Danny and the Human Zoo (2015) - full transcript

# My boy Lollipop

# You make my heart go giddy-up

# You are as sweet as candy

# You're my sugar dandy

# Whoa oh, my boy Lollipop

# Never ever leave me

# Because it would grieve me

# My heart told me so

# I love you, I love you,
I love you so

# But I don't want you to know

I need you, I need you,
I need you so



# And I'll never let you go
I need you so

# And I'll never let you go

# And I'll never let you go
Doo, doo, doo, do

# My boy Lollipop
Doo, doo, doo, do

# You make my heart go giddy-up
Doo, doo, doo, do

# You set the world on fire
Doo, doo, doo, do

# You are my one desire
Doo, doo, doo, do

# Whoa, my Lollipop... #
Doo, doo, doo, do

# Whoa, my Lollipop... #

(SHOUTING)

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Get off, Bailey,
I ain't done nothin' to you.

You ain't' done nothin'?!
You ain't done nothin'?

You ain't' done nothin'?!
Then what's this then, nig nog?



Then what's this then, nig nog?

(GRUNTS)

Fight! Fight! Fight!
Do you think you're funny?

Do you think
you're some kinda comedian?

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Well, you ain't.

Skinner! Skinner! Skinner! Skinner!

(AS MUHAMMAD ALI) That felt good.
I'ma do it again.

I can't be beat.

I am the greatest.

I'm so pretty, I'm so fast,
I'm a whoop yo' ass.

(AS HENRY COOPER) Oh, he's
a good boy, Harry, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Left hook, right hook.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

(CHUCKLES)

(AS TOMMY COOPER) Ladies and
gentlemen, I give you, Danny Fearon.

(AS TOMMY COOPER) Ladies and
The human punching bag.

The human punching bag.

He's allergic to violence,
ladies and gentlemen.

He breaks out in cuts and bruises.

(CHUCKLES)

Thank you very much.

(AS GROUCHO MARX) I said to the doc,

"I broke my arm in six places.
What should I do?"

Doc said,
"Stop going to those places."

Doc said,
(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHTER)

STUDENT: Whoever you are in there,

you all should be on the telly
STUDENT: Whoever you are in there,

you all should be on the telly
or summat.

you all should be on the telly
STUDENT 2: He's right.

STUDENT 2: He's right.

Mate, you could make a fortune
doin' that stuff.

Mate, you could make a fortune
He ain't lyin', that's for sure.

He ain't lyin', that's for sure.

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

You alright now.

Alright, Miss Myrtle?
If God see fit, Mr Harris.

Alright, Miss Myrtle?
Your hair look good. Wig?

Your hair look good. Wig?

Are we done yet?

What you say?

Rest yourself, me have things to do.

Lord God, Miss Clarice,
look pon your hat.

One good gust a wind and you soon
reach back a Jamaica.

You like it?
Mm-hm.

(GROANS) Bloody hell, man.

What you say?
Nothin'.

Ooh. An' if you damage or drop even
one piece of fruit or sweet potato

Ooh. An' if you damage or drop even
I will shove dem up your nose hole.

I will shove dem up your nose hole.

You hear me?

Pick up the things now.

Miss Myrtle,
we miss you at church, you know?

You remember my daughter, Cherry?
Alright, Cherry?

You remember my daughter, Cherry?
Them nuh have comb where you live?

Them nuh have comb where you live?

(SNIGGERS)

The times I tell that girl to drag
comb through that head of hair.

The times I tell that girl to drag
Come like they deaf or something.

Come like they deaf or something.

Alright, Danny?
Come like they deaf or something.

Alright, Danny?
Yeah, you?

Your mum's funny.
I saw you up town just now.

Does she know every black person
in Dudley? (CHUCKLES)

Gettin' a summer job?

Dunno, maybe.

Might do waitressin'.

Mum says I'd have to wear a big hat
or a wig

Mum says I'd have to wear a big hat
so as not to frighten the customers.

so as not to frighten the customers.

I like me hair, though. It's me.

Daniel.

Me foot dem mash up.
Come mek we go in the house.

Miss Patterson a talk to me about,

"We miss you at church, Miss Myrtle
you know?

"Me hope say you not backslidin'
into the arms of you know who?"

Imagine a talk to me like that
inna street.

Meanwhile, me hypnotise
by Cherry head.

It tangle, it tangle, it tangle,
it tangle

till her head resemble bush.
(ALL LAUGH)

Pure elephant and lion
a run round in there.

Brother Murphy operation,
leave him a walk sideways

like crab.

I saw him a go up town today.

(ALL LAUGH)

Ladies, gentlemen and children,
welcome to The Generation Game.

Ladies, gentlemen and children,
Nice to see you. To see you...

Nice to see you. To see you...

AUDIENCE: Nice!

I've been very worried
about the coal shed door.

I've been very worried
(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHTER)

# See them flyin' on a 10-mile heat

# Doo-dah, doo-dah

# Round the racetrack, then repeat

Oh, doo-dah day

# I win my money... #

(SILENCE)

TEACHER: 1,000 to the base of 10

is 3.

So that's 10 to the power of 3

is 1,000.

Finally... (VOICE SLOWS)

(THUMPS)
Finally... (VOICE SLOWS)

(THUMPS)
(SQUEAKS)

(THUMPS)
..by 10 by 10 is 1,000.

..by 10 by 10 is 1,000.

Brought over, what we've got...

(THUMPS)

..then there is 2...

(WHOOSH!

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

What now?
Listen, lads.

If we're going drinking and round
all the clubs and that

we'm gonna need spondulicks.
Cash-ola. Readies.

we'm gonna need spondulicks.
Where'm I gonna get spondulicks from?

Where'm I gonna get spondulicks from?

Yow've never got any money.

Don't your parents ever give you
Yow've never got any money.

Don't your parents ever give you
any pocket money?

Don't your parents ever give you
Jamaicans ain't got parents.

Jamaicans ain't got parents.

It's more like two drill sergeants
lampin' you round the house.

Me dad's got me a 'prenticeship
at the factory, but the money's shit

and I have to give most of it
to me mum.

She says, "What you want
wid money anyway?

"You'd only spend it on foolishness."

So that means I gotta get two jobs.

They'm hiring up the zoo.

You what?

Nah, go on.

(TARZAN YELL)

No, stop!

(IMITATES SEAL BARK)

This is the Queen Mary Ballroom

where you'll be working
This is the Queen Mary Ballroom

where you'll be working
your bollocks off all summer.

The pay is crap, but you do get
a discount on the discos and drinks.

It's Magnificent Jonesy
on Sunday nights.

It's Magnificent Jonesy
Northern Soul and that on Mondays.

Northern Soul and that on Mondays.

Northern bastard soul.
Gosh, that's Motown for poor people.

Discount doesn't mean free.

Don't forget that.

You still have to pay somethin'
to get in and get your drinks.

You still have to pay somethin'
Alright? We ain't a charity.

Alright? We ain't a charity.

Unless ya know someone on the door
Alright? We ain't a charity.

Unless ya know someone on the door
or behind the bar.

Unless ya know someone on the door
I just pour me own, saves time.

I just pour me own, saves time.

This is Bridget,
a senior staff member.

When she says, "Jump",
you say, "How high?"

When she says, "Jump",
And don't even think about it.

And don't even think about it.

The drawbridge on Bridget's knickers
And don't even think about it.

The drawbridge on Bridget's knickers
is well and truly up, my friends.

The drawbridge on Bridget's knickers
The Carter twins. Jaysus.

The Carter twins. Jaysus.

Two of you ugly bastards
for the price of one.

Be still my beatin' heart.

C'mon.

(FLOURISHING MUSIC)

Well, look at you all shy.

Better hurry up, you're gonna be
left behind by Frodo and Dildo.

(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC)

(ALL LAUGH)

(FUNKY MUSIC)

# Ain't no stopping me now

# Like a bird, I'm flying free

# Ain't no ball and chain
can keep a hold on me

# Ain't no ball and chain
# Ain't no stopping me now

# Ain't no stopping me now

# Like a bird, I'm flying free

# Find someone who really wants
to get to me

# Went into my life, thought,
"Well, that's for sure"

# Now things are bad,
you ain't got to hear no more

# Well, you stopped a knocking
at my door... #

# Well, you stopped a knocking
(MUSIC STOPS)

(MUSIC STOPS)

Bridget there, boys and girls.

Proving to us all that
whatever God is, male or female,

Proving to us all that
he's got a knob.

he's got a knob.

(MEN CHEER)

(FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS)

You alright, Bridget?

Can I get three lagers
and one lager with lime.

Can I get three lagers
Lime? Is one of youse a poof?

Lime? Is one of youse a poof?

You what?

Surely shirt-lifters put lime
in their beer.

What's a shirt-lifter?

(CHUKCLES)
What's a shirt-lifter?

(CHUKCLES)
Oh, Danny you're very sweet.

Here's hoping you don't do any time
at Winson Green Prison.

Here's hoping you don't do any time
You'll find out soon enough.

You'll find out soon enough.

That be 80p.

WOMAN: She meant homosexual.

You what?
Shirt-lifter. Poof.

They're horrible expressions for men
who do it with each other.

Men doin' it with each other?

Not all men fancy women, Daniel.

Some men are different.

And whoever's different,
Some men are different.

And whoever's different,
you can bet somebody somewhere

And whoever's different,
has made up a nasty word for dem.

has made up a nasty word for dem.

It's like what they call us.

Nig nog, coon, darkie.

They're just words they've made up
'cause we're different.

They're just words they've made up
Different's good.

Different's good.

Oi, Larrington.

You can't sit down at the table
an' eat?

You can't sit down at the table
You wan' mama to buy you a trough?

You wan' mama to buy you a trough?

Pearl must have been out of her mind
when she marry you.

Pearl must have been out of her mind
(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES)

Wha' you say?
Nothin'.

I didn't say nothin'.
Good!

Come I box every las' one a your
teeth down your nasty little gullet.

Larrington, leave him alone.
What you say to me?

Wha' me did tell you, Pearl?

Hmm? Seem like you feel say
Wha' me did tell you, Pearl?

Hmm? Seem like you feel say
you can jus' backchat me.

Like me an' you is friend?
Just relax youself, Larrington.

We all know say you is a big man.
Jus' calm yourself.

We all know say you is a big man.
Wha' you say, Kojak?

Wha' you say, Kojak?

You think ca'you work
Dudley police station,

me can't tump you down
one and two time?

Come now?

None of you have nutten' to do?

Come out a the kitchen.

Hmm. Lucky.

Oh, good.

You stay behind to wash the plate
then?

I bloody hate him.

Classic.
I'da kicked him in the bollocks.

Nobody likes a kick in the bollocks,
do they?

Nobody likes a kick in the bollocks,
He's Jamaican.

He's Jamaican.

If I kicked him in the bollocks
I'd just hear clang.

And then he'd kill me.
Never mind that pillock.

You all gotta practice for
the talent thing at the Queen Mary.

(SCOFFS) I ain't sure.

You're jokin', are ya?
Mate, you'll walk it.

Frank Spencer. Classic.

Tommy Cooper. Classic.

Wobbly Elvis. It's classic.

Come on, Dan.
We'll tell you if it's shit.

Come on, Dan.
Over and over again.

Over and over again.

Well, I'll say it's shit
Over and over again.

Well, I'll say it's shit
even if it ain't, though.

Well, I'll say it's shit
Just to be a bit of a twat.

Just to be a bit of a twat.

Don't do yourself down, chap,
you ain't just a bit of a twat,

you'm all twat.
Piss off.

you'm all twat.
Do us a show. Come on.

Do us a show. Come on.

(AS ELVIS) Uh-huh-huh.
Oh, here we go.

I went to a psychiatrist,

a head shrinker.

I went in there and said,

"Doc, my brother, he thinks
he's a houn'dog, what can I do?"

Shrink says, "Bring him in".
Uh-huh-huh.

Put him on the couch. I said,
"Wait a cotton pickin' minute,

Put him on the couch. I said,
"he ain't allowed on the couch."

"he ain't allowed on the couch."

It's the way I tell...

Oh. What we got here then?

Is he dancin' for you lads?

Must be nice
to have your own dancin' coon.

Must be nice
Will he dance for me?

Will he dance for me?

Come on, coon, dance for me.

We was gonna go Paki bashin' tonight

but this twat just queue-jumped,
didn't ya?

but this twat just queue-jumped,
Cowin' Danny Fearon.

Cowin' Danny Fearon.

(SNIFFS) I bet you piss the bed.
You stink.

All you lot stink like cack.

I ain't got a problem with you.

But I got a big problem with you
though, y'black bastard.

Get up, Daniel.

Oooooh, assault AND battery?

With your record? Bad idea, Bailey.

Havin' a go at her little brother.

Two streets away
from the police station?

Two streets away
Bad idea, Bailey.

Bad idea, Bailey.

And just at the same time

as when me and Ellis here
are havin' our evenin' stroll,

hopin' to bump into
some racist dickhead

picking on people
weaker than themselves.

I ay weak...
I weren't doin' nothin' wrong.

Weren't ya?

If I ever come two hundred feet
to my little brother again,

I'm gonna shove this
right up your nose hole!

Understand?

(ALL JEER)

Thank you, boys.

I think me and Ellis here would like
fish, chips, mushy peas

and two cans of Fanta.

Thank you.

I have to put up with that shit
day in day out at work. Every day.

You gotta stand up to 'em, Dan,
or they'll walk all over you.

You gotta stand up to 'em, Dan,
Someone has a go at you,

Someone has a go at you,

you walk up to 'em
and have a go right back

and if they hit you with a fist,
you hit them with a brick.

Obviously, you wear gloves
and a ski mask

so they can't name you
in a court of law.

Look, I remember what Mum
used to say when we was kids,

"You have a h'integrate
wid the Dudley people."

But she didn't mean
we just had to lie down

and let people jump all over us.

You gotta stand up for yourself,
Dan.

Git up.

Can't be late first day at work,
you know.

Can't be late first day at work,
Them will sack you.

Them will sack you.

And don't let my backside
come back up here.

(GROANS)

You wretch.

Come, mek we go.

Not too bad.
Could be a bit smoother.

(SCOFFS)

Ah, so it a go from now on.

An when you have your wife,
Ah, so it a go from now on.

An when you have your wife,
a so the same thing a going.

Bastard!

I ain't havin' this!

Feckin' bastard.

(SHOUTS)

Can't I just take you out once?

Just so you can see what it's like?

I've got a pretty good idea
of what it's like, Danny Fearon.

I've got a pretty good idea
It's just like all the other ones,

It's just like all the other ones,

'ceptin' yours is brown,
It's just like all the other ones,

'ceptin' yours is brown,
an' not as big.

Ah, Danny, I can't be goin' out
with a black fecker like you.

Ah, Danny, I can't be goin' out
Me dad'd have me guts fer garters

Me dad'd have me guts fer garters

and me mother would stick her head
in the gas oven.

Don't you know any girls
that look like you?

Alright, Danny?
No.

Alright, lads and lasses!
(ALL CHEER)

It's time for...

..the Queen Mary talent search.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

You come up here,
show us what you can do.

The first prize is a £50 discount
at my own personal record shop.

The first prize is a £50 discount
Magnificent Records.

Magnificent Records.

Brierley Hill High Street,
Magnificent Records.

Brierley Hill High Street,
just by the traffic lights. And...

..a large bottle of whiskey.
What do you say to that?!

(CHEERING)

So, who wants to give it a go first?

We've got Tracie, Julie and Sue

and the girls are gonna slaughter
We've got Tracie, Julie and Sue

and the girls are gonna slaughter
Baby Love by The Supremes.

(RETCHES)

I'm gonna be sick.
(BOOING AND JEERING)

This is really funny right,
so, um...

So the barman says
to the white horse, he says,

"Ooh, we've got a whiskey named
after you"

a-a-and the white horse says,
"What d'you mean, Brian?"

a-a-and the white horse says,
(SILENCE)

(SILENCE)

(BOOING)
Oh, bollocks.

(BOOING)
That it... That... He says,

That it... That... He says,

"What do you mean? Brian?"

(BOOING AND JEERING)

I ain't goin' up there.

The crowd's too...too aggressive.

Alright, calm down. Calm down.

Give him a round of applause.
Come on, Danny, you can do it.

Nah, lads, I ain't going up there.

I'm just gonna stick
Nah, lads, I ain't going up there.

I'm just gonna stick
to what I've been doing.

I can't stand much more of this.

It's like being circumcised
I can't stand much more of this.

It's like being circumcised
with a pair of rusty pilers.

Queen Mary! There's gotta be
a star here somewhere?

I need one last victim -
I mean, contestant.

You go up there and you be classic.
Danny, smash it, mate.

You go up there and you be classic.
Anyone?

Anyone?

Get up there
and mek 'em have it, chap.

Get up there
You gotta get up there, Dan.

You gotta get up there, Dan.

We want the whiskey. Go on, chap.

There you go. Best of luck.

(AS ELVIS) Uh-huh-huh.

You know, it's great bein'
the king of rock'n'roll.

But sometimes, when you wanna
have a drink, it's a problem...

Bartender, can I get another one
of these please?

Bartender, can I get another one
(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)

(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

(AS FRANK SPENCER) Mmm.

I'm all wet now.
(LAUGHTER)

I'm all wet now.
Soakin'.

Soakin'.

Betty won't be pleased.

Me and Betty have been a couple
since we was six years old.

I said to my mum, "I'm gonna marry
Betty from next door."

She said, "What about if babies come?
What then?"

She said, "What about if babies come?
I said, "Well, we talked about it

I said, "Well, we talked about it

"and if she lays any eggs..."
(LAUGHTER)

"Them I'll just stamp on 'em."

(AS TOMMY COOPER)
Ladies and gentlemen,

(AS TOMMY COOPER)
I'm gonna do a trick now.

I'm gonna do a trick now.

See that?

It's exactly the same
on the other side.

It's exactly the same
(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHTER)

I was driving the wrong way down
a one-way street the other day

I was driving the wrong way down
and a policeman stopped me.

and a policeman stopped me.

He said, "Do you know
this is a one-way street?"

I said, "Well, I was only going
the one way."

I said, "Well, I was only going
(LOUD LAUGHTER, UPBEAT MUSIC)

(LOUD LAUGHTER, UPBEAT MUSIC)

(AS MUHAMMAD ALI) I am the greatest,
I'm the fastest,

I'm the wittiest
and I'm the prettiest.

I'm the wittiest
Joe Frazier's so ugly,

Joe Frazier's so ugly,

when he was a baby the only way they
could get the dog to play with him

was if they hung a pork chop
round his neck.

(AS BRUCE FORSYTH) Nice to see you.

To see you...

ALL: Nice!

Winner!
(CHEERING)

That was superb, chap, superb.

Now, thing is what you're gonna need
That was superb, chap, superb.

Now, thing is what you're gonna need
is guidance.

I think I know
how to make you a star.

Come round the shop,
we'll talk about it.

Come round the shop,
I'll give you 25% discount.

I'll give you 25% discount.

Bring your mates.

Drink to that. Come on.

To Danny. To Danny.

(ALL CHEER)

Does anybody else want lemonade?

Yeah.
Does anybody else want lemonade?

Yeah.
I'll have one.

Need you for a second
in the stockroom.

Hang on, I ain't working tonight.
Why do you need me to...

Yeah.

I'll...

Danny, that was feckin' brilliant.

(ZIPPER OPENS)

Guess this means I'm in showbiz.

(JAUNTY TV THEME)
PEARL: Why we can't talk about it?

(JAUNTY TV THEME)
LARRINGTON: Nothing to talk about.

LARRINGTON: Nothing to talk about.

We can't afford to move out
LARRINGTON: Nothing to talk about.

We can't afford to move out
so is here we have to stay.

And here's you go out
in your brand-new jacket.

Just goin' out for a drink.
They don't mek that illegal yet.

I just think it's...
Shut your mouth!

Nothin' you have say
can't wait till mornin'.

My brand-new jacket.

You little blood clat, you.

Come outta me way!

You don't even belong
in this your family...

You don't even belong
You know how much this jacket cost?

You know how much this jacket cost?

Pearl, I beg you pack up your family
and leave this house.

And take this wort'less piece
a filt' wid yu.

But Mama...
Wha' me tell you to do?

But Mama...
Take out knife in my house?

Take out knife in my house?

Threaten my family? My son?

I swear to God, Larrington,

you leave this house now
or them will have a prison me.

You understand me?

Me say if you understand?

Yes! Jesus Christ, yes.
Me say if you understand?

Yes! Jesus Christ, yes.
Oh.

Where Larrington and them goin'?

Them a go find some place to live.
Where Larrington and them goin'?

Them a go find some place to live.
Daniel gettin' for them room.

We gone.

(LIGHT BLUES MUSIC PLAYS)

You don't even belong
in this your family.

Mrs F...
Call me Myrtle.

Mrs F...
Myrtle. Lovely name.

Myrtle. Lovely name.

As I was sayin', Myrtle, I...

You're an evergreen shrub,
if I'm not mistaken?

Look, if Dan does well
in the New Faces auditions,

Look, if Dan does well
he'll win the heats

he'll win the heats

and then gets the chance to compete
to the Palladium for ten grand

and a season in Vegas.

(CHUCKLES) You'll be able
to do up the house,

(CHUCKLES) You'll be able
get a phone.

get a phone.

Get a new telly,
maybe two tellys.

All you gotta do,
the pair of you, is...

..sign this contract
and that'll make me Danny's manager.

(SIGHS)

This is a lot to take in, Mr Jones.

33.3%!

Are you serious?

Dee Dee, come out.
Are you serious?

Dee Dee, come out.
Me can't even think.

The boy not even 16
and you want him go on television?

Him can't even tidy him bedroom.

Mum, I want this more
than anything in the whole world.

If I win, I promise I'll help you.
I can help with...with money.

Whatever you need.
Just let me do this.

I know I can do this, Mum. Please?

Written in felt tip pen.

All official and everything.

You can leave by the door
or the window, make your choice.

You can leave by the door
Samson, you drunk?

Samson, you drunk?

You wan' the boy
Samson, you drunk?

You wan' the boy
sign 'em life away for a TV?

So him can compete for
some stupid trophy?

Mek this little idiot
take him contract

and shove it up him batty hole.

Mum, mek him stop.
Listen, er...

I've-I've got a gig starting
in a couple of hours.

Club Lafayette, just down the road.
I'd better be...

You stay right where you are,
Mr Jones.

You stay right where you are,
This man not in him right mind.

This man not in him right mind.

Me in me mind right enough
This man not in him right mind.

Me in me mind right enough
to tell you

that if this boy sign that dirty
something, it won't make him happy.

that if this boy sign that dirty
How would you know, Dad?!

How would you know, Dad?!

What do you know about happiness?
You've never been happy in your life.

You never laugh. You never joke.

You've never told me a story.

You never touch Mum.

I don't even know how I got here.

(GASPS)
Is... What...

Watch this foolishness now.

How many shows you doin' here?

Jonesy says I gotta do
loads of gigs like this

to toughen me up for the telly.

How long's he signed you for?

Says ten years on the contract.

That sounds about right, doesn't it?

You got your solicitor to have
That sounds about right, doesn't it?

You got your solicitor to have
a look, though, didn't ya?

You got your solicitor to have
Huh?

Huh?

(LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYS)

Bloody hell.

There's nobody in here
that looks like you, Dan.

(MUSIC STOPS)

(MUSIC STARTS AGAIN)

Chap, I'm white
and even I'm scared for ya.

Chap, I'm white
Maybe you...

Maybe you...

Maybe you should have a couple
of drinks before you go on.

Maybe you should have a couple
Nah, I'm alright.

Nah, I'm alright.

(DOOR OPENS)

MAN: What time's the coon comin' on?

MAN 2: Dunno.
He better be good, though.

Have his bollocks on stick
otherwise.

Have his bollocks on stick
Yeah. (CHUCKLES)

Yeah. (CHUCKLES)

(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

Whoo-hoo. What were that, hey?

Jesus Christ. Sounded like
she were gargling with cement.

(LAUGHTER)

Alright, here we go, we've got a
young coloured fella comin' on next.

Now, I don't think it's fair
to laugh at the afflicted,

you might disagree.

He's scheduled to audition
for a TV talent show.

Ooh.

Oh, yes.

He wants to try out
some of his jokes, says his manager.

Now, I've had word he's as funny
as woodworm in a cripple's crutch.

Now, I've had word he's as funny
(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHTER)

If you're wondering why
(LAUGHTER)

If you're wondering why
the palms of his hands

If you're wondering why
are lighter than the rest of him,

are lighter than the rest of him,

it's 'cause how they stack 'em
when they get sprayed.

(LAUGHTER)

Come on, give him a chance.
He's not from round here.

Come on, give him a chance.
Here he is. Come on.

Here he is. Come on.

Danny Fearon.

(SILENCE)

There you go, son. All yours.

(FEEDBACK SQUEALS)

(AS FRANK SPENCER) Mmm.

He wasn't very nice, was he, Betty?

(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)

In fact, I'd go so far as to say

he was a bit of a dickhead.

(LAUGHTER)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS)

(HUMS)

Mum?

(SWITCHES MUSIC OFF)

My first show.

This?

This was for one show?

Yeah.

Ho-haaaa!
Lord, Jesus Christ, Daniel!

Ho-haaaa!
You are blessed!

You are blessed!

After the Lord don't reach down
You are blessed!

After the Lord don't reach down
an' bless you himself?

(SWITCHES MUSIC ON)

She's nice.

Oi! Bugger-lugs.

Keep your mind on this audition.

If you get this right,

you can have your own TV show.

Your missus'll be farting through
silk for the rest of her days.

I ain't gonna let you cock it up

'cause you were starring
at some bird's arse. Clear?

'cause you were starring
Yeah.

Yeah.

"She's nice," my ball sack.

You have got good taste, though,
I'll give ya that much.

I'd give her one meself.

(CARNIVAL MUSIC)

MAN: How are you?

Good evening.

This is my dog.

Thank you. Next.

(SMOOTH MUSIC)

Next.

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

Next!

Oh, my word!
You're doing that thing again

where you shove your hand in my...
Angus!

Alright, what do you call
a dinosaur with no eyes?

Next.
(DOG BARKS)

Next.
Next!

Next!

And go...
Next.

The judges hate everybody.

Let's just go home, chap, please?
Hey, listen!

They're just sortin' the wheat
from the chaff.

Remember that.
But don't know what I'm doing.

I can't do this. I've forgot it all.

I'm not funny. I've never been funny.

My brain's seized up.
My tongue dun't work.

Nah, I'm going home.

Never you mind, chap. Huh?

Never you mind.

If this doesn't work out,

you've always got the factory
to go back to.

MAN: Danny?

Danny Fearon?

You're on next.

Next!

Next!
He's getting crabby.

Next!
It's been a very long week.

It's been a very long week.

Well, come on then.

I'd like to be home before midnight.
Well, come on then.

I'd like to be home before midnight.
Next!

(CHUCKLES)

(AS TOMMY COOPER)
(CHUCKLES)

(AS TOMMY COOPER)
Thank you very much.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,

you may have seen
Now, ladies and gentlemen,

you may have seen
some of these impressions before,

you may have seen
but not in colour.

but not in colour.

(ALL LAUGH)

I'm glad you thought that was funny,

my mum thinks
I'm in double geography.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

(LAUGHTER)

Thank you very much.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

If he can do that on live TV,
the world's his oyster.

If he can do that on live TV,
What?

What?

I said if he can do that on live TV,
the world's his oyster!

What?

Yeah?

Ha-ha! Didn't he do well, hey?

Thank you.

Oh, lovely. Lovely. Ta.

(CHEERS)

Nice shot for the 'Express & Star'.

Come on, everyone.

Danny, you stand more in the middle.

Everyone laughing.

Danny's hilarious and...

Wh'appen, Danny?

You kill me wid joke
pon the TV, man.

You famous now.

All the best.
You famous now.

All the best.
Thanks.

Danny, I saw you at the Queen Mary.

Can I get your autograph?
Yeah.

Well, well, well.

You look different from
the photo in the paper.

Better lookin'.

Is this your mother?
Yeah, yeah.

Is this your mother?
You need to buy him some vaseline.

You need to buy him some vaseline.

Look at this boy.

Him never cream him skin
from the day him born.

If you the boy mother,
you should be ashamed.

Excuse me, madam,
what you name and address?

Valda Graham. Why you wan' for
know me name and address?

Because I goin' pin them
pon your coat

for when them find your corpse
in the street.

Mum? Mum? Mum?

She's just seen me
on the telly, that's all.

She nah gon see nuttin' if me
jook out her eye with me umbrella.

Come on, Mum.
Oh.

You tink say me a joke?

Why you never cream
You tink say me a joke?

Why you never cream
your skin this mornin'?

Me have three gallon of vaseline
in the bathroom.

You can't pass through
an' teef some?

Chuh, man, you make me sick.

MAN: Well done, Danny.

This music sucks snot
from a zombie's arse.

Good beer, though, innit?
Classic beer, chap.

Ooh. Sometimes you gotta endure pain
to get to the true pleasure.

Speaks a bloke who's never had to
dance the hokey-cokey in stilettos.

Speaks a bloke who's never had to
(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES)

Well, I'm off to the ladies.

And there'd better be a pint
of mild and bitter

on the bar for me when I get back.

She's all over you like a rash
since you been on the telly.

She wouldn't gob on you
if you was on fire before.

Danny, you was brilliant
on the telly.

Danny, you was brilliant
Will you sign 'ere?

Will you sign 'ere?

I'm gonna get it tattooed.

It's gonna be bostin.

(WOMAN LAUGH)

Feckin' bitch!
Ugh!

Feckin' bitch!
Ahh! Oh!

Ahh! Oh!

You get off my fella! Come 'ere you!
Ahh!

Bridget, get off her!
Ahh!

Bridget, leave her alone! Bridget!

It's classic.
Bridget!

You little...
Bridget, just stop!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

(BOTH WOMEN SCREAM)

Get off her! Ugh!

This one's mine!
Bridget!

Ahh!
Oh!

Ahh!
Get off me! Get off me!

Get off me! Get off me!

You leave him alone!
He's bloody mine!

You keep your tits to yourself!

You alright?

Sorry. I just saw all over you
You alright?

Sorry. I just saw all over you
and everything went red in me head.

Just...just go and get yourself
sorted out.

Just...just go and get yourself
I'll wait here.

I'll wait here.

Hi, Danny. Everything alright?

Oh, sorry, Cherry.
I can't talk right now?

I got something going on.

Barman just got a phone call
from Joe Frazier's manager.

Said he's lookin' for
a vicious new sparring partner

Said he's lookin' for
and was your girlfriend available?

and was your girlfriend available?

(LAUGHS) 100 quid a week
and all the raw meat she can eat.

(LAUGHS) 100 quid a week
(BOTH LAUGH)

(BOTH LAUGH)

You should be on the telly,
(BOTH LAUGH)

You should be on the telly,
you're pretty funny.

Nah, gonna go to uni instead.

Do my exams and get the hell
outta Dudley.

Dudley's great.
Nothin' wrong with Dudley.

Dudley's great.
There is if you look like me or you.

There is if you look like me or you.

You're on the telly.
Things have changed for you.

But if I don't wanna end up
in a factory,

I've gotta go to university
and be twice as good

I've gotta go to university
before I'm accepted as an equal.

before I'm accepted as an equal.

That's what I gotta do.

I've been saying that
since I was three.

I've been saying that
Mission impossible.

Mission impossible.

Not if you've got half a brain
and a bit of talent.

I've got a bit of talent.

So they say, any road.

Well, we should team up, then.
We could...

We could' what?
Nothing.

We could' what?
(CLEARS THROAT)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Danny, you should introduce me
to your new friend.

Danny, you should introduce me
He's no manners at all. Well?

He's no manners at all. Well?

Bridget, this is...

Don't care. Shall we go?

Thanks.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Jesus. Did you buy
the whole of Woolworths?

Oh, here he is,
here he is, here he is.

Dan the comedy man.
Three-time winner.

All the way through
to the final on 'New Faces'.

Well done, well done, well done.

I only won two heats, actually.

I came second by that skinny
Liverpudlian by one point.

(LIVERPUDLIAN ACCENT)
You alright there, lar?

I'm so skinny, like, I gotta run
around in the shower to get wet.

I'm so skinny, like, I gotta run
Do you know what I mean?

Do you know what I mean?

Oh. Oh, thank you.

Shall we sit down?
Let's sit, let's sit, let's sit.

Do you eat chicken at all?

I eat anything.
Not us, I hope.

(LAUGHS) Little joke,
little joke, little joke.

(LAUGHS) Little joke,
Just a little joke.

Just a little joke.

Jesus, Pop, don't start with

the saying everything
Jesus, Pop, don't start with

the saying everything
three times malarky.

the saying everything
It was a little joke, that's all.

It was a little joke, that's all.

He couldn't eat all three of us.

(CHUCKLES)
There'd be no room for dessert.

(LAUGHS) Just a little joke.

Do you eat cabbage?

Like I said, Mrs O'Riordan,
I eat anything.

Nice dog you got there.
Nice fat haunches.

Nice dog you got there.
(WHIMPERS)

(WHIMPERS)

(LAUGHS)

Bridget Sinead Mary O'Riordan,
would you stop?!

Stop it right now, otherwise you'll
have the head on you in the morning.

Stop it right now, otherwise you'll
Danny, would you like a drink?

Danny, would you like a drink?

Firewater.
That's what they drink, don't they?

Firewater.
They love the firewater!

They love the firewater!

Love the firewater,
They love the firewater!

Love the firewater,
love the firewater!

Love the firewater,
Yes, they do!

Yes, they do!

Do you eat parsnip?

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

Danny? Nice tux, chap.

Makes a difference.

Oh, aye, nice to see you ain't
in second-hand cast-offs anymore.

When you worked at the Queen Mary,
you looked like

you'd fell in a bin outside Oxfam,
had a fight and lost.

Bri, he's gonna be
on 'New Faces' final soon.

Bri, he's gonna be
Can you give him a friggin' break?

Can you give him a friggin' break?

Youse two are supposed to be
Can you give him a friggin' break?

Youse two are supposed to be
managers of this crap hole.

Can you manage not to be arseholes
for five minutes?

I never thought he was that funny.
I'm sitting right here, you know?

What time's he on?
Well, they've eaten, bless 'em.

Then there's
the mass Lindy Hop exhibition.

It's when they're gonna
give themselves all coronaries.

And after the wee break,
Surprise Cabaret's announced

and enters to the theme music
from 'New Faces'.

and enters to the theme music
And Cherry will look after ya,

And Cherry will look after ya,

you know, if you need your plonker
pullin' or anything.

You're the only plonker
I can see round here, Bri.

She just called me a plonker then.
Should sack her.

I'll sack her
when you stop being a plonker.

Right, I'm gonna nip through
and get 'em goin'

Right, I'm gonna nip through
with the Lindy Hop selection.

with the Lindy Hop selection.

When that's sorted,
I'll bring you on.

You look really good, Danny.

Just like them guys on the telly.

I wanted to wear Oxford bags,
Just like them guys on the telly.

I wanted to wear Oxford bags,
loafers and a tank top.

I wanted to wear Oxford bags,
All this was Jonesy's idea.

All this was Jonesy's idea.

Well, he was right.

You look like
Well, he was right.

You look like
a professional entertainer.

So, do you need anything?

Sandwiches, cocktails...
(COUGHS) ..much better girlfriend.

Excuse me.
What did you just say?

I said, "Do you want a drink
before you go on or anything?"

I'll get a double brandy
and coke, please.

Tap water it is.

Here's where we find out
who the best dancers are.

Let's have your jitterbug,
ladies and gentlemen.

# Baby, baby, it looks like
it's gonna hail

# Baby, baby, it looks like
it's gonna hail

# You better come inside, let me
teach you how to jive and wail

# Oh, you gotta jump, jive,
and then you wail

# You gotta jump, jive,
# Oh, you gotta jump, jive,
and then you wail
and then you wail

# You gotta jump, jive,
and then you wail

# You gotta jump, jive,
# You gotta jump, jive,
and then you wail
and then you wail... #

# You gotta jump, jive,
and then you wail... #

Bloody hell, man,
old people can really...

(SAXOPHONE SOLO)

# Papa's in the icebox
lookin' for a can of ale

# Papa's in the icebox
# Papa's in the icebox
lookin' for a can of ale
lookin' for a can of ale

# Papa's in the icebox
lookin' for a can of ale

# Mama's in the backyard
learning how to jive and wail

# Oh, you gotta jump, jive,
and then you wail

# You gotta jump, jive,
# Oh, you gotta jump, jive,
and then you wail
and then you wail

# You gotta jump, jive,
and then you wail

# You gotta jump, jive,
# You gotta jump, jive,
and then you wail
and then you wail

# You gotta jump, jive,
and then you wail

# You gotta jump, jive,
# You gotta jump, jive,
and then you wail
and then you wail away

# You gotta jump, jive,
and then you wail away

You don't even belong
in this here family.

Danny, come back! Them only dancin'.

He was a good dancer, whoever he was.

Made Fred Astaire
look like a paraplegic.

It was you, wasn't it?

Them did say
the 'Surprise Cabaret' gone home

because him get sick
or something like that.

It was you?

Does Dad know?

About 'twinkle toes'?

This is big-people business,
you know, Daniel?

I don't have to explain
anything to you.

You is a pickney.
I'm nearly 18!

And is me payin' the raasclaat bills
roun' here now!

What's his name?!
Wha you wan' know him name for?!

How is it any of your business
who I dance with

when I can't even get
your father to move

from in front of the cricket
on the television?!

from in front of the cricket
Because it's just...

Because it's just...

(SIGHS)

It's because
the bloke you were dancing with

It's because
is the spitting image of me.

is the spitting image of me.

What you...

What are you talkin' about, Daniel?

You don't look anything like...
Mum, I'm not stupid!

You don't look anything like...
Same colouring, same eyes.

Same colouring, same eyes.

He looks like me.

When I first come here from Jamaica,
I was on me own.

I had to work very hard
to earn money

to send for your father
and the rest of them.

It was me come first.

Why didn't HE come first?
Him stubborn.

Say if I want to go to England
and start a new life,

I should go on ahead and sort it out
and see if tings are alright.

I should send for him,
Dee Dee, Pearl and Lamont.

I came on me own.

Jesus.

If you wan' them find you dead
pon street, you carry on blaspheme.

I come to England.

I look work.

I find it.

And after the first month or so,

when the white girls
stop being afraid of me,

when the white girls
them invite me to a dance.

them invite me to a dance.

And that's where I met...

..Calvin Gayle.

Calvin Gayle?

He's a machine operator
at Crossley Industry.

Big hands.

Great rhythm.

Him sweep me off me feet.

And then you went to bed with him?

If you wan' discuss
big-people things,

you have to LISTEN,
have some respect.

I never jus' go to bed.

He was a big married man,
with good hair.

I never want bruk up
for him marriage.

Then why...
Me tell you if you listen!

We dance first.

Once, twice, three time.

We win competition at Wolverhampton,
Birmingham, Stoke.

We wind up in Leicester.

Spent the night.

(HALF-LAUGHS)

We win the competition with
a jitterbug/Lindy Hop combine.

And that was that.

We go to Italian restaurant.

We drink wine.

He say...

.."Myrtle...

"..the way you took
that floor TONIGHT...

"..you was on fire."

Calvin say...

.."Out there..."

"..we were made for each other."

I was stupid.

Does Dad know?

Me fall pregnant with you
in the autumn.

And me have to write
and tell him the situation.

Calvin wouldn't bruk up his family
and I didn't want that either.

I tell Samson...

..if him don't forgive me...

..I will go and make a new life
with you somewhere and...

..that will be that.

Samson write back
and tell me him forgive me.

I don't...

What about Calvin?

Didn't he wanna meet me, hold me?

Him meet you, yes.

Him come to the hospital
and sit with you and burp you.

Him come to the hospital
I send money for you all now.

I send money for you all now.

You love him?

You still love him, don't ya?

Big people have to deal with
situations pickney don't understand.

This was a big-people something...

..and we deal with it
the best way we know how.

Mum says that they've moved on
and that you've forgiven her,

Mum says that they've moved on
but I don't understand.

but I don't understand.

If they've moved on, then why...

Why they still dancin' together?

She never tell you she could dance?

I mean really dance?

She told me last night.

From the moment
I first meet your mother...

..she was always, "Samson,
why you never take me dancin'?

..she was always, "Samson,
"We never dance. Why?

"We never dance. Why?

"Why, Samson, you have
three left feet, you know."

"Why, Samson, you have
And on and on and on.

And on and on and on.

She was good enough to win prizes,
but she needed the right partner.

Then she came here
and she found Calvin Gayle.

Then she came here
Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

Calvin come and then come you.

I'm so sorry, Dad.

What you sorry for?

Bed make, and is we have
What you sorry for?

Bed make, and is we have
to lie down pon it.

Calvin alright, you know.

Him did never wan' take you on.

Too much heartache
and responsibility.

So, ME take you on.

I feel like...

I feel like someone's pulled
my whole world out from under me.

Yes.

Bad news do that to you sometimes.

But listen to me.

Me is a serious somebody, you know.

Life, marriage, children -
all serious things.

You have to commit.

Mrytle not easy, you know.

Calvin like your mother,
but him could never do the hours.

(LAUGHS)

Don't know why I'm laughing.

I've never been so depressed
in all my life.

I'll never win them finals now.

Jesus. I feel sick.

You have your mother's talent.

Just remember,
practice make perfect.

And, if in doubt,
bowl them a googly.

And welcome back.

And as you can see, I have
all the finalist here behind me.

And as you can see, I have
all the finalist here behind me.
I have the winning envelope.

I have the winning envelope.

And the winner of New Faces'
All Winners Final,

And the winner of New Faces'
the winner of £10,000

the winner of £10,000

and a limited season
in Las Vegas is...

MAN: Come on, Dan chap!

(ALL SHOUT ENCOURAGEMENT)

Will I make you a coffee, Bridget?

Coffee, coffee, coffee.

(CHUCKLES) Sounds good to me.

(ALL SHOUT ENCOURAGEMENT)

(PEOPLE EXCLAIM EXCITEDLY)

(SOMBRE MUSIC)

Suppose you'll be wanting a lift
back to Dudley.

You ain't gonna make me walk
for comin' third, are ya?

You ain't gonna make me walk
Get in.

Get in.

Don't pick your nose
or scratch your bum.

Don't say, "Ay?"
Don't say, "You what?"

Act like you was brung up
somewhere decent.

James Broughton is a major
entrepreneur in show business.

He can keep you in work
for a lifetime.

So, mind your manners, and don't
eat your peas off your knife.

Gerrit?
Gorrit.

Gerrit?
Good.

Good.

Ahh, gentlemen. Spot of lunch?

Daniel?

You sit beside me, young man.

Now, the sign of a true professional
in this business is when

someone can turn their hand
to any task

and do it to the best
of their ability.

Am I right, Mr Jones?
You what?

Am I right, Mr Jones?
Uh, yeah.

Uh, yeah.

I mean...yes.

We want Danny to have
I mean...yes.

We want Danny to have
on-the-job training.

We want Danny to have
Summer season provides that exactly.

Summer season provides that exactly.

Good money, two shows a night,
six days a week for 26 weeks...

(MUFFLED VOICES)

Some wine, darlin'?

The way you took that dance floor,
you were on FIRE.

And he'll have it
for the rest of his life.

Don't you think, Daniel?

We've got great costumes...

Shall we drink a toast?

(MUFFLED VOICES)

That sounds perfect.
Now, what do you think, Danny?

Danny?!
Yes, perfect.

Danny?!
Me and that show, it'll be magical.

Me and that show, it'll be magical.

We'll be on fire!

Shall we drink a toast?!

(MUFFLED VOICES)

Come.

Think we should go
somewhere a bit more intimate.

Think we should go
(MUFFLED VOICES CONTINUE)

(MUFFLED VOICES CONTINUE)

It's a brave move,
but I think it's the right one.

We'll get the contracts draw up
and signed without delay,

We'll get the contracts draw up
if that's alright with everyone?

if that's alright with everyone?

Ooh. (CHUCKLES)

Well, I'm glad you're so
enthusiastic about all this, Danny.

I think you're going to be
a wonderful addition.

I think you're going to be
To the Musical Minstrel Cavalcade!

To the Musical Minstrel Cavalcade!

Ay? You what?

(CAMERA FLASH POPS REPEATEDLY)

Jonesy?
What?

No-one in my family's talking to me.

My brother Lamont says
that I've let down

My brother Lamont says
every black person in the country.

every black person in the country.

That's just bollocks. You're not
every black person in the country.

That's just bollocks. You're not
gonna be a minstrel, are ya?

That's just bollocks. You're not
They're not gonna make you sing,

They're not gonna make you sing,

"Camptown Races sing this song,
doo-dah, doo-dah," are they?

Then why am I dressed
like this, then?

Then why am I dressed
It's a joke, ain't it?

It's a joke, ain't it?

They've had a load of stick
from that race relations lot

about not employing
real black people.

They can't say nothin now,
can they? (CHUCKLES)

They can't say nothin now,
Hey, look, Danny.

Hey, look, Danny.

Your make-up's coming off now, too.

(LAUGHS)

('CAMPTOWN RACES' PLAYS)

# The Camptown ladies
sing this song

# The Camptown ladies
# Doo-dah, doo-dah

# Doo-dah, doo-dah

# The Camptown racetrack's
five miles long

# Oh, de doo-dah day

# I went down there
with my hat caved in

# I went down there
# Doo-dah, doo-dah

# Doo-dah, doo-dah

# I came back home
# Doo-dah, doo-dah

# I came back home
with a pocket full of tin

# I came back home
# Oh, de doo-dah day

# Oh, de doo-dah day

# Goin' to run all night

# Goin' to run all day

# I bet my money on a bob-tailed nag

# Somebody bet on the grey. #

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentleman,
please welcome

the Black Country's own
Danny Fearon!

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Now, you may have seen
some of these impressions before,

Now, you may have seen
but not in colour.

but not in colour.

You right, Dan?
Yeah, I'm here.

You know Cherry, don't ya, Dan?

Yeah. Yeah, I do.

You alright?

It's nice to see ya.

Oh, this is Tracie.

Say hello to Dan.
Thanks for inviting us, Danny.

Say hello to Dan.
We really enjoyed it.

We really enjoyed it.

Um, Dan, Bridget, this is Julie.

She works in Beatties
on the make-up counter up Dudley.

Jesus, why don't you hold up
a sign saying "slag", Terry?

Jesus, why don't you hold up
I'm off to the bog.

I'm off to the bog.

Are you coming, Bridget,
or are you glued to lover boy?

Suppose I could squeeze me lemon
before we get to the real drinkin'.

Suppose I could squeeze me lemon
Gin and tonic, make it a triple.

Gin and tonic, make it a triple.

It's gonna be a long friggin' night.

So, uh...how long
have you two been, um...

So, uh...how long
We're just havin' a laugh, ain't we?

We're just havin' a laugh, ain't we?

More than you did
during tonight's show, I bet.

What's that supposed to mean?
You didn't laugh.

I could see all of ya
and none of you thought it was funny.

You're in a minstrel show,
for Chrissakes.

You're lucky we came at all.

BERN: You're great, Dan.

But it ain't like
the Queen Mary up here, is it?

Not in this show.

You ARE doin' a lot of the stuff

you've been doing
since the Queen Mary, Dan.

I gotta do what works.

The stuff they've seen on the telly
works because they've seen it.

I bloody know what I'm doing.

I just think, while you're stuck
in this ridiculous show,

you might as well try loads
of new things out,

and get them up and running
for when it's all over

and you can do something
you really want to do.

Dan's just...he's just doin'
what he's told.

No. Maybe that's the problem.

You don't look like
you're enjoyin' it.

Why don't you mind
your own business, Cherry?

Why don't you mind
Come on, Danny, this ain't you.

Come on, Danny, this ain't you.

And how would you guys know
Come on, Danny, this ain't you.

And how would you guys know
what is and isn't me?

And how would you guys know
You don't even know who that is.

You don't even know who that is.

You only like it
when I'm doin' impressions for ya.

So, come on, then, lads.

Who do you want me to be for you now?

Frank-bastard-Spencer?

Dan?
Frank-bastard-Spencer?

Dan?
Huh?!

Dan?
Dave Allen?

Dave Allen?

Well, come on, lads, who?

We just want you to be you.

Yeah. Be the Danny
we remember from home.

Yeah. Be the Danny
Just...just piss off, all of ya!

Just...just piss off, all of ya!

CHERRY: Danny?

Just leave me alone, Cherry.
Charming.

I came up here to see you in
this godforsaken ABORTION of a show.

Not one of your family's
been up here.

It's embarrassing.

Your sister Dee Dee's
ashamed of you.

You don't know
what your talkin' about.

I know YOU, Danny.

You'd twist yourself inside out
to please these people,

You'd twist yourself inside out
and look where it's got you.

and look where it's got you.

Go back in there and sit
with your girlfriend and your mates.

They're supporting you.

It's what friends are for.

GEORGIE: Cherry?

I just wanted to see
if everything was...alright.

Danny, don't mind
all that bollocks, chap.

Danny, don't mind
Come and have a drink?

Come and have a drink?

Come on, Dan.

('CAMPTOWN RACES'
PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND)

CHERRY: Not one of your family's
been up here.

Your sister Dee Dee's
ashamed of you.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

This place wants a flamethrower
taken to it.

Bloody hell, Dan!

Talk about messy.
Don't worry, Jonesy.

I'll give it a nice bit
of elbow grease before we set off.

And then we'll give the room
a good clean as well, right, Danny?

Listen, son.

I just had a phone call
from your guv'nor, James Broughton.

He's so pleased with the business,
he wants to move you up the bill.

You're gonna come on
at the end of part one,

and he wants to extend
the run of the show to November!

and he wants to extend
Danny, that's feckin' brilliant!

Danny, that's feckin' brilliant!

Yeah, you get a pay rise
and everything.

You can go on holiday
with Bridget, chap.

Can't wait.
You'll love me in a bikini, Dan.

I'm just like that big blonde
on Pan's People,

except, you know,
with a personality,

except, you know,
and a cuter arse.

and a cuter arse.

Do I have to?

You and your mum signed the papers
for this eventuality way back.

Remember?

Jonesy, I-I...

..I ain't doin' so well up here,
you know, in meself.

I'm drinkin' too much.

I feel stuck, trapped.

This show, it's just...it's wrong.

I don't wanna hear this.

Stuck? Trapped?

I wouldn't mind being stuck and
trapped for what they're paying you.

If you quit now,
you get a reputation.

"Yeah, that darkie kid
off the telly's unreliable."

Oh, Bridget,
talk some sense into him?

Bridget, look, I'm thinking...

..I don't finish this, I go home,
Bridget, look, I'm thinking...

..I don't finish this, I go home,
I speak to me dad.

Yeah. See if I can get me old job
back at the factory.

Yeah. See if I can get me old job
Me and you could be in my room,

Me and you could be in my room,

till I save up enough money
Me and you could be in my room,

till I save up enough money
so we can get a place of our own...

till I save up enough money
Are you stupid?

Are you stupid?

Danny Fearon, you're a big star now,

and what you do up there
is a piece of piss.

Don't be an eejit.

Take their money,
keep your cakehole closed,

Take their money,
and we'll be away on our holidays.

and we'll be away on our holidays.

Keep your chin up, Danny boy.

Sure, it's not like
you're in jail or nothin'.

(SOMBRE MUSIC)

(INAUDIBLE)

I know what you're all thinking.

"He's a lot bigger
than I was expecting."

"He's a lot bigger
Well, let me tell you,

Well, let me tell you,

you're all a lot whiter
than I was expecting.

(ONE PERSON LAUGHS)

Thanks, Mum.

Go on.

You alright, Dan?
You look terrible.

Yeah, I'm alright.

Yes, and for me,
I'm Aretha Franklin.

I did tell you, you wan' sign
contract with the white man,

that's how tings go.

Lamont, you never said nothin'.

You've only ever seen me
on the telly.

You don't know
what I'm goin' through.

You've never once encouraged me.

And now that I'm stuck, all you can
do is sit here slaggin' me off!

And now that I'm stuck, all you can
You ain't nothin but a prat, Lamont!

You ain't nothin but a prat, Lamont!

(ALL MUTTER)

Ah, fe him fault. Move from me.

Him wan' play the white man,
this whagwan.

Sit down!

SAMSON: What wrong with you?

DANNY: Don't know.

Stop talkin' foolishness.

I'm just...

Everything was great, and now it's...

Now it's...

What you hittin' me for?

You gettin' more money
What you hittin' me for?

You gettin' more money
for 10 minutes work

You gettin' more money
than I earn in an entire week?

than I earn in an entire week?

You a paying the TV,
the mortgage, the phone,

buying clothes for the pickney dem.

You know how that make me feel?

It make me feel worthless.

(TSKS)

Got myself into this situation

and don't know
Got myself into this situation

and don't know
how to get myself out of it.

Daniel, if even with all the money
these people payin' you,

you don't want to do this show,
just bowl them a googly.

Yes, man, bowl them a googly.

Them will soon surprise
and mess up the whole someting.

(LAUGHS)

(COUGHS)

Uh...

Oh, come.

# 'Cause when
I'm paddlin' Madeline home

# Gee, when I'm paddlin'
Madeline home... #

BROUGHTON: "Dear Danny.

"It has been brought to my attention
that your behaviour

"has become increasingly erratic
over the last few weeks.

"Stage management
have reported drunkenness,

"a surly attitude,
and a lax approach to time keeping.

"a surly attitude,
"Consider this a warning."

"Consider this a warning."

# Paddlin' Madeline home

# Paddlin' Madeline

# Sweet, sweet Madeline

# Paddlin' Madeline

# Paddlin' Madeline home. #

(WHISTLES)

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,

you may have seen
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,

you may have seen
some of these impressions before,

you may have seen
but not in colour.

but not in colour.

From TV's 'New Faces',
it's Danny Fearon!

(LAUGHTER)

(AUDIENCE GASPS)

Thought I'd try something
a bit different today,

Thought I'd try something
ladies and gentlemen.

ladies and gentlemen.

Bit of new material.

Old ladies down there going, "Shame
you didn't find some new material

"to put over your meat
and two veg, ya bastard."

Get him off there now!
(LAUGHS)

Boof!

(BAND PLAYS LIGHT MUSIC)

(MICROPHONE FEEDBACK)

Two black guys in Mississippi,
one of them says,

"Clarence, what would you do if you
got a letter from the Ku Klux Klan

"sayin', 'Get the hell out of town,
nigger, or else'"?

And Clarence says, "Leroy,
I read that shit on the train."

(LAUGHS)
How dare you!

How dare you bring this filth
to my production?!

How dare you bring this filth
Get him off the stage!

Get him off the stage!

Ohh! You black twat!

You are very much fired!

And you'll be hearing
You are very much fired!

And you'll be hearing
from my lawyers!

And you'll be hearing
I just bowled you a googly.

I just bowled you a googly.

Dad was right. Googly's rule!

(LAUGHS)

Look, Jonesy...
JONESY: Shut your mouth.

This is now null and void.

Broughton wants nothin'
to do with you.

Broughton wants nothin'
I want nothin' to do with you.

I want nothin' to do with you.

You can all piss off back to Jamaica
and die, for all I care!

SAMSON: If it was me, I should've
shoved him up the backside

SAMSON: If it was me, I should've
when we had the chance.

when we had the chance.

What happened to him?

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO)

What the...?

Turn off the song.

Them sack you from show business
and you dance?

Them sack you from show business
You lost your mind fe true?

You lost your mind fe true?

How you gonna live?
Why aren't you on my side?

Daniel, your manager gone.

Your girlfriend gone.

Soon as
that likkle bangarang realise

the golden goose gone, she flee.

You have to pick yourself up
the golden goose gone, she flee.

You have to pick yourself up
and go back out there

You have to pick yourself up
and do what you do before.

and do what you do before.

I'm not gonna do that, Mum.

This is what I am now, Mum.
I'm not gonna do that, Mum.

This is what I am now, Mum.

This is what I am now, Mum.
Yes, a bumbaclaat idiot!

Yes, a bumbaclaat idiot!

(IMITATES BRUCE FORSYTH)
That is correct, my love.

For £5, live right here
on 'The Generation Game',

The correct answer from
the grumpy Jamaican lady is,

The correct answer from
a bumbaclaat idiot.

a bumbaclaat idiot.

(ALL LAUGH)

(SOMBRE ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS)

(ORGAN MUSIC STOPS)

DANNY I just wanted to say
a few words about my...

..about my dad.

I asked him once
how he came to this country,

and he'd say
"I come to Hingland in, um...

"..a boat."

(SOFT LAUGHTER)

I remember when I was a kid,

watching him dig out this old
stubborn tree root in the backyard,

and he had his shirt off
and he was all muscle.

I was in awe.

I asked him, "Dad, how come
you've got all them muscles?

"Do you go to the gym?'

And he'd say,
"Jamaican man don't need gym.

And he'd say,
"We had slavery.

"We had slavery.

"Cheaper."

(SOFT LAUGHTER)

He was a serious man.

He didn't dance.

He didn't tell jokes or sing.

He didn't hug or kiss,
or say, "I love you."

Typical Jamaican father.

I remember I fell over
in the street once,

I remember I fell over
right in the middle of the street.

right in the middle of the street.

And my dad was already
on the other side of the road.

I said, "Daddy!"

And I was bawlin'.

And he turned and he said,
"You stay there and bawl.

"74 bus gonna run over your claat."

(SOFT LAUGHTER)

Bostin speech that was today, chap.
Sound as a pound.

Look, I'm gonna get more drinks.

Same again?
Yeah.

You do look good.

Are you trying to pull me
at your dad's funeral?

No, no. Uh...

I was gonna...

I loved the eulogy, Dan.

It was beautiful.

Funny and...and heartfelt
and about something, you know?

It was about you,
and about all of us.

Those stories about your dad,
brilliant.

I've got stories
about the whole family,

I've got stories
loads of 'em, a lifetime's worth.

loads of 'em, a lifetime's worth.

Brilliant.

Maybe you should
try them out somewhere.

Maybe you should
Bet the audiences would love that.

Bet the audiences would love that.

Hm.

You ever thought about,
Hm.

You ever thought about,
um...management?

(LAUGHS) Shut up
and take a compliment.

I'm trying to pull you
at your dad's funeral.

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian
Broadcasting Corporation

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