Dale Archdale (2016) - full transcript
When Dale Archdale's trailer park shuts down, he is forced to move in with his ex wife at her free rental house in an upscale community. Dale manages to catch wind of a Chili Cook-off with enough prize money to save his beloved trailer park. However, he must face his snooty neighbors, an angry mob boss, and shenanigans from his inbred pack of hillbilly friends and family members along the way.
Yes.
Oh, hey!
He's calling me in.
Yeah, I'm
calling you in.
Oh come smear on me.
Damn, you
are gaping, come here,
- you piece of hairpie.
- Oh.
You like smelling all my holes?
Yeah, you're
flourishing down there.
It's like a bunch
of chopped ham.
Oh yeah?
My dick's harder than
Chinese arithmetic.
Oh.
Shit, it's the ole man.
Oh, care.
Well, you gotta hide.
Grr!
- Oh.
- Well, shit.
Jesus, where the
hell am I gonna hide?
Well, I don't care, just hide.
And not there.
Why not?
Oh, no.
Here man, come on, he ain't
gonna see if I get down.
I can still see you, dipshit.
In the closet, in the closet!
Hey!
Whose piece of
shit truck is that
and who the fuck
are you talking to?!
No one, Daddy.
Myself, I was fixing
to fix myself.
What are you doing home?
Well, I woke up
in the basement
at the poker game
and I was naked.
Oh, you poor thing,
why don't you come here?
Come here.
- Come here.
- Hmm, Mama.
Yee haw, woo!
Yee haw, yee, woohoo!
Oh yeah!
Oh, I play poker
naked too, grr.
You son of a bitch!
You mullet wearing motherfucker,
you come back here,
I'm gon kill you.
Don't go shooting,
you fucking jackass!
Ah,
come here, come on.
Ha, fuck you,
butterfly!
What do we have here?
Well, hey there, girly.
Fuck off, Dale.
Pff, love you too, you fine
piece of hairpie.
Yeah, yeah, come on.
Oh.
Yo man, what the shit?
Get out of here.
Can't you see I'm out
here balling with my boys?
You guys are my boys, right?
Sorry, Stanley.
Yo, man, how many times I
gotta tell you it's $-Money?
And the S is like a dollar
sign, that shit's gangsta.
Shut up, ya honkey.
Stanley,
dinner's ready!
Ma, can't you see
I'm talkin' to my boy
Arch Dickey Dickey Dale.
But I made mac and cheese.
Yo, your Mom's mac
and cheese is da bomb!
Yo, ask your Mom if she
use that paprika, son!
Man, shut up.
Hey, Mom, did you
use the paprika?
Of course I used
paprika, sugar bear!
Stanley just loves me.
Deuces, bitch!
What?
Hey!
Easy there, Space Race.
No, I will not take it easy!
You owe me four months rent,
you hillbilly piece of shit!
And don't think I don't know
what you're doing in there
with all those koochey,
koochey boom booms.
I cut you break
expecting hot oil action,
but you no call Sergey.
That's it, you're oot!
Oot?
Oot!
Oot, oot?
Oot!
Oot?
Oot!
I don't know your space
terms, all right, relax.
Shit, you'll get your rent.
Put your ball away, man.
Assholes.
Oh, hey pretty lady.
What, what, you want
to go spring break?
You want to have
spring break with me?
I can give free rent, you know.
I have the power!
Damn you, three-legged
street dog!
Quiet up in there,
Alphonso, you meaty Mexican.
The fuck do you want?
Man, what the fuck do
you want, man, I'm busy.
Why are you
drinking baby beer?
Why the fuck wouldn't I be?
Can I borrow some money?
No, what do you want it for?
This chick that Holmes
and I used to tag team
is claiming I'm the
father of one of her kids.
So I wanna take a DNA
test to prove to her
that I'm not!
Come here Angel, come say hi.
Hi, Ron.
Angel, Dale.
Dale, Angel.
Hi Dale.
Nice to meet you, you
have a nice set of tits.
I'm still not gonna help you,
I don't have any cash.
Dale, I'm not
ready to be a father, come on.
Then fucking
wear a rubber, man.
They don't make
them big enough.
Damn right they
don't.
Then wear a fucking
trash bag, later.
What are you doing?
You can't leave now!
Hey, Dale!
Open up the door, we
gotta talk some more!
Dale, come on,
this is ridiculous.
I'm the hedgehog
for god's sakes.
Dale!
Hey, Alphonso,
you meaty Mexican.
Eat up, fuckface.
Come on, you need your fat.
I can't wait for some
squirrel dumpling.
Your cousin was great.
Fucker.
Oh shit, whatever.
Dale.
Brenda is divorcing me.
I don't wanna be
alone right now.
I'm gonna do it this time, Dale.
I feel it, man.
But I wanna get drunk first.
- Jesus, Rick.
- Meet me at the Rusty Nail
tonight for some drinks.
Sources report that the
infamous Bambino crime family
has been linked to the
disappearances of local bookies.
Coming up next, having
the hardest time
figuring out what
sort of costume
to put on your
little furry friend?
Our pet costume
expert Dolores Dolores
will be here to discuss
the hottest trends
in the pet Halloween industry.
I'm Hank Stuckey and
we're First at Four.
Dale?
Dale, you son of a bitch,
I know you're in there.
I could smell ya.
Dale?!
And answer the damn
door, you piece of shit!
Christ, stop
pounding, you dumb bitch!
Damn earthquake
strap's coming loose.
Where's my child support,
you fucking deadbeat?
Pff!
Not today!
Christ.
That's what
you said about the condom
and look what happened.
Hey!
Get out of the car and
say hi to your pappy.
What the hell do
you keep them trunked up for?
Don't tell me
what to do with my kids.
They're my
kids too, ya homegrown.
Yeah you think.
Shit.
Hey Pa, guess what?
Sup?
I got me my first
piece of hairpie.
Right on, Bill Junior.
How about you, Junior?
Women ain't
nothing but a hassle.
They take all of your money.
Pff, that's right.
Hey, now all right,
now go play with
them damn beer cans!
Hey!
And your little brother!
Come on, man.
And the baby.
- Pff.
- Dumbass.
I don't even know
why I feed you.
Who the hell is this dick?
Dale, it's me.
Your brother?
Archie!
Shit, Arch,
I didn't recognize you
without no bushy mustache.
Oh, you know I got
a promotion down there
at the Tire Depot.
Good.
That mustache made you
look like a Mexican.
Say what?
Look, what the hell
you guys doing here?
We came to pick up
Renee's convertible
before we go on staycation.
God I can't wait
to go to the hideaway
and get away from you dumbasses.
The shit is a hideaway?
And staycation, what the
fuck you talking about?
Well Archie
won salesman of the year.
You remember Maribeth?
No.
Maribeth, the bitch
who ran the train.
Train out at Lane School.
I remember that fat bitch.
She worked down at the shop.
I keep her all frothy,
she rang up all her
sales under my number.
I still got it, bro.
And this is our prize.
We get to stay here
for two whole weeks.
Well whoop dee
fucking doo, Renee.
I don't give a shit.
Hey!
What the hell did I say?
Not near the damn trailer!
Don't be getting cuts on
them fingers of yours,
I ain't paying for
no tetanus shots.
Look, I ain't
got time for this.
I still gotta drop that
stupid baby off at Crystal's
before the Nascar party.
Pfff.
Get in the car.
You little fucking shits.
Bye, Pa.
Fuck you, Dale.
Now get the hell
off my property.
Hey, quit moving
around back there,
you're gonna get footprints
all over my fuckin' interior!
Shut up!
Bunch of assholes.
Can you put some
of this on my back?
I can't reach.
Of course.
Hey, Dale.
What's up, Brittany?
Hi, Dale.
Hey Dale.
Dammit, Ronnie, put
that shit away, man.
Nobody needs to
see that right now!
Dammit, boy, give
me 25 jumping jacks!
Sir, yes sir.
Archdale!
Treachery's afoot.
Word of our enemies
has reached my ears.
What?
He's right, Dale.
Momma said we might
lose the trailer park.
I hear if Serge
can't get 50 grand,
he'll lose it all.
Pff!
This ain't gonna happen,
we ain't goin nowhere.
I like your
confidence, Archdale.
Would you like to join
us in our quarters
for some food rations?
We're having chick
pea with sweet corn pate
and mango salsa.
What the hell's the
matter with you, boy?
We're having steakums!
Ooh.
I do enjoy a piece
of meat in my mouth
every now and then.
- Me too.
- Me three.
Dammit boy, get inside!
Hut-two, hut-two, hut-two!
Yeah you got some nice tits.
Thank you.
Shit.
Sup?
She's divorcing me, Dale.
Good, 'cause I hate
that bitch.
Shit.
I just wanna go crazy.
Let's drive to Williamsburg
and just throw down!
Sounds like a bad idea.
The fuck?
Shit, man!
The hell?
That magician just
do a live bar trick?
Dammit, Dale.
Can't you even try to say
something to cheer me up?
Like tell me a
joke or something.
All right, fuck.
All right man, what
do you call them
liquor bottles over there?
Racist.
Shit, man, elixir.
Look at that little hussy, huh?
She pretty hot.
Don't give her your rape
face, dude, Jesus man.
Chicks don't wanna
see that shit!
It's just my
regular face, Dale.
Besides I'm kinda taking
mental pictures for later.
Yeah, I heard
you, fair enough.
All right, what about
that chick right there?
Oh, I don't know.
She kind of got a
front butt, you know?
Who cares?
So what, the bitch
is scrimmage then
for the big games, right?
I mean shit, I'd rather
take a hot chick that's sexy
and fucking fat
than a skinny chick
who's uncoordinated any day.
Thank you.
Oh, thank you.
And thank you.
Wow.
Shit man, why don't
you go bark at her?
All right.
Come on, all right.
Damn fuck man, goddamn Rick.
Sloppy shit, man.
Oh hell no.
I hate magicians.
I wanna see him pull
a rabbit from a hat
rearry, rearry bad.
Excuse me miss, I'm
not thirsty anymore.
Can I please get a refund for
the rest of this cocktail?
Oh shit.
Fuck.
What the?
Why is the lock not working?
Down my locker, there.
The fuck, man?
Sorry, Dale.
I not come up with money
to keep trailer park.
Everybody have till end of month
to get the fuck out!
Oooh!
Fuck man, it's
like two weeks away, bro.
I have Russian
love bride coming.
We need special place
to make the sex.
Come, now!
I reckon I'd fuck that, yep.
I'll be right back.
Oh, fuck.
Shit am I gonna go?
Moving on up, huh?
What the shit
is he doing here?
You're not ruining my vacation.
I don't care.
I gotta agree with Renee.
This is supposed to
be our staycation.
Oh it makes me so
hot the way you say
that staycation shit.
Jesus, you two.
What the hell?
Hey, stop
pounding on my car!
Stop pounding on my momma!
We wanted some alone time.
Me and Archie are trying
to make more babies.
You can't get pregnant!
You're already pregnant, bitch!
Well I gotta keep
icing that cake,
make sure it turns out
my flavor this time.
Shut up, you dumb shits.
You ain't smart!
Oh yeah, right there, oh.
God damn, that makes me sick.
Jesus Christ!
I can't stop looking at it.
Ah, shit, I'm getting a boner.
Ah god, stop doing that shit!
The hell is that noise?
Lou's redoing
the summer cottage.
Lou?
Lou's redoing the
summer cottage?
Lou's?
All he does is rent out
to dirtbag shitwhores
all summer long!
And I have to listen
to it all goddamn day!
Well this will be the last pass
of those sausages
at breakfast ever!
I swear to God, mark my words!
Hello.
Hello, excuse me, hi.
Hello, hi.
I'm Ginger and that's
my house right there.
Give it to me hard!
Mmm, hey you little lion you.
Rarr.
Why thank you.
Yeah, mmm-mmm.
So you folks staying here?
Something like that.
Are those yours?
You want them to be?
Well maybe you
should let them out.
Maybe you should put on a
little foreign bathing suit
and walk around with
some fuck me boots.
Gonna have me a good
vacation, mmm-mmm-mmm.
A lot of pussy.
Rick, what the hell
are you doing here?
She kicked me out.
Shit, now it's a party.
Fucking right, come on,
help me get some of
this shit out the truck!
Come on, hurry up.
Come here.
Come on boy, come on.
What in the hell are you...
Fuck, come on!
Look, you can't just
put your stuff in here.
This is my shed!
That's funny
'cause Lou told me
I'd get half this fucker.
And who the hell are you?
Who the hell are you?
I'm the owner of this shed!
Oh you must be
pretty proud and shit,
you know, 'cause you own a shed.
Your kind is not welcome here.
Pfff.
Stop that!
Look, right now!
Just, why don't you take
your Appalachian ass
out of here, and get,
oh god!
What did you say?
This is highly inappropriate.
This is a shared shed!
You asshole!
Why don't you just,
oh goddammit!
Look, just, I would
very much appreciate it
if you just kept
some of your shit
on that side of the shed!
Fine!
Rick, get in here!
This asshole's annoying me.
Excuse me.
Pfff.
Hey, get up something.
Help out, go hurry up,
pick that shit up.
You move it, I ain't moving it.
Hey.
You like Richard Petty, man?
I have no idea who
Richard Petty is.
Pff.
He's like,
- Jesus.
- Like Jesus and shit, man.
Don't think that
this'll be the last time
you see me.
I've dealt with your
kind before, okay?
And don't think that I won't
call the POA on both of you!
Whatever, you dink.
Pff, that guy.
He'll be an issue
probably, I reckon.
What's the POS?
I ain't eating that shit.
Eat your damn sammich.
I don't know
Renee, he's right.
It's our first night
on staycation, girl.
We should go have
ourselves a fancy supper.
All right, well.
If we're going to
a fancy eatery,
that means we need
to dress to kill.
And Archie, that means
you're wearing deodorant.
The hell I am.
You know that'll mess up
my natural pheromones,
keep you all hot and bothered.
Yeah, the neighbors
have already complained
about the smell.
You're wearing deodorant.
We'll see about that.
No!
Jesus Christ, Rick!
Sorry, Dale.
I've been so lonely.
Daggone, man.
Excuse me?
There are six of us.
Follow me.
Good evening.
I am Alberto.
I will be your
server for tonight.
Alberto.
Shouldn't you be in the
back washing dishes?
I am Italiano.
And even if I were Hispanic,
that stereotype
is both offensive
- and inaccurate.
- Whatever!
Just get me a fried
baloney sammich.
Yeah, I'll take some
eggs and spam, runny.
And bring me some grits
like that fella over there
but don't put any
fucking shrimp in it.
That's just fucking gross.
And I'll take a ham
and cheese hot pocket.
Oh come on now Ma, this
is a fancy restaurant.
You're right.
I'll take a Mesquite
barbecue chicken Hot Pocket.
Right.
We have none of those things.
We'll take sketti.
Yeah.
Sketti.
Sketti, sketti, sketti, sketti.
And what will that
gentleman be having?
Shit, I don't know.
Give him sketti too.
Whatever, fuck man.
Where the fuck is Rick?
Probably
rubbing one out.
Hey Paco, I'll take a PBR!
Great merciful holy moly!
The toilet!
It knows!
These is magic toilets!
Out, spirit!
Who's in there?
That one ain't gonna do.
And then money for nothing?
And with checks for,
are you the keeper of this
here enchanted craphole?
Yes.
And give me that money
and get out of here!
I'm sorry, Doctor,
I thought it was...
Get out!
Fine.
I don't want no part of
your brave new world,
with your mechanical monsters
watching me take a shit!
I just poop in the hole
like a normal person!
Flutter.
Hurricane Dale.
This place sucks.
Roadkill's better.
No shit.
And which one of
you classy individuals
will be picking up
the bill tonight?
Dine and dash?
I'm just kidding, Jose.
Credit card roulette.
Ooh yeah!
Credit card roulette!
You
coming, get in there.
Credit card roulette.
Pick a card, any card.
Yeah.
Come on Rick, get
your ass in here.
Well, Dale, I
ain't got no plastic.
Jesus, man, you're 40.
Little man, we know
you got one, pull it out.
Where
did you get that?
From your momma!
Yeah!
- Oh yeah.
- Yeah.
Suck it, Arch!
Shit.
Mildred!
Have you seen my Mildred?
Huh?
Mildred, my hot wife.
I think she's out here.
Yeah she's hot?
What's she look like?
The finest piece of
ass you've ever seen.
All right, shit,
let's go find her, man.
- Shit.
- I know she's out here
- somewhere.
- Hey, Grampa!
Oh.
You.
Yeah me.
What the hell are
you doing in my shed?!
Shit man, get
used to it, Jeeves.
This shit's ours the
next two weeks, pal.
I'm not your pal, you putz.
I'm not you putz, you dink.
I'm not your
dink, you indigent!
I'm not your
indigent, you
I'm not your
, oh goddamit!
Lipman!
Get my father out
of the rain barrell!
Yes, sir.
Come on Grampa.
Ooh!
Get off me, Mildred!
Ah, come on.
People are fucking weird.
Yup.
Dang, Dale.
What can't you do?
Well, I can't fart and
sneeze at the same time
'cause it hurts my asshole.
That's about it.
Yup.
Nothing's going my way, bud.
Got no wife, got no
job, got no house.
Got no kids.
Got no dog.
Got no fish!
Shit, Rick.
No one's gonna clean
up your shit for you.
You gotta clean
up your own shit.
And put a fucking
split shot on already!
Hey, hey!
Hey, I got one.
Hey!
Look at that!
Thanks, Dale.
Shit, Rick, this
ain't Steel Magnolias.
I ain't fucking Julia Roberts.
Hmm?
Oh, this should be good.
Fucking richies.
Easy, easy.
You'll get your money.
Braxton?!
What's with all the racket?
Your mom and I are
trying to watch Fox News!
Nothing, Dad.
Everything's fine.
It doesn't sound like nothing.
Hey!
You've been gambling
again, haven't you?
I learned it from you, Dad.
I learned it from watching you!
Shut your mouth!
I have
it under control!
Oh, apparently not!
Then help me out.
Please, just one more time.
I can't, all right?
What you doin', Dale?
Shut the fuck up, Rick!
Get down here, man,
they're gonna see you.
I ain't getting in that bush.
Why the fuck not, man?
Come on.
Well I reckon
that's where all
of them ticks come from.
What ticks, man?
Well, the ones
on your face, Dale.
I got ticks on my face?
Yeah.
A lot.
I got ticks on my face!
Oh shit, man, go get the
pliers man, get the pliers!
Oh fuck.
God!
Gynecomastia, or
what is commonly known
as man boobs, is a growing
problem in America.
I mean look at this fat fucker.
Pff, don't listen
to him, boys.
Fuckin sellout.
Come on down to
the Moist Grille
and try our Hillbilly
Chicken Wang Challenge!
Ching Chang Chong, go eat
through all the wangs,
get yourself some free grub.
Dat'z wazzup!
Yeehoo!
Do you
like to have fun?
Yeah.
Do
you like good food?
Yeah, why not?
Do you
like cash prizes?
Fucking right!
Well
then, come on down
to the 10th annual
Figure Eight Island
Chili Cook Off!
It'll be the most fun you
can have with a spoon.
Don't believe me?
Just ask Aaron Richmond,
star of the hit cooking
channel show, Man Versus Meat.
I'm Aaron Richmond,
and I wanna put what
you got in my mouth.
So come on down
to the 10th annual
Figure Eight Island
Chili Cook Off.
For the small entry
fee of 250 dollars
you can enter your chili recipe
for a chance to win the
grand prize of $50,000.
Rick!
Rick!
Hey, shit man, put
your shit away, dude.
The hell's the
matter with you, man?
Come on,
you know I'm lonely.
God's sake, so
you're beating off
to the damn Williams sisters!
I just like the
noises they make
when they hit that ball.
God and they got legs
like Clydesdales!
Man, you fucked.
Hey listen, I just saw
a commercial on TV,
50 Gs for whoever wins
this chili cookoff thing.
We could win back the
trailer park, man!
What the hell do we
know about cooking chili?
Shit if I know.
But remember Pablo, that Mexican
guy from the trailer park?
No.
You remember?
Like he had a
weird ear and shit?
Oh Pablo, the weird ear guy.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah dude, he used to
steal my electricity one day.
I saw him, he was cooking chili.
Fuck man, he showed me
some shit, it's easy.
Listen, we're going shopping.
We're gonna win this shit.
I don't know, Dale.
Hey.
Get you a new catch rag.
Yeah?
Yeah.
All right, let's go.
Oh well, hey.
We'll wait till your boner
- goes down.
- Oh yeah.
All right.
Yeah, we better wait.
Goddamit, Junior,
you made me fucking blink.
Come on, Rick.
Hey Pa.
Pff.
All right, grab some of
them beans over there, man.
I like those pinto beans.
They make me feel
poor like beaner.
Man, this shit's expensive, man.
I reckon we can't buy
too much of this shit.
Hey, this here'll
make you feel rich.
Oh, shit, Two Buck Chuck?
That'll make a man feel rich.
You know, any wine will
make a man feel rich.
Hell yeah it will.
Grab a bunch of that shit.
Look at these stupid
ass nut thins and shit.
Fuck all that shit.
- Ow, shit!
- Oh!
Oh, hey there, cutie pie.
I'm so sorry about that.
Hey, that's all right.
Hey, aren't you the chili
princess from the television?
Yeah, well I prefer
to be called Tori.
Oh yes you do,
okay, all right.
Daggone, well I'm Dale Archdale.
A bit of a chili
sensei, if I might add.
Oh right on, Dale Archdale.
Yeah.
Hey, is that a pink
Member's Only jacket?
Yeah, why the
hell wouldn't it be?
Well all right.
All right,
well I guess I'll be
seeing you soon, Dale Archdale.
Yes you will, chili princess.
Sweet, sweet chili princess.
Damn, bitch would
cause divorces.
Oh, oh my god!
What, you ain't
ever seen a kid
squirt shit into
his mouth before?
Pff!
Dumb bitch.
What's up?
Hey, grab some salsa, all right?
I like when it's warm and store
bought and shit, all right,
but I don't want it
going in the fridge
'cause once it's cold
it tastes like shit.
All right.
Hi, Mr. Fauxman.
Hi.
Yeah, evening, Fauxman.
Hi.
Mr. Fauxman.
Is there anything I can do
to accommodate you today?
Nope, no, we're fine.
My wife and I are going
to enjoy a bonding evening
so no we're good, thanks.
Well, just let us know
if you need anything
at all, okay?
No, we're fine.
Okay.
Whatever, give me this shit!
Excuse me, ugh.
It's you.
Fucking right it's me, richie.
Hey, hey.
Is there a problem
here, Mr. Fauxman?
Yes.
This fongool has taken my sauce.
I ain't giving it back
'cause I'm using this shit
for my own chili.
Hah!
Are you kidding me?
Yup.
So you've decided to
make this your home?
I gotta tell you, hillbilly.
This chili cookoff
isn't for townies.
Besides, we win every year.
Well, I just got done
smoking all my resin
so I reckon I'll be
smoking you next.
Please.
You can't even
afford the entry fee.
Dale Archdale!
Hurry your ass up, you hear?
Shut up, bitch!
God!
Dale Archdale?
What the hell kind
of name is that, sir?
I don't know, it's
better than Fauxman.
I mean your name is Fucks Men.
Later!
Dick.
I got an idea.
What?
We're gonna have a
party and charge people.
No one's gonna pay
to party with us, Dale.
Shit, yeah they will.
They will!
Ooh yes.
They will.
Oh, this is gonna be fun.
Man, Dale, I can't believe
you got them all to show up.
You know, who'd thought
that telling a bunch
of hilljacks that Kenny G is
playing for 10 bucks a head
would get them to come
out like this, huh?
Hey, how are?
Did you see?
Pretty girl.
I love Kenny G.
I hope he plays Auld Lang Syne.
Uh huh, me too.
You know, I heard you
are only supposed to take
two and a half hours
worth of energy at a time.
Uh huh, mhmm.
Two and a half hours.
Look man, this is a great party.
You know what, I bet
some chips and salsa
would be really nice,
don't you think?
I'ma get some.
Sounds
good, I'll see you later.
Yeah!
Oh, it's a party!
No way I know you.
- Hey, Brittany, Brandy!
- Hi, Dale.
Yeah.
Mmm, you two, who's
getting naked first, huh?
Get on my water bed later.
Hey, Dale!
Hey, Serge!
Come on in, you're all right.
How much we'll see
this time around, eh?
Sergeant Dale!
Captain, General,
Lieutenant, soldier.
Hey Dale,
I must be late.
Somebody already bust
their nuts all over you?
Go away, Ronnie.
Go away, get outta here, Ronnie!
Yo, yo,
yo, what up Dale?
Yeah yeah.
Up in here,
- yeah yeah!
- Yeah, let me holla at you.
It's getting worse and worse.
Where's the chicks at?
What the hell are
you supposed to be?
I'm a member of
the Bambino family.
Let me get this straight.
You're in a costume
mocking a mob boss
for a family that's
still around here?
Trade me costumes?
No.
How are you doing?
Well.
This morning I had to fight
a little Filipino woman.
She came up to me and said
she was gonna have a
double kidney transplant
on the 15th of next month
and she wanted the day off.
Well I said no.
That's the day of my big party.
I need you there.
Well she insisted and insisted.
So finally I looked
her in the eye
and I said Pekpek,
you cunt, you cunt!
And then she slapped me.
I couldn't tell if he had
any black in him or not!
So I just didn't tip him!
Dammit!
Goddammit!
Yeah!
Woohoo!
Just what the hell do you
think you're doing here?!
Grrr!
You got a permit?
'Cause I'll call the sheriff.
He's here with me somewhere.
The hell are you
doing at my party?
I reckon he's
trespassing, Dale.
I am not!
You don't even
have a costume on.
The fuck are you supposed to be?
I am a Republican!
God, this guy's pathetic!
Fine, go.
Have a drink.
No, thank you.
Take it.
Yeah, drink up!
Shit, man, this salsa cold.
Shit done damn near been
in the fucking fridge.
What?
Ain't nobody got time
for no cold ass salsa.
Shit needs to be lukewarm!
That's what's up.
Damn!
There's a lot of fly
honeys up in here tonight!
Mmm, a lot of fly hunkies too.
Let's go wildcats!
Well well well.
Well hey there pretty
little sweet thing.
Hello.
Look at this
pretty little piece
of hairpie baked
up in front of me.
It's Abigail,
Fauxman's daughter.
God.
You're hot.
Come on.
Don't tell me you're afraid
of a little gun shooting.
Well, I've never
seen a gun before.
Come with me.
Mmm!
Oh!
That
is some good shit.
You chug like my grandmother!
Drink, drink, little maggot!
Right!
Ew.
Who took all the
watermelon ones?
Fuck you, you
white son of a bitch!
I love lollipops!
When the fuck is
Kenny G coming out, yo?
Man my brother Facebook
said David Foster
was playing this shit.
That's some false
advertising, yo.
You bet I'm gonna
report this shit
to the Better Business
Bureau, motherfucker.
Report that shit, dawg!
I'd sure like a
delicious lollipop.
Pussy.
Oh, hey there.
What you doing?
Oh.
How many licks
is it gonna take
till you taste the rainbow?
I didn't know.
It's all right, don't be shy.
We got a bottle of wine
to lose our inhibitions.
I quit drinking.
Oh,
come on, sunshine.
I'm looking for Braxton.
I have no idea
what you just said.
You sound like a Bassett Hound.
Huh?
I can't understand you either.
He said what do
you want, you wop?
Hey, take it easy,
- fag.
- Yeah!
Hey, yo!
- Bye, Felicia.
- Oh, what the fuck?!
You the boss?
Fucking no-neck crew.
Chew.
Gimme that, man.
Smoke that.
Looking for somebody, huh?
I'm looking for Braxton.
Mr. Bambino would like to
have a few words with him.
Does this look like a party
where there's a Braxton?
I mean come on.
Do we look like
we're fucking serving
caviar over here, bro?
All right, I mean maybe Cletus.
We got Cletus over there.
Hey let's chug.
Let's do it.
All right, ready go.
Cheers.
Come on.
He's not here.
Hey wait.
What do you guys do
with the horse's body
after you guys dispose
of the head?
Here.
They're gone now
there, Warren Buffett.
Thank god.
Cookies, cookies.
Hi, Stanley.
God, Ma!
Leave me alone.
Oh wassup, my niggas!?
Did I just see a
gang of Levar Burtons?
Looks like Reading
Rainbow just got gangster.
Oh hey there, chili
queen of the Nile.
I knew
you couldn't resist.
Oh I'm actually
looking for Mr. Fauxman.
I came to drop off
his registration form
for the Chili Cook Off.
Better give me one
of those too, huh?
What time am I
coming over tomorrow?
Tomorrow?
I figured you wanna
cook me some grub
but you was too shy to ask.
All right, hotshot.
All right, here's my address.
Be there at eight?
Yeah I'll be there at eight.
If you're lucky I'll
bring my nipple blaster.
Oh my gosh.
It's got these three speeds.
Scream.
What the shit?
Oh my goodness.
Not again, Ginger!
Get your coat.
Sweet Robin
Leach, it's you!
Hi, Daddy.
All of you, get out!
Get outta here!
Rick?
But, we're just talking.
I got this little
thing in my trunk,
it's a blow up mattress.
I could bring it over, maybe.
You're going down, Archdale.
What a joke.
Yeah.
Oh, I gotta make
a few more stops.
But I'll see you tomorrow?
Right on.
I got a date.
Hello, baby fork.
Oh, shit, you are hungry.
Fucking right.
I'll go get some more.
You make yourself at home, okay?
- All right.
- Okay.
Goddamn, that ass.
Yo, yo, yo, yo!
You must be Dale.
Raise the roof, D.
Yeah, raise the roof?
Right, raise the roof.
The roof,
- the roof,
- Oh yeah.
- The roof is on fire.
- Oh yeah.
Uh, no, don't drink wine.
Wine is wiggity wiggity whack!
Here's some warming jelly
in case you kids wanna
get jiggy with it tonight.
Oh, yeah Frank,
- getting jiggy with it, huh?
- Remember those days.
Oh yeah, na na na.
♪ Na na na na na na na ♪
Shake it.
♪ Na na na na na na ♪
Shake it baby.
♪ Na na na na na na na ♪
♪ Na na na na na na ♪
♪ Na na na na na na na ♪
♪ Na na na na na na ♪
Your parents definitely
get it, they're funny.
Yeah, funny.
They're funny as shit.
Thanks.
Doggone, you're looking
good in that, honey,
little piece of hairpie.
Thank you.
Why don't you tell me a
little about yourself, huh?
Well there's not much to tell.
I'm just a small town girl.
Sometimes I just
feel like I'm living
in this lonely world.
Do you ever just wanna,
Kind of go on a
permanent vacation?
Yeah.
It's what I do.
I live where they
made Dawson's Creek.
I'm always on vacation.
- What the?
- Oh shit.
Oh boy.
Dinner was almost ready.
Shit.
Why don't you put on
your Sunday's best,
let's go out to eat, huh?
Yeah?
Yeah.
Are you sure?
Yeah.
Well where do you wanna go?
Olive park.
Shit,
I love Olive Park.
- Let's go to Olive Park.
- Yeah?
Get some fucking bread sticks?
Yup.
What's up?
Well don't you two look nice.
Shit yeah, I
mean it is the Olive Park.
Yeah but you don't
have to dress up
to come here anymore.
What?
Shit.
Hey, Pico!
I knew
you recognize me.
What are you doing here?
Oh, it's you.
Yeah it's me.
You guys got any mild
sauce today and shit
to put on those
enchiladas?
Mmm, I'm going
on my break now.
Look at you, sleepy.
I think we request Pico.
Ooh wee!
Yeah, Crystal, what's up, girl?
Hey, Dale!
Yeah, mmm.
Gotta love the Olive
Park, you know.
Yeah, all right.
Ginger, I can't
find the chili powder!
It's in the cabinet, dear.
Above the stove.
It's not in the cabinet.
All right, I'm
going to the store.
Okay.
Take Handsome with you.
Fine, dear.
Come here, Handsome.
Yes, you're so sweet, come on.
So what's
up with your parents?
Well, they adopted
a baby from Africa.
I don't know, they
try to act ethnic
because they think it'll
make them cool parents.
You know, I don't know.
I think that they
just want for Keyshawn
to get older and kind of
be amongst his own people.
You know, his own tribe,
tribal community thing
so you know, I don't know.
They've always just
been into that whole
fricking sub-culture.
We've actually been working on
learning their
language together.
That means hello
in where he's from.
Oh my god, I'm scaring
you off, aren't I?
No, shit makes sense.
I love fucked up
broads like you.
Hey, Waco.
I take it you'll be playing
credit card roulette again?
I take it you're
very good at sleeping?
Charming.
Pff.
Fuck you.
I had a really
great time tonight.
Me too.
Mind if I finger bang
you with my mouth?
Yeah.
Okay.
Fucking right.
Stop!
Hammertime!
♪ Whoah ♪
♪ Oh oh oh ♪
Oh, Frankie, honey.
Are you okay?
Ah, it's that old
pop-locking injury again.
Come on, come on.
Mom, Dad, you're
embarrassing me!
Jesus!
God!
Oh well all right.
You're here.
Great, why?
You don't work here anymore.
Huh, why?
Well as a member of
the Chili Cook Off team,
it's imperative that
you remain impartial.
After what you did last
night with a contestant,
it makes it impossible for you
to carry out those duties.
So supple.
I tell you what.
I think there's other
arrangements that could be made.
Oh my god.
Nice ass.
If we weren't married.
Right, right.
If we weren't
married, of course.
I'm paying you.
Get back to work!
Yes, sir.
This is how I'll stare
at them the whole night.
I swear to god, for
like seven hours, bro,
I was like.
What?
Do you have snot coming
out of your mouth too?
Fuck.
Hey babe, what's up?
Fauxman saw us kiss.
He got me fired.
Ah, shit, you all right babe?
Come here.
I'm sorry, Dale.
My mama warned me about this.
She told me I was living
in a gangster's paradise.
She told me not to go
chasing waterfalls.
Why the hell is this my fault?
I didn't do anything.
You were too legit, Dale.
Too legit to quit.
What does that mean?
You can't touch this.
Come on, baby!
Could be!
We ain't doing the chili?
No!
Shit!
What you gonna do now, Dale?
Her heart has turned
to ice, ice, baby.
Well I ain't going after her.
I'm out of shape.
Shit, I don't know.
I guess I'll get her
her job back, huh?
Figure that out.
Get her her job back?
How in the name of
a whispering stream
cutting through a mountain range
under a deep blue sky
near a happy little tree
of a Bob Ross painting
are you gonna do that?
Richmond!
Mr. Richmond!
Oh, oh.
I want what I have
in your mouth.
In your mouth.
Here.
Sign these.
Richmond!
Oh, I wanna hit that.
Richmond!
You gotta get Tori her job back.
I have no idea who
you're talking about.
Nor do I care.
She's a hot
little piece of ass
that works here, I don't know.
Lipman got her fired
and she didn't do shit.
Sorry buddy, not my problem.
Shit, you couldn't get her
job back if you wanted to.
You're a little
bitch boy of Lipman.
Hey.
What?
Of course I can
get her job back.
I'm Aaron fucking Richmond!
Problem is, not only
do I have no desire
of helping that fine
piece of ass Tori.
I think I might tap that.
You just said two seconds ago
you didn't know who she was.
Now you know her?
Oh, but don't I?
I always do, bitch.
Shit, all right I got an idea.
What's up?
You're a little
firecracker, you know?
All right look it, there's a
Chicken Wang eating challenge
at the Moist grill.
If I win, you get
Tori her job back.
Unless you're too scared.
Aaron Richmond fears no food.
Unless it's footlong hotdogs.
They make me uncomfortable.
What do I make out of it?
Is that your truck?
Yeah.
Tell you what.
You beat me, I get
Tori her job back.
But if I win, I get your
truck and your girl.
All right man, you got a deal.
Okay, fellas.
The Hillbilly Chicken
Wang Challenge.
The first one to eat
and complete wins.
Everyone understand?
Three, two, one.
Dominate your chicken wing!
Is it fun being like
a reality show star
instead of like a real actor?
White people.
Hey, Aaron, look at these!
Woo!
Dale, your last bite!
Winner!
I put all of you in the
poor house.
And why not?
I'm Fauxman!
Tori's back in.
What?
Richman let Tori back in.
Well, we've gotta
put a stop to this.
Archdale can't win.
We can't.
Richman's our biggest draw.
If we lose him, the
Chili Cook Off won't go.
We've got to do
something about this!
And fast!
The Chili Cook Off is tomorrow!
I have an idea.
I do like your ideas.
Do you, really?
Yes indeed.
Yes indeed?
Yes indeed, yes indeed,
yes indeed, yes indeed.
Why you fucker!
Dick.
Chili princess returns.
I knew you couldn't resist.
Fuck Fauxman, you guys.
Yeah?
Yeah, let's get 'em.
How'd you find out?
Rick called me.
Rick?
Dale, a girl like
this is more than just
an awesome high and perky rack
and an ass that won't quit.
I know, that ass won't quit.
It's special.
You feel it here.
Yeah.
- I feel it too.
- Not just down here.
Well a lot down there.
But here.
And I know that
I'll find somebody.
I'll find somebody.
You will, Rick.
But you found yours.
This is yours!
I know, she hot.
Come here, Rick, I love
you, come here, Rick.
I was like, fuck you, stoplight,
I pay taxes on my unemployment.
Fuck that shit, dude.
- All right.
- Fuck.
Oh, no.
It's bad, I'm sorry.
Fuck man, that shit
taste like shit, Rick.
That's bad, dude.
Come on man.
I'm sorry.
Mind if I grab that ass?
No.
God damn.
I've been working
out.
Dale.
You are something else.
All right, all right.
Now try.
Holy shit!
That's it.
That's great!
- Yes!
- That's it!
Fuck yes!
I love it Rick!
I love it!
Yes!
This is the chili that
will win the contest.
Sorry, we have to take
your chili for inspection.
The shit?
Yeah.
According to like,
bylaw two or something,
any contestant operating
with a former member
of the chili contest, we
gotta inspect the chili, yeah.
Hey, forget about it.
It'll be waiting for you
back at the contest, yeah.
The shit, man?
This ain't good.
All right, listen, Rick,
stick with the chili, man.
I don't trust these rich fucks.
Tori, let's go get drunk.
The rest of you shits I
don't give a shit about.
Let's go, baby.
Hey, can you tell
me if these are ripe?
They feel ripe to me.
Oh, look at those titties!
My clock says
it's time to fuck!
Hey look at you
sexy little thing.
Aren't you sweet.
Come on.
Mr. Bambino
grows tired of waiting.
He wants his 50 grand today!
Our family's recipe
wins every year.
You'll have the money by
the end of the day, I swear.
I better.
Mr. Bambino grows impatient.
Yeah!
Welcome to the 10th
annual Chili Cook Off.
I'm Aaron Richmond
and I'm gonna put what
these guys got in my mouth.
Are you ready?
Contestants, you ready?
Let's grub.
All right.
Let's see what we got here.
♪ Star on a two man ♪
♪ Kinda like I be Spock ♪
♪ We walk by ♪
♪ Girls whistle like a teapot ♪
♪ Slingshot slinging
rocks like a boulder ♪
♪ Chilling with my crew
sipping rum and cherry cola ♪
♪ Living like a molar ♪
♪ As I'm sipping out the flask ♪
♪ Business in the front
but we party in the back ♪
♪ Smoking from my stash ♪
♪ Hit it from the weed pipe ♪
♪ So damn high I can't
motherfuckin see right ♪
♪ Dale Archdale on a
mission with his crew ♪
♪ We the fucking shit ♪
♪ It like everything we do ♪
♪ Sipping on a 40 while
the girls dropping low ♪
♪ Sipping on some free
shots like a free throw ♪
♪ On my lyrical period yeah ♪
♪ My flow is heavy and I
get so many cream pies ♪
♪ They call me
Little Debbie, what ♪
♪ Who's that dude that got
the game on lock, man ♪
♪ Archdale, Archdale ♪
♪ Motherfucking Archdale ♪
♪ Who's that dude that run
the trailer park, man ♪
♪ Archdale ♪
Cincinnati chili?
This is the fucking south!
Take that shit back up
north, you fucking yankee.
♪ Who's that dude that
just throw the last joint ♪
♪ Archdale, Archdale ♪
♪ Motherfucking Archdale ♪
♪ You ground for the shine ♪
♪ So the shiner take flight ♪
♪ A lot of fine ladies
in the ice made nights ♪
♪ Look like the daytime ♪
♪ Say I ain't fly ♪
♪ You gotta be smoking ♪
♪ And you had a few
of them sane eyes ♪
♪ West coast, fresh coast ♪
♪ Sitting on some lowlows ♪
♪ All up on my high horse
but I ain't rocking Polo ♪
♪ Yolo, I really agree ♪
♪ See me in that button down ♪
♪ With your girl going
down on that yoyo ♪
♪ Ish I'm the ish ♪
♪ But I don't like to ♪
♪ I prefer the one
spot like Lebron do ♪
♪ Just rock up in my name ♪
♪ You're dealing
with the flame ♪
♪ Nigger Irving swerving ♪
♪ Knocking shots back ♪
♪ Hey make a A, lady ♪
♪ You wanna deal
with the ragalator ♪
♪ The young fly boy ♪
♪ A real levitator ♪
♪ I'm kicking ass
like Dale Archdale ♪
♪ Y'all the past,
we the future ♪
♪ Turning the lights
to see the winners ♪
♪ Who's that dude that got
the game on lock, man ♪
♪ Archdale, Archdale ♪
♪ Motherfucking Archdale ♪
♪ Who's that dude that run
the trailer park, man ♪
♪ Archdale, Archdale ♪
♪ Motherfucking Archdale ♪
♪ Who's that dude that
got the chicks on point ♪
♪ Archdale, Archdale ♪
♪ Motherfucking Archdale ♪
♪ Who's that dude that
just throw the last joint ♪
♪ Archdale, Archdale ♪
♪ Motherfucking Archdale ♪
Yeah!
I'm smoking blunts with two
of my main motherfuckers.
- Archdale.
- Dale Archdale
and motherfucking Ron Jeremy.
Very impressive.
Very fucking tasty, Archdale.
That shit better be good.
I didn't take off the
Tire Depot for nothing.
Mr. Fauxman.
Definitely a no.
Definitely a no.
Literally, oh shit.
Shit, I gotta go.
Wait, wait, wait, who won?
Archdale.
Hey, all right!
Yee!
Oh!
Pfff.
Oh yeah.
All right, ooh.
Yeah.
I could get used
to this shit, huh?
Eat it!
I knew that dickhead
was anorexic.
I don't know what
you pulled here
but you're finished!
No one takes my winnings!
My winnings, bitch.
Take your ass back
past go, pennybags.
He didn't win.
No, no, the fat guy won.
All of them?
Consider it done.
Dude, you have a
sperm on your neck.
Holy shit!
Yeah!
All right!
Yeah!
Where's that check!?
Come here, mama.
Let me get that check.
No, no, no
I can do it, hey.
- Let me get the damn check
- No, no, no you don't know
- how banks work!
- Rick!
You don't know how to do that.
I know how banks work.
I wanna cash it.
Dude, if you break it,
you won't be able
to cash it at all.
You gotta be careful
with that thing.
I'm fucking cashing
the damn check, Rick.
I know what I'm doing.
Psst, Dale.
Fuck you, talking bush.
Dale, over here.
What the hell?
The hell are you
doing down there?
You richies.
I need
your help, man.
I owe the Bambino
family a lot of money.
The hell do I care?
Man, help me
out, my dad cut me off.
How much?
50 grand.
If I don't pay them tonight,
they're gonna kill
me and my family.
Maybe yours too.
Oh that's pretty convenient,
I just won 50 grand,
now you're gonna
take it from me?
You're the one with
the Pauly D money!
They'll kill
you man, they're Italian.
That's what they
do in the mafia.
They know you're our neighbors,
they saw you win
that money today.
You're in just as much
trouble as we are.
Shit.
You get me involved.
Oh, that's nice.
Yeah?
Hey, gather everybody up.
Some heavy shit's going down.
Who is this?
What are you talking about?
Dale?
Dale, is this you?
Dale, we have to do things
like father and son.
I'm reading this book, it's
really quite interesting.
You know, we should go fishing,
go to play baseball, go bowling.
We have to build up a
relationship, you know, father-son.
Put Stanley on the phone.
Fine!
What up man?
Get all your weaponry.
It's time to go to work.
Yeah I got you.
♪ Get a glimpse of heaven
right here on earth ♪
♪ The material things I know ♪
Man let's do this shit!
Yeah.
♪ But I can't take it with me
when I'm back to the dirt ♪
♪ 'cause I come from the earth ♪
♪ I'm more concerned with word ♪
♪ Like the mighty mighty man ♪
♪ With the mighty mighty plan ♪
♪ Not the ice on my hand ♪
Hey.
You coming?
No, no.
I'm turning over a new leaf.
I have a son now.
I have to lead by example,
prove that I'm
really a good father,
it's very important to me.
And besides, no weaponry for me.
No, no weaponry.
Ooh, check please.
Just that weaponry.
Nothing wrong with that.
Oh, easy on the nipple,
they're chafing.
You sure screwed
the pooch on this one!
He had sex with a dog?
Shut up, Rick!
I can't believe you
got us messed up in this.
I can't believe that you got
the inbreds involved too!
Why couldn't
you just pay them?
You know all of my moneys
are tied up in that sale!
Greece is screwing my portfolio.
My Dow is effing my Nasdaq.
Why don't you
relax, all right?
Look, we ain't scared
of no fucking fight.
We ain't a bunch of bitches.
Hell yeah!
Yeah!
Shut up, Dad!
Go home.
God.
Yeah, what's your plan?
Shit, we got backup coming.
Yeah, who?
♪ You know that talk is cheap ♪
♪ Against the blood uprising ♪
♪ Gonna give them a chance ♪
♪ Before the fists
start flying ♪
♪ This ain't nobody
gonna stop this whinin ♪
♪ The somebody
better hit somebody ♪
This is proper
battle attire, yes?
We're fucked.
No shit, Fauxman.
Now look at the bind we're in.
You could have paid them off.
It would take 24 hours to
put together a deal like that!
It's for your own son.
Now we're all involved!
I just can't stand
all this waiting around!
I wish they'd just
show up already
so we can get all this
damn crap finished with!
I don't know about y'all.
But I can't wait to blow them.
Oh god, they're in the house.
Who cares?
This place is locked down
tighter than Fort fucking Knox!
The hell have you been?
Toilet was broke so I go
out back to make peepee.
Did you forget to
lock the damn door
when you came back in,
you fucking commie?
All right, nobody panic.
Uh, now you can panic.
Grr!
Stop it!
Go away, big mean bully.
biatch!
Thanks, baby.
I'll always love
you, honey bee.
Oh, come here, honey,
let's pollinate that flower.
What the?
Shit, oh!
You better have an army
if you're gonna come
in here with me!
Oh I got backup.
Kumbaya, motherfucker!
Looks like we're
having smores tonight.
Yup.
I still hate magicians.
Where's my money?
I don't have it.
Where the fuck did
you find a beer kit?
Wouldn't you like to know.
Goddamn, I love that broad.
Sorry, kid.
Whoah whoah,
whoah whoah whoah.
Listen here, pizza
bagels, I got an idea.
50k, we got it.
We give it to you, will
you leave them alone?
Yeah, of course.
All right.
Hey,
Let's go.
Hey, wait a minute.
Now that you got my money,
you gonna leave
them alone for good?
All right, cool.
Shitties.
Thank you, Dale.
Shit, you'd done
the same for me.
No.
No, I wouldn't, but
feel free to use my
shed anytime you want.
Good.
I got boogie boards
coming tomorrow.
It's nice.
But, how are we gonna pay
off that trailer park now?
Trailer park?
Yup.
I was gonna use that prize money
to win back our trailer park.
Do you mean that trailer park,
that piece of crap that's
down off of Vine street?
Yeah, if by piece of
crap you mean fucking gem.
You know, I work
for the company
that owns that property.
Let me put in a few calls, huh?
We'll see if we can
work something out.
Fucking A, all right, man.
All right, cool.
Man.
The guy's still a piece of,
you know, kind of
like a piece of shit.
But you know what,
you don't see a guy
that can really wear
an ascot anymore.
Nah, that's kind of
cool and respectable.
Get out of here.
Kinda smells like
Myrtle's cooking.
I miss that woman.
She your wife?
My fourth wife, actually.
She ran off with a Mexican.
I never ate a taco again.
You ever been married?
Yep.
It's bogus.
Here you go.
Are you kidding me?
Them things burned as shit.
Get them out of my face.
That's the way I like 'em.
I like my marshmallows
like I like my women.
Hot and black.
Go grab another
rack, Archdale.
Get your hand
off my damn grill.
I bought you the damn grill.
Hey, Mr. Fauxman.
Thank you so much for
selling me land deed.
And not closing us down.
No problem.
If you ever need car stereo
or some beautiful Persian pussy,
you let me know.
Thanks Serge.
Thanks, I'll keep it in mind.
He's a wild man.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
What the hell did I say?
No hitting people in the nuts.
Yeah.
And don't whine when we
don't get what we want.
Yeah, just be cooler, okay?
All right.
Get the hell out of here.
And don't be drinking
out of my yard cans.
That shit's for me.
God, that makes me so horny.
Whoah, whoah, whoah
baby, relax now.
Remember, snap your
little rubber band thingy.
Okay, right.
That's right.
That's good baby,
that's real good.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Oh god, don't touch me.
It just makes me hornier.
Well let it go,
baby, all right.
- Better?
- Yeah.
Yeah.
We'll wait.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Okay.
Hey Dale.
Hey.
Me and the old lady
here is getting hitched.
Well hell yeah.
She used to be
great in the sack.
All right!
Mmm, I remember that.
What's up?
Dale.
I'm a daddy!
I'm your daddy!
Your mama told me
that I'm your pappy.
The tests prove it.
Shit man.
So you're my mama, huh?
I guess so.
Man, those are some
nice tits, mommy, get some.
Ah, hey.
No shit.
So how'd you get the
money for the test?
I sold my sperm.
How'd you get the test done?
With your DNA.
How'd you get my DNA?
Those beautiful
lovely pubes you have.
Damn.
Shit, if you're my
daddy, that means,
Roy's my grandpa?
Well fucking A, right!
Right on.
All right, later, Dad.
Whoah, don't go!
Wait, wait, hold on.
We can play catch
together like father son.
Look, it says here
on the parenting book
that we can go fishing
together, boating, canoeing.
We can go camping
and we could sing
Christmas songs together.
It's in the book.
Sing Christmas songs?
♪ We three kings of orient are ♪
♪ Bearing gifts we travel afar ♪
♪ Field and fountain
moor and mountain ♪
♪ Following yonder star ♪
♪ Star ♪
♪ Following yonder star ♪
One more time.
♪ Following yonder star ♪
Just the men.
♪ Following yonder star ♪
Go ladies.
♪ Following yonder star ♪
The crew!
♪ Following yonder star ♪
Don't give up
your day jobs, crew.
I love you Dad.
Well hey.
Hey you.
Mhmm.
Thought you'd be taking the
midnight train somewhere.
No, I like it here.
It's right where I wanna be.
All right.
Come here, whip.
Walk with me, bitch.
Okay.
♪ He walked in the room ♪
♪ All heads turn around ♪
♪ A fire in his eyes ♪
♪ Footsteps hellbound ♪
♪ So lock up your liquor ♪
♪ And hide your wives ♪
♪ That man's too hot ♪
♪ Hear the neighbors cry ♪
♪ He's born a badass ♪
♪ And he'll die just the same ♪
♪ Take on the world ♪
♪ You'll remember the name ♪
♪ Dale Archdale ♪
♪ Some men work hard ♪
♪ Others live on luck ♪
♪ But this one's a hero ♪
♪ And he don't give a uh ♪
♪ Got a can of whoop ass ♪
♪ And he'll give
it to you rough ♪
♪ Just be careful ladies ♪
♪ You might fall in love ♪
♪ 'cause he's a born badass ♪
♪ And he'll die just the same ♪
♪ Take on the world ♪
♪ You'll remember the name ♪
♪ Dale Archdale ♪
♪ Oh Dale Archdale ♪
♪ Oh Dale Archdale ♪
♪ Mmm yeah oh Dale ♪
♪ Mmm ♪