Daddy Longlegs (2009) - full transcript

After months of being alone, sad, busy, sidetracked, free, lofty, late and away from his kids, Lenny, 34 with graying frazzled hair, picks his kids up from school. Every year he spends a couple of weeks with his sons Sage, 9, and Frey, 7. Lenny juggles his kids and everything else all within a midtown studio apartment in New York City. He ultimately faces the choice of being their father or their friend all with the idea that these two weeks must last 6 months. In these two weeks, a trip upstate, visitors from strange lands, a mother, a girlfriend, "magic" blankets, and complete lawlessness seem to take over their lives. The film is a swan song to excuses and responsibilities; to fatherhood and self-created experiences, and to what it's like to be truly torn between being a child and being an adult.


Uh, two hot dogs...

Uh... Mustard, onion...

Sauerkraut, and a large
pi?a colada.


- Yes.
- Let me have one foot long.

- Foot long?
- Yeah foot long.

- $1.50.
- Do you have a foot long hotdog?

No, we don't.

Oh, Man... uhmm I'll just have
two regular ones then...

Yeah, just like that.

Yeah, can I have
some Ketchup on that?


Holy shit.

Fuck... What's happening Alex?

Hey Lenny, uhm...
my morn talked to...

Yeah, have you seen,
have you seen Sage?

No, but my morn talked
to Sage's Morn and told her that...

You know,
I could go to your house.

- Whoa!
- Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Excuse me.

- Are you there father?
- Yes!

OK. Well you have
some parenting to do.

Really? OK I have
some parenting to do?

- Yes you do.
- Who are you?

I am the principal of this school,
Mr. Puccio...


I don't think this is a matter
for laughter right now...

- Let me tell you what happened today.
- Alright, I suggest you do that.

First of all, Frey assaulted
his math teacher.

OK, the kid is the size of
a two year old,

so I don't know what kind of ruckus
he'd be causing in your classroom.

Kids do not assault teachers, OK?

And wait let me show you
something else.

- Take a look at this.
- Alright just shut your mouth,

shut up.

Holy shit...
This is fucking disgusting.

Excuse me! Do not use
that kind of language here.

Do not reprimand me
in front of my own kids! Alright?!

Excuse me, that hair came
from one of his classmates, Brandon.

Just calm down for a second,
I'd like to hear what happened.

Brandon was beating up Johnny...
I don't like that.

Maybe this would be more productive
if you came back with their mother.

Alright, C'mon guys.

What? What are you doing?

You know we have things to do.

I'm sorry it was nice to see you,
you'll see him at school tomorrow.

But wait...
But my morn isn't here yet.

No moms, no playdates,
nothing today. Okay?

- And you? What is this?!
- Brandon was teasing.

You know what? Pull his hair!
Pull his hair!

- No.
- Pull his hair! Pull it!

You like that?
You like how that feels?

C'mon. That's disgusting!

Hey guys! I always wanted
a blonde mustache,

how do I look? Fancy?

Yeah, that's hilarious.
Henny Youngman over here.

How you doing sir?
Can you spare some change?

How's it going partner?

Trying to make some money,
and get something to eat.

- Something to eat?
- Yes... Um...

You know a lot of guys act like
their vets, and they really not vets.

I was stationed at Fort Jackson...
1968, 101st airborne.

- Is that-is that Virginia?
- No Columbia, South Carolina.

- The ditches?
- Yeah... 10 kills.

Tell you what we're gonna do,
I'm just gonna 20 dollars in my pocket,

so I can get home, but I'll be back
to check on you though man.

Hey! I won't be here! I'll be in a hotel
somewhere and I'll be eating.

It's on you brother,
you're talking to a fellow vet.

Thank you.

- Has anyone seen Frey?
- Nope.

Alright, I'm sure
he'll catch up with us...

- Hey Alex, what time is your bed time?
- Urn, 8. I like it, it's early.

Really? Sage tell him
what time you go to bed.

- Eleven. - See, because
he's a grown up, that's why.

You must be tired
when you wake up!

Spare some change?

Sorry man, ask this guy,
he's the bread winner.

- Young man, spare some change?
- We're in the middle of a conversation.

I... Uh... Have to use that round...

There's water in it
that you urinate in.

- Toilet! It's in there!
- Bathroom. I forgot the name.

You're addressing the wrong guy,
this is the bank...

Show him what you've got.

Don't give it to him,
I said show it to him.

I bet you got some money
in your pocket. I bet you got some.

Hey! He some money,
he gave you all that right?

You got some money
in your pockets! I bet you do.

Look, you don't want them to see
you looking bad like that, c'mon on?

Look man. I'm playing with my kids,
you asked for money.

We don't have any.
Just a little distance, alright?

- Good luck.
- But I've been sitting on my ass all day!

Well I've been
on my feet all day man!

Alright, c'mon. Forget the money,
c'mon guys! Forget it!

Alright, no joking. No joking
when we cross the streets.

Hold on to my belt loops.

I can't see Sage!
Are you holding onto my belt loops?

Hey Buddy?

What's shaking buddy?

This is for real...

This one counts...

- So the score is 10 - 0.
- What is it? 0 -0?

Just play!

Shoot it! Shoot it!

Aww, Swiss Cheese...
Guys, that's pathetic.

I'm Serving, I'm Serving.

Alright, this is going to be
even more pathetic.

Igor it! I got m

Whoa! Whoa! That's how someone
gonna get hurt. Hey, hey!

Give me the ball.
Give me the ball.

What is this the time out corner?

Alright, I'll play by myself.

Whoa he's back...

Alright well that's what happens
when you've been a bad boy...

you go to the time out corner...
Is that what your morn does?

Shut up.

- 55.
- Show me! Show me!

Guys! Oh God!

Oh... now we have revenge!
Now revenge of Lorenzo.


Alright guys let go,
I can't get up.

Come on, stop guys, I'm not kidding.
Guys let go of me!

Pile on! Pile on!

Get 'em off me!
Get 'em off me!

- You're suffocating him!
- Alright guys seriously get up.

- He's holding us!
- That's not possible!

They're holding me,
they're holding me!

Alright, OK, make 'em some breakfast,
guys go get some breakfast.

Off the bed! Go!

- Go buddy go!
- A whole lotta nothing.

Off you go, sorry buddy.

- What is this your feeding the kids?
- I don't know?

Look I brought some other stuff...

and the guy at the supermarket
you know what he said?

He said that one out of every
million boxes has a very...

special prize in it.

Very special prize in it alright.
You guys want to empty it out?

You want to empty it?
Open it up, open it up.

On the table.


A salamander!
A salamander!

Look at it!

Oh... my... god.
Let me see this.

- That's incredible!
- It's alive!

That is incredible!
Oh my god, seats guys.

Here sit down. Incredible!
Look at it's head, look at it shaking!

Oh wait, let me go find
something bigger,

or I'm gonna get a little home
or something for it okay.

Can you put it in my hands
I'll be safe with him.

I think the first thing we got to do
is we got to get a home for it.

Check this guy out!

Oh my god,
look at his head shaking.

Look at that... you can see
his digestive system,

maybe that's just dirt.
This is incredible guys.

Check it out guys.
What do we use for gravel?

We got this.

- Actually you know what.
- No, that's some of our food.

Oh my god, what is he doing?

Don't make it too wet.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Not on the floor.

Hey! Hey! Hey!

If this thing gets in the walls,
I don't know what would happen.

Here let me help, let me help.

- I got it. Stop, stop.
- Look Lenny I got the Lizard!

OK, this is not a... Competition.
We're all here to share the lizard.

- It smells!
- First thing we're gonna do...

- Stop hogging it!
- On the table. Hogging it?!

- First of all it's not yours!
- Silence! Silence!

The one thing we can do
without removing it

and freaking it out, because now
it needs to adjust to a new home...

is name him...

Can I show you something
in the bathroom?

Just be gentle with him.
Hey, Lenny!

He'll swallow.
Alright, alright.

- What?
- What was that in there?

What was that, you just like
slapped my hand away like that.

The kids, the kids are outside, okay,

I don't even know
what you're talking about.

Or Bob.

Hi spots, no Bob's too normal,
I like spots.

Spots, okay, spots.

I want commitment from you two,
bed time... Shake on it.

Okay, here we go,
we're gonna make you disappear.

Alright the magic words are
presto magic. You guys ready?

- And make us come back.
- Well, first things first.

Alright... one... two... Presto!


Oh my god,
this is incredible they're gone.

I'm going to the movies.

Why don't you go talk to her?

I bet she likes smart guys.

- Get her, get her, get her.
- Excuse me!

- Excuse me!
- Louder!

Excuse me! I'm sorry, um, hey.

I'd like to buy a drink for the girl
over by the chalk board.

Which girl are you talking about?

The one right there
at the end of the bar,

in the white...
just a whiskey like I have.

- You made the right choice.
- Shut the fuck up.

You gotta look at her.

Good morning.
What's shaking?

How are you?

I'm fine.

I presume I should split.

You can hang out for a bit, because
I got to pack my stuff and get ready

because I am going
to go upstate today.

Far fucking out!
I fucking love it up there.

I love upstate so much.

I haven't been outside the city in
I think 4 years, you know.


Alright guys, up and at 'em,
up and at 'em.

Guess what!? We're going on vacation.
We're going on vacation!

- No! No!
- Up! Up!

- We're going on vacation!
- It's the weekend!

- We're going upstate.
- Open the can of nuts for me

Fantastic. That's hilarious.

We have fifteen minutes to get
our stuff together, we're going upstate!

- I don't want to go on vacation!
- Alright, come on.

- Pack your bags guys.
- I don't have any bags!

Use your school bags,
just dump em out.

We're going upstate guys!
We're going upstate!

We have fifteen minutes!
Up! Up! Up! Up! Up!

Just pack your bags man.

Dump 'em! Dump 'em!

I'm dumping 'em, I'm dumping 'em.

Do we need bathing suits?

- It was supposed to be a nice ride up...
- It is going to be a nice ride.

No, no that's not what I'm asking,
your not listening.

- No I was talking...
- No, let me finish, let me finish.

The guy called you,
and you just decided, that oh,

it would be a good thing to do that,
I'm going with my boyfriend out

to the countryside,
but let me tag along this guy.

What were you thinking!

He was feeling kind of overwhelmed
by the city

so I thought it would be a nice thing
to do if we brought...

We were supposed to be
a nice weekend.

- We are going to have a nice time.
- Yeah, sure!

And while where having
a good time...

Yeah, the three of us
having a good time...

well my plans were having
a good time me and you.

- Not the three of us having a good time.
- We cans till have a good time.

Alright, out.

- There he is. There he is...
- Oh my god...

- Hey!
- Hey, Lenny?

- What's happening?
- How are you?

This is the super of my building
and this is his son peanut...

They have been helping me
carry my bags. Thanks guys.

- Lookidy, lookidy.
- Introduce yourselves guys.

- I'm Sage.
- I'm Robert... Hello.

That's Frey
and these guys are so excited.

Come one, come on.

- That's Aaron.
- Hey, Aaron, Lenn...

- Hey, Lenny, how are you?
- Thank you so much!

God, their so excited.

- I'm in the middle, I'm in the middle.
- Hey guys...

What's happening man? You mind
if we throw our stuff in the back?

- Yeah sure, don't fuck up
the rug though. - What? Excuse me.

Nothing, nothing.

“Now I was so frightened,
that I'll tell you but I have to.

I screamed and rode away
and lost my hook line and bate too."

- I thought this was supposed to rhyme.
- I had no idea he had kids.

“You only could play
if your belly had stars..."

I mean I'm crazy,
but I'm not that crazy.

Crazy?! Your loco!
You're more than crazy.

Forget about crazy. Don't even
approach the subject of crazy.

The guy comes in with his kids...

Oh, wait guys! Check it out!
I got a traveling tape for us.


- Can we put it on?
- I'm telling you this thing...

Guys! No music in the car please,
really I get allergic to music,

I can't stand music
while I'm driving,

I can't concentrate on the road
and that's about it.

- I have to concentrate on the road.
- Your allergic to music?



Whose the witness?

Sage you see it? OK?
Don't forget it.

- Alright, name that flavor.
- Blue raspberry.

What! You cheated!
You little runt.

- Yeah you cheated.
- How would you know so fast.

Alright, who wants to,
what do we got thumb war?

One, two, three, four.

“Oh, say can you see,

by the dawns early lights
we are proud to be here... ”

Wait, you skipped the whole middle part,
wait you skipped like four lines.

Start over.
One, two, three, four.

“Oh say can you see... ”

Guys can you just shut up
for a second!

I'm sorry man, I shouldn't yell.
I'm sorry for this.

Hey, hey!

- Wake up.
- Yeah.

You have to drive man,
I'm totally tired.

Take a nap, man,
pull over, we'll all take a nap.

I'm not going to pull over, we have
to get there, so you have to drive.

Just pull over, man,
we'll all take a nap.

What's happening?

Just go back to sleep.

What are you doing?

You want me to drive the car?

No, he has to drive.
He has to drive.

Just pull him, he has to drive.


“Winter snow that melts,
April rain,

Oh, darling in my heart,

you'll always will remain,

when summer turns to fall.

As summer turns to fall... ”

- I want that one.
- OK, this one is giant.

You broke my stick.

Come on guys,
we're leaving, come on.

We've got to get to the boat.
Come on!

Hang on I gotcha.

- Here, give me your hand.
- Come on guys...

- Come on.
- Come on... Firas!


Firas, hi man.

- Come on and let me introduce you.
- Hello.

That's a very good friend, that's the guy
who's going to bring the boat.

That's Frey... This is Firas.

- Your not gonna go water skiing?
- It's 50 degrees outside.

It's hot, the sun is up.

It's warm.

The summer is not over.

Excellent. Beautiful.

- I got him, I got him man.
- Help them in the boat.

Hey, I got them.

Go ahead.

Life vests on,
oh great good going, grab it.

- How do you do this?
- Here I'll tell you,

you always have to sit on the boat,
don't stand up...

Alright guys, I'll pick you up in
what, two hours OK.

- No!
- What?!

- Ah, he's gonna water ski.
- You good?

Check him out!

Come on!

Oh, he's up!

Faster! Go Faster!

What do you guys think?

Look at what he's doing?

Hey, check it out guys.
Sage, Sage.

- Hi baby! - Over here,
over here, I need some help.

Alright, what do you want me
to catch for dinner tonight.

- Salmon.
- Salmon, alright.

I learned this in the army.

Anchor me!
I got one! I got one!

It got away, it got away.
Hang on.

We're still going for salmon?

Alright hold onto my waste.

Alright guys, lower me, lower me.

Pull me in! Pull me in I got it!

Ah, it got away! It got away!

Holy shit, hey Firas!
What is that?

That's Terry.

Far Fucking out!


What do you want, Sage?


This is sticky and ugly.

Sorry, please take out
a sheet of paper.

Urn, sit down please Fletcher,
come on guys.

Get out a piece of paper,
let's do a morning message.

Sit down please,
let's start off with that one.

Let's get a subtraction
problem in there.

I'm very sorry guys.

Alright guys, the other day
we were working on this problem,

and a lot of you guys had
some difficulty with it.

We tried to tally it up.
It's 11+8.

OK you guys ready for this?

What the heck?

It's on your back!

Benny, Benny, come on do it.
Let's do it.

You got this. You got it.

Write it, write down there.

What's the answer?
You got it, you can do it.

Did you get it right?
Guys, did he get it right?


Come on Tristin.

Yo Sage.

You want to spray Miranda
with fart spray?

Smell it. See what she'll smell like.

So are you with us or not.

I mean I'd love to but I don't wanna.
I got in a lot of trouble already.

Fine by me!

I'll trail behind and see what...

It's gonna be
the laughing of a life time.

William, can I interest you
in some CD's.

No, no, no,
they're only five dollars a piece.

Yo my friend,
you like Bill Withers?

You a reggae man?
Yo reggae man.

Hey Mr. ice cream, yo!

Let me help you.
Let me help you.

- Slow down, how you doing?
- I'm alright,

- I don't have any money man.
- Money! What do you mean money?

Hey don't fucking touch me,
I don't have any money all right.

You like Bill Withers?

Come on, come on,
you look like a Bill Wither man.

How about this, Jeffery Lewis?
Hold on come here.

Are they for free?
I told you I don't have any money.

You don't have any money,
how did you buy that ice cream.

Here take some bread.

Take some bread? Who the fuck
do you think your talking to jackass?

- Here try this.
- Alright, game over, game over.

OK. That's cool, everything's cool.
Hurry up man.

- You want to hold the fucking cones?
- Yeah I'll hold the fucking cones.

You think this is a fucking game.
You think this is a fucking game, man.

- No, I don't.
- Yeah?

You want to see those people
your buying that ice cream for.

- Here.
- Everything's cool bro.

- Can't I just by some CD's?
- There ain't no CD's in there.

I'll hold onto you, Sage.

Hey guys! Guys!

What's happenin'?
Sorry, I'm late.

Where's the ice cream!?

You know what?

I had ice cream and if you kick me
like that you're not getting anything.

Can we have a play-date
with Djoume?

- Oh, give me a break. Guys.
- You wanna go to play?

- Yeah.
- Please.

It's not a good idea.

- Listen guys.
- Please.

Hey. Listen to me.
Calm down.

Alright. It was a rotten day today.

We're going home,
we're calming down, alright?

Yeah, but that's because
your making me tense... you know...


I was in a great mood
when I dialed the phone.

You know,
my intention was to call you

and share with you
some very pleasant news.

We went upstate, you know...

Yes UP-state, does that sound like
I crossed state lines?

Look, you know what,
you're doing it right now.

You're doing it right now,

and I don't know what
your going to achieve with this.

What? Do you want me to just not
call you and give you updates?

You know I wish I had a...

Right, I'm gonna start tape
recording these conversations.

Because I'll rewind it and play it back,
and that's not how you said it.

That's not how you say it.

Yeah, they can hear us right now.

Keep going.
Keep going. Keep going.

Hey kids, hey guys.
Say hi to your mom.

- Hi mom. - Alright,
they're looking at me right now.

Yeah. No that's you,
you are perpetuating this.

You know what,
you have two choices right now.

One is you continue
acting the way your acting

and you watch me blow my top.
Or two I hang up on you.

Alright you got five... one.
Alright goodbye,

you made your choice, goodbye.

You see that guys? You see that?
That was awesome, huh.

Now I'm mad!

- Hello?
- Hey Lenny, open!

Alright guys...

- Hey what's shakin' Salvie.
- Hi guys? How are you Lee?

Come on in,
you picked a fantastic time.

- Salvie! Salvie.
- Hi kids, how are you guys?

You guys remember Salvie...
look's like he's got something.

This better be flattering.

So I arrived there.
They were fighting, bloody.

- Who was fighting?
- My brother and his wife.

- Your brother lives in Brooklyn?
- He lives in Brooklyn.

He was bloody fighting
with his wife.

- Today?
- Tonight.

Your brother lives
in Brooklyn right now?

- Yes, yes. He is living there.
- I didn't know this.

So anyway,
I could not stay there.

- So I went to that motel...
- Let me see what you got here.

So this is supposed to be me?

There we go, fantastic.

- Here's some gum.
- Fantastic.

Everybody was blind in that hotel.
Do you understand?

Which part? Salvie, I'm sorry.
I'm trying to follow you.

Oh my god. Let me eat these kids
and forget about this story.


And by now your blood will be sweet.
Because I eat kids. I eat kids!

I will eat both of you.


Salvie's a monster!

Oh my god.

Do you mind Lee
if I eat one of them.

You stay like that. Just lie down
and I will walk on you,

but keep your stomach very strong.
I beg-

No! Him first!

I will begin with you now.
Are you able?

- Tell me. Are you able?
- Yes. I think.

Help me... I can't...

No! Stop! Get off!
You're hurting him! Get off!

What the fuck is going on here?
Are you alright?

Is he alright?
Are you kidding or not?

- He's not.
- Alright, he's joking with me.

- He's not.
- Yeah, he's smiling.

He's not. He's stepping on us.

Stepping on him!? How would you
like it if we stepped on you?

Alright. Fun time is done.
Time for bed. It's a school night.

I am strong enough for that.

Enough games, enough candy.
It's bed time, people.

- Pizza man!
- Quiet!

Come and get it, you morons.

Don't make me come over there,
I'm not kidding.

Get in bed.

- Get back in bed.
- Fine.

You know what?
I'm gonna take all that candy

and I'm gonna flush it down the toilet,
how about that?

In bed. I-

“It's very fond indeed of
English school children,

they have a nice inky booky flavor.

Perhaps I will change my mind
and go to England with them..."

“You is disgusting!" Said the BFG.
“And you is an insult

to the Giant Peoples!"
Shouted blood Bottler.

Does anyone know
the Capital of Oklahoma?


What was the question?

- Ben.
- Oklahoma City.

Oklahoma City, well done.

Class, this is a perfect example of
what happens when you pay attention

and when you don't pay attention,
okay. Very well done Ben.

Alright Rick, Rick,
you're all threaded up

and set to go man,
you hit screen in ten minutes, okay?

I'm threaded up? What do you mean?
No, no, aren't you working tonight.

No. I am not working tonight,
you are working tonight.

- Oh, no, no.
- No, no, what?

- Your on the schedule.
- No.

First of all I am not on the schedule,
and second of all we agreed to this,

you are working tonight,
I have to pick up my kids.

I just came in to drop off the log.

Alright, don't fuck with me man.
Okay, I have to pick up my kids.

I can't, remember we had that
conversation, I have things to do...

Alright. Alright.
Listen to me. Listen to me.

- I have no flexibility here.
- Neither do I.

- I'm already late.
- I can't help ya, I got to go.

Listen to me. Please.

No, no, no, your staying, this is
your night we talked about this.

- Next time. Next time.
- Alright this movie's not gonna be run.

I gotta go.

Where you going?

The kids are with their dad
this week, and you know,

I'm on vacation,
I'm supposed to have this time off.

Unfortunately my last interaction
with their dad was not very positive.

- Hello?!
- Your here! Finally.

I apologize, unreservedly.

- What are you doing here?
- You guys, I love you.

- What are you doing here?
- Mr. Puccio, had to call me.

- You have no business being here.
- These are my kids...

what am I gonna do leave them
standing here waiting for you...

I apologize, something came up at work.
OK, but you know what this is my time.

You're not responsible enough
to be hereto pick them up.

Alright, have been told in advance...

that if daddy has an emergency,
their going to sit and wait,

there's no danger in that.

They cannot be standing here,
and the school is responsible,

and I am responsible and obviously
you don't think it's a big deal!

Okay, you're in charge
of the school stuff.

You're right! I am in charge,
you obviously can't be trusted!

It is your responsibility to make sure
he has my number,

when their with me,
so you should've informed them

- that for these two weeks they call me.
- They have to call their mother.

You know what I am not entertaining
this discussion. Hello.

This is my screw up.

I'm entitled to screw up
in my two weeks,

and you can screw up
for the rest of the year.

Right. You don't screw up.
Okay fantastic.

Say goodbye to your morn guys.

- I'm sorry about this guys, Lenny.
- I am right and you are wrong.

Say goodbye to your mother.

Say bye to mom.
Come on. Say bye.

- Bye mom.
- We have got to seriously rush.


Whoo! Fantastic guys.

Alright, give me five.

What your looking for
is a little white circle,

its gonna appear in the upper
right hand corner, okay.

And it's going to appear
for four frames long.

Alright, film runs
at 24 four frames a second,

I don't know how long a human
blink is, but do not blink,

I want you focused intensely
on that upper right hand corner.

That is a secret signal
just for us, okay?

- Alright, what are you looking for?
- The white circle.

And what are you going to do
when you see it?

- I'm gonna flip the button.
- Alright.

You looking? Don't blink.

- Alright go.
- No.

- Go! Go!
- No.

“Why doesn't the state just,
just put him away?"

Projection. Alright let's do it.

How you guys doing?

- No.
- Yes.

Alright, you guys need anything
I'm right in the booth.

Right on the line,
right on the arrow.

- On the arrow?
- Yeah...

- Let's do a test for starters. Okay?
- Okay, one.


Based on a true story.
“Hey Lenny, get me a cup of water!"

That's the boss.
And that's dad, “OK OK."

Water. And that's the boss's cup.

And then he's going into the bathroom
and peeing in the cup.

No description.
Penis. Boss cup.

Gulp gulp. “This tastes salty!"

I can't believe he actually
peed in the water.

- OK, so now...
- Let's do a thousand.

A thousand yeah.

Maybe it's 999.

999. OK, print.

Alright guys.

What'd I say.

- Sage jacket on.
- Why this is the good part.

We're going, put your jacket on,
I'm not kidding, put your jacket on.

Come on.

Hey guys! Hey.

Guys come on.

Sup, guys...
what's going on...

What's in the bags?

Get 'em!

It's going away!

- Hey! What is this? What is this?
- I don't know.

Get over here! Get over here!

- Jake, Jake, Jake...
- Hey man.

What's cooking?
You doing anything tonight?

- Uh, no I was just a...
- Alright,

I got a proposition for you alright,
I'll give you free reign over my place,

use it as a studio, get some work done,
you watch my kids for a few hours,

eat anything you want,
and in exchange...

Here's that Kurtzman
you've been Eyeing.

Come on. Do it.

- Yeah definitely.
- Far out.

Listen, I'm gonna take a shower.
45 minutes meet me at my place alright.

Yeah, OK. 45.

So you guys wanna do like,
good guys bad guys?

Like everyman for himself.

- Good guys bad guys.
- Push it open!

Jake. Jake. Look.

This guy could be dead,
or could be not.

Look what happened to his face.
You guys should paint these.

- No MSG.
- OK, one, OK. You finished?

OK, you order spring rolls,
and Coke a Cola, no MSG.

- I was kidding.
- Thank you.

What's up?

Nothing, I just, I haven't, I don't know.
I haven't seen you for a little while.

Your funny, your funny looking to me.
You look unfamiliar.

Funny Looking. Your hair got.

- What, more gray?
- Yeah.

- Yeah, there's less of it
- There is less of it and it's grey...

That's because Frey's
constantly yanking it out.

- Wow, that was fast.
- Thank you.


- Thank you.
- You first.

- That's incredible.
- Yeah, your coke. Ice. No MSG.

- Thanks.
- Enjoy your meal.

Thank you.

Oh! I had an Idea,

how about all of us
go upstate for a little while.

Why don't we just get out of the city
for a little while,

then it won't feel so hectic.

It's not going to be so chaotic
up there's fall foliage...

there's a lot of space for the kids
to run around,

they can do loops around the house.

Listen to me.
Conceptually that is a wonderful idea,

but on every other level
it is a horrible idea.

You understand that.
I don't think you have any sense,

what it's like for me right now,
you know.

This is what it's like being
inside my brain right now.

Okay, just... just...
just be a little bit more open,

like next time
we're all hanging out right.

- Yeah.
- I just want you to a...

- What?
- Just involve me a little bit more.

- Just, not even involve me...
- Okay, okay...

Okay, alright I'm sorry.

- Oh, fuck! Come on.
- Come on... no!

Fuck it! Forget it.

I can't pee for such a long time
you know.

So Frey, we're gonna do it okay.

Oh, cool! A fire truck.

- Is that pee?
- Yeah!


Oh, yeah!


That's it.

Frey! Help it! It's under a bump,
quickly! We need to retreat!

- Hey! Oh!
- OK, done, done.

Truce, truce.




Well let's walk the tracks.

I have a better Idea.

- What's that?
- I'll take a nap on the third rail,

how bout that.
Will you watch my stuff?

No, no, no. I'm actually serious.
Let's walk the tracks.

I'm actually serious too,

I'm gonna take a nap
on the third rail right there.

Yeah... that's gonna kill you.
This is gonna be fun. Let's go.


- After you.
- With all do respect,

- that's a really stupid idea.
- I think it's a great idea.

- I still think your joking.
- I think your a stupid idea.

Go, I'll see you at the next station.


- Leni!
- Yeah?


Up and at 'em.
What's shaking man, how'd it go?

Fine, it was fine, until I,
I got peed on.

That sucks.

Well if it's any consolation,
my night was a complete bust man.

I completely wasted
the fucking Kurtzman.

Yeah. Whatever.

Listen... please don't ask me
to do this again.

It wasn't a favor man I paid you.

- Jesus.
- Hey.

- What the fuck happened to you?
- You mad at me.

For crying out loud.

Hello? Jeff you woke me up man,
what's going on?

No, no.

That is not possible man.
I've got my kids...

OK, I understand you have
two kids in the room,

but we have about a hundred prints here,
that need to be checked by tomorrow.

I'm sorry
I can't even think straight.

You know Chris and Rick
are working their asses off right now,

trying to get us ready for tomorrow.

You know what, but that's not
my problem... it's your problem!

Jeff? Jeff?

You know it was
my problem earlier today,

I had to clean up a bunch of
freaking comics

that were strewn all over the theater,
and I had to find people clean it up.

You know what! That was my problem,
and you know what else is my problem,

is when they run around this freaking
booth like its a freaking playground.

Alright, I'll have my girlfriend
watch the, alright, goodbye.

Listen, listen. OK I have to pull
an all nighter. OK.

OK. I can't watch the kids though.

Urn, I don't think you understand,
I'm going to lose my job,

and I need somebody here
to watch them when the wake up.

Look, I would love to but I can't,
I just can't.

I've got to work in the morning.
I'm really, really sorry.

- I would love to watch the kids.
- I'll be right back.

Lenny? Where you going?

- Yeah!
- Jake. Listen, um,

I need you to watch my kids tomorrow
morning man, it's a real emergency, OK?

No way.

Listen to me Jake, please.
This is a dire situation OK,

- I'm going to lose my job.
- Sorry, no way.

Is there anyway
I can twist your arm man.

Come here, quick.

Come. Leni.

Goddamn it!

Listen, here's what we're gonna do.

- You see one of these?
- Yeah. Sure.

I take these when I want to sleep
through the garbage trucks in the morning

and just get an extra
three hours rest, okay.

- So we divide this up.
- Okay.

Give the kids a third each,
and then we're good to go.

I don't know if that's a good idea,
their just little kids, I don't know.

Listen to me, what's a worse idea is
if they wake up and nobody's here.

Do you understand that okay.
They're gonna freak the fuck out.

This is a sedative.

- It's cool.
- Okay.

Check it out, you see that?
That's like an eighth of a pill.

Okay, I think there may be
a little bit too much in there.

Alright, come on.

Come on!

Alright buddy.

OK, go back to sleep,
go back to sleep.

Alright buddy.


Alright buddy.

Alright guys. Let's do it.

Come one. Up.


I know you guys can hear me,
come on.

Alright. One... two... three.

Come on. Come on, I'm serious.

Crunch! Crack!
Come on guys.

Guys come on.

Come on!

- Stephen! Holy shit.
- Where are they?

They're right over here.

They've just been out like this
for the past...

Listen man, you know,
I take one of these pills

when I want to sleep
for an extra two hours, you know.

Are you sure you only
gave them an eighth?

I chopped up a little bit...

It was not more than that,
it was a pinch!

I'm telling you a whole one knocks
a full grown man out for two hours!

You got to back off.

Here, that was it, this is...

Is it possible it has something to do
with the tap water?

- I mixed it with tap water.
- No! Just be quiet.

- Maybe the pills were expired?
- Shut up! Stop it.

Their in whats called
stage for sleep.

- What is that?
- It's like practically a coma.

But lucky for you
they'll wake up from it.

That means they're good.
They're fine.

- Yeah! They're not fine.
- You are so lucky.

I'm all fucked up man,
I don't know.

I mean, honestly if I wasn't your friend
I would've called the police.

You know... I'm a doctor...
I'm not supposed to be like.

So they don't need to go to the hospital,
they're okay just here.

So I don't have to tell...
I don't have to tell their mother.

They're going to be fine,
they'll wake up...

Well I don't know
when your talking to her.

It could be two days,
it could be a week,

- it could be up to four weeks.
- Holy shit!

It's not funny!

We don't need to go to a hospital
or anything like that.

- So I don't need to freak out right?
- They should be fine.

Is this like dangerous,
is there gonna be residual effects?

Like I said, they're fine.
I can't believe this.

Alright, well thanks for coming in.

Your welcome. I'm just glad
everything's okay.

- So we don't have to freak out.
- We don't have to freak out.

You just got to wait.

I just, you know, I just have
so much shit coming down at work,

I'm not thinking clearly, man you know.
I really appreciate this.

I just can't... I don't know
what's wrong with you.

If you weren't my friend
I would've called the police.

- ...alright you said that twice now.
- Thank you for coming by.

You know that song.
And what else did she do.

Of rainbows and flower...
Rainbows and...

Leslie Gould.
So that was your apology to her?

That was my apology, I mean
I think that she... she accepted.


- Shit! He's back.
- What?

He's back hang on.



I'm more concerned with the guy
screaming in this apartment.

Do you see him?

- Just pick up the bag.
- OK, no, the bag has holes in it.

- I have to get him in the jar.
- He's more afraid of you.

- Go in there.
- Whoa. Put him in the thing.

- OK. I'm gonna throw this out.
- Okay go!

Before we get into this.
Why don't you just call the kids.

Please, Stephen made it very clear...
Listen to me.

He said. A minimum of two days right,
so I don't want to like...

That's why I'm here. I don't want to rack
my brain worrying about it hour by hour.

I know, but then I... Just so that
I could get it off my mind too,

just give them a call
and make sure that

their not still wondering around
the apartment, like awake.

- Alright.
- And lost.

Hey guys! It's me!

There's no doubt in my mind
that your asleep right now.

But on the off chance that you
woke up prematurely, here I am.

Pick up the phone.

If you hear my voice,
pick up the phone.

If you can hear me,
pick up the phone.

Come on guys.
Come on guys.

Alright I'm gonna count to three.

And I'm just going to assume
that you are asleep.

One one thousand,
pick up the phone.

Two one thousand.

Alright three one thousand,
alright I'm not far guys.

I'll keep checking in.
I love you. Bye.

But you were buying spray paint
and that was for work.

Yeah. I can put it on the tab and buy,
you know, an overload of an amount

and I can kind of sneak
in my own colors.

- For?
- I go bombing.

What does that mean?

Bombing. Like graffiti.
You know, like that primitive...

Really? Like, you write stuff
or you draw pictures?

- I write rambo. On Sundays.
- Rambo. You write that?

- I usually like to go on Sundays-
- Are there less cops maybe?

Yeah, well they have that T.N.T.
Tuesday night task-force.

Tuesdays and Thursdays
there are more cops on the street.

- Hey, what's up, man?
- What's happening?

- Lenny.
- Hey. What's up, man?

- You mind if I join you guys?
- No.

Look, I don't wanna interrupt
I'm just totally listless.

I just wanna kill time. You know,
I don't wanna go home yet...

He's gonna tell us a story.
He's a graffiti artist.

I'm not sure
if I'm supposed to say that.

For Christ's sake.

- You can't even see it.
- C'mon. It's fuckin' cold, man.

Cut it out.

For cryin' out loud.
Let me have this.

No oil here.
I don't know what that means.

It looks good, Lenny.
Way to lay it on thick, man.

Don't put my last name on there.

Lenny! Run! Lenny!
50. Run Lenny!

- Oh, fuck.
- NYPD, let me see your hands!

- Let me see your hands!
- Whoa, whoa, listen!

- Let me see your hands!
- I didn't do anything.

Up against the wall.
Let me see your hands.

- Hey! I'm not resisting.
- Let me see your hands.

- I didn't do anything!
- Stop movin'.

- First of all... I don't wanna hear
your mouth! Stop movin'!

- I'm not resisting.
- What do you have on you?

Listen to me.
I was writing something nice.

- What'd you have on you back there!?
- Do I have anything on me? Alright.

I'm not resisting.
For the record, I'm not resisting!

Let's go.

Line up right over here by the window.
Back against the wall.

Back against the wall!

I'm tryin' to figure out
what needs to happen

before we can get back
out on the street.

- Well, Dad, we need to-
- Don't be a dick, alright?

We'll probably see a judge
in the next twenty-four hours,

- I'm assuming.
- It's gonna be a while.

Since it's the weekend we're definitely
gonna be in here a little longer.

I don't want the fuckin' sandwich!
Cut it out!

Leni. It's me.
This is a bonafide emergency.

So, I don't know where you are,

I don't know why you're
not picking up your phone.

That was my last quarter.
I'm kinda freakin' out.

I need you to please go up
to thirty-fifth street

and check on the kids
as soon as you get this.

I have to see a judge apparently and
that might happen at nine in the morning,

it might happen at eleven
in the morning... goodbye.

Anyone have another quarter?

Why don't you call collect?

- You want my sandwich?
- No. I'm good, thanks.

Hey buddies.

Dad, can you turn down the music?

Frey! Oh God!

Sage! You're awake!
Oh my God!

Listen, listen, we overslept,
we're late for school.

We have five minutes. We overslept.
It's my fault. It's my fault!

- This isn't the right way.
- Right way where?

To school.

Well guess what? That's 'cause
we're not going to school.

- Where are we going?
- C'mon, fuckers! Jump up.


- It seems to easy...
- Alright, go. I'll catch you.

You know what'll happen
if you fall over.

I'll race you down, Sage.
Ready, go.

Hey, hey.
Okay. C'mon guys.

C'mon, slowpoke.

- Daddy?
- What?

Get down.

C'mon, dad!

Frey, Frey, Frey come here.
Great. It's great. It's fortifying.

Stop, guys. C'mon.

I want you to appreciate
what you're seeing.

Isn't there something?
Give me one detail from each window

and then we can move on.
You each have to say one detail.

Realistic clouds.

Okay, good. Realistic clouds.
That's one. You?

- Red flowers.
- Okay, red flowers. That's good.

Okay, one detail out of each window
and then you're aloud to move on.

Beautiful background.

Beautiful background. Okay, that's
sorta generic, but it's passable.

It means, you know,
it's not the most colorful description.

What's happening, guys?

- Is that real?
- Yep.

You know I killed one just like this
in the bathroom the other day.

- Did it suck your blood?
- Actually, it didn't suck my blood

but I used one of your old
sweatshirts to sop it up.

- Was there a lot of blood?
- Oh, yeah.

- That would suck all of your blood out.
- There native to New York.

Yeah that would suck
all of your blood out.

Are those real?

Yeah, they breed in the sewers.
Nah, it's made out of wax I think.

They magnify it so you can see
all the details. That's incredible.

- Heads under.
- Daddy, you know that mosquito

you said you killed that
we saw in the museum?

I was kidding.
That was a joke.

Remember today you were making
all sorts of jokes.

Remember at the museum you said
I looked like the monkey.

- No.
- Well, I was joking too.

Yeah, but-

Mosquitoes do not exist at that size.

They don't exist in this apartment
at that size.

Only in the world of jokes
are there mosquitoes that big.

- Alright, guys, dunk your heads.
- But was it slimy?

Under, under, under.

C'mon, seriously guys dunk
your heads please.

- I did.
- I know you did.

Please. Take a page
from your brother's book.

- Mom's name is Paige.
- That's right. That's correct.


you don't leave me any choice.

Dad, every time I close my eyes
I see the mosquito and you said

you'd turn on the lights,
so can you please turn on the lights?

It's just gonna make it
harder to fall asleep.

Can you please turn on the light,
I don't care.

- Yeah, can you turn on the light.
- Alright, alright.

I don't want the mosquito to come
and suck my blood out.

You realize, guys,
that mosquitoes are drawn to light.

So, if anything this is just
gonna make it scarier.

And harder for us to fall asleep.

'Night dad.
'Night dad, 'night Sage.

Alright, goodnight guys.

When are we gonna see you again?

Soon, very soon.

Five days?

- Well, not five days.
- I bet in a year.

- Less than a year.
- No.

- Yes, I mean.
- C'mon guys.

Yes we'll see in you
in less than a year.

- Hey.
- Sorry, I'm late.

Hi, I love you guys.
I missed you.

Listen, I got movie tickets.
We gotta go.

- Alright, go to your mom.
- Let me get a taxi.

C'mon, go to your mother.
I know you guys don't wanna go, c'mon!

Run! I'm serious, you're late. Go.

- Here's a taxi, you guys!
- Seriously, no joke, it's time.

- They don't wanna leave.
- I got treats.

- Listen, say good bye to your dad.
- Bye, dad.

- Just wave to your father.
- Hey Frey, you know what?

That's what.

- Wave to your dad.
- The bag!

- The bag!
- Hey! Hey!


Hey, hey. What do we have?
Got some nice wood here.

- Look, you don't see this everyday.
- Dale, c'mon.

This is good.
I can do anything with this.

- Help me take it to the car.
- It's junk.

No, it's good,
I can do anything with it.

It's junk. Check it out.
It's cheap wood. You see that?

- Relax, man. You're gonna ruin it.
- Ruin it? It's a piece of shit!

Relax, man!


I am not angry.
I am frustrated.

And very confused.
I would like to just hear from you.

If you would like me to stop
calling you I would like to know that.

I keep saying, the kids are
not here anymore.

I have the free space,

I have the mental space
to be more considerate.

I don't know.

Please, just call me
and say hello.

Or call me to tell me
to stop calling you.



Hey! Hey! What the fuck
are you doing, man!? Hey!

Hey, quick, you hear that?
Frey, Frey?

Sage? Sage?

Sage! What's shakin'?
What's happening, kiddo?

Very good. Listen,
will you put your morn on?

Will you put your morn on for me?

Okay. Here she is.
It's dad.


Well, you know, it's six o'clock,
I'm making dinner. What's up?

Do this part again.

I've got Carmen coming tomorrow...

No, no, but tomorrow is a half-day
and I've got plans to take the kids

to see my folks this weekend. Okay?
So it's not gonna happen.

It's a half day. Right.
And I have paid Carmen in advance.

She's coming to get the kids
so it's not gonna work.

I understand that you miss the kids,
that's great, but frankly,

you're lucky you even see the kids.

You are.
Because I hear the stories.

You know, I could easily
get full custody with these kids.

The stories that I've heard
with all your weirdo friends.

These are little kids, it's completely
inappropriate what you do with them.

I know you're the father,
but you know what?

You're not a great father all the time.
And you certainly were not that great

when you had them
for the last two weeks.

It's not gonna happen, my food is
getting burnt and over done here,

I've got to go.

Okay, I'll see you.
No. Goodbye.

Have you done anything?
No. You haven't done anything.

This is homework that's due tomorrow.
You see? It's double sided, do it.

Okay? Frey, we're gonna eat
in five minutes, okay?

So just hang in there.

Frey! Frey!


Carmen! Cómo estas?

- Cómo está usted?
- Cuanto tiempo!

Mucho tiempo.

How you doin' buddy?

- Hay una problemo.
- Si, qué paso?

Paige made a big mistake.
Change of plans.

I am taking the boys,
I'm gonna give them

a nice home-cooked meal today,
I'm gonna return them.

- I'm worried-
- No, no, don't be worried.

She gave me the money.
It was just a mistake. Please.

You know I'm responsible for them.

How you doin' buddy?
Where's your brother?

- Be good with daddy.
- Say goodbye to Carmen.

Alright, guys.

Check it out.

Alright we're almost ready
for the chicken, guys. Alright?

I made a list. Where is it?

We need some groceries.
Sage, come over here.

- You're in charge.
- What are we having for dinner?

- We're having Lenny surprise.
- Oh god.

Chicken Lennini! Listen to me.
This is a grocery list.

Read it back to me.

Milk, cream, orange juice,
apple juice, peppercorn, salt-

I don't want you going to the
Korean place on the corner, alright?

- It's a rip-off.
- Where else would we go?

And you're gonna make a left,
then you're gonna make a right-

this is how we save money-
then you're gonna make a right.

You're gonna go to the big supermarket.
Alright? This is fifty-five dollars.

- I'll take it.
- I got it.

You're in charge of the money.

You're in charge of picking out
the items. Teamwork, guys.

Alright, go. Twenty-ninth street
and third avenue.

Bye, dad.

Frey, Frey!

Look, fruit snacks.
They're my favorite.

- They have real fruit in them.
- Toss 'em in, I guess.

Rosemary, rosemary.
Crushed rosemary?

- Crushed or leaves?
- Leaves.

- Why leaves?
- It looks nicer.

- Hey!
' Hey, dad!

Quick! Catch it!
C'mon guys.

- Come on in. Guys, come on in.
- What's happening?

Listen to me, okay? Listen to me,
very carefully, alright?

This is a surprise.
We are moving,

we have ten minutes to bring
everything down to thirty-sixth street.

- What do you mean we're moving!?
- Just what I said.

We are moving
to a much bigger apartment.

- What about the TV?
- What about the sofa?

Listen to me!
We have ten minutes to go downstairs

to a truck that is going to move us
to a bigger apartment, okay?

I like this apartment!

You are embarrassing me
in front of Mark.

You are embarrassing yourselves
in front of Mark.

Lenny, this is a really
weird situation.

I gotta get out of here. Hey guys.
It's good to see you again.

I knew you when you were this big

and you when you were just
pretty much a thought.

- Mark, ten minutes.
- No, I'm gone man.

Listen guys, we'll catch up the next time
your dad's not moving.

Mark, mark. Do not do this to me.
Please, do not do this to me.

Ten more minutes!

You're really gonna wanna
take your hand off. No more.

- You've been a saint.
- Yeah, well. Later.

Alright guys, change of plans.
We are down to three.

I seriously need your cooperation.
We have to work as a team.

- No!
- Pick up a box, hold a box.

Hold this box, alright.

I got all your toys in here, okay?

We're only taking he essentials now
and guess what I considered an essential?

The games.

Give me a box.
Give me a box!

What do you look so happy for?
I see you smiling.

I see you smiling! C'mon.

Alright guys.-

Hey, hey, hey.
Alright, thanks man.

- What's with the fridge?
- I told you.

- I'm moving everything, man.
- But what's with the fridge?

You just told me you,
a couple boxes and that was it.

Just open the back for me, alright?
Alright guys. Up and at 'em.

And we're off.

Will you please hold on?

Thank you.

This is pretty awesome, huh?

Hey! Watch it!

Hold on!
Will you hold on to the thing!

Jesus Christ.
Hold on. I said hold on.

I'm holding on!

Will you watch your driving man,
I'm not kidding!

That's it. You or anybody
does not tell me how to drive.

Oh, come on man.
For cryin' out loud.

- Get your stuff out.
- Listen to me, I apologize.

- I got nothing to say.
- This is not a personal thing.

The kids were bouncing
all over the place.

- Get these things out.
- Oh, give me a fuckin break!

You alright? You alright?

Come on!

Come on, guys!
Here, three please.

- Frey, help!
- Just keep it.

Could you open
the service door for me?

Thank you.

- I'm not going.
- Help. Help!

I'm not going to.


That's fine.
Here, this way.

Forget it, just forget it.

Get the boxes on.

Frey, I need you
to cooperate right now.

This is all gonna be over
in five minutes, okay?

- No!
- C'mon, I'm not kidding.

- Get off! - Goddamn it.
Alright, we're ready to go.

Get off!

Stop it. I'm not kidding.
Listen to me...

Good afternoon,
if you're standing,

hold on please,
while the cabin's in motion.