Dan Soder: Son of a Gary (2019) - full transcript
♪
Okay, boys and girls.
Let's keep our eyes
on the prize.
Fly safe, fly true.
Set your phasers to "fun".
Hey, Captain!
-They are so great.
-No, they're really not.
♪
Oh, Mr. Judd. You're here!
Good job. I like to see folk
take pride in their work,
even if some might call that
work menial. Not me, though.
We consider passengers
as equals.
Hi.
This is not good!
♪
Let's-- Let's all
take a second here.
-They'll figure this out.
-Who's the engineer here?
-Who's the genius?
-Who's the captain?
Who fucked up?
-What the hell's going on?
-Should we be scared?
This is a safe space,
emotionally.
Physically, we're obviously
in terrible danger.
Everybody, stay calm!
Hey, you're not, uh, getting
into some escape pod, are you?
Ma'am, if I had an escape pod,
I would put you in it.
Set the fucking thing on fire.
♪
♪
Announcer:
Ladies and gentlemen,
Dan Soder!
Yeah.
Yay!
How the hell are ya?
Wha? Ah!
All right.
All right.
Thank you. All right.
That-- that's--
It was believable to a point.
But then you're like,
you don't even know.
You don't know
how this is gonna go.
This could suck!
You could leave
and you'd be like,
"Why the fuck
did I clap in the beginning?
That guy stinks at comedy!"
I don't know.
I don't know anything.
I'm a dumb person.
I've learned
you're not allowed
to call yourself dumb
on the Internet
without a stranger
arguing with you.
That's how fucking
broken the Internet is.
If you go online,
you're like, "I'm an idiot!"
Someone you've never met
will be like, "Don't say that."
"You don't know that."
It's the only thing
I actually know.
I'm 36 years old.
I just learned,
this summer, from a doctor,
I'm no longer allowed to eat,
then go to sleep.
What kind of horseshit
world are we living in?
Dude, my favorite thing
in the world is to eat,
then go directly to sleep.
I'll eat laying down
if it speeds up the process.
Have you ever had a huge meal
then gone right to sleep?
You sleep so fuckin' deep.
You touch the bottom
of the pool every time.
Whenever I meet someone
that's like, "I have insomnia,"
I'm like, "You're not
eating late enough."
Just...
eat as your eyes
are shutting,
you're gonna go down
like a goddamn grizzly bear.
You are gonna wake up
with the heartburn
of a 20-year
homicide detective...
...getting chewed up
by cold cases.
Like, "All those bodies
and no names!"
"Those are someone's
children, Diane!?
Yeah, sometimes--
I'm glad you guys liked that
'cause there's been
some audiences that are like,
"Is that a fake detective
with PTSD?"
What are you mad about?
It's a made-up person.
He's never seen real shit.
I should tell you
at the top of this,
I am, uh, I am 20% white trash,
so it should explain
everything else.
It's not a--
Twenty percent white trash
isn't enough to hurt you.
It's not, it just means
I like multiple flavors
of Mountain Dew...
...and I have bet and lost money
on the X-Games.
I had a snowmobile parlay
that fucked me.
No, I grew up in Colorado
and I was always like,
"Oh, our, uh, our white trash
doesn't have accents
'cause we don't have accents."
And then I watched the X-Games
and I was like,
"There it is. There it is."
Just every athlete that's like,
"Hey, what's up?
I want to give a shout-out
to my sponsors."
Like, "Fuck, it's every kid
I went to middle school
with in Aurora."
"Just want to say
what's up to Fox Racing,
"Hefty Garbage Bags,
KY Jelly."
"How the fuck are those
your sponsors?"
Yeah.
I'm a-- I'm a guaranteed weirdo
'cause I'm an only child.
Um... I was--
I was raised by a single mom,
so I was alone a lot,
and my dad picked
the bottle over me,
so comedian.
That's the recipe.
Just add water.
Or, in my dad's case, Bacardi,
and then he fucks off.
Yeah! You guys
don't think I'm up here
'cause shit
went well, do you?
You think that's why
I'm onstage nightly,
begging for the
affection of strangers...
...'cause I had
a good childhood?
If I had a good childhood,
I wouldn't be a comedian.
I'd just be the
funniest guy that works
at Enterprise Rental Car.
Don't-- Don't
act like I wouldn't.
I would fucking
crush on the lot.
I'd be upgrading you
from a standard to a full size.
Yeah, I was just a weird kid.
I was just a strange--
I talked to myself a lot.
Loved action figures.
Loved action figures,
until I was 12.
It's... pretty old.
It's kind of old to play
with boy dolls.
Also at 12 years old,
because I'm 20% white trash,
I started smoking cigarettes.
Do you know how hilarious
of an overlap that is?
I would--
I would play with my GI Joes
in earnest for 30 minutes,
and then go outside
and fire up a Marlboro Red.
Just like...
"I think Cobra's
got the high ground."
"We lost a Ninja Turtle
to a lawnmower last week.
War is hell."
Some little girl
in my neighborhood
walks up with a cigarette,
she's like, "You got a light?
Ken and Barbie
aren't doing so hot."
"We had to put a Pound Puppy
down last week."
I'm kidding, I would never
hurt a dog. I love dogs.
I get excited every time--
Every single time
I see a dog, I get excited,
even when I have weed
on me at the airport.
It's a complicated
relationship.
Remember you got that
bag of weed in your pocket,
and you turn the corner,
and you're like,
"You a good boy
or a bad boy?"
That dog's like...
Gets close to you,
you're like, "Fuck,
please be cool. Fuck!"
There's always one person
there to be like,
"Those dogs actually
sniff for bombs,"
and you're like,
"Ah, well, in that case,
thank you for your service."
"I've always really
respected Labradors.
I find you to be
a great breed."
I feel bad for the guys that
hold those dogs at the airport.
Always the bridesmaid,
never the bride.
I bet there's a bunch
of shit they want to smell.
Dude, that's--
I think that's hilarious
that they signed up to be like,
"I want to protect people
that are traveling.
How do you
want me to do that?"
And someone was like,
"Fucking hold this dog."
"But make sure
you scream at every child
that tries to touch it."
See, that's the best part
of consistently traveling
is watching little kids
learn to hate authority
'cause they've tried
to pet the security dog.
They're walking through,
and they're like, "Doggy!"
Some cop's like,
"Don't touch the dog!"
Some five-year-old's like,
"Man, fuck the police.
This fucking pig, stopping me
from touching a doggy."
I travel, uh,
I travel, on average about 25,
30 weeks a year doing this.
That's a lot of airports.
That's a lot of
other people's children.
I hear a lot of screaming babies
for a guy that comes
in the right places.
Fucking farm to bag!
I don't get mad
at screaming babies.
I'm not a monster.
I think you're a dick
if you get mad
at a screaming baby
on an airplane.
I know what's going on,
that kid can't talk.
Its ears hurt
so it's just gonna scream.
I think you're a dick
if you get mad at the parents
of a screaming baby
on an airplane.
Have you seen the parents
of a screaming baby
on an airplane?
They are not into it!
They're not like, "Yeah,
this guy fucking yells, huh?
"You guys want to see
something cool?
"Sometimes I push
real deep on his stomach
and he goes fucking nuts."
It's the only way to fly...
a child losing its shit.
I've gotten on flights though,
and I've seen people that
don't have screaming babies,
you know, they're just
on the flight and they go
right to that gate agent,
and they're like,
"I'm a Sky Miles member
and I was..."
Like, you're a piece of shit!
You're an active piece of shit.
But that's what happened.
That's what Yelp did to us.
Just turned us into
a generation of snitches.
It's true, man, we love
to tell on each other.
Like, "He did that."
For what? For what?
For your benefit?
Dude, the customer
service generation
has ruined the American dream.
Sincerely, like that
old American dream.
You know, that one
that's like...
"I'm gonna work hard,
save up my money,
and give my kids a better life."
That shit's gone!
The new American dream is like,
"I spent a
little bit of money...
"on a product.
"If anything... goes wrong,
I'm gonna fucking
uncork on someone."
Yeah!
You know how dogs, uh,
pre-bark before they bark?
If you have a dog,
you know what I'm talking about.
Like, dogs can hear...
They can hear people
walk up to the door.
So, before those people
hit the doorbell,
the dogs will be asleep
and they'll be like, "Bark."
And then-- and then, you know.
And then the doorbell goes,
like...
America's in a constant
pre-bark bark.
That's where
we're at right now.
Trust me, dude, I know.
I was a really shitty
waiter for six years,
real bad.
Trust-- However bad you think,
much worse.
Straight up used to
forget people existed.
I was a terrible waiter.
But I always knew
I wasn't actually in trouble
if someone asked
to speak to the manager,
'cause I knew
the problem wasn't real.
It was always, like,
they found a hair in their food.
And those people want
a very specific reaction.
When they find that hair,
they want you,
as their waiter, to be like,
"I'm sorry!
"I fucking suck!
I'm gonna smash my dick
with a hammer!"
They're all, "Yes, yes!
I'm the customer!"
Fucking-- they love that.
I never gave 'em that. Ever!
- Whenever they find a hair in their food, I'd be like...
- "Cool!"
They do not like that.
They don't like
when you do that.
Be like, "Keep going!
You might find another one!"
One time, this lady showed me
a hair, and she goes,
"Whose hair is this?!"
It's like, "The fucking guy
making it!
"What do you want, lady?!
What's your endgame?
You want a kitchen
full of hairless people?"
Do you have any fucking clue
how terrifying that would be?
If you walked in a kitchen
and they had no head,
or eyebrow hair.
Like, "It's almost ready!"
Like, "What is? What are you
fucking serpent people making?"
You want a kitchen
full of Voldemorts.
You're cool with that.
Dude, I love that
you're laughing,
but your laugh could
also border on bully,
in such a way...
Like, I know it's supportive,
but I am insecure enough,
that if it did--
if a couple of jokes
didn't hit the way I wanted,
I'd be like, "Are you--
what the fuck you
laughing at?"
Just go full Aurora!
Like, "What's up, bro?
You wanna fucking die tonight?"
I don't get mad
at screaming babies.
Just solve the problem yourself,
be an adult.
Be an adult.
Pick the hair out of your food,
fucking move forward.
The second I hear
a screaming baby on an airplane,
I don't get mad. I don't.
Second I hear that kid,
like...
I just shut my eyes,
and pretend the baby is
the lead singer of an EMO band.
You can't get mad at that.
"Waaah!" and then pretend
he has bangs over his face.
♪ I'm flying and I'm scared ♪
♪ And whoa, so, waaaah ♪
And I'm laughing
at a screaming baby,
looking like a psycho.
I'm like, "It's gonna
be a good flight.
"The kid's really going
through some stuff.
He understands pain."
I feel like I should be honest.
I did lie.
I have been mad about
one screaming baby
on an airplane.
Uh, it was a four-hour flight,
and the kid screamed
takeoff to touchdown.
Which, halfway through,
you're like,
"This is just impressive."
The lung capacity on this thing.
It's the second most
impressive thing I've ever seen.
One time I was on a
cross-country flight,
and I took a heavy edible.
And I heard two different
screaming babies harmonize.
I don't even know
if it was the edible,
or if I just made that up,
but I was-- I was
honored to be there.
But this flight,
this four-hour flight,
this kid wouldn't stop.
It was like, "Aaaaah!"
And then as we landed,
you just heard the kid go,
"Aaah! Mom?"
It's like, "Motherfucker!
You can talk?!"
"Now we got a problem!
Now we got a real problem!"
I just--
Waiting at the end
of a jetway for a baby.
Just like...:
"What's up, dude?
"What's up? You fucking 16B?
"You're a noisy boy!
Fuck! What's up, dude?"
I don't have kids.
Don't worry.
I do-- I do not have children.
Uh, not sure if I'm gonna.
I might just keep
shooting my gun in the dirt.
Yeah! Uh, there's been times
where I feel like I'd be
a phenomenal father.
There's been a couple of times
where I'm like,
"I'd be a really good dad."
One time, I brought
edibles home from
Colorado to New York.
And my roommate couldn't sleep.
I told him to eat late.
He didn't listen.
But he's like, "I know
you have those edibles.
Can I eat one
of those edibles?
It might help me sleep."
I was like, "Better,
I'll eat one with you.
I'm a good roommate."
So, he ate his edible
and went to sleep.
I ate my edible
and played video games.
Like a man who lives
with a roommate.
Very on-brand.
I got-- I got through
one quarter of a game
of NBA 2K,
and then I felt the warmth
in my stomach.
You know when
you feel that edible warmth,
and you're like, "Oh!
"There's a storm coming!"
Every weed edible's
the exact same.
You eat it, and then
30 minutes later,
you go, "That didn't do shit!"
And then the edible's like,
"What the fuck did you say?!"
Like the edible
was gonna leave
but it came back in,
"What did they guy say?
What did he say?!
"I don't do shit?
Here's every fear you've had
since you're nine!"
Oh, fuck, oh!
I forgot I don't like
the smell of fresh glue!
So, that's where I'm at!
I'm about to get launched.
And I'm like,
"If I'm going through this..."
Then I look over
to my roommate's bedroom,
his door-- wide open!
He's standing in the doorway,
in just his boxers,
holding a gallon of water.
And right as we make
eye contact, he just goes,
"I think you gave me too much."
It was--
It's the only time in my life
I've ever felt like a dad!
I was like, "Hey, buddy!
Can you not handle your shit?"
"Let's put you on the couch.
Get on some Family Guys ."
I, actually, did a bunch of
shows in Canada this summer,
and I learned that Canada,
as a country,
legalized marijuana completely
across the board.
But they weren't
allowed to have edibles
till December of 2019,
because, in Colorado,
when it went legal in 2014,
a bunch of little kids
ate edibles,
and got cool as fuck!
They were immediately
skateboarding to school.
They called their parents
by their first names.
No, I mean, that's got
to be fucked up.
You're six years old
and you just knock back
three gummy bears
and then 25 minutes later
you're like...
You're starting to sweat like,
"I'm starting to think
Santa's not real.
"Uh, I got first grade right
around the corner. Fuck it.
They're bending
letters into each other."
Yeah.
I do drugs. I'm fun.
I'm a fun, fun guy.
Thank you!
I, uh, I don't--
I don't do coke.
I'm not obnoxious.
Sorry, sorry, not gonna
corner you at a house party
and try to start
a business with you.
It's just fun to see
who's been trapped, by a small--
yeah, with a guy that's like,
"Dude, I'll get us
a website by Monday."
"You know the people,
I know the places.
"We got to fucking hang out.
We got to fucking
hang out way more."
No, I don't like--
I don't like the drugs that
make you take your shirt off.
I don't have
the torso for it.
I like the drugs that make you
wonder why we wear shirts.
The kind, you lay,
and you're like,
"What is a shirt?
Are we shirts for our souls?"
I do mushrooms, I probably
shouldn't have just said that.
I like to, yeah,
I like to do mushrooms.
Yeah. I agree.
I agree,
till I've eaten too many,
then I don't agree.
I eat too many,
I don't like anything...
existence, gravity.
Got a real problem with mirrors.
It's just fun to see who laughs
'cause you know that
they've stared in a mirror
and been like, "Fuck!"
Yeah, last-- two summers ago
I went to a music festival,
and took 3.7 grams of mushrooms.
- Yeah, that's what
I love about drug math.
It fucking gets that
honesty out of people.
That was great.
Doesn't get laughs,
but you-- you know.
I said 3.7 grams,
you know, everyone that
didn't do mushrooms
in the room's like,
"That's not even enough
for a casserole."
They just heard
a bunch of, like,
"Oh, fuck, oh, God.
So you're, like,
a different guy now."
Yeah, don't do that
at a music festival.
A lot of conflicting energies.
I ended up losing
my shit in a field.
I learned a lot.
I learned a whole lot.
Mostly I learned that
electronic dance music
is the devil's music.
You know how, like,
since the '50s, they're like,
"Rock and roll
is the devil's music.
Rap's the devil."
No, those have soul.
EDM is just robots
tricking you into dancing.
"Boop-boop-boop-boop
Boop-boop.
Let the beat drop."
That's Satan.
Who do you think that is?
It's the fucking devil
sealing us up.
No, I just don't--
I just don't like EDM.
I've never heard
an EDM song I like.
It all sounds like it's based
on an alarm clock.
Every single one's like,
"Ca-ca-ca-ca-ca."
You're like, "Oh, fuck,
am I late for my nine o'clock?
No, that's just
the latest single from
a Swedish teenager."
I don't know, Scandinavia
is just pumping out EDM DJs.
You can like EDM,
I don't have to like it.
That's what music is.
You can like shit I don't like,
I can like shit you don't like.
Some people don't like music.
Do you know
those fucking psychos
are walking around?
I was at a barbecue,
and I heard a woman
in a different
conversation group just go,
"I don't like music."
What? I thought she meant,
you know, like, genre.
So I was like, "Oh, you mean,
like, country, or metal?"
She's like,
"I don't like music."
Fun.
I bet you're
a blast on a road trip.
Just an hour in, she's like,
"Turn off the radio!
"I want to hear the wind
whip around the cabin.
"Leave one window down
so an odd pressure builds.
I love long drives
with the feeling of
an inner ear infection."
What kind of broken monster
doesn't like music?
That's fucking strange.
My favorite thing
in the world is to get high,
take a shower,
and listen to music.
Love it.
Love it.
I do it every day.
It might be a problem,
we don't know yet.
I try to explain,
you don't have
to be just high
in the shower
letting the water hit you.
You can do stuff.
You can-- you can air drum.
You can air guitar.
You can do my personal favorite,
which is bring up a fight
with a coworker from 2004.
You guys never reheat some
15-year-old beef in the shower?
That's what shower arguments
are built for,
giving someone
you haven't seen the business.
You're just like, "Fuck you.
You're always that
fucking guy at work."
And then you give them
something to say.
You're like, "I knew you were
gonna bring that up, I knew it!"
This is how low
my self-esteem is.
I lose 50% of my
shower arguments.
I lose as many as I win.
My roommates walked
by the bathroom
and heard me
in the shower alone like,
"You know what?
It's a good point.
I apologize."
"I'm sorry.
I didn't see it
from your perspective."
Yeah, I mean, when you, uh...
when you go on the road
as a mall clown you have to...
Yeah, that's what this is.
People laugh at that,
but it's true, I'm--
I'm a mall clown.
I'm cool with it,
I love my job.
But sometimes when
you're a comedian in 2019,
you can get on Twitter
and see other comedians
that I'm friends with
and genuinely respect,
Tweet out crazy shit like,
"As an artist..."
The fuck are you
talking about?
We're a step above carnies.
Art? You think
I compete with art?
There's not a two-drink
minimum at the ballet.
I know what I am.
Most of the rooms I perform in
were originally designed
for laser tag.
It's all right,
I know what I am.
One of the parts
that sucks that I don't like
is when you're on the road
on Friday mornings,
you got to wake up super early
and you got to go
pimp yourself out
to a local radio station
to sell tickets.
You got to go make fucking
Buzz and the Scooch laugh.
Which is fun until it's not.
Then they suck and they're like,
"Hey, we're here with
Dan Soder from Trillions
and the Campfire Podcast."
Like, "It's called
the fucking Bonfire."
So I was in--
I was in Washington, DC,
and they're like,
"You got to get up
at six in the morning
for morning radio."
I was like, "Fuck that."
I got up at 5:30
in the morning,
got irresponsibly stoned,
and then took a shower
and listened to music,
'cause I'm an artist.
I was in the shower.
I was listening to
Chance the Rapper's
Coloring Book.
Great album.
There's a song on there
with Lil' Wayne
and Lil' Wayne has this verse
where he just goes,
"I got problems bigger
than these boys, oh-oh-oh."
And that noise...
...made me laugh harder
than anything
I've heard in comedy.
Dude, he gives up.
He gives up
in the middle of a song!
He's just like, "Oh-oh-oh."
Look it up, it's not a lyric.
Dude, that shit had me
laughing so fucking hard.
I just started
replicating the noise.
I was like, "Oh-oh-oh."
And then I started putting it
in different situations,
like I was surprised,
like, "Oh-oh-oh."
You know, scared like,
"Oh-oh-oh."
I did it enough that
I was laughing hard enough
that I dropped my body wash,
then when I picked up
my body wash I was like,
"Oh, shit.
This is gonna be
my new mistake noise."
Like, if I meet someone new,
you know, and I'm like,
"This is my friend Adam."
I'm like, "Adam?"
"Aaron."
"Oh-oh-oh."
So now I'm laughing harder.
I'm having a great,
great naked, wet laugh,
which surprisingly
you get very few of in life.
Most of the time
if you're naked,
you're wet,
and you're laughing,
you're a crazy person.
You just escaped something.
You're just like, "Yeah!"
Like, "He's so
fucking slippery."
So I'm in the shower.
I'm laughing very hard,
and then I just hear
a very subtle, like
"Shut the fuck up."
But I'm high enough
that I'm like,
"Maybe I'm--
Maybe I'm making that up."
So I turn--
turn the speaker off,
get back in the shower,
I hear it
very clear like,
"Shut the fuck up."
I don't think I've ever
laughed harder in my life.
I almost slipped in the tub.
That guy's day is fucking done.
5:50 in the morning
you're up slamming
on a wall yelling,
"Shut the fuck up"?
You cannot have
a good day after that.
You know how many times
that guy heard me
make that noise?
It wasn't once.
Just dead asleep
and it's like, "Oh-oh-oh."
"Shut up."
"Oh-oh-oh."
"Shut the fuck up."
"Oh-oh-oh."
"Shut the fuck up!"
That guy definitely
has a real job.
He's just tired at work later
in a conference room like,
"Hey, guys. Uh, sorry
I'm not the sharpest.
"They got me staying
next to Lil' Wayne.
This guy is full of mistakes."
Pretty sure
I'm gonna die alone.
We all are physically,
unless you grab a nurse
at the last second.
I just wanted to see
who's fun in the room.
Fuck you,
that's a fun joke.
If you could time
that out right,
that's a real fun joke.
Just second to last
breath like,
"Get over here."
Just fuck up some
orderly's Wednesday.
They're like, "Yeah,
was a good day
"till the guy in 34C fucking
headlocked me before he died.
"20 minutes, 20 minutes
in that armpit.
They had to butter
my neck to get me out."
Now, I'm 36 years old.
I'm single.
I don't believe
in dating apps,
'cause you can't
smell the other person.
Come at me with your science,
I will prove you wrong.
No, I, uh... dating in my 30s
is basically me looking back
to every single one
of my previous relationships
and being like,
"Oh, it was my fault...
the whole time.
Huh, really thought it was
someone else there
for a second."
I used to have such a bad
drinking problem in my 20s,
I would wake up on the subway
in New York and be like,
"Not a decent woman
in this town."
Fucking puke all over my jeans.
I'm like, "You cannot
find a good girl."
And now I'm like, "Oh yeah,
call's definitely coming
from inside the house."
A lot of apologies.
No, I used to, you know,
when I was in my 20s
and even in my early 30s,
used to be afraid
to tell women that I had
a fucked up childhood.
I just didn't want to tell 'em
'cause I was afraid
they were gonna run away,
and now I realize, if you had
a fucked up childhood,
you should brag about it...
'cause it means
you can endure.
And it means you're gonna be
way better at sex as an adult.
Sorry, everyone,
that's the trade-off.
Terrible childhood,
dynamite in the bedroom.
You're not gonna be
a good partner, no, no, no.
You're gonna be a
big problem for a lot of people,
but you're gonna have
some seasoning on you.
What, do you want to
fuck someone that got raised
by two loving parents?
What, do you want to make
eye contact the whole time
and stay in between
the sheets?
Gross.
I want to fuck someone
that got punched in the head
for no reason.
I want a wild card.
Best sex I ever had in my life,
I had to watch
my wallet the entire time.
I thought we were being adults,
being honest with each other.
I'm broken, I have
abandonment issues.
I go down on women
like I have abandonment issues.
I give please-don't-leave-me
head.
I'm broken,
your cum is the glue.
It's an old family motto.
I think my grandma
has it stitched on a pillow.
I think it's so weird.
I think it's so weird
you're allowed to
advertise with sex.
You're allowed to make people
feel like shit because of sex.
But the second you bring up
the psychological reasoning
for a sexual behavior,
everyone gets weird.
It's fucked up.
It's hard to meet
a sexual partner
that you match with.
Some people
like to talk dirty.
Some people don't.
Real tough to be on the
wrong end of that one.
I hooked up with a girl once,
I started talking dirty
and immediately she goes,
"Oh boy. We got a talker."
Oh, whoo, that was right
in the solar plex.
Yeah, if you ever want
to know how to shut
someone up during sex
that is the perfect way.
I promise you,
for the next four minutes
that man's gonna
breathe through his nose
like he's moving a couch
against his will.
It's a lot of through
the teeth talking.
You're like, "Fuck,
it feels very good."
No, I mean, I'm still idyllic.
You know, I'm 36,
but I'm still idyllic.
I love crushes.
Crushes are fun.
When you have a crush on someone
and you see 'em and you're like,
"Fuck."
Or they text you
and you're like, "Oh, fuck."
Or you tell them
you have a crush on them
and they're, like, not into it
and you're like, "Fuck."
Dude, revealing a crush
to someone that's not into it
has to be the creepiest
feeling in the world.
You feel like you're showing
someone a dead body
in the woods.
You're like, "Come here,
I want to show you something."
She's like, "What? What is it?"
"Come here, it's over here.
I put it under this tarp."
Like, "What?"
And you're like, "I love you!"
They're like, "No,
I thought we were friends!"
You're like, "Fuck, no.
We're just friends.
We're just friends.
"Fuck it. Totally friends.
"Fuck. Fuck, let's get out
of these woods, huh?
Let's fucking go."
I like having crushes.
They're still fun.
But I'm in my 30s,
so they're just a little
more perverted.
That's it, that's
the only difference.
When I had a crush on a girl
when I was a teenager,
I was always like,
"She's so pretty. I hope I--
I hope I get to kiss her."
Now at 36,
when I like a woman I'm like,
"Phew, I hope
I get to eat her butt.
"I'm trying to put my mouth
on her worst part
over and over again."
Which is crazy 'cause
I remember growing up,
uh, you know, little kids would
always try to tease you,
and they'd be like,
"You're a butt munch."
Remember that?
Like, "You're a butt munch."
You're like, "No, I'm not!
No, I'm not!"
Turns out those kids
nailed it, nailed it.
They knew me better
than I knew myself.
It took three decades
for my palate to develop.
I definitely--
I definitely can't, uh,
I definitely can't date a woman
that doesn't have
a dark sense of humor.
If you don't laugh
at dark humor,
I don't think
I can hang out with you
if you don't laugh
at dark humor.
If you don't laugh
at dark humor,
I think you did something,
you know?
Any time I've ever met
someone that's like,
"Don't joke about that!"
It's like, "Who did you hurt?"
If you don't laugh
at dark humor,
I'm convinced you don't laugh
at your own farts.
I don't want that for anybody.
What a tough way
to go through life,
just standing there
alone like...
How dare that air
rip out my butthole?
You know, I love farts.
Farts are the funniest
thing in the world,
any country, any language,
top dog, farts.
Biggest laugh
I ever got in my life
was 'cause of a fart.
Fifteen years old,
I was taking the PSATs.
You know exactly
what kind of chair I was in.
I was in one of those orange
public school plastic chairs,
the original fart amp.
Dude, the curvature
on those bad boys--
unbelievable.
If you had the one with
the three slits in the back,
you could play
different chords.
It's like, "Peh-peh-peh."
So my mom gets
the money together.
I go to take the PSATs.
It's on a Saturday.
They put me in a classroom
with three of my best friends.
That's their first mistake.
Second mistake was the teacher
that was proctoring the tests
was a teacher
from a different school,
so I don't know this guy.
I don't respect his smell.
I'm making my friends laugh
throughout the test.
Halfway through
the teacher just comes
and stands over my desk
and he goes,
"Young man, do you know
how to be quiet?
Q-U-I..."
Right as he gets to the E
I just look up at him
and lean a little bit
to my left, and then went...
Biggest laugh
I ever got in my life.
Legitimately thought I was
gonna get a standing ovation.
It was like a fucking
Def Jam set in there.
Then a DJ played me
out of the room.
That's not true.
They asked me to leave.
They, uh...
Yeah, you can't fart
in a teacher's face
and go right back
to your Scantron.
I definitely broke
a grown man that day.
You can't return
to a position of authority
after a teenager
has locked eyes
and farted in your face.
I heard he walked into the woods
and ended it Japanese style,
the honorable way.
No, I think you
should use dark humor
to laugh at the shit
in your own life that hurts.
I think that's the best use
for humor in general
is just make fun of the shit
in your life that sucks,
and it helps.
It doesn't solve it,
but it alleviates it.
If you make fun of the
darkest shit in your life,
I promise you,
it's just a drop of lube...
...in a buttfucking of a life.
I love doing dead dad jokes.
My dad's dead.
People with dead dads
love dead dad jokes.
You know who doesn't like
dead dad jokes, surprisingly?
People with living dads.
Greedy assholes, you're like,
"Are you talking
about my papa?"
Like, "Shut up. Shut up,
he's fucking fine."
If you have a dead parent,
you know what I'm talking about,
the second
you bring it up to someone
that doesn't have
a dead parent,
they get weird as fuck.
It's not their fault,
they just don't know
how to handle that
so they just get, like...
They end up just
launching sympathy at you
that feels way out of place.
When they find out
they're like, "No!"
You're like, "What the fuck?
What do they owe you money?
What's up?"
Like, I don't understand that.
I don't understand why
you're sad about something
that you've never...
Like, I tell people
all the time
my dad died of drinking
when I was 14,
and immediately
people are like,
"That is terrible."
You don't know him.
He was a Jimmy Buffet fan.
That's exactly what he wanted.
Cirrhosis is
the Parrot Head way out.
My dad literally wasted away
in Margaritaville.
What are you sad about?
You didn't-- He's not your dad.
I don't understand
why his alcoholism's always
supposed to be sad
when I tell people
he's an alcoholic.
They're like,
"Did he steal your food money
and spend it on his hooch?"
No, he was just fun.
I'm sorry that my dad
partied so hard
he died from it.
What's up, Gary?
I think your living dads
are a bunch of nerds.
Staying alive your whole life,
fucking geeks.
"Oh, I'm gonna be there
when you turn into a man."
Beat it, dork.
Go steal some rum,
disappear for a couple years.
Make me interesting.
I don't even know
if my dad is actually dead.
That's just some shit
my grandma told me.
You guys just got white-trash
M. Night Shyamalaned.
Fucking twisted.
No, he's dead.
He's in the dirt.
We, uh... we have
the paperwork.
Did you know there's
levels of dead dad?
I didn't know that,
like degrees of a black belt.
Like, when my dad
was alive he wasn't around,
so I was always jealous
of kids whose dads were around.
Then my dad died,
then I got jealous of kids
with better dead dads.
Dude, I've lived in New York
the last 13 years.
I have multiple friends
whose dads died
saving people in 9-11.
Top-shelf dead dad.
That is premium American hero,
dead dad.
My dad died
drinking next to a lake.
He relaxed to death.
Bottom-shelf dead dad.
Dude, my friends' dads
probably said something
heroic, you know, like,
"We need to save
those people."
My dad's last words were, like,
"I like mine
with lettuce and tomato."
"Pickles and pickle,
and cold..."
I don't even believe in death.
I think it's just another form
of consciousness.
That's how many
mushrooms I've taken.
I know, I know.
I definitely believe
in aliens, that's for sure.
It's 2019, if you don't
believe in aliens,
you're an asshole.
And you're the reason
they're not showing up.
Fucking knock it off.
Be cool,
they have a lot of stuff
we could use.
I think if you don't believe
in aliens it's for two reasons.
It's either mathematically
you don't know how large
the universe is,
or psychologically you don't
want to deal with the fact
that aliens don't want
to hang out with us.
Stings, don't it?
They're just flying right
by like, "No, fuck that shit."
Why would they?
Why would they ever want
to hang out with us?
We've never left the planet.
We went to the moon in the '60s.
We haven't stopped
sucking our own dicks since.
We went to
the edge of the driveway
and touched the mailbox.
And we're like,
"We're space travelers."
Shut up.
What happens
whenever we go
to another planet?
Whenever we launch
a fucking satellite
to another planet,
the second it touches down,
first thing, humans are like,
"Is there water here?"
What a shitty way
to show up somewhere.
If anyone walked
into your house like,
"Where's your water?
If you don't have water,
you don't have life!"
You'd be like,
"Get the fuck out of my house."
We don't know.
We're the home-schooled
kids of the universe.
That's what we are.
We've never left the planet.
We're just standing on our
lawn like, "We have puzzles."
And they're like,
"Get the fuck out of here."
My favorite people
are the people who
want to fight the aliens.
Those people are
fucking hilarious.
They're always like,
"Let them show up."
It's like, what are
you gonna do?
What are you gonna
Will Smith them?
You gonna
punch them in the face
and they're gonna fuck off?
You forget that Pokemon Go
almost took us out.
Do you remember that
smudge on humanity?
People were looking
at their phones like,
"I think there's a Pikachu."
And it's like,
Like, "Aah."
I think my fear of aliens
is that they are gonna land,
I'm gonna meet one,
say something stupid,
and then they're
gonna fuck off.
I'm always afraid that
I've said some dumb shit
and I'm not aware of it,
always.
I live in Queens.
I've lived there for 13 years.
I live next to a mosque,
best neighbors
I've ever had in my life.
Legitimately,
they pass out cookies
when they break fast on Ramadan,
which as a pothead...
...what a way to learn
about a holiday.
So we live in the
front of the building
and we don't have bars
on our windows
'cause our landlord
hates us,
and one of our windows jams
'cause the wood is warped.
So last summer
I got the window open,
got a nice breeze,
got very high,
then I'm running very late.
They're probably connected.
But I was definitely
more late than I was high.
Like, I was late to the point
where I'm like, you know,
you pick up your keys
and then you drop them,
and then you accidentally
kick them under the couch.
And then you're like,
"Let the fucking world burn."
So I'm like that kind of late,
and then I go
to shut the window,
can't shut the window.
Fucking pushing on it.
I'm high enough that I'm like,
"Did I forget how
to shut a window?"
And I'm pushing on
this window, not moving.
As I'm working the window,
a woman in a full burka
comes out of the mosque,
with maybe, like,
a three-year-old boy
at her side.
And she's walking in front
of my apartment,
and right as she gets
to the front,
her and I lock eyes,
and right as we do
the window just slams shut.
And I just go, "No, no!"
And she grabs
her son like, "Aah!"
That fucked me up
for three months.
Three months.
Three months,
I keep thinking
about this little boy
who's gonna grow up
to be the most famous
person of all time,
and he's gonna be like,
"One day when I was a child,
"my mother and I
were leaving the mosque
"when a white man
with red eyes
slammed his window
and yelled, 'No!'"
That's not what happened,
I was fucking late.
Just yelling at a biography,
"I'm sorry!"
I'm always paranoid.
I live in a constant state
of paranoia.
I'm a hypochondriac.
I'm a massive hypochondriac.
This week alone
I've battled throat cancer,
AIDS,
and a neurological disease
to be named after me when I die.
That almost sounded bullying.
That was like...
You're like, "Ha-ha-ha,
you're gonna die."
No...
I was just watching
TV on Tuesday
and my hand fucking
jumped and I was like,
"Well, that's it.
"It's the beginning of the end.
I should probably Google
'right-to-die states.'"
Yeah, but I've been
a hypochondriac
for, like, about 20 years,
and several times
throughout those years
I've had thoughts of suicide,
and then immediately
I'm like, "Dude,
you can't be both.
You can't be
a suicidal hypochondriac."
Just walking around like,
"I'm gonna fucking end it!
"But I also have this pain.
"It only goes right to left
and never left to right,
"usually when I'm sitting.
I'm gonna figure that out,
then it's fucking curtains!"
Also shout-out to the guy
that loves suicide.
What a-- what a fucking
limited fanbase.
He's like,
"I fucking love suicide."
"Goddammit, our numbers
keep dropping.
It turns out these people
that love it, fucking do it."
I think you should joke around
about everything in your life.
I think you should
joke around about the stuff
that actually legitimately
makes you sad.
My grandmother's 92 years old,
she's my favorite person
on the planet.
I love her more than anybody.
She lives in San Francisco,
I live in New York.
I worry about this woman
daily, if not hourly.
Now, do I have a joke
about murdering her?
Yeah.
I think it's weird
if you don't think about
killing your older
family members.
They have soft bones,
they're easily tricked.
They have stuff
that's almost yours.
One slip in the shower,
you get a piano.
That's a fucking deal.
Whenever I visit my grandma
I pull up her bath mat like...
"About to get me a Steinway."
Just get that shower gel
out like...
For those of you
not laughing at that joke,
I told my grandma that joke
and she laughed,
and then she goes,
"You're not getting the piano."
Yeah.
"Fucking sweet burn, Nana.
Sweet ass burn."
No, man, she's my
only family member left
on my dad's side.
I'm her only grandchild,
so every year for Thanksgiving
it's just the two of us.
Just sit there and eat.
I know, it's pretty sad.
It's pretty fucking bleak
just eating turkey
and staring at each other like
we're two old settlers.
"How's your bird?"
"Dry.
It's a dry bird."
No, last year was
the first year it actually
kind of got sad.
I was visiting her,
I was sitting on the couch.
We were having a conversation.
I got up to get
a glass of water.
Right when I get
to the kitchen,
from the couch
I hear my grandmother just go,
"Dan? What's gluten?"
You sweet angel.
I think it's time
for you to cross over.
Dude, I'm not fucking
telling her what gluten is.
Are you crazy?
That woman was born in 1927
in Muskogee, Oklahoma,
then was forced to move
to San Francisco
because of the Dust Bowl.
She's a fucking
Steinbeck character.
You want me to tell her
what a food allergy is?
Do you know how disrespectful
that would look?
This woman waited
in a bread line
until she was nine,
and you want me
to be like, "Nana...
"now we have
so much bread...
"in such abundance,
"that certain
little kids eat it
and their tummies get itchy."
I'd rather walk over
to that couch
and put my hand
over her mouth like,
"Just go, Nana. Just go.
"Gluten is German for goodbye.
"Fucking die.
Just fucking die." Yeah.
Also there's no way
I could kill her like that.
If I even went for that,
she would just bend
my wrist and be like,
"I'm from a time when
men hit women like men."
"Oh, goddammit,
70 years of crosswords
has given you
a falcon-like grip."
'Cause she's tough as shit.
My grandma is tough
as hell, 92 years old,
loves boxing.
Sweet and unsettling.
I called her during
the Triple G, Canelo rematch.
I didn't know the fight
was going on,
and she just picked up
and went,
"I'm watching the fight!"
And hung up.
Is there a gambling problem
I don't know about?
No, I love boxing, though.
I do love boxing.
Strawweights are my favorite.
Those are the best.
Those are, like, the
90, 100-pound guys.
They just beat the shit
out of each other,
but they're so little.
The little hands can't
knock each other out.
It's like watching
squirrels fight.
It's the fucking best,
I fucking love it.
I love it.
My favorite's when they
have translators in the ring
after the fight to
interview the tiny men.
Does not matter
the nationality.
They'll get in there like,
"You had him in trouble
in the seventh round.
When did you think
the fight might be over?"
And then the translator
steps in and he's like,
"My hands are
weapons from God.
I destroy everything I touch."
You're like, "That's what
that little-assed voice
is saying?"
"His family is lucky
I let him leave alive.
I am the angel of death,
all praise be to Jesus Christ."
I love professional wrestling,
love professional wrestling.
Get a lot of shit talked
to me because of it.
A lot of people comfortable
calling me a fucking idiot.
They find out you like
wrestling and they're like,
"You're 36.
You're a fucking idiot."
But I don't think so,
I just like something
you don't like.
I like being a wrestling fan.
I think I look
at the world different.
Politics, mostly wrestling.
Donald Trump Ric Flair'ed
his way into the White House,
and no one but wrestling fans
saw what was happening.
Everyone's like,
"What is he doing?"
"I think he's going full
Horseman Flair right now."
We've got to get a good
Dusty Rhodes in there.
Get someone for the people.
Yeah, I watched that--
watched that
Leaving Neverland documentary.
Tough watch, tough watch.
I thought it was weird though
that that documentary came out,
and then immediately after it
came out there's a small group
of people that were like,
"There is no way that happened."
Like, "No way
that happened?"
I don't know, dude.
As a guy that grew up
a wrestling fan without a dad
and desperately
wants to be liked,
I watched that entire
documentary like,
"Hulk Hogan could've
had this ass."
I mean, I was like 10 years,
I was prime for the picking.
Are you kidding me?
If he would've came through
Denver and been like,
"What's your name,
little brother?"
I would've tore off my jeans
like one of his shirts.
"Get in there Hulkster,
drop the leg!
"What you gonna do,
Hulk Hogan,
when Dan Soder
doesn't tell on you?"
Don't get weird.
You can enjoy the joke.
You can laugh.
I'm the victim in the joke.
I am the willing victim,
the little power bottom
that would've had front-row
tickets to WrestleMania IX.
That's right
before he jumped to WCW,
learn your history.
No, I mean, it was only--
I always want to apologize
to my mom after that joke.
I feel like my mom
worked way too hard
for me to go
around the world, like,
"I would let
Hulk Hogan buttfuck me."
"That's not why
I tried so hard, Daniel."
My mom just
turned 71 years old.
I went out to visit her
for her birthday.
- It was great, man.
- Yeah, one person.
Yeah, dude.
It was weird,
I went to celebrate
my mom's birthday
and then I told
one of my friends
you know, she turned 71
and he was like,
"Oh, she's getting up there."
I don't think that's old.
I don't think 71--
I do not think 71
is old in 2019.
I think it's old enough
that you know for a fact
she didn't know
what the Internet was
for, like, five years.
Everyone over 60
just got blindsided
when the Internet dropped.
I'm talking about
that's over 60 now.
Like, the Internet came out
and they're like,
"What the fuck?"
They're still catching up.
They're like, "I have an iPad."
You're like,
"All right, nice try."
My mom is like,
"My phone connects
to my laptop."
It's like,
"It's fucking supposed to.
It's supposed to do that."
The Internet came out
when I was 13 years old.
That's when it
came into my life,
the perfect age,
the perfect age.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Thirteen years old,
I was born at the crosshairs
of the Internet and puberty.
Legitimately for the first
three months of the Internet,
I thought I manifested it...
...with my horny
13-year-old brain.
I was, "All the boobs
in the world into one box!"
Then my mom came home from
Circuit City and she's like,
"I've got a computer and
it's got America Online on it."
I was like, "Ooh,
dog will hunt."
Young millennials
might not remember,
but the Internet used
to come in the mail.
Like, that's how
you got the Internet.
Like, I remember my mom
holding up a CD being, like,
"What am I gonna do with
500 hours of America Online?"
And you're like,
"Let me see that real quick."
13-year-old me was like,
"Yeah, yeah, yeah,
right here. Come on.
Going through
some real changes, lady."
If you learned
how to masturbate
during the dial-up age,
you have a doctorate
in patience.
'Cause they'd be like,
"You know there's naked
people on there?"
And like, "Where?"
And it's like...
And you're like, "Oh, oh!"
"You've got mail."
"Go, go, go, go, go."
If you whisper,
"You've got mail" into my ear,
I will come fast.
I'm Pavlovian trained.
If you're like,
"You've got mail."
I'm like, "Fuck, I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry
I've got so much mail."
I remember my mom--
I remember I was at home alone,
my mom was at work.
I was home alone, got bored,
you know, got horny,
got greedy,
as most
horny men tend to get.
And I remember being like,
"Why am I dealing
with this dial-up bullshit?
"Why don't I go online,
print a picture out?
I can J-O to this thing
until I'm 30."
I remember having
that idea and being like,
"Am I the smartest
little boy of all time?"
It's like, "I'm on some
Doogie Howser shit right now."
I still remember
the picture to this day,
that's how much time I put in.
I still remember it.
It was a beautiful naked woman.
She was standing outside,
very happy to be outside.
She was smiling ear to ear
and she was pouring
a giant jug of milk on her body.
Don't fucking judge me!
I know a judgment silence
when I hear one. You guys are--
Worst case scenario
I got a milk fetish,
worst case scenario.
If that is the case, guess
who's got some strong-ass bones.
This calcium-filled weirdo.
But I saw that picture,
I was like,
"I love this woman. Print."
It was 1996.
I was raised by a single mom
on a real tight budget
so our printer wasn't the best.
It was one of those
printers where you hit Print,
it's like...
And then it'd hit that
blank spot and be like...
I didn't give a fuck.
I was standing over it like,
"Yes, come to life,
my queen!"
Then I heard the noise
that no 13-year-old boy
with a boner wants to hear,
that garage door open up.
Yeah, 'cause
you don't hear it at first.
And then it's like...
you're like,
"Fuck! Abort! Abort!"
I turned off the computer,
rip the paper
out of the printer
like a fucking
government document,
turned off the power strip
and ran downstairs
with awkward
13-year-old-with-a-boner energy.
I didn't know how
to hold it, you know?
Like, now I'm in my 30s,
I know you put it
in your pant lining
and you walk around
like you played football
in the '70s.
You're just like,
"Ow, ow, ow, ow."
But 13, I was
just like, "Fuck."
My mom immediately
walks in and she's like,
"What's up?
Why are you being weird?"
I was like this,
"I learned a lot
in school today."
That was it, you know?
My mom hung out.
About 10 minutes later,
out of nowhere,
my mom makes herself
a drink and she's like,
"All right, I'm gonna
go play Tetris."
Thought nothing of it.
I was like, "Go get 'em, Trish.
Line that shit up."
Yeah, all I hear
is my mom walk into the room
with the computer.
I hear her put her drink down,
then I just hear
the click of the power strip,
then I hear...
I'm like, "No, I killed you!
You're dead!"
It's like...
I'm downstairs having
a full-on fucking meltdown.
I'm like, "I can't
live here anymore.
This lady knows what I'm into."
My mom comes downstairs furious,
holding a picture
of a naked woman
dumping milk all over herself,
no forehead, gone.
It's clean off.
She just shows me the picture
and she just goes,
"What the fuck is this?"
It's '96, Internet is
maybe three years old.
She showed me that picture,
I was like...
"I think you got a virus."
That's it.
That's all it took.
It's all it took,
there wasn't one
follow-up question.
My mom was like,
"I'm gonna call
Circuit City."
I was like, "Yeah,
those fucking perverts!"
Guess who dug that picture up
out of the trash an hour later
like a horny little raccoon?
First time I ever told
that story, I was in Denver
and I didn't know
my mom was in the crowd.
And the next day
we got lunch and she was like,
"You know, I remember that."
And I was like, "What?
How do you remember that?"
And she's like,
"You don't forget when
you come home from work,
"and the son
you're raising by yourself
is printing out pornography."
I was like, "Yeah,
but, you know,
I told you it was a virus
and you believed it."
And she was like, "Yeah,
and I let you believe
that I believed it."
Which blew me away.
I was like, "Why didn't
you just yell at me?
Why didn't you, you know?
Why didn't I get in trouble?"
And she's like,
"Do you think
I'm gonna yell at a boy
"printing out pornography
when I'm raising you
"without a fatherly figure?
You're gonna end up
choking hookers in your 30s."
That's when I realized
how great of a mom I had.
She let me think
I outsmarted her.
But it also makes sense
why every night before dinner
my mom was always like,
"Let me guess, you want milk?"
You guys were a lot of fun.
Thank you very much.
Thanks a lot.
God bless. See you later, guys.
Thank you.
Dan: Thank you!
♪ Just live till you die ♪
♪ I wanna drown ♪
♪ With nowhere to fall ♪
♪ Into the arms of someone ♪
♪ There's nothin'
to say that I know ♪
♪ You live till you die ♪
♪ Live till you die,
I know ♪
♪ Live till you die,
I know ♪
♪ Live till you die,
I know ♪
♪ Live till you die ♪
♪ Live till you die,
I know ♪
♪ Live till you die ♪
Okay, boys and girls.
Let's keep our eyes
on the prize.
Fly safe, fly true.
Set your phasers to "fun".
Hey, Captain!
-They are so great.
-No, they're really not.
♪
Oh, Mr. Judd. You're here!
Good job. I like to see folk
take pride in their work,
even if some might call that
work menial. Not me, though.
We consider passengers
as equals.
Hi.
This is not good!
♪
Let's-- Let's all
take a second here.
-They'll figure this out.
-Who's the engineer here?
-Who's the genius?
-Who's the captain?
Who fucked up?
-What the hell's going on?
-Should we be scared?
This is a safe space,
emotionally.
Physically, we're obviously
in terrible danger.
Everybody, stay calm!
Hey, you're not, uh, getting
into some escape pod, are you?
Ma'am, if I had an escape pod,
I would put you in it.
Set the fucking thing on fire.
♪
♪
Announcer:
Ladies and gentlemen,
Dan Soder!
Yeah.
Yay!
How the hell are ya?
Wha? Ah!
All right.
All right.
Thank you. All right.
That-- that's--
It was believable to a point.
But then you're like,
you don't even know.
You don't know
how this is gonna go.
This could suck!
You could leave
and you'd be like,
"Why the fuck
did I clap in the beginning?
That guy stinks at comedy!"
I don't know.
I don't know anything.
I'm a dumb person.
I've learned
you're not allowed
to call yourself dumb
on the Internet
without a stranger
arguing with you.
That's how fucking
broken the Internet is.
If you go online,
you're like, "I'm an idiot!"
Someone you've never met
will be like, "Don't say that."
"You don't know that."
It's the only thing
I actually know.
I'm 36 years old.
I just learned,
this summer, from a doctor,
I'm no longer allowed to eat,
then go to sleep.
What kind of horseshit
world are we living in?
Dude, my favorite thing
in the world is to eat,
then go directly to sleep.
I'll eat laying down
if it speeds up the process.
Have you ever had a huge meal
then gone right to sleep?
You sleep so fuckin' deep.
You touch the bottom
of the pool every time.
Whenever I meet someone
that's like, "I have insomnia,"
I'm like, "You're not
eating late enough."
Just...
eat as your eyes
are shutting,
you're gonna go down
like a goddamn grizzly bear.
You are gonna wake up
with the heartburn
of a 20-year
homicide detective...
...getting chewed up
by cold cases.
Like, "All those bodies
and no names!"
"Those are someone's
children, Diane!?
Yeah, sometimes--
I'm glad you guys liked that
'cause there's been
some audiences that are like,
"Is that a fake detective
with PTSD?"
What are you mad about?
It's a made-up person.
He's never seen real shit.
I should tell you
at the top of this,
I am, uh, I am 20% white trash,
so it should explain
everything else.
It's not a--
Twenty percent white trash
isn't enough to hurt you.
It's not, it just means
I like multiple flavors
of Mountain Dew...
...and I have bet and lost money
on the X-Games.
I had a snowmobile parlay
that fucked me.
No, I grew up in Colorado
and I was always like,
"Oh, our, uh, our white trash
doesn't have accents
'cause we don't have accents."
And then I watched the X-Games
and I was like,
"There it is. There it is."
Just every athlete that's like,
"Hey, what's up?
I want to give a shout-out
to my sponsors."
Like, "Fuck, it's every kid
I went to middle school
with in Aurora."
"Just want to say
what's up to Fox Racing,
"Hefty Garbage Bags,
KY Jelly."
"How the fuck are those
your sponsors?"
Yeah.
I'm a-- I'm a guaranteed weirdo
'cause I'm an only child.
Um... I was--
I was raised by a single mom,
so I was alone a lot,
and my dad picked
the bottle over me,
so comedian.
That's the recipe.
Just add water.
Or, in my dad's case, Bacardi,
and then he fucks off.
Yeah! You guys
don't think I'm up here
'cause shit
went well, do you?
You think that's why
I'm onstage nightly,
begging for the
affection of strangers...
...'cause I had
a good childhood?
If I had a good childhood,
I wouldn't be a comedian.
I'd just be the
funniest guy that works
at Enterprise Rental Car.
Don't-- Don't
act like I wouldn't.
I would fucking
crush on the lot.
I'd be upgrading you
from a standard to a full size.
Yeah, I was just a weird kid.
I was just a strange--
I talked to myself a lot.
Loved action figures.
Loved action figures,
until I was 12.
It's... pretty old.
It's kind of old to play
with boy dolls.
Also at 12 years old,
because I'm 20% white trash,
I started smoking cigarettes.
Do you know how hilarious
of an overlap that is?
I would--
I would play with my GI Joes
in earnest for 30 minutes,
and then go outside
and fire up a Marlboro Red.
Just like...
"I think Cobra's
got the high ground."
"We lost a Ninja Turtle
to a lawnmower last week.
War is hell."
Some little girl
in my neighborhood
walks up with a cigarette,
she's like, "You got a light?
Ken and Barbie
aren't doing so hot."
"We had to put a Pound Puppy
down last week."
I'm kidding, I would never
hurt a dog. I love dogs.
I get excited every time--
Every single time
I see a dog, I get excited,
even when I have weed
on me at the airport.
It's a complicated
relationship.
Remember you got that
bag of weed in your pocket,
and you turn the corner,
and you're like,
"You a good boy
or a bad boy?"
That dog's like...
Gets close to you,
you're like, "Fuck,
please be cool. Fuck!"
There's always one person
there to be like,
"Those dogs actually
sniff for bombs,"
and you're like,
"Ah, well, in that case,
thank you for your service."
"I've always really
respected Labradors.
I find you to be
a great breed."
I feel bad for the guys that
hold those dogs at the airport.
Always the bridesmaid,
never the bride.
I bet there's a bunch
of shit they want to smell.
Dude, that's--
I think that's hilarious
that they signed up to be like,
"I want to protect people
that are traveling.
How do you
want me to do that?"
And someone was like,
"Fucking hold this dog."
"But make sure
you scream at every child
that tries to touch it."
See, that's the best part
of consistently traveling
is watching little kids
learn to hate authority
'cause they've tried
to pet the security dog.
They're walking through,
and they're like, "Doggy!"
Some cop's like,
"Don't touch the dog!"
Some five-year-old's like,
"Man, fuck the police.
This fucking pig, stopping me
from touching a doggy."
I travel, uh,
I travel, on average about 25,
30 weeks a year doing this.
That's a lot of airports.
That's a lot of
other people's children.
I hear a lot of screaming babies
for a guy that comes
in the right places.
Fucking farm to bag!
I don't get mad
at screaming babies.
I'm not a monster.
I think you're a dick
if you get mad
at a screaming baby
on an airplane.
I know what's going on,
that kid can't talk.
Its ears hurt
so it's just gonna scream.
I think you're a dick
if you get mad at the parents
of a screaming baby
on an airplane.
Have you seen the parents
of a screaming baby
on an airplane?
They are not into it!
They're not like, "Yeah,
this guy fucking yells, huh?
"You guys want to see
something cool?
"Sometimes I push
real deep on his stomach
and he goes fucking nuts."
It's the only way to fly...
a child losing its shit.
I've gotten on flights though,
and I've seen people that
don't have screaming babies,
you know, they're just
on the flight and they go
right to that gate agent,
and they're like,
"I'm a Sky Miles member
and I was..."
Like, you're a piece of shit!
You're an active piece of shit.
But that's what happened.
That's what Yelp did to us.
Just turned us into
a generation of snitches.
It's true, man, we love
to tell on each other.
Like, "He did that."
For what? For what?
For your benefit?
Dude, the customer
service generation
has ruined the American dream.
Sincerely, like that
old American dream.
You know, that one
that's like...
"I'm gonna work hard,
save up my money,
and give my kids a better life."
That shit's gone!
The new American dream is like,
"I spent a
little bit of money...
"on a product.
"If anything... goes wrong,
I'm gonna fucking
uncork on someone."
Yeah!
You know how dogs, uh,
pre-bark before they bark?
If you have a dog,
you know what I'm talking about.
Like, dogs can hear...
They can hear people
walk up to the door.
So, before those people
hit the doorbell,
the dogs will be asleep
and they'll be like, "Bark."
And then-- and then, you know.
And then the doorbell goes,
like...
America's in a constant
pre-bark bark.
That's where
we're at right now.
Trust me, dude, I know.
I was a really shitty
waiter for six years,
real bad.
Trust-- However bad you think,
much worse.
Straight up used to
forget people existed.
I was a terrible waiter.
But I always knew
I wasn't actually in trouble
if someone asked
to speak to the manager,
'cause I knew
the problem wasn't real.
It was always, like,
they found a hair in their food.
And those people want
a very specific reaction.
When they find that hair,
they want you,
as their waiter, to be like,
"I'm sorry!
"I fucking suck!
I'm gonna smash my dick
with a hammer!"
They're all, "Yes, yes!
I'm the customer!"
Fucking-- they love that.
I never gave 'em that. Ever!
- Whenever they find a hair in their food, I'd be like...
- "Cool!"
They do not like that.
They don't like
when you do that.
Be like, "Keep going!
You might find another one!"
One time, this lady showed me
a hair, and she goes,
"Whose hair is this?!"
It's like, "The fucking guy
making it!
"What do you want, lady?!
What's your endgame?
You want a kitchen
full of hairless people?"
Do you have any fucking clue
how terrifying that would be?
If you walked in a kitchen
and they had no head,
or eyebrow hair.
Like, "It's almost ready!"
Like, "What is? What are you
fucking serpent people making?"
You want a kitchen
full of Voldemorts.
You're cool with that.
Dude, I love that
you're laughing,
but your laugh could
also border on bully,
in such a way...
Like, I know it's supportive,
but I am insecure enough,
that if it did--
if a couple of jokes
didn't hit the way I wanted,
I'd be like, "Are you--
what the fuck you
laughing at?"
Just go full Aurora!
Like, "What's up, bro?
You wanna fucking die tonight?"
I don't get mad
at screaming babies.
Just solve the problem yourself,
be an adult.
Be an adult.
Pick the hair out of your food,
fucking move forward.
The second I hear
a screaming baby on an airplane,
I don't get mad. I don't.
Second I hear that kid,
like...
I just shut my eyes,
and pretend the baby is
the lead singer of an EMO band.
You can't get mad at that.
"Waaah!" and then pretend
he has bangs over his face.
♪ I'm flying and I'm scared ♪
♪ And whoa, so, waaaah ♪
And I'm laughing
at a screaming baby,
looking like a psycho.
I'm like, "It's gonna
be a good flight.
"The kid's really going
through some stuff.
He understands pain."
I feel like I should be honest.
I did lie.
I have been mad about
one screaming baby
on an airplane.
Uh, it was a four-hour flight,
and the kid screamed
takeoff to touchdown.
Which, halfway through,
you're like,
"This is just impressive."
The lung capacity on this thing.
It's the second most
impressive thing I've ever seen.
One time I was on a
cross-country flight,
and I took a heavy edible.
And I heard two different
screaming babies harmonize.
I don't even know
if it was the edible,
or if I just made that up,
but I was-- I was
honored to be there.
But this flight,
this four-hour flight,
this kid wouldn't stop.
It was like, "Aaaaah!"
And then as we landed,
you just heard the kid go,
"Aaah! Mom?"
It's like, "Motherfucker!
You can talk?!"
"Now we got a problem!
Now we got a real problem!"
I just--
Waiting at the end
of a jetway for a baby.
Just like...:
"What's up, dude?
"What's up? You fucking 16B?
"You're a noisy boy!
Fuck! What's up, dude?"
I don't have kids.
Don't worry.
I do-- I do not have children.
Uh, not sure if I'm gonna.
I might just keep
shooting my gun in the dirt.
Yeah! Uh, there's been times
where I feel like I'd be
a phenomenal father.
There's been a couple of times
where I'm like,
"I'd be a really good dad."
One time, I brought
edibles home from
Colorado to New York.
And my roommate couldn't sleep.
I told him to eat late.
He didn't listen.
But he's like, "I know
you have those edibles.
Can I eat one
of those edibles?
It might help me sleep."
I was like, "Better,
I'll eat one with you.
I'm a good roommate."
So, he ate his edible
and went to sleep.
I ate my edible
and played video games.
Like a man who lives
with a roommate.
Very on-brand.
I got-- I got through
one quarter of a game
of NBA 2K,
and then I felt the warmth
in my stomach.
You know when
you feel that edible warmth,
and you're like, "Oh!
"There's a storm coming!"
Every weed edible's
the exact same.
You eat it, and then
30 minutes later,
you go, "That didn't do shit!"
And then the edible's like,
"What the fuck did you say?!"
Like the edible
was gonna leave
but it came back in,
"What did they guy say?
What did he say?!
"I don't do shit?
Here's every fear you've had
since you're nine!"
Oh, fuck, oh!
I forgot I don't like
the smell of fresh glue!
So, that's where I'm at!
I'm about to get launched.
And I'm like,
"If I'm going through this..."
Then I look over
to my roommate's bedroom,
his door-- wide open!
He's standing in the doorway,
in just his boxers,
holding a gallon of water.
And right as we make
eye contact, he just goes,
"I think you gave me too much."
It was--
It's the only time in my life
I've ever felt like a dad!
I was like, "Hey, buddy!
Can you not handle your shit?"
"Let's put you on the couch.
Get on some Family Guys ."
I, actually, did a bunch of
shows in Canada this summer,
and I learned that Canada,
as a country,
legalized marijuana completely
across the board.
But they weren't
allowed to have edibles
till December of 2019,
because, in Colorado,
when it went legal in 2014,
a bunch of little kids
ate edibles,
and got cool as fuck!
They were immediately
skateboarding to school.
They called their parents
by their first names.
No, I mean, that's got
to be fucked up.
You're six years old
and you just knock back
three gummy bears
and then 25 minutes later
you're like...
You're starting to sweat like,
"I'm starting to think
Santa's not real.
"Uh, I got first grade right
around the corner. Fuck it.
They're bending
letters into each other."
Yeah.
I do drugs. I'm fun.
I'm a fun, fun guy.
Thank you!
I, uh, I don't--
I don't do coke.
I'm not obnoxious.
Sorry, sorry, not gonna
corner you at a house party
and try to start
a business with you.
It's just fun to see
who's been trapped, by a small--
yeah, with a guy that's like,
"Dude, I'll get us
a website by Monday."
"You know the people,
I know the places.
"We got to fucking hang out.
We got to fucking
hang out way more."
No, I don't like--
I don't like the drugs that
make you take your shirt off.
I don't have
the torso for it.
I like the drugs that make you
wonder why we wear shirts.
The kind, you lay,
and you're like,
"What is a shirt?
Are we shirts for our souls?"
I do mushrooms, I probably
shouldn't have just said that.
I like to, yeah,
I like to do mushrooms.
Yeah. I agree.
I agree,
till I've eaten too many,
then I don't agree.
I eat too many,
I don't like anything...
existence, gravity.
Got a real problem with mirrors.
It's just fun to see who laughs
'cause you know that
they've stared in a mirror
and been like, "Fuck!"
Yeah, last-- two summers ago
I went to a music festival,
and took 3.7 grams of mushrooms.
- Yeah, that's what
I love about drug math.
It fucking gets that
honesty out of people.
That was great.
Doesn't get laughs,
but you-- you know.
I said 3.7 grams,
you know, everyone that
didn't do mushrooms
in the room's like,
"That's not even enough
for a casserole."
They just heard
a bunch of, like,
"Oh, fuck, oh, God.
So you're, like,
a different guy now."
Yeah, don't do that
at a music festival.
A lot of conflicting energies.
I ended up losing
my shit in a field.
I learned a lot.
I learned a whole lot.
Mostly I learned that
electronic dance music
is the devil's music.
You know how, like,
since the '50s, they're like,
"Rock and roll
is the devil's music.
Rap's the devil."
No, those have soul.
EDM is just robots
tricking you into dancing.
"Boop-boop-boop-boop
Boop-boop.
Let the beat drop."
That's Satan.
Who do you think that is?
It's the fucking devil
sealing us up.
No, I just don't--
I just don't like EDM.
I've never heard
an EDM song I like.
It all sounds like it's based
on an alarm clock.
Every single one's like,
"Ca-ca-ca-ca-ca."
You're like, "Oh, fuck,
am I late for my nine o'clock?
No, that's just
the latest single from
a Swedish teenager."
I don't know, Scandinavia
is just pumping out EDM DJs.
You can like EDM,
I don't have to like it.
That's what music is.
You can like shit I don't like,
I can like shit you don't like.
Some people don't like music.
Do you know
those fucking psychos
are walking around?
I was at a barbecue,
and I heard a woman
in a different
conversation group just go,
"I don't like music."
What? I thought she meant,
you know, like, genre.
So I was like, "Oh, you mean,
like, country, or metal?"
She's like,
"I don't like music."
Fun.
I bet you're
a blast on a road trip.
Just an hour in, she's like,
"Turn off the radio!
"I want to hear the wind
whip around the cabin.
"Leave one window down
so an odd pressure builds.
I love long drives
with the feeling of
an inner ear infection."
What kind of broken monster
doesn't like music?
That's fucking strange.
My favorite thing
in the world is to get high,
take a shower,
and listen to music.
Love it.
Love it.
I do it every day.
It might be a problem,
we don't know yet.
I try to explain,
you don't have
to be just high
in the shower
letting the water hit you.
You can do stuff.
You can-- you can air drum.
You can air guitar.
You can do my personal favorite,
which is bring up a fight
with a coworker from 2004.
You guys never reheat some
15-year-old beef in the shower?
That's what shower arguments
are built for,
giving someone
you haven't seen the business.
You're just like, "Fuck you.
You're always that
fucking guy at work."
And then you give them
something to say.
You're like, "I knew you were
gonna bring that up, I knew it!"
This is how low
my self-esteem is.
I lose 50% of my
shower arguments.
I lose as many as I win.
My roommates walked
by the bathroom
and heard me
in the shower alone like,
"You know what?
It's a good point.
I apologize."
"I'm sorry.
I didn't see it
from your perspective."
Yeah, I mean, when you, uh...
when you go on the road
as a mall clown you have to...
Yeah, that's what this is.
People laugh at that,
but it's true, I'm--
I'm a mall clown.
I'm cool with it,
I love my job.
But sometimes when
you're a comedian in 2019,
you can get on Twitter
and see other comedians
that I'm friends with
and genuinely respect,
Tweet out crazy shit like,
"As an artist..."
The fuck are you
talking about?
We're a step above carnies.
Art? You think
I compete with art?
There's not a two-drink
minimum at the ballet.
I know what I am.
Most of the rooms I perform in
were originally designed
for laser tag.
It's all right,
I know what I am.
One of the parts
that sucks that I don't like
is when you're on the road
on Friday mornings,
you got to wake up super early
and you got to go
pimp yourself out
to a local radio station
to sell tickets.
You got to go make fucking
Buzz and the Scooch laugh.
Which is fun until it's not.
Then they suck and they're like,
"Hey, we're here with
Dan Soder from Trillions
and the Campfire Podcast."
Like, "It's called
the fucking Bonfire."
So I was in--
I was in Washington, DC,
and they're like,
"You got to get up
at six in the morning
for morning radio."
I was like, "Fuck that."
I got up at 5:30
in the morning,
got irresponsibly stoned,
and then took a shower
and listened to music,
'cause I'm an artist.
I was in the shower.
I was listening to
Chance the Rapper's
Coloring Book.
Great album.
There's a song on there
with Lil' Wayne
and Lil' Wayne has this verse
where he just goes,
"I got problems bigger
than these boys, oh-oh-oh."
And that noise...
...made me laugh harder
than anything
I've heard in comedy.
Dude, he gives up.
He gives up
in the middle of a song!
He's just like, "Oh-oh-oh."
Look it up, it's not a lyric.
Dude, that shit had me
laughing so fucking hard.
I just started
replicating the noise.
I was like, "Oh-oh-oh."
And then I started putting it
in different situations,
like I was surprised,
like, "Oh-oh-oh."
You know, scared like,
"Oh-oh-oh."
I did it enough that
I was laughing hard enough
that I dropped my body wash,
then when I picked up
my body wash I was like,
"Oh, shit.
This is gonna be
my new mistake noise."
Like, if I meet someone new,
you know, and I'm like,
"This is my friend Adam."
I'm like, "Adam?"
"Aaron."
"Oh-oh-oh."
So now I'm laughing harder.
I'm having a great,
great naked, wet laugh,
which surprisingly
you get very few of in life.
Most of the time
if you're naked,
you're wet,
and you're laughing,
you're a crazy person.
You just escaped something.
You're just like, "Yeah!"
Like, "He's so
fucking slippery."
So I'm in the shower.
I'm laughing very hard,
and then I just hear
a very subtle, like
"Shut the fuck up."
But I'm high enough
that I'm like,
"Maybe I'm--
Maybe I'm making that up."
So I turn--
turn the speaker off,
get back in the shower,
I hear it
very clear like,
"Shut the fuck up."
I don't think I've ever
laughed harder in my life.
I almost slipped in the tub.
That guy's day is fucking done.
5:50 in the morning
you're up slamming
on a wall yelling,
"Shut the fuck up"?
You cannot have
a good day after that.
You know how many times
that guy heard me
make that noise?
It wasn't once.
Just dead asleep
and it's like, "Oh-oh-oh."
"Shut up."
"Oh-oh-oh."
"Shut the fuck up."
"Oh-oh-oh."
"Shut the fuck up!"
That guy definitely
has a real job.
He's just tired at work later
in a conference room like,
"Hey, guys. Uh, sorry
I'm not the sharpest.
"They got me staying
next to Lil' Wayne.
This guy is full of mistakes."
Pretty sure
I'm gonna die alone.
We all are physically,
unless you grab a nurse
at the last second.
I just wanted to see
who's fun in the room.
Fuck you,
that's a fun joke.
If you could time
that out right,
that's a real fun joke.
Just second to last
breath like,
"Get over here."
Just fuck up some
orderly's Wednesday.
They're like, "Yeah,
was a good day
"till the guy in 34C fucking
headlocked me before he died.
"20 minutes, 20 minutes
in that armpit.
They had to butter
my neck to get me out."
Now, I'm 36 years old.
I'm single.
I don't believe
in dating apps,
'cause you can't
smell the other person.
Come at me with your science,
I will prove you wrong.
No, I, uh... dating in my 30s
is basically me looking back
to every single one
of my previous relationships
and being like,
"Oh, it was my fault...
the whole time.
Huh, really thought it was
someone else there
for a second."
I used to have such a bad
drinking problem in my 20s,
I would wake up on the subway
in New York and be like,
"Not a decent woman
in this town."
Fucking puke all over my jeans.
I'm like, "You cannot
find a good girl."
And now I'm like, "Oh yeah,
call's definitely coming
from inside the house."
A lot of apologies.
No, I used to, you know,
when I was in my 20s
and even in my early 30s,
used to be afraid
to tell women that I had
a fucked up childhood.
I just didn't want to tell 'em
'cause I was afraid
they were gonna run away,
and now I realize, if you had
a fucked up childhood,
you should brag about it...
'cause it means
you can endure.
And it means you're gonna be
way better at sex as an adult.
Sorry, everyone,
that's the trade-off.
Terrible childhood,
dynamite in the bedroom.
You're not gonna be
a good partner, no, no, no.
You're gonna be a
big problem for a lot of people,
but you're gonna have
some seasoning on you.
What, do you want to
fuck someone that got raised
by two loving parents?
What, do you want to make
eye contact the whole time
and stay in between
the sheets?
Gross.
I want to fuck someone
that got punched in the head
for no reason.
I want a wild card.
Best sex I ever had in my life,
I had to watch
my wallet the entire time.
I thought we were being adults,
being honest with each other.
I'm broken, I have
abandonment issues.
I go down on women
like I have abandonment issues.
I give please-don't-leave-me
head.
I'm broken,
your cum is the glue.
It's an old family motto.
I think my grandma
has it stitched on a pillow.
I think it's so weird.
I think it's so weird
you're allowed to
advertise with sex.
You're allowed to make people
feel like shit because of sex.
But the second you bring up
the psychological reasoning
for a sexual behavior,
everyone gets weird.
It's fucked up.
It's hard to meet
a sexual partner
that you match with.
Some people
like to talk dirty.
Some people don't.
Real tough to be on the
wrong end of that one.
I hooked up with a girl once,
I started talking dirty
and immediately she goes,
"Oh boy. We got a talker."
Oh, whoo, that was right
in the solar plex.
Yeah, if you ever want
to know how to shut
someone up during sex
that is the perfect way.
I promise you,
for the next four minutes
that man's gonna
breathe through his nose
like he's moving a couch
against his will.
It's a lot of through
the teeth talking.
You're like, "Fuck,
it feels very good."
No, I mean, I'm still idyllic.
You know, I'm 36,
but I'm still idyllic.
I love crushes.
Crushes are fun.
When you have a crush on someone
and you see 'em and you're like,
"Fuck."
Or they text you
and you're like, "Oh, fuck."
Or you tell them
you have a crush on them
and they're, like, not into it
and you're like, "Fuck."
Dude, revealing a crush
to someone that's not into it
has to be the creepiest
feeling in the world.
You feel like you're showing
someone a dead body
in the woods.
You're like, "Come here,
I want to show you something."
She's like, "What? What is it?"
"Come here, it's over here.
I put it under this tarp."
Like, "What?"
And you're like, "I love you!"
They're like, "No,
I thought we were friends!"
You're like, "Fuck, no.
We're just friends.
We're just friends.
"Fuck it. Totally friends.
"Fuck. Fuck, let's get out
of these woods, huh?
Let's fucking go."
I like having crushes.
They're still fun.
But I'm in my 30s,
so they're just a little
more perverted.
That's it, that's
the only difference.
When I had a crush on a girl
when I was a teenager,
I was always like,
"She's so pretty. I hope I--
I hope I get to kiss her."
Now at 36,
when I like a woman I'm like,
"Phew, I hope
I get to eat her butt.
"I'm trying to put my mouth
on her worst part
over and over again."
Which is crazy 'cause
I remember growing up,
uh, you know, little kids would
always try to tease you,
and they'd be like,
"You're a butt munch."
Remember that?
Like, "You're a butt munch."
You're like, "No, I'm not!
No, I'm not!"
Turns out those kids
nailed it, nailed it.
They knew me better
than I knew myself.
It took three decades
for my palate to develop.
I definitely--
I definitely can't, uh,
I definitely can't date a woman
that doesn't have
a dark sense of humor.
If you don't laugh
at dark humor,
I don't think
I can hang out with you
if you don't laugh
at dark humor.
If you don't laugh
at dark humor,
I think you did something,
you know?
Any time I've ever met
someone that's like,
"Don't joke about that!"
It's like, "Who did you hurt?"
If you don't laugh
at dark humor,
I'm convinced you don't laugh
at your own farts.
I don't want that for anybody.
What a tough way
to go through life,
just standing there
alone like...
How dare that air
rip out my butthole?
You know, I love farts.
Farts are the funniest
thing in the world,
any country, any language,
top dog, farts.
Biggest laugh
I ever got in my life
was 'cause of a fart.
Fifteen years old,
I was taking the PSATs.
You know exactly
what kind of chair I was in.
I was in one of those orange
public school plastic chairs,
the original fart amp.
Dude, the curvature
on those bad boys--
unbelievable.
If you had the one with
the three slits in the back,
you could play
different chords.
It's like, "Peh-peh-peh."
So my mom gets
the money together.
I go to take the PSATs.
It's on a Saturday.
They put me in a classroom
with three of my best friends.
That's their first mistake.
Second mistake was the teacher
that was proctoring the tests
was a teacher
from a different school,
so I don't know this guy.
I don't respect his smell.
I'm making my friends laugh
throughout the test.
Halfway through
the teacher just comes
and stands over my desk
and he goes,
"Young man, do you know
how to be quiet?
Q-U-I..."
Right as he gets to the E
I just look up at him
and lean a little bit
to my left, and then went...
Biggest laugh
I ever got in my life.
Legitimately thought I was
gonna get a standing ovation.
It was like a fucking
Def Jam set in there.
Then a DJ played me
out of the room.
That's not true.
They asked me to leave.
They, uh...
Yeah, you can't fart
in a teacher's face
and go right back
to your Scantron.
I definitely broke
a grown man that day.
You can't return
to a position of authority
after a teenager
has locked eyes
and farted in your face.
I heard he walked into the woods
and ended it Japanese style,
the honorable way.
No, I think you
should use dark humor
to laugh at the shit
in your own life that hurts.
I think that's the best use
for humor in general
is just make fun of the shit
in your life that sucks,
and it helps.
It doesn't solve it,
but it alleviates it.
If you make fun of the
darkest shit in your life,
I promise you,
it's just a drop of lube...
...in a buttfucking of a life.
I love doing dead dad jokes.
My dad's dead.
People with dead dads
love dead dad jokes.
You know who doesn't like
dead dad jokes, surprisingly?
People with living dads.
Greedy assholes, you're like,
"Are you talking
about my papa?"
Like, "Shut up. Shut up,
he's fucking fine."
If you have a dead parent,
you know what I'm talking about,
the second
you bring it up to someone
that doesn't have
a dead parent,
they get weird as fuck.
It's not their fault,
they just don't know
how to handle that
so they just get, like...
They end up just
launching sympathy at you
that feels way out of place.
When they find out
they're like, "No!"
You're like, "What the fuck?
What do they owe you money?
What's up?"
Like, I don't understand that.
I don't understand why
you're sad about something
that you've never...
Like, I tell people
all the time
my dad died of drinking
when I was 14,
and immediately
people are like,
"That is terrible."
You don't know him.
He was a Jimmy Buffet fan.
That's exactly what he wanted.
Cirrhosis is
the Parrot Head way out.
My dad literally wasted away
in Margaritaville.
What are you sad about?
You didn't-- He's not your dad.
I don't understand
why his alcoholism's always
supposed to be sad
when I tell people
he's an alcoholic.
They're like,
"Did he steal your food money
and spend it on his hooch?"
No, he was just fun.
I'm sorry that my dad
partied so hard
he died from it.
What's up, Gary?
I think your living dads
are a bunch of nerds.
Staying alive your whole life,
fucking geeks.
"Oh, I'm gonna be there
when you turn into a man."
Beat it, dork.
Go steal some rum,
disappear for a couple years.
Make me interesting.
I don't even know
if my dad is actually dead.
That's just some shit
my grandma told me.
You guys just got white-trash
M. Night Shyamalaned.
Fucking twisted.
No, he's dead.
He's in the dirt.
We, uh... we have
the paperwork.
Did you know there's
levels of dead dad?
I didn't know that,
like degrees of a black belt.
Like, when my dad
was alive he wasn't around,
so I was always jealous
of kids whose dads were around.
Then my dad died,
then I got jealous of kids
with better dead dads.
Dude, I've lived in New York
the last 13 years.
I have multiple friends
whose dads died
saving people in 9-11.
Top-shelf dead dad.
That is premium American hero,
dead dad.
My dad died
drinking next to a lake.
He relaxed to death.
Bottom-shelf dead dad.
Dude, my friends' dads
probably said something
heroic, you know, like,
"We need to save
those people."
My dad's last words were, like,
"I like mine
with lettuce and tomato."
"Pickles and pickle,
and cold..."
I don't even believe in death.
I think it's just another form
of consciousness.
That's how many
mushrooms I've taken.
I know, I know.
I definitely believe
in aliens, that's for sure.
It's 2019, if you don't
believe in aliens,
you're an asshole.
And you're the reason
they're not showing up.
Fucking knock it off.
Be cool,
they have a lot of stuff
we could use.
I think if you don't believe
in aliens it's for two reasons.
It's either mathematically
you don't know how large
the universe is,
or psychologically you don't
want to deal with the fact
that aliens don't want
to hang out with us.
Stings, don't it?
They're just flying right
by like, "No, fuck that shit."
Why would they?
Why would they ever want
to hang out with us?
We've never left the planet.
We went to the moon in the '60s.
We haven't stopped
sucking our own dicks since.
We went to
the edge of the driveway
and touched the mailbox.
And we're like,
"We're space travelers."
Shut up.
What happens
whenever we go
to another planet?
Whenever we launch
a fucking satellite
to another planet,
the second it touches down,
first thing, humans are like,
"Is there water here?"
What a shitty way
to show up somewhere.
If anyone walked
into your house like,
"Where's your water?
If you don't have water,
you don't have life!"
You'd be like,
"Get the fuck out of my house."
We don't know.
We're the home-schooled
kids of the universe.
That's what we are.
We've never left the planet.
We're just standing on our
lawn like, "We have puzzles."
And they're like,
"Get the fuck out of here."
My favorite people
are the people who
want to fight the aliens.
Those people are
fucking hilarious.
They're always like,
"Let them show up."
It's like, what are
you gonna do?
What are you gonna
Will Smith them?
You gonna
punch them in the face
and they're gonna fuck off?
You forget that Pokemon Go
almost took us out.
Do you remember that
smudge on humanity?
People were looking
at their phones like,
"I think there's a Pikachu."
And it's like,
Like, "Aah."
I think my fear of aliens
is that they are gonna land,
I'm gonna meet one,
say something stupid,
and then they're
gonna fuck off.
I'm always afraid that
I've said some dumb shit
and I'm not aware of it,
always.
I live in Queens.
I've lived there for 13 years.
I live next to a mosque,
best neighbors
I've ever had in my life.
Legitimately,
they pass out cookies
when they break fast on Ramadan,
which as a pothead...
...what a way to learn
about a holiday.
So we live in the
front of the building
and we don't have bars
on our windows
'cause our landlord
hates us,
and one of our windows jams
'cause the wood is warped.
So last summer
I got the window open,
got a nice breeze,
got very high,
then I'm running very late.
They're probably connected.
But I was definitely
more late than I was high.
Like, I was late to the point
where I'm like, you know,
you pick up your keys
and then you drop them,
and then you accidentally
kick them under the couch.
And then you're like,
"Let the fucking world burn."
So I'm like that kind of late,
and then I go
to shut the window,
can't shut the window.
Fucking pushing on it.
I'm high enough that I'm like,
"Did I forget how
to shut a window?"
And I'm pushing on
this window, not moving.
As I'm working the window,
a woman in a full burka
comes out of the mosque,
with maybe, like,
a three-year-old boy
at her side.
And she's walking in front
of my apartment,
and right as she gets
to the front,
her and I lock eyes,
and right as we do
the window just slams shut.
And I just go, "No, no!"
And she grabs
her son like, "Aah!"
That fucked me up
for three months.
Three months.
Three months,
I keep thinking
about this little boy
who's gonna grow up
to be the most famous
person of all time,
and he's gonna be like,
"One day when I was a child,
"my mother and I
were leaving the mosque
"when a white man
with red eyes
slammed his window
and yelled, 'No!'"
That's not what happened,
I was fucking late.
Just yelling at a biography,
"I'm sorry!"
I'm always paranoid.
I live in a constant state
of paranoia.
I'm a hypochondriac.
I'm a massive hypochondriac.
This week alone
I've battled throat cancer,
AIDS,
and a neurological disease
to be named after me when I die.
That almost sounded bullying.
That was like...
You're like, "Ha-ha-ha,
you're gonna die."
No...
I was just watching
TV on Tuesday
and my hand fucking
jumped and I was like,
"Well, that's it.
"It's the beginning of the end.
I should probably Google
'right-to-die states.'"
Yeah, but I've been
a hypochondriac
for, like, about 20 years,
and several times
throughout those years
I've had thoughts of suicide,
and then immediately
I'm like, "Dude,
you can't be both.
You can't be
a suicidal hypochondriac."
Just walking around like,
"I'm gonna fucking end it!
"But I also have this pain.
"It only goes right to left
and never left to right,
"usually when I'm sitting.
I'm gonna figure that out,
then it's fucking curtains!"
Also shout-out to the guy
that loves suicide.
What a-- what a fucking
limited fanbase.
He's like,
"I fucking love suicide."
"Goddammit, our numbers
keep dropping.
It turns out these people
that love it, fucking do it."
I think you should joke around
about everything in your life.
I think you should
joke around about the stuff
that actually legitimately
makes you sad.
My grandmother's 92 years old,
she's my favorite person
on the planet.
I love her more than anybody.
She lives in San Francisco,
I live in New York.
I worry about this woman
daily, if not hourly.
Now, do I have a joke
about murdering her?
Yeah.
I think it's weird
if you don't think about
killing your older
family members.
They have soft bones,
they're easily tricked.
They have stuff
that's almost yours.
One slip in the shower,
you get a piano.
That's a fucking deal.
Whenever I visit my grandma
I pull up her bath mat like...
"About to get me a Steinway."
Just get that shower gel
out like...
For those of you
not laughing at that joke,
I told my grandma that joke
and she laughed,
and then she goes,
"You're not getting the piano."
Yeah.
"Fucking sweet burn, Nana.
Sweet ass burn."
No, man, she's my
only family member left
on my dad's side.
I'm her only grandchild,
so every year for Thanksgiving
it's just the two of us.
Just sit there and eat.
I know, it's pretty sad.
It's pretty fucking bleak
just eating turkey
and staring at each other like
we're two old settlers.
"How's your bird?"
"Dry.
It's a dry bird."
No, last year was
the first year it actually
kind of got sad.
I was visiting her,
I was sitting on the couch.
We were having a conversation.
I got up to get
a glass of water.
Right when I get
to the kitchen,
from the couch
I hear my grandmother just go,
"Dan? What's gluten?"
You sweet angel.
I think it's time
for you to cross over.
Dude, I'm not fucking
telling her what gluten is.
Are you crazy?
That woman was born in 1927
in Muskogee, Oklahoma,
then was forced to move
to San Francisco
because of the Dust Bowl.
She's a fucking
Steinbeck character.
You want me to tell her
what a food allergy is?
Do you know how disrespectful
that would look?
This woman waited
in a bread line
until she was nine,
and you want me
to be like, "Nana...
"now we have
so much bread...
"in such abundance,
"that certain
little kids eat it
and their tummies get itchy."
I'd rather walk over
to that couch
and put my hand
over her mouth like,
"Just go, Nana. Just go.
"Gluten is German for goodbye.
"Fucking die.
Just fucking die." Yeah.
Also there's no way
I could kill her like that.
If I even went for that,
she would just bend
my wrist and be like,
"I'm from a time when
men hit women like men."
"Oh, goddammit,
70 years of crosswords
has given you
a falcon-like grip."
'Cause she's tough as shit.
My grandma is tough
as hell, 92 years old,
loves boxing.
Sweet and unsettling.
I called her during
the Triple G, Canelo rematch.
I didn't know the fight
was going on,
and she just picked up
and went,
"I'm watching the fight!"
And hung up.
Is there a gambling problem
I don't know about?
No, I love boxing, though.
I do love boxing.
Strawweights are my favorite.
Those are the best.
Those are, like, the
90, 100-pound guys.
They just beat the shit
out of each other,
but they're so little.
The little hands can't
knock each other out.
It's like watching
squirrels fight.
It's the fucking best,
I fucking love it.
I love it.
My favorite's when they
have translators in the ring
after the fight to
interview the tiny men.
Does not matter
the nationality.
They'll get in there like,
"You had him in trouble
in the seventh round.
When did you think
the fight might be over?"
And then the translator
steps in and he's like,
"My hands are
weapons from God.
I destroy everything I touch."
You're like, "That's what
that little-assed voice
is saying?"
"His family is lucky
I let him leave alive.
I am the angel of death,
all praise be to Jesus Christ."
I love professional wrestling,
love professional wrestling.
Get a lot of shit talked
to me because of it.
A lot of people comfortable
calling me a fucking idiot.
They find out you like
wrestling and they're like,
"You're 36.
You're a fucking idiot."
But I don't think so,
I just like something
you don't like.
I like being a wrestling fan.
I think I look
at the world different.
Politics, mostly wrestling.
Donald Trump Ric Flair'ed
his way into the White House,
and no one but wrestling fans
saw what was happening.
Everyone's like,
"What is he doing?"
"I think he's going full
Horseman Flair right now."
We've got to get a good
Dusty Rhodes in there.
Get someone for the people.
Yeah, I watched that--
watched that
Leaving Neverland documentary.
Tough watch, tough watch.
I thought it was weird though
that that documentary came out,
and then immediately after it
came out there's a small group
of people that were like,
"There is no way that happened."
Like, "No way
that happened?"
I don't know, dude.
As a guy that grew up
a wrestling fan without a dad
and desperately
wants to be liked,
I watched that entire
documentary like,
"Hulk Hogan could've
had this ass."
I mean, I was like 10 years,
I was prime for the picking.
Are you kidding me?
If he would've came through
Denver and been like,
"What's your name,
little brother?"
I would've tore off my jeans
like one of his shirts.
"Get in there Hulkster,
drop the leg!
"What you gonna do,
Hulk Hogan,
when Dan Soder
doesn't tell on you?"
Don't get weird.
You can enjoy the joke.
You can laugh.
I'm the victim in the joke.
I am the willing victim,
the little power bottom
that would've had front-row
tickets to WrestleMania IX.
That's right
before he jumped to WCW,
learn your history.
No, I mean, it was only--
I always want to apologize
to my mom after that joke.
I feel like my mom
worked way too hard
for me to go
around the world, like,
"I would let
Hulk Hogan buttfuck me."
"That's not why
I tried so hard, Daniel."
My mom just
turned 71 years old.
I went out to visit her
for her birthday.
- It was great, man.
- Yeah, one person.
Yeah, dude.
It was weird,
I went to celebrate
my mom's birthday
and then I told
one of my friends
you know, she turned 71
and he was like,
"Oh, she's getting up there."
I don't think that's old.
I don't think 71--
I do not think 71
is old in 2019.
I think it's old enough
that you know for a fact
she didn't know
what the Internet was
for, like, five years.
Everyone over 60
just got blindsided
when the Internet dropped.
I'm talking about
that's over 60 now.
Like, the Internet came out
and they're like,
"What the fuck?"
They're still catching up.
They're like, "I have an iPad."
You're like,
"All right, nice try."
My mom is like,
"My phone connects
to my laptop."
It's like,
"It's fucking supposed to.
It's supposed to do that."
The Internet came out
when I was 13 years old.
That's when it
came into my life,
the perfect age,
the perfect age.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Thirteen years old,
I was born at the crosshairs
of the Internet and puberty.
Legitimately for the first
three months of the Internet,
I thought I manifested it...
...with my horny
13-year-old brain.
I was, "All the boobs
in the world into one box!"
Then my mom came home from
Circuit City and she's like,
"I've got a computer and
it's got America Online on it."
I was like, "Ooh,
dog will hunt."
Young millennials
might not remember,
but the Internet used
to come in the mail.
Like, that's how
you got the Internet.
Like, I remember my mom
holding up a CD being, like,
"What am I gonna do with
500 hours of America Online?"
And you're like,
"Let me see that real quick."
13-year-old me was like,
"Yeah, yeah, yeah,
right here. Come on.
Going through
some real changes, lady."
If you learned
how to masturbate
during the dial-up age,
you have a doctorate
in patience.
'Cause they'd be like,
"You know there's naked
people on there?"
And like, "Where?"
And it's like...
And you're like, "Oh, oh!"
"You've got mail."
"Go, go, go, go, go."
If you whisper,
"You've got mail" into my ear,
I will come fast.
I'm Pavlovian trained.
If you're like,
"You've got mail."
I'm like, "Fuck, I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry
I've got so much mail."
I remember my mom--
I remember I was at home alone,
my mom was at work.
I was home alone, got bored,
you know, got horny,
got greedy,
as most
horny men tend to get.
And I remember being like,
"Why am I dealing
with this dial-up bullshit?
"Why don't I go online,
print a picture out?
I can J-O to this thing
until I'm 30."
I remember having
that idea and being like,
"Am I the smartest
little boy of all time?"
It's like, "I'm on some
Doogie Howser shit right now."
I still remember
the picture to this day,
that's how much time I put in.
I still remember it.
It was a beautiful naked woman.
She was standing outside,
very happy to be outside.
She was smiling ear to ear
and she was pouring
a giant jug of milk on her body.
Don't fucking judge me!
I know a judgment silence
when I hear one. You guys are--
Worst case scenario
I got a milk fetish,
worst case scenario.
If that is the case, guess
who's got some strong-ass bones.
This calcium-filled weirdo.
But I saw that picture,
I was like,
"I love this woman. Print."
It was 1996.
I was raised by a single mom
on a real tight budget
so our printer wasn't the best.
It was one of those
printers where you hit Print,
it's like...
And then it'd hit that
blank spot and be like...
I didn't give a fuck.
I was standing over it like,
"Yes, come to life,
my queen!"
Then I heard the noise
that no 13-year-old boy
with a boner wants to hear,
that garage door open up.
Yeah, 'cause
you don't hear it at first.
And then it's like...
you're like,
"Fuck! Abort! Abort!"
I turned off the computer,
rip the paper
out of the printer
like a fucking
government document,
turned off the power strip
and ran downstairs
with awkward
13-year-old-with-a-boner energy.
I didn't know how
to hold it, you know?
Like, now I'm in my 30s,
I know you put it
in your pant lining
and you walk around
like you played football
in the '70s.
You're just like,
"Ow, ow, ow, ow."
But 13, I was
just like, "Fuck."
My mom immediately
walks in and she's like,
"What's up?
Why are you being weird?"
I was like this,
"I learned a lot
in school today."
That was it, you know?
My mom hung out.
About 10 minutes later,
out of nowhere,
my mom makes herself
a drink and she's like,
"All right, I'm gonna
go play Tetris."
Thought nothing of it.
I was like, "Go get 'em, Trish.
Line that shit up."
Yeah, all I hear
is my mom walk into the room
with the computer.
I hear her put her drink down,
then I just hear
the click of the power strip,
then I hear...
I'm like, "No, I killed you!
You're dead!"
It's like...
I'm downstairs having
a full-on fucking meltdown.
I'm like, "I can't
live here anymore.
This lady knows what I'm into."
My mom comes downstairs furious,
holding a picture
of a naked woman
dumping milk all over herself,
no forehead, gone.
It's clean off.
She just shows me the picture
and she just goes,
"What the fuck is this?"
It's '96, Internet is
maybe three years old.
She showed me that picture,
I was like...
"I think you got a virus."
That's it.
That's all it took.
It's all it took,
there wasn't one
follow-up question.
My mom was like,
"I'm gonna call
Circuit City."
I was like, "Yeah,
those fucking perverts!"
Guess who dug that picture up
out of the trash an hour later
like a horny little raccoon?
First time I ever told
that story, I was in Denver
and I didn't know
my mom was in the crowd.
And the next day
we got lunch and she was like,
"You know, I remember that."
And I was like, "What?
How do you remember that?"
And she's like,
"You don't forget when
you come home from work,
"and the son
you're raising by yourself
is printing out pornography."
I was like, "Yeah,
but, you know,
I told you it was a virus
and you believed it."
And she was like, "Yeah,
and I let you believe
that I believed it."
Which blew me away.
I was like, "Why didn't
you just yell at me?
Why didn't you, you know?
Why didn't I get in trouble?"
And she's like,
"Do you think
I'm gonna yell at a boy
"printing out pornography
when I'm raising you
"without a fatherly figure?
You're gonna end up
choking hookers in your 30s."
That's when I realized
how great of a mom I had.
She let me think
I outsmarted her.
But it also makes sense
why every night before dinner
my mom was always like,
"Let me guess, you want milk?"
You guys were a lot of fun.
Thank you very much.
Thanks a lot.
God bless. See you later, guys.
Thank you.
Dan: Thank you!
♪ Just live till you die ♪
♪ I wanna drown ♪
♪ With nowhere to fall ♪
♪ Into the arms of someone ♪
♪ There's nothin'
to say that I know ♪
♪ You live till you die ♪
♪ Live till you die,
I know ♪
♪ Live till you die,
I know ♪
♪ Live till you die,
I know ♪
♪ Live till you die ♪
♪ Live till you die,
I know ♪
♪ Live till you die ♪