No offense, but I'm really not.

Mom, she didn't do it.
Both of us felt love.

Shut up. You're making it worse.

Stay away, whorebag,

or I will pop you like a balloon.

Come on. Let's get you a quesadilla.

Get your life together.

- Oh, God. Wesley?
- Whore-shaming is not cool.

Where are your clothes?

There's... What're you looking at?

Yoo-hoo!

Good morning!

Wow. Volume.

Somebody's not in a real vacationy mood,
it seems.

Someone flashed 50 guests butt naked,

is now an accused pedophile, and also,
Jared will hate me if he gets this e-mail.

We've been doing recon all morning,

and we figured out a way
to get into Jared's room.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, my God. How?

Twice a week,
Quintano takes the guests paddleboarding,

and when he goes in,
he leaves all of his shit on the shore.

So...

Oh, so we just have to grab the master key
from his clothes while he's in the ocean.

All right, Q. Let's dance.

Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah!

- Hola.
- Hola.

- Habla anglés?
- Paddleboard?

Ain't that cute? Saving me a seat.

Why are you here?
No one invited you to sit down.

Well, I missed my van this morning.

And so, I couldn't drag myself out of bed.

And now, I get to see you.

What are you here for? What do you want?
How can I get rid of you quicker?

I'm here to go paddleboarding,
with you, actually.

Oh, I'm not going.

- Are you ready?
- Oh! That's us. Come on, let's go.

- Hmm? No.
- Yeah.

- No.
- What do you mean?

I'll hang back while my friends go in.

The two of them. You're not my friend.

- Hi, Kaylie and I can't go paddleboarding.
- Hey.

Why?

They dinged me for my asthma.

And I checked the box
that said I may be pregnant.

I wanted to feel what it was like. Sorry.

- Why would you do that?
- Sean!

Señoras, may I zinc on your face?

- What?
- You wanna zinc on my face?

How many times I gotta tell you, Ramon?

Not on my face. On my back, maybe.
I'll see y'all in the water.

- He's fun.
- Actually, right here,

Wesley loves it when people
zinc all over her face.

You're not funny.

- It's kinda true.
- You're not funny.

- It's a little funny.
- No... Oh, Ramon, it's okay. No.

Thank you, thank you.

Kidding. She's kidding around, joking.
Muy loco.

Okay. Bye.

Thank you.
No one will be going in the water.

Oh, no. Actually, we have to.

Quintano said that if none of us
go paddleboarding,

he's gotta drive us back.

I think he's pissed
that we took up all the spots.

Yeah, come on, Wesley,
we just gotta steal Quintano's keys.

Okay, please don't scream that, Kaylie.

- I am getting too emotionally involved.
- Kaylie, you're...

- I'm not happy right now.
- You got this. Let's go.

- Just want you to know that.
- You're gonna be great.

- I have to hang out with Sean now.
- I'm jealous.

- Awesome.
- I wanted to go.

- Enjoy yourself!
- I don't like this person.

- We love you!
- The ocean is a gift, beauty!

I hate being wet!

What is this, tequila?

No, it's just iced tea.

Well, well, well.
Look who decided to join us.

Ah. Are we on a schedule?
Jesus.

Guard this with your life.

Okay, no more dilly-dally. Let's go.

Sean, you're paddling too fast.
Wait for me!

Now, you wanna hang out
with Sean.

Wait, I think
we're supposed to be standing on these.

You think I'm gonna stand up
on this thing? Nah.

Okay, good.
I'm so tired, I don't wanna stand either.

I do not like exercise, but that was fun.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

- I'm actually into this dock situation.
- Yeah.

- Who set this up?
- Well, could be one of two things.

Ramon parachutes down

from his two-bedroom brick bungalow
in the sky.

Two, your imaginary boyfriend.

- He sets all this up.
- My boyfriend's not imaginary.

So, he's a ghost?

Well, almost.

Ugh. You're gonna give me
so much shit for this.

I sent Jared a really mean e-mail

because I thought he had ghosted me.

I didn't hear from him for a few days,
and it turns out he had not ghosted me

but was in a coma... here.

So, you're here to, like, apologize
or something like that, or...

Well, I came here to break into his room
and delete the e-mail.

Oh, boy!

Right after I met you...

- Uh-oh.
- Oh, my God, a dolphin.

Mm-mm. That ain't no dolphin.
Baby, that's a shark.

That is not a shark!

Oh, my God. Look! Hi!

This is so amazing!
Look at how close he is to us.

Mm-mm, no. nah.
See, you on your own with this one.

Aww, look at him. He's smiling at you.

Really? You know,
dolphins smile no matter what.

That's the way their face is shaped.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, shit!

Oh, no.

- He's hugging me!
- No, no, no!

My dog hugged my leg, too.
But for a whole different reason.

Get my camera, I wanna post this! Hi!

Don't look him in his eye.
They like that shit.

What-What-What... What was that?

- That was a hug, right?
- You need a cigarette?

That was intense.

Where'd you go, little guy?

Oh!

- Oh, my God!
- Oh, God.

- Are you okay?
- What the hell just happened?

I thought we were playing.

Playing? Ah! Nah, y'all weren't playing.

- Was that his dick?
- I'll be honest with you... yeah.

God, I feel sick!

- Oh, my God, Wes!
- Hey!

- Why did he do that to me?
- 'Cause you're very sexy.

- Hey, are you okay?
- Sweetie.

- Thank you so much.
- It's okay. I'm gonna get a lifeguard.

Okay. What happened?

- His dick touched my face.
- What?

His dick touched my face.

I'm sorry. No, I'm really sorry.

That must have been, like,
really traumatic. I'm sorry.

It was a great distraction. Because...

- You got the master key?
- Yes!

What's that smell?

Hey, changed your mind, huh?

Turn around, bracelet bitch.

- There's the darkness.
- Text me later.

Guys, we need to hurry.
We need to get back to Jared's room

before Quintano discovers
the key is missing.

- Sluts.
- What?

You guys, I really don't feel good.

Uh, I think maybe you just drank
a little too much seawater.

- Yeah, I think I'll...
- Okay, sweetie?

Stand back, everyone!
I learned CPR at fat camp.

Does this seem right?

Clearing her airway!

She needs more air!

- Help!
- Get off me, you tiny pervert!

Help! Ayuda!
These women are attacking my son!

- What did I tell you?
- She had her mouth on his mouth.

We're in love, Mom.

She's my lady.

Love? No, we're not in love.

Oh!

Whoa!

Fucking A, Mom!
Why you always gotta be all up in my shit?

Nolan Ryan Phillipe, shut it!

- We had something good going.
- Zip it!

- What is wrong with you?
- No!

- Why would you do that?
- Oh, you wanna step to me?

I had a 46-hour labor with this one,
do you understand?

I had an episiotomy

that was 18 inches long.

You wanna feel pain? I'll show you...

- Oh, God.
- Ugh.

- It's gross.
- Okay.

It stinks so bad.

- Eighteen inches?
- That's a foot and a half.

Adiós, señoras. Lovely having you.

I cannot believe I'm saying this,

but I am not attracted to children.

Since you have arrived,

you have exposed a child
to a vicious sex device,

you broke into one of my rooms,
you ran naked through my restaurant,

and you, you brought a dolphin to climax.

Okay, none of those were my fault.
And you should not blame the victim.

If you enter this resort again,
I will have you thrown in jail.

And let me assure you,
your dildo will not be let in.

Okay.

Come on, guys.
We've only been here one night.

Let's get our energy up
and get back over there.

- What are you talking about?
- We have the master key.

We gotta go back
before they change the code.

- Sweetie, um, I think we need to chat.
- Oh, no.

- Okay.
- Thank you.

Um, I think we need to chat.

The energy of this place
is a little scary.

It's kinda like
the universe is sending us a sign.

Yes. Saying, "Get the fuck out."

Guys, we didn't come this far
to only come this far.

We gotta get that bag...

and we have to delete that e-mail.

I am begging you.
This is what friends do for each other.

You know? Think of all the times
I've been there for you.

You are way above
this emotional blackmail.

I don't think I am.

I don't wanna eat this.

Give me the key.

- No.
- Brooke.

- No.
- You're not the boss of the key, Brooke.

I am the key boss right now,

and the key boss is saying
that you cannot go back to that hotel,

so there.

Brooke, I know how to get it from you.

Oh, bring it.

Please don't get physical.

- It's not my fault if she pees.
- Just...

- I'm coming in.
- Don't bring it in.

- Don't get physical.
- Stop.

- Oh, Brooke.
- She's gonna tinkle. Stop! Don't!

Put your hand on the bed!

I told I was gonna do it.

Fuck.

Thanks for nothing, guys.

I will remember this betrayal
when I pick your bridesmaids dresses.

They will be hideous...

and very expensive.

I will still look amazing in that dress.

You're gonna look like shit in this dress.

Wesley. Wes.

We've all lost our minds.

Wesley.

I wish I wasn't so ticklish.

Keep your eyes peeled
for the niño molester.

Copy that.

God damn it!

She's still not answering.
Maybe we should go back.

You know what?

Why don't we just let her do
what she wants?

I mean,
she doesn't even listen to us, anyway.

Was that the sound
of a chainsaw cutting through bone?

Okay. We're out.

Come on, you got this.

Ow! Ow!

Shit! Shit! Burn! Burn! Ow!

It's burning me. Ow, shit!

Ow!

What's up, Wes?

Where you going?

Mrs. Wesley is back here at Las Playas.

Yes.

Oh, my God.
Come on. Come on, come on, come on.

Where's his e-mail?

- Hi. Hello?
- Hey, me again.

Hi. How are you?

Uh, really good, actually.
The doctors are letting me out early.

No way.

How early?

Tomorrow, baby.

What?

Can you pick me up from the airport?

I might be on the late flight.

Mm-hmm.

Señora Darya!

- We know you are in there. Open the door.
- Sounds like people are yelling.

- You all right?
- Señora Darya, open the door.

Definitely.
The neighbors are doing construction.

What? At night? That's annoying.

Um, yeah. That's okay.
I think they're almost finished.

I would love to pick you up
in Los Angeles tomorrow.

Okay, I'll text you my flight details
when I have them.

Señora Darya! I know you are here,
señora Darya.

Oh, and, Wes...

wear something easily removable.

Oh, my God! That's so fun! I have to go.

Ramon. Ramon.

You can do this.

Holy shit! She came for me.

This is too much.

You better get running, 'cause I'm coming.

Ow! My balls! Ramon,
I crushed my huevitos.

- Hi.
- Hola.

We're just here to get our friend.
We were guests here.

We just need to go through.

Q, this is crazy, bro.

She's trespassing,
and she broke in to that man's room.

Listen to Sean. You got...

What are you guys doing?
I'm just, I'm just in love.

So, we just need to go in for, just,
you know...

- You're gonna be okay.
- Wait, Kaylie!

Oh, my God. Wesley?

Hey. No. I'm just... Dude, get your...

I told you what would happen
if you came back,

and now it's happening.

Vaya con Dios.

Enjoy Mexican jail.

Kaylie!

Hey! Get out of here! That's not cool!

Oh... Fuck!

Please... let me just...
It's a misunderstanding.

Ow! Ow! Wait, b-before you go,
do you have any ibuprofen...

Señor? Please, sir!

I swear to God, when I get out,
I'm gonna take this to social media.

Señor!

Oh, my God. You guys are here.
Can you get me out?

Yes, that's why we are here.

That was the plan. But, know what?

Now, I don't know,
'cause at least you're contained here.

Very funny.

- Sweetie, this is disgusting.
- I know.

It is. Don't touch the things.

It was the wildest shit you've seen.

- Wait, Sean's here?
- Yeah. He brought us here.

- Hello.
- What up, Suge Knight?

Wow. I like
what you've done with the place.

So, got some good news.
The good news is that

the hotel is dropping all the charges.

So, you, my friend, are free to go.

- Was there a bribe?
- Daddy took care of it.

And just so we're clear.
In this scenario, I'm not "Daddy."

"Daddy" is Nolan.

Nolan, Nolan, Nolan.

- That little boy you've been seeing.
- Yep. Yeah, the kid who...

Sidebar, I did not think that little kid
was your type.

But apparently,
he cares about you so damn much,

he couldn't stand to see his baby
locked up.

- I'm not his baby.
- That little boy loves you.

I need you to stop talking about Nolan.

- We need to talk.
- Oh, thank God.

Remember you told us we should tell you
if you were being unreasonable?

Look, I know this has been nuts, okay?

I can't believe I spent two days
trying to break into Jared's room

when all I had to do was tell him

I don't think he should fly alone
in his condition,

wait till he falls asleep on the plane,
grab his devices,

scan his unconscious face
to unlock them, and delete the e-mails.

- It's, like, so easy.
- Wesley, stop.

Can you look at where you are right now.
You're in a Mexican jail.

What do you want me to do?
Dwell on that or rise above it?

Dwell on it. Take it in.

This is something you need to process,
at the very least for our sanity.

Yeah. You are in a relationship

where you have to lie
and pretend all the time.

Is that something that you really want?

Fine. I don't need you guys, okay?

I can do this by myself. Sean, help me.

- Can we talk about this for a second?
- Wesley, you know what?

We love you, but we're done.

And you should be done, too.

Kaylie and I, we're gonna go,

and we're gonna have
a really fantastic day in Mexico.

Can we go see Ángel?

Fuck, yeah, we can go see Ángel,

and we're gonna
meditate the shit out of ourselves.

I'm getting pregnant. Bye. Sorry.

Kaylie...

seriously?

Oh, God.

This was a terrible idea.

Twenty minutes ago,
you were so pumped up about this.

Well, I don't know what I was saying.
I was mad.

God.
Can you please not make this about you?

Oh, I'm not making this about me.
I just don't want to be here anymore.

I want the bus to pull over right now
so we can get off.

- Right on cue.
- Wait, what is happening?

People are getting ready.
We're getting close to Ángel.

You can feel the vibrations.

What? No.

Kaylie.

This is not happening.
Please make it stop. Please.

I mean, can you believe those two?
It's crazy. They just left?

Yeah! I know, right?

So selfish.

Okay. What do we think?

So, what's up with this dude?
What makes him so...

I dunno, worth all the trouble? You know?

I don't know.
He's like the opposite of a flaky LA dude.

Hmm.

He has a job. He has a house.
He's not friends with people who DJ.

Oh. So, it's a safe bet.

No-No-No. I'm obviously
not describing him right. Um...

He's very hot.

Oh, you're done.
So, he's hot and safe. That's good.

That's not it.

I mean, very first time we were together...
Sorry, fucking...

He lit candles,
he had, like, rose petals going.

He didn't even get imaginative.

It's called being romantic, Sean.
Read any book or watch any movie.

Candles and flowers.

Wow. Sounds like a Bachelorette episode.

What do you know about romance, anyway?

Uh, I was married seven years.

And what happened?
You "automatic-out" her?

No, she, she died.

Oh, my God.

- I'm so sorry.
- I'm good.

I'm moving forward.
It's been two years. I'm good.

Wait. So, you're just now starting
to date again.

Please, tell me I wasn't your first date.

And my last.

- No.
- Yeah. That shit's too complicated.

- Don't go there, okay?
- Yeah.

You were totally right.
I was in a really bad place that night.

No, this is not your fault.
This is on me. You know what? I...

I was trying to get back out there, right?
Maybe I moved a little bit too fast.

I forced myself to do my thing,
and then...

you came along, and it just got
a little bit too real for me.

- So...
- Yes. Exactly.

I'm too real too much of the time.

Even my e-mail to Jared is too real.

It's too early in our story
to be that real.

Uh, take it from me, Wes.

You're always later in your story
than you think.

Come on.

Seriously, so sorry.

So, do you wanna, like,

hang out a little more?
Maybe wait with me?

Hmm.

- I don't know these streets.
- You don't know them?

- I don't know them, no.
- Not familiar with these blocks.

I mean, you don't have to, but...
It would be... Oh, one second.

- Hello.
- Hey, it's me.

Hi, Jared.

- Is that Jarard?
- I have a surprise for you.

I'm coming to take you home.

Stop it. I'm coming home today.
You don't have to do that.

No, babe. I'm already here.

- Wait, you're what?
- Yeah. I just landed in Cabo.

- I'm in the airport.
- That's sweet.

You didn't have to...

You didn't have to come
all the way to Cabo for me.

- What?
- Is that him there?

- Where?
- There.

Who's that?

Oh, my God! Jared.

What? Are you okay?

Oh, my God.

Jared. I am so freaking excited
to be in Mexico.

Great. I guess just wait where you are.
They're taking me to the airport.

What about your computer
and all your stuff?

No. The manager at the hotel,

he sent all my bags over.
He's a really great guy.

We gotta come back here
now that I got the hookup.

Honey, you have to take it easy.

Okay? Don't even go near that computer.

No, I couldn't if I wanted to.
They've got our bags in another van.

Oh, I gotta give the phone back.

I'll get there as soon as I can,

but we got a bunch of people
we gotta drop off first,

- so it might be a few hours, okay? Bye.
- Okay.

Sorry, just making travel arrangements
with my girlfriend.

Just called me his girlfriend.

He just called me his girlfriend!
Did you hear that?

- Shut up, now this is a big deal for you.
- It is.

This means so much.

Now, you get to tell the kids

how Mommy stalked Daddy all the way
to Mexico like a bounty hunter.

I have to ask you something.
Please say yes.

Will you take me
to the airport to see him? Please?

I mean, I'm already invested, so...

- to see how this...
- Yes!

Oh, my God!

God, this is so good. What is in this tea?

Ah, I think that's just regular green tea.

I don't think so.
I mean, it's got a spice to it.

- It's so good.
- Oh, lookee here...

"Remove your inner thorn."
Mm. That sounds painful.

I know, Brookie.
I used to think it was bullshit too,

then I actually read the book,
and it spoke to me.

Oh, really?
What did it say to you?

It said "Be a tree. Find your roots."

Really? It's fascinating.

Okay.

Thanks. It's delicious.

Oh, my God. It's so hot here, I wanna die.

- Look at this. Look how big this jungle...
- Hola, ladies.

Hi.

Welcome to the heart sanctuary.

- Let's go.
- Since when is she a chick?

I never said Ángel was a man.

Well, forgive me for assuming

that a scam artist, hippie, sociopath
wouldn't be a woman.

Welcome. I'm Ángel de la Paz.

Hi. I'm Brooke de Ketel One.

I'm Kaylie.
I'm so honored to be here. Thank you.

You're so beautiful and amazing,

and I just wanna say namaste.

God bless. Shabbat shalom! Mazel tov.

Thank you. I love you.

How can I help you two?

Oh, actually, just her.

I like my healers with an MD
and access to Vicodin.

I'm sorry for my friend.
I'm-I'm trying to get pregnant.

- Have you seen a fertility doctor?
- Yes. Seen every doctor in LA,

and nothing has worked.

I'm sorry. This must be very painful.

Thank you.

There's nothing I can do for you.

What? No, I'm in Mexico.

I read all the things
about all the women who come visit you.

I can't help you get pregnant,
but I think you'll be a great mother.

Stay open, and life will bring you
someone special to mother.

Okay, you know what?
I knew it. This whole thing is a joke.

Come on. You don't need this.
You don't. Let's go.

Not so fast, Ketel One.

Thank you so much for helping out.
You're such a buddy.

And listen, I'm here if you ever...

need to talk about your dead wife.

Wife. Your deceased spouse...

who has passed away. What do you call her?

- Rachel.
- Rachel, yeah.

- Yep, that's her name.
- Makes more sense.

- I'm so sorry.
- No, you're all good. It's okay.

That's gotta be tough.

People like to skate around
the subject, you know?

But, Rachel, she...

she would've appreciated your directness.

- Was she funny?
- Oh, yeah.

That was our favorite thing to do,
was laugh.

And honestly, that's one of the things
that I miss most about her,

is having someone
just give a little nudge

and say,
"You see what this jackass is doing?"

Oh, my God, yes. The dinner-party glance.

- Yes.
- When you both clock

something insane is happening,

and you know you get to talk about it
on the drive home.

- That's my favorite.
- Yeah, me too.

- Right?
- Yeah.

Anyway, I-I'm here for you.

- Thank you, I appreciate that, though.
- Honestly, I'm a guidance counselor.

No shit!

I am. Why are you so surprised?

- People pay you to give advice?
- Yes.

- Wow.
- They will when I get a job.

That's pretty cool.

Wait, why are the vans splitting up?

It's decision time, Wes.

Do we follow Jared,
or do we follow Jared's stuff?

I say we follow Jared...

- Sean, his stuff is... Go!
- Okay!

Chill.

I know you're wondering
if this is a good idea, and the answer is:

- "Please shut up."
- Keep it up.

Oh, my God! Learn to drive! Stop!

Jesus.

- You okay?
- I'm good. We're okay.

It's like the fucking car
is giving birth to me.

- Oh!
- Shit. They're getting away. Come on!

Sean, push the car!

That's like 2,000 pounds. You crazy?

You're doing nothing.

Sean, help me flip the car. Come on!

- "Flip the car"?
- Yes, people can flip cars

- in moments of crisis.
- This is a crisis?

- Yes, my love life is a crisis right now!
- Aye-aye...

- Come on. On the count of three.
- Okay! Okay, okay.

- Okay.
- One, two, three.

Aah! Aah! Aah!

- Fuck!
- Fuck.

- Fuck you, jeep! Fuck you!
- Hey, chill.

Fuck you, goat!

- Yeah, that goat is a bitch, dude!
- The goat's a bitch?

We have no idea where we are...
Why are you laughing?

Is this for real?

- And where the hell are we?
- I don't know where we are.

- We'll figure it out. Hey.
- Oh, my God.

Hey, look at me.

We're gonna be fine.

What are we gonna do?

Um...

We walk.

Come on.

We walk.

That goat is still looking at you,
by the way.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Feel the softness of the air
as it flows through your bodily vessel.

The air is nurturing your flower,
and it's opening...

Feel the flower open, Brooke.

Feel your roots going deep into the earth,

grounding you.

You can just cut the crap, right now.

Just drop the act
'cause I know you're just a Goop wannabe.

And I also think
you were kind of an asshole

to my very sweet,
sensitive friend out there.

Well, I'm honest.
Don't you fancy yourself a truth-teller?

Yeah, I guess you could say that,

but see, I don't charge people
for my magical pearls of wisdom.

Your heart is sad.

Unbroken eye contact
is a particular kind of torture.

But you would put a bunch of fire...
Never mind.

- For a million dollars, I would.
- One million?

- Fire ants in my butt?
- What?

- That's a lot of money.
- Oh, my goodness.

Okay, this is gonna sound strange,

- very strange, but...
- Okay.

Kicking it with you
has kind of been the best part of my trip.

- What?
- Yeah.

- We were just in a car accident.
- I get it.

I get it.
You definitely come with some nonsense.

Look, meaning, you got some layers.

- Oh no, that's fair. Yeah.
- Right.

You see, that's why I think you'd make
a great guidance counselor.

You're like a kid, kind of.
Not in a bad way.

What I'm saying is,
you have a very youthful soul, you know?

Wanna hear something crazy?
I used to be in corporate finance.

- That's very weird.
- Yeah.

Very weird fit.

Not for me. But eventually,
I followed my passion, and...

that's not really working out either.

I don't know what to do.

Come on, now, Wes,

eventually you'll find that one place
that appreciates you for you.

Yeah, if that place even exists.

Don't worry so much, Wes.

The world will catch up to you.

Wait, wait, wait.

Oh, my God. Is that the van?

That van has Jared's bag in it.

He's playing in a band?

What is happening?

Ah, it's a quinceañera.

It's like a Mexican sweet 16,
only she's 15.

It's a combination of the words,
"quince," meaning "15,"

you understand?
And "años," meaning "years."

I know what a quinceañera is, Sean.

- You know what that is?
- Why's he at the quinceañera?

- He's supposed to be at the airport.
- I don't know, he's hopping out of a cake.

I do not know this man.

Dude, come on. We gotta find out
what the driver's doing here.

I wonder if they got tacos in there.

That's really not important right now.

It's the most important thing
I can think of.

Another hot pile of horseshit.

A little background. Kaylie.

Came here from Los Angeles.
My dreams were crushed today,

so I'm feeling a little tender.

I'm gonna be hosting a class
by the aqueduct tomorrow morning called:

"Losers never win,
you can eat shit all day,

and it's not ever gonna taste any better."

Fuck you. Fuck you.

You can just stop staring at me
right now. Please stop.

Stop smiling.

You have a beautiful soul. Let it out.

- I don't know what's happening.
- You're feeling your feelings, Brooke.

Our hearts are talking through my hand.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry, I can't...

uh, stop crying,
I'm sor... I just... I didn't sleep a lot.

You're crying
because your marriage is over.

No, you just saw the indentation
where my wedding ring used to be.

That doesn't mean
that my marriage is over.

It is.

You know it already,
but you haven't let yourself feel it.

Pain and sadness,
it's uncomfortable for you.

- Yeah.
- Anger feels safer.

- It does.
- Beware, beautiful Brooke,

that rage fuels you now,
but it will destroy you,

and it would destroy the life
of your child.

- You love him so much, it's so...
- I love my son.

But you have to love yourself first.

- You have to love your inner child.
- I have to love myself.

Love baby Brooke.
Do you know where she is right now?

God, baby Brooke.
I have to love her. Where is she?

You need to take care of her.

She wants an ice-cream cone.

She wants to run outside
in a field of daisies.

And I think baby Brooke
really wants to get fucked.

Mm. Mm.

Mm. Mm.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, wow.

Good news. I just spoke to Carlotta,
the owner of the hacienda.

- It's all taken care of.
- It is?

She hooked it up.
So, her brother, the driver,

he's gonna take us to the airport
when he's done.

- Thank you.
- And in a couple of hours,

you get to be
Mrs. Jared What-the-fuck.

Sterling. Cannot wait.

Mm-hmm.

Mm.

- Oh, it's okay, señor. We don't need...
- No, we're good.

- Sean, we're not guests here.
- Oh, speak for yourself.

Carlotta said to eat.
In fact, your non-eating is offending her.

Mm..

- Okay, fine.
- You ain't gotta be that mad.

- Okay.
- Take a bite.

- Oh, my God.
- It's good, right?

- It's really good. What is that?
- It's crickets.

- What?
- Yeah.

- Crickets on the top.
- Why would you let me eat that?

- The chapulines?
- Oh, God. I'm gonna kill you.

Wow. You know, such a classy date.

Oh, like you were such a better date.

Well, excuse me.

Why don't you show me
how it's done, Coach?

You want me to show you
how to be on a date?

- I gotta get back out there.
- I will train you.

- Oh, you're gonna train me? Okay.
- Ah, huh.

- Wesley Darya.
- Sean McGuire. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, Sean.

Why are we shaking for so long?

I don't know. It's your training, Coach.

So, what do you do?
I just realized I don't even know.

Oh, architect.

- Architect? Oh, my God. That's awesome.
- Yeah. Thank you.

I love... buildings.

Me too.

So, what are you working on now?

Um...

Nothing.

Oh, just taking a break?

I guess you could say that. I...

Well, ever since Rachel died,

I have taken a leave of absence,
and I just haven't gone back.

- Yeah.
- Since then?

Yeah, it's been a while.

I'm so sorry.

That's gotta be really hard.

Yeah. But you know...

gotta get back out there.
At least, that's what my friends say.

They're all worried about me,
so that's why I'm here.

What do you think?

I think...

I think I'm doing the best I can.

Hey, do you wanna dance?

I am not a dancer.
I should start with that.

- Okay.
- But I would love to dance with you.

- Oh, here we go.
- Let's go.

- Goodness. Okay.
- Over here.

Whoa!

Oh, boy.

What is that?

Whoa!

Oh!

Come on.

Oh!

Come on.

Yes, Sean!

How are you so good?

Can't believe you slept with my shaman.

Oh, my God.
Everything is so clear to me now.

I'm gonna leave Dave.

- I never liked him for you.
- What?

Yeah. He couldn't keep up with you,
and so he resented you for it

and tried to drag you down.

But that's not what the person
you're with is supposed to do.

- They're supposed to build you up.
- Why did you never say anything?

Because it's your thing to discover.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

I'm really sorry about today.

I just don't know what I'm gonna do.
It's the one thing I've always wanted.

And I know you don't like hearing this,
but there are other ways.

I know adoption takes forever, but...

Well, not if you wanna adopt an older kid.
The foster care system can't place them.

Tad's been talking about it.

- Oh, yeah?
- I just can't believe

how fucking frustrating it is.

Why does it come so easily
for everyone else?

I'm just so sick of my body not working.
I wanna fix it.

And what if you can't fix it?

Don't you still deserve to be happy?

Kinda feels weird talking about
all this stuff without Wesley here.

Yeah, well, if Wesley were here,
we wouldn't be talking about our stuff.

- God, that's sad.
- But true.

Yep. It's bad.

His dad is dead. Isn't that so sad?

So, I just wanna be clear.
You sent this to him?

- Yes, I sent it.
- On purpose?

With my friends.
Yeah, very much on purpose.

Very crazy.

- Yeah, it's very crazy.
- Yeah.

- You wanna know what I would do?
- Sure.

You should let him read it.

- What? No.
- I'd let him read it.

- I'm not letting him read it.
- Yes!

Look, he's gotta like all sides of you.

You don't wanna pop up
with a little bit of crazy one day,

and then, surprise! He's out.

I know you think this guy
doesn't know me very well,

but just so you know, he knows...

- he knows my essence.
- Oh, he knows your essence?

Cool, cool, cool.
What is his favorite thing about you?

So many things.

At some point, I'm sure he said,
"Know what I love about you? You're..."

He has mentioned that he...

likes that I'm the last...

normal girl in LA.

Look, Wes. You are a lot of things,
but normal definitely is not one of them.

- Normal's not one of them.
- No.

That's very accurate.

If you ask me, maybe you should be
with someone who loves that about you.

I don't even know if I love that about me.

All right.

Oh, my God. Wait, we're here.

Look, um, e-mail me.

Call me, text me, whatever you wanna do.
I wanna know how this all plays out.

Thanks for being there.

Yeah. This was fun.

I had so much fun with you.

- I had a lot of fun.
- Right?

- Today was a fantastic day.
- Thank you.

Thank you.

You took me on a journey.
I'm not that adventurous.

I'm really not.

Well, I am a little manic, so...

I can appreciate that.

Thanks.

Um...

Okay.

- Yeah, I should go.
- Um... Yeah.

Okay.

Hmm. Okay.

- Okay, bye.
- Right, yeah.

Right, right, right, right...

You take it easy.

- Oh, my God. Jared!
- Oh, hey.

- Hi! Are you okay?
- You made it. Hi!

Ow! I'm kidding. I'm fine.

Oh, God. You scared me.
Oh, he's fine.

- Hey.
- Hey.

I missed you.

Finally. Thank you. Gracias.

Thank you.

- I'll take you to the gate myself, okay?
- No, I can take him to the gate.

- Please, take care of him. He's weak.
- I will. He's mine.

Gracias, Pilar. Thank you, Pilar.

She's very attached to you.
Let's get you to LA, huh?

Are you excited?

Back to civilization...

- Back to civilization. Yes.
- And air conditioning.

And 2,000 e-mails. Actually,

do you think my phone
has any charge in it?

No, I don't think it's charged.

- You shouldn't even be carrying stuff.
- Just a little...

No, I'm fine...

- Oh, my God.
- I got that.

You should not be doing things

- like holding laptops.
- Hey, Wes, there you are.

- Look who made it to the airport.
- Hello...

ladies.

I just got here from Los Angeles.
This is Jared.

- Hi.
- Jared, these are my...

Some acquaintances.

Hey, Jared.

- Jared got really hurt recently.
- Yeah, this is not the usual getup.

- Oh, you're in great hands.
- So sweet. She's so selfless.

- Florence Nightingale.
- Yeah.

- So great to see you guys. Okay.
- So nice to meet you.

- We can't wait to run into you again...
- Totes. Don't wanna end up like me.

- Soon.
- Literally don't remember

- those girls.
- Or not soon.

Okay.

Why don't we get you another Percocet
so you could pass out?

No, I don't wanna get too wrecked.

The doctors wouldn't prescribe it
unless it was safe for you to...

- Okay, well...
- take as much as you want.

- There you go.
- Thank you.

Good night.

Mm-hmm.

Got it?

Oh, long time no see.

- Hello.
- Hi.

- Have a safe flight.
- You too.

Well, they sure pop up everywhere.

- Hey.
- Yeah?

Babe, look over there.

That guy.

What is he doing? That's crazy.

- I don't know. It's just feet.
- "It's just feet"?

He should be banned from the plane.

- Don't make a big deal out of it.
- Disgusting.

Okay?

What?

Jared?

Jared.

- Hmm.
- Jared.

Sorry. Are you awake?

I... What? Yes.

I'm really...

really worried about...

showing this to you,
but I want you to know that, um...

I wrote an e-mail...

to you during those five days
that you went missing

where I... just, a little bit,
lost my mind...

and I just need to show you that e-mail.

Well, I don't know
how you got into my phone, but...

- Yeah, I just scanned your face.
- That's for...

Oh. Okay.

Have you started yet?

Oh, yeah.

- I know...
- Wow, this is just mean.

I know, I'm so sorry.

If we're gonna do this, you need to know

me at my best and at my worst,

which...

this e-mail is my worst.

- Pff. This stuff about my dad. That is...
- I'm sorry.

I know.

This was me just one night

after you had disappeared
for five days, and...

- This is hurtful.
- I want us to be real.

You know, like,
both let our mustaches grow out.

"Our mustaches"?

I have a mustache.
This is the thing I'm talking about.

Like, you don't know that.
But you should know,

if I don't take care of it,
I, too, can grow a mustache.

That's not... The point is,
the Band-Aid's been ripped off now,

and I just wanna be real with you.

The good and the bad.

We don't have to pretend.
We don't have to pretend to be perfect.

You've just been pretending
to be somebody else?

Don't you wanna just get to know
the real me?

No.

I want that girl.

This girl's... crazy.

Jared, don't do this. Come on.

- Excuse me.
- Wait.

- Miss?
- What are you doing?

Um...

Is there another seat open that...

this stranger could sit in?

Maybe surrounded
by a bunch of other liars?

No. You know what? Forget it. I'll...

Come on, don't embarrass me. I'll go.

I'm really sorry, okay?
I'm sorry about everything.

Kaylie? Brooke?

Kaylie.

I'm really sorry.

Your attention, please.
Baggage from flight 746

can be retrieved at carousel B.

Baggage from flight 746
can be retrieved at carousel B.

Sweetie, it's gonna be okay.

This fucking trip. What a mistake.

Yeah, it sucked.

I mean, honestly,
Jared has a ridiculous notion

of what women should be.
I'm not like a trophy pet.

It must be so hard to feel unappreciated.

What?

What are you... Is that a dig?

- What are you doing right now? I'm...
- Wes...

we're just feeling a little neglected,
that's all.

- Hmm.
- Look, I'm sorry that I've been...

a little wrapped up in Jared.

"A little"?

Did she just say "a little"?

Wes, you've been obsessed
to the point of blindness.

- I know.
- Wesley, I'm getting a divorce,

and Kaylie is adopting a baby.

What? When did this happen?

We were apart for six hours.

That's all the time that it took
because you weren't there,

sucking up all of the energy in the room,
and we had time to think.

Good for you.

You figured your shit out
with superhuman speed.

I'm sorry I'm not as together as you are.

Wes, when you say things like that,

it sounds like you don't take
our problems seriously.

Kay, of course I take
them seriously.

You think your problems are worse.

They are worse.

I am failing on every level.

And you are the reason why.

You think I don't know that?

I live it every day, okay?

I am alone. I have no one.

- How can you say that?
- Because it's true!

You have two best friends
who love you unconditionally.

We just flew to fucking Mexico

to make your world work.

How is that not enough for you?

Because it just isn't.

Oh, my God.

Wow.

I can't.

- Guys, where...
- That's it, Wesley.

- Oh, come on.
- We need a break.

- Fine, I'm sorry.
- We're done.

Don't leave.
How am I supposed to get home?

You guys, all I have are pesos!

Wesley, hi. This is Doug Evans
from Atwater Village Charter School.

Uh, my good friend, Sean McGuire,
recommended you

for a guidance counselor position.

If you could please
give me a call back. Thanks.

We were just a group of parents
that were unhappy with

how our school was being run.

So here we are,
just trying to do it better ourselves.

That is so cool
that you're trying something new.

Really. Oh, I checked out
the seventh-grade curriculum,

and I had some thoughts. Um...

I was just thinking...
I mean, unless I'm overstepping.

No. Not at all. That's why we hired you.

We want you here for your voice.
I'm excited about your ideas.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

And it looks like
you already have guests in your office.

Eden Williams.

Sent her boyfriend a topless pic,
and then...

he forwarded it
to the entire lacrosse team.

- Hi, Eden.
- Hey.

Oh.

- If you need me to, I can...
- I got this.

No. Technology mishaps are kinda my thing.

Thank you so much.

It's okay. Are you okay?

It's not a big deal.

My friends are just jealous
that I have a boyfriend and they don't.

Do you wanna know something about love?
It can be fucked up!

Don't tell anyone I said "fuck."

Yeah, I followed a dude to Mexico.

I got arrested and electrocuted,
and I'm currently not with this person.

But your friends?

They're the ones
who can help keep your head on straight.

'Cause they know you,
they're looking out for you.

Trust me, boyfriends come and go,

but if you're lucky enough
to have great friends,

I would hold on to that.

What about you?

Do you have that?

Hey, Brooke. It's Wes. Um...

I just...

I just wanted to call you and tell you
I miss you so much. And...

see how you're doing,

how you and Dave are doing.

Um...

I don't know if you've been
to Kaylie's house recently,

but I'm in the area
if you're around or wanna talk.

Um...

I would really love that. I...

Brooke, I have to call you back.

Kevin, come here, buddy.

Kevin.

Kevin.

Oh, my God.

Kevin!

Kevin.

Kevin.

Kevin.

Come here.

Come on, buddy. Help me out.

Hey, Kevin, these are my nice pants.

Kevin! Kevin!

Kaylie.

She's getting her baby.

Oh, my God.

Ow!

Kevin, you Nazi dick!

Ow.

- Sweetie, what's... Wesley?
- What in the world was that?

Kevin?

Wesley? Kevin? Let me...

- He's very violent.
- Sweetie.

Sorry, I was trying to rescue your cat.

What's going on?

I know you're mad at me.
And you probably don't want me here,

but if I could say something...

As I was chasing after Kevin,

I was thinking, why does this cat
keep trying to escape?

You know,
you're the best parents he'll ever have.

I mean, really,
he has a terrible personality

and literally looks like Hitler,

and you guys feed him,

and you love him,

and you look after him.
And then it dawned on me,

I'm Kevin.

What? I...

I'm flawed and I'm complicated

and maybe even a little broken,

but you guys love me without judgment.

I think I just felt
like I was falling behind, and...

if only I got my dude, I'd be okay. But...

- I get that.
- I get that.

I don't need a dude to be okay.

- And that has to do with the two of you.
- Yeah.

And, much like Kevin,
I feel like I've taken you for granted.

- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.

So, I'm sorry.

Sorry?

- Was... Did she say, "I'm sorry"?
- I couldn't hear.

I'm so sorry. I'm...

begging you to forgive me.

And I know that was a lot.

Ma'am, you must be so lost.

Please know that Kaylie and Tad

are gonna take such good care of
your baby.

Oh...

Hey, Wesley,
this is Noelle Grey from Coldwell Banker.

- Putting the house on the market.
- Just selling the house.

I had a completely different narrative
in my mind.

Oh, my...

Hi. How are you?

Uh, hey. Um...

- You look great.
- Thanks. So do you.

- What are you doing here?
- I was looking at your Instagram.

You posted where you were.

I know
I'm probably not supposed to admit that,

but I'm trying to be honest
and own my eccentricities.

- Right.
- And I thought I would come say hi.

- Yeah, cool.
- Where are your friends?

- Um, where are my friends?
- Oh, my God.

This isn't a bad time, is it?

Yeah, you know, a little bit. I...

- Oh, hi.
- Oh, shoot.

- What's this? Are we speed dating?
- No. Um...

This is Wesley.

- Wesley... we're old friends.
- Yeah.

- And, this is Ellen, my...
- Blind date.

- Yeah, that's pretty much...
- It's weird to say out loud.

- Yeah, someone set us up.
- Oh, my gosh.

That's so awesome.

- Awesome.
- She was like, "I know this nice guy."

And I was like,
"Okay. I'm not doing anything

on a Wednesday." So...

It's going okay. I'm talking too much.
This feels weird. So...

- Do you... You should sit down.
- No, no, no.

I should call my mom.

Her basement flooded yesterday,
so I should check on her.

- Oh, no.
- You guys, sit.

You haven't seen each other
in a long time.

I hope her mom figures that out.

Listen, I won't stay long. Um...

I owe you a big thank-you.

You recommended me for that Atwater job.
Is that true?

- This is true.
- Thank you. I got it.

I know. I know.

Look, it's not a big deal.
People come to me

asking for guidance counselor
recommendations all the time.

Oh, they do?

Well, guidance counselors,
drug dealers. Those two.

Thanks for recommending me
for the first.

- Yes, I did. Yeah.
- I will try to not get fired.

If you do, you can be a drug dealer.

- Oh, yay.
- Yeah.

You got options, girl.

- Oh, man. It's so good to see you.
- Yeah, you too. Well...

Um, listen, I wanna say something,
and I know this is weird

'cause you're very much
on a date right now, but, um...

I like you.

And I know I was hung up on Jared,
but that's not my guy.

And I feel like I'm myself around you.

What if we just...

What if we gave it a shot?

I like you too. I...

But?

Wes, I don't think I'm...
I don't think I'm there.

You're literally on a date right now.

This is casual.

What we had in Mexico was real.

You would be more than just a date.

You see, you deserve somebody
that's gonna sweep you off your feet.

Am I able to be that person again?

I wanna say that I am, but honestly...

I just, I just don't know.

Okay, I'm sorry I interrupted.

- Thanks, Sean.
- Wes.

Hey.

So...

basement's okay,

but my brother's missing.

I'm sorry. What?

Like, on a date.

Wes.

Look...

I wasn't supposed to meet somebody
so fast.

You know?
I was... just getting my feet wet.

Oh, my God. You don't need to say that.

I... honestly, it's fine. I'm fine.

That's the thing, Wes.
I'm not okay with just being fine.

I want more than that. I wanna be...

crashed out on the side of the road,

yelling at a bitch-ass goat...

with you.

I wanna watch you dancing, you know?

Like you have nerve damage.

Wes, you are messy...

and complicated...

and so perfectly you.

And I haven't felt like this
in a long time,

and I don't want it to end.

Me neither, Sean.

Wesley Darya...

will you marry me?

- What?
- What?

No, I don't wanna marry you,
but I would like to date you.

Why do you think I'm here?
I've been thinking about you ever...

Shit.

Hey.

Yeah, no, the blind date's not going good.

'Cause he's kissing another girl
on the street.

I'm serious.
Why does this keep happening to me?