Danny and the Human Zoo (2015) Movie Script

# My boy Lollipop

# You make my heart go giddy-up

# You are as sweet as candy

# You're my sugar dandy

# Whoa oh, my boy Lollipop

# Never ever leave me

# Because it would grieve me

# My heart told me so

# I love you, I love you,

I love you so

# But I don't want you to know

I need you, I need you,

I need you so

# And I'll never let you go

I need you so

# And I'll never let you go

Doo, doo, doo, do

# My boy Lollipop

Doo, doo, doo, do

# You make my heart go giddy-up

Doo, doo, doo, do

# You set the world on fire

Doo, doo, doo, do

# You are my one desire

Doo, doo, doo, do

# Whoa, my Lollipop... #

Doo, doo, doo, do

# Whoa, my Lollipop... #

(SHOUTING)

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Get off, Bailey,

I ain't done nothin' to you.

You ain't' done nothin'?!

You ain't done nothin'?

You ain't' done nothin'?!

Then what's this then, nig nog?

(GRUNTS)

Fight! Fight! Fight!

Do you think you're funny?

Do you think

you're some kinda comedian?

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Well, you ain't.

Skinner! Skinner! Skinner! Skinner!

(AS MUHAMMAD ALI) That felt good.

I'ma do it again.

I can't be beat.

I am the greatest.

I'm so pretty, I'm so fast,

I'm a whoop yo' ass.

(AS HENRY COOPER) Oh, he's

a good boy, Harry, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Left hook, right hook.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

(CHUCKLES)

(AS TOMMY COOPER) Ladies and

gentlemen, I give you, Danny Fearon.

(AS TOMMY COOPER) Ladies and

The human punching bag.

He's allergic to violence,

ladies and gentlemen.

He breaks out in cuts and bruises.

(CHUCKLES)

Thank you very much.

(AS GROUCHO MARX) I said to the doc,

"I broke my arm in six places.

What should I do?"

Doc said,

"Stop going to those places."

Doc said,

(LAUGHTER)

STUDENT: Whoever you are in there,

you all should be on the telly

STUDENT: Whoever you are in there,

you all should be on the telly

or summat.

you all should be on the telly

STUDENT 2: He's right.

Mate, you could make a fortune

doin' that stuff.

Mate, you could make a fortune

He ain't lyin', that's for sure.

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

You alright now.

Alright, Miss Myrtle?

If God see fit, Mr Harris.

Alright, Miss Myrtle?

Your hair look good. Wig?

Are we done yet?

What you say?

Rest yourself, me have things to do.

Lord God, Miss Clarice,

look pon your hat.

One good gust a wind and you soon

reach back a Jamaica.

You like it?

Mm-hm.

(GROANS) Bloody hell, man.

What you say?

Nothin'.

Ooh. An' if you damage or drop even

one piece of fruit or sweet potato

Ooh. An' if you damage or drop even

I will shove dem up your nose hole.

You hear me?

Pick up the things now.

Miss Myrtle,

we miss you at church, you know?

You remember my daughter, Cherry?

Alright, Cherry?

You remember my daughter, Cherry?

Them nuh have comb where you live?

(SNIGGERS)

The times I tell that girl to drag

comb through that head of hair.

The times I tell that girl to drag

Come like they deaf or something.

Alright, Danny?

Come like they deaf or something.

Alright, Danny?

Yeah, you?

Your mum's funny.

I saw you up town just now.

Does she know every black person

in Dudley? (CHUCKLES)

Gettin' a summer job?

Dunno, maybe.

Might do waitressin'.

Mum says I'd have to wear a big hat

or a wig

Mum says I'd have to wear a big hat

so as not to frighten the customers.

I like me hair, though. It's me.

Daniel.

Me foot dem mash up.

Come mek we go in the house.

Miss Patterson a talk to me about,

"We miss you at church, Miss Myrtle

you know?

"Me hope say you not backslidin'

into the arms of you know who?"

Imagine a talk to me like that

inna street.

Meanwhile, me hypnotise

by Cherry head.

It tangle, it tangle, it tangle,

it tangle

till her head resemble bush.

(ALL LAUGH)

Pure elephant and lion

a run round in there.

Brother Murphy operation,

leave him a walk sideways

like crab.

I saw him a go up town today.

(ALL LAUGH)

Ladies, gentlemen and children,

welcome to The Generation Game.

Ladies, gentlemen and children,

Nice to see you. To see you...

AUDIENCE: Nice!

I've been very worried

about the coal shed door.

I've been very worried

(LAUGHTER)

# See them flyin' on a 10-mile heat

# Doo-dah, doo-dah

# Round the racetrack, then repeat

Oh, doo-dah day

# I win my money... #

(SILENCE)

TEACHER: 1,000 to the base of 10

is 3.

So that's 10 to the power of 3

is 1,000.

Finally... (VOICE SLOWS)

(THUMPS)

Finally... (VOICE SLOWS)

(THUMPS)

(SQUEAKS)

(THUMPS)

..by 10 by 10 is 1,000.

Brought over, what we've got...

(THUMPS)

..then there is 2...

(WHOOSH!

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

What now?

Listen, lads.

If we're going drinking and round

all the clubs and that

we'm gonna need spondulicks.

Cash-ola. Readies.

we'm gonna need spondulicks.

Where'm I gonna get spondulicks from?

Yow've never got any money.

Don't your parents ever give you

Yow've never got any money.

Don't your parents ever give you

any pocket money?

Don't your parents ever give you

Jamaicans ain't got parents.

It's more like two drill sergeants

lampin' you round the house.

Me dad's got me a 'prenticeship

at the factory, but the money's shit

and I have to give most of it

to me mum.

She says, "What you want

wid money anyway?

"You'd only spend it on foolishness."

So that means I gotta get two jobs.

They'm hiring up the zoo.

You what?

Nah, go on.

(TARZAN YELL)

No, stop!

(IMITATES SEAL BARK)

This is the Queen Mary Ballroom

where you'll be working

This is the Queen Mary Ballroom

where you'll be working

your bollocks off all summer.

The pay is crap, but you do get

a discount on the discos and drinks.

It's Magnificent Jonesy

on Sunday nights.

It's Magnificent Jonesy

Northern Soul and that on Mondays.

Northern bastard soul.

Gosh, that's Motown for poor people.

Discount doesn't mean free.

Don't forget that.

You still have to pay somethin'

to get in and get your drinks.

You still have to pay somethin'

Alright? We ain't a charity.

Unless ya know someone on the door

Alright? We ain't a charity.

Unless ya know someone on the door

or behind the bar.

Unless ya know someone on the door

I just pour me own, saves time.

This is Bridget,

a senior staff member.

When she says, "Jump",

you say, "How high?"

When she says, "Jump",

And don't even think about it.

The drawbridge on Bridget's knickers

And don't even think about it.

The drawbridge on Bridget's knickers

is well and truly up, my friends.

The drawbridge on Bridget's knickers

The Carter twins. Jaysus.

Two of you ugly bastards

for the price of one.

Be still my beatin' heart.

C'mon.

(FLOURISHING MUSIC)

Well, look at you all shy.

Better hurry up, you're gonna be

left behind by Frodo and Dildo.

(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC)

(ALL LAUGH)

(FUNKY MUSIC)

# Ain't no stopping me now

# Like a bird, I'm flying free

# Ain't no ball and chain

can keep a hold on me

# Ain't no ball and chain

# Ain't no stopping me now

# Like a bird, I'm flying free

# Find someone who really wants

to get to me

# Went into my life, thought,

"Well, that's for sure"

# Now things are bad,

you ain't got to hear no more

# Well, you stopped a knocking

at my door... #

# Well, you stopped a knocking

(MUSIC STOPS)

Bridget there, boys and girls.

Proving to us all that

whatever God is, male or female,

Proving to us all that

he's got a knob.

(MEN CHEER)

(FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS)

You alright, Bridget?

Can I get three lagers

and one lager with lime.

Can I get three lagers

Lime? Is one of youse a poof?

You what?

Surely shirt-lifters put lime

in their beer.

What's a shirt-lifter?

(CHUKCLES)

What's a shirt-lifter?

(CHUKCLES)

Oh, Danny you're very sweet.

Here's hoping you don't do any time

at Winson Green Prison.

Here's hoping you don't do any time

You'll find out soon enough.

That be 80p.

WOMAN: She meant homosexual.

You what?

Shirt-lifter. Poof.

They're horrible expressions for men

who do it with each other.

Men doin' it with each other?

Not all men fancy women, Daniel.

Some men are different.

And whoever's different,

Some men are different.

And whoever's different,

you can bet somebody somewhere

And whoever's different,

has made up a nasty word for dem.

It's like what they call us.

Nig nog, coon, darkie.

They're just words they've made up

'cause we're different.

They're just words they've made up

Different's good.

Oi, Larrington.

You can't sit down at the table

an' eat?

You can't sit down at the table

You wan' mama to buy you a trough?

Pearl must have been out of her mind

when she marry you.

Pearl must have been out of her mind

(CHUCKLES)

Wha' you say?

Nothin'.

I didn't say nothin'.

Good!

Come I box every las' one a your

teeth down your nasty little gullet.

Larrington, leave him alone.

What you say to me?

Wha' me did tell you, Pearl?

Hmm? Seem like you feel say

Wha' me did tell you, Pearl?

Hmm? Seem like you feel say

you can jus' backchat me.

Like me an' you is friend?

Just relax youself, Larrington.

We all know say you is a big man.

Jus' calm yourself.

We all know say you is a big man.

Wha' you say, Kojak?

You think ca'you work

Dudley police station,

me can't tump you down

one and two time?

Come now?

None of you have nutten' to do?

Come out a the kitchen.

Hmm. Lucky.

Oh, good.

You stay behind to wash the plate

then?

I bloody hate him.

Classic.

I'da kicked him in the bollocks.

Nobody likes a kick in the bollocks,

do they?

Nobody likes a kick in the bollocks,

He's Jamaican.

If I kicked him in the bollocks

I'd just hear clang.

And then he'd kill me.

Never mind that pillock.

You all gotta practice for

the talent thing at the Queen Mary.

(SCOFFS) I ain't sure.

You're jokin', are ya?

Mate, you'll walk it.

Frank Spencer. Classic.

Tommy Cooper. Classic.

Wobbly Elvis. It's classic.

Come on, Dan.

We'll tell you if it's shit.

Come on, Dan.

Over and over again.

Well, I'll say it's shit

Over and over again.

Well, I'll say it's shit

even if it ain't, though.

Well, I'll say it's shit

Just to be a bit of a twat.

Don't do yourself down, chap,

you ain't just a bit of a twat,

you'm all twat.

Piss off.

you'm all twat.

Do us a show. Come on.

(AS ELVIS) Uh-huh-huh.

Oh, here we go.

I went to a psychiatrist,

a head shrinker.

I went in there and said,

"Doc, my brother, he thinks

he's a houn'dog, what can I do?"

Shrink says, "Bring him in".

Uh-huh-huh.

Put him on the couch. I said,

"Wait a cotton pickin' minute,

Put him on the couch. I said,

"he ain't allowed on the couch."

It's the way I tell...

Oh. What we got here then?

Is he dancin' for you lads?

Must be nice

to have your own dancin' coon.

Must be nice

Will he dance for me?

Come on, coon, dance for me.

We was gonna go Paki bashin' tonight

but this twat just queue-jumped,

didn't ya?

but this twat just queue-jumped,

Cowin' Danny Fearon.

(SNIFFS) I bet you piss the bed.

You stink.

All you lot stink like cack.

I ain't got a problem with you.

But I got a big problem with you

though, y'black bastard.

Get up, Daniel.

Oooooh, assault AND battery?

With your record? Bad idea, Bailey.

Havin' a go at her little brother.

Two streets away

from the police station?

Two streets away

Bad idea, Bailey.

And just at the same time

as when me and Ellis here

are havin' our evenin' stroll,

hopin' to bump into

some racist dickhead

picking on people

weaker than themselves.

I ay weak...

I weren't doin' nothin' wrong.

Weren't ya?

If I ever come two hundred feet

to my little brother again,

I'm gonna shove this

right up your nose hole!

Understand?

(ALL JEER)

Thank you, boys.

I think me and Ellis here would like

fish, chips, mushy peas

and two cans of Fanta.

Thank you.

I have to put up with that shit

day in day out at work. Every day.

You gotta stand up to 'em, Dan,

or they'll walk all over you.

You gotta stand up to 'em, Dan,

Someone has a go at you,

you walk up to 'em

and have a go right back

and if they hit you with a fist,

you hit them with a brick.

Obviously, you wear gloves

and a ski mask

so they can't name you

in a court of law.

Look, I remember what Mum

used to say when we was kids,

"You have a h'integrate

wid the Dudley people."

But she didn't mean

we just had to lie down

and let people jump all over us.

You gotta stand up for yourself,

Dan.

Git up.

Can't be late first day at work,

you know.

Can't be late first day at work,

Them will sack you.

And don't let my backside

come back up here.

(GROANS)

You wretch.

Come, mek we go.

Not too bad.

Could be a bit smoother.

(SCOFFS)

Ah, so it a go from now on.

An when you have your wife,

Ah, so it a go from now on.

An when you have your wife,

a so the same thing a going.

Bastard!

I ain't havin' this!

Feckin' bastard.

(SHOUTS)

Can't I just take you out once?

Just so you can see what it's like?

I've got a pretty good idea

of what it's like, Danny Fearon.

I've got a pretty good idea

It's just like all the other ones,

'ceptin' yours is brown,

It's just like all the other ones,

'ceptin' yours is brown,

an' not as big.

Ah, Danny, I can't be goin' out

with a black fecker like you.

Ah, Danny, I can't be goin' out

Me dad'd have me guts fer garters

and me mother would stick her head

in the gas oven.

Don't you know any girls

that look like you?

Alright, Danny?

No.

Alright, lads and lasses!

(ALL CHEER)

It's time for...

..the Queen Mary talent search.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

You come up here,

show us what you can do.

The first prize is a £50 discount

at my own personal record shop.

The first prize is a £50 discount

Magnificent Records.

Brierley Hill High Street,

Magnificent Records.

Brierley Hill High Street,

just by the traffic lights. And...

..a large bottle of whiskey.

What do you say to that?!

(CHEERING)

So, who wants to give it a go first?

We've got Tracie, Julie and Sue

and the girls are gonna slaughter

We've got Tracie, Julie and Sue

and the girls are gonna slaughter

Baby Love by The Supremes.

(RETCHES)

I'm gonna be sick.

(BOOING AND JEERING)

This is really funny right,

so, um...

So the barman says

to the white horse, he says,

"Ooh, we've got a whiskey named

after you"

a-a-and the white horse says,

"What d'you mean, Brian?"

a-a-and the white horse says,

(SILENCE)

(BOOING)

Oh, bollocks.

(BOOING)

That it... That... He says,

"What do you mean? Brian?"

(BOOING AND JEERING)

I ain't goin' up there.

The crowd's too...too aggressive.

Alright, calm down. Calm down.

Give him a round of applause.

Come on, Danny, you can do it.

Nah, lads, I ain't going up there.

I'm just gonna stick

Nah, lads, I ain't going up there.

I'm just gonna stick

to what I've been doing.

I can't stand much more of this.

It's like being circumcised

I can't stand much more of this.

It's like being circumcised

with a pair of rusty pilers.

Queen Mary! There's gotta be

a star here somewhere?

I need one last victim -

I mean, contestant.

You go up there and you be classic.

Danny, smash it, mate.

You go up there and you be classic.

Anyone?

Get up there

and mek 'em have it, chap.

Get up there

You gotta get up there, Dan.

We want the whiskey. Go on, chap.

There you go. Best of luck.

(AS ELVIS) Uh-huh-huh.

You know, it's great bein'

the king of rock'n'roll.

But sometimes, when you wanna

have a drink, it's a problem...

Bartender, can I get another one

of these please?

Bartender, can I get another one

(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

(AS FRANK SPENCER) Mmm.

I'm all wet now.

(LAUGHTER)

I'm all wet now.

Soakin'.

Betty won't be pleased.

Me and Betty have been a couple

since we was six years old.

I said to my mum, "I'm gonna marry

Betty from next door."

She said, "What about if babies come?

What then?"

She said, "What about if babies come?

I said, "Well, we talked about it

"and if she lays any eggs..."

(LAUGHTER)

"Them I'll just stamp on 'em."

(AS TOMMY COOPER)

Ladies and gentlemen,

(AS TOMMY COOPER)

I'm gonna do a trick now.

See that?

It's exactly the same

on the other side.

It's exactly the same

(LAUGHTER)

I was driving the wrong way down

a one-way street the other day

I was driving the wrong way down

and a policeman stopped me.

He said, "Do you know

this is a one-way street?"

I said, "Well, I was only going

the one way."

I said, "Well, I was only going

(LOUD LAUGHTER, UPBEAT MUSIC)

(AS MUHAMMAD ALI) I am the greatest,

I'm the fastest,

I'm the wittiest

and I'm the prettiest.

I'm the wittiest

Joe Frazier's so ugly,

when he was a baby the only way they

could get the dog to play with him

was if they hung a pork chop

round his neck.

(AS BRUCE FORSYTH) Nice to see you.

To see you...

ALL: Nice!

Winner!

(CHEERING)

That was superb, chap, superb.

Now, thing is what you're gonna need

That was superb, chap, superb.

Now, thing is what you're gonna need

is guidance.

I think I know

how to make you a star.

Come round the shop,

we'll talk about it.

Come round the shop,

I'll give you 25% discount.

Bring your mates.

Drink to that. Come on.

To Danny. To Danny.

(ALL CHEER)

Does anybody else want lemonade?

Yeah.

Does anybody else want lemonade?

Yeah.

I'll have one.

Need you for a second

in the stockroom.

Hang on, I ain't working tonight.

Why do you need me to...

Yeah.

I'll...

Danny, that was feckin' brilliant.

(ZIPPER OPENS)

Guess this means I'm in showbiz.

(JAUNTY TV THEME)

PEARL: Why we can't talk about it?

(JAUNTY TV THEME)

LARRINGTON: Nothing to talk about.

We can't afford to move out

LARRINGTON: Nothing to talk about.

We can't afford to move out

so is here we have to stay.

And here's you go out

in your brand-new jacket.

Just goin' out for a drink.

They don't mek that illegal yet.

I just think it's...

Shut your mouth!

Nothin' you have say

can't wait till mornin'.

My brand-new jacket.

You little blood clat, you.

Come outta me way!

You don't even belong

in this your family...

You don't even belong

You know how much this jacket cost?

Pearl, I beg you pack up your family

and leave this house.

And take this wort'less piece

a filt' wid yu.

But Mama...

Wha' me tell you to do?

But Mama...

Take out knife in my house?

Threaten my family? My son?

I swear to God, Larrington,

you leave this house now

or them will have a prison me.

You understand me?

Me say if you understand?

Yes! Jesus Christ, yes.

Me say if you understand?

Yes! Jesus Christ, yes.

Oh.

Where Larrington and them goin'?

Them a go find some place to live.

Where Larrington and them goin'?

Them a go find some place to live.

Daniel gettin' for them room.

We gone.

(LIGHT BLUES MUSIC PLAYS)

You don't even belong

in this your family.

Mrs F...

Call me Myrtle.

Mrs F...

Myrtle. Lovely name.

As I was sayin', Myrtle, I...

You're an evergreen shrub,

if I'm not mistaken?

Look, if Dan does well

in the New Faces auditions,

Look, if Dan does well

he'll win the heats

and then gets the chance to compete

to the Palladium for ten grand

and a season in Vegas.

(CHUCKLES) You'll be able

to do up the house,

(CHUCKLES) You'll be able

get a phone.

Get a new telly,

maybe two tellys.

All you gotta do,

the pair of you, is...

..sign this contract

and that'll make me Danny's manager.

(SIGHS)

This is a lot to take in, Mr Jones.

33.3%!

Are you serious?

Dee Dee, come out.

Are you serious?

Dee Dee, come out.

Me can't even think.

The boy not even 16

and you want him go on television?

Him can't even tidy him bedroom.

Mum, I want this more

than anything in the whole world.

If I win, I promise I'll help you.

I can help with...with money.

Whatever you need.

Just let me do this.

I know I can do this, Mum. Please?

Written in felt tip pen.

All official and everything.

You can leave by the door

or the window, make your choice.

You can leave by the door

Samson, you drunk?

You wan' the boy

Samson, you drunk?

You wan' the boy

sign 'em life away for a TV?

So him can compete for

some stupid trophy?

Mek this little idiot

take him contract

and shove it up him batty hole.

Mum, mek him stop.

Listen, er...

I've-I've got a gig starting

in a couple of hours.

Club Lafayette, just down the road.

I'd better be...

You stay right where you are,

Mr Jones.

You stay right where you are,

This man not in him right mind.

Me in me mind right enough

This man not in him right mind.

Me in me mind right enough

to tell you

that if this boy sign that dirty

something, it won't make him happy.

that if this boy sign that dirty

How would you know, Dad?!

What do you know about happiness?

You've never been happy in your life.

You never laugh. You never joke.

You've never told me a story.

You never touch Mum.

I don't even know how I got here.

(GASPS)

Is... What...

Watch this foolishness now.

How many shows you doin' here?

Jonesy says I gotta do

loads of gigs like this

to toughen me up for the telly.

How long's he signed you for?

Says ten years on the contract.

That sounds about right, doesn't it?

You got your solicitor to have

That sounds about right, doesn't it?

You got your solicitor to have

a look, though, didn't ya?

You got your solicitor to have

Huh?

(LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYS)

Bloody hell.

There's nobody in here

that looks like you, Dan.

(MUSIC STOPS)

(MUSIC STARTS AGAIN)

Chap, I'm white

and even I'm scared for ya.

Chap, I'm white

Maybe you...

Maybe you should have a couple

of drinks before you go on.

Maybe you should have a couple

Nah, I'm alright.

(DOOR OPENS)

MAN: What time's the coon comin' on?

MAN 2: Dunno.

He better be good, though.

Have his bollocks on stick

otherwise.

Have his bollocks on stick

Yeah. (CHUCKLES)

(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

Whoo-hoo. What were that, hey?

Jesus Christ. Sounded like

she were gargling with cement.

(LAUGHTER)

Alright, here we go, we've got a

young coloured fella comin' on next.

Now, I don't think it's fair

to laugh at the afflicted,

you might disagree.

He's scheduled to audition

for a TV talent show.

Ooh.

Oh, yes.

He wants to try out

some of his jokes, says his manager.

Now, I've had word he's as funny

as woodworm in a cripple's crutch.

Now, I've had word he's as funny

(LAUGHTER)

If you're wondering why

(LAUGHTER)

If you're wondering why

the palms of his hands

If you're wondering why

are lighter than the rest of him,

it's 'cause how they stack 'em

when they get sprayed.

(LAUGHTER)

Come on, give him a chance.

He's not from round here.

Come on, give him a chance.

Here he is. Come on.

Danny Fearon.

(SILENCE)

There you go, son. All yours.

(FEEDBACK SQUEALS)

(AS FRANK SPENCER) Mmm.

He wasn't very nice, was he, Betty?

(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)

In fact, I'd go so far as to say

he was a bit of a dickhead.

(LAUGHTER)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS)

(HUMS)

Mum?

(SWITCHES MUSIC OFF)

My first show.

This?

This was for one show?

Yeah.

Ho-haaaa!

Lord, Jesus Christ, Daniel!

Ho-haaaa!

You are blessed!

After the Lord don't reach down

You are blessed!

After the Lord don't reach down

an' bless you himself?

(SWITCHES MUSIC ON)

She's nice.

Oi! Bugger-lugs.

Keep your mind on this audition.

If you get this right,

you can have your own TV show.

Your missus'll be farting through

silk for the rest of her days.

I ain't gonna let you cock it up

'cause you were starring

at some bird's arse. Clear?

'cause you were starring

Yeah.

"She's nice," my ball sack.

You have got good taste, though,

I'll give ya that much.

I'd give her one meself.

(CARNIVAL MUSIC)

MAN: How are you?

Good evening.

This is my dog.

Thank you. Next.

(SMOOTH MUSIC)

Next.

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

Next!

Oh, my word!

You're doing that thing again

where you shove your hand in my...

Angus!

Alright, what do you call

a dinosaur with no eyes?

Next.

(DOG BARKS)

Next.

Next!

And go...

Next.

The judges hate everybody.

Let's just go home, chap, please?

Hey, listen!

They're just sortin' the wheat

from the chaff.

Remember that.

But don't know what I'm doing.

I can't do this. I've forgot it all.

I'm not funny. I've never been funny.

My brain's seized up.

My tongue dun't work.

Nah, I'm going home.

Never you mind, chap. Huh?

Never you mind.

If this doesn't work out,

you've always got the factory

to go back to.

MAN: Danny?

Danny Fearon?

You're on next.

Next!

He's getting crabby.

Next!

It's been a very long week.

Well, come on then.

I'd like to be home before midnight.

Well, come on then.

I'd like to be home before midnight.

Next!

(CHUCKLES)

(AS TOMMY COOPER)

(CHUCKLES)

(AS TOMMY COOPER)

Thank you very much.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,

you may have seen

Now, ladies and gentlemen,

you may have seen

some of these impressions before,

you may have seen

but not in colour.

(ALL LAUGH)

I'm glad you thought that was funny,

my mum thinks

I'm in double geography.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

(LAUGHTER)

Thank you very much.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

If he can do that on live TV,

the world's his oyster.

If he can do that on live TV,

What?

I said if he can do that on live TV,

the world's his oyster!

What?

Yeah?

Ha-ha! Didn't he do well, hey?

Thank you.

Oh, lovely. Lovely. Ta.

(CHEERS)

Nice shot for the 'Express & Star'.

Come on, everyone.

Danny, you stand more in the middle.

Everyone laughing.

Danny's hilarious and...

Wh'appen, Danny?

You kill me wid joke

pon the TV, man.

You famous now.

All the best.

You famous now.

All the best.

Thanks.

Danny, I saw you at the Queen Mary.

Can I get your autograph?

Yeah.

Well, well, well.

You look different from

the photo in the paper.

Better lookin'.

Is this your mother?

Yeah, yeah.

Is this your mother?

You need to buy him some vaseline.

Look at this boy.

Him never cream him skin

from the day him born.

If you the boy mother,

you should be ashamed.

Excuse me, madam,

what you name and address?

Valda Graham. Why you wan' for

know me name and address?

Because I goin' pin them

pon your coat

for when them find your corpse

in the street.

Mum? Mum? Mum?

She's just seen me

on the telly, that's all.

She nah gon see nuttin' if me

jook out her eye with me umbrella.

Come on, Mum.

Oh.

You tink say me a joke?

Why you never cream

You tink say me a joke?

Why you never cream

your skin this mornin'?

Me have three gallon of vaseline

in the bathroom.

You can't pass through

an' teef some?

Chuh, man, you make me sick.

MAN: Well done, Danny.

This music sucks snot

from a zombie's arse.

Good beer, though, innit?

Classic beer, chap.

Ooh. Sometimes you gotta endure pain

to get to the true pleasure.

Speaks a bloke who's never had to

dance the hokey-cokey in stilettos.

Speaks a bloke who's never had to

(CHUCKLES)

Well, I'm off to the ladies.

And there'd better be a pint

of mild and bitter

on the bar for me when I get back.

She's all over you like a rash

since you been on the telly.

She wouldn't gob on you

if you was on fire before.

Danny, you was brilliant

on the telly.

Danny, you was brilliant

Will you sign 'ere?

I'm gonna get it tattooed.

It's gonna be bostin.

(WOMAN LAUGH)

Feckin' bitch!

Ugh!

Feckin' bitch!

Ahh! Oh!

You get off my fella! Come 'ere you!

Ahh!

Bridget, get off her!

Ahh!

Bridget, leave her alone! Bridget!

It's classic.

Bridget!

You little...

Bridget, just stop!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

(BOTH WOMEN SCREAM)

Get off her! Ugh!

This one's mine!

Bridget!

Ahh!

Oh!

Ahh!

Get off me! Get off me!

You leave him alone!

He's bloody mine!

You keep your tits to yourself!

You alright?

Sorry. I just saw all over you

You alright?

Sorry. I just saw all over you

and everything went red in me head.

Just...just go and get yourself

sorted out.

Just...just go and get yourself

I'll wait here.

Hi, Danny. Everything alright?

Oh, sorry, Cherry.

I can't talk right now?

I got something going on.

Barman just got a phone call

from Joe Frazier's manager.

Said he's lookin' for

a vicious new sparring partner

Said he's lookin' for

and was your girlfriend available?

(LAUGHS) 100 quid a week

and all the raw meat she can eat.

(LAUGHS) 100 quid a week

(BOTH LAUGH)

You should be on the telly,

(BOTH LAUGH)

You should be on the telly,

you're pretty funny.

Nah, gonna go to uni instead.

Do my exams and get the hell

outta Dudley.

Dudley's great.

Nothin' wrong with Dudley.

Dudley's great.

There is if you look like me or you.

You're on the telly.

Things have changed for you.

But if I don't wanna end up

in a factory,

I've gotta go to university

and be twice as good

I've gotta go to university

before I'm accepted as an equal.

That's what I gotta do.

I've been saying that

since I was three.

I've been saying that

Mission impossible.

Not if you've got half a brain

and a bit of talent.

I've got a bit of talent.

So they say, any road.

Well, we should team up, then.

We could...

We could' what?

Nothing.

We could' what?

(CLEARS THROAT)

Danny, you should introduce me

to your new friend.

Danny, you should introduce me

He's no manners at all. Well?

Bridget, this is...

Don't care. Shall we go?

Thanks.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Jesus. Did you buy

the whole of Woolworths?

Oh, here he is,

here he is, here he is.

Dan the comedy man.

Three-time winner.

All the way through

to the final on 'New Faces'.

Well done, well done, well done.

I only won two heats, actually.

I came second by that skinny

Liverpudlian by one point.

(LIVERPUDLIAN ACCENT)

You alright there, lar?

I'm so skinny, like, I gotta run

around in the shower to get wet.

I'm so skinny, like, I gotta run

Do you know what I mean?

Oh. Oh, thank you.

Shall we sit down?

Let's sit, let's sit, let's sit.

Do you eat chicken at all?

I eat anything.

Not us, I hope.

(LAUGHS) Little joke,

little joke, little joke.

(LAUGHS) Little joke,

Just a little joke.

Jesus, Pop, don't start with

the saying everything

Jesus, Pop, don't start with

the saying everything

three times malarky.

the saying everything

It was a little joke, that's all.

He couldn't eat all three of us.

(CHUCKLES)

There'd be no room for dessert.

(LAUGHS) Just a little joke.

Do you eat cabbage?

Like I said, Mrs O'Riordan,

I eat anything.

Nice dog you got there.

Nice fat haunches.

Nice dog you got there.

(WHIMPERS)

(LAUGHS)

Bridget Sinead Mary O'Riordan,

would you stop?!

Stop it right now, otherwise you'll

have the head on you in the morning.

Stop it right now, otherwise you'll

Danny, would you like a drink?

Firewater.

That's what they drink, don't they?

Firewater.

They love the firewater!

Love the firewater,

They love the firewater!

Love the firewater,

love the firewater!

Love the firewater,

Yes, they do!

Do you eat parsnip?

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

Danny? Nice tux, chap.

Makes a difference.

Oh, aye, nice to see you ain't

in second-hand cast-offs anymore.

When you worked at the Queen Mary,

you looked like

you'd fell in a bin outside Oxfam,

had a fight and lost.

Bri, he's gonna be

on 'New Faces' final soon.

Bri, he's gonna be

Can you give him a friggin' break?

Youse two are supposed to be

Can you give him a friggin' break?

Youse two are supposed to be

managers of this crap hole.

Can you manage not to be arseholes

for five minutes?

I never thought he was that funny.

I'm sitting right here, you know?

What time's he on?

Well, they've eaten, bless 'em.

Then there's

the mass Lindy Hop exhibition.

It's when they're gonna

give themselves all coronaries.

And after the wee break,

Surprise Cabaret's announced

and enters to the theme music

from 'New Faces'.

and enters to the theme music

And Cherry will look after ya,

you know, if you need your plonker

pullin' or anything.

You're the only plonker

I can see round here, Bri.

She just called me a plonker then.

Should sack her.

I'll sack her

when you stop being a plonker.

Right, I'm gonna nip through

and get 'em goin'

Right, I'm gonna nip through

with the Lindy Hop selection.

When that's sorted,

I'll bring you on.

You look really good, Danny.

Just like them guys on the telly.

I wanted to wear Oxford bags,

Just like them guys on the telly.

I wanted to wear Oxford bags,

loafers and a tank top.

I wanted to wear Oxford bags,

All this was Jonesy's idea.

Well, he was right.

You look like

Well, he was right.

You look like

a professional entertainer.

So, do you need anything?

Sandwiches, cocktails...

(COUGHS) ..much better girlfriend.

Excuse me.

What did you just say?

I said, "Do you want a drink

before you go on or anything?"

I'll get a double brandy

and coke, please.

Tap water it is.

Here's where we find out

who the best dancers are.

Let's have your jitterbug,

ladies and gentlemen.

# Baby, baby, it looks like

it's gonna hail

# Baby, baby, it looks like

it's gonna hail

# You better come inside, let me

teach you how to jive and wail

# Oh, you gotta jump, jive,

and then you wail

# You gotta jump, jive,

# Oh, you gotta jump, jive,

and then you wail

# You gotta jump, jive,

and then you wail

# You gotta jump, jive,

and then you wail

and then you wail... #

# You gotta jump, jive,

and then you wail... #

Bloody hell, man,

old people can really...

(SAXOPHONE SOLO)

# Papa's in the icebox

lookin' for a can of ale

# Papa's in the icebox

lookin' for a can of ale

# Papa's in the icebox

lookin' for a can of ale

# Mama's in the backyard

learning how to jive and wail

# Oh, you gotta jump, jive,

and then you wail

# You gotta jump, jive,

# Oh, you gotta jump, jive,

and then you wail

# You gotta jump, jive,

and then you wail

# You gotta jump, jive,

and then you wail

# You gotta jump, jive,

and then you wail

# You gotta jump, jive,

and then you wail

and then you wail away

# You gotta jump, jive,

and then you wail away

You don't even belong

in this here family.

Danny, come back! Them only dancin'.

He was a good dancer, whoever he was.

Made Fred Astaire

look like a paraplegic.

It was you, wasn't it?

Them did say

the 'Surprise Cabaret' gone home

because him get sick

or something like that.

It was you?

Does Dad know?

About 'twinkle toes'?

This is big-people business,

you know, Daniel?

I don't have to explain

anything to you.

You is a pickney.

I'm nearly 18!

And is me payin' the raasclaat bills

roun' here now!

What's his name?!

Wha you wan' know him name for?!

How is it any of your business

who I dance with

when I can't even get

your father to move

from in front of the cricket

on the television?!

from in front of the cricket

Because it's just...

(SIGHS)

It's because

the bloke you were dancing with

It's because

is the spitting image of me.

What you...

What are you talkin' about, Daniel?

You don't look anything like...

Mum, I'm not stupid!

You don't look anything like...

Same colouring, same eyes.

He looks like me.

When I first come here from Jamaica,

I was on me own.

I had to work very hard

to earn money

to send for your father

and the rest of them.

It was me come first.

Why didn't HE come first?

Him stubborn.

Say if I want to go to England

and start a new life,

I should go on ahead and sort it out

and see if tings are alright.

I should send for him,

Dee Dee, Pearl and Lamont.

I came on me own.

Jesus.

If you wan' them find you dead

pon street, you carry on blaspheme.

I come to England.

I look work.

I find it.

And after the first month or so,

when the white girls

stop being afraid of me,

when the white girls

them invite me to a dance.

And that's where I met...

..Calvin Gayle.

Calvin Gayle?

He's a machine operator

at Crossley Industry.

Big hands.

Great rhythm.

Him sweep me off me feet.

And then you went to bed with him?

If you wan' discuss

big-people things,

you have to LISTEN,

have some respect.

I never jus' go to bed.

He was a big married man,

with good hair.

I never want bruk up

for him marriage.

Then why...

Me tell you if you listen!

We dance first.

Once, twice, three time.

We win competition at Wolverhampton,

Birmingham, Stoke.

We wind up in Leicester.

Spent the night.

(HALF-LAUGHS)

We win the competition with

a jitterbug/Lindy Hop combine.

And that was that.

We go to Italian restaurant.

We drink wine.

He say...

.."Myrtle...

"..the way you took

that floor TONIGHT...

"..you was on fire."

Calvin say...

.."Out there..."

"..we were made for each other."

I was stupid.

Does Dad know?

Me fall pregnant with you

in the autumn.

And me have to write

and tell him the situation.

Calvin wouldn't bruk up his family

and I didn't want that either.

I tell Samson...

..if him don't forgive me...

..I will go and make a new life

with you somewhere and...

..that will be that.

Samson write back

and tell me him forgive me.

I don't...

What about Calvin?

Didn't he wanna meet me, hold me?

Him meet you, yes.

Him come to the hospital

and sit with you and burp you.

Him come to the hospital

I send money for you all now.

You love him?

You still love him, don't ya?

Big people have to deal with

situations pickney don't understand.

This was a big-people something...

..and we deal with it

the best way we know how.

Mum says that they've moved on

and that you've forgiven her,

Mum says that they've moved on

but I don't understand.

If they've moved on, then why...

Why they still dancin' together?

She never tell you she could dance?

I mean really dance?

She told me last night.

From the moment

I first meet your mother...

..she was always, "Samson,

why you never take me dancin'?

..she was always, "Samson,

"We never dance. Why?

"Why, Samson, you have

three left feet, you know."

"Why, Samson, you have

And on and on and on.

She was good enough to win prizes,

but she needed the right partner.

Then she came here

and she found Calvin Gayle.

Then she came here

Oh, yes.

Calvin come and then come you.

I'm so sorry, Dad.

What you sorry for?

Bed make, and is we have

What you sorry for?

Bed make, and is we have

to lie down pon it.

Calvin alright, you know.

Him did never wan' take you on.

Too much heartache

and responsibility.

So, ME take you on.

I feel like...

I feel like someone's pulled

my whole world out from under me.

Yes.

Bad news do that to you sometimes.

But listen to me.

Me is a serious somebody, you know.

Life, marriage, children -

all serious things.

You have to commit.

Mrytle not easy, you know.

Calvin like your mother,

but him could never do the hours.

(LAUGHS)

Don't know why I'm laughing.

I've never been so depressed

in all my life.

I'll never win them finals now.

Jesus. I feel sick.

You have your mother's talent.

Just remember,

practice make perfect.

And, if in doubt,

bowl them a googly.

And welcome back.

And as you can see, I have

all the finalist here behind me.

And as you can see, I have

all the finalist here behind me.

I have the winning envelope.

And the winner of New Faces'

All Winners Final,

And the winner of New Faces'

the winner of £10,000

and a limited season

in Las Vegas is...

MAN: Come on, Dan chap!

(ALL SHOUT ENCOURAGEMENT)

Will I make you a coffee, Bridget?

Coffee, coffee, coffee.

(CHUCKLES) Sounds good to me.

(ALL SHOUT ENCOURAGEMENT)

(PEOPLE EXCLAIM EXCITEDLY)

(SOMBRE MUSIC)

Suppose you'll be wanting a lift

back to Dudley.

You ain't gonna make me walk

for comin' third, are ya?

You ain't gonna make me walk

Get in.

Don't pick your nose

or scratch your bum.

Don't say, "Ay?"

Don't say, "You what?"

Act like you was brung up

somewhere decent.

James Broughton is a major

entrepreneur in show business.

He can keep you in work

for a lifetime.

So, mind your manners, and don't

eat your peas off your knife.

Gerrit?

Gorrit.

Gerrit?

Good.

Ahh, gentlemen. Spot of lunch?

Daniel?

You sit beside me, young man.

Now, the sign of a true professional

in this business is when

someone can turn their hand

to any task

and do it to the best

of their ability.

Am I right, Mr Jones?

You what?

Am I right, Mr Jones?

Uh, yeah.

I mean...yes.

We want Danny to have

I mean...yes.

We want Danny to have

on-the-job training.

We want Danny to have

Summer season provides that exactly.

Good money, two shows a night,

six days a week for 26 weeks...

(MUFFLED VOICES)

Some wine, darlin'?

The way you took that dance floor,

you were on FIRE.

And he'll have it

for the rest of his life.

Don't you think, Daniel?

We've got great costumes...

Shall we drink a toast?

(MUFFLED VOICES)

That sounds perfect.

Now, what do you think, Danny?

Danny?!

Yes, perfect.

Danny?!

Me and that show, it'll be magical.

We'll be on fire!

Shall we drink a toast?!

(MUFFLED VOICES)

Come.

Think we should go

somewhere a bit more intimate.

Think we should go

(MUFFLED VOICES CONTINUE)

It's a brave move,

but I think it's the right one.

We'll get the contracts draw up

and signed without delay,

We'll get the contracts draw up

if that's alright with everyone?

Ooh. (CHUCKLES)

Well, I'm glad you're so

enthusiastic about all this, Danny.

I think you're going to be

a wonderful addition.

I think you're going to be

To the Musical Minstrel Cavalcade!

Ay? You what?

(CAMERA FLASH POPS REPEATEDLY)

Jonesy?

What?

No-one in my family's talking to me.

My brother Lamont says

that I've let down

My brother Lamont says

every black person in the country.

That's just bollocks. You're not

every black person in the country.

That's just bollocks. You're not

gonna be a minstrel, are ya?

That's just bollocks. You're not

They're not gonna make you sing,

"Camptown Races sing this song,

doo-dah, doo-dah," are they?

Then why am I dressed

like this, then?

Then why am I dressed

It's a joke, ain't it?

They've had a load of stick

from that race relations lot

about not employing

real black people.

They can't say nothin now,

can they? (CHUCKLES)

They can't say nothin now,

Hey, look, Danny.

Your make-up's coming off now, too.

(LAUGHS)

('CAMPTOWN RACES' PLAYS)

# The Camptown ladies

sing this song

# The Camptown ladies

# Doo-dah, doo-dah

# The Camptown racetrack's

five miles long

# Oh, de doo-dah day

# I went down there

with my hat caved in

# I went down there

# Doo-dah, doo-dah

# I came back home

# Doo-dah, doo-dah

# I came back home

with a pocket full of tin

# I came back home

# Oh, de doo-dah day

# Goin' to run all night

# Goin' to run all day

# I bet my money on a bob-tailed nag

# Somebody bet on the grey. #

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentleman,

please welcome

the Black Country's own

Danny Fearon!

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Now, you may have seen

some of these impressions before,

Now, you may have seen

but not in colour.

You right, Dan?

Yeah, I'm here.

You know Cherry, don't ya, Dan?

Yeah. Yeah, I do.

You alright?

It's nice to see ya.

Oh, this is Tracie.

Say hello to Dan.

Thanks for inviting us, Danny.

Say hello to Dan.

We really enjoyed it.

Um, Dan, Bridget, this is Julie.

She works in Beatties

on the make-up counter up Dudley.

Jesus, why don't you hold up

a sign saying "slag", Terry?

Jesus, why don't you hold up

I'm off to the bog.

Are you coming, Bridget,

or are you glued to lover boy?

Suppose I could squeeze me lemon

before we get to the real drinkin'.

Suppose I could squeeze me lemon

Gin and tonic, make it a triple.

It's gonna be a long friggin' night.

So, uh...how long

have you two been, um...

So, uh...how long

We're just havin' a laugh, ain't we?

More than you did

during tonight's show, I bet.

What's that supposed to mean?

You didn't laugh.

I could see all of ya

and none of you thought it was funny.

You're in a minstrel show,

for Chrissakes.

You're lucky we came at all.

BERN: You're great, Dan.

But it ain't like

the Queen Mary up here, is it?

Not in this show.

You ARE doin' a lot of the stuff

you've been doing

since the Queen Mary, Dan.

I gotta do what works.

The stuff they've seen on the telly

works because they've seen it.

I bloody know what I'm doing.

I just think, while you're stuck

in this ridiculous show,

you might as well try loads

of new things out,

and get them up and running

for when it's all over

and you can do something

you really want to do.

Dan's just...he's just doin'

what he's told.

No. Maybe that's the problem.

You don't look like

you're enjoyin' it.

Why don't you mind

your own business, Cherry?

Why don't you mind

Come on, Danny, this ain't you.

And how would you guys know

Come on, Danny, this ain't you.

And how would you guys know

what is and isn't me?

And how would you guys know

You don't even know who that is.

You only like it

when I'm doin' impressions for ya.

So, come on, then, lads.

Who do you want me to be for you now?

Frank-bastard-Spencer?

Dan?

Frank-bastard-Spencer?

Dan?

Huh?!

Dan?

Dave Allen?

Well, come on, lads, who?

We just want you to be you.

Yeah. Be the Danny

we remember from home.

Yeah. Be the Danny

Just...just piss off, all of ya!

CHERRY: Danny?

Just leave me alone, Cherry.

Charming.

I came up here to see you in

this godforsaken ABORTION of a show.

Not one of your family's

been up here.

It's embarrassing.

Your sister Dee Dee's

ashamed of you.

You don't know

what your talkin' about.

I know YOU, Danny.

You'd twist yourself inside out

to please these people,

You'd twist yourself inside out

and look where it's got you.

Go back in there and sit

with your girlfriend and your mates.

They're supporting you.

It's what friends are for.

GEORGIE: Cherry?

I just wanted to see

if everything was...alright.

Danny, don't mind

all that bollocks, chap.

Danny, don't mind

Come and have a drink?

Come on, Dan.

('CAMPTOWN RACES'

PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND)

CHERRY: Not one of your family's

been up here.

Your sister Dee Dee's

ashamed of you.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

This place wants a flamethrower

taken to it.

Bloody hell, Dan!

Talk about messy.

Don't worry, Jonesy.

I'll give it a nice bit

of elbow grease before we set off.

And then we'll give the room

a good clean as well, right, Danny?

Listen, son.

I just had a phone call

from your guv'nor, James Broughton.

He's so pleased with the business,

he wants to move you up the bill.

You're gonna come on

at the end of part one,

and he wants to extend

the run of the show to November!

and he wants to extend

Danny, that's feckin' brilliant!

Yeah, you get a pay rise

and everything.

You can go on holiday

with Bridget, chap.

Can't wait.

You'll love me in a bikini, Dan.

I'm just like that big blonde

on Pan's People,

except, you know,

with a personality,

except, you know,

and a cuter arse.

Do I have to?

You and your mum signed the papers

for this eventuality way back.

Remember?

Jonesy, I-I...

..I ain't doin' so well up here,

you know, in meself.

I'm drinkin' too much.

I feel stuck, trapped.

This show, it's just...it's wrong.

I don't wanna hear this.

Stuck? Trapped?

I wouldn't mind being stuck and

trapped for what they're paying you.

If you quit now,

you get a reputation.

"Yeah, that darkie kid

off the telly's unreliable."

Oh, Bridget,

talk some sense into him?

Bridget, look, I'm thinking...

..I don't finish this, I go home,

Bridget, look, I'm thinking...

..I don't finish this, I go home,

I speak to me dad.

Yeah. See if I can get me old job

back at the factory.

Yeah. See if I can get me old job

Me and you could be in my room,

till I save up enough money

Me and you could be in my room,

till I save up enough money

so we can get a place of our own...

till I save up enough money

Are you stupid?

Danny Fearon, you're a big star now,

and what you do up there

is a piece of piss.

Don't be an eejit.

Take their money,

keep your cakehole closed,

Take their money,

and we'll be away on our holidays.

Keep your chin up, Danny boy.

Sure, it's not like

you're in jail or nothin'.

(SOMBRE MUSIC)

(INAUDIBLE)

I know what you're all thinking.

"He's a lot bigger

than I was expecting."

"He's a lot bigger

Well, let me tell you,

you're all a lot whiter

than I was expecting.

(ONE PERSON LAUGHS)

Thanks, Mum.

Go on.

You alright, Dan?

You look terrible.

Yeah, I'm alright.

Yes, and for me,

I'm Aretha Franklin.

I did tell you, you wan' sign

contract with the white man,

that's how tings go.

Lamont, you never said nothin'.

You've only ever seen me

on the telly.

You don't know

what I'm goin' through.

You've never once encouraged me.

And now that I'm stuck, all you can

do is sit here slaggin' me off!

And now that I'm stuck, all you can

You ain't nothin but a prat, Lamont!

(ALL MUTTER)

Ah, fe him fault. Move from me.

Him wan' play the white man,

this whagwan.

Sit down!

SAMSON: What wrong with you?

DANNY: Don't know.

Stop talkin' foolishness.

I'm just...

Everything was great, and now it's...

Now it's...

What you hittin' me for?

You gettin' more money

What you hittin' me for?

You gettin' more money

for 10 minutes work

You gettin' more money

than I earn in an entire week?

You a paying the TV,

the mortgage, the phone,

buying clothes for the pickney dem.

You know how that make me feel?

It make me feel worthless.

(TSKS)

Got myself into this situation

and don't know

Got myself into this situation

and don't know

how to get myself out of it.

Daniel, if even with all the money

these people payin' you,

you don't want to do this show,

just bowl them a googly.

Yes, man, bowl them a googly.

Them will soon surprise

and mess up the whole someting.

(LAUGHS)

(COUGHS)

Uh...

Oh, come.

# 'Cause when

I'm paddlin' Madeline home

# Gee, when I'm paddlin'

Madeline home... #

BROUGHTON: "Dear Danny.

"It has been brought to my attention

that your behaviour

"has become increasingly erratic

over the last few weeks.

"Stage management

have reported drunkenness,

"a surly attitude,

and a lax approach to time keeping.

"a surly attitude,

"Consider this a warning."

# Paddlin' Madeline home

# Paddlin' Madeline

# Sweet, sweet Madeline

# Paddlin' Madeline

# Paddlin' Madeline home. #

(WHISTLES)

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,

you may have seen

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,

you may have seen

some of these impressions before,

you may have seen

but not in colour.

From TV's 'New Faces',

it's Danny Fearon!

(LAUGHTER)

(AUDIENCE GASPS)

Thought I'd try something

a bit different today,

Thought I'd try something

ladies and gentlemen.

Bit of new material.

Old ladies down there going, "Shame

you didn't find some new material

"to put over your meat

and two veg, ya bastard."

Get him off there now!

(LAUGHS)

Boof!

(BAND PLAYS LIGHT MUSIC)

(MICROPHONE FEEDBACK)

Two black guys in Mississippi,

one of them says,

"Clarence, what would you do if you

got a letter from the Ku Klux Klan

"sayin', 'Get the hell out of town,

nigger, or else'"?

And Clarence says, "Leroy,

I read that shit on the train."

(LAUGHS)

How dare you!

How dare you bring this filth

to my production?!

How dare you bring this filth

Get him off the stage!

Ohh! You black twat!

You are very much fired!

And you'll be hearing

You are very much fired!

And you'll be hearing

from my lawyers!

And you'll be hearing

I just bowled you a googly.

Dad was right. Googly's rule!

(LAUGHS)

Look, Jonesy...

JONESY: Shut your mouth.

This is now null and void.

Broughton wants nothin'

to do with you.

Broughton wants nothin'

I want nothin' to do with you.

You can all piss off back to Jamaica

and die, for all I care!

SAMSON: If it was me, I should've

shoved him up the backside

SAMSON: If it was me, I should've

when we had the chance.

What happened to him?

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO)

What the...?

Turn off the song.

Them sack you from show business

and you dance?

Them sack you from show business

You lost your mind fe true?

How you gonna live?

Why aren't you on my side?

Daniel, your manager gone.

Your girlfriend gone.

Soon as

that likkle bangarang realise

the golden goose gone, she flee.

You have to pick yourself up

the golden goose gone, she flee.

You have to pick yourself up

and go back out there

You have to pick yourself up

and do what you do before.

I'm not gonna do that, Mum.

This is what I am now, Mum.

I'm not gonna do that, Mum.

This is what I am now, Mum.

Yes, a bumbaclaat idiot!

(IMITATES BRUCE FORSYTH)

That is correct, my love.

For £5, live right here

on 'The Generation Game',

The correct answer from

the grumpy Jamaican lady is,

The correct answer from

a bumbaclaat idiot.

(ALL LAUGH)

(SOMBRE ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS)

(ORGAN MUSIC STOPS)

DANNY I just wanted to say

a few words about my...

..about my dad.

I asked him once

how he came to this country,

and he'd say

"I come to Hingland in, um...

"..a boat."

(SOFT LAUGHTER)

I remember when I was a kid,

watching him dig out this old

stubborn tree root in the backyard,

and he had his shirt off

and he was all muscle.

I was in awe.

I asked him, "Dad, how come

you've got all them muscles?

"Do you go to the gym?'

And he'd say,

"Jamaican man don't need gym.

And he'd say,

"We had slavery.

"Cheaper."

(SOFT LAUGHTER)

He was a serious man.

He didn't dance.

He didn't tell jokes or sing.

He didn't hug or kiss,

or say, "I love you."

Typical Jamaican father.

I remember I fell over

in the street once,

I remember I fell over

right in the middle of the street.

And my dad was already

on the other side of the road.

I said, "Daddy!"

And I was bawlin'.

And he turned and he said,

"You stay there and bawl.

"74 bus gonna run over your claat."

(SOFT LAUGHTER)

Bostin speech that was today, chap.

Sound as a pound.

Look, I'm gonna get more drinks.

Same again?

Yeah.

You do look good.

Are you trying to pull me

at your dad's funeral?

No, no. Uh...

I was gonna...

I loved the eulogy, Dan.

It was beautiful.

Funny and...and heartfelt

and about something, you know?

It was about you,

and about all of us.

Those stories about your dad,

brilliant.

I've got stories

about the whole family,

I've got stories

loads of 'em, a lifetime's worth.

Brilliant.

Maybe you should

try them out somewhere.

Maybe you should

Bet the audiences would love that.

Hm.

You ever thought about,

Hm.

You ever thought about,

um...management?

(LAUGHS) Shut up

and take a compliment.

I'm trying to pull you

at your dad's funeral.

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian

Broadcasting Corporation

Danny and the Human Zoo (2015) - full transcript