Dangerous Liaisons (2022) - full transcript

[Tristan] How far would you go
to make a name for yourself?

Become part of the elite?

The elite, 200 years ago,
it meant having royal blood.

The aristocracy.

Twenty years ago, it meant being loaded.

Today, you can be noble or rich
and still be a loser.

Today, it's all about fame.

Once you've tasted it,

you'll do anything to keep it.

Even if it kills you.

[soft piano music playing]



MADAME_DE_FUCK_IT
500K FOLLOWERS

[Pierre] Célène?

Hey, you there?

THREE MONTHS EARLIER…

-[Célène] Pierre, can you hear me?
-[Pierre] Yeah, all good.

-[Célène] This is gonna work.
-Of course it will.

-Because our love knows…
-No distance.

Our boy Balzac. Too easy.

Hey, and don't forget, right?
You said one story a day.

Why do you want stories
and not just videos?

Because it's more fun!

-So, that's fun?
-Yeah. [imitating dog]

-Hey, Pierre!
-[Pierre] Hey, Dad-in-law!

Okay, I'll call you later.



-[cars honking]
-[motorbike revving]

[man] Hey, dumb-ass!

-Why don't you watch where you're going?
-[hip-hop music playing]

NETFLIX PRESENTS

♪ Yo, I'm in beach mode
Fuck a cheat code ♪

♪ I'm working day and night
To afford a Torino ♪

♪ I'll count myself lucky
The day I own a casino ♪

♪ Heading straight for Heaven's gate
Michael Cimino ♪

♪ I can't afford to die broke
Down on my knees ♪

♪ So take note, yo
I sold my soul in my teens ♪

♪ Soon as the Devil spoke
The angels ceased to breathe ♪

♪ You've got to know the ropes
In order to break free ♪

♪ Don't ask me how I'm doing
Ask me how I do it ♪

♪ We can speak business
It's all right, I'm fluent ♪

♪ I'm here to blow up
You had your chance and you blew it ♪

♪ You're just hungry for clout
Here's a thought you can chew on ♪

♪ You want to live the dolce vita
Own a Buick ♪

♪ But there ain't a single soul
That needs ya ♪

♪ Drunk on too much information
Under the influence ♪

♪ Covering shame with foundation
Your self-esteem is in ruins ♪

♪ Mirror, mirror on the wall… ♪

-Balzac! Come here!
-[dog barks]

♪ I'm as fake as your grandma's incisors
So I ask you, "What's left inside us?" ♪

[music fading]

-Mom would've loved it here.
-[sniffling]

Huh? Right, Dad?

God, I miss her.

It's fine. I'm all right. We'll be
better off at Uncle Patrick's house.

Balzac!

Hey, the door!

Balzac?

Balzac!

Balzac!

-Have you seen a big black dog?
-Yeah, that way!

Balzac!

[dog barking]

-[hip-hop playing on car stereo]
-[woman] Hey! Hi, guys!

I'm so happy.
I finally made it to Biarritz.

-[tires screeching]
-Balzac!

[dog barks]

-Shh! Shh!
-Balzac!

-Balzac!
-He'll be fine. Let me just put him down.

Don't you ever do that again.

Hey, he's fine, don't worry.

-Your board's ruined.
-I have others.

Come on, now, who's a good boy?

[woman] Can we do a quick story?

Sure. With pleasure.

We're here with Tristan Badiola,
French surf champion.

So, you're not spending
the summer in LA this year?

No, my Dad is still working, I need
to prepare for some upcoming competitions.

-Can we maybe have a kiss?
-Yeah, a little kiss?

-Well, yeah, why not?
-[giggling]

[chuckling] Thanks, ladies. Thanks.

-Hey. Do you need me to take you home?
-No, that's okay. Don't worry.

-It's no problem. My name is Tristan--
-Balzac! Balzac!

-[hip-hop music playing]
-♪ Let me show you what we on about ♪

♪ Joy and money are the only route ♪

♪ No lights in the dark
Feeling lonely bring the army out ♪

♪ Same team, we never switch
Homies running, let us in ♪

♪ Fucked up, need medicine
But I ain't got space for another sin ♪

♪ I ain't got time to miss my target… ♪

I could show you
around Biarritz if you want.

Have you heard of La Belloteka?
Great place to hang--

I'm not looking to hang.

I want to be upfront.
I'm in a relationship and I'm faithful.

Okay. Damn it.

How old are you? Because you
sound exactly like my grandmother.

I can translate it for you if you want.

Being away from my bae got me trippin',

and here comes this privileged-ass dude
with his ride

trying to make me feel some type of way.

Epic fail, though.

That's an interesting try.
But no one actually talks like that.

Except the principal of my high school,
on second thought.

Wait, Patrick Riva?

-Yeah, right. How do you know?
-'Cause he's my uncle.

Whoa.

Hold up. You're Charlotte's cousin?

You're nothing like her. Okay.

-So you're here visiting?
-No.

I'm here to do my senior year
at Victor Hugo.

Okay.

I guess we'll see each other.

-And who's your man, then?
-Pierre.

Pierre… [scoffs]

Pierre stayed back in Paris.

-He's studying to get into medical school.
-Okay.

You know what they say
about long-distance?

And you know what they say
about teeth whiteners?

It wears down your enamel. Be careful.

Don't worry, babe,
I won't burst your bubble.

Uh, are we allowed to be friends on Insta,
or will your boyfriend be mad?

Come on, don't tell me.
You know what Instagram is, don't you?

I think I have better things to do
with my time than post my life online.

Such as?

Dealing with my dad's depression
and my mom's death.

Well, perfect. There you have it.

Tristan Badiola,
the World Champion of Stupidity. Sorry.

Don't worry about it.
You couldn't have known, right?

[mocking] Tristan Badiola.

And Pierre made
an Instagram account for me last week.

Célène6475.

-And you can follow me if you want.
-Okay.

See you.

-What are you doing with that?
-It's a present.

-Welcome to Biarritz.
-Thank you, but no. You can keep it.

Hey, you live in Biarritz now.
What are you saying?

-Surfing's not really my thing.
-Ah, okay, I see what's up.

You think surfing is a sport for airheads.

You'd much rather spend your time reading
novels and sipping a cup of Earl Grey.

-Well, yeah.
-Challenge accepted.

Tomorrow at two o'clock
at the central beach?

Yeah, only in your dreams.

Aren't you forgetting something?

[dog barks]

Balzac. Oh, God.

I'll have you know,
I've never used teeth whitener.

See you tomorrow.

-Still not coming.
-Better things to do?

Hey, cuz! Follow my Insta.

[imitates zooming]

-["Don't You Know" by Kungs playing]
-This is so tight!

It's so tight. So far,
I pick my novel and Earl Grey over this.

♪ I'm gonna rock your body
Take it down slow ♪

♪ Gonna rock your body
Don't they know? ♪

♪ I'm gonna rock your body
Take it down slow ♪

♪ I'm gonna rock your body
Don't you know? ♪

-♪ Don't you know? ♪
-[song fading]

-[Tristan] Well?
-Gotta say.

-Surfing's actually pretty cool.
-I was talking about the view.

Pretty great.

The Rocher de la Vierge
is like the icon of Biarritz.

Eiffel built the metal bridge

and Napoleon III
drilled a hole through the rock.

Penetrating the impenetrable. You'd think
they could've left poor Mary alone.

-Are you a feminist then?
-Trying to be.

Beautiful.

-That kinda looks like an engagement ring.
-'Cause it is one.

Pierre and I
are getting married next year.

Are you serious?

I don't see what's so funny.

I got two words, "But why?"

Because I want to.
Because I believe in marriage.

Because I don't
really care to sleep around.

[Tristan chuckling]

Do you think you
can stop laughing, please?

Hey, listen, if you want to live
like it's the 1700s, be my guest.

You can't control much when you're 17,

but you can control
what you do with your body.

And I've decided that
I'll share my body with one man.

-You've never believed in soulmates?
-I've never really thought about it.

You're nothing like Pierre who…
Shit, Pierre!

He and I were supposed to FaceTime.

-I spy someone who's in trouble.
-Maybe it's nothing.

-[both] It's never nothing.
-[cameras clicking]

[Tristan] You should keep your phone
on you like a normal person.

Instead of living like it's the '90s.
That's on you.

[upbeat music playing]

SOS BIATCH WHEN ARE YOU BACK??

Guillermo, you're gonna
book me a flight to Biarritz.

-[grunts] You know you can call me "Dad."
-Now, Guillermo.

Bring my bags!

[Tristan] Célène?

Here's a present that
maybe you'll appreciate a bit more.

So basically you're saying
I'm a bad surfer?

-Proust?
-Mmm-hmm.

Is this an early edition?

-Mmm-hmm.
-No way.

Really, it's just…
I don't think I can accept this.

Better off with you
than collecting dust on my shelf.

And what's this?

[coyly] I don't know, what is it?
That's weird.

"Dear Madame de Riva, there's a little
get-together at my house on the 31st."

"Some honorable homies will be there
if you want to drop by."

"I could introduce you to everyone."

"Sincerely, Tristan de Badiola."

[both] "Your Biarritz buddy."

I would've texted it to you, but I wasn't
sure you were familiar with technology,

so I decided on this instead.

Can I also invite my cousin?

-[hip-hop song playing]
-♪ We rock steady for this game ♪

♪ Money on my name
A cup of Henny in my hand ♪

♪ Fuck pennies for advance
Just hundreds in a case ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah
Trying to make the most out of it ♪

♪ Trying to make a boss out of me
Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Trying to make the most out of it
Trying to make a boss out of me ♪

POOL PARTY AT TRISTAN'S
DON'T YOU KNOW?

♪ Money on my name
A cup of Henny in my hand ♪

♪ Fuck pennies for advance
Just hundreds in a case, yeah ♪

♪ Trying to make the most out of it
Trying to make a boss out of me ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Trying to make the most out of it
Trying to make a boss out of me, yeah… ♪

-[guests whooping]
-[man] Comin' through, comin' through!

-Whoo! Yeah!
-[all] Whoo!

-[guests laughing]
-[hip-hop continues on mic]

♪ Hey, no space for a hoe ♪

♪ Game face for the show ♪

♪ Make a date for the ups
And maintain for the bros ♪

♪ We ain't gonna miss the shot
When the clock run down ♪

[imitates gun firing]

♪ What's up in town?
If I like this shit then I cop it now ♪

♪ I used to be down on the carpet
Now days I'm chilling in the cockpit ♪

♪ I planted the seed of success
In my brain ♪

♪ At the end of the day
Happens in my conscience ♪

♪ Fuck all the doubters
In my surroundings ♪

♪ Yappers throwing us flowers
Rapping about boss know louder ♪

♪ Wanted some heat, giving them powder
Twenty-one ♪

♪ Stack some cheese
Getting some powder ♪

-[dance music playing]
-[guests exclaiming and whooping]

Hey!

-"A little get-together," you said?
-I mean, yeah, it's cool, isn't it?

[man] Whoa! Look who
stepped out of the studio to hang out!

[Tristan] Hey, man! You good? What's up?
Glad you made it. How's the studio life?

We just recorded the feature with Clara.
It'll be a classic.

-[all laugh]
-[man] Really? Clara, right?

Mmm-hmm.

So, uh, think you'll be able
to graduate high school this year, or…

Well, they say, "Third time's a charm."

Yo.

I'm Oscar.

You're Oscar?

Oscar from The Voice?

Uh, yeah.

Let's go.

[all chuckle]

[man] Hey, two days till classes start.

Oh, I forgot to tell you, bro.
Crazy, crazy news this year.

Riva's daughter
is doing senior year with us.

After she spent ten years in a convent.
Ten years, dude!

From what I hear, she's a dweeb!
[laughing]

Six years.
I was in a convent for six years, not ten.

And I'm not a dweeb.

-Oh!
-I'll go put my bathing suit on.

You're truly so stupid, it's…
it's incredible. Really, it's just…

Hold on, is she your cousin?

Is it true her mom ran away
with some hippy-dippy

to live in a nudist colony
in the States or something?

-[Charlotte] Yes!
-[laughing]

So this is a friend of yours? Really?

Well, no, but…

Bruh, thanks for throwing
such a dope end-of-summer party!

-Make some noise, whoo!
-[dance music continues]

[guests cheering and whooping]

Oh, my God! Still got another year left.

Aren't they your friends?

Honey, look at me.

I got invited to these 'cause
I'm the best DJ in the Basque Country.

You seriously brought Proust to a party?

-Mmm-hmm!
-Love it! Where did you come from?

-Paris.
-Oh, I love Paris.

Fuck the ocean. Fuck surfing.

Okay, listen, don't make it obvious,
but check up there.

Is that…

[ethereal music playing]

LITTLE SOPHIE 3

Oh, Little Sophie?
Chill. She goes to Hugo.

No way! She was my idol!

[man] At Victor Hugo,
every girl wants to be Vanessa,

and every guy wants to be in Vanessa.

But she and Tristan
are a solid power couple.

They're impossible to break up.

-What, these two are together?
-Hey, you didn't know?

-No!
-They're royalty around here.

Known each other since they were
six years old, honey.

They're both Insta-verified and have,
like, ten million followers together.

Excuse me,
but what do you mean by "verified"?

Oh, wow!

Let's talk.

What year is it and where are we?

Uh, it's today and we're at Tristan's.
Why do you ask?

-No, girl. Shh, no.
-It is. But--

It's actually 1782
and we're in Versailles.

At the top of the pyramid,
you have the king and queen.

Verified King Badiola
and Evil Queen Merteuil.

Beneath them,
you have the duke and duchess,

influencers like Naya and Ari,

who post about
what the king and queen tell them to.

Then you have the knights,
there to lay down the law.

Then there's the king and queen's jesters.

They're there to bring in more followers.

Then there's the vassals, and below them,

the peasants.

-Who's the hunk over there?
-Ben.

He's the type to hit on you online
then ghost you in real life.

Because you don't look like
Thor the Viking.

And you?

-Where do you land exactly?
-Me? I'm merely the merchant.

At your service, my lady.

Thanks.

What's the merchant's role?

He's in with everyone at every level,

and no one can kill him
because he's too valuable.

Hey.

You're ten times hotter than Thor.

Ten times, I'm serious.

-Girl, I like you.
-I like you too.

-[camera shutter clicking]
-[soft music playing]

[clears throat and laughs]

Careful, a post with Charlotte Riva
will lose you 10,000 followers.

-A drop in the ocean.
-That's how I'll get my revenge.

[scoffs] You can look at yourself
in the mirror and seriously say that?

When will you get over the fact
that you lost the 2020 challenge?

-You know I loved that car.
-Well, you shouldn't have bet it then.

I told you you can't corrupt Riva,

but if Vanessa Merteuil
can't seduce her principal, then who can?

Remember the 2019 challenge?

Go on, remind me.

I seduced a monk.

Riva was this close to
taking his pants off at the June festival.

But then stupid Charlotte called him
and he went soft.

It's her fault I lost my Range Rover.

Babe, you talk too much,
like villains do in movies.

Blabbering on at the end, explaining
what the audience already knows.

Fact is, I won the bet, you lost your car,
and you can't blame it on the girl.

Just accept that.

What would you say to turning Charlotte
into the school slut?

Uh, no way.

Not cool. Don't you want
to play anymore? What are you, in love?

-Very much. With you, my Little Sophie.
-Shut up.

Why haven't we fucked already?

Because it's not in the contract.

I know, I know, I know.

All right, just one time.

Wait…

You want me to fuck you "just one time"?

Not me…

Charlotte.

[exclaiming]

No fucking way.

Getting her hooked wouldn't even be hard.

You're almost insulting me, you know?
And besides, I have better things to do.

Who's that girl?

She's new, she's Parisian.
She's starting at Hugo this year.

And you just invited her here?
Did you plan to fuck her in the garage?

For your information, she's faithful
to her fiancé, she believes in soulmates,

she'll never compromise her beliefs,

so no,
I didn't plan to fuck her in the garage.

However, I can make her
my personal challenge this year.

I'll make sure she forgets
all her dumb nonsense

about soulmates, marriage, and fidelity.

And knowing me, she'll probably
end up begging me to fuck her

instead of being the other way around.

I want to play this game.

Fuck her, then leave her.

If you fail,
I get your Guéthary beach house.

-Deal?
-No, this one's for me.

I mean, you already gave me your car,
how could you want more punishment?

-Then I can amend the contract.
-Care to be more specific, please?

Up to three hours of foreplay, blowjobs
included, with an unlimited fuck plan.

Specific enough for you?

Well, yeah, that is specific enough.

I have to use the bathroom!
I hope there's TP.

Little Sophie!

You're my absolute idol!
I used to want to be just like you!

-Is it okay if I hug you?
-No.

I'm so happy right now.

Oh, my God, maybe we can be best friends
now that we're in the same class!

Oh, you smell so nice.

[dance music playing in background]

-Bro, have you seen Célène?
-She left. Here.

"Dear Monsieur Badiola,
my fiancé's train just got in."

"I can't wait to see him.
I'm leaving Charlotte in your care."

"Thanks again for the invite. Ciao."

Thirty seconds to make your choice.

I accept.

Cool. You have two months.

-[dance music playing]
-♪ Tick tock, around the clock ♪

♪ I woke up spicy and never stopped ♪

♪ Time's up ♪

♪ There's no more compass
Blow the trumpet ♪

♪ You know we on a roll… ♪

[influencers] Sister situation!

This year, huge scandal.

-Stay tuned.
-So stay tuned.

[horn honking]

[dance music continues]

No!

-[man 1 laughing]
-[man 2] Enough!

[man 1] What's this now?
Hey, nice purse, dude.

-Do they make them for men too, or…
-[both laughing]

Come on, he's right, man.
Look, I'm gay, but you're a queen.

[man 1] Peace, dorks!

-Hey! Whaddup, whaddup?
-[indistinct chatter]

[dance music continues]

I can't figure out if you're a good guy
who hangs out with assholes,

or if you're an asshole
trying to pass for a good guy.

-Hold on, are we the assholes?
-Yes, you are!

Wait, what's the problem? I don't get it.

Come on, let's get out of here.
She's not into us.

[dance music continues]

-[music fading]
-[school bell rings]

Here's the deal, everybody.

We'll be starting
with a book that's badass,

which is part of
the new Philosophy curriculum.

So now who can tell me
about the morality themes

in The Princess of Montpensier?

-[students giggling]
-[man] Your phone, your phone!

-Julius?
-Uh, no.

No? Anybody?

Come on, I gotta say,
you've all got me trippin'.

-[phone chiming]
-Why does he talk like that?

[laughs] Wait, I almost forgot.
Smartphones go in here.

-[man] What?
-No, I'm just messing with you.

-Lol. I'm just kidding! Lol.
-[students protesting]

Yes, class rule for the whole year.
Sorry, not sorry.

-[man] Damn, for real?
-Come on, hurry up. Let's go.

-Hey, what are we gonna do?
-Old-school.

[hip-hop music playing]

THE PRINCESS OF MONTPENSIER
DE LA FAYETTE

[gasps and laughs]

-[hip-hop music stops]
-Excuse me, Miss Riva.

-What's that piece of paper?
-[man] Damn.

It's actually mine. It's just my notes…

on The Princess of Montpensier.

Notes on The Princess of Montpensier,
I hear?

Sick!

Well, please, you should read them aloud
for the benefit of the whole class.

You can stand up if you'd like.

Um, so basically,
The Princess of Montpensier

is about the tragic destiny of a girl

who's torn between familial duty
and her heart's desire.

It explores the dangers of human passion

in a world governed by rules of propriety

that essentially condemns women
who sacrifice their virtue.

[man] Whoa, seriously?

Dude.

That's exactly it.

Excellent, Miss Riva.

Read the book, don't just watch
Tavernier's film adaptation.

[school bell ringing]

Your ring's gorgeous, by the way.
Where'd you get it from?

-Uh, it was given to me. Charlotte!
-From her fiancé.

-"From her fiancé."
-[influencers] She has a fiancé?

One, you're getting engaged at 17
because you got pregnant.

Two, you fucked
absolutely everyone by age 12.

Or three, you're like my cousin,
who wants to love only one man!

[both] News flash!

The principal's niece at Victor Hugo
is engaged and she's only 17!

And it's her first boyfriend!

#2021We'reNotPlayingHereGuys.

["Venom Perfected" by various artists
ft. Cleva Thoughts playing]

-[phones chiming]
-[students exclaiming]

[song continues in background]

[all cheering and whooping]

[man] Congratulations on the wedding.

Hey, celebrity!

-Are you surviving your first day?
-No!

Oh, come on, it could be way, way worse.

-Take this guy and his surf accident.
-He died?

Died? No, girl. Not at all.

He just caught a dangerous wave
and is waiting on surgery in US.

-So the school started a GoFundMe.
-Oh, how much have they raised so far?

Thirty-seven euros.

It's sad really,
so many kids are rich at this school.

-But no one wants to lift a single finger.
-Poor Lucas.

Oh, wow, a thousand bucks!
Thanks, Tristan!

[Tristan] No problem, man.

It's funny how people do good deeds
to make themselves look good

-or to clear their conscience.
-It could be just a donation.

95% of people who donate money report
more satisfaction than those who receive.

Especially when donations
aren't anonymous. Isn't that right?

The rest of us simply enjoy giving
regardless of how it makes us look.

Don't you think?

What's it for?

My first act as delegate
will be to raise the money needed

for Lucas Rodriguez's surgery.

-And to get more fries in the cafeteria!
-[all cheering]

Hey! Hey now!

Come on, keep it chill!
Check yourselves, fam!

Regardless, Mr. Badiola, this was sick!

Big thanks to Célène
who offered to help me raise the money.

-[Célène] What?
-[all clapping]

Straight up. Pow-pow, man.

Dear members of the council, our idea
is to raise money from ticket sales

for a play featuring Vanessa Merteuil.

Held at the Casino Theater
during fall break.

[laughs and clears throat]

Sounds lovely, but it's a bit naive.

It's a thousand-seat theater.
What show will you put on?

-The Princess of Montpensier.
-Jesus. I mean, it's just…

We'll turn it into a musical.

Hip-hop.

Who would direct it?

-Uh…
-My dad.

-[Tristan] Her dad.
-Christophe Riva.

-He's won three Tonys.
-No way.

-Your dad is Christophe Riva?
-Uh, yeah.

He's so hot. I mean, he's so hard to book.
But a brilliant theater director, I…

We just killed that!

What?

-Nothing.
-No, tell me what.

You're starting to surprise me,
and barely anyone ever does.

Madame Riva, would you go
to the movies with me? To celebrate--

I have a FaceTime dinner date with Pierre.

[man 1] Hey!
Say it again and I'll kick your ass.

[man 2] What the… Ahh!

-[Tristan] Franck! What are you doing?
-Having a laugh. What's it to you?

Get him his crutches.

-You okay?
-Yeah, thanks.

Sorry about that, I had to step in.

Should I drop you off?

-I can make it work for the movie.
-You sure?

[menacing hip-hop music playing]

There you go, have fun.

-What about my cut?
-[music fading]

Well done, cuz!

You're amazing.

Uh, Célène? Patrick just texted me,
"Shit's poppin' off!"

"Célène straight-up killin' it!
She outta here, dawg."

You know what he's talking about?

-Green light from the council and theater.
-What green light?

Daddy?

I told them that
you were the one directing the show.

Charlotte, do you think you could let me
have a word with my daughter, please?

Sure, no problem.

Thank you.

-Why on earth would you tell them that?
-Dad, it's what you love doing the most.

Musical theater, adapting the classics.

Célène, when your mother died,

not only did I lose the love of my life,
I lost my muse.

Really, I don't think
I can direct anymore.

At every turn in the creative process,

all I feel is this
horrible emptiness left in her wake.

But it's just one show we're putting on.

Do it for me. They'd love you.

But it's fine, I guess.

I'll find someone else to direct.

-Someone else to direct?
-Yes.

-What other directors do you know?
-I have some ideas.

-Oh, so you have ideas?
-Yes.

-Like who? Tell me.
-Just people, I told you.

Okay.

Okay, all right.

Just hypothetically speaking,
if I were to direct your musical,

it would be for one night only.

-Is that correct?
-Yeah.

-And how would we run the rehearsals?
-Uh…

I'd have to drive to the school
during rush hour.

I'd probably have to
check to see if the theater's

open for auditions, walkthroughs,
testing lighting.

Although I do know
a good lighting tech nearby.

Let me call him up
and see if he's available.

["Get Back to My Life"
by Tamara Bubble playing]

♪ Get back to my life
Good times, good times ♪

♪ Get back to my life
Good times, good times ♪

♪ Get back to my life
Good times, good times ♪

♪ Are you ready?
Can we have a little fun?

♪ Yeah, yeah
Do you really wanna soak up all the sun? ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Do you really wanna?
Do you really wanna? ♪

♪ Do you really?
Do you really do? Yeah ♪

♪ Come on out and don't be shy ♪

♪ Good times, good times
Get back to my life ♪

♪ Good times, good times
Get back to my life… ♪

-[song stops suddenly]
-Hey, Tristan! What's up?

-Wait, you brought Charlotte?
-Why not?

-Is there a problem?
-I mean, yes.

[whispers] I can't believe this!
I thought we were friends!

-[viewers] Shh!
-Sorry.

What's wrong?
We're friends at the movies, aren't we?

Your cousin isn't my friend.
No offense, Charlotte.

-No offense taken, Tristan.
-[film playing indistinctly]

[popcorn rustling]

[viewers] Shh!

My God, how old are you?

-How old am I?
-Yeah.

[viewer] Shh! Quiet!

-Are you serious?
-Sorry.

You're the little baby
who brought a chaperon on a date.

Ugh. Great. Happy now?

Definitely.

Ugh.

-Célène!
-[viewers exclaim]

-[man] Move it!
-[Tristan] Calm down!

Célène!

Célène, hey!

[chuckles] It was a joke, calm down.

What kinda joke?
Am I a joke to you, is that it?

I have a fiancé! You have a girlfriend!

And just for the record, don't you ever,
ever tell a woman to calm down!

I wasn't thinking.

I had been warned.

-I should've never come.
-Hold on.

-Warned about what? Who warned you?
-Someone who cares about me.

[line ringing]

Where are you?

[menacing hip-hop music playing]

Um, hi.

-Um, I can sell you some weed if you--
-Don't want any. Put it away.

-Okay, I have stronger stuff.
-No, it's fine.

-We're good.
-So what do you want then?

Nothing. We just want to help you.

[wincing] Yeah.

If Riva got a hold of these videos,
you'd get kicked out of Victor Hugo.

But things could be worse for you because…
How old are you?

-Over 18?
-[Tristan] Oof.

Over 18. Right.

Zero tolerance
for adults dealing to minors.

-Ever imagine what prison's like?
-What is this about?

Whoa! Bro, chill.

We're on your side. We're friends.

I can take care of it.
But I'm gonna need a small favor.

I want to see everything that happens to
Célène's phone using this guy right here.

Install spyware on her phone

so I can find out who's been
talking shit about me and beat his ass.

-You have two days.
-[phone vibrating]

[menacing music playing]

The choice is yours.

What are you doing?

-What? I have to tell Pierre.
-No!

So he kissed you, so what? Chill.

[phone chiming]

Hey, hey, cuz!
By the way, the movie was so good.

I loved it. So romantic.
Where did you go, anyway?

I thought you went to the bathroom to pee,
but you never came back. Hey.

Hey, what are you doing?

Oh, hey, Ta--

You give really good massages.

Almost good enough to take my mind
off what happened.

[sighs] I'll be back.

[door opens and closes]

[rustling]

[tense music playing]

[door opens]

[somber music playing]

You okay?

-You don't look so good.
-It's nothing, I'm fine.

Have you heard the good news, guys?

We're gonna be together.

-[Charlotte laughs]
-[Oscar] Riva partnered us all up.

It's kinda cool
that we get to write the final act.

Oscar, what was it like winning The Voice?

-I didn't win, I lost in the final round.
-[Charlotte] Awesome!

I mean, not awesome that you lost,

but awesome that
you actually made it to the end.

-Do you like karaoke?
-[laughing] What?

-Do you--
-[Patrick] Miss Riva?

Can I have a word with you back there,
please? Hey, what's up, homies?

-[Tristan] What's up?
-[Patrick] Back to the grind, fam!

[Oscar] Yup, we are grinding.

[singing] ♪ The Princess of Montpensier
Has a hidden fountain… ♪

I think it'd be so dope
if you auditioned for a part in the play.

Whatever part you think fits.

[laughs] Who, me?
I can't do musical theater.

-[Oscar strumming guitar]
-[all] ♪ A virgin, a virgin, a virgin ♪

[students laughing]

You did opera training for two years.

-You'd raise the roof, sweetie.
-Opera training?

Excuse me, Mr. Riva,

would Charlotte be able to help me
learn the songs for my part?

-No--
-Maybe I can help her with her acting.

Yeah, sure. Great.
That sounds great, Miss Merteuil.

And that sounds dope, sweetie. I mean…

Miss Riva, I bid you good evening.
Bye. Goodbye, now.

Vanessa, I never studied opera.
Please don't tell my dad.

-Am I your friend or what?
-Well, yes.

Well, friends help each other.
I know someone who can be your tutor.

-He owes me a favor.
-[laughs]

All good, sweetie, you can thank me later.

Hey, Vanessa?
Can I call you "V," like in Gossip Girl?

No.

Célène, hold up!

I'm going surfing after class,

but if you want, you can come to my place
later to work on the play together.

I'll send you a first draft for act five
by tomorrow night. Bye.

I just can't wait for my new beach house.

Well, then?

I saved the password so you can unlock it.

Well, my battery's out.

Oops.

Mine's also dead…

in case you felt like
spilling the beans to your new friend.

Whoa! Little Sophie! This is amazing!
Is it okay if I take a photo?

No.

Okay.

Hey.

Vanessa said you needed singing lessons?

Uh, yeah.

Well, let's hear what you got.

-Well, I did write a little song once.
-Okay.

Um…

-I'll follow you.
-Okay.

[clears throat]

[off-key] ♪ I don't wanna be a good girl ♪

♪ I don't wanna be a daddy's girl ♪

[laughs nervously] Okay, hold up.
Give me a second. Um…

Maybe we should just start with a warm-up?
Sound good?

-Okay.
-[laughs nervously]

-What? Uh…
-Yeah.

-Here?
-Mmm-hmm.

-[Vanessa] I'll leave you both to it.
-Thanks so much, V.

-[Vanessa] Nope, still no V.
-Right.

-[Oscar] Cool?
-Okay.

[both exhaling]

-Oops, sorry.
-[both laughing]

-Okay.
-Okay.

[vocalizing]

[vocalizing]

-[laughing]
-Hold on, hold on.

-Can you stop? That tickles.
-I know.

[both breathing deeply]

[laughs] Sorry, give me a minute. I can't.

[dramatic music playing]

Yo! You coming?

Not in the mood right now.

Wait, Zoé! Wait! I'll go with you!

[woman] Darling!

-So I have an audition for you.
-Great. Is it a lead role?

-Um, no, but--
-Then I'm not interested.

Where are we on Little Sophie 4?
Did they read my script?

[woman] Darling,
the producers aren't too into it…

REUNITED WITH MY FIANCÉ #BIARRITZ

[somber music playing]

TRISTAN?!
Watch out, he seems like an asshole.

Bitch plays it close to the chest.

[Charlotte] Cuz,
Pierre's called three times.

Quite a long surf lesson.

Between you and me,
you should be careful with Tristan.

I know he's hot, but he has a dark side.

He does these weird bets,
like, trying to ruin people's lives, and--

[phone chiming]

-I'm ready to fuck Charlotte.
-Okay.

What was it
that made you change your mind?

-You can call it a personal vendetta.
-Love it.

I'll make sure
it's all set up for you then.

Tomorrow night, cosplay party.

[influencer] I love cosplay!

-[both] What are we wearing?
-What I tell you to wear.

So Little Sophie 4 is a no-go?

Stand up.

Turn around.

Your ass got bigger.

[sinister music playing]

[vocalizing]

[phone chimes]

[Vanessa on recording] Hey, Bae.
Tomorrow night, cosplay party.

You and your cousin
are the guests of honor.

I'll send my chauffeur
over at five on the dot.

-Look your best.
-Yes!

We got invited to a party this weekend
at Little Sophie's castle.

-And Dad is letting us go! [laughs]
-Shh.

[Pierre on phone] So, bae,
what are you doing this weekend?

Um…

Cosplay! Cosplay!

[laughing] Cosplay! Come on, cuz!

You must.

But in case Dad asks anything,
it's a girly-girl slumber party.

-[Pierre] Babe! Have any plans?
-Uh…

I guess a girly-girl slumber party
at Little Sophie's place.

[Pierre] Awesome! Sounds fun.

Whoa!

[Charlotte] Ooh! Wow!
I told you, cuz! It's a castle!

Whoo! Cosplay! [whooping]

She lives here all by herself?
Every single day?

When she was 15, she realized
her parents were taking all her money.

So then she got a divorce from them,

and she sent both of them
to live in Saint-Tropez on an actual boat.

It's actually so funny
because both her parents get seasick.

So great! [laughs]

[upbeat music playing]

[Charlotte] Hey!
Hi, there, Oscar from The Voice.

Just Oscar. Will you save a dance for me?

Yeah, I'd love to. I'll see you later.

[Vanessa] All good, sweetie?

-Sorry, I was actually just, um…
-Do you like Oscar?

Yes.

Uh, when you like a boy, but you have
zero sexual experience, do you…

Answer is yes. Answer is always yes.
You need to make your pancakes.

-Huh?
-You don't know the rule of pancakes?

-Mmm-mmm.
-The first one is shit.

Just like your first time fucking.

-I've never eaten pan--
-Let me explain it.

When you like a boy, ignore him.

Fuck someone else who you don't care about

so you can get some experience
under your belt, relieves the pressure.

[straining]

It's just kinda tight.

-Do you think I should stop breathing?
-Yes, good idea.

-[phone chiming]
-Hold on. [exclaims]

-Aw, it's Ben.
-Aw, Ben.

WHAT ARE YOU DRESSED AS?

Suddenly we like Ben who said,

-"I'm gay, but you're a queen"?
-He's so different on social media!

Maybe you should think
about making a move in real life tonight?

-[chuckling] Oh, you…
-[corset zips]

It's never gonna happen, girl!

[imitating chicken]

Yeah, yeah, go on and mock me!
I'm a chicken! Okay, sure!

-You sure are one.
-But, girl…

If I step out of my comfort zone,
will you do the same? Hmm?

I don't know what you're talking about.

-Is that right?
-That's right!

What book do you have
stashed away to read anyway, huh?

-Swann's Way or something?
-[laughs] Yes, actually.

[both imitating chicken]

[Charlotte] ♪ Hallelujah! ♪

-Okay.
-Mmm-hmm.

-Okay!
-[Charlotte] Cosplay!

-Cosplay! Ha! Who's ready to play?
-[both] Uh…

I, um, have a thing…

[door closes]

-What on earth are you dressed as?
-A nun whore.

Ah.

[somber piano music playing]

Jesus, these harmonies are so terrible.
More and more tense.

Come on. You have to let it build up.

I like your look.

-So, you're into Kurt Cobain?
-Yeah, sure.

Hey, Tao!

Don't you have something for me?

Hold on.

You know, I don't care if Vanessa
shares those videos or not.

Go ahead and take me down.

But just leave Célène alone.
She's a good person.

Thanks for the candy, bro.

[on video] Okay, so I'll send you
the contract as soon as it's ready.

And congratulations, beautiful!
Oh, my God, finally.

[monitor chimes]

[door opens]

You're late.

Here.

Thank you. Here.

Thank you.

Question, why are you in such a good mood?

Because I'm serving Charlotte cream pie
for dessert tonight, is that why?

-[laughing]
-You're disgusting.

I love it.

Let's do this.

["Dancer" by Vladimir Cauchemar
& alyona alyona playing]

[woman] Ooh, I can't take it anymore!

What was that?

[laughs] Who was it?

-I forgot about her!
-What exactly?

Oops.

What day is it?

♪ I believe I'm a dancer ♪

♪ I believe I'm a dancer
I believe I'm a dancer ♪

♪ I believe I'm a dancer
I believe I'm a dancer ♪

["Dancer" continues playing]

-Don't worry about the videos, it's done.
-Why would you do that for me?

Games have their limits. Here.

♪ I believe I'm a dancer
I believe I'm a dancer ♪

♪ I believe I'm a dancer
I believe I'm a dancer ♪

["Dancer" continues playing]

-[song stops playing]
-Are you having fun?

[all cheering]

Ready for the inside scoop
on something exclusive?

[all cheering]

I'm about to make
my big comeback with Little Sophie 4!

Tonight we're partying harder than ever!

-[all cheering]
-["Dancer" resumes playing]

♪ I believe I'm a dancer
I believe I'm a dancer ♪

♪ I believe I'm a dancer
I believe I'm a dancer ♪

♪ I believe I'm a dancer
I believe I'm a dancer ♪

♪ I believe I'm a dancer
I believe I'm a dancer ♪

["Dancer" continues playing]

[Julius] Whoa! You look so good, girl!

Shit's hot!

-[both] What are you dressed as?
-I'm dressed as Madame de Sevigné.

[both] Who?

No, babe, tonight
you're Madame de Fuck It.

We're about to live it up!

The first of the Rivas
to go from peasant to Duchess!

LITERATURE ALWAYS
ANTICIPATES LIFE #O.WILDE

["Call Me Maybe"
by Carly Jae Repsen playing]

-This is our song! Oh, yeah!
-Let's do it! Let's do it!

♪ I looked to you as it fell
And now you're in my way ♪

♪ I'd trade my soul for a wish ♪

♪ Pennies and dimes for a kiss ♪

♪ I wasn't looking for this
But now you're in my way ♪

♪ Your stare was holdin'
Ripped jeans, skin was showin' ♪

♪ Hot night, wind was blowin'
Where you think you're goin', baby? ♪

♪ Hey, I just met you and this is crazy ♪

♪ But here's my number ♪

♪ So call me maybe ♪

♪ It's hard to look right at you, baby ♪

♪ But here's my number
So call me maybe ♪

♪ Hey, I just met you and this is crazy
But here's my number ♪

-♪ So call me maybe ♪
-[song finishes playing]

-[soft guitar music playing]
-[Oscar] ♪ And the dream's here to stay ♪

♪ Tried to sing their song
But the wolves weren't there to play ♪

♪ Silent tear drops
Drowning a heart of clay ♪

♪ She wanted to be moon
But the morning stole her away ♪

♪ She wanted to be moon ♪

♪ Dreaming till the end of night ♪

♪ She couldn't face the truth ♪

♪ For her eyes were turned to the sky ♪

♪ She wanted to be moon ♪

♪ She wanted to be moon ♪

♪ Dreaming till the end of night
She couldn't face the truth ♪

♪ For her eyes were turned to the sky
She wanted to be moon ♪

♪ How's that for a disguise?
How could she ever bloom? ♪

♪ She was gone before sunrise ♪

[guitar music stops playing]

[dance music playing]

♪ One day my prince will come
Riding his big white horse ♪

♪ Should I waiting at home, dreaming of… ♪

Dude.

-Beat it.
-Okay.

[Charlotte gasps]

A pancake.

[dance music continues]
-♪ Pancake, pancake ♪

♪ Pancake
Don't even need to fake ♪

-♪ Pancake, pancake… ♪
-[Charlotte] Whoo! Whoo!

-Let's go! Oh, yeah!
-Uh, okay.

Roll camera.

-[giggles and yelps]
-Wait, what are you doing over there?

-[Charlotte] Whoo-hoo!
-Oh!

Ow! Teach me how to fuck like a goddess!

No, stop that! Rule number one,
no involuntary manslaughter by strangling.

-[Charlotte] Okay! Uh…
-Mmm-hmm?

[Charlotte] Rule number two,
let's make this pancake.

-No, you can let me do that. I got it.
-Okay. No, wait!

It's part of my training!

Hi, there!

Don't move. I'll be right back.

[exhales]

Okay.

"Push the condom
to the edge of the packaging

before ripping the opposite side open.
See figure…"

Um, rule number three,
please stop talking.

[Charlotte] Uh…

"Pinch the reservoir between your thumb
and index finger

so no air gets
trapped inside the condom area."

"See figure three…"

-[dance music continues]
-♪ Pancake, don't even need to fake… ♪

Oh, God…

Damn, girl, I want you.

-If you cheat on me, I'll kill you.
-Okay.

[dance music continues muted]

I'm ready!

Tristan?

Are you asleep?

[grumbles]

I'm hungry. I wish I had a hot-dog.

[gasps] A mermaid!

Oh, God!

-Forgive me, sister, I have sinned.
-[laughs coyly] Me too.

-I'm hungry.
-Oh.

Me too.

Do you think I'm fat?

You're perfect, like someone painted you.

[hip-hop music playing]

♪ Rollin' the dice, playin' the game
Livin' the life, hey ♪

♪ Rollin' the dice, playin' the game
Livin' the life, hey ♪

♪ Rollin' the dice, playin' the game
Livin' the life, hey ♪

♪ Rollin' the dice, playin' the game
Livin' the life, hey ♪

♪ Rollin' the dice, playin' the game
Livin' the life, hey ♪

♪ Rollin' the dice, playin' the game
Livin' the life, hey ♪

[hip-hop music continues]

[exclaims]

[hip-hop music continues]

[hip-hop music continues]

♪ Smokin' on that green-o ♪

-[hip-hop music continues]
-♪ Smokin' on that green-o ♪

[Tristan] For an instant, she transformed
everything around me into a dreamscape.

With startling speed,

the mysterious vision rippled out
over the four corners of my bed,

my chimney,

my wall.

I watched it all undulating,
as if I'd fallen from a horse,

and was left to wonder if

there was more
than one plane of existence,

something out there that runs counter
to us, the real plane of existence.

As it revealed itself to me,
I was filled with the rapture

that sculptors give
to the walking dead on the Last Judgment

when they stand on the doorstep
to the netherworld.

-[dance music continues]
-♪ Smokin' on that green-o ♪

-[music stops suddenly]
-[gasps]

[vocalizing]

Pancakes!

[whooping]

Here.

About last night, uh…

Did you like it?
I mean, did you enjoy yourself?

I mean, did you--

No. No, listen. Rule number four, you can
never fuck a guy who's unconscious.

Hey, cuz! Pour yourself some coffee!

["Top to Toe" by Emma Doo playing]

♪ Shivers, shakes
Cold sweat, aches, uh-oh ♪

[chewing] Pancake?

♪ Every little thing in my body
Says it's smiley face ♪

♪ Out of space, uh-oh ♪

♪ There's no way I could try to hide it
What's that feeling? ♪

♪ I don't know, I'm so numb… ♪

You coming?

It's not a trap.

-["Top to Toe" continues playing]
-Hmm?

Thanks for Charlotte, and good luck with
Célène now that you fucked her cousin.

Don't worry, you can thank me later.

-["Top to Toe" continues playing]
-♪ I think I'm in love from top to toe ♪

♪ Oh, no, no ♪

♪ I hate it already, I shoulda known ♪

-[Tristan] Ever heard of the lamias?
-So you believe in fairies?

They're not just fairies.

The lamias are spirits of rivers.

According to Basque mythology,
they live right here in these caves.

Apparently, they can
choose to help humans if they want,

help them achieve their dreams
as quickly as possible.

-I come here before competitions.
-And what would one look like?

A lamia fairy?

They look like humans.

Extremely beautiful…

bronze skin, incredible eyes and hair.

I'll have to show this place to Pierre.

He'd love it.

I bet…

you and Vanessa
have had some nice times here together.

Yeah.

But, no, um…

you're the first person
I've ever brought here.

["Desert Rose" by Lolo Zouaï playing]

♪ "Inshallah," that's what you say ♪

♪ You think I lost my faith ♪

♪ You won't speak my name ♪

♪ Forbidden, won't see you again ♪

♪ I chose a life of sin ♪

♪ Wish you could forgive ♪

♪ I got sharp edges, I get defensive ♪

♪ Too lost to care
Middle finger in the air ♪

♪ I'm sorry that I scared ya
Be my protector when I cross the Sahara ♪

♪ Take me there, take me there and… ♪

♪ Love me like a desert rose ♪

♪ Hold me like you can't let go ♪

♪ Keep me safe when I come home ♪

♪ Love me like a desert rose… ♪

Is this gonna hurt me?

Wait, you're…

You're not…

Yes.

I thought my wedding night would be the
night that I finally lose my virginity.

["Desert Rose" continues playing]

It's getting late.

We got a long drive home.

["Desert Rose" continues playing]

♪ I got sharp edges, I get defensive ♪

♪ Too lost to care
Middle finger in the air ♪

♪ I'm sorry that I scared ya
Be my protector when I cross the Sahara ♪

♪ Take me there, take me… ♪

-[song stops suddenly]
-Célène?

Hold on.

Stop! Stop!

I thought coming here
would be a nice surprise!

What's with the helmet? And who was
that guy driving the motorcycle?

You hate motorcycles!

-[Tristan] Célène. Is there a problem?
-What, dude?

Célène, can you explain to me
who this guy thinks he is?

Hold on.

Wait a minute, are you Tristan Badiola?

You're the one who took her surfing.

Is that it?

Pierre, please meet Tristan,
a friend of mine.

And this is Pierre…

my fiancé.

Nice to meet you, man.

Why don't you leave me
to speak with my fiancée, huh?

"Man."

[emotional piano music playing]

Do you have feelings for that guy?

Seriously, Célène?

Why would you say "yes" to me then?

[emotional music continues]

[music fading]

How was the nun whore?

All night long.

It was magical, I'm telling you.
Non-stop. Every position. It was wild.

So I'd say, basically, you should
bestow your graces on me, especially now.

Considering the favor I did
taking care of Charlotte, right?

[Vanessa] Hmm…

And does a tenor get applause
for just clearing his throat?

Where do you come up with this shit?

I'm a student
and lover of the cinematic culture.

-[chuckles softly]
-What about the Parisian girl?

Didn't go through?

Emotions got the best of me, I guess.

Is that so?

You're telling me you couldn't get it up?

I get it up whenever, wherever.

Yeah, clearly.

Just wait, I'll get it back.

Looking forward to seeing it.

[upbeat hip-hop music playing]

[man] Everybody, we're now opening the
auditions for The Princess of Montpensier.

-[influencers] Good luck, Vaness.
-I don't need luck.

I just need my talent.

[upbeat hip-hop music continues]

♪ Blood is in the water
Hide your kids and daughters ♪

♪ Outed like a mobster
Killing it for honor ♪

♪ Got a mystery, I'll make it history ♪

-[vocalizing]
-♪ I call it victory, I call it victory… ♪

First, let's just make this clear,
me auditioning is only a formality.

The prince or the servant,
I can play anything,

even the princess, if you wanna be fun.

Have you heard the one about the penguin
that breathes through its ass?

He sits down and dies.

[laughing heartily]

[rapping in French]
♪ Before my body fails me ♪

♪ And I die in the stalemate ♪

♪ I want to get the lead out
To my destiny I say ♪

♪ Oscar in the kitchen
Prince Charming straight outta Disney ♪

♪ I'm here to get you crunk ♪

[singing in English] ♪ Be a good girl ♪

♪ Do as your told, girl ♪

♪ Shut your mouth, girl ♪

♪ Be a saint ♪

[hip-hop music playing]

[in French] ♪ Quiksilver on my apparel
Give me your hand, drink from the barrel ♪

♪ I am the future of old-school rap
Don't worry about what race I am ♪

♪ Bombs going off in my head
My heart aches with what she said ♪

♪ Yes, bitch, I took home the trophy
ESPN wants to know about me ♪

♪ Time to take off the masks
Can't believe I'm Vanessa's man ♪

♪ What you see on TV ain't even real me
In the caves I wasn't ready… ♪

[Célène in English] Leave a message
and I'll call you back, I promise. Bye.

-[phone beeps]
-Célène, it's Tristan.

You've been ghosting me for ten days.
We have to talk.

I left you a message.
Now call me back. You promised.

Talk soon, Madame de Fuck It.

[dance music playing]

PERIL HAS ITS CHARMS #VOLTAIRE

[phone chimes and vibrates]

-Hello?
-[Charlotte] Stop! Stop, Oscar!

[panting] Listen, cuz, if my dad asks,
I'm still at rehearsal.

-[Charlotte moans]
-Why are you panting like that?

[giggles] Oscar!

-Am I really your first fuck?
-Yeah.

I mean, I did fuck about a dozen girls
at the convent, 'cause I was going insane!

-Are you serious?
-[laughs] Yeah.

[laughs] You're one of a kind, Charlotte.
You make me laugh.

No one makes me laugh.

Just, uh, I stopped hooking up
with other people because

I figured you and I…
could be something really serious.

What I'm asking is, uh, are we exclusive?

Uh, yeah, sure.

[dance music playing]

Okay, so we have
one hour until my mom comes home.

I'm gonna tell her I'm in love with you.

-Uh, no, you don't have--
-Just come in.

Hey, are you looking for this?

Whoever's worse off
gets the last spoonful.

Go.

-Pierre and I are so over.
-Ouch!

Ouch, but at least you had a man
and he asked you to marry him.

I've never even had a boyfriend,

and I've never had a girlfriend,

but now somehow I have both and…

I don't know who to choose.

I've become my mother!

I think, uh,
fear of commitment is definitely…

it's genetic.

Here.

[dance music playing softly]

IT WAS A ONE-TIME THING, MAN!
YOU'RE WACKO!

MAYBE I'M WACKO
BUT AT LEAST I KNOW WHO I AM

[dance music building]

AND I'M NOT AFRAID TO SHOW IT

[dance music playing loudly]

-[dance music fading]
-[all applauding]

Let me introduce you
to our new Count of Chabannes!

Thanks, Tao.

Now on to the rest of the roles…

The part of Henri de Guise, the wooer
who destroys the heart of the princess,

will be played by Mr. Tristan Badiola.

The Duke of Anjou
will be played by Ben Arcadi.

-Well done, bro!
-Yes!

-Oscar will be the Prince of Montpensier.
-Yes!

Julius, the count's servant,

and the role of the queen will
be played by the lovely Vanessa Merteuil.

-What are you doing?
-[gasps]

Damn.

She only has two scenes.

You think Vanessa Merteuil
will agree to play a supporting role

-in this amateur production?
-It's a great role and we end up together.

You're an actress, aren't you?
How long has it been since you performed?

Who'd be better
than Little Sophie to play the princess?

Finally, the part of the princess

will be played by the
super-talented Charlotte Riva.

-Great job, you're perfect for it.
-[Charlotte] So happy!

Couldn't be prouder of her. Look at that!

-Looks like she has a new friend.
-Yup, yup.

Mister, mister, so for costumes,
we'll all be in tights, right?

Here's everything, you can go nuts. Okay.

Now, we have three weeks to put together
a five-act play, let's get right to it.

[sighs] Can't believe it.

-We've just started rehearsing--
-Whoa. Mr. Badiola. Célène.

I'm not interested in your stories.
Your Act Five is straight bogus.

Yeah, it's well-written,
fine, but it's trash!

There's no soul, no emotion, zero!
It's supposed to be poppin' off!

The break-up scene
is what the audience is waiting for!

Mr. Riva, to be honest, I'm just not into
the way people spoke in the 18th century.

Is there a way we could update it a bit,
and use modern slang?

No, no, no. There's no such "way," brat.

You have 36 hours
to hit me with something fresh.

Something that would make Lucas proud.
Okay, go!

[teacher in background] Right, everybody.
Do you understand what I'm saying?

-You got it?
-[students] Got it.

-[teacher] Come on, say it with your gut.
-[students] Got it!

[teacher] Good. Great.

-Listen, what happened at the cave--
-Forget about it. Just drop it.

It never happened.

Why are you in costume?

'Cause my dad
doesn't do anything half-way.

I'm Charlotte's understudy.

-Does he know we've only filled 50 seats?
-No.

Madame de Fuck It
is getting a lot of followers.

You follow me?

Everyone does.

[emotional music playing]

♪ Starin' at the ceiling ♪

♪ It's becoming lighter now ♪

♪ Tears have dried
And the feeling's distant now ♪

YOU WHO SUFFER BECAUSE YOU LOVE,
LOVE STILL MORE #V.HUGO

♪ Or maybe I love the vacation ♪

♪ From my own anxiety… ♪

Balzac!

Balzac!

♪ When the foundation isn't there ♪

♪ And maybe I loved you ♪

♪ Or maybe I love the vacation ♪

♪ From my own anxiety ♪

-Hi.
-Hi.

♪ Maybe I love you
Or maybe I love the vacation ♪

-♪ From my own anxiety… ♪
-Hey!

How's my good boy?
That's right, that's right!

-Hey, Balzac!
-[dog barks]

-[Tristan] Wait up!
-[Célène] Balzac!

Why is there an empty frame?

My mom got it for me, it's for
when I win the world championship.

-[door opens]
-[dog barks]

[woman] What's going on here?

Why aren't you training, Tristan?

Mom, this is Célène Riva,
a friend from school.

-The dog's name is Balzac.
-Hi, how are you?

-We have some work to do--
-That's no problem.

Tomorrow, we'll just set the alarm
for 4:00 a.m. instead of 5:00.

You've been losing followers lately.

Everything okay with Vanessa?

Célène Riva… are you
the daughter of the theater director?

-That's right.
-What's your handle on Insta?

Um, I'm "Madame de Fuck It."

"De Fuck It" is nice. Is that Celtic?

250,000 followers?
Your mother must be proud.

What? What'd I say?

Célène's mother passed away two years ago.

[woman] She passed away?

-[phone ringing]
-Oh, excuse me, guys, it's Quiksilver.

Sorry. Here.

Yes, hello?
No, no, Sunday is perfectly fine.

-Tomorrow, we can work at my place.
-I got a better idea.

You like it?

It's pretty sweet.
But I don't see a desk for us to work.

I was actually
thinking we could work in there.

I'm gonna catch a wave or two,
but make yourself at home. All yours.

[upbeat music playing]

♪ It feels surreal
No sign of voices in my head ♪

♪ Now you keep repeating ♪

♪ That you only anyway ♪

♪ I just gotta love you ♪

♪ Got scared ♪

♪ How can I feel safe? ♪

♪ If you turn back on me ♪

♪ I know it's such a shame ♪

♪ 'Cause you belong to me ♪

[music fading]

What are you doing? No!
No, the waves are too dangerous!

Célène, no, stop!

No, go back!

[Célène yelps]

[Tristan] Célène!

Célène?

Célène!

[somber music playing]

[coughing]

Come on, let's warm you up.

Sorry about this.

But it's the best way
to raise your body temperature.

Don't worry, I know that
sleeping with me doesn't interest you.

[shivering]

You know, I fell in love with you
the first time I saw you.

I realized that back in the cave.

When we started to…

["Don't Watch Me Cry"
by Jorja Smith playing]

You were so beautiful.

You were so lost.

I couldn't do something
I would regret given the circumstances.

But the circumstances have changed.

Pierre and I are over.

Vanessa and I
aren't a real couple, it's all a front.

It feels good to say out loud.

-And so you too have never--
-No.

No, we've never slept together.

But I should tell you,
I almost slept with Charlotte.

Would that be a deal-breaker?

Yes, it would.

Three months ago, it would.

But now it doesn't matter.

I'm Madame de Fuck It, right?

Prove to me
the pancake rule is actually wrong.

["Don't Watch Me Cry" continues playing]

♪ Oh, it's harder when
You can't see through their thoughts ♪

♪ Now that I want to get in ♪

♪ But I want to see how your mind works ♪

♪ No, it's harder when
They don't know what they've done ♪

♪ Thinking it's best that they leave ♪

♪ Meaning that I'll have to move on ♪

♪ Oh, I wonder if you're thinking ♪

♪ "Is she all right, all alone?" ♪

♪ I wonder if you tried to call
But couldn't find your phone ♪

♪ Have I ever crossed your thoughts? ♪

♪ Because your name's all over mine ♪

♪ A moment in time, don't watch me cry ♪

♪ A moment in time, don't watch me cry ♪

♪ I'm not crying
'Cause you left me on my own ♪

♪ I'm just crying
'Cause I can't escape what could've been ♪

♪ Are you aware when you set me free? ♪

♪ All I can do is let my heart bleed ♪

WE ARE HAPPY ONLY THROUGH LOVE #LACLOS

♪ Maybe I shouldn't have cried
When you left and told me not to wait ♪

[song fading]

SEND TO
#THE WHOLE SCHOOL

-[phone chimes]
-Boom.

[Charlotte vocalizing]

-[vocalizing continues]
-[phone chimes]

[whooping on video]

[vocalizing continues]

What are you peeping over there?
Come on, tell me. Sounds pretty dope.

-Come on!
-[vocalizing continues]

-Hey! Be careful.
-Sorry! Sorry!

[Patrick] What?

[vocalizing continues]

[both giggling on video]

What a whore!

What an asshole.

-[yelling] Miss Riva!
-What?

[bell ringing]

[indistinct chatter]

Well, we are in deep, deep shit now.
Patrick, what happened to Charlotte?

Trust me, I want to find her
as much as you do so, I can kill her!

But she made a run for it!

Come on, babe,
the post wasn't an attack against you.

-But stop crying, you'll ruin your makeup.
-[crying loudly]

Hey, bro!

You guys know where Oscar is?

Oscar? So now Oscar's disappeared as well?

Charlotte isn't at home
and she's not answering her phone.

-[Tao] You tried her iPhone?
-iPhone? She has an iPhone?

I found Oscar.

We're totally screwed.

[Tao hyperventilating]

[snoring]

[hyperventilating stops]

Patrick, go out, get me a coffee,
an egg yolk, and two aspirins.

Tao, you're gonna take Oscar's part in the
opening number and play piano for Ben.

-What? But I don't have the music!
-Just improvise.

-[snoring continues]
-Célène, you're gonna replace Charlotte.

-No, but I can't act, Dad.
-Don't worry, you'll be fine.

-Charlotte can sing. I can't sing.
-I see what you mean.

You're right, let's just cancel.

I'll get the cash register and
make the announcement. Poor Lucas.

Go on, get dressed now.

-[thumping on floor]
-[slaps]

-[thumping stops]
-[audience exclaiming]

[all applauding]

[playing soft melody]

♪ You're gone, it's so dark ♪

♪ When I needed a sun ♪

♪ I'm falling apart ♪

♪ I'm rotting inside ♪

♪ You break me, forsake me
You crush me, you blame me ♪

♪ Always be failing
You did it, you break me ♪

♪ Always be falling ♪

♪ You'll take it, my will inside ♪

♪ 'Cause you tried to break my fall
But this time ♪

♪ I will stand tall under the storm ♪

♪ Tall under the storm ♪

♪ Ready for-- ♪

[piano stops]

[audience clapping]

You're gonna drink up.

-Ugh.
-[angrily] Faster. Faster. Drink up.

-But about your daughter, I--
-Shut your mouth.

[ethereal music playing]

[upbeat hip-hop music playing]

This is madness,
I'm betrothed to the prince.

There's no madness, because we're in love.

-Would you ever betray me?
-No, never.

Henri, if you are my true love,
the prince is my reason.

Reason always wins out, does it not?

♪ None realer than our love
It is not a fugazi ♪

♪ Being with you is amazing ♪

♪ I say that I mean it
It's a yes or a no, not a maybe ♪

♪ Bearing my love to the grave ♪

♪ Swearing this shit
Is our fate for the moment ♪

♪ I can hear you tip-toeing
Around my bimbo you dumb fuck ♪

♪ The girl is mine I'll wring her
With your head stuck under my armpit ♪

♪ I'm ready to best your speed
Roll the dice ♪

♪ I'm a soldier with a pocket knife
I'm begging you, please ♪

♪ Before you get stuck-up
Just shut the fuck up ♪

♪ You talk a lot of shit for a virgin ♪

♪ You invested with a chick
I'm invested in ♪

♪ Bested in less than a second
No match but I'll light you up ♪

♪ Till corpses burning ♪

Yeah!

Your feelings towards Henri de Guise
are too bold, Madame.

You are to marry the prince.

If you break off the union,
you will dishonor your father.

Mr. de Guise, let's run away! Let's flee!

All my obligations,
my duty, my work, my virtue,

are but nothing compared to
the profound love that unites us.

[upbeat hip-hop continues]

♪ Say bye-bye to your happy ending ♪

♪ You should not have defied me, darling ♪

♪ War is an art, I win every time ♪

♪ What use is it to cry?
You destroyed your purity ♪

♪ Our liaisons are dangerous
Dangerous ♪

♪ And there's no such thing as happiness
Happiness ♪

♪ Our liaisons are dangerous
Dangerous ♪

♪ And there's no such thing as happiness ♪

-[music fading]
-[audience cheering]

-[Tristan] We need to talk.
-I agree.

Bravo.

You fucked her.

But now drop her ass.

You have 30 minutes to get it done.

Tick, tock. Tick, tock.

-Except I'm out.
-What do you mean?

The challenge. You win,
the Guéthary beach house is yours.

You told Célène
that we weren't a real couple.

Right.

[menacing music playing]

And then what, sweetie?

We announce to
the whole world that we're over?

Yeah.

And what about your career?

Don't care anymore. I'm done.

You want war?

Take me down and I'll take you down.

Re-read the contract. You have dirt on me,
I have dirt on you. Now leave me alone.

You're absolutely sure about that?

Who was the one who taught you
how to install spyware?

I have dirt that you don't know about.

Go ahead and spread it,
I couldn't care less.

It's not on you.
It's on Madame de Fuck It.

And it's enough to ruin her life.

I have copies.

You disgust me.

You're gonna dump her
and you're gonna make it hurt.

[downbeat hip-hop music playing]

♪ The stars ♪

♪ Bring lovers together ♪

♪ They hear their hopes ♪

♪ Lonely hearts made for each other ♪

♪ Beneath the stars tonight ♪

♪ I will make history ♪

♪ Give you back your dice ♪

♪ Give me love's true kiss ♪

♪ Because ♪

♪ You lift me up ♪

♪ Give me your lips
I'll give you my heart ♪

♪ My star, my soulmate ♪

♪ Because you lift me up… ♪

[mouthing]

-Stop the music.
-[music fading]

My angel…

we can never see each other again,
let alone be together.

[whispers] It's not my fault.

What are you doing right now?

It's over between us. I'm over this.

Why can't you look at me?

Leave me alone.

I don't love you.

I loved you at the beginning.

But with all your precious principles,
your values, your virtue,

you got to be too much.

And I'm over it.

-It's not my fault.
-It's not your fault?

Wait, is there someone else?

Many of them, actually.

But one in particular.
And it's because of her, this is for her.

She's the reason
I'm putting an end to this.

-[softly] It's not my fault.
-My God, just stop saying that!

What do you mean, "It's not my fault"?
But you're actually right.

It's my fault.

I was so stupid.

Maybe it's not too late
to try and win back your perfect fiancé.

You forgot him quickly enough,
but maybe he's still waiting for you.

You're tearing me apart.

-I'm just realizing who I really am.
-Well, I know who you really are.

You're just an asshole
who's pretending to be a decent guy.

There's never
a good moment to dump someone.

Right here, right now,
is as good a time as any.

Why are you doing this?

He enjoys it, Madame de Montpensier.

This was all a bet.

-[audience] Bravo!
-[audience applauding]

[emotional rock music playing]

[cheering]

[Christophe] Thank you!

Congratulations to the talented students
of Victor Hugo High School!

[all cheering]

We should enjoy the new contract.

Get off me, stop!

I'll pass, thanks.

I told you, you disgust me.

You're a total fake.

-Do you even feel anything?
-Yes.

You just don't understand women.

Obviously not.

But I do know you'd never sleep with me
unless there was a game.

I'd never let you fuck me
in the first place.

But at least I just won my own
personal challenge.

You'd never really fallen in love,
but now that you have,

you sabotaged your own great love story.

And it's all for nothing.

POST

You're a psychopath!

You're completely sick! Don't you see?

You're nuts!

Your sweet fans, your pretty face,

what will be left in ten years
when you're a botox junkie, huh?

What about your audience?
What do you think they're gonna say

when they find out their
precious Little Sophie is 100% fake?

Well, you can fuck my audience!

Screw all of them. Do you understand?

-[audience] Bravo!
-[all clapping]

Bravo!

[phones chiming]

Hello, my loves. [sniffling]

I'm always there for you, but now
I'm gonna need you to be there for me.

My world is crumbling.

Tristan cheated on me
with Madame de Fuck It,

who was my friend,
and supposedly engaged to be married.

Can you believe it?

[audience exclaiming loudly]

[audience clamoring]

[ominous music playing]

[audience applauding]

[ominous music continues]

SEND TO
#THE WHOLE SCHOOL

[phones chiming]

[gasps] Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

I told you you talk too much.

You can only blame yourself for this one,
you joke.

[Vanessa on speaker]
Well, you can fuck my audience!

Screw all of them. Do you understand?

Little girls, moms,
fucking poor people, losers,

perverts that have nothing better
to do all day than follow me online.

Do you think
I even care about social media?

I was queen of the silver screen
ten years ago, God damn it!

And right before my big comeback,
Little Sophie 4, I got fucked!

They cast some ten-year-old,
those bastards.

They don't care about Vanessa Merteuil.

So now you see, I actually
hate my audience more than anything…

but they're all I have left.

[audience clamoring and booing]

[Tristan] How far would you go
to make a name for yourself?

Become part of the elite?

The elite, 200 years ago,
it meant having royal blood.

The aristocracy.

Twenty years ago, it meant being loaded.

Today, you can be noble or rich
and still be a loser.

Fuck!

[Tristan] Today, it's all about fame.

Once you've tasted it,

you'll do anything to keep it.

Even if it kills you.

[melancholy music playing]

[melancholy music continues]

[Pierre echoing] Célène!

Célène!

-[Célène coughing]
-[music continues]

What were you trying to do?

Why did you come back here?

Because I said
I wouldn't miss this for the world.

I said "yes" to you because…

my mother approved of you.

She just loved you.

Being with you, it was…

a way to stay connected to her, you know?

It wasn't right to you. I'm sorry.

Maybe proposing when I did was…

It was too soon.

I wanted to
take your mind off grieving her.

So you proposed to get married

out of pity for me?

No, out of love.

But our love is more platonic, isn't it?

[melancholy music continues]

[phone chiming]

Vanessa and I were never truly together.

It was a ploy to get more famous,
get more followers.

And we'd do these dumb challenges.

And Célène,
she was our challenge for this year.

"Fuck her and leave her like the rest,"
was the plan.

But the thing is that…

for the first time in my life,
I actually fell in love.

And Célène, those…

those things I said on stage…

I was trying to protect you.

It was an epic fail.

I'll always love you.

For real.

But that doesn't matter now.

[phone vibrates and chimes]

[Célène on phone] You can ruin a person's
life by choice or due to lack of strength.

Vanessa Merteuil wasn't
simply acting out of malice, and…

well, I forgive her
for her lack of strength.

Please don't attack her online
and don't smear her.

We do crazy things for fame
and for attention.

But no matter how many followers you have,

in the end,
there is no glory without love.

And love isn't about finding someone
who brings out the best in you,

but someone who shows you
who you really are.

Sometimes it takes several someones.

We don't get to choose how we love,
nor who we love.

Cuz, you're the most genuine
and the most wholesome person I know.

And anyone who doesn't realize that,
well, then they don't deserve you.

I love you, Charlotte.

-["Under" by Alex Hepburn playing]
-[woman] Hey!

♪ Don't leave me alone with me ♪

♪ See, I'm afraid ♪

♪ Of the darkness, and my demons
And the voices ♪

♪ Sayin' nothin's gonna be okay, hey ♪

♪ I feel it in my heart, soul
Mind that I'm losing ♪

♪ You, me, you're abusing ♪

♪ Every reason I have left to live… ♪

-I'm sorry.
-♪ Don't bury me… ♪

Even if you screw up along the way…
who cares, honestly?

My mom used to say,

"The world is forgiving
when you truly love someone."

♪ Underneath the ground
Don't say those words ♪

♪ I wanna live but your words can murder ♪

♪ Only you can send me under ♪

♪ Under, under ♪

♪ Lost trust, 21 grams of soul… ♪

"The world is forgiving
when you truly love someone"?

But can you ever
truly forgive me for everything I did?

Challenge accepted.

You make me want to be a good man.

Not just an asshole
who pretends to be a good man.

I gave it some thought.

Yes, I guess I do believe in soulmates.

♪ Words I threw that I can't take back ♪

♪ Reaching out… ♪

But I don't.

-[song stops playing]
-What?

-Just kidding.
-[song resumes]

♪ Don't bury me ♪

♪ Don't lay me down ♪

♪ Don't say it's over ♪

♪ 'Cause that would send me under ♪

♪ Underneath the ground ♪

♪ Don't say those words ♪

♪ I wanna live
But your words can murder ♪

♪ Only you can send me under ♪

-♪ Under, under ♪
-[song fading]

♪ I share my song, my soul, my heart ♪

♪ Hoping you will sing your part
Follow my lead ♪

♪ And take a leap
Now I'm born ♪

♪ You hold, you hold
You hold the note ♪

My sister,

Oscar,

Charlotte,

do you take each other

in a three-way harmony,
in sickness and in health?

[all] Yes.

I now pronounce the three of you married.

-You may now get your smooch on.
-[audience clapping]

[Christophe] Bravo! Bravo!

[all cheering and clapping]

[soft piano music playing]

[on video] Yo, everybody,
there's a new king of socials out there.

[laughs] King Julius!

I won't forget about you, but I'm just
gonna focus on my passion, rap.

-#BirdWish. Let's go!
-Yeah, Bird Wish!

[hip-hop music playing]

[Tristan rapping] ♪ Yeah ♪

♪ She wants a spanking
But I know how it feels to be hurt ♪

♪ Put in the dirt, but I'm done with it ♪

♪ How do I feel, that's my own business ♪

♪ Last in my class
On my way to be first ♪

♪ Back in the day
When my life was a blur ♪

♪ Just when I was
Singing my songs with me ♪

♪ I ain't trippin' off them perks ♪

♪ Yo, the vision, that's my destiny ♪

♪ Ooh, see me drop in the pool ♪

♪ Bangers on bangers
And ain't nothin' new ♪

♪ To the store we gonna shoot
Not by myself, I'm bringin' the crew ♪

♪ We ain't stoppin' for nothin' ♪

♪ My shit is dope
If they hate me, they're bluffing ♪

♪ Smoke in my lungs, I be coughing
Fight in the streets, getting tougher ♪

♪ I don't care about none of these
Motherfuckers that be dissin' me ♪

♪ At the end of the day
I'm a better rapper ♪

♪ And your girl should be kissin' me ♪

♪ Isn't it sickening?
The way I be gettin' it ♪

♪ It looks like
I'm done with this shit anyway ♪

♪ Look at the way I've been kickin' it ♪

♪ Flying two months before Elon
Second change like a respond ♪

♪ Duckin' them bullets like Neo
Shining brighter than a neon ♪

♪ Fuck all the L's that I took
Hubs that I shook ♪

♪ Hand-eater jobs
That I did for some loot ♪

♪ As soon as I learned
You can make a living ♪

♪ Out of rapping
And spitting your bars on a stoop ♪

♪ Spare me the trouble, man
Put the money in a duffel bag ♪

♪ Spare me the trouble, man
Put the money in a duffel ♪

-[chiming]
-♪ They don't care about my feelings ♪

♪ As soon as I sweat they be leaving
When I'm sad and low I don't see them ♪

♪ If I'm getting this bread
They won't eat it ♪

♪ For my birds, I tough it out in here ♪

♪ I call them my friends, my brothers
I call them my herd ♪

♪ Ain't no lying in my verse
From last to first ♪

♪ That's the meaning of the bird, bitch ♪

-[all] Whoo!
-[Tristan] Let's go!

Come on, everybody!
Everybody! Everybody in this place!

[all cheering and exclaiming]

[Tristan] Yeah! We got this!

Hey! Real G's on the stage!
Real G's on the stage!

[all exclaiming]

[hip-hop music fading]

-[soft guitar music playing]
-[Oscar] ♪ She wanted to be moon ♪

♪ And the dream is here to stay ♪

♪ Try to sing their song
But the wolves weren't there to play ♪

♪ Silent tear drops
Drowning a heart of clay ♪

♪ She wanted to be moon
But the morning stole her away ♪

♪ She wanted to be moon ♪

♪ Dreaming till the end of night ♪

♪ She couldn't face the truth ♪

♪ For her eyes would turn to the sky ♪

♪ She wanted to be moon ♪

♪ She wanted to be moon ♪

♪ Dreaming till the end of night ♪

♪ She couldn't face the truth ♪

♪ For her eyes would turn to the sky ♪

♪ She wanted to be moon ♪

♪ How's that for a disguise? ♪

♪ How could she ever bloom? ♪

♪ She was gone before sunrise ♪

[guitar music fading]