Daddy Issues (2017) - full transcript

So, I'm single.

You meet me later.

Hey. Yeah. You look like you've
got some sexy emotional baggage.

I am thinking of starting a
dating app.

It's for girls like me
that matches you up

with guys that have no interest
in dating you, okay?

You just matched with Brian.

He is hot, unemployed and
still in love with his ex.

It's going to be
called Daddy Issues,

a destructive way to continue the search
for love you never got as a child.

Guys use me
for my body and I use them to...



This isn't normally what happens when a girl I
meet in a club invites me back to her place.

The whole thing about single is that
I'm so attracted to basically...

- I'm sorry.
- No, I mean you're funny.

- Oh, thanks. Do you really think so?
- Yeah.

- Really?
- Yeah. But you're also really pretty

and that is, um,
very distracting.

Um, before we proceed,

can we just watch the next part
of the video?

I just really needed to laugh so
I can feel validated.

Where is she? She was
supposed to get here last night.

She had a show last night.

I'm sure she'll show up.

Phone, phone, it's my phone.

Am I gonna get it?



There's like fifty missed texts.

Fine. Can you just
get dressed please?

Yeah, yeah.

Cool.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um...

What's happening?

Could you stand right here?

And then, if you just like...
yeah, pretend you're my boyfriend, okay?

Uh, why?

It's... it's Henri.

Hi, everyone. I'm
here now. It's me, Henri.

- Hi, Henri.
- Carry on.

How can you not be with your
family at your father's funeral?

As if Dad would have cared
anyway. I am making a statement.

This is Kevin, everyone.

It's Charlie.

This is Charlie, everyone.

Ms. Henrietta, it's
always, um, lovely to meet you.

Sorry about... I was going. I'm
gonna leave.

- Hang up on her.
- Wait. I have something to say.

If I had attended today,

I was going to talk about how
Dad and I used to go to the park

when I was at school in
California.

We never had much to say to each
other when we were there,

but it really meant a lot to me to be there.

And I'm sorry, Dad, I know you're
done with all my career choices.

All I ever
wanted was your acceptance.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

She didn't call.

Oh, she called. Oh.
Oh, thank you. Thank you, Henrietta.

So
big of her. So big of her.

Yeah, but she
lives, you know...

What? What? What?

She was here in some way.

Party tonight at Fabric.
I know you wouldn't miss it. 11:00 PM.

Alright, babe, here is Paul.

Sorry I missed you last night.
I'll stop by tomorrow.

I was so sorry to hear of
your father's passing, Henrietta.

How are you handling it?

Well, to be honest, I've been
sitting in my room alone and...

Well, the reason we're here.

Your father has left you his
Los Angeles estate.

I mean, I haven't been
back in like five years so.

There are some papers
here and some personal items.

"Dear Henrietta,
I am dead.

My house in
California is yours to live in.

You must successfully see to my
company's legacy.

If you failed at doing so with
the Norton Phillips Company,

my whole life will have been
meaningless.

This is what you
were born to do.

Hopefully by the time you are
reading this,

that comedy hobby of yours will
be a thing of the past

and you will see it for what it
should have been all along, a hobby.

I want you to know there are
ways to improve on who you are.

You want to improve, right?"

What is up,
LA? How are we all doing?

We are so excited to see all the
fresh talent in the house tonight.

I hope we're all having a great time
and everybody is loving Best Comic US .

Now let's all give a big
warm welcome to our next comic.

Hello, everyone.

My name's Henrietta, or Henri, for when
my father reminds me he wanted a boy.

I'm here because I can't afford therapy right now.

Is anyone else here because of
that?

Yes, sir.

And are you here because you have a
family that you can't get away from?

Well, I thought moving five thousand
miles would get me away from mine.

I never had a stable home.

I grew up between London and LA.
I seriously have nowhere left to hide.

Oh my God.

My parents always told me
the reason they chose practical careers

and worked so hard their entire life
was so that I could follow my dreams.

Then they very happily told me that
my dream was to work their business.

That's kind of like the waiter
at the restaurant telling you

"You can order anything as long
as it's the pancake."

Guys that have no interest in
dating you.

It's gonna be like
you just matched with Brian.

He is hot, unemployed,
and still in love with his ex.

A destructive way to search for
the love you never got at home.

It's so good
to see you guys.

- I know.
- It really is.

This is the best.
It feels like college.

Oh, Henri,

you're like a serial killer who kept
all of her victims' phone numbers.

Wait, wait, wait, oh my gosh,
listen to this.

"Dear Henri, you looked so cute
wearing my hat you stole.

By the way, when can I get my
hat back? Hunter Ellis."

Yeah.

Hunter Ellis.

- You loved him.
- Yeah, you certainly...

Guys, like, we hooked up a couple of times.
It's no big deal.

If I ever married Hunter
Ellis, what would be better?

Like, if I... if I was like, "Oh,
I threw your hat away,"

or "Here it is. I kept it after
all these years."

- And threw it away.
- Yeah, definitely.

You throw away the hat.
Hey, what were you getting up to in London?

Loads of stuff like, you know,
replying to emails,

cleaning out my spam folder,

like, yeah, spam folders
takes ages.

Wait, wait, hang on. What about stand-up?
You were doing stand-up.

Yeah, didn't... you won that huge competition
right before you left. That was a super...

Big deal. Are
you still doing it?

Yeah, no, it wasn't such a big
deal, you know, it's like...

it was... I mean I've definitely
done stand-up since then

and I mean,
it was like... it was something...

hey, I wonder... wait,
does pot get better with age?

I'm just gonna go check my...
my stash

'cause I think it's like somewhere
in one of those... those souvenirs.

Does pot get
better with age?

She's definitely not
doing stand-up, right?

- No.
- I do actually hope she has pot.

Nolan!

- What are you doing here?
- What are you doing here? I live here.

Nolan is here?

The one I went to college
with. Perfect. Hi, guys. Hello.

What are you doing here?
Because this is...

Was my Dad's house.

Yeah, I know. I've been renting a room from him
and redoing... redoing the deck out front.

For how long?

Not long. Not long. Four... four,
five... four, five years.

Nolan, why don't you come join us. There's
obviously so much we have to catch up on.

- Yeah, come on.
- Probably not that much.

Okay, yeah. I mean,

unless you guys just invited me
'cause you feel obligated, like,

I don't... I don't need to party, I can
just like hang in my room on my computer.

So I should...

It'll only take me like a couple
of seconds to get dressed...

- No. No, no, you're fine.
- And I can just get...

Alright.

Weird.

- Yeah. Hit me.
- Kind of...

Well, I hate to be that person, but I have a
5:00 AM yogalates class in the morning, so.

- No.
- Yeah, I can't believe I'm up this late, I have a deposition.

Why?
Seriously, stay longer.

No, no, they're right.

This is like the longest I've
ever left Glen alone with the baby

and I'm afraid he's gonna like
microwave the formula or something.

Hey, that's like a good
thing though, right? He's...

No, sweetie,
no. It's not okay.

Nolan,
kisses and hugs.

Nolan, it's
been real. Love you.

- See you later guys.
- Love you.

- So much more wine, love.
- Yeah.

You guys adults yet?

No.

And this is the closet.

Oh really? I
thought it was the pool.

So weird. Dad's clothes.

They smell just like him.

Those are mine actually.

This is bigger than
my entire apartment.

Alice, how's the high-powered Hollywood
talent agent lifestyle treating you?

Oh, it's good. It's good.

- What do you do?
- She was a TAA.

- Oh, cool.
- She's an aspiring agent.

She's absolutely awesome at it.
And she knows everybody in town.

- I don't know everybody.
- Oh my God, you could hook me up with a gig, right Alice?

Oh, I... I didn't even... I didn't
even know you still want to do that.

Yeah, of course, I do.

Oh. But why'd you leave right
after you won the competition?

I didn't win,
I got third place.

- Oh.
- But I'm gonna start back where I left off.

But you know it's not that easy,
right?

You have to like, you know,
get your tapes with new sets and...

I was gonna
do that anyway.

Sorry.

Hello.

I'll take this. One second.

Hey, was that
little weird to you?

What do you mean?

I just think she's a bit weird
about showing people my stuff.

You know, I'm sure it's just
like complicated

to show your friend to people in
the industry.

- Hmm.
- Yeah.

You should
wear clothes now.

Hey.

Hey, where are you?

I have a vegan lasagna with your
name on it. Literally.

I spelled your name out in spaghetti
sauce, it is illegible but still edible.

Is it fun to see your old
college friends?

It's like is anybody really
weird or fat now? I don't know.

Okay, never mind.
So, you wanna come over?

Uh, actually I think I'm just gonna stay
on the couch here, I've had some wine.

Yeah, roger that. I will just freeze
that lasagna for another time. Have fun.

Thanks, babe.

Love you.

Love you, too.

And lower.

- Five.
- Pressing the heels together.

- Is that Ava?
- Yeah.

Cool. Everything okay?

Yeah, everything
is great. It is good.

Awesome.

But I do have to go.

- Oh, no.
- I know. I'm so happy you're back.

Yeah. So good to see you.

Do you ever feel like there's
something wrong with you?

What do you mean?

There's something about me.

If you found out, I'm afraid you
wouldn't love me anymore.

Russ, there is nothing that
you can ever tell me about yourself...

Who's that?

That's my girlfriend.

- See that?
- Ah.

She's a little
young for you.

No, that's a... that's...
the consenting adult is my girlfriend.

- Oh.
- That's her daughter.

- Oh, cool.
- Yeah.

- Cute.
- Thank you.

So, you're
like a dad kind of?

No, no, no dad,
just dating a mom.

- Cool.
- Yeah.

There's something.

Well, you've always
had the wardrobe for it.

...that I just
can't leave behind.

Oh, well bushed. I'm gonna go
to sleep. Are you going to bed?

Um, no,
jet lag anyway, so.

- Okay. Well, it's good... it's good seeing you. There you go.
- Good to see you again.

- Alright. Good night.
- Night.

I focus on the future.

I have to go.

Now?

It's the
middle of the school day.

I said I have to
go. Don't you get it?

Hey. Yeah, I was wondering if
you still wanted your hat back.

You look like that
movie star Claudette Colbert.

Thanks.

I don't... I
don't know who that is. Sorry.

She's Clark
Gable's girlfriend.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

I know Clark Gable.

Good.

- I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I... I... I can't do this and...
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.

I'm, uh, I don't know
what I am doing here and...

- I'd like to get to know you.
- I'm not a prostitute.

- I'm not a prostitute.
- I never said you're a prostitute.

That's why
I went to that site.

I thought this was like
thinly veiled prostitution.

Oh,
so you're a prostitute?

No, I'm not a...

Oh my God, oh my God, yeah, yeah. I can see how
that looks like, I... I'm not. I'm just...

It was a stupid idea, I know, to go on
the Internet looking for companionship.

But I'm sorry... I've never done
this before.

- Oh really?
- No way.

- So, you don't know what's going on either?
- No.

But, you know, I'm looking
for some companionship.

I... I have... I was married for a
long time.

- Yeah?
- And I have a lot of stress in my job

and I just don't know how to go
about meeting someone anymore.

I have something to
give, I think.

- Sure.
- I like to share it with...

with someone who...

Was beautiful
and intellectual, you know,

someone like you.

Thank you.

How do you
feel, LA Sugar 26?

Oh my God. Well,
embarrassed, first of all.

How about some wine?
Room service, good conversation.

Can we order
mashed potatoes?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

It's great to see
you. You look good.

Thanks.

Let me do that.

- I've got it.
- Oh, it's okay.

It just bugs me when
people pour beer the wrong way.

You have to do it perfectly,
that way you get one inch of foam.

I really like foam.

That's not how
beer is supposed to be.

It's how my beer
is supposed to be.

It's not though.

I'm sorry.

I didn't realize
I've been doing that wrong.

It's okay. That's
what I'm here for.

Wow.

It's so clean in here.

We're not trying to mess up or
anything.

- No, of course.
- You know.

So...

Yeah.

I like your place a lot.

I like you in my place.

- Uh-huh.
- It is great to see you.

It's so good
to see you, too.

One second.

It'll wrinkle.

If next time you could just like
throw it on the chair.

Where were we?

If you could just take
your shoes off really quick?

- Take my shoes off?
- Yeah.

- Oh, you like my shoes off?
- I do.

- You prefer them off?
- Yes.

- How is that?
- So much better.

- Is it really?
- Oh my God, it's something really.

- Get to that toaster.
- Can I just...

- Yeah.
- Thanks.

Thanks for driving.

So how did you just forget to
drive on which side of the road?

And how does that just like
leave your mind?

I mean, I'm just a bit nervous.

It's been a while and I can't be
late for the board.

You gotta say your speech?

No. I mean I've been a board member of the
Norton Phillips Company for four years now, so.

Mm.

Yeah, but like how many times have
you actually had to do anything?

I'm looking forward to this.

Why?

Because I work there.

Oh my God.
I'm your boss now?

No, you're not.

And my first
thought's gonna be to fire you.

- What?
- Yeah. Yeah, one more word... shh,

one more word and you're
fired.

- You're... You're fired.
- You're fired. You're fired.

- You're... you're fired.
- You're fired.

Shh.

Don't say it. Shh.

Stepping in for her late father and
our CEO who we miss greatly here in LA

with a degree in marketing...

Alumni of LMU here in
LA, Henrietta Norton Phillips.

Um, is this thing on?

Hello, hello. Hi.

Hello, everybody.

You, casual Friday,
where are you here from?

I'm Spencer
from Human Resources.

Since when were humans,
just a resource, right?

I mean, what are we, oil?

This has been a tough year
for Norton Phillips, guys.

You need to know that you can be
better than what you are now.

I mean, we all miss my father,
right?

All I can do is claim my own
fresh start.

And that is exactly
what we're gonna do here

at Norton Phillips,
at the New Year.

We are gonna start afresh.

Here's to Norton Phillips!

Bring in the champagne. Who
wants some? Yes.

Henrietta,

you coming
in here was just a formality.

Yeah, but according to my
father's will,

I'm executive vice president
member of the board, so.

My daughter is vice president of
her seventh-grade class.

Some titles just don't require
real responsibility.

That's lunch, everyone.

As a former seventh-grade class vice
president, I'm offended by that.

To Mr. Norton Phillips.

- To Ed.
- To Dad.

Oh my God,
how did it get so late?

Champagne can do that.

Oh God.

Oh my God, Terrance, what's
wrong? That was supposed to be uplifting.

No, no, no,
it's not you.

It was uplifting,
it was really nice.

It's just...

I'm an alcoholic and I've been
sober for six weeks today.

- Oh God, no.
- Yeah.

- No.
- It's not... it's fine, it's fine.

- No.
- Listen, I'm just grieving, I miss your dad so much.

He was so nice and caring.

And he's the only one who
donated to my Kickstarter.

And I shared it.

Did you donate?

I make these little wooden
animal figurines and,

you know,
nobody really likes them but...

- What?
- He really did.

Oh my God, what? Why did he support
your weird hobby and not mine? Why?

I'm sure he supported you in his
own way.

I'm sure he loved you. You're very funny, yeah.

Yeah.

This is stupid anyway.
Nobody bought any of them.

- Oh my God...
- Will you buy some?

I'm gonna buy a
ton. I'm gonna buy a ton.

You're gonna buy
a ton? Oh my God.

It turns out we're good.

Do you guys wanna
come over and have dinner?

- Right now?
- Yeah, right now.

- No, I think...
- I don't think that's like... he'll probably get you there.

- Hey, it's for him.
- You're my best friend.

- This is him. This is our guy.
- Here it is.

You know this guy? I'll
take you home. You guys coming with me?

Not tonight.
Maybe another night.

Hang out
another night, yeah.

- Maybe another night.
- Thanks for the fun times.

Yeah. Bye,
Terrance.

Feel better.
Get some sleep.

Get some carving
done, man. Get that carving in.

Who are you?

Wanna do some more?

I have to get back.

- Oh, really?
- I'm sorry. Yeah, I do.

Really? There's pubs to the left
and to the right down the street,

there's a terrible live
music bar.

- It's so fun though. Come on.
- Oh, does that sound great? That sounds so good.

Hey, I'll leave and give you that
because there's a little bit left.

I know. I have to
go though. You want to come?

No, you're so boring, man.

- Okay. Well...
- You're a duh.

On that note, are you coming?
Train's leaving. Train's leaving.

I hate the carriage
on the train. See ya.

Alright.

Hey, it's Alice.
Leave a message and I'll call you back.

Hi, this is Hunter Ellis.

Hey, Hunter, it's Henri here.

I am out with friends right now.

- But I might be...
- Man, I tell you, you owe us two tabs and shit.

Might be available later
if you want to get together.

- Shh!
- When the midnight comes, you bitches be crowned

with the
fire brimstone with your tooth.

- Then just give me a call, okay?
- Bitches.

Daddy issues.

What did you say?

You can't have my roof.

No way.

That dickhead!

- See you tonight.
- See you tonight.

- Hey girl.
- Oh God, I didn't mean to call a ride share.

Are you the Henrietta?

- Yeah.
- Hi.

- Follow the Beamer!
- Oh my God! Where do you keep coming from?

Um, excuse me.

Wait,
we gotta follow the Beamer.

No, no, no,
because we got to get to Islands

because Lindsay is going to
marry tomorrow.

Whoo!
We got the married dance.

We... so are
you guys criminals?

No, no, no, it's about
my boyfriend. He's in that.

- It's your boyfriend?
- Not boyfriend.

- He's such a hipster.
- I like you.

Yeah. We met searching for pirate
treasure on St. Edward Island.

- No, no.
- That's so romantic.

None of that is real, guys.

- Listen, Pam.
- It's Pam.

- Pam.
- Pam. We need to follow that Beamer

because the man that is my soul
mate is in there with another woman.

Oh no.

Do you... do you guys think Aiden will do
that to me after we get married tomorrow?

- No.
- No. Why would he? You're so pretty.

- And your bangs are amazing.
- Why would he touch your...

Okay, okay,
can we just drive?

I always wanted to be in a high
speed of car chase, you know.

But seriously though, the secret to
a healthy relationship, Stephanie,

I'm talking to you,
is by compassionate boundaries,

and that's how Heidi and I,
we keep things so put together.

I haven't been doing any of those
things, where I've been going wrong?

- Okay, calm... Did we lose him?
- You guys are beautiful.

They are in his apartment.

What a dick.

Asshole.

Do you think Aiden will bring a
girl back to his apartment

- after we get married tomorrow?
- Maybe.

- He may, I don't know.
- I don't know, Lindsay.

They're leaving...
they're leaving the house.

- Oh my God.
- She's an overnight bag.

Matilda has a boss.

Shh! No, no, no, that means that he was
in the apartment earlier today with her.

I like the lawn ornaments.

- Cover up.
- You can have it.

Rip it!

- Rip it!
- Break it apart.

How long were you
with this asshole anyway?

Like two days,

but it's not really, you know,
like labeled or anything like that.

Wait, what? Oh my God.

Two days?

- I got to get to Islands.
- I feel sad now.

He still hurt me.
I'm still wounded.

- You finally got in.
- Yeah. It's really nice.

Yeah, it's fine. I mean,

I personally want to redo it again but
it's a... it's a Hollywood landmark.

- Really?
- Yeah. Tammy Wynette's manager died right in there.

- What?
- You ever been to Asia?

No, I've actually never left the
US before.

But I've seen
Niagara Falls from a distance,

which is sort of like going to
Canada.

Really?

You should go to Canada. People are...
they're nice, they're beautiful.

- Yeah?
- Yeah. You know what?

- What?
- Plan a trip.

To Canada?

I'd love
to plan a trip to Canada.

No. Plan a trip and I'll
take care of the expenses.

- What?
- Yeah.

Get out of here.

Richard.

The people in
Canada are beautiful.

That's, yeah, I mean, Richard, you might
be the most positive person I've ever met.

Oh, yeah. That's
'cause I work out a lot.

Oh, nice.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

- You want some?
- Oh, no, no.

- Sure?
- I'm good. Yeah.

- But here, watch me do a handstand.
- Yeah.

Okay, that was a
terrible handstand.

Richard. Richard. Richard.

Jesus.

Yeah, yeah,
he's breathing, he's breathing.

And what is your address?

Um, I don't know the address but it's
the corner of Doheny and Wilshire.

Okay. And who is he?

His name's Richard.

Richard who?

Richard...

Richard... I don't know what his last name
is. It's a Richard some... so please hurry.

We are
sending someone now.

Okay, thanks.

They tell me you're gonna be
fine.

Thank you for this. Thanks.

No way.

Thank you, sugar daddy.

I just don't get why you... you won't
let me meet her. Like, kids love me.

I'm glad that
you wanna meet her.

Well, then
let me meet her.

Just not quite yet.

She's four,

and I don't want to introduce
her to a guy unless it's serious.

Are we not serious?

You tell me.

Nolan!

- I crashed a bachelorette party! Boom!
- Whoo!

Hey. Hi.

Hi.

You must be Henrietta.

Yes, I must be, mustn't I?

Nice to meet
you. I'm Grace.

Oh.

Yes.

Is she okay?

Yeah, yeah, she's... she's great.

She is going to let you two date
each other into the night.

Bon voyage.

What's wrong with her?

Something weird? I
didn't notice anything.

"If you failed at doing so
with the Norton Phillips Company,

my whole life will have been
meaningless.

This is what you were born to
do. And this is why I'm..."

Assume you're
good to drive home?

Yeah, for sure.

Unless you
want to come with and drive me.

I mean, what, you had like two glasses
of wine, right? You should be good.

No, I mean,

unless you want to drive me and
come over to my place.

Violet is at my mom's.

Oh, um.

Yeah.

I don't...

Maybe not tonight.

Can... can we rain check?

- Okay.
- I'm sorry, I know this is...

No, it's... it's
cool. Goodnight.

Grace, I'm sorry. I'm... I'm... I'm
being a huge idiot right now, I'm sorry.

Of course,
I want to come over.

No,
you rain-checked, it's fine.

But...

I'll see you later.

- Hey.
- Hey.

I like the addition
to the ping-pong table.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

- Yeah, alright.
- It's about you.

Yeah. You know,
I'm kind of a jock.

I'm really good at
ping-pong.

Boom.

Can't sleep.

Yeah, me neither.
Grace is mad at me.

Well, I destroyed a bunch
of pink balloon flamingoes.

What? Why?

Seemed like a
good idea at the time.

Okay, alright.

Wanna play
with your balls?

Alright. Loser serves.

Hey.

That's you, right?

- No, you've the ball, just serve it.
- Okay.

Okay.

Loser.

Alright.

That was so in.

- What?
- It was your fault.

Do you even want to...
there you go.

That's what happens when you
just don't know how to play.

Oh my God,
stop attacking me.

I'm not attacking you, I'm trying to
show you how to... oh, hit your face!

I'm sorry, I should stop.

- I should just stop.
- You're not playing, are you?

What... what are you doing?

It's so aggressive!

Wow.

Do you know what to
do if there's an earthquake?

Oh, yeah, I have a kit.

What's in your kit?

It's got a bottle of water,

some rope,

a Taser gun,

a pair of socks.

That's it?

- Yeah.
- You're screwed. You're so screwed.

What?

You're stuck in a serial.

At least I have a kit.

Yep, touché.

So why are you
here at 2:00 AM?

'Cause I wanted to drink beer with my best
friend on the roof and 'cause you're a pack.

Oh, yeah, I'm glad you did.

Yeah.

Don't leave again.

Okay.

I missed you.

- I always miss you.
- Yeah.

It's nice to be here.

How's Ava?

Ava is good.

- Yeah?
- Yeah. I'm... I'm a little bored.

Really?

We've been together for,
you know, a while now

and, I don't know, I think I
just... maybe it's not her.

I just need something new to
happen, a change or something.

Hmm. Yeah.

Try killing your dad.

Mine's death really shook things
up for me.

- Henri.
- Is that... is that really dark?

Oh,
it's certainly dark, isn't it?

Well, if it makes you feel any
better, my dad don't...

like he doesn't even talk to me,
so it's probably not that different.

Yeah, I guess.

But at least you
can still talk to yours.

I can't exactly call mine up on
the phone.

You should.

Yeah.

It's Henrietta
Norton Phillips here.

Yeah, I used to perform at your
club quite a lot.

I'm looking for...
for some time.

I used to know Cathy,
I think.

Not the pretty one,
the other one.

Hi, it's Henrietta Norton
Phillips here.

I was told to call back Friday,
I did.

I was told to call back
Sunday, I did.

And I don't want to sound
needy or anything.

I'm totally available.

I really want to get a gig,
so please give me a call back.

Oh, hello there.

My friend who's an agent at your company sent
them my tape and I just wanted to know what...

well,
what happened with it really.

Alice Goodman?

Hello.

Hello.

It's a nice residential area.
There's mostly families here.

Nice.

There's a yoga
studio down there.

- Oh, that's cool.
- Wow.

If you'd like to.

Oh, and the playground
part is perfect. Right?

Oh, you have kids?

No. I... I love swings.

She has a daughter, baby child.

Well, I'm gonna... I'll file your
paperwork and we'll get back to you.

Sounds great.

Thank you.

- Thank you so much.
- Thank you. Enjoy your day.

So, this is it, isn't it?

- The location is great. It was just renovated.
- Yeah.

And you're like five minutes from me.
It's like kind of perfect.

Yeah.

I don't know how I feel about the
crown molding in the living room.

Seriously?

Yeah.

Who cares about
the crown molding?

I do. I design houses.

Then redesign
the crown molding.

Yeah, it was like the closets
were strangely shaped, too.

That's another thing I'll
have to get over.

I give up, Nolan.

What?

Why won't you move out
of the Norton Phillips place?

I'm trying to. I just
haven't found the right place.

Yeah, you've been saying that
for months.

This is the right place.

And there were others that were
really great, too, and you just...

They weren't great.
None of them were great.

What was wrong
with the one in Echo Park?

The yard is
extremely asymmetrical.

I just don't get what all this
is about.

What is this about?

I don't know.

You're living in your dead boss' old house
pretending that you're gonna renovate the deck.

- I'm gonna renovate the deck.
- Whatever.

Do you understand how unstable
this all makes you sound?

More stable than the deck is.

Which is why I really need to
renovate it.

You're kind of
being a man-child.

That's fair.

So, I had a really great time.
So glad you're on Tinder.

Henri.

Are you okay?

Yeah, yeah,
I'll be right over.

I just dropping off some files
at my office.

Okay.

Did you just lie to somebody on
the phone about having an office?

That I just picked you up
from a bar on a Tuesday morning?

Bitch!

Alice, is that you?

Henri. Hey. Are
you okay? You hurt?

I think that I
ruined it with Hunter.

Good. That guy's an asshole.

Is that it?
This is all about a guy?

I haven't been
funny since he died.

Henri.

Hey, you're always funny.

No, I don't feel very funny.

I haven't written anything.

Okay, okay, well,
you just need to...

to just write new things and...
and... and get back on stage.

Hey, it'll be fine, okay?

I'm actually thinking
of starting an app for girls like me

that matches you up with guys
that have no interest in dating.

- Hey.
- Hey. This box right here, it has your name on it.

Yes, it does. What is that?

Oh wow, I got you, yeah.

What have we got in here?

I don't know.

- Whoa! Looks like your dad gave me some hand-me-downs.
- Oh my God.

What is this?

No, I always told
him I wanted his jacket!

Well, actually it looks
really... that works for you.

- Oh yeah?
- Yeah, very Houdini.

Houdini.

Oh.

- It's a perfect fit?
- No.

Not my style,
you think? No? Alright.

Oh, yeah, here we go.

Hey, you are like the guy in the
movies,

you know the one that, like, didn't know
he was hot until he took his glasses off.

I don't wear glasses.

- Henrietta. Hi.
- Hi.

- Hey, Hunter.
- What's your name?

I'm Nolan. We went...
we went to college together.

You wore the light
up shoes, didn't you?

- Yep.
- Hmm.

I just stopped by to see if you
happened to come to my house last night

and, I don't know, destroy my lawn
flamingoes and puke in my bushes.

While you're out
with some other girl.

What?

I mean, I'm sorry, I really
didn't mean to cause trouble,

but I saw you out and
you were with another girl.

And you followed me home?

Are you fucking insane? What's
wrong with you?

Alright, I
think that's enough.

No, we went on one
date. You have serious issues.

Alright, she gets that
you're mad. Can you just go?

Um...

I like him.

I think I'm in
love with him.

Okay.

Look, I actually just came over to
tell you that I found an apartment.

Oh, cool.

- Yeah. So, I'm gonna be moving out.
- Cool. Um...

Um...

Is it... is it nice?

Yeah. No, it's great. It's... it's got
like most amazing crown molding, so.

Awesome.

I love crown molding.

Uh-huh. Hi, Sam.

Oh, no, I didn't mean to... oh,
you're married.

You're married now?

Okay, yeah, just call me back,
okay.

Hello?

It's Henri Norton
Phillips from college here.

It's so great to hear your
voice.

Oh.

Hello?

You like living in Nebraska?

How are you doing?

It's Henrietta.

Wait, you're a woman now?

Wait,
were you always a woman?

Hey, it's Henri. Are you in
LA?

Oh, I'll always be in LA.

And LA will always be in me.

How did we
first meet again?

I was trying to get with your roommate
freshman year, and she wasn't home.

Oh, yeah. But I
was home, right?

I saw your show on the CW. You
know the one with the monsters.

Mutants.

Yeah, Mutant High,
quarterback Russ Denton.

Poor kid has to traverse the
hard road of high school sports

while also being a mutant.

Wow.

I just now remember why we never
dated seriously.

It was because you were still in
love with your ex.

You were like obsessed with
her. Oh my God.

What? That's not true.

Yeah,
you wouldn't shut up about her.

Okay, if I recall,
you got obsessive.

I always wish we'd
talked more after our affair.

Oh, would you call hooking up after the college
production of The King and I an affair?

There's just something about you
that's always intrigued me, Henrietta.

"Henrietta, your thesis about
Cronus, God of time,

was somehow funny and
light-hearted.

You didn't seem to grasp the
goal of the assignment. C-minus."

Wasn't Cronus like the Greek God
who ate his own children?

He's a fairly dark...

Don't know. I didn't really get
to read that part of the book.

Brianna used to like books.

Dude, everyone likes books.

And the acting.
My emotional recall is...

Yeah.

You know, she'd go to a bookstore
or a library, and she...

she'd pick out a book.

- Yeah.
- And she... she'd take it home, you know, and she'd read it.

You sound like you're really
meant to be together.

She sounds
perfect for you.

- Oh my God.
- Yeah.

Just wait. When you least expect
it, that's when I'll be acting.

You don't have to do that.

I can become what a person needs
and wants the most,

anytime.

How are you feeling?

Well,

to be honest, I've been better.

I'm so sorry to hear that.

Tell me everything.

Putting everyone in
danger, hiding who you are.

Funny story about... about this...
this actor in the scene with me.

You're different.

- No training at all.
- Okay, I'm a mutant.

And I'm embarrassing, right.
It shows, you can tell. You can tell.

Sienna, wait.

Just like, I mean,
amateur hour on my show, nope.

Oh, yeah, what's up bro?

Yeah. My bad, guys.

- Never mind me.
- You've seen...

I'm not here.

Oh God, I'm
pretty tired actually.

Now, we have to duel.

- Can we rewind it? Where's the...
- About time.

Dude, we saw it...
we already saw it once.

No, I'd like to rewind it
though 'cause of that guy.

Hang on a second.

Hi. Hi.

You're welcome.

Yeah, no, I know.
That's what I've been saying.

You know, obviously,
he doesn't deserve you.

Look, you met him on a train in
India, just, look... I got to go.

- Hi, Ms. Norton Phillips.
- Hi.

- How are you doing?
- I'm good. Yeah, I've come to pick up some paperwork.

Right. Here it is.

Yeah, and whilst I'm here, I... I'm just gonna
go ahead and resign from the board, yeah.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

- My God.
- Yeah.

That's too
bad. Are you sure?

Yeah.

- Okay.
- You know I'm not cut out for it.

I don't have the right
degree for it.

So, that's like, that's the reason,
and it's about time I move back to London.

So, that's like there's
a reason, so.

Okay. Great.

Okay. Well,
we'll miss you in LA.

Thanks. I'm basically.

Okay. Good.

Henri Norton Phillips.

Terrance. Oh my God.

- How are you?
- You look amazing.

- Well, thank you. Come here.
- Yeah.

- Let's chat.
- Okay.

Come here.

Hi, sorry. Anyway, is the
sex really good or something?

Hey, I'm sorry, Terrance, for my weird
presentation and giving you alcohol.

It's just coffee.

I drank again,
Henri, you know.

Part of being sober is putting
yourself in tempting situations

and being stronger
than the urge to drink,

you know,
and I wasn't.

And that's my fault.

But I didn't go home and go on
some epic bender, okay?

I went back and I thought
about my life

and I thought
about the company

and I realized that it was
because of your presentation.

Watching you stand
in front of those people

and just talk all that nonsense

and like rambling craziness
you were doing,

it was inspirational.

It... it made me realize that I
do want to have a better year.

Wow.

And it was fun, you know.

- And I think fun is necessary sometimes.
- Yeah. Thank you. Wow.

Henri, I don't think
you should quit just yet.

Really?

I think that you have a future
here.

I don't know what it is,
but I think you can do some good here.

Thank you, Terrance.

I also think it might help if you
applied the old-fashioned way.

I know how to do that.
I mean, I want to do that.

Great. Well, then do it and come
back and see me when you're done.

But, you know,
I am carving wooden lizards now,

so if you're interested, I can
get you the info. I know a guy.

Um, can I...

- Yeah, absolutely.
- Yeah.

That makes sense. Look forward
to the resume.

Don't bring up the lizards, Terrance.
Don't bring up the lizards, Terrance.

Please, no pictures.

I wasn't...

Just trying to be a
normal person here, dude.

Hey, look,

no one
was taking a picture.

It's not that, Henrietta.

It's... look, I'm sorry,
it's just that the limelight,

it makes it just so hard to go
on a date with a beautiful woman.

You... you are.

Okay, cool.

Scoot, scoot, scoot.

Here's our scoot.

But I'd like to work with
you on some on-camera stuff first.

Alice?

Jamison Lovett, repped by
BK and Talent.

Why you driving scoot?

I don't want to talk about it.

What kind of music do you like?
You want some water or hard candies?

Hey, look...

What are you doing? No.

So,
what happened to... to TAA?

Well, I still wasn't making
enough money

to pay my student loans or
my other bills

and there was so
much pressure for everyone like,

"Yeah, way to go, you did it.
Congrats, Alice."

I was like congrats on what?

I was a glorified intern and,
honestly, I was just really...

I was really bored.

So, I figured out I can make
more money elsewhere and I quit.

But Ava does not know.

She does not know that I'm
sneaking around at night

providing

rides for money.

I mean, it's not like you're cheating on her or anything.

What if, hypothetically,
I... I was dating other people,

I wasn't sleeping with them and... and...
and I'm not attracted to them at all,

but there is an emotional... an
emotional connection,

would that
be considered cheating?

Why would anyone do that?
What are you talking about?

- Okay, I don't know.
- Why would anybody do that?

No, I don't think so
because...

you sleeping with them
if you wanted to,

you just need to be less in to
them than they are to you, so.

- Who...
- What are you talking about?

- What are you talking about?
- I don't know.

I don't want to talk about this
anymore.

- Can we just change the subject?
- It's just my opinion.

Okay, look, I'm sorry that I was so obnoxious
and insistent about the agent thing.

No, I'm sorry.

I should have been honest,

and you know I would have helped you in any way
that I could if I was still working there.

Oh, I love you, Alice.

Love you, too. I'm sorry.

Oh my God, so bored.

- It's okay.
- Can we... can we go? Could we get going?

Can you kick him out?

This is your stop,
dude. You're gonna have that...

- Three of us maybe hang out?
- No.

- You want me to go?
- Yes, please.

- Adios.
- I...

- I've known him since college.
- Since... oh my God.

- And can you give this to your... to your agents at TA...
- Your headshot?

I'm gonna tear it up.
Let's throw that shit out of the window.

No.

Nolan!

I'm applying for a job at
the Norton Phillips Company.

I'd say my chances
are pretty high

being the whole daughter of
the dead founder and all that.

But I'm applying the
old-fashioned way.

"I think you sometimes look too far
away for what is right in front of you."

- Henri.
- Whoa.

- Are you okay? Sorry.
- Hunter!

Here. Hey.

Yeah, yeah,
I'm fine, I'm fine.

You look upset.

Yeah, yeah,
actually I'm... I'm not.

We never said we were exclusive.

Henri, look, I think you could
be a great person potentially.

Thanks.

I really mean that. I
think you could be awesome.

I appreciate that.

You just have all
these quirks and things.

Is that a bad thing?

No, no, no, no, not at all,

not if you realize there are
ways to improve on who you are.

Hey, you want to improve, right?

"You want to
improve, right?"

Let's get
dinner tomorrow night.

Really?

Yeah?

Yeah. It'd be great.

I'll call you.

Thanks for coming in,
Henrietta.

First off, I want to emphasize
that we found your application

to be well written, very smart,
and extremely creative,

which is all very important to
us.

So, we would love to offer you a
position here.

Unfortunately, the competition
for this job was very high

and we did have to go
with someone else.

I'm so sorry.

Our hiring is actually based on
an application process

that was put in place by your father
himself and we do keep to that.

You're just not as qualified on
paper as we needed you to be.

You can still keep your position
on the board

where you don't even have to do
anything, best of both worlds.

Internet service is a lot like
my father.

It doesn't do what it
promises and then dies.

I guess

the thing about having an
emotionally unavailable father

is that you can't really call
him an absent father

because it's not like he hasn't
done anything for you,

I mean he's put a roof over your
head, he's sent you to school,

but he's not really there.

But when it really comes to it,

there's this coolness, like,

this... this... this kind of
distance.

He just never really
learned how to express himself.

And you're kind of like,
"Hey dad, I'm here."

And even if he did care,

he'd just never show up.

Even if he were still around,

this has clouded every
relationship in my life.

What?

Well, that was interesting.

Let's welcome to the stage our
next comic.

Hey, guys.

So, does anyone else just like
hate waiting in lines, right?

No, but seriously like I'm actually really worried

because of this
avocado shortage.

I mean, I don't even know if I
can even function without them.

I can't even.

- I'm a lesbian.
- So, what's up? What?

I'm a lesbian. I'm
not interested in men.

Why am I always
falling in love with lesbians?

What?

So, you want to watch that marathon with
that flying wizard boy from Dusseldorf?

Wait, wait,
wait, you're not mad?

Why would I be mad?

I don't... I don't know, I just...
I guess I assumed you'd be mad.

I told you I've made a lot of
mistakes in my life.

But I'm
done trying to force people

to be something that they're not
just to fit my needs.

I'm not gonna do that.

But if you don't start it now,

we're gonna miss the Prisoner of
Aquazar,

Aquaman, Aqua...

It's Azkaban.

Oh, it is.

Jeez.

So, it's really funny though.

And the guys' dorm room always
smelled so gross.

No, that was your dorm room that
smelled so bad.

Oh, man,
college, you were disgusting.

Oh, it's a really good song. Can you turn it up?

Yeah. Hey, sing,
I know you know that.

Oh no, I'm
not a good singer.

Seriously?

I just find it very
disrespectful to the musician

when people who can't keep a
tune sing over the artist's work.

Hey, the
musician isn't here.

♪ Tell me about tonight ♪

It also just ruins
the listening experience.

Wait, Henri.

Nolan.

Nolan, I know it's you,
I know you're in there.

Nolan, why are you showering in
my place?

I didn't think
you were home.

That really explains nothing.

Was there no hot water at your
place?

Yep.

Yeah, there's no hot water.

I can tell
you're lying.

Is it because of me?

Are you kidding?

You think I have nothing better to do
than just like hanging out and shower?

Then explain to me why
you're showering in my place.

I couldn't do it.

I couldn't move into that
apartment.

It didn't feel right
and I just...

I couldn't leave
this place yet.

Why not?

Your dad was important to me.

Like he was a big part of my life
all through college and, like,

and any success I had like I
really owe it to him.

And I feel like leaving this
house kind of,

I don't know,
made me feel like

that was gone.
I don't know. It's...

Yeah.

Well, I know
he really cared about you.

Look, saying this might not
matter right now,

but proving yourself to him was
the wrong goal.

I mean, who cares what your dad
or your boyfriend or me

or some old man at a comedy TV
show thinks about you.

Just think about what you
want.

Stay as long as
you want in the house.

Is there any toilet
paper out there?

Henri?

Some tea?

No, I'm more of a coffee
guy actually.

Want a Pop-Tart?

I've had a really bad week,
guys.

I didn't get hired at a
company that I own.

I mean seriously, how unqualified do you have to be

to like not get hired at a
place that you own?

I mean, it's basically like owning a house

and the pool guy and the maids
are like,

"I'm sorry, I don't think you
can live here anymore."

Seriously.

And technically, I could have told
her, "Do you know who I am?"

But, of course, she knows who I
am, right, a spoiled little shit.

Dad, it's Alice.

Alice. Hi. Is
everything okay?

Yeah, no,
everything's fine.

Do you want me
to put your mom on?

No, no, I was actually... I was
calling to talk to you.

Yeah, the... the car's... the
car's fine.

I was just, you know,
hoping you and I could talk

and catch up about some things.

Maybe, not right
now, Alice, another time.

Yeah, yeah,
another time.

Okay.

Bye.

I've never
gone hiking with you.

Henri.

- Hey, what's up?
- Thank God.

- What are you guys doing?
- Just eating my post-breakup feelings. How was your day?

Oh, you guys broke up?

Yeah, no, I just... I just wanted more time,
you know, devote to the deck renovating.

Yeah, when is
that gonna be finished?

I don't know. Soon.

What are you
guys watching?

Sunsets.

Class is about to start.
See you after sixth period?

Of course.

I think I need to go
back to my home planet.

I mean, we'll miss you but if
you think that's for the best.

I just think I've
done all I can here.

Maybe I
could come and visit.

Probably be really
busy with other stuff.

Later.

This is nice.

Yeah.

I don't remember this many
ants when I came here with dad.

No, yeah, people usually
don't remember stuff like ants.

Does that mean when we look back we're
not gonna remember the ants either?

Pretty sure all I'm
gonna remember is the ants.

I have to tell
you something.

Yeah?

There are literally ants
in my underwear right now.

Oh my God,
this is horrible.

Yeah, no, it is awful. Can we,
please. Let's just go. Let's go.

I've also started
seeing someone,

I mean like a real person,
not a stick pic.

So, I'm astounded at
how much free time I have

now that I'm not chasing the
approval of different men.

I'm actually
chasing my own approval.

Thanks so much, guys. You've been wonderful. Cheers. Bye.