Cursed Friends (2022) - full transcript

- Anastasia.

Anastasia, if you can hear me,

send us a sign.

We have a visitor.

- My hair!

- Um, what the fuck?

- Okay, demon, it's time for...

- Ah!

- Ah!

- Shammy...

Felicem
vesperam sanctam!



You bitches are so fucked.

- We never should've
played that fucking game!

- Oh.
- Oh, watch out!

- Move.

- Don't get your
outfit dirty, Joshy.

We need it to look good
for the fall lip sync.

You guys, look.

Jeremy Fischbein
is so freaking hot.

- That's a sign for fingering.

He totally wants
to shag you, Erica.

- Yeah, baby,
yeah. It's N'SYNC.

Hey, Erica.

Your costume is smoshing.

- Thanks, Fischbein.



You too.

And cool impression.

Anyway, later.
- Yeah, okay, see ya.

- That was the sexiest
fucking thing I've ever seen!

- Oh, wait, let's do
a dance to celebrate.

- Ooh, yeah.
- Six, seven, eight.

- Go Andy, go Andy.

- Yeah.
- Go Andy.

- What's this house
dressed as, a nightmare?

- Big house, big candy.

- I don't know.
It's pretty old...

Too much stone.
- And freaky.

- Who's gonna do it?

- I'll do it, you wimps.

Lame.

I say we peace out
of this biatch...

What's up?

- Chillax, homies.
Welcome to my "crib."

Sorry to say I'm
fresh out of sweets.

- Th-that's okay.

We should probably get
back to my house anyway.

- Yeah.
- No, no, no!

I can't let you leave

empty-handed...

Not a group like this...

So sweet, so innocent,

so close.

I know!

How 'bout a book?

- A book?

Jesus, I wanted Warheads,
not fucking homework.

- Happy Halloween.

Get out.

- Oh, hey, I'll trade.
- Yeah.

- What is this thing anyway?

- "M.A.S.H." by
Stacy Friendship?

- It's an activity book.

What does that weirdo
think, we're eight?

- Hey, I know "M.A.S.H."

It's that
predict-your-future game.

Ooh, it has a poem.

- I wanna read it.

Mansion, apartment,

shack, or house,

predict your job,
predict your spouse.

They key is in what
friendship takes...

- Can you predict
when you're gonna die?

Gel pen me.

- Hey, I'm doing my own.
- Oh, I wanna go first!

- Hey!
- No, stop.

- Okay, I'm gonna live in a
shack with Jeremy Fischbein.

- Mm.
- And have 100 kids.

- I'm gonna live in a mansion.

I'm gonna marry Joey Fatone.

- Oh, you go, girl.
- Oh, Joey.

I'm gonna live in a house.

- So I'm gonna live
in an apartment.

- And I'm going to
become a cult leader!

- I'm gonna be a pro wrestler.
- I will have a pet snake.

- The world record
for the longest nails.

- And I will be a gravedigger.

- Yeah.
- I could see that.

- And finally, I'm
going to die by...

Hey, stop.

You smudged my board.
- Sorry, it's lights out.

- Aw.
- Nighty night, N'SYNC.

- It's okay... I know exactly

what our real futures will be...

BFFs forever. Core
Three for life.

Core Three for life!
Core Three for life!

- Core Three? Learn
how to count, morons.

Core Three for life!
Core Three for life!

Core Three for life!
Core Three for life!

Core Three for life!

- Hmm.

Hi, welcome to Sub Conscious.

Do you want something?
I can make it.

Rrrrramon can make it.

Sorry I rolled the R. I
know you don't like it.

Ugh.

Candace Nicaragua, I simp
for that cake, you bitch!

You don't even sweat!

- Um, yeah, 'cause it's gross.

Yeah, sweating's
for millennials.

Cheugy, sweaty fucks.

- Millennials? Ew!

They,
like, remember

where they were during 9/11.

- Ew.
- That's so gross.

You got it, girl. Low...

- Erica Greenspan!

Hi, Phoebe.

- Look at you, and not on Zoom!

But
still waiting for host

to start meeting.
- Welcome to the best coast.

I'm glad you're sitting down.

I really am, because
are you ready for this?

- I don't know, am I?

Oh, my God, that's my logo.

- Yeah.
- You like it?

Uh, adore.

That's so great!

Um, this is probably very clear,

but I modeled the
logo on the leaf

of the Brazilian
herb you used...

- Really?
- To give your tea

the sensation of cocaine
without the cocaine.

- Well, that is the
Gravi-tea promise.

Cocaine!
- It's weird...

I couldn't find anything
about it online,

so I reached out to a South
American horticulturist and...

Whoa,
okay. That's a lot.

- Oh, wow, I'm going, like...

For a little green drawing?

- Yeah, I guess I'm a nerd.
- Oh, no.

You've got this, like,
rock star mentality

I feel like no
one else here has.

It's honestly exactly why

I fired the entire design
team on a mass email.

- Oh, wow.
- Yeah, and I had to have you

come here IRL.

- In real life.

- Hey, uh, Phoebe.
Uh, just circling back

on my idea to swap out
the ping-pong tables

with an axe-throwing station.

- Oh, my God, I love it.

- Yeah.
- And you know what else

is a great idea, is, like,
you paying the legal bills

for the unpaid intern who
gets his dick chopped off.

Isn't that fun? Do it.

Go, make it happen.

That's my cousin, Lenny.

He ate my grandpa's
cigarettes for years.

He's still actually
on the design team.

Well, I hope that you...
And especially, I hope,

your little Brooklyn
boyfriend...

Love the sunny weather here,
because I'm feelin' it.

- Oh, Ben's here all
the time for work.

He loves it out here
and my family's here

and all my best friends
from growing up.

- Oh, my God, you're still
tight with your old crew?

Ugh, the only way I stay in
touch with my high school squad

is through, like,
stupid memes and shit.

Yeah, that's fucking
dumb as shit...

Yeah.

- You know what?

We're having a Halloween
party here tomorrow,

and I want you there.

The whole Gravi-Team
is gonna be here...

Might be the perfect
opportunity to officially spill

a little tea to the
rest of the floor.

Oh!

- For fuck's sake, Lenny.
- Spooky season, baby!

I swear to God,

if your mom didn't
give us our seed money,

I'd fucking... I'd kill him.

I'd literally kill
him. I have a plan.

Wait, do you know

who Benicio Del Toro is?
- Um, yeah.

I don't.

- Why would you bring
that up if you...

Core Three is in the building!

- Hello!
- Oh, my God!

- It's a unicorn!
- It is!

- Oh, my gosh!
- Please, I was here,

like, two years ago for
Izzy's third birthday party.

- Oh, my God, Izzy's now nine.
- Nine.

- Nine.
- What?

That's impossible.
- Oh, my gosh.

- Yes.
- That makes my baby five.

Oh, sorry.

I didn't carry a
baby to full-term.

Um, my business,

Andy Leonard Fitness... um,
you've probably heard of it.

Cool!

- Uh, yeah, I'm kind of,
like, a brand to the stars.

- Of TikTok.

- Well, I'm doing something
very special, okay?

So don't, like, water it down.
- I'm not watering it.

- No, but don't water it down.
- I'm not watering it down.

- Just say you've heard of it...
- Yeah.

- Just say it's great.
- I don't care about it.

- Stop talking about it.
- Hey, I have a friggin' idea.

You guys wanna get drunk?

- Oh, lemme think about it.
- Let me think...

Um...
- Hmm...

Yeah.

- Ah.
- Whoo!

- Wait, wait, do
you guys remember

Senior Lock-In when it
was that magic show,

and then that one
kid mooned everybody,

and he had a playing card
between his ass cheeks?

- Oh, my gosh, no. He
was the King of Farts.

What's his name? It was Letso.

- Wait, no, no, no.
I know this one.

I gave him a very dry hand job

at that abandoned summer camp.

Camp Wanabangme!

Oh, my God. You guys,
I freakin' miss this.

Okay, and I don't wanna jinx it,

but I think after
that interview,

you're gonna see
a lot more of me.

- Yes, get it, queen.

- Fuck yeah, I knew
you'd crush it.

Literally, I got a
prosperity crystal

from my psychic neighbor.

It cost me, like, 1,000 bucks,

and I gave it a good
rubbin' for you.

Oh, guys, don't look
at me like that.

Shamrock is stupid legit, okay?

Just don't Google his name and
the words "Tempe, Arizona."

- Good choices.
- Oh, come on.

Paul Dudley! Both: What?

- King of Farts was
named Paul Dudley.

Oh, yeah!

- Paul Dudley.

- Oh, my God! My parents
are in Palm Springs.

- Ooh.
- Don't you guys wanna spend

the night at my
house? It'd be so fun!

Slumbay!

I have extra toothbrushes!

- Oh, don't tell me twice.
- Don't tell me once.

- Boy, oh, boy.
- It's mad chilly.

Oh, boy.

- Welcome to my home!
- Oh, boy.

- Jinkies.

- I swear I locked
this before I left.

- Okay, Erica, wait.

The manliest person
go first, okay?

- Okay, go.
- That's you.

- That's you. You
know it's you.

Oh, no, a tiny knife.

Oh, that's the key.
- The key.

- Okay.

Oh.

What do we do?

- Vase... the vase.
- Okay.

- What do we do now?

- Uh...
- Shit.

Okay.

Oh!

- What the hell you
guys doing here?

You scared the shit out of
me, you fucking virgins.

- I literally have a
child. I've been fucked.

- Right.
- I'm in town

for a job interview,

and these guys are
spending the night.

What are you doing here
besides Pornhubbing

where Grandma has
Thanksgiving turkey?

- Kay, first of all, don't
bring up Grandma when I'm hard.

And second of all, Mom
and Dad didn't tell you

I was living here?
- No.

Classic them.

I'm sort of in between
spots at the moment.

- Oh, that sucks. How's
everything else, bad too?

- No, things are pretty great.

Yeah, I'm just crushing the
vibe, drowning in poonani.

Ugh.

And I got a real sick
job in tech, so...

- Tech support. You work
for a cable company.

- It's the number one
most-called I.T. department

in the country, baby!
- That's not a good thing.

Ah.

- Oh, no, we're
scared of the dark.

Erica?

- Josh?

- Erica, go reset
the breaker, please.

- No, thank you. You do it.
- Please do.

What do you think, I'm
just gonna wrap this up

'cause you're in
here? I'm busy.

Oh, my God.

Okay, I'll do it.
You guys go upstairs.

Don't drop anything
else. I'm sobering up.

- Careful.
- Yeah.

- I think someone
broke something?

- Yeah.

- Shoot.

- It's just my mom's rack.

You guys!

Look what I found!
- Oh, my God, M.A.S.H.

I remember we used to play that!

- Okay, oh, my God.

I'm going to be a plumber.

- I live in a shack. I
marry Jeremy Fischbein.

- Ew!
- Ew!

And I have 100 kids... no!

- Oh, my God!
- Way to go, Fischbein!

Loose.

- Me, me. Okay, um,
I drove a Segway.

Okay.

Uh, my job is, uh,
I'm a cult leader.

- I could see it.
- Yeah.

Yeah, I see that.

- And then I married
a Mr. Knight.

Oh, yeah,
I remember him.

He was that creepy
geography teacher

who, like, walked all weird.
He really liked you, Andy.

Gimme, gimme, my
turn.

Okay, I live in a mansion.
I'm a pro wrestler.

Ooh, the world record for
the longest fingernails!

Okay, oh, my word.

I am married to Joey Fatone.

Ow! Ooh, I could
work with that.

- All right, let
me see. Let me see.

- Okay, yeah, sure.
- Okay.

Job... gravedigger.
Pet... snake.

- Okay.
- Death by...

- By what?

- Shit, there's a smudge.

- What do you mean a smudge?
- How the shit am I gonna die?

You die by smudge.

Give me that thing.

Ooh, there's a poem.

Mansion, apartment,
shack, or house,

predict your job,
predict your spouse.

The key is in what
friendship takes.

Read this poem,
unlock your fates.

- Yeah.
- Ooh...

- Stupid!

Shut up.

Happy Hungover Halloween.

Hey, what are you guys
getting into later?

Do you wanna come back here,

hand out candy with
Princess Peach?

- No.
- No.

Candace Nicaragua is going
to this Halloween party,

and she invited me,

and a lot of her influencer
friends are gonna be there,

so she said if I show up,

I could easily get,
like, 10,000 followers.

- I can't even
trick-or-treat with Izzy.

I have to send her out
with Arden and Arden's mom

and the rest of the big
little-eyes fuckers at school.

Get out of here!

- My Metaverse nightclub
is having a troll orgy...

Third annual trollgy...

But I could probably
bot it out or something.

- Why didn't you sleep
in your own room?

It's okay.

When I'm back here,
hopefully for good,

we'll be hanging
out every damn day.

- That's a lot of days.
- Just like old times.

Mm, you silly girl.

You're silly. So silly, girls.

So silly.

- Hi, babe. Why did
you swap our costumes?

I thought
that was you,

not that I hate it.
My nuts are breathing.

- Oh, my God, this
is the first time

in my life I've ever
fucked up packing.

- Uh-oh. Something
must be wrong.

- Wait a second.

What is that behind you?

Is that luggage?

- Babe, you ruined the surprise.

If you land this job, I
cannot miss the celebration.

- Aw, babe!

- Ta-ta-ta-ta...
Don't tell Yoshi.

I don't wanna make
this a whole thing.

- Okay, love you.

- Wow.

Wow. Wow.

- What's good, fit
fam? It's me, Ari.

Just
kidding. It's Andy.

Andy Leonard from
#AndyLeonardMethod.

So okay, I see some of you
are already dipping out.

That's cool. "Thank u, next."

But anyways, it's a
hot-ass Halloween,

so I figured we'd cool down

by answering some
of your questions.

So just take a sec...

No!

No, no, no, no, no!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

I'm still leasing
this, you stupid fuck!

No.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, I'm sorry.

Sorry because I feel bad,
not because I did anything.

Just wanna make sure.

- Graham, I have
reset your password.

Now save it to your keychain

and gargle my balls.

Go ahead and delete
that.

- All right, I'm back,
ya fuckin' racists.

Let's head on down
to Clown Town.

Oh, shit.

Ms. Monroe.

We meet again.

- Sorry, um...

Did I... is this I.T.?

- Uh, yeah. Yeah. Uh, yeah, no.

It's, uh... it's Josh Greenspan.

I'm the one that set
up your work account

a year ago.

Remember?

- I don't. Anyway, my
thing isn't letting me in.

Something about a firew...

What?

Hello? Hello? Haley?

Haley? Ah, you're breaking up!

Haley! All right, hold on.

I got really bad
service in my bedr...

My, uh, my corner office.

- I'll just call someone else.
- No, no, no, no! No, no, no!

I'll save you! I'll save...

- Are you okay?
I heard a noise.

- No, yeah, no, it's...

it's all Gucci here.

So have you tried to...

unplug your device
and plug it back in?

Whew. Windy.

Ramon, you have to charge
for extra zesty sauce.

'Cause...

- It's windy.

- I got this one, Ramon.

Hi.

- I'm Joey.
- Hi, I'm Malala.

Mikayla. Mikayla.

- Well, Mikayla,
nice to meet you.

Cool sexy werewolf costume.

Oh. It's
just... just a werewolf.

- Agree to disagree.

- How's your spicy Italian?

- Meaty. Thick.

- Wet?

- It could be.
- You know what?

I'd like a 12-incher

packed with salami.

- Pack it?
- Yeah, pack it.

- Yeah.
- How tight do you want it?

- Oh, very tight.

I like a lot of mayo.

- Just tell me when to stop.

- Keep going.

- Daddy like.

Actually, tonight
at La Casa Fatone,

it's gonna be a graveyard
smash if you're interested.

- I take that as a "yes"?

- Oh, it's a big old yes.

- Now give it to me.
- Oh, yeah.

I'll give it to you.

- Wanna hear bone-chilling?

One time I saw a
rat eat a pigeon.

I'm gonna be very excited
to move back here.

- Howdy, howdy, everyone.

So I have a pretty
big announcement,

one that has been
a long time coming:

the all-in-one
Theranos blood test.

But in all
seriousness, you guys,

as many as you know,
we have been in search

of a new SVP of Design
for some time now,

and I'm happy to say,
the search is over.

And although we're still
technically waiting

on FDA approval...

Before we completely fucking
disrupt Big Caffeine...

- Whoo.
- The wait is over.

I have the first
cans right here,

complete with art from
our little genius.

So without further ado,

stop hiding behind that mustache

and you come on down
here, Lenny Webber!

What?

- Oh, cuz, I am
beyond flattered.

But unfortunately,
I can't accept,

- What?

- Not!

I accept, I accept.

High five!

I love that.

He's good. You're funny.

Oh, Erica.

Hey, here. Take a can.

It's gonna be so perfect

for all those late
nights freelancing.

It's literally cocaine.

I'm kidding.

Am I? I don't
know. Let's party.

- I'm a boss! Let's party!

- You are not gonna
believe this shit.

- I made a sub for Joey Fatone.

- What?
- Joey Fatone.

Aka Joey Fat One,

aka Superman,

aka the third, arguably second,
most famous member of N'SYNC.

- Ah, motherfucking
trucker butt.

- Erica?

He invited me to a
party at his house.

I am so turned on at work.

I might have to masty in
the utility closet.

- That is 100% a
fireable offense.

- Not if you're the Bread Boss.

Now what shit were
you about to tell me?

- I could've been a
rockstar Gravi-teabagger,

but guess what?

The system is fucking rigged.

And it's always going
to favor nepotism babies

like Cousin Lenny,

who probably doesn't
even know how

to put together a
well-paced PowerPoint.

- Aw, I'm so sorry, dude.

That sucks.

Huh.
- What?

- It's probably nothing,

but this shit that happened
today is kinda weird, isn't it?

I mean, we found that
M.A.S.H. game last night.

Today, Andy's car
got all jacked up.

You missed out on a job that
was just, like, on lock.

- My fucking parents'
toilet's broken!

Wait.

Are you plunging?

- No.

Yes.

- Because that would
be very plumber of you.

- I am not gonna be
a fucking plumber!

I graduated with
an MFA from RISD.

- Whoa, how big of a doo-doo
did you take, Pooper Mario?

- No, it was one
wipe, you dipshit.

- Yeah, for a ten-pound doo-doo?

You gotta
take a look at the tank

or else we're gonna
have to snake the drain.

Classic Erica.
- Fuck.

Oh!

- Don't move.

Oh! Oh, God!

Oh, God!

Drop! Drop and roll!

Drop, drop, and roll!

- That isn't a snake, is it?

- Play dead! Play dead!
- Aah!

- I don't wanna help you!
- Fuck you!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

- Don't worry,
babe. Don't worry.

Izzy and I, we watch
animal shows all the time.

In the event that the
snake is poisonous,

you just have to
suck the venom out.

- What?
- I don't wanna say this,

but Joshy?
- Yeah?

- You better start
sucking your sister.

- Oh, fuck. Just fuckin' do it.

- Uh, okay.

What are you doing?

Have you never given a
fucking hickey before?

- I've given several hickeys,
and they've all posted

on Facebook how much
they liked it, so...

- Doesn't fuckin' seem like it.

Oh, my...
- Just relax.

Don't relax...

- Congratulations, Ramon.

Dreams do come true.

You have made it to
regional manager.

I am marrying Joey Fatone.

We have to end this game.

- Why don't we get
you going, girl?

We gonna get that
body-ody-ody ready

for the potty-watty-watty.

And if your
boyfriend's gonna come,

I want him to go full
goblin on that ass.

Okay, I'm talking uhuhuhuh.

- Andy!
- Um, so anyways,

these influencer
friends of yours...

Get that ass.

- Andy.

- Um, you're friends
with the werewolf?

- Yes, ma'am. Sherman
Oaks High. Class of...

- 2018! It's when I graduated!

2018. Whoo!

That's when she came
to my graduation.

- Oh.
- Oh, yeah. She's so old.

Hi, Miss Mikayla.

Oh, ow!

My wisdom tooth's coming
in 'cause I'm so young.

Girl, why
don't you keep doing

that, okay?
- Okay.

- Uh, I'll be right back.
- Okay.

- Hey, what are you doing here?

- Andy, some shit is
going down at Erica's.

It's like 9/11 bad.

- 9/11! I don't even
know what that is.

- Yes, you do.
- Ew.

- No one knows what...

- Get the fuck in
the car! Come on!

- I'll walk you to your car.
- Bye-bye.

Well, Andy
just left me again.

He's helping some old lady.

- Let's go, Miss Mikayla.

- Let's go. Don't touch me.
- Aww.

Oh, someone's.

Whoa!

- Jesus.

- Okay, he's all yours.
- Well, we can share it.

- Nope, no, thank you.

- Guys, there's a
fucking snake here.

Yep, real fucking snake.

- Erica, please
clarify something.

This stupid bitch did
not make Joey Fatone

a chicken teriyaki
submarine sandwich.

- Actually, I made
him a spicy Italian

with extra meat and extra cum.

Erica, did you
find Fischbein yet?

- Why would she need
to find Fischbein?

Ohh, right.

Because Fischbein's
your future husband.

- Right.
- I can't find him anywhere.

He's not on Instagram.
He's not on Twitter.

He's not on LinkedIn.
What the fuck is that?

- Ugh, he's giving me
real serial killer vibes.

Holy shit!

- Aah! Oh, my God.

Am I gonna be a
world-record holder?

- Oh, please. They're
clearly press-ons.

- Ow, Andy! I grew them myself!

That fucking hurt!
- What?

- What the hell is this smudge?

- What?

- My death. Smudged.

Eighth-grade Josh,
he was a wild man.

I mean, this could be anything.

Right? It could be
a serial killer.

It could be an anvil
falling on my head.

It could be Topanga Lawrence
spitting in my mouth

till I asphyxiate, which
is actually kinda tight.

- Ugh.
- I'm fucked!

Well, I don't have time
for this today, okay?

I do not have time
for this today.

- Today? Okay.

What about the rest
of our fucking lives?

I didn't spend my
youth snorting bricks

of ADD meds and
taking up $200,000

in student loans just
to become a plumber

with Jeremy Fischbein in
a shack with 100 kids!

Right now, my
shit's tight, okay?

It's like a sweet little peach,

and I don't want
it all splayed out,

flapping willy-nilly.

- That peach is a cobbler, girl.

- At least you're gonna live
long enough to have sex.

- What?
- Kids! To have kids.

So you can have
sex to have kids.

You said...

I still had so
much poon to smash.

- Ew, ew, ew.
- Talking about your poon.

- Ugh, gross. Okay. You
know what, you guys?

I'm gonna fix this because I
am A+ Erica fucking Greenspan,

and I fix everything, okay?

Except toilets.
- Yet.

- Will someone just burn the
fuckin' M.A.S.H. book already?

It's like horror
film 101, right?

Just burn it!
- Burn it.

- Is that true? I don't
really watch horror films.

I mostly watch documentaries.

- Oh, shut the fuck up, Erica.
- Okay, all right.

Well, how's everyone feelin'?

- Oh, my gosh,
like, so cleansed.

Like mm.

But my car's at the shop,
and I literally have to run

to my next client, so
don't stop, won't stop.

But you know what?

We should definitely
talk about doing this

all over again because honestly,

if I'm being honest
with you guys,

I really miss...

Wait, no!

How are we gonna
know if it worked?

- Ooh!

What about Jason Momoa?

- What?
- Oh, my God.

He named the snake Jason Momoa.

- Fuck yeah I did 'cause
he's got the hottest pythons

in the game.
- Okay.

- Yeah, that...
- Okay, so here's what

we're gonna do.

We're gonna take
off Jason's top.

If he's not in the box, boom.

Curse closed.
- All right.

- Three.
- Three.

Two.

One.

- Oh, thank God.

Suck my dick, Jason Momoa.

Oh, my God, Andy was right.

- Yeah.

Wait, did he say he was running?

Like, actually running?

- Mm, that can't be.

Hold on
there, Usain Bolt.

- Mr. Leonard.
- Mr. Knight.

That's so funny.

We were just tal...

Oh, no.

Oh, fuck no.

- What? Andy?
- Aah! Aah!

- Oh, Andy.

Oh.

Andy!

What the H-E-double
vibrators is going on?

Aah!

- Move!
- Oh!

- Oh, thank God.

- What's the capital of Finland?

Helsinki.

- Yes, it is.

Andy, come on! Relax.

It's just your old geography
teacher for crying out loud.

I'm not here to kill you.

Or am I?

What what? Cha-cha-cha-cha.

Why would I do that?

I mean, maybe.
No, just kidding.

Am I? No.

- What?
- Come on!

You used to love those
corny jokes of mine.

No? Oh.

Well, listen, hey, you
dropped an earbud...

- Oh.
- Back there. There you go.

Wanna make sure
you got that back.

- Silly of me.

- Oh, and also found
this out there.

You left that behind.

You gotta take better
care of your stuff, man.

You know what, this is
actually a teachable moment.

I love teachable moments.

But you'd
know that, right?

Teaching, talking.

Following.

- I got a whole new
lease on life now.

- Yeah?
- I'm looking for love.

- Aah! I'm too hot
to marry Mr. Knight.

And I'm too hot to
show up on a Segway

to the club like
Paul fucking Blart!

Aah!

Wait a minute.

But J Momo wasn't
in the shoebo...

Okay.

"Stacy Friendship."

Okay, "Stacy Friendship
Japanese sing-along.

Advice
About Friendship," no.

Wait.

"Stacy Friendship Defense."

It's from the "L.A.
Times" from 1999.

"Elizabeth Lennox, 22,
of Ventura, was convicted

"of first-degree murder

"in the slaying of
Howard Miller, 23.

"Miller arrived at her home

"for what he believed was a date

"after the two met
in an AOL chat room.

"The victim was
unaware that Lennox,

"now a self-employed beekeeper,

"was his childhood classmate,

once voted 'Most
Likely to Succeed.'"

Uh...

Hello?

Lenniegirl17?

It's How-Dawg.

- I'm sorry, Howie.

- What?

Aah!

No! I have
Third Eye Blind tickets

for...

- "Lennox blamed her
action on Stacy Friendship,

an entity she believed to
be controlling her life"?

Oh, my God.

- Okay, well.

Maybe it's a different
Stacy Friendship.

Another one. You know
that name's so common.

And it didn't even mention
anything about M.A.S.H.

- That name is so
common. Are you kidding?

Beekeeper, shack, that
is the M.A.S.H.iest shit

I have ever heard.

- So what the fuck
are we gonna do?

- Yeah, come on, A+ Erica.

- Get your shit. Follow me.

- Shouldn't we take some
of your Adderall with us?

- No!
- Erica, listen.

I'm not going near
any convicted killers.

Are you out of
your fuckin' mind?

- Okay, we have questions.

Lizzie might have answers.

It's all fine. We're
gonna take my...

Where the fuck is my rental car?

- Wait, my car's
not here either.

- That, uh, that
wasn't there before.

- "All violators will be towed

to Lucky's Autobody
and Impound."

That's weird, because
that's where my car's at.

- Okay, this is exactly why
we need that beekeeper, okay?

- Mm-hmm.
- So I'm gonna order a Lyft.

Oh!
- What?

Oh, my God. Both: What?

- Holy shit!
- What, what, what, what?

- I found Jeremy Fischbein.
- Oh, sweet God, ew.

He looks like a leprechaun
that only made it

to middle management.
- Ugh, cancel the ride.

Cancel the ride, girl.
- It's not letting me!

- I don't want it.
- Mikayla, you do it.

- I don't want it! I got nails!

- All right, give
it here! Give it.

Boom! App deleted.

Thank you.

- Whoa!
- Oh, my God.

- Was that what was smudged?
- Oh, my God.

- Yeah, right.

You titty twisters wish.

- Oh, my God, dude.
I am so sorry.

You were in the...

Josh Greenspan?
- Yeah.

- And Andy and Mikayla,
and is that Erica?

- No! Hi.

- Oh, my God, it's
Jeremy Fischbein!

- Yeah, mm-hmm.

From... from growing up.

- Mm-hmm.
- From where?

- You, um... your chariot...

my van's over here.

- Someone fucking kill me.
- Ooh.

- Man, it is so freaking cool

to see you guys
hanging out still.

The Core Three! Oh, my gosh.

So catch me up.

- Ooh, Erica and her
boyfriend are soulmates.

- Hey, that's awesome.

Erica's all boo'd up. Mazel.

And I see you and he
haven't lost your spark.

- Oh, no, dude. That's all me.

- Oh, my God, ugh.
- What?

What?
- Don't tell people that.

- All right, I tink we're here.

Dang, trippy haunted
house.

Hope you can find it
in your little hearts

to get cha boy five stars...

Despite the
vehicular assault.

Every review help...

- Welcome to Shutter
fuckin' Island.

- Dr. Flores,
dial 182, please.

- Hello, Officer... Adams.

We are here to
see Lizzie Lennox.

- Inmate Lennox?

She doesn't receive visitors.

Did you even have
an appointment?

An appointment.

Please.

I'm Lizzie's new psychiatrist,

and I'm here for
a 2:00 p.m. eval.

And before you ask,
this is my grad team.

- What up?

- Okay.

Room 1266. Careful, doctor.

She's a freak.

- Oh, my God!

- Holy shit.

- Oh, wow.
- Very creative, yet creepy.

- Hi, Lizzie.

Um, my name is Erica.

We just have some questions
about Stacy Friendship.

- Yeah.

- Um, we found this
gamebook, and...

Aah!

- Oh, God!
- Oh, no. Mm-mm. Mm-mm.

- You didn't read
the poem, did you?

- A what?
- The poem in the book.

Did you read it?
- Oh, yeah, we read...

- Yeah, we read it.
- The whole thing.

- Read the shit out of it.
- Front to back.

- It got wild, yeah.
- And the middle.

- Uh-oh.

- SpaghettiO?

Who's back?

Stacy.

Oh, my
God, I've seen her before.

She turned into a
fucking coatrack.

Wait, are
you fucking kidding me?

I literally was
jogging this morning,

and that thing had, like,
that cone thing on the eye.

Right? Is that glaucoma?
- Yeah, yeah.

- Is it glaucoma?
- I can hear you.

- It's glaucoma.

- Stacy Friendship
might seem like

a cute, fun book
company for tweens...

- Mm-hmm.
- But the real Stacy,

Anastasia Amicitia...

Mm-hmm, old-ass Latin.

That can't be good.
This is not good.

This is... this is bad.

- [breathing heavily-

- She's a bitter, impish demon
with powers vast and cruel,

known to target children
during sleepovers,

cursing them with the
cruelest punishment of all:

setting their lives
on disparate paths

and ending their
friendships forever.

Ooh.

- Usually Stacy's actions are
spread out over the years.

But because you read
your poem as adults,

it seems this game is
catching up with you.

Fast.

I've always hated poetry.

- So how do we break the curse?

Did you
read the poem or not?

It's literally the
third line down!

"The key is in what
Friendship takes."

You have to give
Stacy Friendship

what she wants.

- Which is...

- A human sacrifice.

- So, um, is that why you...

- Made Howie miss his concert?

- Yeah.
- Why else?

- So the only way
out of this shit

is by killing our game husbands?

- Of course not.

- Husband.

Singular.
- Oh.

- And what, we just
end up here with you,

wearing Kanye's
outfit eating Jell-O?

- And you rid
yourself of the demon.

Sure, I'm locked up,

but only because I got caught.

And this place isn't
a shack, is it?

- Mm-mm, no. It's worse.

- And then there's my
best friend, Nicky Evans.

Nicky and I played
the game together.

Killing Howie
saved Nicky's life.

Unless you've seen a
lumberjack with triplets

tooling around in
a monster truck?

- I hate this so much.

- I don't understand why she
targeted us in the first place.

Stacy chooses friendships
that are vulnerable.

- That's crazy.
We're not vulnerable.

We're best friends. We
text every single day.

What is that sound?

- I'm just looking
at the drawing.

- I thought you said
you were a doctor.

- Uh, baby, I lied.

Oh.

- Go to sleep.

Oh!

Oh!

Holy shit!

- I'm a pro wrestler!

A pro fucking wrestler!

Let's get the fuck outta here!

- Hey, shit stains, wait for me!

I can't feel my fuckin' legs!

- Oh, this is a cute little
towing and auto stop.

All right, well, j'arrive.

Think that's
French for "We're here,"

so, yeah, remember to, uh...

- Yeah, five stars.
- Yeah, the...

- Yeah, yeah, five
stars. Whatever.

- Shove it up your ass, Fisch.

- Heard you. Annoying.

- We heard you.
- God.

-I can't believe we
got Fischbein again

- Is he the only driver in LA?
- Ugh, get a grip.

- Was it just me or did
his car smell like cheese?

- It did smell like jizz.
- I said cheese, babe.

- Oh.

Oh.

Well, this place
better be quick.

I got to jet.
- Wait.

Why do you get to leave early?

- Because there's
already a powerful entity

controlling my life. It's
called a third grader.

So just, like, text
me where to meet

and we'll deal with all this
demon stuff after, yeah?

- Okay, which one
of you needs help?

- Um, all of us in every way.

- Okay, but start with me.

- Okay, yeah.
- Thank you.

It's Ben! One sec.

- Oh, Ben.
- One sec. What about me?

I have a phone too, you know.

Hello?

I'm an influencer
and I have a bell.

Wouldn't
wanna give you a bad review.

You're getting in my shot.

- Hey, babe. How'd it go?

- Okay, so you know how I
really like making plans?

I think I need to start
making some new ones.

- What do you mean?
What happened?

- Phoebe hired her little
vapist cousin over me.

- Shit. Well, who knows?

Maybe he deserved it.

Anyways, where should we meet?

Just landed at LAX.
- I'm sorry.

I might have misheard you.

You said Cousin
Borat deserved it?

- Wait, his name is Borat?
- No!

No one is named Borat!

Well, I know... I
wouldn't say no one,

but... there's a possibility,

but he's... he's not...

- Oh. Oh.

Yes.

Fuck me.

Not today, Satan.

Here we go.

- Touched the mirror
up. No problemo.

You're all set, my man.

Thanks so much. Okay.

Bye.
- Yeah.

- I love what you're
doing with that, um...

Yeah.

Are you kidding me?

Hey, hey, girl. Hey, girl?

- You can't possibly mean this.

Okay? You're... I mean, you...

Oh, you don't mean this.

It's the game. It's
trying to break us up.

- What game?
- Um, Ben, I'm sorry.

I need you to go to
an In-N-Out, any one,

try the fries, tell
me if they're good.

I don't think they're
that good, okay?

I'm gonna fix this because
I fucking love you!

Bye!
- Love you t...

- Come on, you little bastard.

Come to papa.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit, shit, shit.

Oh, yep. Okay, this is it.

Hey, girl, sorry.

So funny story, you
actually made it worse

'cause it won't start.

- That is funny because
it was a second ago.

- So you agree, it's broken?
- Just hang on a minute.

I have to help another customer.

- Okay, I'm a customer
too, so if you could...

- Pop quiz!

Where's Lake Titicaca?

- Hey!
- No! No!

Andy!

Chill out, brother man.

God.

Listen, hey, I just
want to invite you

to a adult learning group that
I happen to be leading up.

I think you'd...

Oh.

Hey, cowboy, take it easy!

Aah!

Is that what I look like?

Stacy, you stupid bitch.

- "Exorcist near me."

One sec. Just real quick.

Ugh, there's so much shit
on the Internet, right?

- I have other customers.

- Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
- Yeah.

Um.
- Oh, my God. Holy shit.

You're holding my hand.

- I love you...
- Whoa.

- And what you do is
essential and honorable work.

Thank you so much.
- Thank you.

Uh...
- I'll Venmo you!

- Oh, I'm supposed to get paid!

- What the fuck?

You go. Oh, it's you.

Yeah, okay. I
can't go on Segway rides

on the beach with
that man, Erica.

And I can't kill him either

because Mr. Knight is
like a town fixture,

and I would get caught,
like, in five seconds.

And I can't go to
prison. Look at my face.

Look at my face.

I'm too pretty to go to prison!

- No one's killing anyone, okay?

Just get in the car
and ditch that thing.

We're going to Mikayla's.

- Help me.

Chop-chop!

- Come on.

Stupid.

- You're okay.

You're okay.

- That's too much.
- I can't stress enough,

I can't stand when you
dress up kids like...

- Look, look, look, look, look!

- Hey, Isabella!

You look so different from
the last time I saw you.

- Yeah, okay. Well,
Mommy might be a while,

so I want you to head on in,

turn on the TV, and
watch "The Irishman."

- Why can't I trick
or treat with Arden?

- Well, Arden's mom is
an emotional terrorist,

and her Botox is
honestly a crime.

So you wanna get inside?

- All right. Love you.

- Sure about that?

- Excuse me?
- Love you.

That was a fake smile.

- Okay, which one's Shamrock's?
- Upstairs.

You guys sure you wanna do this?

He's really expensive.

I mean, he's legit, right?

You think I would be
taken by a mystic?

- Yes.
- Yeah.

- Really?
- Absolutely.

- Hidey ho, fuckerinos.

- Oh, Limpy.
- Oh, shit.

We left Josh at the lot.

We're sorry.
- No, it's all good,

although I did almost
turn into a human s'more,

so that was kind of weird.

By the way, Mercedes runs great.

- Aah! Sports.
- For me anyway.

- How did you even find us?

- Andy's Instagram.

- What?
- You're live right now.

- No, I'm not.
- You sure are.

Oh, my gosh, I am.

Oh. Well, only four followers.

I should have at least nine.

- You're worried
about nine followers?

That's not even double digits.

- Let's go up the stairs.
- Okay.

Hey, guys. Going upstairs.

Sorry about the
butt-dial.

- You've got the wrong Shamrock!

- It's me!

- Me.

I'm me.

- It's not Shamrock.
I'm a ghost!

Mikayla!

Great to see you.

I'm not a ghost.

She told you what?

- You guys don't have
to murder anyone.

I'm slightly more relieved.

Whew.

- That's cute.

You guys are in the right place.

Okay? Because I'm
pretty dialed-in

to the spirit realm.

And I don't wanna get,
like, all HJO on you.

Haley Joel Osment.

But entities,

they fuck with Shamrock.

You know whose ghost sat
over there last week?

Take a guess.
- Guess?

- Gandhi?
- No.

- Is it Lucille Ball?
- What did you say?

- Was it Lucille Ball?
- No.

- The Gerber baby?

- Joe DiMaggio.
- Oh.

- Who?
- Joe DiMaggio.

- Joe DiMaggio.
- Marilyn Manson's husband.

- Marilyn Monroe.
- Baseball.

- Anyway, this sounds like what
we in the metaphysical field

call "a real fuckup."
- Okay.

- So here's what we're gonna do.

We're gonna conjure the demon.
- Mm-hmm.

- We're gonna
uncross your wires.

- Okay.
- And we're gonna send her

straight back to hell.

That sound groovy?
- Sounds so groovy.

- So groovy.
- It's groo-vay.

- All right, so here's
what I'm gonna need.

I'm gonna need the book

and one of your Venmos.

- Okay.
- And in the For line,

don't put anything specific
and just put, like,

a random emoji or something
'cause I don't want Venmo

coming back at me with,
like, a business fee.

- Anastasia?

Anastasia, if you can hear me,

send us a sign.

Oh.

- Anastasia?

Anastasia, is that you?

Knock once for yes
and twice for no.

- Okay.

Listen, we're not gonna take up

too much of your time.

I know it's crazy
busy down there

in your realm,
especially on Halloween.

So just tell us,

was it you who
delivered this book?

- Oh, my God.
- Whoa.

Well, okay.

And was it your intention
for these four souls

to be its recipient?

Aah!

- Okay, Shamrock, we
see what you're doing.

- Shh! Eyes closed.

She said it wasn't for
you. That's good news.

- No, it's not, and
we're out $1,500.

- Okay, you know what? I
don't even usually take

walk-ins, and I'm
only doing this

'cause Mikayla's a friend.

- No, no, no, no.
I am so sorry.

Do you guys wanna
do this or not?

- Yes, we do.
- Okay.

Let's get into it.

Shamrock, they're sorry.

Stacy, you're still here, right?

Okay, well, let's
get back into it.

Sham?

- That wasn't me.

- What?

- We have a visitor.

- My hair.

- Um, what the fuck?

- Okay, demon.

It's time to...

- Aah!

Aah.

Shammy?

You...
- Aah!

Felicem
vesperam sanctam.

- You bitches are so fucked.

- We never should've
played that fucking game!

- Core Three for life, huh?

- Core Three and Josh.

- What the fuck do
you want from us?

- Okay, you need to
take several seats.

Okay, you leave her alone.
- Or what?

You're gonna make me
a mean ticky-tocky?

I bet Mr. Knight likes
having his toes sucked.

Mm-mm, Stacy,

you leave him alone.

- Mrs. Joey Fatone.

Mega-mansion, huh?

- Yes.

- Actually sounds pretty nice.

- Honestly, it doesn't
sound that bad.

But you shut up. You shut up!

- Yeah, man. Shut the fuck up!

- Well, if it isn't the virgin!

All right.

This guy's obviously
a scam artist,

'cause I fuck puss all the
time and we all know it.

Puss?

- You're gonna die
today, incel boy.

I've definitely had sex, though!

- God, that's loud and stinky.

Shamrock? Sham, are
you... are you okay?

Are you yourself?

Shammy? Shamrock?

Is that you? You okay?

- Did...

- Yeah?
- Yeah?

The Venmo go through?

Guys, I said use an emoji.

- He's sensitive.

- Hey, Josh. It's
okay. We knew.

- You did?

- Definitely.
- Yeah.

- Look, for the record,
I'm not an incel.

All right?

I'm just involuntarily celibate.

Okay, yeah. That's
what an incel is.

- Heard it out loud.
- You get it.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

- Guys, I...

I can't die a virgin.

Okay.

I will take one for the team.

I will give you
one, two minutes...

- I don't want a pity hump.

I want the real thing, you know?

I want to live.

I want to be loved.

I want to be held.

I want to do reiki
on a beach somewhere.

- What?

- So help me God, if I
had a M.A.S.H. wife...

I would kill the shit
out of that bitch.

Aw, so sweet.

But I guess even in
my own fantasies,

I'm still destined
to be alone, huh?

- Yeah.

- Okay, is no one gonna say it?
- Say what?

- Okay, I guess I'll say it.

What?

- Erica, you have
to kill Fischbein.

- Yeah.
- What?

- Yeah.
- I can't do it.

I was valedictorian!
- So?

The Unabomber went to
Harvard. What's your point?

- Did he really? He must've
been legacy or something.

- Super sure.
- He was really smart.

- Okay, I'm not a
murderer, okay, Andy?

I'm not gonna do it. We
just need to re-group

and make some
flowcharts or something.

- Flowch... what? It's
a demon curse, Erica!

You're not just gonna
make some Microsoft Excel

and get rid of it, okay?

And no one's gonna,
like, fucking miss

or even question
the disappearance

of Jeremy Fischbein, okay?

The guy had no
goals, no ambition,

he's boring, so dull,
and so, like, ugh!

- Not to mention he's a
shit driver, am I right?

- Also, you would literally
be saving my life,

so that would be
pretty fucking sweet.

- Okay, fine. I'll do it.

I'll whack off Fischbein
tonight at Camp Wanabangme.

- Yes.
- Okay, are you happy?

- No, not whack him off.
It's just, like, whack him.

- I've always said that.

- Whacking off is, like...
- Don't listen to them.

- You know, when you, like...

- In our house, it's whack off.

- You know, when I saw
your message in the app,

I was like, "Okay, what'd
she leave in my backseat?

Wallet or keys?"

- And then when you're like,

"Oh, actually I'm
single. Let's hang out."

I was like, "Okay,
heck yeah."

- Guess I've just been
waiting for this moment

since I saw that sweet
Austin Powers impression

when we were in seventh grade.

- Yeah, I still dabble
in impressions, actually.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Yeah.

- Can I see one?

- Yeah, yeah, like uh...

Werner Herzog was looking
at this plate, he'd be like,

Cheese is the symbol

of man's dominance
over the dairy animals.

- Or I usually do Sam Elliott
hosting "RuPaul's Drag Race."

- Okay.

Bring back my hogs.

For today's maxi challenge,

you gotta dress up all
these little piggies

like they're hitting Studio 54.

So wait, all the "Drag
Race" contestants are all...

- They're hogs.
- Hogs? Yeah.

They're
gonna be a great bacon one day.

- Look at me. You're
a beautiful hog.

Don't let anyone take
that away from you.

Anyway,
uh, to your health.

- And to yours.

Um, I got a ride.

- Yeah, all right.

Oh, God.

- Uh, you sound
really out-of-shape.

- Oh, God. I'm gonna throw up.
- Yeah.

Oh, boy.

- Ugh, you okay?
- Oh yeah, I'm all right.

Oh, God. No.

Just
so we're clear...

I did that so we
don't go to jail,

not because of my
M.A.S.H fate...

as a gravedigger.

- Of course not, but you
are freakishly good at it.

- Well, thank you.

- It wasn't a compliment.
It's a disgusting job.

- All right.

- So when you're done with that,

put the shovel over
there by cabin 69.

69.

That's where we told
Erica we would be

and we're gonna hide over there

where Mikayla's pissing in the
bushes where we're gonna hide!

Mikayla!

- I don't plan of Lyfting
forever, of course.

- You have some
larger aspirations?

- Yeah, I mean,
doesn't everybody?

I'm trying to open up my
own artisanal cheese shop,

Fischbein Farms.

I've been studying up
on how to age everything

from gouda to gruyere.

Luckily, my parents are
letting me stay for a while.

I'm in savings mode.

And I just... I really
love my parents.

- Wow, so you're gonna
be a cheesemonger?

Uh, we prefer curd nerd.

I saw that on the internet.

Man, I'm, like,
killing it tonight.

- Mm!

- How's that chevre tasting?

- Honestly, I could
bathe in this.

Where's it from?

- Not where, who.

- Hmm?

- Come on. I'll
show you the shack.

The... the what?

- I built it just for her.

Henrietta, meet my friend Erica.

- Oh, my God. Jeremy,
she's adorable.

- Yeah, she is.

You're a hell of a dairy
goat, too, aren't ya?

You wouldn't know
it looking at her,

but she was actually
the runt of her litter.

Guess that's why I
like her so much.

I'm kind of a runt, too.

Oh, my God.
- What? What's wrong?

- Um, she's early.

Early for what?

- Get in here quick.
- Why?

- We're having a kid.

Kid?

- Oh, what's taking her so long?

- I don't know. It's
hard to seduce people.

- Never send a blond
to do a gay man's job.

- What?
- What?

- Wait, you're gay?
- Oh, come on.

- What?
- Is he gay?

- Shut up, Josh.

- I didn't... I don't know.

I don't make
assumptions like that.

- Honestly pretty progressive.
- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

- My God, so little.

- Dang, mommy!

Check you out, bottle-feeding.

I'm calling you
for future litters.

Future litters?

- Come on. I can't
have just one kid.

The plan is a hundred.

- Um, you know what?

Maybe mama and baby
need to relax, bond.

Maybe get a change of scenery?

- Um, sure.

Um, what were you thinking?

Axe-throwing bar, something?

- What about Camp Wanabango?

- Hell yeah.

You look like Jigglypuff.

- I'm Ariana Grande.
- You do look like

a Jigglypuff Grande.

- Yeah, look at his little curl.

You're Jigglypuff.
- I'm...

Oh... Here she comes.

- For a spot we all
used to party at,

this place has super
dark vibes, right?

Yeah.

Paging Jason Voorhees.

That's silly.
- Yeah.

Good luck.

- Man, I-I feel
like such an A-hole

for not asking you why you
were home in the first place.

- Oh, uh, that's okay.

Um, I was here for
a job interview,

um, but I didn't get it.

The boss ended up giving
it to her asshole cousin,

Lenny, who's still
waiting for his...

frontal lobe to develop.

- Oh.

It's go time.

- Well, Lenny sounds
like a douche canoe.

Oh, that's...

Y-you don't think
he deserved it?

- What the fuck is she doing?

- The CEO's cousin?
Yeah, he earned it about

as much as I earned
my Peyronie's disease.

If this lady can't
see your brilliance,

then she's just as moronic
as the dude she promoted.

- That is so nice to hear.

- You were always so
insanely talented.

I mean, you won, like,
every art show in school.

God, I had such a crush
on you when we were kids.

- I had a crush on you.

Even
this firecrotch is getting ass?

Unbelievable.

- Did you hear that?
- Um, I think that was an owl.

N... um...
- Hoo-hoot.

- No, no, Jeremy,
ah, I wouldn't, um...

- Hoot.
- I wouldn't go over there.

Owls are very territorial.

Shit.

- What the...

- Hoot.
- Oh, God.

- Oh.

- What...

Is this some kind of
prank or something?

- What? I didn't even know
you guys still hung out here.

That's so fuckin'
crazy. That's fun.

- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.

- What is this, uh,
a brewski session?

Huh? Fuckin' pass one.

Whoo!

- Yeah, brewski times!

- Oh, yum.

- That can is clearly
old and full of dirt.

- So you lured me here on a date

to... to Camp Wanabangme,

to Cabin 69,

as a prank?

- No, this is... this is just
a crazy, crazy coincidence.

- No, the first two
times was a coincidence.

This...

This is mean.

Are you even single?
Mikayla, is she single?

- Ooh, ah, that's a...
That's a tricky question.

- Man, I... I feel
like such an idiot.

I really thought I had a
chance with Erica Greenspan.

Cool joke, though.
- No, no, no.

No, I'm... I'm so s...
no, no.

What if we're meant
to be together?

Jeremy, what if I want
to live in a shack

with you and have 100 kids?

- Well, congratulations.

You just had your first
fight as a future couple

since you couldn't end the game!

- I'm sorry I couldn't kill him.

He's fucking nice.

And he's got dreams,
and he's a sweetheart.

- Oh, he's charming?

Oh, he's fucking
Prince Charming.

Come on, Erica!

It's fucking Fischbein!

And you made a promise.

You're such a bad friend.

Really?

Okay, I'm... I'm
sorry, when did murder

become the metric
of true friendship?

- Mikayla, back me up.

- Hm.

- Oh, my God.
- What?

- Oh, my God!

You're glad she didn't
finish the game, aren't you?

- What? No.

I mean, it's just...

I'm kind of psyched
about my fate.

You know, it would be awesome
to win Hell in a Cell,

marry up, and honestly,

these are growing on me.

- See? I'm not a bad friend.

- Oh, my God, what did you
think was gonna happen?

You were gonna get that job,

and you were gonna
move back into town,

and it's gonna be like 2002

with the Core
Three! Core Three!

Lolz, "Pimp My Ride!"

- I never said shit
about "Pimp My Ride."

- Okay, what'd you think?

We were gonna hang
out every day?

What would we talk about?

The King of Farts?
- Ah, Paul Dudley!

- Oh, shut the fuck up, Josh!

- That guy rocks, Andy!

- Erica, you have been
MIA for a long time.

- Okay, I'm... I'm sorry
I moved to New York.

Okay? But here's a question.

When was the last time any
of you checked on me, hmm?

I'm not gonna lord that over
you, though, because I care

about this friendship
and I want it to work.

In fact, I'm the only one who
keeps that text thread movin'.

- Sorry, what text thread?

Yeah, you're
the only one keeping

that text thread alive...

- Yeah.
- With your cringey memes!

What do we call her, Mikayla?

- We don't have
to do this, Andy.

- Tell her.
- We don't have to do this.

- Tell her.
- No, no, no.

I'm curious.

What do you call me?

- We call you...

the Memelord.

And we have a
sidebar text thread

talking about how
cringey yours are.

- Okay, so I'm not in either
one of the text threads?

Shut the fuck up, Josh!

- This isn't about you!

- Yeah, of course it isn't!

It's never about
old Josh, is it?

I mean, I'm the one
that's set to die

now that Fisch isn't, right?

- Hopefully.
- But whatever.

Let's just talk about
anything else first.

Huh?

You guys have always treated me

like nothing more
than an afterthought.

- What the hell was that?

- Oh, my God, it's Mr. Knight.

What's he doing at
Camp Wanabangme?

- Probably fucking an
atlas. That guy's a creep.

I'm gonna save all our asses.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- You can thank
me later, dildos.

- Mr. Leonard?
- Pop quiz, fuckface!

- Oh!
- Oh!

- Ah!

See? Was that so hard?

- I mean...
- It looked...

It looked difficult, yeah.
- Really hard.

- But you made it look good.

- Thank you.

Ah!

That's a detention.

- Whoa!
- Oh!

- Oh, I think big boy
wants to tango, huh?

Hey! Oopsie.

- Ooh.
- Oh, you know.

Oops!

Nope! Try again.

- I'm trying to!
- Oh!

That's sad. Upcha!

- This is getting hard to watch.

- Don't try to hit me. Hit me.

Oh! Andy, there are
consequences for your actions.

Why won't you die!

Oh!

- Oh, wow.
- Oh, okay.

- Is he...

Oh!

Ah!

- You're gonna do great, kid.

- Thank you.

- Okay.

- Fill her up, Josh.

Shovel's in the grave.

- You should probably
go check his pulse.

- Me? Don't send the
Black one in first.

You go.
- I wanna touch a dead body.

- Now that my car works,

I guess I'll see you all never.

- Sounds like a plan.

- I guess I'll cut my nails.

- Later, you fuckin' fucks!

- Later, babe.

Careful with my doors.
Still leasing this.

Brand new Mercedes, so please...
- Huh, it's a lease?

Yeah, it's a lease.

You fucking bitch.

- My leg feels better.
- That's good.

- Yeah, it's great. Fantastic.

- Trick or treat.
- Ben!

- I went through so
many In N' Out wrappers

I think I learned a Bible verse.

But the only thing I wanted
off the secret menu was you.

- Sick line, brah. Sick line.

Oh, and don't worry
about that hickey.

It's strictly platonic.

- That's my brother.

Get out of here.

- Not gonna ask.

Can't believe you're letting
us drink red over a couch.

Must have really missed me.

Oh, crap.

- What?
- Work stuff.

- What?
- Huh.

There's been an
uprising in Nicaragua.

They need me on the
next flight to Quito.

- Come on, you just got here.

- I know, right?

But it's work.

You get it.

Last thing I need is a "Lenny"

trying to steal my
thunder, you know?

I totally
get it. Okay.

I'm just so fucking relieved

we still have a future together.

- Why wouldn't we?

- No reason.

Jason Momoa!

- What?
- Um, uh...

You look just like Jason Momoa.

That's so crazy I
just thought of it.

You must get that all the time.

People must confuse you...
Whoa, that's so crazy.

So you need to get on
that flight to Quito.

Have a great uprising.
- Okay.

- You need to get your
ass on that plane.

- Well, I...
- Okay, and we'll just circle

back when we're both
in Brooklyn, okay?

- Yeah. Wow.

Thanks-thanks for understanding.

- Circling back,
babe. Love you.

Why is it still here?

Lizzie said this would be over

like it was for
her and her friend.

Okay?

Her friend. Oh, my God.

Uh, N-Nicky.

Nicky Evans, Ventura.

- Babe!

- Babe.
- You came through.

Praise Jesus.

- Of course. I
wouldn't miss it.

- Okay, well,
bathroom's that way,

because this ain't it.

But then we have so
many people to meet.

God, I swear, Andy,

once you start
training us for free,

you'll totes get that
follower count up, henny.

- Wait, for, uh, free? What?

Okay, wait. My
boyfriend is on his way.

How's our ass?
- Yeah, it looks

oh, so fat.

Girl, see ya later.

- We've been following
you, Andy Leonard.

Okay.

Candace's friends, right?

Oh, yes. "Handmaid's
Tale." Love it.

What's your handle? I'll
follow you girls too.

Okay, we're walking. Okay.

- I wanted to trick or treat.

- Yeah, yeah, I know, baby.

But this is...
this is way better.

Damn, this place is nice.

Oh, shit. I hope
he still likes me.

- That guy? Why
wouldn't he like you?

- Well, because we broke the...
- Oh.

Whoopsies.

You know what that means, right?

You fall in love
with the first man

you lay eyes on. Me.

Joey Fatone.

- So are we, like,
still a thing?

- Baby, no one can
resist Cupid's arrow.

- Yow!
- Oh.

Don't look at that.

- They don't call me
"fat one" for nothing.

- Oh, my God.
Come on, come on.

- Okay. That's a
pretty normal house.

Holy shit.

- And then there's my
best friend, Nicky Evans.

Killing Howie
saved Nicky's life.

Unless you've seen a
lumberjack with triplets

tooling around in
a monster truck?

- That better be a boat.

Oh. Shit. That's not good.

Monster truck, triplets.

If this guy is a lumberjack,
I'm gonna fucking...

Hey, Jesus.

This is private property.

- Nicky Evans?
- Yeah, who's asking?

- My friends and I
played this, too.

So I don't fucking understand

how this is possible
because Lizzie said that...

- Wait.

My girls and their
mother will be home soon.

Why don't you come join
me in the mouth of hell?

- Oh. That's the name
of your monster truck.

- Yeah, what'd
you think I meant?

- I, um... it felt...
It felt ominous.

- Oh, no, it's just
the name of the truck.

Come on.
- Okay.

You just parkour
into this or what?

- No, no, I got a ladder.
They supply a ladder.

When you get a monster truck,
they give you a ladder.

The curse was never broken.

- What do you mean the
curse was never broken?

Lizzie lives in the
nuthouse, not a shack.

- The State Hospital and
Asylum for Convicted Killers?

Are you familiar with
the word acronym?

- State Hosp...
S-H-A-C-K. Oh, my God.

- You know, look,
I know it's rough,

especially at first,
but...

Even though Stacy
has her claws in you,

it's not a dead end.

I mean, my kids are great.
I have a solid marriage.

You know, I mean, sure,
it's virtually impossible

to parallel park this beast,

but at least nobody
fucks with me on the 101

when I press the button.
- What button?

- Oh, ho, ho. This
button right here.

Watch this.

Oh.

- Oh, my God. You do
that on the freeway?

- I do it on the freeway.
I do it on side streets.

I'll do it in cul-de-sac,
I don't give a shit.

Sometimes I'll do it in the
Trader Joe's parking lot.

I mean, I'm gonna share
something with you

that I probably shouldn't.

But it's true what they say
about dudes and big trucks.

I am
completely compensating

for my too small...
- Oh, you don't need to...

- No, no, you didn't know
what I was gonna say.

Let me finish.
- Oh.

- I am completely compensating
for my small penis.

- Okay, that's definitely what
I thought you were gonna say.

- Oh, well, then I guess
I didn't need to finish.

Anyway...

- I just can't understand
why Lizzie would lie to us.

I mean, doesn't she know
all of your shit came true?

- Course she knows.

You know, I'm... I'm
pretty sure I told her.

- What?

- Well, I... I... look, Stacy

sets us off in very
different directions, okay?

- You never told Lizzie?

- You think being a woodsman-
girl dad three times over

gives you extra free time?

I mean, besides, I'm
constantly in training

for the Paul Bunyan
competition every year...

- Fuck the Paul
Bunyan competition!

- Oh, that's easy to say
when you're not a lumberjack!

- Lizzie was your best friend.

- Yeah, well, you know,
we're... still pretty close.

- Yeah, the fuck you are.

The only joy she has in life

is thinking she saved yours.

When was the last time
you took the 40 minutes

to drive and say hi?

- Oh, my God, I'm an asshole.

- You have to go see her.

Bring her some crayons.
She has, like, two:

purple and black.
- I can't.

Okay?

It would be too awkward,

and she would be so mad at me.

- Yeah, probably,

but avoiding conflict
isn't friendship.

You're being a coward.

- Well, maybe I am
a coward, all right?

- Oh, my God. Wow.

You don't need to
do that. Jesus.

- Nicky Evans, the
cowardly lumberj... jack.

- Oh, no.

- You're okay.

- Here, hold this.
- What?

You're gonna go pee-pee?

- Erica, I need you
to do me a favor.

- What?

- I need you to push the button.

- Okay, I'm not gonna do that.

- Push the goddamn
button! Push the button!

- I don't deserve
the Golden Bunyan.

Push the button!

- I'm not gonna flambé
your face, dude!

But I am gonna make things
right with my friends.

Okay, and I think you should

grow some balls and do
the same with Lizzie.

- My balls are fine.

It's my penis that's the issue.

- Oh, my God.

- I'm starting to regret

sharing that
information with you.

- Welcome to my N'SYNC-tuary!

- Oh, my God.

- Look at these Moon Men.

- Yeah. Winning those bad boys

makes you feel like
Neil Armstrong himself.

Hey, easy there, Tater Tot.

Those are gonna be in the
Hard Rock Café one day.

- Isabella, you have
to be respectful.

This is our chance
to change our lives!

- Why would we wanna
change our lives?

- Because I...
because we... uh...

don't you want this mansion?

Don't you want a stepdad

who's been on "The
Masked Singer"?

Don't you want me to be
the coolest mom in school?

- You're already the coolest.

- Oh, come on.

I can't compete with Arden's mom

and her gluten-free crostinis.

I pack Meatball Delites for you.

- Arden's mom's
crostinis suck shit.

- Oh.

- It's why Arden
throws them out.

She eats your sandwiches.

I share them with her.

Can we go trick-or-treating?

- Yes, baby. Let's go.

- Hey, wait. You
can't go just yet.

Mikayla, listen.

Once you said you were coming,

I knew it wasn't just
gonna be a Halloween party.

It's gonna be a wedding!

- Wow, those nails
are freaking nasty.

Zaddy like.

- Oh, God!
- Jesus Christ!

- Fart. You're an animal!

- You ever fucking knock?
- Okay, look.

I don't wanna tell you this
under these circumstances,

but look, I'm sorry

I didn't tell you I
was coming home, okay?

And for always treating
you like an afterthought

when the truth is, you've
always been our fourth.

But the game is still on,

so I'm gonna need
you to wash up, okay?

'Cause we're going to a party.

- Wait, you and me?

- Yes.
- Tight.

- So you're gonna need
to put on some pants.

All right, yeah. I'm just
gonna make some coffee

'cause I'm super tired
from digging graves

and jerking off all day.

- Okay, there's
no time for that.

Drink this.
- All right. Oh!

- Good catch with all that lube.

Okay, chop, chop.

Wash your dick.

- 10,000 followers, here I come.

Ow!

- We are the Students
of the Knight's Order.

- Ah, and you're all... naked.

I had no idea

that Mr. Knight's
adult study group

was so, um, adult.

- It's his no longer.

He who vanquishes

the Great Knight
on All Hallow's Eve

fulfills the divine prophecy,

and you did, back
at the campground.

You're our leader now.

- Oh, fuck me.

- With pleasure.

The new Knight has
ordered the bacchanal.

- No, I ordered nothing.

- Take me, Andy.

Take me and brand my ball sack.

- Now I'm ready
to trick-or-treat.

What are you doing here?

- Doesn't matter.
The game never...

- Never ended? Yeah,
I figured that out

when fucking NXIVM showed up.

- Hey.

- Oh, no. Turn around, Brad.

- Wait, I need to say something.

Okay?

You guys are right.

I mean,

we've all changed a ton,

and we don't have
what we used to,

and we never will again,

- Oh, wow, that's really nice.
- That was rude.

- We were codependent
little freaks growing up.

We spent every minute together.

That shit's not sustainable.

I wanted to see
everything was the same,

because if it was, it means
I didn't miss anything,

and I wasn't a bad friend.

But I was.

Whatever my future holds,

I need you guys in it.

- Yeah?

- I'm sorry.

- No, I'm sorry.

I... I've been a huge,

veiny, throbbing, oozing dick

about the whole
kill-Fischbein thing,

calling you a memelord,

and Mikayla, I'm so sorry

that I pushed you
away all those years.

- No, no, no, I'm so sorry

I made fun of you
and your friends!

- Oh, those users
are not my friends.

- Aw.

- I'm just a tiny
little toxic man.

- Yeah.

I protect my heart by
wrapping it in barbed wire,

but the truth is,

truth is, those
barbs cut both ways.

- Well, that's how
barbed wire works, but...

- Barbed wire's...
- Is that sharp.

- I may have never
fucked a chick before...

- Oh...

- But I sure do fucks
with you guys, you know?

- Hold me.
- No, no, you stay there.

- You're probably right.
I'll just stand here.

- You guys,

whenever your mansions or
apartments need plumbing,

I'm your bitch.

- Aww.
- Thanks, bitch.

- Also, guys,

SummerSlam happens every summer!

So you guys are VIP
to the square ring.

- Dude, I am so down...

you know, until
I, you know, die,

'cause that's
gonna happen still.

- That's a bummer.
- Yeah.

- What the shit is that?

Excuse me.
- What?

- 'Sup, Ben?

- Erica! You're here!

You're here!

- Baby, who the hell is this?

- Uh, I'm Ben's girlfriend.
Who the hell are you?

- Uh, Candace Nicaragua.

From TikTok?
- Boo.

- We matched on Raya,
like, a year ago.

- So this was the flight you
had to catch to Nicaragua.

Oh, my God.

You didn't come out
here to celebrate me.

Every time you're busy
or you have "work" in LA,

you're just "in Nicaragua"?

- No, he's in LA, fucking me.

- That's what I meant, bitch.

Okay, Erica,

I actually do come
here for shoots,

and I'm flying out
to Quito in an hour.

- Oh, yeah? Well,
Quito is in Ecuador.

- Yeah, and cheaters
get choke-slammed!

- Andy, you're seriously
with these musty old bitches?

- Hey, I will never
apologize for my friends

or the fact that I like
succulents and skinny jeans,

and I remember exactly
where I was on 9/11.

I was at the orthodontist,

because I remember asking

for red, white, and
blue rubber bands

because it was really sad!

Okay? And I don't care!

I'm Andy goddamn Leonard,

and I was born in 1990,

and I'm ch-ch-cheugy!

And I love it!

- So gross.

- Shut the fuck up!

- Yeah, I'm gonna die soon...
- Don't touch me.

- Okay, that's fair.

- I'm gonna dedicate
this next song

to a very, very special woman.

Mikayla Sanders,

this one's for you.

- Wait, wait, wait.
This is our song

from the Fall Lip Sync.

This isn't his song!

- Joseph Anthony Fatone,

you stop playing that right now!

- No way. I love you!

- You know what? Fuck it.

It's Core Four time.

- Core Four? You
just make that up?

- Rolls off the
tongue, doesn't it?

Heads up.

That's my girl.

- Josh, are you okay?

Oh, my God, the energy drink.

Is this what kills you?

- The curse! It's breaking!

- "The key is in what
friendship takes."

That wasn't about
Stacy Friendship.

- It was about our friendship!

- Oh, my God. We
have to keep dancing.

- We do?

- We got this.
- Okay.

- Even when she
pukes, she's hot.

- Holy fuck!

That shit was inside of us?

No!

You bitches are
supposed to be finished!

- Game over, bitch.

- Game over, bitch.
- Game over, bitch!

- That's enough.
- Okay.

- October 31st.

- Mm. God Oh, God.

Either I slept weird,
or I am super sore

from choke-slamming your
boyfriend through a table.

Agh.

Ugh.
- Mikayla, your nails.

- What? Oh!

No more world record?

- The book.
- What?

- It's gone.
- What?

- And the snake, which means...

- Oh, my God.
- Josh!

Josh.

- Holy shit. I'm alive.

Oh, my God.
- Yeah!

- I'm gonna live.
I'm gonna live!

I'm gonna live!
I'm gonna live!

You there! Boy in the blue!

What day is this?

- Fuck you, old man!

- All right.

- Dick bitch ass.

- You know, guys,
I gotta tell you,

in hindsight, that was
pretty fucking fun.

- No. Josh, what the fuck?

- Oh, wow.

The whole N'SYNC posse
is in the hizzie.

- Ooh, wow.

Your memory's sick, bro!

- Please.

You used to play
that album so much,

you practically beat me
over the head with it.

'Cause... 'cause you...

- Only figuratively, though.

Huh?

- Happy Halloween!

- Uh...

The all-in-one
Theranos blood test.

But in all
seriousness, you guys,

I actually do have
some pretty big news.

- It's-a me, Mario!

What's wrong?

Her cousin?

Jesus. Really?

Well, who knows?

Maybe he deserved it.

- Wait, what?

You're not supposed to say that.

Are you on Raya?

- Uh...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, babe!

Don't get all psycho.

- Have fun with
Candace, shithead.

She's, like, 18

and is gonna leave your
ass for an MMA fighter.

Oh, and by the way,
I got that job,

and it pays great,

so when I move back
to LA without you,

I'm not gonna have to live
in a rickety-ass shack.

Bye, Brooklyn!

- So her name's Claire,
and she's a doctor.

- Ooh!
- Ooh, Claire!

- Dr. Claire.

- It's only been our first sesh,

but I gotta tell you
guys, Talkspace nailed it.

She, uh, said I have
some pretty severe issues

and I'm pretty
mentally disturbed,

so... she gets me.

Wow.

Look at you,
working on yourself.

- Thank you.
- Where can I find a guy like...

That does that?

- Listen, it takes time.

The dudes will come.

Listen, my dude went a
little cuckoo last night,

but I'm not worried.
Okay, watch this.

Hey, Joey Fatone,
send me a dick pic.

Mm.

- Ooh, instantaneous.

Ooh!
- And huge.

- Oh, yes.
- Can I see?

Can I see? Can I see?

- God did spend a
little more time on him.

Ooh!
- Oh, my God.

Hey!

- Which house do you
wanna go to next?

- That one!
- Yes!

- Trick or treat!

- Oh, hey.
- Here you go.

- Thanks.
- Wait.

Is that...
- Wow.

A full-size candy bar.

I knew this place was cool.

- Hon.
- Yeah.

Hey.

- Are those randoms,
or do we know them?

- I don't know.

Oh, they were out of blood,
so I just got us red.

- Good idea.

- I gotta get more candy.

- Well, go get it, girl!

- Okay, I'm off. Wish me luck.

- You don't need luck.

I rubbed my romance
stone before I left.

- Oh, no, is that...
- Yes, that is what

I call my vagina.
- Yeah, no, I figured.

- Yeah.
- Well, thanks, Mikayla.

Your sister's about
to get Fischbeined!

- Nice.

- Ew.
- Ew!

- Happy Halloween, Fischbein!

- Erica?

Erica Greenspan.

Oh, my God.

This is... this is so crazy.

- I'm sure it is.

- No, I... I mean,

we were literally just
talking about you.

- We?

- Guys,

you will never
believe who's here.

- Wow, what's up?

- Yeah, the
Fischtank's hanging out

for the first time in ages.

Marcus, AJ, and you
remember Paul Dudley.

Oh, yeah...

- There it is.
- Greetings, wifey.

- What did you just call me?

- Uh, this is so lame.

- Paul downloaded
this game on my phone.

We've been fucking
around with it.

Apparently, you two
are gonna get hitched.

- What game?

- Yeah, he's gonna
be the president,

and you're gonna
be the first lady.

Hope the White House
has room for octuplets.

- Never pulling out.