Dan Turner, Hollywood Detective (1990) - full transcript

♪♪[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

DAN: Even in Hollywood,

a town as wide open

as a B-girl's arms,

there were still a few things

that were supposed to be

against the law.

And high stakes gambling

was one of them.

But that didn't stop

the high rollers

and the would-be's

from pouring in every night

to the back room

of the Limelight Club,

a ritzy dive that offered

Las Vegas action

right here in the land

of fruits and nuts.

Want to try this now?

Come on, come on, come on.

Oh.

Hey, Criqui,

how many time are these same

numbers gonna show up?

DAN: Pedro Criqui

was the joint's owner.

He was a schizophrenic

little guy,

half Spanish and half French,

who'd been in more hot water

than a used tea bag.

Hey, Turner.

How's Hollywood's favorite

private dick?

Not bad, Pedro.

Who's the weasel

with Maizie Murdock?

I'm ready.

Deadbeat.

Always complaining,

always broke.

He says I give him

loaded dice,

that son of a bitch.

It looks like your dice

aren't the only things

loaded tonight.

Dan.

Oh, you big lug.

Where you been

hiding yourself?

Oh, well, here and there.

How about you, hon?

I've been pining away.

You'd have helped by

giving my phone a jingle.

Oh, it looks like

you've already got

a boyfriend.

He can't take

your place, Dan.

Nobody can take your place.Hey, Maizie.

It's just...What do you say we get out

of this sleazy joint?

I'm tired of playing

with funny dice.

You'd better scram.

Come on, Junior.

We better leave

before Criqui has a fit.

So long, handsome.

I'll be waiting by my phone.

Keep your powder dry,

sweetheart.

Funny dice.

I'll give him funny dice.

See who I gotta deal with?

Deadbeats, drunks.

DAN: Yeah, and cops.

CRIQUI: Cops?

Oh, shoot.

What do they want

from me this time?

Take a gander.

Gentlemen, how nice of you

to drop in on a night

like this.

Criqui,

you're breaking the rules.

That makes my boss mad...This is a busy night.

Do you have to be here now?...maybe close

your place down.

DAN: For me, it was just

a harmless night out

in Tinseltown.

Or so I thought.

As it turned out, I should've

stayed home with my radio

and a bottle of VAT 69

for company.

CRIQUI: ...a lot of nice

people having harmless fun.

I don't care

if it's harmless fun.

The captain's

getting pressure.Yeah, yeah.

You got roulette tables

over there, Criqui.

I see them.

CRIQUI: Oh, come on. Come on.And the boss knows about it.

You better

cut this crap out.

Turner?Hello, Cromwell.

Dan, please,

you gotta help me.

I do, huh? How come?

My God, the police.

Come on. You're a director,

not a star. Nobody cares...

No, no, no,

that's-- that's not it.

There's a girl.

There's always a girl, Roy.

Please, you don't understand.

I get caught with this girl,

my life is over.

You got to get her

out of here.Hold it.

Who is she?Over here.

Hurry. Please?

Sure.

What're pals for?

Dan,

she's in here.

Holy mackerel, Roy.

You really are a pal.

This is Dan Turner

and you can trust him.

Roy...He'll get you out of here.

Goodbye, darling.Roy...

I'm sorry.

It has to be this way.

Aren't you Vala Duvalle?

That's right.

So what?

So I've seen a couple

of your pictures.

You're not bad.

Hmm, thanks.

You're not so bad yourself.

Aren't you

Bernie Ballantyne's squeeze,

the head of the studio?

Yeah, I guess

you could say that.

Brother, I think I've

just been sucker punched.

This is a raid!

Everybody stay put!

Well, how about it,

handsome?

You gonna save my reputation?

I'll try.

MAN: Hey, what's going on?

Wonder how long it's been

since Pedro's had this joint

fumigated?

CROWD: Fire, fire!

DAN: We got fire, folks.

[ALL CLAMORING]

WOMAN: Come on!

Well, well, Dan Turner,

Hollywood detective.

Hiya, Dave.

I thought

that burning ashcan

had your name on it.

Can't blame a guy for trying.

We're chums.

Yes, I guessed that part.

What's a real live

movie star doing

with a cheapie like him?

Well, even movie stars

get lonesome, Dave.

You know,

you could do me

a favor right now.

Sorry, ace.

I'm fresh out of favors.

I got a job to do.

Sorry, beautiful.

I tried.

Okay, folks.

Fire drill's over.

DAN: I felt bad for that doll,

but Donaldson

didn't bend the rules.

We were caught,

and like a sap

I thought

that was the end of it.

Tough luck,

but if you're a right guy,

sometimes you take the lumps.

DAN: A few months

went by and sometimes

I even stopped thinking

about Vala Duvalle.

Her husband,

Bernie Ballantyne,

head of Paravox Studios,

had been a steady client

but that was history.

And I didn't see

a single nickel

from Paravox

in all that time.

Somehow Roy Cromwell

forgot to send me

a thank you card,

but maybe he was busy.

That's okay.

I was pretty busy myself.

Now, hon,

you just ankle back

to your bungalow,

pour yourself a nice

soothing drink and relax.

And if I haven't found

your cat by tomorrow,

I'm not the guy I think I am.

Well, now,

Roy Cromwell.

The magician who turns

his pals into chumps.

Turner, I want to explain.

There's nothing to explain.

Sometimes a guy just has to

take some lumps for a pal.

That's life.

Yeah, I know.

I haven't been

much of a pal lately.

We had some laughs.

You got me some work,

now you lost me some.

I guess we're square.

It's not your problem

that I'm poison

over at Paravox lately.

Yeah, you see,

it is my problem, Dan.

I feel like such a heel.

And I...

Well, it's just...

It's Vala.

She's quite a looker.

It's more than that.

I just can't stop myself

with her.

Why, hell, you've seen her.

Isn't she worth the risk?

Well, I wouldn't know.

I just got to

hold hands with her

and now Bernie Ballantyne

doesn't like me anymore.

You got it all wrong, Turner.

Bernie really wants

to bury the hatchet.

Yeah, right about here.

No.

I tried to put in

a good word for you

and, uh, he's...

He's got a job for you.

Quit ribbing.

I'm not in the mood.

Does, uh, this

look like a rib?

I asked him if I could

bring it to you myself.

[WHISTLING]CROMWELL: Hmm-mmm.

Yeah,

that's just the retainer.

You'll get more.

Plus expenses.

Hey,

pals again?

Sure.

Who does he want iced?

Huh?

Iced,

cooled,

rendered defunct.

A whole lot of people

have been killed

for a whole lot less.Huh, yeah.

Uh, you know,

Bernie's available

to discuss this job now

if you'd like to see him.

See him?

For this kind of dough,

I'd dance with him till dawn.

Great. Now I'd better

get back to the lot.

Bernie's

really got me hopping.

Hey, you want a ride?

No thanks,

but I'll tail you over.

DAN: It didn't

really make sense

that Bernie Ballantyne

had suddenly forgiven me

but I wasn't about to look

a gift horse in the choppers.

Maybe if business

hadn't been so slow,

I would've thought

a little harder about

the size of the check.

He lost me about

halfway to Culver City,

but that was okay.

I didn't need anybody

to guide me

to Bernie Ballantyne's

private sanctum.

Oh, hello there, Mr. Turner.

Haven't seen you around

for a spell.

Yeah, and the last time

you sent me away.

Uh, you know I had to,

Mr. Turner.

Direct orders from...I know where they

came from, Jesse.

Get any new orders lately?

You betcha. I'm supposed

to send you right on through.

Thanks, Jesse.

It's good to be back.

Nice to have you back,

Sherlock.

DAN: The Paravox bigwigs

had a layout of offices

in the main

executive building

just inside

the entrance gates.

Bernie Ballantyne

was the biggest wig of all.

He liked to keep an eye

on everybody.

He could do that just fine.

His office took up

most of the ground floor.

[PHONE RINGING]Good morning, Mr. Turner.

Hello, doll.

Miss me?

Sure, hon.

Glad you're back.

Me, I didn't mind

keeping an eye

on his secretaries.

Ballantyne knew how to pick

swell looking dames

and it sure didn't

hurt my feelings any

to be seeing them again.

Well, Doris,

you're still doing

the same amount of work,

I see.

[PHONE RINGING]

[TYPEWRITER CLACKING]

Well, Daisy,

a girl could die

of overexposure like that.

[CRYING]

VALA: Oh.

Mr. Turner, isn't it?

That's right.

I haven't seen you

since that little blind date

Roy Cromwell set up.

Please, don't talk

about Roy and me.

Bernie might hear.

I guess that would

be disaster, huh?

You know it would.

For Roy and for me as well.

Then you shouldn't

play with fire.

Roy Cromwell's dynamite.

Especially for a Jane who's

someone else's property.

Bernie doesn't know.

And he won't, either,

unless somebody tells him.

But I feel sure

that you're not

the kind of man

that would do

such an ugly thing.

Are you, Mr. Turner?

Of course not.

I knew you wouldn't.

Unless it paid

really big dividends.

You lousy...

DAN: Sometimes you forget,

dames can take you seriously

when you crack wise.

I should've told her

I didn't mean anything,

but she ankled the room

before I had a chance.

Come in.

Bernie was the meanest man

in Hollywood.

He had enough power

to stay that way

and make you like it.

Have a seat, Mr. Turner.

No thanks. I'll stand.

[SCOFFS]

You can't afford a grudge.

And anyway, I always

have reasons for what I do.

What are they now?

You want the job or not?

I paid the paper

not to run these

pictures of the raid.

You keep them as a reminder.

I always get what I want,

Turner.

And I always keep it

till I'm done with it.

Thanks. I'll, uh,

take these home

and press them in my Bible.

Pictures like that

make me look bad.

Do you understand?

Well, I don't know.

I've never been married.

Yeah, well,

Vala told me how you two

just happened to meet

at a dull party,

how she talked you into

taking her to the Limelight,

et cetera, et cetera.

Frankly, I don't care.

Sure.

You're really a very

sentimental guy, aren't you?

I need discretion.

My image is tied up in Vala.

I just saw her outside.

She's crying.

Yeah, well, that's why

I wanted to hire you.

Well, I'm all ears.

I just found out Vala's taking

large sums of money

out of her bank account

and I don't know why.

I mean, I give her

everything that she needs.

As long as she plays

by the rules.

She's not keeping

someone on the side, is she?

Guess not.

Well,

when people act worried

and draw

big dough from the bank,

it could spell shakedown,

but you don't need any cheap

flatfoot to tell you that.

Anything in her past

someone might've raked up?

No. No, no, no. She's clean.

Believe me, if she wasn't,

I'd know it.

I'll bet you would.

Uh, she, uh, denied

being in any kind of

trouble at all.

And she just ran

out of here crying.

Jeez, I hate it

when she cries,

you know.

It--It causes wrinkles.

Look, Turner,

Vala's getting ready

to go away tomorrow

for a few weeks up north

to shoot a new picture for us.

I'll be there myself

for a while,

but, well,

I'd like you to go, too,

and keep an eye on things.

See where the money's going.

Did you get the check?

Oh, yeah.

I keep it right here

next to my heart.

Oh, good, 'cause

there's a lot more

where that came from.

I'll pay you $500 a week

plus unlimited expenses.

What do you say?

They got Scotch up north?

Hmm?

Scotch up north?

I like that, Turner.

Yeah, that's good.

Scotch up north.

[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING]

DAN: By 9:00 that night,

I was rolling north

on the Silver Meteor,

a couple bottles of VAT 69

in my valise

just in case

they didn't have Scotch.

I'd asked Bernie Ballantyne

for a jalopy

and a rented apartment.

Someplace where

I wouldn't be noticed.

I guess he got me

just what I wanted.

Bernie must've done the same

for his snuggle bunny,

Vala Duvalle.

He'd rented her a swanky place

in the snooty part of town.

Sort of a garlic grower's

Taj Mahal.

I sat in my car and watched

Vala's palace for a good

five hours,

but it didn't

do anything suspicious.

And just when I was ready

to call it a night

and grab some chow,

Vala came out

and climbed into a car

about a half block long.

[CAR DOOR CLOSES]

The car started,

slid by me,

purring like a big cat.

It was just possible

she was meeting

the blackmailer

or dropping him some dough,

so I figured I should

earn my keep and follow her.

But she pulled

a fast one on me,

and just went on to work.

The amusement park

was about to close

for the season,

but Paravox had leased

the whole shebang

just to shoot

some action scenes

and filled it with extras

to make the place look busy.

[PEOPLE CHEERING]

[SCREAMING]

Will you watch this for me?Oh, sure.

All right, now, all right.

Miss Duvalle is here.

Let's rehearse.

Well...

DAN:

Roy Cromwell was directing

and I wondered if that's why

Ballantyne wanted me there.

Did he suspect Cromwell

was grazing in his pasture?

Now, Vala,

here's the setup.

Harvey's in a car up there.

You're standing in line.

You see him,

you like him, you run

to the front of the line

just as his car takes off.

Then, you jump in the car

just behind his

and it follows him. Simple.

All right, all right!

Let's do a run-through!

Your marks.

DAN: Cromwell had

a rep for rehearsing

every scene a dozen times

before shooting a frame,

so I figured I had time

to wander around a little.

All right,

last time through

if we get it right!

All right, places.

Now, ready?

DAN: According to

the screwy scenario,

Vala was going to meet

her leading man

for the first time

on one of the rides.

Falling in love

while descending an incline

at 70 miles per hour.

Personally,

I thought the story smelled,

but then

I'm just a private snoop.

Not a critic.

There were extras

all over the midway

playing the sucker games

with each other.

There's a little kid

in all of us

just waiting to get out

and if the free midway

won't bring it out of you,

maybe you're already dead.

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

But one concession stand

looked like

a little more fun

than all the others.

The shooting gallery.

The reason it interested me

was the bleached blonde cutie

who was taking

the regular carny's place.

I guess you could say

me and Maizie were history,

but the look she gave me

at the Limelight

sure wasn't old news.

Okay, come on, everybody.

Step right up. Let's go.

Hit the Nazi and win a bear.

Sorry, sweetheart.

I'm fresh out of nickels.

Oh, Dan.

Talk about a big prize.

What're you doing

way out here in the sticks?

Last time I heard,

you were still the

Hollywood detective.

Well, this is a Hollywood

movie, isn't it?

Besides, I could ask you

the same question.

Oh, Cromwell promised me

a week on this one,

so it's worth a few days

of driving up Route One.

We've got a room

in the Motor Court

out on the highway.

We?

You mean that monkey

you were with

at the Limelight?

Yeah, but he doesn't have

his brand on me or anything.

Maybe you and I could

see about restarting

that tingle?

Why did we ever split up,

Maizie?

Somehow, I just

can't seem to remember.

I don't know.

I never figured it out myself.

You know, I've always

carried a torch for you, Dan.

Miss Murdock!

We are trying to rehearse

a crowd scene.

We are not visiting

with our old boyfriends!

Sorry.

Listen,

I'll see you later, huh?

You bet.

CROMWELL: Hey, Turner,

as long as you're here,

how about filling in

as an extra?

You know, take a few shots,

eh, hotshot?

Why not?

Great. It could open up

a whole new career for you.

Yeah. As a movie cowboy.

All right, everybody,

last time through!

Are you ready, Miss Duvalle?

Yes, Roy.

All right, everybody,

last time through

if we get it right.

Places!

[SIGHING]

Ready? And...

Action!

[PEOPLE EXCLAIMING]

Cut!

What do you think?

It stinks.

You're not giving me

enough bang for my bucks.

And I want some more leaves

on the trees over there.

Okay, okay, let me cut.

All right, cut!

All right,

five minutes, everybody.

Miss Duvalle to makeup,

please.

And be sure to get your nails

touched up, darling.

Dan.

Will you just...When you get Vala in a shot,

I want it to be the best.Bernie,

I need more artistic freedom.

You know what? You had

more artistic freedom

when you were selling

women's shoes.

I have no authority

with the cast.

Every time I do something...As a matter of fact,

you did better

selling women's shoes

than you did

directing pictures.

Would you keep it down?

Nobody knows

I used to sell...

Will you keep it down?

Come on.

Oh, what the hell

is that now?

What is it?

What's going on?

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

What's going on here now,

Turner?

Maizie's dead.

She's been shot.

Shot?

Somebody's idea

of a bad joke.

Come on, sister,

we're wasting time. Get up.

Come on, sister, get...

These guns

are supposed to be

loaded with blanks.

Yeah,

but this one wasn't.

Where did it come from?

It's mine.

Bernie, what happened?

Somebody said...

VALA: Oh.

Dan,

why'd you do it?

I didn't do it, Roy.

You know I didn't.Of course not.

[STAMMERING]

Bernie, I know it looks bad,

but Dan would never...

Bernie, Bernie,

I'm sure Mr. Turner

couldn't possibly

have done something like this.BERNIE: Hey, hey, hey,

what is this?

Somebody call the police.

Help!

All right, that's it.

Everybody grow roots.

Well, damn it, Dan.

Everybody knew

about you and Maizie.

Old lovers' quarrel?

Hold it! Police!

Oh, good, Officers.

This is Dan Turner.

He's the killer.

Drop it! Quick!

Drop it, Turner.

Get your hands up

where I can see them.

Sure, boys.

I can explain this.

You just shut up, Turner.

Never mind your malarkey,

just keep your hands

real high.

You're making a mistake,

boys.

Sounds like he's

resisting arrest, Ned.Yeah.

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

Hey. There he is.

Let's go! Come on.

DAN: You're in trouble, pal.

The director said "action."

OFFICER: Halt!

You're under arrest!

Where is he?

Come on.

Well, go on, go on.

I'll wait here.

I'll nab him when

he comes down. Go on!

Ride inspector.

Ride inspector.

Police! Stop! Stop!

Stop!

Turner!

Police! You're under arrest!

Swell ride, huh?

I'm happy.

You happy?

Good.

[CLEARING THROAT]

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

[GROANS]

[SCREAMING]

First movie?

Oh.

My first, too.

Good fun, huh?

Pardon me. This is my stop.

[GROANS]

[GUN FIRING]

All right, Turner.

Stay right where you are

and move toward me slow.

OFFICER: Hey, I'm coming!

Get up! Keep going!

Halt! Police, halt!

Will you get out of there?

Come on!

Go on! Go on!

Come on, folks, follow me!

Hey, hold it, mister!

Where's your ticket?

You can't get on

without a ticket!

NED: Go on!Would you shut up, Ned?

Grove City police!

Get out of the way!

Look out!

Get out of the way!

Kid, I got to

get on that ride.

I know, but you need a ticket.

Where's your ticket?

You like cotton candy, kid?Yeah, I love it.

Here. Have yourself a ball.

Hey, mister,

there ain't no ticket here.

You can't get on

without a ticket.

Where's your ticket?

Go on, hurry up. Go on!

Where's your ticket?

You need a ticket.

I don't need a ticket.

I'm the police.

I don't care

about your rules.There's no way I can...

We got a man on

there right now...

BOY: Listen, I know that.

Now, look, Officer...

[SCREAMING]And another thing...

Ned,

would you put that thing away

before you hurt someone.

Listen, I want on the ride,

I'm the law,

and I want

these rides stopped.

Do you understand?

Get him, boy, get him!

He didn't have his ticket.Shut up!

Good fun, huh?

What do you wanna ride next?

Get him! Get him!

He's crazy.

Get out of my way!

Go on! Go on!

I've been working three years

and they both got on

without their tickets...Will you shut up?

You know,

if you don't sit down,

that little guy's

gonna stop this thing

and throw us both off.

There he is.NED: Go on!

There he is.

I can see him.

I can see him.

The one without the ticket.Will you shut up?

What happened?

Where'd he go? He's gone.

Where'd he go?

Oh, well, he didn't

have a ticket, anyway.

BOY: Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, hey. You're gonna

have to fill out a report.

You actually

got on that ride

without a ticket.

Ned, give me your gun.

Oh, boy!

Well,

I hope you're satisfied.

You lost him.

DAN: So now I was on the lam.

I couldn't go back

and get my Hertz jalopy.

And it was a big risk

just going back

to my rented digs,

but it was a risk

I had to take.

I had to have a heater

to replace the one

I dropped back at the park.

And a good shot of VAT 69

wouldn't hurt either.

I figured it would take

the cops a few more hours

before the coin dropped

and they came looking

for me here.

I was almost right

about that last part.

Welcome home, wise guy.

Well, hello, Dave.

Nice to see you.

Make yourself right at home.

What brings you up north?

My vacation.

I'm on a fishing trip.

Well, there're damn few

trout in here lately, Dave.

You know me, Turner.

I'm a curious guy.

So naturally,

when I hear my good pal

is wanted for murder,

I drop the rod and reel

and motor into town

to hear the details

first hand.

The cops here

are glad to have

a homicide detective

working with them.

How about a jolt?

I'm on duty.

Well, I won't rat on you.

It'll be our little secret.

By the way,

I'll have mine straight.

No mickey.

That's not a bad idea.

I wish I'd thought of it.

So,

why'd you do it?

I didn't.Who did?

I don't know.

Yet.

Was it your gun?

Yep.

But I didn't shoot it,

at Maizie or anyone else.

Then who did?

You already

asked me that once.

I told you before.

I don't know.

Yet.

You must have

somebody in mind.

Sure.

I got three somebodies.

Cromwell and Ballantyne...

Yeah, uh-huh.

They accuse you,

so you accuse them.

Clever.

I've got good reasons.

Who's the third somebody?

I don't know.

Yet.

Cute.

I like that.

Cromwell jobbed me

to stay around.

He could've slipped around

and gotten my gun,

leaving me for the fall guy.

Of course, nobody saw him

do that, did they?

And what about motive?

Why would

Paravox's top director

want to kill a bit player?

From what I understand,

he barely knew her.

[CHUCKLING]

But you...

Yeah, I know.

And how about

your other suspect?

Ballantyne?

Well, as far as I know,

he had an opportunity, too.

And he had good motive

to frame me,

he thought I was playing

patty cake with his girl,

Vala Duvalle.

DAVE: Did you?

I wish I had.

Then I wouldn't mind

taking this fall.

[SIGHING]

Interesting.

That it?

Yep.

Okay, then.

Let's go.

You mean, you're gonna

turn me over to the cops?

I am a cop, remember?But Dave...

Yeah, I know I'm a real heel.

It runs in my family.

I once pinched

my own grandmother

for robbing a blind man,

so stick your flippers

in these rippers

and be quick about it.

[GUN FIRING]

[BABY CRYING]

MAN: Hey,

what's going on out there?

[DOG BARKING]

DAN: Whoever fired

those shots was long gone.

Somehow I wasn't surprised.

About the only luck

I'd had so far

was that nobody

had stolen my Scotch.

Dave and I had been through

plenty together.

We'd had our differences,

but I was fond

of the big gazzbo.

Besides, if he croaked,

I'd probably be accused

of creaming him.

But maybe we both

had caught a lucky break.

It looked like the lead pill

had only grazed his head

which meant he wasn't dead.

He was out cold for a while,

but he was alive.

Operator, get me the police.

Police.

DAN: Hello, this is

Lieutenant Donaldson

of the Los Angeles Police.

Yes, sir?

I've got Dan Turner,

the gumshoe

who's wanted for homicide.

Well, that's good.

Good news.

Some of the boys

are mighty peeved

at him around here.

That's what I figure.

So, cancel the pickup order,

I got a feeling he's gonna

resist arrest all the way in.

You poke him one for me,

okay?

I'll do that. So long.

DAN: I figured that should

keep the cops off my back

for a while.

But I still had to move fast.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

[BABY CRYING]

Mr. Turner?

Yeah.Well,

I hope you weren't asleep.

[STAMMERING]

It's Mr. Badger.

I manage the apartments.

Oh.

Sure.

Uh, what brings you out

at this hour, Mr. Badger?

A couple of my tenants just

got me up a few minutes ago.

They said they heard gunfire.

Of course,

it could've just have been

a truck backfiring.

[LAUGHING]

You know how people are.

I didn't hear a peep, chum.

It's a nice quiet place

you run here.

Not like Hollywood, I bet.Oh.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Exactly what do you do

with the film, Mr. Turner?

I don't believe

you're an actor.

At least,

I've never seen you

and I see a lot of pictures.

Well...

You must be a producer,

right?

That's right, I am.

And you know what?

There're filming

a very exciting sequence

over at the

amusement park tonight.

Really?

Is Vala Duvalle in it?

You bet.

And from what I've seen,

she's wearing a thin negligee

that leaves very little

to the imagination.

Holy smoke!How'd you like to see that?

Yes, I would.

Certainly. Of course.

It is rather late but I...

This is the best time to see

how movies are made.

Now, you rush right down there

and tell them

the producer said

you could watch.

And they'll

probably give you

a chair right up front.

About this close

to Vala Duvalle.

Thank you, Mr. Turner.

Thank you so much.

If there's ever anything

I can do for you, just...

[STAMMERING]

It's Badger.

[CHUCKLING]

Just like the animal.

[LAUGHING]

Oh. Like the animal.

That's a hot one,

Mr. Badger. So long.

[SIGHING]

Operator.

Get me the Limelight Club

in Hollywood.

♪♪[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

Hello? DAN: Pedro?

Who is this?

This is Dan Turner.

I need some information,

tout de suite.

So?

It's about Maizie Murdock.

She was in your joint

the night of the raid.

She had some geek with her,

pasty complexion,

accused you

of loading the bones.

Roger Wilson, a small timer.

I threw him out

on his derriere.

He a regular?

No, he came in

with the Murdock girl.

She sort of likes him.

He's a little gambler, okay?

He loses his shirt,

a very small shirt,

and he goes home.

What about Roy Cromwell?

How often did he bring

Vala Duvalle to your place?

Two, three,

maybe six times.

[CHUCKLING]

He's a real snake eye shooter.

He couldn't make a point

with a sharp pencil.

Does he bet big?

Oh, when he bets big,

he bets big.

When he loses,

he loses his trousers.

Lose many pair lately?

A few more like him

and I could sell this joint

and retire in Acapulco.

[LAUGHING]

How about Vala Duvalle?

She play the tables?

A little. All right,

she just comes here

to be with him, I think.

They use that

private room a lot?

Just once.

That--That night

you were here.

Thanks, Pedro.

That's a help.

Au revoirand adios.

No. Call me anytime I'm busy.

Can you believe this guy?

DAN: Now, I had something

to sink my bridgework into.

If Wilson saw

the Duvalle chick

going into that room

with Roy Cromwell,

it was a gilt-edged

invitation to blackmail.

That's all right, Dave.

Don't get up.

[DOOR OPENS]

I wasn't any closer

to cracking this job,

but I had a big hunch

where to look next.

There was someone else

I was looking for.

A jealous little punk

who'd been with Maizie

the night of the raid.

Whenever someone gets croaked,

there's a motive.

Find the motive and your job

gets a whole lot easier.

This time I was pretty sure

if I found the blackmailer,

I'd have the killer, too.

You the hombre

that called for the cab?

That's me, sister.

Well, I'm it.

Hop in.

Holy mackerel.

DAN: Wait here, sweetheart.

Oh, another damn copper.

I might as well forget about

getting any sleep tonight.

[SIGHING]

How come cops

are always so ugly?

Except you, maybe.

I'm sorry, beautiful.

We're just doing our job.

No thanks. I'm on duty.

Where did...Where did

the little tart live?

Right down there in room 39.

With a fellow she said

was her husband.

[LAUGHING]

Oh, sure.

He's her husband.

I'm Mae West.

Thanks.

I appreciate it.

Hey,

you got any more questions,

my room's right here.

Thanks, doll-face, but,

but I got to get back

to headquarters.

So long.

Well,

so long.

MAN: Hello, thank you.

I keep playing like this,

I get myself a new tie.

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

MAN: Here we go, hello...

MAN: Oh, my goodness.

You know,

this is a very...

DAN: There were voices

coming from inside

Maizie's room.

Loud ones. I didn't want

to stumble into any cops,

so I took a peek

through the curtains.

Oh, would you look at this?

My goodness, you know,

you get a whole new suit.

One of the crap shooters

was Roger Wilson,

no surprise there,

but what was he doing playing

dice with Maizie barely cold?

Raising money

for her funeral?

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

Oh, what do you want?Police.

I'd like to ask you

a few questions

about your relationship

with Maizie Murdock.

You guys ever get tired?

I'm so sick of cops.

Maybe we're sick of you, too.

At least

we're trying to find out

who cooled your chick.

How many times do I got

to say the same thing

to you guys?

How about one more?

You know, I'm beginning

to think you're gonna

be uncooperative.

I wonder how cooperative

you'd be if I'd haul you

downtown.

Good choice.

Now, let's talk

about Maizie Murdock.

We was gonna be married.

Uh-huh.

Don't I know you?

I don't think so.

I checked your record

back in LA.

You and Maizie were involved

in a gambling raid back there

a few weeks ago.

I shoot craps once in a while.

So what?

So who else was there?

Lots of people were there.

All the swells go there.

Yeah, you'd fit right in.

Was Vala Duvalle there

the night of the raid?

I don't know. Maybe.

Why?

You know about

the private rooms?

[LAUGHING]

Everybody knows

about Pedro Criqui's

private rooms, mister.

You ever see Vala Duvalle

going in or coming out

of those rooms?

What does this got to do

with Maizie?

I'm conducting

a murder investigation,

mister.

Answer my questions.

You see Vala going in

or coming out of those rooms?

No.

DAN: You know,

I hated to admit it,

but I believed

the little creep.

He wasn't smart enough

to playact this one.

All right, Junior.

That's it, I guess.

Thanks for your help.

And don't leave town.

You ain't no copper.

All this talk about

the Limelight Club

and now I remember

where I saw you.

Yeah, this is the Hollywood

private dick.

The radio station says

this is the guy

that killed Maizie.

Sonny,

you're buying yourself

a whole lot of trouble.

Yeah? Hey guys,

come over here.

You wanna try that on me?

ROGER: Yeah, why don't

we kill the son of a...

We got him.

Wilson, you call the coppers.

Tell 'em...

Tell 'em we got their killer.

[SPITTING]

But he's beat up real bad.

[GROANING]

[THUDDING]

[MEN GRUNTING]

Cops. I want cops.

DAN: Come back here,

you weasel.

I told 'em to keep it down

in there.

[ALL GROANING]

Get up. Get up.

ROGER: Cops.

I'll see you later, doll-face.

ROGER: Hey!Oh, oh!

♪♪[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING

ON RADIO]

Well, you know

where you wanna go yet?

No. Just keep driving.

I got some high-octane

thinking to do.

It's your money, mister.

Say, I don't suppose

you'd like to tune that

into some Goodman or Basie.

Who?

You know,

something that swings,

or at least doesn't sound

like hog calling.

♪♪[WESTERN SWING MUSIC

PLAYING ON RADIO]

Well, how's that?

I don't know.

What is it?

Mister, that's Bob Wills,

the king of western swing.

Pardon my ignorance.

Of course, Bob, he's out

in Hollywood these days,

making cowboy pictures.

That's what I'd like to do.

I can sing and ride

and rodeo.

Uh-huh.

You know, I've been hoping

one of those movie people

would get in my cab.

And now, here you are.Huh?

Well, it ain't exactly

as if I could help hearing

the broadcast about you.

They described you to a T,

Mr. Turner.

So, how come

you aren't motoring me

straight to the hoosegow?

I ain't exactly a big fan

of the cops around here.

Can I take it then that

you don't intend to blow

the whistle on me?

Nah, you seem like

a nice enough guy.

Besides, a girl's

got to make a living.

You know, you seem like

the type that would treat

a working girl right.

And maybe even

slip her a few extra bucks

for that trip to Hollywood?

That'd be right friendly

of you.

How's this?

Hey, thanks, mister.

Just keep driving

and stay off the main street.

And turn that radio down

a notch.

I need to do some thinking.

DAN: I started thinking

about what had happened

since Maizie's murder.

Some of it made sense,

but I kept coming back

to one thing.

Who would kill Maizie? Why?

[SIGHING]

Hmm. I can just smell

the rubber burning up here.

How's that?

You're thinking so hard,

you're about ready to blow

a hole through your hat.

My daddy used to say,

"If you're working so hard,

you're doing something wrong."

Well, what would your daddy

say when things happened

that didn't make sense?

"Life ain't nothing

but an accident

waiting to happen."

Your daddy seems like

a smart man, angel.

The name's Cindy Lou,

mister.

Well, thanks, Cindy Lou.

DAN: An accident?

Had somebody been

trying for me all along?

Instead of looking

for Maizie's murderer,

maybe I should've been

looking for someone

who wanted to make

worm food out of me.

We passed a carload of cops

back there.

I think they looked in

when you lit that butt.

[SIREN WAILING]

Oh, sure as shooting.

Here they come.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

You wanna race them?

Do you think

it'll do any good?

It might.

Let's see.

Yahoo!

They're gaining on us.

Can't you goose

this bucket anymore?

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Right along this time

in the morning,

the city's got a water truck

that hoses down the streets.

Oh. Well,

how's that gonna help?

Watch this.

Look at her go.

Whoops.

Whoops, what?

Yonder comes another.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Hey, hey!

You're under arrest.

Hang on.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[SHOUTING]

Hey, would it be worth

another ten bucks for them

to hit the fireplug?

Sure, but I don't know

what you want

with all this money.

The way you drive,

you're never gonna make it

all the way to Hollywood.

Watch this.

Well, I'll be.

How'd you know

they'd do that?

Just practice.

I used to spin the tractor

in the hog waller.

[GROANING]

Those boys probably

needed a bath anyway.

Now, where do you wanna go,

Mr. Turner?

To the hospital.

The hospital? How come?

For the nervous breakdown

I'm having.

You don't need the hospital,

here's what you need.

Go on, try it.

You might even like it.

[SNIFFING]

Are you sure I'm supposed

to drink this?

[COUGHING]

Yipes.

Feeling better already?

What is this?

Garlic wine.

My daddy made it hisself.

Kind of grows on you,

don't it?

My gosh, I think you're right.

I guess I owe you for this,

too.

No,

that one's on the house.

But you do owe me

the 20 bucks on the fireplug.

Ten.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Hey, did you ever meet

Gene Autry up in Hollywood?

DAN: I was getting

used to Cindy Lou's

style of driving,

but I couldn't stay

in her cab all night.

I put my gray cells

back to work on the killing.

If I'd been

the intended target

at the amusement park

and then again

at my rented igloo,

then instead of

solving Maizie's murder

and the attempt on Donaldson,

I only had to figure out

who would want me croaked.

You've gotten awful quiet.

That garlic wine get to you?

No, I was just thinking.

Yeah?Uh-huh.

About a guy who thought

I got close to his sweetie

and then paid me

to keep an eye on her.

Is this man stupid?

No, doll.

He's a very smart guy.

Why do you ask?

Because he sent the fox

to guard the henhouse.

Now, that doesn't sound

exactly smart to me.

So, maybe he had

something else in mind.

Sweetheart,

you just said a mouthful.

Keep that motor purring, doll.

[DOORBELL RINGING]

Yes?

Miss Vala Duvalle, please.

Miss Duvalle has

long since retired.

Well, you just trot her

out of retirement.

I wanna speak to her.

Now, see here!

When you say that you say

"Now, see here, sir."

How long has it been

since you've had

a good poke in the trumpet?

Well, let go of me,

you common thug,

or I shall call the police.

[GRUNTING]

Jackson? Jackson?

What's wrong?

I heard noises.

Oh.

Hi, toots. Remember me?

Of course, I remember you.

Where's Ballantyne?

Bernie's upstairs.

Sorry, sister. You're lying

through your teeth.

If he was,

he'd be down here by now.

What do you want?

Some answers.

Let's have a few drinks,

okay?

I should call the police

right now.

Sure you should.

Why don't you?

Mr. Turner,

it's late and I have

an early call tomorrow.

Why don't we stop

fencing with each other?

Why don't you tell me

what you want?

Right now,

I'd just like to save

my own neck.

Well, I don't give a damn

about your neck.

Look, doll,

about the blackmail.

You bastard!

Hey, take it easy.

Or what? You'll shoot me?

The goose that lays

your golden egg?

Get out!

Get out, you bastard!

You got your money.

What more do you want?

I'd like to earn it.

And to do that,

I've got to get you

out of trouble.

What're you talking about?

What trouble?

The trouble Bernie talked

to you about in his office

a few days ago.

The trouble that had you

leaving there in tears.

The same trouble he hired me

to investigate.

You know, trouble.

I...

I didn't...

I--I thought...

Oh please,

help me, Mr. Turner.

I don't know who to turn to.

JACKSON: [CLEARING THROAT]

Miss Duvalle?

Shall I call the...

No, no, no.

Everything's all right.

Uh, I shouldn't need you

anymore tonight, Jackson.

Yes, ma'am.

Mind if I help myself?

Of course not.

All right.

Who's been blackmailing you?

I really don't know.

They send me letters

telling me where

to leave the money.

Then if I fail, they--

they've threatened to

tell about Roy and me.

Look, you have to believe me.

All right, kitten.

Maybe I'm a sap.

But I believe you.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Turner.

I've been so frightened,

but now...

Can you help me?

Sure, I can.

I've already eliminated

every suspect except one.

Roy Cromwell himself.

That's crazy.

Why would Roy need

to blackmail anyone?

Why, he's the highest

paid director on the lot

at Paravox.

Besides,

he'd never tell Bernie.

That'd be cutting

his own throat.

That's the beauty of it.

Who would ever suspect him?

And as for the money,

sure he makes big dough,

but he blows it all

on gambling.

No, no. That's too vile.

You're saying that

he made love to me

just so he could

blackmail me?

That's right.

I'm sorry, kitten.

You deserve better.

No, it's not possible.

It's unthinkable.

Who else knew you'd be

in Pedro's passion pit

that one evening?

Sure, it's Roy Cromwell.

He squired you around,

jockeyed you into position,

and then sent you

those blackmail notes.

There's no way

you'd ever suspect him.

Why, that...

You said it.

And on top of that,

he tried to pawn you off

on me that night at Pedro's.

And when those pictures

came out,

Bernie got plenty sore at me.

I guess he still is.

Bernie's not a forgiving man.

If he thinks he owes you,

he'll get you.

Believe me.

I found that out.

Sure.

That's why

he tried to frame me

for Maizie's murder.

Thanks for the powwow.

Where's Bernie now?

He's, uh, he has a hotel room

near the set.

I'm quite sure he's not alone.

He's never been

faithful to me.

Our marriage was just a matter

of public relations to him.

That's tough to figure.

A gorgeous doll like you.

Thank you.

I'm glad you think so.

I hope you don't think I'm...

I think you're fine.

Thank you, Dan.

May I call you Dan?

Angel, you kiss me

like that again,

you can call me Doris.

DAN: Not many guys

get a shot

at a real live goddess.

I wouldn't have been human

if I was able to say no

to Vala.

And I'm as human

as the next kink.

But sooner or later,

my mind had to get back

to business.

If Roy was the blackmailer,

it made sense

that he would try to kill me

to keep me from finding out.

Except I knew Roy

and while he had

a whole lot of faults,

he was a damn good shot

with a pistol.

Miss me twice

from close range?

Not Roy.

But who did that leave?

Who wanted me dead that bad?

Not just out of the way,

but dead.

I was beginning to think

there was only one answer

to that question.

And I didn't much like it.

I was pretty sure

I had the whole thing

solved now.

But before

I could be positive,

I had to get everyone on deck

for the big blow-off.

[DIALING]

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

Was I gone that long?

Yes, sir, Mr. Turner.

You surely were.

You must've had

an awful lot of questions.

Well, I'm back now.

With some answers.

Uh-huh.

With lipstick on your ear?

Get in.

You know

how you make gunpowder?

No. I buy mine ready-made.

You pour in

all the ingredients

and you stir 'em up.

Oh, you've been stirring up

the ingredients, huh?

Yep. And now I'm about

to set a match to 'em.

You think you can find me

a telephone?

We're practically there.

A juke joint, huh?

Good idea.

It's a little past

closing time,

but I know

there's a phone in here.

♪♪[CLARANCE HUMMING]

[WATER SLOSHING]

Hey, Clarance,

okay to use your telephone?

Sure, hon.

Go right ahead.

You know where it's at.

Phone's over there.

This shouldn't take long.

♪♪[HUMMING]

Hello, is Roy Cromwell in?

Of course,

I know what time it is.

I'm his producer,

Bernie Ballantyne.

Well, you tell him

I'll be by a little later.

And daddy loves this one,

[RINGING]and I love this one,

oh, and I love...

I don't believe this.

Get that for me.

Will you, baby doll?

And I love this one.

Oh, and save that big one

for me.

Hello? Bernie? Turner here.

Oh, Turner, you got

a lot of guts calling me.

Keep your shirt on,

half-pint.

I know who's been putting

the squeeze on your girl.

Vala?

You know who's been

blackmailing Vala?

You bet.

It's your hired hand,

Roy Cromwell.

He needed a wad of scratch

for some gambling debts,

so he got her

in a compromising situation

and tried to blackmail her

for it.

What?

Don't worry. She's clean.

But it looks real bad.

Have you told this

to anybody else?

Not yet.

And here's something else

you can chew on.

I know who got my gun

back at the amusement park.

Your gun? You mean...

That's right.

That's just what I mean.

Goombye.

Get me the police.

DAN: I'd like to speak

to Lieutenant Donaldson

from Los Angeles.

Is he around?

You better believe it.

He got a bandage

on his head,

makes him

look like a swami.

Hey, Lieutenant?

It's for you.

This is Lieutenant Donaldson.

Hi, Dave. Guess who.

Turner.

Well, I'll be a...

Sure,

you probably already are one.

Listen, Dave, I've cracked

the Murdock killing.

I need you but quick.

Oh, yeah?

I'd just love to see you, pal.

I'd love to see you

in a nice, warm cell.

Cut the comedy, Dave.

I got the killer.

The same citizen

who nicked your noggin.

I'd love to stay

and chat longer,

but I'm on my way

to Cromwell's.

If you wanna

be in on the finish,

I suggest you meet me there.

So long.

OFFICER: He hung up before

I could trace the call,

Lieutenant.

One more stop, doll.

And that should wrap it up.

Then let's ramble.

[SIGHING]

You'd better scram now, hon.

Things could heat up

around here in a big hurry.

Okay, Mr. Turner.

Well, look,

if you're sure...

I'm sure.

Skedaddle on out of here

and thanks, baby.

I couldn't have done it

without you.

Been wanting to do that

all night, Mr. Turner.

Looks like every girl in town

has gotten in ahead of me.

Well, it was worth the wait.

Maybe I'll see you

out in Hollywood, huh?

Kiss like that

and you can count on it.

Listen, when you get

down to Hollywood,

you give me a call.

I'm in the book.

I'll take you

to the Brown Derby.

Lash La Rue eats there.

You make it a date,

Mr. Turner.

Goodbye.

DAN: It wasn't too hard

to find the little shanty

that Paravox had rented

for Roy Cromwell.

It was almost as nice

as Vala Duvalle's digs,

but I didn't have

much time to admire it.

I had company.

Well, hi there, Dave.

DAVE: Put 'em where

I can see 'em, Turner.

Sure thing.

You must've burned rubber

getting over here.

You guys made good time.

Be careful how you handle

that thing, chum.

It could go off.

So, this is what

you shot me with.

Oh, come on, Dave.

You know that wasn't me.

You're gonna stand out here

and jaw at me all night

or can we go indoors

for the payoff?

This is the payoff,

smart guy.

Slip the bracelets on him.

Okay.

But don't blame me

when this case

blows up in your kisser.

The next kill

will be your fault.

What next kill?

Right here

in Cromwell's shanty.

I've sicced the killer on him.

And judging from the extra

chariot in the driveway,

Cromwell's got a visitor

right now.

I've done my part.

It's your picnic now, Dave.

All right. Come on,

but the handcuffs stay on.

Keep an eye out.

If anyone else shows up,

escort them inside.

Let's go.

Uh-uh.

It doesn't pay to advertise.

So how do you propose

to get in, smart guy?

Well, it's your collar, Dave,

but if I were you,

I'd try the doorknob.

Turner, if this is some

wild goose chase...

Come on.

CROMWELL: All right,

all right, I admit it.

I did it.

But try to understand.

I needed the money.

Can't you understand that?

I had to have the money.

I was in debt to loan sharks.

I'll make it up to you.

I will.

I'll get the money back.

I swear I will.

Just please,

put that gun down! No!

[GUN FIRING]No!

This is the police!

It's all over.

[GRUNTING]

DAVE: Get up.

Slowly.

You okay, Turner?

Nothing's broken.

VALA: You!

Yeah. Me, kitten.

Just in time to keep you

from icing someone else.

VALA: How did you know?

The Raven Red.

My nail polish?

What's this, uh,

nail polish malarkey?

In a minute, Dave.

You thought

I was the blackmailer,

didn't you?

At least, at first.

When I made that crack

in Ballantyne's office,

something about

getting paid dividends

for telling tales,

you took it for real.

You were already being

bled by somebody.

You figured it was me.

Well, don't stop now.

And the way

I figure it is,

when you came on location here

and saw that I trailed you,

you got plenty hot.

Hot enough to cream me,

only you missed.

And got Maizie Murdock

instead.

No. I--I didn't.

Sure you did.

And then you came

back to my place later

and tried again.

It's a good thing

you're just a lousy shot.

Depends on who you talk to,

Sherlock.

And that's about it.

Except for the nail polish.

I still don't understand.

Raven Red.

It's what made me

tumble to the whole thing.

It's hard to forget.

And I've been wearing

the same brand myself lately.

You're wearing

nail polish now, Turner?

When I called on you

a little while ago,

I was hoping to get

the goods on Bernie.

At the time, I had him

tabbed for the killer.

But then

I saw your nail polish

on the dressing table.

It's the same color

as the nail polish

that was on my gun

when Maizie got shot.

And you were just

coming back from makeup

with a fresh coat of powder,

lipstick,

and Raven Red nail polish.

A perfect match.

The company that makes it

does special custom jobs

for rich customers.

It's a rare color.

I bet they made this one

especially for you, doll.

Once I had that much,

the rest was easy.

I told you Cromwell

was the blackmailer,

although I wasn't quite sure

it was true at the time.

I figured

you'd haul over here

and try to cream him

like you did me,

only you missed and shot

Maizie Murdock instead.

I guess murder gets easier

each time you try.

I'm sorry, kitten.

And I mean that.

I could've gone for you

in a big way, Dan.

It would never work.

You'd always be wondering

how much I knew

and what I was gonna

do about it.

And I'd always be

waiting for you to try

just one more time.

OFFICER:

I told you to stay out!

BERNIE: I'll go

anywhere I want!

I rent this place.

Hey, watch the coat!

DAVE: Oh, let him go.

What the hell's going on

in here?

Vala, honey, baby, honey.

Oh, Bernie.

What's wrong?

Oh, honey, don't worry.

What's wrong?

Turner, what the hell's

going on here?

I'm sorry, Ballantyne,

but your girl's headed

for the slammer.

What're you saying to me?

Your fair-haired boy here

was blackmailing her,

and she couldn't take it.

She thought

I was the guilty party

and tried to kill me.

Only she missed and nailed

Maizie Murdock.

If you ask me,

it's all Cromwell's fault.

Dan, what're you saying?

I thought we were pals.

Yeah, I thought so, too.

Cromwell,

I don't know any of this

what he's telling me,

but I do know one thing.

You don't work

for Paravox anymore.

Bernie, I can explain.And I'll tell you

another thing.

By the time

I get through with you,

you'll be lucky to get

a job selling popcorn.

[SCOFFING]

Blackmail,

my tuchus.

[GROANING]

[GASPING]

I can't believe this.

I just can't believe this.

You know,

I think he means it.

[GASPING]

DAN: He did mean it, too.

The very next day,

a new director

took over the picture.

Of course, it wasn't the same

without Vala Duvalle.

[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING]

That night Dave Donaldson

and I took a train back

where we belong.

Dave and I still

didn't see eye to eye

on a lot of things,

but we both knew what to do

when the drinks were

on Bernie Ballantyne.

Bernie had a lot

of favors called in

and the last I heard,

Roy Cromwell was parking

cars at a joint over

on the strip.

The Duvalle cutie,

on the other hand,

got lucky.

Ballantyne got her

the best lawyers

his lettuce could buy

and even though

the gossip journals

had her getting life,

the jury only sent her

away for 10 years

on an involuntary

manslaughter charge.

Even if she served

the whole 10 and a couple

dozen more on top of it,

I'd bet she'd still look great

when she got out.

Vala Duvalle, what a woman.

Still, sometimes it's funny

how things work out.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Well, now, I see Rufus

has found his way home.

I'm really kind of

busy now, doll.

All right, Dan Turner.

None of your monkeyshines.

No, ma'am.

Look, why don't you put

your jacket on?

There's a table waiting

at the Brown Derby

with our name on it.

Let 'em wait.

DAN: Yes, sir.

Sometimes it's funny

how things work out.