Dead Air (2016) - full transcript

mike you need to be

quick we need you to

help us

ugh

morning Mr Michaelson

morning Jason uh

it's just Mike

by the way um you

don't have to worry

about calling me Mr Michaelson

oh okay uh I have

your post oh just

put up my desk please

thanks but you don't

have a, okay!

hey mike oh my god i've got your

breakfast order all

in the book for when

you finish

um now i saw last

week that you had

uh egg and rye bread

but uh this week

you had a whole meal

so i was wondering

if maybe you wanted

to switch things up

i mean we've got

no you're in the zone it's fine

and day gets worse

in three two mike

you're late

and you're early you

know all about that

wouldn't you listen mike

if you're gonna host

my show my show i'm

going to host my show

can you at least

be here on time to host it

and i've got some

enormous papers if

you'd sign oh great

thanks jeanette i'll

be sure to look them

over anything else

yeah you left this at

my house oh and uh

mr hathaway wants you

so when you've got

a minute

hello listeners and

welcome to srock

radio's midnight shift i'm mike

michaelson and i'll

be accompanying you

through the early hours of this

fine monday morning

on today's show we

have a special guest

who uh oh oh

hang on i'm just

being informed by my

producer that our special guest

is dead

oh so i'm very sorry

to hear that so um

oh no no oh no no

um my bad i've i've

made a mistake our

special guest is

chopping his ear off i

don't understand

one second janet

what the fuck you

trying to tell me

he's asleep it's 2

a.m everyone is

asleep

moving swiftly on

i've got some great

tracks to keep those

insomniacs awake and those heavy

drinkers entertained

here's a favorite

of mine from brian

adams

i wanted to see

you in here today

because i've got an exciting new

opportunity for you

i've had jason look

over the numbers and

out of anyone on the

graveyard shift

you've had the highest ratings

what do you say

michael fancy trying

your hand at prime time

oh i'd i'd love to

it's always been a

dream of mine

i won't let you down

so today we have a

very special edition to our show

it's mike oh chill

last night again

ricky

it's michaelson and

i'm not a rookie

your parents named you

michael michaelson

so today mike we're

talking about relics

a particular

relic in fact what

through the grapevine

this morning is that an old

world war ii capsule

has recently been

dug up in frankfurt

so how does this

affect you i know

you're quite the

avid historian oh uh yeah

yeah no i um love uh how the

So you love the holocaust

I hope you know

i'm of german descent

no right no i know

that hands but i'm

just saying are you

hearing this ladies

and gentlemen

our very own mike

michelson love the

holocaust that's not

what i'm saying you

don't understand

oh i understand

perfectly well tell me

mike

would you say

you're anti-semitic

if anyone in his hands

it's you excuse me

nazi nation i think

it's time to go to a

break

let me finish i'm

being invited onto

your show only to

be ridiculed and

bullied into being

made to look like a

racist

i won't have that

well you see no you

think i'm gonna just

sit here while you

attack me

like your bloodthirsty

ancestors did to

the polish

go to news can i offer

you a jaffa cake

no thank you cheese

puff no no it's fine

so why are you

listening to another

radio station oh

scout the competition anyway

after your little

ordeal in there i

think

it's better if you

stay in your comfort

zone we

took a risk on you

being in prime time

well with all due respect sir

hans was pushing me

to the edge you you

basically called him a nazi

well not directly it's

probably best for

you to stay

back in the graveyard

shift where you

belong i'm sorry

it's just already been

a long day please

shout the door on your way out

Jason! oh hey hey

how'’d it go in there

did you give me your

wow factor you get

the job

Were you not listening to the

broadcast? no

why i kind of lost

my call elvis um

no what what happened

you know just for

research purposes i

called someone a nazi

oh and that's not good

no so how did it go in there

did you get fired oh

no no but it looks

like i'm going to

be on the graveyard

shift again

until i'm well

oh dead oh no i was

what do you call it

the graveyard shift

you are an idiot

where is everyone

what's this all about okay

if you're just tuning

in now we've just

got word that the capsule found

in Frankfurt early this

morning was in fact

a nazi weapon that did

contain a deadly gas

capable of causing

cell mutation and

reanimation

the gas is fast spreading

and all across

the globe

people are being

advised to remain

indoors until further

developments

tabloid crap you're

joking right this

sounds fucking serious zombies

I could take him

shut the fuck up ow

sounds pretty dangerous

I'’m going home

jason what the bloody

hell is going on

in here

i believe uh the

news affairs have

flustered some of

your employees sir

they want to be at

home with their

families work's over sir

want to go home

it's the end of the

world is this because

lunch is late

oh come on i'm working

my ass off down

there

stop it how oh come

on calm down guys

why have we gotta be like this

Where's Hans?

he's gone we have to go

i'm sorry carl we've

all suffered quite

a huge loss today

i mean i'm pretty sure

i saw my favorite

pen in hansa's hot

pocket which i lent

him last week

so i think i'm gonna

be getting that

pack

shut you fat fucking idiot

i'm gonna help him no

jesus

well that wasn't very

good that wasn't

very good at all

on a completely

unrelated note i know

this is probably bad

timing but it's

anyone else quite

hungry

oh

oh my god bloody zombies i knew

sir you're on my

desk oh well in that

case

okay team it appears

we're in a bit of a

pickle

my brother just died

and you're calling

this a pickle

mike do you like

pickles i do but

this you know this is

this is quite this

is a bad situation

as i was saying a bit

of a pickle in this trying time

we must be brave we

must be vigilant

we need a leader

someone who we can

look up to someone

who will not be scared

and will not shy

away from any test

in troubling times

such as these we must

unite oh sir um

will you lead us

then what no i can't

do it i've got a

bloody business to run

what

well how can i be the

new co-presenter

if i'm already the

fucking president co-presenter

sir we're in crisis

yes michael crisis

we're a presenter down but

what about the zombies

shut up jason and

get that ham off your face

you know what i'm

about to say merkel

your prime time lad

but i'm not going to

let you do it alone

michael i'm going

to be auditioning

every interested

candidate to be this

beautiful man's co-presenter

line up outside my

office pronto what

does pronto mean

i'm gonna get you mike wait

what oh nothing

nothing okay

christ's alive he's

nuts is he for real

yeah who doesn't know

what pronto means

hang on no i don't

mean simon i mean

charles

oh yes yeah definitely

i should audition

though shouldn't i i

should shouldn't i

yeah i should shouldn't i yeah

all right i'm gonna

go and put in my

radio voice

radio voice radio voice

okay kid's got so much heart

who are you talking to now jason

make sure you make notes on the

candidates there will be a test

[Laughter]

stop lollygagging

and send the first

candidate in

yes sir i am

radio no you're not

leave jason call security

hello

michael what are

you doing in here

you're already in the show

oh no no mike's my

twin brother i'm uh

mark oh that's just

stupid who the fuck

wrote that come on

jason i'm getting so

sick of this have

we got no one

good uh well what

about all right

i'm pretty bored of

what i do now so i

thought i'd give this a go

i'm eric i work in

it i've never seen

this man before in my life

okay i see you're

bored i know exactly

what you need

you need someone

who is charismatic

knows the music industry

you need someone with balls

and i've got balls

no please don't

please don't do it

if you reach out

so i feel like my my

kind of involvement

in this company

after working here

for 12 long fucking

years

um that i would

really be suited for

this new position of a

fucking radio presenter

um and you know

i

i i know this company

inside now like

your mum's vagina

and um i think you

should fucking stop

that

cunt hello sir

hello sam what's

your name my name is

charles

jason sideline

this atrocity of a

human being is also

called charles did

you know we hired

this man

actually no don't

answer that i'm sick

of you being so

shoddy at your job

what have you even

been writing this

whole time show me your notes

jason please go

be more productive

somewhere else and

take this fucking imposter

with you

oh so you nervous

me oh no no this is legacy

and besides i'm going

up against a bunch

of fucking

rejects and a caterer

the biggest of

them all

you raise a good

point so you don't

think i'll get it

no i think a fucking

performing monkey

has a better chance

of getting a job in

radio than you

go back to the

kitchen hawaii five

fucking 0

and let the real

talent do their job

yeah

well i do like food

and yeah well the

radio voice kind of

yeah that's my throat yeah yeah

all right don't fuck off

okay so we need to get some food

everybody take a set

of desks and find

what you can

just so you know we're

not happy about

giving up our food

so we have off-brand

brown flakes two

ready meals

packet of polos um

sorry not quite a

packet of polos the

director's bananas

frozen vegetables um

oh g-strings okay so

the water's still

running there's no

problem there but

even with all this

food it's only gonna

last us

about half an hour so that any

volunteers go down

to the kitchen get

some more well i know

the layout pretty

well and i know all

the best things to

get so maybe

i should go okay but

it's probably best

if you take someone with you

can i help maybe not

you simon you know

with your arm

how did you do that by the way

um I

I fell

yeah anyone oh

maybe I should go but

it's way too scary

I don't know

it's dark i can finally

prove myself to

Mr. H

uh I mean Mr. Haverford

I'’ll go

oh um we're sending

those two out

there's nothing wrong

with that okay

cool

the lights are all

off probably best to

save power

so Elvis where's the

food where's the

delicious food

you're doing a bit

no i was just trying

to make conversation

huh weird it's just you're here

so Jason you got a

wife oh gosh no I

was never really the

marriage type you

know my mom's never

really taught me

the art of seduction

and all that stuff

oh

okay what about you

oh well there was this one girl

um but we fell out

before all of this

started oh

well what happened

between you she said

i reminded her

of her dad charles

she said i'd like it ah

stay strong you know

be positive all

that stuff you know

to play more fish in

the sea

yeah you're you're

all right all right

i'm gonna go and see

if i can go and

open the blind get

some light in here

hey elvis what's with this dog

oh i just died yeah you did

wait what are we

gonna do about that

i don't think it's

in our best interest

i don't think it's

in anyone's best

interest to go and

stab a bunch of zombies

someone's got to

be the hero

no no no elvis no

elves don't elvis i

could be the hero

how about instead we

box this up completely

and don't tell

anyone about anything

agreed food hmm

what the hell i think

there's noise in

here

hello hello

how are you oh good

thanks i mean given

the circumstances i

almost just died but

you know

how are you guys wait

hang on a minute

what are you doing here

we've done so much food

and pasta and bread everything

shut up elvis do

continue i understand

you've been looking for food

i went to

ah yeah so we found so much food

as boxes of bread and

pasta and rice and

there's all sorts

of crisps and all

sorts of all kinds of

food um this is a

little bit rude sir um

Can I get you anything oh

can I get you anything?

um excuse me um

how would you like to be the new

co-presenter

oh it's funny you

should mention that

actually good because

you're on in ten

jason get in the

brief sheet yes sir

what was that

last thing you said

oh um yeah i think

there's some refugees

hanging on the basement what

so that's probably

something that you

should deal with in the next

shit mike

i got the job

well that's that's

great news elvis

congratulations man

yeah i'm really excited

to get started

so what i'm thinking

is uh celebratory drinks

at the lion tonight?

jason could you

come in here please

Urh sir

Bloody Hell Jason

okay jason who are these people

fans admirers of the

show admirers of

me well we're not fans and we're

certainly not admirers

i think we're more

like protesters

because your radio

station's a fucking

joke

oh i see so you're

spies i knew you were

spies who do you

work for who sent

you was it that

bastard mark from

101.5 i knew it was

him who sent you tell me

okay i think it's time

you guys need now

come on

sorry about that guys

he's under a lot

of stress

the kraken we're not

bad people we just

got stuck in the

wrong place at the

wrong time

it's fine it's kind

of the same way i

got my job so

i want to give you

a tour around the

place

okay so before we

begin are you sure

you're not nervous

oh no no no i was

born to do radio

my mum always told me

i had the face for

it

so we're going to

talk about this song

first so

you just take the

back seat this time

let me

do my thing listen to

what i have to say

then maybe you can

have a go after the

next one okay

yeah sure got it boss

no don't touch that

okay it's coming up

okay and that was a

single bullet theory

with

lies i'm your host

mike michaels i'm

your other host

elvis preston but

you can call me the

big ep now today

on the show we're

talking about entertainment

now mike what do you

like to do on the

weekend

elvis what are you

doing oh okay i'll

explain

um big ep because i'm

quite a big fellow

and my name is elvis

no no i mean you're

supposed to listen to me

but i'm just you know

seasoning the pan

a little bit you know

this isn't a steak

the show doesn't get

better if you season it

okay

anyway I really

like to go bowling

okay so we have

albert ben corey dan

edith frank

graham how isaac j cole

lucy maria nigel olivia patricia

quincy rachel sam trevor ursula

victor william xavier

yasmin okay we get

it

and zach that's fine

no one likes zach

anyway

okay right well i'm

adam and these are

no

no this is just the

main office come on

the tour continues let's go

sir i need to talk about elf

hello michael what's

what's going on in

here

nothing i'm just fine okay

well i wanted to talk

to you about elvis

quickly

michael i've got a

lot on my plate at

the moment

quite stressed out

having what the kids

might call a

mental breakdown so uh

i think i'm going

to call it an early

night okay

that was strange

you're the only one

that understands

missing your stuffing

so here's the it

crew they handle all

the technical doodads

keep the station

running smoothly let's

take a peek

oh my god

oh hi we're IT if

you've got any issues

with the computers

just let us know

sorry is there time

for a bathroom break

on this tour

mister call me jason

mr was my mother's

names

anyway toilets all in due course

so this is the men's

bathroom not very

nice don't really like it

and this is the

utopian beauty of the

Ladies room

oh

too many bubbles is

that a man's voice

out there

is everyone here

completely insane

oh my god Karl you scared me

how are you doing today um

i'm okay okay i guess

i mean there was

one thing weighing

down on me but

you're feeling down

try tell that to the

guy whose brother just died

okay then well basically

um you know i'm

over the moon that

mr hatherford has

given me this

opportunity to be on

primetime radio

but you know the thing

is i feel like i

feel like elvis is

overshadowing me a bit maybe

maybe you should kill him

i killed that kid oh okay um

i'm i'm not quite

following though

if i wanted to be

in the limelight

here's

here's what i would do

okay well i think i

think i'm just gonna

i think i'm gonna

disappear now but

you you will disappear

what nothing

nothing

hey you are sir i

have your drink my

mother and me were

abandoned by my

father when i was a boy

there sir tell the

refugees they can

stay

okay yeah the pain

hey

hold on there not now

jeanette i need to

go and talk to elvis

you don't look like

you're in a talking

mood to me i don't

have time for this

you never have time

you never had time

for me there was always

something bigger

that i was getting in the way of

when are you going

to take a step back

and start looking at

the bigger picture

there are people

literally eating each

other outside and

you're worried about

this

seriously is this

really how you felt

i had no idea yes

you were on your ass

before i got you

this job and even then

i would still get

in the way of something

more important

we're all in the same

boat right now you

need to make the

best out of a bad

situation

what huh what were you

even listening to

what i was even saying

oh no no but while you're saying

whatever that was

i had a great idea

i should just make

the best of a bad situation

i shouldn't be so

hard on elvis and i

should worry less

bigger picture jeanette

look i know i may have

stolen the show a

little bit yesterday

but i love throwing

myself into things

and i love being an

entertainer but today

i'm just going to

listen

tell me more about bowling

well the alley i visit

it's amazing they

have these

two for one slush

puppies that are to

die for

you are going to love

them we should go

today

bowling

so that's 10 facts

about grizzly bears

that if you don't

know could kill

you i'm double m and

i'm the big ep and

this is esrock radio

signing off good show today mike

i really think we're

getting better at

this talk show thing anyway

word around the office

is that there's a

party tonight

you know to welcome

the newcomers well i

guess i

really don't have a

choice who did you

hear this from anyway

i'm pretty sure

you've been in here

with me all day

hello magnum hello creepy

shadow dude are you

going to the party

to welcome the newcomers

yeah i guess i am

let's hope nothing

gets slipped into your drink

[Laughter]

how much time does

that guy spend in the

bathroom huh

never mind i guess

i'll see you tonight

though yes

we've got plenty of

booze down in the

pantry it's gonna get

crazy explain to me again

jason why are we

throwing a party morale

the staff need a

morale boost makes

sense

and to welcome the

newcomers yes yes whatever

jason just make sure to lock the

photocopy room when

you're done don't

want any more

backsides on my desk

oh yes sir i'll get

to decorating yes

yes down in the break room

keep it out of my way

that's i don't know

what that means

the break room

the one with the

zombies next door

have it somewhere

else i can't go

against mr haverford

i'm not really seeing

the issue here

jason didn't i tell

you to have this

little

shindig in the break room no

well okay mr hatterford

thank you so much for

allowing us to say

in the safety of your station

i promise you we

won't be any trouble

jason what are these

spies doing here

i know sir we've

already done that yeah

okay enjoy your stay

now let's party

okay so it's called

never have i ever

played it before

how's it going so

basically uh you start by saying

never have i ever uh

done something it

could be like either tame or

absolutely ridiculous

it's just got to

be something you've

never done before

okay never have i ever

had sex with a donkey

whoa well no no no

you've got to try and like catch

somebody out

nobody's going to drink to that

what damn it

like i really wanted

to talk to you

tonight i would love

to have a chat with

you but i'm kind of

all finished so um

you know i'll uh i'm

gonna go fill up

do you uh could you

get me okay okay me

me me no it's me

next my turn really

good

really good one

never have i ever

never have i ever been to prison

well what's all this

there now jolly old

drinking game

we're just playing

a game of never

however so well

go on then i'm over

the hill not under it

go ahead what was the

question uh okay

okay

never have i ever been to prison

you know what where

are those guys from

IT oh those guys are

fucking riot

come on

elvis buddy how's it going mike

recording room now bring booze

never have i ever

killed a man with anything but

my bare hands

hey what do these

buttons do what i

don't know

i don't work here yeah

at s rock radio

hey we got a really

special show today

don't we mike

i think so i brought

a friend along

for the for the show

elvis brought his

friend

oh no no it's fine

they're not gonna get

us

they're not gonna get

us it's okay hello

i'm mr angry eyebrows

he's winking at me

for gooey hello i'm mrs

big eye

what the bloody hell

were you boys doing

there

were you too drunk

are you too drunk

shut up we'll talk

about this in the

morning when you

boys are more sober

oh gosh oh no um

what's wrong with him

it's okay we've got

the bin it's fine

it's fine all right

what what why why

oh my goodness oh no

mike do you think

we're gonna get fired

no no no they can't replace us

we're the best you're the best

no you're the best

stop it stop it i

like working on the

radio

i wonder what

tomorrow will bring i

don't care as long

as i get to spend it

with you

i know one thing

we're going to do

tomorrow

what's that we're

going to go to a shop

i'm going to buy a

wine shop just like

this one

that sounds nice that

sounds really nice

there's only four of

you and one of me

you're outnumbered

what is it sir

what is it sir why are

you out of breath

i i ran here from where

just front of the office

i don't do well before

breakfast can one

of you go and fetch jason for me

well can't you do it i mean

we've got a plan for

today's show aren't

we i'm going to be

honest with you

michael

my trouser situation

is somewhat limited

in that

i'm not wearing any

no trousers jason gather

everyone gather

everyone important and

get them to the meeting room

whilst you're at it

get my trousers i

think they're in

the photocopy room

come on there guys

come on the dynamic

duo

come on how mr hamilton

and last one jason

everybody i have

dreadful news has

someone else died you

found the bodies

i literally don't care

are there zombies

in the building am i

being fired have we

run out of ham

no to all those things

except maybe the

jason one

i have terrible

terrible news has

someone stop

it today's show is

cancelled moving on so

recently our ratings

have plummeted

we need some new ideas

to spice the pan

and until we've got a brilliant

breakthrough that will

make this company

millions we're not

leaving this room

what about lunch and

what about bathroom breaks

eat paper piss

yourself i don't care

people i want ideas

okay so i've been

sitting on this one

for a while

so i think we need to

interact with our

listeners more you

know so i thought

maybe we could introduce

a q a section

to the show

you know where fans

just call it michael

i hate to stop you of all

people in the middle

of a sentence but

how much writing

is on that paper

um that's it

i've got it well

boy don't keep it

locked up tell us

characters what

characters what like

ace ventura pet

detective

wait wait elvis

you can't just say

the word again you

have to explain

what you mean well

i can do voices

lots of accents etc

maybe we could put

some of those in the show

i know i'm going to

regret asking this

but

can you give us some

examples um yeah

hello i am bjorn ironfood

and this is s-rock radio

yeah elvis i'm not

going to lie to you

but i

fucking love that idea

you mean you love

it

no no i loathe it you mean love

loathe i'm hearing

love i'm not saying

love i'm saying low

are you saying you

love it

no love you love the idea yes

no hello

eight he hates e yes you love it

okay obviously let's

skip forward here i

fucking hate that idea

oh well what about

jason get out but so

sorry force of habit

elvis get out

okay nobody tell him

but that idea is

fucking golden

how'd it go fellow

swedes my name is

bjorn enfort and

today we are talking

about swedish meatballs and ikea

you know the characters

i did didn't

really work uh

jurassic Drew 20

tweeted saying be

online for

more like kill yourself

any other ideas

what about no anyone

else what about

murder sorry a game

show wait what did

you say first

he said a game show

michael weren't you

listening

so how's this game

show gonna work see

look

i've got the clip on my laptop

we're going to have

some fun tonight

that was uh that shit

i think we can all

agree that was bloody

horrifying and won't

be used in our show

that isn't the bathroom

to this building

how long have you had that

okay that's enough

more ideas people

come on

what about anyone else

how i still don't

care what why is this

happening

how what is it that

you do around here

he's our field reporter

one of the best damn

journalists we've

got around this place

it's okay hal you got

me ideas you just

yell them out

don't stress yourself

though yeah i

wasn't going to anyways

what boring thing

to report about

fields i've got it wow

this will be good

radio dramas they're

always popular

wait hang on in what

universe are radio

dramas popular

thanks mai but

probably best to leave

this to the professionals

you know the

ones who didn't get

the job because

their predecessor died

carl where are you

going oh uh i thought

with the whole

predecessors thing

you know jerry news

jerry

bit awkward but jerry didn't die

he moved to australia

oh yeah of course

he did

anyway back to my

idea radio dramas oh

right well i'm sorry

i just didn't

realize that our

audience were 900

fucking years old

i'm intrigued

so after my original

broadcast it got a

lot of attention

both good and bad

he's over there

get him not today

partner he's over there fire

Engage

well that was messy

But in short the only

broadcasting radio

Anyone?

literally any idea

at all what about no anything

Charles listen

what did you just

say to me sir i'm

i'm sorry for raising

my voice but i'm a

little tired of you

not letting me

voice my opinions

okay i'll humor you

let's hear your bright idea does

everyone want to

hear jason's bright

idea

okay we're all listening

okay well i've

compiled a list of

well off the top of my head

inspirational quotes

this will be good

such as oh i've got a good one

always be your best you

um the only ship that won't sink

is friendship nope stupid

for god's sake let's

just go with mike's

idea we'll get people

to do q a at home

it's that simple how

that is brilliant i

can always rely on

you

right so first we're

gonna do a test

call to see if everything's okay

yep okay

did she just say testicle

just shh okay

oh a caller it's

jeanette oh yeah right

the testicle

yes the testicle hello caller

hello do you give

advice on your show

mike uh

sure okay so i'm

having some troubles

with an ex

and i want to talk

to him and bury the

hatchet as it were

and he just avoids me

at all costs worst

part is we work together

and he won't listen

to me well that is a

tricky one

that's not ideal at

all perhaps some

soothing music will

help i don't think

so

i think i just need

to talk to him i'm

so sorry caller

but we only have a

certain amount of

time for every call

so i'm gonna have to

i'm gonna have to cut

you off there yeah

i'm sorry wait

mike don't hang up

i miss you

that was awkward

wow that was good

how are you always

such a hit with the ladies

oh my god we actually

have a caller oh

shit oh shit oh shit

come on mike we've

done it before

naturals

hello hello oh shit please

sushi come on you

must be a seafood man

mike

elvis please if there's

somebody there

hello

yeah yeah we're

here thank the lord

where are you

who are you with who

are you with no one

i'm alone and there's

people chasing

after me

okay well i'm elvis

and this is my best

buddy in the entire world

and his name is mikey

no it isn't yes it

is

and we are hosts of

the popular radio

station

s rock you must have heard of us

that's not surprising

why did you call

then

because i'm stranded

and there are

people chasing oh shit

hello hello

maybe he got shy i

get shy sometimes

like when i have to

call for pizza or

when i have to call

the doctors for my

pizza addiction

what we gonna do he

seemed like he was

in some real danger

you can start

with both of you getting to mr

haliford's office

boys let's get down to business

i forgot to put on a

belt this morning

rookie mistake

enough of this nonsense

had this bloody itch

for about an hour

so your belt

stop it that really hurt michael

i don't know what

you're laughing about

it's my show now no

hey mr h

it's not loaded sir

you were gonna shoot

me

useless shit

that show was awful

i thought when you

said outside callers it would be

fun it is fun yeah

just give us one more

chance

okay one more

hello

and who the fuck are

you three rude we

live here

yeah we're the

protesters we've been

kind of hanging out

in your pantry well

that's a shitty name

for a cover band

we were protesting

in station when the

things just say

zombies when those

zombies started

attacking

we're not happy to

be here but safe is

safe so you guys

aren't big fans of

the station though

hence why we're protesting

yeah well some recent

events here have

made my life a bit

frustrating as well

so okay so why are

you telling us this

well cause i have a plan

so how's barbados

oh good good you

looked hand

oh how's mike how's the kids

we never had kids

anyway how's things

yeah great good i kind

of wanted to talk

to you about something actually

you know girl girl

talk yep i am hr

just tell me about

your problems pour it

out girl uh it's kind

of about the party

you know from last

night no not really

well it got me into

a little bit of a

sexual predicament so

you banged someone

so what i've been there

just pop a coupler and

uh you'll be fine

anyway i'm just gonna

go somewhere just

got a meeting carl

maybe you could help i am

so disinterested in

what you're about to

say right now i

just don't bother

just don't bother

don't screw this one up yet

hello caller where

the fuck have you

been

oh gosh not this guy

again no he can

hear you you're

supposed to cover the

mic

not me the microphone

hello what's going

on there oh sorry

caller

may we call you caller it's john

actually

oh sorry caller we

were just being told

off by our boy

we were just on a coffee break

bickering

game yes game call it

john how would you

like to win a fresh uh

blockbuster voucher

to to rent one of

five films for a whole day

what blockbuster has

been close but i'm

about to die

just answered this

simple question

caller john how

are whisks

constructed yes how are whisks

constructed

john whisks is it

babies b

magic or

c

wagic well first of all

wagic isn'’t even a

and secondly

why the fuck are

you helping me i'm

afraid that's not

the answer we're

looking for jonathan

no it isn't such a

shame you two are fucking morons

no need to get cranky

yeah just because

you lost yeah john

john what kind of

name is john anyways

john gianna

oh i'm john i'm a

businessman oh john

i'm a ponce

he's gone dead

boys boys boys my

boys boys boys and boys

you really liked it sir elvis i

really really did

well thank god for

that what

that show was nothing short of

excellent sir jeanette

i really don't

see why you felt the

need to report this

to me

what

oh and boys the answer was c

wagic nailed it

oh god

oh maria there you

are freddie is a

friend right now oh

no i'm just i'm going

to take a minute

fuck all right go on then

the whole divorce

thing going on i'm

just so emotional right now

and the show starts

turning to shit and

i'm the only

professional one around

here

that's not bad enough

already the world

is being overtaken

by brainless fucking

morons

men no i meant the

zombies out there oh

no right yeah and

i'm with you now

although now you

mentioned that they are

quite similar aren't they

yeah i mean they

both walk around

aimlessly with no

purpose they both

constantly moan

about anything and

everything

right and they both

smell like shit

oh hello

i don't mind mean

ladies nature calls

oh gosh where are my

man manners i'm calm

fuck lita coleta

mr haverford hired

me to run recon on

for the company silly

me um maria you

said something about a meeting

carl must really be

going through some

stuff that was carl

i don't understand

why we're still here

well we're here

charlie because

we're safe from the

outside environments

besides taking them

and down from the

inside well i think it's a

stupid plan i certainly

don't feel safe

here and that coal

guy definitely has

something wrong with him

hey i'm in charge here

who died and made

you in charge hey

you'll be dead in a

minute adam jokes

thought that aren't

funny anymore

would you stop arguing

well i don't have

to stay here and

take this anymore

what door's that way then

we should put him

out of his misery

we did really well

today elvis yeah

thanks em dude that's just

no

there are zombies

in the building

i know this is a big

issue and we'll

deal with it real

soon but mike oh

please stop asking

me out on dates

brunch

adam haley i'm sorry

for your loss but

unfortunately we have

very little time

to mourn uh stop it

because we have a

very pressing matter

shouldn't charles

be here you know

considering he's like

the boss oh um charles

is a little busy

please stop worrying

about it michael

i've got jason on hold with the

exterminators now

jason what song are

they playing i uh

i don't really recognize

it sir i don't

really know it

well hamm it okay uh it's going

something like

something like that

which led us to here

mike you are a terrible

storyteller oh

okay

wake up please oh god sorry

look guys i know

we're all tired but

there are zombies in

the building and we

need to unite

and find a way to

find a way to get

rid of them so does

anyone have

any ideas on how we

can solve this issue

oh oh okay elvis go

maybe we should ask

the texts they seem

like they'd be good at

killing things

text killers i could

drop those nerds in

a second

elvis do you want

to go and grab him

okay what now oh

fine i will go as i

seem to be the only

stable one around here

seriously you um

yeah what about

that time that you

screamed obscenities

at a five pound

note because the

queen looked at you

funny

jeanette please how

about when you cried

at march of the penguins

hey come on that

film is an emotional

roller coaster

they're birds that

want to be fish see

my point

none of us here are

entirely stable

given the circumstances

whatever someone needs to go and

everyone here is

currently driving me

insane

hey guys i know it's

late but see we've

got a bit of an issue

one of the pro

there must be

something i can do to

destroy these

bastards

hi carl what

what do you want you consider

us friends right no okay

well i consider you

a friend friend

excellent

i don't care right

well i've been

thinking about the

zombie issue for a

few days now and

i think it's a simple fix what

we only found out

about the zombies a

few hours ago well

jason and i knew

about them since we

went to get food

from the pantry and

you didn't tell

anyone

we were frightened

well that elvis

gives me an idea why

don't you come join

the meeting then

i'd rather not i need to

plan something

okay see you later then

oh my god

mike but buddy you okay

the text this there's something

there's something wrong

with them i told

you

sorry

oh my god mike

just pull yourself

together

and everyone else

working together to

come up with a

collective solution to

solve the problem is

the only way we're

going to survive

well we need something

that's you know

like

long and thin and

stabby that we can

just

we can just them with

you know such as

well what about this

thing oh there's no

what what about fire

that does not sound

safe well we get one

of the food boxes

we fill it with paper and other

flammable stuff and we just

throw it into the

kitchen that's great a

great way to burn down

the whole station

elvis you're really

more of a doer than

a thinker

thanks well i don't

see you coming up

with any more ideas jeanette

i don't know there's

another way into

the lobby maybe someone

could bait them

outside

that is crazy plus

who's gonna go for

that

really that's pretty

damn racist guys oh

no we didn't mean

oh we were just

looking that way

it was really just a

coincidence oh good

because you know

what happens to all

those black guys in

the horror movies i

wouldn't last a second

okay well it's still

a terrible idea

we're not putting one

of our own at risk

you know i'm still

thinking my weapon

idea is golden weapons

does anyone have a

gun if i had a gun

i'll use it on all of you

we need to just think of all the

possibilities don't we

i'm going to go to

the bathroom because

that's where i get

some of my best

thinking done

and by the time i get

back i want to see

some ideas

okay

i'm still with fire

this won't do

shit empty you've had

a gun this whole

time

but that's not really

what's important

at the moment it's

empty so are you

here to make more of

your weird comments Karl

no michael i just

thought you might want

to know something

about your little

friend elvis

okay so it turns out

he knew about this

zombie dilemma since

the very start hey

what

hang on no elvis

wouldn't do that why

don't you

talk to him and find

out yourself okay

carl you know you're

a dick right yeah

just stop hanging

out in the men's

bathroom because it's

it's really creeping people out

mike we're sorting it

oh really i didn't

expect that so soon

what's the plan then

just gonna leave them

leave the zombies

the bloodthirsty

man-eaters yeah like

you said it's not so

much but one of our

own at risk

and it's not an

immediate problem i

assume zombies have to eat

so eventually they'll

either clear off

or starve

that actually makes sense

have you you've seen

elvis hey buddy

what's up

did you know about

the zombies in the

kitchen beforehand oh

yeah oh elvis what

the hell what do you

mean what the hell

you knew about the

human eating monsters

in our building and

you didn't think to

tell anyone

didn't think it was

that important how

how could you possibly think

that it's not that

important they could

literally devour us in seconds

and you didn't think

it was important

elvis you put

everyone at risk and

i know sometimes

you can be stupid

but this this is something else

mike why why are you

being like this

because elvis

this was just idiotic

i'm so angry with you

i'm livid come on

buddy how about i buy

you dinner tonight

make it up to you

in the early hours

of this morning

i received a disturbing email

attached was a sickening

image which i

can

only assume has been

passed around the

office to humiliate

i don't want to out

the person but what

i will say is that

it was of the naked

variety

but our leader of

hr maria stop it

and i will be leading a full

investigation and seminar

into finding out who

the scoundrel was

that did it

oh i thought charles

was going to be

here for the interviews too

yeah charles didn't

really work out oh

so it's just me

friendly maria from hr

i sent charles to

do the seminars is

that a good idea

jeanette told me she

slept with someone

at that party and

it's my job to find

the sick guy who

sent that picture of her what

yes and since you're

her husband well

technically

ex-husband not what

i've got written

down i think

there's been some

crossed wires anyway

since you're her

ex-husband you are

prime suspect

um why would i

want to sleep with

janette i mean we're

not even together

anymore

and between you and

i everything's

confidential

mike she's a bitch crikey

okay anyway you can

ask elvis we were

together that night

mike mentioned me yes did he

seem happy we just

answered the question

elvis

oh yeah we were

together that night

we cuddled we did

not cuddle okay

mike look we know we

went through a bit

of a rough patch

but best friends

always make it through

these kinds of

things just leave me

alone elvis

mike was what i did

really that bad you

neglected to tell us that

zombies had flooded the building

we're still in the

same position as we

were in before

i'm not talking to

elvis i don't i don't

want to hear your voice

we have our show to

do in 10 minutes but

then

i'm not talking to you

hello um eric

eric yes eric, Eric from

from eric from it

are the worst hr manager yeah

uh so where were you

the night of the

party oh um

simon andrew and i

we were having a

blast look i don't

know about anything

you're asking me

but while you're here

you've got to help

me eric

and andrew are

psychopaths they've been

experimenting with me

in that room got that room

yeah um simon makes

a lot of stuff up

i think he's got chronic

lois disease or

something but you

don't know anything

about the email

um no right

can i get back to

work now wait can't

you just check the email service

holy should i tell you i'm fine

don't worry they're

just acting out

macbeth i'll get to

checking the emails

now

promise me you're not

going to yell at

me during this no

no just be quiet i

want to listen to the

music

how how did you find

out about the thing

carl told me

not that it's important

okay and that

song was punk rocker for a day

by single bullet

theory here at s rock

radio we like to

bring you the best

tunes and the best chats

live throughout the

day here at s rock

radio we are a pretty

tight community i

wouldn't say the

people working here with me

are my colleagues i

would say that they

are my friends

yes but i don't see

how that's relevant

you know i feel like

it's it's really

important for the

fans to get a real

feel of what's going

on around here you

know

stimulate all the

senses okay fine yes

we here at srock

radio are a close

community

with a few minor

exceptions mike i

really don't want to

go into this right

now i think we should

anyway listeners here

are some adverts

but we'll be right back with you

very shortly elvis

what the hell was

that

mike i just want to

be friends again

it's nice having someone

to come to with

all your problems

don't you agree yes i

agree but not when

that person does

nothing for you in

return

i don't understand elvis just go

i i'd rather you

weren't here right now

fine

i'll go and make

friends with someone

else

safety in the workplace by me

your leader and

dreamweaver charles

r haverford

safe what does it stand for

s feeling

a safe

f in your e

professional work

environment um that

doesn't seem like it holds up

please

in this three-hour

seminar i will

explain

why you are wrong

and i am right okay

i'm going to need

to speak to jason

next i really don't think it's

jason talk to me next

you know anything

to get me out of

this shit well

fuck this i'm going

bye you wanted to

get this over pretty

sharpish anything

you want to say

yeah okay what

good one you know

we take things like

this pretty seriously carl

um isn't that a half

empty bottle of

wine

by your feet you know

right right there

carl just confessed

you got the most

reasons to do this

michael already gave

a convincing alibi

which was he

said i was with elvis

and jeanette is a

bitch

yeah true and anyway

what better way to

get back at mike

than to sleep with

his ex-wife again

true

so you're gonna confess

and that's why

i got decommissioned from naam

any questions no

no questions till the end

so we found the culprit

and i warn you

this will not be taken lightly

we all know that

the picture was of

jeanette's what

shh sherlock's doing her work

but sherlock's a man

zing shut the fuck

up

anyway the uh picture

was of jeanette so

really there is only

a handful of people

it could be

a handful of people

that were stooped so

low as to sleep with her

hey i mean who could

get someone like

you sister

not better my prime

suspects were mike

and

carl and mike's

alibi was airtight

he said you were a

bitch hey you said

that was confidential

you actually said

that

maria yeah i just

slipped out i'm such a

gossip

wait so who was it

it was carl i said

that

so at the end of

the day it was all

elementary my dear what please

please stop that hang

on carl you slept

with my ex-wife

wife technically not

important also it

wasn't carl

and mike did you

seriously call me a

bitch he's got a point and

of course it was you

were just too drunk

to remember oh so you

raped my ex-wife

that makes things so much better

everybody shut up

it was me you slept

with jeanette no no

it was me

it was jason oh fuck

we were very drunk

at the party and and

it's not a regular

thing and and mike

i'm really sorry

and you sent her picture i am so

confused oh

no now it makes sense

the picture wasn't

of jeanette it was

jason

okay now is the time

any questions

i think we found

ourselves a new own

boys

the building looks

secure from here

with these weapons

we'll siege it in no

time

uh boss i think my gun

is jammed did you

leave the safety on

yeah i think i have done more on

right we'll rest here

tonight and take

the station

tomorrow at dawn

but wouldn't it be

easier to just sneak

in during the night

we've been watching

too many movies

kiddo we need our strength

we rest and eat

tonight we make our

attack tomorrow

make sure you don't

leave any ammo lying

around you don't

think it's going to

take that much

firepower to overthrow

them do your boss

yeah we've seen their

show

they don't seem all

that smart never

underestimate

these goons are just

the faces of the

company i bet whoever's

running it's a

bloody lunatic come

on jason jason come

us you on fucking idiot bye

oh no no i demand a

rematch oh we won

fair and square now give us the

cheesecake heatherford

you sh you donkey nugget sucking

*Rambling continues*

stop bleeping me

wow guys now that was

something special

look i'm trying to

make some new friends

uh and i know you

used to be a trio

until the other guy

horrifically died

excuse me sir um how do you keep

changing

suits out of my way

michael i'm sulking

why shut up sorry old boy just

a little tied down

at the moment got

pressing matters at

hand like the fact

that i've got a

useless wheelie chair

race partner

um with all due

respect sir there are

still

zombies in the building

that do need to

be dealt with ah yes

the insects scuttling

around the place

like they pay

rent i put my heart

and soul into this

company michael

and nobody around here takes it

seriously

what the hell was that

probably the wind

or a

bug or something i

don't care anymore

i'll get a grip

i beg y'all are you

gonna stop whining

like a little shit

and finally admit

that the world is fucked

the rest of us have

come on we need to

start actually acting

like we want to

survive

and we can start

by investigating

whatever the hell that noise was

okay fine if it'll humor you

shit it's actually

quite nice in here

i don't know it could

do with a bit of a

hoover shut up

so where do we start

boss you boys

better stick together

we don't want this

one getting in trouble

or doing the fucking housework

right boys off you go

if you find anything

radio me i'm gonna

see if i can take him

down from the top

come on see michael

i told you it was nothing fine

but you know you

can never be too

careful considering

the circumstances

well whatever what

if any cocky bastard

tried to sabotage

my radio station

such as mark from

101.5

i'd give him the old do-over

with this beauty oh my god wait

that's not another

stapler is it you

tell me

jesus christ beautiful isn't she

mortal back from now oh sheila

wait so you're telling

me that you've

had firearms in this office

the entire time we

could have been

defending ourselves

we could have

prevented multiple

casualties please

michael don't ever

react

you don't need

firearms to solve a

rodent problem oh

stop it they are flesh

eating monsters they

will kill you in

seconds if they get the chance

how many guns do you

have in there lots

lots

what does lots mean

i mean i've got a

fucking armory in this draw

so mike's told us

that you have weapons

oh i didn't know you're carrying

concealed weapons sir

i have more than one

they're different

sizes and colors

too we start with sheila a pg-13

an h2o a stabby stabby a wd-40

an e45 a hitty hitty stick

another stabby stabby an orb

mr and mrs h oh

and this

oh we each get a gun

that way if intruders

try to storm the

station we have

maximum protection oh okay

oh oh you idiot

i'm not mad jason i'm just

disappointed oh thank god okay

no now i'm mad just

take your weapons

and bagger off out of my office

i've never held a

gun before it's

heavier than i thought

jesus jason

we've got one in pink no no

pink oh compensating

for something

jason is now the

time really to be

making penis jokes

no i was talking about

your arms skinny

arms

he is right there you

are unbelievably

skinny

wait where's the ammo

the ammo

great no guns then

oh shit who were

they mark from 101.5

I knew it

right everyone quietly quietly

follow me out of the office

hey boss they're over there

fire at them boys

boss roma's move

come on quick hurry

get inside go

quicker

go

well that was close

mike i just wanna no

elvis don't

i'm sorry for getting

so angry i know

you're scared

we all are i hope you

can forgive me for

getting so mad

boys wait where did

you go i'm losing

faith here

i'm starting to think

this was a bad

idea

shit

he was right behind

us as following well

he's not here now is

he jeanette why do

you think

i'm in charge of

everybody you're the

boss everyone knows you're the

controlling one who

does everything

around here i'm just

the one who funds

this

mickey mouse clubhouse

stop arguing

they're going to hear

us i agree in the

trench

enough about the war

elvis you seem to

be the only person

who's thinking

logically around here

stop making that noise

mike's right we've

got to be quiet

i recognize that whiny

and muffled voice

anywhere

open the door

why do you recognize

it as muffled

probably best not to ask

did you see any people

there i'm pretty

sure that was just zombies

well well if it's only

zombies i'm gonna

re-suggest a jabbing idea

whatever you've got

to do you'd better

do it fast

hello

hello i've been

trying you guys for

hours now

hello

jason you have to

tell us what happened

he's not well michael

can't you see

what if he's been bit

what's a harmless

bug bite going to do

but sir then don't

you're only going to

stress charles out

if you put the idea

of jason

turning into his head

agreed but we do

need to think about

a way out of here

what about this vent

so who's going in there

it's going to be

a tough job it'll

have to be someone

small and slender

guys stop i know what

you're suggesting

someone brave strong

slender I'’ll go

no no no no

michael it'll either

have to be you or

jeanette

for god's sake

can you repeat that

elvis i said no code

names

and why you mighty elephant

elvis elvis you there

you have to say over over

let's tell stories

why to keep the mood

up

what kind of stories

i don't know anyone

got

anything in the

chamber speaking of

chambers in the trenches

uh jeanette how did

your mic meet we met

at bar

and he asked me to dance it's

only a few years ago

actually things

pass so soon it's

weird to think

about oh all right

i hope everyone else

is okay does anyone

know why carl went

you all know why he

didn't get the job

as co-presenter right

no why he cried in the audition

it only been about a

day since he lost

his brother yet the

guy tried for it

yes he's a creepy

fucker hangs around in

bathrooms women's or

men's wears women's

clothes and

let's be honest there's

probably a long

list of reasons why

he's so creepy

but that guy's tougher

than you think

he's been through hell

and he's remained

strong

things are getting

deep in here i think

we need more stories

oh boy i think what

you need to do is

help me

i'm coming to the end

of the event now

mike that event

ends in the kitchen

it's the only place

i've ever seen

another one like it

over i'm sorry i

didn't expect there to

be so many of them

where are you hello

hello

oh shit

oh no

I'’m not sure this

is just a bug bite

i don't think jason's

gonna last much

longer give me that

mike you need to be

quick we need you to

help us

i think jason's dying

and we all know

what happens when someone

you know jeanette

please if i'd wanted

you to rent down the

phone to me i would

have stayed married to you

zing over can you be serious

can you put elvis back on please

mike what's cracker

lacking over yeah

i'm okay but there's

a bit of a problem

is oh right shit yeah sorry

i forgot you can't see

what i can see um

yeah there's a bunch

of zombies in the

kitchen

mike you can do this

you need to find a

way of getting rid of them

kill them heard

them out anything i

believe in you

best friend thanks

man over and out

well we need something

that's you know

like

long and thin and stabby

jason don't fall asleep

stay away from the

light we're gonna

have to do something

about that we're

going to do nothing about it

let the boy die in

peace god knows he's

deserved it

for all the shit

that you've put him

through whilst he's worked here

none of you paid him

even a smidgen of

respect and now look he's gonna

die in a cupboard but sir

don't but sir me

I have all the respect

in the world for

this man and now he's

gonna turn into a

fucking

maniac in my arms

so what is it son i'm fine

no jason you're dying

i think i'll be

okay

what sir i think he's

okay shut up woman

you're no doctor

Jason weren't you bitten?

bitten?

I mean I know i'm a

bit of a drama queen

but you know I only

hit my arm on the

desk

i thought you were

dying we thought

you were dying i uh i

don't do well with

pain

you did it you actually

fucking did it

yeah i did i really

didn't expect that

from

you huh

did you see him

out there no carl but listen

carl let me

no mike i've got this

oh everything seems

all right and the

office is intact too

mike buddy oh god

i hope he's okay

oh i'm glad

everything's okay again

Jason I know we all

said some things in

there oh no sorry

it's okay I I just

want everything to go

back to normal

okay good well in that

case you're fired

oh

Elvis Mike

you did it yeah why'd

you have to do it

in the kitchen though

A caterers kitchen

is his home didn't

really have a

choice though did I

no i guess not should

we go and meet the

others yeah go on then

what's that dunno all

right no no wait

is anybody receiving this

Hello?

This is the official Government

emergency radio

to any and all survivors

help is on the way

yay