Dead Man on Campus (1998) Movie Script

Marilyn manson's

"Golden years" playing

♪ golden years ♪

♪ gold ♪

♪ whop whop whop ♪

♪ don't let me hear

You say ♪

♪ life's taking you

Nowhere ♪

♪ angel ♪

♪ come, get up, my baby ♪

♪ look at the sky,

Life's begun ♪

♪ the nights are warm,

And the days are young ♪

♪ come, get up, my baby ♪

♪ there's my baby,

Lost, that's all ♪

♪ once I'm beggin' you ♪

♪ save her little soul ♪

♪ golden years ♪

♪ gold ♪

♪ whop whop whop ♪

♪ come, get up, my baby ♪

♪ last night,

They loved you ♪

♪ opening doors

And pulling some strings ♪

♪ angel ♪

♪ come, get up, my baby ♪

♪ in walked luck,

And you looked in time ♪

♪ never look back ♪

♪ walk tall, act fine ♪

♪ come, get up, my baby ♪

♪ I'll stick

With you, baby ♪

♪ for a thousand years ♪

♪ nothing's

Gonna touch you ♪

♪ in these golden years ♪

♪ golden years ♪

♪ gold ♪

♪ whop whop whop ♪

♪ come, get up, my baby ♪

♪ run for the shadows ♪

♪ in these golden years ♪

♪ some of these days,

And it won't be long ♪

♪ gonna drive back down

Where you once belonged ♪

♪ in the back of

A dream car, 20-foot long ♪

♪ don't cry, my sweet,

Don't break my heart ♪

♪ doin' all right,

But you gotta get smart ♪

♪ wish upon wish

Upon day upon day ♪

♪ I believe, o lord ♪

♪ I believe

All the way ♪

♪ look at my baby,

Lost, that's all ♪

♪ once I'm beggin' you ♪

♪ save her little soul ♪

Don't lose it.

♪ Get up, my baby ♪

♪ run for the shadows ♪

♪ in these golden years ♪

♪ come, get up, my baby ♪

Your work study is

In the housing office.

6-year medical program--

Biology,

Organic chemistry--

Full academic

Scholarship?

Yeah. I want to keep focused

On my career track.

Ok, but this is

A lot of credits.

Be sure you don't

Fall behind.

I think I can handle it.

♪ I'll stick

With you, baby ♪

♪ for a thousand years ♪

♪ nothing's

Gonna touch you ♪

♪ in these golden years ♪

[dance music playing]

Boy: Mom, look,

I don't know What to tell you.

Dudes.

It didn't go as far

As I thought.

Stop!

Hi.

Hey.

[Different music playing]

Boy: Why are you going Through my stuff?

Ma, why are you putting

The flannel sheets on?

It's september. You want

Me to sweat my ass off?

[Music stops]

[hammering]

What do you want?

You must be

One of my roommates.

I'm josh.

The single's mine.

I called it.

That seems fair.

[Students chattering]

I don't have time

To cook for myself.

Girl: Hey,

do you want to sit On this other side?

Oh, sorry.

Girl: So, anyway... God,

I'm starving.

Girl:

Me, too.

Girl: He lets you out Early every class.

Girl: really?

Mm-hmm.

Boy:

I'm going to sign up for that.

[Bong bubbling]

[person inhales]

Huh?

Hola.

What are you doing?

Oh. Hey,

You must be josh.

Listen, I'm sorry--

[man inhales]

Are you guys

Getting stoned again?

Man! That is classic!

Take these. We would've

Been here sooner,

But these guys kept

Stopping off for snacks.

Hey, cooper,

You were the one

Who had the munchies.

Ha ha ha ha!

We should've never have

Gotten high in boston!

Oh, man, that was great.

Man:

Light up another one, man.

Ohh. Yeah. Hmm.

Josh... Where do you think

We should put the bong?

In the closet?

No. This is

A showcase bong.

Take a look at it, huh?

Hey, do you want

A hit?

Uh... No.

I just brushed my teeth.

Josh, you're not going

To bed, are you?

Actually, yeah. I got

To get up early tomorrow.

Shit. I just met

These people downstairs,

And I told them to come up

For a few drinks.

But you know what?

They're right outside.

I'll get rid of them.

No, no, it's ok.

Really? Are you sure? Because

I can tell them to get lost.

No. It's cool. I--

Let me put on

Some pants.

All right.

Hey, guys, come on in.

Hey, this is josh.

This is my new roommate.

Josh, say hello, huh?

What's going on, guys?

How you doing? All right?

Good to see you again.

[Rock music playing]

Who wants some drinks?

Boy:

Pass these out.

What's going on?

Over there, guys. Over there.

Yeah.

This is a party.

Show me the muff.

Pass those out.

There you go.

Boy:

All right.

Boy:

What the fuck?

Turn that shit off!

[Turns off music]

Hey, buddy.

You must be kyle.

I'm cooper.

I'm not your buddy...

Buddy.

Ok.

Oh, look at that.

I see you like girls.

You must be the product

Of an all boys school.

Catholic

All boys school.

Cath--holy mary,

Mother of god.

You're so horny

You've turned mean.

You keep that music off,

Asshole,

Or I'm going to bash

Your fucking head in!

Kyle, kyle, kyle.

[Laughs]

You're being an asshole.

Now, you go around

Bashing people's heads in,

Girls aren't going

To think you're cool.

They're going to think

You're a steroid freak

With a pixie dick

And an ass for a brain.

Really?

Heh heh.

Everybody, this is kyle.

Give him a beer. Come on,

Let's start the music.

Let's go. Let's get

This party started, huh?

All right, where were we?

Martinis, huh?

All right.

Incoming.

Hey. Hey, I'm pickle.

I just thought you could

Use these things.

Oh, your name's

Pickle, huh?

What'd you do, knock off

An appliance store?

I had some stuff

Shipped here.

It kind of reminds me

Of home, you know?

That blender

Reminds you of home?

Oh, yeah.

Definitely.

[Laughs]

Martinis!

What is that?

That's a math award.

Looks like a dildo.

Hey, zeke, look.

It's a dildo.

Boy:

Hey, watch the corners.

Hey, hey, hey,

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey.

Hey...

Here's your dildo.

Thanks.

Ohh.

So, josh...

Tell me about yourself.

I don't know.

Uh... I'm from indiana,

And I'm in the 6-year

Medical program.

So you, like, studied

In high school?

Wow, that's cool.

You know, I had a couple

Of friends who did that.

Oh, yeah?

So, let's get a drink.

Oh, she's nice.

Good choice. Go talk to her.

I don't think so.

Why? What are you going to do?

Sit in bed until she goes

Home with somebody else?

Yeah.

I'm in my underwear.

So what? Josh, you don't

Need to get dressed.

You know what?

I'll bring her over.

No, no, no.

What?

Do you want me to go

Get you some pants?

Yeah. Would you?

Ahh.

That's rachel gilmore.

She's from new york, and

She likes creative writing.

How'd you know that?

Freshman face book.

I'm just, like, ptoof!

Jacking off to that thing

For, like, 3 weeks.

[Snorts]

Oh.

This is my brother's

Ritalin.

Ritalin's good for studying

Math or science.

Just don't try to write

English papers on it,

Because it won't make

Any sense. Enjoy that.

This is my mom's

Diet pills--

Lovely for pulling all-nighters

And foreign languages.

♪ Move aside,

Let the man go through ♪

Girl:

Hey, jennifer, come here.

[Exhales]

Nice cross.

Thanks.

Are you catholic?

Yeah. I went to sacred heart

School for girls.

I love you.

Why, hello, ladies.

We haven't met.

I'm cooper.

This is josh.

Hi.

Do you guys

Go to daleman?

It's their room, lucy.

Yeah?

I'm lucy, and these are

My homegirls.

Right, kristin?

Isn't that what they say

Where you're from?

What do you mean,

"Where I'm from"?

Oh, you know,

The 'hood.

Lucy, we need to have

A little talk.

Ahem. Well, talk.

Uh, hey, um...

Hi.

You must be rachel.

Yeah, yeah.

How did you know?

Oh, it's

In the face book.

Oh, you memorized

The face book?

No. My roommate did.

He was

Jack--a-lackin'...

He was jack-a-lackin'

Around to it.

He was what?

Um... Heh heh heh.

Never mind.

Rachel, come on.

Uh, just a second.

I got to go. Um...

So, I'll see you

Around maybe.

Oh, yeah. No, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. No.

I mean, yeah. Yes.

I'll see each other

Around.

Ok. Ha ha! All right.

So, bye.

Rachel.

Josh.

Bye.

[Sighs]

Oh, yeah,

That was smooth.

You'll have to give us

Some pointers.

You're the shit, man.

[Laughs]

[alarm buzzing]

[alarm stops]

Cooper?

My arm's asleep.

Ow!

Ohh! Oh, my god,

Are you ok?

Hey, josh.

Hi.

Ohh.

Sorry.

This is not high school

Biology, ok, people?

We won't be bringing in ferns

For show and tell.

If you bring in chocolate,

Then we are in business.

It is imperative you do

The required reading,

Or you shall be lost.

It is imperative

You hang on my every word,

Or you shall be lost.

It is imperative

You buy my book,

Organic chemistry--

The impossible discipline

By s.F. Collins,

Who is I,

Or you shall be so lost,

You'll never be found again.

♪ And do it again ♪

This is the first class,

Isn't it?

This is an advanced

Anatomy lab.

We will be spending

The majority of our time

Dissecting

A human cadaver.

Say hello to bob.

[Gasps]

Let's open bob up,

Shall we?

Your job

At the housing office

Is to process housing

Transfer requests.

Don't answer the phone.

Don't study at work.

Don't annoy me.

That's it.

Cooper:

Josh.

Help.

I need water.

Cooper:

Uhh. Water.

Josh...

Water.

Uhh.

Swallow, swallow.

Ahh.

So, kind of a late night

Last night, huh?

Oh. Pammy.

I thought I dreamt her.

Isn't college great?

This can't be

The right answer.

There are too many

Variables in this equation.

Hey, josh,

Do you have it?

Uh...

Yeah. Negative 4.

[Students giggle]

Well, that would be

Correct, josh,

If we were still

On binomials.

[Laughter]

I got to clean my bong,

'cause I can't mix

The kind with the shwag.

Where's my pipe cleaner?

I don't know.

I'm studying.

Well, josh, I think it's time

For a study break.

No, thank you, really.

Oh! Oh!

Oh, man.

Sorry. Sorry. Here.

Hey, that's my sweater.

What? Look,

I'm picking it up.

Oh, man.

Now everything smells

Like bong water.

Hey.

I'm just going to pack

Up some of my things,

Because I'm going to be

Staying at kelly's place

For a while.

Is it cool if I use

Your room for bonging?

No! It's not cool.

While I'm gone, don't

Fuck with my stuff!

Easy, killer.

Remember what I told you?

Yeah.

Don't fuck with

My stuff... Please.

[Laughs]

[loud scratching]

Look, cooper, could you

Do that someplace else?

Listen, I'm here on

An academic scholarship,

And I'm serious when

I say I got to study.

And I can't do it when

You're distracting me.

[Scratches]

You know what?

I'm serious when I tell you

I need to clean my bong,

And I can't do it with you

Chewing me out every 2 seconds.

I'm going

In pickle's room,

In case you want

To catch a beer later.

[Machine beeps]

Hey, josh,

How's it going?

Oh, man, I got a long

Night ahead of me.

How you doing?

Oh, I'm all right.

I got a rash on my balls.

Hey.

[Playing video game]

Look... I know

We're different,

But we just got

To figure out a way

That we can

Share the room,

And then I can study,

And you can do whatever

The hell it is that you do.

Right. Yeah.

I mean, that's cool.

Cooper:

Ohh. Ohh.

Oh, really?

Mmm. Take this off.

Mmm. Mmm, mmm.

Oh, yeah.

Take this off.

Take it off.

I want to take yours off.

Take it off.

You take yours off

Under the sheets.

Oh, yes.

Oh!

Be gentle.

It's my first time.

Pull on my lobes

When you do that.

Oh, you have

Great instincts.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

What about

Your roommate?

Oh, don't worry.

He likes to watch.

Oh.

Well, josh, so nice

Of you to join us.

I'm sorry. I...

M--

Sorry.

No, mom,

The work is fine.

I'm a little nervous,

Because midterms

Are in 3 weeks.

Mom:

Uh-huh.

But, yeah,

Everything's great.

Are you sure, honey?

Yeah. Really. Super.

Can you hold on a second?

Hello?

Cooper:

Josh, it's me.

Listen, I'm heading over

To the lucky peach,

And there's 3 girls

Waiting for me,

But I can't think of

Any girlie things to say,

So I need some backup.

Don't say no.

No, cooper.

If I was some boring

Old professor,

You wouldn't say no.

Out.

You're a pawn, josh.

Stick it to the man.

The revolution

Will not be televised.

Bye.

Hi, mom?

Yeah, that was cooper,

And he said that

He wanted me to meet him

At the library,

So...

I'll talk to you

Later, ok?

Mom:

All right. I love you.

Ok. I love you, too.

Bye.

I never doubted you

For a second.

One drink.

Then I got to get back.

Then you got to get back.

Ok.

Now, try to be

Charming, josh.

And don't talk about

Studying,

Because, believe me,

It's a turnoff.

[Rock music playing]

Yep. This is a bar.

Cooper, I got to go.

No, no, no,

I should be headed back.

Hey, josh. Hey.

Hey.

Where have you guys been?

We've been getting drunk

Without you.

Come on.

You were right.

We really should head back.

No. I changed my mind.

Hey, cooper!

Cooper...

We finished the pitcher.

We need more beer.

So, how's

Everything going?

What, with me?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, awesome.

Yeah. Yeah.

If I didn't have

All this hellish work

Every friggin' second--

I should be home.

No. I know, I know.

I should be home

Working on my story

For my writing class, so...

Here you go.

Uh-huh.

Are you one of them

Daleman kids?

No, no. I'm a townie.

Yeah, I work at the

Refinery, factory, mill.

What's that

On your shirt?

What?

Let's see an I.D.

There you go.

It's a bullshit I.D.

You know what?

You're right.

This is not my real I.D.

This is my real one.

"Dr. Mohammed rashid"?

How about this one?

This one?

Nah. No, no.

This one? This one?

Just take your beer.

Take your beer.

It's for the guys

At the mill.

Yeah.

So, what's

Your story about?

It's about this girl,

And she's from new york,

Kind of like me,

And she has a crush on this guy

Who goes to her school.

He's kind of bumbling,

Kind of shy, but, um...

She can tell there's

A lot more going on...

Up here. Ha ha. Ha.

He's from indiana.

Really?

I'm from indiana.

Ok.

Uh, all right, forget it.

Let me start over.

[Kristin clears throat]

Shut up.

There's a girl

Who likes a guy.

Do you have any idea

What I'm talking about?

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ come down,

Why don't you come over ♪

♪ why don't you come down ♪

Josh: how do you do it?

Cooper: what?

You haven't been to a single

Class since you got here.

Come on, josh,

Who cares?

I get it.

You're

A millionaire.

You probably got a family

Business to go into.

You know what my dad

Does for a living?

He cleans toilets.

Come on.

Ah, he owns this major

Toilet-cleaning company.

It's big.

It's huge, actually.

And he is an incredible...

Asshole.

[Laughs]

I like to call him flushles,

The toilet-cleaning clown.

Heh heh heh.

He loves that.

You think I'm gonna spend

The rest of my life

Cleaning toilets?

So, what are you

Gonna do?

I don't know, you know?

Everyone's so obsessed

With the future. Who cares?

We should be

Thinking about now,

And right now

We should be having fun.

Well, fun is

A dead end, cooper.

I mean, the guys who had

Fun in my high school

Are working

In bowling alleys

And drinking paint

Thinner on the weekends.

I got to stay on track.

Ok, josh,

But you're missing out,

Because college is

Our last chance to go crazy.

[Vomiting]

[coughing]

Cooper:

Yes!

She shoots!

She scores!

Does anyone have

A breath mint?

Rachel:

Hey.

Kristin:

Hey, guys.

So, um,

I'm gonna walk back.

Um, do you wanna

Walk with me?

Yeah.

Yeah?

Of course.

Great.

Bye.

Ha. That was fun.

I'm glad you came.

You know... You know.

♪ I don't know what it is

That makes me love you so ♪

Well... Good night.

♪ I only know I never

Wanna let you go ♪

It's this way.

♪ 'Cause you

Started something ♪

♪ oh, can't you see ♪

♪ that ever since we met

You've had a hold on me ♪

It's this way.

♪ It happens to be true ♪

This is

A really nice room.

♪ I only wanna

Be with you ♪

I probably should, uh--

Josh.

♪ No matter,

No matter what you do ♪

Rachel:

It's this way.

♪ I only wanna

Be with you ♪

Oh, good morning.

Hi, josh.

2, 3...

4, 5...

Young man. Where

Have you been?

Do you know I was up

All night worried sick?

Do you know

What time it is?

I love college.

I love everything

About it.

The people...

The freedom...

This room...

This chair.

Look at this chair.

You had sex last night,

Didn't you?

That's a nice shirt.

Yeah.

It was so easy, cooper.

I didn't have

To do anything...

To make it happen.

It was just like...

Time for sex.

We're gonna have sex now.

Prepare for sex.

And then we spent

All night talking.

Jesus. You even

Talked, too?

She says I have

Soulful eyes.

Oh, yeah,

You really do.

What was I thinking?

Spending all my time

In the library.

[Rock music playing]

[both laugh]

♪ cover myself

Beneath my quiff ♪

♪ my power's run out

And so has my gift ♪

♪ at times like this

I'm at a loss ♪

♪ drifting in dreams

So fortuitous ♪

♪ I used to care a lot ♪

♪ now the world spins

Before me ♪

♪ these days,

Consistent sleep ♪

♪ and daytime tv ♪

♪ I'm only sleeping ♪

♪ don't wake me,

Don't wake me ♪

♪ I'm only sleeping ♪

♪ don't call me,

Don't wake me ♪

♪ I'm only sleeping ♪

Papers, josh.

[Professor's voice]

Where are the papers?

The papers, josh!

Huh?

Papers? Thank you. Thank you.

Papers?

Papers. Thank you.

Papers? Thank you.

Papers?

Thank you.

Papers, mister.

Wait just--

Thank you!

Oh.

Hey, hey.

There you are.

Wow.

Why the funky face?

Why? Because I'm sure I bombed

My midterms, that's why.

Oh, well, at least you

Showed up for them.

I bet you they give you

Points for that.

You. You.

What?

You need to

Stay away from me.

You've been distracting me

All semester,

And now I'm fucked.

Josh, is this

About bad grades?

Bad grades

Are meaningless.

You know, they're like

Parking tickets.

I mean,

They mean nothing.

Just laugh,

Because they're silly.

You know, they're silly

Little nothings.

I never failed anything

In my life.

Stop right there.

I think you're turning

Into a really great guy.

And so what if your

Astrology professor

Doesn't like you?

Big shit.

I don't take astrology.

Biology, whatever.

Stay away from me, ok?

I got work to do.

[Bottles clattering]

[clears throat]

[whistles]

[techno music blaring]

Hey!

[Music stops playing]

I can hear my heartbeat

Through my penis.

Get that out

Of your pants!

So, uh, josh, uh,

What do you say we head down

To the oktoberfest, huh?

[Knock on door]

Well, at least somebody

Wants to party.

Pop.

Come here.

Oh, I've heard

So much about you.

What? Am I leaving?

Excuse us!

Dad.

[Laughs nervously]

It's me...

Hi.

Flushles, the toilet

Cleaning clown! Ha ha!

You getting

An education, huh, coop?

You getting

My money's worth?

'Cause you know

What the dean tells me?

He tells me that you

Haven't been in one class

In 2 months!

I don't think this counts

As bonding, dad.

It's over, cooper.

I keep buying your way

Into these schools,

And you keep

Screwing up.

If you don't pass

All of your classes,

You're coming home

With me,

And you're gonna

Work with me,

But not in the office.

In the field.

I'm gonna give you all

The really disgusting jobs.

Hmm.

Cooper. Come on,

Talk to me.

What, josh?

He's serious this time,

All right? You heard him.

He's gonna pull me

Out of school.

And now I've got to

Pass all my classes.

I don't even know

Which ones I'm taking.

This is gonna

Drive me to drink.

No, cooper.

No more drinks,

No more bong hits.

There's only one thing

That can save you now.

What, valium?

No. Studying.

You need to study.

What? You're insane.

What? It'll be fun.

We'll read

Our books together.

We'll make sure that

We go to our classes.

We'll quiz each other.

We'll be study buddies.

No. I don't do that.

That's not me.

Well, I think it's

Time for a change.

Hey, you guys roommates?

Yeah.

You ought to talk

To henry over there.

He went to daleman.

Cooper:

That guy went to daleman?

Yeah. He's got

A real good story for you.

Henry:

You see, I had a roommate.

Poor prick.

Killed himself.

Yeah, oh, yeah.

I found the body.

He slit his wrists.

He swallowed some pills.

He put a bag over his head,

And he jumped

From the bridge.

It was a mess.

That's terrible.

Drunk:

Some people eat bugs. Ugh!

Right.

So what does this have to do

With getting straight as?

Everything. You see,

Daleman has always had

A problem with suicide.

Barman:

You see...

It seems

You college kids,

You have a real knack

For going wacko.

They have a rule that if

Your roommate kills himself,

You get straight as.

Yeah, they do.

It's like

A consolation prize.

Yeah, it relieves

Tension or something.

My intestines are

Over 2 miles long.

Is that true?

Drunk: yeah, it's true.

No, no, no.

The rules.

Mmm. Yes.

Yes.

Oh, ok, well, yeah,

That makes sense.

You can't be

Expected to study

If you're grieving

For your dead roommate.

I know I couldn't study

If you died.

You can't study now.

So these rules, they got them

Written down somewhere?

Probably the library.

The library, josh.

You know where that is,

Don't you?

Take me to the library.

This must be

A great college

To have

All these books.

Shh.

[Whispering] How are we gonna find That charter?

How are we gonna find

Our way out of here?

Will you grow up?

[Sighs]

Here it is.

Oh, you...

You found it.

Wow. The college charter.

I'm gonna go upstairs

And study, so have fun.

Wait a minute.

Aren't you even curious?

No.

It's totally ridiculous.

Don't leave me

Down here alone.

Libraries

Give me the creeps.

"Each student who..."

Hmm...

What the...

Holy shit!

J--listen.

Uh, "A student

Found to have died

"As a result of his own

Willful act will...

"Any other student residing

In the same housing unit

"Of said students

Shall be rewarded grades

"Of the highest order

Regardless

Of academic standing."

What the hell does this mean?

Is this it?

That's it.

Oh, ho ho.

What are you doing?

Well, we've got

To copy this.

For proof.

Cooper:

Josh! Oh, hey, josh!

Person: shh!

Boy: shut up!

Josh, where you going?

Look, josh, I finished.

I finished copying.

It wasn't really

That hard.

Person:

Shh!

Wow. Look at all

These people.

Shh!

[Whispering]

Right.

[Sighs]

I'm not gonna kill myself,

In case that's what

You're wondering.

Come on.

Be a sport.

I mean, you're fucked anyway.

At least this way,

One of us

Comes out on top.

Then you kill yourself.

No, I can't see that

Working.

Look, just forget it.

Josh, please. All I'm

Asking you to do--

I'm done helping you.

People:

Shh! Quiet!

Josh, wait.

What about kyle?

Who's kyle?

Kyle, our other roommate.

The one from

The catholic school.

He could kill himself.

It's perfect.

Are you talking

About murder, cooper?

'Cause if you are,

This conversation is over.

No, I am not

Talking about murder.

Well, I don't

Want to be part

Of your stupid plan,

So just drop it.

It's simple.

No, I mean it.

Just shut the shit up.

Yeah, but all you--

Aw. Ho ho ho.

Suicidal impulses

Come from feeling powerless

Over one's problems.

So when someone

Calls daleman's hotline,

We make sure that the caller

Feels in control of the--

Young man, would you

Please take a seat?

Now, the caller

Should be told

That suicide

Is never the answer.

Say there's someone

Really depressed--

Could you raise your hand?

Well, yeah. Ok.

Say there's someone

Really depressed,

But he might not

Actually kill himself.

Why don't I answer questions

After the session?

What would push him

Over the edge?

Send him running

For the razors?

Anything

Come to mind?

What?

Oh, hi, josh.

Come on in.

I got a note.

You wanted to see me?

I just wanted to

Check up on you,

Make sure your head's

Still above water.

Well, I don't know how well

I did on my midterms.

I was distracted,

But I'm not gonna do anything

But study from here on out.

Just remember you have

To keep a "B" plus average

To keep your scholarship.

What?

You must keep

A "B" plus average,

Or they'll revoke

Your scholarship.

No, not my scholarship.

I mean, they can't do that.

Do you understand?

I need that scholarship.

Josh, there's no reason

To get so worked up.

I mean, it's not as if

You failed your midterms.

Hi, honey.

What?

Well, thank you, shirley.

You've been very helpful.

Yes, I'll let you know

If the doctor

Needs those files.

All right.

Tell me, what--

Hey!

That was rude.

Wow, josh.

You don't look so good.

Why should I look good?

These are

My midterm scores.

And these are the scores

That I would need

To get on my finals

In order to keep

My scholarship.

And there's no mathematical way

That I can get these scores.

I would need

4 "A" plus plus pluses.

I'm doomed!

What's this doing here?

Well, see, I--

Cooper, when I got here,

I was on a track.

Do you know what

A track is? Chalk.

A track is a beautiful,

Wonderful thing.

It's a goal.

It's a track.

It's always moving forward

On a track.

Well, I don't have a track.

I have nothing.

I'm dead.

You're lookin'

At a dead man.

Well, then you're in!

I mean, this is great.

Great?

Well, I'm just saying--

Cooper!

What's wrong with you?!

You take the cake!

Cooper! Do you know

That cooper? Uhh!

Ohh! Ohh.

You're ok.

You're ok, huh?

Huh? Just shake it off.

Uhh.

Now, we have a way out,

And it's the best

Loophole ever,

And it's gonna save

Both of our asses,

So just mellow.

Here, put this on your nose.

Ah, cooper.

No. My whole vision

Is right here...

On this blackboard.

In what language?

Well, my penmanship's

Kind of gone to shit,

But basically,

Here is mr. Z.

Who's mr. Z?

Mr. Z is the most

Suicidal guy on campus.

Mr. Z is the guy

Who's gonna kill himself

Whether he lives

With us or not,

So I figure, he might

As well live with us

So his death

Won't be in vain.

Now, we find him at

The mental health clinic,

He moves in,

He kills himself,

And here's you keeping

Your scholarship,

And here's me saying,

"Flush off, flushles."

Ha ha ha ha.

Look, I have enough to deal with

Without you mind-fucking me.

No, josh. I am not

Mind-fucking you, ok?

I am so dead serious.

I am, like, in the zone.

Come on, josh!

Oh, josh.

Ok, the bottom line is

You work in

The housing office.

I need you. I can't

Do it without you,

So you might as well

Give it a go.

What have you got

To lose?

Forget it, cooper. Your brain

Is permanently fried.

You need help. I would

Never in a bajillion years

Follow you on some idiotic

Wild-goose chase! Never!

Say no more.

I understand, ok?

Oh, by the way,

There's a message

For you on the machine.

I think it's your mom.

[Beep]

Hi, joshie, it's mom.

You sounded so worried

When I talked to you.

Listen, honey, you have

Nothing to worry about.

I mean, of course you'll

Do well in college.

You always surpass

My expectations.

And I expect to see

Straight as. Ok? Bye.

Who is mr. Z again?

Oh, yeah.

There's one.

There's another one.

Oh, yeah.

Come on, baby.

Oh, come to daddy.

Oh, I gotcha. I gotcha.

Daddy's gotcha.

Josh, you're not

Saying anything.

Yay. Yippee.

Come on,

This is gonna be easy.

Once we find out

Who these guys are,

We'll steal their files,

And we'll figure out

Which one's the most

Suicidal of them all.

Oh, yeah. This guy

Looks really depressed.

Yeah.

This guy looks troubled.

Cooper?

Josh, is that you?

Hoo!

What are you guys

Doing?

Can we have some

Privacy, please?

Yeah, you got it.

Yeah.

Oh.

Wow, that was close.

Cooper, they probably think

That we're making out back here.

I know. They're totally

In the dark.

Josh:

Ooh!

Cooper:

Josh!

Josh:

Where we going?

Josh:

This is insanity.

We're gonna get

Kicked out of school

Before

We ever flunk out.

How we gonna figure out

Who's really nutso

And who's just

Having a bad week?

Here, take this rope,

Hook me up.

Now, remember,

Your code name is dinah.

What's yours?

Panther.

Why do you

Get to be panther?

Huh?

Jimmy.

Ohh. Uhh! Aah!

Oh, please.

Uhh! Uhh!

A little help here.

Yeah, sure.

Now, I'm gonna

Wrap this rope

Around this pipe

For leverage.

I'm risking my life for you.

Remember that.

I'm lowering you

12 feet into an office.

I'm not even sure

We need rope.

Ok, keep it slow.

That's good.

That's great.

Keep it right there.

That's perfect.

Ok, you're doing good,

Dinah.

Slow and steady, dinah.

Josh:

Yeah.

Slow and steady.

Dinah!

Slow and steady!

That's good, dinah.

Slow and steady.

Whoa! Slow! Dinah!

Slow!

I'm in.

Entering north

Corridor. Over.

Be careful.

Dinah, I have reached

The file room.

I'm not dinah anymore.

I'm cobra.

Whatever.

Jesus christ!

I'm lost!

I need directions.

Where do I go?

I'm on it, I'm on it.

All right. Here it is.

Go right. No, no, no.

Go left into the middle aisle

Past the numbered section.

Dinah, I think I see it.

Dinah, I found it,

I found the file cabinet.

Uhh! It's locked.

I'll use my jimmy.

Uhh! Where's my jimmy?

I got your jimmy

Right here.

I need my jimmy.

No, jimmy.

Repeat, no jimmy.

Uhh! Ohh!

Come on!

Ohh! Got it!

[Dispatch radio]

Josh:

Holy moley!

Abort. Abort.

Dinah, repeat.

You're breaking up.

The security guards are here.

You got to get out of there.

Oh, shit!

Hey, you!

[Whimpers]

Hold it!

Ohh! Aah!

Get me the fuck out of here.

Where do I go?

South hallway!

Get out of there!

Dinah, save yourself!

Whoa! Uhh!

I'm out.

[Distant siren]

Oh, yes!

Yes! Yes!

We were so van damme!

Come on, say it with me.

Van damme!

Both:

Van damme!

All right,

Now it's pathetic.

One of these guys

Is our lucky mr. Z.

Let's get busy.

[Both speaking indistinctly]

We're really

Doing this, cooper.

I know.

We're so motivated.

Hello.

Professor durkheim?

What can I do for you?

Hi. I'm josh miller.

Come in, come in.

Sit down.

Are you one

Of my students?

No, no. I, uh, I was

Just in the neighborhood,

I thought I'd pop in.

Nobody just pops into

The psych department.

No, they don't.

You seem nervous,

Mr. Miller.

Nervous? Me?

No. Just had a question.

Um, I don't know

How to put this.

If, um, somebody

Was really depressed

And contemplating suicide...

Is this

A personal question?

Oh, no. No, no.

I'm just curious.

Hmm.

Why don't you tell me

About yourself, josh?

Where you from?

Rachel:

Hey, josh.

Hey, stranger,

Where have you been?

I thought you died

Or something.

Died? No, no, no.

Nobody died.

Oh, good, good.

Um, so, here it is.

What is it?

It's my short story.

You said you wanted to read it

When I was done,

And I'm done, so...

Oh, yeah, that's great.

Hey, you wouldn't

Happen to have

A shorter short story,

Would you?

Josh! Hey, josh!

What?

We need to make some

Decisions right now.

Hey, rachel.

Hey, cooper.

In a minute.

No, right now.

Don't make me come down there.

I got to go, but

I want to see you.

You know,

I think about you...

All the time.

Well, we'll hang out sometime.

Will you call me?

Oh, yeah.

Ok.

Josh!

I'll see you.

All right.

Would you hurry up?

Where have you been?

Look, I borrowed these

Books from the library.

They actually let you

Do that. Here.

What did

Your professor say?

Oh. Not much.

He thinks I'm suicidal.

We have to choose

Our mr. Z right now,

And this guy--

He is it, man.

Cliff o'malley.

Look at those

Close-set eyes,

And that's drool.

That is definitely drool.

I don't know.

I like these guys.

Listen to this.

"Patient has

An intense death wish.

Set bed on fire, reckless,

Alcoholic, psychotic."

He's perfect.

He's--he's--

He's you.

You're gonna thank me

When we find his

Dead body in our room.

He's kind of spooky,

Cooper.

Ha ha. I'll tell you

What spooky is.

Spooky is no more college.

That's spooky.

Compared to that,

That guy's mr. Bunny foo foo.

Kappa omega rules, baby!

Hey, jeff,

Who am I, buddy?

I'm your sister! Ha!

Look out!

Oww!

Ok, this is it, guys.

This is the big one.

Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!

Whoo hoo!

[Loud hard rock music

Playing]

Whoo!

Hey, jeff, get a load

Of this, buddy!

Kappa omega!

Hey, boys!

You know, maybe this

Isn't such a good idea.

Josh, we have

3 weeks till finals.

He's our only hope.

And he wants to die.

Why can't he die in our room

With his new best friends?

Cliff:

Aah!

Help! Help!

Cliff:

Oww! Oh, my god!

[Knocks on door]

Cliff?

Cliff o'malley?

Cliff:

Help me! Look out below!

[Girl screams]

Hey, cliff!

What, did you get hit, man?

Chill out,

It's just water.

No, we just came here

To talk to you.

Ah... Good.

I'm sick of the goddamn

Whiners at this school.

[Music stops playing]

Sit.

My god, I'm living

In a frat house,

And these fuckers

Wanna kick me out

For not

Observing quiet hours?

Well, they can just

Suck my quiet cock!

You know, cliff,

We like to party.

I mean, we party all

The time, right, josh?

Yeah, yeah.

We party hard.

Really? I got some beers.

Let's drink 'em, huh?

Hey.

That one's not beer.

[Belches]

Quick, man,

Kick me in the junk.

Come on, man,

Kick me in the junk!

God... Damn,

That's a rush! Ohh!

♪ My name is cliff,

Brother of joe ♪

♪ I got me some crack,

I want me some hos! ♪

♪ Let me hear you

Say yeah ♪

Yeah.

♪ Let me hear you

Say yeah! ♪

Both:

Yeah.

♪ Let me hear you

Say yeah! ♪

I got to be somewhere.

No. Sit down, josh.

Did you say they're trying

To kick you out of here?

Because actually we have

An open room where we live.

You know what?

I got to see rachel.

Hey! You guys

Ever get horny?

Well, it depends on where

You're going with this.

'Cause I do, man.

I get these urges sometimes.

I gotta hump this lamp!

I gotta screw this couch!

Uhh uhh uhh uhh uhh!

Uhh!

Hey! You guys know any chicks

Who like to party?

Josh does.

He's heading over

To a chick's room

Right now.

Why don't we all go?

[Flapping tongue]

Yo, parker!

Your ass is grass, man.

Hey, krauss,

You wanna party, huh?

Say hello

To my new buddies, boys!

Hey, any of you women

Wanna party or what?

[Snorting]

Ohh. Ahh.

[Coughs]

Which one of these

Chicks is for me?

What?

Which one of these

Chicks is for me?

Oh. I don't know.

Cliff, actually,

I think they're all lesbians.

Lesbians!

You guys

Are fucking cool, man.

Hey, lesbos,

How's it hangin'?

Uh...

Nice room.

Wow.

Which one of you

Painted this picture?

I--I did?

Ohh. It's so smooth.

Hey. Who wants

To do a bong hit?

How about...

You!

[Gasps]

[flapping

Tongue]

Here, I'll light it.

That's ok.

I said I'll light it!

Ok.

I'm a gentleman.

Fire! Fire!

Aah!

Ooh! Ooh!

Whoa!

Rachel: oh, my god,

She's on fire!

Hey! Look out of the way!

I got it!

Move out of the way!

No! No!

Get off me!

She's burning!

Goddamn it!

[Groans]

Uh...

I guess a blow job's

Out of the question.

[Chuckles]

This is your idea

Of hanging out?

Where did you

Find this guy?

What?

You don't like him?

Ha. No. Josh, he set

Lucy's hair on fire.

He's psychotic.

Well, he's

An acquired taste.

Hey, get him out of here.

I could just...

On this...

You know, I don't get it.

'Cause whenever

I'm on fire,

I remember to stop,

Drop, and roll.

You don't just stand there

Screaming like some chick!

Yeah. Don't

Worry about it.

I think I really screwed up

In there with rachel.

Hey, screw those chicks, man.

You know what

We ought to do?

We ought to go into town

And get us

A couple of hookers, huh?

I know just the hooker, too.

Her name's carl.

She's beautiful, man.

I'm driving. Let's go.

Come on!

Cliff:

Whoo hoo!

Going to find carl,

Going to find carl.

You know, I really

Shouldn't be driving.

My license was revoked.

Really?

For what?

Attempted

Vehicular manslaughter.

That's good.

Whatever the fuck

That means.

Whoo!

[Horn honks]

Whoo hoo!

I love that!

Nothing like a good game

Of chicken, boys!

Ha ha.

Whoo!

Why are we stopped?

Yeah, why are we stopping?

Josh, would you be so kind

As to ask the officer

Where I-95 is?

Cooper:

Josh.

Yeah, sure.

Excuse me, sir?

We were just wondering

If you could inform us--

Hey.

Do I smell a pig?

Dude, what are you doing?

Hey, pig!

Cooper: that's enough.

Hey, little piggies!

Cooper:

What are you, crazy?

All right, piggies!

Josh:

Ohh! No! No!

Cooper:

Aah!

Hey, have you ever been in

A high-speed chase before?

It's intense!

[Siren]

Bring it on, bacon!

Oh, cliff!

Wait! I got

A damn good idea.

[Opens glove compartment]

They hate it

When you do this.

Cooper:

That's a gun. That's a gun!

That's a gun!

Oww!

Come on, copper!

Hey, guys, I think

We're losing them!

[Gunfire]

Hey, guys!

Cliff:

You goddamn pussies!

Ooh!

Ohh!

[Moans]

You ok?

[Both laugh]

This is the last time

I listen to you.

What?

Josh:

Where the hell are we?

It's no big deal.

We'll just hitchhike

Our way back to campus.

Josh, stick out your thumb,

Or they won't see you.

Got the puck.

Come on, come on.

Yeah!

Hit me! Hit me!

I'm open!

Yeah!

Oh.

Fellas,

What's happening?

How's it going?

All right.

I think they're having

A little lovers quarrel.

What are you talking about?

We saw them making out

In the bushes the other day.

Bullshit.

Josh:

Look, neither of us

Have ever done anything

Like this before,

So if we're gonna

Go through with it,

I want us to be safe!

Cooper:

Well, fine.

I just thought you and I

Were tight back there.

Just don't ever

Pull out on me again.

I pulled out because

I don't think you know

What you're doing!

I'm taking over

From here.

You know, josh,

You are so anal!

Here's our man.

Buckley schrank.

He's paranoid, delusional,

Suicidal urges,

Attempted to give himself

A lobotomy.

Yeah, but--

No, don't but me.

He's my guy. He's great.

We've got 2 weeks to move him

In and push him over the edge.

Let's at least

Check him out first.

Fine.

[Keyboard clicking]

Yaah!

Hey, man. What

Are you working on?

Nothing. Stuff. Why?

Looks interesting.

It's not.

You like

Computers?

No. Uh, maybe. Why?

You a computer

Science major?

No. I don't understand.

Who are you?

Josh.

Cooper.

Going...

To lunch.

I got a class.

Coming through.

Excuse me. Bye-bye.

Ha ha! Take care.

Time is money.

I'm a busy beaver.

Very busy beaver.

Aah!

All right. Ok.

Stand back. Stand back.

Nothing to see here.

Get out of my way!

Buckley:

Move it!

Girl:

Hi, guys.

[Sighs]

Thought you said

You had a class.

No, it's just--

Cooper:

You lied to us.

Watch out!

People on this campus

Are trying to kill me.

What?

My cousin virgil

Is making bombs--

Are you finished?

No. No.

No, I'm not.

No, thank you. No!

Bring it on!

It's ok, it's ok.

What's in here,

Strychnine?

You see what I mean?

My therapist

Says I'm paranoid.

I--I got proof.

He's been co-opted.

The soil is not clean,

And don't think I'm wrong.

Heads up! Heads up!

Look out!

Dirty soil!

Dirty! Dirty!

My guy.

My guy. Yep.

We're gonna

Move him in today.

♪ There's people

Who'll get away ♪

♪ with what

You're trying to do ♪

♪ but I see we might not

Have your luck ♪

♪ all right, oh, baby,

We're walkin' ♪

♪ I'm walkin' in the dark,

So maybe we're guessing ♪

♪ between the lines,

Try and understand ♪

♪ give me some reply ♪

Hey!

Who is it?

It's cooper.

Remember me?

Yeah. I'm busy,

So go away.

Let me in

Before they see me.

Before who sees you?

I think I'm

Being followed.

You are being followed.

Oh, god. Come on!

What's going on?

Are you in some trouble?

Listen, kurt cobain

Didn't kill himself.

You understand?

He's not even dead.

He and vince foster are

Living near mount st. Helens.

You're kidding.

Why?

It's not their idea. They're

Being blackmailed into it.

But the man responsible

Is so rich,

So powerful,

He'll stop at nothing

To make sure this

Stays suppressed.

What's his name?

I can't tell you that!

Bill gates.

Bill gates? What does

He want from you?

My brain. He's already

Got half of it.

I fell asleep

At newark airport,

And now I'm this close

To taking my own life

So I can stop

The apocalypse.

Well, sure, yeah.

That makes sense to me.

You need to get out of here.

We have an empty room

In our dorm.

They'll never

Find you in there.

Oh, god.

Thanks, brother.

Sure, brother.

[Sniffs]

I think they may be

Spraying this building

With chemicals.

[Sniff sniff]

Neutrino beams.

They're trying to attract

My brain cells magnetically.

Aah! Aah!

Rachel:

Excuse me, sir? Could you--

Josh, is that you?

Oh!

Uh, excuse me!

Look out!

Ok...

Josh:

Well, if you need anything,

We'll be right in here.

And later, you may even

Want to try the chair.

I knew my guy

Was gonna work.

Was I right?

I gotta hand it to you.

He's good.

Of course he's good.

He's the best. He's my guy.

I love my guy.

This is turning out

Pretty good.

Not that you

Picked a bad guy.

He just turned out to be

A complete maniac.

Talk about

Missing links.

Probably scientists out

Looking for him right now.

Dudes!

Aah!

Guys, you gotta help me out.

The cops are after me.

I mean, I was

Just out driving along,

They pulled me over,

I was minding my own business...

I need a place to crash.

Hey...

This room's decent.

Yeah! This is

Gonna be sweet!

Unh!

Hey... A math award.

I knew you guys

Were smart

When you bailed

Out of the car.

I didn't want to jump,

But josh, he was--

Hey!

Look. I took

A bullet wound for you.

.38 at close range, huh?

How does it look?

Uh, it's a little red.

[Laughs]

[knock on door]

The cops!

Shh!

[Whispering]

I'm not here.

Come on.

Aah!

Oh, I'm sorry.

Shh. What?

Hey, can I use

The bathroom?

In a minute.

Yow! Thanks.

Cliff, gotta hide.

Yeah. In the closet!

Closet?

Door!

Oh!

Come on, let's go.

Wow. Big closet.

Josh! Cooper!

Guys!

Hey!

You need some help?

No!

Cliff.

Zeke!

Cliff o'malley.

I haven't seen you

Since high school.

I thought

You were dead!

No. This close, though.

[Stammering]

How you been?

Good. Got shot.

Oh, god!

Wait!

You ever get horny?

[Stammering]

Great! I know this chick

Named carla,

And she's beautiful, man.

You want to meet her?

Come on!

You're gonna love this chick,

I swear to god!

You like to drink?

Your guy. My guy.

You see the difference?

[Knocks]

Hey, there.

What do you want?

Listen, cooper told me about

The whole conspiracy thing.

Oh, fart!

Now you're in danger.

You know, when

I get stressed out,

I call

The suicide hot line.

[Ring]

Suicide hot line.

Hi. Um, I think I'm

Having a panic attack.

What seems to be

The problem?

You see, it's

Hard to explain,

But I'm very frightened.

You... Should be.

Who is this?

It's me, buckley.

Bill.

Yeah. Bill gates.

No! No, god! Please!

What do you want from me?

Your brain, buckley.

Your brain!

Well, you'll have

To come and get it!

Buckley:

Then they'll be freaks!

Cooper:

How is he?

Who? My guy?

My guy is freaking out.

My guy won't come out

Of his room.

My guy is going

To kill himself.

How many times are you gonna

Remind me he's your guy?

My guy, my guy, my guy.

I guess 3 times.

Buckley:

You can do it. Oh, god! Oh, no!

Oh, my fucking god!

Cooper:

Great.

Oh, hey! Oh, hey,

What's up, rachel?

What are you doing?

I just came by to see what

You thought of my story

'cause I gotta

Turn it in tomorrow.

Oh, yeah.

It was great.

I was telling cooper

All about it.

How did I put it, coop?

Uh, you--you said it

Was fucking hilarious.

Ha ha ha!

Hilarious.

It wasn't supposed to be funny.

Were you laughing at it?

Oh, no.

No, no, no.

The truth is actually, rachel,

I didn't read it yet.

What is your deal, josh?

We make plans to hang out,

You bring some psycho

By my room

Who sets lucy's hair on fire

And then I never

Hear from you again.

I'm sorry, rachel.

I've been really busy,

And I'm kind of

In the middle of--

Know what? You're acting

Like a real jerk,

So I'll just see you later.

Rachel, wait!

Would it have been so hard

To read that story, josh?

What's all this?

Well, the pamphlets

Say it's crucial

To keep all instruments

Of self-destruction

Away from

The suicidal person,

So I ran out and

Bought all this stuff.

Shh! Did you hear that?

Take this rope.

What do I do with it?

Tie it in a noose.

I don't know how.

[Sighs]

[urinating]

Oh, ho.

Oh, that's priceless.

Oh, that's good.

We're the hardy boys

From hell.

Shh.

Josh: [whispering]

Shh! Cut it out.

Konnichi wa!

Hey, buckley.

Aah! What's with the knife?

We can explain!

Call 911! Call 911!

I thought you guys

Were my friends!

Get back!

Buckley.

You're in on it?

You're with bill gates?

No. No.

We're your friends.

We like you.

Oh, my god!

You're trying to kill me.

This is great!

Josh:

No. Of course, not.

Yes! It's the suit!

This is really happening!

It's not in my head!

Dude,

Those guys are freaks!

Aah! I'm gonna tell everyone

And you'll never get laid!

Whoo! Yes! I'm not crazy!

It's happening! Get all

Your gear and follow me!

Ha ha! I'm not crazy!

Well, so much

For your guy.

Look at all these

Happy people studying.

I hate them.

Finals are in a week

And we're doomed.

Oh, god. Oh, look,

There's my advisor.

She's talking to

That psych professor.

They're probably

Trying to kick me out.

What was I thinking

Listening to you?

Josh, you know what

We need to do?

Get stoned.

All my great ideas

Come to me

When I'm baked

Out of my skull.

When have you had

A great idea, huh?

It's over. I'm out.

You're driving me crazy.

Where are you going?

I'm going somewhere I'll

Never run into you. Class.

[Siren]

Girl:

Hurry up! Over here.

Boy:

Right there, man.

Girl:

Somebody's in trouble.

What happened?

He was throwing water

Balloons out that window

And then he just fell.

Excuse me. Oh, no.

He's dead!

[Gasping]

Come here. Come here.

Oh, my god,

What a tragedy.

I know.

We were so close.

Cooper, jeez.

Poor guy. I mean,

He was such a... Freak.

Wait! Hey, he's breathing.

He's alive.

Ohh. Where do you guys

Get this shit?

Do you know what

This means?

This means we were

On the right track.

We can't give up now,

One week before finals.

I got one more guy.

We get him to open up a vein,

And we're golden.

Here he is. Matt noonan.

Depressive, death fixation,

Constant threats of suicide.

Ok, no dick-smacking around.

Let's get him in the room

And send him on his way

To the netherworld.

Here he comes!

Here he comes! Sit!

Hey!

You must be

Our new roommate.

Need any help

Moving in your stuff?

[British accent]

I'm wearing my stuff.

Oh.

[Playing guitar]

♪ my words are my sperm ♪

♪ spewing forth my-- ♪

[knock on door]

Well, what the fuck

Do you two want?

Are you

A musician?

Are you in a band?

Kiss my ass.

What?

That's the name

Of the bleedin' band.

Oh.

You're gonna play

The big pre-finals

Party, right?

Yeah. That's right.

If I'm still around.

What do you mean?

And who the fuck are you?

Fucking kurt loder?

Can you piss off and

Shut my fucking door?

Oh.

Piss off!

Oh, piss off. Come on.

What the hell

Does "Piss off" mean?

1, 2, 3, 4.

♪ My words are my sperm ♪

♪ spewing forth

My tragic germ ♪

♪ I'm mr. Pariah,

A sad messiah-- ♪

Stop!

Please, guys, come on!

Matt, that was

Bitchin', man.

Practice is over because

This music is crap.

It's total crap.

Well, want to get

Something to eat?

No. I'm not hungry.

You can piss off.

Go. Thank you. Lovely.

Thank you for coming.

Lovely. Off you go.

[Clapping]

Hey, yes.

Good one.

Yeah, you guys

Really rock.

Really? Maybe someday

I'll be fortunate enough

To entertain millions

Of suburban teeny-boppers.

Make music videos!

Won't that be "Groovy"?

Fuck it all.

Tv: Ha ha!

That's what I thought you said!

[Cartoon noises]

Tv: Don't worry.

That'll Come out with club soda.

[Laughter]

Ooh! Ouch! Call a doctor.

I don't think he knew

It was coming.

[Laughter]

We'll be right back

After this.

[Matt chuckling]

[cartoon noises]

Ahem.

What the hell?

Were you just watching tv?

No!

I heard you laughing.

Laughing?

Yeah. I'm a real big

Laugher. Piss off!

Josh! Josh!

Josh! Wake up!

What is it?

I'm worried.

I don't think this guy's

Who we think he is.

What? Didn't you hear

What he said before?

"If I'm still around."

That means

He might not be around.

Around meaning "Alive."

He might not be alive.

But I don't think

He's that depressed.

This guy has what

It takes, cooper.

You know, I'm this close to

Letting you get your own guy.

What are you doing?

I need a breath

Of fresh air.

[Inhales deeply]

That's enough air.

I need my bong.

No. We have 3 days.

You need to focus.

Gimme that.

Are you insane?!

Hey! Stay back!

What?

No more distractions!

No more drinks!

No more bong hits!

Come on, you little--

This is for you,

Cooper!

Unh!

I'm doing this for you!

No, josh, no!

Why?

It's the only way.

I say we murder him.

[Knock on door]

Hey.

Hello.

Hey, man.

Do you mind

If I come in?

No. Come on in.

Thank you.

Cooper:

How are you feeling?

I feel like crap.

Feels like crap.

I've been having

These creepy dreams lately.

Kiss my ass played

The pre-finals party,

And then afterward,

I put a gun in my mouth...

And I pulled the trigger.

Bam!

It's so really real.

If it's so really real,

I don't think you'd get

That second shot off.

No, I suppose not.

I think I heard

A cry for help.

Didn't you?

Well... I guess I did.

All right then.

It's a beautiful day!

Yes! Yes!

I'm getting straight-as!

See you at the party!

And, professor!

Professor, you're the best!

Hey, guys. Hey!

Ooh! Ooh! Yeah!

Pizza! How is he?

He's been in

His room all day.

I have a really good

Feeling about this.

Maybe he's dead already.

Hey. What are

You guys up to?

Nothing.

♪ In the afterlife ♪

♪ you could be headed

For the serious strife ♪

♪ now you make the scene

All day ♪

♪ but tomorrow

There'll be hell to pay ♪

Bathroom.

♪ In the afterlife ♪

♪ you could be headed

For the serious strife... ♪

Now, remember, if he's

Hanging from his noose,

Try to act surprised.

Jesus christ

Almighty.

We're just

Checking up on you.

Heard you guys were

A couple of perverts.

[Band playing]

This last one

Is called sperm.

♪ My words are my sperm ♪

♪ spewing forth

My tragic germ ♪

♪ I'm dying to kiss you ♪

♪ I soil the tissue ♪

I'll be right back.

Keep on eye on him.

♪ And everything's swell ♪

♪ suicide's friend ♪

♪ nearing the end ♪

♪ suicide's friend ♪

♪ nearing the end ♪

He's so intense.

Enjoy him while

You still can.

What's that

Supposed to mean?

♪ Nearing the ♪

End.

[Glass breaks]

[applause]

That was amazing.

Fully.

I loved it.

Whatever.

I liked that.

Yeah.

Lucy, your wig.

♪ What good is sitting

Alone in your room? ♪

♪ Come hear the music play ♪

♪ life is a cabaret-- ♪

Oh, fuck me!

What were you doing?

What? Nothing!

Don't tell me nothing!

You were singing a showtune!

You're crazy.

I'd never do that.

You can't be suicidal if

You're singing showtunes!

What?! I am suicidal!

You're not

Even depressed!

Of course I'm depressed!

Look at me!

I'm very fucking depressed!

You fucking poser!

[Loses accent]

Hey, man, I am not--oh!

You're not even british!

Mmm!

Oh, god!

He's not even british!

[Music blaring]

Boy: yeah, there are

Good guys on campus.

Pretty cool.

Excuse me.

Could I talk to her

For a second?

It's ok.

Please?

I've been flaking out

On you, and I'm sorry.

I'm not interested

In your excuses.

Did you think I'd wait around

Till you found time for me?

Wait!

Rachel, cooper and I--

No, josh, I liked you.

I really did.

I thought you were

A really great guy.

I was just wrong.

No. You weren't wrong.

I really like you,

And I'm a great guy.

Buckley:

People! I have a red alert!

Attention!

This is an evil man!

He can't be trusted.

He's got files on everybody.

He's trying to create

A one-world government.

He's bad news, baby.

If you see that guy,

Kick him in the balls!

Hey, josh! Josh!

I ran back to the room

And got matt's yearbook.

Here's marilyn manson

In high school.

I'm gonna fucking

Kill him.

Let's get out of here.

Hey, fellas.

What's going on?

What's wrong?

Long story.

You guys, I know

What's going on.

You do?

You're having

Relationship problems.

No, it's more

Complicated than that.

I got you. I'm real

Tight with my uncle.

He's gay like you guys.

I just want you to know

I am cool with it.

We all are.

Yeah.

Don't worry about it.

Yeah.

It's cool.

Well, looks like I'm

A gay toilet cleaner.

Guess I'll

Go home and pack.

Sorry about your bong.

Ah, it's ok.

Josh: Cheer up, man.

Let's go to pickle's.

I'll use his blender,

Make us some drinks.

Piña colada? Mai tai?

Margarita.

Margarita it is.

[Knocking]

Hey, pickle, mind if we make

Ourselves some margaritas?

Um, no, go ahead.

It's in the blender.

Thanks.

Ahh, I'm gonna miss college.

Yeah, me, too.

We had fun,

Didn't we?

Yeah, we did.

I was gonna end up being

A toilet cleaner anyway.

What am I gonna do now?

Well...

You can come work

With me and flushles.

You can be third in

The shit-cleaning command.

Hmm. What is this?

"Good-bye. Can't take it.

I'm sorry"?

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit!

Shit!

What? What?

He's committed

Suicide.

I didn't even know

He was depressed.

Don't you see? This is

The hand of god here.

It's what I've prayed for.

This is a miracle.

Pickle... Dead.

We've got to move fast.

Go to housing.

File the paperwork.

Just get the files worked out.

Go on, josh, please!

It's what we've been

Working for! We're set!

What the hell

Is going on?!

I live here!

Who are you?

What? Kyle!

No, no, no.

They moved you out.

Sorry, buddy, they moved

Somebody else in,

So... Sayonara.

[Knocking]

Who is it?

Where are my posters

And who are those 2 people

Fucking in my room?!

There's people fucking

In your room?

Matt:

Oh, shit! Come on!

Those guys.

They threw

Your stuff out

And said to tell you

To go fuck yourself.

Kelly...

Could you wait out here

For a couple seconds?

I gotta... Thanks, baby.

Get the hell outta here!

Matt: You can't kick me out.

This is my room.

Cooper, tell him

I'm your roommate.

My roommate is

A depressive rock star.

You are a candy ass,

Showtune-singing cheerleader.

You're dead.

Matt:

That's my guitar!

Off we go.

Lovely. Lovely.

[Guitar smashes]

[scuffling]

Come on, pickle.

Come on. Throw up for me.

Josh, what

Are you doing?

Come on.

Let's get those pills up.

[Pickle coughs]

Yeah.

Medic:

Coming through. Watch it.

Cooper:

What the hell?

Cooper, he was alive.

I couldn't let him die.

This is what we've

Been working for, josh.

This was our loophole.

Don't you have enough brains

To recognize a loophole?

The only loophole

I ever recognized

Was you got a rich daddy

Who buys your way through life.

Oh! Oh!

Congratulations, buddy.

Now you can go back

To indiana and spend

The rest of your life

In a bowling ally.

What are you saying?

People who make it

In this world have guts.

Obviously

You don't have any.

♪ Mama gripped onto

The milkman's hand ♪

♪ and then

She finally gave birth ♪

♪ years go by,

And still I don't know ♪

♪ who shall

Inherit this earth ♪

♪ and no one

Will know my name ♪

♪ until it's on a stone ♪

♪ whoa-oa-oa ♪

♪ this could be

Our lucky day ♪

Hank: Dude,

there's some guy Out on the bridge!

It's that guy josh!

Boy: Josh is on the bridge!

He's gonna jump!

[Siren]

Slow down! Slow down!

Get a light up there!

Cooper:

Josh!

Josh, what the hell

Are you doing up there?

What do you think?

I'm just looking

For a way out.

Seriously, come down.

What's the point?

My life's over.

Why? Because you're

Off your track?

Oh, come on, josh.

Who cares?

That's so fucking stupid.

Are you an idiot?

No!

Shh!

Cooper:

Look, I understand.

Maybe you were on

The wrong track, josh,

But it's ok, because

Now you can figure out

What you're

Really supposed to do.

What? Become

A total failure?

No. No.

You know...

I should be the one

Up there.

My father's right.

I'm a fuckup.

I'm a total fuckup.

You're on this little holiday

In fuckupland,

But I live here permanently!

Josh, I messed up.

I messed everything up.

You just did the right thing

And that took guts.

More guts than I have.

You're my best friend.

So, please, just step back

From the ledge.

[Crowd murmuring]

[applause]

You're gonna be ok, man.

You think

They bought it?

Bought what?

That I'm suicidal.

Wh-what?

Well, I don't think they'll

Throw somebody suicidal

Out of school, do you?

No.

No, of course not.

You magnificent bastard.

I can't believe you made me

Say all that stuff.

Think how proud

Your dad's gonna be

When he finds out

You're a hero.

You are a genius.

[Crowd clapping]

Oh, they make such

A cute couple.

Huh?

Josh: If there's one thing I learned in college,

It's things don't always

Turn out like you plan.

The school

Bent the rules a little

And gave me another semester

To raise my grades.

I was

About 13...

But I had to spend 6 months

In intensive therapy

With professor durkheim,

And I learned I liked psychology

More than medicine,

So I changed my major.

Bye, bob.

Cooper's dad was so proud

He paid for him to stay

In school for another year.

He still had to spend vacations

Working at the company,

And he says

If you're stoned enough,

Scrubbing toilets can be

A zen-like experience.

During the school year,

He also got a job

Working at

The suicide hot line.

The mezzanine?

Can I even see

The band from there?

How much are they?

150 bucks?

Are you insane?

What?

Oh, drop dead!

Josh: Rachel and I Got back together.

She likes having a boyfriend

Who's unstable

Because it gives her inspiration

For her creative writing.

Buckley eventually left daleman

And was arrested

For the attempted assassination

Of bill gates.

I'll be back!

Count on it!

Kelly broke up with kyle

And he spent the rest

Of the semester in confession.

Kyle: Father,

I had my way with myself In the freshman face book.

I've just been,

Like-- [spits]

Jacking off to this thing,

For, like, 3 weeks.

Oh, yeah!

Oh, little kyle!

[Upbeat]

♪ my words are my sperm ♪

♪ his words

Are his sperm ♪

Josh:

Matt and his band got famous,

And his album went straight

To the top of the charts.

He even got interviewed on mtv

By his hero kurt loder.

Pickle recovered

And moved in with us.

We felt sorry for him,

Plus we figured if he ever

Got really depressed again,

Well, we might as well

Cover our bases,

If you know what I mean.

As for cliff,

Cliff was aboard a party cruise

That tragically caught on fire

And capsized.

He refused to abandon ship,

And his body was lost at sea.

Cooper seemed to take it

Harder than any of us.

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Buddy!

Come on down!

No! Aah!

Hey! Ow!

God! You're kneeling

On my junk!

Aah! Aah!

He's on me!

He's alive!

No. It was

Just a bad dream.

Fellas!

Aah!

Now, that was

A fucking boat ride!

Whoo! An adventure like that

Makes me frickin' horny.

[Whimpering]

♪ in the afterlife ♪

♪ you could be headed

For the serious strife ♪

♪ now you make the scene

All day ♪

♪ but tomorrow

There'll be hell to pay ♪

♪ in the afterlife ♪

♪ you could be headed

For the serious strife ♪

♪ now you make

The scene all day ♪

♪ but tomorrow

There'll be hell to pay ♪

♪ people,

Listen attentively ♪

♪ I mean,

About future calamity ♪

♪ I used to think

The idea was obsolete ♪

♪ until I heard the old man

Stamping his feet ♪

♪ now the "D" and the "A"

And the "M" and the "N" ♪

♪ and the "A" and the "T"

And the "I-o-n" ♪

♪ lose your face,

Lose your name ♪

♪ then get fitted

For a two-tone flame ♪

♪ "D" and the "A"

And the "M" and the "N" ♪

♪ and the "A" and the "T"

And the "I-o-n" ♪

♪ lose your face,

Lose your name ♪

♪ then get fitted

For a two-tone fla-a-ame ♪

[new song begins]

♪ a dusty house ♪

♪ through my dirty clothes ♪

♪ seated in a town ♪

♪ on the verge

Of extinction ♪

♪ strumming up the tune ♪

♪ alone, I compose ♪

♪ a bittersweet ditty

About an ex-girlfriend ♪

♪ so fuck her ♪

♪ and her painful memories ♪

♪ why tear out my heart ♪

♪ for all the world

To see? ♪

♪ Why not give our love ♪

♪ a catchy melody? ♪

♪ Burning up the charts ♪

♪ sweet simplicity ♪

♪ we'll do it in the end ♪

♪ gotta get away ♪

♪ maybe we should stay ♪

♪ seated in a town ♪

♪ on the verge

Of explosion ♪

♪ new york and l.A. ♪

♪ no one listening anyway ♪

♪ busy predicting ♪

♪ the next big hit ♪

♪ so fuck that ♪

♪ get a change

Of scenery ♪

♪ I'll pack up the car ♪

♪ and move to california ♪

♪ find

A better girlfriend ♪

♪ and a catchy melody ♪

♪ playing all the cards ♪

♪ happy harmony

And do it again ♪

[new song begins]

♪ sweet, sweet love ♪

♪ and my blistered feet ♪

♪ it ain't easy ♪

♪ come away ♪

♪ I was feeling fine ♪

♪ I'm the water's friend ♪

♪ I could stay here ♪

♪ for the day ♪

♪ we can stay here now ♪

♪ like anyone, can't you? ♪

♪ We can stay here now ♪

♪ 'cause here it comes ♪

♪ here it comes ♪

♪ it's a music show ♪

♪ hear the distant sound ♪

♪ as the riot sun ♪

♪ beats the sky ♪

Aaah!

Holy cow!

He's on fire!

A little help here!

Pillows!

Oh!

What happened?

It's cliff.

Zeke!

Aah!

Come on, man!

We weren't done!

No!

Let's go.

Come on!

Enough is enough!

He's mine, fellas!

Come on!

Zeke:

Oh, god! Aah! Aah!

Dead Man on Campus (1998) - full transcript