Daisy Derkins vs. The Bloodthirsty Beast of Barren Pines! (2013) - full transcript

Monster-slaying hero Daisy Derkins ventures into the woods to deal with a carnivorous dinosaur, and runs afoul of a touring punk band, a manic bounty hunter, a trio of voluptuous female criminals, and a family of mutant cannibals along the way.

Subtitles by explosiveskull

thanks for the ride

no problem that's
what we're doing

getting out there meeting the fans
people like you

get over yourself vex is embarrassing

in what way

I'm sure she's never heard of us

What are you guys like in a band or

Are we in a band?

fuck yeah I wanna ban the only band that
fucking matters

isn't that the clash?

Thank You max could use a little

fuck humility, humility is for

losers little Missy I am vex do penance
and this it's catatonic fuck puppet

catatonic fuck puppet that's awesome
fucking a it's awesome so your pumpkin

Fuckin A it's awesome

So you're punk I'm guessing?

Yes that's exactly right
we are punk rock stupendous you said I'm

Vex Stupendous you said?

I'm Daisy

Heck Catastrophe

Mia DeSpell

Nice great names everyone


So you guys are on tour then?

Right baby we're on fuckin tour whoo whoo

more like tour of upstate Pennsylvania

And this is the tour bus?

Sad isn't it

Mia shut your fucking hole even the
clash started small

you mean like opening up for the Sex
Pistols fuck your mouth

Fuck you're mouth

tell me we got it tell me we got it tell
me we got it we got it

We got it

now shut your fucking germ hole

Geez what's with you two, we should be

celebrating not sulking

It's not the time to celebrate, we're not out of this yet

What the fuck happened in there you guys weren't
like this earlier what did


nothing happened
we went and strong we got the money and we

left it was all very smooth and
professional I won your soul

I already opened the fucking safe for you

What else do you want from me?

I want your soul

Oh shit

come on you motherfucker
keep on coming get more MORE

and more

I'll just keep killing you again and again and
again I love to kill

Yeah, we were the epitome of cool right scarlet?

Cool as the flesh on a stripping zombie

You guys are fucking weird, you know that?

Alright then numb nuts are you gonna fix it or smell it?

I don't know what's wrong with this man
I've tried everything I know about cars

why don't you think of something?

I know fuck all about cars dude

I just write the lyrics . Mia use your wick and
shit magic magic and magic do it

You're an idiot
oh let's see you write a song you sloppy twot

I have cock face I used to write for WAD

Yeah right, before they fucking fired you


Yeah i's the band I used to be in. It stands for Weapons of Ass Destruction

oh of course I love weapons
of ass destruction

Oh course she knows that band

That's cuz they're actually good

Yeah but they never fucking hit it big until they
fired you're sorry alabaster ass

Get fucked vex Catatonic fuck puppet
is nothing without me nothing

I'm the sex appeal

Yeah slutty chick
bassist like you or a dime-a-dozen

I could replace you like this.

Guys really? This isn't getting us


well mom the cars fucking shot what do you suggest we do?

we should walk back up
the main road and then follow it until we find a town

I didn't get into punk rock to walk places
no way and where's all the pussy I heard about?

you'll get nothing of the sort
from me

look if you just bring your fucking
iPhone we wouldn't be in this mess right now

well I was all about bringing the
iPhone it was vex here who talked me out


He was like the iPhone is the antithesis of
punk-rock remember

I didn't say anything like that but I think we should listen
to a WOD groupie over here I think we

should go down the road and see what's

but what of our instruments and our
stuff are we just gonna leave that out here?

well it's not like we have any
other choice and who the fuck's gonna

steal our shit

we can't afford to take
that chance

fine you fucking difficult bitch but one
of us is gonna have to stay behind and

babysit the fucking car

me I'll do it
I'll do it

are you sure man I mean we're kind of be
a while it's a hike

hey that's fine with me
I need a good long rest from all you

Jokers that's good in my book
hey I'm heck catastrophe not fucking Bono

for sure alright you mooks let's
get going

have fun hiking losers I'm going to sit
here and start writing my memoirs

oh well good luck with that who wants to
read your fucking life story oh you'd be

surprised asshole I love them much more
fascinating life than you have I know

you are but what am i that doesn't even
make sense shit father face doesn't it

please my dark bag just may not be able

to fix a car but it'd be more than
enough to erase your hideous vissage

from existence
I bet back this is really productive for

you guys

oh another sarcastic caustic
ironic bitch like I don't have enough of

that in my life

Fuck you

how far away is this place anyway?

It's far, very far

That's the whole fucking point

To be far way from where we committed our illegal act of robbery

can someone else drive for a while because I'm fucking tired

bitch bitch bitch. Do you know what we did to bitch bitch bitches on the inside?


No tell me

Tell her scar

We tried to touch their titties

What' that?

I mean you know, we hit them. Hard

That's right

And then we'd fuck them with a broom handle or something

By that point they just let us

Yeah so hear that bitch?

Yeah but

keep on bitching
bitching I have a club theft-deterrent

in the trunk with your pussy's name all over it.

Did you really name her pussy? I thought I was the only one who did that.

I'll tell you what I named mine if you tell me what you named yours.

Shut the fuck up you freak

that's last thing I want to hear

would you both
shut the fuck up for just a minute

listen to this the thieves were
described by eyewitnesses as female hot

as all hell and sicker than a shithouse
rat were seen speeding off in a green

1999 Dodge Caravan if you see anyone
matching that description or that kind

of car we advise you to keep a safe
distance and alert authorities

immediately whether in traffic

you know
what this means right

besides being female personal knows
about us

no yes
it's pretty nice isn't it

I'm more interested in the crazier than
a shithouse rat description why would

they say that I thought you guys were
cool and professionally keep on bitching

bitch no means we got to ditch the car
it's gonna get us caught we're in the

middle of nowhere we need transportation
and I guess we're just gonna have to use

what evolution gave us beep you mean
we're gonna pull over get out and hike

no we have to get rid of the car first
because if they find the car then it

won't be very long until they find us so
I guess we're just gonna have to push it

off a cliff or into a lake or something

Oh can we do both like push the car off a cliff

into a lake

if we find a cliff over a lake then sure

I'm not getting a good feeling about
this bitch bitch

have you ever gonna fish in your twot?
okay yo Kenny I get it all stop bitching

that wasn't a threat, that was just a question I'm curious

How could I get mixed up with you people?

I'd offer you some shelling mr. Van
Cleef but you do not strike me as a

chosen you're very perceptive mr. Van
roughhousing I don't sip I suck

yes thank you
but you're right I am very perceptive

that's part of why I'm so successful in
my business sure my detractors will say

that I'm in a position that I am in
simply because from the father wasn't

old money but it's just a small part
of story and I can go on and on

anyway would you care for some other
vivacious maybe something it made harder

no sir I'm here for business business
and business alone

you know I had

feeling what's going to like you you
come to a business meeting and get

straight down to business
you'd be surprised how rare that is

these days

well I'm what do you call it old

school and I don't like to pussyfoot

no you don't you're a straight shooter

and this is of course while you were

but speaking of pussy I was walking
today by three of the female persuasion

I am aware of it the news is all over
the gay community

well I can't have

people thinking they just simply walk
into my legitimate businesses and leave

with my money it looks bad for me looks
bad for my businesses both legitimate in

other words in order to maintain my
stature community I require respect and

more importantly fear of the people

I use fear I use fear and I create a

psychological strategy they call me the
Puma before people know it they're my

slaves they're under my power
and I can get them using fear I can get

them to do anything I want anything at

you and I are on the same page Mr Van Cleef

these three of the female persuasion has

stolen from me already people are
talking and if word gets around that

someone got away with this I lose some
of their fear and they never recapture

that power it is imperative to send a
message a very strong message that if

you be so foolish to take from me hell
will find you and you will be sorry

well mr. Van ruffhausen my middle name
is Hell and I know how to give hell I

know how to take Hell and I know how to
make hell for everyone who comes into

contact with me

outstanding but just to
be clear this is not a Dead or Alive

scenario understood?

when I'm involved that's always

and you're sure you're not

one of those professional killers like
in the movies with a strong ethical code

no women no children or anything like

Haha, ethical code?

Let me tell you. For me, a bounty is just a bounty it has no it has no sexual

it's not a man or a woman or

or an animal
it's a bounty and I use those bounties

to wipe people up just like the paper
towel of the same name


that's the attitude one should have in your
line of work just one last thing

you're don't have any weird hangups
or anything do anything that might

prevent you from completing your job

dare you nothing distracts me

nothing not even a six-pack of young
hotties these females are supposedly

rather attractive so we don't worried
that this might keep you thinking about

something else rather than money

come on money is all I think about I'm a

dirty Jew after all and and and I don't
think about those things that you might

be thinking about I am a professional

you know it's not so much about titties
and by the way that's a very low-class

word love pillows is what I would say
sir but in my book it's tea tea tea tea

tea tea it's it's fine
yes track them torture them terminate

them that's great
you should get a trade mark very well

mr. Van Cleve you convinced me the
contract is yours just remember if the

law gets them first you get nothing if a
jury affords the luxury of due process

and fair trial but it's hardly the
message I'm trying to send understood


tea tea tea tea tea tea

sorry sonbitch never had a chance
look at em

goddamn massacre

it ain't pretty blaze

this ain't about no big score neither

about killing plain and simple

yeah but they stole the money Blaze

I know they stole the money all right I can
see that I'm just saying it was about

more than that I mean they didn't have to kill these
people they they they they wanted to

they enjoy killing just look at this
carnage Colt they enjoy it

but maybe ballistics will show the guards fired
first think of that

Come again

Perhaps these ladies acted in self-defense

Self defense, you here that?

they was robbing the damn place

the guards didn't have to shoot at em

And who in the name of Charles H Darwin are you?

oh I'm uh Asmodeus Herod CSI


yeah crime solving just got a hell of a
lot more gayer

you were thinking that too huh

big time
anyways I was saying these girlies might

be pretty but they're about as deadly as a Menstruating Sidewinder with the hiv

God that's pretty damn deadly Blaze

right we're gonna have to think like them

too if we're ever gonna catch them


shit is right Colt my boy I'm gonna have

to travel into a very savage animalistic
hellish landscape within our very

selves if we're gonna have a chance
against these bloodthirsty maniacs

I'm gonna have to travel into the very
heart of darkness if you will but just

you be careful when you glance into the
Abyss young Colt as every one moment it

could be enough to change you and lure
you into a drooling depraved monster for

the rest of your days

hey guys I'm gonna
go get Starbucks new guy buying you guys

want lattes you wait you might be a chai
guy good yes

no I got it I got it it's cool thanks

what the fuck

city faggots


If we don't get to that show in time they're gonna kick us of the fuckin tour

we need that tour like invaluable

Right, because opening for kitten crawling into orifices was really getting us places

Like the ass end of Pennsylvania for example

there are people out here Mia

there are kids kids with anger and
drinking problems and our music speaks

to those kids

you actually think your music means

something to somebody but that's almost
cute like a puppy with horrible birth


you know what man that's as
close to a compliment as I've ever heard

from you I want to take it so what's
your deal Daisy and try to give me the

less cryptic version if you could

she says she's hunting evil do you need

her to draw you a fucking picture

Oh ha fucking ha seriously are you the

least bit curious

I'm not trying to be
cryptic I've got nothing to hide

so what the fuck are you really doing out here

investigating claims of a local


then why don't you just say that
in the first place that doesn't sound so

what do you like write for a magazine

like weird New Jersey

no I'm not a

Like are you at school?

Is this your thesis

no I stopped going I
stopped out there I discovered that my

true calling was something that never
could be taught in a classroom

oh no this doesn't have anything to do with
Jesus does it

oh please tell me it's not

I stopped believing in God the night my
friends were killed

oh I'm sorry

killed a by an evil
soulless monster the likes of which no God

would have ever created or have allowed to walk
on his earth

sounds like a really awful


no it wasn't a person
I'm not saying monster in a figurative

sense I'm talking about a real fucking
monster with three heads fangs and eerie

glowing eyes

a real fucking monster
that's exactly what's out here in these

woods and that's why I came here
I discovered I had a gift that night a

gift to be able to look evil square in
the eye to grapple with evil in Hand to hand

combat and win the monster I slew that
and I will claim no more lives of

innocent victims neither will this one

stupid-ass motherfucker making fun of me

heck catastrophe for writing my memoirs
this shit's gonna be riveting a real

page-turner number one on the New
York Times bestseller list material he

does not know what I have seen whoa what
was that? Vex? Mia? the new girl? shit

Mia no wear bacon hangers from Wendy's
for you you gotta lay off that shit whoa

that's that shook the whole fucking car
they don't get earthquakes around here

do they
I'm getting back in the car before

something fucked up happens

no fucking


why the fuck do I have to carry this
you two have done time you got bigger fucking

arms than me

all the better to break you
with my dear

now shut the fuck up and accept your
loan that's like a good little mule oh

man that was fucking awesome some shit
pushing that car off the fucking cliff

and then what oh wait right beneath it
boom awesome

yeah we really got the most

out of a whole car ditching experience
didn't we

yeah a car off a cliff into a

lake cross it off my bucket list now

already have a bucket list

yeah I don't plan on living long

that's comforting

our whole goal was to find another car
why didn't we stick by the road and you

people could I don't know whatever it is
you do carjack them

we're not gonna

find a car way out here

Quite easily actually

what the fuck is
that supposed to mean

straight ahead

yeah cuz I'm gonna see a
car not bloody likely

see for yourself bitch

shit that was unexpected

go check it out

seems someone was here recently

yeah writing his memoirs

you guys

oh fuck

what is it


Oh shit

Somebody was just fuckin

slaughtered here

Blood's not even try it
this just happened

oh my god

who could have done this

thinking bear
may be

certainly no human

Unless it was that guy Doug you met on craigslist remember him

yes I remember

Doug please never mentioned Doug
again especially when I'm on edge and

wielding a deadly weapon

Duly noted.

And Maria go
check the car see if it's working

what no fucking way I am NOT going in

why not

whatever did this couldn't possibly fit
in the car

fuck do you know it could be

a gremlin or fucking honey badger
they don't give a shit

annamaria will you stop being a retarded
fucking bitch and go check the car for me

if you're so sure there's nothing in
there why don't you fucking check it

because I'm asking you nicely please go
check the car for me I'll fucking cover

you in case anything happens which it

fine but I want a bigger cut

you'll get
no such thing now go my patience is at

an end

Fine, fuck

fuck what am I doing here with these
crazy fucking people this is not the

life I wanted

Are the keys in there?


in the ignition?


Turn em see what happens

is there anything lurking in the seat
behind me

no you're fine there's nothing

back there
go on

alright alright here goes

it's not working

try it again

no nothing it's dead

are you sure?

yes I'm

fucking sure you want to try

no you can
get out

gee thanks

so now what

so now we just keep moving

further into the woods where this thing

that devoured this poor guy is and now
as it taste for human flesh

either that or we turn ourselves in to
the authorities do you really want to be

locked up with us annamaria


and we've
got guns and ammo we are more than

prepared to deal with whatever gets in
our way

if you say so

now let's grab the

bag and let's go

um since this car is no
good and do you think we can push it off

the cliff into the lake

Scarlett that
cliff was over a mile away

is that a no then cuz I mean they might
just you know they're our last chance to

do it

that moment has passed scarlet it
was something magical that we all shared

but it's over now we'll always have the
memory and that'll have to do

yeah yeah

I have to pee

so go but be quick about it

fuck you're demanding

apparently not

enough look at the company I keep

Kunti - twit with a cunning wit how cute

excuse me while I go relieve my bladder
on these bushes bitch

you guys are

friends right

I don't like that word

don't have to keep up with the sneering

punk-rock attitude around me and there's
no one else around no cameras and no

audience I won't tell anyone if you
admit to caring about someone

It's got nothing to do with Punk I'm not posing
or posturing I mean you've spent some

time with him now
he's fucking repugnant

okay shut up shut

up shut up you're gonna have a very fast
sex change operation now now you gonna

answer some questions, you're gona answer them fast and succinct

First of all who are you

I'm Vex Stupendous

What kind of a stupid name is that? Answer

what are you doing out here
in the woods

We're looking for a car or a town

or a person

Congratulations, I'm a person so you found me ha ha ha what is it

What is you want out here?

We're looking for help

Yeah what kind of help?


Why are you so aggressive?

Well it all began with my mother, you see

Hey hey hey, what, who is this us?

god dammit

Who is us who is


whoa oh very impressive you managed
to creep up on me nobody's ever done

that my entire career you are too sneaky
such a slimy slinky polecats yeah jumpin

Jesus on a pogo stick nigga please

oh thanks fuck you guys are here this

dirty old perv was watching me pee

enough I was not watching him pee I was
hoping he'd defecate I mean I was I was

interrogating him

for one
never mind Lance Bass over here I'm much

more interested in you be out here in
barren Pines looking for three gashes

except I think I found two of them and
unless Yahoo serious over here was

wearing a wig and a dress

what the hell
are you talking about

Yahoo serious

that's funny

You robbed from the wrong man and he
paid me you embarrassed him he paid me

that to make an example of you and you

seriously you're gonna start making some

sense here

you mean Yahoo seriously

You're a hit man, is that what you're saying?

you call me shit man you young

people have no respect for your elders
I'm a bounty hunter and I'm mighty proud

of it the only question here is I'm
gonna kill you I'm gonna kill you and

how much am I gonna make you suffer yeah

are you sure you're a bounty hunter

you seem like a comedian to me old man
What makes you think that we're just

gonna stand here and let you do anything
to us

I'm not saying you'll let me do

anything but if you know what's good for
you you're going to cooperate I'm

Wingate Van Ceef I mean Cleef and
and I understand you quite a quite a

handful both of you yeah yeah but but
I've been doing this since I'm 18 and

I've never ever failed
I don't care how bad you girls may think

you are you're never gonna get past me
oh oh no but but I'm not the total

monster I'm gonna give you some choices
you can either find an early demise a

quick and easy early demise or you can
suffer you can suffer it's all your

choice it's all your choice just just
get naked get naked and and let me let

me take a couple of nice pictures and
yeah you're not on the rag are you?

But I got this

nice move Lara Croft

you know what they say about men
with big gun

Where is it? Haha, fuck it

you've made your choice

you are gonna bleed you're gonna have
your period

Ahh, god damn it that hurt

all right now you are in for

now I'm gonna get you I'm gonna cut you
up you're gonna be bleeding just like a

turkey on Thanksgiving yeah yeah I
remember once I was hunting I was

hunting I took a biker I killed him in
the woods yeah ya

He's got a knife Mia

don't want you getting hurt

why should
you have all the fun

I could disarm him from over here

not sure if you actually have magical

powers Mia

sure I do watch this whoops my boobs

fell out

whoo boobs

what did you do to me what the oh

I beat you and then I tied you to a tree

boy find some help someone get you

can't do that

Where are all my guns? They had sentimental value

damned if I know they went

flying in the trees when I kicked them


come on guys

don't you know who I am?

so you wanna see my boobs Oh


oh too bad they're awesome oh one more thing

Oh please don't, I had a tough childhood

I told you, my mother, she got in bed with me. It's not my fault. I'm a victim. I was abused

nobody tries to kill me and gets away
with it coming

Stop making out with the perv and let's go


Oh major pain

I'm sure we'll make a

nice treat for Daisy's monster out here

boy these gals sure did make a

getaway didn't they you really think
they made it out this far

that's according to our tipster guess
we'll find out for ourselves

that right there disqualifies them as
being locals if they was from around here and

there's no way they'd be hiding out in
these woods they must not know about the


just thinking the same thing

could be that they just ain't believers
but more than likely they'd stay never

heard of the legend for


how about
you son


you believer

of course

seen it myself you know the beast the thirsty
beast of barren Pines

what are you guys talking about

sorry we
interrupt your nap there Sleeping Beauty

sorry I must have nodded off it's it's
this job man it's this shit I see it

haunts my nightmares and keeps me up all
night I can't sleep it's the mangled

corpse visions it's the the broken homes
it's it's the orphans

it's the disfigurement of of bodies it's
it's held these homes they're drenched

in blood all right

all right Jesus
Christ we get it you're haunted

anyways we was talking about a minute
ago is a local legend

a local legend you say?

that's right legends of bloodthirsty
beasts of barren Pines turns out

according to the legend these very woods
are home to a vicious creature time forgot

creatures got no business being
alive in this era

wait what the hell are

you talking about

about a cantankerous carnivorous

creature from the Cretaceous

you mean a

that's right City boy


come on that's absurd everybody
knows that dinosaurs were extinct like

what millions of years ago

yeah well
someone forgot to tell this one either

that or he's just stubborn I actually
kind of admire him in a way you know

he's a survivor
we've got no concern for logic science

has to say about his situation

right because he only cares about what a

couple of local rubes say it your town's
bait shop right and and why not after

all they're the ones that created him
right your living legend I mean they're

the ones that keep it going give me a
break they

feed this bullshit to all you're
simple-minded town folk they just little

one more words one more word out of
you dipshit you continue this manhunt on

foot then you can see for yourself what
the beast is about

okay okay I get it

I offended your hometown pride your
rural Pennsylvania fucking dinosaur I

won't even talk about it anymore

good go back to sleep why don't you

I'm actually right now not very tired

well then just duck down so I don't have to

look at you in my rearview

that shit
guys that was harsh

that ain't shit boy

harsh is kicking you out of my fucking
car so you could be torn asunder by two

Terrence stories of prehistoric terror

you know what I'm uh I am actually a

little tired I'm gonna take a nap

good fucking sissy boy

hey uh hey

sheriff do you think I could try Satan's

what the hell you're old enough

you know I've had Christ's balls before I've
never had Satan's dick

it's good stuff

right there hmm

choking on Satan big boy

Satan's Dick isn't for me Sheriff I

think you could have all the Satan's
dick you want

Evelyn you mind if we take

a break

yes I do mind

well then someone
else is gonna have to carry this I'm


you can threaten me all you want
I'm talking about physical limitations

here either someone else carries or we
rest it's only fair

very well we'll take

a short break

thank you

where you will rub my neck and


what know if anyone deserves a
massage round here it's me

rub and scarlet will carry your bag
next this is generous as I'm gonna get

you're a hell of a lot of fun you know
that Evelyn

oh that feels good

fuck jeez I don't even get a minute

so what exactly is the plan here we're
just gonna keep moving deeper into the

woods until we find another car didn't
sound very logical

ours is not to reason

why ours is but to do and die


did all right didn't we it's a pretty

big score back there

I told you I knew
where to hit

yeah it just wasn't the

aftermath that was very well thought out

watch your mouth Ana Maria just keep

doing what I tell you to do and you'll
get your 20%

20% no no no I thought we

were splitting 30 30 40 I mean you get
more because you planned it but Scarlett

and I get the same


the wheel man or
woman never gets above 20% everybody

knows that

but I am in just as much risk
as you are we all contributed equally to

the act

you didn't you weren't in there
Scarlett and I were you know those guards

had guns we could have died

I could have
been shot driving away I could still be

shot over this

we had to kill people
lots of people



you fucking

killed people I thought you said it went

it did but killing did went

smoothly that is it only took one shot
to kill anybody

our aim is right on so in that regard it
did go smoothly

well that is fantastic

now I can get life without parole when
we get busted and you're telling me I'm

only getting a lousy 20%

all you did was
drive the car

and carry the bag and

massage your shoulders and deal with all
your fucking crazy bullshit

I was deceived

well Evelyn and I are
always in and out of prison we're career

criminals and we're violent crazy people
to boot

yeah are you really that

surprised that we deceived you now shut
the fuck up and get back to rubbing

before I get pissed

back to I did

Anna what the fuck are you doing?

take it easy let's not get all crazy

fuck you fuck 20% fuck fucking neck


see you in the funny papers

what a fucking nightmare this has been

yeah just like a nightmare except

nightmares are exciting and sexy
sometimes this fucking blows we're never

getting to our gig tonight

no sight of my

I can't fucking take anymore fuck you want to fight

something fight a god damn tree
they're everywhere we're never getting

out of here I will never seen another
goddamn human being ever

finally people

Who the fuck are you?

None of your fucking business who the fuck are you

Catatonic fuck puppet don't shoot


well you know me and
her are this is Daisy Derkins she slays


what the fuck are you talking
about you're not making any sense

me and her Mia are in a punk rock band
called catatonic fuck puppet this is

Daisy Derkins she slays monsters yeah

fuck I get away from two fucking crazies

and the next people are even
more batshit than they are

what the fuck are you talking about
what's with the gun

I need a car

does it look like we're in a car or cars fucking
useless it broke down way back there

why do you think we're walking

broke down way back there? shit


did you um

leave a friend back there to watch your
car and your stuff

well I mean yeah I

mean hex hex back there why?

That's the second oh shit already

what's going on?

Your friend is er

he's what?

your friend is dead I er


no no it wasn't me

take her down

my nigga Daisy
Durkins you might really be a monster

slayer shit

I've got the gun

give me that


you might
hurt yourself or me

this may come as a

shock to you Daisy Durkins but I've
handled a gun before I made a living

like that once

that's so true she's got
a sordid past just chock-full of

chicanery treachery and skullduggery I
love that word

I don't care the gun stays with me I
don't know you well enough and frankly

that's a good thing
my friends have an unfortunate tendency

to come monster Chow


enough let's see if our new friend is

ready to talk


You just punch me in the

I'm taking that into consideration

Now give me some answers who are you

my name
is Anna Maria

And why the fuck did you

kill their friend

I didn't kill him
no it wasn't me it was some kind of

creature or something

what'd it look like

I don't know we

didn't see it happened we got here just
after it happened

we who's we

my my

former partners Evelyn and Scarlett
they are psychotic vicious criminals

killers and they're after me look we
should really get out of here like right

now they're hot on my trail and they'll
kill you too I mean they don't care they

are monsters

monsters I can handle

this kind they're a whole other breed


are they after you for

ain't this the most revolting thing you
seen in a while

definitely ranked pretty

high up there blaze do you think it's
our girls

not a chance

whatever did this certainly was not
human I'd say this was a completely

unrelated incident this poor fellas car
breaks down and he gets out to see if we

can fix it maybe then he gets uh he gets
attacked he gets attacked by some what

kind of wildlife you guys got here blaze

That's sheriff thunders to you son I told you

about the wildlife forgotten here our
conversation in the car

Oh what dinosaurs please I was thinking more
like like like a grizzly bear yeah yeah

grizzly bear

we ain't got no grizzly bears
in these woods

black bears maybe no Grizzlies

oops oh

dinosaurs yes grizzly bears no how
foolish of me

you done now

yeah I'm done

good good I got a question for you mr.
Harrod you believe in God

I believe there's a higher power than us yes

why is that you ever seen him


You talked to him


ever been given a
solid shred of evidence that he exists

no again

fine in spite of your belief and
imaginary beings you're still very much

a man of science good I respect that are
all things other than religion you

require some evidence and to that end I
present with you Exhibit A

Hah ha ha, oh yeah

What the

Get off me

When I get up I'm gonna fucking kill you

Fucking kill you, fucking kill you

Fucking kill you and fuck you some more

Somebody help me!

Get off!

I'm gonna fucking kick your ass


ha thanks man
Another minute or two and the fucking freak woulda had his dick in me

sorry I couldn'r act sooner you alright?

weren't you wearing pants before

did you remember earlier than I really

um okay um okay I guess you

I am
consumed by a white-hot intense

berserker rage that will not be quelled
until I personally strangled the last

stinking breath out of that whiny
traitorous bitch anna maria

I feel ya

so let's go find that little dipshit post haste

fucking being touched me you know he's

dead now don't worry

what the fuck was that

an inbred hillbilly who'd been exposed

to massive levels of radiation I'm

yeah I'd go with that I just

hope we don't run into any more

I don't
care if there's a hundred of these

things out here nothing and I mean
nothing will stand in the way of me

exacting my vengeance on Anna Maria
count on it

so anyone else when I carry the giant
sack of money a little heavy

So what are we gonna do with all the money?

we no

that money is mine all of it

my life is gonna be jeopardized because

of this then I deserve a cut -

she's got
a point

you two haven't been through

half the shit I've been through over

okay so you get a bigger cut than

me but I'm just saying I think I deserve
a little something

you deserve a

steel-toed boot to the twat that's what
you deserve mmm


Oh cute care to see

what I think you deserve

what the fuck

Mia where did you get that

it's mine

I always have a gun on me

I didn't
know that wait so you don't have a

cellphone but you always have a gun on

no phones is part of our image

nobody ever said anything about guns I
have enemies I need protection

Fair enough

Put the gun away Mia there are no disputes
here this money doesn't belong to any of

us and as soon as we find a phone or a
town we're turning it in

who appointed

you leader this outfit I think there
should be a discussion about this


clearly I'm the leader here I write the
lyrics you know

shut up

Daisy there's a

ton of money in that bag do you think
I'm just gonna give it all away then

you're a fucking moron

you heard what Ana Maria said there are

dangerous people after that money

They never met me yet

I'll show them six sides of dangerous
they've never even heard of

still it's


who are you to tell me what's
wrong the fucking morality police I

don't fucking care I've devoted my whole
existence to doing what's wrong


not taking that money Mia

why the fuck
are we carrying it around if you don't

want it why not just leave it here

because those girls aren't getting it


I hate you all of a sudden is
there something else you should be doing

shouldn't you be hunting monsters or

I'm multitasking

if I can kill a three-headed dog monster
then what chance do you sand?

I don't care how tough you think you are one
bullet and you're out of my way for good

try me just fucking try me watch what
happens to you

what now Daisy Derkins

back-to-back fire at 20 paces

now why go
through all those formal theatrics when

when I can just take you out in one second

So this is an official challenge then?

Winner take all

no winner is taking back

Damn she's quick

My turn

Oh fuck


What the hell is that thing?

A fucking dinosaur

Not just any dinosaur

The blood thirstly beatst from Barren Pines

You're a fucking monster slayer, fucking do something

Wasn't I just fighting you?

I thought you said you can multitask

You wanna give me a hand here?

We can finish our business after

Shoot it Mia

As soon as this thing falls, Daisy comes tumbling after

What is all that?

Fucking war's going on

Come on guys

Don't drop the bag what's wrong with you?

fine have it your way

Now it's all mine again

Vex come here

let's let Buffy handle
this one that's our thing right monsters

She'll be fine let's run back and see
if that money's still there

and if annamaria has it

I've got plenty of
bullets left

it sound like like a gunfight was going
on but this girl did not die fr om any


no she did not

it's not like last one don''t

it does
exactly but but all that gunfire


attempt to save herself yep all those
bullets couldn't save her and I don't

see no damn creature carcass around so
whatever killed her survived that

hellacious barrage of gunfire so you
still think it's some black bear some

some poor kids

I don't know

come on man it's the second one today

you ain't ready to start believing in


well shit looks like she can't argue
about who gets the money now

good I don't like her anyway

I kind of
like her, I mean no not her personality

obviously I did kind of want to just
like dip my dick in it though


well let's grab that bag before another

dinosaur comes out and tries eat us

know it wasn't that some shit you don't

see anything like that every day

no you don't now let's


hey hey you okay
there have some of this

It's empty

hey wake up hey okay

come with me oh come on come with me

Oh fuck

me I have the worst fucking luck vex vex

are you here

yeah yeah I'm here

are you alright

no I am NOT all right

you're alive though

well yeah I am alive

can you see can you see better than me
can you see if those fuckers are still


I can see all around the
room but I don't see them anywhere


do you see

nothing a note really

heck got off easy one bite from that

dinosaur and that had at the end of him
at least he went quick

who knows what these fuckers are going
to do to us shit I always attract these

weird was don't I uh well I guess I kind
of bring it upon myself really


there's a there's this that's something
I've always wanted to tell you what

you're gay

no it's

ah don't tell me you
love me

please have some dignity for fuck's sake

I don't know I just I think I should say

something deep and heartfelt right about

we're not dead yet vex so why don't

you keep that deep and heartfelt shit to
yourself okay

I know we're not dead yet

that's why we should say this shit now
well what you can before were dead


Daisy Derkins will show up and save the

oh you mean the girl you tried to

shoot who he last saw being chased into
the woods by a fucking Allosaurus

It could happen come on man we found our way
I'd worse shit than this right

no we really

haven't this this is about as bad as it

fuck man you sure you can't wiggle your
way out of that

Wait I hear something

what is it

I think it's them


it'll be alright

shit they still out

looks like

ain't is much fun when they out just

make the most of what we got I reckon

fuck you

BAM that woke you up right
quick now didn't it

fuck you you fucking mutant you still
fucking in bred you probably dead soon


but not before we eat you and fuck your girlfriend

never get to chance

I got a chance to do

both right now you stupid son bitch we
got you and her tied up real nice and what the fuck are you gonna do about it?

She's a witch if you tried it if you trying to
kill us

she'll put a curse on you

I'm already cursed
let me tell you something boy

pay attention when I'm talking to you
he's a nice boy but he doesn't listen to

a word you say what's the worst that she
could do to me consider all this shit

God did to me already what kill me well
probably a good thing

yeah not just for me but for the whole

are you done you're arguing cuz I'm
getting mighty hunger you hear me too

and I'm not done arguing I have a

Die, just fucking die

why do you gotta talk to em like that they
just food does a puma talk to a hare

before he eats it does an owl talk to a mouse before he eats

just a bloodthirsty Beast the barren
Pines talk to anybody before he eats

them don't try to act like you're better
than they are you ain't you know you're

the predator they're the prey don't try
to make it into something more than it

really is

sheesh sorry now you want to eat first

you won't fuck

let's eat first not like
she's going anywhere and I can't fuck on

an empty stomach

well cut the pieces off
you want then


my that Satan's dick is mighty tasty
mm-hmm I can't believe he dead

you think I'm lying?

I saw

no it's just you know he was

always a tough son bitch

they had guns
he didn't that's what he gets for going

out unarmed

poor fella ain't gonna be the
same around here without him you know

this always been the tree of us since ma died

don't you go bringing up
ma again you know how misty eyed I



hey damn she was a beautiful
woman she shot him in the back you know

he never saw it coming

you think it was
these two what killed him

well there's no real way of knowing for
sure but that's how we're gonna play

this out
cuz it's more fun that way let me tell

you nothing beats to go to hate fuck

so you want go first

of course I want to go first I don't want
your sloppy seconds

now you just stand

there and watch

I like to watch
besides you could take the wet hole and

I can take the dry hole problem solved no
sloppy seconds around here


here she is
morning cupcake

get your fucking figure out of me

oh you don't like that and you're really
gonna hate the next few hours

look you want the money take it

already got that

fine fuck me then

if that's all you need to do
I'm in the indie punk scene I'm sure it's

probably something it as disgusting as
you before of course I would've been

drunk at the time, is there some whiskey

no I got nothing to dull the effect I

want you to experience every second I
want you to hate every second of this

dee dee guys like you before just get it
over with

oh no no you don't want us to rush this
once we're done here we're gonna cut you

all up and eat you like we did with
your boyfriend

okay that right there I

have a problem with

what can I say
payback's a bitch

payback what I ever do to you?

you killed our brother in the

no I didn't

yes you did

I didn't

yes you did


Is he alright?

he's dead and you're about to join him

Daisy Derkins is that you

yes now be quiet


you got me you got me Missy
I surrender

Come here then, I got a cuff for ya

er you have cuffs

quickly don't make me
come to you

wait you can't just let

him surrender kill that sick

he killed vex and he put his fucking
finger in me

is that true you killed him

yep ate him too

oh no I was too late for


that's why you have to fucking kill this guy
he ate vex and he would have eaten me

sexually and otherwise

you eat people

I sure do why don't you put down that
knife and I'll show ya

see he fuckin

eats people Daisy he isn't human he's a
monster look at him

now do your job and slay him you killed
his brother what's one more

but this

one's willing to surrender it's against
the hero code to kill anyone who wants

to surrender

those rules don't apply
here he isn't a soldier with a family at

he's a predatory monstrosity that will

keep raping and killing until we do
something about it right now

man this is

a tough call he eats people and uh does
appear more troll-like than human

just gimme a minute here, let me try to figure this out

what's going on Daisy
could you maybe just un tie first just

in case you don't win this Quite Mia I'm working, I'll be with you in a minute

I hope so

Now I got you

lucky me and with my brother's gone I
could have you both all to myself

oh you fight good Missy you fire real
good but I want you to save some of that

spunk for when I have you bait over my

and I can't wait to see what you taste like

Eat this

What the fuck

Daisy are you still alive

what's happening

he's dead they're both
dead it's all over

awesome thank you so much can you untie me now

depends are you gonna try

and kill me again

oh come on don't play
around like that you know you're here to

save me what else would you be here for

I was actually here more for vex and

the money

but you're a hero that's what
heroes do this is how you prove that

you're better than me like when he man
would see if Skeletor sometimes like I

know I may be an evil bitch but I'm
still human being

relax I'm gonna get

you out here I just want to see you
squirm for a minute

oh that's funny

that's really funny

hold still

thank you seriously

no more funny

I promise I'll be a good girl

you sure about Vex?

yeah I don't want to
talk about it let's get out of this

place it makes my skin crawl

of course
where's the money

I don't know I

couldn't really see what they were doing

here it is better grab this too

again I'm sorry I couldn't have made it

I guess that's the end of catatonic fuck puppet

yes fingers the first time in my life that
ever made a somewhat legitimate attempt

of making money
look what happens drummer gets eaten by

a dinosaur singer gets eaten by backwards cannibals

it's awful

I have no real marketable skills no
expensive education this whole punk rock

thing was like my only shot at making a
living without breaking any major laws

think weapons of ass destruction might
take you back

nah that ship has sunk

anyway I don't want to talk about this

it's depressing


now we're right
back to where it all started wandering

the woods looking for a car or town
probably no closer to either than when

we first picked you up

I know
sucks doesn't it

and it's about to get a

whole lot suckier for you

ah Anna
Maria's friends I presume I was

wondering when you'd show up
you're too late though

she's dead

right she died and then you tried stealing the

dinosaur eat her so I took the

it wasn't stealing anymore on account of

her being eaten by the dinosaur dinosaur


I'm sorry

the bloodthirsty beast of barren Pines
ever heard of it no

I doubt it

anyway after you tried stealing the

I need to explain how I wasn't

stealing again

it is stealing because
it's mine

ours we stole it first

and are you sure Anna Maria's dead

positive she couldn't handle the

bloodthirsty beast of barren Pines
that's what Daisy Derkins is for

fuck I

was really looking forward to murdering
that cunt oh well did she die


yeah it looked pretty gruesome

okay well I'll just have to find a

quantum of solace in that I guess

well sorry didn't get to kill your

see ya

oh wait just a minute there

princess there's still the
issue of the money

damn I was hoping

you'd forget

and I got so worked up over
killing Anna Maria I just have to kill

somebody just to make the urges go away

a fight to the death is that what this

is building up to

mmm nah I think I'll
just shoot you and your friend I'm just

- too

too what

I'm too fuckin furious

should we be fighting too


cuz uh not not really feeling it


no I've had I've just had the worst
day of my life my bandmates were eaten I've

been chased by a dinosaur
I was fingered by a fucking mutant and

I'd been walking around all day I'm just

I was hitin the face with a

large stick felt up by a mutant I mean your day
sounds probably worse

I mean it's not at

all I'm an adverse to hurting people
because no that is that is one of my

favorite things but just today it's just
not one of those days

right no I

understand but then again you really
want that money don't you

yeah that's

another thing see if I step in and help
Daisy right now that money's going to

go right back where it came from because
Daisy's a do-gooder

oh then what the

fuck are you doing with her that's not
you listen we've got an opening in our


so I've heard

so now it's
initiation time you say yourself your

bandmates are dead so that dream is over
if it ever was one so now you really

want that money you're not gonna get it
on Team Daisy so join us and then the

day is not a total loss hmm

certainly is a good pitch

thank you


thing is daisy saved my life

don't tell me
you've never double-cross somebody


well duh but you know it's just
today I'm just feeling more emotional

than usual

the choice is simple either
get rich quick or die along with Daisy

do gooder


I can't believe it guys we've been out
here almost all day to ever come across

a single living person

believe it city
boy we could be out here a whole month

and not see a single damn footprint
amazing we even found as much as we have

can't you like radio for a chopper so we
can get a better survey the landscape we

could be stuck the rest of our lives out

sounds just fine to me

it does

sure I'm thinking about doing
just that for a while now once I retire

have a little place out here in the
woods away from all the decay and

fucking corruption of the civilized
world look at this place it's beautiful

I'd love to live the rest of my life out
here a man can breathe out here

And what about the beast

I'm sure he agrees
with me

never mind

you know what I sure the hell couldn't live out here I need a
little more action and excitement

you know I'm thinking about taking the wife
and kids and moving down to Pittsburgh


all this we seen today and that ain't enough for you

this is a rare case

blaze this sure ain't the norm I want shit
like this all the time I need thrills

chills adventure you know aside from
this robbery murder thing and the

occasional dinosaur attack nothing ever
happens around here I need to be

challenged I need to live

it's the beast

Thank You Mia you've made a wise

alright then we've hit her enough we've
got the cash let's just go

almost but

not quite


pick her up

let's go

good now one last thing

Evelyn no we don't have to kill her

maybe we don't but I do


because she kicked my ass that's why

I don't need that getting around that I
needed help to beat someone called Daisy

Derkins I have a reputation to maintain

but it's nothing to be ashamed of she's

the monster slayer

Mia don't be stupid
the only monster around here is greed

what then fuck is that noise?


aim higher

that's not gonna do any good it's just gonna irritate him

fuck you I've got a gun I'm gonna use it

back off this is my show

what the fuck

are you gonna do you couldn't even beat three tired girls

that's what mr. Gas bomb is for

what the hell was that

a gas bomb I told you

not that I meant

Blood thirsty beast of barren Pines


bloodthirsty Beast of barren Pines

prehistoric monster of unknown origin

all right that's enough

sowho are you?

Sheriff Blaze thunders mam I'm
investigating some murders no

oh you're the law

yes ma'am

yeah well fuck you

we had our chance it's over
I can't keep turning my back on Daisy

let's have our fight

awesome i'm gonna fucking destroy you

that's it get comfortable with piggy
you're about to share his fate you see

when I think of the law here's what I
think of you

I saved you minute ago you noticed
that right

yeah I noticed but there was

still some business ugly business going
on before then

let's not get into that

the part where you fucking betrayed me
after I saved you from becoming a mutant

sex toy and dinner

but I saved you after
that that redeems me then right

I'll say that it does because I'm a nice person
there's still one thing I got to do

what's that


what happened I must have
blacked out for a second

you were shot are you okay

oh yeah I've
been worse off this just gimme a hand getting up will ya

oh hell what

the hell happened to my star

it's in that
girl's head over there

mean that one

that tried to kill me

yep that's the one

well good done good
there beautiful

real good guessing these three here my
feed store robbers

two of them are this

one's not with them the other member of
the gang was eaten by the Beast a while


oh that's this one we've seen the
bloody remains of


and what of the beasts I mean uh he's made it this far
against all odds seems a shame to just

see him die out here like this

that was
just a gas grenade he's asleep I tried

to kill him earlier but um

but he's

shit maybe he can't be killed

you're right

well I'll make some calls

see what we can do with him whatever
happens you can be sure you'll be taken

to a place you could defy logic and
reason in peace maybe be provided with

some good beefy non-human food

and you
still have one living robber left to

question so you won't be going
empty-handed in that regard either

and the money

all there in that bag every
last dollar of it

well goddamn girlie

you got that money the robbers the Beast
what does a girl like you do for an encore

you'll just have to wait till next time

Subtitles by explosiveskull