Daisy Derkins vs. The Bloodthirsty Beast of Barren Pines! (2013) - full transcript

Subtitles by explosiveskull

thanks for the ride

no problem that's

what we're doing

getting out there meeting the fans

people like you

get over yourself vex is embarrassing

in what way

I'm sure she's never heard of us

What are you guys like in a band or

something

Are we in a band?

fuck yeah I wanna ban the only band that

fucking matters

isn't that the clash?

Thank You max could use a little

humbling

fuck humility, humility is for

losers little Missy I am vex do penance

and this it's catatonic fuck puppet

catatonic fuck puppet that's awesome

fucking a it's awesome so your pumpkin

Fuckin A it's awesome

So you're punk I'm guessing?

Yes that's exactly right

we are punk rock stupendous you said I'm

Vex Stupendous you said?

I'm Daisy

Heck Catastrophe

Mia DeSpell

Nice great names everyone

Thankyou

So you guys are on tour then?

Right baby we're on fuckin tour whoo whoo

more like tour of upstate Pennsylvania

And this is the tour bus?

Sad isn't it

Mia shut your fucking hole even the

clash started small

you mean like opening up for the Sex

Pistols fuck your mouth

Fuck you're mouth

tell me we got it tell me we got it tell

me we got it we got it

We got it

now shut your fucking germ hole

Geez what's with you two, we should be

celebrating not sulking

It's not the time to celebrate, we're not out of this yet

What the fuck happened in there you guys weren't

like this earlier what did

Nothing

nothing happened

we went and strong we got the money and we

left it was all very smooth and

professional I won your soul

I already opened the fucking safe for you

What else do you want from me?

I want your soul

Oh shit

come on you motherfucker

keep on coming get more MORE

and more

I'll just keep killing you again and again and

again I love to kill

Yeah, we were the epitome of cool right scarlet?

Cool as the flesh on a stripping zombie

You guys are fucking weird, you know that?

Alright then numb nuts are you gonna fix it or smell it?

I don't know what's wrong with this man

I've tried everything I know about cars

why don't you think of something?

I know fuck all about cars dude

I just write the lyrics . Mia use your wick and

shit magic magic and magic do it

You're an idiot

oh let's see you write a song you sloppy twot

I have cock face I used to write for WAD

remember

Yeah right, before they fucking fired you

WAD?

Yeah i's the band I used to be in. It stands for Weapons of Ass Destruction

oh of course I love weapons

of ass destruction

Oh course she knows that band

That's cuz they're actually good

Yeah but they never fucking hit it big until they

fired you're sorry alabaster ass

Get fucked vex Catatonic fuck puppet

is nothing without me nothing

I'm the sex appeal

Yeah slutty chick

bassist like you or a dime-a-dozen

I could replace you like this.

Guys really? This isn't getting us

anywhere

well mom the cars fucking shot what do you suggest we do?

we should walk back up

the main road and then follow it until we find a town

I didn't get into punk rock to walk places

no way and where's all the pussy I heard about?

you'll get nothing of the sort

from me

look if you just bring your fucking

iPhone we wouldn't be in this mess right now

well I was all about bringing the

iPhone it was vex here who talked me out

of.

He was like the iPhone is the antithesis of

punk-rock remember

I didn't say anything like that but I think we should listen

to a WOD groupie over here I think we

should go down the road and see what's

what

but what of our instruments and our

stuff are we just gonna leave that out here?

well it's not like we have any

other choice and who the fuck's gonna

steal our shit

we can't afford to take

that chance

fine you fucking difficult bitch but one

of us is gonna have to stay behind and

babysit the fucking car

me I'll do it

I'll do it

are you sure man I mean we're kind of be

a while it's a hike

hey that's fine with me

I need a good long rest from all you

Jokers that's good in my book

hey I'm heck catastrophe not fucking Bono

for sure alright you mooks let's

get going

have fun hiking losers I'm going to sit

here and start writing my memoirs

oh well good luck with that who wants to

read your fucking life story oh you'd be

surprised asshole I love them much more

fascinating life than you have I know

you are but what am i that doesn't even

make sense shit father face doesn't it

guys

please my dark bag just may not be able

to fix a car but it'd be more than

enough to erase your hideous vissage

from existence

I bet back this is really productive for

you guys

oh another sarcastic caustic

ironic bitch like I don't have enough of

that in my life

Fuck you

how far away is this place anyway?

It's far, very far

That's the whole fucking point

To be far way from where we committed our illegal act of robbery

can someone else drive for a while because I'm fucking tired

bitch bitch bitch. Do you know what we did to bitch bitch bitches on the inside?

bitch?

No tell me

Tell her scar

We tried to touch their titties

What' that?

I mean you know, we hit them. Hard

That's right

And then we'd fuck them with a broom handle or something

By that point they just let us

Yeah so hear that bitch?

Yeah but

keep on bitching

bitching I have a club theft-deterrent

in the trunk with your pussy's name all over it.

Did you really name her pussy? I thought I was the only one who did that.

I'll tell you what I named mine if you tell me what you named yours.

Shut the fuck up you freak

that's last thing I want to hear

would you both

shut the fuck up for just a minute

listen to this the thieves were

described by eyewitnesses as female hot

as all hell and sicker than a shithouse

rat were seen speeding off in a green

1999 Dodge Caravan if you see anyone

matching that description or that kind

of car we advise you to keep a safe

distance and alert authorities

immediately whether in traffic

you know

what this means right

besides being female personal knows

about us

no yes

it's pretty nice isn't it

I'm more interested in the crazier than

a shithouse rat description why would

they say that I thought you guys were

cool and professionally keep on bitching

bitch no means we got to ditch the car

it's gonna get us caught we're in the

middle of nowhere we need transportation

and I guess we're just gonna have to use

what evolution gave us beep you mean

we're gonna pull over get out and hike

no we have to get rid of the car first

because if they find the car then it

won't be very long until they find us so

I guess we're just gonna have to push it

off a cliff or into a lake or something

Oh can we do both like push the car off a cliff

into a lake

if we find a cliff over a lake then sure

I'm not getting a good feeling about

this bitch bitch

have you ever gonna fish in your twot?

okay yo Kenny I get it all stop bitching

that wasn't a threat, that was just a question I'm curious

How could I get mixed up with you people?

I'd offer you some shelling mr. Van

Cleef but you do not strike me as a

chosen you're very perceptive mr. Van

roughhousing I don't sip I suck

yes thank you

but you're right I am very perceptive

that's part of why I'm so successful in

my business sure my detractors will say

that I'm in a position that I am in

simply because from the father wasn't

old money but it's just a small part

of story and I can go on and on

anyway would you care for some other

vivacious maybe something it made harder

no sir I'm here for business business

and business alone

you know I had

feeling what's going to like you you

come to a business meeting and get

straight down to business

you'd be surprised how rare that is

these days

well I'm what do you call it old

school and I don't like to pussyfoot

around

no you don't you're a straight shooter

and this is of course while you were

here

but speaking of pussy I was walking

today by three of the female persuasion

I am aware of it the news is all over

the gay community

well I can't have

people thinking they just simply walk

into my legitimate businesses and leave

with my money it looks bad for me looks

bad for my businesses both legitimate in

other words in order to maintain my

stature community I require respect and

more importantly fear of the people

I use fear I use fear and I create a

psychological strategy they call me the

Puma before people know it they're my

slaves they're under my power

and I can get them using fear I can get

them to do anything I want anything at

all

you and I are on the same page Mr Van Cleef

these three of the female persuasion has

stolen from me already people are

talking and if word gets around that

someone got away with this I lose some

of their fear and they never recapture

that power it is imperative to send a

message a very strong message that if

you be so foolish to take from me hell

will find you and you will be sorry

well mr. Van ruffhausen my middle name

is Hell and I know how to give hell I

know how to take Hell and I know how to

make hell for everyone who comes into

contact with me

outstanding but just to

be clear this is not a Dead or Alive

scenario understood?

when I'm involved that's always

understood

and you're sure you're not

one of those professional killers like

in the movies with a strong ethical code

no women no children or anything like

that?

Haha, ethical code?

Let me tell you. For me, a bounty is just a bounty it has no it has no sexual

orientation

it's not a man or a woman or

or an animal

it's a bounty and I use those bounties

to wipe people up just like the paper

towel of the same name

good

that's the attitude one should have in your

line of work just one last thing

you're don't have any weird hangups

or anything do anything that might

prevent you from completing your job

how

dare you nothing distracts me

nothing not even a six-pack of young

hotties these females are supposedly

rather attractive so we don't worried

that this might keep you thinking about

something else rather than money

come on money is all I think about I'm a

dirty Jew after all and and and I don't

think about those things that you might

be thinking about I am a professional

you know it's not so much about titties

and by the way that's a very low-class

word love pillows is what I would say

sir but in my book it's tea tea tea tea

tea tea it's it's fine

yes track them torture them terminate

them that's great

you should get a trade mark very well

mr. Van Cleve you convinced me the

contract is yours just remember if the

law gets them first you get nothing if a

jury affords the luxury of due process

and fair trial but it's hardly the

message I'm trying to send understood

Understood

tea tea tea tea tea tea

sorry sonbitch never had a chance

look at em

goddamn massacre

it ain't pretty blaze

this ain't about no big score neither

about killing plain and simple

yeah but they stole the money Blaze

I know they stole the money all right I can

see that I'm just saying it was about

more than that I mean they didn't have to kill these

people they they they they wanted to

they enjoy killing just look at this

carnage Colt they enjoy it

but maybe ballistics will show the guards fired

first think of that

Come again

Perhaps these ladies acted in self-defense

Self defense, you here that?

they was robbing the damn place

still

the guards didn't have to shoot at em

And who in the name of Charles H Darwin are you?

oh I'm uh Asmodeus Herod CSI

Wow

yeah crime solving just got a hell of a

lot more gayer

you were thinking that too huh

big time

anyways I was saying these girlies might

be pretty but they're about as deadly as a Menstruating Sidewinder with the hiv

God that's pretty damn deadly Blaze

damn

right we're gonna have to think like them

too if we're ever gonna catch them

shit

shit is right Colt my boy I'm gonna have

to travel into a very savage animalistic

hellish landscape within our very

selves if we're gonna have a chance

against these bloodthirsty maniacs

I'm gonna have to travel into the very

heart of darkness if you will but just

you be careful when you glance into the

Abyss young Colt as every one moment it

could be enough to change you and lure

you into a drooling depraved monster for

the rest of your days

hey guys I'm gonna

go get Starbucks new guy buying you guys

want lattes you wait you might be a chai

guy good yes

no I got it I got it it's cool thanks

guys

what the fuck

city faggots

Wow

If we don't get to that show in time they're gonna kick us of the fuckin tour

we need that tour like invaluable

exposure

Right, because opening for kitten crawling into orifices was really getting us places

Like the ass end of Pennsylvania for example

there are people out here Mia

there are kids kids with anger and

drinking problems and our music speaks

to those kids

you actually think your music means

something to somebody but that's almost

cute like a puppy with horrible birth

defects

you know what man that's as

close to a compliment as I've ever heard

from you I want to take it so what's

your deal Daisy and try to give me the

less cryptic version if you could

what

she says she's hunting evil do you need

her to draw you a fucking picture

Oh ha fucking ha seriously are you the

least bit curious

I'm not trying to be

cryptic I've got nothing to hide

so what the fuck are you really doing out here

then

investigating claims of a local

legend

then why don't you just say that

in the first place that doesn't sound so

strange

what do you like write for a magazine

like weird New Jersey

no I'm not a

writer

Like are you at school?

Is this your thesis

no I stopped going I

stopped out there I discovered that my

true calling was something that never

could be taught in a classroom

oh no this doesn't have anything to do with

Jesus does it

oh please tell me it's not

I stopped believing in God the night my

friends were killed

oh I'm sorry

killed a by an evil

soulless monster the likes of which no God

would have ever created or have allowed to walk

on his earth

sounds like a really awful

person

no it wasn't a person

I'm not saying monster in a figurative

sense I'm talking about a real fucking

monster with three heads fangs and eerie

glowing eyes

a real fucking monster

that's exactly what's out here in these

woods and that's why I came here

I discovered I had a gift that night a

gift to be able to look evil square in

the eye to grapple with evil in Hand to hand

combat and win the monster I slew that

and I will claim no more lives of

innocent victims neither will this one

stupid-ass motherfucker making fun of me

heck catastrophe for writing my memoirs

this shit's gonna be riveting a real

page-turner number one on the New

York Times bestseller list material he

does not know what I have seen whoa what

was that? Vex? Mia? the new girl? shit

Mia no wear bacon hangers from Wendy's

for you you gotta lay off that shit whoa

that's that shook the whole fucking car

they don't get earthquakes around here

do they

I'm getting back in the car before

something fucked up happens

no fucking

way

Dinosaur!

why the fuck do I have to carry this

you two have done time you got bigger fucking

arms than me

all the better to break you

with my dear

now shut the fuck up and accept your

loan that's like a good little mule oh

man that was fucking awesome some shit

pushing that car off the fucking cliff

and then what oh wait right beneath it

boom awesome

yeah we really got the most

out of a whole car ditching experience

didn't we

yeah a car off a cliff into a

lake cross it off my bucket list now

you

already have a bucket list

yeah I don't plan on living long

that's comforting

our whole goal was to find another car

why didn't we stick by the road and you

people could I don't know whatever it is

you do carjack them

we're not gonna

find a car way out here

Quite easily actually

what the fuck is

that supposed to mean

straight ahead

yeah cuz I'm gonna see a

car not bloody likely

see for yourself bitch

shit that was unexpected

go check it out

seems someone was here recently

yeah writing his memoirs

you guys

oh fuck

what is it

look

Oh shit

Somebody was just fuckin

slaughtered here

Blood's not even try it

this just happened

oh my god

who could have done this

thinking bear

may be

certainly no human

Unless it was that guy Doug you met on craigslist remember him

yes I remember

Doug please never mentioned Doug

again especially when I'm on edge and

wielding a deadly weapon

Duly noted.

And Maria go

check the car see if it's working

what no fucking way I am NOT going in

there

why not

whatever did this couldn't possibly fit

in the car

fuck do you know it could be

a gremlin or fucking honey badger

they don't give a shit

annamaria will you stop being a retarded

fucking bitch and go check the car for me

if you're so sure there's nothing in

there why don't you fucking check it

because I'm asking you nicely please go

check the car for me I'll fucking cover

you in case anything happens which it

won't

fine but I want a bigger cut

you'll get

no such thing now go my patience is at

an end

Fine, fuck

fuck what am I doing here with these

crazy fucking people this is not the

life I wanted

Are the keys in there?

yes

in the ignition?

yes

Turn em see what happens

is there anything lurking in the seat

behind me

no you're fine there's nothing

back there

go on

alright alright here goes

it's not working

try it again

no nothing it's dead

are you sure?

yes I'm

fucking sure you want to try

no you can

get out

gee thanks

so now what

so now we just keep moving

further into the woods where this thing

that devoured this poor guy is and now

as it taste for human flesh

either that or we turn ourselves in to

the authorities do you really want to be

locked up with us annamaria

no

and we've

got guns and ammo we are more than

prepared to deal with whatever gets in

our way

if you say so

now let's grab the

bag and let's go

um since this car is no

good and do you think we can push it off

the cliff into the lake

Scarlett that

cliff was over a mile away

is that a no then cuz I mean they might

just you know they're our last chance to

do it

that moment has passed scarlet it

was something magical that we all shared

but it's over now we'll always have the

memory and that'll have to do

yeah yeah

I have to pee

so go but be quick about it

fuck you're demanding

apparently not

enough look at the company I keep

Oh

Kunti - twit with a cunning wit how cute

excuse me while I go relieve my bladder

on these bushes bitch

you guys are

friends right

I don't like that word

you

don't have to keep up with the sneering

punk-rock attitude around me and there's

no one else around no cameras and no

audience I won't tell anyone if you

admit to caring about someone

It's got nothing to do with Punk I'm not posing

or posturing I mean you've spent some

time with him now

he's fucking repugnant

okay shut up shut

up shut up you're gonna have a very fast

sex change operation now now you gonna

answer some questions, you're gona answer them fast and succinct

First of all who are you

I'm Vex Stupendous

What kind of a stupid name is that? Answer

what are you doing out here

in the woods

We're looking for a car or a town

or a person

Congratulations, I'm a person so you found me ha ha ha what is it

What is you want out here?

We're looking for help

Yeah what kind of help?

Who?

Why are you so aggressive?

Well it all began with my mother, you see

Hey hey hey, what, who is this us?

god dammit

Who is us who is

us

whoa oh very impressive you managed

to creep up on me nobody's ever done

that my entire career you are too sneaky

such a slimy slinky polecats yeah jumpin

Jesus on a pogo stick nigga please

oh thanks fuck you guys are here this

dirty old perv was watching me pee

enough I was not watching him pee I was

hoping he'd defecate I mean I was I was

interrogating him

for one

never mind Lance Bass over here I'm much

more interested in you be out here in

barren Pines looking for three gashes

except I think I found two of them and

unless Yahoo serious over here was

wearing a wig and a dress

what the hell

are you talking about

Yahoo serious

that's funny

You robbed from the wrong man and he

paid me you embarrassed him he paid me

that to make an example of you and you

seriously you're gonna start making some

sense here

you mean Yahoo seriously

You're a hit man, is that what you're saying?

you call me shit man you young

people have no respect for your elders

I'm a bounty hunter and I'm mighty proud

of it the only question here is I'm

gonna kill you I'm gonna kill you and

how much am I gonna make you suffer yeah

are you sure you're a bounty hunter

you seem like a comedian to me old man

What makes you think that we're just

gonna stand here and let you do anything

to us

I'm not saying you'll let me do

anything but if you know what's good for

you you're going to cooperate I'm

Wingate Van Ceef I mean Cleef and

and I understand you quite a quite a

handful both of you yeah yeah but but

I've been doing this since I'm 18 and

I've never ever failed

I don't care how bad you girls may think

you are you're never gonna get past me

oh oh no but but I'm not the total

monster I'm gonna give you some choices

you can either find an early demise a

quick and easy early demise or you can

suffer you can suffer it's all your

choice it's all your choice just just

get naked get naked and and let me let

me take a couple of nice pictures and

yeah you're not on the rag are you?

But I got this

nice move Lara Croft

you know what they say about men

with big gun

Where is it? Haha, fuck it

you've made your choice

you are gonna bleed you're gonna have

your period

Ahh, god damn it that hurt

all right now you are in for

now I'm gonna get you I'm gonna cut you

up you're gonna be bleeding just like a

turkey on Thanksgiving yeah yeah I

remember once I was hunting I was

hunting I took a biker I killed him in

the woods yeah ya

He's got a knife Mia

don't want you getting hurt

why should

you have all the fun

I could disarm him from over here

I'm

not sure if you actually have magical

powers Mia

sure I do watch this whoops my boobs

fell out

whoo boobs

what did you do to me what the oh

I beat you and then I tied you to a tree

boy find some help someone get you

you

can't do that

Where are all my guns? They had sentimental value

damned if I know they went

flying in the trees when I kicked them

by

Bye

come on guys

don't you know who I am?

so you wanna see my boobs Oh

No

oh too bad they're awesome oh one more thing

Oh please don't, I had a tough childhood

I told you, my mother, she got in bed with me. It's not my fault. I'm a victim. I was abused

nobody tries to kill me and gets away

with it coming

Stop making out with the perv and let's go

Coming.

Oh major pain

I'm sure we'll make a

nice treat for Daisy's monster out here

pussy

boy these gals sure did make a

getaway didn't they you really think

they made it out this far

that's according to our tipster guess

we'll find out for ourselves

that right there disqualifies them as

being locals if they was from around here and

there's no way they'd be hiding out in

these woods they must not know about the

legend

just thinking the same thing

myself

could be that they just ain't believers

but more than likely they'd stay never

heard of the legend for

right

how about

you son

what

you believer

of course

seen it myself you know the beast the thirsty

beast of barren Pines

what are you guys talking about

sorry we

interrupt your nap there Sleeping Beauty

sorry I must have nodded off it's it's

this job man it's this shit I see it

haunts my nightmares and keeps me up all

night I can't sleep it's the mangled

corpse visions it's the the broken homes

it's it's the orphans

it's the disfigurement of of bodies it's

it's held these homes they're drenched

in blood all right

all right Jesus

Christ we get it you're haunted

anyways we was talking about a minute

ago is a local legend

a local legend you say?

that's right legends of bloodthirsty

beasts of barren Pines turns out

according to the legend these very woods

are home to a vicious creature time forgot

creatures got no business being

alive in this era

wait what the hell are

you talking about

about a cantankerous carnivorous

creature from the Cretaceous

you mean a

that's right City boy

dinosaur

come on that's absurd everybody

knows that dinosaurs were extinct like

what millions of years ago

yeah well

someone forgot to tell this one either

that or he's just stubborn I actually

kind of admire him in a way you know

he's a survivor

we've got no concern for logic science

has to say about his situation

right because he only cares about what a

couple of local rubes say it your town's

bait shop right and and why not after

all they're the ones that created him

right your living legend I mean they're

the ones that keep it going give me a

break they

feed this bullshit to all you're

simple-minded town folk they just little

one more words one more word out of

you dipshit you continue this manhunt on

foot then you can see for yourself what

the beast is about

okay okay I get it

I offended your hometown pride your

rural Pennsylvania fucking dinosaur I

won't even talk about it anymore

good go back to sleep why don't you

I'm actually right now not very tired

well then just duck down so I don't have to

look at you in my rearview

that shit

guys that was harsh

that ain't shit boy

harsh is kicking you out of my fucking

car so you could be torn asunder by two

Terrence stories of prehistoric terror

you know what I'm uh I am actually a

little tired I'm gonna take a nap

good fucking sissy boy

hey uh hey

sheriff do you think I could try Satan's

dick

what the hell you're old enough

you know I've had Christ's balls before I've

never had Satan's dick

it's good stuff

right there hmm

choking on Satan big boy

Satan's Dick isn't for me Sheriff I

think you could have all the Satan's

dick you want

Evelyn you mind if we take

a break

yes I do mind

well then someone

else is gonna have to carry this I'm

done

you can threaten me all you want

I'm talking about physical limitations

here either someone else carries or we

rest it's only fair

very well we'll take

a short break

thank you

where you will rub my neck and

shoulders

what know if anyone deserves a

massage round here it's me

rub and scarlet will carry your bag

next this is generous as I'm gonna get

you're a hell of a lot of fun you know

that Evelyn

oh that feels good

fuck jeez I don't even get a minute

so what exactly is the plan here we're

just gonna keep moving deeper into the

woods until we find another car didn't

sound very logical

ours is not to reason

why ours is but to do and die

cute

we

did all right didn't we it's a pretty

big score back there

I told you I knew

where to hit

yeah it just wasn't the

aftermath that was very well thought out

watch your mouth Ana Maria just keep

doing what I tell you to do and you'll

get your 20%

20% no no no I thought we

were splitting 30 30 40 I mean you get

more because you planned it but Scarlett

and I get the same

Anna

the wheel man or

woman never gets above 20% everybody

knows that

but I am in just as much risk

as you are we all contributed equally to

the act

you didn't you weren't in there

Scarlett and I were you know those guards

had guns we could have died

I could have

been shot driving away I could still be

shot over this

we had to kill people

lots of people

Scarlett

oops

you fucking

killed people I thought you said it went

smoothly

it did but killing did went

smoothly that is it only took one shot

to kill anybody

our aim is right on so in that regard it

did go smoothly

well that is fantastic

now I can get life without parole when

we get busted and you're telling me I'm

only getting a lousy 20%

all you did was

drive the car

and carry the bag and

massage your shoulders and deal with all

your fucking crazy bullshit

I was deceived

well Evelyn and I are

always in and out of prison we're career

criminals and we're violent crazy people

to boot

yeah are you really that

surprised that we deceived you now shut

the fuck up and get back to rubbing

before I get pissed

back to I did

Anna what the fuck are you doing?

take it easy let's not get all crazy

fuck you fuck 20% fuck fucking neck

massages

see you in the funny papers

what a fucking nightmare this has been

yeah just like a nightmare except

nightmares are exciting and sexy

sometimes this fucking blows we're never

getting to our gig tonight

no sight of my

monster

I can't fucking take anymore fuck you want to fight

something fight a god damn tree

they're everywhere we're never getting

out of here I will never seen another

goddamn human being ever

finally people

Who the fuck are you?

None of your fucking business who the fuck are you

Catatonic fuck puppet don't shoot

what

well you know me and

her are this is Daisy Derkins she slays

monsters

what the fuck are you talking

about you're not making any sense

me and her Mia are in a punk rock band

called catatonic fuck puppet this is

Daisy Derkins she slays monsters yeah

fuck I get away from two fucking crazies

and the next people are even

more batshit than they are

what the fuck are you talking about

what's with the gun

I need a car

does it look like we're in a car or cars fucking

useless it broke down way back there

why do you think we're walking

broke down way back there? shit

what

did you um

leave a friend back there to watch your

car and your stuff

well I mean yeah I

mean hex hex back there why?

That's the second oh shit already

what's going on?

Your friend is er

he's what?

your friend is dead I er

Murderer!

no no it wasn't me

take her down

my nigga Daisy

Durkins you might really be a monster

slayer shit

I've got the gun

give me that

hey

you might

hurt yourself or me

this may come as a

shock to you Daisy Durkins but I've

handled a gun before I made a living

like that once

that's so true she's got

a sordid past just chock-full of

chicanery treachery and skullduggery I

love that word

I don't care the gun stays with me I

don't know you well enough and frankly

that's a good thing

my friends have an unfortunate tendency

to come monster Chow

whatever

it's

enough let's see if our new friend is

ready to talk

Talk

You just punch me in the

throat

I'm taking that into consideration

Now give me some answers who are you

my name

is Anna Maria

And why the fuck did you

kill their friend

I didn't kill him

no it wasn't me it was some kind of

creature or something

what'd it look like

I don't know we

didn't see it happened we got here just

after it happened

we who's we

my my

former partners Evelyn and Scarlett

they are psychotic vicious criminals

killers and they're after me look we

should really get out of here like right

now they're hot on my trail and they'll

kill you too I mean they don't care they

are monsters

monsters I can handle

not

this kind they're a whole other breed

what

are they after you for

ain't this the most revolting thing you

seen in a while

definitely ranked pretty

high up there blaze do you think it's

our girls

not a chance

whatever did this certainly was not

human I'd say this was a completely

unrelated incident this poor fellas car

breaks down and he gets out to see if we

can fix it maybe then he gets uh he gets

attacked he gets attacked by some what

kind of wildlife you guys got here blaze

That's sheriff thunders to you son I told you

about the wildlife forgotten here our

conversation in the car

Oh what dinosaurs please I was thinking more

like like like a grizzly bear yeah yeah

grizzly bear

we ain't got no grizzly bears

in these woods

black bears maybe no Grizzlies

oops oh

sorry

dinosaurs yes grizzly bears no how

foolish of me

you done now

yeah I'm done

good good I got a question for you mr.

Harrod you believe in God

I believe there's a higher power than us yes

why is that you ever seen him

no

You talked to him

no

ever been given a

solid shred of evidence that he exists

no again

fine in spite of your belief and

imaginary beings you're still very much

a man of science good I respect that are

all things other than religion you

require some evidence and to that end I

present with you Exhibit A

Hah ha ha, oh yeah

What the

Get off me

When I get up I'm gonna fucking kill you

Fucking kill you, fucking kill you

Fucking kill you and fuck you some more

Somebody help me!

Get off!

I'm gonna fucking kick your ass

here

ha thanks man

Another minute or two and the fucking freak woulda had his dick in me

sorry I couldn'r act sooner you alright?

weren't you wearing pants before

yeah

did you remember earlier than I really

um okay um okay I guess you

I am

consumed by a white-hot intense

berserker rage that will not be quelled

until I personally strangled the last

stinking breath out of that whiny

traitorous bitch anna maria

I feel ya

so let's go find that little dipshit post haste

you

fucking being touched me you know he's

dead now don't worry

what the fuck was that

an inbred hillbilly who'd been exposed

to massive levels of radiation I'm

thinking

yeah I'd go with that I just

hope we don't run into any more

I don't

care if there's a hundred of these

things out here nothing and I mean

nothing will stand in the way of me

exacting my vengeance on Anna Maria

count on it

so anyone else when I carry the giant

sack of money a little heavy

So what are we gonna do with all the money?

we no

that money is mine all of it

my life is gonna be jeopardized because

of this then I deserve a cut -

she's got

a point

you two haven't been through

half the shit I've been through over

that

okay so you get a bigger cut than

me but I'm just saying I think I deserve

a little something

you deserve a

steel-toed boot to the twat that's what

you deserve mmm

snap

Oh cute care to see

what I think you deserve

what the fuck

Mia where did you get that

it's mine

I always have a gun on me

I didn't

know that wait so you don't have a

cellphone but you always have a gun on

you

no phones is part of our image

nobody ever said anything about guns I

have enemies I need protection

Fair enough

Put the gun away Mia there are no disputes

here this money doesn't belong to any of

us and as soon as we find a phone or a

town we're turning it in

who appointed

you leader this outfit I think there

should be a discussion about this

right

clearly I'm the leader here I write the

lyrics you know

shut up

Daisy there's a

ton of money in that bag do you think

I'm just gonna give it all away then

you're a fucking moron

you heard what Ana Maria said there are

dangerous people after that money

They never met me yet

I'll show them six sides of dangerous

they've never even heard of

still it's

wrong

who are you to tell me what's

wrong the fucking morality police I

don't fucking care I've devoted my whole

existence to doing what's wrong

you're

not taking that money Mia

why the fuck

are we carrying it around if you don't

want it why not just leave it here

because those girls aren't getting it

either

I hate you all of a sudden is

there something else you should be doing

shouldn't you be hunting monsters or

something

I'm multitasking

if I can kill a three-headed dog monster

then what chance do you sand?

I don't care how tough you think you are one

bullet and you're out of my way for good

try me just fucking try me watch what

happens to you

what now Daisy Derkins

back-to-back fire at 20 paces

now why go

through all those formal theatrics when

when I can just take you out in one second

So this is an official challenge then?

Winner take all

no winner is taking back

Damn she's quick

My turn

Oh fuck

Shit

What the hell is that thing?

A fucking dinosaur

Not just any dinosaur

The blood thirstly beatst from Barren Pines

You're a fucking monster slayer, fucking do something

Wasn't I just fighting you?

I thought you said you can multitask

You wanna give me a hand here?

We can finish our business after

Shoot it Mia

As soon as this thing falls, Daisy comes tumbling after

What is all that?

Fucking war's going on

Come on guys

Don't drop the bag what's wrong with you?

fine have it your way

Now it's all mine again

Vex come here

let's let Buffy handle

this one that's our thing right monsters

She'll be fine let's run back and see

if that money's still there

and if annamaria has it

I've got plenty of

bullets left

it sound like like a gunfight was going

on but this girl did not die fr om any

gunfire

no she did not

it's not like last one don''t

it does

exactly but but all that gunfire

futile

attempt to save herself yep all those

bullets couldn't save her and I don't

see no damn creature carcass around so

whatever killed her survived that

hellacious barrage of gunfire so you

still think it's some black bear some

some poor kids

I don't know

come on man it's the second one today

you ain't ready to start believing in

monsters

monsters

well shit looks like she can't argue

about who gets the money now

good I don't like her anyway

I kind of

like her, I mean no not her personality

obviously I did kind of want to just

like dip my dick in it though

typical

okay

well let's grab that bag before another

dinosaur comes out and tries eat us

I

know it wasn't that some shit you don't

see anything like that every day

no you don't now let's

again

hey hey you okay

there have some of this

It's empty

hey wake up hey okay

come with me oh come on come with me

Oh fuck

why

me I have the worst fucking luck vex vex

are you here

yeah yeah I'm here

are you alright

no I am NOT all right

you're alive though

well yeah I am alive

can you see can you see better than me

can you see if those fuckers are still

here

I can see all around the

room but I don't see them anywhere

what

do you see

nothing a note really

fuck

heck got off easy one bite from that

dinosaur and that had at the end of him

at least he went quick

who knows what these fuckers are going

to do to us shit I always attract these

weird was don't I uh well I guess I kind

of bring it upon myself really

Mia

there's a there's this that's something

I've always wanted to tell you what

you're gay

no it's

ah don't tell me you

love me

please have some dignity for fuck's sake

I don't know I just I think I should say

something deep and heartfelt right about

now

we're not dead yet vex so why don't

you keep that deep and heartfelt shit to

yourself okay

I know we're not dead yet

that's why we should say this shit now

well what you can before were dead

maybe

Daisy Derkins will show up and save the

day

oh you mean the girl you tried to

shoot who he last saw being chased into

the woods by a fucking Allosaurus

It could happen come on man we found our way

I'd worse shit than this right

no we really

haven't this this is about as bad as it

gets

fuck man you sure you can't wiggle your

way out of that

Wait I hear something

what is it

I think it's them

fuck

it'll be alright

shit they still out

looks like

balls

ain't is much fun when they out just

make the most of what we got I reckon

fuck you

BAM that woke you up right

quick now didn't it

fuck you you fucking mutant you still

fucking in bred you probably dead soon

anyway

but not before we eat you and fuck your girlfriend

you'll

never get to chance

I got a chance to do

both right now you stupid son bitch we

got you and her tied up real nice and what the fuck are you gonna do about it?

She's a witch if you tried it if you trying to

kill us

she'll put a curse on you

I'm already cursed

let me tell you something boy

pay attention when I'm talking to you

he's a nice boy but he doesn't listen to

a word you say what's the worst that she

could do to me consider all this shit

God did to me already what kill me well

probably a good thing

yeah not just for me but for the whole

world

are you done you're arguing cuz I'm

getting mighty hunger you hear me too

and I'm not done arguing I have a

Die, just fucking die

why do you gotta talk to em like that they

just food does a puma talk to a hare

before he eats it does an owl talk to a mouse before he eats

just a bloodthirsty Beast the barren

Pines talk to anybody before he eats

them don't try to act like you're better

than they are you ain't you know you're

the predator they're the prey don't try

to make it into something more than it

really is

sheesh sorry now you want to eat first

you won't fuck

let's eat first not like

she's going anywhere and I can't fuck on

an empty stomach

well cut the pieces off

you want then

right

my that Satan's dick is mighty tasty

mm-hmm I can't believe he dead

you think I'm lying?

I saw

no it's just you know he was

always a tough son bitch

they had guns

he didn't that's what he gets for going

out unarmed

poor fella ain't gonna be the

same around here without him you know

this always been the tree of us since ma died

don't you go bringing up

ma again you know how misty eyed I

get

sorry

hey damn she was a beautiful

woman she shot him in the back you know

he never saw it coming

you think it was

these two what killed him

well there's no real way of knowing for

sure but that's how we're gonna play

this out

cuz it's more fun that way let me tell

you nothing beats to go to hate fuck

mm-hmm

so you want go first

of course I want to go first I don't want

your sloppy seconds

now you just stand

there and watch

I like to watch

besides you could take the wet hole and

I can take the dry hole problem solved no

sloppy seconds around here

watch

here she is

morning cupcake

get your fucking figure out of me

oh you don't like that and you're really

gonna hate the next few hours

look you want the money take it

I

already got that

fine fuck me then

if that's all you need to do

I'm in the indie punk scene I'm sure it's

probably something it as disgusting as

you before of course I would've been

drunk at the time, is there some whiskey

no I got nothing to dull the effect I

want you to experience every second I

want you to hate every second of this

dee dee guys like you before just get it

over with

oh no no you don't want us to rush this

once we're done here we're gonna cut you

all up and eat you like we did with

your boyfriend

okay that right there I

have a problem with

what can I say

payback's a bitch

payback what I ever do to you?

you killed our brother in the

woods

no I didn't

yes you did

I didn't

yes you did

bitch!

Is he alright?

he's dead and you're about to join him

Daisy Derkins is that you

yes now be quiet

Alright

you got me you got me Missy

I surrender

Come here then, I got a cuff for ya

er you have cuffs

quickly don't make me

come to you

wait you can't just let

him surrender kill that sick

motherfucker

he killed vex and he put his fucking

finger in me

is that true you killed him

yep ate him too

oh no I was too late for

him

right

that's why you have to fucking kill this guy

he ate vex and he would have eaten me

too

sexually and otherwise

you eat people

I sure do why don't you put down that

knife and I'll show ya

see he fuckin

eats people Daisy he isn't human he's a

monster look at him

now do your job and slay him you killed

his brother what's one more

but this

one's willing to surrender it's against

the hero code to kill anyone who wants

to surrender

those rules don't apply

here he isn't a soldier with a family at

home

he's a predatory monstrosity that will

keep raping and killing until we do

something about it right now

man this is

a tough call he eats people and uh does

appear more troll-like than human

just gimme a minute here, let me try to figure this out

what's going on Daisy

could you maybe just un tie first just

in case you don't win this Quite Mia I'm working, I'll be with you in a minute

I hope so

Now I got you

lucky me and with my brother's gone I

could have you both all to myself

oh you fight good Missy you fire real

good but I want you to save some of that

spunk for when I have you bait over my

workbench

and I can't wait to see what you taste like

Eat this

What the fuck

Daisy are you still alive

what's happening

he's dead they're both

dead it's all over

awesome thank you so much can you untie me now

depends are you gonna try

and kill me again

oh come on don't play

around like that you know you're here to

save me what else would you be here for

I was actually here more for vex and

the money

but you're a hero that's what

heroes do this is how you prove that

you're better than me like when he man

would see if Skeletor sometimes like I

know I may be an evil bitch but I'm

still human being

relax I'm gonna get

you out here I just want to see you

squirm for a minute

oh that's funny

that's really funny

hold still

thank you seriously

no more funny

business

I promise I'll be a good girl

you sure about Vex?

yeah I don't want to

talk about it let's get out of this

place it makes my skin crawl

of course

where's the money

I don't know I

couldn't really see what they were doing

here it is better grab this too

again I'm sorry I couldn't have made it

sooner

I guess that's the end of catatonic fuck puppet

yes fingers the first time in my life that

ever made a somewhat legitimate attempt

of making money

look what happens drummer gets eaten by

a dinosaur singer gets eaten by backwards cannibals

it's awful

I have no real marketable skills no

expensive education this whole punk rock

thing was like my only shot at making a

living without breaking any major laws

think weapons of ass destruction might

take you back

nah that ship has sunk

anyway I don't want to talk about this

anymore

it's depressing

okay

now we're right

back to where it all started wandering

the woods looking for a car or town

probably no closer to either than when

we first picked you up

I know

sucks doesn't it

and it's about to get a

whole lot suckier for you

ah Anna

Maria's friends I presume I was

wondering when you'd show up

you're too late though

she's dead

right she died and then you tried stealing the

money

dinosaur eat her so I took the

money

it wasn't stealing anymore on account of

her being eaten by the dinosaur dinosaur

Dinosaur

I'm sorry

the bloodthirsty beast of barren Pines

ever heard of it no

I doubt it

anyway after you tried stealing the

money

I need to explain how I wasn't

stealing again

it is stealing because

it's mine

ours we stole it first

and are you sure Anna Maria's dead

positive she couldn't handle the

bloodthirsty beast of barren Pines

that's what Daisy Derkins is for

fuck I

was really looking forward to murdering

that cunt oh well did she die

painfully

yeah it looked pretty gruesome

okay well I'll just have to find a

quantum of solace in that I guess

well sorry didn't get to kill your

friend

see ya

oh wait just a minute there

princess there's still the

issue of the money

damn I was hoping

you'd forget

and I got so worked up over

killing Anna Maria I just have to kill

somebody just to make the urges go away

a fight to the death is that what this

is building up to

mmm nah I think I'll

just shoot you and your friend I'm just

- too

too what

I'm too fuckin furious

should we be fighting too

probably

okay

cuz uh not not really feeling it

nope

no I've had I've just had the worst

day of my life my bandmates were eaten I've

been chased by a dinosaur

I was fingered by a fucking mutant and

I'd been walking around all day I'm just

exhausted

I was hitin the face with a

large stick felt up by a mutant I mean your day

sounds probably worse

I mean it's not at

all I'm an adverse to hurting people

because no that is that is one of my

favorite things but just today it's just

not one of those days

right no I

understand but then again you really

want that money don't you

yeah that's

another thing see if I step in and help

Daisy right now that money's going to

go right back where it came from because

Daisy's a do-gooder

oh then what the

fuck are you doing with her that's not

you listen we've got an opening in our

gang

so I've heard

so now it's

initiation time you say yourself your

bandmates are dead so that dream is over

if it ever was one so now you really

want that money you're not gonna get it

on Team Daisy so join us and then the

day is not a total loss hmm

that

certainly is a good pitch

thank you

the

thing is daisy saved my life

don't tell me

you've never double-cross somebody

before

well duh but you know it's just

today I'm just feeling more emotional

than usual

the choice is simple either

get rich quick or die along with Daisy

do gooder

mmm

I can't believe it guys we've been out

here almost all day to ever come across

a single living person

believe it city

boy we could be out here a whole month

and not see a single damn footprint

amazing we even found as much as we have

can't you like radio for a chopper so we

can get a better survey the landscape we

could be stuck the rest of our lives out

here

sounds just fine to me

it does

sure I'm thinking about doing

just that for a while now once I retire

have a little place out here in the

woods away from all the decay and

fucking corruption of the civilized

world look at this place it's beautiful

I'd love to live the rest of my life out

here a man can breathe out here

And what about the beast

I'm sure he agrees

with me

never mind

you know what I sure the hell couldn't live out here I need a

little more action and excitement

you know I'm thinking about taking the wife

and kids and moving down to Pittsburgh

maybe

all this we seen today and that ain't enough for you

this is a rare case

blaze this sure ain't the norm I want shit

like this all the time I need thrills

chills adventure you know aside from

this robbery murder thing and the

occasional dinosaur attack nothing ever

happens around here I need to be

challenged I need to live

it's the beast

Thank You Mia you've made a wise

decision

alright then we've hit her enough we've

got the cash let's just go

almost but

not quite

yeah

pick her up

let's go

good now one last thing

Evelyn no we don't have to kill her

maybe we don't but I do

why

because she kicked my ass that's why

I don't need that getting around that I

needed help to beat someone called Daisy

Derkins I have a reputation to maintain

but it's nothing to be ashamed of she's

the monster slayer

Mia don't be stupid

the only monster around here is greed

what then fuck is that noise?

fuck

aim higher

that's not gonna do any good it's just gonna irritate him

fuck you I've got a gun I'm gonna use it

back off this is my show

what the fuck

are you gonna do you couldn't even beat three tired girls

girls

that's what mr. Gas bomb is for

what the hell was that

a gas bomb I told you

not that I meant

Blood thirsty beast of barren Pines

what

bloodthirsty Beast of barren Pines

prehistoric monster of unknown origin

all right that's enough

sowho are you?

Sheriff Blaze thunders mam I'm

investigating some murders no

oh you're the law

yes ma'am

yeah well fuck you

we had our chance it's over

I can't keep turning my back on Daisy

let's have our fight

awesome i'm gonna fucking destroy you

that's it get comfortable with piggy

you're about to share his fate you see

when I think of the law here's what I

think of you

I saved you minute ago you noticed

that right

yeah I noticed but there was

still some business ugly business going

on before then

let's not get into that

the part where you fucking betrayed me

after I saved you from becoming a mutant

sex toy and dinner

but I saved you after

that that redeems me then right

I'll say that it does because I'm a nice person

there's still one thing I got to do

what's that

sheriff

what happened I must have

blacked out for a second

you were shot are you okay

oh yeah I've

been worse off this just gimme a hand getting up will ya

oh hell what

the hell happened to my star

it's in that

girl's head over there

mean that one

that tried to kill me

yep that's the one

well good done good

there beautiful

real good guessing these three here my

feed store robbers

two of them are this

one's not with them the other member of

the gang was eaten by the Beast a while

ago

oh that's this one we've seen the

bloody remains of

yeah

and what of the beasts I mean uh he's made it this far

against all odds seems a shame to just

see him die out here like this

that was

just a gas grenade he's asleep I tried

to kill him earlier but um

but he's

tough

shit maybe he can't be killed

maybe

you're right

well I'll make some calls

see what we can do with him whatever

happens you can be sure you'll be taken

to a place you could defy logic and

reason in peace maybe be provided with

some good beefy non-human food

and you

still have one living robber left to

question so you won't be going

empty-handed in that regard either

and the money

all there in that bag every

last dollar of it

well goddamn girlie

you got that money the robbers the Beast

what does a girl like you do for an encore

you'll just have to wait till next time

Subtitles by explosiveskull