Dead on Time (1983) - full transcript
Bernard Fripp is told he has around thirty minutes to live. In a confused state, Fripp sets out to discover the best way to spend his dying moments.
(woman coughs)
(woman sniffs and coughs)
(coughs)
(newspaper page turns)
(woman coughs)
(newspaper page turns)
(newspaper thuds)
- Hmmm.
(exhales)
(spritzes)
(blows)
(coughs)
Hmm.
(inhales)
- You know, there's this
friend of my father's,
went to the hospital,
and, no, his wife, his wife,
that's it.
His wife went in hospital
and he went into work,
and, and when he got into
work he said to his secretary,
"My wife's gone into
hospital today,"
and, and she thought he said,
"My wife's gone into
hospital to die."
(chuckles)
(person coughs)
No, wait a minute.
This man is an Australian,
that's it.
This man's an Australian,
and, and he went into work,
and he said to his secretary
in an Australian accent,
you see,
he says, "My wife's,
my wife's
gone into hospital to die."
You see, to die.
He, he's Australian.
Anyway, later in the day,
oh, when he's leaving work,
um, his secretary says to him,
"I'm sorry to hear that
that your wife is dying."
And he says, "What do you mean?"
Or rather, "What do you mean?"
Because he's Australian
and and she says,
"Well, you came into
work this morning
and said that your wife has
gone into hospital to die."
(chuckles)
Then he said, "No, no.
So, she's gone into hospital
to die, not to die."
Um, and they both laughed
and that was that.
(chuckles)
(woman coughs)
And the funny thing was
that she'd gone in for an
ingrown toenail
and did in fact die during
the anesthetic.
(chuckles)
(blows)
- [Nurse] Mr. Fripp?
- Ah, nice talking to you.
You get some gloomy ones here,
Jo.
You'd think it was a morgue.
(chuckles)
- [Nurse] Mr. Fripp.
- Ah yes, Mr. Fripp.
My name's Dr. Davidson,
Dr. Dimoto's out today.
- Pleased to meet you, doc.
- Yes, this is Nurse Ganz,
I don't believe you
know her either.
- Not in the biblical sense, no.
(chuckles)
- You seem in very high
spirits today, Mr. Fripp.
- Oh, I am too.
I think I'm in line for
promotion at the old firm.
- I see, well this is
about the results
of your insurance
medical service, so.
- Yes.
- If you will lie down, Mr.
Fripp,
I'd like to have a look
at your chest.
- Hmmm, I bet you're not
the only one, right nurse?
(chuckles)
- Please, Mr. Fripp.
(inhales)
Yes, I think we need a little
more than that, Mr. Fripp.
(groans)
- Macho man.
- [Nurse] Oh, could you
breathe in, please Mr. Fripp?
- Oh.
(inhales)
(exhales)
I've, I've never really
been ill, you know.
I've been very lucky.
I used to have an aunt who
always was thought I was ill,
but mentally ill.
She thought I was a
mental deficient.
(chuckles)
She'd send my mother
prospectuses for
fashionable European
lunatic asylums.
And the ironic thing was
that she did actually end
up in a lunatic asylum,
and I'm perfectly all right.
(chuckles)
- Yes Mr. Fripp, I'm afraid I
do have some rather bad news.
- Ah, well it's been a
good day so far so,
sock it to me doc.
- Taking my findings today
in conjunction with the test
Dr. Dimoto took last week,
it's quite clear that you
have Hershing's disease.
- Oh.
Is that bad?
- Well, it is very advanced.
It's a disease that acts
very much like,
well, it's terminal.
(ominous music)
- In what sense?
- In the sense that I'd say
that you had less than 30
minutes to live.
(gasps)
(dramatic music)
(inaudible)
Hershing's disease is a
very rare disease.
Certainly the first time
I've come across it.
The chances of contracting it
are, well, one in a million.
(chuckles)
- Ah, that's interesting.
- I'm very sorry.
- It's not a good piece of news,
is it?
- Right, it's not very good.
- And you're quite sure?
- Cross my heart and hope--
(chuckles)
- Well, what sort of time
are we talking about, then?
- I think it should be
all over by about 10 to.
(chuckles)
- Oh, gracious me.
What am I going to do?
What, what?
- Well, perhaps you'd like
to sit in the waiting room.
We have some old
copies of Punch.
- No, no, I think I'll pop out
for a freth of bresh air.
Breath of fresh air.
After all, I've got a whole
life to live in 30 minutes.
- It's a little less than
that now, I think you'll find.
- [Fripp] Why, what time
do you make it?
- 3:25.
- Oh, 3:20, nurse.
- Right, 27 minutes.
No time to lose.
26 1/2 minutes, do
something, do something,
do everything.
Bye!
(frantic, energetic music)
Oh!
(yells)
- Mrs. White?
(door opens)
(phone rings)
- Um, excuse me.
My name's Bernard Fripp,
and I want to take out
all my money.
- Oh, well, if you could join
one of the queues at
the other till,
they'll go and phone
through to your branch.
- Oh no, wait, I haven't
got time to queue.
(door squeaks opens)
(thuds)
(grunts)
(distant typewriter keys clack)
Damn.
(phone rings)
- I'm sorry.
I want to check books.
- You want to check the books?
Are you an accountant?
- Of course not, he's a
bloody foreigner.
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry Mr.
Paripas,
but you only seem to
have a deposit account.
Now, we can't issue you
checkbooks on a deposit account.
- A deposit?
- That's right.
You have to have a
current account, current.
- Deposit?
- No, current.
- A deposit?
- No, current.
- [Paripas] No current?
- No, no, account.
Indeed, on no account
may you have a checkbook.
- Oh, ah, oh.
Oh damn!
- Bloody upset, it's the Black
Hole of Calcutta over again,
I tell you.
(typewriter keys clack)
- [Teller] Look, Mr. Paripas,
there's no money in
your account.
- You may be.
- [Teller] One pound
and 75 pence.
(door closes)
Opened at 10:30
yesterday morning.
(thuds)
And you have the same amount
at three in the afternoon.
- Come on, look, make
your mind up.
- We can both choose at
the same time, really.
(slaps)
- Greedy, aren't we?
- What was the weather like
when you arrived here?
Had Phoebus, fiery
ironmonger of the gods,
ridden his fiery chariot twixt
mossy bank and frothy welkin?
Or was it night?
Had Dame Lunar, saucy virgin
of the the nether regions,
lit her lamp horn bright?
- Right, I've finished now.
(typewriter keys clack)
- Oh no!
No wait, no wait, no.
(slams)
Oh.
Oh my god.
(grunts)
Oh look, look, I can't
die in a bank.
(chimes)
So, no one's gonna help me?
(phone rings)
Right, just gonna have
to bite my hand off.
(phone rings)
- Mr. Fripp, could you please
come to the inquiries desk
so we don't hold anyone else up?
Thank you very much.
(phone rings)
- At last, my money, my money.
- Now, if you could just
sign that receipt for us.
- All right.
Do you have a pen?
- No, I'm sorry, sir.
- Well, does anyone else
there have a pen?
- Has anyone got a pen, please?
No, I'm sorry.
- But the answer can't be no.
Look, I can't wait any longer.
Does anyone have a pen?
- Deposit?
- Look, a pen, someone surely.
Bloody bastards.
All right, I'm coming through.
There must be a pen
there somewhere.
- Oh, sir.
- [Fripp] For goodness sake.
(people arguing)
- Oh, Mr. Fripp, please.
(grunts)
- [Man] Can't do that, sir.
- Right then, shut up.
Shut up, all of you.
(typewriter keys clack)
What are you doing
with your lives
that's so damn important you
can't even find me a pen?
I mean, suppose you
died tomorrow.
Funnier things have happened.
I'm dying today, for example.
And St. Peter at the
pearly gates
asks you what you've done
with your lives.
And you say, "I've
worked in the bank
"at the corner of Gloucester
Street for 15 years,"
will he then say, "Oh, my son,
"you have exceeded my
expectations,
"step royally into the
house of heavenly peace."
Will he, hell?
He'll say, "You complete prick.
"What do you think I
gave you a brain for?"
- Uh, Mr. Fripp, we
found you a pen.
- I said shut up.
- Oh.
- I have spent my years
browsing through the hors
d'oeuvres of life's rich menu,
without ever really
choosing a starter.
And now, I've got 15
minutes left to live.
And my advice to you is
sod the starter,
and get straight down to
the main course.
Because in the great
restaurant of life,
death is no waiter.
He won't wait while you
pansy around the wine list,
he'll sling you out on
death's dark highway
before you can say Valpolicella.
(triumphant music)
Life is a sweet.
Suck it.
(gasps)
Life is a fast-food store.
Order a Whopper.
- A Whopper?
(frantic, energetic music)
(footsteps clomp)
(tumbles)
(metal scrapes)
(footsteps click)
Oh, now where am I going?
I've got 12 minutes left and
I'm at a bit of a loose end.
Oh.
(metal scrapes)
(thuds)
(airy, pleasant music)
Excuse me, you look like an
intelligent sort of fellow.
- Sorry?
- Forget it.
- It's rather fine.
- Yeah, I agree.
(men chatter)
(people chatter)
- Ah.
Look, you look like an
intelligent sort of fellow.
What would you do if you had
all the money in the world
and all the time in
which to spend it?
- Oh, an interesting question.
- Be quick, please.
- Oh, I suppose I'd try
and see all the great art.
- Ah.
- Read all the great books,
listen to all the great music,
sleep with a lot of expensive
women, that sort of thing.
(chuckles)
- And how long do you
think that would take?
- Yeah, I suppose a
good 10 years all told.
- Oh dear, I've only got
about 10 minutes.
Um, do you have any suggestions?
Do you know of any great
art in this area?
- Well, you could see some
reproductions of great paintings
at the poster shop just
a few blocks--
- Good idea!
Oh, good idea, yes, I'll do
that, thank you, thank you.
(airy, pleasant music)
Yes.
(frantic, energetic music)
- Oh.
(door shakes)
Oh no.
What?
You can't be out to lunch.
(knocks)
(knocks)
Is it?
(door opens)
I--
Oh.
Uh.
(paper rustles)
Have you got the Mona Lisa?
- No, not the real one,
mate, sold it yesterday.
- No, I mean a copy.
(weight falls)
- Yeah, it's in between the
Aborigine reading Playboy
and the tennis player with
no knickers on.
- Ah, right.
Oh.
What's meant to be so
good about it?
- I don't know.
I think it's made to be
something
to do the lips, I think.
- Hmmm.
Well, to be absolutely frank,
(poster falls)
I prefer blondes.
Thank you.
(frantic, energetic music)
That's you.
Um, I've just seen
the Mona Lisa.
Lovely, what else?
What else, books, music, women?
- Yeah, ah, yes.
Well, um.
- Uh.
- I say, you really are in a
bit of a hurry, aren't you?
Well.
- Yeah.
- You could try Covent
Garden Market,
there's a lot of
action down there.
- Oh, all those
tourists love it.
- I believe you can get pretty
well everything down there.
- Everything?
- Almost everything.
- Oh, sounds perfect, um.
Could you just shout some
directions as I go to save time?
- [Man] Um, say, go to the end.
- Fine.
- That's it.
The first left.
Ah no.
Right!
No, sorry, actually, sorry.
Straight across the road.
- All right, thank you.
- Then, right down that
very narrow alley.
(footsteps clomp)
Good, and,
right.
(frantic, energetic music)
No, left.
Yes, well, he should just
about be there by now.
(frantic, energetic
music intensifies)
(footsteps clomp)
- Do you have War and Peace,
please?
Excuse me, I'm looking for
a copy of War and Peace.
Fine.
(thumps)
- Can I help you?
- Yes, I'm looking for
War and Peace.
- Middle shelf on the left.
- Ah, right.
Right, War and Peace, War
and Peace, War and Peace,
War and Peace.
Oh no, I can't read this.
Ah, ha.
Oh, I see.
I see.
Yes, all right.
Hmm, typical.
Well, I could have
guessed as much.
Oh bugger!
Oh, I could have ordered
that, bloody frog.
Part two, damn.
Part two, Part two, Part two,
Part two,
Part two, Part two, Part two,
Part two.
Ha!
Serves him right.
(chuckles)
Oh dear.
Oh, oh good.
Oh hell.
Oh well, great, classic.
Thanks, thanks so much!
Uh.
Oh.
Uh.
(whimpers)
(kicks)
Bloody Russkies.
(footsteps clomp)
Ah.
(sniffs)
(exhales)
Hmm, not, not, not bad.
(thuds)
(footsteps clomp)
(punk rock music)
♪ Take on (mumbles)
♪ And don't ask your parents
♪ 'Cause they ain't
got too wear ♪
♪ He don't read the papers
♪ 'Cause you'll be
- Sorry, are you all right?
- What?
- I believe you were
having some kind of fit.
- Oh, no.
- All right, carry on, dude.
Excuse me.
- Hey man, wait your turn.
- Sorry, I'm very short of time.
I've only got seven
minutes to live.
- Okay.
- I, I just want a
piece of music.
It goes da-da-da, da
da, da da da da da da.
(chains jingle)
(groans)
(thuds)
- Come again?
- It goes something like
da-da-da,
da da, da da da da da da.
- Da, da, da, da.
- Da da da, da da.
Da daaa.
- [Cashier] Da, da, da, da, da.
Da, da da, da da da, da da.
- That's, that's the Adagio
in G minor by Albinoni.
- Ha!
- It's right over here.
♪ Da, da da, da da
♪ Da da da da da
- No, in the booth.
- Ah.
Oh.
If I die in there, this is
my work number.
("Adagio in G minor"
by Albinoni)
(emotional orchestral music)
(gasps)
(plastic squeaks)
Oh, this is ridiculous.
Look.
Go to a health farm
or something.
(bills rumple)
Now, women.
(frantic, energetic music)
(people chatter)
Reverend.
(yells)
Reverend, Reverend, Reverend!
(footsteps click)
Reverend.
Reverend.
Reverend.
Oh, oh, I'm sorry.
Reverend!
Reverend.
Wait.
Wait, Reverend.
- Yes?
- Uh.
Wait.
- I'm waiting.
- Um, I'd just like to
have a word or two with you
about Heaven and Hell.
The other place.
Um.
- Relax, now, relax.
- It's a question of
commandments, isn't it, really?
I mean have, I've never
committed adultery
with my neighbor's wife
or with my neighbor's ass,
for that matter.
I've always honored by father
and mother, off and on,
yes, I believe I lose a
few points on that, damn.
- Now look, wait, now, wait,
relax.
This is not just a question
of commandments, um.
- What?
- Um.
- Oh, Bernard.
- Bernard, it's not just a
question of the commandments.
Physically, actually, Bernard,
but the spirit of them.
- I see.
- Take the adultery one,
for instance.
Number six, no, seven, adultery,
yes.
The Lord said that
he who so much
as look upon a woman
with lust is also doomed.
- Hmm?
- You see, what he's saying is
that the sin of the thought,
the sin of the spirit is,
in actual fact,
as bad as the sin itself.
- Sorry?
- The sin of the spirit
is, in actual fact,
as bad as the sin itself.
- Yes, I'm not listening to you,
am I?
- Aren't you?
- No.
Um, but basically, what
you're saying is
that any self-respecting
man who isn't a homosexual
is doomed from the word go.
- Yes, that's right.
As, indeed, are homosexuals,
of course, Bernard.
- Ah yes, of course.
Great.
- All right.
- Thanks.
Thank you.
(grunts)
Sorry.
Madam, hey look, hey--
- Bernard.
- Yes?
Oh, hello.
- Hi.
How are you?
- What?
- How are you?
(chuckles)
- What a bloody stupid question.
Hup!
(frantic, energetic music)
(footsteps click)
(footsteps click)
Oh!
(inaudible)
(people chatter)
(fire roars)
(flute music)
(jovial Renaissance music)
(frantic, energetic music)
(tuba music)
(frantic, energetic music)
Oh god.
What have you got against me?
- Sir?
Hello, sir.
Sir, would you like to
experience another world?
- Sod off.
- All right, then.
- Oh God, of course I'm
gonna die and now I lose--
Oh, thanks!
(patrons chatter)
(relaxed music)
(woman squeaks)
(grunts)
(slides)
(thunks)
Oops.
Oh.
(mutters)
Do you mind if I have
a cigarette?
- No, no, go ahead.
- Well, thanks.
(matches shake)
(match lights)
(thuds)
(coughs)
Um, are you busy at the
moment or what?
- Sorry?
- Nothing, it's just that,
well, there's nothing really,
it's just that I'm dying
in about five minutes.
And as I was dying,
I was just wondering if
you fancied, um.
A bit of love or something.
- You're gonna die?
- Yep.
- How are you gonna die?
- Well, I don't know, really.
Just sort of stop breathing,
and what have you.
Um, nothing spectacular.
I'm not gonna fall on my
own sword or anything.
(laughs)
It's this, it's this thing
called Hershing's disease,
I don't know if you even
should know about it,
it's, um, it's worse than
terminal cancer.
- Worse than cancer?
Oh my god, you poor thing.
Oh my god.
Oh.
Oh.
- Oh great.
Look, please don't faint.
Look, you're doing a very
good impersonation of me
in five minutes time, do
you realize that?
Oh, why do women faint?
Excuse me, do you know
anything about women?
- Well, what happened?
- Well, she fainted.
- Shame on you.
- Oh thanks.
Right, come on.
Sorry, I must be off.
- I beg your pardon.
- Look, sorry, I must go,
I got to go and enjoy
myself, unfortunately.
- Wait a minute.
- I'd never met her before.
Complete stranger.
Foreigner, for all I know.
- Oh no, she's not.
I heard them talking
together in English.
You were trying to pick her up.
- I was--
- Disgusting.
- But I wasn't trying
to pick her up.
- At tea time?
Horrible.
- You don't leave here
till she's up.
- All right, come on, Dottie.
A joke's a joke.
(chuckles)
Come along, let's be having you.
Thanks for your help, everyone.
It's just a little joke
between ourselves.
Come on, Dottie.
Up you go, oh.
(grunts)
Oh, oh, you've put on some
weight, Dottie.
Great big fat thing.
(chuckles)
All right.
Bye, have to go, bye.
(footsteps click)
(door closes)
(footsteps click)
(birds twitter)
(church bells ring)
(footsteps click)
(frantic, energetic music)
Oh, god.
I've got three minutes to live.
Oh, three minutes.
What do you think of that?
Oh, not three decades,
not three years.
Not even three hours.
Two and 3/4 bloody minutes.
Bloody swizz is what I say.
(traffic hums)
I'm scared.
(airy, hopeful music)
God bless me.
- Are you all right?
- Oh.
Yes.
Yes I am, yes.
- I saw you in the shop
earlier today,
talking to a priest.
- Ah yes.
- But, are you in despair?
- Ah, yes.
Yes.
Yes, I suppose I am.
- Really?
- Well, you know how long
it takes to boil an egg,
if you like it quite runny?
- Three minutes.
- That's how long
I've got to live.
- Well, you must be joking.
- No, no I mean it.
I found out just now.
Doctor.
- That's impossible.
I used to be a nurse, and
I've never heard of anything
that kills you that quickly.
(engine revs)
What's the name of your doctor?
- Davidson, Dr. Davidson.
- In St. Martin's Court?
- Yes, that's right.
- Well, I can't believe it.
There must be some
kind of mistake.
Don't worry, I'll go and ring.
- Oh wait, don't go.
- But we've got to find
out what's going on.
- Ah yes, yes, I
supposed we have.
Uh, oh look, get to the point.
I wonder if--
- Shall I give you a
goodbye kiss,
just in case you don't last
it out 'til I get back?
- You took the words
right out of my mouth.
- Well, here.
(church bell rings)
- Well, goodness.
- I better go and
make that call.
I'm sure there's some mistake.
- Oh wait, wait a minute.
You know, I've always thought
that there were certain
things in life that,
that if I'd done them, I
wouldn't have minded dying.
Like, meeting Bing Crosby or,
or writing Strangers
in the Night.
Well, kissing you.
(spritzes)
Is up there with them.
- Thank you very much.
(wedding bells chime)
(fireworks explode)
I better go.
Name and address?
- My name is Bernard Fripp,
and I live at 37A Welkin Avenue.
(engine revs)
(dials)
(frantic, energetic music)
One minute to go.
Funny how time flies when
you're enjoying yourself.
(engine revs)
Look, here.
Um, uh.
Look, take this.
(phone rings)
(engine revs)
Buy your parents something
expensive for Christmas,
buy them a servant or something.
(frantic, energetic music)
All right, all right.
- Look Mom, the man gave
me some money!
- Oh, no.
Wait a minute, wait, what are
you doing, what are you doing?
- Going over there.
- Well, but you mustn't
just cross the road.
Don't you know the
Green Cross Code?
(frantic, energetic music)
(phone rings)
It's look left, look right,
then listen,
then look around,
and then cross.
- What?
- I'll show you.
(traffic buzzes)
- Mr. Fripp!
Mr. Fripp!
(claps)
It was a mistake.
- James!
- [Dr. Davidson] Mr. Fripp.
- Then (mumbles).
- [Dr. Davidson] Mr.
Fripp, it was a mistake.
- And then, then look around.
- [Dr. Davidson]
You're not well.
- And then look straight ahead.
- But you're going to
be all right.
- And then, and then, cross.
(engine revs)
(tires squeal)
(tires squeal)
(engine revs)
Bloody hell.
- James!
- Mummy!
- Dr. Davidson!
- Joanna!
- Come on, mate, off you go,
go on.
(engine revs)
- Mr. Fripp, Mr. Fripp.
- Yes?
- You're going to be all right.
- What?
(engine runs)
- One of the specimens
got mixed up.
(chuckles)
You're not well, but you're
going to be all right.
- What?
You mean?
I'm going to be all right?
- Yes.
(chuckles)
I don't believe it.
(laughs)
You know, I said to you,
when I came into your
surgery this afternoon,
I had a feeling it was
going to be a lucky day.
- What?
- I said.
(truck engine revs)
- No!
(brakes squeal)
(peppy electronic music)
(woman sniffs and coughs)
(coughs)
(newspaper page turns)
(woman coughs)
(newspaper page turns)
(newspaper thuds)
- Hmmm.
(exhales)
(spritzes)
(blows)
(coughs)
Hmm.
(inhales)
- You know, there's this
friend of my father's,
went to the hospital,
and, no, his wife, his wife,
that's it.
His wife went in hospital
and he went into work,
and, and when he got into
work he said to his secretary,
"My wife's gone into
hospital today,"
and, and she thought he said,
"My wife's gone into
hospital to die."
(chuckles)
(person coughs)
No, wait a minute.
This man is an Australian,
that's it.
This man's an Australian,
and, and he went into work,
and he said to his secretary
in an Australian accent,
you see,
he says, "My wife's,
my wife's
gone into hospital to die."
You see, to die.
He, he's Australian.
Anyway, later in the day,
oh, when he's leaving work,
um, his secretary says to him,
"I'm sorry to hear that
that your wife is dying."
And he says, "What do you mean?"
Or rather, "What do you mean?"
Because he's Australian
and and she says,
"Well, you came into
work this morning
and said that your wife has
gone into hospital to die."
(chuckles)
Then he said, "No, no.
So, she's gone into hospital
to die, not to die."
Um, and they both laughed
and that was that.
(chuckles)
(woman coughs)
And the funny thing was
that she'd gone in for an
ingrown toenail
and did in fact die during
the anesthetic.
(chuckles)
(blows)
- [Nurse] Mr. Fripp?
- Ah, nice talking to you.
You get some gloomy ones here,
Jo.
You'd think it was a morgue.
(chuckles)
- [Nurse] Mr. Fripp.
- Ah yes, Mr. Fripp.
My name's Dr. Davidson,
Dr. Dimoto's out today.
- Pleased to meet you, doc.
- Yes, this is Nurse Ganz,
I don't believe you
know her either.
- Not in the biblical sense, no.
(chuckles)
- You seem in very high
spirits today, Mr. Fripp.
- Oh, I am too.
I think I'm in line for
promotion at the old firm.
- I see, well this is
about the results
of your insurance
medical service, so.
- Yes.
- If you will lie down, Mr.
Fripp,
I'd like to have a look
at your chest.
- Hmmm, I bet you're not
the only one, right nurse?
(chuckles)
- Please, Mr. Fripp.
(inhales)
Yes, I think we need a little
more than that, Mr. Fripp.
(groans)
- Macho man.
- [Nurse] Oh, could you
breathe in, please Mr. Fripp?
- Oh.
(inhales)
(exhales)
I've, I've never really
been ill, you know.
I've been very lucky.
I used to have an aunt who
always was thought I was ill,
but mentally ill.
She thought I was a
mental deficient.
(chuckles)
She'd send my mother
prospectuses for
fashionable European
lunatic asylums.
And the ironic thing was
that she did actually end
up in a lunatic asylum,
and I'm perfectly all right.
(chuckles)
- Yes Mr. Fripp, I'm afraid I
do have some rather bad news.
- Ah, well it's been a
good day so far so,
sock it to me doc.
- Taking my findings today
in conjunction with the test
Dr. Dimoto took last week,
it's quite clear that you
have Hershing's disease.
- Oh.
Is that bad?
- Well, it is very advanced.
It's a disease that acts
very much like,
well, it's terminal.
(ominous music)
- In what sense?
- In the sense that I'd say
that you had less than 30
minutes to live.
(gasps)
(dramatic music)
(inaudible)
Hershing's disease is a
very rare disease.
Certainly the first time
I've come across it.
The chances of contracting it
are, well, one in a million.
(chuckles)
- Ah, that's interesting.
- I'm very sorry.
- It's not a good piece of news,
is it?
- Right, it's not very good.
- And you're quite sure?
- Cross my heart and hope--
(chuckles)
- Well, what sort of time
are we talking about, then?
- I think it should be
all over by about 10 to.
(chuckles)
- Oh, gracious me.
What am I going to do?
What, what?
- Well, perhaps you'd like
to sit in the waiting room.
We have some old
copies of Punch.
- No, no, I think I'll pop out
for a freth of bresh air.
Breath of fresh air.
After all, I've got a whole
life to live in 30 minutes.
- It's a little less than
that now, I think you'll find.
- [Fripp] Why, what time
do you make it?
- 3:25.
- Oh, 3:20, nurse.
- Right, 27 minutes.
No time to lose.
26 1/2 minutes, do
something, do something,
do everything.
Bye!
(frantic, energetic music)
Oh!
(yells)
- Mrs. White?
(door opens)
(phone rings)
- Um, excuse me.
My name's Bernard Fripp,
and I want to take out
all my money.
- Oh, well, if you could join
one of the queues at
the other till,
they'll go and phone
through to your branch.
- Oh no, wait, I haven't
got time to queue.
(door squeaks opens)
(thuds)
(grunts)
(distant typewriter keys clack)
Damn.
(phone rings)
- I'm sorry.
I want to check books.
- You want to check the books?
Are you an accountant?
- Of course not, he's a
bloody foreigner.
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry Mr.
Paripas,
but you only seem to
have a deposit account.
Now, we can't issue you
checkbooks on a deposit account.
- A deposit?
- That's right.
You have to have a
current account, current.
- Deposit?
- No, current.
- A deposit?
- No, current.
- [Paripas] No current?
- No, no, account.
Indeed, on no account
may you have a checkbook.
- Oh, ah, oh.
Oh damn!
- Bloody upset, it's the Black
Hole of Calcutta over again,
I tell you.
(typewriter keys clack)
- [Teller] Look, Mr. Paripas,
there's no money in
your account.
- You may be.
- [Teller] One pound
and 75 pence.
(door closes)
Opened at 10:30
yesterday morning.
(thuds)
And you have the same amount
at three in the afternoon.
- Come on, look, make
your mind up.
- We can both choose at
the same time, really.
(slaps)
- Greedy, aren't we?
- What was the weather like
when you arrived here?
Had Phoebus, fiery
ironmonger of the gods,
ridden his fiery chariot twixt
mossy bank and frothy welkin?
Or was it night?
Had Dame Lunar, saucy virgin
of the the nether regions,
lit her lamp horn bright?
- Right, I've finished now.
(typewriter keys clack)
- Oh no!
No wait, no wait, no.
(slams)
Oh.
Oh my god.
(grunts)
Oh look, look, I can't
die in a bank.
(chimes)
So, no one's gonna help me?
(phone rings)
Right, just gonna have
to bite my hand off.
(phone rings)
- Mr. Fripp, could you please
come to the inquiries desk
so we don't hold anyone else up?
Thank you very much.
(phone rings)
- At last, my money, my money.
- Now, if you could just
sign that receipt for us.
- All right.
Do you have a pen?
- No, I'm sorry, sir.
- Well, does anyone else
there have a pen?
- Has anyone got a pen, please?
No, I'm sorry.
- But the answer can't be no.
Look, I can't wait any longer.
Does anyone have a pen?
- Deposit?
- Look, a pen, someone surely.
Bloody bastards.
All right, I'm coming through.
There must be a pen
there somewhere.
- Oh, sir.
- [Fripp] For goodness sake.
(people arguing)
- Oh, Mr. Fripp, please.
(grunts)
- [Man] Can't do that, sir.
- Right then, shut up.
Shut up, all of you.
(typewriter keys clack)
What are you doing
with your lives
that's so damn important you
can't even find me a pen?
I mean, suppose you
died tomorrow.
Funnier things have happened.
I'm dying today, for example.
And St. Peter at the
pearly gates
asks you what you've done
with your lives.
And you say, "I've
worked in the bank
"at the corner of Gloucester
Street for 15 years,"
will he then say, "Oh, my son,
"you have exceeded my
expectations,
"step royally into the
house of heavenly peace."
Will he, hell?
He'll say, "You complete prick.
"What do you think I
gave you a brain for?"
- Uh, Mr. Fripp, we
found you a pen.
- I said shut up.
- Oh.
- I have spent my years
browsing through the hors
d'oeuvres of life's rich menu,
without ever really
choosing a starter.
And now, I've got 15
minutes left to live.
And my advice to you is
sod the starter,
and get straight down to
the main course.
Because in the great
restaurant of life,
death is no waiter.
He won't wait while you
pansy around the wine list,
he'll sling you out on
death's dark highway
before you can say Valpolicella.
(triumphant music)
Life is a sweet.
Suck it.
(gasps)
Life is a fast-food store.
Order a Whopper.
- A Whopper?
(frantic, energetic music)
(footsteps clomp)
(tumbles)
(metal scrapes)
(footsteps click)
Oh, now where am I going?
I've got 12 minutes left and
I'm at a bit of a loose end.
Oh.
(metal scrapes)
(thuds)
(airy, pleasant music)
Excuse me, you look like an
intelligent sort of fellow.
- Sorry?
- Forget it.
- It's rather fine.
- Yeah, I agree.
(men chatter)
(people chatter)
- Ah.
Look, you look like an
intelligent sort of fellow.
What would you do if you had
all the money in the world
and all the time in
which to spend it?
- Oh, an interesting question.
- Be quick, please.
- Oh, I suppose I'd try
and see all the great art.
- Ah.
- Read all the great books,
listen to all the great music,
sleep with a lot of expensive
women, that sort of thing.
(chuckles)
- And how long do you
think that would take?
- Yeah, I suppose a
good 10 years all told.
- Oh dear, I've only got
about 10 minutes.
Um, do you have any suggestions?
Do you know of any great
art in this area?
- Well, you could see some
reproductions of great paintings
at the poster shop just
a few blocks--
- Good idea!
Oh, good idea, yes, I'll do
that, thank you, thank you.
(airy, pleasant music)
Yes.
(frantic, energetic music)
- Oh.
(door shakes)
Oh no.
What?
You can't be out to lunch.
(knocks)
(knocks)
Is it?
(door opens)
I--
Oh.
Uh.
(paper rustles)
Have you got the Mona Lisa?
- No, not the real one,
mate, sold it yesterday.
- No, I mean a copy.
(weight falls)
- Yeah, it's in between the
Aborigine reading Playboy
and the tennis player with
no knickers on.
- Ah, right.
Oh.
What's meant to be so
good about it?
- I don't know.
I think it's made to be
something
to do the lips, I think.
- Hmmm.
Well, to be absolutely frank,
(poster falls)
I prefer blondes.
Thank you.
(frantic, energetic music)
That's you.
Um, I've just seen
the Mona Lisa.
Lovely, what else?
What else, books, music, women?
- Yeah, ah, yes.
Well, um.
- Uh.
- I say, you really are in a
bit of a hurry, aren't you?
Well.
- Yeah.
- You could try Covent
Garden Market,
there's a lot of
action down there.
- Oh, all those
tourists love it.
- I believe you can get pretty
well everything down there.
- Everything?
- Almost everything.
- Oh, sounds perfect, um.
Could you just shout some
directions as I go to save time?
- [Man] Um, say, go to the end.
- Fine.
- That's it.
The first left.
Ah no.
Right!
No, sorry, actually, sorry.
Straight across the road.
- All right, thank you.
- Then, right down that
very narrow alley.
(footsteps clomp)
Good, and,
right.
(frantic, energetic music)
No, left.
Yes, well, he should just
about be there by now.
(frantic, energetic
music intensifies)
(footsteps clomp)
- Do you have War and Peace,
please?
Excuse me, I'm looking for
a copy of War and Peace.
Fine.
(thumps)
- Can I help you?
- Yes, I'm looking for
War and Peace.
- Middle shelf on the left.
- Ah, right.
Right, War and Peace, War
and Peace, War and Peace,
War and Peace.
Oh no, I can't read this.
Ah, ha.
Oh, I see.
I see.
Yes, all right.
Hmm, typical.
Well, I could have
guessed as much.
Oh bugger!
Oh, I could have ordered
that, bloody frog.
Part two, damn.
Part two, Part two, Part two,
Part two,
Part two, Part two, Part two,
Part two.
Ha!
Serves him right.
(chuckles)
Oh dear.
Oh, oh good.
Oh hell.
Oh well, great, classic.
Thanks, thanks so much!
Uh.
Oh.
Uh.
(whimpers)
(kicks)
Bloody Russkies.
(footsteps clomp)
Ah.
(sniffs)
(exhales)
Hmm, not, not, not bad.
(thuds)
(footsteps clomp)
(punk rock music)
♪ Take on (mumbles)
♪ And don't ask your parents
♪ 'Cause they ain't
got too wear ♪
♪ He don't read the papers
♪ 'Cause you'll be
- Sorry, are you all right?
- What?
- I believe you were
having some kind of fit.
- Oh, no.
- All right, carry on, dude.
Excuse me.
- Hey man, wait your turn.
- Sorry, I'm very short of time.
I've only got seven
minutes to live.
- Okay.
- I, I just want a
piece of music.
It goes da-da-da, da
da, da da da da da da.
(chains jingle)
(groans)
(thuds)
- Come again?
- It goes something like
da-da-da,
da da, da da da da da da.
- Da, da, da, da.
- Da da da, da da.
Da daaa.
- [Cashier] Da, da, da, da, da.
Da, da da, da da da, da da.
- That's, that's the Adagio
in G minor by Albinoni.
- Ha!
- It's right over here.
♪ Da, da da, da da
♪ Da da da da da
- No, in the booth.
- Ah.
Oh.
If I die in there, this is
my work number.
("Adagio in G minor"
by Albinoni)
(emotional orchestral music)
(gasps)
(plastic squeaks)
Oh, this is ridiculous.
Look.
Go to a health farm
or something.
(bills rumple)
Now, women.
(frantic, energetic music)
(people chatter)
Reverend.
(yells)
Reverend, Reverend, Reverend!
(footsteps click)
Reverend.
Reverend.
Reverend.
Oh, oh, I'm sorry.
Reverend!
Reverend.
Wait.
Wait, Reverend.
- Yes?
- Uh.
Wait.
- I'm waiting.
- Um, I'd just like to
have a word or two with you
about Heaven and Hell.
The other place.
Um.
- Relax, now, relax.
- It's a question of
commandments, isn't it, really?
I mean have, I've never
committed adultery
with my neighbor's wife
or with my neighbor's ass,
for that matter.
I've always honored by father
and mother, off and on,
yes, I believe I lose a
few points on that, damn.
- Now look, wait, now, wait,
relax.
This is not just a question
of commandments, um.
- What?
- Um.
- Oh, Bernard.
- Bernard, it's not just a
question of the commandments.
Physically, actually, Bernard,
but the spirit of them.
- I see.
- Take the adultery one,
for instance.
Number six, no, seven, adultery,
yes.
The Lord said that
he who so much
as look upon a woman
with lust is also doomed.
- Hmm?
- You see, what he's saying is
that the sin of the thought,
the sin of the spirit is,
in actual fact,
as bad as the sin itself.
- Sorry?
- The sin of the spirit
is, in actual fact,
as bad as the sin itself.
- Yes, I'm not listening to you,
am I?
- Aren't you?
- No.
Um, but basically, what
you're saying is
that any self-respecting
man who isn't a homosexual
is doomed from the word go.
- Yes, that's right.
As, indeed, are homosexuals,
of course, Bernard.
- Ah yes, of course.
Great.
- All right.
- Thanks.
Thank you.
(grunts)
Sorry.
Madam, hey look, hey--
- Bernard.
- Yes?
Oh, hello.
- Hi.
How are you?
- What?
- How are you?
(chuckles)
- What a bloody stupid question.
Hup!
(frantic, energetic music)
(footsteps click)
(footsteps click)
Oh!
(inaudible)
(people chatter)
(fire roars)
(flute music)
(jovial Renaissance music)
(frantic, energetic music)
(tuba music)
(frantic, energetic music)
Oh god.
What have you got against me?
- Sir?
Hello, sir.
Sir, would you like to
experience another world?
- Sod off.
- All right, then.
- Oh God, of course I'm
gonna die and now I lose--
Oh, thanks!
(patrons chatter)
(relaxed music)
(woman squeaks)
(grunts)
(slides)
(thunks)
Oops.
Oh.
(mutters)
Do you mind if I have
a cigarette?
- No, no, go ahead.
- Well, thanks.
(matches shake)
(match lights)
(thuds)
(coughs)
Um, are you busy at the
moment or what?
- Sorry?
- Nothing, it's just that,
well, there's nothing really,
it's just that I'm dying
in about five minutes.
And as I was dying,
I was just wondering if
you fancied, um.
A bit of love or something.
- You're gonna die?
- Yep.
- How are you gonna die?
- Well, I don't know, really.
Just sort of stop breathing,
and what have you.
Um, nothing spectacular.
I'm not gonna fall on my
own sword or anything.
(laughs)
It's this, it's this thing
called Hershing's disease,
I don't know if you even
should know about it,
it's, um, it's worse than
terminal cancer.
- Worse than cancer?
Oh my god, you poor thing.
Oh my god.
Oh.
Oh.
- Oh great.
Look, please don't faint.
Look, you're doing a very
good impersonation of me
in five minutes time, do
you realize that?
Oh, why do women faint?
Excuse me, do you know
anything about women?
- Well, what happened?
- Well, she fainted.
- Shame on you.
- Oh thanks.
Right, come on.
Sorry, I must be off.
- I beg your pardon.
- Look, sorry, I must go,
I got to go and enjoy
myself, unfortunately.
- Wait a minute.
- I'd never met her before.
Complete stranger.
Foreigner, for all I know.
- Oh no, she's not.
I heard them talking
together in English.
You were trying to pick her up.
- I was--
- Disgusting.
- But I wasn't trying
to pick her up.
- At tea time?
Horrible.
- You don't leave here
till she's up.
- All right, come on, Dottie.
A joke's a joke.
(chuckles)
Come along, let's be having you.
Thanks for your help, everyone.
It's just a little joke
between ourselves.
Come on, Dottie.
Up you go, oh.
(grunts)
Oh, oh, you've put on some
weight, Dottie.
Great big fat thing.
(chuckles)
All right.
Bye, have to go, bye.
(footsteps click)
(door closes)
(footsteps click)
(birds twitter)
(church bells ring)
(footsteps click)
(frantic, energetic music)
Oh, god.
I've got three minutes to live.
Oh, three minutes.
What do you think of that?
Oh, not three decades,
not three years.
Not even three hours.
Two and 3/4 bloody minutes.
Bloody swizz is what I say.
(traffic hums)
I'm scared.
(airy, hopeful music)
God bless me.
- Are you all right?
- Oh.
Yes.
Yes I am, yes.
- I saw you in the shop
earlier today,
talking to a priest.
- Ah yes.
- But, are you in despair?
- Ah, yes.
Yes.
Yes, I suppose I am.
- Really?
- Well, you know how long
it takes to boil an egg,
if you like it quite runny?
- Three minutes.
- That's how long
I've got to live.
- Well, you must be joking.
- No, no I mean it.
I found out just now.
Doctor.
- That's impossible.
I used to be a nurse, and
I've never heard of anything
that kills you that quickly.
(engine revs)
What's the name of your doctor?
- Davidson, Dr. Davidson.
- In St. Martin's Court?
- Yes, that's right.
- Well, I can't believe it.
There must be some
kind of mistake.
Don't worry, I'll go and ring.
- Oh wait, don't go.
- But we've got to find
out what's going on.
- Ah yes, yes, I
supposed we have.
Uh, oh look, get to the point.
I wonder if--
- Shall I give you a
goodbye kiss,
just in case you don't last
it out 'til I get back?
- You took the words
right out of my mouth.
- Well, here.
(church bell rings)
- Well, goodness.
- I better go and
make that call.
I'm sure there's some mistake.
- Oh wait, wait a minute.
You know, I've always thought
that there were certain
things in life that,
that if I'd done them, I
wouldn't have minded dying.
Like, meeting Bing Crosby or,
or writing Strangers
in the Night.
Well, kissing you.
(spritzes)
Is up there with them.
- Thank you very much.
(wedding bells chime)
(fireworks explode)
I better go.
Name and address?
- My name is Bernard Fripp,
and I live at 37A Welkin Avenue.
(engine revs)
(dials)
(frantic, energetic music)
One minute to go.
Funny how time flies when
you're enjoying yourself.
(engine revs)
Look, here.
Um, uh.
Look, take this.
(phone rings)
(engine revs)
Buy your parents something
expensive for Christmas,
buy them a servant or something.
(frantic, energetic music)
All right, all right.
- Look Mom, the man gave
me some money!
- Oh, no.
Wait a minute, wait, what are
you doing, what are you doing?
- Going over there.
- Well, but you mustn't
just cross the road.
Don't you know the
Green Cross Code?
(frantic, energetic music)
(phone rings)
It's look left, look right,
then listen,
then look around,
and then cross.
- What?
- I'll show you.
(traffic buzzes)
- Mr. Fripp!
Mr. Fripp!
(claps)
It was a mistake.
- James!
- [Dr. Davidson] Mr. Fripp.
- Then (mumbles).
- [Dr. Davidson] Mr.
Fripp, it was a mistake.
- And then, then look around.
- [Dr. Davidson]
You're not well.
- And then look straight ahead.
- But you're going to
be all right.
- And then, and then, cross.
(engine revs)
(tires squeal)
(tires squeal)
(engine revs)
Bloody hell.
- James!
- Mummy!
- Dr. Davidson!
- Joanna!
- Come on, mate, off you go,
go on.
(engine revs)
- Mr. Fripp, Mr. Fripp.
- Yes?
- You're going to be all right.
- What?
(engine runs)
- One of the specimens
got mixed up.
(chuckles)
You're not well, but you're
going to be all right.
- What?
You mean?
I'm going to be all right?
- Yes.
(chuckles)
I don't believe it.
(laughs)
You know, I said to you,
when I came into your
surgery this afternoon,
I had a feeling it was
going to be a lucky day.
- What?
- I said.
(truck engine revs)
- No!
(brakes squeal)
(peppy electronic music)