Cupid's Arrow (2010) - full transcript

Love. I mean, as in romantic love.

That's what we're gonna
study today, class.

We're gonna ask ourselves
that age-old question,

where exactly does love come from?

Now, most of us in this classroom
have experienced some degree of love.

At least I hope you have.

But if not, I'm sure you've been exposed
to the expressions of love

in poems, songs, plays, books, movies,

in celebrations, in tragedies,
or passionate dance.

However, no matter what we've experienced,

or how beautifully
it's been described to us,



like some mysterious force of the spirit,

no one has ever explained what ignites
those passionate flames of love.

At least they haven't
explained it scientifically.

Could it be a peculiar way
our potential mate walks or talks?

Or maybe, just maybe,

it has nothing to do with them at all.

So, somehow, Cupid smiles upon us

and shoots his arrow through our heart,

and... we get the reward.

Any questions?

No? No. Shocking.

All right, folks, get out there
and get that reward!

'Cause that's what it's all about, right?

And I will see you on Thursday.



And Friday.

And every day, 'cause I love you.

Go get them.

Professor, he's a little odd,
don't you think?

Who, Grimes? No, he seems normal.
What are you talking about?

I don't know. He's not very professional,
and kind of goofy.

You say "goofy" like that's a bad thing.

I'm goofy.

That's different.

You're my boyfriend, not my professor.

I mean, making fun of animals having sex?

Speaking of which,

how about we go back to your place
for some of that mad monkey love?

Shut up.

Miss Ellis?

Yeah?

Can I speak to you for a second, please?

Sure.

You need to call me.

-I do, do I?
-Yeah, you do.

You have a name?

You'll learn everything about me tonight,

over drinks, my place.

Well, whoever you are, I'm sorry,

but I'm already involved with somebody.

Oh, of course.

I'm sure you are involved
with someone else,

but that's only because
you haven't been with me yet.

I'll take that.

Listen, asshole, I don't know
what you've been smoking,

but I'll tell you right now,

there is no way
I'll ever hook up with you.

I wouldn't be too sure about that.

Sorry about the cock block, bro.

Hey, man, she's all yours.

What'd you need, Professor Grimes?

Please don't call me that,
"Professor Grimes".

No, that puts way too much pressure on me
to actually know a lot of stuff.

Billy's fine.

Okay, Billy.

I see you submitted an application

for teacher's assistant
in this department.

Aren't you a first year?

Yeah, I know it's a long shot and all,

being a first year, but I thought I'd...

No, no, no, that's okay. I...

I just recently transferred
to this university myself.

So, technically, I'm a first year as well.

And I like first year assistants

because they don't know enough
to know that I don't know enough.

Do you have a second,
can you to talk me in my office?

Just a second.

Yeah, I have a minute.

Come on.

Okay, so that would basically
make us both outsiders,

which, you know, it could be a good thing.

At least for my research.

Considering it's primarily, you know,
thinking outside of the box,

at least as far as
the neurological community is concerned,

What is it you're researching?

That is information that is for me
and my research team,

which I hope to have you a part of soon.

But before we can do that,

I need to get
your inoculation shots updated.

Inoculation shots?

Does your research have something to do
with some new infection or, like, virus

I should I be worried about?

Not really.

No, this is more, like, insurance stuff.

Bureaucratic red tape. That sort of thing.

You know, you have to have
your health records updated, right?

TB, hepatitis, that sort of thing.

Anyway, I want you to go down
to the health clinic tomorrow morning.

You better get there kind of early
because it gets very crowded.

Gets clamoring for free flu vaccines

and, you know, birth control pills,
that sort of thing.

Go ask for a guy named Miller, okay?

He's gonna take you
right to the front of the line.

Who is Miller?

Miller is my rather rotund assistant.

How many assistants do you have?

Pretty much just Miller.

Yeah, but he's pretty advanced
in his training.

So, I've got him handling
most of the ugly stuff.

Like giving out the shots.

Yeah, like giving out the shots.

You know, I know it would be
a great opportunity

to work with you, professor.

Really.

But I would really have to know more
about your research

before I could commit.

I'm sorry, but I have got to go.

That's okay. I understand.

I mean, committing all your spare time

to a project that you know
absolutely nothing about,

I doubt I can do that either.

But I will tell you this.

This project is gonna make this planet
a much better place to live in.

That's a promise.

So, in case you don't get
any better offers, or whatever,

you take this.

Call me.

Oh, Ms. Ellis.

I'm just a little nervous about this, Sam.

That's all I'm saying.

Alan, no one forced you
to accept my offer to move in.

I know that.

Then what are you whining about?

I don't know, I...

I abandoned
a really sweet living situation.

I wouldn't call sleeping
on a dorm room floor

with three guys addicted
to beer and video games,

"a really sweet living situation".

Yeah, it had its advantages.

Advantages being what?

Waking up next to them
instead of waking up next to me?

No, course not.

All I'm just saying is, you know,
it allowed for us to have a place to go

be by ourselves every now and then.
That's all.

Well, I'm sure your ex-roommates
will let you visit.

Sam...

this just seems kind of rushed,
that's all I'm saying.

I mean, are we being rational about this?

Are you a hundred percent sure?

A hundred percent sure
about living with you full time?

No, I'm not.

And since when does love
have to be rational?

It'd be kind of boring, don't you think?

Anyway, the point is...

the point is...

I am so deeply in love with you,

and this is so odd for me
to say this to anybody, but...

I'm just so incredibly immersed
in your soul,

your aura, your whatever,
that when we are apart, it...

it's like my world is a little darker,
a little dimmer,

a little more... well, lonely.

Really?

Yeah.

I mean, you said you felt the same way
about me, didn't you?

Yeah, but, damn, I didn't...

I didn't put it as cool as you just did.

So, forget being a hundred percent sure,

and stop having
these stupid frat boy panic attacks,

and grow up.

And just enjoy us being together,
while we are together.

Okay?

Okay.

You know, who knows?

I might get sick of your cologne,

and throw your ass back on that floor
with your buddies.

-Really?
-Yeah.

You know, and then you'll miss out
on the best part of moving in with me.

Oh, yeah?

What's the best part
of moving in with you?

Well, why don't you
take a guess, smart guy?

Mad monkey love?

Young man, you just got an A.

What?

What do you mean "what"?

Something's bothering you. What is it?

How do you know something's bothering me?

Because whenever
something's bothering you,

you just lie there looking at the ceiling.

Really?

Yeah, really.

So, you want to tell me?

I got an offer today
to be a teacher's assistant.

Wait, isn't that supposed to be
a good thing?

I mean, you've been hoping for that
for your résumé.

Yeah, but it's with Professor Grimes.

So what's wrong with that?
He seems pretty cool.

Not really.

I don't know, there's something...
something I don't trust about him.

He gives me this weird vibe

like... like there's something else
going on,

something... something not so nice.

Well, maybe you're just scared
of the unknown.

I mean, do you always have to know
one hundred percent

what someone's motives are?

I mean, everybody has got
some kind of mystery to them.

When did you get so deep?

Sorry, I know how you prefer
your men dumb and all that.

Well, yeah, I like them dumb and cute.

So, I guess one out of two ain't bad.

Excuse me! Excuse me... Hello!
Excuse me. Hello... Excuse me!

Shit, I don't believe this.

I just... I just ran into this long line
at the clinic,

and I have to meet Jeff in half an hour.

Hey, Erika.

Come here. I'll take you.

I'll call you back.

How you doing?

Can you please not talk to me?

Oh, this shot is not administered
in the arm.

You've got to be kidding me.

I don't kid when it comes to science.

Well, listen, you are not putting that
in my ass.

I bet I'm the first guy
you ever told that to.

Check this picture out.

This is what the virus is capable of doing
to your genitalia and anus.

So, turn around, drop your pants,

and bend over the table.

Hi. Do you know where I can find
someone named Miller?

-Did that hurt?
-Yes, it fucking hurts!

Oh, sorry, wrong cheek.

What do you mean wrong...

-Hi! Are you Miller?
-That's me.

Professor Grimes sent me.

Oh, yeah, you must be Sam.

Yeah, he just called,

he said you decided to be
his assistant with me.

-Yeah.
-Cool.

Hey, can you give me a minute?
I need to finish up in here first.

Oh, we're not done yet.

-What?
-There's one more procedure.

What? No way! My ass is on fire.

Oh, we'll talk about that later.

But this is for your nose.

My nose?

Sure you don't want me
to take you back to the clinic.

No, it's just a reaction
to the inoculations.

It'll pass.

Is your arm still sore from the shot?

Not as much as my head,
like around my sinuses.

Your sinuses?

Yeah, they gave me
some kind of nasal spray.

What for?

I don't know.

He said it was a new procedure.

He was kind of creepy,
I didn't really care,

I just wanted to get out of there.

You'll be okay.

Are you sure?

I'm here. I'm not leaving you.

-Promise?
-I promise.

So, when I didn't see you last week,

I thought you'd probably changed
your mind or something.

I was kind of sick.

Nothing serious, I hope.

Not at all.

I think it was just a mild reaction
to the nasal spray.

ChemiTrope?

Wow, they're like the largest
medical research company on the planet.

Are you involved with them?

Not officially.

You know, they're always trying
to get me caught up

in their "corporate BS",
but don't worry about that right now.

Before we get started,

I just wanna make sure
we're clear on one thing.

You know, whatever takes place
here in the lab,

has to stay here in the lab.

Well, that's standard procedure,
Professor Grimes...

Billy.

Right, just making sure
we're on the same page.

Wow, this is quite a lab.

Pretty different
from the other ones on campus.

It works. You know, it does its job.

So, can I explain what I'm doing?

My research concerns love

and the scientific basis behind it.

Well, that's a lofty goal.

Yes, it is.

But I've been interested in what it is

that makes one person to fall in love

and another to not, you know,
that sort of thing.

If you could figure that out,

you'd be, like, the richest person
in the world.

It was that, but, you know,
to tell you the truth,

my relationships always end up
kind of sad, you know?

A little bit... pretty much like...
close to the people out there.

And I just...

wanted to figure out...

what that is, you know?

What is it that makes us choose
one partner?

Or what it is that chooses that for us.

That'd be nice to know.

It certainly would.

What about you? Are you in a relationship?

Yeah, I just started one.

And how is that going?

Great.

Just great?

Well, it's an incredibly
fantastic relationship.

You think it's gonna remain
incredibly fantastic forever?

I don't know.

Incredibly fantastic is a good start,
don't you think?

Certainly is.

And wouldn't it be cool if it remained
incredibly fantastic forever?

Or at least as long
as you choose it to be?

Yeah, that...

that would be pretty cool.

That would be very cool.

Okay.

I got to get to the library,
I got some research to do.

But why don't you
make yourself acquainted?

And, if you're not here when I get back,
I'll see you Friday.

Okay.

Okay.

Well, that would have been hot sex...

if I were a necrophiliac.

Sorry.

You wanna tell me what's going on?

Or rather, what's not going on?

I don't know.

I'm just not feeling it.

"It"? You're not feeling it?

What, our sex life
gets some kind of demotion

from mad monkey love to... to "it"?

Hey, sex runs hot and cold.

However, in my case, sex has been cold
for a long time now.

Even when I'm by myself,
I tend to fall asleep during...

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

I don't need that image
in my head right now.

My bad.

What about him?

Is he your type?

Well, he's tall, good-looking,

zero body fat.

No, not my type at all.

You see, the same rules apply
in the gay world.

Hotties like him hookup
with other hotties,

but non-hotties like me hook up with...

well, we hook up alone.

Thomas, how many times have I told you
about that out of your league stuff, man?

You just got to go for it. I always do.

I know, and I did, at the gym.

I said "hello",

but he must have some kind
of super gaydar,

and just said told me he was straight
and walked away.

So what, man?

Play the odds. Ask every hot guy you meet.

And someone will say yes.

Wait a minute.

Why should I take advice
on being confident from you?

A guy who's stressing over a girl
like some little schoolboy?

I mean, just one night Sam's not
in the mood for sex,

and you're all of a sudden
having a panic attack.

No, it wasn't that she was just not
in the mood for sex,

she didn't even respond to anything
that had to do with me,

it was like I was an unwelcome guest
or something.

Is it that time of the month?

No.

Trust me, that's never an issue with her.

I don't know I just get
this weird vibe like she's...

I don't know she's into someone else.

Great, now you are paranoid.

Well, I mean, she has been
spending a lot of time

helping one of her professors
with his research project.

Dude, listen to me,
you are totally falling apart here.

And I think it's because,
for the first time in your life,

you've made a big commitment to one girl,

and you're worried
you've made a big mistake.

Which leads to doubts,
which leads to suspicion

that she's... fucking her professor
or something.

You think she is?

Okay, before I lose
all respect for you as a man,

just do this.

Girls are big
into the whole nesting thing.

So, go home, clean the place up,

fix her a nice dinner,
and she'll be back to normal.

I can't cook.

Doesn't matter.

Order a takeout, then say you made it.

The point is, this is just a little bump
in the relationship road,

and you've got to learn how
to deal with it without getting paranoid.

And you know all about
how relationships work because?

I watch Oprah.

It's just you and me, pal.

Yeah, baby! Yeah, Erika.

Yeah.

Kiss your daddy.
Kiss your daddy, baby. Yes!

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah!

Right there. Right there. Oh, yeah.

That's right. baby. Oh, yeah, Erika.

Yeah, Erika.

Hey.

Hey.

What's this?

Just thought I'd get us a nice dinner.

Sort of a thank you for asking me
to move in and everything.

I'm sorry, but you didn't you me
you had plans.

I'm sorry, too, you didn't tell me
you were going to work late

with your professor.

I don't think I like that tone, Alan.

And what tone is that?

Childish, hostile, accusatory?

Let me know if I missed something.

No, you're right.
I am all those things right now.

But being that way fits this situation.

I have no dignity left,

I might as well ask you.

Are you messing around
with your professor?

If you are asking me
whether I'm fucking him or not,

the answer is no.

How dare you confront me
like some jealous teenage boyfriend.

That's what I am,
I mean, I'm not some teenager,

but we live together, Sam,

and jealousy... jealousy feels
rather appropriate.

I'm not talking.

-Sam.
-What?

I don't particularly like all this drama,
but I got to know, straight out.

Are you even thinking about
messing around with your professor?

I don't like coming into my apartment...

Sam, you didn't answer the question.

Now, I need to know.

Are you messing around
with your professor or not?

You know, you said you wanted me
to move in here

because you wanted
to build this cool relationship.

I know.

Then what happened between you and him?

I don't know what happened between us.

It's just, when I'm around him,

I get this nice feeling.

So, basically, everything you said
about us, about me,

it was just all... it was all bullshit?

No, no. No, I meant what I said
about you, I swear.

Oh, if you swear,

then how could you just go be
with somebody else, Sam?

You want me to move out?

I don't know.

You want me to stay?

Fuck me.

Jeez. I always thought
that romantic dinner thing

would actually work.

I might have to sue Oprah.

Yeah, I don't get it, man.

It doesn't make sense to me, you know?

It's like, she said
that she was so in love with me,

so happy,

making all these plans,
talking about the future.

And then one day, she meets her
one of her professors, and that's it.

You know? We're no more.

This is kind of sad, man.

I mean, a confident ladies' man
like yourself falling apart like this.

Maybe finally getting dumped by someone
is some sort of

karmic payback, or something like that.

No.

I've been dumped plenty of times, man,
believe me.

It's usually because I screwed up
or the girl was psycho.

But this...

this is too bizarre, man.

I mean, I was the perfect boyfriend.

No way I could've read her wrong.

And that she would dump me
for one of her professors,

a guy that weirded her out.

I mean, she said there was something
about him she didn't even trust.

He doesn't matter.

Whether you did right or wrong
doesn't matter.

What matters is, she left.

And you need to man up.

Hey, Thomas.

What do you want, Roger?

No... Nothing, I was just...
I was passing by, and I...

I was wondering if you're busy,
or anything right now.

'Cause, I just thought I saw someone,
a guy come in here,

and I was wondering if...

You are such a slut!

Well, that was embarrassing.

Sorry.

What was his problem?

When I first moved in here,
I gave a housewarming party,

invited everyone
from the Computer Department.

I proceeded to get incredibly drunk,

and he and I ended up, you know.

With him?

He's right, you are a slut.

Yeah, me, a slut, who would've thunk?

Unfortunately, when I told him
it was just a one-night thing,

he went psycho stalker,

moved right across the hall
where he can keep an eye on me.

I hope you don't plan on going off
on Sam like that.

Don't worry, I'm so not like that.

You know, it might not have anything
to do with me or Sam.

Might have something to do
with that professor, Professor Grimes.

Okay, you're beginning to scare me.

Look, just do me a favor.

Oh, no.

Just use whatever magical computer powers
you have and just check into him,

-on the professor.
-Oh, Alan, come on.

Come on, just do me
this one little favor, man,

and if everything checks out,
I'm so done with Sam.

I find that hard to believe.

Who knows? I might go gay.

Great, more competition for the hot guys.

So who are we to question what... wants?

What chemistry brings together?

And isn't there some sort of natural order
to things that we don't understand anyway?

Nor do we even to understand?

So, I ask you, and I ask you,
and I ask you, and I ask all of you.

Who are we to question
what nature desires?

And please believe me, folks.

This world never suffered so much

since us humans decided to come down
from the trees

and used our opposable thumbs
to develop technology.

Think about that.

And we will discuss thumbs next week.

I want you to read chapters 10 through 13
over the weekend.

And keep the wheels spinning, folks, okay?

Had a good time today. I'll see you later.

Sam.

Alan, it's good to see you.

How have you been?

I'm okay, considering the breakup
and everything.

You gonna be okay?

Yeah, I'll be fine.

I just wonder when I could get
the rest of my stuff?

Anytime. Just call before you come.

Why?

You'll have company?

I really hope you get over this, Alan.

How can you get over this so fast?

You were the one
that wanted us to get together.

I know that.

Look, I'm really happy now,
isn't that important?

No.

I mean, I'm not happy.

Sam, you ready?

Billy, this is Alan.

Oh, hey.

Sam has said some wonderful things
about you.

Mustn't have been too wonderful,
seeing how she dumped me for you.

Okay.

That's an uncomfortable moment.

I'm gonna let you two...

Listen.

She's worried about you, okay?

And quite frankly, so am I.

You're worried about me?

I'm fine. I should be worried
about you two.

Why would you be worried about us?

Because you... Well, because.

Why didn't you make other friends
when you were growing up?

Man, just one more night,
I promise, never again.

Right, "never again."

Look, why don't I just give you
an extra key

for when you never do this again?

You know, I had some time,

so I actually did a search
on your competition.

Who?

Professor Love Rocket.

Sam's new bang buddy.

"Bang buddy," nice.

Listen, it's kind of interesting.

I found a lot of information about him
as classified by ChemiTrope.

ChemiTrope?

Yeah, well...

Well, did you hack into it?

Right, Alan, I'm going to try
and break into one the biggest,

most secure computer networks
in the world,

risk being thrown in prison,

just so you can learn more
about who's banging your ex-girlfriend?

-Well, did you break in or not?
-Yeah, of course, I did.

I mean, ChemiTrope recruits nerds
out of my computer department.

In fact, Moogie and Joe,
a couple of guys I used to party with,

were hired to redesign
ChemiTrope's whole security system.

Moogie and Joe?

Yeah, Moogie and Joe got hired
by ChemiTrope

based upon the algorithms I came up with.

So, if I can compromise their work

and tell ChemiTrope about it,

I will get a little payback,
it will look good on a résumé,

and ChemiTrope might replace them with me.

Yeah, that's great.

But did you find out anything
about the professor?

Well, it's kind of interesting,
ChemiTrope's official website,

there's just one mention of Grimes,

but that link is heavily secured
on a shadow network.

So, when I probe deeper...

Shit, are you going to get in trouble?

Me? No way. I'm completely stealth.

Here it is.

At his last job, there was this
one incident with a female student,

apparently caused quite a controversy.

-Wow.
-What? "Wow", what?

Got her pregnant? He killed her? What?

They shut me out of the system.

I've never been shut out of any system.

Well, how are we gonna find out
about this female student?

I don't know, but I got to admit,
for totally egotistical reasons,

I hate the thought of Moogie
and Joe developing any kind of system

I can't compromise, so...

Take this modified thumb drive.

It will give us a backdoor connection
to his data files.

Just plug it into an empty port
anywhere behind Grimes computer.

Like this.

What? Break into his office?
Are you kidding me?

Look, if you're serious
about finding out about this guy,

then you got to take some risks.

With this, we can suck out
every bit of information he has, okay?

And...

I programmed this card to open up
pretty much every security door on campus.

It should get you into his office.

This pretty much makes me a stalker,
doesn't it?

Oh, this is well beyond stalking,
my friend.

You are totally pushing the envelope
of psychotic behavior.

Well, if you're not gonna go
all the way, why go at all, right?

Erika, what?

Do you know how long
I've been waiting for you?

-It's about time!
-Erika, what the fuck are you doing here?

-Where have you been?
-Where the fuck have I been?

Where the fuck you get the nerve
to ask me that question?

You fucking someone else, huh?

Oh, listen.

You know what, you got
the fucking bad case of the crazies

or something, you know that?

Shut up!

You know, it's weird,
I definitely got a creep vibe

from being around that professor.

And I'm sure it has nothing to do
with him banging your ex.

There's other words besides "banging".

But they are not as colorful.

You find anything?

Nothing out of the ordinary.

Kind of boring stuff.

Lectures, homework assignments,
something called Cupid's Arrow.

What? Let me see that.

Wow, talk about information overload.

There must be over a thousand files.
Where do we start?

I don't know.

A lot of the files
are cryptically encoded.

Wow, looks like Moogie
and Joe's programming.

It would take a while to break it,
I can tell you that.

But it looks like
some of these files are open.

Like these pictures.

Why does that somehow look pornographic?

It's an animal's vomeronasal organ.

We studied it in class.

Grimes called it "the Cupid's gland".

It turns airborne pheromones
into signals that trigger the sex drive.

It's kinda like when a dog...
when a dog's in heat,

you know, that kind of thing.

What?

I just never pegged you as someone
who could pay attention in class,

let alone retain anything you'd hear.

Thanks.

Open that one, the one
that says "TRP2 movie file".

Pheromone receptor, TRP2,

ion channel gene, cloned from a gerbil.

Oh, my god. He's done it.

Done what? What is all this?

He's cloned Cupid's Arrow.

Grimes has hijacked the circuitry
that causes people to fall in love.

No way!

According to this data, yes way.

Sam. Search "female subjects".

Well, this is kind of creepy.

She's not there.

-Who?
-Sam. Why isn't she there?

Wait, you think the nutty professor
pumped your ex

full of this love juice,

and that's what made her dump you
and jump in the bed with him?

Yeah, I kind of think he did.

You know, you chemistry majors
are stranger than any computer geek

I've ever known.

I mean, we deal in intangibles,
like internet porn!

But, you Doctor Frankensteins

deal in weird, disturbing science fiction
mutations and crap.

What's your problem, Thomas?

We need to figure out
what's going on here.

I do know what's going on.

An uber corporation like ChemiTrope
is involved

in weird illegal experiments
on human love glands.

I mean, come on, Alan,
that's some fucked up shit.

-You're forgetting about Sam.
-Sam?

You're talking about helping out
your ex-girlfriend?

Thomas, she might be in danger.

The same ex-girlfriend
who's now fucking her teacher?

Is that the girl you want me to risk

being erased
by ChemiTrope's private security?

You're on your own.

What's wrong with you, man?

-I quit.
-Oh, fuck.

Thomas!

What?

Sam.

Alan, what are you doing here?

Look, I know it's really late.
I know it seems weird.

Can you just give me a second, please?

Can we just... Sam!

-Don't ever lay a hand on me.
-Okay. All right. All right. I'm sorry.

Just give me a second.
Just hear me out, please.

What?

Grimes has been experimenting
on pheromones.

What is that?

It's information from Grimes
computer, about his research.

Alan, you...

-Did you break into his computer?
-That's not the point.

He's gone off the fucking deep end.
He's been experimenting on humans.

No, Alan. You've gone off the deep end
by breaking into somebody's computer

in jealous rage.

Okay, Sam, look.

I think there's a good chance
that he's experimented on you.

I think he's given you some serum
that made you fall in love

or at least, seem like you feel in love.

Love potion, eh?

You know, no offense, Sam.

But if I did have such a, such a serum,

I would have possibly shared it
with the entire cheerleading squad.

You know what I'm saying?

I'll be inside.

First thing tomorrow, I'm getting
a restraining order against you.

and if you ever bother me again,
I will have you thrown in jail.

Okay, how long ago?

No, I'm here now.

Okay. Just call me if,

if you got any problems,
just call me, okay?

Thank you.

What's this thing about some bleach?

I was in a middle of a massage.

Not bleach. Okay, genius?

Breach.
We got a little breach of security.

So go down to your lab
and wait for some help.

What do you mean help?

I just spoke to some people who're gonna
a scan on the computers

and check for leaks. So go to your lab.

Now? Tonight?

I got someone waiting for me
back in my crib.

I don't care what you have
waiting for you.

If you wanna keep banging chicks
way above your tax bracket

and gene pool, you're gonna do as I say.

Go.

Hold on.

-What?
-Hello, Thomas.

Moogie. Joe.

We need to talk.

About what?

Did you use one of these
on professor Grimes computer?

Fuck you!

Come on, Thomas, you gotta let us in.

-No, I don't.
-We work with ChemiTrope now.

Oh, like I give a shit.

Look, look. We just wanna make
a deal with you.

-A deal?
-Yeah. A deal.

-A really cool deal.
-Like what?

Like you working for ChemiTrope.

Excuse me, is Dean Jeffries in?

Yes, but he's in a meeting,
do you have an appointment?

Sir! Excuse me, young man!

Dean, do you have a moment?

I'm sorry Dean, he just ran in here.

That's okay, Nora,
I can take care of this.

You sure?

Absolutely. Hold my calls
for a little while.

Thanks, Dean,
I really appreciate you seeing me, I...

I know it seems kind of weird.

Yeah, it is kind of weird.

But it seems urgent, so, what's up?

Well,

I think professor Grimes has been
conducting experiments

on unsuspecting subjects

like students.

Alan,

I'm concerned about you.

Concerned about me?

I've been receiving reports all morning
about your behavior.

My behavior?

From who?

Well, Professor Grimes.

He, he just filed a complaint
that you broke into his computer,

which is not only a violation
of, of university policy,

but also the law as well.

No, no, no. Okay?

No, he's just upset
that I found him out, okay?

I’ve discovered what he's been up to.

I’ve just received a phone call
from Thomas Floyd.

A friend, right?

Thomas, yeah. He's a friend.

Well, Mr. Floyd informed me
that you came to him,

and, in retaliation for the professor
having an affair with your ex-girlfriend,

you asked him to help you

fabricate and plant information
about fictitious experiments

on professor Grimes' computer.

What? That's bullshit, okay?

Thomas would never lie about me,
all right?

A faculty member fraternizing
with a student

is against university policy.

And Professor Grimes
will be dealt with on this matter.

But your actions are more severe.

So I am deciding what's
in the best interest of the university,

and your best interest.

Perhaps that's treatment.

Treatment? Are you kidding me?

Alan, wait, don't leave.

-He left campus?
-No. He's gotta be around here somewhere.

Ladies.

-Let's go check out the science building.
-All right. I'll call it in.

-Cool.
-Did that girl have a Jamaican accent?

She definitely had a Jamaican booty.
It's fine.

Excuse me.

Yeah?

What's with all the cops?

The campus is in lockdown.

something about some psycho guy with a gun
stalking his ex-girlfriend.

Well, that doesn't sound too good.

You crazy bitch! What's wrong with you?

You skanky ass hoe.
If I ever see you with my man again,

I will fucking cut you!

I'm gonna kick your ass!

Erika! Erika!

What's the matter with you?

What's up?

Bitches.

Erika!

You crazy bitch.

Damn it, Alan.
You scared the shit out of me.

I'm sorry, man, just things have gotten
a little weird out there for me.

Oh, really?

Yeah. I'll tell you all about it,
I got, I got to use the bathroom, bro.

It's occupied.

What'd you want, anyway?

I don't know. I just,
I need a place to chill, you know.

Seems like everybody's turned on me.

-Is that right?
-Yeah.

And Dean Jeffries said that I made you
plant evidence in Grimes' computer.

Alan, you need to leave.

Thomas, did you rat me out or something?

I, I mean it. You got to go.

You did.

Just get out.

Why, Thomas? Well, did they threaten you?
I mean, just tell me.

Alan, leave or I'm calling security.

You okay, Thomas?

Say the word, I'll kick his ass.

No, Tony, it's okay.

He's leaving.

My god.

This is your price, Thomas?

This is what it takes for you
to sell your best friend out?

Man, how many times growing up
did I save your ass from getting kicked?

Got to warn you, pal.

You should leave while you can,
'cause if not you're going to regret it.

I got to warn you.

Once whatever Thomas gave you wears off,

you're going to regret
a shitload of stuff, pal.

I always had your back, man.

I'm sorry.

You're missing one hell
of a party in there, man.

We're in the dormitory now.

Excuse me. Did you see a white male
come running through here?

About your height, five-ten.

Wearing a brown t-shirt and jeans? No?

Sorry about that, Roger.

How'd you know my name?

What did that asshole Thomas say about me?

Not much, really.

Don't bullshit me, Alan.

What did he say?

How do you know my name?

Your face is all over the campus website.

"Armed and dangerous"?
Where did they get that?

Yeah, don't worry.

You know, they said the same thing
about me in my last school.

That's why I had to change my identity
to come to this university.

You're a computer major, right?

Yeah, well, I was.

Until those jealous assholes kicked me out

because I had more computer skills

in my shit than they had
in their whole fucking depart...

Wait a minute, you didn't tell me
what that fucker said. Answer me.

Well, if I did tell you what he said,

you'd kick my ass just on principal.
So, nah.

Yeah, I probably would.

So what'd he say?

Well, to put it bluntly,

he said you were a neurotic bitch.
And you're...

You're horrible in bed.

Horrible in bed?

How would he know,
he was passed out most the time.

Hey, man, I'm just telling
you what he said.

-That's all.
-I'll kill that motherfucker.

You know, he kinda screwed me over too.

Really?

Did you sleep with him?

No.

No, man.

It's, it's a personal thing.

But I think there's a way we both

can get some revenge.

Revenge is good.

I'm so in.

What's on this?

It contains incriminating information
about Thomas' work with professor Grimes.

I can't decipher it. It's all encoded.
It's impossible to break.

There ain’t nothing that Thomas can do
that I can't undo.

There it is.

How's that for neurotic?

Bitch.

Can you search by name?

Yeah. Whatever you want.

Sam.

Samantha Ellis.

Well, that's weird.

There's no documents
or video clips? Nothing?

No. Let me see.

No. I don't think so.
Not that I can see. Nothing.

Okay.

Search...

Cupid's Arrow

side effects.

Jesus Christ.

What?

"The detrimental side effects
includes depression

and paranoia leading to...

suicidal behavior."

Okay. Search female student
romantic relationship.

Oh, twisted.

Wait a minute, Thomas took these?

He is so not into vaginas.

These aren't his,
they belong to professor Grimes.

Oh, yeah. That guy is a total perv.

I mean all professors are but...

Right. Search female student

romantic relationship

suicidal behavior.

There we go.

"Regina Haggerty.

Freshman, aged 19.

Committed suicide.

Self-inflicted gunshot wound to the skull.

October 18th.

Just last year."

Okay...

What the hell is going on?

Grimes developed this drug

that controls

who people fall in love with.

And I'm convinced
he gave it to my girlfriend.

Ex-girlfriend.

A love potion?

I'm wasting my time over a love potion?

No.

Your girlfriend found someone
she likes to fuck more than you,

-and you're jealous.
-Don't.

Don't go there.

I'm not jealous. This isn't about revenge
or anything like that.

I'm just worried about the danger
she might be in with these,

these side effects.

Sorry.

What are you gonna do?

What can I do?

I can't go anywhere.
I, I can't go warn her.

The cops are outside looking for me.

Okay. I think I know somebody
who can help us.

And I think I got a way
to get across campus undetected.

You're not gonna like it.

And what plan is that?

You know, you are kind of creepy, right?

Yeah.

-Come on.
-No.

-Come on.
-No, man.

-God damn it. Get out.
-This is never gonna work,

looking like a cracked out tranny.

Stop it. You look great.

There.

Are you sure
your friends can help me, man?

Honestly, I have no idea.
But do you have better options?

-No?
-No.

Then let's go.

This is so cool.

Grimes has taken our barely functional
pheromone receptor system

and supercharged it

by replacing a missing piece here,

and amping up something there.

And he didn't just create any old
pheromone receptor.

No, this one is designed to react only
to a specific pheromone.

A specific pheromone worn only
by professor Grimes.

-We're going to get so many girls.
-We're going to get so many girls.

-Yes.
-Yes.

I don't care how many girls you guys get.

What's important is helping my friend Sam.
Are you serious about these morons?

-Morons? What the?
-Morons? What the?

Gentlemen, would you care
to educate this fool?

Show him what we got.

Read and weep, chump.

We're the youngest
and smartest of our class.

And already turned down offers

from the world's largest
pharmaceutical companies.

So, you got anyone more qualified
to help you with this,

go ahead and wait for their time.

Okay, okay. Look, I'm sorry.

I just need you to help her, that's all.

Well, what you want us
to do is not that simple.

You see, Grimes is causing her brain
to release dopamine into her system.

And that's a fatal flaw in his research.

He unable to control
the artificial flood of dopamine.

So, like what happened to the other girl,

the dopamine was slowly increasing
into her brain,

more than the brain can handle.

So the brain begins to overheat,
and overload itself with crazy thoughts,

and agitated paranoia sets in.

Agitated paranoia.

Cool term.

Agitated paranoia sets in,
and she'll go postal.

The only relief from her madness...

So what do we have to do?

Well, you guys don't have to do squat.

What we have to do
is really not that simple.

We have to plug that dopamine pipeline
into her brain,

but we got to do it safely.

What do you mean safely?

Safely.

I mean we're dealing with her brain stem
which controls vital functions.

-Like breathing.
-Hello?

-One mistake.
-One oops.

And you're girlfriend's
an instant organ donor.

"Oops"?

What do they mean by "oops"?

Alan, don't worry. These guys
are the best chemists at the university.

-In the world.
-In the universe.

Hey, Sam.

Alan, why are you dressed like that?

Oh, this?

It's a disguise. I don't know
if you've heard or not, but...

I'm the new America's Most Wanted.

Did you break into my apartment?

Well, not technically, I...

I used the keys that you gave me.

Get out.

Sam, listen to me.

Not only am I gonna call the cops,

but I'm gonna pay them
to beat the shit out of you.

Look. Look at these, Sam.
Grimes has experimented on other girls.

Look, look, look.

Here, from his last teaching job, here.

Regina, a student like you,

who was involved with him, like you.

Who eventually committed suicide.

I'm worried about you.

Yeah. Billy already told me about her,
she was unstable.

Yeah, she was unstable
because of his experiments.

Look here's the proof.
These are his research papers, look.

He infected her without her knowledge,

which led to her depression
and eventual suicide.

-Those probably aren't even his documents.
-What?

Billy's been worried
that one of his interns,

Miller, was using his computer
to store information.

Those are probably his.

Sam, listen to you.

It's like Grimes is this mad
cult scientist leader

-and you're, you're one of his...
-Hey!

I told you to never lay a hand on me.

Hey, genius.

Who are you?

You wanna go ahead and use the chloroform,

or do I have to watch the lady
kick your ass all night?

Thank you.

Enough.

You use too much of that shit,

it'll get into her liver
where it'll metabolize into a phosgene.

You know, they used that shit
as a chemical weapon in world war one.

I know things.

You son of a bitch.
Don't you ever cheat on me!

I will fucking kill you!

What's her problem?

Hold it right there.

What the hell is going on here?

Well, we just came from a costume party
and our friend here

just had too much to drink,
so we're just taking her home.

Are you sure you're not taking her
somewhere to assault her?

Oh, please.

You really think she's our type?

Yeah, well...

just make sure
you get her home safely, okay?

And next time,
tell her to watch her alcohol intake.

Will do, officer.

Oh, and...

Nice legs, man.

Thanks.

Oh, yeah. Okay.

You ever kiss me again,
I'll rip your fucking heart out.

Don't worry.
Your pheromones taste like shit.

All we had to do is take
Grimes’ special pheromone

and link it to ricin toxin then,
bada-bing-bada-boom.

Easier than mixing a Long Island Iced Tea.

Yeah, but have you ever done that before?

Yeah, just Saturday night,
the ladies love my Long Island.

No, I'm talking about that bottle of toxin
you are about to shove up her nose.

-Are you qualified?
-Alan.

We just drugged
and kidnapped your ex-girlfriend.

If we stop now, we're going to jail,

she's eventually
gonna blow her brains out.

Okay? Now if we let them try this,

we might not go to jail
and she might not blow her brains out.

Is that supposed to make me feel better?

Yeah.

How long will it take?

Not sure.

And how do we know if it works?

I mean, how do we know
she's no longer under his spell?

The only way to find out
if someone is still attracted to someone

is to put both of them together
and see what happens.

Hey, professor.

I didn't think you were gonna come, man.

Why wouldn't I?

I didn't figure
you'd have the courage to answer

for your diabolical experiments, man.

"Diabolical experiments".

Make me sound like I'm some

crazy scientist
from some cheesy sci-fi movie.

But isn't that what you are?

Where's Sam?

Over there, in the basement.

You brought the police?

Smart move, Grimes.

You really want the world
learning of your experiments, man?

What makes you think they're the police?

Take care of this.

You okay, Alan?

Yeah, I think so.

Too bad.

Hey.

What's going on, man?

"What's going on, man?"

We're in a fucking cage,
that's what's going on, man.

We never signed up for this
when we agreed to help you.

Hold on.

You inject an experimental drug
into a unconscious girl

without her previous consent,
you act like you did nothing wrong?

No, we do tons of stuff wrong.

But we are smart enough
to never get caught.

Okay, guys, what are we gonna do?
Can we please focus on that?

Do you have any bright ideas?

I don't know. Where are we?

We're in a cage, dumbass.

I know that. But where is this cage?
Are we still in campus?

Well, we'd tell you,
but they put a hood over our heads

when they grabbed us.

Where's Sam?

I'm sorry, man.
Those guys had guns, okay? They had...

Wait a minute, those guys had guns.

Yeah? So?

So, if we can overpower...

If we can overpower one of the guards

and get their guns,

we could shoot our way out of here.

Have you lost your fucking mind, man?

-We're all gonna...
-I'm down with that.

Hell, yeah. Let's show them who's bitch.

What's wrong?

Hello, somebody, we need your help.
Please, my friend is really sick.

Please, somebody, come on, please.

Oh, thank you so much. Thank you.

I'm sorry. My friend, he's right there,
he's just really...

If you think I'm stupid enough
to fall for that shit,

I'll blow your fucking skull apart
just for insulting me.

Okay.

Hey, Alan.

Where's Sam?

Trust me, I'm working on that.

Roger.

Did you decipher Grimes' cryptic files
in what, a second?

I don't know what you are talking about.

We went through your room
and found all your deciphering equipment.

Pretty impressive.

Derek, Darin,
you two have been keeping busy.

There isn't one research project
the two have ever been involved in

that would be considered
even remotely legal.

Sir, you are mistaken.

You must be confusing us
with someone else.

Impressive work, gentlemen.

Thomas.

Where's Sam?

Let's go get her.

I'm sorry, what the hell
are they doing here?

ChemiTrope requested it.

Since when did you get so tight
with ChemiTrope.

Well, since I convinced them
they could run their research department

a lot more efficiently
than their currently doing.

So, what are you implying?

I'm implying I found out
how much you've gone over budget

on this Cupid's Arrow Project.

And how it might have caused
a girl's suicide

and possibly an ugly publicity nightmare
for the company.

So what?

The company's made a killing
on spinning bad press.

Well, probably so.

But they're also concerned
about the profitability

of what research they are covering up.

And yours is looking like
a bad investment.

Now, whoa, whoa. My...

My work and research is coming along fine.

In fact, it's progressing
right on schedule.

Is it?

You sure your research hasn't hit a wall?
I mean...

it has according to my friends.
Isn't that right, gentlemen?

-Oh, yeah.
-Absolutely.

In fact, professor,

it's the twins who came up
with the missing element

that corrected the flaws in your research.

They developed a way
to control the side effects,

as well as a way
to turn off Cupid's Arrow.

-We figured it out in seconds.
-Even faster than that.

Exactly, and if they did overcome
the problems in your research,

then ChemiTrope would be interested
in meeting them.

You know, that's ridiculous. Okay?

There's no proof they understood
or even comprehended my research,

let alone manipulates it.

All right.

You want the proof?
I'll show you the proof.

We'll just ask her.

We'll ask her how she feels.

Really?

Sam.

Sam, wake up.

Sam.

How do you feel?

My head hurts.

Your cologne isn't helping either.

Sam.

Do you love me?

Alan.

I already told you I found somebody else.

I know you found somebody else.

But did you really find somebody
to replace me?

Somebody that makes you feel
the way I make you feel?

Sorry, kid.

Well.

Hey.

Hey, hey, hey. That's disgusting, okay?

Clearly she's still a little drugged up

from whatever the hell
you injected her with.

Sam, I'm sorry, okay.

It's gonna be all right.

I'll take care of you.

Sorry, kissing you just sort of
makes me feel nauseous.

You know, professor,

it's not nice to mess with mother nature.

You know what, fuck mother nature.

Okay? What does that bitch
know about love?

Jesus Christ.

For, for, since the beginning of time,
she's been bringing together couples

that have no business being together.

Yeah. That's right.
People who just drive each other nuts.

You know, make each other's lives
fucking miserable.

All I'm trying to do, for God's sakes,

is bring a little order
to romance, people.

Is that so wrong?

A little rational thought to the people

that we want to spend
the rest of our lives with.

Rational thought in love?

Sounds kind of boring to me, professor.

Yeah.

Boring to you, I'm sure it is.

Jesus Christ.

-Hey, Miller.
-Oh, shit.

Erika?

Goddamn it. Where'd you get the gun?

I've been looking for you.

You fucking idiot. I told you, man.

Lay off her medication.

Double the dose does not mean
double the fun.

You're right, professor.

Double the dose just accelerates
the psychotic process, you dumb shit.

What the fuck does it matter?

Since when does a bat shit,
crazy hoe like her

know how to use a gun?

-You failed me.
-What?

No, no. I didn't fail you.

No, Erika, Erika.
I've been here for your the whole time.

No. In your class, you...

You failed me on the midterm.

That, well.

You know, frankly, you failed
to articulate your arguments and...

Oh, yeah?

And how well did I articulate that...

blow job I gave you?

Well, if you remember right,
I did give you an A for that.

Wait.

Erika, you don't have to do this.

Why not?

'Cause you have a lot to live for.

Didn't...

you just see me kill the only guy

ever really loved, like...

Like Romeo and Juliet?

Well, actually, I'm...

Juliet didn't actually kill Romeo in,

in that story.

No, Erika.

It wasn't love.

It was medically induced psychosis.

You're just making it worse, okay?

Well, you're wrong.

It's always best to tell the truth.

So you're telling me

I murdered someone over, over nothing?

It wasn't nothing.

It wasn't, it wasn't your fault.

The love, the emotions,

it was all a scientific experiment.

No. No.

It wasn't no experiment.

I really, I really loved him.

You know what, Erika?

What?

Juliet didn't kill Romeo.

But she loved him so much that when,

when he died,

she realized she couldn't
live without him.

Remember?

Yeah.

I remember.

Wasn't that a beautiful ending?

Yes.

It was beautiful.

No!

Well, I don't know.

It was like this
overwhelming craving for him.

Really gotta tell you,
it kinda hurt me a little bit.

I mean, all it took was a drug
for you to fall in love with someone else.

You could look at it like that.

Or you could look at it like

I would have to start taking drugs
to fall in love with someone else.

Hey, Alan.

Can I bother you for a second?

Be right back.

How's your secret
ChemiTrope society doing?

You make it sound like a bad thing.

Yeah. But how'd you get away with it?

Man, how'd you keep
all the witnesses quiet?

It was easy. We hired them.

And what about Roger? He hates your guts.

Well, that makes sense.

Alan, I'm...

I'm sorry I sold you out.

I guess I had a...

momentary lapse of priorities.

Believe me, I never forgotten
that you've always had my back.

You have to know
that I'll always have yours.

Okay?

What was that all about?

It's nothing. Just two friends talking.

With everything's that's going on,
I've been meaning to ask you something.

Why exactly did you fall in love
with me in the first place?

Alan, does it really matter why?

Remember from class?

"Love is an irrational, primitive thing.

Don't try to figure it out.

Just enjoy it."

That's deep.

That's love.