Daria in 'Is It Fall Yet?' (2000) - full transcript

Well, students... I certainly
appreciate your help in cleaning out
the classroom for the summer.

It almost makes me forget that most
of you didn't learn a thing all year!

That's not true. I learned
to sleep sitting up.

Mr. D., as Q.B., I think I can speak...

Careful with that map, Kevin!

Eep!

Now... without turning around.

Did you want to dangle a morsel of
hope before me by announcing you're
doing something constructive this summer

like partaking in much-needed remedial
classes or some sort of vocation?

I'm not going on vacation. Me and
Britt are going to be lifeguards.

No turning, Kevin!



Urk!

Do not turn until...
Did you say lifeguards?

It'll be really easy 'cause
I already know how to use... oops!
Um, a bullhorn?

Augh... argh!

Why couldn't I have been born
during an influenza epidemic?

Or at the base of a volcano?

Why did I survive, grow tall and strong,
only to squander all my potential
by becoming a teacher?!

Argh...!

When he would have made such
a wonderful motivational speaker.

Now remember, the P-STATs are a
good "dry run" for your college boards.

If you got 1,200 points or better, kudos!

You'll have a wide and
exciting choice of colleges.

And for those with less, uh, robust scores,
there are still wonderful opportunities
in the food services sector.

Hmm... 940.



9... 02.

955.

956. I guess we're all of
comparable intelligence.

Yeah... comparable.

All right, have a rewarding and
growth-filled summer, everyone.

And by the way, we still have openings
for counselors at the "Okay to Cry Corral",

my day camp for sensitive children
and those who'd like to be.
It's going to be wonderful i hope.

some of...

Um... all right, then. I'll miss you all, too.

Quinn, you'd like to join the roundup
at the Okay to Cry Corral and
make a difference in a child's life?

Why would I want to do that?
I just, um, need to ask you something.

Problems at home? Is it your mother?
She seems awfully stressed.
Has she been acting out on you?

It's about my test score.

Oh...

Um, let's say you got a certain score
on a test, and it wasn't terrible,

but some other people got almost
the same score, people you really
thought you could do better than,

although for personal reasons you'd
rather not name them or say why?

Um... what?

Okay, forget everything I just said.
Let's try this.
Can I get into Pepperhill with a 955?

955? Oh, dear. Well, let's see.

Pepperhill University.

It is known more for its wide
range of social activities
than for academics, but... ah!

Uh-oh. I'm afraid to get into
Pepperhill you'll need a combined
score of at least 1,000.

But that's not fair! I didn't have time
to study with my Fashion Club duties.

Don't extracurricular activities
count for anything?

Hmm. You think you might have
done better if you'd studied?

Who were those other
people you mentioned?

I told you to forget them.

Eep! Of course you did.
Well, Quinn, if you think studying
would help, I say go for it!

Take this summer to crack the books.
Hire a tutor. Put your nose
to the proverbial grindstone.

What's wrong with my nose?

I think I'm finally finding out
what it feels like to be a Lane.

That can't be, since it's only afternoon
and you're already out of bed.

I mean the lack of tiresome parental involvement.

Mine have been so busy they've
completely forgotten to force me
into some dumb summer activity.
I'm turning into you.

Well, you've got so much else of mine,
you might as well have my identity.

Hey...!

Take a joke, Daria.
Anyway, que ironico.
You don't have summer plans, I do.

Ironico's not a word.

This old commune-mate of my mother's
runs an artists' colony. I've been
accepted into their summer program.

That's great...

That sounds sincere.

Why didn't you say anything?

I didn't want to jinx it.

Two months of painting and sculpting
my heart out in a college town
in the middle of nowhere.

Starting this weekend.

Does this college town have a name,
or do you just turn left at
the kid with the tractor?

Cheer up, Daria. Without me around,
you'll have that much more
time for your budding social life.

This college book said you need
a score of 1,000 and a B-minus
average to get into Pepperhill.

God, we're only flesh and blood.

Stacy... eww.

Sorry.

So we'll go somewhere else.
Somewhere that appreciates
our specialness and individuality.

But I'm sure I can do
better on those tests.

You can do better?

We. Did I say me? We.

Gee, Quinn, I'm glad you think you're
so much smarter than the rest of us,
but you're worried about nothing.

We have plenty of time to pull up our test scores next year.

Yeah! No sweat.

Stacy... eww.

Sorry.

More waffles, Dad?
I found an extra stick of butter.

No thanks... the old diet, you know.
May second? Hey! It's June!
These waffles have expired!

Relax, Jake. That's a sell-by date.
They've been frozen since then.
They're fine.

Easy for you to say. You didn't
just eat four poisoned waffles!

Mom's right. Besides, if you had
food poisoning you'd be developing
a very mild stomachache by now.

A mild stomachache?
I think I have one, damn it!

Jake, can't you ever tell
when anyone's joking?

Of course I can. Um...
you're not doing it now, are you?

It's June?!
Oh, my gosh, Daria, what
are you doing this summer?

I was wondering when you'd ask,
but don't worry. I have a job.

Good for you, kiddo.

I see... and what exactly is this job?

I'm sorry, but the confidentiality
agreement I signed with the government
prevents me from revealing that.

I've already said too much.

Wow!

I mean, wow,
what a funny joke.

Daria, I'm serious.
I'm not going to let you sit
around the house all summer.

Fine. I'll lie around the house all summer.

Quinn, what are your plans for the summer?

All right, I admit it!
My P-STAT scores were a little low.

What?

Sandi said we have plenty
of time to catch up next year.

What about all the new things
you'll have to learn then?

Yeah. The second half of the alphabet
is even harder than the first.

Oh, great. So you think I should get
a tutor, too. Aren't there, like,
any TV shows I can watch?

Good idea. You wouldn't want to flunk
the essay section on Matlock.

Ha! Matlock.

Well, if you don't want a tutor, then...

Fine! A tutor it is.

Just make it out to me - Brittany!

Gee... thanks for clearing that up.

You're welcome!
What are you guys doing this summer?

Two internships, volunteer community
service, a part-time job and,
in my spare time, golf lessons.

Wow! What about you, Mack Daddy?

Driving an ice-cream truck.

That's not very prestidigitatious.

Thanks for pointing that out.

You're welcome.

Mack owes his father some money
and I think it's very conscientious of him
to take that job and pay him back.

Yeah. He gets the money,
I get the humiliation.

Mack, it'll be fine.

Wait... isn't golf for old
people who dress funny?

Yeah - my parents.

They're trying to get into
Winged Tree Country Club and
they want me to learn how to play.

Hey, do you get to wear one of
those little hats and ring that bell
that goes ding-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling?

A-ling?

So I told my parents, all right,
I'll go with you on your little trip
to Bermuda, but don't expect me
to take part in any family luaus.

But isn't it Hawaii where they do luaus?

Gee, Quinn, that's exactly
what my mother said.
Maybe you should go with them.

What are you doing this summer, Quinn?

Oh, nothing special.
See some movies, catch up
on my dating... get a tutor.

A tutor?

Oh, Quinn, I'm so sorry.

Really...

I know. It's terrible.
But my mother's making me.

Um, you guys will keep it
to yourselves, won't you?

Of course.

You can trust us.

You have our word...

You guys are the best!

I think we should talk.

Okay. We are now talking.

About the Tom thing.

That I don't want to talk about.

If you're still upset about it,
we should deal with it now.

Especially since we won't
be seeing each other all summer.

You don't get it, do you?
I don't want to talk about it.
I don't want to think about it.

I told you, I'm not mad at you about Tom.
Now let it freaking go, okay?

Can I at least take you out for
a good-luck pizza before you
leave for your big art adventure?

Daria, I said let it go.

Jake, put the paper down.
That boy Daria's been
dating is on his way over.

You mean Quinn's been dating.

No, Daria.

Oh! Good one, honey.
Old Jake Morgendorffer sure
appreciates a funny joke.

Jake, will you listen to me, please?

Daria's been out with this Tom
several times and we're
finally going to meet him,

and I want to make sure we
have our game plan together.

Wait, I remember now.
The guy without any vocal cords.

I want you to stay cool and
relaxed and not embarrass her
by getting all nervous and crazy.

Daria said he communicates
by blinking. Now was it one blink
for yes or one blink for no?

Jake, she was joking!

I know! Ha-ha-ha-ha...!
Now, what's the game plan?

The game plan is,
you don't say a word.

So he won't feel self-conscious
about the vocal cords, right?

Oh...!

- Hello! You must be Tom.
- I...

- I'm Helen Morgendorffer.
- Glad to...

- Won't you come in?
- I'd...
- Great!

We've heard so much about you, Tom.

Really?

Um, well, actually...

Hey there, young man!
Jake Morgendorffer.

Hi, I'm Tom Sloane.

Sloane? Not the same Sloane
as in Grace, Sloane and Page?

Well, that's my dad, so I guess...

Grace, Sloane and Page?! Hey, sign me
up for a little of that insider trading.
Ha-ha!

Little joke, of course.
Class firm like your father's
would never, uh, mmm...

Say, you know, my vocal cords
hurt. I'd better go gargle.

Sorry about that. They've
been acting a little strange ever
since, oh, I can remember.

- Pizza?
- Okay.

What's this?

My new car.
Well, my grandmother's old one.

Did you want this car?

Well, yeah, after my parents
had my old one towed away
in the middle of the night.

Note to self: leave Quinn out on curb tonight.

Oh, hi, Daria!

Um, hello.

Hey, Daria,
I didn't know you had a brother.

What?

Jane's going out with your brother?
Wow!

What?

You're Tom, right?
Jane's boyfriend?

Well, I'm Tom, but...

How long have you and
Daria been brothers?

I mean, how long has Daria been
your brother? Wait a minute, uh...

Actually...

Um, listen, it's been great talking
and all, but we've got to get back
to the Rent-a-Brother shop

before they charge us for an extra day.
Bye.

You know what, babe? I don't
think he's her brother at all.

What's the matter?

I can't do this. I can't spend the
evening in there explaining to people
that no, you're not my brother,

and no, you're not Jane's boyfriend,
you're actually my, uh...

- Yes?
- Guy I'm dating.

Okay. I understand.
I know, let's bag the pizza place
and go to my parents' club.

You're not much
for crafty strategizing, are you?

Nobody knows you there.

Besides, they charge my folks for meals
whether they eat them or not, so we
might as well get their money's worth.

Tom, as much as I'd like to help
your family in their time of need...

Do they have cheddar fries?

Think you'll come visit me while I'm
working in my father's office this month?
You can help me file earnings reports.

Oh, sure, that old line.
Boy, you can really smell the mold
on the old money in here, can't you?

Better on the money
than on the food. Uh-oh...

Someone pull out a new twenty?

Mom, Dad... Elsie. Daria, this is my
mother and father and my sister, Elsie.

- Hi Daria!
- Hi, nice to meet you.
- Hi.

I just spoke with Aunt Mildred.
She's made a lot of improvements
on the house.

She had the screen door fixed.

We always spend August at the cove
with my great Aunt Mildred.
It's kind of a tradition.

In other words,
we don't have a choice.

Elsie!

How about you, Daria? I'll bet you have
something fun planned for the summer.

Um...

Actually, Daria's just going to relax.
She's earned it - she made high
honor roll all three trimesters.

Fielding doesn't have trimesters.

I go to Lawndale High.

Oh. Well, high honor roll is
an achievement at any school.

Actually, at ours it just means you
managed to stay out of prison all year.

Sorry about the family onslaught.

No big deal. Your parents had to find
out you were dating me sometime.

Does that bother you?
That I hadn't told them about you?

No.

Daria, I never tell them about anyone I'm dating.

Now I really feel special.

Well, you should. Because I like you.

Thanks. Um, I'd better be going.

Hold on. I want to ask you...
do you, you know...
feel the same way about me?

Uh, yeah. Sure. Bye.

Hi, I'm David Sorenson.
Are you Quinn?

I don't know.
Is this the ninth circle of Hell?

The Divine Comedy.

Wait a minute, you know that?
All right. Who are you and what
do you want with my sister?

I'm here to tutor her.

Seriously.

Quinn, your tutor's here!
David, hi. Helen Morgendorffer.
Don't mind Daria.

Unemployment does strange
things to one's mind.

Eric tells me you've worked
wonders with his niece.

Jasmine's been doing very well.
Of course, it makes my job easier to
have the support of involved parents.

Yes. Quinn!

I see here that you took
European History last year.
I guess there's no need repeating that.

Oh, yeah. Napoleon,
Waterworld, the A La Carta.

Hmm... "revisit European history."
Moving on to literature. I want you
to check off all the books you've read.

No point in assigning
Ethan Frome or Silas Marner again.

What did they write?

Uh... okay.
How's this for an idea? You tell
me which are your best subjects.

Well, let's see...
I have an unerring color sense.

I got a postcard from your mother.
Boy, do I envy her in Death Valley.

Can you believe there are some people
who wouldn't want to go there in July?

I know... here we are.

I'm not saying Fauvism didn't have its
place, but now it just looks like so much
black-velvet junk at the swap-meet.

That's not fair. You can't evaluate the work outside the context of its time.

You can if it's good.

Everyone, I'd like you to meet
your new housemate, Jane.
Jane... Caroline, Jett, Anais, and Paris.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Enjoy. I'll see you later.

Thanks.

- Nice haircut.
- Thanks, I...

Anyway, color is not something
you just fling around like
a dog marking its territory.

Kevvy! You look so cute.

And you look hot.

And your muscles, they're so ripply.

Aw, babe.

Hey! You guys are supposed
to be watching the pool!

What about this arm?
Is it ripply, too?

Ooh... let me see how ripply.

Oh...

Can't talk... top secret mission.

Well, complete your mission soon
because I'm sending you on another one.

Mr. O'Neill called looking for day
camp volunteers and I signed you up.

You didn't.

You start Monday.
I'm sorry, but you're not staying
locked up in your room all summer.

So instead, you're going to lock me
up with a busload of whiny kids and
the poor man's Kathy Lee Gifford.

Daria, you need to be more tolerant.
You know what they say.
"Judge and be judged."

And I judge myself unfit
for human contact.

That's exactly what you will be if you
don't start engaging with the rest of us.

You keep hiding your real face
behind that antisocial mask and
one day the mask will be your face.

I'm not letting that happen.
You're working at that camp.

What about my feelings?
What about my rights?

What about my bribe?

But Stacy, how can I possibly decide
if you should wear your chocolate brown
or beige brown headband if you
haven't picked out your eyeliner?

Beige brown, bye.

Sorry.

Okay. As I was saying, people in
the Middle Ages were in constant...

God, we're still in the Middle Ages?
I mean, things were so depressing
then, and everyone was so short.

Sandi, hi. I'm kind of bus... she wore
under-the-knee knee socks? No!

Hang on a second.
Where are you going?

Far, far away.

Sandi, I'll call you right back. Okay.
So we were talking about short people.

No, you were talking
about sock length. See ya.

But you can't go!
I haven't learned anything!

Gee, and how do you propose
to do that when you're on the
phone through the whole session?

But they call, David, they call!

Look, you seem bright enough,
but I just can't sit here and
listen to any more vacuous prattle
with your brain-dead friends.

Eyeliner, headband colors...
God, are you boring.

I'm not boring! I'm popular!

Hey, the only reason you're popular is
your looks, and those won't last forever.

You have nothing interesting to say
and no intellectual curiosity whatsoever.

Do the world a favor and don't
go to college. Give up your spot
to somebody who wants to learn.

But... you just said I was bright!

So what? It doesn't matter, if you're
hell-bent on achieving complete brain
atrophy before you're old enough to vote.

I'm not!

Do you even know
what atrophy means?

David, my friends and I all got practically
the same scores on our P-STATs.

So?

So they were bad. And I know I can
do better. It's not like I care or
anything, it's just that I know I can.

It's not like you care?
It's not like you want to do better?
Then why the hell am I here?

All right. I care. I want to do better.

Okay, then... the Middle Ages.

With a knickknack, gentle pat,
give the dog a bone, this young
person helps out at home.

Now just the counselors.

This young person, he played...

Oh, dear.

Greetings, and welcome
to the Okay to Cry Corral.

I'm Uncle Timothy, and together,
we're going to take a journey
to the land of self-discovery.

A land where it's okay to laugh,
and it's okay... to cry.

I feel like doing that now.

And now, I'd like my co-counselors,
Daria and Uncle Anthony,

to say a few words about what
they hope to accomplish here.

After you, Daria.

Thanks, Uncle Anthony.

My goal is to get out of this unscathed.

I'm hoping to rediscover the joys
and satisfactions of teaching,
and the motives that led me
to pursue such a thankless...

I mean, rewarding profession in the first place.

At least that's what my
doctor says I need to do before
I incur a cerebral hemorrhage!

Uncle Anthony... I mean, what
are your goals for the campers?

Oh. Um...

To help make this a pleasurable
experience for all. Let's learn
to love ourselves together.

Okay. Let's divide into three groups,
shall we? One, two, three.
Daria, you take group one.

Um... hello. Would, um, anyone like to
say anything before we get started?

How come you're so pale?

Why do you bite your nails?

Do you ever smile?

Um, how about you?
Would you like to say anything?

Is it fall yet?

When I unveiled "Paper Plate
Genocide" in 1991, it was hailed as
intriguing, provocative, even brilliant.

And not just by me.

No, we all know critics
tend to get carried away.

But what was I thinking when
I created a work that seems to have
turned out both seminal and semiotic?

I can't believe
I'm getting away with this?

Excuse me, Mr. Dotson?

Please... Paris, isn't it?
Call me Daniel.

Daniel. I just want to say, I think you're
the greatest living artist of our time.

And not just because I have no taste.

I was wondering,
where do you get your inspiration?

My alimony bills.

I don't sit around and
wait for inspiration.

I grab it - in the glint of
the sun on a frozen peak...

in the pain of an arthritic's hobble...

in a lover's whisper in the dark.

So I'd have to say, my inspiration
comes from life itself.

Wow.

Well, that's enough of the old
windbag's ramblings for today.
We'll pick up here tomorrow.

- Hi. I'm Alison.
- Jane.

Our Mr. Dotson's really
something, isn't he?

Well, he certainly doesn't let substance
get in the way of self-congratulatory yap.

At least we'll never have to worry
about him intimidating us with his talent.

- I want an Astro-Pop!
- Hang on.
- Ring the bell!

- Give me a fudge bar!
- Just a second.
- The flavor went out of my sno-cone!

- You suck!
- Yeah, you suck!

Yeah?

Sounds like you're having
as good a day as I am.

Well, things are looking up now.
Want to do something later?

I can't. I'm gonna be stuffing this stupid
envelopes all night. But I'll see you at
my family's Fourth of July party, right?

Right. Unless I... shove an ice cream
scooper down someone's throat first!

Are drug-crazed rodents raiding your
child's medicine cabinet? "Rats on
Ritalin," next on Sick, Sad World.

Hey, maybe you should get some
of that for the little campers.

Ritalin or the rats?

Hello, Daria. It's nice to see you again.

Um, you, too, Mrs. Sloane. Hi, Elsie.

Elsie, why don't you show Tom
and Daria the dress Richard made
you for the Starry Night Ball?

Oh, I couldn't ruin the surprise.

Daria, is there any way I can
change your mind about going?

Then you and I could
gang up and convince Tom.

Um...

Sorry, I forgot to tell you.
Mom's on the board of the
Lawndale Art Museum.

They're holding a benefit
to raise money for a new wet bar.

A new gallery.
It should be a lot of fun.

Um, sounds like it.

If you like watching ice sculptures melt.

Actually, these things are excruciatingly
dull and stuffy, and I told her
there's no way we're going.

Well, um, I guess that's right.

You wouldn't want to compromise
your quasi-rebelliousness.

I hope Richard left enough room
in that dress for your faux jadedness.

Children! You know, Daria,
this event is not members-only.

I'd love to send your parents an invitation
if you think they'd be interested.

Um... thanks.

Are you going to blow off
fireworks at the club, too?

Sorry. I forgot. We can't. I already
told... promised Daria I'd go with her
to her friend's Fourth of July party.

Daria, what can we do
to get into your good graces?

Now, I want each of you to think
of the blue lanyard as representing
how you feel on the inside,

and the green as how you present
yourself on the outside. Picture...

It's a hundred degrees!
Can't we go for a swim in the lake?

Yeah... lake!

Now, Kristin... do we really want
to risk exposure to algae blooms?

Maybe some other time,
when it's not quite as warm out.

The blue strand represents
the gnawing feeling of failure
growing with each wasted year.

The green represents the ulcer
you're developing from the
unrelenting indignities you suffer.

Take the blue and cross it under...
I mean, over the loop and then
through the frustration... argh...!

Lanyards suck!

So continue threading the blue with
the green until you've finished.
Or can't take the tedium anymore.

Hey, Link. Need some help?

Nope. All done.

Hey, Quinn, can I get you a soda?

How about a lemon for your soda?

How about a knife for your lemon?

Um, okay.

Gee, Quinn... I'm surprised you're not
at the planetarium with the jet propulsion
club, what with all your tutoring.

Sandi, shh. I'm trying to keep
that a little quiet, remember?

Say no more. As your friend
and fellow Fashion Club officer,

I give you my solemn word that
your secret is safe with me.

Thanks, Sandi.

I will never tell a soul that you,
Quinn Morgendorffer, are seeing a tutor.

Quinn... you're seeing a tutor?

Quinn, I'm so sorry. I didn't see
them sneaking up behind you.

Um, yeah... I'm being tutored
because of my P-STAT scores.

- That's cool.
- Hey, yeah.
- Awesome.

Really?

Hey, next year could you
help me with my homework?

No, me! I'm stupider than he is.

I can barely spell my own name.

No! I'm stupider...

Gee, I didn't realize being tutored
provides you with an opportunity to help
others. Maybe I should get a tutor.

Yeah... me, too.

Oh, God, I think I need one, too.

Jodie, what have you
been up to this summer?

Soup kitchen, crisis center,
Congressman Sack's office,
fund raising, golf lessons.

Isn't she something?

Oh, yes. And Michael, is it?
What are you doing this summer?

Driving an ice cream truck.

Oh.

Hey, there's Daria with that guy
who claims to be her brother. I'm going
to trap him in his own web of lies.

Oh, Kevin, you're so... spidery!

It's been a lovely evening, but
I think I'm ready to go home now.
But first, a word from the village idiots.

- Hi, Daria! Hi, Tom!
- Hey.
- Hi.

Say there, um, Tom.
If you're Daria's brother,

how come we never saw
you before this year?

That should be obvious.
They weren't able to match up
our telltale birthmarks until now.

Oh. Hey, man, I'm sorry.

I have something to tell you two.

Tom's not my brother.

Aha!

He's the mad scientist who built me.
He has to hang around in case
my internal organs fall out.

Eww...!

I'm her date.

Good one, man.

Wait a minute, Kevvy. He's serious.
But how can you be dating
Jane and Daria?

Well, I'm not dating Jane anymore.

Oh.

Oh! Daria!

Um, will you excuse us for a while?
We'll be back right after
man walks on the sun.

Wow... Daria's dating her
best friend's boyfriend.

So then, whose brother is he?

Hey, Daria. Thanks for coming.
Tom Sloane, right? Jane's boyfriend?

Actually, we're just friends now.

Oh, that's too bad. You guys were a cute
couple. Any chance for a reconciliation?

Um, Jodie... Hell's frozen over
and Tom's here with me.

What? I mean... it didn't occur
to me that, um... you know...

Dad! You remember Daria Morgendorffer.
And this is Tom Sloane.

Sloane? You're not Angier's boy, are you?

As a matter of fact, yeah.

Great guy. And how's your
lovely mother, Katherine?

You know my mother?

I just had the pleasure.
We're up for membership at
Winged Tree and she's on the board.

Forget politics. That's power.

I can't believe I let you talk me into this.

You can't eat in your room forever.
Why go to an artists' colony if you're not
going to mingle with your fellow artists?

That's like saying why go to a penal
colony if you're not going to mingle
with your fellow... I think I'll stop there.

Come on, I know they'll warm up
to you if you give them a chance.

Um, are we by any chance
conversing across parallel dimensions?

I'll bet you dinner I'm right.

You're on, sucker.

Mind if we join you?

Not at all.

How's everyone liking the colony so far?

I love it. It's so... freeing.

And Daniel? That man is brilliant.

He said my white-on-white
painting was a stroke of inspiration.

I'll bet you two have explored
all sorts of strokes together.

Oh well, I suppose genius
does have its prerogatives.

Well, I don't know if Daniel's a genius.

No offense, Jane, but aren't you
still in high school? How much can
you know about art at this point?

Excuse me?

Paris, we all had to submit a portfolio
to be accepted here. I'd say Jane
knows quite a bit about art.

I'm sure you're right. I apologize.
Are you guys ready to go?

- Year.
- Bye.
- See you later.

Gee, that was fun. But in the future, let's
save time and just roll around on gravel.

Sorry about that. I guess I owe you one.

You owe me dinner.

Brush, brush, brush your teeth, using
good hygiene, up and down and up
and down and floss until they gleam.

Everybody!

Brush, brush, brush your teeth, using
good hygiene, up and down and up
and down, floss until they gleam.

Remember, don't think about what
you're doing, because I don't
really want a painting from you.

I want a painting from the child within.

It's so pretty out.
Can't we go for a hike? Please?

- Please
- Please

Now, campers. I wouldn't be a very
caring counselor if I let you run
higgledy-piggledy through
the poison ivy and ticks.

One day there'll be time to explore
the woods, after we explore ourselves.

Well, well, Josh. What have we here?
A football player? May I inquire why?

My child within wants to be
a winner. Everyone knows
football players are winners.

I see. Obviously, your definition
of a winner is a degenerate
slacker with pigskin for brains,

an unshakable desire to sleep through
class, and a lifetime goal of excelling
at arm noise contests while never,

ever doing any honest work
of any kind! Is that right?!

Oh, my gosh. Anthony, what happened?

I, uh... Timothy, I think I may have
spoken too harshly to a camper.

Oh, no. Was he traumatized?

I'm no good at working
with young people! Why, oh,
why did I ever think I could?

- Josh is the worst bully at camp.
- I hate his child within.
- Hooray for Uncle Anthony!

Oh...

Thank you, campers!

Okay, let's talk about the rise
and fall of the Roman Empire.
In 753 B.C., Romulus and Remus...

Um, excuse me, is this going to
take long? I still have a few accessories
left to buy for my date tonight.

Well, look. Rome wasn't built in
a day, if you know what I mean.

Good one. Might I suggest then that
we finish this session at Cashman's?

Sandi, if you're not going
to take this seriously...

Are you implying that I can't
shop and give you my attention?

Because I don't think that's the
sort of confidence-building a tutor
is supposed to provide his student.

We're not going to the mall.

You academics aren't very
understanding of the pressures
facing normal people.

Nevertheless, if we leave now,
I'll buy you a sno-cone.

Forget it. I quit.

Geek.

Steinbeck was perhaps best known for
his poignant novel about the "Okies"...

Uh-huh...

A heavy metal band famous
for having a baboon on bass.

Uh-huh...

Uh, why'd you do that?

Because I'm not here to
watch you put on makeup.

But... I don't mind.

Well, I do. Now, if you did your
reading, you'll recall that
Steinbeck was...

What are you doing?

This toaster's really shiny.

Later.

Huh?

During the Reconstruction,
Southerners complained that the newly
installed government officials were
nothing more than carpetbaggers.

They were making fun of their butts?
Wait, that would be saddlebaggers...

Oh, no... that's the look my mother
always gets when I say something stupid.

I'm such an idiot.
I'll never get anywhere in life!

At least you're trying.
Unlike Sandi and Tiffany,
whom I had to drop. Now, the carpet...

Wait, you dropped them?

Yup. The carpetbaggers...

Why didn't they tell me?
I'm being shut out.
I can't believe this is happening to me.

I knew this was going to happen to me.
Oh, why did I wear that butterfly clip?

Congressman Sack's office.
Hey! How's it going?

Terrible. You want to go
to a movie Saturday?

I have to pull a double
shift at the crisis center.

You know, I never see you anymore.

I know, but look at it this way.
I'm wasting away the summer
stuck inside all day.

At least you get to drive around in your
nice white suit ringing your little bells.

Hey, you think it's funny
that I have to do this?!

Who said it was funny?

I got to get this.
I'll talk to you later.

We want ice cream!

Yeah... later.

Daria! It's that Tom!

Hello?

Hey, it's me. I was wondering
what you're doing tonight.

Actually, I'm... not feeling that well.

Still? Then can I bring you a bowl
of soup? I'll even throw in
a couple of goldfish crackers.

Or real goldfish, if you prefer.

Thanks, but I'm kind of beat.
I think I'll pass.

Daria... is everything all right?

Never better.
I mean, except for this cold.

You know I'm leaving for
the cove in a week, right?
I won't see you for a month.

I know. Um, a month's not that long.

All right. Call me if you feel
like getting out, okay?

Sure.

Link, I asked you to stop by because I've
noticed you seem a little bit... subdued.

I was gonna say miserable, but okay.

Growing up is kind of
like being a kite, isn't it?

We want to fly, but we don't really
trust ourselves to cut the parental
string and soar with the birds.

A kite doesn't fly if you cut its string.
It blows around in the wind
for a while and then crashes.

Exactly. Just the way we...

You might know that if
you ever took us outside.

Oh, well, I...

What do you know?
'Cause it seems to me you spout out
a lot of crap about loving ourselves,

and that doesn't do any good
to someone trying to figure out

why his mother threw his father
out for being a jerk and then
went and married a bigger one.

Oh, well, that certainly sounds like
something we can talk about...

I don't want to talk about it.

I want to go to a real camp
where you run around all day doing
stuff until you're too tired to think.

Can we do that, "Uncle Timothy"?

Well, you see, Link, much as
I'd like to, we have to keep the
other children's safety in mind.

That's what I thought. You don't really
care about making kids feel better.

Of course I do!

Okay, then I guess the problem
is just that you suck at it.

It'll be okay. That was just
Link's anger with himself talking.

Um, keep up the good work.

Hey, everything okay?

How can you stand this place?!

Um, 'cause I'm one of the guards
instead of the prisoners?

Yeah. Right.

Look, you want to go for a walk?

Outside? That would be dangerous.

Tell you what. I won't say a word.
It'll be just like going by yourself,
except for the by-yourself part.

God, I envy you, Jane. To have all
that talent and focus at your age.

Oh, come on.

I wish I could be in high school
again, knowing what I know now.

A little perspective and you could
sidestep all the torture, huh?

No.

Hell, I'd trade places with
you in a minute. You're doing
exactly what I want to.

Making it on your own as an artist.

Trying to, anyway.

Hey, you'll do it.

So will you.

Little more?

Why not?

You and your future. Me and my
so-called career. I guess we've each got
something the other would love to have.

Daria? How are things at camp?

Daria?

Well, let's see.

Tomorrow we're going to push the
campers to their physical limits by
having them make paper doll chains.

Ha! A joke... right?

That's what I keep telling myself.

Hello? Yes, this is Helen Morgendorffer.
Kay Sloane? Oh, yes, hello!

It's very nice to speak with you at last.
I'm sorry we haven't met yet.

Oh, yes, I know.

In fact, that's sort of why I'm calling.

We're having a little benefit for
the Lawndale Art Museum we're
calling the Starry Night Ball.

Do you think you might like to attend?
We could finally meet and do our bit for
the arts.

The Starry Night Ball? What a wonderful
idea. Without the arts, what
distinguishes us from animals, right?

Well, let's see. Animals don't feel the
need to suck up to wealthier animals.

Wonderful. It's on September eighth, and
tickets are a thousand dollars per couple.

Or you can buy a table for $5,000, but
please don't feel obligated to do that.

Um, did you say the eighth? Oh, dear,
that's the weekend of the office
retreat. Well, I'll check to be sure, but...

Yes, I'm sorry. It was nice speaking
with you, too. Good-bye.

Whew...

Damn it, Helen,
I want to go to the ball!

Yes, why should your wicked
stepsisters have all the fun?

I mean to hobnob with all those
rich people. Clients... money...

Hobnob?

Jake, the tickets are a thousand dollars.

A thousand bucks! Insensitive rich
bastards! Don't they know some
people have to work for a living?!

Relax. I think she bought my excuse.

- Thank God.
- Thank God.

Oh, dear... I hope they won't
think we're cheap now.

Who cares what they think?

What's the matter with you?

It's bad enough the rest of the town
grovels at the Sloanes' feet. Now
I have to put up with it in my own home?

- Was I groveling?
- Was she joking?

These pastels are great.

Thanks. I wish the galleries
felt the same way.

They're nuts.

I knew you'd get what I'm
trying to do. Top that off?

No, I'd better call it a night. I get cranky
if I don't get my usual 12 hours.

Come on, it's still early.
I'm sure we can find something
to do to amuse ourselves.

Well, that's where the whole
sleeping thing factors in.
I'll see you tomorrow. I'm exhausted.

I can't let you walk home in
your condition. I'm going to have
to insist that you lie down.

No, really, I'm fine.

I promise not to kick you out of bed in
the morning. Well, unless you're snoring.

Thanks, but I...

Oh, God.

What's the matter?
I'm not your type?

Um, Alison... I'm straight.

Yeah, right. I don't think so.

I'm not gay.

Where have I heard that before?

Wait a minute.
Is this your first time with a girl?
Well, no wonder you're nervous.

Alison... read my lips. I like guys.

And hanging out with bisexuals in their
bedrooms after they buy you dinner.

Hey, I didn't know you were bi. And
the dinner thing was settling a bet.

Sure... settling a bet. I'm sorry, baby,
but I never hit on straight chicks.

Listen, you've been really nice to me
and all, and I really appreciate it,
but I'm not interested in women.

You mean you're not ready to admit it.

I gotta go.

Eep!

Man, it's hard to see out of this thing.

Kevvy, this is terrible! That icky
pool water is turning my hair green!

Wow, you really do have green hair.
Green hair, green hair!

Kevvy, it's not funny!

Ho-ho-ho! It's the jolly green babe.

Ooh...

Ho-ho-ho! Green babe.

Ow!

You big jerk!

You two mess up one more
time and you're fired.

Now, everyone hold the hand
of the person next to them while we
all visualize the same word: "trust."

But we've been sitting inside all day.
Can't we go out and play? Please?

Now, Curtis, we're listening to our souls.
It's much easier to hear them indoors.

- Uncle Anthony, can't you talk to him?
- You're such a great counselor.

Um, Uncle Timothy...
perhaps little Curtis has a point.

Maybe frolicking outdoors would offer
a refreshing counterpoint to sitting in
a circle like a quilting bee of shut-ins!

Anthony, please. You're supposed
to be setting an example. Besides,
quilting can be very therapeutic.

Now... oops. Time for my Echinacea.
I'll be back in a jiffy. Now everyone,
hold hands and feel the warmth.

Argh!

Peanut butter!

Sitting in circles...
stupid songs...
arts and crafts...

cruel and unusual...

Hell! I can't take it anymore!

I'm going on a hike!

Come on. Even I'll admit
that was mildly amusing.

Whatever.

Look, for what it's worth, when
I was your age, I, um... had this
friend who was kind of like you.

The only people she liked
were the ones in books,

and she spent most of her time
in her room convinced the world
had been quietly taken over
by a race of idiot space aliens.

And then one day your "friend"
grew out of it and went on
to make many more friends,

and now her life is one big bowl of cherries.

Okay. Bad example.

But maybe things would have been
a little easier for my friend if she hadn't
kept everything bottled up inside.

You know, if she'd had
someone to talk to.

Or maybe "she" did try talking,
and the people just told her to shut up,

or paid someone else to deal
with her because they were
too busy "listening to their souls."

You think that's what's
happening to you?

Hey, look around, Daria. Everybody's
so busy being their own best friend,

maybe they should try buddying up
to the people they brought into the
damn world, who never asked to be born.

Oh.

So, what books does your
"friend" like to read, anyway?

Well, let's see. When she was 12,
she was really into George Orwell...

Daria! Link!
Having a little one-on-one session?

- Yes, and so by definition,
it can't include...
- Daria, I knew you could do it.

See? It's easier to "rap" with
Daria than with me, isn't it? A teen
who's closer to your own age.

But I'm just as concerned
as she is about your well-being.

- I should have known.
- Hey, wait...

Oh. Did I say something wrong?

Oh, my. What happened to the window?
Um... where'd everybody go?

But when the workers
stormed the Bastille, they only
found seven prisoners,

and one of them was
the Marquis de Sade.

Eww.

That's more or less the way they felt.

Did Marie Antoinette really
have the champagne glasses
molded after her... you know?

We really should be focusing more
on the politics of the Revolution,
but that's what they say.

If she'd been a different body type, we'd
be drinking champagne out of bowls.

David, I must say I'm quite impressed.
I've never seen Quinn have
so much fun studying.

That's because in school they only teach
you the really boring stuff. Mom? Dad?

Did you know Marie Antoinette
never said "let them eat cake?"

That expression comes from a story
about a princess, written by Rousseau.

- Right?
- Right.

Lousy tabloids.

We've got to run. Bye.

- Wait... um, I was joking.
- You were not.
- I know.

Was Marie Antoinette pretty?

They said she was a great beauty.

Of course, you won't find
a lot of people willing to call their
absolute monarch butt-ugly.

David, do you think... I'm pretty?

Sure.

By the way, have you been to
Chez Pierre? Because it's really nice
if you ever wanted to take me there.

And it would be kind of educational,
since we're studying French history
and stuff.

Thanks, but you don't want to be
seen around town with an egghead.
Your friends would behead you.

Well, that's about it for today.

Now, be sure to read the chapter
on the Industrial Revolution,
and don't forget your vocabulary words.

I'll be back for more pedagogy next week.

Quinn? Pedagogy? That's one of the words.

Yeah. Pedagogy.

Excellent. The brushwork is very
confident, and I love the strained, almost
antagonistic relationship with color.

Really, you remind me of
myself when I was young.

Oh, Daniel. You're not old.

Well, I'm certainly young... at heart.

Not to mention delusional of mind.

- Hey.
- Hey.
- Haven't seen you around.

Oh, you know, the solitary artist.
Look, I gotta be honest.

That whole thing that happened
between - I mean, didn't happend -
well, it kind of confused me.

Me, too. Maybe I was hoping
a little too hard and saw
something that wasn't there.

But you said you never make
a mistake in that, um... area.

There's a first time for everything.
Still want to be friends?

Sure.

Um, maybe we'll skip the hug.

Uh-oh... don't look now,
but it's Toulouse le Dreck.

- Ready?
- Just a minute.

I'll wait for you in the car.

You're seeing him?

He's not so bad once
you get to know him.

You said he went through more
students than tubes of paint.

You can't possibly think he
gives a damn about you.

Who's looking for romance?
I just want to have a little fun.

And if it's with someone who can
introduce you to a few gallery owners,
that's not so bad either, eh?

I think I'm beginning to see
how the art world works.

God, high school.
It's all such a big deal with you guys.
You take everything so seriously.

Like someone telling you you give
off gay vibes just because they're
trying to get into your pants.

Well, campers, before you go, let's take
a moment to reflect on the valuable
lessons we've learned about ours...

Let Uncle Anthony talk!

...um, about ourselves and
the growth that only we can...

Uncle Anthony! He's cool!

...um, the personal growth that...

- Growth my butt! Uncle Anthony!
- Uncle Anthony!
- Uncle Anthony!

Thank you, campers. Remember: if you
feel yourself getting mad, go ahead!

If someone's doing something to irritate
you, tell them about it in detail! And
hike... whenever you feel like it!

I... I guess maybe I've been
doing more harm than good...

Thank you, Timothy.
You've reawakened my hunger
to enlighten. I want to teach again!

Ooh... um, that hurts a bit.

Hey, slow down.

Go to hell!

Just hear me out. Mr. O'Neill didn't
ask me to speak to you, and I would
never tell him anything anyway,

except my name,
rank and homeroom number.

Yeah, right.

Look, I'm not good at this kind of
thing - probably because I've never done
this kind of thing - but if you ever need
someone to talk to, um... I'm around.

I don't need anyone to talk to.
Especially you.

Tom! Come in. Daria! Tom's here.
Jake and I are so sorry we won't
be able to make the museum benefit.

Normally we love museums.
In fact, we were thinking of seeing
the Van Gogh exhibit this week.

Um, that exhibit left a year ago.

Oh...

Well, at least you can be confident your
mother's not addicted to sedatives.

Hey, she didn't ask to be invited
to that stupid fund-raiser.

My mother was just trying to be nice.
A lot of people like going to those things.

Sure. Helping the little people while
avoiding contact with them at all cost.

Um, is something wrong?

No.

Come on. I had to beg you to come out
tonight, and then the first thing you do
is jump down my throat. What's going on?

I don't know. It's the museum.
And the country club. And your family.
You know, your whole elitist world.

It's not elitist. And it's not my world.

Don't tell me. Tell Aunt Mildred tomorrow
when you get to your private island.

And be sure not to mention
me to her, okay?

What?

It's obvious you don't want
me mixing with your family,

since you didn't ask me to the
fund-raiser or the fireworks display.

Daria, I didn't invite you to those things
because I sure as hell didn't want to
go and I assumed you wouldn't either.

Right?

- Well, you still should have asked.
-You're right.

Unless you just assumed your
parents were gonna hate me.

What? What are you talking about?
My parents think you're great.

They know you're really smart
and headed for college and stuff.
It's not like you're Jane.

What do you mean, "not like I'm Jane?"
Jane's smart.

Yeah, I know she's smart.

But she could get a Ph.D or spend
the rest of her days painting tiles, and
her parents wouldn't care either way.

If we did that,
our parents would have a fit.

So what you're saying is Jane isn't
up to your family's standards.
God, you're a snob.

Damn it, Daria!
Quit trying to pick a fight with me!

Excuse me?

You attack my mother for inviting
your parents to the fund-raiser,
then attack me for not inviting you.

You say my family disapproves of you,
I say they relate to you better
than Jane, and now I'm a snob.

Forgive me for being a loyal friend.

Why don't you say what
you're really afraid of?

The idea that you might actually
start caring about someone.
'Cause that would make you vulnerable.

Look, maybe we just jumped
into this dating stuff too fast.
Maybe we need to take a break.

A break? From what?
We haven't done anything!
Come on, Daria!

I don't believe this.

Well, I'm not going to stand here and beg.

Fine. Nice knowing you.

Yeah, nice knowing you.

Gee, Quinn, it's sweet of you to take
time out from your studies to be with
the friends you've neglected all summer.

Oh, Sandi, I just wish I were as smart
as you so I wouldn't need a tutor.
You know, David's kind of funny.

If by funny you mean extraordinarily
unpleasant, I agree completely.

That's why I was forced
to terminate his services.

- What a geek.
- I know! And so... geeky!

- But he said...
- Yes?

Nothing. I guess David is a little geeky,
although I wouldn't be surprised if
some people thought he was cute,

you know, in that brainy kind of way.

Quinn?
Are you trying to tell us something?

Me? Oh, no, of course not!

Ooh, look! Intermediate markdowns!

Of course I did the right thing.
He's from his world, I'm from mine.

Never would have worked.
I mean, unless I tried or something.

Here's your book.

Um, that's not mine.

Oh, right. I borrowed it from David.
Um, what do you think of him?

Seems like a nice guy. And he obviously
has a high threshold for pain. Why?

No reason. Do you think he's... cute?

Well, I suppose in that not
a-brain-dead-surfer kind of way.

Yeah...

I know you may find this hard
to believe, but looks aren't everything.

Really?

See, there's this thing called personality?
There's also liking the same things,
having a similar sense of humor,

being able to have five-minute
conversations without boring
the living hell out of each other...

Like you and Tom.

Did I mention Tom?

Well, who else would you be talking
about? You're obviously very compatible.

How would you know?

Daria, up until recently dating
has been my major field of study!

Well, you've never met his family.

You can't judge someone by
their family. I mean what if people
judged me by... blech! Got to go.

That's it.
Must... contact... intelligent... life.

Hey. Call.

Hello?

- Hope you don't mind that I called.
- Daria!
- How are things going?

- Fine, fine, fine. Couldn't be better.
- Sucks, huh?

Only in a mind-numbingly
pretentious kind of way.

Do you think, um, a familiar
face might cheer you up?

What do you mean? Like floating in
space over the bed, saying my name
over and over again in a creepy voice?

Jane...

Look, I don't really feel like any
visitors right now. It's nothing personal.

Wait...

I don't want to talk about it, okay?
Nothing you could say can change that.

I'll pay you.

Trent was going to drop
by on his way to a gig.
Maybe you can hitch a ride.

They can always use an
extra person to push.

Now, this is called mouth-to-mouth
regurgitation. Ready, babe?

Ready!

Did you see how I pinched Britt's nose
to, like keep the air from getting out?

- I could just stick my fingers
up there, but who knows what...
- Oh, Kevvy!

Peep show's over!
Everyone scram!
Hey, Romeo and Juliet...

Ow!

You're fired!

- Here you go.
- It's about time!
- I want a fudgy pop!

- Hey, I was here first!
- Shut up, you jerk!
- This is dripping!
- The service suck!

What are you doing here?

Oh, Mack, something terrible happened!

It's okay. The sun isn't really gone.
It's just hiding behind the clouds.

No! We got fired!

Trent... does it ever bother
you that the speedometer is
stuck at ten miles per hour?

Hmm... ten. That reminds me.
Time for dinner.

Just for the record, the police
generally don't like it when you drive
on the wrong side of the road.

Tell me about it.

No, thanks.
Um... how's Jane been doing?

Oh. Okay.

I haven't talked to her much this summer.

Well, you know. The Tom thing.

Look, we...

Hey, Janey knows you guys didn't mean
to hurt her. She'll come around. Trust me.

Yeah. Thanks, Trent.

Betrayal, yeah, a stab in the back.
Betrayal, yeah, I'm stretched on
the rack.

Betrayal, yeah, thrown out of the...
thrown out of the...

Pack?

Thrown out of the pack.
Betrayal... betrayal, yeah.
Betrayal... betrayal... betrayal, yeah...

...and that's how Randolph Hearst's
yellow journalism helped get the
U.S. into the American-Spanish War.

- Close enou...
- The Spanish-American War.

You know, I had my doubts
at first... serious doubts.

But you've come a long way, Quinn.
You should be very proud of yourself.

Thanks. Um, are you proud of me?

Of course. And I want you to drop
me a line at school and let me
know how you're doing in class.

- David?
- Yes?
- Um... I like you.

- I like you, too.
- No, I mean I "like" like you.
- Oh. Look...

I mean, I never thought I could really
"like" like someone who wasn't,

you know, really cute - not that you're
uncute - but you know what I mean.

You don't try to be cute.
Not that I would ever try
to make you try to be cute.

Right.

Well? We can probably get in at least
two dates before you go off to college.

Look, Quinn, it's very flattering,
and you're a really nice kid,
but you're not my type.

But I already told you!
I don't care what you look like.

Quinn, look, when I go out, it has to
be with someone who has - how can I
put this? - a certain amount of depth.

But I know stuff now!

Yes, but why did you want to know stuff?
So you'd be able to get into a party
school. Talk about a lack of self-esteem.

I have tons of self-esteem!
I esteem myself more than anybody!

When it comes to appearance, but
not in any areas that count. Look
at the losers you hang out with.

No chance of feeling stupid around them.

Losers?

But the whole reason I even thought
of getting tutored was I knew I could
do better on the P-STATs than them.

Than they. And I'm glad to hear
that. It means you're starting
to understand your potential.

So...?

Quinn, you and I are in two
different places, way too far apart
to go out. You'd hate it, believe me.

But it's a real big compliment.
Keep studying and good luck.

Yeah... good luck.

Betrayal, yeah, you ruined my life.
Betrayal, yeah, you're twisting
the knife...

- Trent!
- Huh?
- That's not helping.

Oh. Sorry.
Um, you know how it is.
Inspiration.

We'd better not disturb them.
You got to wake Jesse up just
right or he gets all disoriented.

How can you tell?

You're funny, Daria.

Anyway, don't go crazy over
this Tom stuff. Even Janey
said you make a good couple.

You mean made.
We're not going out anymore.

Really? Why?

A lot of stuff.
Mainly I got weirded out by his family.

But you weren't dating them.

Someday the curators will look
back on these and say they're from
my "art colonies suck" period.

- Curators?
- Criminologists?

You know, when it comes to art,
you and Link have a lot in common.

I'd introduce you, if he didn't
loathe every fiber of my being.

This Link situation really
bothers you, huh?

Serves me right for breaking my cardinal
rule and trying to reach out to a lost soul.

Any kid who looks to you for
nurturing is more than just lost.

Gee, thanks.

Hey, I call 'em like I see 'em.

This soup bites!

Then don't have a fourth bowl.

Mack! I'm going to take five.

These are for you.

Aw... that's sweet.
I've missed you so much.

Wow. I got to buy you flowers
more often. Anyway, I got them
to celebrate. I quit my job yesterday.

Oh, Mack... summer's not even over.
And it was such a piece of cake.

Piece of cake? Working in a dirty,
cramped truck all day for minimum wage?

What would you know about it with your
glamour jobs and your golf lessons?

What's the matter with you?
I'm on your side, remember?

I'm sorry. It's just... wearing that
white suit, serving those little brats...

I felt like some kind of house slave in
Gone With the Wind. It's just not the
way I thought the summer would go.

Hey, you're no house slave.
You owed your father some money.

You were doing the stand-up
thing and trying to pay him back.
No big deal, you'll find another way.

I paid him back a week ago.

Oh! So how come you didn't quit then?

I wanted to make a little more
money so I could take you
out for dinner at Chez Pierre.

Oh, Mack, that place is so expensive.

I can afford it... for once.

I don't need Chez Pierre when
I have a guy like you. Wait
a minute. Who's driving the truck?

That'll be... $1.60. Babe, how much change do I give back?

Um, let's see, $1.60 minus five is $4.40.

But I gave you a five.

Right. $5.40!

I'll have a sno-cone and a Popsicle.

- Let's see, that's a ten, so I owe you...
- $12.20.
- Right!

The guys here are a lot better-looking in
person than on their wanted posters.

Now I understand why people
go to the bathroom in groups.

Don't worry... I promise not to meet
a new boyfriend and leave you alone
between sets. I've learned my lesson.

Okay... speaking of Tom,
I guess you heard we broke up.

I don't read the papers, remember?

I thought Trent might
have said something.

Nope.

Questions, comments?

Please tell me you're not trying
to get my sympathy after blowing
me off for my now ex-boyfriend.

You mean he blew you off for me.
Although if you recall, that's
not the way it happened.

No, I meant you blew me off for him.

You wanted to go out with
him regardless of what
it did to our friendship.

Hey! You stopped talking to me,
remember? After you broke up with him
and said you didn't care if I dated him.

And you believed me?

I'm confused.
What are we fighting about here?

We're fighting about you, Daria
Morgendorffer, being dumb enough
to think a boyfriend is worth screwing
up a really good friendship for.

A really important friendship.

I'm sorry if I did that.
Um, I really missed you this summer.

Well, I really missed you, too.
Only don't ask me to sleep over.

Huh?

Nothing. Oh, hey, Trent? I meant to tell
you. You guys have a gig tonight.

You better start soon or
you'll miss your next break.

Unless you take your next break now.

In which case you better take
it on stage. They'll never think
of looking for you there.

And while you're up there, maybe you
could play something. Oh, wait, that's
what they're paying you for. Never mind.

You guys are weird.

So what'd you miss most about me?
It was my joie de vivre, wasn't it?

If you really want to know,
it was your damn aura.

Wow, you did spend the
summer with Mr. O'Neill.

I mean your aura of confidence.

I drifted through summer in
a perpetual identity crisis, questioning
everything I said and did.

That's funny, 'cause I...

And I kept thinking about you, up
here doing your paintings, making
your jokes, being Jane Lane.

Being Jane Lane's what I do best.

Precisely. You know exactly who
you are, and nobody's ever going
to con you into thinking you don't.

I wish I'd had you around just as
a role model.

You know, you're absolutely right
about me.

Gee, shall I attempt further
heights of ego inflation?

Please do.

Hey. We're Mystik Spiral.
And this one's for Daria and Jane.

I hope it's not "You Are So Beautiful."

Oh, please make it "Close to You."

When the aliens come, when the
death rays hum, when the bummers
bum, we'll still be freakin' friends!

When the whip comes down, when they
nuke the town, when dead clowns can't
clown, we'll still be freakin' friends!

Freakin' friends! Freakin' friends!
Till we come to bad ends,
we're freakin' friends!

Freakin' friends! Freakin' friends!
Till we come to bad ends,
we're freakin' friends!

Freakin' friends! Freakin' friends!
Till we come to bad ends,
we're freakin' friends...

I just couldn't get past all that
upper-crustiness. I felt like the
poor cousin in a Henry James novel.

You know, someone to be
tolerated until she gets run
over by a horse and buggy.

Yeah, the Sloanes definitely come
from the land of the Muffys.
But it's not like they're jerks or anything.

I just ignored the money and
concentrated on the incredibly
well-stocked refrigerator.

Yeah. Look, why don't you
just come back with us?

I don't know. Some kind of dumb-ass
notion about seeing this through, I guess.

Anyway, it's just another two
weeks and then we'll be back at
school! Wait... what's my point?

That life sucks no matter what, so
don't be fooled by location changes.

You really should write fortune cookies.

Call me when you get back.

All right, freakin' friend. Um, I don't
believe I'm about to say this, but...
you should give Tom another shot.

He's not a bad guy.
And you could use the recreation.

Um, what about the whole
you-stabbed-me-in-the-back-
how-could-you thing?

I think I actually am over that.
As opposed to when I said I was
over it but was really still under it.

Yeah, right.

Seriously. Give it some
thought on the way back.

I don't think so.

Or converse with the band.
The choice is yours.

No, those sandals don't
make your toes look fat.

So David was right. I am superficial.

At least you know your strengths.

He really called you that?

He said he only dates girls with "depth."

How did it even come up?

Oh, boy. You asked him out?

Quinn, you're, um, not
as superficial as you act.

I'm sure you just feel obliged to
stress the moronic aspects of
your personality so you'll fit in
better with the fashion drones,

like a mask you wear 'cause you
think they wouldn't like the real you.

You mean sort of the way you
keep people away by being
really unfriendly and stuff?

Hey, we're talking about you here.

You really liked that guy, huh?

Well, he certainly wasn't what we
intellectuals call a totally buff hottie,

so if you saw past his looks,
you can't be completely shallow.

Thanks, Daria. Damn it, I even told
him I liked him! I never do that!

Quinn... sometimes you reach
out to someone and all you
get back is a slap in the face.

Then why even bother?

I guess because, um, you got to give
people a chance. Otherwise, there's no
point to the whole being-human routine.

Why? David didn't give me a chance!

Sure he did. Wasn't he going to quit
before you begged him not to?

Yeah. So?

So you learned a whole bunch of
stuff and found out you don't have
to be a dummy if you don't want to...

Because he gave you a chance.

Quinn, I...

Okay, thanks for lending this to me.
A Journal of the Plague Year. Sounds fun!

"Give people a chance."
Sounds like good advice.

That crap?

Oh, Daria. Here, this came for you...

...and I guess I'll go see
how Quinn is doing.

Agh! This heat is making
my lip gloss all runny.

Tell me about it. It's so hot we can't
even wear our new fall clothes.

They should really start
school in November.

I know...

Welcome back, students, and remember,
the school nurse is in and ready
to take your voluntary urine sample.

Show your Lawndale High
spirit with the gift of urine!

Eww...!

All right, which of you promising
young people would like to share
your definition of Manifest Destiny?

Ms. Morgendorffer?
Did you want something?

"Manifest Destiny" was a phrase
politicians used to say that God wanted
the U.S. to keep expanding west
all the way to the Pacific ocean.

Because why bother owning the
country if Hollywood wasn't included?

Ahh, Quinn, that's very good! Thank
you for making my day rewarding.

Gee, Quinn... I hope that little foray
of yours into Geekland just now
is the result of heat exhaustion,

and not an unpleasant side effect
of all that tutoring. I mean, you're
not turning into a brain, are you?

Sandi, just because someone can
answer a simple question doesn't
mean they're a pedagogue.

So, I guess I got through to Link after all,

and all it cost me was a generous
period of self-doubt followed by
a bracing stint of self-hatred.

See? Not every human is a manipulative,
opportunistic letch, or at least that's
what I'm told.

You didn't make any friends
at that art colony, did you?

Nope. Well, except this one girl,
until she got fresh.

You're not kidding.

As much as I'd like to gain your sour
perspective on the whole sordid
incident, it's gonna have to wait.

I think someone's looking for you.

Whoa! Nice car. Where's Jeeves?

I killed him for his uniform.
How are you doing?

I'm okay. She's pretty okay, too.

- Yeah, I know that. Hey, Daria.
- Hey.
- Want to go for a ride?

- Actually, we were just...
- ...saying good-bye. I'll call you later.

Thanks for the lift.
Um, I guess I should be going.

Just hear me out. Okay?

Sure.

There's nothing I can do about the
club, my family, the whole thing.

And yes, I can see where all of that
could make you uncomfortable.

Thank you.

But would you also agree that
maybe I was right when I said
this dating stuff is new to you,

and you're afraid of getting hurt,
and maybe you were looking for an
out before you got too pulled in?

Daria?

Maybe some of that's true.

Well, here's the deal. I want to start
seeing you again. We can take it slow,
but you've got to at least try to trust me.

I really like you, Daria, but I don't
want to waste any more time if
you're not going to give it a chance.

Please?

Daria...?

I want to try again, too.

Don't say any more.
I hate it when you get all mushy.

Yeah, I don't like it, either.
Okay, then, I'm glad. See ya.

Oh, Jakey, do you realize what
a momentous summer our girls have had?

Quinn learned she's smarter than she
thought, and Daria has her first boyfriend.

It's summer already?

Jake...

You made a joke, didn't you?

Yep! Old Jake was joking!

I like a man with a sense of humor.

Why'd the chicken cross the road?

I don't know.

Well, you're about to find out!