Dale Archdale (2016) - full transcript

When Dale Archdale's trailer park shuts down, he is forced to move in with his ex wife at her free rental house in an upscale community. Dale manages to catch wind of a Chili Cook-off with enough prize money to save his beloved trailer park. However, he must face his snooty neighbors, an angry mob boss, and shenanigans from his inbred pack of hillbilly friends and family members along the way.

Yes.

Oh, hey!

He's calling me in.

Yeah, I'm

calling you in.

Oh come smear on me.

Damn, you

are gaping, come here,

- you piece of hairpie.

- Oh.

You like smelling all my holes?

Yeah, you're

flourishing down there.

It's like a bunch

of chopped ham.

Oh yeah?

My dick's harder than

Chinese arithmetic.

Oh.

Shit, it's the ole man.

Oh, care.

Well, you gotta hide.

Grr!

- Oh.

- Well, shit.

Jesus, where the

hell am I gonna hide?

Well, I don't care, just hide.

And not there.

Why not?

Oh, no.

Here man, come on, he ain't

gonna see if I get down.

I can still see you, dipshit.

In the closet, in the closet!

Hey!

Whose piece of

shit truck is that

and who the fuck

are you talking to?!

No one, Daddy.

Myself, I was fixing

to fix myself.

What are you doing home?

Well, I woke up

in the basement

at the poker game

and I was naked.

Oh, you poor thing,

why don't you come here?

Come here.

- Come here.

- Hmm, Mama.

Yee haw, woo!

Yee haw, yee, woohoo!

Oh yeah!

Oh, I play poker

naked too, grr.

You son of a bitch!

You mullet wearing motherfucker,

you come back here,

I'm gon kill you.

Don't go shooting,

you fucking jackass!

Ah,

come here, come on.

Ha, fuck you,

butterfly!

What do we have here?

Well, hey there, girly.

Fuck off, Dale.

Pff, love you too, you fine

piece of hairpie.

Yeah, yeah, come on.

Oh.

Yo man, what the shit?

Get out of here.

Can't you see I'm out

here balling with my boys?

You guys are my boys, right?

Sorry, Stanley.

Yo, man, how many times I

gotta tell you it's $-Money?

And the S is like a dollar

sign, that shit's gangsta.

Shut up, ya honkey.

Stanley,

dinner's ready!

Ma, can't you see

I'm talkin' to my boy

Arch Dickey Dickey Dale.

But I made mac and cheese.

Yo, your Mom's mac

and cheese is da bomb!

Yo, ask your Mom if she

use that paprika, son!

Man, shut up.

Hey, Mom, did you

use the paprika?

Of course I used

paprika, sugar bear!

Stanley just loves me.

Deuces, bitch!

What?

Hey!

Easy there, Space Race.

No, I will not take it easy!

You owe me four months rent,

you hillbilly piece of shit!

And don't think I don't know

what you're doing in there

with all those koochey,

koochey boom booms.

I cut you break

expecting hot oil action,

but you no call Sergey.

That's it, you're oot!

Oot?

Oot!

Oot, oot?

Oot!

Oot?

Oot!

I don't know your space

terms, all right, relax.

Shit, you'll get your rent.

Put your ball away, man.

Assholes.

Oh, hey pretty lady.

What, what, you want

to go spring break?

You want to have

spring break with me?

I can give free rent, you know.

I have the power!

Damn you, three-legged

street dog!

Quiet up in there,

Alphonso, you meaty Mexican.

The fuck do you want?

Man, what the fuck do

you want, man, I'm busy.

Why are you

drinking baby beer?

Why the fuck wouldn't I be?

Can I borrow some money?

No, what do you want it for?

This chick that Holmes

and I used to tag team

is claiming I'm the

father of one of her kids.

So I wanna take a DNA

test to prove to her

that I'm not!

Come here Angel, come say hi.

Hi, Ron.

Angel, Dale.

Dale, Angel.

Hi Dale.

Nice to meet you, you

have a nice set of tits.

I'm still not gonna help you,

I don't have any cash.

Dale, I'm not

ready to be a father, come on.

Then fucking

wear a rubber, man.

They don't make

them big enough.

Damn right they

don't.

Then wear a fucking

trash bag, later.

What are you doing?

You can't leave now!

Hey, Dale!

Open up the door, we

gotta talk some more!

Dale, come on,

this is ridiculous.

I'm the hedgehog

for god's sakes.

Dale!

Hey, Alphonso,

you meaty Mexican.

Eat up, fuckface.

Come on, you need your fat.

I can't wait for some

squirrel dumpling.

Your cousin was great.

Fucker.

Oh shit, whatever.

Dale.

Brenda is divorcing me.

I don't wanna be

alone right now.

I'm gonna do it this time, Dale.

I feel it, man.

But I wanna get drunk first.

- Jesus, Rick.

- Meet me at the Rusty Nail

tonight for some drinks.

Sources report that the

infamous Bambino crime family

has been linked to the

disappearances of local bookies.

Coming up next, having

the hardest time

figuring out what

sort of costume

to put on your

little furry friend?

Our pet costume

expert Dolores Dolores

will be here to discuss

the hottest trends

in the pet Halloween industry.

I'm Hank Stuckey and

we're First at Four.

Dale?

Dale, you son of a bitch,

I know you're in there.

I could smell ya.

Dale?!

And answer the damn

door, you piece of shit!

Christ, stop

pounding, you dumb bitch!

Damn earthquake

strap's coming loose.

Where's my child support,

you fucking deadbeat?

Pff!

Not today!

Christ.

That's what

you said about the condom

and look what happened.

Hey!

Get out of the car and

say hi to your pappy.

What the hell do

you keep them trunked up for?

Don't tell me

what to do with my kids.

They're my

kids too, ya homegrown.

Yeah you think.

Shit.

Hey Pa, guess what?

Sup?

I got me my first

piece of hairpie.

Right on, Bill Junior.

How about you, Junior?

Women ain't

nothing but a hassle.

They take all of your money.

Pff, that's right.

Hey, now all right,

now go play with

them damn beer cans!

Hey!

And your little brother!

Come on, man.

And the baby.

- Pff.

- Dumbass.

I don't even know

why I feed you.

Who the hell is this dick?

Dale, it's me.

Your brother?

Archie!

Shit, Arch,

I didn't recognize you

without no bushy mustache.

Oh, you know I got

a promotion down there

at the Tire Depot.

Good.

That mustache made you

look like a Mexican.

Say what?

Look, what the hell

you guys doing here?

We came to pick up

Renee's convertible

before we go on staycation.

God I can't wait

to go to the hideaway

and get away from you dumbasses.

The shit is a hideaway?

And staycation, what the

fuck you talking about?

Well Archie

won salesman of the year.

You remember Maribeth?

No.

Maribeth, the bitch

who ran the train.

Train out at Lane School.

I remember that fat bitch.

She worked down at the shop.

I keep her all frothy,

she rang up all her

sales under my number.

I still got it, bro.

And this is our prize.

We get to stay here

for two whole weeks.

Well whoop dee

fucking doo, Renee.

I don't give a shit.

Hey!

What the hell did I say?

Not near the damn trailer!

Don't be getting cuts on

them fingers of yours,

I ain't paying for

no tetanus shots.

Look, I ain't

got time for this.

I still gotta drop that

stupid baby off at Crystal's

before the Nascar party.

Pfff.

Get in the car.

You little fucking shits.

Bye, Pa.

Fuck you, Dale.

Now get the hell

off my property.

Hey, quit moving

around back there,

you're gonna get footprints

all over my fuckin' interior!

Shut up!

Bunch of assholes.

Can you put some

of this on my back?

I can't reach.

Of course.

Hey, Dale.

What's up, Brittany?

Hi, Dale.

Hey Dale.

Dammit, Ronnie, put

that shit away, man.

Nobody needs to

see that right now!

Dammit, boy, give

me 25 jumping jacks!

Sir, yes sir.

Archdale!

Treachery's afoot.

Word of our enemies

has reached my ears.

What?

He's right, Dale.

Momma said we might

lose the trailer park.

I hear if Serge

can't get 50 grand,

he'll lose it all.

Pff!

This ain't gonna happen,

we ain't goin nowhere.

I like your

confidence, Archdale.

Would you like to join

us in our quarters

for some food rations?

We're having chick

pea with sweet corn pate

and mango salsa.

What the hell's the

matter with you, boy?

We're having steakums!

Ooh.

I do enjoy a piece

of meat in my mouth

every now and then.

- Me too.

- Me three.

Dammit boy, get inside!

Hut-two, hut-two, hut-two!

Yeah you got some nice tits.

Thank you.

Shit.

Sup?

She's divorcing me, Dale.

Good, 'cause I hate

that bitch.

Shit.

I just wanna go crazy.

Let's drive to Williamsburg

and just throw down!

Sounds like a bad idea.

The fuck?

Shit, man!

The hell?

That magician just

do a live bar trick?

Dammit, Dale.

Can't you even try to say

something to cheer me up?

Like tell me a

joke or something.

All right, fuck.

All right man, what

do you call them

liquor bottles over there?

Racist.

Shit, man, elixir.

Look at that little hussy, huh?

She pretty hot.

Don't give her your rape

face, dude, Jesus man.

Chicks don't wanna

see that shit!

It's just my

regular face, Dale.

Besides I'm kinda taking

mental pictures for later.

Yeah, I heard

you, fair enough.

All right, what about

that chick right there?

Oh, I don't know.

She kind of got a

front butt, you know?

Who cares?

So what, the bitch

is scrimmage then

for the big games, right?

I mean shit, I'd rather

take a hot chick that's sexy

and fucking fat

than a skinny chick

who's uncoordinated any day.

Thank you.

Oh, thank you.

And thank you.

Wow.

Shit man, why don't

you go bark at her?

All right.

Come on, all right.

Damn fuck man, goddamn Rick.

Sloppy shit, man.

Oh hell no.

I hate magicians.

I wanna see him pull

a rabbit from a hat

rearry, rearry bad.

Excuse me miss, I'm

not thirsty anymore.

Can I please get a refund for

the rest of this cocktail?

Oh shit.

Fuck.

What the?

Why is the lock not working?

Down my locker, there.

The fuck, man?

Sorry, Dale.

I not come up with money

to keep trailer park.

Everybody have till end of month

to get the fuck out!

Oooh!

Fuck man, it's

like two weeks away, bro.

I have Russian

love bride coming.

We need special place

to make the sex.

Come, now!

I reckon I'd fuck that, yep.

I'll be right back.

Oh, fuck.

Shit am I gonna go?

Moving on up, huh?

What the shit

is he doing here?

You're not ruining my vacation.

I don't care.

I gotta agree with Renee.

This is supposed to

be our staycation.

Oh it makes me so

hot the way you say

that staycation shit.

Jesus, you two.

What the hell?

Hey, stop

pounding on my car!

Stop pounding on my momma!

We wanted some alone time.

Me and Archie are trying

to make more babies.

You can't get pregnant!

You're already pregnant, bitch!

Well I gotta keep

icing that cake,

make sure it turns out

my flavor this time.

Shut up, you dumb shits.

You ain't smart!

Oh yeah, right there, oh.

God damn, that makes me sick.

Jesus Christ!

I can't stop looking at it.

Ah, shit, I'm getting a boner.

Ah god, stop doing that shit!

The hell is that noise?

Lou's redoing

the summer cottage.

Lou?

Lou's redoing the

summer cottage?

Lou's?

All he does is rent out

to dirtbag shitwhores

all summer long!

And I have to listen

to it all goddamn day!

Well this will be the last pass

of those sausages

at breakfast ever!

I swear to God, mark my words!

Hello.

Hello, excuse me, hi.

Hello, hi.

I'm Ginger and that's

my house right there.

Give it to me hard!

Mmm, hey you little lion you.

Rarr.

Why thank you.

Yeah, mmm-mmm.

So you folks staying here?

Something like that.

Are those yours?

You want them to be?

Well maybe you

should let them out.

Maybe you should put on a

little foreign bathing suit

and walk around with

some fuck me boots.

Gonna have me a good

vacation, mmm-mmm-mmm.

A lot of pussy.

Rick, what the hell

are you doing here?

She kicked me out.

Shit, now it's a party.

Fucking right, come on,

help me get some of

this shit out the truck!

Come on, hurry up.

Come here.

Come on boy, come on.

What in the hell are you...

Fuck, come on!

Look, you can't just

put your stuff in here.

This is my shed!

That's funny

'cause Lou told me

I'd get half this fucker.

And who the hell are you?

Who the hell are you?

I'm the owner of this shed!

Oh you must be

pretty proud and shit,

you know, 'cause you own a shed.

Your kind is not welcome here.

Pfff.

Stop that!

Look, right now!

Just, why don't you take

your Appalachian ass

out of here, and get,

oh god!

What did you say?

This is highly inappropriate.

This is a shared shed!

You asshole!

Why don't you just,

oh goddammit!

Look, just, I would

very much appreciate it

if you just kept

some of your shit

on that side of the shed!

Fine!

Rick, get in here!

This asshole's annoying me.

Excuse me.

Pfff.

Hey, get up something.

Help out, go hurry up,

pick that shit up.

You move it, I ain't moving it.

Hey.

You like Richard Petty, man?

I have no idea who

Richard Petty is.

Pff.

He's like,

- Jesus.

- Like Jesus and shit, man.

Don't think that

this'll be the last time

you see me.

I've dealt with your

kind before, okay?

And don't think that I won't

call the POA on both of you!

Whatever, you dink.

Pff, that guy.

He'll be an issue

probably, I reckon.

What's the POS?

I ain't eating that shit.

Eat your damn sammich.

I don't know

Renee, he's right.

It's our first night

on staycation, girl.

We should go have

ourselves a fancy supper.

All right, well.

If we're going to

a fancy eatery,

that means we need

to dress to kill.

And Archie, that means

you're wearing deodorant.

The hell I am.

You know that'll mess up

my natural pheromones,

keep you all hot and bothered.

Yeah, the neighbors

have already complained

about the smell.

You're wearing deodorant.

We'll see about that.

No!

Jesus Christ, Rick!

Sorry, Dale.

I've been so lonely.

Daggone, man.

Excuse me?

There are six of us.

Follow me.

Good evening.

I am Alberto.

I will be your

server for tonight.

Alberto.

Shouldn't you be in the

back washing dishes?

I am Italiano.

And even if I were Hispanic,

that stereotype

is both offensive

- and inaccurate.

- Whatever!

Just get me a fried

baloney sammich.

Yeah, I'll take some

eggs and spam, runny.

And bring me some grits

like that fella over there

but don't put any

fucking shrimp in it.

That's just fucking gross.

And I'll take a ham

and cheese hot pocket.

Oh come on now Ma, this

is a fancy restaurant.

You're right.

I'll take a Mesquite

barbecue chicken Hot Pocket.

Right.

We have none of those things.

We'll take sketti.

Yeah.

Sketti.

Sketti, sketti, sketti, sketti.

And what will that

gentleman be having?

Shit, I don't know.

Give him sketti too.

Whatever, fuck man.

Where the fuck is Rick?

Probably

rubbing one out.

Hey Paco, I'll take a PBR!

Great merciful holy moly!

The toilet!

It knows!

These is magic toilets!

Out, spirit!

Who's in there?

That one ain't gonna do.

And then money for nothing?

And with checks for,

are you the keeper of this

here enchanted craphole?

Yes.

And give me that money

and get out of here!

I'm sorry, Doctor,

I thought it was...

Get out!

Fine.

I don't want no part of

your brave new world,

with your mechanical monsters

watching me take a shit!

I just poop in the hole

like a normal person!

Flutter.

Hurricane Dale.

This place sucks.

Roadkill's better.

No shit.

And which one of

you classy individuals

will be picking up

the bill tonight?

Dine and dash?

I'm just kidding, Jose.

Credit card roulette.

Ooh yeah!

Credit card roulette!

You

coming, get in there.

Credit card roulette.

Pick a card, any card.

Yeah.

Come on Rick, get

your ass in here.

Well, Dale, I

ain't got no plastic.

Jesus, man, you're 40.

Little man, we know

you got one, pull it out.

Where

did you get that?

From your momma!

Yeah!

- Oh yeah.

- Yeah.

Suck it, Arch!

Shit.

Mildred!

Have you seen my Mildred?

Huh?

Mildred, my hot wife.

I think she's out here.

Yeah she's hot?

What's she look like?

The finest piece of

ass you've ever seen.

All right, shit,

let's go find her, man.

- Shit.

- I know she's out here

- somewhere.

- Hey, Grampa!

Oh.

You.

Yeah me.

What the hell are

you doing in my shed?!

Shit man, get

used to it, Jeeves.

This shit's ours the

next two weeks, pal.

I'm not your pal, you putz.

I'm not you putz, you dink.

I'm not your

dink, you indigent!

I'm not your

indigent, you

I'm not your

, oh goddamit!

Lipman!

Get my father out

of the rain barrell!

Yes, sir.

Come on Grampa.

Ooh!

Get off me, Mildred!

Ah, come on.

People are fucking weird.

Yup.

Dang, Dale.

What can't you do?

Well, I can't fart and

sneeze at the same time

'cause it hurts my asshole.

That's about it.

Yup.

Nothing's going my way, bud.

Got no wife, got no

job, got no house.

Got no kids.

Got no dog.

Got no fish!

Shit, Rick.

No one's gonna clean

up your shit for you.

You gotta clean

up your own shit.

And put a fucking

split shot on already!

Hey, hey!

Hey, I got one.

Hey!

Look at that!

Thanks, Dale.

Shit, Rick, this

ain't Steel Magnolias.

I ain't fucking Julia Roberts.

Hmm?

Oh, this should be good.

Fucking richies.

Easy, easy.

You'll get your money.

Braxton?!

What's with all the racket?

Your mom and I are

trying to watch Fox News!

Nothing, Dad.

Everything's fine.

It doesn't sound like nothing.

Hey!

You've been gambling

again, haven't you?

I learned it from you, Dad.

I learned it from watching you!

Shut your mouth!

I have

it under control!

Oh, apparently not!

Then help me out.

Please, just one more time.

I can't, all right?

What you doin', Dale?

Shut the fuck up, Rick!

Get down here, man,

they're gonna see you.

I ain't getting in that bush.

Why the fuck not, man?

Come on.

Well I reckon

that's where all

of them ticks come from.

What ticks, man?

Well, the ones

on your face, Dale.

I got ticks on my face?

Yeah.

A lot.

I got ticks on my face!

Oh shit, man, go get the

pliers man, get the pliers!

Oh fuck.

God!

Gynecomastia, or

what is commonly known

as man boobs, is a growing

problem in America.

I mean look at this fat fucker.

Pff, don't listen

to him, boys.

Fuckin sellout.

Come on down to

the Moist Grille

and try our Hillbilly

Chicken Wang Challenge!

Ching Chang Chong, go eat

through all the wangs,

get yourself some free grub.

Dat'z wazzup!

Yeehoo!

Do you

like to have fun?

Yeah.

Do

you like good food?

Yeah, why not?

Do you

like cash prizes?

Fucking right!

Well

then, come on down

to the 10th annual

Figure Eight Island

Chili Cook Off!

It'll be the most fun you

can have with a spoon.

Don't believe me?

Just ask Aaron Richmond,

star of the hit cooking

channel show, Man Versus Meat.

I'm Aaron Richmond,

and I wanna put what

you got in my mouth.

So come on down

to the 10th annual

Figure Eight Island

Chili Cook Off.

For the small entry

fee of 250 dollars

you can enter your chili recipe

for a chance to win the

grand prize of $50,000.

Rick!

Rick!

Hey, shit man, put

your shit away, dude.

The hell's the

matter with you, man?

Come on,

you know I'm lonely.

God's sake, so

you're beating off

to the damn Williams sisters!

I just like the

noises they make

when they hit that ball.

God and they got legs

like Clydesdales!

Man, you fucked.

Hey listen, I just saw

a commercial on TV,

50 Gs for whoever wins

this chili cookoff thing.

We could win back the

trailer park, man!

What the hell do we

know about cooking chili?

Shit if I know.

But remember Pablo, that Mexican

guy from the trailer park?

No.

You remember?

Like he had a

weird ear and shit?

Oh Pablo, the weird ear guy.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah dude, he used to

steal my electricity one day.

I saw him, he was cooking chili.

Fuck man, he showed me

some shit, it's easy.

Listen, we're going shopping.

We're gonna win this shit.

I don't know, Dale.

Hey.

Get you a new catch rag.

Yeah?

Yeah.

All right, let's go.

Oh well, hey.

We'll wait till your boner

- goes down.

- Oh yeah.

All right.

Yeah, we better wait.

Goddamit, Junior,

you made me fucking blink.

Come on, Rick.

Hey Pa.

Pff.

All right, grab some of

them beans over there, man.

I like those pinto beans.

They make me feel

poor like beaner.

Man, this shit's expensive, man.

I reckon we can't buy

too much of this shit.

Hey, this here'll

make you feel rich.

Oh, shit, Two Buck Chuck?

That'll make a man feel rich.

You know, any wine will

make a man feel rich.

Hell yeah it will.

Grab a bunch of that shit.

Look at these stupid

ass nut thins and shit.

Fuck all that shit.

- Ow, shit!

- Oh!

Oh, hey there, cutie pie.

I'm so sorry about that.

Hey, that's all right.

Hey, aren't you the chili

princess from the television?

Yeah, well I prefer

to be called Tori.

Oh yes you do,

okay, all right.

Daggone, well I'm Dale Archdale.

A bit of a chili

sensei, if I might add.

Oh right on, Dale Archdale.

Yeah.

Hey, is that a pink

Member's Only jacket?

Yeah, why the

hell wouldn't it be?

Well all right.

All right,

well I guess I'll be

seeing you soon, Dale Archdale.

Yes you will, chili princess.

Sweet, sweet chili princess.

Damn, bitch would

cause divorces.

Oh, oh my god!

What, you ain't

ever seen a kid

squirt shit into

his mouth before?

Pff!

Dumb bitch.

What's up?

Hey, grab some salsa, all right?

I like when it's warm and store

bought and shit, all right,

but I don't want it

going in the fridge

'cause once it's cold

it tastes like shit.

All right.

Hi, Mr. Fauxman.

Hi.

Yeah, evening, Fauxman.

Hi.

Mr. Fauxman.

Is there anything I can do

to accommodate you today?

Nope, no, we're fine.

My wife and I are going

to enjoy a bonding evening

so no we're good, thanks.

Well, just let us know

if you need anything

at all, okay?

No, we're fine.

Okay.

Whatever, give me this shit!

Excuse me, ugh.

It's you.

Fucking right it's me, richie.

Hey, hey.

Is there a problem

here, Mr. Fauxman?

Yes.

This fongool has taken my sauce.

I ain't giving it back

'cause I'm using this shit

for my own chili.

Hah!

Are you kidding me?

Yup.

So you've decided to

make this your home?

I gotta tell you, hillbilly.

This chili cookoff

isn't for townies.

Besides, we win every year.

Well, I just got done

smoking all my resin

so I reckon I'll be

smoking you next.

Please.

You can't even

afford the entry fee.

Dale Archdale!

Hurry your ass up, you hear?

Shut up, bitch!

God!

Dale Archdale?

What the hell kind

of name is that, sir?

I don't know, it's

better than Fauxman.

I mean your name is Fucks Men.

Later!

Dick.

I got an idea.

What?

We're gonna have a

party and charge people.

No one's gonna pay

to party with us, Dale.

Shit, yeah they will.

They will!

Ooh yes.

They will.

Oh, this is gonna be fun.

Man, Dale, I can't believe

you got them all to show up.

You know, who'd thought

that telling a bunch

of hilljacks that Kenny G is

playing for 10 bucks a head

would get them to come

out like this, huh?

Hey, how are?

Did you see?

Pretty girl.

I love Kenny G.

I hope he plays Auld Lang Syne.

Uh huh, me too.

You know, I heard you

are only supposed to take

two and a half hours

worth of energy at a time.

Uh huh, mhmm.

Two and a half hours.

Look man, this is a great party.

You know what, I bet

some chips and salsa

would be really nice,

don't you think?

I'ma get some.

Sounds

good, I'll see you later.

Yeah!

Oh, it's a party!

No way I know you.

- Hey, Brittany, Brandy!

- Hi, Dale.

Yeah.

Mmm, you two, who's

getting naked first, huh?

Get on my water bed later.

Hey, Dale!

Hey, Serge!

Come on in, you're all right.

How much we'll see

this time around, eh?

Sergeant Dale!

Captain, General,

Lieutenant, soldier.

Hey Dale,

I must be late.

Somebody already bust

their nuts all over you?

Go away, Ronnie.

Go away, get outta here, Ronnie!

Yo, yo,

yo, what up Dale?

Yeah yeah.

Up in here,

- yeah yeah!

- Yeah, let me holla at you.

It's getting worse and worse.

Where's the chicks at?

What the hell are

you supposed to be?

I'm a member of

the Bambino family.

Let me get this straight.

You're in a costume

mocking a mob boss

for a family that's

still around here?

Trade me costumes?

No.

How are you doing?

Well.

This morning I had to fight

a little Filipino woman.

She came up to me and said

she was gonna have a

double kidney transplant

on the 15th of next month

and she wanted the day off.

Well I said no.

That's the day of my big party.

I need you there.

Well she insisted and insisted.

So finally I looked

her in the eye

and I said Pekpek,

you cunt, you cunt!

And then she slapped me.

I couldn't tell if he had

any black in him or not!

So I just didn't tip him!

Dammit!

Goddammit!

Yeah!

Woohoo!

Just what the hell do you

think you're doing here?!

Grrr!

You got a permit?

'Cause I'll call the sheriff.

He's here with me somewhere.

The hell are you

doing at my party?

I reckon he's

trespassing, Dale.

I am not!

You don't even

have a costume on.

The fuck are you supposed to be?

I am a Republican!

God, this guy's pathetic!

Fine, go.

Have a drink.

No, thank you.

Take it.

Yeah, drink up!

Shit, man, this salsa cold.

Shit done damn near been

in the fucking fridge.

What?

Ain't nobody got time

for no cold ass salsa.

Shit needs to be lukewarm!

That's what's up.

Damn!

There's a lot of fly

honeys up in here tonight!

Mmm, a lot of fly hunkies too.

Let's go wildcats!

Well well well.

Well hey there pretty

little sweet thing.

Hello.

Look at this

pretty little piece

of hairpie baked

up in front of me.

It's Abigail,

Fauxman's daughter.

God.

You're hot.

Come on.

Don't tell me you're afraid

of a little gun shooting.

Well, I've never

seen a gun before.

Come with me.

Mmm!

Oh!

That

is some good shit.

You chug like my grandmother!

Drink, drink, little maggot!

Right!

Ew.

Who took all the

watermelon ones?

Fuck you, you

white son of a bitch!

I love lollipops!

When the fuck is

Kenny G coming out, yo?

Man my brother Facebook

said David Foster

was playing this shit.

That's some false

advertising, yo.

You bet I'm gonna

report this shit

to the Better Business

Bureau, motherfucker.

Report that shit, dawg!

I'd sure like a

delicious lollipop.

Pussy.

Oh, hey there.

What you doing?

Oh.

How many licks

is it gonna take

till you taste the rainbow?

I didn't know.

It's all right, don't be shy.

We got a bottle of wine

to lose our inhibitions.

I quit drinking.

Oh,

come on, sunshine.

I'm looking for Braxton.

I have no idea

what you just said.

You sound like a Bassett Hound.

Huh?

I can't understand you either.

He said what do

you want, you wop?

Hey, take it easy,

- fag.

- Yeah!

Hey, yo!

- Bye, Felicia.

- Oh, what the fuck?!

You the boss?

Fucking no-neck crew.

Chew.

Gimme that, man.

Smoke that.

Looking for somebody, huh?

I'm looking for Braxton.

Mr. Bambino would like to

have a few words with him.

Does this look like a party

where there's a Braxton?

I mean come on.

Do we look like

we're fucking serving

caviar over here, bro?

All right, I mean maybe Cletus.

We got Cletus over there.

Hey let's chug.

Let's do it.

All right, ready go.

Cheers.

Come on.

He's not here.

Hey wait.

What do you guys do

with the horse's body

after you guys dispose

of the head?

Here.

They're gone now

there, Warren Buffett.

Thank god.

Cookies, cookies.

Hi, Stanley.

God, Ma!

Leave me alone.

Oh wassup, my niggas!?

Did I just see a

gang of Levar Burtons?

Looks like Reading

Rainbow just got gangster.

Oh hey there, chili

queen of the Nile.

I knew

you couldn't resist.

Oh I'm actually

looking for Mr. Fauxman.

I came to drop off

his registration form

for the Chili Cook Off.

Better give me one

of those too, huh?

What time am I

coming over tomorrow?

Tomorrow?

I figured you wanna

cook me some grub

but you was too shy to ask.

All right, hotshot.

All right, here's my address.

Be there at eight?

Yeah I'll be there at eight.

If you're lucky I'll

bring my nipple blaster.

Oh my gosh.

It's got these three speeds.

Scream.

What the shit?

Oh my goodness.

Not again, Ginger!

Get your coat.

Sweet Robin

Leach, it's you!

Hi, Daddy.

All of you, get out!

Get outta here!

Rick?

But, we're just talking.

I got this little

thing in my trunk,

it's a blow up mattress.

I could bring it over, maybe.

You're going down, Archdale.

What a joke.

Yeah.

Oh, I gotta make

a few more stops.

But I'll see you tomorrow?

Right on.

I got a date.

Hello, baby fork.

Oh, shit, you are hungry.

Fucking right.

I'll go get some more.

You make yourself at home, okay?

- All right.

- Okay.

Goddamn, that ass.

Yo, yo, yo, yo!

You must be Dale.

Raise the roof, D.

Yeah, raise the roof?

Right, raise the roof.

The roof,

- the roof,

- Oh yeah.

- The roof is on fire.

- Oh yeah.

Uh, no, don't drink wine.

Wine is wiggity wiggity whack!

Here's some warming jelly

in case you kids wanna

get jiggy with it tonight.

Oh, yeah Frank,

- getting jiggy with it, huh?

- Remember those days.

Oh yeah, na na na.

♪ Na na na na na na na ♪

Shake it.

♪ Na na na na na na ♪

Shake it baby.

♪ Na na na na na na na ♪

♪ Na na na na na na ♪

♪ Na na na na na na na ♪

♪ Na na na na na na ♪

Your parents definitely

get it, they're funny.

Yeah, funny.

They're funny as shit.

Thanks.

Doggone, you're looking

good in that, honey,

little piece of hairpie.

Thank you.

Why don't you tell me a

little about yourself, huh?

Well there's not much to tell.

I'm just a small town girl.

Sometimes I just

feel like I'm living

in this lonely world.

Do you ever just wanna,

Kind of go on a

permanent vacation?

Yeah.

It's what I do.

I live where they

made Dawson's Creek.

I'm always on vacation.

- What the?

- Oh shit.

Oh boy.

Dinner was almost ready.

Shit.

Why don't you put on

your Sunday's best,

let's go out to eat, huh?

Yeah?

Yeah.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

Well where do you wanna go?

Olive park.

Shit,

I love Olive Park.

- Let's go to Olive Park.

- Yeah?

Get some fucking bread sticks?

Yup.

What's up?

Well don't you two look nice.

Shit yeah, I

mean it is the Olive Park.

Yeah but you don't

have to dress up

to come here anymore.

What?

Shit.

Hey, Pico!

I knew

you recognize me.

What are you doing here?

Oh, it's you.

Yeah it's me.

You guys got any mild

sauce today and shit

to put on those

enchiladas?

Mmm, I'm going

on my break now.

Look at you, sleepy.

I think we request Pico.

Ooh wee!

Yeah, Crystal, what's up, girl?

Hey, Dale!

Yeah, mmm.

Gotta love the Olive

Park, you know.

Yeah, all right.

Ginger, I can't

find the chili powder!

It's in the cabinet, dear.

Above the stove.

It's not in the cabinet.

All right, I'm

going to the store.

Okay.

Take Handsome with you.

Fine, dear.

Come here, Handsome.

Yes, you're so sweet, come on.

So what's

up with your parents?

Well, they adopted

a baby from Africa.

I don't know, they

try to act ethnic

because they think it'll

make them cool parents.

You know, I don't know.

I think that they

just want for Keyshawn

to get older and kind of

be amongst his own people.

You know, his own tribe,

tribal community thing

so you know, I don't know.

They've always just

been into that whole

fricking sub-culture.

We've actually been working on

learning their

language together.

That means hello

in where he's from.

Oh my god, I'm scaring

you off, aren't I?

No, shit makes sense.

I love fucked up

broads like you.

Hey, Waco.

I take it you'll be playing

credit card roulette again?

I take it you're

very good at sleeping?

Charming.

Pff.

Fuck you.

I had a really

great time tonight.

Me too.

Mind if I finger bang

you with my mouth?

Yeah.

Okay.

Fucking right.

Stop!

Hammertime!

♪ Whoah ♪

♪ Oh oh oh ♪

Oh, Frankie, honey.

Are you okay?

Ah, it's that old

pop-locking injury again.

Come on, come on.

Mom, Dad, you're

embarrassing me!

Jesus!

God!

Oh well all right.

You're here.

Great, why?

You don't work here anymore.

Huh, why?

Well as a member of

the Chili Cook Off team,

it's imperative that

you remain impartial.

After what you did last

night with a contestant,

it makes it impossible for you

to carry out those duties.

So supple.

I tell you what.

I think there's other

arrangements that could be made.

Oh my god.

Nice ass.

If we weren't married.

Right, right.

If we weren't

married, of course.

I'm paying you.

Get back to work!

Yes, sir.

This is how I'll stare

at them the whole night.

I swear to god, for

like seven hours, bro,

I was like.

What?

Do you have snot coming

out of your mouth too?

Fuck.

Hey babe, what's up?

Fauxman saw us kiss.

He got me fired.

Ah, shit, you all right babe?

Come here.

I'm sorry, Dale.

My mama warned me about this.

She told me I was living

in a gangster's paradise.

She told me not to go

chasing waterfalls.

Why the hell is this my fault?

I didn't do anything.

You were too legit, Dale.

Too legit to quit.

What does that mean?

You can't touch this.

Come on, baby!

Could be!

We ain't doing the chili?

No!

Shit!

What you gonna do now, Dale?

Her heart has turned

to ice, ice, baby.

Well I ain't going after her.

I'm out of shape.

Shit, I don't know.

I guess I'll get her

her job back, huh?

Figure that out.

Get her her job back?

How in the name of

a whispering stream

cutting through a mountain range

under a deep blue sky

near a happy little tree

of a Bob Ross painting

are you gonna do that?

Richmond!

Mr. Richmond!

Oh, oh.

I want what I have

in your mouth.

In your mouth.

Here.

Sign these.

Richmond!

Oh, I wanna hit that.

Richmond!

You gotta get Tori her job back.

I have no idea who

you're talking about.

Nor do I care.

She's a hot

little piece of ass

that works here, I don't know.

Lipman got her fired

and she didn't do shit.

Sorry buddy, not my problem.

Shit, you couldn't get her

job back if you wanted to.

You're a little

bitch boy of Lipman.

Hey.

What?

Of course I can

get her job back.

I'm Aaron fucking Richmond!

Problem is, not only

do I have no desire

of helping that fine

piece of ass Tori.

I think I might tap that.

You just said two seconds ago

you didn't know who she was.

Now you know her?

Oh, but don't I?

I always do, bitch.

Shit, all right I got an idea.

What's up?

You're a little

firecracker, you know?

All right look it, there's a

Chicken Wang eating challenge

at the Moist grill.

If I win, you get

Tori her job back.

Unless you're too scared.

Aaron Richmond fears no food.

Unless it's footlong hotdogs.

They make me uncomfortable.

What do I make out of it?

Is that your truck?

Yeah.

Tell you what.

You beat me, I get

Tori her job back.

But if I win, I get your

truck and your girl.

All right man, you got a deal.

Okay, fellas.

The Hillbilly Chicken

Wang Challenge.

The first one to eat

and complete wins.

Everyone understand?

Three, two, one.

Dominate your chicken wing!

Is it fun being like

a reality show star

instead of like a real actor?

White people.

Hey, Aaron, look at these!

Woo!

Dale, your last bite!

Winner!

I put all of you in the

poor house.

And why not?

I'm Fauxman!

Tori's back in.

What?

Richman let Tori back in.

Well, we've gotta

put a stop to this.

Archdale can't win.

We can't.

Richman's our biggest draw.

If we lose him, the

Chili Cook Off won't go.

We've got to do

something about this!

And fast!

The Chili Cook Off is tomorrow!

I have an idea.

I do like your ideas.

Do you, really?

Yes indeed.

Yes indeed?

Yes indeed, yes indeed,

yes indeed, yes indeed.

Why you fucker!

Dick.

Chili princess returns.

I knew you couldn't resist.

Fuck Fauxman, you guys.

Yeah?

Yeah, let's get 'em.

How'd you find out?

Rick called me.

Rick?

Dale, a girl like

this is more than just

an awesome high and perky rack

and an ass that won't quit.

I know, that ass won't quit.

It's special.

You feel it here.

Yeah.

- I feel it too.

- Not just down here.

Well a lot down there.

But here.

And I know that

I'll find somebody.

I'll find somebody.

You will, Rick.

But you found yours.

This is yours!

I know, she hot.

Come here, Rick, I love

you, come here, Rick.

I was like, fuck you, stoplight,

I pay taxes on my unemployment.

Fuck that shit, dude.

- All right.

- Fuck.

Oh, no.

It's bad, I'm sorry.

Fuck man, that shit

taste like shit, Rick.

That's bad, dude.

Come on man.

I'm sorry.

Mind if I grab that ass?

No.

God damn.

I've been working

out.

Dale.

You are something else.

All right, all right.

Now try.

Holy shit!

That's it.

That's great!

- Yes!

- That's it!

Fuck yes!

I love it Rick!

I love it!

Yes!

This is the chili that

will win the contest.

Sorry, we have to take

your chili for inspection.

The shit?

Yeah.

According to like,

bylaw two or something,

any contestant operating

with a former member

of the chili contest, we

gotta inspect the chili, yeah.

Hey, forget about it.

It'll be waiting for you

back at the contest, yeah.

The shit, man?

This ain't good.

All right, listen, Rick,

stick with the chili, man.

I don't trust these rich fucks.

Tori, let's go get drunk.

The rest of you shits I

don't give a shit about.

Let's go, baby.

Hey, can you tell

me if these are ripe?

They feel ripe to me.

Oh, look at those titties!

My clock says

it's time to fuck!

Hey look at you

sexy little thing.

Aren't you sweet.

Come on.

Mr. Bambino

grows tired of waiting.

He wants his 50 grand today!

Our family's recipe

wins every year.

You'll have the money by

the end of the day, I swear.

I better.

Mr. Bambino grows impatient.

Yeah!

Welcome to the 10th

annual Chili Cook Off.

I'm Aaron Richmond

and I'm gonna put what

these guys got in my mouth.

Are you ready?

Contestants, you ready?

Let's grub.

All right.

Let's see what we got here.

♪ Star on a two man ♪

♪ Kinda like I be Spock ♪

♪ We walk by ♪

♪ Girls whistle like a teapot ♪

♪ Slingshot slinging

rocks like a boulder ♪

♪ Chilling with my crew

sipping rum and cherry cola ♪

♪ Living like a molar ♪

♪ As I'm sipping out the flask ♪

♪ Business in the front

but we party in the back ♪

♪ Smoking from my stash ♪

♪ Hit it from the weed pipe ♪

♪ So damn high I can't

motherfuckin see right ♪

♪ Dale Archdale on a

mission with his crew ♪

♪ We the fucking shit ♪

♪ It like everything we do ♪

♪ Sipping on a 40 while

the girls dropping low ♪

♪ Sipping on some free

shots like a free throw ♪

♪ On my lyrical period yeah ♪

♪ My flow is heavy and I

get so many cream pies ♪

♪ They call me

Little Debbie, what ♪

♪ Who's that dude that got

the game on lock, man ♪

♪ Archdale, Archdale ♪

♪ Motherfucking Archdale ♪

♪ Who's that dude that run

the trailer park, man ♪

♪ Archdale ♪

Cincinnati chili?

This is the fucking south!

Take that shit back up

north, you fucking yankee.

♪ Who's that dude that

just throw the last joint ♪

♪ Archdale, Archdale ♪

♪ Motherfucking Archdale ♪

♪ You ground for the shine ♪

♪ So the shiner take flight ♪

♪ A lot of fine ladies

in the ice made nights ♪

♪ Look like the daytime ♪

♪ Say I ain't fly ♪

♪ You gotta be smoking ♪

♪ And you had a few

of them sane eyes ♪

♪ West coast, fresh coast ♪

♪ Sitting on some lowlows ♪

♪ All up on my high horse

but I ain't rocking Polo ♪

♪ Yolo, I really agree ♪

♪ See me in that button down ♪

♪ With your girl going

down on that yoyo ♪

♪ Ish I'm the ish ♪

♪ But I don't like to ♪

♪ I prefer the one

spot like Lebron do ♪

♪ Just rock up in my name ♪

♪ You're dealing

with the flame ♪

♪ Nigger Irving swerving ♪

♪ Knocking shots back ♪

♪ Hey make a A, lady ♪

♪ You wanna deal

with the ragalator ♪

♪ The young fly boy ♪

♪ A real levitator ♪

♪ I'm kicking ass

like Dale Archdale ♪

♪ Y'all the past,

we the future ♪

♪ Turning the lights

to see the winners ♪

♪ Who's that dude that got

the game on lock, man ♪

♪ Archdale, Archdale ♪

♪ Motherfucking Archdale ♪

♪ Who's that dude that run

the trailer park, man ♪

♪ Archdale, Archdale ♪

♪ Motherfucking Archdale ♪

♪ Who's that dude that

got the chicks on point ♪

♪ Archdale, Archdale ♪

♪ Motherfucking Archdale ♪

♪ Who's that dude that

just throw the last joint ♪

♪ Archdale, Archdale ♪

♪ Motherfucking Archdale ♪

Yeah!

I'm smoking blunts with two

of my main motherfuckers.

- Archdale.

- Dale Archdale

and motherfucking Ron Jeremy.

Very impressive.

Very fucking tasty, Archdale.

That shit better be good.

I didn't take off the

Tire Depot for nothing.

Mr. Fauxman.

Definitely a no.

Definitely a no.

Literally, oh shit.

Shit, I gotta go.

Wait, wait, wait, who won?

Archdale.

Hey, all right!

Yee!

Oh!

Pfff.

Oh yeah.

All right, ooh.

Yeah.

I could get used

to this shit, huh?

Eat it!

I knew that dickhead

was anorexic.

I don't know what

you pulled here

but you're finished!

No one takes my winnings!

My winnings, bitch.

Take your ass back

past go, pennybags.

He didn't win.

No, no, the fat guy won.

All of them?

Consider it done.

Dude, you have a

sperm on your neck.

Holy shit!

Yeah!

All right!

Yeah!

Where's that check!?

Come here, mama.

Let me get that check.

No, no, no

I can do it, hey.

- Let me get the damn check

- No, no, no you don't know

- how banks work!

- Rick!

You don't know how to do that.

I know how banks work.

I wanna cash it.

Dude, if you break it,

you won't be able

to cash it at all.

You gotta be careful

with that thing.

I'm fucking cashing

the damn check, Rick.

I know what I'm doing.

Psst, Dale.

Fuck you, talking bush.

Dale, over here.

What the hell?

The hell are you

doing down there?

You richies.

I need

your help, man.

I owe the Bambino

family a lot of money.

The hell do I care?

Man, help me

out, my dad cut me off.

How much?

50 grand.

If I don't pay them tonight,

they're gonna kill

me and my family.

Maybe yours too.

Oh that's pretty convenient,

I just won 50 grand,

now you're gonna

take it from me?

You're the one with

the Pauly D money!

They'll kill

you man, they're Italian.

That's what they

do in the mafia.

They know you're our neighbors,

they saw you win

that money today.

You're in just as much

trouble as we are.

Shit.

You get me involved.

Oh, that's nice.

Yeah?

Hey, gather everybody up.

Some heavy shit's going down.

Who is this?

What are you talking about?

Dale?

Dale, is this you?

Dale, we have to do things

like father and son.

I'm reading this book, it's

really quite interesting.

You know, we should go fishing,

go to play baseball, go bowling.

We have to build up a

relationship, you know, father-son.

Put Stanley on the phone.

Fine!

What up man?

Get all your weaponry.

It's time to go to work.

Yeah I got you.

♪ Get a glimpse of heaven

right here on earth ♪

♪ The material things I know ♪

Man let's do this shit!

Yeah.

♪ But I can't take it with me

when I'm back to the dirt ♪

♪ 'cause I come from the earth ♪

♪ I'm more concerned with word ♪

♪ Like the mighty mighty man ♪

♪ With the mighty mighty plan ♪

♪ Not the ice on my hand ♪

Hey.

You coming?

No, no.

I'm turning over a new leaf.

I have a son now.

I have to lead by example,

prove that I'm

really a good father,

it's very important to me.

And besides, no weaponry for me.

No, no weaponry.

Ooh, check please.

Just that weaponry.

Nothing wrong with that.

Oh, easy on the nipple,

they're chafing.

You sure screwed

the pooch on this one!

He had sex with a dog?

Shut up, Rick!

I can't believe you

got us messed up in this.

I can't believe that you got

the inbreds involved too!

Why couldn't

you just pay them?

You know all of my moneys

are tied up in that sale!

Greece is screwing my portfolio.

My Dow is effing my Nasdaq.

Why don't you

relax, all right?

Look, we ain't scared

of no fucking fight.

We ain't a bunch of bitches.

Hell yeah!

Yeah!

Shut up, Dad!

Go home.

God.

Yeah, what's your plan?

Shit, we got backup coming.

Yeah, who?

♪ You know that talk is cheap ♪

♪ Against the blood uprising ♪

♪ Gonna give them a chance ♪

♪ Before the fists

start flying ♪

♪ This ain't nobody

gonna stop this whinin ♪

♪ The somebody

better hit somebody ♪

This is proper

battle attire, yes?

We're fucked.

No shit, Fauxman.

Now look at the bind we're in.

You could have paid them off.

It would take 24 hours to

put together a deal like that!

It's for your own son.

Now we're all involved!

I just can't stand

all this waiting around!

I wish they'd just

show up already

so we can get all this

damn crap finished with!

I don't know about y'all.

But I can't wait to blow them.

Oh god, they're in the house.

Who cares?

This place is locked down

tighter than Fort fucking Knox!

The hell have you been?

Toilet was broke so I go

out back to make peepee.

Did you forget to

lock the damn door

when you came back in,

you fucking commie?

All right, nobody panic.

Uh, now you can panic.

Grr!

Stop it!

Go away, big mean bully.

biatch!

Thanks, baby.

I'll always love

you, honey bee.

Oh, come here, honey,

let's pollinate that flower.

What the?

Shit, oh!

You better have an army

if you're gonna come

in here with me!

Oh I got backup.

Kumbaya, motherfucker!

Looks like we're

having smores tonight.

Yup.

I still hate magicians.

Where's my money?

I don't have it.

Where the fuck did

you find a beer kit?

Wouldn't you like to know.

Goddamn, I love that broad.

Sorry, kid.

Whoah whoah,

whoah whoah whoah.

Listen here, pizza

bagels, I got an idea.

50k, we got it.

We give it to you, will

you leave them alone?

Yeah, of course.

All right.

Hey,

Let's go.

Hey, wait a minute.

Now that you got my money,

you gonna leave

them alone for good?

All right, cool.

Shitties.

Thank you, Dale.

Shit, you'd done

the same for me.

No.

No, I wouldn't, but

feel free to use my

shed anytime you want.

Good.

I got boogie boards

coming tomorrow.

It's nice.

But, how are we gonna pay

off that trailer park now?

Trailer park?

Yup.

I was gonna use that prize money

to win back our trailer park.

Do you mean that trailer park,

that piece of crap that's

down off of Vine street?

Yeah, if by piece of

crap you mean fucking gem.

You know, I work

for the company

that owns that property.

Let me put in a few calls, huh?

We'll see if we can

work something out.

Fucking A, all right, man.

All right, cool.

Man.

The guy's still a piece of,

you know, kind of

like a piece of shit.

But you know what,

you don't see a guy

that can really wear

an ascot anymore.

Nah, that's kind of

cool and respectable.

Get out of here.

Kinda smells like

Myrtle's cooking.

I miss that woman.

She your wife?

My fourth wife, actually.

She ran off with a Mexican.

I never ate a taco again.

You ever been married?

Yep.

It's bogus.

Here you go.

Are you kidding me?

Them things burned as shit.

Get them out of my face.

That's the way I like 'em.

I like my marshmallows

like I like my women.

Hot and black.

Go grab another

rack, Archdale.

Get your hand

off my damn grill.

I bought you the damn grill.

Hey, Mr. Fauxman.

Thank you so much for

selling me land deed.

And not closing us down.

No problem.

If you ever need car stereo

or some beautiful Persian pussy,

you let me know.

Thanks Serge.

Thanks, I'll keep it in mind.

He's a wild man.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

What the hell did I say?

No hitting people in the nuts.

Yeah.

And don't whine when we

don't get what we want.

Yeah, just be cooler, okay?

All right.

Get the hell out of here.

And don't be drinking

out of my yard cans.

That shit's for me.

God, that makes me so horny.

Whoah, whoah, whoah

baby, relax now.

Remember, snap your

little rubber band thingy.

Okay, right.

That's right.

That's good baby,

that's real good.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Oh god, don't touch me.

It just makes me hornier.

Well let it go,

baby, all right.

- Better?

- Yeah.

Yeah.

We'll wait.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Okay.

Hey Dale.

Hey.

Me and the old lady

here is getting hitched.

Well hell yeah.

She used to be

great in the sack.

All right!

Mmm, I remember that.

What's up?

Dale.

I'm a daddy!

I'm your daddy!

Your mama told me

that I'm your pappy.

The tests prove it.

Shit man.

So you're my mama, huh?

I guess so.

Man, those are some

nice tits, mommy, get some.

Ah, hey.

No shit.

So how'd you get the

money for the test?

I sold my sperm.

How'd you get the test done?

With your DNA.

How'd you get my DNA?

Those beautiful

lovely pubes you have.

Damn.

Shit, if you're my

daddy, that means,

Roy's my grandpa?

Well fucking A, right!

Right on.

All right, later, Dad.

Whoah, don't go!

Wait, wait, hold on.

We can play catch

together like father son.

Look, it says here

on the parenting book

that we can go fishing

together, boating, canoeing.

We can go camping

and we could sing

Christmas songs together.

It's in the book.

Sing Christmas songs?

♪ We three kings of orient are ♪

♪ Bearing gifts we travel afar ♪

♪ Field and fountain

moor and mountain ♪

♪ Following yonder star ♪

♪ Star ♪

♪ Following yonder star ♪

One more time.

♪ Following yonder star ♪

Just the men.

♪ Following yonder star ♪

Go ladies.

♪ Following yonder star ♪

The crew!

♪ Following yonder star ♪

Don't give up

your day jobs, crew.

I love you Dad.

Well hey.

Hey you.

Mhmm.

Thought you'd be taking the

midnight train somewhere.

No, I like it here.

It's right where I wanna be.

All right.

Come here, whip.

Walk with me, bitch.

Okay.

♪ He walked in the room ♪

♪ All heads turn around ♪

♪ A fire in his eyes ♪

♪ Footsteps hellbound ♪

♪ So lock up your liquor ♪

♪ And hide your wives ♪

♪ That man's too hot ♪

♪ Hear the neighbors cry ♪

♪ He's born a badass ♪

♪ And he'll die just the same ♪

♪ Take on the world ♪

♪ You'll remember the name ♪

♪ Dale Archdale ♪

♪ Some men work hard ♪

♪ Others live on luck ♪

♪ But this one's a hero ♪

♪ And he don't give a uh ♪

♪ Got a can of whoop ass ♪

♪ And he'll give

it to you rough ♪

♪ Just be careful ladies ♪

♪ You might fall in love ♪

♪ 'cause he's a born badass ♪

♪ And he'll die just the same ♪

♪ Take on the world ♪

♪ You'll remember the name ♪

♪ Dale Archdale ♪

♪ Oh Dale Archdale ♪

♪ Oh Dale Archdale ♪

♪ Mmm yeah oh Dale ♪

♪ Mmm ♪