Danny Bhoy: Subject to Change (2010) - full transcript

Oh, thanks. Oh.

Thank you very much.

Thank you, folks.

Thank you so much.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you.

Hello.

Well, it's-it's, it's a, it's a genuine delight to be here.

Thank you so much for coming out to this very special show,

and I don't do this everywhere.

'Cause this, I-I decided to

create quite a Scottish, uh, feel because, uh, this, uh, show

is gonna shown in America.

And, uh, I wanted to tell them that I was Scottish.

'Cause I don't look Scottish.

Uh, I know that.

I'm half-Scottish, half-Indian, in fact, which is, you know, is

fine.

It means, unlike most Scots, I

don't get sunburned watching fireworks. Uh...

So there you have it.

I'm a half-Scottish, half-Indian comic doing a show for an

American audience in a Canadian city... that's 80% French.

Uh...

I guess I've ticked most of the

boxes there, if not all of them.

It's very weird,'cause I didn't know just how French, uh,

Montreal was.

I mean, I don't, I don't really speak French.

I do that embarrassing thing every so often of, uh, I-I-I

speak English in a French accent.

I... I kind of think it's helping... the French speakers

out.

I don't know why.

I did it in Edinburgh last year.

I was in a, I was walking down the street and this French

couple came up and asked me for directions to Edinburgh Castle.

Said, "Excuse me, do you know the way to Edinburgh Castle?"

And I went...:"Yes."

I don't know why I did that.

And I couldn't stop when I started, you know?

So I said: "You have to go down here and you

take a right and you go, you know, just..."

He says, "Are you French?": "No!

No, I am Scot-teesh."

"Then why are you talking like me?"

"Because I'm an asshole."

"I am an asshole, too... I am

English.

I thought you were French."

I might as well share this with you.

I had a very, uh, interesting...

a very funny, I should say, e-mail today.

I'm not a big fan of e-mailand... and stuff.

I'm a bit of a technophobe, you know?

I don't like all that...

I've only just got on Ethernet.

People say, oh, it's amazing, this thing, but I quite like

still going to the library to get my information.

People say, "Well, the Internet's a library in your own

home, Danny."

Well, there are subtle differences, aren't there? Yeah.

One of things I like about my local library is I don't get

someone popping out every 30s, you know, going, "Hey,

want a bigger dick?"No, I'm just gonna get that...

Gonna get that-that book.

Thank you.

"Okay, I'll be back in 30 seconds."

No, don't-don't do that.

I can't be dealing with it.

You know all these people that get obsessed by the latest

gadgets and, "Oh, have you got wireless, Danny?"

"No, I don't."

"Oh, you're living in the Dark Ages."

You know, piss off.

And shut the drawbridge on your way out. And...

I can't be... And even e-mail,

you know, because, look, I like the old days of letter writing,

you know, and people don't do letter writing enough anymore,

you know, because the thing about e-mail is... it's too

instant, so they get all that anger and aggression that you're

feeling at the moment, you know?

People write you, send you an e-mail and you don't like it,

reply, "Fuck...

Don't talk to me like that.

How dare you speak to me like that?" Send.

And then, "Shit! Fuck!

Is that gone? Shit! Is it..."

Escape! Escape!

Turn off monitor.

Pull-pull the plug out the wall.

My mum did that.

My mum sent me an e-mail when she was drunk, and, uh...

This is true.

She phoned me up the next day and said, "Danny, I sent you an

e-mail, but I was drunk, but you shouldn't have got it... I pulled

the plug out of the wall."

I had to pretend I didn't get it.

I said, "No, Mum, I didn't get it, no.

I still think he's my real dad."

But, uh...

Ooh. Uh...

No, but... no, but I got this really funny e-mail today, and,

uh...

Do you know all these astronauts that have just gone into space?

I think one of them's Canadian.

Is that right?MAN: Two of them.

Two of them are Canadian.

Oh, look at you.

"Two of them, actually."

Two Canadians have gone into

space... sounds like the beginning of a joke, doesn't it?

Two Canadians go into space.

One says to the other, "Eh, great, eh?"

"Yah!"

Um...

Two... these two Canadians...

And someone sent me an e-mail.

I thought it was hilarious when I opened it, because... just the

suggestion, uh, that... this guy had written, for a laugh,

"Wouldn't it be funny if when those astronauts come back down

from their voyage in space, for a laugh we all dress up as

monkeys."

I love that... I love the idea of

an entire planet playing a practical joke on five people.

Five people turn up, and we're

all...

Yeah.

I thought it was funny.

It is lovely to be here in-in-in Canada, and, uh...

You know, the first thing my friends said to me when I said

I'm off to Canada, they said,"Oh, watch out for the bears,

Danny."

And then they said, "If you see an angry bear, pretend to be

dead."

I was, "Fuck, I won't be pretending for long."

It's a bear that's already angry, right?

Surely I shouldn't be playing a practical joke on it.

It's not in the right frame of mind.

This thing... And I'm...

I'm dead, I'm dead.

Don't you hate people giving you... I hate these people that

give you advice on dangerous animals.

It's all bullshit, isn't it?

If you see any dangerous animal, run, just run.

Hope for the best.

I was in Australia last month, and... oh, some Australians,

then. Or just...

...or fans of months.

I don't know.

I don't what you're applauding.

And I was over there in, uh, in Australia, and I went to go on a

safari to Kakadu National Park.

It's a wonderful wildlife park.

And I booked the safari, but then I got home that day, and on

the news, there was a story that two crocodiles had sneaked into

the tourist part of the park...

and actually... on their own, I don't think they joined a tour.

"Uh, two, please."

"Well, we're booked... you'll

just have to check again. Uh..."

Very str... very interesting creatures, crocodiles.

I don't know if you know this about them, but... a crocodile

is a very fast creature.

I know, they look slow, don't they, but... a crocodile is

faster than a horse over the first hundred meters.

I don't know how many horses it took to find that out, but...

"Go on, mate! Go on! Go on! Oh!

Unlucky!

Line'em up, Mary. Uh..."

But a... but a... but a

crocodile is also a master of stillness.

Crocodiles can stay in one place for up to eight or nine hours.

It's the ultimate predator.

Just there. Just the eyes, you see, waiting, waiting for some,

you know... fuckwit.

You know, German backpacker or something.

Didn't see the news.

Valtzing Matilda...

"Ja, Hans.

Look how close ve are to the vater.

Vhy don't we camp here for the evening?"

"Yeah, it's a very good idea, Fritz."

"T... Tell me something, Hans.

Do you zink we are gay?"Certainly appears that way,

Fritz.

Have you noticed neither of us can talk without stroking ze...

the nipple area?" "Ja, I noticed this, too, Hans.

What vill we tell our vives?"That's my German accent.

It's always very camp.

God help me if a German ever asked me for directions to

Edinburgh Castle.

"Do you know the way to the castle?"

"Yes, I do.

Chase me, chase me."

You know...

Thank you very much.

I live in fear of these moments.

Did you watch the... talking of Germans... um, I've got, like, a

whole lot of, uh, channels on my TV here.

That's one of the things I love about coming to Canada... I got

millions of channels.

Like, back home I've only got four.

I've got the Christian Channel and the God Channel.

What's all that about?

Who's watching the Christian Channel, going, "Oh, no, this

isn't hard-core enough for me, eh?

I want to get my message straight from the horse's

mouth."

I turned on the God Channel this morning.

I was lying in bed.

This televangelist screaming at me, "You may not know this, but

today you have already sinned."

I've just got up.

What could I possibly have done?

I turned to my sister... she didn't know.

The point I'm trying to make is it's confusing. It's confusing?

It's confusing?

But I've got all these foreign channels as well, you see?

The French and the Italian channel...

I love watching foreign channels, even though I don't

understand what's going on.

You know, I love watching the...

uh, they've got the, um... well, they have the German channel.

Have you ever seen the German lottery? It's great.

They don't pick six winning numbers... they eliminate 43.

It lasts for four hours.

"Next up, ball number 29.

Not so lucky, I zink, zis week."

I'm not making that up.

You can check.

They've got the Italian channel.

Oh, have you ever seen the Italian Parliament in session?

It's great,'cause... I think they've had 28 governments since

the end of the Second World War, the Italians.

'Cause they... it gets violent.

People have fights and stuff.

Compare that to the British Parliament, which is very dull.

It's all gray men, you know, drunk... most of the time.

Just...

"Is the prime minister aware of the problems facing

the fishing industry... in Great Britain?"

And all his members on his side of the house just go...

Nothing ever happens for hours.

But the Italian Parliament is like theater.

It's really animated.

One guy gets up to question the government of the day, right?

The opposition.

"Eh...

What-a...

Uh... uh...

What does the government plan to do about investment in education

in Italy?"And the...

And...

And the Minister for Education, he gets up nice and cool, right?

Gets up to reply.

"Eh...

It's a very good... a very good question.

What do I plan to do about investment in education in

Italy?

Ah, I know.

Fuck you!

Huh?

Fuck you, fuck investment, huh?

Huh?

You want to invest, invest in this, huh, you fucking..."

Do you know actually, someone told me after a show the other

day that that one...

Sir, I bet you're glad you satin the front row now.

That one...

When, um, Italians do that, they do the ball grab thing, it's not

an insult.

I think in American society, it's an insult, right?

"You know, fuck you, you...

fuck.

I'm-I'm walking here.

I'm, you know, talking here."

Something like that.

But, um, in Italy, it actually means "good luck."

I'm not making that up.

"Hey, you, you know, good-good luck there.

I hear you've got your driving test today.

Oh, you know, so..."

Can you imagine being at your kid's sports day in Italy?

All the kids lined up for the hundred meters, all the dads at

the side.

"Where's my little Luigi?

Hey, Luigi, Luigi!

Come on, eh?

Yes, that's from me, that's from your mother.

Come on.

It's your best event.

Come on."

Ah, dear. Well...

It's very interesting actually,'cause we have a... I guess we

have a perception in Europe of the Italian man being, like, the

naturally, the most romantic man of Europe, you know.

They're the guys, ladies, that turn up outside your door in the

middle of the night, slicked back hair, black polo neck,

bottle of Chianti, you know.

Chianti, is it?

Chia-Chia-Chianti.

All right.

All right, geez.

"And there was two astronauts."

Chianti.

And a...

And they're very... they're very cool and...

"Buongiorno."

That's the first thing an Italian man will say to you.

"Buongiorno."

You can feel that going down your body.

"Buongiorno."

Ooh, that's lovely.

Eh?

Compare that to what Scottish men, how they greet their

girlfriends.

"All right?!

You all right?

You ready?

You're not ready?

Come on."

"Buongiorno"says take your time, you are beautiful, you

know.

I... But actually I was in Italy last year, and the men

aren't that.

They have a weird flirting ritual, the Italian men.

They stand outside the fountain sat night, and if a good-looking

woman walks by, they sort of do,"Hey, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh."

In my head, all Italian men appear to have evolved from

R2-D2, which is probably...

slightly inaccurate.

Although ironic,'cause Englishmen, when they're chatting

people up, they're more like C-3PO.

"A dance? Mm, how marvelous.

Mm, yes, yes."

Us Scots are more like

Chewbacca.

And that's the women I'm talking

about, so...

Oh, yeah.

No, but, um...

Anyways, uh, look.

What was it?

Yes, so this...

I wanted to go on a safari.

And, uh...

This will happen a lot, by the way.

Um, I wanted to go on a safari, but I've read about these two

crocodiles on the loose, and I thought, "God, I don't... I

don't want to go on it now."

I'm a bit scared of those kind of things.

So I went to the guy who runs the safari, I said, "Look, I

don't want to go anymore."

He says, "Mate, Mate, Mate!"I say, "You don't just shout...

I'm just here."

I probably won't go on a safari anyway with a man that can't

whisper, you know?

That's...

"I don't understand it either, mate, there's usually loads of

birds around here this time of night!"

"Yeah, weird, very weird."

So he says, "Mate, don't you worry about the crocs, mate.

If a crocodile jumps out at you, you got to run away in a

zigzag."

That's true... zigzag pattern.

That's the way you've got to runaway...

I said, "What am I trying to do... paralyze it with laughter?"

He says, "Mate, a crocodile's not as quick if it has to turn."

I said, "Neither am I."

You know...

D-Don't choose something we're both shit at.

He says, "Mate, there's nothing you can do a crocodile can't do

better."

I was... Come on, that's bullshit...

Pole vault.

Give me a pole... I've never seen a crocodile...

I've never seen a crocodile pole vault anywhere.

Give me a big pole.

People are so obsessed by all these bloody dangers.

I don't like, uh, particularly, uh, reptiles, you know?

I hate... I get all... I-I...

I got a bit of a phobia about them.

I've just been, like I said, traveling around Australia and,

uh, I checked into a motel in the far northwest of Australia,

a place called Karratha.

A motel is like a hotel, uh, in the same way a McDonald's is

like a restaurant.

Right, huh?

They're not great places.

And it was in a mining part of the country.

Oh, yeah, living the dream.

And I checked into this motel, and there was a... there was a

lizard on the wall.

Right?

About that size.

Straightaway, and I-looking at me, like that.

Said, "What the f... hell is that?"

I thought it was a... an ornament at first, but it was

breathing through its neck.

I said, "That's not right."

Just...

So I thought I'll change rooms, I can't-I can't sleep with that

thing...

I phoned up reception, I says,"Hi, uh, I've just checked in.

There-There appears to be a small dinosaur, uh...

in my room."

This is what the guy said:"Aw, yeah, mate, yeah.

That's a gecko."

And he hung up.

As if that's all I wanted to know.

"Hello, oh, there seems to be a smell of shit in my room.

Oh, someone took a shit on my pillow?

Oh, thanks, that's great, yes, that's..."

I phoned back, I said, "Hi, uh, me again.

It-It wasn't a trivia question.

I...

I want to know what to do about the bloody... gecko."

He says, "Mate, you can't do nothing about the geckos.

Bloody geckos bloody everywhere, mate, bloody gecko."

And so this thing's on the fuckin" wall like that.

And I thought, well, I just have to ignore it, right?

So I go into this bed in-in this motel room.

This... That's the other thing:every... Look, that's not just

Australia... every single hotel or motel bed you stay in in the

world...

Have you experienced this?

Why do they feel the need to tuck the bedsheets so tight

into the mattress?

Where am I gonna go?

What is the concern here?

You can't get in.

I'm not kidding... last night, here, I had to slide down from

the back wall of my own hotel into the sheets.

I f... I felt like I was being faxed.

And then...

I'm sure there was another room

in the hotel receiving my legs.

But then you get in, don't...

you get into the hotel bed and you go, "Well, that... I guess

that's me for the night.

Yeah, probably won't be moving much now.

Put... Put the arms in there.

Probably won't be doing what I usually do at this time of

night."

What?

Reading my Bible is what I'm talking about.

You ever done that thing of, um, being in a hotel bed and you've

rolled over in the middle of the night and you feel your ass

cheeks slowly parting...

Hang on a minute, I need to go back a step.

We'll edit this.

Uh...

I'm talking about when they push two single beds together

to make one double bed.

I probably need to do that bit first.

Everyone was, "Ass cheeks?

No, I haven't felt my ass cheeks parting.

Well, what kind of f... kind of hotels is this guy staying in?

He did say hotel, didn't he?

Not backpacker?"Um...

And then you find yourself in the-the groove.

All right, okay.

I tell you another thing about hotels... what is it with the

hair dryers they put in one wall of the bathroom?

You go, "Oh, there's a hairdryer, that's quite handy."

You pick it off, it's got all the impact of an elderly

relative breathing on your head, doesn't it?

Is this on?

It's on full.

Well, this would be ideal if the

look I was going for was hot and wet.

Anyways...

Uh, yes, so I'm in this hotel room and I'm in the bed now.

This thing's still looking...

You see, they've got no eyelids, geckos.

Did-Did you know that?

That's the only look they've got.

As if you've got the problem.

"What is it, what you looking at?"

Well, you're staring at me.

"Uh, this is the only look I've got, pal."

So I thought I'll just have to ignore this gecko, right?

I turned out the light.

No one told me this: that's when the bloody thing comes to life.

I heard this:

And that's it running across the wall.

I turned on the light, and it's...

Looking all innocent.

"What is it?"What do you mean, what is it?

You were there and you're now there.

We both know you've moved, pal.

"Can't prove anything."

It's horrible. Do you know, atone point, I turned on the

light, I couldn't see it.

And I look up... it was on the bloody ceiling and I screamed.

It drops from the ceiling,

honestly, onto my chest.

But the sheets were so tight, I couldn't get it off.

Do you know what I did?

I started blowing on the gecko.

That was my defense.

Please get off me.

Gecko's loving it.

"This is lovely, this is.

I usually have to straddle the hair dryer for this kind of

treatment."

Bloody things.

But, look, the point I'm making is I-I don't... I really don't

like all these creepy crawlies and dangerous animals.

It's why I like living in Scotland,'cause we've got

nothing like that.

We've got no dangerous animals at all.

It's quite freakish.

It's almost like when Noah, uh, was traveling around the world,

he didn't come back to Scotland.

Or-or maybe he didn't go therein the first place, if you think

about what his message was.

He wouldn't have got a great reception, would he?

"Hello, Scotland!

I am Noah!"Hi.

What's up?"I, uh...

I have a message from God!"Uh-huh."

"There is to be 40 days and nights of rain!"

"Do you know you're in Scotland?

We're on 55 at the moment, pal.

It's not a great prediction, is it?"

Do you know, if I'd been Noah... I was thinking about this

today... if I'd been Noah, I'd have been a lot more discerning

about who got on that ark and who didn't.

He could've wiped out entire species of animals.

If I'd been Noah and I'd seen two rats coming up that plank,

I'd have gone...

"Ha-ha. And, uh, where do you think you're going?"

"I'm going on the...

I'm going on the ark.

I've-I've got an invite.

Rat plus one. That's...

that's him.

Yes, I'm the female."

"I don't... I don't give a shit.

Piss off.

And take the mosquitoes with you."

"But our entire species will be wiped out in the flood."

"Boo-fucking-hoo.

You're a rat.

Eh, you should have thought about that before you killed

half of Europe in the plague.

Admittedly, not for another 1400 years.

But that's not the point.

I'm a visionary.

That's how I got this job."

It must have been tough.

I guess it was tough being Noah, you know, not knowing what all

the animals, you know, the checklist there and all these

things turning up.

What the hell is that?

Pointing at you.

"Uh, I'm an anteater."

"All right, uh, let's have a look.

Oh, uh, yeah, on you...

Oh, hang on. I need a... I need a word with you two."

"Oh, what? What is it?"As you know, there's only two

of everything on that ship.

Don't look all innocent.

If they go missing, I fucking know it's you two, right?

Noses clean, the pair of you."

Two anteaters sloping off.

"Nice going, dickhead.

What'd you tell him we were anteaters for?"

"Did you just call me a dickhead?

You want to look in the mirror, pal?"

I don't know.

I don't know. It's all, uh...

But then, you know, so many animals look the same as well.

How did he know who was just put on and who was not put on?

Two things coming up there, do you know.

"Hey, going just on the ark there, waiting to get on."

And Noah says, "Sorry.

I'm really sorry.

I've already put two of you guy son."

"Eh?"Yeah, those two that just went

on."

"Oh, no, no, no, no.

They were moose.

Yeah. We're stag, you see?

You see? We're stag."

And Noah's panicking.

"Oh, shit. Sorry. On you go.

Oh, someone go and get the black and white horses.

Tell'em they can come back.

It's, uh..."

I don't know. I don't know.

Anyways, uh, so that's, uh...

Uh, that's that.

But, uh, yeah, so we don't have any dangerous animals in

Scotland.

I should have asked if there's any Scottish people in,

actually.

I feel...

Eh!

Oh. S-Someone just...

someone nearly died there.

"Oh, thank God.

It was my last breath."

Um, Sc-Scottish people, give me a cheer if you're...

Yay.

That was pathetic, yeah.

"Yay."

You'd have been good in William Wallace's day, wouldn't you, eh?

"Come on.

Let's go fight for our freedom."

"Yay.

What time will we be back, William?

I've got to run the kids a bath."

Goodness me.

That's a bit of a strange laugh.

I don't know if you read this in the... in the news that, um...

'Cause obviously there's a lot of shit happening in the news at

the moment with, uh, this credit crunch and all that.

Have you... You experiencing that credit crunch here?

Yeah.

One. One person.

That's good.

Look at the rest of you.

"Credit crunch?

What, is that a new cereal?

I don't know."

I-I don't understand it, right?

How can a bank be in debt?

Does no one address that?

You know, a bank, you've-you've got all the money and stuff.

If-if you're in debt, send someone off to the main

computer, tell them to go to Debts, select all, delete.

That's it.

That's all you need to do.

Then we're all in the clear, right?

'Cause it is.

It's just figures, at the end of the day.

Do you know what really annoyed me?

I got a letter from my bank.

My bank is the Royal Bank of Scotland, right?

It's one of the ones in the real shit.

They've somehow managed to lose more money than a... epileptic

at an auction.

And they...

That'll work.

It's good, that one, isn't it?

I took the week off when I wrote that.

No, but...

No, the... but...

Royal Bank of Scotland sent me a letter.

"Dear Mr Bhoy..."

"Oh, there's a warning straightaway.

I was Danny when I opened the account."

"Dear Mr Bhoy, we regret to inform you on your last

statement you went £2.36 overdrawn.

Therefore you've incurred a £25 penalty."

"What?"I wrote back, "Dear sir, thank

you for informing me of my £25 penalty for going £2.36

overdrawn.

However, I notice on your last statement...

you're £500 billion overdrawn.

I was wondering if we may be able to come to some kind of

compromise."

But... but hear now...

Look at this. Get...

get this.

They wrote back.

Didn't get the sarcasm in it, wrote back, "Dear Mr Bhoy, on

this occasion, we are prepared to waive the charge."

Fair enough. You know.

Um, but, no, one of the most alarming pieces of news

I've-I've read of late is-is about Scotland.

Because I don't know if you know this, but we in Scotland,

according to the World Health Organization... or as they're

known in Glasgow, who? uh...

according to the...

"Who? Wh...

Never heard of that."

The World Health Organization, we in Scotland, now, officially,

officially have the worst diet in the world.

In the world, mind.

That includes African countries, countries with no food at all.

It's actually better now to have... and let's get this

right... no food at all than Scottish food.

Freedom!

Made me think about when I was a kid.

'Cause when I was a kid, if I didn't eat everything on my

plate, my mum would always say the same thing.

"Danny, there are kids in Africa who'd give their right arm for

what you've left on that plate."

I had no idea at the same time African mothers were telling

their kids similar stories about us.

"Really, Moabi, you are hungry?

Well, there are kids in Scotland chewing on a black pudding that

would love to be as hungry as you."

But here's the thing, you can tell an awful lot about a

country from what it eats first thing in the morning.

Your breakfast, I think, tells you a lot about who you are as a

country.

We in Scotland, we like anything for breakfast.

Bacon, sausage, eggs, beans, chips, burgers.

Bring out your dead.

We shall have it.

So long as it's deep-fried, we don't give a shit.

It's-it's a message.

It's what gave us 300 years of independence.

The English used to run up to the border and see us chewing on

a black pudding and go, "Call off the attack.

Look at what they're prepared to do to themselves."

Huh? That's the robustness of the Scottish breakfast.

Well, you compare that to the French breakfast.

For God's sake.

"A croissant.

Eh...

Me, I'll have just a little croissant.

Eh...

And then I will have to lie down.

Because I will be quite full.

After my little croissant."

That's not a breakfast... it's a bit of pastry, for God's sake.

We-we put that on top of a meat pie.

Uh...

It says a lot about the French, though, the old croissant,

doesn't it?

It says, "We are flaky and a little bit gay.

That is... that is basically who we are."

Ooh. I just remembered where I am.

That's probably not the best...

Do you know, um, the-the Spanish just have a-a bit of yogurt and

some fruit for breakfast.

Uh, suppose you don't want anything too heavy if you're off

to bed in a couple of hours.

Um...

I'd try... I-I love the idea of the siesta.

Why-why don't we all do that?

That's a great...

We're all tired at that time of the day, right?

I love the fact the Spanish have...

How great is that?

At some point in history, they've all been in a board

meeting in Spain.

You know, one guy just went...

"Hey,

Sebastian.

Are you tired?

Sorry. Just asking..."

"Yes, I'm very tired.

I'm very tired."

"Oh, interesting.

Sorry to interrupt.

H-How many people are tired?

Oh, we're all tired.

Let's go to bed, huh?

One hour?

Two hours? Two hours, eh?"Why-why don't we do that?

It's just as well we don't have a siesta in Scotland.

We'd have to get up and have another one of those breakfasts.

We'd be dead by the age of 25.

The Swiss have muesli for breakfast.

You ever done that?

Bloody sawdust and raisins, that?

The f...

You ever poured milk into a bowl of muesli?

The milk comes flying back out!

It doesn't even...

It sort of hits that protective dust shield.

Huh.

Hey, how typically Swiss is that?

Even the milk doesn't want to get involved.

Everything stays independent, neutral, separate, you know?

Actually, the most interesting,

uh, weirdly is the, uh... is the Germans.

The Germans are, you know...

Because in Bavaria, in Germany, they have liver for breakfast,

which is int...

Liver for breakfast! Crikey!

Hey.

"I have just voken up!

My eyes are barely open.

Bring me a vital organ!"

"Bring..."

"Bring me the filtering gland of

a dead beast."

I don't know.

So, anyway, the point is, we...

we have the worst, you know, diet in the world in Scotland.

I don't care.

Every country has its faults, you know.

I don't mind our food in Scotland.

I'd rather be known for bad food than all that pretentious food

you get nowadays.

You know all that...?

I was...

Look, I went to the Old Town the other night for a nice meal.

Very nice it was, but very pretentious.

You know, the first thing the waiter asked me.

Uh, "What kind of bread would you like with your meal?"

"Uh... sliced white?

Have you got any of the sliced white stuff?

The sliced... you know, the sliced stuff?"

What the hell?

And when...

And the menu came.

You don't just get a piece of meat anymore.

You get the entire C.V. of the animal.

What's a wild duck?

What's a wild duck?

Is that gonna come with sunglasses and a leather jacket?

Hey, on the back of a motorbike.

"They're lucky they caught me."

You know?

"Are you French?"Yes, I appear to be, uh,

French.

It will happen."

The...wild duck.

The chicken was...

The chicken was not just chicken.

No, it couldn't just be chicken.

Had to be corn-fed, farm-reared breast of chicken.

What the...?

I don't care about its childhood.

It's a chicken.

Corn-fed, farm-reared, good at tennis.

It's a fucking chicken.

We're gonna eat it.

Do you think the chicken knows it's corn-fed?

Do...?

I mean, are they there in the barn separated?

Is there a divide between the, you know, the corn-fed chickens

over there and the-the grain-fed chicken?

The scrawny-looking shit's going off to KFC or something, you

know.

"Oh, this bloody grain!"

"Oh, it's disgusting!

That's..."

And all the corn-fed...

"Yeah, a belly full of corn."

"Are you French again?"Yes, I'm French again."

I've been here a week.

That's what's happening, and...

And corn, lovely corn for the corn-fed chicken.

You know, there'll be...

And-and the grain... the grain-fed chicken's getting

increasingly annoyed over time, you know.

"All this bloody...

What's so special about those..."

"Just fucking look at those.

Look at them rubbing it in.

Look at that guy there."

"It's French."

"What-what guy? What guy?

What guy? What guy?"That-that-that-that-that...

that guy there, the...

That guy."

"What? That guy there?"No, no.

Not that guy.

That-that-that guy."

"I can't tell who you mean.

You're going' That guy.'There's 5,000 chickens over

there."

It was that guy there.

Should have done that in the first place, shouldn't I?

Look... hey.

Look, the point is...

The-the point...the point is, it's not, you know...

Nothing-nothing's with anything nowadays, is it?

You don't get wild duck and chips.

Everything's on a bed of.

What ab...?

What's this, sleepy food?

Wild duck on a bed of...

couscous.

What the hell is couscous anyway?

When I grew up in Scotland, couscous is what you milked

milked in the field field.

"Have you milked your' cous,'Danny?"

You...

Yeah.

Oh, I don't know.

And do you know what?

The wine list was even longer than the menu.

What's all that about?

What ever happened to the old red or white days?

This is huge...

People are obsessed by wine nowadays, aren't they?

People are... gosh.

Everyone's obsessed by the age of a wine and the region it

comes from.

"Oh, do come round.

Yeah, I've just picked up a cheeky little five-year-old."

"Uh... can I speak to Mom, Dad?

Uh... he..."

"Picked up a cheeky little five-year-old from the Dordogne

region.

Oh..."

You don't get...

Beer drinkers don't have the same pretentiousness.

You don't go round to a friend's house, "Danny, I'm glad you're

here.

I've just cracked open a three-day-old Molson Ex from the

Montreal region."

They, "Ooh."

"Yes, what a wonderful bouquet

of stale piss."

Uh...

Yeah.

I've, uh...

I've done my research.

I don't know.

People are obsessed by wine, and-and people like to reminisce

over wine, as well.

What's all that about?

They... Eh...

"Ooh, doesn't that rosé remind you of the time we went camping

in Loch Lomond?

All the wind rushing through our hair?

We were young, we were free."

You know?

No drink has ever reminded me of anything.

That's the whole point of it.

Eh?

That's not totally true, actually.

The smell of Bailey's reminds me of the first time I shit my own

bed, but I'm not... I'm not...

I probably wouldn't bring that

up in a dinner party, you know.

"Danny has an interesting story re... regarding a milk-based

liqueur.

Oh, yeah.

Gather round, children.

Gather round."

Do you know, I, uh...

Well, I-I just don't... I don't get it, the whole thing, you

know?

Because, you know, when Jesus turned his water into wine, do

you think there was connoisseurs at that meeting, just, you

know...?

"Good show, Jesus, but, actually, it's white wine with

fish, but...

Just mentioning it.

Just..."

Do you know I was out and...

that, uh... watching that, uh, televangelist today.

He was talking about the Last Supper.

Uh, here's the thing.

Jesus stood up in the beginning of that meal and said,

"Tomorrow, one of you will betray me."

Fucking bon appétit.

Uh... can't help feeling, after that, the meal might have got a

wee bit awkward, don't you?

People just...

"That was a bit of a bombshell, wasn't it?"

"Who do you think it was?"

"Oh, hell, I don't know.

Uh, it's a nice new suit Judas has got on, isn't it?"

No.

Must have been a weird meal that, anyway,'cause Jesus broke

bread.

He said, "This is to represent the breaking of my bones."

Pours red wine.

Says, "This is to represent the spilling of my blood."

I'm not a fussy eater, but...

I'd have probably gone, "I'm not that hungry anymore, you know.

I sure as hell ain't touching the meatballs."

Uh...

But the... oh.

Was that the line, was it?

Was that the line?

Sorry. Okay.

Go back another.

Oh, yeah.

But, no.

Wine is an interesting thing.

I went on a wine tour, actually, in Australia.

I've never been on a wine tour before.

Been on pub crawls.

It's not quite the same thing.

You get your cock out in a wine tour, nobody laughs, and-and...

And I... and I mean nobody.

The whole bus froze.

I... I said, "I've misread this entirely.

I'm so sorry.

I thought it'd be the same as a pub...

Right, okay, I'm done with that, yup.

I'll take my seat.

That's fine."

It's very interesting.

It was good fun, actually.

There was two...

There was a couple from England on the tour.

It was just the three of us, actually.

Made the whole cock-out thing a lot more embarrassing, but...

Very posh couple from Surrey in

England, and, uh, they were sort of wine connoisseurs.

And, uh, we went to this winery, and, uh, it was quite exciting.

It was quite good fun really.

But the thing is, you're supposed to go for a tour of the

vineyards first and then to the wine-tasting.

But who wants to do the vineyards? Jesus.

You seen one grape, you've seen 'em all.

And the exciting bit is the actual wine-tasting.

We got to the very first winery, and there was a little kind of

plinth, and I was standing here, his wife was there, and he was...

This gentleman was at the end.

And we got... the very first wine came out, and he picks up

his and, you know...

"Oh," he says, "Oh."

"What a wonderful aroma!

I'm getting the essence of strawberries!

Strawberries and..."

"Blueberries."

"Little bit of banana, lime

and... ooh, touch of apricot and some-some raspberry.

And some..."

I'm thinking, "What?

Has this guy got a smoothie or something, has he?

I've just got wine in my glass!"We drank that, right?

Then his wife... she picks up hers.

She's got a dry wine.

"Oh, very oaky... and smoky and nutty.

Rah, ah.

And almondy and dusty and barky and..."

When that glass...

I'm going, "This is harder than I thought."

And the...

Then it's my turn, right?

Little wine comes out, and it's my turn.

I said, "Look, just you know what?

Just forget about me.

I don't really know what I'm doing."

The guy says, "Don't be ridiculous, monkey boy.

You say the first thing that comes into your head, you see?

The essence of what you say, you say, you smell, you smell, and

you say, you smell, and you say!"

I said, "All right, I'll give it a go.

I'll give it my best shot."

I picked up this glass, I went...

"Mmm!"

"Crushed grapes."

And I was right.

I'm the only one that was right.

I've checked every bottle since.

Just crushed grapes in there.

When... do you know, when we got to the last wine, I got

hammered, right?

I got... All etiquette went out the

window, just whatever.

Got to the ninth winery.

'Cause you're only really...

Etiquette says you're only supposed to choose, you know,

maybe a couple of... try a couple of the whites and a

couple of the reds, but you can try as many as you want.

The ninth winery, I was sort of,"Hello.

How... I'm very well, thank you.

I would like to try...

...all the whites...

and... all the reds...

in one glass."

Etiquette is one of these things

that, I guess, it's not even just in formal situations it

annoys me.

It annoys me... day-to-day life, annoys me.

I was just, I was in L.A., a...

a little while ago, and they have a thing in bars, like, just

pubs in L.A., they have a thing called a "drink minimum policy."

They might have it here in Canada, too, I don't know.

It's where you have... you have to have a minimum of two drinks

if you go into the pub.

Well, I don't know why.

The big bouncer: "Sir, we have a two-drink minimum policy."

I said, um... "That won't be a problem.

I'm from Scotland.

So long as there's

no maximum...

...let the games begin."

And I went into this, uh, pub, and I got up to the bar.

I was sitting on the bars toolmaking friends, you know, having

a few drinks.

But here's the thing, they don't have, um... in bars in America,

they don't have that nice little safety bit at the back of the

stool.

It's just a flat stool.

You know, like,'cause that's handy.

In Scotland, you get that and you're telling a story, "...and

I said... No. Whoa, fuck!

Nearly went back there, didn't I?"

But they don't have it in America.

I didn't know this.

And I was telling a story and I was having a bit of a laugh, and

then I went to drink the last bit of my beer, and I had to

tilt my head all the way back, and I went, "Oh, shit, wait,

this isn't right."

And I went all the back, and I fell off my bar stool.

Now, there's two reactions to falling off your bar stool.

Right? You either laugh like a child on the ground, encouraging

people to join in.

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

I have fallen!

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Blood pouring out of the back of your head.

That's the first reaction.

Well, the other reaction is, you get straight back up... you got

to get straight back up, now... and take a long, hard look at

the stool.

That is dangerous.

I did the first one, right?

Lying on the ground, laughing away.

The big bouncer... the big, you know, two-drink minimum guy...

Comes up to me.

Huge guy. He had his mobile phone in a holster.

Don't move or I'll text you.

"Sir," he said, "I'm gonna have

to ask you to leave."

I says, "Why?

Why would you do that?"That's my drunk voice, by the

way.

Do you ever do that?

When you're drunk, do you ever over-enunciate?

Because in your head you think,"If I'm talking like that, how

will anybody know I've been drinking?

Because, you know, like, I'm

talking normally and all that.

Hello. I'd like to get into the club, please.

You don't know me."

That's one of the things I love about Scotland is our drinking.

We go nuts.

You can tell how much a country loves its drinking from its

reaction to last orders at the bar, can't you?

Last call, you know, that little bell... ding, ding, ding, ding,

ding.

In Paris, they're all cool, and... "Oh,

well, that is last orders.

Ah...

We should finish up our drink sand go outside into the

moonlight.

It will be very beautiful.

I will kiss you."

But in Scotland, we go nuts.

Ding, ding. "Fuckin'... you bastards!

Fuck off, you fucking...

Don't you dare ring that fucking bell, you fucking

fucks!"'Cause no one... It's crazy.

No one...

Here's the thing, no one ever wants to go home in Scotland.

"Wait, I don't want to go home now... I'll remember everything.

What was the point in coming

out?"But last call in Scotland, of

course, means you don't have Togo... you don't have to go

there.

You can get one more drink in.

But we're Scottish, so we get two in.

That's what we always do.

We've only got 15 minutes left, right?

Two. Come on, everyone, two, two, come on, two...

Fuck off, you're having two.

Two, two, two, two.

Everyone's got to fuck off, you're having two, mate.

You know, you can be hunched on the toilet, puking your guts

out, and, "Come on, get out, you're having two. Come on."

And it's not uncommon.

See, it's not uncommon in Scotland to see a guy at the end

of the night with a drink in each hand.

Sometimes you've got a drink in between the two.

Doesn't matter, it's just the

way we...'cause, you know, that's... we don't need... we

don't need our hands.

You'd never see that in-in-in Italy.

You'd never see a guy with a drink in each hand.

How would he talk?

They always need the...

They need the one hand.

And that's what they do.

But we in Scotland, we've mastered the entire art of

conversation in just the head bit.

We do, just, "All right.

How's it going? You all right?

Have you met Barry?

Barry, John. John, John, Barry."

It's like the entire Scottish male population has evolved from

grain-fed chickens at some point in their lives.

How's it going? Hey.

Look at her, she's all right, isn't she?

Not her. Her.

What's wrong with you?

I love the...

I'll tell you what I hate...

I always get, uh...

I'll tell you what I hate... and you'll get this here in Canada

as well... it's sad, but at the end of the night when a pub

wants you to leave, why do they throw all the lights on?

What possible good can come from that?

All that does is illuminate the full horror of the situation.

You don't want to see anything at that time of night.

Oh. All of a sudden, bang!

Fuckin' hell, have I been talking to a pool cue for 20

minutes?

No one think about telling me that?

Don't know why do they do that.

And then... and then the thing is, when the lights come on... I

mean, I don't know how that happens here... but in Scotland

there's always an opportunity to keep going drinking.

'Cause there's always a party back at someone's house.

Someone'll say, "I might have something back at mine if you

want to..."

Oh, okay... "I may as well.

You're on the way home."

They're never on the way home.

Oh... it's on the way home.

Seven miles outside your way.

It's on the way home.

I'll go, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You go back to someone's house at 3:00 in the morning, you

know?

What are you thinking?

And then they've never got...

they've always got the spirit, everyone's always got the

spirit, but not the mixer that goes with that spirit.

That's the cheaper of the two, but no one's ever got that.

So they have to... people have to become their own cocktail

waiters at that time of night.

Okay, hang on, anyone for... gin and chocolate milk?

Uh, gin and chocolate milk,

anyone?

Oh, I'll give a go, hey, hey.

Then someone always tries it and

goes, "Ah, that's quite nice, actually."

And someone else'll say, "Oh, I might drink that next time I'm

out."

Like, as if you would.

As if the next day you're out with the lads, right?

Eight pints, is it?

Actually, can I have a gin and chocolate milk?

The hangover is a uniquely

Scottish concept as well.

They don't get hangovers in...

you know, trendy European countries, like Italy.

Well, they get up, they slick their hair back, they go off to

work.

We-we-we revel in the hangover.

It's like an old friend.

Wake up: Oh...

Oh...

Kick our shoes off.

The light flooding in...

from the television.

There's always that moment of self-denial as well.

Wh-What did I...

I just went out for a drink.

I wanted one drink.

Did I have two drinks?

Chocolate milk?

When did I drink chocolate milk?

Anyway, look, I'm lying on the floor in this... in this bar,

right, laughing away, and this big bouncer comes up to me.

Said, "Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave."

I was, like, "Why?

Why would you do that?"He said, "Because you're...

literally drunk."

I says, "Of course I'm drunk.

That is the idea of the pub."

Then I said... for reasons best known to myself... I said, "I

have never been thrown out of a restaurant for being full."

You see, now...

You see? You found that funny.

Do you know, I... I'll give you

the best example of an etiquette faux pas I ever did.

This is an absolutely true story.

Two years ago, I, uh... I met the queen.

Uh... oh, yeah.

I don't know where that came

from, but... from somewhere, clearly.

Well, who sings that?

I saw her in the...

Beyoncé? Beyoncé. Right.

I'm not very good with, uh, modern music.

Do you know that I'm finding the older I'm getting, the further

back in time I have to go to find music I actually enjoy

listening to.

Am I the only one that...

I get bored of modern pop stars and their... you know, their...

fabricated behavior.

Did you read about Britney Spears?

She was in an article recently talking about her demons.

Famous people have demons, right?

We have problems.

Well, not me. You lot. But...

She was talking about her

demons, and one of her demons was tequila.

She said for six months she had a tequila problem.

Some mornings she'd wake up with half a bottle of tequila in her

hand and she wouldn't remember anything.

I thought, that's not a tequila problem.

Johnny Cash used to wake up with an empty packet of salt in his

hand... that's a fuckin' tequila problem. Yeah. Yeah.

Am I right?

Half a kilo of lemon rind allover the bedsheets.

You have a mild drinking problem, at best.

It's ridicul... Remember when she shaved her head, people were

going, "Oh, it's a cry for help, Danny."

She shaved her head, she didn't cut it off.

By the time I was her age, I'd

shaved my head four times.

I'd shaved my bollocks twice.

No one thought that was a cry for help.

In fact, Father O'Brian thought it looked quite fetching. I'm...

I'm only saying what I...

But I... Look, the point, I don't care much for modern

music.

I'm actually one of these people, I'm finding I'm really

enjoying traditional Scottish music at the moment, like old

folk music and stuff.

Look at your face. "Huh?"I do, I like the kind of... the

storytelling element to folk music, you know?

Even our national anthem in Scotland tells a story.

Uh, the famous victory, the Battle of Bannock burn... Robert

the Bruce's famous victory.

Oh, gets you there.

And it's-it's good.

And it's the only national anthem in the world, I have to

say, that makes provision for people with Tourette's to join

in, which is also...

It's true... in the chorus.

Have you ever heard us sing the chorus?

Bastards!

And sent him homeward...

I love the Canadian national anthem, actually.

It's like an afterthought.

Yeah.

Oh, Canada, oh.

Hey, England, uh, oh, well, the

English national anthem is"God Save the Queen"... the

official one... but they actually now sing "Jerusalem" at, uh, at

sporting events and stuff.

And it's a lovely old hymn,"Jerusalem."

I love old hymns, I love...

See, eh, for me, I used to...

'cause I used to go to church when I was a kid and I-I used to

love singing the hymns.

I didn't like the subtext of the hymns, which was always the

same, wasn't it?

That God is great...

and we're all shit.

Remember that, used to... how un-uplifting was that?

And God is great and...

I tell you what...

I tell...

I tell you what... I tell you what I always found fascinating.

It was-It was... Do you think the guy that wrote the hymns,

the lyrics and the guy that wrote the music ever actually

collaborated?

Because it's...

Remember you'd get to the end of a verse and somewhere in, you'd

lose the...

So you'd get one last bit of organ.

And you'd go, "Shit, I've got

eight words to fit into that."

Where did I lose the plot there?

Organ player's going, "Sorry,

mate, this is all I've got, I can't...

I can hold it, but I can't really change it, you know?"

Used to love Christmas carols as well, didn't you?

They all...

You sing them at school and the teacher'd be on the piano and

you're a kid.

You had... you had no inhibitions, you used to sing

just quickly and loudly.

And the teacher's...

"S... Slow down!"Sorry.

Difficult, uh, carol, "Away in a Manger"... wasn't it?

'Cause if you started too high in the first line...

you had nowhere to go, did you?

Remember that problem?

Dogs in nearby parks: "Huh?

Hell was that?"And you go...

That was-That was embarrassing, that was embarrassing, God, that

was embarrassing.

You'd drop right down,'cause you were 11 years old, there's

girls in the class, for God's sake.

But you forgot it went down again... you'd be in even more

trouble.

I do love all the tunes and-and hymns and...

You know, I-I guess I don't-I don't...

What I'm basically saying is I don't really like modern music.

I don't like club... club music.

That bloody...

You hear it in every...

It sounds like a cat trying to be sick.

That's what it sounds like.

Sounds like a cat trying to be sick.

That's what cats do when

they're...

When I go into my living room

and the cat's up on the new sofa going:

My instinct isn't to go, "Aw, yeah, motherfucker.

Aw, yeah, do-do-do-bop-bop-bop."

You fucking get out of there.

You know you...

Cat owners I'll know, you've only got a few seconds when that

starts.

You go, "Fuck, quick, door,

window, anything!"

Hold on, hold on!

Open the door, oh, please, open

the door.

Hold on!

And you... open that door.

Oh, God, there it goes, right, fuck with that.

Jesus Christ, that was close.

That was too close, that one.

They're so sly, cats.

Ten minutes later your nice, effeminate cat comes back,

doesn't it?

You forget everything.

Aw.

I love... I love my... I love my cat.

Come on, you, oh, come in, you.

The cat comes in, then...

Are you all right, now?

"The fuck...

Fucking cat...

Just fucking...

Am I all right?

What the fuck was all that about?

Chucking me there like that?

Did you really ask am I all right?

Look at that.

Did you know that was there?

Straight into the thing.

Look at that.

Was trying to get around, you know?

You don't believe that' cats always land on their feet' shit,

do you?

Look at that.

There you are, look... I can't even lick that bit, look."

Cats are...

They make such a big song and dance.

They make such a big song and dance about things, cats,'cause

when dogs are sick, they're almost apologetic.

"Oh, sorry, was that me?

Oh, God, no, oh, so sorry about

that.

Oh, don't clean it up, I'll lick it up.

No, I'm happy to, I'm happy to.

I know, I...

Anything to get the taste of my balls out of my mouth."

Right, where was I?

Yes, I'll tell you where I was.

I met the queen.

I met the queen, and, uh...

This is an absolute true story, two years ago.

And this is, like, I say, a time when I made a real etiquette

faux pas.

And, uh... purely by accident.

I mean, I really shouldn't have been invited to the do that I

was invited to,'cause it was for Scottish young achievers,

and, uh...

Yeah, I mean...

I went down there, it was the first time in my life I felt

genuinely inadequate,'cause it was in a room full of 100 people

that have properly achieved things... guys that have climbed

Mount Everest with, you know, half a head and...

raised millions of pounds for charity and stuff and I thought,

gosh, what am I doing here?

Now, what happens is the queen only comes into the room for,

like, ten minutes, but she sends some of her advisors in first of

all, to pick some suitable candidates for her to talk to.

Well, this guy comes up to me.

"You... monkey boy."

Weren't you in a previous joke?

"Yes, I was.

You, yeah, uh, the queen may wish to have a few words with

you."

That's what he said.

I said, "You can tell the queen I accept."

Well, w-w... what am I gonna say... "Oh, tell her to text me.

Tuesday... Tuesday's good for me."

"Queen would wish to have a few words with you."

You see?

And then, of course, I'm gonna meet the queen.

Now, there's only five people chosen to meet the queen.

And I thought, why me?

Come on, this is ridiculous.

And they...

So, uh, about an hour later...

I couldn't eat anything, I couldn't drink, I was really

nervous.

An hour later, we're lined up.

The queen gets introduced into the room.

Big fanfare.

"Ladies and gentlemen, Her Majesty the Queen."

And, you know, the guys with the... the horns and...

F... Not the...

I don't think it was the Rocky theme tune, uh...

Some of these details are sketchy.

Uh...

Imagine that:

And the queen in her coat.

"Who wants some of Big Lizzy?"

Queen goes in the room, I'm no win a line, right?

Five other people.

And I'm think... I'm getting nervous, I'm thinking, God,

Danny, of all the times in your life you've said something

really stupid, try not to make this one of them.

You know?

I don't want, in years to come, my grandchildren to say, "What

happened the day you met the queen, Danny?"

And I go, "F... Go to bed, you little shit."

Uh...

So I'm in that line, and the queen's going up and the

advisor's with her, and he's saying, you know, "This is the

man who climbed Mount Everest with no head and..."

"Very well done, well done."

She got to me.

Absolutely true... standing in front of the queen...

and the advisor says, "This is the, uh, Scottish comedian,

Danny Bhoy."

And she said, "Oh, you're the comedian, are you?"

And something...

Something about hearing the queen's voice in my head and

seeing the queen there, in front of me, was so bizarre...

This is what I did.

She said, "You're the comedian, are you?"

And I instinctively went,"I am he."

S...

She said, "What are you doing?"I know not, Your Majesty.

I know I would like to start again, please."

And I'd love to stop the story there.

No one would like to stop the story there more than I, but it

got worse.

I'm sitting having a co... I'm standing having a conversation

with the queen.

It star... It was okay after that, she was ta... She's a big

fan of stand-up comedy, the queen, she was talking to me

about comedy.

That's why she wanted to meet me.

Weird.

She was talking to me about comedy and I thought, "Oh, she's

forgotten the whole thing, that's good."

And her parting words to me, still, to this day, I have to

say, were, um, she said, "Well, I think it's very brave, what

you do."

And she said, "Tell me something, what does one... what

does one do if one's audience doesn't laugh?"

I turned to the Queen of England and said, "One usually shits

oneself, mum."

Ladies and gentlemen, uh...

Uh, ladies and gentlemen, uh, this is the... this is the end.

Thank you very, very much for coming out tonight.

You've been an absolutely brilliant crowd and I've really

enjoyed this time.

Thanks very much.

That's all... see you next time.

That's it.