Daddy's Home 2 (2017) - full transcript

Having finally gotten used to each other's existence, Brad and Dusty must now deal with their intrusive fathers during the holidays.


- Bye, Daddy.
- Bye, sweetie.

Bye-bye, guys. I'll pick you up on Monday.

- Brad.
- What's up?

Hey, Brad.

Hey, Brad. Looking good, buddy.

- Dylan, where's your retainer?
- I left it at Dad's.

Hey, where's your math workbook?

At Mom's house.

- Where are all your undies?
- I don't know.

How do we got so many undies?

Happy birthday, buddy!

Brad already got me one.

It was my idea! It was my idea!

Hey, look at that.



Megan, hold up!

- Are you all right?
- I'm okay.

Right here! Don't leave without it.

Come on! Keep it moving!

Inside the cones!

Inside the cones like an ice cream.
Let's go!


Here you go, buddy.

Thanks, Braddie.

- Hot cocoa?
- Yeah.

Nice. Little marshmallows
floating around there

all in formation.
You are the greatest.

I put a little licorice root
in there, too.

Tell me what you think.

- Hey, guys.
- Daddy!

- Hey. Hi, how was your day?
- Good.

All right, guys, hop in.

I'll get them ready and I'll
meet you at Tae Kwon Do.

- See you in 30.
- Great. Looking forward to it.

- Bye.
- Bye, Dad.

- Dusty.
- Yeah?

Sorry. You made treats for tonight, right?

No, I got the gift card.
I thought you were on treats tonight.

No. I did gift card and the treats
for the Halloween Spooktacular.

Okay. Well, I guess I'll hit the bakery

- on the way to the pageant.
- Bakery?

Unless you don't want me
to go to the bakery.

- No...
- Usually, when you repeat what I said

and you shake your head up and down,

it really means
you don't want me to do it.

- I'm just thinking...
- What?

Maybe homemade?

Yeah. Hey! Honk at him again,
you better count your teeth!

No problem, Braddie.
Homemade snickerdoodles

coming right up. One for you, too.

Should we fist bump again
or would it be awkward?

I don't mind a second bump. All right.

Thanks, buddy. See you tonight.

Bye, mate. Thanks so much for the cocoa.

- Bye, Daddy.
- Bye, Daddy.


- Bye.
- Bye.

These look great.
Thank you.

Look at that.

- Daddy! Karen!
- Hey! Hey, guys.

Look how sexy Karen looks.

Leather pants and side boob.

That's perfect for a school function.

- Honey, let's expect good things, okay?
- I know, you're right. Right.

- Hey. How's it going?
- Hey.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Look at you guys.

You and Mommy are so sassy all the time.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Hey. I got your novel.

- It's amazing.
- I'm glad you like it.

I don't know how you write
such powerful dialogue.

I mean, it must just
come naturally, right?

- Like everything else.
- You're so sweet.

- Are you guys ready?
- Let's go.

I want my shirt like Adrianna's.

No. No, no, no, honey.
We're not doing that, okay?

Put that back in.
Look like a nice kid.

Welcome to the One Horse Open Sing!

Before we get started,
notice we have

several professional video
and still photographers

to cover all your kids for free.

So you can all put your phones
in your pockets,

relax, and just be in the moment.

You don't care. candy Santas
and smashed potatoes

and dressing up my dog
like a reindeer.

That's what
Christmas means to me.

Thank you.

And now we have Megan Mayron.

My name is Megan Mayron,
and I like Christmas presents a lot.

But I don't really like Christmas.

My daddy was at my first Christmases,

but I don't remember those ones.

Then we had some with no daddy at all.

Then Brad came,

but he was always trying way too hard

and making everyone feel uncomfortable.

Then Daddy came back,

and Brad did a pretend Christmas

to show Daddy that Brad
was better than him.

So now we have to go to different houses
to have different Christmases.

Me and my brother wish
we were like other families

and we had normal Christmases.

But we still like our Christmas presents.

I want to be very clear about that.

Thank you very much.

Enjoy paying for therapy, boys!

You better shut your mouth, Jerry!

Absolutely, Dusty.

We're messing up our kids,
Brad, and it's on you.

On me? Why is it on me?

Because before you came around
we only had one Christmas.

So it's on you.

Hold on, hold on.
We don't have to circle the wagons

every time one of the kids
expresses a negative emotion.

They're fine.

Kids that get up in front of whole schools

and say they don't like
Christmas aren't fine, Sara.

Well, she said she didn't like
having two Christmases.

Which is on you.

So what if we all spend
a Christmas together?

A Together Christmas. That's good.

Now you fixed it. See, that...

Now it's off of you.

Let's invite Adrianna's dad, too.

- What?
- Yes.

- Are you being serious right now? No.
- Yeah.

Put that hand down.

I've been nothing but nice to that guy,
and he treats me like I abducted his kid.

I'm not doing that.

Why are you messing up
the mood now, all right?

We wanna go tell the kids my great idea
about the Together Christmas.

Wait, how did it become your idea?

It was your idea,
but I named it Together Christmas.

People of Bikini Bottom...

Hey, guys?

Guys. Listen up, I got a surprise.


- Guys. We got a big surprise!
- A surprise?

- Another pony?
- A trampoline?

You leaving?

Not quite, okay?

But, no, we got something better
than that, okay?

So much better.
It's gonna be great.

Guys, this year,
no more back and forth at Christmas.

- We're not doing the back and forth.
- Nope. I just said that.

- No more back and forth at Christmas.
- No back and forth.

This year, we're gonna spend one Christmas
all together, all of us!

- Yay!
- All of us. A Together Christmas!

- A Together Christmas!
- Can you be quiet?

A Together Christmas like a normal family!

- Yay!
- I'll get it.


Grandpa Kurt?

Daddy, Grandpa Kurt wants to talk to you.

No, no, no. Dusty, I'll just tell him...

No. It's okay, Sara.

Thank you.

Thanks, buddy.

What, Dad?

Yeah, long time.

No, I'm fine. Tomorrow?

- Tomorrow.
- No.

I could probably pick you up,
I guess, but...

- Guess what? My folks are coming tomorrow.
- I don't care.

- We can go together.
- You shut up.

Dad, do you want to just text... Hello?

Dusty, listen to me,

I think you're approaching this
with way too much negative energy.

Brad, you don't know what you're
talking about, so shut your fat hole!


I'm sorry, Braddie. I'm sorry.

You see what he does to me?

I mean, he's not even here yet,
and he's already ruining Christmas.

- Okay, okay, relax. Relax.
- I can't!

Look, your father hasn't met
the new evolved Dusty.

You're a progressive,
sensitive, child-first parent.

That's exactly the stuff he's gonna
make fun of us for. You'll see.

He's gonna scoff at everything we do.
He's a scoffer, Brad.

- Pepe, you have a grown son, right?
- Sí.

Why don't you tell Dusty here
how much your son means to you

in this season of good cheer?

My son is an abysmal disappointment
whose birth I regret more each day.

- You see?
- He didn't say nice things

like you think he did, Brad.

Dusty, you're being silly.

I mean, who wouldn't be
impressed with you?

Come on.

Dear God!

He looks as if he's been chiseled
from Gibraltar itself.

This is gonna come off weird,
Dusty, but he's beautiful.

I want to be his friend so bad.

- Dusty.
- Hey, Pop.

- How was your flight?
- Not bad.

Took 20 minutes to get to the gate though.

What's with that bottleneck
you got out there?

I'm sorry our local airport tarmac's
not up to your standards, huh?

I'm sorry. I didn't realize
you designed this airport,

or I'd have been
more sensitive.

I guess I'll move to a new town
with a better airport

that way you won't be inconvenienced
when you show up every five years or so.

Same old Mr. Touchy. I love it.

Here you go, Pancho.

Why don't you bring the car around,
we'll meet you at the curb.

Right away, sir.

I mean, no, I'm sorry, I'm not the driver.

No, I'm Brad.

The stepdad.

- This is Sara's husband.
- Why is he with you?


That sweater. He wears a red sweater,
so I can see him in a crowd.


That's him, that's Dad.

Dad. Dad.

- I made a sign.
- There's my big man.

And this guy's raising your kids
half the time?

He hasn't seen his dad
in a really long time.

It's only been since Thanksgiving,
but it feels like forever.

It does!

Four weeks? It's been a few years for us.

What should we do?
You want me to take my pants off?

Hey, where's Mom?

You didn't get her text?

Uncle Arny came down with
a bad case of the shingles.

- No.
- So Mom's staying back

- to take care of him.
- Okay.

But, hey, you still got me.

I sure do. I sure do!

We're gonna have the best time.


- Hey, Don.
- Hey, Muscles, come here.

I've got a cold.
Stay away. Don, Don!

Say, Dusty,

Brad told me about this
Together Christmas we're doing.

You two are such wonderful,
progressive co-dads.


I'm so sorry. Mr. Mayron,
this is my father, Don Whitaker.

The pleasure is all mine, Captain!

You piloted
the Space Shuttle Atlantis in 1992

and commanded the Endeavour
on three missions in 1994!

All right, come on, we're out this way.

Thanks, Dusty.

Say, Kurt, did you meet
any interesting folks on your flight?

I met a Scotch and a pillow.

You know, actually,
I always pick the flights

that have the most connections so that

I get to chat with as many
new people as possible.

- So you're a lunatic. Good to know.
- That's me!

Looks like one of your neighbors
is getting an oversized parcel.


Don Whitaker,
United States Postal Service!

Retired, but never too old
to lend a hand to a fellow carrier.

Brad, I gotta tell you,
this baby sure gives you a smooth ride.

Thank you, Kurt.

Yeah, it is surprisingly responsive.

Brad, he's not...

So do they take your balls
right there at the dealership,

or do you send them in
with the registration?

How does it work exactly?

No, no, they didn't take my balls.
Just $2,000 down.

This your place, Dusty?

- I pictured it nicer.
- Yeah, Dusty's house is nicer.

This is my house.

Just thought you'd like to
step in and see the kids.

Only if it's okay. Look, we don't want to
infringe on your days.

Of course, don't be silly. Come on, guys.

You got to ask another man's permission
to see your own kids?


We're back! With more daddies!

Hey! Look how big you two got!

Come on. Don't I get a hug? Come on!

And who's this barroom brawler?

He's our brother, Griffy, silly.

Hey, come here, pardner.
Dusty, you never told me.

- Why, he looks just like you.
- Yeah, not my kid.

No, no, no. I fathered that one.

Then how does he relate to me then?

Well, he is the brother of
your grandkids, Kurt.

- Here, here.
- Okay.

Hey, looking good, Buttercup.

Good to see you.

- Look who's here!
- Pop-Pop!

Tell us a Pop-Pop joke!

What's a good one?
Why does a duck have feathers?


To cover up his butt quack.

Hey, kids, I got a good one for you.

- Two dead hookers wash up on the shore...
- Hey, hey!

- Shut up.
- No way. No way.

- Sara. How's my girl?
- Hi!

What, Ginny couldn't make it?

She feels terrible.

But she sent a batch of
her special cookies!

- Is there milk in that kitchen?
- Yay!

I want the first one.

I get the first one!

So he gets to be Pop-Pop
and I'm just Grandpa Kurt?

What? I'm in charge of the cutesy
grandpa names now?

Look, if you want a better name,
maybe try showing up a little more often.

Tell the kids, from now on, it's El Padre.

No more hooker jokes.

These don't taste like La-La's cookies.
They taste like Chips Ahoys.

No, no. I sat right there in the kitchen

and watched Grandma
bake them just yesterday.

I like them.

So, this co-dads thing,
is that what you call it?

Yeah, that's what we call it.

So, on his watch,
he disciplines your kids,

gives them advice, tucks them in, so forth

and that bothers you not a bit?

Doesn't bother me at all.

And his total lack of masculinity...

I mean, his weak chin and soft underbelly
influencing your son,

you're good there, too? Yeah?

You know what? I'm just feeling like
maybe you guys want a little privacy.

Stay right there, Brad, all right?

He's just trying to stir the turd.

You can scoff all you want.

Everything is rock solid
between me and Brad here.

- In fact, best friends.
- Really?

- Thank you.
- Brad. Stop it. Now.

- I'm good.
- He gets really emotional.

- Brad. Hey. Brother.
- Did you call me "brother"?

B- Dawg. Chill out, man. Relax.

All right? Cut it out.

- Brad, don't.
- I know.

Stop. All right, look. Hey. Brad, stop!

Looks like you two guys
have a real solid arrangement.

You're spending Christmas together
and everything.

Speaking of which,
whose place are we doing that at?

We're totally happy to host
if it makes it easier.

Yeah, we could do it at my place.
I got more room.

We can do presents at our place,
dinner at yours.

Nah, all that back and forth,
who needs that?

This place, that place.

Why don't I book us
a great vacation spot

for all of us,
and we can all spend

the holiday week together?

- Yay! Cool!
- Thanks, El Padre.

I love this idea!

It's something extra Christmasy,

with lots of snow and family activities
for all of us.

Dad, I'm just worried about
finding a place,

you know, this close to the holiday.

Booked it! Airbnb. All done.

Yay, El Padre!

It's gonna be so fun,
since we're all such great friends, huh?

Off to the mountains.
Here we go, Griffy.

- Here we go.
- Big fun trip!

Let me get that for you, Sara.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

You know, Dusty, I think you and Kurt

spending some time around me and my dad

might do you both some good.

Hey, don't you see what he's up to here?

He thinks you and me are harboring
bad feelings for one another

and sticking us together in some cabin is
gonna bring out whatever we're harboring.

But you're not, are you, Brad?

- I'm not what?
- Harboring!

No, I'm not harboring anything.

Good, 'cause I'm not
harboring anything either.

Okay, well, let's use this
as an opportunity

to show him that we're not harboring.

'Cause we're not harboring.

You're looking at
one safe harbor right here.

All right, good.

You sure you want to pack it like that?
Is that how you're gonna do it?

Look, me and Brad got
everything under control as a team, okay?

- Right, Brad?
- That's right.

Yeah, what would I know about travel?

I've only been to frickin' space.

What, did you pack
the space shuttle yourself?

You pop the trunk, arrange all the bags
for you and your little space friends?

I did, as a matter of fact.
Yes, I packed the shuttle.

That's so cool!

I love how you're always
jotting down ideas

for your book in your little notepad.

People ever get crazy and think

you might be writing
something bad about them?

Say, Brad, would you mind doing some
"Yes, And" drills with me on the way?

"Yes, And" thank you for asking me.

I recently joined
an improv comedy workshop.

Brad's been pushing me to do it for years.

Because you're so funny.

Yeah, I really enjoy it.

You should look into it, too, Kurt.

I'd rather look into a loaded gun.

- Did you hear that?
- Did you just make that up?

- Zinger!
- That's provocative, too.

You ready to let me do that, Mr. Stubborn?

- I got it.
- It's never gonna fit.

Hey, kids, no, no, no, no,

why don't you jump into my car
with Adrianna, all right?

So Grandpa Kurt here can enjoy
Pop-Pop's company on the way up.

Already warmed up a spot
in the capsule for you, Captain!

Still never gonna fit. Ever.

No, I got it. It's fitting fine.

I just had to put it wheels-in.

Perfect fit! All right, let's go.

Hey, Adrianna, you know,
when we're up there,

I can teach you how to snowboard.

You're not my dad.

All right. It's gonna be a fun trip.

It's time for One-Word Story.

Anyone can join in,
doesn't have to be just Dad and I.

You always give us the best start.

- Uncle...
- ...Thomas...

- ...went...
- ...tiptoeing...

...into the...

...Empire State Building.

Where were you going with that one?

This all took place
at the pancake breakfast!

"G." Georgia, Georgia license plate!

Ready, and... Quiet Game.

- I'm terrible at this game!
- I can't do it!

- I just can't do it.
- I hate the Quiet Game!

We always liked the Shimpahs.

The movers thought the Shimpahs' house was
our house and almost moved us in there!

The wrong family!
We would've been living with the Shimpahs!

Which I wouldn't have minded,

'cause I had a huge crush
on Vicky Shimpah.

Dad, thank you.

You make a five-hour trip go by like that!

I just wanted everybody
to have a good time.

Nothing like a nice,
relaxing road trip, huh, Dad?

It was nothing.

I've been in a confined space
with a chimp.

Dylan's got a girlfriend!

No, I don't! Be quiet!

Yeah, you love her.

You want to buy her flowers
and kiss her on the lips.

Stop it! It's not funny!

Megan! What did I say about
teasing your brother about girls?

She's still doing it.

And she drilled him in the head
with a snowball too.

Well, I'm not her mother.

Now, go take your brother inside, please.
Go on, sweetie.

Come on, Griffy.

So Dylan's started noticing the girls?

You know, I think it's gonna
be time to give him the talk.

The talk? You mean the talk
about the nitty-gritty?

- The "nitty-gritty"?
- I'm on it, Sar-Bear.

I've been looking forward to this
for a long time.

I got a whole speech prepared, all right?

It's all heartwarming stuff.

I'm sure you and Brad will do
a bang-up job with that.

Unless this isn't a co-dadding moment?

- No.
- No.

- I mean, no, of course it is.
- It is.

- Yeah, it is. It's gonna be.
- Okay, yeah.

Yeah, we're gonna talk to him together.

Dusty! I read about some
gender-neutral flashcards.


He's got flashcards
to teach your son how to score.

No, of course not.

They cover human reproduction,
puberty, and hygiene.

Okay, great.
You tee it up with the flashcards,

and I'll knock it home
with the heartwarming speech.

- All right? We got this.
- You're all set.

I'll never forget when Brad first started
asking questions about girls.

I took him out for "the talk."

He was so inquisitive and attentive.

Then I dropped him back off at his dorm.


Well, come on in.

Hey, look, there's a game room!

- And a pool table!
- Adrianna, look.

This is what I'm talking about.

Look at that view!

Look at all the mortise and tenon joinery!

Sittin' fat.

Your old man sure pulled the right rein
getting this place.

I know. Better throw you a parade, huh?

I am really looking forward to that.

Well, you want the thank yous
printed on the bass drums

or the sousaphone covers?

Hey, did anyone bring my bag in?

My supervisor Clyde Unix...

He took over after
Kirby Keller retired in '86.

Horse farm,
upper peninsula of Michigan.

Gorgeous country,
if you ever get the chance.

Nice shower.

That's weird.

No controls.

Hey, honey,
how do you turn the shower on?

Shower on.

Off! Shower off!

Shower off.


Voice-activated water. Cool.

Water cool.

- Off! Shower off!
- Shower off.

- Water... Cool...
- Water. Shower cool.

- Cool the water.
- Water cool.

Water off! Turn off!


Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

You scored on yourself.
Friendly fire.

Eight ball, corner pocket.

- No slashing.
- Yeah.

- Good job, babe.
- Thank you, babe.

Come on, Sara!

No, that is holding.

It's too loud, Dylan! Turn it down!

I don't know how!

Hey, hey, hey, turn that down!

Griffy's asleep.

Why are you dressed like a woman, Brad?

I can't find my stuff.

Are you sure you got my bag
to fit in the car?

Yeah, of course. It fit perfect.

Look, can we skip this one?
I can't stand this song.

- Skip it. Skip it, guys.
- No, no, no! No, Sara.

This is a great song.

This is my real dad's
favorite Christmas song.

Yeah, well, I'm glad it makes him happy.

You think I don't want to like this song?

Of course I want to,
it's a super uplifting song.

- Yeah.
- But he ruined it for me.

What are you talking about?

All right, so I'm 12 years old,
and I join the Glee Club.

Glee Club.

All my buddies in the neighborhood,
they gave me crap over it,

but I don't care,
because for the holiday pageant

we're doing
Do They Know It's Christmas?,

and I was determined
to land that Bono part.

So my buddy Derrick Lindmeyer
is laying into the Sting part,

when out in the audience, what do I see?

My dad giving
Scotty Kimball's mom a foot rub,

not even paying attention!

I totally missed the Bono part,
and everybody made fun of me.

I got no recollection of that.

Yeah, well, I do, all right?

And I got a lot of other stories
just like it.

Science Fair, you left with
Brian Higby's mom.

Little League regionals, you left with
Mark Fitzgerald's mom and his aunt!

Yeah, now that I remember.

Yeah, yeah. That went into extra innings.

Know what I mean, kid?



Dusty! Dusty! Come on.

He's gonna ruin Christmas, Brad,
I'm telling you.

Look, I hate to hit you
with the tough love,

but the only person
who can ruin your Christmas

is looking back at you from that mirror.

All I see is you, Brad.

Okay. Well, sorry. Here. Here.

There. There we go.

- Still you, Brad.
- Is it?

Yeah, it's still you.

Okay, well, look, I'm looking at you,
so I meant you.

Well, I'm looking at you, so I see you.

Forget the mirror.

You're the only one
who can ruin your Christmas.

Don't look at the mirror!

I'm still looking at you
if I look in the mirror.

Don't worry about the mirror.
That was bad.

- Forget the mirror exists.
- Okay.

Let's just focus on those kids

and giving them
a better childhood than you had.

- You're right.
- Yeah?

It's about them.

It's about giving them a better Christmas.

There you go.

Yeah, and then we jam that
amazing Christmas right in his butthole!

Yes, we do. Wait! No.


You know, Dusty,
I'm just gonna take the mirror down.

Then we don't have to worry about it.


- Here we go.
- Here we go.

Hey, where's your glove?

No! Griffy!

Excuse me.


Griffy! Hey!



Watch out, honey!

Is that Brad?

- That's Brad!
- That's Brad.

That boy never...

Hey, come here. Look at this.


Dusty, you like that?

Let me capture this for posterity.

The Nativity is a big deal in Terra Haute.

This is the Redeemer,
this is Abundant Life.


Let's go, Pop-Pop.

- It's real pretty.
- We'll take the pretty gun.

No. No, no, no, no.

We're not gonna take that today
'cause we are a gun-free family.

Good Lord. What has he turned you into?

All right, throw it down!

All right, here it comes, Braddie!


Hey, honey!

Brad! Brad!

You need a hat.
You're gonna freeze, babe.

Thanks, sweetie.

You look cute.

Hey, I want to talk to you.
I'm worried about your dad.

Don't you think he seems
slightly less chatty than normal?

You got to be shitting me.

I mean, he shows up here without your mom?

Don't you think that's weird?
There might be a problem?

With my mom and dad's relationship?


What? They love each other
more than we do!


I brought you your hat!

No, honey, I didn't mean it that way.

It's a huge compliment. Come on.

You got to understand.

Brad! The Christmas lights!

No, no, no, no.

All the light strands are connected.

A terrible idea!

None of these switches work!

Heads up.

Dad! What are these levers for?

- Sara!
- Stand clear!


Brad, let it go!

I don't want it to hit your car.

Let it go!

- Tell him to let it go.
- Let it go!

Are you all right?

Look what you did
to the side of my car, man.

Dusty, I'm so sorry.


I'm not putting that Santa Claus
back up there.

I don't want to put it back
on the roof, either.

Why didn't he let go?

Because he's an idiot!

Son of a...



Don, wake up. Don!

Don, wake up! Don! Don!

Kurt, are you okay?
Did you have a bad dream?

Do you need to talk?

Yeah, I need to be held.
My heart hurts. No!

Did you touch the thermostat?
Did you turn it up?

Well, of course not.

Did somebody fiddle with the thermostat?

Yes! It's 85 degrees.

85! Do you have any idea how much

even a few degrees
can impact the gas bill?

Of course I do! It's unthinkable.

Dad? Kurt?
What's going on in here?

Why is it so hot?

Someone fiddled with the thermostat!

What? Who would do that?

What do you think you're doing?

It's roasting in here!

I like to sleep with my window open.

Hey, kid.

Are you allowed to touch the thermostat
at your mom's house?

What is going on?

Adrianna! She turned up the thermostat!

Said she fiddles with
the thermostat at your place

any time she damn well pleases.

Dusty, is that true?
Tell me that's not true.

Oh, criminy, Dusty!

You might as well give her your wallet
and your 401(k) while you're at it!

Brad, do you let the kids
touch the thermostat at your house?

What? No!
The thermostat is a sacred covenant.

I can't believe
we're even talking about this!

This is madness!

Oh, God, even Brad's got
his house in order.

Hey, you got no right to talk, all right?

It wasn't hard to keep me away
from the thermostat

once you shipped me off
to military school.

Kurt, you didn't.

He was out of control. He was a bedwetter.

I was a bedwetter.
Were you a bedwetter?

I was four years old!

Okay, everyone take it easy.

It's not Dusty's fault
that he lets Adrianna walk all over him.

She does not walk all over me!

I can see how being a stepdad,

you might not feel empowered to discipline
someone else's child.

Hey, quit your scoffing, all right?

And you two quit helping me.

Look, Karen and Roger spoil her to no end.

It's crazy!

And there's nothing you can do. I get it!

You're the stepdad.
You're screwed.

That kid's never gonna respect you

unless you bring the hammer down.

What the hell was that, Brad?

I know.
He's old school.

I think you handled this
really well, Brad.

I'm so proud of the way
you express yourself.

Come here.

Again? Really?

Good night, Dusty!

- Good night, Dad.
- Good night, Brad.

- Jump! Jump!
- Come on, Griff.

Jumpy, jumpy, jumpy!

Casey's here!

Hey, guys.


Hey, Dylan, look. Casey's here.

You want to come French her?

Yeah, you want to go do French
on your girlfriend, Dylan?

Megan! Leave him alone.

And where did you learn "do French"?

I'll go talk to him.

Dylan? You okay, buddy?

I just... I don't get
the whole girls thing.

Girls, yeah.
Yeah, that can be tricky.

But you know who'd be really good
in explaining that department?

Your dad. Let me go grab him.

No, Brad!
I just want to talk to you about this.

Just you, Brad, please?

Me? You sure you don't want to
talk to your dad?

Well, girls. Okay.

All right, the girl talk.

You know, boys have a...

A dingle, right?
And girls have a hoo-hoo or a whim-wham.

- Brad, I already know about that stuff.
- You do?

- Yes. From school, and it's gross.
- Perfect!

I just want to know what to do
if I, you know,

I like somebody.

Right, well...

You want to become her friend first.

You want to be that one
that she confides in,

that she tells you
about all of her problems

with the guys she's actually dating.

Got it.

It's called the Friend Zone.

And it's where we Whitaker men thrive.

We're the best in the biz. Yeah.

Here we are in a wild frontier,
full of majestic pines,

and you two numb nuts are sorting through

a bunch of dried twigs
on a Rite Aid parking lot.

You just can't go out on public land
and cut down a tree, Dad.

Dusty, we are the public.
We own those trees.

I get it. You need to
ask co-dad for permission.

Shut up. I know what you're trying to do.

What am I doing?

Make it look like I can't make a move
without checking in with Brad first.

Yeah, that's what I'm doing.
Am I right about that?


And we own the paint in the Friend Zone.

And sure we're gonna lose some.
Doesn't matter.

We're gonna lose a lot,
I'll be frank with you.

Well, what do you know?

Brad's having that
nitty-gritty talk for you.

Must be nice to have someone
to handle the tough stuff, huh?

And eventually you'll keep in touch.

You might even be invited to
their wedding!

And their dad's like,
"Brad, what are you doing here?

"Teresa never talks about you!"

And you're like, "I'm invited."

And he's, "I wonder about that."

And you show them the proof!

Always bring the wedding invite with you.

- Then they can't kick you out.
- Okay.

But you'll be sad ultimately
knowing that she's not with you,

and you want to prepare yourself
with, like, a mixtape of sad songs.

Anything from Chicago
is usually pretty good.

I don't really know that song.

Wait! No, no, no! Dylan,

that is the worst advice
anyone could give you.

Listen to your dad, please.

It's okay, Dad.
We don't have to talk about it.

No, no, buddy, buddy, wait, wait, look!

Hey, this stuff is all about confidence.

You just got to believe you're the best
she's ever gonna find.

You believe that to your core,
and she will, too, I promise you.

But what if she doesn't?

Buddy, you can't be afraid of rejection.

You'll never find love

if you're too scared to
put yourself out there.

Hey, Goggles?

Mistletoe is your ticket.

You walk right up to her,
you dangle this over her head,

and then you slap
your spaghetti suckers right on her.

I don't know if that's appropriate.

It's a time-honored holiday tradition,
Mr. War-On-Christmas.

Then you give her a nice smack
on the caboose

and tell her what a lucky girl she is.

- Don't listen to that part, all right?
- Yeah, don't listen to that part.

Look at me. Look at me.

You want to be like Brad
and be in the Friend Zone,

or you wanna be Dad
and get in the end zone?

This worked for me when I was your age.

You want to go for it, buddy?

Come on, you can do this.

No! I like Brad's way more.

I just want to be her friend
and listen to her problems!

My tree, my tree, my tree, my tree.

My tree, my tree.

Can I yell "Timber"?

- Sure can, sweetheart.
- Yay!

Is this okay?

Are any of these trees
even gonna fit in the cabin?

We're gonna cut off the top 25 feet

and chop the rest up for firewood, Don.

Now, this is the Duster Buster I remember.

A certified badass
that makes his own rules!

Go find a good tree, would you?

Boy, I don't know about this, Kurt.

Isn't it illegal to harvest
a tree from public lands?

Hell, yeah. It's a federal crime.

I tried to talk him out of it,
but you know how stubborn that kid can be.


Dusty, look, I know you're upset
about Dylan, but I just...

I told you, Brad, I'm not upset,
all right? We're co-dads!

If he prefers your terrible advice,
fine, I'm cool with that.

I just want to find the perfect
Together Christmas tree.

Well, I just don't know if
it's the best choice, you know?

Well, maybe we're not always gonna do
everything your way every time.

Trouble in paradise, fellas?

- No, we're picking a tree.
- Just having a conversation.

El Padre!


Hey, what, kids?
What, you find a dead squirrel?

We don't have to do things my way.

- Really?
- Yeah.

What about baseball snack?

I just wanted to give out Fruit Roll-Ups,
and what's the big deal?

No, I just feel like organic
fruit is much more nutritious

than its rolled-up counterpart.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

And what about Megan's diorama?
You didn't want to use any of my ideas.

Your only idea was the Bay of Pigs!

But it's an important event
in our nation's history!

It was bloody.

You wanted her to do green energy
so you could look Mr. Perfect Dad.

- I'm not Mr. Perfect Dad.
- You act like Mr. Perfect Dad.

I'm not Mr. Perfect Dad.

And we don't have to do things my way.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Okay. You don't think
I can operate a chainsaw, do you?

Guess who got his woodlands
management badge in Webelos.

I did! Brad Whitaker.

Dusty, look at this one.
Perfectly symmetrical.



Keep an eye out for rangers!

I've got to pinpoint
a 60 degree angle top cut.

That's what I'm gonna do first.

Yeah! She's cutting like butter!

Hey, Brad, isn't that a...

Hold it, hold it!


Brad, you cut down a cell phone tower.

Why'd you cut down a cell phone tower?

No bars? No bars?

- That was excellent!
- Get up.

- You really stuck that landing, man.
- would you get up?

I'd give you a 9.2 on my card.

- Brad, get up.
- I think Brad's dead again.

Man, you killed the poor bastard!

Brad, don't go into the light!

It's okay, sweetheart.
El Padre will bring him back.

- Stand clear.
- I got it, all right?

It's your fault we're even out here.

You're getting in our heads
and starting static between me and Brad.

There's plenty of static
between you and Brad already.

And you know what?
Deep down, you want him dead, don't you?

You can say it.

We all want him dead. I want him dead.
Everybody does.

- What?
- Come on, admit it.

Why don't you admit
why you invited yourself to Christmas?

Well, why don't you tell me, smart guy?

'Cause you knew I was back here
trying to be a good dad,

be around for my kids
the way you never were for me.

That's why you want to crap all over it.

Get up, Brad!

Oh, my God, what happened?

You cut down a cell phone tower, Brad.

You know, you're right.

I did invite myself to Christmas.

But that's because you never do.

I feel like I died again.
Did I die again?

A little bit. Come on.

Okay. Our report's all squared away.

Yimmy, Bill, thank you guys so much

for the understanding.
We really appreciate it.

I'm so sorry.
I'm truly embarrassed.

No, hey. It was an honest mistake.

Okay, you're all set.

Okay, we'd better get back to the site
and lock it down.

Hold on one second.

Is there any way
we could do better than $20,000?

Can't you reuse some
of the antenna equipment?

Sorry, no. These old 4G units
are obsolete already.

That's why you're getting
this one so cheap!

- It looks really nice, though.
- It sure does.

Hey, guys, keep it up, it looks great.
Happy Holidays.

Happy Christmas, guys. Thanks.

Please tell me you did not just spend
$20,000 on a Christmas tree?

Twenty thousand dollars.
"Can you hear me now?"

You want some eggnog?

- Yummy.
- Hey!

- I want some!
- Me, too!

Now, girls, that's a grown-up drink.

Yes. Thank you, Karen.

So we're only gonna have one.

What? No, no, no!

There's rum in there, so not any.

Are you writing about me?

All right. Somebody want to plug her in?

Yeah, I got it.


That's weird.

What do you think?

It's so pretty.

Well, it ought to be
at 1,200 bucks a foot.

Dad, we're lighting the tree!

Where's my dad?

Yeah, I thought it was
a little quiet around here.

- Pop-Pop?
- Don?


Is he still outside?





Dad! Where are you?

- I found him! Where are you?
- I don't know.

- Are you hurt?
- No, no!

No, I just can't quite get up.

Dad, don't move.

There's a pack of wolves on you.

- Is that what it is?
- Yeah.

I can feel something
tugging at my trousers.

- What color are they, Brad?
- They're gray wolves.

That'll be Canis lupus.
They're dangerous.

Really? They look like you could
just reach out and pet them.

I kind of want to pet them, Dad.

Now, Brad. Don't make eye contact
with the alpha wolf.

I already did! Right in the eyes.

Don't show any fear.

I don't want to watch the wolves eat you!

Breathe deep and pull yourself together.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.


Hut! Hurt!

Are you saying "hut" or "hurt"?

Dad, what happened?

You know, I saw the nicest tree
a ways off,

and I got a little off course.

I tried to call you,
but all of a sudden my signal dropped!


I tried to find my way back,

but at some point I lost consciousness.

That's about when the wolves
must have come across me.

It's all right, fellas.

You didn't have to go to any trouble.
It's all good.

I'm sorry for all the hugs.

I kind of don't want to let go.

I almost thought I'd lost you out there
to those nasty wolves.

Do you have any idea
how much I love you?

Well, of course I do.
You tweet about it every day.

You know how much I love you, too,
don't you?

Your answer is right in here.

I can see it!

Okay, now that everyone is accounted for,

can we please talk about who is paying
for that monstrosity?

Well, you know, it was Dusty's idea
to cut down the tree.

Yeah, and it was your idea
to cut down the cell phone tower, Brad.

Great, so as per usual
we get stuck paying.

- Wait, what does that mean?
- I think it's a nice tree.

I don't know. Dylan's retainer?
Megan's flute?

What about Tae Kwon Do
that you signed them up for

and didn't even ask us about?

Yes, and who paid for the trip
to the aquarium last week?

It's a really nice tree.

So now we're keeping score, huh?

Well, who paid for the parking
and bought each one of them a blowup orca?

After we told them they
couldn't have a blowup orca!

Yeah, because you were too cheap
to buy them a blowup orca!

Who crushed my car with a snow blower?
You did, Brad.

Who crushed my car with a motorcycle?

Hello! You again!


It's a beautiful tree!

It's beautiful, all right?

Okay, yeah. Dad's right.

It's a beautiful tree.

Don, I'm sorry, I don't think
I'm gonna be able to save the foot.

Yeah, that baby's coming off.

I'll need some morphine and a bread knife.

Brad, hold him down.

No. That's just my feet.

It's the mail carrier's curse.

Back when I used to sleep with your mom,

I once scratched her leg so bad
with a piece of rogue heel skin,

it actually drew blood.

What do you mean,
used to sleep with Ginny?


We sleep in separate bedrooms.

You know how badly I snore, Brad.

Boy, that is inspiring!

You know? The way you're always
so considerate to the other person.

I really want to take this foot off.

Hey, sweetie.

You know, you might want to
close your window.

You know, since it's winter?

You're not my dad.

You know, I appreciate you
reminding me of that every few hours.

But, you know,
we're not the only people here,

so maybe we set the thermostat to like 75?

I mean, that's still really toasty, right?


Okay, well, what if I counter you
at like 78?

And then you negotiate with me,
you come back at like 83,

and then maybe we settle at like 80.

- What do you say to that?
- 81.


Look at that. The two of us
are starting to see eye to eye.

Thank you, sweetie.

Thank God.

There's Brad with some makeup cocoa
for being such a jerk.

Thank you.

- Brad! What are you doing?
- God.

- Why would you do that?
- Look what you made me do!

- I didn't do anything.
- I didn't make you do it!

I thought you were bringing me
hot makeup cocoa

and you just, like,
threw it all over yourself.

You almost burned me, Brad!

- I wasn't bringing you makeup cocoa.
- Why not?

I would've said, "Here, bud,
here's some makeup cocoa."

- I've been waiting for my makeup cocoa.
- I didn't know that!

If I knew you wanted makeup cocoa,
I would've...


No, no, don't touch that!

I talked her down from the high 80s.

I'm making progress with her.
This is good.

I thought you had your house in order.

Look, don't you see?

We're doing exactly what he wants.

We're letting things out of the harbor!

- So you are harboring.
- Of course I'm harboring!

And so are you.

Harboring was working just fine
before he showed up.

Let's get everything back in the harbor

and let's harbor it all back
in and close up the harbor.

I don't know if I can!

Remember you said
let's put the focus back on the kids?

That was a great idea!

- Fine. Harbor's closed.
- Good.

But we're going halfsies
on the cell tower.

Fine, halfsies on the cell tower.

Brad, are you okay?


- Did you make tee-tee in bed?
- No, it's cocoa.

Did your cocoa make you tee-tee in bed?

You're sleepwalking. Go back to sleep.

The big boy
doesn't have to be embarrassed.

How would I pee upwards?

7 and a half. 13.

- Pretty good.
- Yeah.

Better than before.

Yeah, the skip was really cool.

Hey. Do you mind? Bowler's etiquette.

- What do you mean?
- It means you're crowding me.

What? You can't bowl with me here?

That sounded like a strike.

How's your hearing?

- Dylan, come on, buddy, you're up!
- All right.

Let's go. Hey, come on.
You can do this, okay?

What's with the kiddie stuff?

- What? The rails?
- Yeah.

It's how the kids
learn how to bowl, Dad.

You learn by fearing the gutter.

Like in life, Dusty.

Now, Kurt. The rails help a young bowler
build a positive self-image.

Dylan, come here.

Do you want to bowl
with those sissy rails up,

or do you want to stand
and bowl like a man?

I don't need the rails, I guess.

Attaboy! I'm proud of you, kid.

Hey, I'm proud of you too,
big guy, all right?

Dylan's going without the rails.

No rails? All right, Dylan!

Don't be afraid to release it high.

Here we go.

Good try.

When he's up there with the tears
and "I suck at everything" business,

that's on you, Mr. School of Hard Knocks.

Hey, better than him
living in your basement

in 20 years, Mr. Sissy Rails.

Come on, buddy. Give it another shot.

Okay. New start, new beginning.
Here we go.



Are we certain he understands the game?

He seems to almost be
trying to put it in the gutter.

I know. He needs to get
more height on the ball.

I hate this frickin' game!
It's so frickin' stupid!

Hey, everybody, check it out!

This kid's about to bowl a perfect zero.

Hey, mind your business!

Hey, how do you think this is gonna
make him feel about himself?

Well, this is character building.

Even the ridicule.

- Come on, bud.
- Come on, Dylan!

It's okay.

I suck at everything!

I quit, I quit!

Hey. Hey, kid, listen.

We Mayron men might not always show up.

I mean, we want to show up, we intend to,

but sometimes,
we get trashed the night before,

or we wreck a speedboat,

or hook up with
some Emirates flight attendants

and somehow end up on a redeye to Dubai.

You know what I mean.

The point is, we may not always show up,

but when we do, we finish what we start.

Now you get up there and grab those balls.

Come on, you got this.

Go, bro!

I'll take that.

I'll cover that.

Come on, honey!

- Come on, buddy.
- You can do it, kid.

Please. Please.

I did it!

Thanks for believing in me, El Padre!

You bet, buddy! I knew you had it in you!

You're a winner! You're a winner!

I did it!

Hey, where were you guys?

We're almost at
the front of the line here.

We were at the Starbucks
checking out the local talent.

Cute little number at the next table
was giving this one the eye.

And El Padre got a phone number
from the lady who made the coffees.

We got free ones!

- I drink coffee now.
- What? Get in here.

Big jump!

Welcome to the North Pole!

Hey, honey, are you sure you don't want
to go see Santa with the boys?

You were so excited.

Mom, Santa is so lame.

- Come on.
- He can hear you, you know!

You know, I'm sorry...

My daughter thinks that
your daughter is amazing.

That's sweet.

Which is cute, you're right,

but sometimes
when Adrianna does certain things,

then Megan thinks that it's okay to do it
because you said that...

Oh, my God.

Are you really stealing right now?

Sometimes I shoplift a little bit.

It's exciting!

No! I mean... Okay, yeah,
it's a little exciting.

My heart's really beating out of my chest.

What if we get caught?
You got to put it back!

You're so obedient.

You're always following
the rules, you know.

Come on, Sara.

Have a little fun with me. Relax.

I mean, I would love
to have a little fun with you,

but I just want you to know,
I am not obedient, okay?

- Then put this in your pants.
- No. No, thank you.

And don't touch my boobs. It's weird.

Stop it! I'm not going to shoplift!

- Why not?
- Because...

Because you're about to see why.

- Pardon me, miss?
- Yes?

- Is this woman bothering you?
- What?

She's a little judgmental,
but she's fine. Thank you.

No worries.

Welcome to the North Pole!

And what do you want for Christmas?

I didn't miss it. Hi!

Right there. This is a great shot.

- Are you getting it, honey?
- Yeah, I got a good one.

That's a great shot.

Thank you, Santa.

- You're welcome!
- Hi, honey.

What about you, big brother?

I'm sure you've been good.
What's on your list?

I kind of want

a 20-gauge shotgun,

so I can go turkey hunting
with my El Padre!

What the heck?
Where'd he come up with that?

Did he just ask for a firearm?

Sure did! 20-gauge. Kid knows his guns.

Kurt, we've already been through this.
Dusty and I...

Yeah, it is final. That's it.
It's not happening.

Really? Because I don't remember
being part of that discussion.

Or am I just some little obedient wife
who does whatever the men folk say?

Yeah, that doesn't seem quite fair to me.

Piss off, Kurt.

Honey, he's talking about a gun.

If I may, can I just

have a word with my grandson?

I just want you to fully understand
what you're asking for.

To take a gun into the wilderness,

find an animal living free,

and take away its life.

So that it can never breathe or run

or play ever again.

Now, is that what you really want?


No. I don't want to do that.

You have a good heart, Dylan.

I'll do it! I'll kill a turkey!

Can I shoot one? Please?

I'll have one shotgun, please, Santa.

And gobs and gobs of bullets.

No, no, no, cupcake. No, I'm sorry.

No, the men do the hunting.
You ladies cook what we kill.

Excuse me?

Yeah, excuse you?

Here, turkey, turkey, turkey!

Be patient, sweetheart.

The decoys are right around the corner.

This is nice, Dust?

You and me, the fresh air.
Just like old times.

What do you mean "just like old times"?

You only took me once, Dad.

Jeez, I don't know.

Are you sure this is a good idea, Sara?

Megan is a strong independent woman.

If she wants to help thin
the wild turkey population

so that they don't starve to death
in the winter,

that is her right by the Second Amendment.

Boy, you bought into that real quick.

I mean, I think for Megan,

this is less about wildlife conservation
and more about bloodlust.

Looks like somebody picked
the wrong day to be a turkey.

Keep your elbow down
and cradle the stock, okay.

Yeah, I get it.

Can I shoot the damn thing or not?

Yeah, that's the spirit.

Take a deep breath,

and then squeeze that trigger
as you're letting it out.

Megan, are you sure
this is what you want to do?

Let's name it.

She's not gonna kill it if it has a name.

- Yes! Gertrude.
- Sam? Tom?

Billie Holiday! No.

- Elijah.
- Elijah!

- Elijah, run home!
- Stand your ground, kid.

Save yourself, Elijah!

Take the shot, kid. Take the shot.

No, Elijah has feelings!

Take the shot!

Oh, God!


Oh, my God. Honey, are you okay?

- Kurt!
- Dad, Dad, are you all right?

I'm okay. She just winged me.

I'm sorry, El Padre! I'm sorry.

That's okay, kid. I've been shot
worse than this plenty of times.

Make your scarf into a tourniquet.

Wrap it around his shoulder.

Lift his legs!

- You'll be fine, sweetheart.
- I'm gonna bleed out.


Two for two.

Makes getting shot worth it.

Get the birds, Brad.

God! I don't know who this child is.

You get that one.

What? I know, okay?

It's on me.
I'm the worst mom in the world.

I put a gun in my daughter's hand,
and then she nearly killed somebody.

She's gonna be scarred for life.


I just shot a turkey and a man.

Guess which one's dead.

Okay, fine, maybe
she's a little too unscarred.


- You all right?
- Yeah, good.

All right. So, listen, the doctor said
everything is gonna be all right.

He just wants to keep you
for a couple of hours

to watch your blood pressure.

I'm fine. Where's my pants?

Hey. I forgot. Nothing ever hurts you.

Why don't we just round up all the nurses?

We can bring them in here.

You could do some pushups for them,

maybe bench press the couch a little bit,

prove you're still a tough guy.

Still tough enough to lick you, Junior.

- Was that a scoff?
- I didn't scoff.

Yeah, I heard you scoff just then.

All right, I scoffed. So what?

Why, because you think
you can lick me, right?

I never said I could lick you,
but I could whoop you for sure.

Now we're talking!

Come on. Best out of three falls, come on.

Hey, cut it out, okay? I'm not
gonna wrestle an old man

whose ass is hanging out
of his hospital gown.

Greco-Roman style. Best way. Come on.

Hey, Great Santini, I'm not
gonna do this, all right?

- Cut it out. Get some rest.
- All right.


That's one, candy-ass.

Now you're gonna get whipped, old man.

Come on. Bring it on.

- Tap out!
- Nah. I can keep going all night, kid.

You hear that heart rate?
You can set your watch to it.

Yeah. 'Cause ice water
only flows at one speed, huh?

That's right, pal. Now go to sleep.

You know I came in to say something nice,
but now you can forget it.

What nice thing?

No. Forget it.

You know, when that gun went off,

I thought you were a goner.

There's something that we never say that

one of us should say before it's too late.

Yeah? Like... Like what?

No, I'm not gonna say it now,
but maybe you want to say something.

- I don't know what you're talking about.
- Yeah?

Seems like you might want to
get something off your chest.

No. Nothing comes to mind.

But if you want to say something,

I'm not gonna stop you or anything.

No, I'm good.

But you might wanna unburden yourself

before you bust that frickin' machine.

Yeah. Well, if I was gonna say
something, and I'm not...

What are you gonna say?

But if I was, I might want to
tell you that I...


Wait, it's Brad! Don't... Don't say it!
Don't say it.

Knock, knock!

Time out on three, okay? One, two, three.

Hey, Brad.

What's going on?

Hey. Am I interrupting something?

- What? No, nothing.
- No, we're fine.

Why are you being so weird, Brad?

Just seems a little awkward in here.

Gosh. It smells like a bullfight.

So, look, guys,

I'm not here to tell you I told you so,

even though I did.

I've just been thinking that

we've had a lot of tensions
as of late, and I thought

maybe we could use
a Dads' Night Out. Right?

Yeah. So what are we thinking, Brad?

Strip club?

Even better.

Look, it's a cute tiny monkey
on your back.

Give us all the money in the drawers
and all the lollipops.

Guys, I can't keep up.

I'm gonna hit the head.

- I'll get us a couple more drinks.
- Sure.

Hey, am I crazy or are you guys
having a good time?

I don't know. I think we kind of are.

- That's wonderful, Dusty!
- Thanks, Don.

I told you we'd rub off on you two.

In this room right now,

there's a man who,
despite his advancing years,

is apparently an improv ninja.

Brad, you didn't.

I did. I so did!

Don Whitaker, ladies and gentlemen!

All right. All right.

You are the greatest.

Don! Let's hear it for Don!

We're gonna play a little "Arms Akimbo."

Do you know that one?

- Of course I do!
- Awesome.

They're gonna love this.

- Can somebody do my Velcro?
- Yes.

He's got tiny little girl arms!

Okay. We're gonna do a scene,
and we need some suggestions.

Can you suggest an animal?

- Raccoon!
- A panda!

Raccoon, good! All right.

And, sir, what is your profession?

I'm a dermatologist.

And finally we need a human relationship.

Father and son!

A healthy father and son relationship.

Or how about a divorce?

Now you're getting in the spirit, Dusty.

Yes. Okay. We're taking "divorce."

That's all we need. Give it up!

That's really dark.

Come on, babe.

Just a little fun before he gets here.

No. Stop it. I told you, okay?

No canoodling until
the divorce is finalized.

- It's not right.
- Come on.

Knock, knock.

He has no idea what he's walking into!

You're home!


Where were you?

I took our raccoon to the dermatologist.

He got two of the suggestions already.

He's on fire!

Aren't you even gonna address
the strange man in your home?

Yeah, bro, don't you even
want to know who I am?

I know who you are.

Don, if you'll excuse me,

I think I'm gonna start
giving it to your wife.

Shut up!

Just shut up with that kind of talk!

When we met on that flight,
I was really nice to you.

I listened to you tell your stupid story
over and over again,

and I complimented your hat!

- Brad, we have to stop this.
- He's killing!

Don't you see what's happening?

I do. I see a room of people
laughing at my father.

- It's amazing.
- Okay.

- Have some water.
- No, I don't want water.

I don't want water!

I want my wife back.

And I want our Sunday brunches
at the Cracker Barrel.

Braddie, we've got to get him
off the stage.

All you needed was
somebody to listen to you,

and all I do is talk.

On and on and on.

When am I ever gonna learn
to shut my big fat mouth?



My sweet Ginny.

Why is he using my mom's real name?

Hey, Dad?

Is this true?

Are you and Mom divorced?

I wanted to tell you, Brad.

Son, you're home from summer camp!

I don't go to summer camp,
I'm a grown man. Okay?

Why are you laughing?
I'm not part of this! Okay?

You are a part of this family,
and you will respect your parents.

- Yeah.
- Shut up!

- Brad.
- Just shut up.

Let me out of this bit!

What about him? Is he still around?

Do I have a stepdad?

Stop doing that to me!
I'm a paying customer!

Brad, let's go.

Come on.

Will you please just go out there
and talk to him?

He won't talk to me,
and I don't blame him.

You know, it's not really all your fault.

You can't blame Dusty.

He couldn't have known about Ginny and me
when he made that improv suggestion.

- You did know!
- It was pretty obvious, Don.

A guy your age either joins
an improv group

because his wife left him,

or his wife left him
because he joined an improv group.

- So you did it on purpose?
- No! Well...

Well, yeah. All right? I did.

You and Brad are all lovey-dovey
and smug about your relationship.

I mean, you make out every chance you get.

Meanwhile, my dad's ditching out on me.

Maybe I got a little jealous, all right?

Look, I didn't think
you were gonna freak out

and spill your guts
to a room full of drunken skiers!

- Hey. What is wrong with you?
- wh at? I d id n't...

Go out there and fix this right now.

- Go!
- All right.

Are you serious?

I'm keeping this.

Are you okay?

My parents are divorced.

Mine, too.


- Yeah.
- I think it was my fault.

- Was yours your fault, too?
- I don't know. I hope not.

I just found out last night.
When did you find out?

- I was a baby.
- When you were a baby?

Maybe it was your fault.
Were you a difficult baby?

I don't know.

You know what? Your lack of specifics
leads me to believe it was your fault.

No, no, no! You were not
a difficult baby, sweetheart.

Brad, dude, what are you telling the kid?

Come on, man. I know
you're upset about last night.

All right? I'm sorry
about what happened, okay?

I didn't mean to give
that improv suggestion.

It just... It just kind of slipped out.

- Know what, Dusty? It's okay.
- Really?

- Yeah.
- Thanks, Brad.

Look, why don't you come in
and talk to Don? He's feeling a little...

Oh, my gosh. I wonder who that could be?

What a nice truck!


- What are you doing here?
- Come on. What am I doing?

I want to celebrate Christmas
with my perfect little girl.

Don't you want to spend the holidays
with your one true real dad?

Yeah, come on!

- Let's come see the cabin.
- Hey, Roger.

It's so cool!

Come on, hurry. You're going too slow.

I'm coming, sweetheart.

You invite him all the way up here
just to get back at me?

Yeah, I did.

- Bye, Kurt! Call me!
- Yeah, next time I'm in.

That's her dad, yeah?

And you invited him, too, didn't you?

I sure did, yep.

I don't know what I missed,
but this is getting good, boys.

- I like your style, Brad.
- Hey, hey, hey.

You're opening up the harbor, Brad.

The harbor is wide open,
and it's Fleet Week!

All right, good. 'Cause I got a few boats
that want to set sail.

Yeah, good. So do I.

You favor little Griffy over my kids.

What? I do not!

He gets to sleep in your bed all the time.

Megan and Dylan never get to.

You want them to sleep in my bed with me?

God, no! Don't you ever think about it!

I'm not thinking about it!

- You brought it up.
- Good! You better not.

- Shut up!
- Hey, you shut up.

- You shut up!
- No, you shut up!

Okay. Well, he's not gonna be part of that
special thing we got planned tonight,

if that's what you're thinking.

Yeah? So you're gonna tell Adrianna

that everyone's invited
to that "special thing"

we have planned for tonight,
except her dad.

Hey. Five more minutes
and I get to be Joseph.

You're not the right type
to play Jesus' dad, Brad.

He wasn't Jesus' dad,
he was Jesus' stepdad.

And I'm exactly the right type.

You'd better stop hitting me

with that shepherd stick, Brad.
I'm warning you.

Brad's right. Let him be Joseph.

Thank you, Roger, I appreciate that.

It's Brad's turn, Dusty.

Dad, don't break character.

And stop trying to butter me up.

- Can we show some decorum?
- I'm showing decorum.

You guys, zip it!
You're gonna wake up Baby Jesus.

That's it. Give me the beard.

Don't touch my Joseph beard, Brad!

- Give him the beard!
- Dad, stay out of it!

Can we have some respect for the Nativity?

Cut it out!

This is stupid. I don't even get it.

Why go on a trip when
Mary's about to have a baby?

What's so damn important

you got to go to Bethlehem
in the middle of the night?

There was a census, okay?
We covered that in Sunday School.

Megan, what is going...

Did you get into the eggnog?

Hey. Who's up for some IHOP?

Yeah, that kid's pickled all right.

Mom, you're pretty. Can we go to IHOP?

I'm sorry, folks.

Having some technical difficulties.

Great, Dad. Now you've broken
the fourth wall!

None of it's real, folks.

I want to go wait in the car.

Give me the keys, Brad!

No, I am not giving you
the keys to the car,

because you're drunk and you're a child.

Nobody likes your dumb, stupid Brad voice.

And you smell like pumpkins!

- And you're a mean drunk.
- Kid's got an arm.

Drunk nine-year-old. Real nice parenting.

You better watch it, Roger.

Adrianna! Are you okay, sweetheart?

Is she okay? Is she... What is she...

What a shock.
Now we know where Megan got the eggnog.

You always assume she's the bad influence.

Maybe your daughter plied
my daughter with alcohol.

Maybe your daughter's that way
because her mother is a shoplifter.


Sara, we've been working on
the shoplifting thing, okay?

But that has nothing to do with Adrianna

being such a little nightmare
all the time.

My daughter is not a nightmare!

Come on, Adrianna.

No, sweetheart, I didn't mean that.

- Honey!
- Hey.

- What'd you call my daughter?
- He called her a nightmare.

Hey. I'm a lot of things,
but I'm not a heathen.

Let's take this outside.

Yeah, let's step outside the manger.

He called her a nightmare.

Here we go. Now, now, boys,

we can't just leave!

Joseph and the Innkeeper
rumble outside the manger!

Make the first move, Innkeeper.

Kick his ass, Joseph!

We are not going to do this
in front of the children!

Now, what kind of fathers are you, anyway?

That's rich!

Coming from a guy
who lies to his son for six months.

Maybe that's why everyone thinks
your stories are so "delightful,"

because they're all lies!

Sara, get the kids out of here, okay?

Happily. I don't want them
watching this anyway.

Have fun, morons!

- Pancakes, bitches!
- Do not say "bitches."

Kids are gone. Let's go.

I'm not hitting a guy dressed like Joseph.

The beard's off, Roger.

How many excuses
you want to pull out, man?

Now it's on.

- You know what, Brad?
- Don!

Yes, I lied!

Because whenever there's
anything wrong in your life,

if it isn't roses and rainbows,

you completely fall apart.

I thought we had an honest relationship!

Oh, yeah? Brad, I bet you never told him

about that procedure
you had last year, did you?

Oh, my God. What procedure?

It was nothing, just some benign tissue.

How about that?
You're both a couple of lying sacks.

And, you!

From the minute you got here,

you've been nothing but
mean and sarcastic.

Well, you know what, Kurt?

- F you!
- Dad!

That's right. Forget you!

Attaboy, swami. Throwing down F words.

Not the F word, but an F word,
and that's a good start.

Now, come on, give me the finger, big boy.
Come on.

- Come on.
- Hey! Hey!

Are we gonna still fight or what?

Roger brings up a good point.
Let's get the momentum back.

Come on, Roger. Get some!
Let's get in there!

- Come on!
- No, no, no, no, no!

If you lay one hand on each other,
whether the kids are here or not,

it will negatively impact them.

All right.
I'm not gonna lay a hand on him.

What are you doing?

I see. Yeah, yeah. Snowball fight.

I've got some Nerf guns
in the back of my car.

Want me to get them?

I pitched triple-A for the Red Sox
in their farm system, Roger.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Take your best shot.


Don, I'm sorry!

That sucks.

- I'm so sorry.
- No, no, it was all right.

Hey, no fair. That's an ice ball.

You bet it is.

You know, you throw that
and we are no longer co-dads.

I'm way ahead of you, dickhead.

You know, from now on,

we'll just act like
a normal blended family

with me hating your guts.

The kids will never know,

because I'm too good of a dad to
ever throw their stepfather under the bus.

But that's right where
you're gonna be, Brad.

Under my bus.

Well, guess what, I'm gonna celebrate you
morning, noon and night

because it's the right thing to do
in front of the kids.

But just know the way
I really feel about you

is you can suck a fart, Dusty.

A wet, greasy fart.

You gonna keep pump-faking that thing
or you gonna take a shot, Brad?

What? What?

He's never played sports ever.

Maybe it's stuck to his hand.

That's what I thought.

You know what, Dusty, you're not worth it.

Come on, Dad.


Psych. You're totally worth it!


- That was an ice ball.
- Treating your dad like that!


Look, it was an accident.

Go ahead, Roger.

Brad was right the first time.

You're not worth it.

Dang! Right down my neck!

Don! Sorry! Sorry!

That guy's like a snowball magnet.

You were right about everything.
You happy now?


I do like being right.

Hey, is that your baby in there?


I know. I know, sweetie.
It's okay, it's okay.

I know, I know.

This was Dusty's idea.
I never wanted to do this.

Hey, Brad. That one's mine.

- Is this bag yours?
- Yeah.

Sara? Sara!

Oh, my gosh.

What is going on here?

What's happening, Officer?

Avalanche hit the highway up ahead.

It's gonna take a few hours to clear it,

so follow the traffic back
into town, all right?

What caused the avalanche?
Was it all the snow?

Yeah, I'm pretty sure

snow had something to do
with the avalanche.

Keep it moving!

Well, I guess we could stop
and have lunch to kill time.

On Christmas Day?

What's gonna be open?

I don't know.

Look at that!

Looks like everyone had the same idea.

Oh, no. Everything's sold out.

Well, I guess we could see Missile Tow.

What's that about?

It's Liam Neeson.

He's a tow truck driver
who's on his way home for Christmas

with his kids and
happens along some terrorists

who've hijacked a mobile ICBM.

So he hooks it to his rig

and has to get it to NORAD
before Christmas morning.

I hear it's really good!

I don't know, Brad, it's PG-13.

I don't really care
for the salty language.

Well, it has cute little kids in it.

I mean, how dirty can it be?

Besides, you love Liam Neeson.

I do.

- Let's just give it a shot.
- Yes!

Looks very heroic.

- I'll say that much.
- I mean, really. Man!

The front row? I don't know, Brad.

- What about the...
- Dad, please stop!

It's gonna strain your eyes.

We don't have a choice, all right?

Look, it's Mom and Brad!

Santa's got a present for you bastards.

You're impounded, asshole.

You did it, Daddy! You killed them all.

No, kids. We did it. We killed them all.


We love you, Daddy.

I love you, too.

The only thing that matters
to me in this crazy world

is you kids.

And I'm sorry that your holiday was ruined

by those godless mother...

Sorry, folks.

Looks like we're having
a bit of a power outage.

We don't know when
the power's gonna come back on,

so you guys are all welcome
to stay in here or in the lobby.

The DOT wants everybody
to stay inside and off the roads,

so we might be in here for a while.

You know, I bet this is
because of the snow, too.

Gee, Dad, you think so?

I need to use the gent's.

Brad, do you need to go tee-tee?

Dad, don't say that in public!

- Just go.
- All right.

Is he still looking at me?


Is he doing that one look that he does?
You know, like...

- Is he doing that look?
- Yeah.

Where he doesn't blink? Yeah.


You know,

when I said that

Brad was turning you into
something that you're not?

Maybe, you know,
what I really meant to say

was that

Brad's turning you
into something that I'm not,

a good dad.

No? No, that didn't do it for you?

Come on. I thought it was pretty good.

That whole speech
was in the movie we just saw.

- Was it?
- Yeah. Word for word.

Dramatic pauses and all.

Liam Neeson just said that.

It must've been in my subconscious.

I'm gonna go drain the lizard.

Yeah. Yeah.

That is a very impressive

watch. Is that a Rolex? Mine's a Casio.

You know what, Kurt?

When we first met,

I was so excited about
our being co-grandpas.

And now everybody's miserable!
And my son won't forgive me.

You know what you and Brad really need?


I'm not taking any advice
from the likes of you.

No, thank you.

Okay, what do we need?

- Hey! Adrianna's here!
- Megan!


- I can't shake this guy.
- I can't shake this guy.

- You guys got stuck here, too?
- Yeah.

And, Dylan, look who else
got stuck. Your girlfriend!

We should put her under the mistletoe.


- Come on, stay under.
- Stay.

You like that girl, don't you?


who knocked down a pin all by himself?

- I did?
- Damn right, you did.

Now go in there and pick up that spare.

Here she is, Dylan!

It just doesn't seem right.


Dad, I really don't want to...


We're gonna settle this physically,
like men!

And when it's all over,
we're gonna feel a whole lot better.

At least somebody's
taking my advice today.

Cut it out! This is child abuse!
Honey, help me!

Don't be such a snowflake. Fight back!

Hey, guys, come on, knock it off.

You're making a scene, all right?

Yeah, Don, lean on him!

Engage me, son,
for the sake of our male bond.

No, wait, wait, look. Look!

What's he doing?

Oh, my God. He's going in
for his first kiss.

Look, she's standing under the mistletoe.

Oh, my God. Where's my phone?
Where's my phone?

Oh, my God, where's your phone?

Brad, where's your phone!

Okay, it's right here.
Right here. Yeah. Yeah.

Look how brave he is.
She's all yours, buddy.

Unless she's got a boyfriend.

In that case,
there's always the Friend Zone.

No, there's nothing wrong
with the Friend Zone.

Guys, he's not going
in the Friend Zone, okay?

Look at that smile. She likes him.

Yeah, she wants a kiss.

My God, he kissed his sister!

Congratulations, you lucky gal.

I did it, El Padre!
I kissed the girl I like!

Yeah! Attaboy!

Did you just kiss your sister?
You sick kid!


I mean, still not okay, I know that.

What? No, no, wait, he's just
a little confused, all right?

It's no surprise
when you look at who raised him.

Adrianna, come on. We're going home.

Wait, wait, Roger,
you can't go out in that storm.

I was an alternate for Season 3
Ice Road Truckers.

I'll be fine.

That was their best season.

I got this.

Wait a minute. Roger, hold up, man.

No. From now on, I don't want you
anywhere near my daughter.

I don't want anything to do
with any of you people!

Look, I never wanted to be
family with you, either, Roger.

Just like Brad never wanted to
be family with me, did you, Brad?

No. Not at all. I hated your guts.

In fact, I still kind of do right now.

Yeah. Me, too, Brad.

But we're all connected by these kids.

No one's going anywhere.

- You gonna stop me?
- If I have to, yes.

Yeah, right. You couldn't stop a clock,
you weak tit.

The hammer.

You know what, Adrianna?

You're not gonna like this, young lady,
but this is long overdue.

I love you.

- That got me.
- Got me, too. Right here.

What the hell did you just say?

You heard me.
I said, I love my stepdaughter!

And I meant it.
I should've said it a long time ago,

but I was afraid to put myself out there
and risk getting rejected.


You know what?

Adrianna, you're gonna spend Christmas
with your mom, okay?

You're not leaving us, Roger.

'Cause I love you, too.

- You take that back!
- Nope. I can't.

Can't take it back now.

Everybody heard it. It's out there.

- Everybody hear it?
- Yeah.

You're her dad, you made her who she is,

and despite her currently harboring
a fair amount of resentment towards me,

I love her, so that means I love you, too.

And I've never been too good
about saying it,

but I'm gonna follow Brad's example,

who I also love.

Now you're just saying things
to choke me up.

Brad! Cut it out.

- I'm trying.
- I'm a hot mess here.

- Don, please!
- You've got to understand,

when it comes out of nowhere like that,

what do you expect?

- Stop!
- I'm stopping.

- I'm currently stopping.
- We're...

Yeah, guys. Cut it out,
you're embarrassing me.

I love you, Brad.

And I love Karen, I love Sara,

and I love my kids.


I might need a little more time
with that one.

Sure, understood.

But we're making progress.
Maybe for your birthday.


You know. Unless you want to say anything?

- Anything at all?
- Say it, Kurt.

- Now's the time.
- Just say it, Kurt.

You want to say anything?

It's not that bad. Just say it.

- You can do it.
- Do it.

Nah, the birthday's a good target.
Good target.

All right, Roger, what do you say?

It's not too late to spend Christmas
with your family.

Damn, that's my favorite song of all time.

I'll play this in August,
I don't even care.

Yes! Fantastic!

He heard it!

Come on, Roger.

Look. Yes, we're all stuck here,

but we're with our loved ones.

I'm not. I came alone.

Okay, well,

he came to the movies alone on Christmas,
and that's a little sad.

That's a little sad!

But you're not alone, sir.

I mean, think about it.
We come to the movies all the time.

We sit with hundreds of people.

And we laugh together, we cry together,

but we never look at each other, do we?

Brad, it's not a microphone,
it's a mallet. See?

- They can hear you.
- You can still hear me, right?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Take a look at each other.

- That's right.
- Hi.

Give a hug. Give an embrace.

What we have here are the makings
of a really great Christmas party.

We have a Christmas tree.

We have music and snacks.

We have Christmas spirit.

We have mirth.

We have snow!

You know who doesn't have snow?

I'll bet he knows who doesn't
have snow, don't you?

Yeah. Yeah, I know.

I know where there isn't snow.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas, folks!



"Beautiful and smart.

"The mom that everyone loves"?

Oh, my God.
She's basing a character on me!

All right, guys.

We're not gonna see them again
till Easter,

so everybody say good-bye
to El Padre and Pop-Pop.

- Bye, Dylan.
- Good-bye, El Padre!

Hey, next time you want to shoot a guy,

don't just wing him,
go for center mass, okay?

Good-bye, Adrianna.

I don't want you to go, Pop-Pop!

- Really?
- Yeah, really?

Sure. Of course, he gets a hug.

Maybe you can call me
and tell me more Pop-Pop stories.

I would love to!

And I also signed you up
for SeniorMatch. com.

It's a dating website
for old people like you.

Thank you, sweetie.

Honey, it's your mom texting.

They're just getting off the plane.

I'd better go before they get here.

I don't want to make anything awkward.

- Bye, Dad.
- Bye, big man.

- Love you.
- I love you, too, Brad.

Hey, well, yeah, you have a good flight.

Yeah, let's not get that going.

I agree. You've got to start that younger.

We missed that window.

I really appreciate the gesture.

You do? Then okay.

- Hey. I'll see you, kid.
- See you soon, yeah.

Yeah, bye, kid.

- Are you coming, Pop-Pop?
- Come on, Captain!

Bye, Dad.

You know, Don, I've been thinking.

You don't need a dating app.

What you need is a wingman.

I switched our flights to Vegas.

New Year's at Caesar's, fix you right up.

That sounds wonderful!

Where are we connecting through?

Don't start with me, Pop-Pop.

Hey, Braddie. Don't be nervous now.

You are the kindest,
most gentle and honest guy I know.

And whoever your mother
brings down that escalator,

he's gonna love you, you hear me?


Is that Sully?

Wait, wait, who?

Sully Sullenberger.

The guy who saved 155 passengers
on the miracle on the Hudson!

Clint Eastwood made
a frickin' movie about it.

Wait. We watched it at your house,
it was awesome!

Right. Tom Hanks and Aaron Eckhart.

I really enjoyed it.

That guy is a national hero,
and he's gonna be your stepdad.


I bet you he gets free flight vouchers.

And maybe get us some vouchers!


Well, don't make him wait.
Go say hi. Go! Go!


You must be Brad.


- No, Brad.
- You're not my dad!

Brad, no, that's a mistake!

I don't care how many lives you saved!

You'll never replace him, do you hear me?

Brad, he's so nice! Come back!

You only have one good story,
my father has a million!

You're listening to
Jason Sinclair at the Panda,

and I've got a little holiday recipe
for you tonight.

Two cups of eggnog,
one serving of silk pajamas,

and a heaping helping of a loved one.

And I'm gonna add a pinch of smooth jazz

on the Panda.

And I have one question for you.

Do you know what time it is?

You know. Last year, the folks
at St. Benedict's, they...

They had a... A modern-dress Nativity.

Everybody hated it at first,
but you know the folks at St. Benedict's,

they got back at 'em, all right.

They won the prize for most original.

Then, of course, you have
the Maplewood Christians.

They had a kind of friendly competition
with the Nazarenes,

and took all their hay last year.

Yeah, you just try setting up

a Nativity without hay.

Merry Christmas, fellas!