Deconstructing Harry (1997) - full transcript

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I could never
get those fires started.

Dad, are you gonna have chicken?
You want meat?

Chicken's fine.

This is a brilliant article.

Norman!

Did you read
Ken's article on China?

-No, I haven't.
-Terrific article.

Where is Ken?

In the house
watching the Yankee game.

Your husband. Comes for a day
in the beautiful countryside...

heads for the television set.



Ken, come on, honey!

How many people want chicken,
and how many want hamburgers?

Two more outs! Three minutes!

I think everybody's dying
for a little libation.

Why don't you make
your famous Stoli martinis?

Janet, when are you and Ken
gonna have a child?

You've let your sister
have a big head start.

Let Leslie practice viola
for six hours a day...

then it's not so easy.

Leave her alone.

I came in here to make drinks
for everybody.

What are you doing?
You want a drink?

Sure.

This is nuts.



We gotta get out of here.

Oh, God.

We're gonna get caught.

They're by the lake.
I can see everything.

They're deep in conversation.

Wait! There's Janet!

Ken...

You can't scare me like that.
I grind my teeth.

Just don't scare me like that.

It was nothing.
Just a false alarm.

Try not to actually chew.

Wouldn't it be great
if we could be alone together?

Just relaxed, you and me?

It would be so great.

That would be so great.

Let's hang in. You never know
what's gonna happen.

Come on. Open wide.

Ken, turn the Yankee game off
and come on out here now!

I will! Just one minute!
It's almost over!

God. I'm done.

You can come anytime you want.

Can I?

I'm ready!

Leslie, is that you?

Can you lead me
down to the lake?

Can you give me just a minute,
Grandma?

I'm just--I'm making martinis.

Sure, dear.

I want to finish.

Oh, Ken?

Is that you?

Finish what?

Come, Ken.

Come?

Come lead me down to the lake.

Ever since I lost my second eye,
I feel so frail.

You don't have to moan about it.

It's not that terrible.

Ken is hurrying, Grandma.

Would you do the olives, Ken?
Quickly?

Oh, you know,
you can use onions, too.

I prefer onions, don't you, Ken?

Boy, you must really love
onions.

How much do I--

Lucy?

You schmuck! You bastard!

I'd like to cut your head off.

You're upset, right?

How could you? Didn't you know
what would happen?

What?

Don't answer me, prick.

You knew.
You just didn't give a shit.

Why don't you take
your coat off and just...

How could you write that book?

Are you so selfish?

You're so self-engrossed
you don't care who you destroy?

You told our whole story!

All the details.
You gave me away to my sister.

Marvin's left me. He's gone.

It was loosely based on us.

Don't bullshit me, motherfucker!

Who do you think
you're talking to...

one of those retarded
talk-show hosts?

I lived through it with you.

I know how loosely based it is.

Hey, what are you telling me...

that your blind grandmother
caught us fucking one day?

No, No. Of course.

You made a few
stupid exaggerations...

or, as the critics say,
"inspired comic flights."

But Jane recognized it.

You'd have to be submental
not to.

And Marvin was crushed!

Jane suspected us.

I can't tell you how long
Jane suspected us.

I know! I denied it!

And now you've gone...

you've gone
and confirmed it all for her.

Big fuckin' deal--
you made Leslie shorter.

Big fuckin' deal!

But it's all here.

The poor schmuck country doctor,
the violinist...

her younger sister
cheating with her husband.

The picture window,
for Christ's sake!

Cruel observations
about Marvin...

with his barbecue
and chef's hat.

And, of course, Jane...

or, as you pathetically
disguise her...

Janet.

Here it is.

"It was not simply that Leslie
had become numbed...

"with the inane spate
of leaden perceptions...

"that passed for wit
from Marvin.

"It was not even the image
she shared with Ken...

"of Marvin's flaccid,
microscopic member...

"jiggling up and down
as he bounced naked...

"across the icy floor
of their Connecticut home...

"to close the storm windows.

"It was that she
had never loved him...

"but wanted to have children...

"to retaliate against
her older sister...

"who did not have
a maternal bone in her being...

"and whose every inch,
Leslie felt...

"was occupied
by gluttonous self-love.

"Ken ran his hand over
Leslie's large round breasts...

"and mounted her from the rear."

Big fuckin' deal.
You gave her large breasts.

Leslie, please--

Lucy!

I'm Lucy, motherfucker!

Not Leslie.

Except, of course,
I am Leslie...

because you made no attempt
to disguise anything.

You didn't give a fuck!

You didn't care enough
to disguise anything!

Please! Jesus!

You pulled out two years ago.

You broke my fuckin' heart.

You left your wife and me...

for some little cooze!

Me and Janet!

Jane. Janet is the character.

Now, two years on...

your latest magnum opus...

emerges from this sewer
of an apartment...

where you take
everyone's suffering...

and turn it into gold.

Literary gold.

Everyone's misery.
You even cause them misery.

Mix your alchemy
and make it into gold...

like some fuckin'
black magician!

Give me a break.

I'm the one who wound up
in Bellevue.

-You deserve it and worse.
-Lucy!

You've ruined my life!

I've come here
to blow my brains out!

What's wrong with you?

In front of you on your carpet
because you caused it.

My fuckin' brains
on your carpet!

You're so fucking unstable!
Will you relax?

That's why you picked me.

That's what turns you on
about me--

Jane's crazy sister.

Calm down.
You're not gonna kill yourself.

No, you're not,
because it's not in you.

You're not the dramatic type.
You never were.

Jane is the dramatic sister.

Jane is the solo violinist.

Relax. For Christ's sake.

You're right.

I don't have the nerve
to kill myself.

I knew it as I came over here.

I said, no, not me.

Better...

to kill him.

Pardon me?

Kill the black magician...

so he can't spin any more gold
out of human misery.

What's wrong with you?

-Shut up!
-Put it down!

You're so fuckin' verbal!

Who else could have talked me
into giving him a blow job...

at my father's funeral?

Lucy, think it over.

You stop right there!

Don't shoot!
Don't pull the trigger.

Look, If it makes you happy,
my life has been going badly.

I've been miserable.
My girl left me.

She went off
with a close friend of mine.

Insomnia. I've got herpes.

I've squandered
everything I have

on shrinks and lawyers
and whores.

...fatigue syndrome.

I'm not gonna stand up here
on this fucking roof...

with a world-class
meshugana cunt...

and beg for my life.

If you want to, shoot me.

I was working. You interrupted.

So whose life
were you exploiting today?

You'll be very happy--

I was working on
an autobiographical thing...

about when I was first married.

Harvey Stern married too young--

mainly to get out
of his parents' apartment...

which was
a rent-controlled cornucopia...

of guilt, antagonism,
and soul-deadening criticism.

By day, he labored listlessly
in a shoe store.

By night, he glowed intensely
over his Remington portable.

Are you coming to bed?

Rosalee, I'm in the middle
of a sentence...

I'm feeling rejected because
we never sleep together anymore.

I don't know what it is.
I'm just not attracted to her.

Is she doing something
to put you off?

It's my fault, too.

And I lie. I tell her
I'm too wrapped up in work...

but the opposite is true.

I'm hyper-sexually aroused,
just not for her.

-Who for?
-Anyone else.

She has a sister.
I'm dying to fuck her.

A doll. Thick lips.

Her friend from Columbia.
Jennifer? I dream of her.

I never thought I could care
about African history...

but she's spellbinding.

The truth is,
I never meet or see a woman...

that I don't wonder what it
would be like in bed with her.

I met a great hooker.

A hooker?

Yeah. Beautiful.

From China.

Unbelievable body.

Schooled by tradition
in the art of pleasing men.

It's 50 clams.

Wouldn't you be cheating
on your wife?

It's not cheating.
She's a hooker.

It's not like
I'm having a love affair.

You don't feel
for a professional girl...

the way you do for your wife.

She comes over,
rubs on her oils...

Oils?

Into the sack,
she takes you to the moon.

You lay half a C-note on her,
and she's history.

Where would you do it?

I couldn't have her come
to my apartment.

Get a hotel room.

That's what I do
when the wife's home.

I don't have that kind of dough.
Fifty's a lot in itself.

Maybe a friend
will let you use his place.

Kid, you're always bitchin'
about your sex life.

I'm trying to help.

I tell her
you gave me the number?

No, no. Not my name.

Don't use your real name.

No, of course.
Not the real name.

Tell you what you do.
You borrow a friend's apartment.

You use his name.
That way, it'll be on the bell.

Now good fortune
smiled on Harvey...

as one of his closest friends,
Mendel Birnbaum...

was hit by a car...

and lay hovering
between life and death...

at New York hospital...

thus freeing up an apartment
for Harvey's tryst.

Donning the other man's
silk robe...

Harvey became the swinger
Mendel Birnbaum...

and awaited his Oriental
passport to paradise.

You must be Mendel Birnbaum.

Did you enjoy it?

Are you kidding?
I'll be right back.

Where you going?

I'm gonna see
if I can find another 50.

I'd like to go again.

Open.

Who is it?

Who are you?

I've come for you.

What are you talking about?

I'm Death,
and your name is on my list.

No, no, no. Wait a minute.
You've made a mistake.

You don't have a minute.

I'm not Mendel Birnb--

Don't give me that bullshit!

Look at your monogram.

Mendel, who are you talking to?

Stop calling me Mendel.

I'm just using his pad.

Right.

They always have an excuse.

Let's go.

Move it, you little putz.

I'm standing on the roof,
and she's pointing a gun at me.

We're out in the cold,
and I'm panicked.

I'm telling her about a story
I wrote when I was younger...

and she found it funny,
thank God.

She laughed.

She relaxed a little.
She put the gun down.

And you know.

So your writing saved your life.

It's amazing to me.

The interesting thing to me...

apart from the obvious
sexual guilt...

that I had when I was
a young man in the story...

is that nothing's changed.

It's years later.

I had a shrink then,
I have a shrink now.

I'm 6 shrinks later.

I'm 3 wives down the line...

and I still can't get
my love life in order.

I still love whores.

To me, the ideal thing
is you pay them...

and they come over
to the house...

and you don't have to discuss
Proust or films or--

I don't know
what's been happening to me.

You know,
I just have not grown up...

and I feel, you know,
it's not...

I see other guys my age.

I'm always thinking of fucking
every woman I meet.

I meet a woman, a stranger,
a woman on the bus...

I think, what would she
look like naked?

Is it possible I can fuck her?

This is crazy.

I see guys I know
that are lawyers and doctors.

They have families and houses.

They're not so...

Does the President
of the United States...

want to fuck every woman he met.

Bad example.

But I don't know.

Take Raoul Wallenberg.

Did he want to bang every
cocktail waitress in Europe?

Probably not, but...

Tell me about
your honoring ceremony tomorrow.

Oh, that's bullshit.

It's ironic that the same school
that threw me out years ago...

now wants to honor me.

Why'd they throw you out?

Because I was not interested
in college.

I wanted to be a writer.

That's all I cared about
was writing.

I did not care
about the real world.

I cared
only about the world of fiction.

And, plus, I tried to give
the dean's wife an enema...

so they didn't take
kindly to that.

But the sad thing is...

I gotta drive upstate
to be honored...

and I have to go by myself.

I got nobody to go with.

It's, you know, I--
OK, so--

And--
You know, I can't--

What about bringing your son up
with you?

It's not my visiting time
with him.

And Joan
is completely inflexible.

She won't trade dates with you?

I can't even
get her on the phone.

She hates me.

I don't know. Lately...

For the first time in my life,
I experienced writer's block.

This, to me, is unheard of.

I start these short stories,
and I can't finish them.

I can't get into my novel
at all...

because I took an advance.

I don't know.

I find that I'm taking
more pills and medicine and...

You remind me
of that short story...

you were working on
maybe two months ago--

The Actor.

This goddamn lens
has something wrong with it.

This one, too?
I changed lenses.

The focus is off.

I don't know why.

It's out of focus.

All the lenses can't be soft.

Let's move it along.

It's getting late.
Let's move it.

I'm trying to shoot Mel,
and he's soft.

Where are you renting
these lenses?

The lenses are fine.

Holy shit. Mel's out of focus.

That's what I said, genius.

I don't mean the lens.
Mel himself.

Let me see.

You're right.
Mel's out of focus.

What are you talking about?

The actor's out of focus.

How can this be?

Is there something wrong?

Mel, come here.

I don't know
how to tell you this.

You're soft.

I've gained a little weight.

It's not that. You're soft.

You're out of focus.

I don't know why.

Is there anything we can do?

I can't adjust this.

Just look at yourself.

There's nothing to do.

You sure you're OK?

It's fuzzy.

I feel fine.

Mel's out of focus.

He's soft.

I don't know what to do.

It's almost 4:00 anyway.

Why don't we just wrap?

We'll wrap
and see what happens.

I want you to go home and rest.

See if you can sharpen up.

Grace, I'm home.

Hey. What's the matter?

You look strange.

I'm out of focus.

Yeah, you are.
Just a little bit.

And you look pale.

Daddy, you're all blurry.

Maybe you should lie down.

Daddy's out of focus!

Daddy doesn't need that, OK?

You be nice.

What happened at work?

Daddy's out of focus!

Rueben! Stop it!

They thought it was the camera.
Then...it was me.

They sent me home.
It's so humiliating.

Did you eat anything strange
at lunch? Any shellfish?

This isn't an allergic reaction.
I don't know what it is.

I just need to get
a good night's sleep.

I'll be OK.

I'm sure that's all it is.

What happened to you?

You get a good night's sleep,
and tomorrow you'll be fine.

The following morning, however,
things did not improve.

In fact, the situation
had gotten worse.

Mel was more out of focus
than ever.

I gotta get to the doctor.

I've never seen anything
like this.

Nothing's is wrong with you,
except you're out of focus.

What's the matter?

It's from looking at Mel,
I'm seasick.

That's why I want everyone
to try these.

I don't want to wear glasses.

Wait. Let's see.

Put 'em on
so you can see me, son.

This is much better.

You'll be able to see me.

Put those on.
Daddy'll be sharper.

Don't you want to see Daddy?

Put those on,
and we won't get headaches.

Despite the fact that children
don't want to wear glasses...

they're forced to.

You expect the world to adjust
to the distortion you've become.

I don't expect anything.

I'm going through something--
I don't know what.

For the first time in my life,
I can't seem to write.

It's not coming.

And for me...

all I have in life
is my imagination.

I'm sorry. Our time is up.

Have a good time
at the honoring ceremony.

I think it would be good
for you and your son...

if you brought him along.

Joan, you never
return my phone calls.

Oh, leave me alone.

Do you want me to call
the police?

I've got to ask you
one question.

I don't want to listen to you.

Tomorrow they're honoring me
at Adair, my old university.

I want to take Hilly.

He has school tomorrow.

I want to trade
one visitation day.

I have plans with Hilly.

It'll be good to see.

The kid will see
his father honored.

I don't want him to see you!

He'll have a day in the country.
Will you stop for one second?

A day in the country.
What is so bad?

He is nine years old.

Where does he learn phrases like
"banging beaver" and "fuck God?"

What, from me?

What do I look like,
an imbecile?

I know what your conversations
are like with him...

and don't think I didn't hear
about Open School Week.

Beth Kramer has never been
so appalled in her entire life!

Dad, why doesn't my penis
look like yours?

Why doesn't your penis
look like mine?

Because your mother and I
never had you circumcised.

When I was your age,
every kid in my neighborhood--

you know what they used to do?
They'd name their penises.

I'm going to name mine
Dillinger.

Dillinger is perfect!

Dillinger is great!

Hilly, you're inspired.
You're a genius.

Dillinger was one of the great
geniuses of his profession.

Like Willy Sutton.

Remember when we discussed
Freud once?

Freud said the 2 most important
things to having a good life...

are the work that you choose
and sex.

Those are the 2 things.

Women are God.

God's a woman?

I'm not saying God's a woman.

There are women.

We don't know if there's a God,
but there are women...

not in some imaginary heaven,
but right here on earth.

And some of them, Hilly,
shop at Victoria's Secret.

Beth Kramer has never been
so mortified in her life.

Beth Kramer's an aggressive,
tight-assed, busybody cunt...

and it's none of her business
how I speak to my son.

Beth Kramer is a decent parent
and a great friend.

Oh, Bullshit.

I'm asking you to change
one visitation day.

What is so terrible?

He is not gonna miss
a day of school.

What if he was sick?

He would miss school.

But he is not sick...

and he's not gonna
spend the afternoon...

with his pill-popping,
alcoholic...

beaver-banging excuse
for a father.

Years ago,
you didn't say that about me.

You didn't think that.

You were a nice, loose,
easygoing spirit.

Put it in a book!

What am I saying?
You already did.

Epstein had married
his third shrink.

He had confessed his feelings
toward her several times...

and it seemed she had put it
down to transference...

but one day, she surprised him.

I think it best...

that we terminate
your treatment.

And then I think...

we should give it
a substantial period of time...

and then if we both feel
the same way...

I think we can begin
to see each other again...

socially.

It was, to Epstein's thinking,
a match made in heaven.

Here, at last, was a woman
who understood him.

You know all my secrets,
every nuance of my psychic life.

There isn't a feeling or desire
that I haven't admitted to you.

Now it's your turn
to explore me.

But all my perversions,
you accept them.

My need to be tied up,
to watch you with other women...

to feel your spike heels
in my mouth.

No one can say
that I didn't know...

what I was
letting myself in for.

The first 2 years were amazing.

They moved into a large
Westend Avenue apartment.

He wrote. She saw patients.

But her clearest insights
were into his work.

What one comes away with...

is your total isolation,
your fear of people...

your panic over closeness...

and that's why your real life
is so chaotic...

and your writing is so much
more controlled and stable.

You're unable to--

Yes, it all went quite well...

until Helen became pregnant
and gave birth.

From that moment on...

as if she had experienced
a divine revelation...

she suddenly became what
Epstein referred to angrily...

as "Jewish with a vengeance."

I rue the day I listened to you
and didn't have him circumcised.

What are you, nuts?

We can still do it.

No. He's too old.

What is wrong with you?

Now he's too old.

You're like
a born-again Christian...

except you're a Jew.

I see my father's face
in Hillel.

Hilliard.

His name is Hilliard.

We didn't name him Hillel.

We didn't name him
after some rabbi.

It's Hilliard Epstein.

No, I'm sick
of your smug cynicism.

There's value in tradition.

I never thought
it would mean anything...

but now that I'm a mother,
it does.

I see not only meaning
in Judaism, but true beauty.

Helen, you're a scientist.

Einstein was a scientist...

and a he was a Jew,
and he was religious.

Helen had taken on
the obligation of daily prayers.

Jews, of course...

fearing a wrathful
and vengeful God...

give praise and thanks
for everything.

...blow job.

Then one day,
the inevitable happened.

A patient of Helen's,
an Israeli...

who had come to her
in a depressed state...

over his wife having left him...

captured Helen's heart.

I think we should
terminate your treatment...

and give it a substantial
period of time...

and then if we both
still feel the same way...

then I think we could start
to see each other socially.

Richard.

...lost in thought.

I was thinking about a book
I wrote.

-I'm a mess.
-What's the matter?

I'm on my way to the doctor's.

I'm having severe pains
in my chest.

That's nothing.

That's indigestion, gallbladder,
ulcer, or acid reflux.

I've got a family history.

My father
died of a heart attack...

my mother dropped dead
of a massive coronary...

and both my brothers were dead
before 50 from heart failure.

I don't know
why you're wasting time.

You should get an ambulance.

-Are you busy?
-I was gonna see my editor.

I hate going
for these tests alone.

My mother died
giving birth to me...

for which my father
never forgave me.

Funny. I wish before he died
I had forgiven him.

We're morbid, 'cause you think
you're dying, but you're not.

Today, they got lasers,
all kinds of things.

You and science, right?

There's nothing wrong
with science.

Between air conditioning
and the pope...

I'll take air conditioning.

I'm scared. Really scared.

Can we change the subject?

I have writer's block.

For the first time in my life...

I can't come up
with a meaningful idea...

something that holds
my interest.

Since Fay left you,
you've been having trouble.

I'm seeing Fay later.
I'm having a drink with Fay.

That's very good.

She's good for you.

She's a lot better...

than a lot of those
other crazies that you--

Ow. My God, my arm.

I'm telling you, it's nothing.

I'm not scared.

You're in great shape.

You have a little bursitis
in your arm, but...

Oh, that's fantastic.

What do I always say?

The most beautiful words
in the English language...

are not "I love you,
but "it's benign."

We could do more tests,
but I don't think so.

-This is fantastic.
-Your heart's in great shape.

While I'm here...

I hurt my back a few weeks ago,
opening a subzero refrigerator.

Let me schedule you.

Let me buy you a cup of coffee.

I don't have time.

What are you doing tomorrow?

I'm busy. Why?

I'm going to my old university.
They're honoring me.

I'm looking for company
to come with me.

I don't think I can get out
of this thing, but that's great.

Congratulations.

So you look great.

Thank you.
You look a little tired.

'Cause I'm struggling
with this book.

Naturally,
I spent the advance already.

I'm having a tough time.

The reason that I wanted
to have this drink was--

Can I get a red wine,
exact same thing that she has?

I wanted to be the first
to tell you...

that I'm getting married.

Oh, don't say that.

-Why?
-What do you mean, why?

Because I love you.

How can you get married?

Who? is it Larry?

Yes, it's Larry.

I knew that.
I don't fucking believe this.

This guy's allegedly
a friend of mine.

He's the devil.

I should never
have introduced you.

When Larry's around,
I smell burning sulfur.

Can we have your blessing?
Can I have it?

You don't have my blessing.

I don't want you to get married.

I don't want you to.

I should go.

I was your pupil.

It was Henry Higgins
and Eliza Doolittle.

That's what it was,
and that's what you loved.

But it didn't work that way.
What do you want me to say?

Why did you
fall in love with me?

You gave me those lectures
on love in the Western world.

I didn't think I could.
I thought I was too damaged.

But it's not...

I woke up one morning...

and I looked at you
over breakfast...

and I thought to myself,
"God, this is what they mean.

"This is what
they're talking about."

Those warnings about how
I wasn't supposed...

to fall in love with you.

But then I fell in love
with you.

...another jerk fan.

That I would fuck you
and move on to the next fan.

But it didn't happen that way.

You were a fan and a follower...

and then a pupil,
and then you were a roommate.

And before I knew it...

you were the one who had control
of the channel changer.

I loved you.

I was in awe of you.

But I wasn't in love with you.

...to my old university.

They're honoring me,
if you can believe that.

Give me a chance
to talk you out of it.

Spend one day with me.

I'm getting married tomorrow.

Tomorrow you're getting married?

The day I'm honored--

I can't fucking believe this.

You're getting married tomorrow?

Yes. It's been planned
for months.

Don't do it!

While Goldberg was asleep
one night...

the devil
entered his apartment...

and abducted
his beautiful blond love...

and carried her off to hell.

The following morning...

Goldberg noticed the odd smell
of burning sulfur.

Harry Block?

You're Cookie?

Cookie Williams.

You wanted me here at 10:00?

Yeah. Jesus.

Shall we get to it?

You don't want to talk
a little first?

Talk? Why?

Really? Most guys don't like
to just jump right into bed...

without a little talking.

They think
it's too businesslike.

Oh, not me.

...tie me up.

Whatever you want.

Let's get the monetary part
out of the way.

Then we can relax.

Absolutely. You get 200?

That's right.

You want me to tie you up?

Tie me up, hit me a little bit,
and give me a blow job.

A blow job, then hit you.

No. Hit me, then the blow job.
I want to get the order right.

Otherwise, it's no fun.

Tie me up, hit me, blow job.

What do you want me
to tie you with?

Well, truth is, I thought
you were gonna wear stockings.

Cookie,
you're a definite artist.

They should put your lips
in the Smithsonian.

It took you a long time.

I didn't think you'd make it.

I was having a problem focusing.

Finally,
I got the right fantasy.

I thought of a woman
I saw on Sixth Avenue today...

and I coupled her
with Svetlana Stalin.

It's the daughter
of the dictator.

It worked for me.

What do you take medicine for?

Me? Depression.

What are you depressed about?

Depressed.
Don't you ever get depressed?

Doesn't your work
ever get you down?

It's OK. Beats the hell
out of waitressing.

Every hooker I ever speak to
tells me it beats waitressing.

Waitressing's got to be
the worst job in the world.

It's unbelievable.

What are you sad about?

I'm spiritually bankrupt.
I'm empty.

What do you mean?

I'm frightened.

I got no soul.
You know what I mean?

Let me put it this way.

When I was younger...

it was less scary
waiting for Lefty...

than it is waiting for Godot.

Aw, you lost me.

You know that the universe
is coming apart?

You know what a black hole is?

Yeah.
That's how I make my living.

You know, I gotta tell you,
Cookie....

a great writer
named Sophocles...

said that it was probably
best not to be born at all.

Honey,
it's a little too late for that.

I fought it.

I didn't want out.
They had to come and get me.

You want another blow job?

How come?

It's on the house.
No charge.

'Cause them pills you taking
sure ain't working.

I'm just in a peculiar mood
tonight...

'cause I had
some bad news today.

Let me ask you a question.
What are you doing tomorrow?

Hustlin'.

Why don't you come with me?

Where?

I'm going up to my old school
'cause they're gonna honor me.

I got nobody to share it with.

I'm serious. Come with me.

I'll give you 500 bucks
for the day.

Sleep here tonight,
come up with me tomorrow.

How come you got all this money?

I always keep
hooker money around...

'cause I once paid
by check years ago...

and the IRS killed me.

Fay, when you get this message,
if it's not too late...

I don't want you
to get married...

because I love you,
and I want to marry you.

You...

I was looking at my last book...

the part where we met...

and I tried to exaggerate it
to make it funny...

but it was actually
very romantic.

She can't hear.

I'm in town to see Les Mis.

I have a free hour.

I don't know if I can.

I got our usual place
at the Wyndham.

It's been almost two weeks.

We'll have to make it fast.

I can't make it believable
for so long.

You'll be back in an hour.

I have to be done
by then anyway.

Think I'll take a walk.

Now?

'Cause I thought
that I would just...

just to get some fresh air.

Excuse me.

Are you Harry Block?

Your writing has been
so meaningful to me.

Thank you very much.

Can't believe
I'm in the elevator with you.

It's no big deal.

Are you staying here?

I'm meeting someone.

Oh, my God.

What is this?

It's stuck again.

If this was one of my stories...

this elevator would get
stuck between floors...

and the two of us would start
a major affair and fall in love.

Promise me
you won't fall in love with me.

Definitely not.
Not a good idea.

Why?

Because I'm too screwed up.

I have too many quirks.

I have trouble being faithful.

I have too many phobias
and craziness.

But I fell in love with you
before I met you...

when I read you.

But you fell in love
with my work.

That's a different thing.

I love your work,
your imagination.

But this is not a book.

You know what I mean?

We're not characters
in a fictional thing.

So don't fall in love.

Kiss me.

Promise you won't
fall in love with me.

I promise.

The subway took forever.
I'm sorry.

You said you weren't coming.

We said 10:00.

I'm sure that's what we said.

I called you last night.

When did you call me?

I called you at 9:30 last night.

You were writing--

We spoke on the phone?

Of course.

My mind has been playing tricks.

This is Cookie.
This is Richard.

How are you?

What's so special
about this honor?

The man is being honored
by the school that expelled him.

If only Hilly could see me--
he'd be so proud.

I know, and it's sad...

but short of kidnapping,
he ain't coming.

-This is ridiculous.
-Don't worry.

You're going to get in trouble.

Come on, boys.

Dad? What is it?

We're not going to school today.

What are you doing? Stop it!

It's an emergency.

What are you doing? Come on.

You! Stop it!

You can't do this!

Get out of the car!

Somebody stop this man!

He's a deviant!

Somebody stop him !
Somebody call the police!

When the red, red robin...

comes bob, bob, bobbin' along.

-Go faster.

There'll be no more sobbin'
when he starts throbbin' his...

old sweet song.

Wake up, wake up,
you sleepyhead.

Get up, get up, get out of bed.

Cheer up, cheer up,
the sun is red.

Live, love, laugh, and be happy.

It's fabulous here.

It's beautiful. I love it.

A Ferris wheel.

Look at the swings.

Want to go?

Very good.

High-five.

I am going to smoke this joint.
Want some?

I can't stand that stuff.

See that place there?

That Red Apple Rest?

Years ago,
my then-wife Jane and I...

were coming from Connecticut--
her sister's house--

and we had this awful fight.

She was having her period.

We stopped there
to get water for her Midol.

I don't want a child.

Don't bring it up, especially
in front of my parents.

I don't understand you.

We've discussed it.

-Don't I get a vote?
-You have a child.

Who I never get to see.

That's not my fault.

I like being a father.

I chose a different life
than Lucy.

You knew that.

You're dedicated to work.

That means we can't
have children.

Since when are you a family man?

Don't think I don't see you
staring at Lucy.

What?

Don't play ignorant.

You watch her walk, sit.

You can't keep your eyes
off her toes.

Are you nuts?

What are you suggesting?

I wouldn't put it past you...

if you weren't dying
to have a thing with her.

She's a neurotic,
suburban hausfrau.

I have no interest in her.

Your level of denial is intense.

You're suffering from
a premenstrual nuclear meltdown.

You want a hit?

That smoke is killing me.

I'm going to the bathroom.

I'll catch you later.

Cold fish, your third ex-wife.

She never would have made
a good mother.

Who are you?

It's me--Ken.

Look at this guy.

You created me.
Now you don't recognize me?

I'm a little high
because of her smoke.

How'd you hook up with Jane?

Jane was fine.

Jane was having her period,
so she was irritable.

It wasn't just her period.

She was a cold, selfish woman.

She's so self-involved...

she doesn't realize
her sister hates her.

How do you know so much?

I'm just you, thinly disguised.

You gave me more maturity
and a different name.

What are you saying?
That I know this?

Of course you do.
That's why you picked her...

so it wouldn't work--

so you'd never have
to give up sport-fucking...

and chronic dissatisfaction
and grow up.

I'm not going to get lectured
by my own creation.

You can't fool me.

I'm not like your shrink.

He only knows what you tell him.
I know the truth.

Her sister Lucy--
another head case.

You sure can pick 'em.

Even she was better than Jane...

more maternal,
and she loved you.

You weren't there
the day your bomb dropped...

but take a look.

He left me.

Our marriage is finished.

I'm so sorry.

Are you shocked?

Yes and no.

Things have not been good
for some time.

I knew he played around.

You never mentioned that.

I don't like to discuss
my private life.

I suspected Lynn, his editor.

Then I thought it might be
Allison Davis, our friend.

I even thought he might
have a crush on you.

Me?

You're very beautiful.

We've spent
a lot of time together.

You two get along well.

Obviously, I knew you never
would in a million years...

but I imagined
he longed for you.

I think I even heard him
mention your name in his sleep.

My goodness.

That's absurd.

Really.

You're all red.

Are you OK?

Since we're talking openly...

I have a confession.

Life takes strange twists
and turns.

It overwhelms us.

We're not responsible
for our feelings.

Everybody's feelings
are irrational.

But to hear from your husband
that he found another woman...

He said that?

He said his future
is all mapped out.

I'm going to be frank with you.
Just try and hang on--

I'm being replaced.

But it doesn't have to be
a nightmare...

if we're all
just mature about it.

Replaced by a 25-year-old.

Excuse me?

A 25-year-old--
a wannabe writer.

Fay Sexton is her sexy name.

What's the matter?
Now you're white.

Have you eaten anything today?

Have a drink.

Finish that.

Hard to believe him
when he's a liar.

I'm weak.

What's wrong?

You'd think he dumped you.

I know you feel bad for me,
but I can handle it.

-Air!
-I'm in shock today, but--

I want to speak to Fay.

It's Harry Block.
I've been trying to reach her.

This is an emergency.

I've got to talk--

Tell her to call me back.

It's the car number.

The car.

Give up.
She's in love with someone else.

This guy is too old for her.

He's younger than you.

I'm much too old for her.
It's ridiculous.

Because of my immaturity, I have
a boyish quality that works.

Is it much longer?

We were just at the fair.

You walked, ate.

How much longer is it?

It won't be long.

My sister lives
10 minutes from here.

We'll surprise her.
It'll be fun.

You can eat, walk around--

She's your half-sister.

But it'll still be 10 minutes...

not five, just because
she's a half-sister.

It's wonderful.

It is so funny.

-Do you think so?
-And it's sad.

I really loved it.

You're so great, so kind.

You have such a sweet,
kind instinct.

Don't do that.

I count on you to be critical,
to be tough.

You're too easy on me.

What was wrong with the story?

It had no energy.

I became discouraged with it.

It doesn't release any power.

It came to nothing.

I thought it was touching.

You knew when the boy grew up
he would never love.

It was beautiful.

Your problem is you love
too easily, too much.

I think you're beautiful
and great and too kind to me...

and lovely.

But you're not in love with me.

I told you not to fall in love
with me, and I meant that.

I still have not been able
to figure out why.

Because l'm the boy
in that story.

I can't love.

I don't want you
to get into anything.

You love Hilly.

What?

Because Hilly's my son.

It's easy to love a little kid.

You love music.

You love baseball.

Baseball's also easy,
because it has rules.

It has foul lines.

Women are complicated.

Happy birthday.

You're kidding.

Open it up.

You didn't have to get anything.

It's probably another sweater.

A baseball
signed by the 1951 Giants.

That's so great.
The '51 Giants were...

Bobby Thompson.

The one genuine miracle
of my lifetime.

When he hit that home run...

that was the only hint
that there may be a God.

What made you think of that?

It was easy.

You're the greatest.

It's your birthday today,
so you get any wish you want.

Anything at all that would
make your day special.

You are the greatest.

I don't deserve you.

You're too...

We were driving.

We thought we'd stop in
to see you.

This is Richard and Cookie.

I'm your Aunt Doris.

Remember your Uncle Burt?

Would you like a cookie
or something like that?

Come in the kitchen here.

I got to go to the bathroom.
Where's the john?

You just go right through there.

Over there?

I thought we'd drop in.

You're the last person
I ever expected to see.

Don't say that, Doris.

What's with Cookie?

Cookie's the nanny.

Where did you get her from,
an agency or a massage parlor?

She's sweet.
What are you picking on--

Still with the sexpots,
the tramps, the vihlde chayes.

She's got a Ph.D.

I don't know how she did
on her written...

but I'm sure she got an A-plus
on her oral.

Give me a break.

I'm driving upstate.

I take the time to say hello.

Can you believe
they're honoring me at Adair?

I can't believe it.

Not that I care, but it's great
for Hilly to see me.

The last time I saw him,
he was six years old.

You don't exactly contact me,
either.

I know what you think of me.

Don't start in.

Am I wrong?
It's all over your book--

"Jewish," "too Jewish,"
"professionally Jewish."

You attributed it all
to your ex-wife Joan...

but you gave her
the details of my life...

because you wanted to depict her
with contempt.

I don't know
what you're talking about.

You don't know?

You made a picture of your ex
as a horror.

In order to make that picture
unsympathetic--

you used some of her--

but mostly, you caricatured
my religious dedication.

Because it enraged you
that I returned to my roots.

What roots? You were
a wonderful, sweet kid.

You got me through my childhood.

Then you go away
to Fort Lauderdale...

and you meet this fanatic--
this zealot.

He fills you
full of superstition.

It's tradition.

Tradition is the illusion
of permanence.

You have no values.

Your whole life,
it's nihilism, cynicism...

sarcasm, and orgasm.

In France, I could run
on that slogan and win.

I'm a Jew. I was born a Jew.

Do you hate me because of that?

If our parents converted
to Catholicism...

a month before you were born,
we'd be Catholics.

They're clubs.
They're exclusionary.

They foster
the concept of the other...

so you know clearly
who you should hate.

That's enough.

If a Jew gets massacred...

does that bother you more
than if a gentile gets hurt...

or a black or a Bosnian?

It does.

I can't help it.
It's my people.

They're all your people.

Burt is right about you.

You're a self-hating Jew.

I may hate myself,
but not because I'm Jewish.

He says he's not
a self-hating Jew...

and look how he talks about them
in his stories.

Max and Dolly Pincus
were married for 30 years.

They raised two children...

and there was never a family
wedding or bar mitzvah...

where they were not
generous participants.

Max, how are you?

Yossel, mazel tov.

For Donald.

Thank you.

Dolly, you got a private minute?

Sure.

We are leaving in a few minutes.

I don't know
if I should tell you.

Tell me what?

Tell me, and I will tell you
if you should tell me.

My heart is heavy.

What happened?

Nothing terrible happened
to your husband Phil, did it?

He has been dead
for so many years.

When I was in Florida
last week...

I ran into a man...

who heard from someone
who knew someone.

Anyway, it seems Max
has some secret from his past.

You're talking about my Max?

A dark secret.

-What kind of a dark secret?
-Dark.

What is by you dark?

I don't know.

What kind of a dark secret?

We have been married
for 30 years.

You're his first wife?

Sure.

Before me, he worked for--

All right.

What?

You heard something different?

I heard only a dark secret.

Do I know what dark secret?

Who told you?

Wolf Fishbein.

Be careful.

That's all I want to say.

Dolly tried putting
Elsie's words out of her mind...

but Max's dark secret
plagued her.

Then one day,
she ran into Wolf Fishbein...

and the truth was revealed.

Try to breathe deeply.

You were right.

Fishbein told me a tale.

Max, before I met him,
he lived in Florida.

He had a store--groceries.

He was married.

Now it comes out.

To a woman with two children.

Max had other children?

The woman's children,
from a prior marriage.

He began an affair
with the downstairs neighbor--

a widow.

He probably had
all his hair then.

Meanwhile, he got into debt
deeper and deeper...

and carry on with the neighbor.

My heart.

He can't get himself
out of a predicament.

What does he do?

He stole money.

I should be so lucky.

He killed his wife.

The man purchased an ax.

With an ax?

You know Max.

He's nothing with tools.

He can't even hang a picture.

I'm dropping dead.

Plus her children.

Plus a neighbor.

Four people he killed
one night with an ax.

Your Max?

This is not the capper.

There's more?

More.

What more?

He ate them.

Are you talking crazy?

He devoured them.

I can't breathe.

Everything is closing in.

Whatever you do,
first, hear Max's side.

Max has a side?

He kills his family
and eats them up.

The man has a side?

He was a good husband and
a loving father for 30 years.

You have a daughter
who went to college.

You have a son who's a writer.

Maybe the best course of action
is let sleeping dogs lie.

Honey, would you pass
the sour cream?

You haven't touched a thing.

Nice weather!

It's OK.

It's not just OK.

It's nice!

All right, all right.

What are you getting
so steamed up about?

What makes you such
an authority on the weather?

Me?

All I said...

I know, I know.
I know what you said.

The fish is delicious.

Wouldn't you rather have meat?

Since when do I eat meat?

Mm-hmm.

With my arteries, you gotta
watch out for cholesterol.

Uh-huh.

What is the "uh-huh"?

I mean, you've been
very touchy lately.

Don't interrogate me...

Mr. Max Pinchuck!

Where did you hear that name?

Did you kill your first wife
with an ax?

I got a headache.

Did you chop her up
along with your mistress?

If I tell you why I did it,
do you promise not to nudge me?

Wolf Fishbein said
in order to hide the bodies...

you ate them !

So what are you making a fuss?

Some bury, some burn.

I ate.

Enough!

I remember
Max Pincus' Dark Secret.

That is a disgraceful story.

You don't see your sick view
of our parents?

I wrote it when I was younger.

The first of a number
of anti-Semitic pieces.

Here he is,
direct from the Wailing Wall.

Disrespectful, shameful.

Jews haven't suffered enough...

without being depicted by him
as homicidal cannibals.

He has no spiritual center.

He's betting everything
on physics and pussy!

Excuse the expression.

Wait till he gets cancer.

He'll be the first one
in synagogue...

in the front row in a yarmulke.

Why should I get cancer?
I eat broccoli.

Do you care even
about the holocaust...

or do you think
it never happened?

Not only do I know
that we lost six million...

but the scary thing is that
records are made to be broken.

I know what's out there.
Do you have any idea?

He creates offensive
Jewish stereotypes...

Like in Der Sturmer.

Max is a version of Daddy--
a man you hated...

a man you think was guilty
of being a terrible parent.

He was a terrible parent.

Thank you for dropping by.

Please come again
in another four years.

Look, wouldn't it be
a better world...

if not every group thought
they had a direct line to God?

He thinks
I'm all Jewish paranoia.

No, I don't think
you're paranoid.

I think you're the opposite
of a paranoid.

You go around with the insane
delusion that people like you.

What's the matter?

You son of a bitch!

What's wrong?

You sick, sick, sick...

sick fucking bastard!

What's wrong?

What do you think is wrong?

You've been having an affair
with one of my patients.

Who?

Don't act like you don't know
what I'm talking about!

Don't speak!

I just talked to her.
She told me the whole thing.

Who? Who?

Mrs. Pollack. Amy Pollack.

Can I explain something?

You know Amy Pollack?

Don't explain anything,
you little fucking asshole!

Will you calm down?

Don't you tell me to calm down!

-What's wrong?
-What is wrong?

I treat this woman
and she exits...

and you meet her
and you fuck her!

Supposing I told you
that my fucking Amy Pollack...

was a disguised plea
for more closeness with you?

Then I'd say
you are a mental case.

This is you
with your first wife.

You're crazy.

You were claiming you loved her,
couldn't live without her...

all the while you're having
affair after affair.

My first wife, I told you,
I was laying in bed with her...

I turned off her because the way
the light struck her.

Suddenly she looked to me
like Max Schmeling.

What do you want me to say?

Not that she wasn't pretty,
but she looked like Schmeling.

I couldn't get an erection.

Stop this tap-dancing!
This is bullshit!

It's not bullshit.

With you, it's different.
You turned off me.

Ever since Hilly was born.

We've been living like siblings.
It's been platonic.

Don't play "blame the victim"!

What are you talking about?

I'm as much a victim as you.

You think that getting
a blow job...

from a big-bosomed 26-year-old
is a pleasurable thing for me?

You're making me sick!

I can't believe
this is happening.

You're overreacting.

I'm not overreacting!

Are you trying to tell me...

that every week
for the last four months...

you've been with her
in the hotel?

Oh, that's so crazy.
No, of course not!

I rented an apartment.

I'm gonna kill you!

Hello, doctor.
I'm sorry I'm late.

Mr. Farber.

Take off your coat. Come in.

I've been...

I've been losing sleep at night.

I can't shut my eyes at night.

I think I should quit my job...

but I can't
bring myself to do it.

Maybe because my brother-in-law
treats me kindly.

But working for him...

is taking its toll on me
emotionally.

Could you excuse me, Mr. Farber?

What?

You fucked-up fuck!

I can't believe
you fucking did this!

You fucking asshole!

You fucked my patient?

Harry, you don't fuck
somebody's patient!

Fuck you!

Continue, Mr. Farber.

You lost your thread?

You were talking about
quitting your job.

Oh. Right.

I discussed it with my wife.

While she seems on the surface
to be supportive...

I know she'd rather I stay on.

She idolizes Gordon.

I mean, all the time...

that's all she does
is spend time with him anyway.

Listen, could you excuse me
just one more second?

Again?

Just continue. I can hear you
from the hallway. Loudly.

I want you to get out of here.

I want you to get
your goddamn stuff together...

and I want you out.

You know, I cannot understand...

why the most sophisticated
of women...

can't tell the difference...

between a meaningless,
hot, passionate sexual affair...

and a nice, solid,
tranquil, routine marriage.

Harry, just tell me something.

Was she the only one,
or were there others?

No, Amy Pollack
was the only one.

May God strike me dead
if I'm lying.

You're an atheist, Harry!

We're alone in the universe.
Gonna blame that on me, too?

-Stop that tap-dancing!
-Stop that!

You know,
you turned off me first.

Oh, please!

No, I gave birth.

When women give birth,
there is a time period...

when their hormones
just sort of go crazy.

But they settle.

OK, so you're telling me
that you're settling.

-I accept that.
-You accept that?

Oh, Harry,
you are so fucking nuts!

Take it easy.

Harry, if you're not happy
in a marriage, you don't cheat.

And with my patient?

That is a sacred trust.
My patient.

What do you want?
Who else do I meet?

I'm here, working in the room,
we have the baby...

you're out there practicing,
we never socialize.

So now you're blaming me...

because I don't go out with you
enough places...

where you can meet strangers
to fuck?

I was merely explaining to you
why my choice, of necessity...

is confined to your practice.

I knew you were mentally ill
before I married you...

but I thought because
I was a trained professional...

that I could help you.

The last thing you wanna do...

is get down on yourself
as a therapist.

I want you to get your shit
and get your goddamn clothes...

and I want you to get
the fuck out of here!

You are the most fucking
irresponsible person...

I've ever seen
in my entire life!

And get out!

Continue, Mr. Farber.

Doctor...

And I mean tonight,
motherfucker!

Dad, my Pepsi.

So you got even
with your ex-wife...

and with your sister,
and I was born?

Born? What are you saying?

From your pen.
From your fertile imagination.

And I mean imagination.

I wasn't trying
to get even with Joan.

You created me
as the shrewish Jewish hybrid...

who goes off
with another patient...

an orthodox divorcee
from Tel Aviv.

My sister never should have
married Burt.

This guy's turned her
into a zealot.

She loves you.

It wasn't her fault
your father persecuted you.

She was fine
till she wound up with him--

this right-wing hawk
that she's married.

Listen to him.

So she disappointed you
in her choice of husbands?

Well, fuck you. She loves Burt.

She was a wonderful kid.
She had a flair for physics.

Suddenly overnight,
she's kosher.

She loves you still...

despite your obvious
condescension towards her life.

Does she love me?

Would you like to hear
what she says about you?

He's not so bad, Burt.

He really was
a very good brother.

Just my father never forgave him
when his wife died.

The man is not a Jewish man.

He's not a Jewish man.
That's all.

All right. Poor Harry.

He was always lost.

He could just never
accept the fact...

that there are things
you can't know.

The man is incapable
of an act of faith.

For that, I pity him.

I would like to hug him again
like when we were kids.

And if I was upset,
he was a comfort to me.

What happens to us?

Doris...

She can't hear you.

And as for Joan...

Joan? Joan hates me.

Well, shouldn't she?

Why should she hate me,
because I was unfaithful to her?

No, because when she caught you,
you weren't a man.

You turned
into this double-talking...

wise-cracking, tap-dancing liar.

If she had not become
so enraged...

maybe we could've
patched things up.

Listen to this guy. Deluded.

Maybe it tapered a bit
after Hilly was born...

but you two had sex
pretty regularly.

I have no idea
why I took up with that patient.

She was available,
she was adorable.

And my marriage
was droning on.

What you call "droning on,"
most people call "working."

If that's working,
then marriage is not for me.

Well, it's not for everyone.

But then I get lonely.

Hey, what do you want me to say?

She gave me Hilly...

and for that
I'm eternally grateful...

'cause I love him so much.

You can have any one
you want here.

Can I get two?

You can get two.

Tell you what,
you get any three presents.

Go through the store
and pick any three presents, OK?

Yeah.

Look what I found.

Hey.

This is the chemistry set
you always wanted.

Look at that. It's perfect.

No, no. Don't open it here.

Let me buy it first, OK?
So I don't get into--

How you doing?

Larry, what are you doing here?

Buying my nephew
a Power Ranger.

When did you get back?

A couple of days ago.

Hey, Fay.

Meet Larry.
I told you about Larry.

Oh, yeah.
It's nice to meet you.

Old friend, colleague, peer.

Right.

So you got back when?

Two days ago.
I took a boat down the Amazon.

Really?
God, that sounds exciting.

Yes, if you don't mind
malaria and dysentery.

Butterflies the size of doves.

Never seen anything like it
before.

I can live without that,
however.

It was astounding.

It sounds it.

So you got back two days ago?

We go back a long way.

We both started out
wanting to be Kafka...

and you got slightly closer
than me.

Yeah, I became the insect
and he...

Good. I'm amazed.

We should go out.

Why don't you come to my house
in East Hampton for a weekend?

It will be great fun.

Well, let's not get hysterical.

No, I'd love to.
It would be fun.

Oh, it's beautiful out there.

It's sand in the crotch.
It's ticks.

To get this guy
to leave his room...

He's never had a tan.

I've always wanted to learn
how to snorkel.

Oh, it's great there.

Where he lives there are sharks.

You see those photographs...

of guys with stumps
for legs and arms?

Am I lying?

Yes, you are. It's fabulous.

Let me buy dinner. We'll talk.

No, we'll buy dinner.

I'd love to tell you
about the Amazon.

It changed my life.

It sounds amazing.

Gonna write a novel.
I'll tell you.

I'm not into the Amazon.
You know what the Amazon is?

The Amazon
is the tiny, little heads...

with the lips sewn together.

Can you picture him this way?

That's great.
We'll go to dinner tonight.

-Yeah, great.
-That'd be great.

Great. I'm single, available,
with the soul of a black man.

Do you smell sulfur?

Hilly, did you open
the chemistry set?

Hey, look.
We're almost there.

Hilly. Hilly, wake up.
We're almost--

Hilly, wake up.
We're almost at the university.

Your dad's gonna be honored...

limited as my curriculum was.

Richard, we're there.

Hey, honey. Wake up.

Something's wrong.

What's the matter?

I don't think he's breathing.

He's dead!

I can't believe this.

We were at the doctor's
yesterday.

They said his heart was fine.

I'm scared.

There's nothing
to be scared of, Hilly.

I'm fine, dad.

Remember I told you death
is a natural part of life?

You have to embrace them both.

What are we gonna do?

I don't know.
Get back in the car.

I don't wanna sit next to him !

Welcome to Adair University.

We certainly hope
you had a pleasant trip.

Would you like to rest up?

Would you like
some refreshments, perhaps?

Is he all right?

He's dead, honey.
You got one of them rubber bags?

We've made arrangements...

for the body to be delivered
to New York City.

I don't think he has
any immediate family, actually.

If you prefer,
we can call off the proceedings.

I think that's the best idea.

He'll be all right.
He's here for a purpose.

You know, I...

I'll see that...

that he's, you know...

that the funeral comes off
and all that.

I'll see that he's buried
properly.

I understand.

Poor Richard.
Oh, Jesus. The poor guy!

I'm not gonna make it.
I can't go on.

Not if you keep drinking
and popping pills.

Oh, Jesus.
I can't believe this.

My old school
wants to honor me...

I show up with a hooker
and a dead body.

Take it easy.

You're getting yourself
all wound up about nothing.

-Cookie, look at me!
-What?

Look! Look!
I'm out of focus!

You're a little pale,
but you're all right.

I'm out of focus. I'm soft.

You better calm down.
They'll be here any minute.

No, no. It's so humiliating.

They're gonna honor me,
and I'm a blob.

You look fine. Don't worry.

I'll be sitting on the dais.
They're eating.

They'll get seasick.
They'll throw up.

Hold my hand. Now relax.

You drive all the way here so
your son can see you honored...

and you make a jackass
out of yourself.

But don't you see?
I'm a huge blur.

You're gonna be all right.
I'm gonna talk you down.

I have seen
all kinds of guys O.D.

Heroin, acid, crack.
You name it.

I didn't take any of that stuff.

Yeah, but you're a pill-popper.

That's not what it is, Cookie.
It's me.

Have some black coffee.

I don't want anything.

Talk to me about something.
You like sports?

Yeah. I was a pitcher.

When a guy crowded the plate,
I used to throw at his head,

'cause I'm the worst person
in the world.

Honey, I've seen worse.

Who's worse than me?

Hitler.

All right. Maybe Hitler.

Maybe Hitler, Goering,
and Goebbels,

but I'm fourth,
right behind them.

Come on, hold my hand.

Can you feel my hand?

Yes, it's warm.

See? It's just panic.

You're not a blob.

I know.
I'm gonna get over this.

I'm having a panic attack.
I have these attacks.

What sports do you like?

I like them all.

I like baseball.
I like basketball.

I was married to a woman,
Cookie, who--

she looked like Max Schmeling.

No, I'm not joking.

All right, it's time.

I can't get through this
without you.

Don't worry about it.
Don't worry.

If you didn't come
with me today...

Don't worry about it.
Straighten up.

I gotta get a tie.
I gotta get my tie.

All right. Let's go.

Are you ready to be
immortalized by Adair?

I teach your books.

These are some
of my literature students.

We all know all your work,
your characters...

even the obscure ones.

Good reading is a creative act.

So are you working
on anything now?

Something we can look forward
to sinking our teeth into?

I'm in the midst of writing
a thing on the devil...

who comes and kidnaps
a man's one true love...

and takes her down to hell,
and he goes to retrieve her.

Since it's hell, I'm able
to settle a lot of old scores.

What's the man like?

It's me, thinly disguised.

In fact, I don't even think
I should disguise it anymore.

It's, you know, it's me.

Floor five: subway muggers,
aggressive panhandlers...

and book critics.

Floor six: Right-wing
extremists, serial killers...

lawyers
who appear on television.

Floor seven: the media.

Sorry.
That floor is all filled up.

Floor eight:
escaped war criminals...

TV evangelists, and the NRA.

Lowest level. Everybody off.

What did you do?

I invented aluminum siding.

Dad.

Get me out of here!
This is terrible!

You know how
I could never stand hot weather.

What is this man doing here?

He's condemned
to eternal suffering.

Harry, help me.

I don't understand.
I demand to know the charges.

"He behaved unconscionably
toward his son...

"accused the boy
of committing a capital crime...

"merely by being born."

"Your wife,
they told me, is dead...

"but your son, he's thriving."

Why did he fight not to be born?

Look, I forgive him.

What's over is over.

It's finished.
Let him go to heaven, please?

I'm a Jew.
We don't believe in heaven.

Where do you wanna go?

To a Chinese restaurant.

Take him to Joy Luck.

I love him despite everything.

Looking for someone?

I'm here to get Fay.

She's not coming with you.

What are you telling me?

Because you're the head
of this whole underworld...

that you can just abduct her
and get away with it?

I'm gonna kidnap her back.
What are you laughing?

You dare to match your powers
against mine?

You wanna know why?

Yeah, I do.

I'm sorry.
Forgive me for laughing.

Why?

I'm more powerful than you
because I'm a bigger sinner.

Because you're a fallen angel,
and I never believed in God...

or heaven or any of that stuff.

I'm strictly quarks
and particles and black holes.

All the other stuff
is junk to me.

And also I do terrible things.

I've cheated on all my wives,
and none of 'em deserved it.

I sleep with whores,
I drink too much...

I take pills and I lie
and I'm vain...

I'm cowardly
and prone to violence.

Violence?

I once almost ran over
a book critic with my car...

but swerved at the last second.

Did you ever have
two women at once?

Yes, I did have
two women at once.

And I'll tell you
something else.

I didn't care
that it was exploitive.

And I'll tell you
something else.

-They were sisters.
-Really?

Yes. Absolutely.
Two blond WASP sisters.

Not the Sherman twins?

Yes, the Sherman twins.
Exactly.

They're here.

-The Sherman twins are here?
-Sure.

So, do you know Sandra Pepkin?

Only the best blow job
in the hadasa.

So if you know Sandra Pepkin...

I fucked her best friend,
the cripple, Pearl.

Oh, Pearl in the wheelchair.

Speaking of handicaps,
do you know Marie Taylor?

Well, yes,
but Marie Taylor I don't count.

Marie Taylor's dyslexic.

She put her tampax
in her nose.

You ever fuck a blind girl?

No, that I never did. Did you?

They're so grateful.

Would you like a drink?

Could I get some tequila?

I got great tequila.

Sit down.
Make yourself at home.

You want me to turn on
the air conditioner?

You're air conditioned here?

Sure.
It fucks up the ozone layer.

I could be very comfortable
down here.

I'll tell you something, Harry.

I love it. I love it here.

I wouldn't be anyplace else.

Here you go.

You know, I've been offered
a lot of jobs in your world...

but why should I be an employee?

Here I'm my own boss,
and I'm free.

What kind of jobs
did they offer you?

For two years,
I ran a Hollywood studio...

but you can't trust
those people.

I agree with you.

Better to rule down here
than to serve in heaven.

That's Milton, I think.

To evil.
It keeps things humming.

Oh, jeez. So you kidnapped Fay?

Yes, I did.

But some women are turned on...

by aggressive, assertive
behavior.

Yeah, so if I suddenly
kidnapped her back?

You kidnap?
It's not your style.

You're not a fun guy.
Too serious.

Fay knew that.
You're too angry at life.

-I got a lot to be angry at.
-Who doesn't?

But sooner or later, Harry,
you gotta back off.

It's like Vegas.
You're up, you're down...

but in the end,
the house always wins.

Doesn't mean
you didn't have fun.

Now, one thing you are not
is a kidnapper.

Kidnapper!

Listen to me!

Get out of my way!

Can't you see you're walking
with a fucking kidnapper?

You'll have to come
with me, sir.

You're under arrest.
I gotta put the cuffs on you.

You stay over there.

How can I kidnap my own son?

Hey, we got drugs in the bag.

Let me go, bitch!
Just let me go!

Get off of me, bitch!

Can't I be honored
and then arrested?

No, we can't do that.
I'm sorry.

Kidnapping?

Prostitute in your car
in possession of marijuana.

Possession
of an unlicensed firearm.

I told you already
about the firearm.

There was a crazy woman
on my roof shooting at me.

I got the gun away from her,
I put it in my car.

I was gonna hand it in.

I gotta make another phone call.

You made your call.

Yeah, I know,
but that didn't count.

That was to my girlfriend's
answering service.

I'm trying to keep her
from getting married.

You also called your sister.

My sister wasn't in.

You called your lawyer.

My lawyer was at Canyon Ranch.

I can never get my lawyer.

Can I give you some advice?

You're in deep shit.

This time,
I think you've really had it.

Hey, it was your idea
to kidnap Hilly.

It was my idea?
It wasn't my idea.

I made a joke.

You don't have to act out
on every impulse.

You've got to tell me
the truth.

Is it better being dead?

No, it's not really,
but there's one good thing.

You don't get called
for jury duty...

but then you have no options.

It's not for you.

Jesus. I'm no good at life.

No, but you write well.

I write well,
but that's a different story...

because I can manipulate
the characters and plots.

You create your own universe...

but that's much nicer
than the world we have.

But I can't function
in the world we have.

I'm a failure at life.

I think you bring pleasure
to a lot of people.

But even that's drying up.

For the last months...

I haven't been able to come up
with a meaningful idea to write.

Make peace with your demons
and your block will pass.

Jesus, it sounds so trite,
but I just want to be happy.

To be alive is to be happy.

Take it from me.

Hey, Block. Come on.

Some people
just put up your bail.

This way.

You?

We got the message
on our service.

Came right from our wedding.

You did?

We're on our way
to our honeymoon.

-You got married?
-You have to ask?

I can't believe it.

In the end,
you chose him over me?

I can't fathom this.

You're gonna insult me
after we ran from the altar...

to keep you from rotting
in prison?

I know you get claustrophobic.

Plus you're the perfect punk.

You'll get buggered
by every con in the cell block.

You're the guy
that should be in there...

because you stole her
from under my nose.

Harry, he did not steal me.
I love him.

I can't fathom this.

I appreciate your coming,
but I can't--

Why? Why not me?

You told me I wasn't supposed
to fall in love with you.

How could you listen to me?
You know how crazy I am.

Well, you were my mentor,
that's why.

But you were sleeping
with your mentor.

So? I've slept
with my gynecologist.

What has that got to do
with anything?

You're gonna snorkel
down the Amazon with him...

when you could have me?

I will never be
the writer you are.

You put your art into your work.

I put it into my life.

I can make her happier.

I love you.

I do. It's just that
I'm in love with Larry.

I'm his wife.

I love you, too, Harry.
Give us your blessing...

so that we can go and enjoy
our honeymoon.

We'll be in Santa Fe
about a month...

and when we come back, we'll
all go out. We're friends.

This is where you're going
on your honeymoon?

He's taking you to the desert?

Sand? The desert is cactus.

It's gila monsters...

whatever you call them,
lizards, is the desert.

Harry, give us your blessing,
please?

Give 'em your blessings...

before I throw you back
in that fucking jail cell...

and I bugger you.

I don't know what to say.
I love you.

This guy I've loved...

I give up. I give up.

We'll get you home, all right?

Santa Fe, you're gonna take her?

Tacos.

Harry, what about
the honoring ceremony?

We haven't had the ceremony.

The police interrupted.

What, am I dreaming?

Everybody dreams.

Come on.

Professor Clark
has everything planned.

Can I bring Hilly?

Well, it's your dream.

Stebbins Hall?

Everyone is waiting
to honor you.

After all, you created them.

I love all of you.

Really, you've given me...

some of the happiest moments
of my life...

and you've even
saved my life at times.

And now you've actually
taught me things...

and I'm completely grateful--

I think the author's message
is to know yourself...

stop kidding yourself,
accept your limitations...

and get on with your life.

It's amazing.

To me, it's a really interesting
character--

a guy who can't function well
in life...

but can only function in art.

It's sort of sad in a way
and also funny.

But your books all seem
a little sad on the surface...

which is why I like
deconstructing them...

because underneath
they're really happy.

It's just that
you don't know it.

I feel like I'm in a dream.

This, for me, is the best dream
I've had in months.

The happiest dream--

Oh, I like it.

I like it.

A character who's too neurotic
to function in life...

who can only function in art.

Notes for a novel.

Opening possibility:

Rifken led a fragmented,
disjointed existence.

He had long ago come
to this conclusion...

all people know the same truth.

Our lives consist
of how we choose to distort it.

Only his writing was calm.

His writing, which had
in more ways than one...

saved his life.

SUBRip by Cristo
Marc2008 (2009), The Netherlands.