Curse of the Pink Panther (1983) - full transcript

Inspector Clouseau disappears, and the Surete wants the world's second best detective to look for him. However, Clouseau's enemy, Dreyfus, rigs the Surete's computer to select, instead, the world's WORST detective, NYPD Sgt. Clifton Sleigh. Sleigh obtusely bungles his way past assassins and corrupt officials as though he were Clouseau's American cousin.

- How much?
- Six million.

- But that's ridiculous.
- It's worth 30.

It'll have to be split up.
We'll lose at least 40% of it.



I am Clouseau,

and justice will be done
in the name of the "lew."

One year ago today,
Inspector Jacques Clouseau,

the Police Academy's most
illustrious graduate, disappeared.

We felt it appropriate to broadcast
this commemorative program

from the Academy, where
a new generation of police officers

are about to receive their shields.

The question
on every Frenchman's mind is,

"What has happened to
France's greatest detective?

"Why haven't the authorities
been able to solve the mystery?"

Tell the police commissioner
I want to see him.

Oui, Monsieur Président.

The president himself gave the order!

And at 3:00 this morning,
the commissioner woke me up

to say he was putting me in charge. Me!

And I've got one month
to make Operation Paragon a success.

Otherwise, I'll be back on the vice squad

staking out pissoirs
for what is left of my career.

Operation Paragon?

Yes. The President's idea.

If France's greatest detective is missing,

then get the world's greatest detective
to find him.

And how do you find
the world's greatest detective?

By computer. The Commissioner's idea.

Interpol has computer files

on every law enforcement agency
in the world,

and I am supposed to program
the computer to select Clouseau's clone.

But Clouseau...

You know he was an idiot,
and I know he was an idiot,

but the rest of the world sees him
as a fearless deductive genius,

another Sherlock Holmes,

and that's the type of man
we are now looking for.

Then you have a problem.

Yes, because a man like this
might find Clouseau...

A horrible thought.

What's the alternative?

I don't know.

I'm damned if I do,
and I'm damned if I don't.

A series 600 Huxley computer.

You can program it by
voice command, you know.

Ouais. Observe this. Activate.

- Aldous.
- Ready, Dave.

Aldous can even recognize people's voices.

- Amazing.
- Elementary.

Chief Inspector Dreyfus, Sûreté,
vital statistics, please.

Coming up, Dave.

- What's the delay?
- Lots of material.

Well, just give me
an abbreviated version then.

All right. Charles Larousse Dreyfus.

Born Marseilles, April 1, 19...

Skip that. Skip that.

What is the subject's present occupation?

Subject's present occupation...

Chief Inspector, Criminal Division, Sûreté.

How's his health?

Last complete physical examination...

January 7th, this year.

Chronic hypertension.

May, 1978, suffered nervous breakdown

and was committed to the state mental...

- Skip!
- Sorry.

Do you want to ask him anything?


What are the odds

that the greatest detective in the world
will find Clouseau?

Even money. Take your pick.

Well, aren't you being slightly optimistic?

Not at all.

Why? Are you afraid
he'll drive you crazy again?

Cool it, Aldous.

Just responding with
an obvious observation.

I hope I didn't offend you,
Inspector Dreyfus.

Not at all.

By the way, it's Chief Inspector Dreyfus.

Shame on you, Aldous.

Nobody's perfect. Have a happy day.


Prisoner Steiger has arrived.

Show him in.

Come in.

Wait outside.

Sit down.

Maurice Steiger...
15 years for bank robbery.

How much was it?

About 150 million,
give or take a few francs.

And it's never been recovered.

It must be hell, sitting in prison,

dreaming about what
you could do with all that money.

It's not so bad.

I'm a model prisoner.
I come up for parole in six months.

Yes, but there's always the chance
that the Parole Board will turn you down.

I see.

I tell you where the money is,

you put in a good word
with the Parole Board.



It took a computer genius to embezzle

150 million francs from the Bank of France,

and I have a problem

that requires a computer genius.

You help me solve that problem,

and in 6 months' time, you'll be a free man,

living out 150 million dreams,

give or take a few dreams.

What's your problem?

Can you rig a computer

so that no matter what I program into it,

it will select the exact opposite?

Black is white? Day is night?


What sort of computer?

A Huxley 600.

There is only one of those in this country.

How are you going to get me into Interpol?

I can't.

Then how do you expect me to rig it?

I don't. I expect you to tell me how to rig it.

The President has just arrived,

and is being greeted by
Sergeant Duval of the Sûreté

and Secretary General Dulong of Interpol.

And now we switch to Michelle Chauvin,

who is about to interview
the star of these proceedings.

Good morning, Michelle.

This is Chief Inspector Dreyfus
of the Sûreté.

You are the one who is
going to program Aldous

to select Clouseau's successor?



He is not going to be Clouseau's successor.

Why not a she?


Well, couldn't it just as easily be a woman,

or are you purposely
programming it to be a man?

No, no. We are just trying to find
the best, the most qualified...

The most like Clouseau?


To paraphrase an old saying,

set a great detective
to find a great detective.

Exactly. But he or she
will not be Clouseau's successor.

I mean, they won't be
going to work for the Sûreté...

I hope.

Excuse me.

The President has just arrived.

In a few moments, Aldous the computer

will select from the files

of all the law enforcement
agencies in the world

the one man or woman

most qualified to solve the disappearance

of France's greatest detective.

And screw up my entire life.

Just over a year ago,

while investigating yet another theft

of the famous diamond, the Pink Panther,

Inspector Clouseau seemed to
vanish from the face of the earth,

leaving behind one of France's
greatest unsolved mysteries.

Not to mention
the 4,000 francs he owes me.

And now, working on the theory
that the best person to find Clouseau

is someone almost exactly like Clouseau,

Chief Inspector Dreyfus
will program Aldous the computer

with a character profile
of Inspector Clouseau.

That's going to put a hell of a strain
on poor old Aldous.

Obviously, Mr. President,

so as not to limit our choice,

I will omit sex, height, weight,

race, and nationality.

- Ready, Aldous?
- Ready, Charles.

Age... 61.

Senior officer.




Judo, kung fu, Okinawan weaponry,

karate expert...

Black belt.

Expert ma... Ma...




A born leader.


Is that it, Chief?


Coming right up.

What is he humming?

It sounds like Moon River...


Chief Inspector Dreyfus
is obviously nervous.

The President and the Commissioner

are waiting tensely
as the moment draws near.

Ladies and gentlemen,

after thoroughly searching the records

of 13,623,055 candidates,

I have come up with your man.

It's a man.

From the 11th Precinct

of the New York City Police Department,

I give you... A little drum roll, please...

Got a light, big boy?

Cliff, broads don't call
guys "big boy" anymore.

Right, Charlie.

I thought you didn't smoke.

I think it kinda goes with the look.


I don't believe it!
He's gonna blow their cover!

That's a nasty cough you got there, lady.

You shouldn't oughtta be smoking.

I lost a contact lens.


I lost a lens.

I'll look for it later.
Can we just do with one?

I can't see without it,
and it cost me 85 bucks!

I'll lend you the money, for God's sake.

Oh, my... I found it.

Get it. Come on, let's go.


See you later.

He's gonna blow it.

He's gonna blow it.

Stay with him.

Don't forget the guys we're after

put a little old lady in the hospital.

I can't believe the lieutenant
would let a screw-up like Sleigh

work this kind of stakeout.

The lieutenant's been
under a lot of pressure lately.

Yeah? What kind of pressure?


He's been driving the lieutenant bananas.

Maybe he hopes Sleigh will
end up like the little old lady.

Come on.

To tell you the truth, that thought
has passed through my mind.

Stop! Stop! Back up, back up, back up!

Stop! Stop! Go forward. Go forward.

Now, stop!

Hi there, beautiful.

Pardon me, I...

I feel that I know you.

Are you by any chance...

Sheila Swanhill from Petoskey, Michigan?

Well, if not...

Are you her sister,

or in any way related
to the Swanhill family?

Obviously not. If you were,
you would have recognized me by now.

Allow me to introduce myself.
Harley Hamilcar Ill.

I'm in cement.

Did you know that Petoskey
is the cement capital of the world?

Some drunk's trying to pick him up.

She had a cousin named...


My name's Derina.


You have a lovely voice.

You do

Something to me

Something that

Simply mystifies me

Tell me

Why should it be

You have the power to hypnotize me?

It's getting out of hand. 'neath your spell

Do do that voodoo that you do so well

What are you doing to me?

A real hooker's just joined the party.

What's all this dancing around?

I'm going in.

Not only did you screw up the stakeout,

but another little old lady was mugged.

To make matters worse,

we're the laughing stock
of the whole 28th Precinct,

and by the time those crumbs
get through spreading it around town,

we'll be the laughing stock

of the whole goddamn
New York City police force!

- With all due respect...
- What respect?

What do you know about respect?
You sure as hell don't respect me!

Oh, yes, I do.

I got an ulcer, I'm losing my hair,

and you're driving me
straight to the funny farm!

You call that respect?

What happened tonight
was not entirely my fault.

Three years on the police force,

you don't know
how to handle a common drunk?

You had to be there.


If it wasn't for the fact...

That you're
a third-generation police officer,

and that your father
was not only my captain

but my daughter's godfather

and a close personal friend
of nearly 20 years,

I'd have you back doing guard duty
at the public library!

I request no special attention
because of my family.

Don't tell me what you request!

I owe your old man!

Your grandfather talked me
into being a cop!

He used to walk
the toughest beat in Boston.

All he carried was a rolled-up newspaper!

He still carries it.

Until this came, I was a desperate man

faced with two choices...

Retirement or murdering you.

Gee, I don't know what to say.

Fortunately, you don't
have to say anything.

The Police Commissioner
said it for both of us.

Congratulations, Sleigh.

You're assigned to
special duty with Sûreté.

Sûreté? Me?

Paris, France?

There must be some mistake.

Oh, undoubtedly.

I trust you'll bring this error
to the Commissioner's attention.

I considered it.

But then I remembered
the immortal words of Theodore Doppler,

the Goose Bay Strangler,
whose death sentence

was commuted two minutes
before they pulled the switch.

"Never look a gift horse in the mouth."

Bon voyage, Sleigh.

My bag.

Hey, business is booming
since Clouseau disappeared, huh?

Yeah. My books show
an increase of 18% since February.

Gambling accounted for half a billion.

Nearly double last year.

You think that's good?

Wait'll you hear the rundown
on drugs and prostitution.

Hold it a second.
It don't take a genius to know

that when Clouseau isn't around,
business flourishes.

Still hard to believe.
You ever meet the guy?

Yeah, I met him once.
He acted like a real idiot.

Facts are facts.

If this American detective
is as good as they say he is,

we're gonna have Clouseau
right back in our laps.

Maybe Clouseau isn't just missing.

Yeah. Maybe he's dead.

Can't take that chance.

So what do we do?

We get rid of the American.

I'll call Galucci in Chicago,
have him put out a contract.

Trans World Airlines
StarStream, Flight 24...

For Chicago and Dayton...

Will depart from Gate 39.

Passengers may proceed to the gate area
for check-in.

Trans World Airlines
StarStream, Flight 24...

For Chicago and Dayton...

Will depart from Gate 39.

Passengers may proceed to the gate area
for check-in.

Excuse me, please, but where I check in?

- Check in?
- Check in.

Right over there.

How did it happen?

We don't know. He fell from a balcony.

Never got a shot at him.

When does this Sergeant Sleigh land?

11:20 tomorrow morning. TWA.

- You want us to hit him at the airport?
- Right.

Ray, this time no slip-ups.

It's very nice to see you.

We've been waiting for you.

Yes, Commissioner?

Yes, quite remarkable.

It seems the computer certainly picked
the right man for the job.

Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.


Detective Sleigh has arrived.

Show him in.

Detective Sergeant Clifton Sleigh.

How is he, Doctor?

He'll be here for a few weeks,
but he's very lucky.

We just got him in time.

He could have choked to death
on that goldfish.

Can I see him?

Yes, but don't stay too long.
He's very tired.


I won't stay long.

I wish I could say the same.

Is there anything I can do for you?

Are you in much pain?

My leg hurts, but my throat is killing me.

You nearly choked to death on a goldfish.

Where is he?

I don't know. I don't think they kept it.

Not the fish! Detective Sleigh!

He waited around
until he heard you were all right,

then he went over to
Clouseau's apartment.

But he said he'd be back
to see you this evening.


He said he wanted to make it up to you

by solving the case as quickly as possible.

You know, François,

I have a horrible feeling
we are seeing history repeat itself.

What do you mean?

When they were pulling out the goldfish,

I remember thinking,

"Did Clouseau have
any relatives in the States?"

You mean... Oh, but that's impossible.

You programmed the computer yourself.

Compared to me, I'm afraid,

Baron Frankenstein was a quack.

Oh, God! Oh, God!

Inspector Clouseau Museum.

This is Balls. Is this Cato?

No. This is Sumo the night janitor.

Mr. Cato is in South America.

- Merde!
- I am not giving you any merde.

Where's the money?

I don't know anything
about any money he owes you.

If you want to get in touch with him,

he can be reached at the Rio Hilton.

More merde!

And the same to you, Professor.

Allow me to introduce myself.

I am Cato.

I thought you said your name was Sumo

and that Cato was in South America.

Only where Professor Balls is concerned.

Inspector Clouseau disappeared
owing the Professor 4,000 francs.

And he keeps threatening
to close down the museum

and take back all his disguises.

I'd give him something on account,

but I only make enough to pay the utilities
and keep myself in Ying Gow San.

I don't believe I know the dish.

It's my girlfriend.

I'm sorry I attacked you.

You thought I was from
the collection agency.

No. I know who you are.

I was hoping I could beat you up so badly

you might give up trying
to find Inspector Clouseau.

Why don't you want me to find him?

Because he used to beat me up so badly
I kept wishing he would disappear.

There's an old Chinese saying...

You speak Chinese?


Well, the nearest English
equivalent would be,

"Never look a gift horse in the mouth."

Would you like some tea?

No. I've got to crack this case,
and I'm on a tight schedule.

Tell me about this Professor Balls.

He used to make all of
the Inspector's disguises.

As a matter of fact,

he was the last one
to see the Inspector alive.

You don't say.

That's him.

Can I help you?

Yes. I'd like to see Professor Balls.

There is someone here
to see the Professor.

Professor Balls?

Do we know each other?


I'm a police officer.

I was in Zagreb visiting
my half-brother at the monastery.

I only want to ask you a few questions.

Nevertheless, I have a perfect alibi.

For what?

For practically anything.

I am a law-abiding citizen. Right, Cunny?

My little friend here will back me up.

Right, Cunny?
All right, Cunny, that's enough.

All right, all right! Down!

He's been with me for 20 years.

Sometimes he thinks I'm his girlfriend.

He is also the best fitter in Paris, monsieur.

In all of France, for that matter.

He can whip you up a very nice suit
with two pair of pants while you wait.

- What do you say?
- No, you see, I'm investigating...

Of course you are investigating.

You are a policeman!

I knew that the moment
you walked into my emporium...

Your courage, your alertness,
the way your eyes take in everything.

I immediately said to myself,

"Balls, this is a policeman's policeman."

- Thirty-two.
- Thirty-two.

- Twenty-two.
- Twenty-two.

Six... Four... Twelve.

Yes, well, I have been servicing
the police all of my life, monsieur.

Some of my best customers
have been the police.

Chief Inspector Clouseau himself

used to come into my shop here
three or four nights a week

just browsing, finding an odd nose,
a unique goiter, a carbuncle,

perhaps something in a nice hump.

Yes, I personally designed und executed
all of his famous disguises.

Take, for example,
his last and greatest disguise.

He was due to pick it up
on the day he disappeared.

It probably would have saved his life.

Behold, the Instant Companion Kit.

How many times have you been on a case

and discovered you were being followed?

How many times have you wished
that you had just one diversion

that would confuse your pursuer,
allowing you time to escape?

Well, here we have the perfect diversion.

Life-size, und instantly inflatable.

One switch of the valve,

and you are checking into a hotel
as man and wife.

Two twists, ménage à trois, ja?

As Chief Inspector Clouseau,
the king of disguises,

said to me when we tested the prototype,

"Balls, as disguises go,
the Instant Companion Kit

"is without peers."

I can let you have it for... 6,000 francs.


Four. Get the doggy.

And to round out the ensemble,

I throw in the Instant Companion Pet
for All Seasons.


Behold, here are little wheels
concealed in his paws.

Every 30 feet, he barks and goes ca-ca.


All right, 3,000, including the leash
and two extra cans of ca-ca.

How about 1,500 for the entire ensemble
and all the ca-ca?

I've got to get this stuff off my hands.

That makes three attempts
on my life in two days.

I am lucky. I have only had one.

I can't tell you how sorry I am.

That makes us even.

I can't tell you how sorry I am.

I guess I was just too gung-ho.

Gung who?

It's an American expression.

It means... "All fired up,"
full of spirit and determination.

Do you know what this opportunity
means to me?

I'm a third-generation police officer.

My grandfather and my father
were captains.

Your family must be very proud of you.

They still can't believe it.

Neither can I.

Me, out of all those millions.

My grandfather tells everyone
it's a practical joke.

- I'm sorry.
- Oh, don't be.

This is my chance.

If I succeed,
then I've proved once and for all

that I'm a credit to the force,
that I'm a Sleigh.

Well, credit to the force,
where do you go from here?

Well, since Inspector Clouseau disappeared

while investigating
the theft of the Pink Panther,

I thought I'd visit the scene of the crime.

- Then you're off to Lugash?
- I leave on the next plane.

You leave? Good. I mean, good luck.

Thank you.

You know, I just want to tell you
how grateful I am...

What time does he arrive?

The 1:30 plane from Paris.

You realize what happens
if he finds that cursed diamond?

You'll have to return the money
to the insurance company.

And I've already spent it.

What's the alternative?

Make sure he doesn't find the diamond.

Well, obviously the first thing to do
is to figure out how the thief got in.

I don't think we've got
a thing to worry about.

That's what they thought about Clouseau.

He suspects Sir Charles Litton,
the notorious Phantom.

He's booked the evening flight
for the south of France.

The south of France
should be beautiful this time of year.

Unless you happen to
fall off the Grande Corniche.

I just had word that
he's arrived in the south of France.

When he left Nice airport,

he was followed by two members
of the Lugash secret police.

It appears that President Haleesh

would rather have the insurance money
than the diamond.

When you take into account that the mob
has already tried to kill him three times

to stop him from finding
Inspector Clouseau...

Chief Inspector.

I don't think that we've got
anything to worry about.

Still, all things considered,
I'm glad you had the surgery.

Even though you're
temporarily incapacitated,

in the long run, I'm sure
it will be more than worth the time.

Sure, pal.

Tell him he's here.

He's here.

- Sergeant Sleigh.
- Yes, sir.

Let me introduce you
to my nephew George.

- George.
- How do you do?

- Hugo, chair.
- Mr. Chair.

And my wife.

Hello. How do you do?


So... You're investigating
the Clouseau case.


- Allow me, sir.
- Thank you.

You wouldn't by any chance be related?

To Inspector Clouseau? No, but...

But it's funny you should ask me that.

The president of Lugash
asked me the same thing.


What about a drink, Sergeant?

Oh, no, thank you.

Darling, the Sergeant's on duty.

It's not that.

Then what about a nice cup of tea?

Actually, it's a lot better
for you than coffee.

It's got about
half the amount of caffeine in it.

I'm sure that's true, but I'd simply die
without my morning cup of coffee.

Anyway, what were you saying, Sergeant?


You were saying about the investigation
of Inspector Clouseau.


Allow me, sir.

You wanted to know
if Clouseau questioned me

about the theft of the Pink Panther.

- Yes.
- Yes.

He questioned me.

He did?

Oh, yes. He questioned me
three days after the robbery,

on the third of August,
to be precise, at 1:15.

He stayed for lunch.

And fell in the pool.

But why in the world would he think

that you would know anything
about the theft of the Pink Panther?

Oh, come on, George.

I mean, I'm sure the sergeant
is totally up-to-date

on my somewhat checkered career.

Right, Sergeant?

I mean, after all,
a man who for almost 30 years

has been thought to be
the notorious Phantom,

the cleverest jewel thief in all of Europe.

But Uncle Charles, it was never proven
that you were the Phantom.

No, nor that you took over where I left off.

But, George, you can understand
why he was suspicious

and why he wanted to question me.

Oh, sure.

And then, when he was satisfied
that I was completely innocent

and couldn't possibly have had
anything to do with it...

Because we were in Barbados
with George at the time of the robbery.

...then Inspector Clouseau
took off for Valencia.


Well, that leaves me
with just one question.

You said Valencia?

It's in Spain.

That Valencia!

Thank you very much.


- Good-bye.
- Sir Charles.

Lady Litton.

He fell in the pool!

You're kidding.

You're sure you don't want
a bathrobe or something?

Oh, no. I've been enough trouble.

It's a warm day.
I can dry off on my way to Spain.

Well, good-bye, Sergeant.


- Bye-bye, Sergeant.
- Bye-bye.

What do you think he'll find in Valencia?

Not very much,
unless he gets his glasses fixed.

Take me to the nearest hotel.

I thought you spoke English.


Don't get too close.

That's him.

Holy merde!

I'm allez-ing as fast as I can, man!

You said you didn't speak any English!

Don't you know that French cab drivers
are notoriously unreliable?

You sound like an American to me.

Pick, pick, pick.

Damn! Who the hell's trying to kill you?

I don't know!

Maybe they're trying to kill me!
Who do I know that wants to kill me?

No, it couldn't be my wife.
She doesn't drive.

Well, whoever it is,
you've got to try and lose 'em!

When somebody's shooting at you,
you gotta do better than try!

Come on, come on, come on...


Something to eat?


Beer, please.

Deux beers, s'il vous plaît.

Lovely here, isn't it?

It's a filthy habit.


No. Let's go.

Let's go, Shirley. Come on.

No, I can't.

Come on. Let's go.

Say good-bye.


What? You want to get a room here?

You do?

- I speak English.
- Good. Do you have a room?

For how many persons?

Just me and the little woman.

How long are you planning to stay?

Just... One night.

200 francs. Checkout time is 10:00 a.m.

Told you not to mix your drinks.

The bridal suite.

- Do we have a bridal suite?
- We have now.

Have a pleasant stay...

Mr. Smith.

Thank you.

Shirley! I'm sorry.

Yes, this is Monsieur Smith.

I would like to make a call to Paris.
St. Mary's Hospital.

- Paris?
- Yes.

- St. Mary's Hospital.
- Chief Inspector Dreyfus.

- Chief Inspector Dreyfus.
- And it's important!

Oui, Monsieur Smith.

- Hurry!
- Right away.

Excuse me.

I'm interested in Monsieur Smith.


Hello, this is Sergeant Sleigh.

Oh, yes. Where the devil are you?

I don't know the name of the hotel...

But somebody's following me.

They tried to shoot me on the way to Nice.

Oh, my God. Hold on, I'll be right with you.

Hold on a sec. I've got to put the cork in.

What cork?

What do you mean? Hello?

Hello? Are you there?


Why don't you answer?

I'm sorry, but things are
getting a little out of hand.

Now, where were we?

Yes, the location of the hotel.

Well, it's in the...

South of France...

And it's on a small street...

Look, I don't know what the point of this is,

because even if I knew where I was,

you're there, and I'm...

- I'm dizzy.
- Dizzy?

- I'm really dizzy.
- Why are you dizzy?

Must be the gas.

Gas? Why don't you open the window?

That's a good idea.

That's better.


Are you there?

The explosion severely
traumatized your left eardrum,

but if you are careful
and avoid all loud noises,

partial hearing should be
restored in a few days.

What about the ringing?

I'm afraid that might take longer.

It's very loud.
I keep wanting to answer the telephone.

Just take the medicine I prescribe
and plenty of rest.

All right. Thank you, Doctor.

What if I can't distinguish the difference

between the ringing in my ear
and the phone?

That could be a problem.


It may not last much longer.

I couldn't stand it if it did.

Where is Sleigh?

On his way to Valencia.


A tip, from Sir Charles.

There! It's getting worse!

He just checked in.

Very convenient. Right down the hall. 311.

Not in the hotel.

When he goes out tonight,
all those fireworks out there,

nobody's gonna notice a little shooting.

We can't miss.

Yeah. But just to make sure,
I've hired a backup.

Mr. Chong.

Who the hell is Mr. Chong?

He's a ninja,

the most powerful human
killing machine in the world.

Visualize energy as a gathering storm.

It flows to the hand.

The hand consigns it to the primary object.

As the primary object is destroyed,

it is consigned to the secondary object,

and so on...

Like an atomic chain reaction.

I will demonstrate.

We have a problem.

Sergeant Sleigh has arrived in Valencia.

I understand.

One moment.

Sergeant Sleigh wishes to speak with you.

He's here?

No, he's on the other line.

Tell him I'll be right with him.

Listen, he's just called.
I've got him holding on the other line.

- Not a word!
- Of course.


Chief Vigila here.
What can I do for you, Sergeant?

I'm investigating
the disappearance of Inspector Clouseau.


Wait a minute. I'm sorry, I can't hear you.
I'm gonna close the window.


I'm going to close the window.


What are you talking about?

Okay, I closed it.

Thank you for your cooperation.
I'll be right over.

Will you hold him, please?

You should be ashamed of yourself,
young man.

Where's the police station?

Over there, by the palazzo.

Thank you!

Don't lose him!

Go around that way!

Come on!


Hi. Hey, you're the girl from the elevator.


What are you doing?


Is anything the matter?

Look, you're not gonna believe this,

but some men are trying to kill me.

- You're right.
- I am?

I'm not gonna believe you.

No, seriously.
They were just shooting at me outside.

- Look, are you alone?
- Yes.

- Have you got a table?
- Yes.

Would you mind being
my Instant Companion?

Your instant what?

Look, normally I wouldn't impose,
but my other one blew up.

I'll explain everything to you on the way.
Where's your table?

- Do you see them?
- No.

Well, if you see them, kiss me.

Kiss you?

Well, they're not looking for a couple.

That's the Instant Companion theory.

Do you know Professor Balls?


Professor Balls.

- Do you see them?
- One of 'em.

- Where?
- Over by the door.

Don't see him now.

Strange. He's gone.

Are you sure you saw them?

Of course. That's why I kissed you.

Of course.

Wait a minute.

You don't think I pretended
to see that guy just so I could kiss you!

The thought did occur to me.

There he is again!

- Do you see him?
- He's gone.

I don't believe it.

I saw him both times.

You don't believe me, do you?

Does it matter?

Well, whether you saw the man or not,

I quite enjoyed it.

- You did?
- Didn't you?

Well, now that you mention it, I guess I did.


Think I see him again.


See what I mean?

I certainly do.

I'm kissing you,
and I don't even know your name.

Don't worry about it, sweetheart.
You're kissing a dead duck.


Look, she doesn't have
anything to do with this.

That's a shame.

Excuse me.

Listen, I still don't know your name.


Catch me, I'm gonna faint.

I'm coming!

I'm going!

Don't worry about a thing.
I've got these guys just where I want 'em.

Look out!

Oh, no!

Now I'm mad!

Now I'm hurt!

Sweetheart, are you all right?

Come on, let's get out of here.


Oh, boy.

Oh, no!

Wait. This way.

- Why?
- I have to see the chief of police.

- No!
- Why not?

I can't explain.

Good-bye, Clifton.


He hasn't shown up yet.

He just went into the hotel.

I'll be there. Ten minutes.


Yes, this is Sergeant Sleigh in Room 311.

Can you tell me the name of
the young lady in Room 310?

- Juleta Shane.
- Thank you very much.

I knocked on your door.

I told the bellboy I was your sister.

I don't think he believed me.

Did I wake you?

No, why?

Well, you're wearing my pajamas.

Only the top.

Does it bother you?


I charged the champagne to your room.
I hope you don't mind.

I don't mind at all.

Here's to the rest of the night
with an option on tomorrow.

I can't stay.

See, I had a very important meeting
with the chief of police...

I couldn't let you just run off like that.
I had to find you.

But... Now that I have found you,
I have to keep that meeting.

I'm a...

I'm a police officer.


And I'm working on a case,

a very important case,

and I think I'm getting close to the answer.

I think that's why those men were...

Were trying to kill me tonight.

By the way, where did you
learn to fight like that?

I was raised in the East End of London,

where you had to learn how to fight
if you wanted to keep your integrity.

I'll be back as soon as I can.

I won't be here.

Why not?

Because I won't.

I'm touchy about throwing myself
at a man and then being rejected.

But I'm not rejecting you.

- Then stay.
- I can't.

But I want you.

Oh, God.


Couldn't you just hold out for
maybe half an hour?


Twenty-five minutes. I'll run.

I can't wait.

But you don't understand.
This is my big chance.

Don't blow it.

No, I mean to prove once and for all
that I'm a good cop.

And I want you to prove it too.

I mean, to my family...

To Lieutenant Palmyra
and the 28th Precinct...

My goofy grandfather
and his rolled-up newspaper,

and my father's medals,

and his citation from the governor
for bravery.

You don't understand.

Oh, my God, I sound like Stan Laurel.

I've got to go.

I hope you're here when I get back.


Here's to being here when you get back.

I'll drink to that.

What's wrong? Juleta?

Oh, my God.

Get a doctor! It's an emergency!

Room 311. And send the police!

Probably a powerful tranquilizer.

She'll recover,
but she'll be unconscious for hours.

I recognize her.

She's the Countess Chandra's
personal secretary.

Her name's Juleta Shane.

Her name is Julie Morgan.

She has been with the Countess
for seven years.

- Who's this Countess...
- I ask the questions, señor Sleigh.

Sergeant Sleigh.

Is that "Slay," as in "kill"?

No, it's "Sleigh," as in "one-horse open."

Why did you shoot her?

I didn't. I'm a New York City
police officer working with the Sûreté.

Yes, investigating the Clouseau case.

Yes, they said you would say this.

- You have my identification.
- Excellent forgeries.

Look, I can clear this up
with one phone call.

After you have answered some questions.

I've told you everything.

Bring him along.

What kind of tranquilizer is it?

I don't know.

Come on.

Get out of the way!

Hey, come on! Move, move!

I'm a police officer! I'm a police officer!

Hey, come on! Move! Move it!

Hey, what are you doing?

After him! After him!


Fool, you've lost him! This way!

Good evening, Sergeant.

Hello, Mr. Litton.

Can I give you a lift?

As a matter of fact, yes.

Hop in.

Good morning, George.

Look what I found.

Sergeant, you're up early.

I haven't been to bed yet.

Come aboard.

Well. You look like
you need some breakfast.

Have a little pineapple or something.
Darling, you remember Sergeant Sleigh.

Of course I do.

- Hello, do sit down.
- Thank you.

- Would you like a cup of coffee?
- Oh, yes, please.

- I'll get that.
- Thank you.

Obviously, those are not your handcuffs,
so you don't have a key.

Darling, may I borrow your manicure set?

- Oh, yes, darling.
- Thank you so much.

I'll time you on that, Uncle Charles.

All right. This should do it.

- Here you are.
- Thank you.

I feel I owe you an explanation.

You see, there was this young lady
who said her name was Juleta Shane.

Juleta. What a pretty name.

Yes, but her real name was Julie Morgan.

- I know a Julie Morgan.
- Didn't she work for Countess Chandra?


Twelve seconds, Uncle Charles.

Oh, stop, George. That's not fair.
You're rushing him.

Yes. Don't rattle me, George.

Anyway, somebody shot her.


- With a dart.
- With a dart?

- A tranquilizer.
- Imagine.

Oh, my God, it's beyond me.

Yes. It was somebody
in one of those big heads.

Big heads?

Yes, they had an air gun,

and just as we were about to
drink some champagne...

Pop! Right in the back of the neck.

- Right.
- There we are.

28 seconds, Uncle Charles.
You're getting a little rusty.

Well, all right, George.
You try the other one.

- All right.
- I'll time you.

- Terrific.
- Ready? Go.

I really appreciate this.

And you're not aiding
and abetting a criminal.

Thank God for that.

- You see, I was falsely accused.
- Of course.

And now it's imperative
I find this Countess Chandra.

Didn't she own an exclusive
health spa in Majorca?

- Still does.
- Ten seconds, George.

Don't rattle me.

Majorca. I've got to get to Majorca.

We're going there, on our way.

And we'll be very happy to give you a lift.

- Really?
- Yes.

- Gosh, that's terrific!
- I go there every year.

Charles won't try it. He was
in the infantry... You know, all that mud.


Well, how'd I do?

Not bad. I just beat you.
Sure you won't have a pineapple?


Thank you, Countess. I'm very grateful.

It's been my pleasure.

We have a problem.

Julie's in the hospital.

The man who Chief Vigila says shot her
with the tranquilizing dart has escaped.

Chief Vigila claims the man
was impersonating Sergeant Sleigh.

Doesn't make sense.
Julie knew what Sleigh looked like.

Sometimes it is possible
to look like one person,

but actually be another.

My God!

It's fantastic!

Oh, darling!

Don't kiss him too hard.
His lips might fall off.


Just a little surgical humor.

Here, have a look.


Is that the Litton yacht?

You can't see the spa from here.
It's about a quarter of a mile inland.

Sure would like to case the layout.

That won't be easy.

Have you tried that?

No. It looks like fun.

No, looks like suicide.

Oh, no!

Are you all right?

Yes. Yes, I think I am, thank you.

I'm Countess Chandra.

Sergeant Sleigh.

- Lucky you landed in the mud.
- Yes. It's hot mud.

Volcanic. It's good for the skin.

Doesn't do much for the clothes, I'm afraid.

- Would you like to rinse off?
- Yes, I think I would.

This way.

Straight ahead. To your left.

Big step.

I'll get you a towel.

I'm investigating
the disappearance of Inspector Clouseau.

You just missed Chief Vigila.

He says you're an imposter.

Oh, he does, does he? Well, I'm not.

And I want some answers.

Julie Morgan, also known as
Juleta Shane, knows who I am.

I'm so glad Julie's going to be all right.

How bizarre! A tranquilizing dart!

Who do you think shot her?

I thought you might know.

- Why me?
- She works for you.

Lots of people work for me.

What Julie does in her own time
is her own business.

My God.

Yes... I know that.


Yes, it is me.

I'm just checking the bar
for the bar fleas, you know.

Swine step!

You really should do something
about your architect,

you know, my darling.

- Darling?
- Yes, my darling?

You're smoking the wrong end.

Yes, I know that.

You don't have to tell me
I'm smoking the wrong end.

Do you know why
I am smoking the wrong end?

No, darling, but I'm sure
you've got a very good reason.


I am smoking the wrong end
because I have a very good reason.

Are you all right?

Yes, of course I'm all right.
I'm examining the roof.

Can I give you a hand?

Thank you.

Obviously you are not a smoker.

I'm sorry.

Do you realize you are
wearing my ice bucket?

I'm sorry. It's stuck.

Yes, well, that is no problem.
I am an expert in these matters.

Bend down.

Bend over.

Here, let me help.

Yes, it is a question of leverage.

Yes, that is better.

It goes with the suit, you know.

Oh, by the way, we have not
been properly introduced.

You of course know who I am?

Sergeant Sleigh.

No, I am not Sergeant Sleigh.

No, I am Sergeant Sleigh.

Oh, yes. Now we are getting somewhere.

- Shall we all have a drink?
- An excellent idea.

I will have my usual.

A Kahlúa and root beer.

I'll just have the root beer.

You do not know what you are missing.

It is a combination
that makes a real thirst-quencher.

I'm a teetotaler.

You total the tea.
I thought you were a police sergeant.

I am. Before I left New York,
I read you were making another movie.

He had two weeks off.

Yes, I have two weeks off, you know,

and when I have the time,
I come here to take the waters.

Very cleansing.

I enjoy a good cleanse.

I'm afraid there's no more ice.

That's okay.

Well, here's to
your investigation, Sergeant.

To Inspector Clouseau.

Chief Inspector.

That felt good.

Have you ever seen this man before?

No, I have never seen this man
before in my life. Never.

- It's Inspector Clouseau.
- Chief Inspector.

- That's Inspector Clouseau?
- Chief Inspector!

Do you know him?

- Yes!
- What?

Well, he came here about a year ago,
but he said his name was Gino Rossi.

He wanted the name
of a good plastic surgeon,

so I recommended
Dr. Prosper Stang, of Madrid.


Guess that just about does it.

It does?

Yes. There is one more thing, though.

Could I have your autograph?

It's for my grandfather.

- Hello, oui.
- Hello, François.

Oh, it's you!

Good afternoon. Where are you?

I am in agony.

I want you to arrange for a hospital plane

to carry me back to Paris immediately!

And ask my psychiatrist

if he can see me five days a week,
twice a day!

Have you heard from Sergeant Sleigh?

He called about five minutes ago
from a health spa.

Health spa?

Oui. He asked me to check on
a man named Gino Rossi,

then he said he was leaving for Madrid,

to question a plastic surgeon named Stang.

Yes, well, good-bye, Sergeant,

and don't be a stranger, huh?

- Thank you.
- See you at the movies, huh?



Did that swine architect of yours
move that door by any chance?

There goes the last of our problems.

- Yes.
- Come on.

Where are we going?

Let's celebrate.
I haven't seen it for such a long time.

Well, I have not been too well, you know?

Not that! The Pink Panther!

I was just checking.

Oh, my God!

It's gone!

Swine Phantom!

I interrogated Dr. Stang,

who admitted that he had operated
on Clouseau's face.

This is what he looked like
after the operation.

He stole the Pink Panther,
had his face changed,

and then called himself Gino Rossi.

And you are sure he's dead?

- Well, according to...
- The Valencia...

Go ahead.

- You wanted to say something?
- No, no. After you.

- You're sure?
- Yes, please.

All I wanted to say is that
the Valencia police

identified the man in the photograph

as a John Doe who had been shot,

and whose corpse was found
washed up on the beach.

Obviously killed for the diamond.


Should we have the body exhumed,
just to make sure?


I have compared Clouseau's fingerprints
with those of the dead man,

and they are identical.

Oh, yes. There is no doubt
that Clouseau is dead.

A good cop gone bad.

Yes, well...

You've certainly proved
that you are a good cop, Sergeant,

a credit to the profession.

On behalf of the President
and the people of France,

I congratulate you. Good-bye.

Thank you, sir.


Good-bye, Mr. Rossi,
alias Chief Inspector Clouseau.

Peace at last!

Well, bon voyage, Sergeant. Well done.

- You should come again sometime.
- Thank you.

Help! Help!

I'm burning! Hurry up!

Get the hose!

The hose!


Hurry up! Pull!


Help! Hurry up!

Hit the water!





Do you recommend Countess Chandra's?

Definitely. In fact, I'd love to
go back there and spend more time.

By the way, I seem to be missing a glove.

"Always leave something
for something," is my motto.

What's yours?

Never look a gift horse in the mouth.

I'll drink to that.