Danger - Love at Work (1937) - full transcript

♪ Danger - love at work

♪ Even though you can't detect it

♪ Listen, when you least expect it

♪ It knocks you down

♪ Danger - love at work

♪ When you do things son of stupid

♪ You can bet that Mr Cupid arrived in town

♪ You're gonna go,
you don't know when or where

♪ So bolt your windows, lock your doors

♪ Better be careful ♪
Danger - love at work

♪ It's the old familiar story



♪ When you think the night is glorious,
that's the start

♪ So don't you think that you're too smart, for...

♪ You'll slip and fall and break your heart

- Miss Higgs, I told you I wasn't to be disturbed.
- I know, but Mr Duncan insists on seeing you.

Well, tell him to wait a minute.

I didn't know Duncan was back from the South.

As I was saying, Bob, the lower courts may-

- Why, Allan.
- Mr Parsons, I quit.

- Now, Allan, you must...
- I quit.

Mr Parsons, I've been with this firm
for a good many years.

I've never shirked an assignment yet.

- But these Pembertons are too much for me.
- Now, sit down, Allan. Sit down.

The Pembertons own the property
the Westchester Hunt Club's trying to buy.

Oh, yes. The club offered a substantial price,
as I remember. Seemed a very simple matter.



A very simple]?

There are eight heirs to the property.

All I had to do was to get their signatures
to the deed. Sounds simple, doesn't it?

- I quit.
- Oh, sit down, Allan. You're overwrought.

- Take a rest.
- I'm going to take a rest, Mr Parsons.

I'm going to a sanitarium for six months -
for a year.

Somewhere, anywhere I'll never again
hear the name of Pemberton.

They're mad, I tell you. They're mad!

Allan, Mr Pemberton's a famous scientist.
He may be a bit eccentric, but...

A bit eccentric? Mr Hilton, listen to me, please.

Three months ago, I was a well man.

Happy, laughing, carefree.
My appetite was good.

Then I was assigned to clear the title
to the Pemberton property.

Mr Hilton, I ask you.
What was the obvious thing to do first?

- Correspond with them.
- Just so. I corresponded with them.

If you can call it that, to write over a hundred
letters without receiving one word in reply.

I wrote mild, imploring letters.
I wrote stern, pre-emptory letters. No answer.

- They never answered?
- Not one word.

- What would you have done next, Mr Hilton?
- Get in touch with them personally.

Precisely. I did just that.
But it's not as simple as it sounds.

They're a much-travelled family.

I chased down two old maid aunts
in Connecticut.

I pursued Mr Herbert Pemberton to Boston.

The old maids wouldn't answer the door.
Herbert threw a paint pot at me.

It seems I disturbed his mood
while he was painting.

They do seem strange,
but calm down, you're quivering.

I heard most of the family had gone to Aiken.
I followed them. Oh, what people!

Mr Parsons, I feel like a fool.

I've been on this assignment for six months,

and as yet, I haven't even broached the subject
to any one of them.

I think it better all around if I just resign
and go away.

Oh, calm yourself. Take a rest.
We'll give this assignment to someone else.

- We'll put someone else onto the Pembertons.
- Poor fellow. I feel for him.

Let's send Henry MacMorrow.

Oh, I know it sounds silly, JP,
but think it over a minute.

- He's so lackadaisical.
- These people will wake him up.

Come to think about it, he might be just the man.

- Yes, Mr Parsons?
- Miss Higgs, get Mr MacMorrow for me.

Yes, sir.

Allan, you go home and get a rest.

Poor MacMorrow. I feel sorry for him.

Ha! Wait until he meets Junior.

- Junior'?
- Yes. The youngest Pemberton child.

Ten years old. In years. But a prodigy.

- A prodigy?
- Yes, he's already graduated from high school.

With the highest scholastic averages ever made
by a high school student.

- At ten years of age?
- Yes.

He's ready to enter Harvard. At ten, mind you.

And reads, writes and speaks 12 languages.
Including the Ancient Egyptian.

You just go on home, Allan,
and take a nice long rest.

Thank you, I will.

Mr MacMorrow has left for the day.

His secretary says he will be in Central Park
feeding pigeons until five o'clock.

After that, he usually goes to the aquarium.

Well, have Jones get hold of him
and explain the Pemberton matter thoroughly.

And get reservations
on the night train for Aiken.

And have MacMorrow at the depot on time.

I'll meet him with the papers
and give him his last-minute instructions.

Yes, sir.

The aquarium? Feeding pigeons?

If those Pembertons are really crazy,
Henry will feel right at home.

Mason Dixon flyer, get on board!

- Less than two minutes! Where can he be?
- Jones will find him, Mr Parsons.

Jones always finds him. He knows his habits.

The habit of no sense of responsibility
and always being late.

He's a fine young fellow.
He's been spoilt by too much money.

He needs some incentive.
Here he comes. I knew Jones would find him.

- Hello, Mr Parsons. Have some peanut brittle?
- No, Henry.

Your Pullman is up ahead
and I've sent your baggage on.

The documents are all here.
I hope you realise how important this is to us.

But it's not difficult.

I go to Aiken, have the Pembertons
sign the papers and bring them back.

But it may not be so simple. We've written
Pemberton time and time again, but no reply.

Well, you know how those famous scientists are.

The Westchester Hunt Club is very anxious
to clear this title, and I expect results.

The papers are as good as signed.

Here are your tickets.
The best I could do on short notice was a Lower.

- Thank you, Mr Parsons. I'll do my best.
- One more thing, Henry.

In the three years you've been with us
since your father died,

I can't say you've set the world on fire.

I admit that, but it isn't my fault.
Look at the cases I'm given.

- Well, you've got your chance now.
- If I fail, you can kick me out of the firm.

I'll spend my days in Central Park,
feeding pigeons.

I'll remember that. Wait a minute.

The reason you're on this train

is that Antoinette Pemberton, daughter of
the man we want to do business with, is aboard,

to join her family at Aiken.
Get acquainted with her.

It's as good as done, Mr Parsons. Goodbye.
Don't worry.

Goodbye, Jones! Goodbye, Gil!

Well, boys, I think he'll put this over all right.

I have a hunch he'll come back
with the papers all signed.

The papers! He's forgotten them!

The briefcase! Ha-ha!

Goodbye! Goodbye!

Hey!

Oh, where are we?

Say, did Clementine sleep here last night?

- What?
- Clementine.

She likes to sleep in a different bed every night.

- No, no. Go away, go away.
- Are you sure she isn't here?

Yes, I am. Go away. Go away.

You prevaricator!

HENRY; What is this?

Ooh! Ooph!

- Clementine, aren't you ashamed of yourself?
- Take that away. Hey! Get it away!

Take it away, son. What is this?

Porter, what time is it?

- 5:00am, sir.
- Oh, five o'clock!

Will you call me
as soon as the dining car opens? And listen.

If you see any stray animals, I don't want any.

- Animals?
- Yes, I don't want any.

Ssh!

Yes, sir. Orange juice, black coffee
and Eggs Benedict.

Thank you.

- Morning.
- Oh, you again?

Good morning, young man.

You taking the trip all alone?

They do things so much better on the Continent.

There, a waiter would never dream of asking
impertinent questions.

Pineapple juice, Shredded Wheat, pancakes,
buttered toast, marmalade and coffee.

- Say! You're a member of the Sig Beta Phi!
- Yeah.

İfs one of the most interesting
of the Greek letter fraternities.

Founded in 1778 by...wait a minute...
Jupiter Claypool Adams.

Say, you know a lot about Sig Beta.

When you grow up and go to high school,
are you going to join?

I have graduated from high school.

Oh. I see.

Uh-oh. Waiter! Serve me over there!

Here you are, sir. Eggs Benedict.

- Ah, Eggs Benedict!
- Will you go away!

- There's an interesting story about that dish.
- All right, all right.

They say that Napoleon H's chef,
Benedict Cheminard,

most likely under the influence of grog,

poured hollandaise sauce on the eggs
instead of the asparagus.

Yes, yes.

Napoleon enjoyed the dish
and named it Eggs Benedict.

You don't say.

Putting half an olive on each egg
wasn't done until much later.

Yes, that's very funny.

Remarkable how much they resemble
a dead man's eyes.

Yes. Huh?

Oh. Um...

Er... I don't think I'm hungry.

Waiter! Cancel my order!

- My briefcase!
- It's imitation leather.

Why...why, you little brat!

I ought to wring your neck!

- Now, now! No violence!
- Those are valuable papers!

- You're a prodigy, eh?
- Help!

- Well, I'm gonna make you smart on both ends!
- Help!

Murder! Police!

- Ow! What are you...?
- Help! Murder! Police!

Take your hands off that child!
Let go of him, you big bully!

But my briefcase.

You should be proud of yourself,
beating children!

- Let me explain.
- Don't change the subject. Shameful!

- I'm taking very important papers to Aiken.
- That's no excuse.

İf you lay a hand on him,
I'll have them throw you off at the next stop!

- Come on, Junior.
- Look!

Oh! Oh, you... You little...

Your sister's quick thinking saved your life.

- Why were you fooling with the man's papers?
- It's on account of Professor Jordan's theory.

What?

Professor Jordan's theory about people
who have wavy brown hair.

What are you talking about?

You see,
Professor Jordan has promulgated a theory

that people with wavy brown hair
are extremely apt to become violent,

when subjected to constant irritation.

And the gentleman has wavy brown hair,
hasn't he?

Oh, yes. A fine specimen.

I was bored by the trip until I saw him.

Now let me see...

How can I annoy him until we arrive at Aiken?

Oh, porter! Did you find out the number of
Miss Pemberton's reservation?

Miss Pemberton'? Yes, sir.
She's in drawing room A.

That's the young lady
just gave you the business, sir!

What?

Oh!

Why, you little...!

- I want to go to...
- I saw it first!

Look!

Oh, Junior! Oh, Junior!

Oh, Junior! All over you! Oh!

- Wait. I'll be going right back to the station.
- OK.

Welcome to Pemberton Manor, sir.
The family is expecting you.

- They knew I was coming?
- They're most anxious to meet you, sir.

You took a cab, sir?
We sent a car to the airport for you.

- But I came by train.
- Oh. It'll not be necessary to announce you.

You can freshen up in there
and join the family in the drawing room.

Thanks.

This window will be regarded
by future generations as my masterpiece.

I can see it years from now.

Set up in the Louvre, like a shrine.

I'm not longer a surrealist. I'm a post-surrealist.

What are you doing now, Herbert?

I call it The Love Life Of A Cup And Saucer.

My goodness! Are they that way too?

Mm! Now here's a rare item! Found only in
the collection of the Tsar Nicolas ll of Russia.

This is a Moldavia 1858.

- This stamp really has a very interesting history.
- I'm sure it has, Alan.

But what good are cancelled stamps?
You can't mail letters with them.

- Er...
- Oh! Here he is at last!

- How do you do?
- How do you do?

- I'm Tom's mother.
- I'm Henry MacMorrow.

And this is her brother Herbert
and her uncle Alan.

Alan is my brother, and Herbert,
being Tom's brother, makes Herbert my son.

I'm Alice Pemberton.
What did you say your name was'?

- Henry MacMorrow.
- Oh, stop joshing me!

- I know it's Howard.
- No, it's Henry.

Oh, but I know better.
I remember reading Tom's letter.

She said, "I have become engaged
to a man named Howard Rogers."

- So your name can't be Henry.
- Are you interested in philately?

No, I'm Henry MacMorrow,
of Parsons, Hilton, Trent and MacMorrow.

- Mrs Pemberton?
- Yes?

Cook's drunk again.

Oh, dear.
That's twice this week, not including her day off.

I'll see what I can do.

He's better looking than last year's fellow.
I wonder what's wrong with him.

There's always something wrong with
Toni's fiances. Perhaps he hasn't any money.

- Have you any money?
- Yes, I have.

Oh. Well, it must be something else.

- Perhaps he's a little bit feeble-minded.
- Perhaps.

- Say er... I would like to...
- I've sent your luggage to the green room, sir.

- This way, please.
- Oh, just a minute, butler.

- I'd like to explain.
- There are some old easels and paints.

- You see, I'm not...
- But I don't suppose you'll stay long.

Wait a minute! Now there's been a big mistake.

- Where is Mr Pemberton'?
- There is Mr Pemberton, sir.

- Mr Pemberton, I'm Henry MacMorrow.
- Please! I'm very busy!

But, Mr Pemberton! Please.

- Mr Pemberton.
- Please come back some other time.

Come back next week, next month.
I'm very busy.

My daughter's bringing my son here
for the holidays.

Welcome home.

- Where's Papa?
- He's in the study.

- I hope you had a pleasant journey.
- Yes, thank you, Wilbur.

Will you see that the bags are taken care of?

- Hello, Papa!
- Welcome home, Junior!

- What's this?
- Your surprise.

Papa bought it for your homecoming.
Just what you wrote me you wanted.

A toy! I meant a real one!

A real bear? I don't think we can do that, Junior.

You remember your ostrich
and the trouble we had with the neighbours.

- You'll have to be satisfied with this one.
- A teddy bear! It's too adolescent!

Papa! He kicked me!

Don't be silly, Junior. How could he?
I've been here all the time.

Not here, in the depot.
He kicked me in a public place!

- Now just a minute. Let me explain.
- I'll go get help!

- Is this true, young man? Did you kick my son'?
- Please, Mr Pemberton, let me explain.

What is the meaning of this?
Who are you, anyway?

- He's Miss Toni's fiancé, sir.
- Miss Toni's fiancé!

No! There's a misunderstanding.
If you'd just let me talk.

Hello, Papa.

Now, Toni, this is really going too far.

You've got to be more careful about
what sort of fiance you bring here.

- This fellow claims he kicked Junior.
- I didn't say that.

Kicked Junior? If you weren't Toni's fiancé,
I'd rend you limb from limb.

He's not my fiancé.
He's a brute who struck Junior.

- Struck Junior? He's a beast. Call the police.
- Yes, call the police!

Shut up! Now, I've stood about enough of this.

Listen to me! My name is MacMorrow.
I'm not engaged to this young lady.

I came here on business
and you mistook me for somebody else.

- Isn't he your fiancé?
- No.

- Are you sure?
- Absolutely.

- Then that settles everything.
- It doesn't settle anything.

I came here to talk business.

Oh, you're the lawyer who wrote all those letters
from New York!

- At last we're getting somewhere.
- You remember, Papa. I gave them to you.

- Oh, yes. Letters.
- Papa?

Papa, have you been
throwing your mail away again?

- Papa, you promised not to do that any more.
- I have so much to think about.

- What does it concern?
- I told you about it.

- Mr Mac...Mac...
- MacMorrow.

- ...Mac-whatsit here represents a kennel club...
- A hunt club in Westchester.

Anyway,
they want to buy the farm Grandpa left us.

I don't think we ought to do business
with a man who kicks children.

Oh, Herbert, it's very simple.

All we do is sign a paper, and then
Mr Mac-whatsit here gives us $100,000.

No... $100,000?

- Each?
- Er...no.

Now, if you'd just let me explain the situation.

The Westchester Hunt Club
wishes to buy this land to enlarge its premises.

And it's willing to pay $100,000,
which you heirs will then divide.

Now, inasmuch as your deceased grandfather,
Mr Herbert Pemberton died intestate...

Mrs Pemberton.

- Yes?
- Cook's throwing eggs at the ice man.

Oh, my goodness! Tell her to stop.
Eggs, at 45 cents a dozen!

I told her, but she won't stop.
She's drinking Mr Herbert's sherry

and says he reminds her
of her second husband, and he beat her.

Herbert beat the cook?
Or does she mean the ice man?

Oh, well, I guess we'll have to lock her
in the mop closet again. Call Wilbur.

Oh, excuse me, please.
I have to see about the dinner.

Dinner? Oh, I must dress.
You'll excuse me, please.

Excuse me.

- Excuse me.
- Junior!

- Did you kick Junior hard?
- Oh, not hard at all.

- I'd scarcely call it a kick.
- Oh, that's too bad.

I suppose you think we're all a little crazy.

- A little crazy? I wouldn't say that.
- Excitable, then. We're excitable.

You see, Grandfather raised us all,

and he believed everyone should live without
inhibitions - do anything you want, any time.

Great, if you get away with it,
but the police might object occasionally.

Oh, they do, occasionally.

Like the time Mama went wading
in the fountain at The Plaza.

But the judge only fined her $100 and I think
that's very cheap for doing what you want to.

If you have the hundred.

She lost her purse in the fountain,
but borrowed the money from the judge.

- Have you a comb?
- No.

You'd better get one.
Your hair's a little mussy and you look flustered.

I guess the excitement kind of got me.

If this wasn't my last chance,
I'd run away and let somebody else do this job.

Your last chance?

If I fail here, there'll be one nameless
on the firm's stationery.

Oh, my goodness!
We mustn't let that happen. That's terrible.

- Have you a wife and some children to support?
- No.

Oh, then it wouldn't be so bad.

- I know! You've got a poor old mother.
- Well, I...

I know what I'll do. I'll bring the family together
after dinner, explain how serious this is,

then you can get their signatures,
you won't lose your job

and your poor old mother will be all right!

- Thanks very much.
- You're welcome.

Nice of you to help me.

I'd better go to the hotel and change,
if I'm coming for dinner.

- Is my cab still waiting?
- No, sir. I sent him away.

- But my bag!
- In the green room.

Will you get it for me, please?

I'm sorry, sir, I can't lift it.
My arm hurts where the cook kicked me,

when we locked her in the mop closet.

- Oh, please stay, Mr...
- MacMorrow.

- We have plenty of room.
- Well, all right.

- Thanks very much.
- Oh, not at all.

Oh, just a minute!

- Do you believe in Professor Jordan's theory?
- Professor Jordan? I've never heard of him.

- Well, you will.
- I...

- ls something wrong, sir?
- What is that?

That is one of Mr Herbert's inspirations, sir.

- He calls it Friendship.
- Friendship?

Yes, sir. His theory in this particular painting is

that knives, forks and spoons
are always together and help each other out.

He said something about
the sublimation of the inanimate.

- I didn't quite understand him.
- You don't say.

How did he get up on the ceiling?

He suspended himself upside down
on the chandelier.

Oh, he... Huh?

Remarkable.

He has another inspiration
that he's painting on the floor of his bedroom.

I'm sorry I can't show you that, sir.

Naturally,
no-one can step in there until it's completed.

- No-one?
- Not even Mr Herbert, sir.

He's sleeping in the garage until it's finished.

I've started your bath running, sir.

Thanks, I prefer a shower.

Sorry, but Master Junior has removed
the shower pipes

to make piston rods
for a Caterpillar tractor he's building.

You don't say.

- Will there be anything else, sir?
- No, I'm fine.

Oh, Wilbur!

Could you enlighten me about this one?

Mr Herbert calls it The March Of Time, sir.

Uh-huh.

- May I ask you a question, sir?
- Certainly.

Was it a very severe kick
that you gave to Master Junior?

Well, if he'd been a football,
I'd have punted 5O yards.

Please accept my congratulations, sir.

Pleasure.

Good evening.
Do you mind if I borrow a razor blade?

Er...er...

My, my! You're skinnier than the last man
she was engaged to.

Huh?

Ooh! Ooh! What...'?

Ooh!

What is...?

Now, sit down, pay attention. Mr Mac-whatsit
has something very important to say.

I'll just read the terms of the document,
and if you're all agreed,

then each of you can sign a power of attorney
and I'll give you the check.

- Now, whereas the Westchester Hunt...
- Oh, dear! I am so sorry.

- Will you have some coffee?
- No, thanks.

Now, whereas the Westchester Hunt Club,
hereinafter known as the party of the first...part,

is anxious, desirous and willing to acquire
for the sum of $100,000

the plot of land known as the West 6O
of the Northeast 180...

- I am confused.
- Oh, don't be stupid, Herbert.

He means Grandpa's farm.

Yes. You remember Grandpa, Herbert.
He had a bald head.

Oh, yes. Yes.

Now, go ahead, go ahead and read it.

I'll start again.

Now, whereas the Westchester Hunt Club,
hereinafter known as the party of the first pan,

is anxious, desirous and willing to acquire
for the sum of $100,000

the plot of land known as the West 6O
of the Northeast 180

of the Southwest section of
the Chicawassa County.

Oh, isn't that pretty? Chicawassa.

Through the forest dark and gloomy
came the voice of Chicawassa

calling to his Gitche Gumee -
calling, calling, calling...

...of Chicawassa County.

Aforementioned property being...

...aforementioned property
being the property of the heirs of Herbert...

...Tillamook Pemberton,

being the property of the heirs
of Tillamook Pemberton,

and heirs thereinafter known as the parties
of the second part...

- Psst!
- Ssh!

...said heirs being the party of the second...er...

_
_ Yes?

Can you let me have three bucks till payday?

- Yes, certainly. Take it out of my purse.
- Thanks.

My bookmaker is hounding me.

- Yes?
- Yes.

...said heirs being the party of the second parts -
I mean, heir of the second deceased...

I mean, said heirs hereinafter being known as
the parties of the second part...

- That's us.
- Yes.

Isn't that nice? I mean, it's better than being
third or fourth, don't you think? Oh!

Oh, look! I've knitted myself into Papa's scarf!

Oh, my gracious!
Now, don't...don't get excited.

- All you have to do is just take the needle out.
- Oh!

- There you are.
- You've ruined the whole thing.

- Uncle Albert, really!
- I'm awfully sorry.

I know nothing about knitting. I just wanted
to do my bit. Oh, as you were saying.

- Do go on now.
- Hm.

The heirs of Herbert Tillamook Pemberton,
deceased and...

and heirs hereinafter being known as
parties of the second part...

Again!

Again that brat's been spreading jam and
shoe blacking over my masterpiece! I'll kill him!

He ruined my masterpiece! My life's work!

All right, all right! This time I won't kill him.

- But next time...
- And don't worry.

We'll send for a window-washer at once
and you can do it all over again.

Oh, Wilbur.
Telephone for a window-washer instantly!

Now, everybody sit down,
and we'll hear more about the farm.

All right, Mr Mac-whatsit...

Oh. Oh, he's gone!

My goodness!
That young man disappeared just like magic.

You don't suppose he's a magician, do you?

He's probably crazy.
Said he was going to give us $100,000!

Mr Mac-whatsit?

Er... Mr Mac-whatsit?

- What's the matter? Where are you going?
- Downtown to a hotel.

- Why'?
- I'm a nervous man, Miss Pemberton.

- Look at my hand quiver.
- But you haven't got the signatures.

No, and if I keep talking to your family,
I'll wind up in a zipper jacket.

So I'll go down to the hotel and get a suite,
then, one by one, I can lure them down there

and work on them individually.

But this Way's so easy. You just stay here,
they all sign the papers and everybody's happy.

No, Miss Pemberton. I'd
like to, but... Hm.

Well, I've got to think of my digestion.

But er...Mr Mac-whatsit, please!

- Don't spoil my good deed.
- Your good deed?

Yes. I said to myself, "Toni, he's a hardworking
young man with a poor old mother to support,

and if you don't help him, he'll lose his job."
That's what I said to myself.

And how did you answer yourself?

I said, "All right, Toni, you help him
and then that'll be your good deed."

Of course, there's another reason
I don't want you to go.

- And that is?
- Blue eyes and wavy brown hair.

- They go very well together.
- What are you talking about?

Your hair and eyes.

Well er...we'd better talk about something else.

- All right, then. What will we talk about?
- Well...l don't know. Er...

- Let's talk about your fiancé.
- Oh, him!

- He hasn't got blue eyes. But he's masterful.
- Masterful?

Oh, yes. Very.
You know the Rogers Secret of Success?

You see the ads everywhere.

Be aggressive, grab the bull by the horns.
Opportunity knocks but once - grab it.

- All in six easy lessons for $50. You know.
- Yes, I've seen the ads.

Oh, sure you have. Well, he's Rogers.
Howard Rogers.

- He doesn't sound as if I'd be very fond of him.
- Oh, I'm sure you wouldn't be. I'm not.

Wait a minute. You say you're not fond of him
but you're engaged to him?

- How come?
- I couldn't help it. He's so masterful.

- Wait till you meet him.
- I'm not going to meet him. I'm leaving.

No, no. Don't start that all over again.
Now, please, I want you to stay.

- Where's the family?
- In the drawing room. I'll announce you.

I'll announce myself!

- Hurry! Where have you been? It's been hours!
- What?

- Don't stand there talking, wash it!
- Wash what?

You must excuse him,
he gets so upset over his silly paintings.

- I don't understand.
- It's simple.

Just wash the painting off that window
so Herbert can do it again.

The cook can't cos she's in the mop closet.

- Did you bring a mop?
- A mop? What is all this?

I have never in my life...

Quiet! There's some misunderstanding here.
Now, pay attention, everybody.

I am Howard Rogers.
You are, evidently, my fiancee's family.

- Oh, you're Tom's fiancé!
- I certainly am.

- And where is Toni?
- She's upstairs in Mr Mac-whatsit's bedroom.

Very well, tell her I'm here.
Mr Mac-whatsit's bedroom? Who is he?

We don't know him.

You don't know him, and she's in his bedroom?
Very careless of you.

- Who is the man?
- Practically a stranger to us.

- You see, we thought he was you.
- What?

That is, we thought that he was the fiancé,
Tom's fiancé.

- Naturally, we didn't think any harm.
- I'm going to find out all about this!

All right, you win. I'll have one more try at them.

I promise I'll make them listen.
I really want to help you.

On account of your poor old mother, I mean.

You know, I've always said to myself,
"Toni, if you could ever find anybody..."

- Oh, my goodness. It's Howard.
- You bet your life it is!

- What are you doing upstairs with this man?
- He's a lawyer.

- That makes everything all right.
- Not with me!

How do I know he's a lawyer? I mean,
what difference does it make if he is a lawyer?

- I demand an explanation!
- We thought...that you were he.

Well, anyway, he promised us $100,000.

- What for?
- For Grandpa's farm.

Why do you want to buy Grandpa's farm?

That concerns the Pemberton family,
and them alone, if you don't mind my saying so.

I certainly do mind your saying so!
Very soon, I'll be a member of the family,

so explain this proposition to me!

There isn't much to explain.

Their grandfather left them a farm
and I'm making a good offer for it.

- What do you want it for?
- I don't want it.

You don't want it,
but you're willing to pay 100,000 for it.

- There's more here than meets the eye.
- Listen carefully!

I don't want it.
I'm making this offer on behalf of my client.

- Who's your client?
- A sportsmen's club.

Sounds very peculiar to me.
How do we know you represent this club?

- I'm telling you so!
- You could tell us anything!

- We don't even know who you are!
- Henry MacMorrow,

from the firm of
Parsons, Hilton, Trent and MacMorrow,

Empire State Building, 78th floor.
Suite and telephone number are in the directory.

Don't becloud the issue with words.
A real businessman wouldn't need to.

He would simply produce a card.

- Or maybe you've lost your card case.
- Of course I have a card.

Oh.

- Well, er...
- Hah!

Er... I guess when I changed my things...
You know how it is.

L...l didn't change things from my other suit.

Where is your other suit?

Why, I packed it. It's in my bag upstairs.

All ready for a quick getaway, eh?

Oh, I tell you, this is just as plain
as the nose on your face.

This man is a malefactor.

He's a confidence man. Bag all packed
and near the door! No identification.

Comes here with a cock-and-bull story
about an imaginary client.

Oh, stop it, Howard. You can't insult him
like that. You're only guessing.

It's a mighty good thing for you
that I arrived when I did.

That's me. In-the-nick-of-time Rogers.

Even if I did have to wait four hours in the airport
for your car!

Four hours? We must speak to Mike about that.

Oh.

Sorry I dropped the bags,
but I was thinking about something else.

Mike, Mr er...
this gentleman waited four hours for you.

When I got to the airport, he was gone,
so I picked up his bags and brought them.

- Tell the truth. Where have you been'?
- Honest, Mrs Pemberton.

- I didn't know it was going to be a triple bill.
- A triple bill?

There must be some son of system around here.

You simply must stop keeping people waiting
while you go to picture shows.

Sir, I didn't know that it was a triple bill.

With a short and a newsreel, and after I paid my
30 cents, I didn't want to miss Mickey Mouse.

- I don't blame you.
- Was it Mickey Mouse In The Alps?

No, Mickey Mouse And The Sheriff.

Mickey was living in a house,
and the sheriff gave him a dispossessed notice.

The sheriff and Horace drive the wagon up to
the back door and start moving out the furniture!

The piano didn't want to leave.

Every time they put the piano on the wagon,

the piano would wait until everyone was out
of sight, then it would sneak back into the room.

Mr Mac-whatsit! Mr Mac-whatsit!

Come in here!
You're making a spectacle of yourself!

- Oh, he's gone.
- So what? Come in here!

Mr Mac-whatsit!

- Mr Mac-whatsit!
- Stop that!

Besides, he said his name was MacMorrow.

MacMorrow! That's it!

- What?
- MacMorrow.

MacMorrow. That's it.

The young man with the blue eyes
and the wavy brown hair.

- He's in Central Park feeding the pigeons.
- Oh, isn't that sweet?

Feeding the pigeons.

But what's he doing sitting in the park?
Is he fired?

You won't give me any more information?
Well, is that so? I'll find out for myself!

Sniffy...Sniffy, did you hear that?

He's sitting all alone in the park,
with nobody but pigeons.

Sniffy, we're going to find him right away.

You come with me and we'll go for a walk...
in the park.

Sniffy.

Mr Mac-what...Mr Mac-whatsit! Mr MacMorrow!

- What are you doing here in New York?
- I came to find you.

- But why?
- Because of your poor old mother.

- Why did you run away from us?
- Well, I had to.

I was beginning to hear strange voices
whispering in my ear.

Whispering in your ear? Oh, you poor boy.
You lost your job and you're broke.

- Are you on the breadline?
- Well, I...

I think that's perfectly terrible.
Does it make you nervous to stand in line?

Well er...very.

Oh, I know it's hard to get a job.
My cousin Albert hasn't worked all his life.

Here. You must let me lend you some money.

- Oh, but I couldn't accept money from a woman.
- Don't have any foolish pride.

- Take this. We'll get you some lunch.
- All right.

I know a swell place we can get a meal.
Three courses for 25 cents,

and all the bread and butter you can eat
for nothing!

- Do you come here often?
- Only when I can afford it.

I'm going to help you get your job back.

Do you suppose they'd hire you again
if you got all of us to sign?

They might do better than that.

If I walked in with all the heirs' signatures,

they might even go so far as
to put a buzzer on my desk

or let me eat in the executive lunch room.

- I've got a surprise for you.
- Another?

Oh, you'll like this one.

- Guess what?
- I give up.

I brought the whole family to New York,
to make it easier for you.

You brought the whole fa...?

How did you ever manage it?

- Er... You won't tell?
- I promise.

I put quarantine signs in all the houses
in the neighbourhood. Scarlet fever.

- No!
- Yes.

Remember, we have to get all eight signatures.
Seven wouldn't be any good.

Don't you worry, we'll get them.

Meet me at the Warwick Towers for tea at four,
in front of the flower shop.

But I can't go like this.

I invited a man, not a suit of clothes.

- Toni, you're wonderful.
- I think so, too.

Here you are! Junior said
you had an appointment with some other man.

Go away, Howard.
I'm waiting for a gentleman in distress. Go away.

You have a date with me and my Uncle Crane
of Crane, Rogers Inc, to visit Grant's Tomb.

- We can't disappoint him.
- I'm sure Grant won't mind.

You can't let me down like this. I won't permit it.

You don't know your own mind. Come on.

No, Howard, don't be masterful!

I can't go with you!

Come on.

He's got wavy brown eyes and green hair,
he's not masterful and he doesn't twist my arm.

- You are delirious. Come on!
- Let go of me!

You are coming with me and none of your tricks.

No-o-o-o-o-o-o!

- Let me go. Let me go!
- Stop it, I don't like scenes.

- Oh, you don't?
- No, I don't.

- Taxi?
- Yes, sir.

Not another penny! Do you hear me?
Not another penny! You drunkard!

For years, you've been spending
the money I give you on drink!

- And your little children, without milk!
- Why, I never...

Heaven will strike you down for this,
Howard Rogers!

- There's a higher law than the laws of man!
- But I have never...

Poor little starving children!

Wait a minute! Hungry kids, huh?

Do you want me
to smack him in the mouth, lady?

- Yes, thank you, if you don't mind.
- Why, Toni!

- Hungry kids, huh?
- Look here, sir, don't lose your temper.

- Calling the lady a liar, huh?
- She's going to be my wife!

She is, huh? I'll run you outta town, you big stiff!

- Ow.
- Ow.!

- Hello! It's you!
- Yes.

- That was fun. Want to go round again?
- Some other time.

- What was the trouble out there?
- A terrible man.

He spends all his money on drink.
And his children are hungry, too.

- Somebody ought to punch him in the nose.
- I think somebody did.

- Have you got the papers?
- Have I?

I'll start you off with my signature.

- Does it matter which one I sign?
- No, they're regular form. Sign any one.

All right, turn around.

Now, here's number one.

Next is Herbert. He's in the basement. Come on.

Swell.

Where's Herbert?

- What's this?
- Mr Herbert is doing a marine painting, sir.

He wants to capture the feeling of the thing -
spray in his face, and so forth.

Come on.

- Ahoy, Herbert!
- Who lets all these people in when I'm working?

I might as well set up my easel
in Grand Central Station.

Oh, it's my sister! Hello.

Hello, Herbert, dear. Sign this, will you?

Thank you.

All right, start the storm again.

- Hello!
- Hello, Mama.

- You remember Henry, don't you?
- Yes, we met you on the Normandy.

You were with the Evanses.
And when Togo fell overboard, you saved him.

- No ma'am.
- Don't be modest. It was a heroic thing to do.

- Won't you come in?
- But Mama, he didn't rescue Togo.

- I've never even met Togo.
- You haven't met Togo?

I'll have him brought right in.
He won a blue ribbon last year.

I'm not the man who was on the Normandy.

I'm sure it was the Normandy.
Or was it the Queen Mary?

I've never been on either,
and I don't know the Evanses.

- Never mind, Mama. Just sign this.
- Oh, sign this, sign that.

That's all I heard in the bank yesterday.
"After all," I said, "you know who I am."

Put your name on it, Mama.

- Are you sure it wasn't the Evanses?
- Positive.

I visited you in Aiken several days ago.
About the farm in Westchester.

Yes. Yes, I remember you.

You were the young man who acted
so peculiarly, the eccentric young man.

- Yes... What?
- Oh, never mind.

There's Papa. Come on.

Toni! Junior won't let me have the Nobel prize!
I don't think that's fair, do you'?

Just because he's the youngest prodigy ever
at Harvard.

I'll speak to him about it, Papa.
I want you to sign a paper.

- Junior's so unreasonable.
- So I've noticed.

- Have you?
' Sign the Paper, Papa.

Lot of people have,
but nobody does anything about it.

- If he were mine, I'd do something.
- Would you?

- I did.
- So you did!

Psst! Toni! Toni! Here! Here, dear.

Toni, I'm positive that young man's a lunatic.

- Funny, he thinks we're a little off, too.
- A sure sign. Mad people always think that.

Do you think we ought to call for help?

Oh, no, Mama, I don't need help to handle him.
I'm getting along beautifully.

With a crazy man.

- Oh, help! Help! Help!
- Not in the sitting room, Junior!

Remember, only the lower intellects
resort to brute strength!

I will have the Nobel prize!

Junior, now stop it! Stop it!

Junior!

- Ow! Ow!
- Junior!

Pay attention to Mama, now!
Don't run in the sitting room, Junior!

- I will have the Nobel prize!
- Junior!

Oh, dear.

- Oh, my goodness! You hurl yourself!
- Alice, I have been assaulted by a thug!

By three thugs, I mean.

- Where's Toni?
- She's with that crazy fellow.

The one who was naked.
She's gone some place with him.

- With the crazy man?
- Yes.

Yes. That crazy young lawyer
who wants to buy Grandpa's farm.

He had us sign something.

- What was it?
- A paper.

- Of course, of course, but what did it say?
- I didn't read it.

- Who is he? What's his name?
- His name? Now, let me see.

The Evanses introduced him. How silly of me.

That was the man who rescued Togo.

Oh, Papa! You aren't setting Junior
a very good example!

This man's name - what's his name? I'm going to
find out all about him and his proposition.

Let me see, now what is it?

Oh, here's his card! Maybe it's on that.

That is barely possible, isn't it? Yes.

Henry MacMorrow.

Of course!

Oh, I remember.

- What's that?
- That's Junior. He's beating Papa.

Or Papa's beating him.

Let me see, which is it?

I guess they're beating each other.

I'll find out about this man and his business.
If Toni's to be my wife, I have to protect her.

- And you, too.
- Me? Oh, don't be silly.

- We're making progress. Who've we got so far?
- Mama, Papa, Herbert and Uncle Alan.

That leaves Aunt Pitty, Aunt Patty
and Uncle Goliath.

We can get them tomorrow. They live upstate.

- Fine, we can use my car.
- Your car?

Er...well, I've got a friend
who lets me borrow his automobile.

I'll meet you tomorrow morning at nine.

- We'll have breakfast at The Plaza.
- The Plaza?

Henry, you mustn't be so improper
in squandering my $10 that way!

You buy your own breakfast and meet me here,
in front at nine.

- Nine on the dot.
- Goodbye, Henry.

- Goodbye, Toni.
- Goodbye.

I shined her all up.
Checked the gas, oil and tyres.

- Say, this'll never do.
- What's wrong, sir?

Have you got a car of your own?
Your own, personally?

- Yes, sir.
- I'll tell you what.

I'll use your car today and you use mine.

Well, OK, but don't bang it up too much.
I've got three more payments.

All right.

Hello. Don't scold me for being late.

Say, you almost got me a ticket.
But I'll forgive you.

- Hey, buddy.
- Yes, sir.

- Do me a favour.
- Certainly, officer.

- Do you mind if I blow your horn?
- Not at all.

Mine does better than that. It's got seven notes.

It goes...

- Seven?
- Yeah. The commissioner's got one with eight.

It goes...

Marvellous.

Come on, get going! Get going!
Don't be creating a congregation!

Isn't it cute?
It looks like a loudspeaker on wheels.

The fellow who owns this has an uncle
who's in the car accessory business.

He gives him horns and lights for Christmas.

- Where are we going?
- Sycamore. It's 160 miles.

Hang on.

Where can I get a taxi?

Oh. Thank you.

- Taxi?
- Er...yeah.

Do you know where the old Pemberton place is'?

The old Pemberton place? Sure.

Out on the country road. Quite a piece.

- How much to take me there?
- $2.50.

What? Two dollars and 5O cents?

All right, then.

- Two dollars.
- I'll give you a dollar and a half.

Well, there she is. The old Pemberton farm.

- Want to drive in?
- I certainly do.

I want to examine this place very carefully.

There ain't much but a piece of land
with timber on it.

We'll drive up a bit, ford the crick.
Take a short cut.

Very well.

Do you know any other short cuts?

What are you going to do now?

I'll go back on the road
and flag someone to pull us out.

You'd better.

I think I'll get out and look around.

Oil!

I thought so!

- What's the matter?
- I guess we're up against it.

Why? What's happened?

- The engine's busted. We'll have to hoof it.
- The engine's busted?

Oh, well, that's fine. Yes, let's hoof it.

A good brisk walk will do us both good.

Come, man, now. Come, come. Heads up.

Shoulders back. Chest out.

Be masterful. Be master of your destiny.

Who do you suppose that could be?

Let's look.

» Why, its Antoinette!
» So it is.

Let's let her in.

- How do you do, Antoinette?
- Hello, Antoinette!

What's the idea?

Oh, they're afraid of burglars.

Aunt Pitty, Aunt Patty.

- This is Mr MacMorrow.
- How do you do?

Won't you come in?

- Mr MacMorrow is a lawyer.
- A lawyer?

- Be seated, please.
- Thank you.

- He's a lawyer.
- What's the matter?

Grandpa always said
not to have anything to do with lawyers.

- This is different. Henry's an honest lawyer.
- Very.

He wants to buy the farm Grandpa left us.

Now, all you have to do is sign some papers
and you'll get a nice big check.

- What did you say his name is?
- Henry T MacMorrow.

They say it's not auspicious
to do business with you today.

- Huh?
- You know, numerology.

Your name has the wrong count.
It comes out odd,

and they can't do business
on Thursday with odd people.

I know just how they feel.

- Well, what?! we do?
- They're your relatives.

Wait a minute, what's your middle name?

Oh, no. No, I don't want to tell you that.

- Why?
- Oh, no.

Oh, please! You know how much it means to us.

Well, all right.

Th rockmorton.

- There, you see? It's evens.
- All right.

- How kind. There you are.
- Thank you.

- There you are.
- Thank you.

Glad to have met you, Miss Pemberton.

And you too, Miss Pemberton.

Thank you.

Goodbye, Aunt Pitty. Goodbye, Aunt Patty.

- Ready, Toni?
- Coming!

AUNT S". Goodbye!

' Ooh!

Oh, what a shame.
Now they'll have to load it all over again.

- It's all right.
- It's all right.

- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.

- We'll be at Uncle Goliath's soon.
- If this boiler holds out.

- Henry, there's something I want to tell you.
- What?

There's something I want to tell you
about Uncle Goliath.

Er... Uncle Goliath is a bit eccentric.

- No!
- Yes.

The family has always been a little quiet
about Uncle Goliath.

How does Uncle Goliath go about
being eccentric?

Well, he thinks civilisation is a failure.

- You don't say.
- He thinks everyone ought to go back to nature.

He even grows his own food,
except what he shoots with a bow and an arrow.

Yes.

- Lovely place your uncle has here.
- Oh, it's empty.

Uncle Goliath doesn't live here,
since he decided he didn't like civilisation.

He lives out there.

Uncle Goliath!

TONY. Wh00»h00! Uncle Goliath!

- What's that?
- That's Uncle Goliath.

- He doesn't sound very friendly.
- Come on.

- Welcome, Toni!
- Hello, Uncle Goliath.

Just been tracking down some wild game.
Fine hunting, hereabouts,

for a man who goes to the kill with
nature's weapons and his own bare hands.

- But to what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?
- This is Henry MacMorrow.

- How do you do?
- How do you do?

Follow me, please.

This is a perfect example
of the unnatural life you lead.

Men weren't content to carve their records
on stone.

They had to invent an infernal machine,
loaded with ink.

- Ah, there you are.
- Thanks.

- Now, how about some dinner?
- Oh, I don't think...

Thank you very much, Uncle Goliath,
but I'm sorry, we've got to be back tonight.

Oh, it's raining!

Well, goodbye, Uncle Goliath.

That smells good.
I almost wish I could stay for dinner.

- What it is? Rabbit?
- No, snails.

- Sna...? Er...goodbye, Uncle Goliath.
- Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Six thousand gadgets on this hack and that goof
has to leave off a windshield wiper!

- Can you see anything?
- Sure! Turn left!

- Are you all right?
- Fine. Darling, I pointed that way!

- But you said turn left.
- Oh, did I say that?

I always get my left mixed up.

I'll bet a lifetime with you
would be very interesting.

Oh, I know it would be. All the boys say that.
Even Howard says I'm interesting.

Look! I think I see a farmhouse,
or a building, or something!

- Come on.
- All right.

HENRY". Whoa, home.

Oh, look, Henry! Here's a stove!

- And some wood.
- At least we can have a fire.

Some wood.

Two good pieces.

- Oh, not so much.
- It's all right.

- Oh, that feels good!
- Swell.

Now, if we could get out of these wet clothes...

We can!

General, if you were in the same fix,
I'd give you the shin off my back.

What are you doing?

- The General has offered to lend us his cape.
- Oh, isn't that sweet?

So, off with the old and on with the new.

And I, in the very next stall,
shall be doing the same.

Ready to ride and spread the alarm.

Through every Middlesex village and farm.

I like limericks much better.

- You do?
- Oh, sure.

All right. There was a young lady named Toni

who borrowed a coat from a pony,

she said, "Sorry, old fellow, I have no umbrello."

Came a snort from the pony, "Baloney."

"Aha!" said Henry, "I've got good news.

I've found two pair of shoes."

Er... Er... I'm stuck.

- But how was it?
- Oh, just so-so.

How's this one?

There was a young man named MacMorrow,
from a horse, a blanket did borrow.

It shouldn't be strange
that the horse had the mange,

as MacMorrow will learn to his sorrow.

You got me there, Toni.

- Oh! For me?
- First prize.

Oh-ho!

♪ Your feet are on the ground

♪ You're thinking sanely

♪ You go about your business

♪ Happy and free ♪ Then suddenly

♪ Your feet are off the ground

♪ You're walking on moonbeams

♪ It can happen to me, it can happen to you

♪ And when it does ♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh

♪ Danger - love at work

♪ Even though you can't detect it

♪ Listen, when you least expect it

♪ It knocks you down

♪ Danger - love at work

♪ When you do things son of stupid

♪ You can bet that Mr Cupid arrived in town

♪ Oh, you're gonna go

♪ You don't know when or where

♪ So close your windows and lock your doors

♪ Better be careful ♪
Danger, love at work

♪ It's that old familiar story

♪ When you think that night is glorious,
that's the start

♪ So don't you think that you're too smart, for...

♪ You'll slip and fall

♪ And break your heart

♪ Oh, you're gonna go

♪ You don't know when or where

♪ So close your windows, lock your doors

♪ You'd better be careful

♪ Danger - love at work

♪ It's that old familiar story

♪ When you think that night is glorious,
that's the start

♪ So don't you think that you're too smart, for...

♪ You'll slip and fall

♪ And you're gonna break, boom-boom,
your heart

Are you satisfied with your good deed?

You got a poor but worthy young man
his job back.

Yes, I'm satisfied.

Henry... Henry, how much does that job pay?

30 bucks a week. Why?

And you support your poor old mother on that?

- Well er... Why do you ask?
- Oh, I'm just curious.

You know...
I want to thank you for helping me out.

And er...I'd like to apologise
for any cracks I made about your family.

They're all right.

You're all right, too.

Well, there's something else I want to...
want to say.

- Yes? - Er... Well, um...

- I want to thank you and...
- Oh, Hen...Henry.

Oh, Henry!

Henry, I think it's wonderful for a young couple
to start out poor and wind up being rich.

Yeah, but do you think it's safe
marrying a poor man?

Oh, I wouldn't have it any other way.

I want to fight shoulder to shoulder with you,
even if my family has got a lot of money.

And you've seen me at my worst,
so you really must love me.

- I do look awful, don't I?
- I'll say!

Oh, I do, do I?

Well, I suppose a permanent wave
is more important to you than a loving heart.

And I suppose a Chanel gown is more important
to you than a sincere soul.

- What are you talking about?
- Well, it wasn't very nice of you.

You got me mixed up.
What did I say that was wrong?

First you propose to me,
then you tell me I look awful.

- I did no such thing.
- You did too.

All right, then I apologise.

All right, you're forgiven.

I do look terrible.

Oh, that's what I wanted to find out-
if you'd lie for me, and you did.

Darling, I think you're a little nuts...

- but I love you.
- Aw!

- May I escort you to your room?
- Oh, thank you.

If there's anything you want, just ring.

- Good night, Madame.
- Henry.

- What?
- Nothing.

- Good night.
- Good night, Doc Martin.

That's done it.

I go to my room.

Good night.

Henry.

Darling?

- I've got the report.
- Go right in.

The chemist is here.

- Well, Mr Rogers, I made the analysis.
- Yes?

No doubt about it.
It's an extremely high-grade oil.

- High-grade oil, eh?
- Yes. And it's practically free from impurities.

Except for a slight chemical,
which we are unable to identify.

- What do you think this chemical is?
- We don't know what it is.

I know it may sound silly,
but it greatly resembles ink.

- Ink?
- Ink.

Oh. Yes.

Thank you, McAlvain.
Sorry to get you out of bed like this.

Oh, it's all right, Mr Rogers.

All hours, day and night, are the same to a man
with aggressive ambition.

Definitely, because, young man...

Why, that's from my course. That's lesson No.5.

- Yes, sir. I took your course, Mr Rogers.
- Did you really?

- Look.
- Why, you're an honour roll man.

Give me the honour roll grip.

I have never yet met an honour roll man
who was a failure.

I tell you, this man is a thief!

How much did he give you for the property?
A measly $100,000. That's buttons. Peanuts!

That property is worth four, five, six...
ten times that amount!

And I want you, each and every one of you,
to remember

that the moment I laid my eyes on him,
I said, "There is a man to watch."

- You think we should get more money?
- I'm going to insist that you do.

Fine. Then I can buy an inverted pizza.

Now, Mr Pemberton,
you have got to get into action at once.

We have to have the entire family
gathered for a conference. Call them.

- But l...l don't think that er...
- Go on. Go on.

- Well, er...
- Here's the telephone.

- Well, I really don't think that l...
- Be decisive, man. Be decisive!

Help, will you, please?

- I'll get the automobile.
- All right.

Look!

They must have stayed in the barn all night.
No-one must know of this.

In my day, girls were more careful
of their reputations.

- But why do you suppose they stayed there?
- Pitty, please!

The subject is closed.

- But I don't understand.
- Pitty!

Oh. So that's it.

Want me to go along
and tell the family with you?

No, get your clothes pressed and a clean shin
and come back.

- I want you to look wonderful.
- Fine.

And get a haircut. Oh, and have them cut it
a little higher in the back.

- Bye.
- Bye!

No, it's not true! He's not a crook!

Oh, Toni,
you've practically called Mr Rogers a liar.

After all, he says this crazy young fellow
is a crook, and you as much say he's lying.

Not as much as. I do say he's lying.

Henry's a nice young man, trying to keep his job
so he can support his poor old mother.

Oh, yes? Supporting his poor old mother
by cheating you out of your property.

How do you mean cheating us?
I think $100,000 is a wonderful price.

- Oh, you do, do you?
- Yes, I do, do I.

Especially since we really don't need it.

I'll pay $125,000 for the property.

Do you still think $100,000
is such a wonderful price?

But I don't understand.

Suppose I tell you this poor young man
is from a wealthy family?

- I won't believe it.
- Supposing I tell you his poor old mother

is on a Mediterranean cruise with a maid,
a companion and two Pekingese dogs.

- I won't believe it.
- And this poor young man has a sailboat,

- in which he won the last Bermuda Race.
- I won't believe it!

Ha-ha-ha!

Of course,
poor young men always go in for yachts.

Of course, poor young men always live
in 14-room duplex apartments on Park Avenue,

- surrounded by a flock of servants.
- It's not true!

I'll have him come over and twist your arm.

He won't come over. He's got your property.
That's all he wants from you.

But go ahead.
Call him up and get him over here.

We'll see who twists whose arm.

If he comes over,
maybe you can kick him for me.

I will. With pleasure.

I'll get him right away.

Oh. I don't know his number.

- I don't even know where he lives.
- I do. The Park Lane Apartments.

And I'll get him for you.

Operator? Operator?
Get me the Park Lane Apartments, please.

That's right.
And get me Mr MacMorrow's apartment.

Of course, poor, starving young men
always live in the penthouse at the Park Lane.

Mr MacMorrow's apartment? Just a moment.

There you are.

This is Toni Pemberton.

I want Mr MacMorrow to come over
and see me right away.

Yes, please. Oh, wait a minute.

Who is this speaking?

His valet, yes.

- A valet.
- Now perhaps you'll believe me.

- He's got a valet.
- Don't you see?

He's been lying to you,
playing on your sympathies,

trying to get you to help him cheat your family.

And he would have succeeded,
if it hadn't been for me.

Oh!

- A young lady just telephoned you, sir.
- Tell her I'm out.

I didn't have a chance to tell her anything.
She did the telling.

I'm out to her and to all the other young ladies.

Edmund, I've met a girl. A wonderful girl.

- Congratulations, sir.
- Thank you.

And remember, from now on, I talk to only
one young lady - Miss Toni Pemberton.

- It was she who called, sir.
- Huh?

What? Why didn't you say so?
What did she say? What did she want?

She seemed very upset, sir,
and wants you to come over right away.

Just a moment, sir! Just a moment!
You must have your coat, sir!

Oh, yes, I almost forgot.

- Don't you want your briefcase, sir?
- No. Er...yes.

I feel like a man in a straitjacket!

No freedom!

Ach! I'll be glad when this is over,
sol can go back to a decent way of living!

Now, there's something typical of
this modern nonsense.

Ach!

Will someone tell me what on earth
these idiotic things were put there for?

Buttons on a coat's sleeves originated
with the Marquis d'Amercoeur, in 1685,

when he put large metal buttons on the sleeves
of his guardsmen's uniforms,

to keep them from wiping their noses on them.

Junior, don't be indelicate.

Toni! What's the matter?

You've got a valet!

Well er...I've er...

"Well er...I've er..."
Don't stall, don't evade the issue. Speak up.

Oh, Henry, there must be some mistake.
Please tell me you haven't got a valet.

- Of course I've got a valet.
- Ah!

You see? You see? I'll handle this.

Let me tell you, you crook,
we'll fight this to the Supreme Court.

- You'll fight what to the Supreme Court?
- Quiet! Don't pretend innocence.

- You've robbed these people.
- What?

Stolen their poor grandpa's farm
for a miserable $100,000.

I didn't steal anything. $100,000 is a good price.

- Yes...
- Quiet.

Now you'll say
you didn't know there was oil on the property.

Oil? What are you talking about?
There isn't oil within 1,000 miles of Westchester.

- Is that so?
- I don't know what he's getting at,

but I can assure you,
$100,000 is a fair figure for the property.

Quiet!

Let me tell you, young man, that I stand ready
to pay $125,000 for this property

at this very moment.

- You will?
- Certainly.

Oh, Henry, why did you do it?

I thought we'd be so happy, and now
we can't, because I couldn't marry a crook!

What would the neighbours think
with policemen around all the time?

- You think I'm a crook?
- Well, you've got a valet.

- Does that mean I'm a crook?
- No. But you lied to me.

You told me you were a struggling young man
with a poor old mother.

And she's in the middle of the Mediterranean
on a Pomeranian with two yachts!

I mean... Well, anyway, you lied to me!

OK, have it your way.

But if he's willing to pay $125,000
for the properly, I suggest you sell it to him.

Have him make out a cheque
and I'll turn over my powers of attorney.

Gonna try the other tack now, are you?
It's no use, my boy. Your bluff is called.

All right. Goodbye.

And I'm glad to have met you all.

Are you sure it wasn't on the Normandy?

Now, it's going to be all right now.

Ssh! Ssh! Ssh! Relax, my darling.

And there you are.

- Let's take it to the bank at once.
- Yes, it's the Merchants...

- Why? Don't you trust me?
- Yes.

But an overly aggressive exterior such as yours

sometimes conceals and compensates
for an indecisive characteristic.

You might change your mind
and stop payment on the cheque.

Oh, fiddle-fish!

Papa wouldn't let me go to the bank.

You look as if you needed about five grains of
acid acetylsalicylate.

- What's that?
- Aspirin.

- I can't believe he'd do it!
- He didn't.

- He didn't?
- No.

I don't like the chap,
to be perfectly honest about it,

but I have to admit he's not a crook.

- How do you know?
- He's too dumb. Not the type.

According to Lombroso's theory
of criminal types,

it's utterly impossible for Henry to be a criminal.

He's the allocentric type,
which, while it is admittedly belligerent,

the make-up is without avarice.

- And without much brain.
- Oh, Junior!

Oh, Junior, you're a darling!

Call Mr Parsons and tell him I'm sending over
my resignation by special messenger.

- Your resignation, sir?
- My resignation.

I'm sorry, sir.

- And you'd better look for another position.
- Sir? Haven't I been satisfactory?

Sure, but I'm going away, out of the country,
on a long trip.

Then you“ need me, sir.
When it comes to travelling, Fm indispensable.

No doubt, but now that I'm no longer with the
firm of Parsons, Hilton, Trent and MacMorrow,

my financial status will be quite a bit different
than it has been.

I'm sorry, sir. Very sorry.
I'll send the message at once.

Mr MacMorrow's apartment.

What name shall I say, Miss?

What?

It's a young lady, sir.
She seems somewhat incoherent.

- She says she knows that you're not a crook.
- Hm.

What?

She says even if you were a crook,
she'd marry you anyway.

If I may say so, sir, she sounds loony.

Hm, a masterpiece of understatement.
Tell her I'm out to her.

Mr MacMorrow says he's out to you, Miss.

Oh! Oh, he hates me!

I know what I'll do.

I'll live in a monastery!

A misnomer. You mean a nunnery.

And so, my dear sir, where would I be today

if I hadn't learned the secret of
the mastery of men? Where?

You take my last big deal
that I have just terminated so successfully.

Why, there's millions in it. Millions.

The man who is ambitious...

...who has a feeling that success...
Sorry. You'll pardon me, won't you?

Hello? Hello?

Howard Rogers speaking, yes.

Oh, yes! Hello!

You will excuse me, won't you?

- Were you up there?
- Yes. There's no oil on that property.

I'm positive!

Well, I'll tell you what happened.

We found a rattletrap automobile
wrecked upstream.

And the oil came from its crank case.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, there you are! Oh, Toni, do go in
and see your Uncle Alan's new snake.

Or is it...? No, it's a stamp.

I don't want to see anything.

I think I don't want to live!

I'll call a hairdresser.
What you need is a shampoo and a facial.

Whenever I feel that way,
I always have a shampoo and a facial.

Mama, please go away!

That's no way for a mother
to talk to her daughter.

I mean, for a daughter to talk to her mother.
Well, you know what I mean.

Toni, do go in.
Pitty and Patty are going to Europe on vacation,

and Herbert has bought three big easels.

And Papa, a new spy glass.

Mr Pemberton! Mr Pemberton!
You've got to give me back my money!

I've been cheated. There's no oil
on that property. Give me back my money!

But we've spent it. I've just bought
a new telescope with my share.

But, Mr Pemberton, I'll be ruined! Oh!

- What's the matter?
- Alice, there's no oil on the property!

No oil? Well, we don't care.
You see, we don't own it any more.

- Toni!
- No oil on the property?

- No oil on the property.
- Howard Rogers, you lied to me!

- You told me there was oil on that property!
- It was a mistake!

- A mistake! A mistake! A mistake!
- Toni!

- $125,000!
- That is quite a lot of money, isn't it?

Well, you can sell it back to Mr MacMorrow
for $100,000.

That way, in simple mathematics,
you only lose 25,000.

Why, of course! You see a hundred and...

$25,000'?

You've got to give me my money back!

Why should we? Remember? E pluribus unum.

You mean caveat emptor - let the buyer beware.

Junior, I've told you not to correct Mama
in front of strangers.

Oh, what'll I do? What'll I do?

- Well, Howard, my advice is...
- Yes?

Be successful. Grab the bull by the horns.

Oh!

Please tell him I must talk to him.
Tell him it's a matter of life and death.

Well, please tell him there's no crooks in the oil
and I don't care about his mother. I love him!

Oh!

He won't talk to me! I'll never see him again!

It's your own fault, my dear.

When girls are careless of their reputations,
men lose respect for them.

- What do you mean?
- It's the old story.

A girl must guard her reputation.

Now, I never stayed in any barns
with any young men, and I never was jilted.

- You knew?
- Yes. We saw you.

But don't worry, my lips are sealed.

Blood is thicker than water.

And to this family,
what's one more skeleton in the closet?

Sniffy.

Auntie, please keep my secret.

- You mean]?
- Yes.

Please don't tell anyone
about my staying out all night with Henry!

What? What? Did I understand you to say
that you stayed out all night with Henry?

You heard me. Oh!

- Oh, I didn't want anyone to know!
- Well, this is a fine state of affairs -

staying out all night with a man
who doesn't know one stamp from another.

This is terrible, Toni. You shouldn't do that.
Staying out all night.

We had four chauffeurs quit in a month
because of our late hours.

She didn't have the car, I did.

- In that case, I have no complaint.
- I don't either. I believe in the single standard.

Herbert, this is no time
to discuss financial matters.

I think Mr Roosevelt was right about that.
And about the Supreme Court, too.

- Papa, do something. Say something to her.
- What will I say?

He promised to marry me.

Oh, the cad!

I think it would be nice
to have a shotgun wedding.

A very archaic custom, if I may say so.
And we have no shotgun.

We could buy one.

That's just exactly what we'll do. Come, Papa.

Now here, now here is a very fine piece.

Double-barrelled. Barrels by Sheffield,
the stock, pure Circassian walnut.

Chequered by Porgallio, engraved by Lever,
Cantwell, Corporan and McEwan of Dublin.

A marvellous gun for mallards.

- Or perhaps you wanted a gun for skeets?
- All right, all right.

But what kind of guns have you got
for weddings?

I wonder who that is.

Young man! Young man!

- Young man, you must marry my daughter!
- Huh?

- You must marry my daughter!
- Why?

- Why?
- Why?

That's right. Why?

Because you led me on
with false promises of marriage.

- Put that gun down, it might go off.
- We didn't buy any shells.

Do the right thing by her
or you'll have me to answer to!

- Yeah? What'll you do about it?
- Well...there's always the courts, you know.

- Supposing I don't want to marry her.
- I don't blame you.

- Marriage is a biological trap, designed...
- That's where my Darwin book went!

- You stole it!
- Junior, be quite.

This is no time for discussion of literature.

Now, Henry, are you going to marry
my daughter or not?

I'd like to talk to her alone.
Would you go in the next room, please?

Please go!

I want to hear what he has to say. Go on.

Henry. Henry, please listen.

I knew all along you weren't a crook and
there wasn't any oil and...and please marry me.

Do you want to force a man to marry you
who thinks your family are crackpots?

- So I'll marry you. What do you say?
- Yes. I accept your proposal.

All right. Come on, we'll get a licence
and get married by a justice of the peace.

Oh, no! I have to have a big church wedding.

If I was married by a justice of the peace,

my family would never speak to me again
as long as I live!

Do you mean it? That settles it. Come on!

Oh, dear!

Toni, the gun went off
and Papa shot Uncle Goliath!

Henry, did you hear that?

The gun was loaded after all!

- Come on, let's get out of here.
- Oh, yes.

- Mama, we're going to be married. Goodbye.
- Er... Married?

Oh, that reminds me.
I have to have a facial. Junior!