Dave Foley: Relatively Well (2013) Movie Script

OH, KEEP IT GOING.

KEEP IT GOING.

KEEP IT... KEEP IT GOING.

SERIOUSLY, KEEP IT GOING.

KEEP IT GOING.

YOU'RE NOT KEEPING IT GOING.

KEEP IT GOING!

KEEP IT GOING.

EVERYONE ELSE

IS KEEPING IT GOING.

YOU KEEP IT GOING TOO.

KEEP IT GOING OR

YOU'LL ALL FUCKING DIE.

I SWEAR TO GOD,

YOU'LL ALL DIE

IF YOU DON'T KEEP IT...

KEEP IT GOING!

OR, I SWEAR TO GOD,

WE'LL ALL... KEEP IT GOING!

WE'LL ALL FUCKING DIE.

I SWEAR... KEEP IT GOING!

KEEP IT GOING!

THAT'S A MOVIE IDEA

I'M WORKING ON.

UH, IT'S CALLED

KEEP IT GOING.

IT'S ABOUT A NIGHTCLUB MC

WHO HAS TO, UH...

HE HAS TO KEEP IT GOING,

OR A BOMB'S GONNA GO OFF.

I THINK IT'S GONNA BE HUGE.

I THINK IT'LL BE HUGE.

WHAT ELSE CAN I TELL YOU?

I'M NOT GAY.

THERE YOU GO, I'M NOT GAY.

I'M JUST PUTTING IT OUT THERE,

I'M NOT GAY.

UH, SORRY, LADIES,

I'M NOT GAY.

AND I KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE

THINK I'M GAY.

A LOT OF PEOPLE THING ALL OF

THE KIDS IN THE HALL ARE GAY,

AND I GET THAT,

'CAUSE, YOU KNOW,

WE DID A LOT OF GAY STUFF.

WELL, WE DID A LOT

OF GAY MATERIAL IS WHAT WE DID.

WE DID...

ALTHOUGH, TO BE FAIR,

ONE OF US DID DO

A LOT OF GAY STUFF.

I THINK...

I'M PRETTY SURE SCOTT

COMPLETED HIS CHECKLIST.

HE CAN RETIRE

OR BECOME STRAIGHT.

THOSE ARE HIS OPTIONS NOW.

BUT I'M NOT GAY.

AND THAT'S GOOD,

'CAUSE, UH,

'CAUSE BEING GAY IS WRONG.

BECAUSE GOD...

GOD HATES GAYS.

UH, ANYONE HERE GAY?

OH!

GOD HATES YOU.

SORRY, I HOPE I'M NOT

THE FIRST ONE TO TELL YOU.

I'M SORRY.

THAT'S KIND...

THAT'S KIND OF A BIG DEAL,

GOD HATING YOU AND ALL.

I PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE, LIKE,

TAKEN YOU ASIDE

AND TOLD YOU PRIVATELY.

JUST LANDING IT RIGHT

ON YOUR LAP IN FRONT OF PEOPLE,

THAT'S RUDE.

PROBABLY PLANNED, "OH, I'M GOING

TO GO OUT AND SEE DAVE FOLEY.

IT'LL BE FUN.

WHAT? GOD HATES ME?"

BUT HE DOES.

GOD HATES YOU, AND IT'S SAD.

MAKES ME FEEL BADLY FOR GOD,

BECAUSE GOD'S BEEN CREATING THE

UNIVERSE FOR A LONG TIME NOW,

AND HE HATES THE GAYS,

BUT HE CAN'T SEEM

TO STOP MAKING 'EM.

THAT'S GOT TO BE

FRUSTRATING FOR GOD.

HE'S UP THERE IN HEAVEN

MAKING SOULS,

AND ONE OUT OF TEN

KEEPS COMING OUT GAY.

UP THERE IN HIS WORKSHOP,

JUST, OH, MAKING SOULS.

HERE WE GO. SEVEN, EIGHT,

NINE... AW, FUCK, IT'S GAY.

OH, WELL, JUST KEEP FOCUSED.

SEVEN, EIGHT... OH, FUCK,

ANOTHER GAY ONE.

THIS IS BULLSHIT.

BUT IT'S... I MEAN,

IT'S NOT LIKE HE, LIKE,

TAKES RESPONSIBILITY

FOR IT.

IT'S NOT LIKE HE, YOU KNOW,

GOES... COMES OUT AND SAYS,

"HEY. GOD. I'M HERE,

AND I'M SORRY.

"I KEEP MAKING ALL THESE GAY

SOULS, AND I DON'T MEAN...

"'CAUSE YOU KNOW

I HATE THE FAGS.

"YOU'VE READ

THE PLACARDS, UH,

"THAT MY CHOSEN

SPOKESPEOPLE CARRY

"TO MILITARY FUNERALS

FOR SOME REASON.

"YOU KNOW I HATE THEM,

BUT I CAN'T SEEM...

"WE HAVE SOME... IT'S

A PROBLEM IN PRODUCTION.

WE'RE WORKING ON IT,

BUT RIGHT NOW I CAN'T HELP IT."

INSTEAD HE COPS OUT

AND MAKES EXCUSES

THE WAY HE ALWAYS DOES

WHEN HE FUCKS UP.

HE ALWAYS THROWS IT BACK ON THE

SAME BULLSHIT ANSWER, YOU KNOW.

"IT'S FREE WILL."

IT'S LIKE,

"GOD, WHY IS THERE EVIL?"

"IT'S FREE WILL.

MY HANDS ARE CLEAN."

IT'S FREE WILL.

WE NEED EVIL TO APPRECIATE

THE GOOD, WHICH IS BULLSHIT.

I THINK I WOULD

TOTALLY APPRECIATE A WORLD

WHERE NOTHING SHITTY

EVER HAPPENED.

I'D BE FINE WITH THAT.

I WOULD BE SO FINE.

I DON'T THINK I'D EVER GET BORED

AND START GOING, "OH, I WISH

"I COULD EXPERIENCE PAIN

AND SUFFERING.

"I MEAN, 'CAUSE I REALLY ENJOY

EATING MY PIE RIGHT NOW,

"BUT, YOU KNOW, IMAGINE HOW MUCH

MORE I WOULD APPRECIATE MY PIE

"IF PEOPLE GOT AIDS.

"I MEAN, IF YOU JUST COMPARE

HAVING AIDS TO EATING PIE,

"THEN YOU REALIZE

HOW GOOD IT IS TO EAT PIE.

IT'S WORTH THE SACRIFICE."

BUT GOD SAYS IT'S NOT

HIS PROBLEM, IT'S CHOICE.

IT'S FREE WILL.

THAT'S WHY IT'S NOT A CIVIL

RIGHTS ISSUE, GAY RIGHTS.

IT'S NOT A CIVIL RIGHTS ISSUE,

'CAUSE IT'S A CHOICE.

PEOPLE ARE

CHOOSING TO BE GAY.

WHICH SEEMS STRANGE, 'CAUSE IF

YOU'RE CHOOSING TO BE GAY,

THEN IT MUST BE A CHOICE

TO BE STRAIGHT.

'CAUSE YOU GOT TO HAVE

AT LEAST TWO CHOICES

FOR A CHOICE TO EXIST.

THAT'S HOW CHOOSING WORKS,

YOU KNOW?

SO, IF GAY IS A CHOICE,

THEN STRAIGHT MUST LOGICALLY

ALSO BE A CHOICE,

AND AS A STRAIGHT MAN,

I DON'T FEEL THAT WAY ABOUT IT.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T FEEL LIKE

I'M CHOOSING TO BE STRAIGHT.

I DON'T FIND MYSELF AT THE END

OF THE DAY GOING, "HEY, DAVE,

"WHAT A LOT OF GREAT CHOICES

YOU MADE TODAY.

"WAY TO NOT SUCK A COCK

ALL DAY.

"AWESOME CHOOSING, DAVE.

"WHEN YOU GOT HOME

AND WATCHED TV,

"WAY TO NOT DO IT IN THE ARMS

OF A LOVING MAN.

WELL DONE, DAVE.

I'M PROUD OF YOU."

YOU KNOW, SO I DON'T FEEL

THAT WAY ABOUT IT, YOU KNOW?

SO I'M THINKING, LIKE,

IF YOU ARE A STRAIGHT MAN,

AND YOU DO FEEL LIKE THAT

YOU'RE CHOOSING TO BE STRAIGHT

ALL THE TIME,

GUESS WHAT? YOU'RE GAY,

JUST GAY.

AH. BUT AS I SAID,

I'M... I'M NOT GAY.

MM-MMM. I'M NOT.

A LOT OF TIMES,

I WISH I WAS GAY,

UH, OR STRAIGHTER,

UM, OR STILL EXCITED

ABOUT FUCKING.

I GUESS THAT'S WHAT I WISH.

I WISH FUCKING STILL EXCITED ME

THE WAY IT USED TO, YOU KNOW?

'CAUSE I'M AT A POINT IN MY LIFE

NOW WHERE WHEN I'M FUCKING,

I'M JUST HOPING ONE OF US COMES

BEFORE I GET WINDED.

THAT'S...

THAT'S THE HEIGHT OF MY AMBITION

RIGHT NOW.

TO ME, FUCKING IS LIKE BEING

AT BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN CONCERT,

WHERE I GO,

"OH, THIS IS AWESOME.

"I CAN'T WAIT TILL IT'S OVER

AND WE'RE TALKING ABOUT

WHAT A GOOD TIME WE HAD."

YOU KNOW?

'CAUSE LIKE, WHEN YOU'RE YOUNG,

YOU'LL, LIKE, TRY

ALL KINDS OF DIFFERENT

POSITIONS, 'CAUSE IT'S HOT.

I MEAN, "YEAH, LET'S FUCK

UPSIDE DOWN IN THE FRIDGE."

BUT IF I'M TRYING

DIFFERENT POSITIONS NOW,

IT'S JUST 'CAUSE

I'M SEARCHING FOR ONE

WHERE I DON'T HAVE TO CARRY

ALL MY WEIGHT

ON MY ARMS,

OR I'M NOT GONNA

THROW MY BACK OUT,

'CAUSE IF THAT HAPPENS,

I'M NOT COMING.

OH, YOU KNOW, ANY DISCOMFORT,

I WON'T BE COMING.

I'LL KEEP FUCKING,

'CAUSE YOU GOT TO PLAY HURT.

THAT'S WHAT I LEARNED

FROM HOCKEY.

YOU GOT TO PLAY HURT IF YOU WANT

TO MAKE THE BIG LEAGUES,

AND I DO, BUT ANY DISCOMFORT,

AND I WILL NOT BE COMING...

OR DISTRACTION.

IF THE TV IS ON,

I WILL NOT COME.

AND THIS PROBLEM

IS EXACERBATED FOR ME

BECAUSE, UH, BECAUSE I TAKE

ANTI-DEPRESSANTS,

UH, BECAUSE LIFE IS GOOD.

ANYONE HERE ON ANTI-DEPRESSANTS?

ANYONE?

male audience member:

ALL RIGHT, I THINK ME

AND WHOEVER IT WAS

THAT RESPONDED LIKE THIS,

WE NEED TO GET ON

YOUR PRESCRIPTION.

BUT IT'S TRUE, IF YOU TAKE

ANTI-DEPRESSANTS,

SOME ANTI-DEPRESSANTS...

YOU MAY BE AWARE OF THIS...

CAN INTERFERE WITH ORGASM.

AND BY INTERFERE,

THEY MEAN

YOU'RE NOT FUCKING GOING

TO HAVE ONE.

YOU'LL GET HARD,

BUT YOU WON'T COME,

WHICH WAS ESPECIALLY TRUE WHEN

I FIRST STARTED TAKING THEM,

BUT THEN I THOUGHT

THIS IS AWESOME!

I CAN FUCK FOREVER NOW.

I CAN FUCK FOREVER.

I'M A FUCKING MACHINE.

I CAN JUST FUCK AND FUCK

AND FUCK.

FUCK AND FUCK AND FUCK

AND FUCK.

FUCK, AND I'M LIKE STING,

BUT WITHOUT ANY OF

THAT DISCIPLINE...

OR SHITTY WORLD MUSIC.

BUT AT A CERTAIN POINT, YOU

REALIZE IT'S NOT THAT AWESOME.

WHEN YOU LOOK DOWN AT THE WOMAN

THAT YOU'RE ACTUALLY FUCKING,

AND REALIZE

THAT SHE'S JUST BORED.

SHE'S FUCKING B...

SHE'S PLAYING

WORDS WITH FRIENDS...

WHO ARE ACTUALLY IN THE ROOM.

SHE'S INVITED PEOPLE OVER.

SHE'S LIKE, "COME ON OVER.

KEEP ME COMPANY UNTIL

THIS ASSHOLE COMES, WOULD YOU?"

AND, WOMEN,

YOU DON'T TAKE IT WELL

WHEN A MAN DOESN'T COME.

YOU'RE NOT USED TO IT.

LIFE HASN'T PREPARED YOU

FOR A MAN NOT COMING.

YOUR EGO REALLY DOES NOT

TAKE IT WELL AT ALL.

YOU'RE PREPARED FOR US

COMING WAY TOO FAST,

AND THEN BITCHING ABOUT IT

TO YOUR FRIENDS.

BUT IF WE DON'T COME, YOU JUST

CAN'T HANDLE IT, YOU KNOW?

WE'RE USED TO IT,

BUT, UH, YOU KNOW...

BUT THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT

NOW MEN CAN FAKE ORGASM.

WE CAN.

WE CAN FAKE ORGASM.

YEAH, NOW THAT WE ALL WEAR

CONDOMS, THANKS TO AIDS...

AND THANK YOU, AIDS...

THANK YOU, AIDS,

FOR THE CONDOMS.

'CAUSE NOW, AFTER, LIKE,

A COUPLE OF HOURS

OF POINTLESS FUCKING,

YOU KNOW, WHERE, LIKE...

WHERE HER LABIA'S, LIKE,

POLISHED TO A SHEEN

AT THIS POINT, YOU KNOW?

IT LOOKS LIKE SHE'S GOT A PAIR

OF PURPLE PATENT LEATHER SHOES

BETWEEN HER THIGHS.

YOU KNOW?

I SHOULD JUST LET YOU SIT

WITH THAT IMAGE FOR A WHILE.

BUT I CAN LET HER

OFF THE HOOK.

I CAN JUST...

I CAN GO, "OH, AWESOME!

"OH, OH, GREAT.

"I'M JUST GOING TO GO

TAKE THIS THING OFF NOW.

"YOU DON'T NEED TO SEE THIS, BUT

TRUST ME, IT'S QUITE A LOAD.

"YOU CAN BE PROUD OF THE WORK

YOU'VE DONE TONIGHT, MISSY.

NO SHAME SPIRAL FOR YOU."

DOESN'T WORK AS WELL

DURING A BLOW JOB.

YOU CAN'T FAKE IT DURING A...

I'VE TRIED.

YOU GET CAUGHT.

AND BOY, WOMEN,

YOU REALLY DON'T TAKE THAT WELL.

IF WE DON'T COME

DURING A BLOW JOB,

OH, THAT REALLY GETS

YOUR EGO UP,

'CAUSE IT'S A SPECIAL GIFT

YOU'RE GIVING.

BUT... AND HERE'S

WHAT I'VE LEARNED.

WOMEN WILL NOT GIVE UP

ON A BLOW JOB.

WOMEN WILL FUCKING JUST NOT

GIVE UP ON A BLOW...

WOMEN BECOME LIKE TV E.R.

SURGEONS WITH A BLOW JOB,

AND IT'S LIKE, "NOT TONIGHT.

NOT TONIGHT, GOD DAMN IT. NO."

KEEP GOING AND GOING

AND GOING

UNTIL, LIKE, YOUR LIPS ARE

SWOLLEN AND NUMB,

AND YOUR JAW IS SORE.

YOU LOOK LIKE YOU JUST GOT OUT

OF THE DENTIST'S CHAIR.

AND I CAN SAY,

"I DON'T NEED TO COME.

COMING ISN'T EVEN MY THING,

REALLY."

"OH, JUST SHUT UP AND COME,

YOU SON OF A BITCH."

AT WHICH POINT, I MEAN, I CAN,

LIKE, CLOSE MY EYES

AND TRY TO FANTASIZE

ABOUT SOMETHING

TO HELP ME COME FASTER,

BUT I'M ALREADY GETTING

A FUCKING BLOW JOB.

THAT'S MY GO-TO FANTASY.

I'VE GOT NO ROOM

TO MANEUVER.

AHH! LET ME TELL YOU...

LET ME TELL YOU

HOW FUCKED UP I AM SEXUALLY.

IN CASE I HAVEN'T

MADE MY CASE YET.

HERE'S HOW FUCKED UP

I AM SEXUALLY.

I HAD A DREAM RECENTLY,

A SEX DREAM.

I HAD A SEX DREAM,

AND THIS IS TRUE.

IN MY SEX DREAM, UH,

I WAS JUST JERKING OFF.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?

HOW FUCKING ANTI-SOCIAL

HAVE I BECOME

THAT THAT'S MY SEX DREAM?

JUST JERKING OFF...

I'M JUST JERKING OFF.

I MEAN, I COULD BE FUCKING

ANYONE.

I COULD BE FUCKING ANYONE.

I COULD BE FUCKING

HISTORICAL FIGURES.

I COULD BE

DOUBLE-TEAMING CLEOPATRA

WITH WINSTON CHURCHILL...

IT'S MY DREAM!

"I WILL FUCK HER IN THE MOUTH,

"AND YOU WILL FUCK HER

IN THE ASS,

AND WE WILL NEVER SURRENDER!"

THAT COULD BE MY DREAM.

I COULD FUCK ANYONE.

BUT I CHOOSE ME...

I'M FUCKING ME.

THAT'S WHO I'M FUCKING

IN MY DREAM.

I'M JUST JERKING OFF, AND IT'S

NOT LIKE IT'S A SHAME DREAM,

WHERE I'M JERKING OFF, AND THEN

I REALIZE I'M ON A PUBLIC BUS,

AND I GO, "OH, FUCK, I'VE GOT

TEN STOPS TO GO. BE COOL."

I HAVE HAD THAT DREAM

MANY TIMES, TRUST ME.

NO, THIS DREAM, I'M JERKING OFF

IN MY BATHROOM.

AND IN THE DREAM, I TAKE THE

TIME TO LOOK OVER AT THE DOOR

AND GO, "OH, GOOD,

IT'S LOCKED."

I'M JERKING OFF IN A LOCKED

BATHROOM IN MY APARTMENT,

AND THEN I WAKE UP,

AND I'M DISAPPOINTED

IT'S A DREAM.

THE BATHROOM IS TEN FEET

FROM MY BED.

I CAN GET UP,

GO TO THE BATHROOM,

AND LIVE THE DREAM.

BUT I JUST LIE THERE AND SULK.

YEAH, THAT'S FUCKED UP.

BUT I AM STILL...

I'M GRATEFUL THAT I STILL GET

FUCKED OCCASIONALLY.

WELL, MORE THAN OCCASIONALLY.

I'M FAMOUS.

IT HELPS.

AND I THINK... I APPRECIATE

THAT I STILL GET FUCKED.

I THINK I PROBABLY APPRECIATE IT

MORE THAN MOST OF YOU DO.

IN FACT, I DON'T THINK SOME

OF YOU APPRECIATE

THAT I GET FUCKED

AT ALL.

I DON'T THINK YOU EVEN TAKE

THE TIME TO THINK ABOUT IT.

ALL ABOUT YOU, ISN'T IT?

BUT SURE,

I DO APPRECIATE IT,

BECAUSE I WENT FOR A VERY LONG

PERIOD OF TIME IN MY LIFE

WHERE I DIDN'T GET FUCKED.

I WENT 11 YEARS

WITHOUT BEING FUCKED.

YEAH, IT WAS

DURING MY FIRST MARRIAGE.

IT'S A TRUE STORY.

YEAH, I WAS MARRIED

TO THIS WOMAN FOR 11 YEARS

WHO WOULDN'T FUCK ME,

AND TO BE FAIR, IT WASN'T

ENTIRELY HER FAULT,

BECAUSE SHE HAD BEEN DIAGNOSED

AS BEING A CUNT.

I MEAN, TECHNICALLY

THE DIAGNOSIS WAS

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER,

BUT TRUST ME,

"CUNT" COVERS IT.

AND I EXAGGERATE SLIGHTLY,

'CAUSE SHE WOULD ACTUALLY

FUCK ME, LIKE, ONCE A YEAR.

SHE WOULD FUCK ME.

IT WOULD BE JUST...

OUT OF NOWHERE,

SHE WOULD SUDDENLY JUST GO,

"ALL RIGHT, JUST DO IT.

JUST FUCK ME NOW.

JUST DO IT.

GET IT OVER WITH."

NO, I'M NOT GOING

TO FUCK YOU LIKE THIS.

NO, YOU MAKE ME FEEL

LIKE A RAPIST.

I'M NOT GOING TO FUCK YOU LIKE...

THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

SHE'D GO, "FUCK ME NOW

OR I'LL KILL MYSELF."

OH, GREAT.

THAT'S A SEXY CHOICE FOR ME.

I CAN FEEL LIKE A RAPIST

OR A MURDERER.

WELL, I'LL JUST GO CHECK

ON MY BONER, SHALL I?

AND, SADLY,

IT WOULD BE THERE.

ONE OF THE MORE PATHETIC THINGS

IN THIS RELATIONSHIP, I THINK,

WAS WATCHING

AN UNOPENED BOX OF CONDOMS

REACH ITS EXPIRATION DATE.

'CAUSE THEY'RE NOT BANANAS.

THEY LAST A WHILE.

EVENTUALLY I JUST STARTED

BUYING, LIKE,

ONE CONDOM FOR THE WHOLE YEAR.

AND I'D KEEP IT

UNDER A GLASS DOME,

LIKE THE ROSE

IN BEAUTY AND THE BEAST.

IF THIS CONDOM EXPIRES,

I SHALL FOREVER BE A BEAST!

SOMEHOW MADE IT MAGICAL.

BUT AS I WAS SAYING,

I WAS WITH THIS WOMAN

FOR 11 YEARS, UH,

AND NEVER CHEATED ON HER

IN THAT 11 YEARS.

A LOT OF PEOPLE WOULD SAY,

"WELL, YOU WANT A FUCKING MEDAL

FOR NOT CHEATING

ON YOUR WIFE?"

YEAH, I'D KIND OF

LIKE A MEDAL.

I MEAN, A TROPHY, OR JUST WALK

AROUND TOWN WITH A PURPLE SASH

THAT SAYS "FUCKING GREAT GUY,"

'CAUSE I EARNED IT.

IT WAS NOT EASY.

11 FUCKING YEARS!

IT WAS NOT EASY,

'CAUSE THERE WERE

OPPORTUNITIES, YOU KNOW?

AND, UH, IN FACT,

I'M GOING TO TELL YOU A STORY

ABOUT ONE OF

THOSE OPPORTUNITIES,

JUST TO TELL YOU HOW HARD IT WAS

TO NOT CHEAT ON HER.

ALL RIGHT, IT'S FIVE YEARS

INTO THE RELATIONSHIP.

I'M 25 YEARS OLD.

SO, 25 YEARS OLD.

FIVE YEARS WITHOUT BEING FUCKED.

ALREADY A LIT FUSE.

AND IT'S THE FIRST YEAR

OF THE KIDS IN THE HALL SHOW,

AND WE'RE SHOOTING A FILM PIECE

FOR THE SHOW,

AND OUR AGENT COMES DOWN

TO THE SET,

AND HE BRINGS A GUEST

WITH HIM.

AND THE GUEST

THAT HE BRINGS TO SET

IS UMA THURMAN.

YEAH, IT'S ALREADY

A GOOD STORY,

BUT IT GETS BETTER BECAUSE

UMA'S A KIDS IN THE HALL FAN,

AND IT'S HER 19TH BIRTHDAY.

SO THE KIDS IN THE HALL ARE

GOING TO TAKE UMA THURMAN OUT

FOR HER 19TH BIRTHDAY, HER FIRST

NIGHT OF LEGAL DRINKING,

'CAUSE THAT'S THE DRINKING AGE

IN CANADA.

SO WE'RE TAKING UMA OUT,

AND YOU'VE GOT TO REMEMBER,

HISTORICALLY, WHERE WE'RE AT

RIGHT NOW, 'CAUSE THIS IS '89.

'88, DANGEROUS LIAISONS

CAME OUT, AND I DON'T KNOW IF

YOU'RE A FILM BUFF LIKE ME,

IF YOU'RE A CINEASTE,

UH, BUT IN THAT MOVIE,

THAT'S WHERE WE MET UMA THURMAN,

AND IN THAT MOVIE,

THERE'S A SCENE IN THAT FILM

WHERE SHE REMOVES HER NIGHTIE.

AND FOR MEN OF MY GENERATION,

THAT IS A J.F.K. MOMENT.

THAT IS A MOMENT...

EVERYTHING IS FROZEN IN TIME,

BECAUSE UP TO THAT, SHE'S, LIKE,

A GAWKY TEENAGE GIRL,

THEN SHE TAKES THIS OFF,

AND SHE'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL...

NOT JUST WOMAN,

BUT THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING

OR EVENT YOU'VE EVER SEEN.

SHE'S BETTER THAN A SUNSET.

SHE'S BETTER THAN

A MOUNTAIN RANGE.

SHE'S JUST UNBELIEVABLY

BEAUTIFUL.

SO THIS IS THE WOMAN THAT

WE'RE TAKING OUT TO DINNER

FOR HER 19TH BIRTHDAY,

AND PEOPLE CAN'T GET OVER

HOW BEAUTIFUL SHE IS.

THEY'RE JUST AGOG.

THEY'RE SLACK-JAWED,

STARING AT HER.

PEOPLE FOLLOWING US

UP AND DOWN THE STREET.

WHEN WE'RE EATING

AT OUR RESTAURANT,

PEOPLE ARE PLASTERED AGAINST

THE WINDOW STARING AT HER.

NO ONE CAN QUITE COPE

WITH HOW BEAUTIFUL SHE IS.

ALL RIGHT, NOW,

THE EVENING WEARS ON.

EVENTUALLY ALL THE OTHER KIDS

IN THE HALL GO HOME,

AND IT'S JUST ME AND UMA

IN AN AFTER-HOURS BAR

IN TORONTO AROUND 2:00,

3:00 IN THE MORNING, RIGHT?

AND SHE'S INCREDIBLE.

SHE'S SMART. SHE'S FUNNY.

SHE'S GORGEOUS.

AND WE'RE HAVING A GREAT TIME.

AND WE'RE CUDDLED UP ON A COUCH,

KIND OF, YOU KNOW.

AND WE'RE FLIRTING, BUT AGAIN,

IT'S SMART PEOPLE FLIRTING,

'CAUSE, LIKE, I'D READ

THAT HER DAD WAS A PHILOSOPHER,

SO IT'S LIKE,

"I DO BELIEVE IMMANUEL KANT

"ONCE SPINOZA'D KIERKEGAARD.

I HOPE THAT MADE

YOUR NIPPLES HARD."

BUT THE EVENING GETS

TO THE POINT WHERE IT'S CLEAR

IT'S TIME TO SORT OF MOVE ON

TO THE NEXT LEVEL,

AND UMA'S GOING "WELL, SO,

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

WHAT SHOULD WE DO NOW?"

AND I SORT OF GO,

"I'M IN THIS RELATIONSHIP."

AND I HEAR UMA SAY TO ME,

"OH, WELL, I REALLY RESPECT

THAT YOU'RE FAITHFUL

TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND."

THOSE WORDS HAVE HAUNTED ME

EVER SINCE.

THEY HAVE ECHOED IN MY HEAD

EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE SINCE THEN,

AND I GUARANTEE THIS RIGHT NOW...

I GUARANTEE NOWHERE

ON EARTH TONIGHT...

NOWHERE ON EARTH TONIGHT,

IS UMA THURMAN

TELLING THIS STORY.

IT HASN'T CROSSED HER MIND.

THERE WAS NEVER A NIGHT WHEN SHE

WAS IN BED WITH ETHAN HAWKE

WHERE HE WOULD GO,

"BABY, WHY SO DISTANT?"

"OH, JUST THINKING

ABOUT DAVE.

JUST WONDERING

WHAT MIGHT'VE BEEN."

BUT I DID NOT HAVE SEX

WITH A 19-YEAR-OLD UMA THURMAN.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT

I'M SAYING, SIR?

I DID NOT HAVE SEX

WITH A 19-YEAR-OLD UMA THURMAN.

YOU CAN'T SAY THAT!

NONE OF YOU CAN SAY THAT!

WELL, TECHNICALLY ALL OF YOU

CAN SAY THAT,

BUT FOR ME, I BELIEVE

IT WAS AN OPTION!

AND EVEN IF IT WASN'T REALLY

AN OPTION,

I BELIEVED IT IN MY HEART

THAT IT WAS AN OPTION,

AND I WALKED AWAY.

AND I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD BE ABLE

TO TAKE THAT STORY

INTO COURT AS EVIDENCE

AGAINST MY FIRST WIFE.

I SHOULD BE ABLE TO SAY "YOUR

HONOR, I WOULD LIKE TO HUMBLY

SUBMIT I DID NOT HAVE SEX

WITH A 19-YEAR-OLD UMA THURMAN."

AND I THINK A REASONABLE COURT

WOULD SAY,

"WELL, TAKING THAT

INTO ACCOUNT,

"IT IS THE OPINION

OF THIS COURT THAT, FUCK YOU!

"THIS MAN OWES YOU NOTHING!

"THIS GOOD AND NOBLE CREATURE.

"WHY, WE'RE GOING TO BUILD

A STATUE,

AND BILL IT TO YOU,

YOU CUNT."

ODDLY ENOUGH, THAT ISN'T

HOW IT WENT IN COURT.

I WENT TO COURT

WITH MY FIRST WIFE

ABOUT A YEAR AND A HALF AGO,

AND I WAS THERE

FOR AN ENFORCEMENT HEARING,

AND THE ENFORCEMENT HEARING

WAS THERE TO ENFORCE

A PREVIOUS RULING.

AND THE JUDGE IN THAT HEARING,

HE RULED THAT I HAVE TO PAY

MY FIRST WIFE

$17,700 A MONTH.

YEAH, OR GO TO JAIL.

I HAVE AN OPTION.

UH, SO, UH,

SO I DON'T GO TO CANADA

MUCH ANYMORE.

BUT THE RULING

THAT HE WAS ENFORCING

WAS EVEN CRAZIER,

'CAUSE IT WAS AN EARLIER RULING

WHERE I WENT

TO GET MY PAYMENTS ADJUSTED,

'CAUSE WHEN MY SHOW NEWSRADIO

WENT OFF THE AIR,

MY CAREER BECAME SOMETHING

CALLED SHITTY.

SO I WENT TO COURT

TO GET AN ADJUSTMENT,

AND I LOST THE CASE.

THE JUDGE RULED AGAINST ME.

AND SHE DIDN'T RULE AGAINST ME

BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T BELIEVE THAT

MY INCOME HAD CHANGED.

THIS WOMAN... JUSTICE BACKHOUSE

WAS THE JUDGE...

SHE RULED THAT

MY ABILITY TO PAY

WAS NOT RELEVANT

TO MY OBLIGATION TO PAY.

YEAH, WHICH IS LIKE SAYING

MY ABILITY TO FLY

IS NOT RELEVANT

TO MY OBLIGATION TO FLY.

NOW, OFF THE ROOF YOU GO.

OH! OH!

WELL, HE'S IN VIOLATION

OF THE RULING.

OFFICER, ARREST THAT PUDDLE.

SHE EVEN ACTUALLY... SHE DID

ACTUALLY RULE THAT MY DEATH

WOULD NOT BE CONSIDERED

A MATERIAL CHANGE

TO MY CIRCUMSTANCES.

WHICH IS REALLY MORE

OF A RELIGIOUS OPINION

THAN A LEGAL ONE.

SO I REALIZED, OKAY,

SO IF I DIE,

I HAVE TO KEEP WORKING,

OR MY CORPSE GOES TO JAIL.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT

MY CORPSE CAN DO.

MAYBE MY CORPSE CAN BE IN A BIG

BROADWAY MUSICAL VERSION

OF WEEKEND AT BERNIE'S.

BUT I DON'T WANT MY CORPSE

TO GO TO JAIL.

THAT'S NOT WHAT I WANT,

'CAUSE I'M PRETTY SURE

THAT CORPSES ARE

THE LOW-HANGING FRUIT

ON THE PRISON RAPE TREE.

PROBABLY... PROBABLY JUST BELOW

DWARVES, YOU KNOW?

AND I DON'T WANT MY CORPSE

BEING RAPED.

SORRY IF THAT'S EGOTISTICAL.

DON'T WANT DWARVES RAPED,

EITHER. THERE, I SAID IT.

DON'T RAPE DWARVES, PRISONERS.

SORRY IF THAT'S CONTROVERSIAL.

I'LL BE AT A RALLY

WITH PETER DINKLAGE NEXT WEEK.

"STOP THE RAPING OF DWARVES!"

IT'S A PROBLEM.

NOW...

WHEN YOU'RE MARRIED

FOR A LONG TIME

AND THEN SINGLE,

AND THEN MARRIED AGAIN...

'CAUSE I'VE BEEN MARRIED

TWICE AND DIVORCED TWICE,

'CAUSE I LOVE PATTERNS.

BUT WHEN YOU'RE MARRIED

FOR A LONG TIME,

THEN SINGLE, THEN MARRIED AGAIN,

YOU SORT OF SEE

THE SEXUAL WORLD

IN IN THESE STARK SNAPSHOTS.

IT'S KIND OF LIKE

WHEN YOU'RE MARRIED,

YOU'RE IN SUSPENDED

ANIMATION,

AND THEN THEY WAKE YOU UP, AND

EVERYONE'S WEARING JET PACKS,

AND YOU'RE FREAKED OUT,

AND THEY KNOCK YOU OUT AGAIN.

AND AN EXAMPLE IS, UH,

IS PUBIC HAIR.

AND HEAR ME OUT ON THIS.

UH, I'VE PUT SOME THOUGHT

INTO THIS.

BECAUSE I LOST MY VIRGINITY

IN 1980, RIGHT?

AND IN 1980,

IT WAS A DIFFERENT WORLD.

IN 1980, WOMEN JUST HAD

PUBIC HAIR.

THEY JUST FUCKING HAD IT.

WHATEVER GREW, GREW,

AND IT WAS LIKE IT WAS

A NATIONAL PARK,

AND IT WAS ILLEGAL

TO CUT ANYTHING DOWN.

JUST GREW. AND YOUNG MEN...

YOUNG MEN HAVE NO IDEA

WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

YOUNG MEN HAVE NEVER

EXPERIENCED...

YOU'VE NEVER PROBABLY

EXPERIENCED, LET'S CALL IT

FREE RANGE PUBIC HAIR.

YOU'VE NEVER FELT...

YOU'VE NEVER FELT WET PUBES

ON YOUR CHEEKS, YOU KNOW?

IT WAS THE CLOSEST I'VE EVER

COME TO HAVING MUTTON CHOPS.

IT WAS AWESOME.

AND YOU GUYS DON'T KNOW.

YOU JUST DON'T KNOW.

THEN I GOT MARRIED, AND I WAS

MARRIED FOR 11 YEARS.

I MENTIONED A LITTLE BIT ABOUT

HOW WELL THAT WENT,

AND THEN I BECAME SINGLE

IN THE '90s.

AND IN THE '90s,

WOMEN SUDDENLY HAD

THE MOST METICULOUSLY

MANICURED PUBIC HAIR.

IT WAS AMAZING.

IT WAS SUDDENLY LIKE WOMEN JUST

HAD, LIKE, HAD, LIKE...

EVERYONE HAD, LIKE,

THE GARDENS OF VERSAILLES

GROWING ON THEIR PUDENDUM.

THERE'D BE, LIKE,

ORNATE MAZES AND TOPIARY.

THERE'D BE, LIKE, AN ELK

JUST POSED MAJESTICALLY.

LIKE, I DON'T KNOW HOW WOMEN DID

ANYTHING ELSE IN THE '90s.

MUST HAVE BEEN LIKE, "DO YOU

WANT TO GO OUT TONIGHT?"

"NO, SUMMER'S SIX MONTHS AWAY.

I GOT TO WORK ON MY PUBES.

I'LL NEVER BE READY."

AND THEN I GOT MARRIED AGAIN,

AND I WAS MARRIED

FOR EIGHT YEARS.

AND WHEN I BECAME SINGLE, UH,

ABOUT FOUR YEARS AGO,

PUBIC HAIR WAS JUST GONE!

IT WAS JUST FUCKING GONE!

AND NOBODY WAS DOING ANYTHING

ABOUT IT.

EVERYBODY WAS FREAKING OUT

ABOUT THE BEES DISAPPEARING,

BUT NO ONE WAS DOING FUCK-ALL

ABOUT THE PUBIC HAIR!

WHAT IF IT'S AN INDICATOR

SPECIES?

WHAT IF THIS IS A SIGN OF AN

ONCOMING ENVIRONMENTAL COLLAPSE?

WHERE THE FUCK IS

THE SIERRA CLUB?

WHY ISN'T THE LORAX SPEAKING

FOR THE PUBIC HAIR?

AND MEN ARE SHAVING

THEIR BALLS NOW.

THAT'S SOMETHING MEN ARE DOING.

I'M SURE THERE'S A LOT

OF FRESHLY SHORN BALLS

IN THE ROOM TONIGHT.

MEN ARE SHAVING OFF THEIR PUBES,

AND, YOU KNOW, IT STARTED...

IT STARTED OUT WITH, LIKE...

IT'S GAY PORN STARS

STARTED IT, RIGHT?

AND THEN STRAIGHT PORN STARS

SAW THAT, WENT, "AWESOME!

I'M GONNA DO THAT."

AND THEN JUST REGULAR PEOPLE

PICKED IT UP.

SO YOU GOT, LIKE, A GUY

DRIVING A GARBAGE TRUCK.

HE'S GOT SHAVED BALLS.

COP WRITING YOU A TICKET.

HE'S GOT SHAVED BALLS.

I SHAVED MY BALLS ONCE.

I DID.

I WAS... I SHAVED... I WAS DATING

THIS GIRL WHO ASKED ME,

WOULD I SHAVE 'EM?

AND, FUCK IT, ALL RIGHT.

I'LL TRY.

AND IT WAS, UH... HORRIFYING,

IS WHAT IT WAS.

IT WAS HORRIFYING, 'CAUSE I

DISCOVERED THAT I HAD FAT

I DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT.

I HAD PUBIC FAT.

I HAD PUBIC FAT,

AND NOT ONLY THAT,

BUT IT WAS FORMING THIS, LIKE,

THIS RIDGE OVER MY COCK.

IT WAS FORMING THIS,

LIKE A CAVE.

MY COCK LOOKED LIKE

IT WAS LIVING IN A CAVE.

MY COCK WAS, LIKE, POKING

ITS HEAD OUT OF THE FAT CAVE.

JUST POKING HIS HEAD OUT GOING,

"WE DOING ANYTHING TONIGHT?"

NO, WE'RE DOING

FUCKING NOTHING TONIGHT.

THIS SHIT GOES NOWHERE

TILL THE HAIR COMES BACK.

THE WORLD MUST NOT KNOW

ABOUT MY FAT CAVE, COCK.

I'M GOING TO TRUST YOU

ON THIS ONE, COCK.

DON'T LET ME DOWN THIS TIME.

AND, APPARENTLY,

THE RATIONALE FOR MEN

SHAVING OFF THEIR PUBIC HAIR

IS THAT IF YOU SHAVE OFF

ALL YOUR PUBIC HAIR,

IT'S SUPPOSED TO MAKE YOUR COCK

LOOK BIGGER.

RIGHT? UM...

BUT I'M OF THE OPINION

THAT AN OPTICAL ILLUSION

DOWN THERE

IS OF DUBIOUS VALUE.

'CAUSE I MEAN, I SUPPOSE YOU

COULD, LIKE, TATTOO

A FORCED PERSPECTIVE DRAWING

OF A COUNTRY ROAD

JUST WINDING OFF

INTO THE DISTANCE

WITH, LIKE, SOME MOUNTAINS

OVER HERE AND A CITY SKYLINE.

SEATTLE, LET'S MAKE IT SEATTLE.

AND A WOMAN WOULD LOOK

AT THAT AND GO,

"OH, MY GOD, HIS COCK IS

THE SIZE OF THE SPACE NEEDLE.

I MUST HAVE IT!"

BUT WHEN THE RUBBER MEETS

THE ROAD, AS IT WERE,

SIZE IS GOING TO MATTER.

BECAUSE THE MOST YOU CAN

REALLY HOPE TO ACHIEVE

IS TO CONVINCE THE POOR WOMAN

THAT SHE HAS

A GIGANTIC VAGINA.

SHE'S GOING, "MY GOD, IT LOOKED

SO HUGE, AND I FEEL NOTHING.

"WHAT KIND OF MONSTER AM I?

OH, THAT'S PROBABLY

WHERE THE CAT WENT."

HERE'S THE DEAL.

I THINK IT'S WEIRD

THAT WE CAN HAVE

PUBIC FASHIONS.

THAT WE CAN HAVE TRENDS

IN PUBIC HAIR.

I THINK THAT'S ODD.

I DON'T THINK THAT USED

TO HAPPEN, YOU KNOW.

I DON'T THINK THAT EVER HAPPENED

IN THE '40s AND '50s.

I DON'T THINK THEY HAD

PUBIC TRENDS BACK THEN.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW.

I NEVER ASKED MY GRANDMOTHER.

I SHOULD HAVE.

SERIOUS.

IT'S THE CONVERSATIONS WE DON'T

HAVE THAT WE REGRET, PEOPLE.

SO IF YOU TAKE ANYTHING AWAY

FROM TONIGHT, TAKE THAT AWAY.

PLEASE, TONIGHT WHEN YOU GET

HOME, CALL YOUR GRANNY.

ASK ABOUT HER PUBES.

YOU'LL BE SURPRISED.

"I DIDN'T THINK ANYBODY CARED.

I LOVE YOU, SONNY."

BUT IT'S TRUE.

WE HAVE TRENDS IN PUBIC HAIR.

AND I THINK THE REASON

THAT CAN HAPPEN

IS BECAUSE OF THE MAINSTREAMING

OF PORN.

AND THERE'S NO DOUBT

ABOUT IT THAT PORN,

HARDCORE PORN,

IS NOW MAINSTREAM.

IT'S NOT A CULT THING.

IT'S NOT A SUBCULTURE THING.

EVERYONE'S BEEN EXPOSED

TO HARDCORE PORN.

IT USED TO BE IF YOU WANTED

TO SEE, LIKE, HARDCORE PORN,

YOU HAD

TO MAKE AN EFFORT.

YOU HAD TO DO THINGS LIKE, OH,

LEAVE YOUR HOUSE.

GO TO THE CREEPY PART OF TOWN.

GO INTO SOME OLD,

FILTHY THEATER.

WADE THROUGH POOLS OF JIZZ.

DEAL WITH SOME GUY MAKING,

YOU KNOW,

INTENSE AND INAPPROPRIATE

EYE CONTACT, LIKE...

"YOU AND ME ARE DOING THIS

TOGETHER."

THAT WAS THE PORN EXPERIENCE.

IT'S NOT COMFORTABLE,

IS IT, SIR?

IT WAS A COMMUNAL EXPERIENCE.

NOTHING PRIVATE ABOUT IT

UNTIL HOME VIDEO CAME ALONG,

RIGHT?

AND THEN IT CHANGED.

THEN, SUDDENLY,

THE PORN EXPERIENCE WAS

YOU'D GO TO YOUR LOCAL VIDEO

STORE IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD,

AND YOU'D, LIKE... YOU'D CIRCLE

THE DISNEY SECTION

FOR TWO OR THREE HOURS,

WAITING FOR THE CROWD

TO THIN OUT.

AND THEN, WHEN YOUR MOMENT

WAS RIGHT,

YOU'D RUSH THROUGH

THAT RATTY CURTAIN

THAT SEPARATED THE PORN

FROM THE DECENT FILMS,

AND JUST GRAB UP

AS MUCH PORN AS YOU COULD,

AND THEN YOU'D TROT HOME

WITH 'EM LIKE WILE E. COYOTE

WITH HIS ACME SHIPMENT,

AND JUST HOPE THAT YOU DIDN'T

ACCIDENTALLY GRAB ALL GAY STUFF,

'CAUSE YOU'D MAKE DO.

YOU'D GO, "I'LL PRETEND

THAT ASSHOLE IS A VAGINA.

"I'VE GOT WORK TO DO.

CAN'T BE RUNNING BACK AND FORTH

TO THE PORN STORE ALL NIGHT."

BUT NOW IT'S JUST EVERYWHERE.

PORN, IS JUST...

IT'S IN OUR HOMES.

YOU KNOW, IT COMES ON CABLE

AND SATELLITE.

IT'S THERE WAITING FOR YOU

WHEN YOU GET HOME,

LIKE A FAITHFUL DOG.

IT'S LIKE, I CHECKED INTO

MY HOTEL, RIGHT,

AND I TURNED ON

THE TV IN MY HOTEL,

AND THE FIRST THING

THE TV SAYS TO ME IS,

"PLEASE CHECK OUT

OUR ADULT SELECTIONS,"

WHICH IS PORN, IS WHAT IT IS.

IT'S NOT MOVIES ABOUT PEOPLE

BEHAVING PARTICULARLY MATURELY.

IT'S NOT MOVIES

ABOUT PEOPLE GOING,

"YOU KNOW, I'M GOING TO PUT

MONEY ASIDE EVERY MONTH

FOR RETIREMENT."

TRY JERKING OFF TO THAT.

IT'S NOT GONNA WORK.

IT'S PORN. SO IT'S LIKE...

WHEN THE HOTEL SAYS,

"PLEASE CHECK OUT

OUR ADULT SELECTIONS,"

IT'S LIKE THE SHERATON

IS SAYING,

"PLEASE JERK OFF

IN OUR BEDS."

AND I'M CANADIAN.

YOU ASK ME NICELY,

I WILL ACCOMMODATE.

I ACCOMMODATED MY HOTEL

SEVERAL TIMES TODAY.

WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

I GOT A DAY TO KILL.

I DON'T WORK TILL NIGHT.

AHH.

ALL RIGHT,

WELL, I FEEL LIKE...

I FEEL LIKE WE'RE KIND OF

GETTING ALONG PRETTY WELL

AS AN AUDIENCE AND PERFORMER,

RIGHT?

WE'RE GETTING ALONG

ALL RIGHT.

PRETTY GOOD.

SO IT'S PROBABLY TIME

TO WRECK THAT.

I'M GONNA TELL YOU...

ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA...

I'M GONNA TELL YOU

SOMETHING PERSONAL NOW.

THIS MAY CHANGE

HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT ME.

I'M JUST GOING TO SAY IT.

I...

ALL RIGHT, I'LL JUST SAY IT.

OKAY.

ALL RIGHT.

I'M SMART.

OKAY, AND I KNOW THAT

WHEN YOU SAY YOU'RE SMART,

I KNOW THAT A WAVE OF HOSTILITY

CAN GO THROUGH THE ROOM,

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE BEING SMART'S

NOT VERY POPULAR

IN OUR CULTURE ANYMORE.

IT'S KIND OF FROWNED UPON.

WE'RE LIVING IN THE POST-,

YOU KNOW, JACKASS WORLD.

YOU KNOW, THE WORST THING YOU

CAN CALL SOMEONE

IN OUR CULTURE RIGHT NOW

IS AN INTELLECTUAL ELITE.

THAT'S THE WORST INSULT

YOU CAN LEVEL,

TO CALL SOMEONE

AN INTELLECTUAL ELITE.

WHICH IS WEIRD TO ME

BECAUSE WE DON'T FEEL

THAT WAY

ABOUT THE PHYSICALLY ELITE.

WE DON'T RESENT THEM

FOR BEING BETTER THAN US

AT THE GAMES THEY PLAY.

THAT'S THE FUN

IN WATCHING THEM, YOU KNOW?

LIKE, NO ONE EVERY SAID,

"DO YOU KNOW WHAT I LOVE

"ABOUT KOBE BRYANT?

"HE PLAYS BASKETBALL

JUST LIKE ME.

"HE GETS WINDED EASY,

CAN'T HIT THE BACKBOARD,

"SHOWS UP DRUNK

MOST OF THE TIME.

"HE'S AWESOME.

I NEVER FEEL THREATENED

WHEN I WATCH HIM PLAY."

BUT THAT'S HOW WE FEEL

ABOUT THE INTELLECTUALLY ELITE.

WE FEEL THREATENED BY THEM.

WE DON'T LIKE IT.

IT MAKES US ANGRY.

PEOPLE SAY THAT'S THE REASON

THAT BARACK OBAMA

HAS TROUBLE, YOU KNOW,

CONNECTING

WITH ORDINARY PEOPLE,

AND BY THE WAY,

THANK GOD HE GOT REELECTED.

THANK FUCKING GOD.

REALLY, YES.

THAT WAS TERRIFYING.

I WAS SO TENSE.

I DON'T THINK I SHIT FOR A YEAR.

I WAS SO CLENCHED WAITING

FOR THIS ELECTION TO END.

BUT HE'S BACK.

BUT PEOPLE STILL SAY HE...

THAT HE'S CONSIDERED...

HE SEEMS TOO MUCH

OF AN INTELLECTUAL,

SO PEOPLE CAN'T RELATE

TO HIM.

YEAH, IT'S LIKE,

"HEY, WHAT'S WITH THE BIG OL'

BRAINY-BRAIN, OBAMA?

"ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS RUN

THE FUCKING COUNTRY.

IT DOESN'T TAKE AN EINSTEIN."

BUT, LIKE, IF EINSTEIN

WAS STARTING HIS CAREER

IN THIS ENVIRONMENT,

IN AMERICA,

I THINK HE WOULD FEEL

COMPELLED

TO PREFACE

HIS EVERY STATEMENT WITH,

"HEY, I'M NO GENIUS, BUT..."

IT WOULD'VE BEEN,

HEY, I'M NO GENIUS,

BUT I GOT AN ITCHY OL' FEELING

IN THE BACK OF MY NOGGIN.

MAYBE "E" EQUALS

"M-C" SQUARED.

BUT WHAT DO I KNOW?

I'M JUST AN OLD COUNTRY BOY.

LIKE, THERE ARE SCIENTISTS

RIGHT NOW

WORKING AT CERN, RIGHT,

WITH A LARGE HADRON COLLIDER.

AND THEY'RE DOING EXPERIMENTS

THAT MAY HAVE ALREADY YIELDED

ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT

DISCOVERIES IN THE HISTORY

OF HUMANITY, YOU KNOW.

BUT THEY'RE STILL

FOLLOWING IT UP, RIGHT?

AND LITERALLY, A FUNDAMENTAL

DISCOVERY ABOUT THE VERY NATURE

OF REALITY.

BUT IF THEY WANT

TO ANNOUNCE IT

WITHOUT ALIENATING EVERYBODY,

THEY BETTER DO IT AS,

"HEY, WE WERE JUST FUCKING

AROUND WITH A COLLIDER, RIGHT?

"WE THOUGHT, WHY DON'T WE

COLLIDE A COUPLE PROTON BEAMS

"HERE AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT,

SEE WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENS?

"AND WE DID IT,

AND IT WAS FUCKING AWESOME!

"AND WE DISCOVERED

THE HIGGS BOSON.

"NOW WE KNOW WHY MATTER HAS

MASS, BUT FUCK IT.

LET'S GO TO A TITTY BAR."

I THINK IT'S...

IT'S THAT

ANTI-INTELLECTUAL MINDSET

THAT I THINK

MADE IT POSSIBLE

FOR SOMEONE LIKE A GEORGE BUSH

TO BECOME PRESIDENT,

YOU KNOW, OR SOMEONE

LIKE A SARAH PALIN TO,

I DON'T KNOW,

GET A FUCKING DRIVER'S LICENSE.

FUCK, I HATE HER.

I HATE SARAH PALIN SO MUCH.

OH, I HATE HER.

OH, I HATE HER SO MUCH.

BUT SHE'S HOT, AND I WOULD

TOTALLY FUCK HER.

I WOULD...

I WOULD TOTALLY...

I'M NOT MAKING THE UMA MISTAKE

TWICE, PEOPLE.

OPPORTUNITY PRESENTS ITSELF,

THERE WILL BE

SOME PALIN FUCKING

GOING ON.

BUT I'LL FEEL BADLY ABOUT IT,

AS A LIBERAL.

I'LL FEEL BADLY.

I'LL DEFINITELY HAVE TO LIE

TO MY FRIENDS.

I'LL HAVE TO... HAVE TO CLAIM,

LIKE, I THOUGHT IT WAS TINA FEY,

UH, JUST...

IT'S...

AND IT WAS WEIRD, DUDE.

SHE WOULDN'T

BREAK CHARACTER, MAN.

SHE WAS ALL JUST,

"WE THE PEOPLE,"

THEN SOME GIBBERISH

AND DROOLING.

BUT FUCK IT.

SHE'S A COMIC GENIUS,

AND I WANT TO BE

ON 30 ROCK, SO I DID IT.

BUT I'LL TELL YOU,

YOU KNOW WHAT I LOVE?

I LOVE SCIENCE.

I THINK SCIENCE IS AMAZING.

SCIENCE, I THINK,

IS ONE OF THE GREATEST THINGS

OUR SPECIES HAS EVER DONE.

SCIENCE,

IT'S JUST FUCKING AWESOME.

AND THERE ARE PEOPLE

WHO DON'T LIKE SCIENCE.

THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO REALLY ARE

SUSPICIOUS OF IT AND RESENT IT,

PEOPLE LIKE MICHELLE BACHMANN

AND SARAH PALIN, YOU KNOW,

WHO JUST DO NOT TRUST IT

AT ALL.

THEY DON'T TRUST SCIENCE.

THEY THINK IT'S SOMEHOW

CONSPIRING AGAINST THEM

AND THEIR BELIEFS,

AND... AND THEY LOVE

TO COME UP

WITH SORT OF PSEUDO-SCIENTIFIC

ARGUMENTS

TO SHOOT SCIENCE DOWN.

YOU KNOW, THEY LOVE SAYING

THINGS LIKE,

"ALL THE SCIENCE

ISN'T IN ON THAT."

THAT'S A FAVORITE PHRASE

AMONG STUPID PEOPLE.

ALL THE SCIENCE

ISN'T IN ON THAT,

LIKE ALL THE SCIENCE

IS EVER IN ON ANYTHING.

LIKE THERE'S EVER A TIME

WHEN SCIENTISTS JUST GO,

"WELL, WE'RE DONE

OUR SCIENCIN'.

"THAT SHOULD BE ENOUGH.

"JUST TAKE IT.

DO WHAT YOU WILL WITH IT.

BACK TO THE TITTY BAR

FOR US."

THAT'S NOT HOW SCIENCE WORKS.

SCIENCE IS AN ONGOING PROCESS.

SCIENCE IS NEVER ALL IN,

LIKE YOU SAY,

SCIENCE ISN'T ALL IN

ON GLOBAL WARMING.

YEAH, 'CAUSE ONLY 99.999%

OF THE WORLD'S SCIENTISTS AGREE

THAT IT IS MAN-MADE,

SO UNTIL ALL THE SCIENCE

IS IN,

I SAY WE JUST SET FIRE

TO ANYTHING THAT'LL BURN.

THAT'S WHAT WE GOTTA DO.

THAT'S... GOD MADE IT...

GOD WOULDN'T HAVE MADE IT

FLAMMABLE

IF HE DIDN'T WANT US

TO BURN IT.

THAT GOES FOR YOU,

FAT BILLY.

WE'RE GOING TO BURN YOU.

SORRY.

PEOPLE DON'T LIKE IT.

THEY SAY THINGS LIKE, UH,

YOU KNOW,

LIKE "THE THEORY OF EVOLUTION".

THEY LOVE TO SAY THAT THAT'S

JUST A THEORY.

IT'S NOT THE FACT

OF EVOLUTION.

IT'S THE THEORY

OF EVOLUTION.

THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT

A THEORY.

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE

IS A THEORY?

GRAVITY.

YEAH, GRAVITY'S JUST

A FUCKING THEORY.

THEY HAVEN'T DISCOVERED

THE GRAVITON,

THE PARTICLE THAT CONVEYS

GRAVITY TO MATTER.

THEY HAVEN'T COME UP

WITH THAT.

THEY HAVEN'T FOUND IT YET,

AND UNTIL THEY DO,

I THINK IT'S ALL JUNK SCIENCE.

THAT'S RIGHT.

IT'S ALL A NEWTONIAN HOAX.

AN EINSTEINIAN BOONDOGGLE,

I CALLS IT.

TILL ALL THE SCIENCE

IS IN ON GRAVITY,

I REFUSE TO BE A SLAVE

TO IT.

WHY, WHEN I'M

ON THE 15th FLOOR

AND I NEED TO GET

TO THE GROUND,

I JUST STEP OUT A WINDOW.

DOING ANYTHING ELSE

WOULD BE GIVING IN

TO LEFT-WING MEDIA HYSTERIA.

SCIENCE HAS ONLY

RECENTLY DISCOVERED

THAT 95% OF OUR UNIVERSE

IS UNACCOUNTED FOR.

I MEAN, THAT BOGGLES MY...

95% OF THE UNIVERSE

IS COMPLETELY MYSTERIOUS.

WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT IS

OR WHERE IT IS.

YOU KNOW, THEY'RE CALLING IT,

YOU KNOW,

DARK MATTER

AND DARK ENERGY

BECAUSE THEY HAVE NO IDEA

WHAT IT IS.

THEY JUST KNOW

IT HAS TO BE THERE,

'CAUSE OTHERWISE,

THE LAWS OF PHYSICS DON'T WORK,

BUT THEY HAVE NO IDEA

WHAT IT IS.

THAT'S ASTONISHING.

95% OF EVERYTHING

IN THE UNIVERSE

A COMPLETE MYSTERY.

BUT I WAS THINKING, LIKE,

BUT WHAT IF...

WHAT IF SOMEWHERE OUT THERE,

THERE WERE CREATURES

MADE OF THIS DARK STUFF?

YOU KNOW, WHAT IF THERE ARE...

THERE ARE RACES

MADE OF DARK MATTER?

AND WHAT IF THEIR SCIENTISTS

ARE LOOKING

AT THEIR UNIVERSE,

AND THEY'RE GOING,

"OH, MY GOD, 5% OF THE UNIVERSE

IS MISSING.

FUCK IT.

I CAN LIVE WITH THAT."

FUCKING DARK MATTER PEOPLE,

THEY DON'T EVEN CARE

ABOUT THE 5% OF THE UNIVERSE

THAT IS EVERYTHING TO US.

THEY'RE SO FUCKING ARROGANT,

THOSE DARK MATTER PEOPLE.

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT I SAY?

I SAY FUCK YOU,

DARK MATTER PEOPLE.

MAYBE THE UNIVERSE

IS A LOT LIKE AUSTRALIA,

AND 95% OF IT

IS JUST SHIT.

YEAH, MAYBE WE GOT ALL

THE COASTLINE OF THE UNIVERSE,

AND YOU GOT

THE FUCKING OUTBACK.

FUCKING DARK MATTER ASSHOLES.

YEAH, YOU TELL 'EM I SAID SO.

BUT AS A SPECIES, UH,

WE JUST LIKE KNOWING THINGS.

IT'S JUST IN OUR DNA

THAT... WHICH, IF...

YOU KNOW, I BELIEVE IN...

UH...

THAT WE JUST WANT

TO KNOW THINGS.

WE WANT TO KNOW THINGS

EVEN IF THERE'S NO REASON

TO KNOW THEM,

IF THERE'S NO USEFUL PURPOSE

IN KNOWING IT.

WE JUST WANT

TO KNOW THINGS.

AND A GOOD EXAMPLE OF THAT

IS A STUDY

THAT A GROUP

OF SOUTH KOREAN SCIENTISTS DID,

UM, WHERE THEY...

THEY FOUND A CORRELATION...

THIS IS A TRUE STORY.

I READ THIS

IN THE L.A. TIMES.

UH, THEY DID A STUDY

WHERE THEY FOUND A CORRELATION

BETWEEN, UH, THE RELATIVE LENGTH

OF YOUR RING FINGER

AND YOUR INDEX FINGER

AND PENIS SIZE.

THEY FOUND THAT

IF YOUR RING FINGER IS LONGER

THAN YOUR INDEX FINGER,

THAT THAT WAS AN INDICATION

OF A LARGER PENIS.

AND I'LL JUST TAKE A MOMENT

FOR ALL THE MEN

TO CHECK OUT THEIR HANDS.

AND WHILE

THEY'RE DOING THAT,

I'LL LET THE LADIES

CHECK OUT MY HAND.

CHECK IT OUT, LADIES.

LOOK AT THAT.

THAT IS ONE LANKY MOTHERFUCKER

OF A RING FINGER, LADIES.

I'M JUST SAYING.

IT'S SCIENCE.

AND THE STUDY

THAT THEY DID...

THEY WERE UROLOGICAL SURGEONS.

THEY HAD LIKE 140 PATIENTS

THAT WERE BOOKED

TO COME IN

FOR UROLOGICAL SURGERY,

RIGHT?

AND THEY BROUGHT THEM IN,

ANESTHETIZED THEM,

AND PROCEEDED TO MEASURE

THEIR FINGERS AND DICKS.

AND... FIRST, SHOULD THEY BE

DOING THIS, FIRST OFF?

'CAUSE YOU GO IN

FOR SURGERY,

YOU KINDA WANT TO HOPE

THE DOCTOR'S TAKING IT

SERIOUSLY,

THAT HE'S NOT GONNA FUCK AROUND

WITH YOUR DICK

FOR 20 MINUTES

OUT OF SOME WEIRD CURIOSITY.

BUT THEY DID THIS.

THEY MEASURED THEIR FINGERS

AND THEIR PENISES,

AND THEY MEASURED

THE PENISES FLACCID,

'CAUSE, WELL, SERIOUSLY,

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

UM, BUT THEY...

BUT THEY ALSO

MEASURED THEM...

THEY WERE ANESTHETIZED.

UM, THEY ALSO MEASURED

THEM, UH...

AND I'M QUOTING...

"STRETCHED TO THE LIMIT."

BECAUSE THEY SAID...

IN THE STUDY, THEY SAID THIS...

THAT IT IS BELIEVED

THAT STRETCHING A PENIS

TO ITS LIMIT

APPROXIMATES

ERECT PENIS LENGTH.

BUT IT'S JUST A THEORY

AT THIS POINT.

ALL THE SCIENCE

ISN'T IN ON THIS ONE.

WE NEED TO DO A LOT MORE

PEER-REVIEWED PENIS STRETCHING

BEFORE IT'S A HARD FACT.

RIGHT? LIKE, HOW DO YOU KNOW

YOU'VE STRETCHED A PENIS

TO ITS LIMIT,

UNLESS YOU HAVE

AT SOME POINT

STRETCHED ONE PAST

ITS LIMIT?

UNLESS YOU JUST RIPPED ONE

THE FUCK OFF,

AND IT'S LIKE,

"DO WE STILL MEASURE THIS ONE?"

NO, WE DON'T FUCKING

MEASURE IT!

OH, AND YOU'VE RUINED

THE SAMPLE SIZE.

NOW NO ONE'S GOING TO TAKE

MY PENIS STUDY SERIOUSLY.

I'LL NEVER GET OUT

OF SOUTH KOREA.

I'M AFRAID OF MUSLIMS.

I MEAN, NOT ALL MUSLIMS.

OBVIOUSLY, THAT WOULD BE...

THAT WOULD BE WRONG.

UH, I'M AFRAID OF, UH...

IT MIGHT BE A SMALL GROUP

OF MUSLIMS

THAT I'M AFRAID OF.

I'M NOT SURE.

MIGHT EVEN BE JUST, LIKE,

ONE MUSLIM

THAT I'M AFRAID OF.

UM, I'M AFRAID

OF THE MUSLIM

WHO MIGHT HEAR ME

TELL A JOKE TONIGHT

AND THEN SAY TO HIMSELF,

"HEY, WOULDN'T IT BE COOL

TO KILL HIM?"

THAT MUSLIM SCARES

THE SHIT OUT OF ME,

'CAUSE HE'S OUT THERE.

HE'S DEFINITELY OUT THERE

SOMEWHERE.

I MEAN, THERE WAS A GUY

WHO WAS PLOTTING TO MURDER

MATT STONE AND TREY PARKER,

THE PRODUCERS OF SOUTH PARK,

BECAUSE THEY PUT MOHAMMED

IN A BEAR SUIT

ON AN EPISODE OF SOUTH PARK,

WHICH WAS THEIR WAY OF AVOIDING

DEPICTING THE PROFIT MOHAMMED,

WHICH SHOWS THEY'RE ALSO

AFRAID OF MUSLIMS.

ALL COMEDIANS ARE.

ALL...

MUSLIM COMEDIANS ARE AFRAID

OF OTHER MUSLIMS, RIGHT?

'CAUSE, LIKE, I WOULD LOVE

TO TELL YOU A JOKE

ABOUT MOHAMMED TONIGHT,

UH,

BUT I WON'T,

'CAUSE I'M A-SCARED TO.

JUST TOO AFRAID TO DO IT.

BUT I CAN SAY

THE MOST OFFENSIVE THING

I CAN THINK OF

ABOUT JESUS CHRIST TONIGHT.

IT'S TRUE. I CAN SAY...

I CAN SAY,

JESUS CHRIST WAS A PEDOPHILE.

HE WAS... WITH HALITOSIS.

HE WAS A PEDOPHILE

WITH HALITOSIS.

LIKE, THAT'S WHAT THE KIDS

WOULD OBJECT TO.

THEY WOULD SAY, "JESUS, WE DON'T

MIND THE RAPIN' SO MUCH,

"BUT FOR FUCK'S SAKES,

FLOSS OCCASIONALLY.

YOUR MOUTH SMELLS LIKE ASS."

NOW, I CAN SAY THAT,

AND I WILL AGREE WITH YOU

THAT THAT'S PRETTY OFFENSIVE.

BUT I CAN SAY THAT TONIGHT,

AND THEN I CAN LEAVE HERE,

AND I CAN WALK HOME

THROUGH THE MOST DANGEROUS

CHRISTIAN NEIGHBORHOOD IN TOWN

AND LIVE.

I CAN LIVE.

AND THAT'S SOMETHING,

AS A CULTURE,

THAT WE CAN ALL BE PROUD OF.

WE CAN BE PROUD OF THE FACT

THAT WE'VE GOTTEN

TO A POINT

IN OUR HISTORY

WHERE WE CAN HEAR SOMETHING THAT

MIGHT HORRIBLY OFFEND US,

BUT WE DON'T NECESSARILY

HAVE TO MURDER

THE PERSON WHO SAID IT.

WE COULD SATISFY OURSELVES

WITH A HEARTY TSK, TSK.

YOU KNOW, WE DON'T THINK GOD

NEEDS US TO HAVE HIS BACK.

GOD ISN'T IN HEAVEN GOING,

"DID YOU HEAR WHAT HE SAID?

"DID YOU?

AND YOU JUST SAT THERE?

YOU JUST...

YOU DON'T LOVE ME!"

GOD LOCKS HIMSELF

IN THE BATHROOM ALL NIGHT.

THAT'S A FUCKING SHITTY GOD.

BUT WE DON'T...

YEAH, WE DON'T.

WE'VE GOTTEN A LITTLE FURTHER

ALONG, RIGHT?

WE CAN BE PROUD OF THAT,

BUT WE SHOULDN'T GET SMUG

ABOUT IT, YOU KNOW?

WE SHOULDN'T GET SMUG

ABOUT IT

BECAUSE WE'RE NOT BETTER

THAN THE ISLAMIC WORLD.

WE'RE JUST SLIGHTLY FURTHER

DOWN THE EXACT SAME ROAD, RIGHT?

'CAUSE YOU GOT TO BEAR IN MIND

THAT CHRISTIANITY HAD

A 600-YEAR HEAD START

ON ISLAM, RIGHT?

SO YOU WIND THE CLOCK BACK

600 YEARS ON CHRISTIANITY,

AND I'M A STANDUP COMEDIAN

WORKING DURING THE INQUISITION.

I JUST MIGHT SKIP

MY JESUS BIT.

I MIGHT GO STRAIGHT TO

MY WITCHES BE CRAZY MATERIAL.

YEAH, WHITE WITCHES

ARE ALL "BLAH, BLAH, BLAH."

BLACK WITCHES ARE

ALL "OH, NO, YOU DIDN'T."

SO WE'RE NOT BETTER.

WE'RE JUST FURTHER DOWN

THE EXACT SAME ROAD, RIGHT?

AHH.

I'M NOT A RACIST.

I SAY THAT JUST IN CASE

I'M WRONG.

UM...

AND I KNOW RACISM

IS COOL AGAIN.

I KNOW IT'S BACK.

UM...

WE GOT A BLACK PRESIDENT,

SO NOW IT'S OKAY

TO BE RACIST AGAIN.

UM, AND I GUESS, YOU KNOW,

IT LOOKS LIKE, I MEAN,

IT'S PROBABLY FUN

BEING A RACIST, YOU KNOW,

HANGING OUT

WITH YOUR RACIST BUDDIES,

SINGING DOO-WOP SONGS,

AND SAYING THE "N" WORD,

UH, WHICH IS NIGGER,

BY THE WAY.

UM, I DON'T KNOW IF...

IS ANYONE HERE NOT IN ON...

IN ON... ANYONE NOT KNOW THAT?

THAT'S... IT'S...

THAT'S WHAT IT IS.

IT'S NOT, YOU KNOW...

ANYONE HERE

NOT IN ON THE CODE?

UH, IT'S NOT LIKE

IT'S PARTICULARLY GOOD CODE.

IT'S NOT LIKE IT'S...

NOT LIKE IT'S ALGEBRA.

YOU KNOW,

IT'S NOT LIKE IT'S...

UNLESS, OF COURSE,

THE EQUATION IS,

IF "S" EQUALS SOCIAL DISCOMFORT

AND "L" EQUALS

LIBERAL WHITE GUILT,

THEN "N" IS NIGGER.

'CAUSE THE ONLY TIME YOU EVER

HEAR ANYONE SAY THE PHRASE

"THE 'N' WORD"

IS WHEN THEY WANT TO TELL YOU

ABOUT SOMEBODY ELSE

THEY HEARD SAY NIGGER,

AND THEY WANT TO TELL YOU

HOW OFFENDED THEY WERE

AND WHAT GOOD PEOPLE THEY ARE

FOR BEING OFFENDED.

SO THEY'LL BE LIKE, "YEAH,

ME AND MY BUDDY WERE OUT

"THE OTHER NIGHT,

AND WE JUST...

"WE HEARD THIS GUY

SAYING THE 'N' WORD.

"WE COULDN'T BELIEVE IT.

"HE WAS JUST SAYING IT,

JUST SAYING THE 'N' WORD.

"WE COULDN'T... WE COULD...

WELL, I DID THE ONLY THING

"I COULD DO.

"I GAVE MY FRIEND A LOOK.

I WENT...

"I MADE IT PRETTY CLEAR

I DISAPPROVED.

"I FELT LIKE MARTIN LUTHER

KING, JR. THAT NIGHT.

I WAS A DIFFERENCE-MAKER."

'CAUSE...'CAUSE IT'S LIKE PEOPLE

WHO SAY, UH,

"SUGAR" WHEN THEY MEAN SHIT

AND THEY THINK

THAT MAKES THEM NICE PEOPLE,

AND IT DOESN'T,

'CAUSE WE KNOW YOU MEAN SHIT.

WE KNOW YOU MEAN SHIT BECAUSE

NO ONE EVER GOT THAT UPSET

ABOUT STEPPING

IN A PILE OF SUGAR.

NO ONE EVER SAID,

"WHY IS THIS STEAMING PILE

"OF SUGAR HERE?

OH, IT'S IN MY FAVORITE SHOES

"WITH THE DEEP, INTRICATE TREAD.

I'LL NEVER GET IT OUT.

"MM, MM. OH, WELL.

I'LL JUST LICK MY SHOE.

AGH, LAH, LAH, MMM."

OR, WHAT SHOULD BE

THE MOST OFFENSIVE SUBSTITUTION,

UH, IF YOU BELIEVE IN GOD,

WHICH, AGAIN, IS CRAZY,

BUT IF YOU DO,

UH, IS GOSH DARN.

THAT SHOULD BE THE MOST

OFFENSIVE PHRASE ON EARTH.

'CAUSE THAT IMPLIES

THAT YOU CAN TRICK GOD.

LIKE GOD'S TOO FUCKING THICK

TO FIGURE IT OUT.

LIKE GOD'LL BE THERE

JUST GOING...

WHAT WAS THAT?

OH, OH, OH, GOSH DARN.

I'M SORRY, I THOUGHT YOU SAID

SOMETHING ELSE.

I'M SORRY. I WAS GONNA CONDEMN

YOU TO HELL FOR ETERNITY.

OH, MY GOD. OH.

THAT WAS...

THAT WAS GOSH DARN.

I DON'T EVEN...

I DON'T EVEN KNOW

WHAT THAT MEANS.

I DON'T EVEN THINK

THOSE ARE WORDS, FRANKLY.

I MEAN...

OH, I BETTER GET THESE OLD EARS

CHECKED OUT, I GUESS.

I DON'T...

MIGHT WANNA GET SOME THERAPY.

WHY AM I SO QUICK TO ANGER?

UGH.

I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE BECAUSE

I NEVER HAD A FATHER.

I KNOW THAT'S WHY

I CAN'T RELATE TO MY SON.

GOT TO DEAL

WITH THIS BULLSHIT.

"OH, FATHER, WHY HAS THOU

FORSAKEN ME?"

OH, GROW A PAIR,

WHY DON'T YOU, JESUS?

BUT THE "N" WORD

WE HAVE A PROBLEM WITH.

WE HAVE A PROBLEM WITH IT,

AND I THINK IT'S BECAUSE

PEOPLE STILL BELIEVE

THAT THERE ARE BAD WORDS,

YOU KNOW,

WHICH I DON'T THINK IS TRUE.

I DON'T THINK IT'S POSSIBLE

FOR THERE TO BE BAD WORDS,

BECAUSE WORDS DON'T HAVE

A CENTRAL NERVOUS SYSTEM.

THEY CAN'T TAKE

INDEPENDENT ACTION

OR MAKE ETHICAL

OR MORAL DECISIONS.

THEY'RE JUST NOISES

WE MAKE.

THEY'RE JUST NOISES

THAT WE MAKE WITH OUR MOUTHS,

AND THEN WE ALL GET TOGETHER

AS A SOCIETY

AND AGREE ON

WHAT EACH NOISE MEANS.

WE GO, "THIS NOISE MEANS CHAIR.

SIT DOWN, RELAX."

THAT'S HOW LANGUAGE WORKS.

SO WHEN YOU SAY

"THE 'N' WORD,"

EVERYBODY STILL HEARS "NIGGER"

IN THEIR HEAD, RIGHT?

SO ALL YOU'VE DONE IS MADE

EVERYONE ELSE RESPONSIBLE

FOR HEARING IT.

AND THAT'S PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE,

AND STOP IT.

'CAUSE IT'S ABOUT INTENTIONS.

IT'S NOT JUST THE MEANINGS

OF THE WORDS,

'CAUSE, LIKE, IF ALL YOU HEAR

ARE THE WORDS I SAY

AND NOT WHAT I SAY

WITH THOSE WORDS,

THEN WE CAN'T COMMUNICATE,

RIGHT?

'CAUSE YOU CAN SAY

THE WORD.

YOU CAN SAY THE DREADED WORD

WITHOUT ME NECESSARILY THINKING

YOU BELIEVE IT'S

AN APPROPRIATE THING TO CALL

ANOTHER HUMAN BEING,

'CAUSE I DON'T THINK IT IS.

ALL RIGHT?

BUT I CAN HEAR SOMEONE SAY,

"I HEARD THIS PIECE OF SHIT

GOING ON AND ON

"ABOUT THE TROUBLE

WITH THE NIGGERS.

WHAT A PIECE OF SHIT

THAT GUY WAS."

I CAN HEAR THAT

AND THEN, LIKE SHERLOCK HOLMES,

FIGURE OUT FROM THE CONTEXT,

MAYBE YOU'RE NOT A RACIST.

BUT CONVERSELY, IF YOU SHOUT,

"HEY, YOU 'N' WORD,

GET AWAY FROM

THAT WHITE LADY!"

THAT DOESN'T MAKE

THE SENTIMENT OKAY.

'CAUSE IT'S ABOUT

YOUR INTENTIONS WITH THE WORDS.

IT'S ABOUT HOW YOU WANT

THE WORDS TO BE HEARD

AND INTERPRETED,

NOT THE WORDS THEMSELVES.

'CAUSE I WOULD LOVE TO THINK

THAT WE COULD REALLY DEAL A BLOW

TO RACISM BY JUST ALL SAYING

"THE 'N' WORD."

THAT WOULD BE FANTASTIC.

I'D BE ALL FOR IT.

AND WE COULD JUST MOVE ON

TO SOMETHING ELSE, RIGHT?

BE LIKE... LIKE LET'S DEAL

WITH VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMEN.

OKAY, FROM NOW ON, UH,

RAPE WILL BE THE "R" WORD.

OH, RETARDS ALREADY GOT THAT?

FUCK.

SORRY, LADIES.

THE VIOLENCE CONTINUES.

WE DID ALL WE COULD.

WE CHANGED THE WORD.

BUT THE "N" WORD.

SO IT'S...

IT'S ABOUT THIS CONFUSION

BETWEEN INTENTION AND MEANING.

AND I THINK, UH,

A REALLY GOOD EXAMPLE OF THAT

WAS WHEN A PUBLISHING HOUSE

DECIDED THEY WERE GONNA PUBLISH

A VERSION OF THE GREAT AMERICAN

NOVEL HUCKLEBERRY FINN,

UH, WHERE THEY WERE GOING TO,

UH, REMOVE EVERY USAGE

OF THE WORD "NIGGER"

IN THE BOOK,

UH, BECAUSE THEY CAN'T SELL

THE BOOK TO THE SCHOOLS

BECAUSE OF THIS, RIGHT?

WE USED TO STUDY IT IN SCHOOLS,

BUT WE DON'T ANYMORE

BECAUSE TEACHERS DON'T WANT

TO HAVE TO DEAL

WITH ANGRY PARENTS

COMING IN AND SAYING,

"WHY DOES MY CHILD HAVE TO READ

THIS HORRIBLE WORD?"

AND THEY DIDN'T WANT TO HAVE

TO DEAL WITH THE CHILDREN

ASKING QUESTIONS AND

INADVERTENTLY BECOMING EDUCATED.

SO SOMEONE HAD

THE BRILLIANT IDEA OF,

WHY DON'T WE JUST...

JUST TAKE THE WORD OUT?

WE TAKE THE WORD OUT,

AND WE CAN SELL

SOME FUCKING BOOKS.

WE'LL TAKE IT OUT.

AND I SORT OF SYMPATHIZE,

TO A CERTAIN EXTENT,

BECAUSE, I MEAN,

THE WORD, YOU KNOW,

HAS A LOT OF UGLY CONNOTATIONS

TO IT.

THE WORD HAS BEEN USED

TO... TO DEMEAN

AND DEHUMANIZE AND DIMINISH

OUR FELLOW HUMAN BEINGS

FOR A VERY LONG TIME.

THERE'S A LOT OF UGLINESS

CONNECTED TO THE WORD.

SO I UNDERSTAND THE...

THE DESIRE, RIGHT?

SO THEY SAID, ALL RIGHT,

LET'S TAKE THE WORD OUT

BECAUSE OF ITS CONNOTATIONS,

AND WE'LL REPLACE IT

WITH "SLAVE."

BECAUSE "SLAVE" HAS

ONLY POSITIVE CONNOTATIONS.

AND IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME,

NEXT TIME YOU SEE

AN ANGRY-LOOKING BLACK GUY,

JUST SHOUT OUT TO HIM,

"WHAT UP, MY SLAVE?"

YOU WATCH HIS FACE LIGHT UP.

AND, UH,

AND JUST BEFORE I GO,

I WANT TO TELL YOU

A STORY.

I WANT TO TELL YOU A STORY

ABOUT THE FIRST TIME

THAT I EVER DID THAT BIT,

THE BIT I JUST DID.

UH, I'LL CALL IT

THE "N" WORD BIT.

I DON'T WANT

TO OFFEND ANYBODY.

UM...

THE FIRST TIME I DID IT,

IT WAS ONE

OF MY FIRST ROAD GIGS,

UM, WHEN I STARTED

DOING STANDUP AGAIN.

AND I DID IT IN, UH,

IN ST. LOUIS.

female audience member:

I KNOW, I KNOW.

REMEMBER EARLIER,

WHEN I SAID I WAS SMART?

THAT WAS A JOKE.

I'M NOT VERY SMART.

BUT I DID IT IN ST. LOUIS,

AND, UM, AND LITERALLY

2/3 OF THE AUDIENCE

WALKED OUT.

2/3 OF THE AUDIENCE

WALKED OUT.

AND IT STARTED

WITH, LIKE, THIS...

THE FIRST TIME THE WORD "NIGGER"

DROPPED FROM MY LIPS,

SOMEBODY JUST LEAPT UP

AND WENT, "AAH!

BWAH! WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!"

AND ONCE ONE PERSON

DOES THAT,

THEN EVERYBODY ELSE FIGURES,

WELL, I'D BETTER

"BWAH-WHOA" MY WAY OUT TOO.

I DON'T WANT PEOPLE THINKING

I'M ON HIS SIDE.

SO THEY KEPT LEAVING,

AND EVENTUALLY,

IT WAS JUST ME AND ALL

THE BLACK PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE

STARING AT EACH OTHER,

GOING, "I DON'T KNOW."

AND...

ONE WOMAN...

ONE WOMAN WAS SO OFFENDED,

SHE WENT OUT INTO THE LOBBY,

AND SHE JUST KEPT SCREAMING,

"HE CAN'T SAY NIGGER!

NO! HE CAN'T SAY NIGGER!"

UNTIL EVENTUALLY, THE MANAGER

HAD TO COME UP TO HER AND SAY,

"MADAM, WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP

SCREAMING NIGGER IN OUR LOBBY?"

AND THAT MADE ME VERY HAPPY.

AS HAVE ALL OF YOU TONIGHT.

YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN FABULOUS.

THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.

THANK YOU SO MUCH

FOR BEING HERE.

YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN GREAT.

LET IT GO.

IT'S GONNA GO ALL THE WAY! OH!

Dave Foley: Relatively Well (2013) - full transcript