Deadpool (2016) - full transcript
This is the origin story of former Special Forces operative turned mercenary Wade Wilson, who after being subjected to a rogue experiment that leaves him with accelerated healing powers, adopts the alter ego Deadpool. Armed with his new abilities and a dark, twisted sense of humor, Deadpool hunts down the man who nearly destroyed his life.
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
(SONG PLAYING IN HINDI)
(WIND WHOOSHING)
I'm kinda lonesome back here.
- (MUMBLING)
- (GRUNTS) Yeah, little help.
Okay, um, just, I have to keep
my hands on the wheel.
(CONTINUES GRUNTING)
Excuse me. Whoo!
(CHUCKLES)
Ah, Dopinder.
Pool. Dead.
Hmm, nice.
DOPINDER:
Smells good, no?
Not the Daffodil Daydream.
The girl.
Ah, yes. Gita.
- Hmm.
- She is quite lovely.
She would have made me
a very agreeable wife.
But, um...
Gita's heart has been stolen
by my cousin Bandhu.
He is as dishonorable
as he is attractive.
Dopinder, I'm starting to think
there's a reason
I'm in this cab today.
Yeah, sir, you called for it,
remember?
No, my slender brown friend.
Love is a beautiful thing.
When you find it,
the whole world
tastes like Daffodil Daydream.
(DOPINDER GRUNTS)
So you gotta hold onto love...
- ...tight!
- Ah.
And never let go.
Don't make
the same mistakes I did.
- Got it?
- Yeah.
Or else the whole world tastes
like Mama June after hot yoga.
(STUTTERS) Sir, what does
Miss Mama June taste like?
Like two hobos fucking in a shoe
filled with piss. Okay, enough.
I can go all day, Dopinder.
The point is, it's bad!
Hmm, it's bad.
Uh, why the fancy
red suit, Mr. Pool?
Oh, that's because
it's Christmas Day, Dopinder.
And I'm after someone
on my naughty list.
I've been waiting one year,
three weeks...
six days and, oh...
14 minutes to make him fix
what he did to me.
And what did he do
to you, Mr. Pool?
This shit...
Boo!
(CHOPPER BLADES WHIRRING)
(SIGHS)
They won't disappoint.
They'd better not.
And what about
next month's shipment?
There won't be one.
You're not the only one
with a war to win.
That won't do.
See, we've had
this small disruption
to our supply chain...
(CHOKING)
We'd appreciate your patience.
(GRUNTS) Okay.
We'll deliver in full
the following month.
(GASPING)
Pleasure doing business with you.
Fucking mutant.
(ENGINES ROARING)
Oh, shit!
I forgot my ammo bag.
Shall we turn back?
No, no time.
Fuck it. I got this.
9, 10, 11, 12 bullets,
or bust.
Right here!
(TYRES SCREECHING)
That's, uh, $27.50.
I... I never carry a wallet
when I'm working.
Ruins the lines
of my suit.
- Oh.
- But, uh,
how about a crisp high five?
Okay.
Merry Christmas.
And a convivial Tuesday
in April to you too, Pool!
♪ Hey, yeah
I wanna shoop, baby
WADE: (SINGING)
♪ Shoop shooop ba-doop, shoop ba-doop
♪ Shoop ba-doop,
ba-doop, ba-doop
♪ You're packed and you're
stacked 'specially in the back
♪ Brother, wanna thank your
mother for a butt like that
♪ Can I get some fries
with that shake-shake boobie?
♪ If looks could kill
you would be an uzi
♪ You're a shotgun, bang! ♪
Wha... Oh!
Oh, hello. I know, right?
Whose balls did I have to fondle
to get my very own movie?
I can't tell you,
but it does rhyme
with "Polverine."
And let me tell you,
he's got a nice pair of
smooth criminals down under.
Anyway, I got places to be,
a face to fix and, oh...
Bad guys to kill.
(POP MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
Maximum effort.
(GROANS)
(GRUNTING)
WADE: Cock shot.
(SCREAMING)
(MOCKINGLY) Ha!
(GRUNTS)
Rich Corinthian leather.
WADE: I'm looking for Francis!
Have you seen this man?
(GROANS)
- Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
- (RADIO STATIONS CHANGING)
WADE: Ow. Ow!
Yanky, yanky!
- (GUN FIRES)
- (SCREAMS)
(MACHINE GUN FIRING)
- (WADE GASPS)
- (GROANS)
(SCREAMS)
- (MAN GROANING)
- (CAR ACCELERATING)
(GRUNTING)
(TYRES SCREECHING)
(CONTINUES GRUNTING)
(SCREAMING)
(MUFFLED SCREAMING)
WADE: I've never said this,
but don't swallow.
(MAN GROANING)
(GUN COCKS)
(GRUNTS)
Shit.
Did I leave the stove on?
(THUDS)
(TYRES SCREECHING)
REPORTER: (ON TV)
Now, breaking news.
A multi-car collision
turned shots fired
on the crosstown expressway
this morning.
Gridlock has kept
police from the scene.
Residents are advised
to remain in their homes.
The assailant
appears to be armed,
dangerous, and wearing...
- a red suit.
- A red suit.
Deadpool.
Negasonic!
Come, we have mission.
NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD:
Colossus, wait up.
I've given Deadpool
every chance to join us...
but he'd rather
act like a child.
A heavily-armed child.
When will he grow up and see
benefits of becoming X-Man?
Which benefits?
The matching unitards?
The house that blows up
every few years?
Please.
House blowing up
builds character.
You ate breakfast, yes?
Breakfast is most
important meal of day.
Here, protein bar.
Good for bones.
Deadpool may try
to break yours.
(JET ENGINE ROARING)
(PEOPLE CLAMORING)
MAN: Get out of the way!
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING
AND SCREAMING)
- WADE: Hey! Whoo!
- (GUNS FIRING)
(WOMAN SCREAMS)
WADE: Wait!
You may be wondering,
"Why the red suit?"
Well, that's so bad guys
can't see me bleed.
This guy's got the right idea.
He wore the brown pants.
(GUN FIRING)
Fine!
I only have 12 bullets...
so you're gonna
have to share!
Let's count them down.
(GUN FIRING)
(GROANING)
(FIRING CONTINUES)
(GROANS)
(TYRES SCREECHING)
Shit.
Motherfucker!
Ten! Shit!
Nine. Fuck.
Eight.
Shit-fuck!
(GRUNTS)
Bad Deadpool.
Seven.
Good Deadpool.
(BULLETS RICOCHETING)
(GUN COCKS)
Oh!
(GRUNTS)
(GUN CLICKING)
- Someone's not counting. Six.
- (GROANS)
(GUN FIRING)
(EXPLODING)
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
- (MACHINE-GUN FIRING)
- Oh!
(GROANS) Four...
- (GUN FIRES)
- (GROANS)
Gotcha.
(GRUNTS)
Right up main street.
Three, two!
Stupid! Worth it.
(GUNFIRE CONTINUES)
(GUN FIRES)
(ALL GROANING)
(CLINKS)
(SNIFFING)
Ah!
I'm touching myself tonight.
Francis!
Francis...
What the shit-biscuit!
Where you at, Francis?
(GROANING)
(GROANING LOUDLY)
You're not Francis.
Really?
Rolling up the sleeves?
(GROANS)
WADE:
You're probably thinking,
"My boyfriend said
this was a superhero movie...
"but that guy in the red suit
just turned
"that other guy
into a fucking kabab!"
Well, I may be super,
but I'm no hero.
And yeah, technically,
this is a murder.
But some of the best love
stories start with a murder.
And that's exactly
what this is, a love story.
And to tell it right...
I gotta take you back
to long before
I squeezed this ass
into red spandex.
MERCHANT: Look, would it help
if I slow it down for you?
I didn't order the pizza.
Is this 7348 Red Ledge Drive?
Are you Mr. Merchant?
Yeah, the Mr. Merchant who
didn't order the fucking pie!
Then who placed the call?
WADE: I did!
(TOILET FLUSHING)
Pineapple and olive?
Sweet and salty.
The fuck are you?
The fuck you doing
in my crib...
Is it burnt crust?
I... God,
I hope not. Um...
Whoa... Man, look,
if this is about that poker game.
(STAMMERING)
I told Howie, I told him that...
Okay, uh, look,
just take whatever you want.
- Thanks.
- Sir...
...before you do
anything to him,
do you mind
if I a get a big tip?
(CHUCKLES)
Uh, Jeremy, is it?
- Umm-hmm. Yeah.
- Wade. Wade Wilson.
That is a no go
on the tiperoo, Jer.
I'm not here for him.
I'm here for you.
Oh. (CHUCKLES)
Okay, wow, dodged
a big-time bullet on that one.
- Not out of the woods yet.
- (GROANS)
You need to seriously ease up
on the bedazzling.
They're jeans,
not a chandelier.
P.S. I'm keeping your wallet.
You did kinda give it to me.
Okay, just look, man,
can I have my Sam's card...
I will shoot your fucking cat!
I don't really know what that means.
I don't have a cat.
Then whose kitty litter
did I just shit in?
Anyhoo, tell me something...
what situation
isn't improved by pizza?
Do you happen to know
a Meghan Orflosky?
Getting that right?
Orflosky?
Orlovsky? Yeah? Good.
Because she knows you.
Jeremy, I belong
to a group of guys
who take a dime
to beat a fella down.
And little Meghan,
she's not made of money,
but lucky for her...
I got a soft spot.
- But I'm a...
- A stalker.
Threats hurt, Jer.
Though not nearly as badly
as serrated steel.
So keep away
from Meghan.
Cool?
Yes. Yes, sir.
Then we're done.
Wait. (CHUCKLES SLOWLY)
We are?
- Yeah. We're totally done.
- (MERCHANT LAUGHS)
You should've seen your face.
I didn't know what to do.
I was so scared.
Soft spot, remember?
(WHIMPERS)
You even look in her
general direction again...
and you will learn
in the worst of ways
that I have
some hard spots too.
That came out wrong.
Or did it?
(WHIMPERING)
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(WOMAN LAUGHING)
Mmm... Meghan?
You've heard the last
of Jeremy. He's sorry.
No friggin' way.
Should've brought
my roller blades.
Show these kids
how it's done.
Oh. And that's why we do it.
But mostly the money.
Hey, think you could
fuck up my step-dad?
I give a guy
a pavement facial,
it's because he's earned it.
MEGHAN: Hey, wait!
You're my hero.
No, no, no, no.
That I ain't!
WADE:
Nope. Never will be.
Oh. Fuck you, Wade.
I'm just a bad guy who gets
paid to fuck up worse guys.
Welcome to Sister Margaret's.
It's like a job fair
for mercenaries.
Think of us as really
fucked up tooth fairies...
except we knock out the teeth
and take the cash.
You'd best hope we never see
your name on a gold card.
Buck! Liefeld...
BUCK: Hey, Wade!
Wade Wilson,
patron saint of the pitiful.
What can I do for you?
I'd love a Blow Job.
Oh, God, me too.
The drink, moose knuckle.
But first...
Hey, and I ain't taking
any babysitting money, all right?
Make sure
that gets back to Ms...
Orlovsky.
Yeah, her.
- You sure?
- Hmm.
You know, for a merc,
you're pretty warm-blooded.
I bet you let
the kid off easy, too.
Oh, he's not a bad kid, Weas.
Just a little light stalking.
I was way worse than him
when I was his age.
I was traveling
to exotic places...
Baghdad, Mogadishu,
Jacksonville,
meeting new and exciting
people. And then, uh...
Killing them. Yeah,
I've seen your Instagram.
So what was Special Forces doing
in Jacksonville, anyway?
That's classified.
(WHISPERS)
They have a wonderful TGI Fridays.
All right, Kahlua, Baileys and...
whipped cream.
I give you a Blow Job.
Why do you
make me make that?
Kelly, Kelly, Kelly...
Take that over to Buck please,
and tell him it's from Boothe.
Little foreplay.
Remind me what good
will come of this?
I don't take the shits.
I just disturb them.
- BUCK: Boothe!
- Oh!
- Easy, man.
- Hold up! Hold up!
What you want?
- (GRUNTS)
- (ALL EXCLAIMING)
- Cheers. To your health.
- WEASEL: Fuck you.
BOOTHE:
Come here, you fat fuck!
That's a new stool.
(ALL CLAMORING)
BUCK: Stay the fuck down.
(GROANS)
MAN: Whoa! Took his ass out!
WEASEL: All right, move.
Move, move, move.
Buck, go rest.
MAN: Boothe got hit
then went down.
Yeah, he's still breathing.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Nobody wins today.
Nice try, Wade.
You got me.
I picked Boothe in the dead pool.
Who did you pick?
Yeah, Wade,
about that, um...
No.
You did not bet
on me to die.
You bet on me to die. Wow!
Motherfucker, you're
the world's worst friend.
Well, joke's on you.
I'm living to 102.
And then dying.
Like the city of Detroit.
I'm sorry. I just...
I wanted to win money.
I never win anything.
Whatever.
Soldiers of fortune,
drinks on me!
(ALL CHEERING)
Domestic, nothing imported.
WOMAN:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...
Baby, are you sure you wanna
shoot your whole wad?
Uh... Tight.
- Vanessa.
- Wade.
What's a nice place like you
doing in a girl like this?
I'd hit that.
Buck, you best
apologize before...
- (GASPS)
- Yeah, that.
Say the magic words,
Fat Gandalf.
- I'm sorry.
- Breathe through the nose.
I don't have a filter
between my brain and my...
Let go. Okay.
Hey, oh, oh, oh...
Hakuna his tatas.
He's sorry.
I'm working on it.
Get out of here.
Go. Go cast a spell.
VANESSA: Hey. Hands off
the merchandise.
Merchandise? Huh...
So you, uh...
bump fuzzies for money?
- Yep.
- Rough childhood?
Rougher than yours.
Daddy left before
I was born.
Daddy left before
I was conceived.
Ever had a cigarette
put out on your skin?
Where else do you
put one out?
I was molested.
Me too. Uncle.
Uncles. They took turns.
I watched my own
birthday party
through the keyhole
of a locked closet...
which also happens to be my...
Your bedroom. Lucky.
I slept in a dishwasher box.
(GASPS) You had a dishwasher.
I didn't even know sleep.
It was pretty much
24/7 ball gags,
brownie mix and clown porn.
(LAUGHS)
Who would do such a thing?
Hopefully you, later tonight?
Hey, what can I get for,
uh, $275 and a...
a Yogurtland rewards card?
Baby, about 48 minutes of
whatever the fuck you want.
And a low-fat dessert.
Did she just put a gift card
in your mouth?
It's time to put
balls in holes.
You said whatever I want.
I get it.
You love skee ball.
Apparently more than
you love vagina.
That's a tough call.
(SCOFFS)
(STUTTERS) I just wanna get to
know the real you, you know.
Not the short-shorted,
two-dimensional
sex object
peddled by Hollywood.
VANESSA: Balls in holes.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
Balls in holes.
Prepare to lose tragically.
Bring it, big man.
Okay.
(MOCKING SCOOBY-DOO)
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
The limited edition
Voltron: Defender of
the Universe ring, por favor.
Okay. Here we go.
Had my eye on
this sucker for a while.
And I will take
the pencil eraser.
BOY: Okay.
You are now the protector
of the planet Arus.
And you can erase stuff...
written in pencil.
M'lady?
Well, I hate to
break it to you...
but your 48 minutes
are up.
Hey, how many more minutes
can I get for this?
FYI, five mini lion-bots
come together
to form one super-bot, so...
Five mini lion-bots?
Three minutes.
Deal.
What do we do with the remaining
two minutes, 37 seconds?
Cuddle?
(MOANING)
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
How long can you
keep this up?
All year?
(CHUCKLES)
(CONTINUES MOANING)
Happy Valentine's Day.
Happy Chinese New Year.
Year of the Dog.
(EXHALES)
Relax.
And Happy
International Women's Day.
(WHIP CRACKS)
(GROANS) No. No. No.
Happy Lent.
(MOANING)
Ow, ow.
- Wade?
- Sorry.
Happy Halloween.
Happy Halloween.
(LAUGHS)
(CONTINUES MOANING)
Happy Thanksgiving.
I love you.
If your left leg
is Thanksgiving...
and your right leg
is Christmas...
can I visit you
between the holidays?
- (CHUCKLES)
- Oh!
That sweater is terrible.
(LAUGHS)
But red looks good on you.
Red's your color.
Brings out the bloodshot
in your eyes.
Listen, I've been thinking...
Really?
...about why we're
so good together.
Why's that?
Well, your crazy matches
my crazy. Big time.
Hmm. (CHUCKLES)
And, uh, we're like
two jigsaw pieces,
you know,
the weird curvy edges...
You put them together and you
can see the picture on top.
Right.
Wade...
there's something I've been
meaning to ask you.
But only because you haven't
gotten around to asking me.
Will you, uh...
- stick it in my...
- Marry me?
Uh... Jinx?
Huh.
Where were you
hiding that?
Nowhere.
They say one month's salary.
So, uh...
You mean?
I do.
That's my line.
I love you, Wade Wilson.
You're supposed to...
So that's a...
- Yes!
- Whoo!
Yes!
(LAUGHS)
I feel just like
a little girl.
- (CHUCKLES)
- (SIGHS)
What if I just held on
and never let go?
Just ride a bitch's back,
like Yoda on Luke.
Oh, Star Wars jokes.
Empire.
Jesus Christ.
It's like I made you
in a computer.
(MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
Mmm.
Hey.
- Perfect.
- (CAMERA CLICKS)
- Let's see.
- All right, wee break.
Shake it, yeah.
(SIGHS)
WADE: Here's the thing.
Life is an endless series
of train-wrecks...
with only brief,
commercial-like breaks of happiness.
This had been the ultimate
commercial break.
- (TOILET FLUSHING)
- (SIGHS)
Which meant
it was time to return
to our regularly
scheduled program.
- What the...
- (THUDS)
Oh, my God. Wade?
You're clowning.
You're not clowning?
I sense clowns.
People react to news of
late-stage cancer differently.
There are certainly options
we can look into.
New drugs are being
developed every day.
So what do we do?
Surely there is
something we can do.
My uncle Ivan was diagnosed
with thyroid cancer...
and there were all these new
experimental drugs from Germany.
WADE: Vanessa's already
working on Plan A, B,
all the way through Z.
Me? I'm memorizing
the details of her face.
Like it's the first time
I'm seeing it.
Or the last.
DOCTOR: Mr. Wilson...
Mr. Wilson?
Take your time
to process this.
It's important not to
do anything rash.
(WADE GRUNTS)
(SIGHS LOUDLY)
Now, if I were
a 200-pound sack
of assholes named Francis,
where would I hide?
(MOTORBIKE REVVING)
Oh.
(ENGINE ROARING)
(GUN FIRING)
(FRANCIS GRUNTS)
WADE: A hush falls
over the crowd
as rookie sensation
Wade W. Wilson...
out of Regina, Saskatchewan,
lines up the shot.
His form looks good.
Oh!
And that's why Regina
rhymes with fun.
Ladies and gentlemen,
what you're witnessing...
is sweet dick-kicking revenge.
Oh! Giving him the business.
Incoming!
This is taking unsportsmanlike
conduct to a whole new level!
(FRANCIS GROANS)
Looking good, Francis.
Well rested.
Like you've been pitching,
not catching.
Ringing any bells? No?
How about now?
(CHUCKLES SLOWLY)
Wade fucking Wilson.
FRANCIS:
Well, hello, gorgeous.
WADE: Yeah, like I got bit
by a radioactive Shar-Pei.
Yeah. And whose fault
is that, huh, Francis?
Yeah, time to undo what
you did to this butterface.
Please, you should thank me.
Apparently, I made you immortal.
I'm actually quite jealous.
Yeah, but this ain't
a life worth living, is it?
Now, I'm about
to do to you
what Limp Bizkit did to
music in the late 90s.
(METAL CLANKS)
Dad?
WADE: I think we can all agree
that shit just went sideways
in the most colossal way.
Well, maybe not the most.
WADE: Uh... This is
my most prized possession.
VANESSA: Wham?
No, no, no. Wham!
Make It Big is the album that George
and Andy earned the exclamation point.
So, am I supposed
to just smile
and wave you out the door?
Think of it like
spring cleaning.
Only if spring
was death.
God, if I had a nickel
for every time
I spanked it to
Bernadette Peters.
- Sounds like you do.
- (COINS JINGLING)
Bernadette is not
going anywhere,
because you're not
going anywhere.
Drink.
You're right.
Cancer is only in my liver,
lungs, prostate, and brain.
All things I can
live without.
Ha.
You belong here
at home.
Surrounded by
your Voltron
and your Bernadette,
and you and me.
Listen, we both know
that cancer is a shit-show.
Like, a Yakov-Smirnoff-
opening-for-the
Spin-Doctors-at-the-
Iowa-State-Fair shit-show.
And under no circumstances
will I take you to that show.
I want you to remember me.
Not the ghost
of Christmas me.
Well, I wanna remember us.
I swear to God, I will
find you in the next life...
and I'm gonna boom-box
Careless Whisper outside your window.
Wham!
No one is boom-boxing shit.
Okay?
We can fight this.
Besides, I just
realized something.
You win.
Your life is officially
way more fucked up
than mine.
(WADE CHUCKLES)
I love you.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Wade.
Weas.
You look like you need
a Blow Job and a shower.
Though courtesy calls
for the latter first.
How about three shots
of Patron?
Or how about Triticum aestivum,
wheatgrass.
Excellent for
the immune system.
Jesus Christ.
You sound like Vanessa.
Here, check it out.
She's sending away for all these
colorful clinic brochures.
I'm sure they're
all FDA approved.
Chechnya. Isn't that where
you go to get cancer?
You got China
and Central Mexico.
You know how they
say "cancer" in Spanish?
No.
- El Cancer.
- Oh.
I could have
guessed that.
Look how happy
you look here.
Mind if I keep this?
Put it up,
so I can remember
when you looked alive.
At least now I'm gonna
win the dead pool.
Now that you're gonna die
tragically of cancer.
I got it, Weas. Thanks.
Oh.
And, uh, that guy over there
came in looking for you.
Real Grim Reaper type.
I don't know.
Might further the plot.
Boothe.
BOOTHE: Wade.
(WADE SIGHS)
Mr. Wilson.
How can I help you?
Besides luring children
into a panel van.
I understand you've recently
been diagnosed with terminal cancer.
Stalker alert.
It's my job.
Recruitment.
I'm sorry you've had
such a tough go.
But you're a fighter.
Special Forces.
41 confirmed kills.
One every seven weeks.
Same rate most folks
get a haircut. Hmm...
It's to wash
the taste out.
It's tough to forget
being so impressive.
And now you
spend your days
sticking up for
the little people...
People change.
What do you want?
I represent an organization
that may be able to help.
What if I told you
we can cure your cancer?
And what's more, give you abilities
most men only dream of?
I'd say that you sound
like an infomercial,
but not a good one,
like Slap Chop.
More Shake Weight-y.
AGENT SMITH: The world needs
extraordinary soldiers.
We won't just
make you better.
We will make you
better than better.
A superhero.
Look, Agent Smith,
I tried the hero business
and it left a mark.
But if I ever hit "Fuck it,"
I'll look you up.
Oh, um...
Shit. We're within
500 yards of a school,
so you may wanna, you know...
His drink's on him.
WEASEL: What did he say?
(THUNDERCLAP)
(SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE)
(SNIFFLES)
VANESSA: Hey, what's going on?
(SNIFFLES) Hey. Sorry.
I had a Liam Neeson
nightmare.
I dreamt I kidnapped
his daughter
and he just
wasn't having it.
Hey, uh, they've made
three of those movies.
At some point you have
to wonder if he's just a bad parent.
Hmm.
WADE: The worst part about cancer
isn't what it does to you...
but what it does to
the people you love.
Who knew if this guy
could save my life...
but I knew there was only one
way that I could save hers.
(DOOR CLOSES)
Isn't that what
superheroes do?
(CARS HONKING)
(PHONE RINGING)
WADE: (SIGHS) Okay. Let's pro-con
this superhero thing.
- (THUDS)
- Ow.
Pro: They pull down
a gaggle of ass.
Local dry cleaning discounts.
Lucrative film deals,
both origin stories
and larger ensemble
team movies.
Con: They're all lame-ass
teacher's pets.
You know,
I can hear you.
I wasn't talking to you.
I was talking to them.
Stay right here.
COLOSSUS: You've been
warned before, Deadpool.
This is a shameful and
reckless use of your powers.
You will both
be coming with us.
WADE: Look, Colossus,
I don't have time for
the goody two-shoes
bullshit right now!
And you are?
Negasonic Teenage Warhead.
Negasonic Teenage...
What the shit?
That's the coolest name ever!
So, what, you're like,
uh, his sidekick?
No. Trainee.
Let me guess.
X-Men left you behind
on what? Shit detail?
What does that make you?
Pretending you're not here,
Negasonic Teenage Warhead.
Can we trade names?
- (FRANCIS GROANS)
- Can we go?
WADE: Look!
I'm a teenage girl.
I'd rather be
anywhere than here.
I'm all about
long sullen silences...
followed by mean comments,
followed by more silences.
So what's it gonna be, huh?
Long sullen silence...
or mean comment? Go on.
You got me in a box here.
Aha!
We can't allow this,
Deadpool.
Please, come quietly.
You big chrome
cock-gobbler!
COLOSSUS: That's not nice.
You're really gonna
fuck this up for me?
Trust me, that wheezing bag
of dick-tips has it coming.
He's pure evil.
Besides...
Nobody's getting hurt.
(THUDS)
That guy was already up there
when I got here.
Wade, you are
better than this.
Join us.
Use your powers for good.
WADE: Heads up.
Be a superhero.
WADE: Listen!
The day I decide to become a
crime-fighting shit-swizzler...
who rooms with a bunch of other little
whiners at the Neverland mansion...
of some creepy, old, bald,
Heaven's Gate-looking motherfucker...
on that day...
I'll send your shiny,
happy ass a friend request.
But until then, I'mma do
what I came here to do.
Either that or slap
the bitch outta you!
- COLOSSUS: Wade...
- Hey.
Zip it, Sinead!
Hey, douche-pool!
And I hope
you're watching...
(MOTORBIKE REVVING)
(GASPS LOUDLY)
Quite unfortunate.
That does it!
- (METAL CLANKS)
- (BONES CRACKS)
Oh!
(GROANS) Canada!
That's not good.
COLOSSUS: Wade, please.
WADE: Cock shot!
(BONES CRACKS, GROANS)
Oh, your poor wife.
You really should stop.
(GROANING)
All the dinosaurs
feared the T-rex.
- (WADE SCREAMS)
- (BONES CRACKS)
(LAUGHS)
WADE: I promise this gets
worse for you, big boy!
- This is embarrassing.
- (GROANS)
Please, stay down.
WADE: You ever hear of the one-legged
man in the ass-kicking contest?
Do you have off switch?
Yeah, it's right next
to the prostate.
Or is that the on switch?
- Enough!
- (GLASS SHATTERS)
(LAUGHS)
(GROANING)
COLOSSUS: Let us go talk
to the Professor.
McAvoy or Stewart?
These timelines
are so confusing.
"Dead or alive,
you're coming with me!"
COLOSSUS:
You will recover, Wade.
You always do.
You ever see 127 Hours?
Spoiler alert.
(SQUISHING NOISE)
Oh, my God.
Nasty.
WADE: Oh, there's
the money shot, baby.
(RETCHING)
Are You There God?
It's Me, Margaret.
(TRUCK HORN HONKS)
WADE: Rock, meet bottom.
And when life ends up
breathtakingly fucked...
you can generally trace it
back to one big, bad decision.
The one that sent you
down the road to Shitsburgh.
This? Well, this was mine.
AGENT SMITH:
Mr. Wilson.
Nothing warms my heart more than
a change of someone else's.
You finally hit "Fuck it."
Just promise
you'll do right by me.
So I can do right
by someone else.
Of course.
And please don't make
the super-suit green.
Or animated.
(MAN CHOKING)
MAN: Move it! Keep moving.
(PATIENT SCREAMING)
This place seems sanitary.
My first request
is warmer hands.
Oh! And, Jesus,
a warmer table.
We should really come up
with a safe word, fellas.
I'm thinking
"Pork and Beans."
(GROANS) Easy.
Aren't you a little
strong for a lady?
I'm calling wang.
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
What's up with the matches?
Oral fixation
or just a big Stallone fan?
(MUFFLED GROAN)
Patience, Angel.
All in good time.
Are you here for
the turndown service, or what?
We have another talker.
I'm just excited about my
first day at superhero camp.
Shut the fuck up.
Mr. Wilson, my name's Ajax.
I manage this workshop.
Ah, my welcome speech used to
be full of euphemisms like...
"This may hurt a little."
"This may cause you
some discomfort."
But I've grown blunt.
This workshop is not
a government-led program.
It's a private institution that turns
reclamation projects like yourself...
into men of
extraordinary abilities.
But if you think super-human
powers are acquired painlessly...
- Wrong.
- (GROANS)
I'm injecting you
with a serum...
that activates any mutant
genes lurking in your DNA.
For it to work we need to
subject you to extreme stress.
(WADE GROANING)
You've heard that whole "make an omelet,
break some eggs" bit, right?
I'm about to hurt you, Wade.
I was a patient here once
myself, you know.
The treatment affects
everyone differently.
It made Angel
inhumanly strong.
In my case,
it enhanced my reflexes.
Also scorched my nerve endings,
so I no longer feel pain.
And, in fact,
I no longer feel anything.
(MUMBLING)
Thanks! Thank you. Thank you.
You have something
in your teeth.
Right in the middle there.
Just, I don't...
A little nugget of romaine
lettuce or something.
(SIGHS)
It's been bothering me
for a long time.
(LAUGHS)
Ah, made you look.
Hey, is Ajax
your actual name?
Because it sounds
suspiciously made up.
What is it, really?
Kevin? Bruce? Scott?
Mitch? The Rickster?
(IN BRITISH ACCENT)
Is it Basil Fawlty?
Oh, joke away.
One thing that never
survives this place
is a sense of humor.
We'll see about that.
I suppose we will.
He's all yours.
Oh, come on.
You're gonna leave me
all alone here.
With less-angry
Rosie O'Donnell?
(GROANS)
FRANCIS: This is how
it's going to work.
Adrenaline acts as a catalyst
for the serum...
so we're going
to have to make you suffer.
FRANCIS: If you're lucky,
the mutant genes will activate
and manifest in
a spectacular fashion.
(GASPS)
FRANCIS: If not, well, we'll
have to keep on hurting you...
(WADE SHIVERING)
in new and different ways,
each more painful
than the last...
until you finally mutate.
Or die.
CUNNINGHAM:
You mean a bucket list?
WADE: Like a fuck-it list.
I'd really like
to light a spliff
off the Olympic torch.
CUNNINGHAM:
Pass it to me right after.
Let's not forget naked
tandem base-jumping
with the WNBA's
Sacramento Monarchs.
Anything on my bucket list
would involve public nudity.
Finally, giving Meredith
Baxter-Birney a Dutch oven.
No. Receiving a Dutch oven
from Meredith Baxter-Birney.
(LAUGHS)
Making banana pancakes
for my kids.
Vanessa.
WADE: I wanna see Vanessa.
FRANCIS: You're lovely.
I don't know about
anyone else, but I'm touched.
We were just joking.
No, no. It's okay.
I encourage distractions.
Wouldn't want you giving up
on us, now would we?
Hey, don't take any shit
from him, Cunningham.
How tough can he be...
with a name like Francis?
Francis?
WADE: That's his legal name.
(CHUCKLING) He got "Ajax"
from the dish soap.
F, R, A, N, C, I...
Oops!
Snagged the dry cleaning tag
off your lab coat.
FYI, I could probably get you
the superhero discount.
You are so
relentlessly annoying.
Thanks.
Never heard that before.
Why don't you do us all
a favor and shut the fuck up?
Or I'll sew
your pretty mouth shut.
Oh...
I wouldn't do that
if I were you.
See, here's the problem with
round-the-clock torture...
is that you can't really
step it up from there.
Is that what you think?
If this doesn't unlock
your mutation, then, well...
nothing will.
Now, what we're going to do is
lower the oxygen
concentration in the air...
to the exact point you feel
like you're suffocating.
If your brainwaves slow,
meaning you're
about to pass out...
then we'll turn up the O2.
If your heart rate slows...
meaning you're able
to catch your breath...
we'll turn it back down.
And that's where
we'll leave you.
Right there.
Oh, and I thought
you guys were dicks before.
FRANCIS: You know
the funniest part of this?
You still think we're making
you a superhero.
You. A dishonorable discharge.
Hip-deep in hookers.
You're nothing.
Little secret, Wade.
This workshop
doesn't make superheroes,
we make super-slaves.
We're gonna fit you
with a control collar
and auction you off
to the highest bidder.
Who knows what
they'll have you doing?
Terrorizing citizens,
putting down freedom fighters.
Maybe just mow
the occasional lawn.
What the fuck
is wrong with you?
You're never going home
after this.
Now there's a brave face.
Wait, wait! Wait. Wait.
Seriously, you actually have
something in your teeth now.
Enjoy your weekend.
"Weekend"? Back up.
Weekend?
(MACHINE HISSING)
(GASPING)
(CHOKING)
(EKG MONITOR BEEPING)
- (CHOKING)
- (EKG BEEPING RAPIDLY)
WADE: Did I say
this was a love story?
No, it's a horror movie.
(SCREAMING)
(GASPING)
FRANCIS: Fucking hell.
Looks like someone lost his
shot at Homecoming King.
What have you done to me?
I've merely raised
your stress levels
high enough
to trigger a mutation.
You sadistic fuck!
I've cured you, Wade.
Now your mutated cells
can heal anything.
It's attacking your cancer
as fast as it can form.
Yeah, I've seen similar
side-effects before.
I could cure them...
but where's the fun in that?
Now, I'm gonna
shut you in again, Wade.
Not because I need to.
Because I want to.
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
Oh, well.
Go ahead.
Oh, you smell like shit.
- (GRUNTS)
- Whoa! (LAUGHS)
ANGEL DUST:
Motherfucker.
Hey, hey, hey.
It's all right, it's all right.
I think we owe him
that one, yeah?
You take off. Go on.
Off you go.
Quick question.
What's my name?
Didn't think so.
WADE: Sorry, Francis.
My lips are sealed.
(GROANING)
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
(EXPLODING)
(MEN SCREAMING
IN THE DISTANCE)
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
(MAN COUGHING)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(GROANS)
(GRUNTING)
(GROANING)
You don't want to kill me.
I'm the only one
who can fix your ugly mug.
(GRUNTING)
(LAUGHS)
(GRUNTING)
(GROANING)
(GRUNTS LOUDLY)
(RETCHING)
(GRUNTS AND LAUGHS)
(GRUNTING)
(WADE BREATHING HEAVILY)
What's my name?
CUNNINGHAM: Wade.
(GROANS)
WADE: I didn't just get
the cure to el cancer...
I got the cure
to el everything.
But there was
only one thing...
that really mattered.
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
(INFANT CRYING)
WOMAN: Come on, let's go.
WOMAN: Oh, that must hurt.
Thank you so much.
(INDISTINCT
CONVERSATIONS CONTINUE)
God, he's so fucking gnarly.
WOMAN: Look at his face.
MAN: Oh, my God. Poor guy.
FEMALE PEDESTRIAN:
Honey, don't stare.
MALE PEDESTRIAN: Freak.
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
No way. I'm not making
her life as ugly as mine.
Come on, Wade,
it can't be that bad.
Ah, bullshit!
I'm a monster inside and out.
I belong in a fucking circus.
Wade, Vanessa loves you.
She doesn't care what you...
Oh! Oh.
Do you like what you see?
No.
You look like an avocado
had sex with an older,
more disgusting avocado.
Yeah.
Not gently.
Like it was hate-fucking.
There was something wrong
with the relationship...
and that was
the only catharsis
that they could find
without violence.
And the only guy
who can fix this fugly mug...
is the British shitstick
who ran the mutant factory.
And he's gone. Poof!
Yeah, well you gotta do
something to remedy this...
because as of now,
you only have
one course of action.
Damn straight.
- Find Francis.
- Star in horror films.
What?
Star in your own horror films.
Because you look
like Freddy Krueger
face-fucked
a topographical map of Utah.
Here's what
I'm actually gonna do.
I'm gonna work
through his crew
until somebody
gives up Francis...
force him to fix this, then
put a bullet in his skull...
and fuck the brain hole.
I don't wanna see that
or think of it again.
But the douchebag does
thinks you're dead, right?
Yeah.
That's good.
You should keep it that way.
What, like, wear a mask?
Yes. A very thick mask.
All the time.
I am sorry...
you are haunting.
Your face is
the stuff of nightmares.
Like a testicle with teeth.
You will die alone.
I mean, if you could die.
Ideally, for others' sake.
That'll do.
All you need now is a suit
and a nickname...
like Wade the Wisecracker...
or Scaredevil,
Mr. Neverdie.
Oh, shit.
What?
I put all my money
on you and now...
I just realized
I'm never gonna win the, uh...
Dead pool.
Captain Deadpool...
No, just...
- Just Deadpool, yeah.
- Just Deadpool.
To you, Mr. Pool.
Deadpool.
That sounds like
a fucking franchise.
(GLASSES CLINKS)
This shit's gonna
have nuts in it.
- (MAN GROANS)
- Where's Francis?
(GRUNTING)
(GUN FIRING)
(GROANING)
(SIGHS)
WADE: Where's Francis?
AL: Seltzer water
and lemon for blood.
Or wear red. Dumbass.
(ALL CHEERING)
(CLAMORING)
(GROANING)
- (GUN FIRING)
- (PEOPLE SCREAMING)
WADE:
Don't make me ask twice.
Where...
is Francis?
He made me ask twice.
Is the mask muffling my voice?
Where's Francis?
(GUN FIRING)
Where the fuck is Francis?
(GROANING)
(GROANING)
(WADE LAUGHING)
You're about to be killed
by a Zamboni.
Where's Francis?
(WOMAN WHIMPERS)
No! Please!
Oh, God! I'm so sorry!
(WOMAN SCREAMS)
Oh! You little
spider monkey!
(TOILET FLUSHING)
Where... is... Francis?
This is confusing.
Is it sexist to hit you?
Is it more sexist
to not hit you?
I mean, the line
gets real... blurry.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Where is Francis?
Tell me where
your fucking boss is
or you're gonna die!
In five minutes!
AGENT SMITH: (WHISPERS)
Don't hesitate to call me.
Nice to see you, Jared.
I'll take the footlong...
Fully loaded.
- (GRUNTING)
- (GUNS FIRING)
(PANTING)
- (GRUNTS)
- (GLASS SHATTERS)
(GROANS) Whoa, whoa!
41 confirmed kills.
Now it's 89.
About to be 90.
Mr. Wilson?
Ding-ding.
You're looking very alive.
Ha! Only on the outside!
This is not going to
end well for me, is it?
This is not gonna
end well for you, no.
Where's your boss?
I can tell you exactly...
(SHUSHING MOCKINGLY)
Oh, you'll tell me.
But first...
You might wanna
look away for this.
Now this little piggy
went to...
- (BONES CRACKING)
- (AGENT SMITH SCREAMS)
WADE: Thank you, Agent Smith.
Taxi!
Hop in! Great day for a ride.
(HINDI SONG PLAYING ON RADIO)
WADE: And we all know
how this turned out.
Whoops!
You weren't meant to see that.
There. All caught up.
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
We're here.
(GROANS) Sorry about
bleeding in all your garbage.
(GRUNTS)
Seltzer water and
lemon for blood.
Whoo!
Some kinds of anger
can't be managed...
like the kind where
your year-long plan
ends with the wrong guy
getting dismembered!
That said, when it comes time
to licking wounds,
there's no place like home.
Ah, and I share that home
with someone you've met,
the old blind lady
from the laundromat, Al.
God, I miss cocaine.
Her.
(GASPS) Fourth-wall break
inside a fourth-wall break.
That's like 16 walls.
She's like Robin to my Batman,
except she's old,
and black, and blind.
And I think
she's in love with me.
WADE: Wait, pretty sure
Robin loves Batman, too.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
(AL GROANS)
WADE: Al?
Morning, sleepyhead.
(GRUNTS)
It smells like
old lady pants in here.
Yes, I'm old.
I wear pants.
But you're no lady.
Oh! So comfy.
Upside of being blind:
I've never seen you in Crocs.
You mean my big,
rubber masturbating shoes?
AL: Yes, I know.
Downside of being blind...
I hear everything
in this duplex.
(GROANS)
Sit on a stick.
Bactin?
Yeah. Bactin should do it.
How's that Kullen
coming along?
IKEA doesn't assemble itself,
you know.
You're telling me.
I don't mind the Kullen.
It's an improvement
on the Hurdal.
Please. Anything's an
improvement over the Hurdal.
I'd have taken an Hemnes
or a Trysil over the Hurdal.
Oh, no, I didn't get excited
till I saw the Kullen.
Screw, please.
Here? Now?
Just kidding.
I know it's been decades.
You'd be surprised.
Pretty grossed out.
(GROANS) Ta... Da.
I wish I never heard
of Craigslist.
And I quote,
"Looking for roommate,
"blind to life's imperfections.
"Must be good with hands."
Or would you rather I build
the IKEA, and you pay rent?
Why such a douche
this morning?
Let's recap.
The cock thistle that
turned me into this freak...
slipped through
my arms today...
Arm.
Catching him was
my only chance
to be hot again,
get my super sexy ex back...
and prevent this shit from
happening to someone else.
So, yeah,
today was about as much fun
as a sandpaper dildo.
(WADE FARTS)
#Driveby.
Found out who our friend
in the red suit is.
Fucking Wade Wilson.
I suppose I'd wear a mask too
if I had a face like that.
I only wish I healed the same.
Still, we'll put him
out of our misery.
On our terms.
Right.
And when he heals?
He can't.
Not if there's nothing
left of him to heal.
You know, it's funny.
I almost miss the fucker.
I like a challenge.
But he's bad
for business.
Now let's go
find him.
Oh.
(WADE GRUNTS SLOWLY)
Tylenol PM?
You can stick that
where you stuck the Bactin.
I raided my stash
of wisdom tooth Percocet...
and I am orbiting
fucking Saturn right now.
(SIGHS)
But I appreciate the gesture.
Am I crazy,
or is your hand really small?
About the size of
a KFC spork.
Ugh.
I get why you're so pissy...
but your mood's
never gonna brighten
till you find this woman...
and tell her how you feel.
What do I keep telling you,
Mrs. Magoo?
She wouldn't have me.
If you could see me,
you'd understand.
Looks aren't everything.
Looks are everything.
You ever heard
David Beckham speak?
It's like he mouth-sexed
a can of helium.
You think Ryan Reynolds
got this far
on his superior acting method?
Love is blind, Wade.
No.
You're blind.
So, you're just gonna
lie there and whimper?
No, I'm gonna wait till this
arm plows through puberty...
and then I'm gonna
come up with
a whole new
Christmas Day plan.
In the meantime,
you might wanna
leave the room.
I bet it feels huge
in this hand.
Go, go, go.
Go. go. go.
WEASEL: So, the doctor says,
"The bad news is
"you don't have
that long to live."
So, the patient says,
"How long do I have?"
The doctor says, "Five."
The guy says, "Five what?"
And the doctor says,
"Four, three, two..."
(ALL LAUGHING)
Can I help you ladies?
Oh, I do hope so.
I heard you might be
able to point me
in the direction
of a, um, friend of mine.
Name of Wade Wilson.
Sorry.
I don't know the name.
Hey, you're not supposed
to be behind the bar.
I've seen this girl.
FRANCIS:
Ah, this must be Vanessa.
I've heard so much about you.
(GROANING)
Um, sweetheart,
you might wanna look around.
This isn't really the place
to do something like that.
Easy, Angel.
Put the little man down.
We have everything
we need now.
You sure?
You don't want any clothes
that are not monochromatic?
Have fun at your midnight
showing of Blade II.
Whoo.
Thanks for having
my back, guys.
Wade, we have
a fucking problem.
And by "we," I mean "you."
Ah, I can't believe
I'm doing this.
Is there a word for
half afraid, half angry?
Yeah, "Afrangry",
I guess.
Have you decided what
you're gonna say to her?
Fuck me!
Uh, maybe not
start with that.
(TRAP MUSIC PLAYING)
Hey, coming onto
our stage right now...
give it up for Chastity!
(ALL CHEERING)
Or as I like
to call her, Irony.
Better find her fast
before numbnuts does.
How do you know
she's in here?
Because I'm constantly
stalking that fox.
(MUSIC FADES OUT)
WADE: Every time I see her,
it's like the first time...
Especially from this angle.
(MUSIC FADES IN)
(MEN CHEERING)
ANNOUNCER:
You can't buy love,
but you can rent it
for three minutes.
(EXHALES)
Ah, you weak motherfucker!
Come on!
Come on, get it together.
This isn't about me,
this is about Vanessa.
Here we go.
Maximum effort.
Vanessa.
Someone out back
asking for you.
Something about, uh,
an old boyfriend.
I knew it was you.
The weird, curvy edges.
Like a jigsaw puzzle.
You have Wade Wilson
to thank for this.
(VANESSA GROANS)
Hey. Hey! Where'd she go?
Uh, I saw her
head to the back.
Go get her, tiger.
(SOFTLY) Fuck. Fuck!
Motherfucker!
Wait, wait.
Let's... Just...
Cock juggling...
We can talk about
what we're gonna...
Jiminy! Fuck face!
Okay, or you
can hit that.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Fuck! Fuck!
- No, no.
- All right. Hey!
Fuck! Fuck!
- Fuck!
- Hey, um...
- Whoa! Whoa!
- Relax. Relax. Okay.
Okay. I think
that's a good start.
Oh, I'm gonna rip
his motherfucking...
- (CELL PHONE RINGING)
- Wait.
- Find it! Find it.
- What?
- I'm gonna get angry.
- Okay. All right.
All right. Okay. All right.
Here. This is Vanessa.
- What?
- No, wait. It's Francis.
He wants you
to come to him.
- What is that?
- That's the shit emoji.
You know, it's the turd with
the smiling face and the eyes?
I thought it was chocolate
yogurt for so long.
I need guns.
Okay, which ones?
I need all the guns!
All right. Okay.
(HEAVY METAL PLAYING)
That's about 3,000 rounds.
We all know
what I can do with 12.
Hey, hey, careful with that,
Ronnie Milsap!
We're downrange.
I was gonna
spend the night
assembling the Borje,
but this is holding my interest.
I told you, we're going with
the Urvaj, not the Borje.
Get it through your head
or get out of fuck town.
Shit. That's all the pieces
in the house.
Nah, nah... Come on.
Let's go. Cough it up.
Up, up, up.
Oh. Down, down, down.
Fuck you.
.45 cal. I like it.
Wade...
I'd go with you,
but I don't want to.
Uh...
Listen, Al...
if I never see
you again,
I want you to know that
I love you very much.
And also, uh, there's
about 116 kilos of cocaine
buried somewhere
in the apartment...
right next to the cure
for blindness. Good luck.
You wanna get fucked up?
(SEAGULLS SCREECHING)
(MAN SPEAKING
INDISTINCTLY OVER P.A.)
(MUMBLING)
Put her down
over here.
(WHIMPERS)
(MUMBLING CONTINUES)
Go on then.
Thanks, dickless.
And I mean you.
Wow. You're a talker too.
You and Wade.
I've been trying
to tell you assholes,
you've got the wrong girl.
My old boyfriend,
he's dead.
See, I thought that too.
But he keeps on coming back.
Like a cockroach...
but uglier.
Now, I may not feel,
but he does.
Let's see how he fights
with your head on the block.
Ripley, from Alien 3!
Fuck, you're old.
(CACKLES)
Fake laugh.
Hiding real pain.
Go get Silver Balls.
You guys going for a bite?
Early bird special?
Oh, like there's
something wrong
with eating before sundown
or saving money.
No, you know that bad guy
that you let go?
He's got my girl.
You're gonna
help me get her back.
COLOSSUS:
Wade, is that you?
Yeah, it's me, Deadpool,
and I got an offer
that you can't refuse.
I'm gonna wait
out here, okay?
It's a big house.
It's funny that I only
ever see two of you.
It's almost like the studio
couldn't afford another X-Man.
WADE: And that is why,
in my opinion...
the movie Cocoon
is pure pornography.
Who brought
this twinkly man?
Twinkly, but deadly.
My chrome-penised
friend back there
has agreed
to do me this solid.
In exchange,
I said that I would
consider joining his boy band.
It's not boy band.
Sure it's not.
(SIGHS LOUDLY)
So, any luck winning Gita back?
I tried to hold on tight,
Mr. Pool...
but Bandhu is more craftier
and handsomer than me.
Well, I think you're
pretty darn cute.
(MAN SCREAMS)
(PUNJABI MUSIC
PLAYING ON RADIO)
- Dopinder.
- Hmm?
What was that?
Uh...
That was Bandhu
in the trunk.
Ban who?
My romantic rival Bandhu.
He's tied up in the trunk.
I'm doing as you said, DP.
I plan to gut him
like a tandoori fish,
then dump his carcass
on Gita's doorstep.
I did not tell him
to do that.
Absolutely not.
It got lost in translation.
Dopinder, this is no way
to win Gita's heart back!
(WHISPERS)
I'm so proud of you.
Drop Bandhu off,
safe and gentle-like.
(WHISPERS) Kill him.
And then,
win Gita back...
the old fashioned way:
with your boyish charm.
(WHISPERS) Kidnap her.
He's super dead.
Whoa!
I presume a crisp
high five?
For you? Ten.
Okay, guys, let's get out there
and make a difference.
(WHISPERS)
You know what to do.
DOPINDER: Knock 'em dead,
Pool Boy!
Time to make
the chimi-fuckin'-changas.
WADE: Not often
a dude ruins your face...
skull-stomps your sanity,
grabs your future baby mama...
and personally sees to four
of your five
shittiest moments.
Let's just say it's beginning
to look a lot like Christmas.
NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD:
Hey.
Where's your duffle bag?
(PHONE RINGING, BUZZING)
(HINDI SONG PLAYING ON RADIO)
(TRUCK HONKING)
(TYRES SCREECHING)
- (THUDS)
- (BANDHU SCREAMS)
DOPINDER: Bandhu?
DOPINDER: Leave a message
and have a happy day.
God damn it!
I'm gonna do this
the old fashioned way...
with two swords
and maximum effort.
Cue the music.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
(MUSIC STOPS)
FRANCIS: Wade Wilson!
What's my name?
Ooh, I'mma fuckin'
spell it out for ya.
Go get some.
Superhero landing.
She's gonna do
a superhero landing.
Wait for it.
WADE: Whoo!
Superhero landing!
You know, that's really
hard on your knees.
Totally impractical.
They all do it.
You're a lovely lady, but
I'm saving myself for Francis.
That's why
I brought him.
I prefer not to hit a woman,
so please play...
(GROANS)
I mean, that's why I brought her?
Oh, no, finish your tweet.
It's not... That's...
Just give us a second.
Yeah.
There you go.
Hashtag it.
Go get her, tiger.
(GROANS)
Oh, I so pity the dude who
pressures her into prom sex.
All right, then. Fire!
(GUNS FIRING)
(GRUNTS)
Finish fucking her
the fuck up!
Language, please.
Suck a cock.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
Look away, child.
Look away!
(SCREAMING)
WADE: Wait!
Wait!
Cease fire!
Cease fire!
WADE: Fellas! Hey! Hey!
You only work for that
shit-spackled muppet fart.
So, I'mma give you a chance
for y'all to lay down
your firearms...
in exchange for preferential,
bordering on gentle...
possibly even
lover-like treatment.
(GUNS FIRING)
Fine.
Commando!
(GRUNTING)
(EXHALING)
(GRUNTING)
(COLOSSUS GRUNTS)
(ANGEL DUST GROANS)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(GROWLS)
(MEN GROANING)
(GRUNTING)
Teabag!
Bob?
Wade?
Oh, my God,
I haven't seen you since...
- Jacksonville. Fridays.
- Since TGI Fridays.
Well, what the hell!
God, come here, you.
(GRUNTS)
How are the kids?
Good?
And Gail, she still fixing
that tuna casserole?
So good.
But bad for the waistline,
if you know what
I'm talking about.
Oh! (CLEARS THROAT)
Your... On the left.
You are beautiful woman.
That is so sweet.
Uh...
Thanks.
(GRUNTS)
(GROANS)
WADE: Yoo-hoo!
FRANCIS:
Does he write you notes too?
He's such a romantic.
WADE: Don't worry, baby.
I'm comin'.
Fire!
(GUNS FIRING)
NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD:
Hey!
Climb on!
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
(SCREAMING)
(GROANING)
Motherfucking...
Motherfucker should have
worn his brown pants.
You were right,
beautiful.
Red really is my color.
Wade?
Don't worry, baby...
I'mma get you out
of that shit-box.
What better way to crawl back
inside that head of yours?
Oh, you never left.
But you did, asshole!
Ah, deep breath, darling.
Oh, wait.
Wrong choice of words.
(CHOKING)
I hope they blocked pain
to your every last nerve.
'Cause I'mma go lookin'!
I hear you grow back
body parts now, Wade.
When I'm finished...
parts will have
to grow back you.
Good one.
Yep, that was a good one.
Let's dance.
And by dance, I mean...
let's try to kill each other.
- (GRUNTING)
- (METAL CLANKING)
(GASPING)
(GRUNTING)
(GROANS)
(COLOSSUS GROANING)
(CHOKING)
Fine. Fists.
Oh, sounds like
your last Saturday night.
(GRUNTING)
(GROANING)
(GRUNTING)
(VANESSA GROANS)
Asshole!
(FRANCIS GRUNTS)
(GROANS)
(GRUNTING)
(EXPLODING)
(GRUNTING)
(SCREAMS)
Hang in there, baby!
- Wade!
- I gotcha!
I got a plan.
You're not gonna like it.
(GRUNTING)
Shit! Shit! Shit!
(VANESSA SCREAMING)
Don't worry.
I'm totally on top of this.
(PANTING)
Ah! Damn it!
Maximum effort!
(VANESSA SCREAMS)
(RUMBLING)
(GRUNTS)
Thanks.
Just take it slow.
WADE: Yoo-hoo!
Oh, my God! That was so...
(GRUNTING)
(EXHALING HEAVILY)
(FRANCIS LAUGHS)
There are no words!
Me and you are headed
to fix this butterface.
What?
(CHUCKLES)
You stupid fucking idiot.
Did you really think
there was a cure... for that?
What?
You heard me.
No.
No!
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
(LAUGHING AND COUGHING)
So, you mean to say...
after all this,
you can't fix me?
It sounds even stupider
when you say it.
Like the kind of stupid
who admits
he can't do the one thing
I'm keeping him alive for?
Any last words?
What's my name?
Who fucking cares?
COLOSSUS: Wade!
Four or five moments.
I'm sorry?
Four or five moments,
that's all it takes.
To?
Be a hero.
(GROANS)
Everyone thinks
it's a full-time job.
Wake up a hero,
brush your teeth a hero,
go to work a hero.
Not true.
Over a lifetime, there are
only four or five moments
that really matter.
Moments when you're
offered a choice.
To make a sacrifice,
conquer a flaw,
save a friend...
spare an enemy.
In these moments...
everything else falls away.
The way the world sees us.
The way we...
(RETCHING)
Why?
You were droning on.
Sure, I may be stuck looking
like pepperoni flatbread...
but at least fuckface
won't heal from that.
If wearing superhero tights...
means sparing psychopaths...
then maybe I wasn't
meant to wear 'em.
Not everyone monitors
a hall like you.
Just promise...
Yeah, yeah,
I'll be on the lookout
for the next four moments.
(WHISPERS)
Oh, shit.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm just a boy,
about to stand
in front of a girl...
and tell her...
What the fuck
am I gonna tell her?
Well, hmm,
you better figure it out.
- I can't even tell you...
- (GRUNTS)
I deserved that.
That, too.
No, no, no,
maybe not the nethers.
Start talking!
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
(STUTTERS) For everything,
I'm sorry for leaving...
I'm sorry for not
cowboying up sooner.
It's been rough
couple of years.
Rough?
I live in a crackhouse.
With a family of 12.
Every night
we spoon for warmth.
Everybody fights for Noelle.
She's the fattest.
There's nothing
that we don't share.
Floor space, dental floss,
even condoms.
So, you live in a house.
I should have come
and found you sooner.
But, baby,
the guy under this mask,
he ain't the same one
that you remember.
You mean this mask?
And this one.
In case the other fell off.
All right.
Yeah, just... Ow.
Like a Band-Aid,
just give it a...
Owdie 5,000.
Wait, wait, wait...
Are you sure?
I'm sure.
Wow.
Yeah.
Hey.
After a brief
adjustment period...
and a bunch of drinks...
it's a face...
I'd be happy to sit on.
I'm not the same
underneath this suit, either.
No.
Super-penis.
COLOSSUS:
Come on, Wade. Language.
Young one is present.
What are you still doing?
Get out of here.
Go make yourself useful!
You, go be a really
big brother to someone.
Tell Beast to stop
shitting on my lawn.
And you, chicken noodle...
Nothing compares to you.
Sinead O'Connor, 1990.
Sorry.
That's all right.
You're cool.
(GASPS)
What in the ass?
That was not mean.
I'm proud of you!
We will make an X-Man
of you yet, Wade.
For a second there,
it felt like we were
three mini-lion robots...
coming together to form
one super robot.
There's a stupid.
Yeah.
And now, for the moment
I've all been waiting for.
Come here.
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
(LAUGHING)
Wham! As promised.
(MAN VOCALIZING)
WADE: See?
You don't need to be
a superhero to get the girl.
The right girl will bring out
the hero in you.
Now, let's finish this
epic wide shot. Pull out.
There we go, that looks nice.
That's gonna be
about the only thing
that's pulling out tonight.
Who doesn't love
a happy ending, huh?
'Til next time, this is
your friendly neighborhood
pool guy singin'...
♪ I'm never gonna dance again ♪
♪ The way I danced with you ♪
Improved By: Fidel33
Sub Upload Date: April 29, 2016
You're still here?
It's over. Go home.
Oh, you're expecting
a teaser for Deadpool 2.
Well, we don't have
that kind of money.
What are you expecting?
Sam Jackson to show up?
With an eye patch and a saucy
little leather number?
Go. Go.
DEADPOOL: Oh.
But I can tell you one thing,
and it's a bit of a secret.
For the sequel,
we're gonna have Cable.
Amazing character.
Bionic arm, time travel.
We have no idea
who we're gonna cast yet,
but it could be anybody.
Just need a big guy
with a flat top.
Could be Mel Gibson,
Dolph Lundgren...
Keira Knightley.
She's got range. Who knows.
Anyway, big secret. Shh...
Oh, and don't leave your
garbage all lying around.
It's a total dick move.
Go.
(VOCALIZES)
(SONG PLAYING IN HINDI)
(WIND WHOOSHING)
I'm kinda lonesome back here.
- (MUMBLING)
- (GRUNTS) Yeah, little help.
Okay, um, just, I have to keep
my hands on the wheel.
(CONTINUES GRUNTING)
Excuse me. Whoo!
(CHUCKLES)
Ah, Dopinder.
Pool. Dead.
Hmm, nice.
DOPINDER:
Smells good, no?
Not the Daffodil Daydream.
The girl.
Ah, yes. Gita.
- Hmm.
- She is quite lovely.
She would have made me
a very agreeable wife.
But, um...
Gita's heart has been stolen
by my cousin Bandhu.
He is as dishonorable
as he is attractive.
Dopinder, I'm starting to think
there's a reason
I'm in this cab today.
Yeah, sir, you called for it,
remember?
No, my slender brown friend.
Love is a beautiful thing.
When you find it,
the whole world
tastes like Daffodil Daydream.
(DOPINDER GRUNTS)
So you gotta hold onto love...
- ...tight!
- Ah.
And never let go.
Don't make
the same mistakes I did.
- Got it?
- Yeah.
Or else the whole world tastes
like Mama June after hot yoga.
(STUTTERS) Sir, what does
Miss Mama June taste like?
Like two hobos fucking in a shoe
filled with piss. Okay, enough.
I can go all day, Dopinder.
The point is, it's bad!
Hmm, it's bad.
Uh, why the fancy
red suit, Mr. Pool?
Oh, that's because
it's Christmas Day, Dopinder.
And I'm after someone
on my naughty list.
I've been waiting one year,
three weeks...
six days and, oh...
14 minutes to make him fix
what he did to me.
And what did he do
to you, Mr. Pool?
This shit...
Boo!
(CHOPPER BLADES WHIRRING)
(SIGHS)
They won't disappoint.
They'd better not.
And what about
next month's shipment?
There won't be one.
You're not the only one
with a war to win.
That won't do.
See, we've had
this small disruption
to our supply chain...
(CHOKING)
We'd appreciate your patience.
(GRUNTS) Okay.
We'll deliver in full
the following month.
(GASPING)
Pleasure doing business with you.
Fucking mutant.
(ENGINES ROARING)
Oh, shit!
I forgot my ammo bag.
Shall we turn back?
No, no time.
Fuck it. I got this.
9, 10, 11, 12 bullets,
or bust.
Right here!
(TYRES SCREECHING)
That's, uh, $27.50.
I... I never carry a wallet
when I'm working.
Ruins the lines
of my suit.
- Oh.
- But, uh,
how about a crisp high five?
Okay.
Merry Christmas.
And a convivial Tuesday
in April to you too, Pool!
♪ Hey, yeah
I wanna shoop, baby
WADE: (SINGING)
♪ Shoop shooop ba-doop, shoop ba-doop
♪ Shoop ba-doop,
ba-doop, ba-doop
♪ You're packed and you're
stacked 'specially in the back
♪ Brother, wanna thank your
mother for a butt like that
♪ Can I get some fries
with that shake-shake boobie?
♪ If looks could kill
you would be an uzi
♪ You're a shotgun, bang! ♪
Wha... Oh!
Oh, hello. I know, right?
Whose balls did I have to fondle
to get my very own movie?
I can't tell you,
but it does rhyme
with "Polverine."
And let me tell you,
he's got a nice pair of
smooth criminals down under.
Anyway, I got places to be,
a face to fix and, oh...
Bad guys to kill.
(POP MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
Maximum effort.
(GROANS)
(GRUNTING)
WADE: Cock shot.
(SCREAMING)
(MOCKINGLY) Ha!
(GRUNTS)
Rich Corinthian leather.
WADE: I'm looking for Francis!
Have you seen this man?
(GROANS)
- Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
- (RADIO STATIONS CHANGING)
WADE: Ow. Ow!
Yanky, yanky!
- (GUN FIRES)
- (SCREAMS)
(MACHINE GUN FIRING)
- (WADE GASPS)
- (GROANS)
(SCREAMS)
- (MAN GROANING)
- (CAR ACCELERATING)
(GRUNTING)
(TYRES SCREECHING)
(CONTINUES GRUNTING)
(SCREAMING)
(MUFFLED SCREAMING)
WADE: I've never said this,
but don't swallow.
(MAN GROANING)
(GUN COCKS)
(GRUNTS)
Shit.
Did I leave the stove on?
(THUDS)
(TYRES SCREECHING)
REPORTER: (ON TV)
Now, breaking news.
A multi-car collision
turned shots fired
on the crosstown expressway
this morning.
Gridlock has kept
police from the scene.
Residents are advised
to remain in their homes.
The assailant
appears to be armed,
dangerous, and wearing...
- a red suit.
- A red suit.
Deadpool.
Negasonic!
Come, we have mission.
NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD:
Colossus, wait up.
I've given Deadpool
every chance to join us...
but he'd rather
act like a child.
A heavily-armed child.
When will he grow up and see
benefits of becoming X-Man?
Which benefits?
The matching unitards?
The house that blows up
every few years?
Please.
House blowing up
builds character.
You ate breakfast, yes?
Breakfast is most
important meal of day.
Here, protein bar.
Good for bones.
Deadpool may try
to break yours.
(JET ENGINE ROARING)
(PEOPLE CLAMORING)
MAN: Get out of the way!
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING
AND SCREAMING)
- WADE: Hey! Whoo!
- (GUNS FIRING)
(WOMAN SCREAMS)
WADE: Wait!
You may be wondering,
"Why the red suit?"
Well, that's so bad guys
can't see me bleed.
This guy's got the right idea.
He wore the brown pants.
(GUN FIRING)
Fine!
I only have 12 bullets...
so you're gonna
have to share!
Let's count them down.
(GUN FIRING)
(GROANING)
(FIRING CONTINUES)
(GROANS)
(TYRES SCREECHING)
Shit.
Motherfucker!
Ten! Shit!
Nine. Fuck.
Eight.
Shit-fuck!
(GRUNTS)
Bad Deadpool.
Seven.
Good Deadpool.
(BULLETS RICOCHETING)
(GUN COCKS)
Oh!
(GRUNTS)
(GUN CLICKING)
- Someone's not counting. Six.
- (GROANS)
(GUN FIRING)
(EXPLODING)
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
- (MACHINE-GUN FIRING)
- Oh!
(GROANS) Four...
- (GUN FIRES)
- (GROANS)
Gotcha.
(GRUNTS)
Right up main street.
Three, two!
Stupid! Worth it.
(GUNFIRE CONTINUES)
(GUN FIRES)
(ALL GROANING)
(CLINKS)
(SNIFFING)
Ah!
I'm touching myself tonight.
Francis!
Francis...
What the shit-biscuit!
Where you at, Francis?
(GROANING)
(GROANING LOUDLY)
You're not Francis.
Really?
Rolling up the sleeves?
(GROANS)
WADE:
You're probably thinking,
"My boyfriend said
this was a superhero movie...
"but that guy in the red suit
just turned
"that other guy
into a fucking kabab!"
Well, I may be super,
but I'm no hero.
And yeah, technically,
this is a murder.
But some of the best love
stories start with a murder.
And that's exactly
what this is, a love story.
And to tell it right...
I gotta take you back
to long before
I squeezed this ass
into red spandex.
MERCHANT: Look, would it help
if I slow it down for you?
I didn't order the pizza.
Is this 7348 Red Ledge Drive?
Are you Mr. Merchant?
Yeah, the Mr. Merchant who
didn't order the fucking pie!
Then who placed the call?
WADE: I did!
(TOILET FLUSHING)
Pineapple and olive?
Sweet and salty.
The fuck are you?
The fuck you doing
in my crib...
Is it burnt crust?
I... God,
I hope not. Um...
Whoa... Man, look,
if this is about that poker game.
(STAMMERING)
I told Howie, I told him that...
Okay, uh, look,
just take whatever you want.
- Thanks.
- Sir...
...before you do
anything to him,
do you mind
if I a get a big tip?
(CHUCKLES)
Uh, Jeremy, is it?
- Umm-hmm. Yeah.
- Wade. Wade Wilson.
That is a no go
on the tiperoo, Jer.
I'm not here for him.
I'm here for you.
Oh. (CHUCKLES)
Okay, wow, dodged
a big-time bullet on that one.
- Not out of the woods yet.
- (GROANS)
You need to seriously ease up
on the bedazzling.
They're jeans,
not a chandelier.
P.S. I'm keeping your wallet.
You did kinda give it to me.
Okay, just look, man,
can I have my Sam's card...
I will shoot your fucking cat!
I don't really know what that means.
I don't have a cat.
Then whose kitty litter
did I just shit in?
Anyhoo, tell me something...
what situation
isn't improved by pizza?
Do you happen to know
a Meghan Orflosky?
Getting that right?
Orflosky?
Orlovsky? Yeah? Good.
Because she knows you.
Jeremy, I belong
to a group of guys
who take a dime
to beat a fella down.
And little Meghan,
she's not made of money,
but lucky for her...
I got a soft spot.
- But I'm a...
- A stalker.
Threats hurt, Jer.
Though not nearly as badly
as serrated steel.
So keep away
from Meghan.
Cool?
Yes. Yes, sir.
Then we're done.
Wait. (CHUCKLES SLOWLY)
We are?
- Yeah. We're totally done.
- (MERCHANT LAUGHS)
You should've seen your face.
I didn't know what to do.
I was so scared.
Soft spot, remember?
(WHIMPERS)
You even look in her
general direction again...
and you will learn
in the worst of ways
that I have
some hard spots too.
That came out wrong.
Or did it?
(WHIMPERING)
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(WOMAN LAUGHING)
Mmm... Meghan?
You've heard the last
of Jeremy. He's sorry.
No friggin' way.
Should've brought
my roller blades.
Show these kids
how it's done.
Oh. And that's why we do it.
But mostly the money.
Hey, think you could
fuck up my step-dad?
I give a guy
a pavement facial,
it's because he's earned it.
MEGHAN: Hey, wait!
You're my hero.
No, no, no, no.
That I ain't!
WADE:
Nope. Never will be.
Oh. Fuck you, Wade.
I'm just a bad guy who gets
paid to fuck up worse guys.
Welcome to Sister Margaret's.
It's like a job fair
for mercenaries.
Think of us as really
fucked up tooth fairies...
except we knock out the teeth
and take the cash.
You'd best hope we never see
your name on a gold card.
Buck! Liefeld...
BUCK: Hey, Wade!
Wade Wilson,
patron saint of the pitiful.
What can I do for you?
I'd love a Blow Job.
Oh, God, me too.
The drink, moose knuckle.
But first...
Hey, and I ain't taking
any babysitting money, all right?
Make sure
that gets back to Ms...
Orlovsky.
Yeah, her.
- You sure?
- Hmm.
You know, for a merc,
you're pretty warm-blooded.
I bet you let
the kid off easy, too.
Oh, he's not a bad kid, Weas.
Just a little light stalking.
I was way worse than him
when I was his age.
I was traveling
to exotic places...
Baghdad, Mogadishu,
Jacksonville,
meeting new and exciting
people. And then, uh...
Killing them. Yeah,
I've seen your Instagram.
So what was Special Forces doing
in Jacksonville, anyway?
That's classified.
(WHISPERS)
They have a wonderful TGI Fridays.
All right, Kahlua, Baileys and...
whipped cream.
I give you a Blow Job.
Why do you
make me make that?
Kelly, Kelly, Kelly...
Take that over to Buck please,
and tell him it's from Boothe.
Little foreplay.
Remind me what good
will come of this?
I don't take the shits.
I just disturb them.
- BUCK: Boothe!
- Oh!
- Easy, man.
- Hold up! Hold up!
What you want?
- (GRUNTS)
- (ALL EXCLAIMING)
- Cheers. To your health.
- WEASEL: Fuck you.
BOOTHE:
Come here, you fat fuck!
That's a new stool.
(ALL CLAMORING)
BUCK: Stay the fuck down.
(GROANS)
MAN: Whoa! Took his ass out!
WEASEL: All right, move.
Move, move, move.
Buck, go rest.
MAN: Boothe got hit
then went down.
Yeah, he's still breathing.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Nobody wins today.
Nice try, Wade.
You got me.
I picked Boothe in the dead pool.
Who did you pick?
Yeah, Wade,
about that, um...
No.
You did not bet
on me to die.
You bet on me to die. Wow!
Motherfucker, you're
the world's worst friend.
Well, joke's on you.
I'm living to 102.
And then dying.
Like the city of Detroit.
I'm sorry. I just...
I wanted to win money.
I never win anything.
Whatever.
Soldiers of fortune,
drinks on me!
(ALL CHEERING)
Domestic, nothing imported.
WOMAN:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...
Baby, are you sure you wanna
shoot your whole wad?
Uh... Tight.
- Vanessa.
- Wade.
What's a nice place like you
doing in a girl like this?
I'd hit that.
Buck, you best
apologize before...
- (GASPS)
- Yeah, that.
Say the magic words,
Fat Gandalf.
- I'm sorry.
- Breathe through the nose.
I don't have a filter
between my brain and my...
Let go. Okay.
Hey, oh, oh, oh...
Hakuna his tatas.
He's sorry.
I'm working on it.
Get out of here.
Go. Go cast a spell.
VANESSA: Hey. Hands off
the merchandise.
Merchandise? Huh...
So you, uh...
bump fuzzies for money?
- Yep.
- Rough childhood?
Rougher than yours.
Daddy left before
I was born.
Daddy left before
I was conceived.
Ever had a cigarette
put out on your skin?
Where else do you
put one out?
I was molested.
Me too. Uncle.
Uncles. They took turns.
I watched my own
birthday party
through the keyhole
of a locked closet...
which also happens to be my...
Your bedroom. Lucky.
I slept in a dishwasher box.
(GASPS) You had a dishwasher.
I didn't even know sleep.
It was pretty much
24/7 ball gags,
brownie mix and clown porn.
(LAUGHS)
Who would do such a thing?
Hopefully you, later tonight?
Hey, what can I get for,
uh, $275 and a...
a Yogurtland rewards card?
Baby, about 48 minutes of
whatever the fuck you want.
And a low-fat dessert.
Did she just put a gift card
in your mouth?
It's time to put
balls in holes.
You said whatever I want.
I get it.
You love skee ball.
Apparently more than
you love vagina.
That's a tough call.
(SCOFFS)
(STUTTERS) I just wanna get to
know the real you, you know.
Not the short-shorted,
two-dimensional
sex object
peddled by Hollywood.
VANESSA: Balls in holes.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
Balls in holes.
Prepare to lose tragically.
Bring it, big man.
Okay.
(MOCKING SCOOBY-DOO)
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
The limited edition
Voltron: Defender of
the Universe ring, por favor.
Okay. Here we go.
Had my eye on
this sucker for a while.
And I will take
the pencil eraser.
BOY: Okay.
You are now the protector
of the planet Arus.
And you can erase stuff...
written in pencil.
M'lady?
Well, I hate to
break it to you...
but your 48 minutes
are up.
Hey, how many more minutes
can I get for this?
FYI, five mini lion-bots
come together
to form one super-bot, so...
Five mini lion-bots?
Three minutes.
Deal.
What do we do with the remaining
two minutes, 37 seconds?
Cuddle?
(MOANING)
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
How long can you
keep this up?
All year?
(CHUCKLES)
(CONTINUES MOANING)
Happy Valentine's Day.
Happy Chinese New Year.
Year of the Dog.
(EXHALES)
Relax.
And Happy
International Women's Day.
(WHIP CRACKS)
(GROANS) No. No. No.
Happy Lent.
(MOANING)
Ow, ow.
- Wade?
- Sorry.
Happy Halloween.
Happy Halloween.
(LAUGHS)
(CONTINUES MOANING)
Happy Thanksgiving.
I love you.
If your left leg
is Thanksgiving...
and your right leg
is Christmas...
can I visit you
between the holidays?
- (CHUCKLES)
- Oh!
That sweater is terrible.
(LAUGHS)
But red looks good on you.
Red's your color.
Brings out the bloodshot
in your eyes.
Listen, I've been thinking...
Really?
...about why we're
so good together.
Why's that?
Well, your crazy matches
my crazy. Big time.
Hmm. (CHUCKLES)
And, uh, we're like
two jigsaw pieces,
you know,
the weird curvy edges...
You put them together and you
can see the picture on top.
Right.
Wade...
there's something I've been
meaning to ask you.
But only because you haven't
gotten around to asking me.
Will you, uh...
- stick it in my...
- Marry me?
Uh... Jinx?
Huh.
Where were you
hiding that?
Nowhere.
They say one month's salary.
So, uh...
You mean?
I do.
That's my line.
I love you, Wade Wilson.
You're supposed to...
So that's a...
- Yes!
- Whoo!
Yes!
(LAUGHS)
I feel just like
a little girl.
- (CHUCKLES)
- (SIGHS)
What if I just held on
and never let go?
Just ride a bitch's back,
like Yoda on Luke.
Oh, Star Wars jokes.
Empire.
Jesus Christ.
It's like I made you
in a computer.
(MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
Mmm.
Hey.
- Perfect.
- (CAMERA CLICKS)
- Let's see.
- All right, wee break.
Shake it, yeah.
(SIGHS)
WADE: Here's the thing.
Life is an endless series
of train-wrecks...
with only brief,
commercial-like breaks of happiness.
This had been the ultimate
commercial break.
- (TOILET FLUSHING)
- (SIGHS)
Which meant
it was time to return
to our regularly
scheduled program.
- What the...
- (THUDS)
Oh, my God. Wade?
You're clowning.
You're not clowning?
I sense clowns.
People react to news of
late-stage cancer differently.
There are certainly options
we can look into.
New drugs are being
developed every day.
So what do we do?
Surely there is
something we can do.
My uncle Ivan was diagnosed
with thyroid cancer...
and there were all these new
experimental drugs from Germany.
WADE: Vanessa's already
working on Plan A, B,
all the way through Z.
Me? I'm memorizing
the details of her face.
Like it's the first time
I'm seeing it.
Or the last.
DOCTOR: Mr. Wilson...
Mr. Wilson?
Take your time
to process this.
It's important not to
do anything rash.
(WADE GRUNTS)
(SIGHS LOUDLY)
Now, if I were
a 200-pound sack
of assholes named Francis,
where would I hide?
(MOTORBIKE REVVING)
Oh.
(ENGINE ROARING)
(GUN FIRING)
(FRANCIS GRUNTS)
WADE: A hush falls
over the crowd
as rookie sensation
Wade W. Wilson...
out of Regina, Saskatchewan,
lines up the shot.
His form looks good.
Oh!
And that's why Regina
rhymes with fun.
Ladies and gentlemen,
what you're witnessing...
is sweet dick-kicking revenge.
Oh! Giving him the business.
Incoming!
This is taking unsportsmanlike
conduct to a whole new level!
(FRANCIS GROANS)
Looking good, Francis.
Well rested.
Like you've been pitching,
not catching.
Ringing any bells? No?
How about now?
(CHUCKLES SLOWLY)
Wade fucking Wilson.
FRANCIS:
Well, hello, gorgeous.
WADE: Yeah, like I got bit
by a radioactive Shar-Pei.
Yeah. And whose fault
is that, huh, Francis?
Yeah, time to undo what
you did to this butterface.
Please, you should thank me.
Apparently, I made you immortal.
I'm actually quite jealous.
Yeah, but this ain't
a life worth living, is it?
Now, I'm about
to do to you
what Limp Bizkit did to
music in the late 90s.
(METAL CLANKS)
Dad?
WADE: I think we can all agree
that shit just went sideways
in the most colossal way.
Well, maybe not the most.
WADE: Uh... This is
my most prized possession.
VANESSA: Wham?
No, no, no. Wham!
Make It Big is the album that George
and Andy earned the exclamation point.
So, am I supposed
to just smile
and wave you out the door?
Think of it like
spring cleaning.
Only if spring
was death.
God, if I had a nickel
for every time
I spanked it to
Bernadette Peters.
- Sounds like you do.
- (COINS JINGLING)
Bernadette is not
going anywhere,
because you're not
going anywhere.
Drink.
You're right.
Cancer is only in my liver,
lungs, prostate, and brain.
All things I can
live without.
Ha.
You belong here
at home.
Surrounded by
your Voltron
and your Bernadette,
and you and me.
Listen, we both know
that cancer is a shit-show.
Like, a Yakov-Smirnoff-
opening-for-the
Spin-Doctors-at-the-
Iowa-State-Fair shit-show.
And under no circumstances
will I take you to that show.
I want you to remember me.
Not the ghost
of Christmas me.
Well, I wanna remember us.
I swear to God, I will
find you in the next life...
and I'm gonna boom-box
Careless Whisper outside your window.
Wham!
No one is boom-boxing shit.
Okay?
We can fight this.
Besides, I just
realized something.
You win.
Your life is officially
way more fucked up
than mine.
(WADE CHUCKLES)
I love you.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Wade.
Weas.
You look like you need
a Blow Job and a shower.
Though courtesy calls
for the latter first.
How about three shots
of Patron?
Or how about Triticum aestivum,
wheatgrass.
Excellent for
the immune system.
Jesus Christ.
You sound like Vanessa.
Here, check it out.
She's sending away for all these
colorful clinic brochures.
I'm sure they're
all FDA approved.
Chechnya. Isn't that where
you go to get cancer?
You got China
and Central Mexico.
You know how they
say "cancer" in Spanish?
No.
- El Cancer.
- Oh.
I could have
guessed that.
Look how happy
you look here.
Mind if I keep this?
Put it up,
so I can remember
when you looked alive.
At least now I'm gonna
win the dead pool.
Now that you're gonna die
tragically of cancer.
I got it, Weas. Thanks.
Oh.
And, uh, that guy over there
came in looking for you.
Real Grim Reaper type.
I don't know.
Might further the plot.
Boothe.
BOOTHE: Wade.
(WADE SIGHS)
Mr. Wilson.
How can I help you?
Besides luring children
into a panel van.
I understand you've recently
been diagnosed with terminal cancer.
Stalker alert.
It's my job.
Recruitment.
I'm sorry you've had
such a tough go.
But you're a fighter.
Special Forces.
41 confirmed kills.
One every seven weeks.
Same rate most folks
get a haircut. Hmm...
It's to wash
the taste out.
It's tough to forget
being so impressive.
And now you
spend your days
sticking up for
the little people...
People change.
What do you want?
I represent an organization
that may be able to help.
What if I told you
we can cure your cancer?
And what's more, give you abilities
most men only dream of?
I'd say that you sound
like an infomercial,
but not a good one,
like Slap Chop.
More Shake Weight-y.
AGENT SMITH: The world needs
extraordinary soldiers.
We won't just
make you better.
We will make you
better than better.
A superhero.
Look, Agent Smith,
I tried the hero business
and it left a mark.
But if I ever hit "Fuck it,"
I'll look you up.
Oh, um...
Shit. We're within
500 yards of a school,
so you may wanna, you know...
His drink's on him.
WEASEL: What did he say?
(THUNDERCLAP)
(SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE)
(SNIFFLES)
VANESSA: Hey, what's going on?
(SNIFFLES) Hey. Sorry.
I had a Liam Neeson
nightmare.
I dreamt I kidnapped
his daughter
and he just
wasn't having it.
Hey, uh, they've made
three of those movies.
At some point you have
to wonder if he's just a bad parent.
Hmm.
WADE: The worst part about cancer
isn't what it does to you...
but what it does to
the people you love.
Who knew if this guy
could save my life...
but I knew there was only one
way that I could save hers.
(DOOR CLOSES)
Isn't that what
superheroes do?
(CARS HONKING)
(PHONE RINGING)
WADE: (SIGHS) Okay. Let's pro-con
this superhero thing.
- (THUDS)
- Ow.
Pro: They pull down
a gaggle of ass.
Local dry cleaning discounts.
Lucrative film deals,
both origin stories
and larger ensemble
team movies.
Con: They're all lame-ass
teacher's pets.
You know,
I can hear you.
I wasn't talking to you.
I was talking to them.
Stay right here.
COLOSSUS: You've been
warned before, Deadpool.
This is a shameful and
reckless use of your powers.
You will both
be coming with us.
WADE: Look, Colossus,
I don't have time for
the goody two-shoes
bullshit right now!
And you are?
Negasonic Teenage Warhead.
Negasonic Teenage...
What the shit?
That's the coolest name ever!
So, what, you're like,
uh, his sidekick?
No. Trainee.
Let me guess.
X-Men left you behind
on what? Shit detail?
What does that make you?
Pretending you're not here,
Negasonic Teenage Warhead.
Can we trade names?
- (FRANCIS GROANS)
- Can we go?
WADE: Look!
I'm a teenage girl.
I'd rather be
anywhere than here.
I'm all about
long sullen silences...
followed by mean comments,
followed by more silences.
So what's it gonna be, huh?
Long sullen silence...
or mean comment? Go on.
You got me in a box here.
Aha!
We can't allow this,
Deadpool.
Please, come quietly.
You big chrome
cock-gobbler!
COLOSSUS: That's not nice.
You're really gonna
fuck this up for me?
Trust me, that wheezing bag
of dick-tips has it coming.
He's pure evil.
Besides...
Nobody's getting hurt.
(THUDS)
That guy was already up there
when I got here.
Wade, you are
better than this.
Join us.
Use your powers for good.
WADE: Heads up.
Be a superhero.
WADE: Listen!
The day I decide to become a
crime-fighting shit-swizzler...
who rooms with a bunch of other little
whiners at the Neverland mansion...
of some creepy, old, bald,
Heaven's Gate-looking motherfucker...
on that day...
I'll send your shiny,
happy ass a friend request.
But until then, I'mma do
what I came here to do.
Either that or slap
the bitch outta you!
- COLOSSUS: Wade...
- Hey.
Zip it, Sinead!
Hey, douche-pool!
And I hope
you're watching...
(MOTORBIKE REVVING)
(GASPS LOUDLY)
Quite unfortunate.
That does it!
- (METAL CLANKS)
- (BONES CRACKS)
Oh!
(GROANS) Canada!
That's not good.
COLOSSUS: Wade, please.
WADE: Cock shot!
(BONES CRACKS, GROANS)
Oh, your poor wife.
You really should stop.
(GROANING)
All the dinosaurs
feared the T-rex.
- (WADE SCREAMS)
- (BONES CRACKS)
(LAUGHS)
WADE: I promise this gets
worse for you, big boy!
- This is embarrassing.
- (GROANS)
Please, stay down.
WADE: You ever hear of the one-legged
man in the ass-kicking contest?
Do you have off switch?
Yeah, it's right next
to the prostate.
Or is that the on switch?
- Enough!
- (GLASS SHATTERS)
(LAUGHS)
(GROANING)
COLOSSUS: Let us go talk
to the Professor.
McAvoy or Stewart?
These timelines
are so confusing.
"Dead or alive,
you're coming with me!"
COLOSSUS:
You will recover, Wade.
You always do.
You ever see 127 Hours?
Spoiler alert.
(SQUISHING NOISE)
Oh, my God.
Nasty.
WADE: Oh, there's
the money shot, baby.
(RETCHING)
Are You There God?
It's Me, Margaret.
(TRUCK HORN HONKS)
WADE: Rock, meet bottom.
And when life ends up
breathtakingly fucked...
you can generally trace it
back to one big, bad decision.
The one that sent you
down the road to Shitsburgh.
This? Well, this was mine.
AGENT SMITH:
Mr. Wilson.
Nothing warms my heart more than
a change of someone else's.
You finally hit "Fuck it."
Just promise
you'll do right by me.
So I can do right
by someone else.
Of course.
And please don't make
the super-suit green.
Or animated.
(MAN CHOKING)
MAN: Move it! Keep moving.
(PATIENT SCREAMING)
This place seems sanitary.
My first request
is warmer hands.
Oh! And, Jesus,
a warmer table.
We should really come up
with a safe word, fellas.
I'm thinking
"Pork and Beans."
(GROANS) Easy.
Aren't you a little
strong for a lady?
I'm calling wang.
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
What's up with the matches?
Oral fixation
or just a big Stallone fan?
(MUFFLED GROAN)
Patience, Angel.
All in good time.
Are you here for
the turndown service, or what?
We have another talker.
I'm just excited about my
first day at superhero camp.
Shut the fuck up.
Mr. Wilson, my name's Ajax.
I manage this workshop.
Ah, my welcome speech used to
be full of euphemisms like...
"This may hurt a little."
"This may cause you
some discomfort."
But I've grown blunt.
This workshop is not
a government-led program.
It's a private institution that turns
reclamation projects like yourself...
into men of
extraordinary abilities.
But if you think super-human
powers are acquired painlessly...
- Wrong.
- (GROANS)
I'm injecting you
with a serum...
that activates any mutant
genes lurking in your DNA.
For it to work we need to
subject you to extreme stress.
(WADE GROANING)
You've heard that whole "make an omelet,
break some eggs" bit, right?
I'm about to hurt you, Wade.
I was a patient here once
myself, you know.
The treatment affects
everyone differently.
It made Angel
inhumanly strong.
In my case,
it enhanced my reflexes.
Also scorched my nerve endings,
so I no longer feel pain.
And, in fact,
I no longer feel anything.
(MUMBLING)
Thanks! Thank you. Thank you.
You have something
in your teeth.
Right in the middle there.
Just, I don't...
A little nugget of romaine
lettuce or something.
(SIGHS)
It's been bothering me
for a long time.
(LAUGHS)
Ah, made you look.
Hey, is Ajax
your actual name?
Because it sounds
suspiciously made up.
What is it, really?
Kevin? Bruce? Scott?
Mitch? The Rickster?
(IN BRITISH ACCENT)
Is it Basil Fawlty?
Oh, joke away.
One thing that never
survives this place
is a sense of humor.
We'll see about that.
I suppose we will.
He's all yours.
Oh, come on.
You're gonna leave me
all alone here.
With less-angry
Rosie O'Donnell?
(GROANS)
FRANCIS: This is how
it's going to work.
Adrenaline acts as a catalyst
for the serum...
so we're going
to have to make you suffer.
FRANCIS: If you're lucky,
the mutant genes will activate
and manifest in
a spectacular fashion.
(GASPS)
FRANCIS: If not, well, we'll
have to keep on hurting you...
(WADE SHIVERING)
in new and different ways,
each more painful
than the last...
until you finally mutate.
Or die.
CUNNINGHAM:
You mean a bucket list?
WADE: Like a fuck-it list.
I'd really like
to light a spliff
off the Olympic torch.
CUNNINGHAM:
Pass it to me right after.
Let's not forget naked
tandem base-jumping
with the WNBA's
Sacramento Monarchs.
Anything on my bucket list
would involve public nudity.
Finally, giving Meredith
Baxter-Birney a Dutch oven.
No. Receiving a Dutch oven
from Meredith Baxter-Birney.
(LAUGHS)
Making banana pancakes
for my kids.
Vanessa.
WADE: I wanna see Vanessa.
FRANCIS: You're lovely.
I don't know about
anyone else, but I'm touched.
We were just joking.
No, no. It's okay.
I encourage distractions.
Wouldn't want you giving up
on us, now would we?
Hey, don't take any shit
from him, Cunningham.
How tough can he be...
with a name like Francis?
Francis?
WADE: That's his legal name.
(CHUCKLING) He got "Ajax"
from the dish soap.
F, R, A, N, C, I...
Oops!
Snagged the dry cleaning tag
off your lab coat.
FYI, I could probably get you
the superhero discount.
You are so
relentlessly annoying.
Thanks.
Never heard that before.
Why don't you do us all
a favor and shut the fuck up?
Or I'll sew
your pretty mouth shut.
Oh...
I wouldn't do that
if I were you.
See, here's the problem with
round-the-clock torture...
is that you can't really
step it up from there.
Is that what you think?
If this doesn't unlock
your mutation, then, well...
nothing will.
Now, what we're going to do is
lower the oxygen
concentration in the air...
to the exact point you feel
like you're suffocating.
If your brainwaves slow,
meaning you're
about to pass out...
then we'll turn up the O2.
If your heart rate slows...
meaning you're able
to catch your breath...
we'll turn it back down.
And that's where
we'll leave you.
Right there.
Oh, and I thought
you guys were dicks before.
FRANCIS: You know
the funniest part of this?
You still think we're making
you a superhero.
You. A dishonorable discharge.
Hip-deep in hookers.
You're nothing.
Little secret, Wade.
This workshop
doesn't make superheroes,
we make super-slaves.
We're gonna fit you
with a control collar
and auction you off
to the highest bidder.
Who knows what
they'll have you doing?
Terrorizing citizens,
putting down freedom fighters.
Maybe just mow
the occasional lawn.
What the fuck
is wrong with you?
You're never going home
after this.
Now there's a brave face.
Wait, wait! Wait. Wait.
Seriously, you actually have
something in your teeth now.
Enjoy your weekend.
"Weekend"? Back up.
Weekend?
(MACHINE HISSING)
(GASPING)
(CHOKING)
(EKG MONITOR BEEPING)
- (CHOKING)
- (EKG BEEPING RAPIDLY)
WADE: Did I say
this was a love story?
No, it's a horror movie.
(SCREAMING)
(GASPING)
FRANCIS: Fucking hell.
Looks like someone lost his
shot at Homecoming King.
What have you done to me?
I've merely raised
your stress levels
high enough
to trigger a mutation.
You sadistic fuck!
I've cured you, Wade.
Now your mutated cells
can heal anything.
It's attacking your cancer
as fast as it can form.
Yeah, I've seen similar
side-effects before.
I could cure them...
but where's the fun in that?
Now, I'm gonna
shut you in again, Wade.
Not because I need to.
Because I want to.
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
Oh, well.
Go ahead.
Oh, you smell like shit.
- (GRUNTS)
- Whoa! (LAUGHS)
ANGEL DUST:
Motherfucker.
Hey, hey, hey.
It's all right, it's all right.
I think we owe him
that one, yeah?
You take off. Go on.
Off you go.
Quick question.
What's my name?
Didn't think so.
WADE: Sorry, Francis.
My lips are sealed.
(GROANING)
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
(EXPLODING)
(MEN SCREAMING
IN THE DISTANCE)
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
(MAN COUGHING)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(GROANS)
(GRUNTING)
(GROANING)
You don't want to kill me.
I'm the only one
who can fix your ugly mug.
(GRUNTING)
(LAUGHS)
(GRUNTING)
(GROANING)
(GRUNTS LOUDLY)
(RETCHING)
(GRUNTS AND LAUGHS)
(GRUNTING)
(WADE BREATHING HEAVILY)
What's my name?
CUNNINGHAM: Wade.
(GROANS)
WADE: I didn't just get
the cure to el cancer...
I got the cure
to el everything.
But there was
only one thing...
that really mattered.
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
(INFANT CRYING)
WOMAN: Come on, let's go.
WOMAN: Oh, that must hurt.
Thank you so much.
(INDISTINCT
CONVERSATIONS CONTINUE)
God, he's so fucking gnarly.
WOMAN: Look at his face.
MAN: Oh, my God. Poor guy.
FEMALE PEDESTRIAN:
Honey, don't stare.
MALE PEDESTRIAN: Freak.
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
No way. I'm not making
her life as ugly as mine.
Come on, Wade,
it can't be that bad.
Ah, bullshit!
I'm a monster inside and out.
I belong in a fucking circus.
Wade, Vanessa loves you.
She doesn't care what you...
Oh! Oh.
Do you like what you see?
No.
You look like an avocado
had sex with an older,
more disgusting avocado.
Yeah.
Not gently.
Like it was hate-fucking.
There was something wrong
with the relationship...
and that was
the only catharsis
that they could find
without violence.
And the only guy
who can fix this fugly mug...
is the British shitstick
who ran the mutant factory.
And he's gone. Poof!
Yeah, well you gotta do
something to remedy this...
because as of now,
you only have
one course of action.
Damn straight.
- Find Francis.
- Star in horror films.
What?
Star in your own horror films.
Because you look
like Freddy Krueger
face-fucked
a topographical map of Utah.
Here's what
I'm actually gonna do.
I'm gonna work
through his crew
until somebody
gives up Francis...
force him to fix this, then
put a bullet in his skull...
and fuck the brain hole.
I don't wanna see that
or think of it again.
But the douchebag does
thinks you're dead, right?
Yeah.
That's good.
You should keep it that way.
What, like, wear a mask?
Yes. A very thick mask.
All the time.
I am sorry...
you are haunting.
Your face is
the stuff of nightmares.
Like a testicle with teeth.
You will die alone.
I mean, if you could die.
Ideally, for others' sake.
That'll do.
All you need now is a suit
and a nickname...
like Wade the Wisecracker...
or Scaredevil,
Mr. Neverdie.
Oh, shit.
What?
I put all my money
on you and now...
I just realized
I'm never gonna win the, uh...
Dead pool.
Captain Deadpool...
No, just...
- Just Deadpool, yeah.
- Just Deadpool.
To you, Mr. Pool.
Deadpool.
That sounds like
a fucking franchise.
(GLASSES CLINKS)
This shit's gonna
have nuts in it.
- (MAN GROANS)
- Where's Francis?
(GRUNTING)
(GUN FIRING)
(GROANING)
(SIGHS)
WADE: Where's Francis?
AL: Seltzer water
and lemon for blood.
Or wear red. Dumbass.
(ALL CHEERING)
(CLAMORING)
(GROANING)
- (GUN FIRING)
- (PEOPLE SCREAMING)
WADE:
Don't make me ask twice.
Where...
is Francis?
He made me ask twice.
Is the mask muffling my voice?
Where's Francis?
(GUN FIRING)
Where the fuck is Francis?
(GROANING)
(GROANING)
(WADE LAUGHING)
You're about to be killed
by a Zamboni.
Where's Francis?
(WOMAN WHIMPERS)
No! Please!
Oh, God! I'm so sorry!
(WOMAN SCREAMS)
Oh! You little
spider monkey!
(TOILET FLUSHING)
Where... is... Francis?
This is confusing.
Is it sexist to hit you?
Is it more sexist
to not hit you?
I mean, the line
gets real... blurry.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Where is Francis?
Tell me where
your fucking boss is
or you're gonna die!
In five minutes!
AGENT SMITH: (WHISPERS)
Don't hesitate to call me.
Nice to see you, Jared.
I'll take the footlong...
Fully loaded.
- (GRUNTING)
- (GUNS FIRING)
(PANTING)
- (GRUNTS)
- (GLASS SHATTERS)
(GROANS) Whoa, whoa!
41 confirmed kills.
Now it's 89.
About to be 90.
Mr. Wilson?
Ding-ding.
You're looking very alive.
Ha! Only on the outside!
This is not going to
end well for me, is it?
This is not gonna
end well for you, no.
Where's your boss?
I can tell you exactly...
(SHUSHING MOCKINGLY)
Oh, you'll tell me.
But first...
You might wanna
look away for this.
Now this little piggy
went to...
- (BONES CRACKING)
- (AGENT SMITH SCREAMS)
WADE: Thank you, Agent Smith.
Taxi!
Hop in! Great day for a ride.
(HINDI SONG PLAYING ON RADIO)
WADE: And we all know
how this turned out.
Whoops!
You weren't meant to see that.
There. All caught up.
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
We're here.
(GROANS) Sorry about
bleeding in all your garbage.
(GRUNTS)
Seltzer water and
lemon for blood.
Whoo!
Some kinds of anger
can't be managed...
like the kind where
your year-long plan
ends with the wrong guy
getting dismembered!
That said, when it comes time
to licking wounds,
there's no place like home.
Ah, and I share that home
with someone you've met,
the old blind lady
from the laundromat, Al.
God, I miss cocaine.
Her.
(GASPS) Fourth-wall break
inside a fourth-wall break.
That's like 16 walls.
She's like Robin to my Batman,
except she's old,
and black, and blind.
And I think
she's in love with me.
WADE: Wait, pretty sure
Robin loves Batman, too.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
(AL GROANS)
WADE: Al?
Morning, sleepyhead.
(GRUNTS)
It smells like
old lady pants in here.
Yes, I'm old.
I wear pants.
But you're no lady.
Oh! So comfy.
Upside of being blind:
I've never seen you in Crocs.
You mean my big,
rubber masturbating shoes?
AL: Yes, I know.
Downside of being blind...
I hear everything
in this duplex.
(GROANS)
Sit on a stick.
Bactin?
Yeah. Bactin should do it.
How's that Kullen
coming along?
IKEA doesn't assemble itself,
you know.
You're telling me.
I don't mind the Kullen.
It's an improvement
on the Hurdal.
Please. Anything's an
improvement over the Hurdal.
I'd have taken an Hemnes
or a Trysil over the Hurdal.
Oh, no, I didn't get excited
till I saw the Kullen.
Screw, please.
Here? Now?
Just kidding.
I know it's been decades.
You'd be surprised.
Pretty grossed out.
(GROANS) Ta... Da.
I wish I never heard
of Craigslist.
And I quote,
"Looking for roommate,
"blind to life's imperfections.
"Must be good with hands."
Or would you rather I build
the IKEA, and you pay rent?
Why such a douche
this morning?
Let's recap.
The cock thistle that
turned me into this freak...
slipped through
my arms today...
Arm.
Catching him was
my only chance
to be hot again,
get my super sexy ex back...
and prevent this shit from
happening to someone else.
So, yeah,
today was about as much fun
as a sandpaper dildo.
(WADE FARTS)
#Driveby.
Found out who our friend
in the red suit is.
Fucking Wade Wilson.
I suppose I'd wear a mask too
if I had a face like that.
I only wish I healed the same.
Still, we'll put him
out of our misery.
On our terms.
Right.
And when he heals?
He can't.
Not if there's nothing
left of him to heal.
You know, it's funny.
I almost miss the fucker.
I like a challenge.
But he's bad
for business.
Now let's go
find him.
Oh.
(WADE GRUNTS SLOWLY)
Tylenol PM?
You can stick that
where you stuck the Bactin.
I raided my stash
of wisdom tooth Percocet...
and I am orbiting
fucking Saturn right now.
(SIGHS)
But I appreciate the gesture.
Am I crazy,
or is your hand really small?
About the size of
a KFC spork.
Ugh.
I get why you're so pissy...
but your mood's
never gonna brighten
till you find this woman...
and tell her how you feel.
What do I keep telling you,
Mrs. Magoo?
She wouldn't have me.
If you could see me,
you'd understand.
Looks aren't everything.
Looks are everything.
You ever heard
David Beckham speak?
It's like he mouth-sexed
a can of helium.
You think Ryan Reynolds
got this far
on his superior acting method?
Love is blind, Wade.
No.
You're blind.
So, you're just gonna
lie there and whimper?
No, I'm gonna wait till this
arm plows through puberty...
and then I'm gonna
come up with
a whole new
Christmas Day plan.
In the meantime,
you might wanna
leave the room.
I bet it feels huge
in this hand.
Go, go, go.
Go. go. go.
WEASEL: So, the doctor says,
"The bad news is
"you don't have
that long to live."
So, the patient says,
"How long do I have?"
The doctor says, "Five."
The guy says, "Five what?"
And the doctor says,
"Four, three, two..."
(ALL LAUGHING)
Can I help you ladies?
Oh, I do hope so.
I heard you might be
able to point me
in the direction
of a, um, friend of mine.
Name of Wade Wilson.
Sorry.
I don't know the name.
Hey, you're not supposed
to be behind the bar.
I've seen this girl.
FRANCIS:
Ah, this must be Vanessa.
I've heard so much about you.
(GROANING)
Um, sweetheart,
you might wanna look around.
This isn't really the place
to do something like that.
Easy, Angel.
Put the little man down.
We have everything
we need now.
You sure?
You don't want any clothes
that are not monochromatic?
Have fun at your midnight
showing of Blade II.
Whoo.
Thanks for having
my back, guys.
Wade, we have
a fucking problem.
And by "we," I mean "you."
Ah, I can't believe
I'm doing this.
Is there a word for
half afraid, half angry?
Yeah, "Afrangry",
I guess.
Have you decided what
you're gonna say to her?
Fuck me!
Uh, maybe not
start with that.
(TRAP MUSIC PLAYING)
Hey, coming onto
our stage right now...
give it up for Chastity!
(ALL CHEERING)
Or as I like
to call her, Irony.
Better find her fast
before numbnuts does.
How do you know
she's in here?
Because I'm constantly
stalking that fox.
(MUSIC FADES OUT)
WADE: Every time I see her,
it's like the first time...
Especially from this angle.
(MUSIC FADES IN)
(MEN CHEERING)
ANNOUNCER:
You can't buy love,
but you can rent it
for three minutes.
(EXHALES)
Ah, you weak motherfucker!
Come on!
Come on, get it together.
This isn't about me,
this is about Vanessa.
Here we go.
Maximum effort.
Vanessa.
Someone out back
asking for you.
Something about, uh,
an old boyfriend.
I knew it was you.
The weird, curvy edges.
Like a jigsaw puzzle.
You have Wade Wilson
to thank for this.
(VANESSA GROANS)
Hey. Hey! Where'd she go?
Uh, I saw her
head to the back.
Go get her, tiger.
(SOFTLY) Fuck. Fuck!
Motherfucker!
Wait, wait.
Let's... Just...
Cock juggling...
We can talk about
what we're gonna...
Jiminy! Fuck face!
Okay, or you
can hit that.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Fuck! Fuck!
- No, no.
- All right. Hey!
Fuck! Fuck!
- Fuck!
- Hey, um...
- Whoa! Whoa!
- Relax. Relax. Okay.
Okay. I think
that's a good start.
Oh, I'm gonna rip
his motherfucking...
- (CELL PHONE RINGING)
- Wait.
- Find it! Find it.
- What?
- I'm gonna get angry.
- Okay. All right.
All right. Okay. All right.
Here. This is Vanessa.
- What?
- No, wait. It's Francis.
He wants you
to come to him.
- What is that?
- That's the shit emoji.
You know, it's the turd with
the smiling face and the eyes?
I thought it was chocolate
yogurt for so long.
I need guns.
Okay, which ones?
I need all the guns!
All right. Okay.
(HEAVY METAL PLAYING)
That's about 3,000 rounds.
We all know
what I can do with 12.
Hey, hey, careful with that,
Ronnie Milsap!
We're downrange.
I was gonna
spend the night
assembling the Borje,
but this is holding my interest.
I told you, we're going with
the Urvaj, not the Borje.
Get it through your head
or get out of fuck town.
Shit. That's all the pieces
in the house.
Nah, nah... Come on.
Let's go. Cough it up.
Up, up, up.
Oh. Down, down, down.
Fuck you.
.45 cal. I like it.
Wade...
I'd go with you,
but I don't want to.
Uh...
Listen, Al...
if I never see
you again,
I want you to know that
I love you very much.
And also, uh, there's
about 116 kilos of cocaine
buried somewhere
in the apartment...
right next to the cure
for blindness. Good luck.
You wanna get fucked up?
(SEAGULLS SCREECHING)
(MAN SPEAKING
INDISTINCTLY OVER P.A.)
(MUMBLING)
Put her down
over here.
(WHIMPERS)
(MUMBLING CONTINUES)
Go on then.
Thanks, dickless.
And I mean you.
Wow. You're a talker too.
You and Wade.
I've been trying
to tell you assholes,
you've got the wrong girl.
My old boyfriend,
he's dead.
See, I thought that too.
But he keeps on coming back.
Like a cockroach...
but uglier.
Now, I may not feel,
but he does.
Let's see how he fights
with your head on the block.
Ripley, from Alien 3!
Fuck, you're old.
(CACKLES)
Fake laugh.
Hiding real pain.
Go get Silver Balls.
You guys going for a bite?
Early bird special?
Oh, like there's
something wrong
with eating before sundown
or saving money.
No, you know that bad guy
that you let go?
He's got my girl.
You're gonna
help me get her back.
COLOSSUS:
Wade, is that you?
Yeah, it's me, Deadpool,
and I got an offer
that you can't refuse.
I'm gonna wait
out here, okay?
It's a big house.
It's funny that I only
ever see two of you.
It's almost like the studio
couldn't afford another X-Man.
WADE: And that is why,
in my opinion...
the movie Cocoon
is pure pornography.
Who brought
this twinkly man?
Twinkly, but deadly.
My chrome-penised
friend back there
has agreed
to do me this solid.
In exchange,
I said that I would
consider joining his boy band.
It's not boy band.
Sure it's not.
(SIGHS LOUDLY)
So, any luck winning Gita back?
I tried to hold on tight,
Mr. Pool...
but Bandhu is more craftier
and handsomer than me.
Well, I think you're
pretty darn cute.
(MAN SCREAMS)
(PUNJABI MUSIC
PLAYING ON RADIO)
- Dopinder.
- Hmm?
What was that?
Uh...
That was Bandhu
in the trunk.
Ban who?
My romantic rival Bandhu.
He's tied up in the trunk.
I'm doing as you said, DP.
I plan to gut him
like a tandoori fish,
then dump his carcass
on Gita's doorstep.
I did not tell him
to do that.
Absolutely not.
It got lost in translation.
Dopinder, this is no way
to win Gita's heart back!
(WHISPERS)
I'm so proud of you.
Drop Bandhu off,
safe and gentle-like.
(WHISPERS) Kill him.
And then,
win Gita back...
the old fashioned way:
with your boyish charm.
(WHISPERS) Kidnap her.
He's super dead.
Whoa!
I presume a crisp
high five?
For you? Ten.
Okay, guys, let's get out there
and make a difference.
(WHISPERS)
You know what to do.
DOPINDER: Knock 'em dead,
Pool Boy!
Time to make
the chimi-fuckin'-changas.
WADE: Not often
a dude ruins your face...
skull-stomps your sanity,
grabs your future baby mama...
and personally sees to four
of your five
shittiest moments.
Let's just say it's beginning
to look a lot like Christmas.
NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD:
Hey.
Where's your duffle bag?
(PHONE RINGING, BUZZING)
(HINDI SONG PLAYING ON RADIO)
(TRUCK HONKING)
(TYRES SCREECHING)
- (THUDS)
- (BANDHU SCREAMS)
DOPINDER: Bandhu?
DOPINDER: Leave a message
and have a happy day.
God damn it!
I'm gonna do this
the old fashioned way...
with two swords
and maximum effort.
Cue the music.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
(MUSIC STOPS)
FRANCIS: Wade Wilson!
What's my name?
Ooh, I'mma fuckin'
spell it out for ya.
Go get some.
Superhero landing.
She's gonna do
a superhero landing.
Wait for it.
WADE: Whoo!
Superhero landing!
You know, that's really
hard on your knees.
Totally impractical.
They all do it.
You're a lovely lady, but
I'm saving myself for Francis.
That's why
I brought him.
I prefer not to hit a woman,
so please play...
(GROANS)
I mean, that's why I brought her?
Oh, no, finish your tweet.
It's not... That's...
Just give us a second.
Yeah.
There you go.
Hashtag it.
Go get her, tiger.
(GROANS)
Oh, I so pity the dude who
pressures her into prom sex.
All right, then. Fire!
(GUNS FIRING)
(GRUNTS)
Finish fucking her
the fuck up!
Language, please.
Suck a cock.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
Look away, child.
Look away!
(SCREAMING)
WADE: Wait!
Wait!
Cease fire!
Cease fire!
WADE: Fellas! Hey! Hey!
You only work for that
shit-spackled muppet fart.
So, I'mma give you a chance
for y'all to lay down
your firearms...
in exchange for preferential,
bordering on gentle...
possibly even
lover-like treatment.
(GUNS FIRING)
Fine.
Commando!
(GRUNTING)
(EXHALING)
(GRUNTING)
(COLOSSUS GRUNTS)
(ANGEL DUST GROANS)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(GROWLS)
(MEN GROANING)
(GRUNTING)
Teabag!
Bob?
Wade?
Oh, my God,
I haven't seen you since...
- Jacksonville. Fridays.
- Since TGI Fridays.
Well, what the hell!
God, come here, you.
(GRUNTS)
How are the kids?
Good?
And Gail, she still fixing
that tuna casserole?
So good.
But bad for the waistline,
if you know what
I'm talking about.
Oh! (CLEARS THROAT)
Your... On the left.
You are beautiful woman.
That is so sweet.
Uh...
Thanks.
(GRUNTS)
(GROANS)
WADE: Yoo-hoo!
FRANCIS:
Does he write you notes too?
He's such a romantic.
WADE: Don't worry, baby.
I'm comin'.
Fire!
(GUNS FIRING)
NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD:
Hey!
Climb on!
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
(SCREAMING)
(GROANING)
Motherfucking...
Motherfucker should have
worn his brown pants.
You were right,
beautiful.
Red really is my color.
Wade?
Don't worry, baby...
I'mma get you out
of that shit-box.
What better way to crawl back
inside that head of yours?
Oh, you never left.
But you did, asshole!
Ah, deep breath, darling.
Oh, wait.
Wrong choice of words.
(CHOKING)
I hope they blocked pain
to your every last nerve.
'Cause I'mma go lookin'!
I hear you grow back
body parts now, Wade.
When I'm finished...
parts will have
to grow back you.
Good one.
Yep, that was a good one.
Let's dance.
And by dance, I mean...
let's try to kill each other.
- (GRUNTING)
- (METAL CLANKING)
(GASPING)
(GRUNTING)
(GROANS)
(COLOSSUS GROANING)
(CHOKING)
Fine. Fists.
Oh, sounds like
your last Saturday night.
(GRUNTING)
(GROANING)
(GRUNTING)
(VANESSA GROANS)
Asshole!
(FRANCIS GRUNTS)
(GROANS)
(GRUNTING)
(EXPLODING)
(GRUNTING)
(SCREAMS)
Hang in there, baby!
- Wade!
- I gotcha!
I got a plan.
You're not gonna like it.
(GRUNTING)
Shit! Shit! Shit!
(VANESSA SCREAMING)
Don't worry.
I'm totally on top of this.
(PANTING)
Ah! Damn it!
Maximum effort!
(VANESSA SCREAMS)
(RUMBLING)
(GRUNTS)
Thanks.
Just take it slow.
WADE: Yoo-hoo!
Oh, my God! That was so...
(GRUNTING)
(EXHALING HEAVILY)
(FRANCIS LAUGHS)
There are no words!
Me and you are headed
to fix this butterface.
What?
(CHUCKLES)
You stupid fucking idiot.
Did you really think
there was a cure... for that?
What?
You heard me.
No.
No!
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
(LAUGHING AND COUGHING)
So, you mean to say...
after all this,
you can't fix me?
It sounds even stupider
when you say it.
Like the kind of stupid
who admits
he can't do the one thing
I'm keeping him alive for?
Any last words?
What's my name?
Who fucking cares?
COLOSSUS: Wade!
Four or five moments.
I'm sorry?
Four or five moments,
that's all it takes.
To?
Be a hero.
(GROANS)
Everyone thinks
it's a full-time job.
Wake up a hero,
brush your teeth a hero,
go to work a hero.
Not true.
Over a lifetime, there are
only four or five moments
that really matter.
Moments when you're
offered a choice.
To make a sacrifice,
conquer a flaw,
save a friend...
spare an enemy.
In these moments...
everything else falls away.
The way the world sees us.
The way we...
(RETCHING)
Why?
You were droning on.
Sure, I may be stuck looking
like pepperoni flatbread...
but at least fuckface
won't heal from that.
If wearing superhero tights...
means sparing psychopaths...
then maybe I wasn't
meant to wear 'em.
Not everyone monitors
a hall like you.
Just promise...
Yeah, yeah,
I'll be on the lookout
for the next four moments.
(WHISPERS)
Oh, shit.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm just a boy,
about to stand
in front of a girl...
and tell her...
What the fuck
am I gonna tell her?
Well, hmm,
you better figure it out.
- I can't even tell you...
- (GRUNTS)
I deserved that.
That, too.
No, no, no,
maybe not the nethers.
Start talking!
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
(STUTTERS) For everything,
I'm sorry for leaving...
I'm sorry for not
cowboying up sooner.
It's been rough
couple of years.
Rough?
I live in a crackhouse.
With a family of 12.
Every night
we spoon for warmth.
Everybody fights for Noelle.
She's the fattest.
There's nothing
that we don't share.
Floor space, dental floss,
even condoms.
So, you live in a house.
I should have come
and found you sooner.
But, baby,
the guy under this mask,
he ain't the same one
that you remember.
You mean this mask?
And this one.
In case the other fell off.
All right.
Yeah, just... Ow.
Like a Band-Aid,
just give it a...
Owdie 5,000.
Wait, wait, wait...
Are you sure?
I'm sure.
Wow.
Yeah.
Hey.
After a brief
adjustment period...
and a bunch of drinks...
it's a face...
I'd be happy to sit on.
I'm not the same
underneath this suit, either.
No.
Super-penis.
COLOSSUS:
Come on, Wade. Language.
Young one is present.
What are you still doing?
Get out of here.
Go make yourself useful!
You, go be a really
big brother to someone.
Tell Beast to stop
shitting on my lawn.
And you, chicken noodle...
Nothing compares to you.
Sinead O'Connor, 1990.
Sorry.
That's all right.
You're cool.
(GASPS)
What in the ass?
That was not mean.
I'm proud of you!
We will make an X-Man
of you yet, Wade.
For a second there,
it felt like we were
three mini-lion robots...
coming together to form
one super robot.
There's a stupid.
Yeah.
And now, for the moment
I've all been waiting for.
Come here.
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
(LAUGHING)
Wham! As promised.
(MAN VOCALIZING)
WADE: See?
You don't need to be
a superhero to get the girl.
The right girl will bring out
the hero in you.
Now, let's finish this
epic wide shot. Pull out.
There we go, that looks nice.
That's gonna be
about the only thing
that's pulling out tonight.
Who doesn't love
a happy ending, huh?
'Til next time, this is
your friendly neighborhood
pool guy singin'...
♪ I'm never gonna dance again ♪
♪ The way I danced with you ♪
Improved By: Fidel33
Sub Upload Date: April 29, 2016
You're still here?
It's over. Go home.
Oh, you're expecting
a teaser for Deadpool 2.
Well, we don't have
that kind of money.
What are you expecting?
Sam Jackson to show up?
With an eye patch and a saucy
little leather number?
Go. Go.
DEADPOOL: Oh.
But I can tell you one thing,
and it's a bit of a secret.
For the sequel,
we're gonna have Cable.
Amazing character.
Bionic arm, time travel.
We have no idea
who we're gonna cast yet,
but it could be anybody.
Just need a big guy
with a flat top.
Could be Mel Gibson,
Dolph Lundgren...
Keira Knightley.
She's got range. Who knows.
Anyway, big secret. Shh...
Oh, and don't leave your
garbage all lying around.
It's a total dick move.
Go.
(VOCALIZES)