Daddy's Home (2015) - full transcript

BRAD: Here's a question for you.

What do kids need more? A father or a dad?

What's the difference?

The way I see it, darn near
anyone can be a father...

(ROARING)

...but not everyone has the patience
or the devotion to be a dad.

As for me...

Anybody caught a Monarch yet?

...I've always wanted to be a dad.

Let me tell you, I love it!

Yeah!



(ALL CHEERING)

And I love my Ford Flex.

It treats me to a smooth ride,
and you know what?

It didn't break the bank.

Room enough for the whole family.

Yes, I love being a dad.

And I love these two adorable
little rays of sunshine.

Hey, Dylan! Good morning.

Whatever.

BRAD: Okay. I'm not their real dad.

Good morning, Mr. Whitaker.

- I'm their stepdad.
- Good morning, Megan.

Can you please put this on the fridge?

Well, sure. Did you do
another drawing of our family?



- Uh-huh.
- Huh?

That's me and Dylan and Mommy.

So great.

And over here, far, far away,

is you.

Oh? And am I wearing a baseball cap?

That's the knife in your head
'cause I was killing you in the eye.

Oh, I see.

Well, I love how you drew my hair.

That's poop.

Well, it's well-drawn.
And I'm guessing it's dog poop?

That's homeless man poop.

Oh.

All right. (SIGHING)

BRAD: I actually can't
father my own children,

ever since I hit a little
snafu at a dental office.

(MUFFLED) I've got
a little bit of a gag reflex.

Uh, close your eyes, breathe through
your nose, you'll be fine.

Oh. Okay.

(INHALES DEEPLY)

(MACHINE SQUEAKING)

(BEEPS)

Oh, you got a really weird tongue.
You need to floss better.

BRAD: Ever since then, my testicles have
been more decorative than anything else.

Hey!

And I thought I'd never have a family.

Until I met a stunning mom named Sara.

Would you look at her?

I am one lucky so-and-so.
I hit the jackpot.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Sorry I'm taking so long.

I have to show that Sixty West
building to those new clients.

- I know.
- (GASPS)

- Oh, my God! The kids' lunches.
- Already packed. I wrote them

little inspirational notes
to start them on their day.

They've already eaten their breakfasts,
and you look perfect.

You are amazing.

Look at this, huh? Another family drawing.

Oh, no. I am so sorry.

No, I think you're misunderstanding.
This is the first drawing

where I'm not dead already.

Sure, I've got a knife in my eye
and some homeless man poop on my head,

(SIGHING)
but this is showing real progress.

I think she's starting to accept me.

You can find the good
in just about anything.

I love that about you. You know that?

Thanks.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Hello. I'm home.

Hey.

How was the, uh...

What's wrong?

He won't talk to me.
He said he only wants to talk to you.

You want to talk to me?

- Really?
- Mmm-hmm.

- You mean me and your mom?
- Mmm-mmm.

- Just me? By myself?
- Mmm-hmm.

Sure. I'm...

I'm totally free. Let's go to the den.
We'll sit there.

We'll sit.
We can do it sitting or standing?

Doesn't matter. We're just gonna do it.

We're not gonna overthink it.
Yeah. Great. Okay, good.

Just the men, yeah.
A little rap session. Great.

(WHISPERING) Oh, my God.

I just want you to know that
I'm just here to listen. All right?

No judgments, no lectures,
just a compassionate ear.

- Well, there are these kids at school...
- Mmm-hmm.

...and they're bigger than me,
because they're fourth graders.

- (SHUTTER CLICKING)
- And...

Oh, was that weird?

I'm sorry, I'm just...

It's a big moment for me,
and I'm just trying to capture it.

It just came off awkward.

So, go ahead, continue telling
your story. Fourth graders.

Anyway, there are
these fourth graders, and...

He actually confided in me.

I mean, it was that father-son feeling
I've been dying for,

and it was even better than
I thought it was gonna be.

(SIGHS) I mean, he really needed me. Me.

That is so great, honey.

He even said not to tell you.

So I'm actually totally betraying
his trust right now. (CHUCKLES)

What are we gonna do about
those little snot-nosed fourth graders?

Oh, I think it's going to be fine.

He's going to try to do some
trust falls on the playground.

Really? You think that's gonna work?

As long as they catch him. Yeah.

Hey, Brad.

Yeah?

If I ask you something,
you promise you won't cry again?

Of course, sweetie. What is it?

Well, at school,
they told us about this thing,

and it's called a Daddy-Daughter Dance.

(GASPING)

So, do you want to go with me?

(SOBBING)

You said you wouldn't cry, Brad.

I'm not. Megan, yes. A million times yes.

I thought big people
weren't supposed to cry.

I think it's sweet that he's
crying like a little bitch.

(GASPS) Megan!

You are not supposed
to call people that word.

You know what? It takes a real
man to show his emotions.

(SOBBING LOUDLY)

All right, that's a bit much.

VIZZINI: No more rhymes now, I mean it!

FEZZIK: Anybody want a peanut?

(ALL LAUGHING)

BRAD: We were finally becoming a family.

- (PHONE RINGING)
- I'll get it!

After being pushed away
and treated like an outsider,

I was finally becoming
the dad that I always knew I could...

Daddy!

Hi! Where are you?

Where's Cameroon?

Is that gunfire? Cool!

MEGAN: Daddy, Daddy!
I want to talk to Daddy.

Hi, Daddy.

Good.

- So your ex is calling, huh?
- (SIGHS) Yeah.

What a treat for the kids.
It's been a long time.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

We're watching a really funny
movie with Mommy and Brad.

Oh, Brad is Mommy's new husband.

Wait. He doesn't know about me?

Well, I haven't talked to him
in six months.

We've been married eight months.

Brad, Daddy wants to talk to you.

- No! No, no. Don't, don't...
- I'm just going to say hi.

You don't need to do that. Brad, don't.

(CLEARS THROAT) Thank you, sweetie.

Hello, Dusty?
Super to make your acquaintance.

In fact, I just wish
I could shake your hand

and offer to buy you a cold one.

- Tomorrow?
- What?

BOTH: Daddy's coming! Yay!

Oh, yeah, I guess I could pick you up.

- (WHISPERS) No.
- Hmm?

It's Whitaker.

W-H-I-T-A-K-E-R. (CHUCKLES)

No, I'm not comfortable giving you
my Social Security number over the phone.

Uh, okay, yeah, my credit score is 752.

I'm very proud of that. (CHUCKLES)

I'm sorry? What sort of fighting styles
am I proficient in?

I don't know if I've ever been
asked that before.

Hello, Dusty, hello, hello? Hmm...

I lost him.

What just happened?
Did you just invite him to come here?

Is he coming tomorrow?

Well, I didn't know
he'd accept my offer so soon.

I mean, he really jumped at it.

Remember when I said he was like Jesse
James and Mick Jagger had a baby?

Yeah, I just thought maybe
he was really skinny and

jittery, and had like a little bit
of a British accent, or something.

He's wild and he's crazy.
That's why I fell in love with him.

Then you end up with two kids.

And I'm stuck there holding the bag and
he's nowhere to be found.

It doesn't matter how much love or passion,
or you can't breathe without each other.

All of that stuff is stupid in comparison.

When you have kids,
you have responsibilities.

He doesn't understand that.

Honey, this is actually a good thing.

- (SIGHS)
- I'll welcome Dusty into our home,

and we'll establish some kind
but firm boundaries.

All right? It's what Step-By-Stepdad
calls "setting up a Loving Fence."

A Loving Fence?
Wow, that sounds really great, honey.

But your self-help books
have never met Dusty Mayron.

He sounds like a rascal, but I don't
think it's anything I can't handle.

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

PANDA SINGER: Check. Check, check.

Chinese Checkers,
Czech, Czech Republic, pop,

sibilance, sibilance, pop,
one, two, six, seven,

check, check, check, check.

What do you got for me, Brad?

Oh, Mr. Holt, hello. Well, hopefully
the new voice of The Panda.

Oh, listen.

I gotta leave early today. I gotta go
pick up my wife's ex at the airport.

Jesus, kid, how'd you
draw that shit detail?

Brad, why do you want
this deadbeat in your home?

Well, it's not that I want him in my home,

it's just that the better
stepparenting books

say that the worst thing you can do
for the kids is to push out the biological.

You're in the danger zone here,
Brad, and let me tell you why.

Kids that grow up without their dads
always end up obsessing over them.

Most of the hook-ups
that I've had in my adult life

have been with women
that had daddy issues.

I don't know if this is
an appropriate story.

Look, my wife would kill me
if she knew I was telling you this.

Well, then you shouldn't tell me this.

When I met her in Denver...

You're going to tell
the story, aren't you?

...she was a topless maid.

- Ninety-nine bucks an hour.
- Mmm-hmm.

Never met her father.
But who did she meet? Me.

And who did treat her like shit? Me.

I eventually loved her,
but every time she got out of line,

I'd just pull the Humvee over
and ask her to get out politely.

And then I'd drive away.

Guess what?
She showed up at home every time.

This story has no relevance
to my situation.

Oh, it doesn't at all.
It's just a good story.

So, Pete, are we going
to hear this guy, or what?

(BEEPING)

(SINGING) One-oh-three-point-six

The Panda!

I'm sorry.

Keep it up, Brad.
You and I will fight in the parking lot.

BRAD: So today is the day I'm finally
meeting the father of my children.

Am I nervous? You're darn right I am.

But who wouldn't be? (SIGHS DEEPLY)

And here's the thing.
I mean, Pepe, you know, kids...

...they see through things and,
at the end of the day,

they know who's been around...

Holy balls!

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

I hope that's not him.

(GULPING)

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

There is no doubt this man
is your better in every way.

Well, you're kind to say that. Thank you.

Yeah, I feel pretty good.

- Hey, you Dusty?
- Nope.

What?

Are you sure?

Are you Dusty... No, you're not Dusty.

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

(ON RADIO) You've got
Jason Sinclair on The Panda,

the station everybody
in the office can agree on.

What is this?

Now if you're up in Wolf Trap this weekend,
do yourself a favor and check out...

(DOOR OPENING)

Hey! Where have you been?

I called you like 100 times.

(SIGHS) I know, my phone died. Look...

This motorcycle, is this...

Yes. He's here.

- He's here?
- Yes.

What's he doing inside there?

He's giving the kids
all kinds of Starbursts.

Starbursts? God damn it!

Sorry. Sorry. (EXHALES)

I'm a hot habanero pepper right now.

I got a few bullet points I want to
bring up with our friend Dusty,

starting with airport etiquette,
courtesy and expectation.

MEGAN: Oh, good story, Daddy!

You like that story? It's all true. Hey!

Who wants some more Starbursts and
a couple of uncirculated silver dollars?

So you are Dusty.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

I sure am. You must be
the new and improved husband.

Bring it in, big guns.

I already met you at the airport.

No, I don't recall that, friend.

Yeah, I walked right up to you
and asked if you were Dusty.

I'm pretty sure I'd remember
a heavy hitter like yourself.

(SCOFFS)

Well, must have been my mistake.

All right, that was me at the airport.

- Yeah, I know that.
- The truth is,

I saw you before you saw me,

and I'm thinking,
"This is the guy who's raising my kids?"

"And damn it if he doesn't
look like the real deal."

I mean, look at you.

You figured it out, didn't you?

You cracked the code.

(CHUCKLES) I don't know about that.

Don't play that humble game with me.

He is so humble. He's just too humble.

Honey, you got it goin' on.
Everybody says so.

Yeah, I got it goin' way on.

So you can understand
why I panicked at the airport.

- I froze, Brad. I'm sorry.
- It's fine.

Look, these are tricky waters to navigate.

They sure are, man. I mean,
that is insightful.

You know, I thought it was weird Sara
didn't tell me about you before.

I thought, what's she hiding?

And now I know.

A champion.

Hey, Brad! Did you see Dad's motorcycle?

Isn't it cool?

BRAD: It sure is.

What is that, an Indian?

Yep.

I believe they're manufactured
in Minneapolis.

I've never been, but that's the setting
for The Mary Tyler Moore Show.

And... What's the other... Rhoda.

Which I want to say was a spin-off.

Damn! You really know
your bikes, Brad. You ride?

Uh-huh. Yeah!

- Really?
- BRAD: Yeah.

I mean, not anymore. I did, you know,

back in college. I had a, um...

I had a Kawa-saki? Kawasaki Nine.

Yeah.

With the fenders and the...
The broil joint. So...

Well, you should get on her, man. Come on!

Take her out, see what she can do.

She's got a lot of power.

Oh, no, no, no.

Yeah, Brad! Brad... Please!

No. Hey, come on, kids. It's time for bed.

It's way past your bedtime.
Let's brush your teeth.

All right, come on, guys,
listen to your mom. Hey, look...

(STUTTERS) I don't want to overstep, but

it would mean the world to me
if I could tuck in our two little blessings.

Yeah. Yeah, sure, of course.
They're your kids. Tuck away.

Oh, thank you for that, Brad.

The King messed up. He messed up bad.

He thought he could just
ride off to slay dragons,

and his Queen would always be
waiting for him.

And then one day the King received word
that his dominion was being ruled over

by some curly-headed Step King
with good credit?

Oh, no!

Well, the King rode hard up on his lands,
and when he arrived,

he did gaze fondly upon the Queen,
remembering their good times together,

for he had known her in her prime,
when she was down for anything,

and I do mean anything.

Psst...

Sounds like your dad's spinning
quite a yarn. Mind if I listen in?

Oh, actually, it's getting late.
You two need to get some sack time.

BOTH: No, we want more story, please!

Hey, I'd love to be in here all night,
but let's be respectful of Brad's rules,

no matter how arbitrary they seem.
All right?

Good night, my little golden treasures.

Good night, my little magical cherubs.

- Here comes some butterfly kisses.
- (GIGGLING)

And some Eskimo kisses.

Good night, buddy.
Sleep tight. Sleep tight.

Hey, who wants good-night tickles?

- BOTH: Me!
- (DUSTY CHUCKLES)

Good night, my little breath of God.

Good night, my little Jesus teardrop.

I almost forgot, my famous
good-night back scratches.

- Oh, so relaxing, so relaxing.
- (SIGHING)

Good night, sweetie bear.

Hey, who wants twenty bucks?

- BOTH: I do! Me!
- Twenty dollars?

- What?
- Oh, yeah.

One for you, and one for you.

I don't know if that's appropriate.

Ah, don't worry about it.

BRAD: Okay. Good night.

So, uh, if you want to, why don't you
come by tomorrow after school?

Might be a good time to...

What about the cold one?

The cold one?

You promised me
a cold one and a handshake.

Cold one. One cold one, coming up.

Great. I'll grab my jacket,
we'll go outside.

Perfect. All right.

Hey! Psst...

What are you doing?
What are you guys buddies now?

No. I mean, I offered him a cold one.

I really should honor
the cold one promise.

(SIGHS) Fine. You give him a cold one,
and then you get rid of him, okay?

You put up your Loving Fence,

- remember?
- Mmm-hmm.

- Then you come to bed.
- Okay.

- Will do.
- Okay.

DUSTY: What you got going on over here?

Oh, uh, that's a treehouse. A little, uh,

bonding project for Dylan and I.

Yeah, we've been at it
for about two months.

DUSTY: It's looking good.

BRAD: Thank you.

So, Dusty, how long do you think
you're going to be in town for?

Well, Brad, the truth is,
I'm wheels-up a week from tomorrow.

Time to get out there and
kick some ass for America.

Oh, I see. So you're a soldier?

Nope.

Oh, so you're a, uh...

Yep.

Yep, what?

(CHUCKLES) You don't want to know
any more than that, Brad.

Okay.

Um, listen, Dusty, I think that we should
set up a visitation schedule.

Right? That way, you feel like
you have ample time with the children...

Why don't we cut the shit, Brad?

No, we don't have to cut the shit.

You want to know what I'm doing here,
why don't you quit looking at

whatever you wrote on your hand?

Be a man and ask me, Brad.

Okay. What are you doing here?

Now, we both know kids need
a single primary male role model.

Sara's made her choice.

I'm man enough to
let that role model be you.

I will vouch for you with my children.

I will give them my sacred
permission to trust you.

To love you and to

call you Dad.

You'd do that for me?

No.

But I will do it for them.

That is what you want, isn't it, Brad?

More than anything in the world.

He played you.
You just got so played out there.

I know it looks that way, 'cause
I promised I would ask him to leave,

and then I invited him to stay for a week,
but he didn't play me.

You know what he did? He cut the shit.

- Oh, he did?
- And I gotta say, it was refreshing.

I think more of us could stand
to just cut the shit, you know.

- Right.
- In one conversation,

he just blew by
eight chapters in my stepdad book.

I mean, this is gonna be so good
for me and the kids.

Oh, baby, you have no idea
who you're dancing with.

Dusty gets into your head,

- that's what he does.
- (WHIRRING)

(MUFFLED) He has a very impressive,
rugged bravado,

there's no question. But I gotta say,

I think in here, there's
a soft, soft creamy center.

You know? I think he feels a lot.

He just... He needs
someone with this, a big ear.

And I got them. Mmm.

Oh, good morning, Dusty.

- Hey.
- You're up and at 'em.

- (OVEN TIMER DINGS)
- Yeah, I got up early

- and did a quick 20.
- Really?

- Twenty minutes of what?
- Oh, twenty miles.

Did a little light sparring,
then I whipped up

a pan of piping-hot
cinnamon rolls for my family.

And I made one for you, too.

Wow. That's very impressive, thank you.

- DUSTY: Good morning, gang!
- Ooh, it smells yummy!

Our real dad's a super,
super-duper good cook!

- Mmm-hmm.
- Here you go, guys.

Yeah, it looks an awful lot like Cinnabon.

Well, thank you, Brad.
What a nice thing to say.

Mmm, it tastes exactly like Cinnabon!

In fact, same shape,
same swirl, same frosting.

Now you're starting to embarrass me,
but I do appreciate the compliment.

Good morning, Sar-bear!

- Morning.
- Hey, listen, guys,

Brad and I had a talk last night
about the importance of family.

And now that everyone's here,
I wanted to say a few words, okay?

I think that would be great.

Hey, kids, you know, families can be
ever-growing and changing things.

And sometimes someone new
knocks on the door of your heart

and you're not sure if you
have room in there for one more.

But there's someone here now
that I hope you guys can learn to love.

Okay?

(WHISTLING)

- Come here, boy!
- (GROWLING)

BOTH: A doggy! Yay!

You brought a dog home?

Yeah. Is that a problem?

I mean, you seemed
really into it while I was teeing it up.

No, I thought you were talking about me.

- Oh, but you're not a dog, Brad.
- No... (SCOFFS)

Look, last night, when we talked...

Oh, yeah. Well, listen,
that's got to happen organically.

Why can't it happen now?

It just can't.

You're dirty.

SARA: Dusty, how old is that thing?

I'd guess him to be around 15.

I mean, I found him this morning,
living in a storm drain.

I named him Tumor,
because of how much he grows on you.

BOTH: Mommy, can we keep Tumor, please?

Oh, I'm gonna leave this one up to Brad.

BOTH: Please, Brad! Please!

Why is he looking at me like that?

- (GROWLING)
- He's only looking at me.

Maybe we just get a puppy instead?

A puppy, Brad? What are they
going to learn from a puppy?

An old dog like Tumor here's
been out in the world, man. Living free.

Fighting for survival and seeing things
we can only dream of.

Just look at the wisdom
in those cloudy eyes.

Besides, you know what happens
to old dogs at shelters.

He's gonna have to walk the green mile
as soon as he gets there.

No, Brad, no! Don't kill our dog!

I hate you!

Okay. Okay. Fine.

He can live out his few
remaining weeks with us.

Yay! Thanks, Brad.

I don't hate you anymore.

He's going potty!

SARA: Oh, my God.

We'll clean it up. We don't mind.

Look at that.

The dog's already
teaching them responsibility.

Hey, guys, when you got to
pick up the potty, use gloves.

- He's definitely got worms in his poo.
- (BOTH GROANING IN DISGUST)

(SIGHS)

SARA: Dusty!
Can you please move this thing?

I can't get my car out of the garage.

Hey, Brad, do you mind?
I want to grab a quick shower.

Yeah, sure, no problem.

- Hey, honey.
- Hi, sweetie.

It's blocking everything.

No, I know. I know, don't worry.
We're on top of it.

What are you doing? Brad, I don't...

Hey! Stay away from that, please.

(GRUNTS)

Honey, what are you doing?

- (ENGINE REVVING)
- (LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)

I don't know if that's a good idea, Brad.

Dusty!

It's vibrating up into my shoulders.

Hey, it's okay, Brad.
Look, she's a lot of bike, man.

No, I'm good. Why don't you go
back in and take that shower,

so you can get a shirt on?

Oh, you got it.
Hey, you look good on that, man.

Remember, one down, four up.

Dusty, everyone knows it's one down...

- (SCREAMING)
- (TIRES SQUEALING)

Watch out! Watch out! Watch out!

(ALL SCREAMING)

(CRASHING)

Did Brad just die?

I think we all need to prepare ourselves
for that possibility, pumpkin. Okay?

Brad!

Brad!

- (BRAD GROANING)
- (GASPING)

Oh, my God.

- (COUGHING)
- Brad, are you all right?

No, I'm not all right.
I'm in the wall. I'm scared.

Oh, honey.

Jeez, Brad, I thought you said
you could ride.

I can ride, okay.
Would you get a shirt on?

I think if you could ride, you wouldn't
be stuck in a wall right now, Brad.

SARA:
Yeah. I'm sorry to say it, but he's right.

You almost killed the kids!

DUSTY: Let's not beat up
on Brad here. Okay?

He was showboating for the kids
a little bit, and things got out of hand.

Let's all just be grateful
nobody got hurt. Okay?

I got hurt!

Okay, kids, listen up.
This is a good lesson

on why you never wanna lie
about your ability to do things

you clearly can't do, okay, huh?

I think my arm is stuck in the wall.

DUSTY: Brad, just stay still.
I'll get you out.

No, no, no, no, no. No, don't do anything.

And would you please
just go and get a shirt on?

Just calm down, all right?

- (SARA SCREAMING)
- (GROANING)

Hey, I'm really sorry about
what happened to your car.

Yeah, and I'm sorry about
what happened to your bike.

Oh, no damage. Not a scratch.

- Oh, not even one scratch?
- Unbelievable.

(LAUGHS) That's so good.

(ROOF THUDS)

Let's keep it going! Inside the cones!

Just like ice cream!

Morning, Jerry.

Got to keep it inside the cones!

No, Daddy! You're supposed
to stay in the cones!

Whoa, whoa! Inside the cones!

- Inside. Bring her in. That's better.
- (SIGHS)

Let's keep those kids safe today, okay?
Thank you, Brad.

Sorry, Doris.

It's okay. This whole drop-off line thing

can be a bit overwhelming
if you're not used to it.

Yeah, well, I've landed a chopper
in the middle of a Cuban prison riot,

Brad, I think I'm good.

(BEEPING)

Bye, guys! I love you guys so much.
Have a great day, okay?

- Bye, Daddy!
- Make sure you do all your work.

Bye, guys. Have the best day.
I love you so...

BRAD: Here's the exciting thing.

We just opened up in our 68th market,
making The Panda America's

number three smooth jazz station.

Wow.

And here it is. My, uh... My little nook.

Wow. Oh, man, I gotta admit,
this is more than I expected.

Wow.

I kind of envy you, Brad.

Oh, stop it.

Ah, it's true. I mean, you're a nice guy,
making a comfortable living,

and the most fantastic woman
in the world loves you dearly.

Really? Thanks for saying that.

I mean it. And that sacrifice
she's making for you... That's true love.

Sacrifice?

Well, sure, Brad.

You know how bad
that girl wants another baby.

She wants another baby?

For her to let that slip away

and marry a man she knew to be barren,
that's true love.

How do you know that I can't...

- Bradley.
- Yes.

Caroline says we're gonna hear some
new voice talent this a.m.?

Yes, sir, in about 15 minutes.

Okay. How'd it go

- with the shitbag ex-husband?
- Uh-uh.

You whip his ass with
that Loving Fence of yours?

(LAUGHS)
Well, actually it's interesting, Mr. Holt,

because I want you to meet Dusty Mayron.

Jesus in the morning.
She was married to him first?

Okay. Let's establish some
ground rules, pretty boy.

- Airborne?
- Huh?

Well, your lapel pin.
101st, that's one hell of a division, sir.

Oh, well, thank you, Dusty.

Are you Airborne?

Oh, no, sir, I'm afraid
I don't share that honor,

but I'm humbled to be in the
presence of anyone who does.

Airborne Division? Those guys love to fly.

Very nice to meet you, sir.

Thank you, thank you.
It's good to meet you.

My pleasure. It's an honor.

Fast friends over there. (CHUCKLES)

That's wonderful.

Come on! No way!

The whole time you're running guns
for the freedom fighters

right under the cartel's noses,
and they never suspected it was you once?

Well, I'm sure they started to suspect
once they were in a ball of fire

the size of four city blocks.

(LAUGHING)

That's great. I love that!

Holy buckets, Brad!

If this guy was my wife's ex,
I'd put a bullet in my skull.

(BOTH LAUGH)

DUSTY: Come on, Leo, cut it out.

Oh, uh... Sir, I think Barry's ready.

You're really going to like this guy.

Okay. Ready to listen.

(BEEPING)

(SINGING) One-oh-three-point-six

The Panda!

All right. Mmm-hmm.

- You like him, Brad?
- I do.

I do. I mean, I think his voice
has a warm dependability

that all Panda listeners could trust.

What do you think, Duster?

(BRAD LAUGHS)

Does Dusty now work for The Panda?

Yeah, Brad's right.

I'm not really into smooth jazz.
I shouldn't comment.

(SCOFFS) Nobody's into smooth jazz.

I'm into smooth jazz.

Of course you are, Brad.

So what do you think, Dusty?

I mean, it just seems a little flaccid.

I think you need a voice with some
virility and hope, that tells listeners,

"Hey! Maybe the next song
won't suck as bad as the last one."

Also, I think a strong ability
to be something like...

(SINGING) One-oh-three-point-six

The Panda!

What...

What just happened?

He sang the tagline.

- Good boy, Tumor!
- (CAR HONKING)

BOTH: Daddy!

DUSTY: Hey!

Oh, perfect timing. Listen to this.

DUSTY ON RADIO: One-oh-three-point-six

The Panda!

- Is that you?
- Yeah!

SARA: That's you?

Why is that him?

I took him to work, and 15 minutes later
he's the new voice of The Panda.

Hey, you believe that? I record
one take at 9:30 this morning,

it's already run 11 times.

Do I really get 182 bucks
every time they play that?

Yes. Every time, yes.

Ooh! Money.

You see why I love America
even more than most people do?

Hey. What's this?

Just the handyman
I hired off Angie's List.

He's upstairs fixing the damage.

Your wife had to hire a man? For what?

Some framing, a little sheetrock repair,
some masonry and basic window glazing?

Come on, Brad.
We can bang that out tonight.

Yeah.

It's just basic sheetrock glazing

and, you know, little whatamajigs.

Get up there and

get in there and crank it out.

Dusty is pretty good with his hands.

Pretty good with my hands,
Brad, she knows.

Okay. Yeah, I'll just go
up there and I'll...

- Want me to do it? I'll tell him to screw.
- No, no, no, no.

No, no, no. That's okay.

I'll tell him,

- "Guess what, bub?"
- Tell him the men are here.

I'll say that.
I'll say, "The men are here."

- Let's do it.
- I don't want to imply to him

that he's not a man. But I'll just say,

"Hey, the boys are back in town." Right?

(HAMMERING)

Oh, hi.

I'm Brad. Uh... My wife hired you.

Nice to meet you, Brad.

I just came up here to say that you...

That, um, you should have good luck.

Thank you for your wishes of luck.

I'll be downstairs.

Well? What happened?

Oh, you know, I think it's...

He already started,
and I just think it feels wrong.

Why? Because he's black?

No. No, no.

Megan! Dylan!

- What are you doing? Huh?
- Teaching moment.

Guys, what would we call Brad
if he treated someone differently

just because of the color of their skin?

- (BOTH GASP)
- Brad's being racism?

Racist, honey. Brad is a racist.

- Honey.
- No, I mean... But not on purpose.

Is Brad a Klan person?

No. (LAUGHS)

So I'm a racist if I don't fire someone?

Well, yeah, you are.

Yeah, you are.

Sir, you're taking this all wrong.

Right. So you get one look
at the color of my skin,

and all of a sudden you're
Mr. Do It Yourself, huh?

No, not at all. Please, allow me
to pay you for your time and travel.

Don't do me any favors, Paula Deen.

(SIGHS)

I'm not a woman.

You did the right thing.

Boy, it doesn't feel that way.

Let's get cracking.
Where do you keep your tools?

I know where Brad keeps his tools.
In the credenza.

- Yeah.
- You keep your tools

- in the credenza, Brad?
- In the credenza. Mmm-hmm.

Just easier to get to.

- It's convenient.
- Yeah.

(CLATTERING)

This is a tackle box, Brad.
Are we going fishing?

No. Unless you want to go fishing.

What have you got in here?

A hammer, masking tape,
three C batteries and a tampon.

Yeah, well, a tampon's handy for...

Yeah, I know what they're handy for.

So are we not going to fix it?

Well, what do you want from me, Brad?

To buy all the gear we need
would cost more

than just hiring someone
off of Angie's List.

- (GROWLING)
- (GASPS)

And the King, he thought the Step King
seemed okay at first, a little soft, maybe,

but, heck, the Queen needed a meal ticket.

But the more the King learned about him,

the more he doubted the
Step King's ability to lead.

So the King decided
there was only one way to...

Psst... Hey. Good story?

Yeah. The King finally
came back to his castle.

But the evil Step King
wouldn't give him his crown back.

Oh, okay, yeah.
I think I've heard this story before.

Ah, it's a story as old as time, Brad.

Well, you know what? It turns out
the Step King wasn't evil at all.

He was a really good guy.

Fun at parties, great conversationalist,
affable. And he saw

that the beautiful Queen
and perfect Prince and Princess

were all alone, and he came
valiantly to their rescue.

Yeah, but wasn't the Queen sad because

the Step King couldn't give
her an heir to the throne?

Okay, you know what?
Now this is getting personal.

Hey, Brad, come on.
We're just doing fairy tales here.

All right. Well, the Queen wasn't sad,
just for the record. (STUTTERING)

The Step King was pretty sure
she was totally cool with it.

Yeah, Brad's right.
I'm sure the Queen was thrilled. Right?

Right?

Yeah.

Honey,

what's the matter?

Are you still sad about
Dusty finding your tampon?

No. No, I mean,

this is a little embarrassing,
but it's just, I was...

Is there any chance
you still want another baby?

Oh, my God. What, did Dusty say something?

He's just trying to get in your head.

So it's not true then?

Okay. Maybe I did want another baby.

But it's not possible,
given what happened to your...

And I'm not blaming them. I love them.

They are my fuzzy little pals.

You don't have to say that.

They are.

I am 100% happy
with the family that I have.

The only reason I'm putting up with him is
because my kids are so happy to see him.

And I want them to have
a relationship with their father.

You know what?

I can't wait to see his face

when he figures out
how much you really do for his kids.

Yeah. I mean, I'm

involved. I'm emotionally available.

Yeah, you are.

You are darn right.

It's high time Dusty sees
how a real dad does it.

I am fired up!

(SIGHS)

Let's get some shut-eye.

(FUNK MUSIC PLAYING)

(CHILDREN CHEERING)

(ALL CHEERING)

Hallelujah!

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Hey, dudes! Hey, T.J.!

Brad! Look what Dad did!

He finished the treehouse for you!

Hey, hey! B-man!

No, watch out, B!

(BRAD GROANING)

Hey, Brad. Sorry about that.

- You all right?
- (CONTINUES GROANING)

Brad, what do you think, man?

Wow. Pretty cool zipline.

You like that, huh? It's military grade.

You built all this today? With my tools?

Oh, no, you can't build a treehouse
with a tampon, Brad.

No, I had a little bit of help.

Yo, Dylan, PS4 is all hooked up.

- Thanks, Uncle Griff.
- No problem, buddy.

Uncle Griff?

Dude, I went out for a beer last night,
and who's tending bar but our man Griffy?

We get to talking and we just click.
You know what I mean?

He's a great dude, man. He really is.

I know how you feel about him,
but just give him a chance.

All right? He's having
a tough time at home,

and your firing him sure didn't help.

Well, I fired him because you made me!

- I made you?
- Yeah.

Am I in charge around here now?
Is my name on the mortgage?

Last time I checked,
you were the man of the house,

and me and Griffy were just staying here.

- He's not staying here.
- Because he's black?

No, not because of that.

Look, Griffy helped me
knock this out, all right?

So despite any prejudices
that you may or may not have...

I don't have any prejudices.

I said "may or may not."

- Well, it's may not.
- Well, that's good.

Because that's one of the ones I said.

Hey, kids, come on.
Helmets on the half-pipe.

We got to be safe around here.

Wait, half-pipe?

Look, I know it's taking up
a lot of the yard, but it's gonna make

your house the coolest place
in the neighborhood.

I got a sound system, we got

a couple Go-Pros. That's Corey
from Red Bull over there.

Hey, Corey!

You got a sponsor for my backyard?

Hey, Mr. Mayron! You want next?

Nicholas, please, it's Dusty!

And, yes, I do. Brad, watch this run.

I'm gonna dedicate this run
to my future X-Games champs,

Dylan and Megan. This is for you!

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(BLOWS)

Looks like you picked
the wrong leisure activity, buddy.

(ALL CHEERING)

Thank you.

- Oh, hey, Sara.
- Hi.

Okay. Who's got next?

BRAD: I do!

Look!

(ALL GASPING)

Some cute little tricks there, Dusty.

(LAUGHS)

Really adorable.

Brad?

Hey, who'd like to see
how we used to do it

back in the empty pools of Encino,

Castaic, Irvine, Long Beach?

Santa Clarita?

Santa Cruz?

Fremont?

Honey, no, please come down.

Oh, I intend to, sister.

Come on, Brad, it hasn't been that long.

Godspeed.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

- (GRUNTS)
- ALL: Whoa!

- (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
- (SCREAMING)

Oh, my God! Brad!

Oh, no, it's best not to touch him.
Wait a second.

What do you mean, don't touch him?
He's in trouble.

Look, I know he's in trouble, okay?

But if there's a problem, who
do you want to be in charge?

You?

Okay. All right, guys,
we have an emergency situation.

And what's the first thing we do? Anybody?

- You! Redhead.
- Call 911.

Close. But wrong.
First thing we do is remain calm.

Yeah, that's good advice.

The 911 operator can't understand you
if you're hysterical, okay?

So let's all take a deep breath.
In for ten...

Are you kidding me right now? Help him!

Hey, that doesn't sound calm, Sara.

Now, please, call 911
and relate to the dispatcher

- what happened calmly, okay?
- Okay, yes.

Anybody know what we do next?

Check for pulse!

Nice! My star pupil! Come on up here.

All right! Okay, two fingers on the neck,
right below the ear.

- Good. You feel a heartbeat?
- Uh-uh.

Okay, now that means that
Brad here is now clinically... Anybody?

- You, Jean Jacket!
- Dead?

Attaboy, Jean Jacket. You're a smart kid.

He is dead.

All right, so what do we do?
Come on, we're losing him here.

Give him C.P.R.?

Yes! That's my girl.
Come on up here, sweetie.

All right! All right, lock your fingers like
this and press down hard right here.

- (GRUNTING)
- Oh, great job, sweetheart.

Dusty, hurry!

Okay, I'm going to go ahead
and take this one.

Okay? Watch closely now.

If you do your
chest compressions properly,

it shouldn't take long. Clear out, guys.

(WHIRRING)

(GASPING)

- I got him! I got him!
- (COUGHING)

(ALL CHEERING)

My dad can bring people
back from the dead!

(GROANING)

Mr. Whitaker's a zombie!

(MUTTERING)

Look, I'm okay, really.
I just got a little jolt.

You got a little killed
is what you got, Brad.

We thought we lost you.

Okay, I'm sorry.

I just got tired of being
the lame stepdad.

All the kids think he's Superman.

Well, now you know how I felt.

I always had to be the bad guy mom,

giving out the carrots
and the punishments,

and he would breeze in
from God only knows where

and get to be the cool, fun dad.

Honey. Look. (SIGHS)

I'll talk to him, okay?

I'll tell him to get his stuff
and get over to the Red Roof Inn. Pronto.

Great.

(TV PLAYING)

Wait. Prince Hans is actually the bad guy?

Man, I didn't see that coming at all.

He seemed like he really loved Anna.

MEGAN: I hate Prince Hans.

Dusty.

- Hey, how you feeling, Sparky?
- (CHUCKLES)

Sparky. That's hilarious.

DUSTY: Brad, have you seen this movie?

It's unbelievable, man.

There's these two sisters,
one of them has ice powers.

Yeah, I'm familiar with Frozen.

Listen, Dusty, I need to talk to you now.

I can't talk now, Brad.

Just pause the movie!

Can you guys talk out there, please?

Griff, man. You gotta pause it, man.

No! I don't want to ruin the momentum.

He won't... Dude, if another song
comes on, you got to pause it. Okay?

Am I supposed to pause my emotions?

Just pause the song, man.

What's up? What's up?
What's going on, Brad?

- This shouldn't take long.
- Okay, good.

Listen, um, I just think
that you're being here...

Yeah. No problem.

...and now there's Griff here,
it's presenting some obstacles...

(SOBBING)

Stupid helmet!

Honey, what happened?

They pushed me off my bike again!

- I'm so sick of it!
- (CLATTERING)

I want them dead, Brad. All right?
I want their parents dead.

And if they don't have parents, I want

their primary caregivers dead.
Do you understand me?

- Okay, okay.
- He's okay.

Megan's upstairs playing with him.
I am so pissed about this.

Was it the fourth graders again?

Fourth graders?
What, you knew about this, Brad?

Yeah. Dylan asked to speak
specifically to me about it.

- Really?
- So, we role-played

some conflict resolution dialogue.

Are you being serious right now, Brad?

What you need to be teaching him
is some ass-beating resolution.

Damn straight. You got to
make a statement. Set a tone.

It's kind of a family matter over here.

No, Dusty and Griff are right.

Those little punks need
their butts whooped.

Hey, you got any Miracle Whip?

Yeah, it's behind the... (SIGHS)

Here. Hold on. Let me just get it for you.

Guys, I know we're upset right now,

but here's the thing.

Violence never solved anything.

Hey, check your history books, buddy.

Almost everything is solved by violence.

There are better ways.

Okay. Name one. Besides dialoguing.

- Name one?
- Name one!

- What do you mean, name one?
- You said you could

solve problems with
things other than fighting.

- What are you gonna do?
- I don't know.

Well, you said you knew!
You act like you knew!

- Fine, yes!
- What?

Dancing! Dancing.

Did you... Did you just say dancing, Brad?

It's very popular in youth culture
to resolve conflict through dancing.

They step up to each other and get served

by crunking, or popping and locking.

They call each other out, they take turns,

and it is no less intense
than a classic street brawl.

But, at the end of the day, no one's hurt.

And it's a great aerobic workout.

He's flailing a bit,
but he has a good point.

There's a rich history
of dance battles in film.

- You got Breakin' 1...
- I didn't even think of this.

...Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo.

One of the rare cases
where the sequel was better

- than the original.
- Much better.

You got Step Up, Stomp the Yard.

He makes a solid point.

Honey, are you telling us that we
should teach Dylan to dance?

(SIGHS) No, I'm just saying that
teaching him to fight isn't the answer.

Okay, but maybe teaching him
to fight back isn't so bad?

BRAD: Okay.

There we go. Perfect.
That's good, right there.

Yeah. A lot of protection.

All right, Dylan. You ready, buddy?

- I guess.
- Oh, you're ready.

Brad, Griff. You guys be
the fourth graders.

- I'll be Dylan.
- Okay.

All right. Hey, buddy, the first thing you
want to do is call out the biggest one.

Hey! What's the matter?

You too much of a pussy to take me on
without your little bitches to back you up?

Wow. Okay, yes.
That cut right through me, there.

I'm filled with inner shame right now.

Saying to myself,
"Gosh, maybe I'm not behaving

"100% the way I want to."
Right? Is that same page?

No. What the kid's gonna think
is, "Now I can beat your ass

"all on my own." But now
you only got one bully to contend with.

Now bullies always open up
with some shoving first.

- Watch. Brad, give me a little shove.
- All right.

(YELPS)

Whoa, I didn't connect there, did I?

No. It was really close, though.

See what I did, buddy?
I turned my body just enough

to let his weight bring him in,
then I came right down Broadway.

- I'm not gonna hit you.
- Oh.

- Okay, relax. Okay?
- Mmm-hmm.

- Bam!
- (ALL GASP)

It's called the element of surprise.

Then you start punking his ass!

You want some more of that, bitch, huh?
You like that, bitch?

All right. Do we really
need to use that word?

- No.
- Honey, yes.

Unfortunately, we do. I'm sorry.

You have to make him a bitch.

It's a fundamental step in
destroying a bully's psyche.

Now stay down, bitch!

Then you kick that kid right in the nuts!

Kick him in the nuts, Dylan!

Wait! I thought you were in my gang.

Yeah, but once Dylan tuned you up,
I switched sides.

What do you think happens
out there on the playground, Brad?

All right, now come on, buddy.
It's your turn. All right?

I'll be the fourth grader.

Can I just go inside already, please?

Hey, buddy come on, this is easy.
You can do this.

I said, no! I don't like this stuff.

I'll just stay away from them
from now on. Mom?

Okay, come here, buddy.

- Come on. It's all right.
- Brad.

Help me out here. Come on.

Hey, wait.

Pal, listen...

I know what it's like
to be afraid to go to school.

Okay? When I was your age,

this group of older kids
started picking on me.

I ran and I cried
underneath the bleachers.

They bothered me every day,
because they knew

I was too afraid to face them.

Until one day, I'd had enough.

And I socked Jesse Hubbard
right in the nose.

Really? And they left you alone?

Damn right they did.

Brad. (SOFTLY) That was good.

Come here, buddy.
Hey, I'm proud of you. All right?

Now, look at me. I want you to punch them
right in the Adam's apple. Okay?

I want you to shatter their throat.

Hold on, hold on.

I'm sorry. Look, I'm having
a pang of guilt right now.

Full disclosure. Some of the elements
of my story weren't exactly true.

Um, the incessant crying, 100% true.

The constant bullying, absolutely,
it all happened, but I, uh...

I've never punched anyone in my life.

I could have told you that.

- Then what did you do?
- Yeah, what did you do?

Well, nothing at all.
In fact, sixth grade was so rough,

I changed my name to Devin Lacecock.

Why the hell would you tell him that?

I pretended to be blind for an entire
school year, just to elicit empathy.

Which was great until

they found me intently watching
an episode of M*A*S*H.

In fact, it got so bad,
my parents had to refinance

our house to put me in private school.

Let's just do that.
Can I go to private school, please?

No, Dylan, we can't do that.
Want to know why?

Because ever since that day,
I've always run away from conflict.

In fact, if I had a dad like Dusty
when I was your age, maybe

he could have taught me
how to stand up for myself.

So, wait. You're saying,

if I don't stick up for myself now,

I'll grow up to be a huge wussy like you?

Um, yes. That is the basic
gist of what I'm saying. Yes.

Okay. Then let's do this.

DUSTY: Come on, buddy, you got this.

Give me something. Come on.

Faster, harder, meaner, stronger.

You're fast, you're good.

You're a winner. You're a champion.

They got to let you off the leash, baby.
We got a little pit bull here.

That was really nice, you guys. Good job.

It was really fun to watch
the two of you working together

like a couple of great co-dads.

Yeah.

Co-dads. That's...

That's good stuff.

You know what?
In that same spirit of unity,

I want to show my gratitude
for your inviting me

to stay here and share moments like these.

Oh, about that, Dusty.
When I pulled you over there, actually...

No, what you've done here
does not go unnoticed.

And I repay my debts.

Look, Sara, I know how much
you want another child.

I think I can help
put a baby in there for you.

- Oh, my God!
- What are you saying?

- I mean I got a guy.
- Dusty, please! You got a guy?

Yes, I got a guy. A fertility doctor.

He's a buddy of mine.
I trained him for his first Ironman.

All right? Dr. Francisco is the real deal.

- Dr. Emilio Francisco?
- You've heard of him?

Oh, my God, yeah.

He's been on Dr. Oz like 10 times.

Yeah, he's one of the top five reproductive
endocrinologists in the country.

See? People wait years
to get an appointment with this guy.

Do you really think he would see us?

- Whoa, whoa, hold on.
- I know he would.

If anybody can help you
have a baby, he can.

Mommy's going to have a baby?

Cool! Can we name it Griff?

Oh, thanks, D-man.

Look, you guys,
I don't know if this is a good idea.

What, you don't wanna name your baby
after a black person?

- Is that it?
- No!

You probably want to name it something
really white, like Connor or Gordon.

Harland, or Scot with one T. Or Brad.

No, no, Griff is a lovely name.
I'm just saying,

I don't think it's a good
idea to get our hopes up,

because, in the end,

odds are, I'm going to let you down.

Okay, honey, but what if I promise,
promise, promise not to get my hopes up?

We could just try, right? It can't hurt.

Okay, sure.
But you can't get your hopes up.

No. I won't, I won't! Thank you!

I feel like you've already
gotten your hopes up.

- Where are you going?
- Nowhere!

- You calling your mother?
- No!

Okay, yes, but it's about something else.

It's not about something else.

Damn it, Brad, he set you up.

He used this fancy doctor
to get your wife back on the baby train.

When those test results come back
and prove that you can't give her a baby,

guess who's gonna be waiting
there cocked and loaded?

Well, I trust my wife, so we really don't
need to keep talking about it, okay?

Let me tell you a little story, Brad.

When Jeneane, my fourth, and I
were returning from our honeymoon,

she told me that
she had a 23-year-old kid.

Brazilian boy.
Said she had him real young.

So he moves in with us.

Doesn't speak a lick of English.

There are the usual tensions.
I try to assert my authority.

"Andreas, get your feet
off the furniture."

"Andreas, you're too old
to sleep in bed with Mommy."

"Andreas, you got to stay off the 'roids."

And he'd get mad,
and hit me with a car antenna.

Eh... Maybe that's the way kids are.

No. Not really.

So I adopt him,
help him get his citizenship.

The second the papers come through,
guess what happens?

I already know.

Bam! They shack up together in Barstow.

It turns out Andreas

- is her boyfriend, Brad.
- Mmm-hmm.

I did not see it coming.

I actually did, about one,
two words into your story.

The moral of this fable is,
it's good to know when you're beaten.

- You know I think the world of you, Brad.
- Thank you.

But if I'm being completely honest,
even I'm rooting for Dusty.

He's just so damn likeable.

You know, it's getting kind of late.
Shouldn't we just get back to work?

Okay, you win.

So where are we on The Panda Jam
numbers for next summer?

London, you still on the conference call?

Dusty Mayron, you crazy hijo de puta!

- (LAUGHS) Hey, what's up, Doc?
- (EXCLAIMING)

You look great, man. You still
rocking those Ironmans, huh?

Yeah, bro.
I just finished Brazil in 11:40.

- That's unbelievable.
- Yeah. Well, come on.

Ain't nothing on you, man.

Hey, my first race,
I'm limping across the finish line

when this bastard laps me.

I mean, come on, who wins an Ironman,

then decides to go around again?
Who does that?

It sounds exhausting.

Hey, I'm Dr. Francisco. You must be Sara.

Hi. (LAUGHS)

Dusty, you were not lying
about this one. Very nice.

And you weren't lying
about this one either.

You must be Chief Glowing Sack.

What? (LAUGHS)

Hey, come on,
I'm just lighting you up, man.

Come on, little hug.

Okay, come on back, y'all.
Let's take a look.

All right. So let's run it down.

I think we can safely say that your issue
has nothing to do with X-rays.

You know what, sweetheart, come here.
Let's see that pretty little hand.

Okay. Now put it right in here.

- Oh!
- Okay, you feel that?

- Yeah.
- Okay, that is not how you want

testicles to be shaped.

Really? It feels like all the other...

Hi.

Well, it cuts off blood flow, okay?
Limits potency.

You want them to...
You know what? Actually...

- Hey, Dusty!
- Hey.

- Why is he coming in here?
- Little help in here, please.

Oh, come on. You gotta put me
through this every time?

- Come on. Be a sport.
- All right.

Oh, my God! What are you doing?

Is this even ethical?

(GASPS) James and the Giant Peach.

(GULPS)

- Did you just gulp?
- No.

It's okay, I gulp every time.

You see, this... This is what you want.

Plump and bulbous.

Glassy smooth, like

two Patrick Stewarts,
you know what I mean?

Don't embarrass me in front
of Sara like this anymore, okay?

DR. FRANCISCO: Hey, sorry, bro.

So, ready to milk the cow,
see if we even got a sliver of hope here?

Hey, Dusty, come on, buddy. Want to
try to break your own record?

Oh, no, I'm good.

DR. FRANCISCO: Hey, come on, man.
I'm doing you a favor here.

Give me something to brag
about at the next symposium.

All right, fine. You want to break
the record, I gotta break the record.

(LAUGHS) Yeah. Kid came to play.

Should I grab a big cup, too?

What? Stop screwing around.

Come on. We're burning daylight here.

(DOOR OPENS)

(WOMEN TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

(SIGHS)

(ALL GASPING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

Hello. Quick question.
How difficult would it be

for someone to whip up
a batch of your Cinnabons?

Would you need restaurant-grade ovens?

Bradsky. Could you
pass this along to Dusty?

It's his first resids check.

Disclaimer. It's more than you make.

- Don't get worried about it.
- How much more than...

Oh, and tell him, 8:30 sharp at my house.

He doesn't need to bring anything.
All right, buddy?

I've never been to your house.

No, you haven't.

SARA: Oh, my God, my hair, it looks awful.

Doesn't Mommy's hair look pretty?

- No. Next slide, please.
- DUSTY: Oh, okay.

- Slides. Fun.
- DUSTY: Aw...

Cool. You guys climbed that?

Yuck. Why are you guys kissing
in every single picture?

Oh, Mommy used to kiss Daddy a lot.

SARA: Married people kiss a lot.

DUSTY: Ready?

Wow, China.

I loved it there.

Dylan, you were created right
there on that wall, buddy.

- Really?
- Dusty, that's enough.

- DUSTY: Okay, next slide.
- (SARA LAUGHS)

That's where your mom and I met,
doing The King and I in summer stock.

SARA: God, that costume was so tight.
(LAUGHS)

Next slide, please.

Oh, my God.

- MEGAN: Is that baby me?
- SARA: Mmm-hmm.

All right, you guys, let's,
um, get ready for bed.

- Okay?
- DUSTY: It's story time, Mayron family!

(CHILDREN CHEERING)

MEGAN: We don't have to wait
for Mr. Whitaker, do we?

I really don't like you,
but that shit is heartbreaking.

(DOOR CLOSING)

MEGAN: Yay! Griff's home!

So the King raised his mighty sword
and rained steel down upon the Step King.

But the Step King
blocked it with his shield.

And swung his cat o'nine tails
into the King's smug face.

Which the King easily brushed aside
like the feather of a gull.

And then the King did counter
with a barrage of slashes

and thrusts so fast and precise
that the Step King had no way to parry.

BOTH: Yay!

But he did. He did.
He parried all of them.

- Easily. It was no big deal.
- BOTH: Aw.

Then he grabbed the King's
sword right out of his hand

and smashed it over his knee.

BOTH: Boo!

That's when the King pulled out
a pump-action Mossberg shotgun!

Which is completely anachronistic.

So if we're doing any time period,
then the Step King just happened to be

wearing Kevlar body armor.

- Concussion grenade!
- Hand grenade.

- Rocket launcher.
- Missile launcher.

- Air strike.
- Nuclear strike.

- Black hole.
- God.

We know what this comes down to.

The Step King was very upset

because when the real King
pulled out his sword,

it was long and shiny,

and the Step King
did shudder at the size of it.

And while the Step King acknowledged
that the King carried a mighty,

beautifully engraved broadsword,
all the maidens in the land

preferred the more average-sized

Step King's sword because
it knew how to listen.

- (SCOFFS)
- And the King needs to realize

he's a guest in his castle
and he better mind his P's and Q's

because the Step King
has had it up to here

with the King's bullshit!

Brad said a naughty word.

Kids, I'm so sorry you had to hear
that inappropriate language.

Make sure you tell your mother.

Brad, can I talk to you
in the hall, please?

(SIGHS)

Brad, what just happened in there, man?

(WHISPERING) Look, the Step King
should not have

used inappropriate language in front of
the Prince and Princess, he admits that.

Why are you still saying it
like that, Brad?

We're out in the hall.

I don't know. I'm upset.

- (CELL PHONE VIBRATING)
- Hold on.

Oh-ho-ho! Hello?

Yeah, Brad's here, he's doing good.

Hey, it's Dr. Francisco.

He wants us all to come in tomorrow.
9:30 work for you?

- Yeah, I guess so.
- Yeah,

we'll see you then.
All right, bud. Come on, man.

The doctor will be with you in a moment.

ALL: Thank you.

(SARA GRUNTING)

Hey, Brad, whatever happens
here, I just want you to know

that I'm proud of you for doing your best.

- Okay?
- Thank you.

Hello, hello. Okay.
I'm going to cut right to the chase.

Sara, I'm afraid I've got some bad news.

Oh, God. That is a tough break. I'm sorry.

Damn, that is a real shame.
My heart is melting.

Yeah, it's a real shame, Sara.

A real shame that
you're gonna have to put up

with Brad here pounding away on you

over and over,
now that he's got a fighting chance

of getting you pregnant.

- (GASPING)
- What? Oh, my God!

- Holy moly!
- Oh, my God.

Hey, Doc, Doc, don't give them
a false sense of hope.

Remember what you said about
the blood flow and the screwy 'nads?

Yeah, well, Brad has you
to thank for that, Dusty.

Okay, in lab rats,
whenever another alpha male

comes around, it can spike testosterone,
driving up sperm counts.

Now, no guarantees, okay?
But with my help, Brad,

I think you got enough left in the tank
to make it all the way to baby town.

That's so wonderful. Thank you.

- BOTH: Thank you so much.
- Of course.

- Can we give you a hug?
- Oh, yeah. Come on in.

BRAD: Oh, my gosh.

- Did not expect this.
- Mmm...

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

You virile sea snake, you.

- I underestimated you, Brad.
- Yes, you did.

I can finally give Sara everything,
and it feels good.

Now, listen, this is what you need to do.

You need to go and pee outside
the room that Dusty sleeps in.

He's gonna smell your urine and know that

your virility is not to be taken lightly.

It's good advice.
I did it last year in the lobby.

Oh, I remember. It was a health hazard.

It scared the FedEx guy.

No, I'm going to take
the high road on this one.

Okay, fine, take the high road.

But jam a baby up in there
as quickly as you can, Brad.

Because, in the end, if Sara
does choose Dusty over you,

he has to be stepdad to your baby.

- How beautiful is that?
- (LAUGHS)

Come on, five it.

No. You know, it feels strange

to high-five over the custody
of my unborn child.

I've been on Dusty's team.

I'm trying to jump over
to the winning team Brad.

- Get on this.
- I'd really rather not.

I'm trying to share a moment
with you here. Please five me.

It feels... No, thanks.

- Got it!
- Wait. No.

- Sweet.
- It didn't count.

I love you, Brad.

It's not a binding high-five.

Fat beans in there.

- Dusty?
- Brad.

What can I do for you?

Oh, wow, that's some impressive up-downs.

Look, uh,

what you did for Sara and me,

that's a life-changer, and

I just wanted to say thank you.

And I'm sorry.

Sorry for what?

Well, here's the thing.

I mean, you show up,

here's this guy who's cool and exciting.

I guess I felt a little competitive, and
slightly insecure, and I start thinking,

well, maybe you want to challenge me.

But today you proved that
all you really care about

is our family's happiness.

Oh, man.

I'm humbled.

I mean it. And you know what?

You're right. I was challenging you, Brad.

- Yeah?
- The truth?

I see this new man in my kids' life.

He's kind and caring and successful,
and I don't even want to like you.

But I can't help it. I like you, Brad.

Really?

I was determined to push you out
and get my family back.

I was underhanded
and disingenuous about it.

I feel like a monster.

No. No, no, no.

(SIGHS)

At the risk of being disrespectful,
I want you to shut your mouth.

You are allowed
to have those feelings. Okay?

Heck, we're talking about
your own children here, for cripes' sake.

Clean slate?

Absolutely.

Come here.

(SIGHS)

You know what's funny?
You're not even sweating,

after doing all those push-ups.

That's exemplary.

(SIGHS)

Thank you, Dusty.

Thank you, Brad.

Oh, uh...

You know, all that stuff about pushing
me out and taking over my family,

I mean, we're through all that, right?

Oh, no, no, no. I'm here to defeat you

and take back my family.
That can't change.

But now I'll follow your noble example
and do it above board.

Honestly. Like a man. Like you.

But we just hugged. You said you like me.

Oh, I do like you, Brad, very much.

It doesn't make this any easier.

You know I'm gonna have to tell Sara
what you said in here today.

Of course.
It would be irresponsible not to.

She's not gonna like it.
She's gonna want you out.

You're right about that, Brad.

What the hell are you up to?

I just told you what I'm up to.

My head is spinning right now.

Hey, you got any sweet potatoes? Or yams?

Sweet potatoes or yams?

Griff, you know we have yams, all right?

You made me buy them for you.

I wanted to respect
your house by asking you

before I got them.
I didn't want to just go grab yams.

Okay, I appreciate that.
I'm dealing with something.

- Just go get the yams.
- All right.

Here's the thing. You're right, Dusty.

Yeah. I'm not going to tell Sara.

But I'm gonna prove to you
that I'm the best.

You can eat my dust, Dusty.

Christmas already?
Why didn't anybody tell me?

It's not. It's the middle of April.

- Daddy must have done this!
- BRAD: Ho, ho, ho, ho!

No, he didn't. (LAUGHS)

- Brad.
- Ho, ho!

Claus is the name.
Santa Claus, if you please.

But this Brad you speak of called me
all the way up at the North Pole.

He said his children were so sad because

their biological father had missed so many

Christmases and birthdays

and special family holidays,
so he asked me

to come here today so that Dusty

could experience one Christmas
with his kids before he leaves again.

Probably for a long, long time.

Ho, ho, ho!

Can we open presents?

You sure can, little girl.

I think they're from Brad.

In fact, all the presents are from Brad.

Let's see if any of the
presents are from Dusty.

Nope. Not one present from Dusty.
All from Brad.

Hey, kids, let's not forget
who got you a dog. Remember?

Hey, Tumor, quit humping Mrs. Claus!

(GROWLING)

Okay, I am officially worried about you.

Don't worry, Claus hasn't forgotten you.

Huh?

- For me?
- Yeah.

(GASPS)

Oh, my God, honey, it's beautiful.
I love it.

Wait, no! No! No, no. It's too much.

(TUMOR BARKS)

Oh, no, it looks like Tumor's
given away Megan's big gift.

(SCREAMING JOYFULLY)

A pony! A pony! A pony!

I know, it's a pony!

- Ho, ho, ho!
- (CONTINUES SCREAMING)

It's a pony, Dusty! A pony!

Can we name her Princess Elsa?

You can name him whatever you want,
because it's yours!

Brad, how can we afford a pony?

Where are we even going to put that thing?

I can clear out some stable
space in the garage.

Look, it's only half a horse.

Okay? Think of it like
a big dog, only a lot better.

Oh, what's this? What the heck?

It's tickets to tonight's
NBA playoff game...

- What?
- ...against Dylan's favorite team,

the Los Angeles Lakers?

Oh, thanks, Brad! You're the coolest!

I love you, Brad!

Not bad.

Not bad at all.

Merry Christmas, Whitaker family!

GRIFF: Christmas?

How long was I asleep for?

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

- You guys got enough candy?
- Yeah!

Remember, you can have anything
you want, 'cause it's Christmas!

No, it isn't. It's not Christmas, kids.

- BRAD: All right. Here we are.
- Oh, sick! We're this close?

Yeah. Pretty good, right?
Megan, you sit down right there.

Perfect. Dylan, you sit next to me.

And, Dusty, I'm so sorry. Yeah.

I could only get four in a row.
I couldn't get five.

So you're across the aisle,
next to that gentleman.

All right, guys, I'll be right here.

- We can still chat.
- Bye, Daddy.

Look, there's Kobe! It's him!
He's right there.

Thank you, Brad, this is the best present
I've ever gotten.

- You are so welcome.
- In my whole life.

I'm glad to hear it's the
best present you've ever got!

How much did these seats cost?

Not too much.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
let's give a big welcome

to all the kids from Hearts of Courage.

Whoo! Hearts of Courage kids!

Proud of you, you're all miracles!

Whoo! I love kids!

All right, honey. That's plenty.

I just get excited
when I'm with my family!

Dusty! Dusty Mayron!

- Marco? Hey!
- (MARCO LAUGHS)

What's up, man? Are you coaching now?

Yeah, I'm the new strength
and conditioning coach.

- Oh, man.
- Check you out.

Hey, I played ball with him in Italy.

This is my family. My little guy, Dylan.

He's the biggest Kobe fan in the world.

Really? Well, come on down.
I'll introduce you.

- What?
- What? You hear that?

You want to meet Kobe?

MARCO: Bring the whole family down.

You guys can sit with the team.

Hey, this is my little girl, Megan.

She just invited me to her first
Daddy-Daughter Dance.

- So sweet.
- What did he just say?

What the hell did he just say?

Oh, sorry. He's okay.

No, I'm not okay. He's not okay.

- Honey, you need to calm down.
- No! I'm not gonna calm down.

She asked me first!

And now she's asking him?
No. It's not fair.

You know what, actually, it's very fair.
Okay? She has two dads.

She wants you both there.
You just have to accept that.

No, I'm not going to accept it. All right?

I do pick-up! I do drop-off!

Okay, I volunteer at school!

I listen to the tantrums and the crying

and the soundtrack of Frozen
that's on a goddamn loop all the time!

And he just waltzes in for a few days,
and now he gets to go as well? No!

No, she's got to choose.
It's either me or him!

- Megan, you got to choose!
- (SARA SHUSHING)

- You got to choose!
- SARA: Hey!

It's the biggest decision of your life!

Hey!

You know what? I'm going to pretend
you're not acting like a crazy person,

because I know you're very upset.

But you need to get over yourself. Okay?

Now go down there and
be happy with your kids.

No! A scalper gouged me 18 grand
for these seats. I'm not leaving them!

What?

- (STAMMERING)
- What did you just say?

Yeah. Nothing. Let's just... You're right.

(SIGHS) I'm so much more relaxed now.
Thank you.

Yeah. Let's just go down... Let's just...

No!

I think you should sit
in your $18,000 seats,

and think of all the better ways
your family could have used that money.

Sara.

The guy from the nuclear sub thing?

- Mayron! That's him.
- That's the guy?

Can I get some beers down here?
Can I get five beers?

Excuse me, some beers!

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALL CHEERING)

THE WHIP: What's up, everybody?

Let's make some noise!

Whoo-hoo!

Tonight, one lucky fan is going to

get a chance to shoot from half court

to win a family vacation to Disney World!

(ALL CHEERING)

And our lucky fan is sitting in

section 113,

row 6,

C-1. Where is he?
Let's see it. Where is he?

It's me. It's me, I win!

- There he is.
- I win.

I'm-a make it to Disneyland.
I'm-a make it all right.

- All right, Brad!
- Yay, Brad!

Yay, Brad!

All right, sir, how you doing?
What's your name?

First off, I love my kids.

He loves his kids! Let's give it up!

And if anyone was ever
to do anything to them,

- I would hurt them.
- Okay.

I would freakin' hurt them!

THE WHIP: Okay.

This guy over here is trying to take them!

Trying to steal my family.

He doesn't sweat!

Okay, you know what?
Why don't we just shoot...

But I got news for you, buddy!

Last night, while you were sleeping,

I made love to our wife!

- Okay.
- My wife!

BRAD: Sara, right over there!

Took my wiener out of my pants!

This is a family event, okay?

- Boo! Boo!
- All right.

So,

even if Sara does pick you,
you're going to have to be

the stepdad to my kid!

You see how you like it! Okay?

THE WHIP: Let's get somebody else
down here, all right? Somebody else...

Somebody else is going to win
a family trip!

Give me that ball, you.

This one's for Dylan and Megan
and Sara and Dylan.

Nothing but net.

THE WHIP: All right, he's going for it!
Nothing but net!

(GRUNTS)

- (GROANING)
- (ALL GASPING)

Do-over!

- That's a do-over!
- No do-over. No.

It's a do-over!

- (GROANS)
- (ALL GASPING)

(BRAD THUDDING)

(ALL APPLAUDING)

THE WHIP: I'm so sorry
you had to see that. I'm so sorry.

(CAR ENGINE STARTING)

SARA: Hey, kids, why don't you go inside
and put on your pajamas?

- What are you doing?
- I'm comforting you.

Sara, look... Sorry, too soon. I know.

But I just want you to know
that I'm here for you and the kids.

Oh, really? You want to be
a real parent now? Is that what this is?

Absolutely. I'm here now.

Dusty, I'm working crazy hours this week.

With Brad gone, the kids
are gonna have to be dropped off,

picked up, taken to swimming lessons.

Dylan has a play date with Eli on Tuesday,

and Megan has a dentist
appointment on Friday.

Sara, I know in the past
I've been unreliable,

but this is a new me. All right?
This is the new Dusty.

Well, you can't take them
to school on a motorcycle.

- You need a car.
- Done.

Okay.

Hey! You're not staying here!

Are you sure you don't need
company right now?

I mean, you're going through
a tough transition here.

Be here at 6:30 tomorrow morning.

Well, can I at least
come in and get my stuff?

No!

DUSTY: I'm gonna wait for a while,
in case you change your mind.

(SIGHS)

Hey.

Oh...

What did you throw Griff out for?

- This place is chaotic.
- (SCOFFS)

There's always some bullshit
going on in that house.

God, man. Want to go to the Red Roof Inn?

Let's do it.

Is that Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

(MUFFLED) Yes, sir.

DORIS: Okay. No running!

All right. Lindsey! Sloane!
Car's open right down there!

Okay, sir, inside the cones!
Just like ice cream!

Keep it inside...

That's right! Thank you.

(CAR ENGINE REVVING)

Hi. I see you've been picking up
Megan and Dylan these past few days.

Should I expect you from now on?

Um, yeah, I'm their real dad,
so yeah, from now on.

Terrific. I see that you also haven't
signed up to volunteer in the lane.

Brad was so good about
helping us out in the lane,

in the classroom, PTA, and so forth.

We could always count on him
for bake sales, Spring Sing,

costumes for Winter Pageant.
You know the drill.

I hope I can count on you
to be the new Brad.

Ah, sure, yeah. You can count on me.

I mean, I'm their real dad,
so, yeah, I'll be here every day.

Great. So, if your kids aren't out here,
I'm gonna need you to circle around

to the back of the line. Okay?

- No, I can't go around.
- Thanks.

I came ten minutes early
so I don't have to...

If your kids aren't here,
you have to go around!

I know. There's somebody
in front of me. Okay?

Just go around!

I can't just go over the
cones! I'm boxed in here!

- Go around!
- No, you can't! Okay?

She said stay in the cone, like ice cream!

- (HONKING)
- Go around!

DORIS: Inside the cones!

Amanda has got a recital!

I have to get there! You need to go!

(HORN HONKING CONTINUES)

(REVVING ENGINE)

- (TIRES SQUEALING)
- DORIS: Hey!

We always stay inside the cones!

Cones! (GRUNTING)

Cones! Come on!

(MR. HOLT SIGHING)

Have you been living here
for the last few days, Brad?

No.

Then what's with the blankets
and the hot plate

and the B.O.?

I crapped in the wastebasket.

You know, Brad, two years
into my thing with Charlene,

her first husband showed up.
Oriental fellow.

You can't say that.
You cannot say "Oriental."

His name was Yu or Wu.
It could have been Javier.

Anyway, I get off early one day,
get home, and

there he is, stark naked in our bed.

I didn't know what to think.

Really? You didn't know what to think?

Six months later,
I wake up in a Chinese prison

with a tattoo on my lower back
of a golf ball rolling towards my butthole.

I can't hear these stories anymore.

I'm sorry. I know they're
supposed to help...

Griff! What are you doing here?

Thought you should know
Dusty came by the bar earlier.

He was talking about how
he can't do the daddy thing.

I tried to talk some sense into him, but
he seemed determined to get out of town.

What, he's leaving?

I don't think I have to tell you,
but little Megan's dance is tonight,

and she's not going to have a daddy.

That's fantastic. Brad, you win.

And Dusty, because of
an act of cowardice, loses.

I mean, you're the daddy again.

Come on, hit that.

(SIGHS)

No, I'm not her daddy.

I wish more than anything I was,

but I'm not.

Yeah, you're right, Brad. A real dad
wouldn't give up on his kids so easy.

(DOOR CLOSING)

Griff!

Wait!

He's still in the room, Brad.

Oh, hey.

Sorry. I thought you stormed out.

What you said sounded like a storm-out,
and then I heard the door close.

I just thought that shit
was getting kind of personal,

so it'd be good to close the door.

So extremely thoughtful. Thank you. Yeah.

And just so you know where my head was at,

I was going to chase you
down the hallway. Right?

You'd hear my footsteps and you're like,
"Is someone after... What's going on?"

Boom! It's me, and I'm like, "Griff, hey!

"You were right."

Holy shit! That would be so uplifting.

Can we do that?

Griff, can you storm out, and Brad,
you go after him?

I don't really want any part of that.

That sounds like pure nonsense to me.

I don't want... I'd rather not.

We could just try it, you know?

No, that sounds forced and weird to try to

recreate something. Not even recreate.

It would be creating. It didn't happen.

It's over-discussed at this point.

Shouldn't you go see your kid?

- Yeah. Yeah.
- All right.

You guys go. Brad, can I come?

No.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Daddy's not coming, is he?

Oh, honey, he'll be here. He promised.

I see cupcakes over there.

I think you should go eat some. Go on.

Go eat a lot of sugar.

(VIBRATING)

Dusty.

- Nope.
- Come on, Dusty.

Where are you going?

I'd pay a billion dollars
to take her to that dance.

- You're just gonna leave?
- You take her then.

I can't take her. Okay?
I'm not welcome after I said

I was gonna put a spite baby
in her mother.

- I guess that's out, then.
- Yeah, that is out.

- So it's gotta be you.
- (SIGHS)

I'm sorry, Brad,
I just can't do it, all right?

What do you mean, you can't do it?

I can't stay inside the cones.

Look, Dusty, the cones are
there for everyone's safety.

- It's not about the cones.
- You just said it was.

The cones are a metaphor, Brad.

I'm not the domestic type, okay?

Dusty, come on.
What are you talking about?

You're organized, you're handy.

You make the best cinnamon rolls
I have ever tasted.

Those were Cinnabons, Brad. Come on.

You can't make rolls like that
in a conventional oven.

I knew it! I knew it.
I knew it from the beginning!

So you've been telling
some tall tales, huh?

- All that Special Ops stuff.
- No, just the Cinnabons!

Why would you lie about Cinnabons?

'Cause I wanted to win. All right?

I wanted to prove that
I was a good dad, too, but I'm not.

Okay? Are you happy?
Is that what you want to hear?

All the noise and the mess
and all the choices.

You do one thing wrong,
you can screw them up for life.

- Do you realize that?
- Yeah.

Dads have to make a lot of choices, okay?

And we blow most of them.

Yeah, and the other parents.

That kid, Eli. I was over there
for a play date. You know about this?

You can't just ride your bike
over to a friend's house,

to play Hot Wheels anymore,
now you got to make some kind of date?

- I know, it's a shame.
- Well, I'm over there,

and the kid's dad keeps
asking me if Dylan's gonna be

in the gifted program with Eli.

Like Dylan isn't as smart as
his little ball-scratcher kid.

I wanted to murder that smug prick.

Dusty, look, I hate that guy, too, okay?

But his son is Dylan's best friend,
so you suck it up.

(STUTTERING) I mean, that's most of
what dads do, is take shit.

I mean, that's what we do.

I can't do it, Brad.
I can't take shit like you do.

You take shit better than
anyone I've ever met,

and I mean that as a compliment
from the bottom of my heart.

- Thank you.
- But I'm sorry, Brad. I can't.

I can't do it, man.

You made a promise to Megan,
and you're gonna keep it.

Ow!

(GROANING)

Did you just punch me in the face, Brad?

Ow, yes.

Knowing full well I got no choice
but to bust you up now?

I really wish you wouldn't.

If I did, you'd take that beatdown
for those kids, wouldn't you?

Yeah. Yeah, I would.

- Come on.
- Good luck, Dusty.

What? No, no, you gotta come.

It's just... I can't see Sara
after what I said.

Sara loves you, Brad. All right?
I know just what to say to her.

You just stand there
and look lost without her.

- I am lost without her.
- Well, that's good. Then let's go.

- But I look terrible.
- Yeah, you do. Come here.

- What are you doing?
- I'm fixing you up, man.

Dusty, get your hands out of my pants.

Calm down. Think I want to
touch your little dinky?

I'm trying to fix you up.

All right. Let me see.

Wow. I look great.

Here you go.

- That's incredible.
- Come on.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

SARA: Hey, pumpkin.

Daddy wanted to be here,
I know he did. He just gets...

Whoa, whoa, whoa... Uh-oh.

She's doing her arms-folded thing.

You said she'd smile.
Maybe even start a slow clap.

Don't worry, I got this. Okay? Come on.

Oh, hey, look, it's the guy that
stranded his kids at school.

And look who he's with.

Did you get anybody pregnant
on your way over here, Brad?

No, I didn't.

- DUSTY: Sara, listen...
- No!

- Sara, please.
- No. I am not going to listen to you.

You know what? Your daughter's been
sitting there for two hours, heartbroken.

Sara, I am so sorry...

Oh, just, please. Will one of you idiots
just ask your daughter to dance?

- Really?
- SARA: Yes.

Neither one of you deserves her, but yes.

- Go ahead, Dusty.
- No, you take the first one.

You've earned it more than I have.

Dusty, please, she's your daughter.

What the hell did I miss?

I'll tell you what. I'll vouch for you
to the kids and I'll take the first dance.

I'll say my good-byes,
and then I'll get out of your hair.

Wait, wait. When you say
"get out of your hair,"

you mean leave, like leave-leave? Tonight?

Daddy! Brad! The fourth graders are here.

They're picking on Dylan again.

That's it.
Those little shitheads are dead.

Where are they?

DUSTY: Those are the fourth graders?

- They're girls.
- Uh-huh. They're so mean.

Why are you even here at
the Daddy-Daughter Dance?

Are you a daughter? Are you a girl?

Are you too scared to take me on
without your little friends?

- Oh, no, he's calling out the big one.
- Oh-oh.

Oh, no, no, no.

Come on!

Dylan!

- (ALL GASP)
- Yes!

- Dylan, what are you doing?
- Did you see? Did you see?

I punched her in the face,
just like you taught me.

- What?
- And then I kicked her right in the nuts.

You like that, bitch? Huh?

- No, no, no!
- You want some more, bitch?

Sweetheart, what happened?
What's going on here?

He punched me in the face.

Then he kicked me in the swimsuit area.

Then he called me the "B" word.

Who did, him?

He did. I saw it.
He said they taught him to hit girls.

No, no. We thought
your daughter was a boy.

- What?
- No, what he means is that

Dylan told us that a fourth grader
was picking on him,

but he didn't tell us it was a girl.

Yeah, and if you had, we'd have told you
it's never okay to hit a girl.

And that she's probably only bugging you
because she likes you, buddy.

I do not like him.

Oh, I think she likes him.

Ah, gross, whatever.

She totally does.

Are you calling my daughter a whore?

- What?
- They were implying it, Jerry.

Wait. That's quite a stretch.

Mrs. Troy, please. I got this.

Wait, first of all, which one
of you two is the kid's dad?

They both are.

(GASPS)

Oh, my gosh. Wow!

I'm sorry. That's the first time
he's ever referred to me as Dad.

It's something I've wanted to hear
for a long time, so it's a bit poignant.

I tend to cry a lot

when things get emotional.
They tease me all the time.

- I'm actually the stepdad.
- Oh, is that right?

So you're the real dad, huh!

Hey. You don't want to
embarrass yourself, buddy.

You threatening me now, tough guy?

- He's threatening you, Jerry.
- Nobody's threatening anybody.

But you're gonna want to
back that up, Jerry.

And you, Squidward tie.
Quit being an instigator,

or I'm gonna have to rap you in the mouth.

(YELPS)

Hey, hey, hey. Everyone just calm down.

We're at the Daddy-Daughter Dance.

You stay out of it, all right?
You don't count!

I want to talk to the real dad here.

Hey, Brad here is more of
a real dad than any of us.

You ever want to see how you should be
raising your kids, go look at this guy.

Here I go again. What did I tell you?

- Really? You mean that?
- Yes, I do, Brad.

You're a great dad.

(ALL GASPING)

- Like that?
- You shouldn't have done that.

Yeah? Why?

I'm pretty sure he kills people for a job.

He's been rather vague with me,
but that's what I'm kind of surmising.

- Are we gonna do this?
- DUSTY: Oh, we're gonna do it.

- Okay. You ready?
- DUSTY: Yeah, I'm ready.

- This is what you get.
- MEGAN: Daddy.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

Want another one? Come on in.

What's going on?

Is this like some UFC shit?

DUSTY: Come on, Brad.

That's right. It's a dance, Jerry.

Yeah. So dance, Jerry!

Yeah! You just got served, Jerry!

You just got a piping hot serving.

I'm not getting served.
You're getting served!

You don't know this about me, Jerry,
but I like to move my body.

Get it, Brad!

(ALL CLAPPING RHYTHMICALLY)

Yeah! Yeah, Brad!

This is a dance! Let's go!

(ALL CHEERING)

(LAUGHING)

Am I the only one with my shirt off?

You know you can't leave, right?

You want me to stay?

These guys are growing up so fast.
You don't want to miss it.

You're sweating profusely.

- I know. I sweat a lot.
- That's cool.

Thank you.

BRAD: So Dusty did stay.

And with the huge amount of money
he was making as the voice of The Panda,

he built his own new castle
right down the street.

Hey!

But we kept Tumor because he didn't
get along with Dusty's new puppy.

(WHIMPERING)

It turns out Tumor was only five...

- (TUMOR GROWLING)
- ...so we're going to have him

for a long, long time.

- BRAD: Tumor!
- (DOORBELL RINGING)

And I was more than a little surprised

when Dusty showed up one day
with his new wife

and his new stepdaughter.

This is my stepdaughter, Adriana.

- Hey, Adriana. I'm Brad.
- Want to go play?

That's your brother and sister.
You guys play nice, okay?

Hey, hon. Who's at the door?

Oh, hey, Sara. This is my wife, Karen.

Oh, is it... Your wife?

SARA: That Karen, wow, she is so great.

It turns out she's

a doctor and a celebrated
novelist. I mean...

Hon, would you...

- Come here, Griff. Come here, Griff. Oh!
- KAREN: He's so cute.

SARA: And I was so surprised when
I found out that we're the same age.

I mean, she looks so young, right?

Good for her!

Honey, you look amazing tonight.

(LAUGHS) What are you talking about?

It's just my normal clothes.
That's how I look.

I just got ready really fast.

Hey, Griff. Hey, little Griffy.

You want to come to Daddy?

What, you think I'm going to
pick his pockets or something?

- BRAD: No.
- He doesn't carry a wallet.

Oh, sweetie, be careful
with that knife, okay?

You're not my dad.

DUSTY: Brad was right.

Being a stepdad isn't always easy.

But he was also right that it's worth it.

And he was right about the Ford Flex, too.

It's a great family car.

Got plenty of room for the kids,
gear, and plenty of pickup for me.

I got the Weekender package.

A few more bells and whistles than Brad's,
but Brad doesn't need to know that.

(MOTORCYCLE APPROACHING)

(GASPS) Daddy!

Sweetie, I've been waiting for you to...

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

- Did you just gulp?
- No.

I heard a gulp.

DUSTY: (STAMMERS)
Well, a little bit, maybe.

- BRAD: Sure.
- There you are.

BRAD: He's a lot bigger than you.

He's got legs for arms.

Little star, guess what?

I like him. I like him a lot.

Yeah. I bet you he's
going to like us, too.

- BRAD: Remember, Loving Fence.
- DUSTY: Yeah.

BRAD: Just go say hi.

Yeah, look, I got this, buddy. Watch.

Hey. You must be Roger.

Nope.

(TUNING RADIO)

DUSTY: (SINGING) One-oh-three-point-six

The Panda!

JASON SINCLAIR: Caught Kenny G.
At the United Center this weekend.

Man, can that guy put on a show.

20,000 people on their feet
for the entire four hours.

You're listening to Jason Sinclair.

This is The Panda.

(SMOOTH JAZZ PLAYING)