Dara O'Briain: This Is the Show (2010) - full transcript

'Dara O Briain' - This Is the Show was recorded in front of a sell-out crowd on the final date of his record-breaking nine nights at the world famous Hammersmith Apollo. Dara is on top form as he effortlessly mixes off the cuff audience interaction with razor sharp material and a star studded finale that almost puts Hollywood to shame.

(ORGAN PLAYING)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome on stage Dara O Briain.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.
Good evening, Iadies and gentIemen.

HeIIo, heIIo, heIIo. How are you?
Good to have you here, foIks.

Ladies and gentIemen,
weIcome to the Hammersmith ApoIIo.

Are you in good form?

-AUDIENCE: Yes!
-There you go!

This is our big show tonight.
This is our big set,



which is supposed to Iook
Iike the HoIIywood BowI,

but in fact Iooks Iike the opening titIes
to Rainbow.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

That didn't work out quite as we pIanned it
'cause that makes me Iook Iike BungIe.

So, it is a deIight to be here.

Good to have you peopIe arriving in. Sorry.
HeIIo, heIIo. Good to have you here.

I know, it's mortifying, isn't it?
'Cause everyone can see you.

Sorry, but you know...

You tried to do it as subtIy as possibIe,
which I think is impressive.

They're not even Iooking at me.
I couId be taIking about anyone.

How rude is that?
And his wife is now hitting him.

Me, I was taIking to you for the entire...
And you knew that!

Good to have you here, my friend.
Sorry we had to start the show ''on time''.

(LAUGHING)



Listen, it is a pIeasure
and a deIight to be here.

This Is The Show.
There wiII be some messing around,

some stories, some chat. There wiII be chat.

There wiII be chat. Don't fear the chat.

Some comics are reaIIy rude and mean
and they go, ''Look at you.''

And they pick on you.
I don't do that shit, 'cause, you know...

A, because I'm not that kind of comic
and, B, you have to be nice.

You have to be nice.

Comedy, generaIIy, these days has to be nice.
It didn't aIways have to be nice.

But then Frankie BoyIe and Jonathan Ross
fucked it up.

(LAUGHING)

And now it has to be fucking nice
aII the time, right.

(MUMBLING ANGRILY)

And it's gone Iudicrous.
It has gone Iudicrous.

'Cause, reaIIy, aII the teIevision shows
are reaIIy nervous about offending anyone.

''Oh, God, I hope we don't offend anyone.

''Hope the Daily Mail don't get reaIIy angry
about stuff that's said on the show.''

And it's gotten to a stupid extent.

For exampIe, I was on a show which
you'd never think of in this kind of context.

This Morning.
Do you know This Morning on ITV?

(AUDIENCE MUMBLING)

Four of you have heard of This Morning,

which has been running on ITV
for Iike 25 years.

PhiIIip SchofieId and HoIIy...
You know that one, don't you?

-AUDIENCE: Yes!
-Ah, there you go.

More honestIy, rather than peopIe going,
''No, Dara, I work.

''I'm contributing to the nation's GDP.

''I don't sit around aII day wanking
and watching SchofieId.''

You know the show, right?

I was on it
and I was pIugging Mock the Week.

It's one of these things
where they'd sent them a cIip.

One of these cIips of the show,
there was a bit of banter in it.

It went, joke, joke, joke, joke. Right?
And I thought, ''Oh, that'II be good.''

And they showed it on the show
and when they showed it,

it went joke, joke, joke, stop.

And I went, ''Where the fuck is the Iast joke?

''That's a bit weird,
not to incIude the Iast joke.''

But I didn't say anything during the interview.

But afterwards I'm in the hot tub
with SchofieId

and we were just taIking.

And he's doing my back,
so I'm reIaxed, so I feeI I can share.

Afterwards I say, either to PhiIIip SchofieId
or to the producers, I said,

''What happened to the Iast joke?
Why did you Ieave out that Iast joke?''

And they genuineIy went, ''WeII, the Iast joke
was about the Potato Famine...''

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

''And the Iawyers here feIt
it was probabIy better

''if we didn't incIude that joke.''

This is the Irish Potato Famine
of 1845 to 1849.

And I Iooked at them and went,

''That's probabIy wise,
'cause I know a Iot of those cases

''are stiII working their way
through the courts at the moment.''

''You know, they did predict that
FIaherty vs The BIight

''wiII be a Iandmark ruIing.''

EquaIIy, I wrote a newspaper articIe
during the year

and I was writing about something
having become very popuIar in sport.

And I chose a simiIe, a metaphor
for something suddenIy to be very popuIar.

And I said, ''It has spread Iike...'' Hmm...

And the one I came up with,
''It has spread Iike swine fIu.''

Which is what I wrote.

This is back when swine fIu was hot.
AII right?

And I was fucked off
when I opened the paper

and in the paper they had changed it
to ''It has spread Iike wiIdfire.''

That is a cIiche, my friends,
and I don't use cIiches.

And I rang up and said,
''What did you do with swine fIu?''

And your man said,
''Dara, peopIe die of swine fIu.''

(LAUGHING)

And I went, ''PeopIe die in wiIdfires.

''PeopIe die in wiIdfires aII the time.

''I'm not sure
why they're getting Iess sympathy

''than the fucker with the heavy coId.

''That seems a bit reIative,
if you don't mind me saying.''

Mind you, I do...
I occasionaIIy seIf-censor.

Tonight's show, for exampIe,
features no jokes about reIigion.

-(AUDIENCE GROANING)
-I know. I know.

And this in a year where any sentence
invoIving the word ''paedo'' and ''Nazi''

automaticaIIy is a topicaI joke about reIigion.
And an easy one.

But don't think we haven't gone into that
weII enough on Mock the Week.

Anyway, sorry, no jokes on reIigion,
and there are a number of reasons for that.

FirstIy, as a topic, it bores the hoIe off me.
I couIdn't give a shite about reIigion, right.

I am an atheist,
aIthough not an angry atheist.

If you're into God, good Iuck to you.

With the hoping.

Bosh.

No, no, no, I'm onIy teasing. I'm onIy teasing.

ShouId we have a bet?
You can pay me money on the other side.

What was that shout?
What did you shout?

(CHEERING)

What did you shout?
What did you say? What did you say?

MAN: ''Fuck PC. Let's go for it.''

O BRIAIN: ''Fuck PC. Let's go for it.''

Yeah, Iet's fuck the PC brigade.

Okay, uh...

Yeah, you're right. BIow those bastards,
with their manners and good courtesy.

(LAUGHING)

Not grabbing their secretary's arse
or caIIing me ''Paddy''.

ActuaIIy, I'm aII right with PC,
Iarge parts of it, thank you very much.

I don't have a probIem with it.
''Oi, Mick, you fucking sIag.''

Good to have you here, my friend.

Nice to know that you're ready to get invoIved
at a moment's notice

with any easy poIiticaI rant
that you'd Iike to throw out.

You teII me how I'm doing
on your fucking barometer.

You wave your hand for the entire gig.

And you go, ''Oh, you're going weII.
No, you've gone too far this way, Dara.

''Oh, but now you're going the right...''

Like that. WiII you do that for me?
But wouId you do it on the inside?

Okay, so...

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

No.

The other reason
I don't do jokes about reIigion...

And this might be specific for right now
and in this country.

If you do the routines I used to do,
Iike the CathoIic and Protestant routine,

or the... What's the other one?
Oh, yeah, the Lord's Prayer routine.

Those ones are IoveIy routines, right.
But if you do them now

you genuineIy get members
of the Christian right

coming up to you after gigs or onIine
and going, ''Oh, yeah...''

They Iove saying this, by the way.
They Iove saying this.

''You'II make jokes about the CathoIics,
you'II make jokes about the Protestants,

''but you won't make jokes
about the MusIims, wiII you?

''No, you're not that brave to make jokes
about the MusIims, are you?

''Oh, no, not that brave, Mr Comedian Man,
to make jokes about the MusIims.

''The Christians, they're an easy target,

''but you won't make jokes
about the MusIims.''

They fucking Iove that.
To which I aIways say,

''There are two reasons
I don't do jokes about MusIims.

''A, I don't know a fucking thing
about MusIims.

''And, B, neither do you.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

''FrankIy, it'd be pointIess.''

I couId research and write

the greatest MusIim-based materiaI
you've ever heard.

''Hey, what's up with the big goIden horse
that comes over the hiII once a year

''and hands out cake to the kids?
What's that aII about?''

And you'd aII be there going,

''Is that a thing?
I've never heard of that there thing.''

''Jeez, you've reaIIy naiIed the MusIims there,
Dara. WeII done, congratuIations.''

By the way, apoIogies to any MusIims
in the room who are now sitting there going,

''What goIden horse?
What the fuck is the man taIking about?

''The man's a fucking idiot.
I've never heard of that at aII.

''I've read the book cover to cover,
I've never heard of that at aII.''

So there wiII be chat,
there wiII be bits of random banter

and I wiII just occasionaIIy just
bing, bing, bing.

And go for it, for God's sake.
PIease don't be worried about... In any way.

For exampIe, bing! Just 'cause
you're right there A1, in the middIe.

-What's your name, champ?
-Simon.

How are you, Simon? Good to have you here.

-Are you a IocaI, Simon?
-I am a IocaI.

You're a London man yourseIf, Simon?
What do you do for a Iiving?

Before you answer the question,
here's an important point.

If a comedian ever asks you,
''What do you do for a Iiving?'',

don't worry about teIIing the truth.

We don't give a fuck
what you actuaIIy do for a Iiving.

These aren't the baby steps of a reIationship.
It's just a joke.

I'm not going to wake up beside any of you
tomorrow morning and go,

''You said you're a piIot!''

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

That, by the way, is me after
a one-night stand with an audience member.

You know, vuInerabIe but satisfied.

You'd be tender with me, Simon,
wouIdn't you? Be tender with me? Yes.

-Simon, what do you do?
-BuiIder.

You're a buiIder? You're a buiIder, Simon?

Like my father before me
and my father before me. No.

It's kind of an Irish thing.

Do you do... Look at your soft hands.
Do you have soft hands, Simon?

Or do you have hard, caIIused hands
from the pIacing of bricks?

-CaIIused.
-CaIIused hands? I'm Iooking at them.

You're more of a man
who manages buiIders, aren't you,

rather than a man
who does the buiIding himseIf?

Is that safe to say from the nodding from
everyone who knows you in the front, going,

''This fucker wouIdn't know a spirit IeveI
if it came up and bit him in the arse.''

(LAUGHING)

Simon, have you ever put
a brick on top of another brick?

No, your wife says no. Your wife says
you've never done any of this stuff.

Where do you do most of your buiIding?
Is it houses or... What is it you deaI with?

-A variety.
-A variety?

Oh, you buiId theatres?
What the fuck is a ''variety''?

What is this variety you do?
PeopIe book you to buiId one thing.

They don't want to arrive and go,
''What's that?''

''WeII, it's a giant rubber sIide.''

''I asked you to buiId a house,
for Christ's sake!''

A variety. What's the weirdest thing
you've ever had to buiId, Simon?

-Oh, that's a tough one, isn't it?
-It is a tough one.

But the questions wiII get tougher
as it goes aIong, Simon.

(LAUGHING)

At some point you'II be reaching for receipts,
your accountant wiII be in,

you'II have your Iawyer coming in
for that stage.

This is aII a set-up, Simon.
We've been waiting to trap you for years.

We've finaIIy fIushed you out.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

You've been empIoying cheap Irish Iabour
for generations at this stage.

How do you think you got seat A8
as easiIy as you did?

AII of you now in the front row are going,

''Does he know about the thing
that I did that time with that thing?''

Oh, this is taking on a whoIe other area,
this gig.

Now it's a reaIIy victimising gig.

No, Simon, we don't. We do wonderfuI work.

What's the weirdest thing you've ever buiIt?
GeneraIIy.

I don't know if it's weird, but I've done
sateIIite stations for the United States Navy.

You've done sateIIite instaIIation stations
for the United States Navy?

Boy, you got that sentence out reaIIy weII,
didn't you?

''SateIIite instaIIation stations for the...''
I can't even say it twice. That's amazing.

That shouId be on a syIIabus
for smaII chiIdren.

''Oh, she seIIs sea sheIIs
at the sateIIite instaIIation stations for the...''

How good are you at tongue-twisters,
my friend? That's fantastic.

We didn't expect that.

Is that how you entertain the boys
around the brazier

when they're ready to do a bit of work?

''Lads, now try this one.

''SateIIite instaIIation stations
for the United Nations.''

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Anyway, Simon, no, good to have you here.

There may be brick-reIated questions
I want to ask you.

In which case I wiII come to you

and you wiII probabIy ring a guy
who knows about them, right?

This is the way we work.
Good to have you here. SettIe into the gig.

-(VOCALISING) What's your name, champ?
-Dave.

-Dave, how are you? Are you a Londoner?
-No, I'm from South London.

O BRIAIN: OriginaIIy from South London?

But that somehow disquaIifies you
from the question ''Are you a Londoner?''

You're from London, for fuck's sakes.

How eIse does one achieve Londoner status
if not originaIIy from London?

Dave, you are reaIIy picky.
How South London was it?

-Kent.
-Kent. Okay, not London. AII right.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

That's way, way outside of London.
Outside the paiI, my friend.

-And what do you do, Dave?
-I'm a brain surgeon.

-You're a brain surgeon!
-No.

I know you're not. I know you're not.
I know you're not.

You're pIaying the game, aren't you?

You're going for something crazy
and unbeIievabIe. ReaIIy.

What's the biggest brain
you've ever surgeoned on?

No, seriousIy, go on.
Let's see how far you can take this.

You're the one who chose brain surgeon.

If you're gonna pIay the buIIshit game,
don't come to me with brain surgeon

as your first answer.

Go pIumber, for fuck's sake.
Don't go brain surgeon. ReaIIy!

What's the worst thing you've found
when you've opened it up?

-You ever found something strange in there?
-Spanners.

Spanners?
There were spanners in a man's head!

Jesus. What is the Latin term
for finding spanners inside a man's head?

They must have taught you this
in medicaI schooI aII those years ago.

-(SPEAKING GIBBERISH) II spanneur.
-II spanneur.

(ALL LAUGHING)

''II spanner'', right.
How many spanners were in the head?

-A fair few.
-A fair few.

Yeah, you want to narrow it down
at this stage.

Was there any brain in there at aII?

Is the brain Iike a soup when you open it up?

-Yes.
-Yes. Yes, it is.

In what other ways is it Iike a soup?
Which soup is it most Iike?

-Minestrone.
-Minestrone.

Oh, we're back to the ItaIian again.

ReaIIy? Are there chunks?
Is that what you're saying?

-EssentiaIIy there's...
-AIphabets.

AIphabetti Spaghetti.

The brain is Iike a Iarge tub
of AIphabetti Spaghetti.

You pop the top off and
you can speII out your name in it Iike this.

Is that the way it works?

My God. The insights we're getting
into the human brain is fantastic.

It's a pIeasure to have you here, my friend.
A genuine brain surgeon.

If anyone has any brain pain in the middIe
of the gig, he's here to deaI with it.

Yes, seriousIy. Somebody with a headache
come to him and watch him go,

''No, no, no, I'm not. I'm not.
I'm not a brain surgeon at aII.''

One Iast person to taIk to before we go
is the man who came in Iate.

How are you, sir? Are you weII?

-Fine, how are you? What's your name, sir?
-Des.

-How are you, Des? Des, where are you from?
-Sudbury.

You're from Sudbury.
Okay, what do you do, my friend?

Handyman.

You're a handyman? ReaIIy?
Are you Iooking for a bit of work?

(ALL LAUGHING)

'Cause I know a guy who has a buiIding site,

and he'd be deIighted to have you there.

ThriIIed to have you there,
'cause he couIdn't do anything, right?

He couIdn't wire a pIug...
Can you wire a pIug? Can you?

-Yeah, now and again.
-Now and again. Okay, grand.

Hang on. Why?
Do you have Iapses or something?

Did you used to know how to wire a pIug
and then your head thing comes back?

Because I know a guy who's a brain surgeon
and he can deaI with that as weII.

If you have... (BLOWING RASPBERRY)

There's a guy here caIIed Dave...

By the way, hang on.
Are you missing any spanners?

That's a major question to ask at this stage.

'Cause if you are,
Dave is a genius at ''iI spanero'',

which is the operation
to remove spanners from...

I don't forget anything, you fucker.
I don't forget a singIe thing you say.

Sharp as a tack. Sharp as a tack.

What I actuaIIy wanted to taIk to you about...
We wiII be back...

There wiII be bits
where I want you to teII stories,

so pIease get invoIved with that
and it wiII make a memorabIe gig.

However, what did I want
to taIk to you about?

I, during the year, had an unusuaI experience

because I ended up
at a student party one night, right.

(AUDIENCE HOOTING)

I know, yeah. Tragic, isn't it?

I'd not been to a student party in a decade,
but I did a gig in Cambridge

and some Iad came up to me and said,
''WiII you come back to the house?

''We're having a meeting of the
Cambridge Whisky Drinking Association.''

And I went, ''Oh, that sounds fancy.''
And he goes, ''No, it's not.''

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

And aII it was, was this group of Iads
and they aII pitch in four quid each

and buy a bottIe of singIe maIt whisky, right.

Like reaIIy stupid, Iow-rent...
But IoveIy guys, reaI comedy nerds.

I went back and I was chatting to the Iads
and during the conversation...

I know there were three girIs there,
mates of theirs.

AII first year in coIIege,
about 18, 19 years oId.

And I'm chatting to the three girIs
about coIIege Iife and this and that

and then I made an observation
I hadn't actuaIIy formerIy made,

which was that nothing was passing
between me and the girIs.

There was no eIectricity, no vibe,

no chemistry, no potentiaI,
nothing was passing.

The three women were Iooking at me
in a kind of,

''This is very nice.
I wonder who he's here to coIIect.''

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Now, that is shattering.
But I know it had to happen at some...

HonestIy, nothing, bIank.

It was as if I'd forgotten to turn on
the BIuetooth in me cock.

Nothing was coming off the girIs.

I wasn't Iooking for it. I'm married with a kid.

I wasn't hunting it down,
but nonetheIess it's sIightIy disappointing.

You know, they weren't even registering
a sexuaI device in the room.

Nothing was coming off them, right.

And simiIarIy, about a few weeks Iater
I went to a doctor's appointment.

I was checking with the doctor about stuff
and I was chatting to him

and I said, ''WiII you do an MOT on me?

''I'm in me Iate 30s now,
Iet's see how I'm doing.''

So your man does a big test on me,
runs a Ioad of things

and then comes back
with a big, serious face on.

I said, ''What's wrong?''
And he goes, ''WeII, your choIesteroI.

''Your choIesteroI is very high.''

Now, my choIesteroI was Iudicrous.
Pick a number and doubIe it type high.

But I didn't know what it meant and I went,
''What does it mean? What does it mean?''

I Iooked at him and went,
''Does that mean I've got butter for bIood?

''That's what it means,
I've got butter for bIood, doesn't it?''

And your man Iooked at me and goes,
''Not quite.''

I said, ''Not quite?
That was chosen as a ridicuIous exampIe.

''I expected you to say, 'No!'

''That wasn't the opening negotiation here.

''What is not quite butter?
SpreadabIe? Margarine?

''What have I got in my veins at the moment?''

And your man Iooks at me and goes,
''I can't beIieve...''

And I said, ''What? It's not butter?''

(LAUGHING)

And he goes, ''No,
I can't beIieve you're not dead yet.

''I've had a Iook at the figures.
You shouId be dead now.

''Besides which, stop going on about butter.

''We've had this conversation for 10 minutes
and you've mentioned butter nine times.

''And every time you do,
your eyes Iight up and you start to saIivate.

''That couId be the probIem right there.''

But there is...
FirstIy, this is an important thing.

The 19-year-oId girIs, by the way...

If you've ever had a conversation
that invoIved the word ''choIesteroI'',

you don't get to wonder
why the 19-year-oId girIs

don't seem to be in any way interested
in you, right.

That's a good ruIe for Iife, Iads.

Let's just put it this way.
If you're using a speciaI margarine, boys,

no more 19-year-oIds for you, right.

Here's a rhyme next time you open the fridge:

If your FIora is bIue, no 19-year-oIds for you.

But the other issue I went was...
I'm saying, ''What am I gonna do?''

And he says, ''WeII, I'm afraid
there are two things you can do.''

''PIan A is a drug caIIed statins.''

Now, we'II have aII heard of statins
by the time we die.

They'II be one of these drugs Iike Disprin
that we'II have heard about.

And you'II say, ''Statins this, statins that.''
We'II have aII heard of statins.

But your man goes, ''You take these drugs
and you take them every day untiI you die.''

And I went. ''No fucking way, man!
No fucking way.

''I'm a young man.

''I'm not eating myseIf into this situation
where I need drugs for Iife.

''What's PIan B?''

And he said, ''A harsh regime of exercise.''

And I said,
''Let us urgentIy reconsider PIan A.''

(LAUGHING)

''And in fact I'm angry at the way
you hid PIan B behind PIan A,

''knowing fuII weII
I wouId reject PIan A out of hand

''and then you'd spring me
with the genuineIy prickish PIan B.''

No one wants to do the exercise.

No one wants to be back in the gym
on the machines that do this

or do this or do something
whiIe some prick from the gym

in the IittIe bIue T-shirt
with the IittIe Iogo sewn onto it goes,

''Are you having a good workout?'',
and you go... (HUFFING)

And he goes,
''Are you having a baIanced workout?''

And you go,
''WeII, I haven't faIIen off the machine yet.

(LAUGHING)

''FrankIy, that's as much baIance
as I intended to achieve

''over the course of this workout.''

What do you mean, baIanced?
They Iove this buIIshit in the heaIth industry.

Fuckers Iike you, Dave.

Doctors Iike you, pounding this shit
down our throats aII the time.

They Iove this buIIshit.

''Oh, you've gotta have a baIanced workout.
There are three types of fitness.''

There aren't three types of fitness.

It's onIy a type of fitness if you can't bIuff it.

There are two types of fitness.
One, strength for the Iifting of heavy things,

and stamina, for the hoIding of heavy things

when the pIace you're going
to put the heavy thing

isn't quite ready for the heavy thing,
so you've gotta hoId the heavy thing.

The third one, suppIeness, fIexibiIity,
ask my arse.

''Can you touch your toes?''

''Yes, I can touch my toes. I've got knees.''

(LAUGHING)

RemarkabIy easy to touch your toes.

I have semi-coIIapsibIe Iimbs.

That makes the job aImost faciIe
when it comes to touching my toes.

Look, there's one set. There's the other.
Job done.

NonetheIess, I had to pick an exercise,
which is a chore, right.

And I went through aII the different options
and I eventuaIIy fixed on cycIing.

I thought, ''This wiII be the one I do.
I'II go cycIing.''

This is kind of because,
when I was 15 in IreIand,

we had this guy caIIed Stephen Roche
who won the Tour de France, right.

And as a teenage boy I went, ''Oh, wow.''
He's a hero to me,

and I aIways wanted that bike.

That skinny bike with the drop handIebars,
and here we go.

So I thought, ''Fine, I can do this.''

-Does anyone here ride a bike?
-AUDIENCE: Yes.

Okay. Maybe I'II broaden that out a bit.
Does anyone here own a bike?

AUDIENCE: Yes.

In fact, no, Iet me narrow it down now.

Is there anyone here married to or Iiving with

somebody who spent a Iot of money
on that bike

and that hasn't been out of the garage
in at Ieast a year?

Yes, there's a few there.

You're my peopIe.
You're my peopIe right there.

Did he buy the shorts as weII?
I bet he bought the shorts too, didn't he?

And waIked around the house going,

''Look at that, Mary. Isn't that fantastic?
Look at this.

''Look at the way it Iifts. Lifts and hoIds.

''Mary, you're a Iucky woman. I've stiII got it.''

You aIways buy the shorts and you go out
and think you're an athIete.

I went out the first day on the bike,
out to Richmond Park,

cycIing around the park,
and then I got thirsty.

You know, when you get thirsty as a punter,
you drink.

But when you're an athIete,
when you've got the bike and the shorts,

you rehydrate.

So, I'm on the bike,
I put my hands on the handIebar,

I reach into the frame of the bike,
puII the bottIe out

and, whiIe cycIing, pump it!

Pump it to push the fIuids
into my system fast!

Then I reIeased,
forgetting to disengage the bottIe

from the corner of my mouth.

So when I did this, it popped out,
creating a vacuum

which instantIy sucked the fIuid
back up my throat,

out of my mouth, into the bottIe again.

I, effectiveIy, rinsed myseIf out.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

When I took the bottIe away,
it was as heavy as it had been

when I initiaIIy introduced it
into the situation.

But I didn't faII.
I wobbIed, I wobbIed ferociousIy.

I was aII over the road, but I didn't faII!

You don't faII when you're at speed.
You faII when you're static.

You faII when you're in traffic.
You faII when you're at the Iights.

You faII when there are others around
to see you faII.

(LAUGHING)

That's when you faII off
a menopausaIIy-purchased expensive bike

that you don't reaIIy know how to use.

And you faII sIowIy.

'Cause if you're at speed,
you can go down to here

and the momentum wiII carry you around.

But if you're static, if you go to here,
that's enough for gravity to go,

''I'm having you.''

And you go down sIowIy.

Enough time for peopIe to go, ''Whoa!
Timber. He's going down. He's going down.''

''Hey, John, Iook at this. This is hiIarious.''

''Here, Mary, Mary, come here.
No, park the car. You've Ioads of time.

''Come on.''

The most important thing to do
when you're faIIing off a bike is,

make the face!

Make the face! This is vitaI.
This is the face, ''Ugh.''

That's the face.

If you do, ''Ugh'', peopIe have a refIex,
they have to go, ''Ugh'' back at you.

And you're going, ''Ugh''
and they're going, ''Ugh''.

You're going, ''I'm faIIing'',
they're going, ''I'm faIIing meseIf.''

''Oh, here we go.''
''Happens to the best of us.''

That makes it okay.

If you go, ''Ugh'', peopIe Iook at you
and they go, ''Ugh'' as weII.

''Oh, weII, you know.''
And in their head it goes, ''Wah, wah, wah.''

And that makes it aII okay.

You couId try to stop yourseIf faIIing,
but that's impossibIe.

Because the man who soId you
the bike and the shorts

aIso soId you the shoes.

The speciaI, magicaI cycIing shoes
that cIip onto the pedaIs

for the officiaI, efficient transferraI of energy
from thighs to bike.

But you can't get them off the pedaIs
'cause you keep forgetting

the 30-degree, Fred Astaire, uncIippy angIe
that you have to do.

And you're faIIing off a bike,
you can't remember that.

Because haIf your brain is going,
''Oh, Jesus! You're faIIing! You're faIIing!''

And the other haIf is going,
''Make the face! Make the face!''

So you kick. You kick furiousIy!
But you're strapped to the pedaIs.

So the energy goes down one pedaI
and then up the other pedaI

and now you're shaking.

You're making the face!
You're making the face!

But peopIe are Iooking at you and going,
''Jeez, he's having a fit!''

You're shaking aII over the pIace
and they're going,

''Who gave the epiIeptic a bike?''

(LAUGHING)

''It must have been the traffic Iights
that set him off.''

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

And, Mummy, it hurts!
It hurts when you hit the ground!

I've had back injuries... How many peopIe
here have ever had back pain?

(AUDIENCE AGREEING)

Loads of peopIe.

Oh, it's a chore,
'cause you don't know what to do.

(GROANING)

I can't handIe this, right.
It's a fucking nightmare of a thing, back pain.

I was whining about one back injury
for a whiIe

to a mate of mine for so Iong,
he eventuaIIy went, ''Jesus!

''There's a chiropractor near me,
go get yourseIf checked out.''

I said, ''Is he good?'' He said, ''I don't know.

''You go check yourseIf out.''

WeII, I'm here with my review. It's voodoo.

That's my review of chiropracty.
It's voodoo with percussion buiIt in.

They Iie you down and they do cIickety-pop,
cIick cIick pop,

cIickity-poppity, cIick pop cIick-cIock pop
on your back.

Then the guy stood me up.

Stood me in the room, Iooking away,
he went behind me,

reached over my shouIders,

grabbed my head and went, ''Crack.''

So, IiteraIIy, you're there going,
''I wonder what's happening... Fucking heII!

''I wasn't expecting that.''

No doctor does that!

I've never seen
any trained medicaI professionaI do that.

I've seen Jason Bourne do it.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I've seen Bruce WiIIis do it
in a Die Hard movie.

I've never seen a Die Hard movie
where he sneaked up behind somebody

and gone, ''Crack!'',

and they've gone, ''Jesus, that's fantastic.
Thanks very much.

''Oh, God, you've reaIIy Ioosened that up.
I'd a knot of tension there for years.

''That's aII gone now. Oh, sure, that was
the onIy reason I got into terrorism,

''was the duII, nagging pain in my neck.

''Thank you, John McCIane,
for reIeasing me from that.''

And my fears were confirmed
by a mate of mine, Simon Singh,

who wrote an articIe for The Guardian
a coupIe of years ago

pointing out that some chiropractors
cIaim to cure infant coIic,

and asthma and ear infections
in young chiIdren, right.

And he said there's no evidence for this,
this is bogus.

And the entire organisation of chiropractors
sued him for IibeI, right.

The case dragged on for two years
and cost hundreds of thousands of pounds

and they eventuaIIy backed down
because they had no case.

And it was a waste of time, a Iudicrous
kind of nonsense thing to do, right.

And a Iot of peopIe got very angry
because of the medicaI impIications,

or because of the IegaI impIications.

Me, my reaction
was much more of a gut feeIing

of ''what manner of eejit
brings an infant to a chiropractor?''

Have you ever met an infant and gone,
''How are you feeIing?''

And the kid's gone, ''I'm fucking knotted.
Stop it. Jeez. I'm in bits.

''I got out of the cot this morning, twang,
I can't move.

''Oh, stop it! I bent over to pick up
a Peppa Pig, I couIdn't get down.

''Oh, sure, I'm a martyr to me back, a martyr.

''I've got a pIaygroup in an hour. I don't know
how the fuck I'm gonna get through that.''

I am aware, by the way, at this stage,
it sounds Iike

everything I taIk about is either back pains
or becoming oId,

or having choIesteroI,
or needing to ride a bike at Iast.

I'm not decrepit, by the way.

I wiII see it to the end of the gig, right.
I'm not gonna die.

In fact, not to boast, but in the Iast year
I have saved Iives.

(CROWD CHEERING)

Took your time about that.

It's okay. I couIdn't have offered you
as obvious a panto moment

if I'd fIagged it up with a dame
and somebody dancing behind you, right.

It's not that easy a cIaim to make.
How many peopIe here can do it?

Has anyone here ever saved a Iife?

AUDIENCE: Yes.

Oh, I see Ioads of hands go up.
You have, you have, you have.

-What do you do for a Iiving?
-MAN: Fireman.

You're a fireman? WeII, that's your job. So...

I can't compete.

Sitting at the front, in removabIe trousers,
ready to shimmy down a poIe...

Go on, sIide down that, you prick.
Uh, it's okay.

Of course - you probabIy saved three
on the way here today.

You were probabIy juggIing orphans.
''Oh, here, get them out of the fire.

''It's the onIy way to carry three babies at a
time when the orphanage is burning down...''

(VOCALISING CIRCUS MUSIC)

I can't compete with you.
You'II aIways win this game.

I'm Iooking for punters.
Who, as a punter, has ever saved a Iife?

Okay, that woman there. What did you do?

-WOMAN: I saved a chiId.
-You saved a chiId. But from what?

From a swimming pooI?

Oh, was it one of those mean swimming
pooIs that creeps up on chiIdren

and jumps on them?
Was the chiId in the pooI at the time?

She feII into the pooI? Were you in the pooI?

No, I was sunbathing.

You were sunbathing near the pooI
when the chiId went in?

Is it your chiId, by the way?
No. Okay, grand. And what did you do?

-I dived in.
-You dived in after the chiId?

That's the correct answer rather than,

''I Iooked going, 'Jesus, there must be
a parent around here somewhere.

'''Isn't it disgracefuI the way some peopIe
raise their chiIdren today?

'''AII right, I'II get up.''' Right?

So, you crossed over to the chiId.
How deep was the water?

-Very.
-Very deep?

Yeah, give me a fucking number.
''Very deep''!

Where was this pooI by the way?
Was it a hoteI somewhere...

-Ibiza.
-It was in Ibiza, right. Okay.

How deep was the water? 10 foot?
A 10-foot hoteI swimming pooI?

No one is beIieving that for a second, pet,
that you were staying at a hoteI

excIusiveIy buiIt for OIympic-cIass
diving faciIities, and a chiId...

Four foot, wasn't it?
It was fucking four foot.

And you just did this: ''Get out of there, Iad.''

That's the IeveI of Iife-saving
you've achieved, right, isn't it?

Was it the kiddie pooI?
It was the kiddie pooI, wasn't it?

It was the... It was!
It was the fucking... Okay, fine.

Anyway, weII done.
Give her a round of appIause.

She saved a chiId from drowning
in a swimming pooI.

In that much of water.

She risked her own Iife.

She fought a torrent of water
up to three and a haIf foot deep

to save that chiId. You're a Iegend, my friend.

Who has ever saved somebody?
Who has ever saved a Iife? Come on.

You, man down there. What did you do?

-MAN: I gave bIood.
-You gave bIood?

Okay.

I may have given you the impression
that that woman had achieved nothing.

But I'm recaIibrating that after your
shitty contribution to this debate, right.

Gave bIood? You Iay there
and then they give you a biscuit.

She's got wet for her story, right?

And you got a cup of tea out of it as weII,
didn't you?

Yeah, but it was baby bIood.

Baby bIood?
It was baby bIood? Hang on.

But did you, as an aduIt, give baby bIood?

How did you do that? What crazy time
paradox did you achieve... How?

-Is your bIood speciaI bIood?
-Yes.

What is it?
Rhesus negative or something, is it?

-It's 'O' negative.
-It's 'O' negative, is it?

Oh, so you can give it to babies
and everything.

Do they bring you into hospitaIs
when there are baby emergencies

and you go, ''Don't worry, I shaII save you.''

''And aII I shaII ask to save you
is one biscuit and a cup of tea.

''That's aII I need.''

NonetheIess, you did the right thing.
Good for you. Baby bIood.

Have you ever met any of the babies
who've received your bIood?

No, you don't. They don't keep in touch.

WouId you feeI a sense of ownership,
wouId you, when you see those?

WouId you be Iike, ''Hey, bastard, I own you.
You're mine. You're mine now.''

Looking at you with a toy in his hand...

AII right. A more action-packed story.
Anybody here ever...

You, what did you do?

(MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

Your friend broke a Ieg?

His own Ieg, one of his two Iegs,
or broke somebody eIse's Ieg?

Whose Iegs did you break?

-She broke her Ieg.
-She broke her Ieg. Yeah. How?

You were cycIing and she feII off the bike
and she broke her Ieg?

And she aImost died of broken Ieg, did she?

What eIse happened?
'Cause broken Ieg is broken Ieg,

and it's a serious thing,
but very rareIy do peopIe go,

''Oh, she broke her Ieg
and we just had to put her down.

'''Cause she was worth nothing
to anyone any more.

''We put screens around her
and just shot her in the head.

''And that was the most humane thing
to do at that stage.''

Is your friend a horse in this particuIar story?

Um, no. What did you have to do?

You rang the doctor?

You rang a hospitaI?
Oh, you're a fucking Iegend, you are!

That's even worse than
''I gave bIood'' as a story.

No, what... Did you physicaIIy
have to do anything?

(INDISTINCT)

The ambuIance was taking too Iong,
so you did what?

You carried her?

When you say friend, speciaI friend?

Not a speciaI friend now? Not even after that?

What does a bIoke have to do these days
to naiI one of his mates?

You pushed her off the bike
to create the accident,

then you quickIy rang the hospitaI,
bIuffed about:

''Oh, they can't get her, I shaII carry you.''

How far did you carry her? A miIe?

Yeah, it's okay. You know, I'm not sure
to what extent you actuaIIy saved her,

but nonetheIess give him a round
of appIause. He carried her back, right.

Here's a proper...
Has anyone here done CPR?

You've done CPR? Are you trained to do it?
Are you a nurse or a doctor, or...

-The ambuIance corps.
-You work for the ambuIance corps?

When they trained you at CPR...

This is a question I aIways ask peopIe
about CPR...

It's a very simpIe question.
What song did they use to train you?

-(INDISTINCT)
-Nellie the Elephant.

I... This is a fact I onIy Iearnt on this tour.

They use Nellie the Elephant
to train peopIe in CPR.

I cannot think of anything
that wouId Iower your authority more

in a Iife-saving situation

than pushing through a crowd going,
''PIease back away.

''I'm trained in
cardiopuImonary resuscitation.

''If you'd just give me some space.
Thank you very much.''

# Nellie the Elephant packed her trunk

# And said goodbye to the circus
Offshe went with a clipetty... #

I can't think of anything...

Can you imagine the famiIy
of the person, going,

''What the fuck are you doing to me dad?''

I asked a woman in Margate
who said, ''I've done CPR.''

I said, ''What song did they use to train you?''

And she goes, ''Oh, you know,
the one from Dumbo. ''

No, you can't just substitute
any eIephant-based song into that gap.

What's exciting, though, is it's no Ionger
Nellie the Elephant.

It has moved on. There is now a new song
for the training of CPR.

What is the new song
for the training of CPR?

-CROWD: Stayin' Alive.
-Stayin' Alive by the Bee Gees.

And I'm not making that up.

You're now supposed to push into the crowd
and go, ''Back away,

''back away, back away.''

# Ha, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive, stayin' alive #

It onIy works if you take the patient's arms,
move one of them down to his hip,

and move the other one pointing straight up.

Don't get the wrong Bee Gees song.

You don't want to be Ieaning
over somebody, going,

# Tragedy #

''What the fuck are you doing to me dad?''

Here's my story. Two peopIe. I saved
two peopIe's Iives at the same time.

GenuineIy true story, right.
Don't be impressed. That's fair enough.

Two peopIe in PiccadiIIy Circus tube station
in London Iast summer.

This is a compIeteIy true story.

I'm on the escaIator, the down escaIator.
I'm on my way down to the bottom.

A woman at the bottom does a thing which
no one has done in about 120 years,

where she faiIs to successfuIIy navigate
that awkward transition

between the escaIator and PIanet Earth.

You know, that IittIe steppy,
that IittIe kind of,

that IittIe raised...
She catches herseIf on that. CIick.

(EXCLAIMING)

And goes down, right.
She hurts herseIf, bangs her knee.

The bIoke behind her
doesn't have time to react.

He cIatters across her, injuring her more.

The woman behind him has just enough time
to step to one side

and Iand beside her and go, ''Oh, my God,
are you okay?''

And she goes, ''No, I've hurt my knee
quite badIy actuaIIy.''

And the two of them turn, Iook up
and go, ''No!''

'Cause now I am being fired towards them
at an incredibIe speed.

Oh, they're fucked, they're gone,
they're dead.

There's no getting out of this situation.

They're in awfuI state. I'm gonna be
Iike a bowIing baII and they're skittIes.

I'm gonna send them, fragments of them,
aII over the tube station.

There's gonna be bIood and guts.

No amount of baby bIood
is gonna save these two women

when I cut through them with my buIk.

The two of them are Iooking up at me going,
''Ahhh!''

Try to imagine the bouIder at the start
of Raiders of the Lost Ark.

That's what I must've Iooked Iike to them
as I'm Iooming over them, bIocking out Iight,

my shadow faIIing onto their faces.

''Ahhh, you're gonna die.''

Which didn't heIp the mood in any way
whatsoever at that stage.

''You're gonna die, ahhh!''

And then I did a thing.
I did an incredibIe thing.

A thing that you know the time you saw
the chiId in the pooI

and you had to save him.

You know the time that your friend
twisted her ankIe

that time when you were cycIing

and you decided braveIy to piggy-back her
aII the way to the hospitaI, right.

Anyway, I did a thing, an incredibIe thing.

A once-in-a-Iife...
To save these women's Iives,

I did an amazing thing.
I'm not saying you couIdn't have done it.

I'm not saying you wouIdn't have
the quickness of thought

or you wouIdn't have the physicaI dexterity
to do the thing that I did

in that moment to save these women's Iives.
I did an incredibIe thing.

I turned around and started
to waIk back up the escaIator.

Saving these women's Iives.

And startIing the bIoke who's now coming
towards me at the same speed.

''What the fuck are you doing?''
And I went, ''No!''

He went, ''What are you doing?''
I said, ''There's a woman injured.''

So he turned around and now the two of us
are waIking side by side.

Just striding aIong.
And we had to teII everyone.

''Turn around, yeah,
if you couId turn around.''

''Oh, for fuck sake!'' Everyone
on the escaIator had to turn around.

They're aII just hovering in space.

The entire escaIator up to the top
is just fIoating, going,

''For how Iong? How Iong
are we fucking doing this?''

I can onIy dream of how it Iooked
to the other escaIator.

The genuine up escaIator,
which was rammed with commuters,

just going past, going,
''What the... This is the one.

''This is the one, Iads.
What the fuck are you doing over there?

''This is the one that goes aII the way up.

''Are you Iot saImon or something?
What are you?''

And we were there, going,
''Saving Iives, peopIe, saving Iives.

''This is what saving Iives Iooks Iike.''

It's an incredibIe story, I accept that.
An inspirationaI story, an amazing story.

However, sometimes they're
not that inspiring at aII.

First time I ever asked the question,
a bIoke, in a gig here in London,

raised his arm and went, ''I've saved a Iife.''
I said, ''What happened?''

He toId an amazing story.
ToId the story of a time he was on a jetty

in a harbour and there was somebody
stepping off a boat.

And as they stepped off the boat,
the water surged

and pushed the boat out,
so it was Iike taut, right.

And the guy stepped off into nothing.
Where the jetty had been

was now back there
and now he stepped into the water,

and he was gonna die, 'cause what happens
is when the surge goes down,

the boat's gonna come crashing
back in again

and it's gonna crush the guy up
against the jetty.

The man wasn't having any of this.
He ran over and grabbed the guy's arm

and puIIed him out of the water and
pIonked him down on the jetty beside him.

Massive round of appIause.
Huge, spontaneous round of appIause.

I went, ''Oh, my God, it's amazing.''
I Iooked at him, ''That is incredibIe.''

And the guy went, ''Nah, it was aII right,
I suppose.''

And I said, ''Why is that not incredibIe?''

And he went, ''WeII, he was a prick.''

What're you gonna do?

Where were we, Iadies and gentIemen?
Oh, yes, the 19-year-oId girIs.

That's where I started.

No, no, no, here's a different situation,
and a situation that's very common in my Iife,

where I now find myseIf often
in the company of women.

Just me and Ioads of women. AII right?

(CROWD WHOOPING)

PIease, it's not what you think.

What's wrong with you peopIe,
with your dirty minds? Right.

No, it's me and mothers, right,
and by which I mean, IiteraIIy, mothers,

rather than, ''You fucking mother.''
Anyway, so...

Okay, I'm sorry. I've stumbIed across a Iot
of peopIe who are into MILFs in a huge way.

I'm sorry.

I spend, these days, every...
I spend a Ioad of my time,

about 1 1 :00 in the morning, it's me
and mother, mother, mother, mother, mother

at these cIasses caIIed Drum-a-rama
or Jimma-Iimma ding-dong, aII right.

These cIasses you got to with a toddIer
in order to tire the fucker out.

What's that? Didn't I mean to increase
their coordination and sociaI skiIIs?

No, tire the fucker out, so they'II sIeep
and you can drink some wine.

And when I go, it is IiteraIIy me
as the onIy grown-up maIe there

and mother, mother, mother,
mother, mother, and they Iook at you...

Mothers Iook at you
when you're the onIy man

in a kind of, ''What are you doing here

''in our sacred mothering space
with your penis?''

ObviousIy, impIicitIy with your penis,

rather than, ''What the fuck are you doing
with your penis?

''Put it away, for Christ's sake!

''It's Drum-a-rama,
they suppIy the drumsticks,

''there's no need to take that out.''

CoIIectiveIy, I have to say this,
mummies are bitches.

They reaIIy are.

Oh, I'm sorry, I had a mother waIk up to me
once in a swimming Iesson and go,

''You may not change with your daughter.''

I went, ''How dare you?''

''It's the most naturaI, normaI thing for
a father and a chiId to change together.

''Of course I'II change with my daughter.
There's nothing weird about it or wrong...

''How dare you even impIy that
there's something wrong with that?''

And the woman Iooked at me and went,
''It's the woman's changing room.''

So I Iooked at her and went,
''Who are you to pIace such structures

''in a chiId's mind?

''Why don't you and the other mummies
just go back to the showers

''and I'II just sit here and finish my cigar?''

So I don't go to swimming Iessons any more.

No, I now go to soft-pIay areas,

which are these arenas which are
speciaIIy buiIt and aII padded

so the kids can run into things
and not hurt themseIves.

And then they run into each other.

And you're outside
with some stranger parent

and you have to do this reaI,
''Ooh, ooh, ooh, are they okay?

''Are they grand, are they okay, are they fine?

''Are they aII right? Oh, are they aII right?''

You know, ''Oh, bit of rough and tumbIe
doesn't do them any harm in the Iong run,

''a few tears now, it'II be fine.
It'II be grand, it'II be fine.

''It'II be grand.''

That's what you say,
but on the inside, you're going,

''Boom! My kid's poned your kids.''

You turn into Don King of the bouncy castIe.

''Get that Ioser out of here,
who's next with my chiId?''

I either go there or pet shops,
which are, of course, a free zoo.

And peopIe who work in pet shops
know this,

and they Iook at you going,
''You're not gonna buy a thing, are you?''

And you waIk in,
''No, I'm not buying a thing. Ha-ha-ha!

''Look at the fish. Come on.
Go on, Iook at the fish for haIf an hour

'''cause daddy's hung over to fuck.
So you Iook at the fish for a whiIe

''whiIe I rest my head on a terrarium.''
(SNORING)

Now, I'm aware that is actuaIIy sIightIy risky
for a comedian

to taIk about these kind of topics, right.

These are the ones that
actuaIIy kind of aIienate peopIe,

'cause a Iot of peopIe, they're a certain age,
they don't have kids,

don't want to hear about this, right.

It can Iook mawkish or sentimentaI,
and that's not what I'm trying to achieve.

And particuIarIy, say...
WeII, Iet's go very, very, very...

You, you, you, you two there, right.
What age are you two?

14. And you? You're 14 as weII. Okay, grand.

Right, now, you are perfect, right,
for these kind of things,

because you're teenage boys. 14-year-oIds
don't want to hear something about...

I'm sorry, am I interrupting
your recording iIIegaIIy of my show?

I Ioving the brazenness there.
Like, we have nine cameras, but you thought,

''No, the phone wiII capture
the moment better

''than any possibIe media production thing
that we have.''

No, go for it, no, go for it.
I'd Iike to... You can run it as an extra.

-Your view. What's your name?
-Johnny.

Johnny, is it Johnny? Yeah, as an extra,
''Johnny's view of the show'',

which is Iike that.

Just can't stay... Every time I Iook over,
it'II go down, right.

No, Johnny, we'II use you as an ambassador

for young men in the audience, right,
just for a second,

'cause you don't want to hear stuff
about babies, I know that.

I know that you don't wanna hear that.
That's not as rare an instinct

as you might imagine.

How many peopIe...
This is a test I run every night.

How many peopIe in this room
think babies are cute?

(WHOOPING)

Okay. How many peopIe in this room
think kittens and puppies are cute?

(CROWD SHOUTING)

Yep. Every night,
the kittens and the puppies win.

BeIieve me, I've done this show 1 20 times,

every night, the kittens...
There's never even a debate,

the kittens trounce babies.

There's something reaIIy fucked up
on an evoIutionary IeveI.

We find the young of other species

to be more appeaIing
than the young of our own, right.

Not just kittens, not just puppies,

Iambs, duckIings,

baby crocodiIes.

If you're ever on a pIane
and an air hostess went,

''I'm afraid you wiII be sitting next to a baby'',

and you automaticaIIy go,
''Oh, for fuck's sake.

''Oh, no. Oh, come on.

''No, I do not need...
It's my hoIiday as weII. No.''

And then she goes, ''A baby crocodiIe.''

And you go, ''Yay!''

You'II be feeding it rashers
aII the way through the fIight.

''Come on, Snappy, have a bit of bacon.
There you go.

''(EXCLAIMING) You IittIe monkey, get down.''

It's just one of those things.
You know, we don't Iike them much.

Here's another thing.

I'm not gonna be sentimentaI about it,
trust me, in any way.

In fact, I'II give this piece of advice:
anyone here who doesn't have kids

and who may have kids in the future,
a IittIe tip for you,

IittIe habit you couId break now,
something that, trust me, you do this,

you'II thank me for it in years to come.
Very, very simpIe.

Stop using the word ''dirty''
in a sexuaI context.

We've aII done it, I'm not judging you.

We've aII thrown the word in
to add a bit of spice to a situation,

sort of a frisson to a night,
but it wiII rear up and bite you

when you turn to your infant chiId and go,
''Don't do that, that's dirty.

''Oh, you're a dirty girI.

''Look at you now... God, I can't beIieve
I just said that to my own chiId.

''That is the creepiest thing I've ever done
in my Iife. That is horribIe.''

It's a word that has a proper meaning.

A proper, genuine...
Like naughty is another one as weII.

These words and phrases
have definite, proper meanings.

And when we subvert them
for sexuaI reasons,

we ruin them for when we reaIIy need them.

Dirty, naughty,
and ''Do what Daddy teIIs you''.

So, no, not sentimentaI.

But I might be sIightIy nerdy
in the next IittIe bit.

Is anyone here,
are there any nerds in the room?

(CROWD SHOUTING)

Okay, Ioads of nerds. Good stuff.
Don't fear us, non-nerds.

We're gentIe foIk.

I myseIf am a nerd. I did a degree in Science
a Iong time ago, right.

A degree I stiII get credit for
on chat shows or on QI.

They go, ''Oh, my God,
you did a degree in Science.''

And I have to go, ''Yes, I did.
Don't ask me any questions.''

Fucking a decade and a haIf ago.
I can't remember.

I mean, you can't keep trading
on this stuff forever, right.

You'II know this if you've ever pIayed
five-a-side footbaII.

If you ever pIay five-a-side footbaII,
there's aIways one bIoke going,

''WeII, yeah, I had triaIs,
semi-professionaIIy, when I was 14.''

And you go, ''ReaIIy? 'Cause you're
not 14 now, are you, ya fat prick?

''You've kind of buIked out a bit
in the Iast 25 years.

''At 14, weII, you'd be usefuI,
we couId send him down the wings.

''But you've kind of, you know...
Get in the nets and bIock shit.

''That's aII you're good for now.''

But it does stiII, you know,
get me angry about things Iike...

For exampIe, the Iast show I did, right,
I had a 10-minute routine about homeopathy

and what a crock of shit
homeopathy is, right.

I don't have any homeopathy jokes
in this year's show,

'cause I feeI if I diIute
my homeopathic materiaI,

it'II become much more powerfuI.

If you got that, you're a nerd. AII right.
WeIcome to the group.

Now, what got me angry this year
and in the Iast coupIe of years,

it's been to do with the babies, right.

'Cause the amount of quasi-scientific
buIIshit that's peddIed at new parents,

who don't know any better
and are easiIy frightened, is shocking.

About when the chiId shouId sIeep, or cry,
or eat, or what they shouId pIay to it,

and what you shouId pIay with them...
It's a horrendous industry.

Even before the chiId is born, right.

Now, my two young friends.
HeIIo, how are you?

I'm going to taIk about a thing
caIIed an antenataI cIass.

I'm taking a wiId guess here
that you don't know what that is.

Is that right? Now...

You've a vague idea?
You've seen it, maybe seen it in fiIms,

where there's Iike pregnant women,
circIe of pregnant women,

and they're breathing, and...
That's the one, that's an antenataI cIass.

In this part of the worId,
the cIasses are run by a charity caIIed

The NationaI ChiIdbirth Trust,

very commonIy known
by the abbreviation NCT.

LittIe note for any comedians in the room,

beware abbreviations - they can mean
very different things in different countries.

In IreIand, for exampIe,
NCT stands for NationaI Car Test.

The Irish equivaIent of the MOT.

I, Iike a fucking eejit, forgot that

and waIked out at the start of this tour
and said,

''So, I brought my pregnant wife for an NCT.''

And the whoIe room recoiIed in horror,
as if to go,

''Why wouId you do that? Why wouId you
waIk her into a garage and go,

'''Jesus, the handIing is gone on this,
she's aII over the road.

'''Mind you, the headIamps are better
than I've ever seen them.

'''Don't do anything with them.'''

Now, you don't do this course
because of any of the information invoIved -

you can get that on a Ioad
of different sources.

You do the course because you'II meet
other new mothers.

And it is vitaI for new mothers having
their first baby to have a network,

a support structure of other new mothers
aIso having their first babies

at the same time in the area,

so they can share with them their totaI Iack
of aggregate knowIedge or experience.

It is Iike the rest of us having a
computer heIpdesk that we'd ring up and go,

''HeIp, my computer's fucked.''
''That sounds terribIe.''

''It is. How are you?''
''I'm aII right.'' ''Bye.''

That's the IeveI of care
they can offer each other, right.

The course, by the way,
is aIso run by midwives.

Now, midwives are fabuIous peopIe
who do wonderfuI jobs.

But some midwives are surprisingIy poIiticaI.

Some midwives think they're in a turf war...

with doctors. In a ''Don't Iet the doctors
near you'' kind of a way.

'Cause some midwives seem to have
mistaken doctors in their head

for Sweeney Todd,
The Demon Barber of FIeet Street.

ActuaI quote from a midwife:

''Don't Iet the doctors near you
with their knives.''

ActuaI quote. As if the process
isn't scary enough,

we're now thinking doctors are ready
to Iash out randomIy in dark corridors.

The course is aIso taught in that tone,
that tone that I can't stand.

(SOFTLY) ''Okay, we're aII here together.

''We're aII just taking our first steps
on an incredibIe journey of Iife.''

At one stage she goes,
''No surnames, no job titIes.

''What you do outside this room
isn't important right now.

''We're aII the same here.
We're just new parents

''taking our first peek into a wide, new worId.

''Try to ignore the Iarge, baId man
off the teIIy

''sitting in the corner of the room,

''openIy taking notes for use
in a future routine.''

It was aII I couId do to keep sane.

She wouId do things Iike...
She handed out a homeopathy kit, you know,

for Iabour pains, and it came round to me,
and I went,

''Oh, ingredients: water. That'II be handy
when you're screaming your face off.''

I imagine aII that screaming probabIy
dries your throat out a bit, right?

And then she gets
to some of the genuine science.

My two young friends here, for exampIe,
there's a hormone in a woman's body

caIIed oxytocin, right.

Oxytocin is a hormone reIeased
during Iovemaking

and is aIso the hormone
that reguIates Iabour, right.

The woman is taIking about this
and she says,

''Oxytocin,'' she says...

''Oxytocin is best reIeased

''in a quiet, dimIy-Iit,

''nurturing environment,

''where there are no Ioud noises

''or sharp sounds.''

You're going, ''It's not a fucking badger.''

She goes further. She says
the production of oxytocin wiII haIt,

wiII haIt,

if your partner has to answer
any difficuIt questions,

or make any decisions,

or perform any rationaI thought.

And we're aII sitting there going,
''WeII, that sounds handy, doesn't it?''

If you go into Iabour in a shopping centre
or up a mountain,

''Oh, God, I've gone into Iabour.''

''Pop quiz.''
''Oh, fuck, it stopped. Nice work.''

PresumabIy you can stave off Iabour
using onIy a Nintendo DS

and a copy of Dr Kawashima's
Brain Training Regime.

And then she gets to a major issue.

Oh, Iads, Iads, Iads, Iads, Iads.
You'II know nothing about this.

I'm gonna say something here that
you wiII never heard of before in your Iife.

Never heard of this.
But when I say it, watch out for this.

When I say something
in about a minute's time,

every woman in this room
is gonna make a noise.

Every one of you wiII make this noise.

And I'm not proud of this noise
I'm about to make you make.

It's not a good noise I'm gonna make you do.

But there's good stuff just beyond the noise,
there's goId.

But there's a noise barrier

and you've got to make the noise
to get through that barrier, right.

''During the process, there is a point
where a decision may have to be made...''

(IN NASAL TONE) I cannot apoIogise enough.

''Between a tear and a cut.''

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING)

There's the noise.

There's the noise I've heard
1 20 times so far in this tour.

The noise and aIso the hands.

If it's any comfort to you,

there are two 14-year-oIds
who haven't a cIue what just happened,

who are sitting in the front row going,

''What, do they have to cut them out of
their jeans? Is that what happens there?''

We get to this important point
and the woman's discussing it,

and in her fuII-on, ''Don't Iet the doctors
near you'' way, she goes,

''ObviousIy,'' she says,
''you shouId chose the naturaI path.''

Which is a debatabIe point, right?

But to back up this stance, to back this up,

unbeIievabIy she goes,
''Besides which,'' she says,

''Besides which,

''a tear heaIs better than a cut.''

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING)

I'm Ioving you for that sound. Yes.

That's exactIy the sound
we made at the time of,

''Huh? What, that sounds...

''What? That sounds counterintuitive at best.''

I turned to my wife, who is a surgeon.

AIthough not aIIowed to say it.
I said, ''ReaIIy?''

And she goes, ''No, it fucking doesn't.''

''That's the stupidest thing
I've ever heard in my Iife.

''What does she think we've been doing
for the Iast 250 years?''

I said, ''WeII, do you want to
correct her on this?''

''If I correct her on this,
I've got to correct her on everything she said

''for the Iast day and a haIf.

''Let's just get the emaiI addresses
and get out of here, aII right?''

A friend of mine summed it up briIIiantIy.

A mate of mine, himseIf and his wife
had just been to the whoIe thing,

and I was taIking to him a few days Iater,
and I said to him,

''Oh, my God, she said an incredibIe thing.

''She said a tear heaIs better than a cut.''

And your man goes, ''Oh, yes! Oh, yes!

''That's very weII known now.

''In fact, most surgeons these days,
for the initiaI incision,

''wiII use a bear.''

There's an image to get out of your heads.
This...

''Dr Bear to Theatre Three.

''Dr Bear to Theatre Three.''

(GROWLING)

(WHOOSHING)

''What are we doing today?''
''Appendectomy.'' ''Stand back.''

(TEARING) ''Goodbye.''

(GROWLING)

''Oh, Dr Bear, are you going
back to the mess now?

''Yes, maybe my porridge
has cooIed down by now.''

(GROWLING)

There's a question. There's a question.
Apropos of nothing,

but how, how, how, do you cook porridge
in one pot, on one ring, on one stove,

then doIe it out into three separate bowIs
and it goes to three different temperatures.

How exactIy does that happen?

Somebody expIain to me the physics
of that situation. I'm not getting it, right.

Mummy bear, your porridge is coId.
Why are you going for a waIk?

It's not gonna heat up whiIe
you're wandering round the woods.

Your chiId's porridge is
the right temperature.

Let him eat his breakfast.

Just 'cause Daddy bear,
Mr Doctor Daddy bear, is going,

''Oh, it burns my mouth.''
WeII, bIow on it, you prick.

BIow on it, for Christ's sake,
or put miIk into it.

That's what we do with hot porridge.
We don't go for a waIk every time.

That's how we get aII these
burgIaries aII the time.

And another thing.

How do you construct a wooden chair,
Mr Handyman?

TeII me this, Mr Handyman.

How do you construct a wooden chair
that wiII take the weight of a baby bear,

a big, roIy-poIy baby bear,

and then the minute a smaII, bIonde girI
tries to sit on it,

the thing coIIapses under her weight.

And another thing.

How do they even have a baby bear,

given that he won't go into her bed
'cause it's too soft?

''Come over here, Mummy bear.''

''I wiII not. It's too hard.''

''It's not the onIy thing that's too hard.
Get over here now!''

Sorry. I'm sorry.

Let's go back to the room.

We're in the quiet room with the midwife
and aII of the coupIes, right,

and then a thing happens, and this is
word for word the way it happens.

I Iove this story. Every time I teII this story,
1 20 times now,

I can see his face. I can see his face, right.

So we're in the room with the midwife
and she does quite a cIever thing,

where she reads out a Iist of
aII the physicaI changes

that wiII occur in a women's body
over the course of the pregnancy.

So that the women there can go,
''Ah, that happened to me,''

or (GASPS) ''That happened to me'',
and it'II demystify them.

She goes through her Iist.
She goes, ''Some of you,

''some of you may have experienced

''constipation.''

And in the corner of the room,
one man raised his hand.

And it's better than you think,
'cause we aII went, ''What the fuck!''

Even the midwife went, ''What the fuck!''

And your man goes, ''We've had that.''

If you can imagine her face, the Iook of,
''We? I don't think we had that.

''We've shouIdered many burdens together
over the Iast eight and a haIf months,

''but, frankIy,
constipation wasn't one of them.''

We aII just about recover

and a minute or two Iater
she's going through the Iist,

and she goes, ''Some of you,'' she says,

''some of you may have experienced

''sore nippIes.''

Up his arm goes again.

No one can Iook. Everyone's going,
''Don't Iook. Don't Iook at that.

''That is the funniest thing
that has ever happened.

''That man's nippIes are sore
because his wife is pregnant.

''Look at your shoes, Iook at your shoes.
Don't fucking Iook.

''I wiII die Iaughing if I Iook at that man.

''EarnestIy, with his sore tits
because his wife is pregnant.

''Oh, my God, that is the funniest thing
that has ever happened.''

Me, I'm checking me nippIes.

I'm just seeing if I'm one of the Iucky ones.

I've dodged a buIIet. I'm aII right.

I'm saying to me wife,
''This is actuaIIy quite pIeasant.

''This might get me through the Iabour,
to be honest.''

And we're aII going,
''Oh, God, do another one.

''Do another one, do another one,
do another one.''

'Cause we know this game is about to end.

We're about to break for Iunch.
It's Iike 1 2:30 on the first day.

When we break for Iunch,
that coupIe are not coming for Iunch

with any of the rest of us.

She's dragging him away
to the farthest cafe she can find,

getting the rustiest fork she can find

and ramming into his thigh and going,

''Nobody eIse was sharing information
about their partner's arse or tits.

''Why are you teIIing them this stuff?

''You better zippity, zippity
for the rest of the weekend.''

We're going, ''Oh, do one more,
do one more, do one more.''

And your woman onIy has
one or two on the Iist.

She's aImost at the end of her Iist,
and she goes, ''Some of you...

(GRUNTING)

''Some of you may have experienced

''unusuaI discharge.''

And the whoIe room just went, ''Hmm?''

And just as his arm went, she went,

''Fucking zippity, zippity.
Fucking shut up. Shut up.''

GenuineIy... I have met him since.
It kiIIs me. Er, sorry...

Okay, we're off the bioIogy.
Young men, we're off the bioIogy.

We're just on to the cuIture now, right.
We're off the ickiness, right.

If you have a chiId, this is the thing
that everyone says,

''Oh, you're having a chiId?
(GASPS) You'II have no time.

''Oh, you'II have no time.
Oh, God, no, you'II have to give up...

''You'II have to give up so much,
you'II have no time any more.''

PeopIe say this to you Iike it's a sacrifice.
It's not a sacrifice, aII right.

We got too much shit at the moment.

Too much cuIture, too much content,
too much stuff to keep across, right.

I had a night in not Iong ago.
This may have happened to any of you.

ChiId asIeep, wife out, house to meseIf.

''What'II I do? What'II I do?
WeII, I'II watch a bit of sport.

''I've got 14 sports channeIs.

''There's bound to be a match
or a tournament or a game

''or something I can have a Iook at.

''I got the house to meseIf,
I'II watch a movie. I got 20 movie channeIs.

''And besides which, I'm aIways buying DVDs.

''Let's Iook at the DVDs I've bought
and never watched.

(GASPS) ''A box set of a TV series.
I haven't seen the end of this

'''cause I watched a coupIe of episodes...

''So, what am I doing?
The stuff's saved onto the Sky+ box.

''There's 200 channeIs
being pumped Iive into the house,

''there's bound to be something to watch.
No, I won't watch, I'II pIay.

''I've got three consoIes and guitars,
and wobbIe boards, and aII sorts of guns...

''No, I won't pIay. I'II Iisten.
I'II Iisten to some music.

''I'm aIways buying CDs.
I never Iisten to aII this music.''

ShaII I go onIine, to Spotify?
I can Iisten to aII the music in the worId.

''I'II go onIine. I'II go to Facebook or Twitter.
I'II read a book!

''I'm aIways buying books.
I never can keep on with a book.''

In the end I watched
the Iast hour of Robocop.

Faced with aII of the worId's cuIture,

I panicked and just feII into a fetaI position
and went back to me chiIdhood again, right.

There's too much stuff.

And do you know what's irritating?
Often the same stuff over and over again.

I'm in a battIe with the fiIm I Am Legend.

I Am Legend is your typicaI
''meh'' bIockbuster.

You know, you watch it for 90 minutes
and then go, ''Meh!'' Right?

But soId to us across a miIIion formats,

soId to us repeatedIy,
soId in the cinemas, then on DVD,

then on BIu-ray, on the movie channeIs,
then on the terrestriaI channeIs.

AIso downIoadabIe for the iPod,
the iPhone and the iPad.

You can aIso downIoad it
for the Xbox 360 and the PS3,

on a smaII disc for the PSP.

You can aIso get it...
I was traveIIing Iast year,

every pIane I was on and
every hoteI I arrived at,

I Am poxy Legend was being pitched at me.

Everywhere for a year,
I couIdn't get away from the fiIm.

This is the irony. It's a fiIm about
the Iast remaining man on Earth.

And stiII the fucker can't
Ieave me aIone for five minutes.

He's got the entire pIanet to run around,

and everywhere I go,
''I'm a Iegend. Here's me dog.

''I'm a Iegend. I'm a Iegend.
Come here, pIay with me.''

I expect to be stuck in traffic
and for my SatNav to go,

''Traffic is very heavy at the moment.

''WouId you Iike to watch a bit
of I Am Legend?''

No!

And it's not just bIockbusters.
Stuff we didn't even need.

Ten years ago, right, mouthwash.

Mouthwash is a product
we didn't even need ten years ago.

It is currentIy on saIe from Listerine...

It is currentIy on saIe
in supermarkets in this country

in six types of mint.

-Name a type of mint.
-WOMAN: Spearmint.

Spearmint. Yeah, spearmint
didn't make the cut.

Spearmint wasn't one of the mints that did it.
Name another type of mint.

Peppermint. Peppermint didn't
make the cut either.

CooI mint did. These new buIIshit mints.

CooI Mint, Fresh Mint, CIear Mint.

I bought aII six and I racked them up
in front of myseIf Iike a taste test.

For the purpose of this show.

Trust me, you go any direction
and any permutation,

they're aII pretty much mint, right.

And you've a moment of reaIisation
when you go,

''What am I doing? It's a mouthwash.

''You use this immediateIy after
you've brushed your teeth.

''Everything tastes of mint immediateIy
after you've brushed your teeth.

''Fruit, chocoIate, chiIIi,
tarmacadam, a vagina.

''They aII taste of mint.''

ObviousIy the key word is ''immediateIy''.

I keep a tube by the bed. Okay.

Anyway, so you have finaIIy an opportunity
to waIk away from aII this choice,

this tsunami of choice
that we have cuIturaIIy,

'cause if you've got a kid, you can go,
''I'm out of the game.

''I'm out of the game. I don't have time
to keep up with this. I'm gone.''

First thing to go, right, first major
cuIturaI movement I just dropped,

was new music.

New music, I've gone.
I couIdn't give a damn about new music.

Fuck you, Zane Lowe.

Fuck you and everyone eIse
on Radio 1 going,

''You got to Iisten to this twingetty
twing-twing. Yeah, twang, twing, twang.''

Fuck you, right.

Fuck Pixie, Gaga Boots,
whatever you're caIIed.

FIorence and the Mechanics,
good Iuck to you, right.

You fight it out amongst yourseIves,

become cIassic hits,
I'II hear you eventuaIIy, aII right.

I spent a quarter of a century
just forced to keep up with this stuff.

I'm out of the game.
It is Iike throwing off a heavy coat.

And you know what? It's aIso good to be
out of music snobbery as weII,

to go, ''Nah, I'm not part of this.''

Music snobbery is the
worst kind of snobbery.

''Oh, you Iike those noises?
Those sounds in your ear?

''Do you Iike them?
They're the wrong sounds.

''You shouId Iike these sounds
in your ear, right.''

It forces peopIe who Iike something
a bit mainstream, Iike a bit of pop,

Iike a bit of GirIs AIoud or Take That
or a bit of Abba, you know,

to have to go, (GASPS)
''They're my guiIty pIeasure.''

I hate that phrase, right.

It is an insuIt to top-quaIity pop.

It is aIso an insuIt to guiIt.

I might be an atheist now,
but I did my time with the CathoIic Church.

I Iearnt a Iot about guiIt,
and it needed a Iot more than,

''Gimme, gimme, gimme
a man after midnight''

to merit the phrase ''guiIty...''
You had to have the man after midnight,

then you can taIk about guiIt.

If you've got a guiIty pIeasure,
Iet it be something

you genuineIy feeI guiIty about.

You know what my actuaI guiIty,
my genuine guiIty pIeasure is?

I Iike to use a crowded tube train
to touch women.

It feeIs wrong, but it feeIs right.

That's practicaIIy the definition
of a guiIty pIeasure.

It's particuIarIy good if you can
make it seem Iike it's their fauIt.

''Ah, what are you doing?
Jeez. Buy me dinner next time, honey.''

I don't do that, aII right.

Don't waIk away thinking...
I don't, I don't. I just smeII them, aII right.

That's okay, isn't it?

They don't own the air. (INHALING)

''What are you doing?'' ''I'm asthmatic.''

''Maybe.''

Come back. The smeII of warmth.

No, new music gone.
Do you know what eIse went?

Movies. Movies went as weII.

This is the weirdest thing for me.
I used to Iove movies.

My two young friends over here, 14 and 15...
You're stiII fiIming!

I'm Ioving the way you're stiII fiIming this.

We've got to get this stuff and
stick it on the DVD somewhere.

You know there may be a point where
you're physicaIIy removed from there.

So we may need another 14-year-oId
to sit there for the retakes,

for where the guy who couIdn't stop pirating,

even though it was repeatedIy
pointed out to him, ''Don't pirate.''

''I can't stop myseIf. I've got to tape it.
I've got to tape it.

''I'm even bIanking out earIier bits I taped.

''It's just a compuIsion to see
the thing ticking over.

''I'm deIeting beIoved famiIy memories.

''I've got to have this show on tape.''

It's recorded for a DVD. How couId you not...

You can watch it gIossy and Iive
and shiny with your own face in it.

That's how much better the version on DVD...

You're in the one we're selling in the shops.

That's got to be better than the one
you're gonna record now!

I love it!

And I know the minute I talk to you,
he's got it out again, hasn't he?

He's taken it out again.

I know, I know. It's ridiculous. Anyway.

The thing is, that was the best bit to record
and you've chickened out for that bit?

That was definitely the bit to have.
Anyway, where were we? Right.

No, if you were only... At your age...

Sorry, technical question.
Have you seen The Godfather yet?

You haven't. Have you seen
Dog Day Afternoon yet?

Dog Day Afternoon? Does it ring any bells?

Have you seen Taxi Driver yet?
Oh, man, you've got stuff ahead of you.

The two of you have got
such gold ahead of you.

Incredible movies that you have to watch.
It's gonna be brilliant. You're gonna love it.

And there's so many of them.
1970s American independent movies,

1990s American independent movies,
1980s French and Continental movies...

Then, of course, you get to 38
and you've seen them.

And you're stuck with
just a giant shiny robot

flinging Megan Fox
through a Styrofoam wall, right.

And it kind of doesn't
measure up really, you know.

You're kind of going...
And 3D. Ask my arse 3D, right.

I'm sorry.

Here's my take on 3D, right.

They tried in the '50s, they tried in the '80s,

they're trying in 2010. Once every 30 years.

It's like tuberculosis.

It flares up once a generation.

You have to zap it with some antibiotics
and get on with your lives.

That's what you have to do, right?

Don't get me wrong. Awatar.
Ooh, Avatar, what a premise.

(GASPS)

It picks up where Titanic left off.

In as much as half the cast are blue.

Anyway, no, here's the movie that
sums up movies at the moment for me.

I want you to come with me,
'cause I guarantee

the majority won't have seen this film.

Incredible film,
but you won't have seen it, right.

It was a film come out last year,
it was called 2012.

Now, how many of you haven't seen 2012?

Okay, right, a good number of you. Right.
2012 is an apocalypse movie.

Was an apocalypse end of...
Like a disaster movie.

Was the most insane, over-the-top,
ludicrously apocalyptic movie.

Entire cities tilted and fell into lava.

It was just ridicuIous, you know.
ObviousIy you didn't see us dying, right?

That's one of the things about
American disaster movies.

You know you're dead
somewhere in that movie,

but you never see it, right.

You just see the HoIIywood sign
and the New York skyIine

and they're aII destroyed.
You never actuaIIy see us.

I think you couId IocaIise them now.

You know you couId put a thing in
when the DVD comes out.

You know when you put a DVD
in the first time

and it asks you the Ianguage you want,
Iike EngIish, Francais, Suomi.

And you're aIways tempted
to cIick on Suomi,

you know, to see what ''pIay'' is in Suomi.

But you're afraid you'II get trapped in
an extras menu in Suomi

and not be abIe to navigate
your way back out again.

So, you chicken out,
and you press EngIish, right.

They couId do that.
You couId say, ''I'm watching it in...''

ScroII, scroII, scroII, ''London'', right.

And then you'd forget about it.
But an hour and a haIf Iater,

there'd just be a scene
where a bIoke runs in and goes,

''TrafaIgar Square is fucked.''

And then runs out again. It's one of those.

By the way, that Iine I do everywhere.

In every town,
I change it for a IocaI Iandmark.

This is the toughest town to do it in.

Because for the simpIe reason, if I go,
''Leicester Square is fucked!'',

a London crowd just go,
''Yeah, it is, reaIIy. They reaIIy have.''

''They've just Iet it go down so terribIy. Yes.''

Anyway, it's a IudicrousIy
over-the-top disaster movie,

it is hiIarious in its over-the-top-edness.

No pIot! No pIot!

Just John Cusack running away from Iava
for two and a haIf hours.

And aIways just sIightIy ahead of the Iava.

''Oh, God, Iava. Oh, Jesus, Iava.
Quick, get into the car.''

He drove off, the Iava sped up.

Then he gets into a pIane,
the Iava acceIerates again.

After an hour and a haIf of
this brinkmanship, you're going,

''Jesus, John, I'm spotting
a pattern here, right.

''Why don't you hoId stiII for a minute
and see what the Iava does then?

''WiII it come up to you and go,

'''Oh, Jesus, he's caIIed our bIuff.
Quick, get back down the hoIe.

''We can go, we can go. He's stopped.''

It's the most Iudicrous...
They destroy everything.

And it's aII on the screen and you're going,

''Oh, my God, if you destroyed everything,
there must be a reason...

''You must have sat down with geoIogists,
or cosmoIogists, or meteoroIogists,

''to come with some justification for the
greatest apocaIypse that we've ever seen.''

No. There's one Iine in one scene
at the start of the movie

to expIain the entire apocaIypse.

And it's not even repeated to or aIIuded to,
just one Iine, right.

I'm now going to do this. This is why
you have to come with me a bit

'cause you wouIdn't have seen this.
But I wiII make the scene come aIive.

It's India. It's a monsoon.
A man arrives, cIearIy in a hurry.

He's wearing a suit, he's got a smaII bag,
he's rushed to be here.

He's a scientist, he's meeting
another scientist, and he goes,

''I came as soon as you caIIed.''

The other guy in a white coat goes,
''We've had some incredibIe resuIts.''

At which point this bIoke shouId have gone,

''WeII, why didn't you emaiI them to me
Iike we normaIIy do in science these days?

''Why instead did you compeI me to fIy
from Washington to India?

''I've been on nine aeropIanes,
I've watched I Am Legend 14 times.''

But he doesn't say that. He goes,
''Oh, my God, what are they?''

And this bIoke deIivers the greatest Iine
in the history of cinema.

Some of you won't get this immediateIy,
but, trust me, I wiII expIain it.

This guy, a physicist,
turns to the other physicist,

and, without any shame
or compunction, goes,

''The neutrinos have mutated.''

Now, for the non-nerds here,

neutrinos are tiny, sub-atomic,
reaIIy, reaIIy aImost mass-Iess particIes.

They're reIeased in nucIear breakdowns,
Iike in the sun, for exampIe.

500 triIIion of them
pass through your bodies every second.

They can't mutate.

Their structure is fundamentaI to
the structure of the universe, right.

They can't just change.

He might as weII have gone,
''The eIectrons are angry.''

Or, ''The Iight from the sun, it's gone off.''

That's how fucking Iudicrous it is, right.

But he doesn't do this, he goes,
''The neutrinos have mutated.

''And they're heating up the pIanet.''

At which point this bIoke shouId have gone,
''What the fuck are you saying?

''What sort of shit physicist are you?

''What crappy CaIcutta university
spat you out with a fucking degree?

''The neutrino... What the...

''Did you not ask one of the bIokes
to check your figures?

''Then he wouId have given you
a sIap in the chops

''and toId you not to get some guy
to fIy from Washington

''in a monsoon with no change of underwear,

''to teII me about the fucking neutrinos.
You're a fucking eejit.''

He doesn't deIiver this speech.
Instead he goes, ''Oh, my God!''

And runs away from Iava
for two and a haIf hours.

And it's never mentioned again.

This, the most incredibIe thing that's ever
happened in the history of science,

is never mentioned again.

PeopIe don't even go,
when they're running away from the Iava,

(SCREAMS) ''Why?''
They don't even think to ask.

They just run and scream,
and do or die, right.

Even at the end of the movie.

I know you're thinking,
''End of the movie. SpoiIer aIert.''

I can't spoiI it.

They're on a boat, there's a new dawn.
They've aII survived.

Everyone in the cinema
got up and waIked out.

I was the onIy eejit in the Curzon
in Leicester Square

with me arm up going,

''(EXCLAIMS) What happened
to the fucking neutrinos?''

A week ago they had mutated
and were heating up the pIanet.

How did that change aII of a sudden?

That was the most amazing thing
to have happened in physics.

Did it happen twice in eight days?

Did they send a note going,
''Sorry about Iast week.

''Boss was giving me a bit of grief at work.

''Wife was nagging me, I Iashed out.

''Mutated, heated up your pIanet.
Won't happen again. Yours, the Neutrinos.''

How exactIy did that threat go away?

And then you're going,
if you're just gonna make shit up,

if you're just gonna suspend aII Iogic,
then go for it. Jesus, go for it, right.

If you're just gonna go wiId, then go wiId.

With the tiniest of changes, you couId have
a genuineIy amazing movie.

Same opening scene. Rain, man, suit, bag.
''I came as soon as you caIIed.''

Other guy goes,
''We've had some incredibIe resuIts.''

This guy goes, ''What are they?''

If at that stage, with the tiniest of changes,

this bIoke had just gone,

''The Latinos have mutated,

''and they're heating up the pIanet.''

Now, there's a movie.

Two and a haIf hours of running away
from GIoria Estefan.

(CHUGGING)

''Oh, no, the rhythm is gonna get me.''

''Quick.''

''Quick, get into the car.''
(IMITATING CAR ENGINE)

''Who's that in the rear view mirror?''
''It's Ricky Martin.''

(HUMMING)

AII over the worId, mariachi bands erupting
out of the Earth's core.

(VOCALISING)

And the ending. Oh!

The ending wouId be the greatest ending
in the history of cinema.

They're on the boat, it's a new dawn.

They've survived the
Latino apocaIypse of 2012.

John Cusack Iooks at his wife
with Iove in his eyes

and she Iooks at him with Iove in her eyes,

then mounting horror
as she raises up her arms

and she reaIises she's got giant,
muIticoIoured, ruffIed sIeeves on

and a set of maracas in her hands,
and she just goes,

''TequiIa!''

And John Cusack goes, ''No!''

The End. Now, that's a fucking movie
I'd pay money to watch.

But they don't make them Iike that any more.

However, in case you think
I'm just being overIy negative,

I'm dropping music, I'm dropping movies.
There is an art form I'm keeping.

There is an entertainment industry
I am supporting

and continuing to support.

And I'm going to say this.
HaIf of the peopIe who wiII shout in response

and haIf of the peopIe who don't, who'II be
Iike a bit, ''Oh, for God's sake, Dara.''

This is the industry: video games.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

HeIIo to the gamers. HeIIo to the non-gamers
who are going, ''You're kidding me.''

Yes, yes, I know it's supposed
to be embarrassing.

I know I shouIdn't admit to it.
I know this because if I'm at a dinner party

and somebody goes,
''Dara, how do you reIax after a gig?'',

it's Iess embarrassing if I go,
''I masturbate to hardcore pornography.''

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

'Cause once you've got past that Iine,
the conversation is exactIy the same.

''Oh, I've not done that
since I was a teenager.

''Oh, you shouId check it out,
it's reaIIy moved on since then.''

The graphics aIone are unrecognisabIe
and you have to use aII ten fingers.

This is my argument for why video games
are the winners,

are the greatest of aII these industries, right.

Video games do a thing
that no other industry does.

You cannot be bad at watching a movie.

You cannot be bad at Iistening to an aIbum.

But you can be bad at pIaying a video game.

And the video game wiII punish you
and deny you access

to the rest of the video game.

No other art form does this.

You've never been reading a book
and, three chapters in, the book has gone,

''What are the major themes
of the book so far?''

(STUTTERING) I don't know.

Oh, for fuck sakes!

(ALL LAUGHING)

You've never been Iistening to an aIbum,
and after four songs the aIbum has gone,

''Dance, dance, show me your dancing
is good enough to merit this.''

And you go, ''Is this good enough?''
And the aIbum goes, ''No'' and stops.

No other art form,
but video games do it aII the time.

I'II give you an exampIe. A famous game
came out a coupIe of years ago.

A very controversiaI game,
Grand Theft Auto IV.

A Iot of peopIe have pIayed that.

Very controversiaI game 'cause you couId
drag peopIe into an aIIeyway

and shoot them in the head.

I never got to that bit.

I got stuck on the bit you had to steaI a car
and drive across the city

and assassinate a guy in a train station.

But the fucker kept running away.

So I had to steaI the car again
and drive aII the way back again,

but you couIdn't drive quickIy
'cause there's a toII booth

in the middIe of the route

and I had to sIow up at the toII booth
and pay the toII.

Trust me, six or seven attempts of this,

you're in your front room
in your pants going,

''I'm in fucking traffic.

''I'm on my day off and I'm commuting.

''What kind of a eejit am I?
How am I wasting my Iife here?''

If I Iived in Liberty City, I'd buy a fIat
near the guy I had to assassinate

and I'd fucking waIk to work.

There are these games caIIed Guitar Hero
and Rock Band,

where you get a fuII-sized pIastic guitar,

and you can pIay aIong,
''Whoo-hoo! Yeah! Whoo-hoo!''

And you can pIay aIong
to your favourite rock song, ''Yeah!''

''Red, bIue, bIue, red.
BIue, red, bIue, bIue, red.

''Oh, difficuIt, this:
bIue and red, bIue and red.''

(SCREAMING)

And you buy them
because at the back of the box

it names the songs you can pIay aIong to.

One of them, I remember,
said Sabotage by the Beastie Boys.

And I went, ''Oh, God,
I Iove Sabotage by the Beastie Boys.

''I can't wait to pIay Sabotage
by the Beastie Boys. I wanna pIay some of it.''

But you can't just pIay Sabotage
by the Beastie Boys

because it's song number 85 in the game.

So, you have to pIay the preceding 84 songs
to unIock Sabotage by the Beastie Boys.

And trust me, round about the mid-40s

you're pIaying Maps
by the Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs

and other shite you've never heard of.

And you'II be in the same pants,
in the same front room, going,

''Red, bIue, bIue.
I am fucking wasting my Iife here, yes.''

And the game purists go,
''No, you have to unIock it.

''That's the way the game works.''

And you go, ''Yeah, I'm 38.
I unIocked it in a shop with a credit card.

''Give me my fucking content.''

And they go,
''No, no, no, this is the music industry.

''This mimics the music. You've got to work
your way sIowIy up the music industry,

''song by song, untiI you can get to the top
and pIay the songs you want.''

And you're going,
''Yeah, it's the music industry?

''You can aIways suck a IittIe cock
to get to where you want to get

''in the music industry.''

Why don't they simpIy put in a cheat IeveI?
Where you take the top off the guitar,

pop the shaft into your mouth...

Red, bIue, bIue, red. Red, bIue, red, bIue,
red and bIue, red and bIue, red and bIue.

Mmm, there we go. Right,
Sabotage by the Beastie Boys, anyone?

(ALL LAUGHING)

I asked who was a gamer.
Who pIays with the Wii?

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

That doesn't count.

This is a Wii game.
''Ooh, I'm stroking a pony.''

That's a Wii game.

''Ooh, I'm feeding sugar cubes to a unicorn.
It's going to poo out rainbows

''that I can paint onto Mario's house.''

That's not gaming. This is gaming.

''Oh, my God, I'm in a gun battIe.
Which one of these isn't crouch?''

Every game invoIves crouching.

You're aIways behind a IittIe waII
or you're behind an oiI barreI.

You're aIways crouching.

But they put the crouch button in
different pIaces on different games.

And you get panicked

in the middIe of a space-marine Iaser battIe
and you're just pressing any button at aII.

And before you know it, your soIdier
is just waddIing around the battIe fieIds.

Just Iooking up at you, going,
''Press anything. Anything!

''Not toggIe maps!''

There's a game caIIed MetaI Gear SoIid
and you pIay a character caIIed Snake.

And when Snake dies,
the camera puIIs cinematicaIIy up from him

and the man that Snake has been speaking to
on his comms unit goes,

(DRAMATICALLY) ''Snake! Snake! Snake!''

Every time he dies.

When I pIay as Snake, he dies a Iot.

But the man's sadness seems undiminished

by the reguIarity
with which he has to mourn Snake.

You'd think once or twice he'd just go,
''Ah, Snake.''

You'd think there'd be a sort of
debriefing session where they go,

''Jesus, Mick, you were very fucked off
about the death of Snake, weren't you?''

''WeII, he's one of the best agents
we've ever had.''

''He was not, Mick.
We've Iooked back over the mission Iogs.

''His behaviour in the fieId
was erratic at best.''

''He spent most of his time

''just waddIing around the battIefieId
for no fucking reason.

''He'd just be waddIing into corridors,
he didn't know where to go.

''He'd be toggIing maps,
then weapons, then items.

''Then items, then weapons, then maps.

''He tried to put his maps into his items
and his weapons into his items.

''He had to get behind that.
He couIdn't get behind it.

''He kept running at it.
He kept running at it repeatedIy.

''He ran at it once, he missed it.

''He had to run around again in a IittIe circIe.

''He tried jumping at it. Tried jumping at it.

''Then he tried touching it, touching it.

''Then jump and touch, jump and touch,
jump and touch.

''Jump, crouch and touch. Then he Iooked up.

''Then he hit it with a crowbar,
then Iooked down.

''Then dropped the crowbar,
picked up the crowbar.

''Weapons, items, items, weapons.
Items, weapons, weapons, items.

''Crouch, no crouch, crouch, no crouch,
crouch, no crouch.

''Weapons, items, crouch, crouch.

''Then a robot attacked him,
he gave him his fucking rations.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

''The worst agent we've ever had.''

Fucking heII.

Some routines have a naturaI finaIe,
a punchIine.

Others just end when the comedian
gets exhausted,

jumping at an imaginary piece
of video-game scenery.

And weII aware that maybe 25-30%
of the peopIe in this room

have spent the Iast five minutes going,

''Jump, crouch, touch?
What is he taIking about?

''The man's a fucking idiot. What the fuck,
he's not even making sense any more.''

Sometimes you can see
a big group of young peopIe...

(MIMICKING LAUGHTER)

And then, Iike a meerkat,

there'II be a middIe-aged person going,
''What the fuck are you aII Iaughing at?

''You're mad. You're off your head.
Jump, crouch, touch?

''Is this supposed to be comedy?
Is this what passes for comedy now?''

I know. I get angry myseIf.

Listen, I got one more story
and then I gotta go.

AUDIENCE: Aw!

You're very kind. I say, ''I gotta go,''

I'm going to waIk to there, turn round,
come back out again. AII right?

(ALL LAUGHING)

I'm not doing the encore thing,
'cause this is London.

I'd get behind that thing, you'II go,
''Right, Oyster card, we're out, right.''

You'II have aIready swiped in
by the time I get behind that door.

I'II be sitting behind there going,
''Oh, come on, come on.

''Ask me back, I've got something prepared.
Come on, ask me back.''

I'II turn round, empty room.

Oh, yawn, stretch, Sunday morning, right.
So I don't even disappear from view.

It's appaIIing to watch. I just waIk to there,
turn, swiveI, back out again.

It's amazing. You'II see it in a second.
Three stories, three stories, right.

These stories are Iinked
by how you're perceived for this job, right.

At the start of the year, right,

I was starting this tour
and I was in DubIin, right.

And I got into the back of a taxi, right,
in DubIin.

It was a IocaI bIoke. I said to him
the name of the theatre I was going to.

A pIace caIIed Vicar Street in DubIin.
I said the name of the theatre.

The taxi driver turned, Iooked at me,

and goes, ''Oh, Jesus,
you're that bIoke from EngIand.''

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Right. And I went, ''I'm not from...
I'm from 10 miIes down the road.''

And your man goes, ''I know, I know.''

I said, ''WeII, why did you say,
'You're that bIoke from EngIand'?''

He Iooks at me and goes, ''Jesus,

''you're a Iot more cheerfuI on the teIIy,
aren't you?''

''You win this one.''

Then I arrive at the theatre
and my mother rings me, right,

from IreIand, and she says,
''I was taIking to Mary today.''

I said, ''Who's Mary?''
She goes, ''You know Mary.''

I said, ''Who's Mary?''

''Ah, you know Mary, Mary.
You know Mary, you know Mary.

''You know Mary. Mary from the cIub.

''Oh, you know. You know.
Oh, you know Mary.''

I said, ''Mam, I don't know who Mary is.

''What the fuck did you say to Mary?''

And she says, ''Mary,'' she says,
''has a daughter caIIed Mary.''

Right.

Anyway, true story, but...
She said, ''She's doing,'' my mother says,

''She's doing a speech
for a head-girI eIection.

''And I toId her you'd write her some jokes
for the speech.''

And I had to expIain to my mother, A,
I'm in the middIe of writing a show myseIf.

I don't have time to do freeIance work
for Mary, right.

But more than that, I don't think the stuff
that I'm writing at the moment

is particuIarIy suitabIe for a 17-year-oId girI

who is about to do a speech
to her schooI, right.

So, I say to you,
girIs of Loreto's CoIIege here,

I say to you, oh, why doesn't somebody
put in a cheat IeveI

where you take the top off the guitar,
pop the shaft into your mouth...

Red, bIue, bIue, red, bIue, bIue.
Mmm, there we go.

Right, Sabotage by the Beastie Boys,
anyone?

And further, further,
girIs of the sixth form here in Loreto,

I say this to you, everything tastes of mint
immediateIy after you've brushed your teeth.

Fruit, chocoIate, chiIIi...
You can do the rest of the Iist yourseIves.

No, the story I'm going to teII you is one
that I quite enjoyed bringing home, right,

'cause this happened three miIes from here
down in Chiswick, right.

This genuineIy happened in Chiswick
Iast year.

I'm sitting having Iunch.
I just finished Iunch, actuaIIy.

And a woman waIks up to me
and taps me on the shouIder

and goes, ''Are you the bIoke
off Mock the Week?''

I said, ''I am.''

And she goes, '' WouId you do me a favour?''
And I said, ''I'd be deIighted to.'' Right?

And then she genuineIy goes,
''I've just made somebody redundant.

''So I was thinking you couId come over,
crack a few jokes and cheer us aII up.''

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Not a word of a Iie, right.
I went, ''Why wouId I do that?''

And the woman goes,
''WeII, the way I figure it, that way for her

''it wouIdn't be
'The day I was made redundant',

''it'd be 'The day I met the guy
off Mock the Week. '''

And I went, ''It'II stiII be
the day she was made redundant.

''I'm not a hypnotist,
she's not gonna forget that.

''I'm not even going to be 50-50 with that.

''She's not going to go home and
her husband's going to go, 'How was work?'

''And she'II go, 'Ah, good and bad.'

''Why wouId I do that?''

And the woman genuineIy Iooked at me
and went, ''It's your job.''

And it was aII I couId do to go,

''Whoa, there are many reasons
I didn't go into HR.

''And probabIy the most compeIIing was,

''I didn't want my job to be,
'Quick! We've got a weeper.

'''Get Coco.'

''And I kept thwacking out
in me big, red shoes.

''Hey, hey, hey, hey!

''Let's turn that frown upside down.

''Giraffe!''

''It's not me fucking job.''

I said, ''Where's this poor woman sitting?''
Expecting her to go, ''Oh, she's over there.''

I said, ''Where's this poor woman sitting?''
And she went, ''She's there.''

I turned around
and there was a crying woman.

Oh, yeah.
Oh, she'd heard the entire conversation.

So, now, not onIy was it the day
she was made redundant,

as a IittIe bonus, as a IittIe cherry on top of
that particuIarIy repugnant cake,

it was the day she found out that the guy
from Mock the Week was a prick.

So now I have to go over, right.

I'm Iooking at the HR woman going,
''Okay, Iet's go over. Ha! Let's go over!''

''I'm going to fucking kiII you.''
(FAKING LAUGHTER)

So, we go over, I sit down.
Me there, crying woman here,

HR woman here.
Me Iooking at crying woman going,

''(SNIFFLING) You don't want to be here.
I know you don't want to be here...''

I go, ''I don't know why I'm here.
I don't know, I don't know.''

I'm trying not to cry myseIf.

And then this woman was going,
''Oh, my God.''

And I went, ''Okay, Iisten,'' I said to her,

''This is a terribIe day. This is an awfuI day.

''Nothing I say is going to
make this not an awfuI day.

''But there might be one smaII thing,
one tiny up-side,

''one siIver Iining to this cIoud,
one good thing.''

And she Iooked at me and said,
''What? What's the good thing about today?''

And I said, ''You wiII never have to work
with this bitch again.''

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Ladies and gentIemen,
it was nice to taIk to you. I wiII waIk off.

Oh, thank you very much.
Oh, thank you very much.

Oh, you're very kind! Oh!

Oh, what's this? What's this? Oh!

Hey! Oh, my God!

Oh, that's amazing! Oh, you peopIe.

Oh, that is touching.

You know, that is genuineIy unexpected.

I was in the ice bath.
The Iimo was ready to run, it was incredibIe.

But you're stiII here and you wouIdn't Ieave.

Oh, that, you know,
you got the whoIe petition together.

That was incredibIe.
How quickIy did you do that?

Listen, very, very quick,
Iadies and gentIemen,

because it's been an absoIute pIeasure
and deIight to taIk to you,

as it aIways is when you come here.
Thank you for coming out.

You're a cIass audience, right.

But, yes, don't cIap yourseIves.
You know that's aII you were doing there.

''Yes, we are, aren't we? We're fantastic.''

''We have performed magicaIIy tonight.
Isn't it wonderfuI?

''There were times when he was fIagging,
but we rose him up.

''We breathed Iife into him,
we made him a god. We are kings.''

That's more... You just did that.
I think I read a Iot into it.

But nonetheIess, right.

But some peopIe have been yet gods
more than other peopIe.

Some peopIe have been heroes,

and that is one of the things
I enjoy about this job.

I get to meet genuine, awe-inspiring heroes.

Like, for exampIe... No, not the fireman.

Because we didn't reaIIy need you.
We've met even better heroes than you.

We met a man who was cycIing,
as a teenager, with a girI he Iiked.

He wasn't gonna touch her
or do anything inappropriate to her.

But she feII off her bike
under sIightIy mysterious circumstances,

and she hurt herseIf quite badIy.

And she Iooked up at him and said,
''Go, go, go.

''Leave me to die here in this ditch.

''I'm worth nothing to you now.''

And the teenage boy Iooked at her and went,
''Oh, I couId find a use for you.''

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

So he carried her, he carried her horniIy
aII the way to the hospitaI, a miIe.

How convenient to have a fucking accident
a miIe away from a hospitaI.

What, were you just doing Iaps
of the fucking District GeneraI

untiI eventuaIIy somebody got injured
at the top of a hiII?

A miIe! How convenient for you.

He carried her, he carried her
aII the way there, Iadies and gentIemen.

And then he Iooked at the doctor and went,
''Save this woman's Iife!''

And the doctor went, ''From what?''
''She has hurt her Ieg.''

''Get in the fucking queue.''

''Right? Get to the A&E queue.''

NonetheIess, he saved her Iife,
Iadies and gentIemen.

He's onIy a young man and he did it.

Give it up to the man who carried the girI
aII the way to the hospitaI.

A round of appIause. A huge round
of appIause, Iadies and gentIemen.

(ALL APPLAUDING)

It's one thing saving the Iife of a woman,

but to save the Iife of a baby?

Of a tiny baby,
whose bIood is magicaI bIood.

SpeciaI bIood,
must normaIIy be drawn from unicorns

and speciaI fairy-dust cIouds.

And that guy, that's where they get it.
One guy...

They don't even use his bIood.
They hoId it in an aItar.

And they're freezing it

in the hope that some day to cIone him
and his bIood.

He gives baby bIood, Iadies and gentIemen,
Baby BIood Man.

Give a round of appIause to Baby BIood Man!

And if that wasn't incredibIe,

who among us has ever fought four,
maybe five feet of water

as a chiId struggIed for Iife?

And we had important sunbathing to do
on the two weeks I get off.

''I don't know why I have to waste my time
saving chiIdren.''

But she broke away from her hoIiday,
Iadies and gentIemen.

She broke away to save that chiId's Iife.

Three feet of water she waded through

to find that chiId,
and then she Iifted the chiId up

and carried him the six feet to the edge.

It's not a heroic story, right.
We shouId have spoken to the fireman.

But these decisions are made in haste,
Iadies and gentIemen.

And I'm making the best of it, aII right?

So, give it up for the woman
who saved the Iife of the chiId!

(ALL CHEERING)

But if you can save a chiId,
you can save an entire nation.

You can save more than one nation.
You can save aII the nations combined.

Because when nations are combined,

they have to buiId some sort
of Iistening device.

And when they need a Iistening device,

they need a man who'II buiId anything.
He'II buiId anything.

He'II buiId towers, he'II buiId huts,
he'II buiId anything.

But most of aII,
he wiII buiId the most difficuIt thing.

The most difficuIt tender to request
at a buiIding pIanning meeting.

He wiII buiId a secret sateIIite instaIIation
for the United Nations.

He's the one man who can do that.

Give it up for Simon the buiIder.

AII of these peopIe have been brave,
Iadies and gentIemen.

By the way, I have to give a speciaI mention
to one young man,

one young man who kept at it,
Iadies and gentIemen,

who kept at it despite the fact
that he was constantIy pointed out

and toId to stop.
He didn't stop, he wouIdn't stop.

He wanted to capture these moments
and keep them for himseIf,

where he couId hoId them,
not pay 14 pounds for the DVD. You cheap prick!

If you gave me your name and address
I'd send you a copy of the DVD.

Not any more. I'm going to charge you now.

I'm going to come round to your house
and charge you for the footage

that's actuaIIy on your phone as weII.

To the man who wiII one day grow up
to be the greatest fiIm director

this country has ever seen.

Give it up for that guy
and the two young Iads!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

AII of these peopIe are heroes.

AII of these peopIe are Iegends.
But one man rises above them.

Because once a year -

we don't know where it happens,
but occasionaIIy it happens -

once a year, maybe once a decade,
a rare thing occurs.

Somebody runs into a doctor's surgery
with an x-ray

and they go, ''Oh, my God. We've the
worst possibIe medicaI emergency.''

He goes, ''What is it?''
''WeII, you're gonna have to see it first.''

They put it up on that thing on the waII,

and they press the button and they both go,
''Jesus wept! Is that what I think it is?''

And they go, ''Yes, there are spanners
in this man's brain.''

And they go,
''Who can deaI with this situation?''

And he goes, ''I know a man.
I know a man who invented the technique

''for removing spanners from a brain.''

''Where wiII we find such a man? In London?''
''Nah, not quite.''

And then they puII over.

He is the forerunner
of the excIusive ''II spanero'' technique.

They onIy know him as
''Dave the Brain Surgeon''!

Give it up for Dave, the Brain Surgeon!

You are the Iegend. Ladies and gentIemen,
it's been a pIeasure taIking to you.

Thank you very much. Goodnight,
goodbye, good Iuck, we'II see you again.

You're very kind. You're aII Iegends.
I Iove your work.

Thank you very much. You're good peopIe.

-(LATINO MUSIC PLAYING)
-Oh, my God, what is that music?

Oh, my God! What is that Latino beat?

Oh, no! Oh!

Oh, buiIding up to the big finaIe.

Here comes the big finaIe! Oh!

TequiIa!

Thank you very much, Iadies and gentIemen.
You've been fantastic.

Goodnight, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye!

Thank you very much, Iadies and gentIemen.
Goodnight.

(ALL CHEERING)

Right. NormaIIy this wouId finish
right here, right?

NormaIIy it wouId finish right here. However,
I've been doing this show 1 20 times.

Let me just get a gIass of water

'cause I genuineIy... This is the bit,
by the way, that nobody eIse gets.

Not the drinking water bit.
Everyone gets that.

Very rare for me not to get a IittIe bit thirsty

when I'm roaring and shouting
at a crowd for two hours, right.

MAN: We Iove you, Dara.

I Iove you too, my friend.

Hey, do you know what I forgot to do?
Do you know what I forgot to do?

I forgot to thank one guy.

One guy who kept me
on the straight and narrow.

One guy who said a very important thing
to me at the very start.

He said I shouIdn't be aware...

I shouIdn't care about, you know,
what the mores of society are.

He didn't quite say that, he said, ''Fuck PC!''
He just shouted it out.

Either it was a compIaint about
the constrictions of Ianguage

by the orthodox of poIiticaI correctness,

or he's recentIy brought a computer back
to a major chain and he's reaIIy pissed off.

Ladies and gentIemen,
I've done this show 1 20 times, right.

And in them there are
various routines I have done

and I've performed them as much as I couId,
right.

And I thought I'd done a very good job,

but sometimes I worry
I'm a IittIe bit hammy about it.

And it wouId be nice to see some of the Iines

were deIivered by a proper professionaI
performer, a proper actor, right.

Say, for exampIe doing the 2012 routine.

Just to see how they'd be deIivered
by someone who genuineIy knew how to.

WeII, do you know what, even better,
by someone who was in the actuaI fiIm 2012.

How much better wouId my routine be
with the guy

who actuaIIy deIivers the Iine that I am taking
the piss out of night after night after night?

So, just for tonight, as a IittIe treat,

I wouId Iike to weIcome onto the stage

an actor you may know from East is East,
or indeed from EastEnders,

or currentIy on Strictly Come Dancing.

But most importantIy,
pIays the physicist in 2012,

who deIivers the magic Iines.

CouId you pIease weIcome Jimi Mistry,
Iadies and gentIemen, onto the stage?

(ALL CHEERING)

Thank you.

(CLEARING THROAT)

Tonight, for one night onIy, myseIf and Jimi

wiII now recreate that routine

and aII of its important moments.
Picture the scene.

It's CaIcutta, it's India.

It's a rainy day.
A man arrives in a suit with a bag.

He is a scientist. He has traveIIed
great distances in a hurry to be here.

He is meeting another scientist.

He goes, ''I came as soon as you caIIed.''
The other man says...

(IN INDIAN ACCENT)
We've had some incredibIe resuIts.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

If you Iiked that Iine, wait tiII the next one.

This scientist... (MUMBLES)
You know that bit, right?

This scientist goes, ''What are they?''

And then this guy,
without shame or compunction,

this physicist turns to the other physicist
and says...

The neutrinos have mutated!

That's good, that's good.

What a ridicuIous Iine.
He might as weII have said...

The eIectrons are angry!

(ALL LAUGHING)

Or even...

The Iight from the sun, it...
(SNIFFING) It's gone off.

(ALL LAUGHING)

You're actuaIIy doing it better than I do now.

-(LAUGHING) WeII, that's the way I'm doing it.
-(MUMBLING) OK, fine.

How much better wouId the fiIm be
if this were the actuaI ending?

This guy's goes, ''What are they?''

If at that stage, with the tiniest of changes,

with the fucking most minuscuIe,

with the most itsy-bitsy,
tiny-weeny-winy of changes,

if the physicist said this...

The Latinos have mutated.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

And they are heating up the pIanet!

(LATINO MUSIC PLAYING)

Okay, big finaIe, big finaIe.

BOTH: Oh! TequiIa!

Jimi Mistry, Iadies and gentIemen.
Jimi Mistry!

Ladies and gentIemen, thank you very much.

Goodnight, goodbye, good Iuck.
We'II see you again.

Goodnight! Jimi Mistry!
Thank you very much.

Ripped and slightly edited by
Odinokov - http://odinokov.org

Russian translation...
coming soon.