Crystal City (2019) - full transcript

New York City's LGBTQ community is experiencing a resurgence of crystal methamphetamine addiction. "Crystal City" explores the epidemic through the eyes of recovering addicts as they attempt to overcome their chemical dependency.

Crystal meth, obviously,

it comes in little rock forms.

You know

what you're getting.

Majority of the time

it will be my younger

appearance and willingness

to do whatever they want

that will provide me

the drugs.

So what I do is I take this

and then in the baggy.

Good.

I've had periods

of sobriety, you know,

within

my five years of using

I've had eight months,

I've had six months,

I've had a little three months,

two months, you know,

a few weeks, month.

I don't use every single day,

sleep, and then keep using.

I know

that if I do that that

I'll be dead in six months.

At some point I have

to be realistic, you know.

For me

this is suitable enough.

In 2008, when I started

using crystal meth,

I was in a bar called Detox

down in the East Village

and I had the most extraordinary

head rush that I had ever had

in my entire life.

Like, I felt like I

was gonna die on the spot,

it was so intense.

Wow, it was like--

it was like--

it was like dying

and going to heaven.

Freedom. Meth--

meth, it's freedom.

Like no other drug took me

to that type of oblivion

like where I just

didn't give a fuck.

It's an exit door.

I wish I had an exit door

out of my life.

It made everybody

seem weirdly equal

and it also made me

feel like no matter who I am

or what my experience was,

now I'm kind of like in this.

I just knew like there was

this incredible sensation,

like I need more of this drug.

Methamphetamine really impacts

every sociological class,

every kind of person

across the board.

We're seeing meth use

among gay men

in New York City

rise three and four

hundred percent.

Over the last

twenty years we've seen meth

only get stronger.

It's becoming more pure.

We're getting newer

synthetics on the horizon

and it's something that's

increasing in our society

as a whole.

So I think this is a tidal wave that we just can't close our eyes and ignore.

There's a sense

that if we come out publicly

about this epidemic,

it will remind everyone

that we're deviants.

This epidemic

needs to be addressed

more clearly.

Dishwashing

is always with it,

but when you have a dishwasher,

it saves your time and energy

and washes your dishes

hygienically clean every time.

All the unpleasantness

of the chore is done away with.

You know, what's important

to understand is that meth

is only the latest iteration

of amphetamines.

My mother's generation

were actually being

prescribed amphetamines.

Mother's Little Helper,

you know what

Mother's Little Helper is?

It's meth.

It's Dexedrine and Benzedrine.

My God,

this house is so clean!

In World War II,

it was used by all sides.

Think about

the kamikaze pilots

who were using methamphetamine

and think about

the recklessness,

the impulsivity.

Studies

have shown that a lot

of the friendly fire accidents

are actually caused by people being up too long on stimulants.

But it really was

the first of these synthetics.

There's a trend now

on almost every drug class

to have synthetics.

So we're seeing, for example,

heroin being gradually

replaced by fentanyl,

which is synthetic.

No one had any idea

the destructive

potential of the drug,

and it's very hard

to control or regulate.

In the late '90s,

dealers out west

had been trying to break

into the East Coast market

because

of the fundraising scene,

the party scene that was

going on at the time.

They realized it was

through the gay community.

That was the way

to break into the East Coast.

It was something

that they began marketing

as a way of staying up

longer on the dance floor.

I met a guy

named Mado Neivelli

and he was young

and Italian and gorgeous.

And I was no slouch,

I was the cute guy

but I didn't have that high

of an opinion of myself.

But this guy wanted

to hang out with me,

and I was like, hell, yeah.

I remember him saying

"Do you smoke?"

And I'm like,

"Well, no, I don't."

And I thought he was talking

about cigarettes.

And he's like, "Well, have you

ever tried 'Tina'?"

And I really wasn't sure

what he meant by that.

And he holds up this pipe

and he said,

"Take a puff of this."

And he told me how to do it.

I'm thinking, "Well,

if this is what I got

to do to play with this guy,

then I'm gonna do it,"

and I did and I remember

the rush of it.

I'm feeling that rush right now.

So my name's Kristian Becker.

I was born and raised

in New York in the Bronx.

I live life

how I wanna live life.

I have been a crystal meth user since I was nineteen.

You know,

when I did it the first time,

I was in Miami

and I was on Grindr

and I was talking

to this dude, six-foot-two,

beautiful,

light-skinned Cuban guy.

During the messages

he asked, "Do you parTy?"

It's like a capital T,

and I was like,

I didn't pay no mind to it

'cause I had never

heard the term before.

And I was like,

"Yeah, of course, I've been

partying all night."

He sends me his address,

so I take a cab there

and then when I come in,

I see a mountain of stuff

on his kitchen counter.

Turns out he's a dealer,

but it's like a mountain,

mountain of it.

And he hands me the pipe.

Every once in a while

you get that response of,

"You don't look

like a crystal meth addict."

Because crystal meth

still does have that stigma;

one, of it being just some

trailer-trash drug that's made

in a lab in the Midwest.

But I feel like now

people are really starting

to see what it's about

and how it's used

in metropolitan areas and,

specifically, among gay men.

The skinniness,

the ability to have sex,

you know, the hyper focusness,

it's a perfect storm

for gay people.

So chemsex is

this whole idea of using drugs

as a way to enhance

the sexual experience.

So meth is a really

effective way to numb,

as I mentioned.

I think that a lot

of that is a result

of what in the literature

is called "minority stress",

where people who have

experienced a lot

of discrimination and stigma

based on who they are experience a lot of mental health

and addiction issues.

I've had a lot of clients

who have never been

comfortable with gay sex

who felt for the first time

using methamphetamine

they can celebrate being

gay and having gay sex

in a way that they never

experienced before.

There are some estimates

that one out of four gay men

in major urban areas

in the States

are semi-regularly

using methamphetamine.

It's at epidemic levels

within the gay community.

I knew when I

was probably seven or eight

years old that I was--

there was something

different about me.

I knew that I liked

men.

I also knew that it was not

what I was supposed to like,

because boys were supposed

to go with girls,

men married women.

I remember being attracted

to my best friend

who lived across the street.

And, but always

keeping it quiet.

Everyone else knew

I was gay before I did,

or like before I was able

to say it out loud.

It was funny

to make fun of gay people.

I remember growing up

and I would say like

"That's so gay," you know.

That was just like a thing

people said.

And then I came to NYU

and it's like the gayest

school in the world, so.

Many gay men find it difficult

to create connections. Why?

Because when you come

to New York or any city

or anywhere really

you're told

that you have one

of two things to offer.

You're either gonna go

on an app and have sex

or you're gonna go

to a bar and get drunk.

So I think we have the apps

like Grindr and Scruff

that have made it

tremendously easy

to facilitate the sort

of party and play culture.

And I think that's really had

an impact on fueling

the use of chemsex.

I was what they would call

a weekend warrior.

Monday through Friday

I would behave,

and then Friday night

I would log on the apps

and the websites.

I probably had about six

or seven different

profiles or accounts.

And just start

what they called out the hunt,

which is look for the hottest

guy with free drugs

and pretty much pursue that.

So some

of the identifying factors

on the apps

include a lot of shorthand,

like "PnP," standing

for "party and play."

If I am searching for drugs,

then I'll look for parTy

with a capital T, PnP,

cloud emoji,

a little Japanese

party popper emoji.

These phrases

that to the initiated

are recognizable

in terms of what they mean.

They're willing

to both hook up for sex

and to use drugs as well.

The thing

with crystal meth and me

is I never had to buy "Tina".

In the party community,

you know,

there's very few young people,

you know, who party.

Um, and gays, you know,

they're always chasing

the young ones.

So you'd show up,

throw stuff at you

to get you as, you know,

as high as you wanted,

um, hotel rooms.

Especially in big cities,

I think meth is

a great equalizer.

So you have a lot

of older guys with money

and younger guys

who can provide sex.

And a lot of it was power

because usually I didn't

have the funds to do it.

I mean I needed

something from them,

they needed something,

you know,

from me and we get that.

We know how that works.

Being wanted

and like getting high and,

like, that-- that

doesn't seem bad.

So I'm gonna get paid

to do that, too?

Great. I needed

to pay my rent.

At that point in my life,

why would I say

no to that, you know?

So the first

time I tried crystal,

and it was like holy shit.

All the issues were gone.

Like me having

no money was gone.

Me not making it musically

where I thought I should

have been was gone.

All the ex-boyfriends

in my head were gone.

Like, all of the issues,

I just got to completely

turn off the world.

My name is Jimmie and I'm

twenty-six years old,

turning twenty-seven.

I think maybe for the longest

time I was known

as like the shy, quiet kid,

and took me a while

to come into my own.

I have these

impressions of myself

as like this innocent guy

who got corrupted

by these greedy men

who just wanted what

they wanted. But I really

did want it, too.

You know I can be

three sheets

to the wind tomorrow,

even tonight, who even knows.

Once you're doing crystal meth, it takes all of those

extreme things about you,

even those assets,

and it amplifies it.

There's not a lot of,

you know, things

that I'm insecure about,

physically

and-- and emotionally,

but it didn't really too much

matter in that moment when--

at least when the high

was going on.

But, like, once you calm down,

then it all comes crashing

back down even worse.

Methamphetamine works

on a part of the brain

called the limbic system

or the reward circuitry.

That was designed to help us

survive as a species.

So we have what are

called natural rewards

like food or sex,

all those things

that give a little

natural burst of dopamine.

There's been careful studies

of those where food is

hundred and some units,

sex is two hundred,

nicotine is actually more,

two twenty.

So we see

that methamphetamine

has about thirteen hundred,

and so that makes it

really highly addictive

to almost anybody.

Addicts

have the experience

of having tried

to solve the problem of living

by applying drugs

to their pain.

Outside the circumscribed world

of the addict,

people are doing

the same goddamn thing.

The non-crystal meth addict,

overeater, the person

who's in the marriage he--

he or she absolutely

does not belong in,

who has had kids that they are

no manner, shape, or form

psychologically

and spiritually

prepared to raise,

on and on

and on and on, you know.

This is a human condition.

Damn it.

The reason I'm drawn to fantasy art a lot of the time

is because I like

the escapism aspect of that.

So when I'm really

delving into a painting,

I feel almost

like I have this power

to create a world

of my vision, my liking.

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed

by the real world that I'm in

and at least this one

I can control it.

So, video games

were my first addiction.

Like, the thing

about the video games is

I enjoy the escapism

so much that once

I'm invested in a world,

it becomes

more interesting to me

than like my everyday life.

And there

have been times when I'll

wake up in the morning

and just play

till the sun's

coming up the next day

and like I've barely

left my chair except to eat

and go to the bathroom.

The way I play video games

can be scary at times

because it's that lack

of impulse control.

It's-- it feels very

much the same as when I

would use drugs like I just--

rather than do what I

need to-- need to, I do

what I want to in that moment.

With this, for example,

I was working

on my book cover recently

and then this game came

out and I just, like,

was so excited

for this game that, you know,

all-- all desire to work

on the cover just sort

of faded away

and I was like,

"I might as well

just finish that video game,

so that way I can put

all of my attention

to this piece."

So this is in HIV release.

It's a special release

designed by the AIDS Institute

in New York State

to allow for the releasing

of information around HIV,

specifically.

And I'm going

to write limitations

to what can be shared, okay?

So any changes that might

impact your mental health.

- Okay.

- Okay?

That way it's limited.

I just can't receive anything.

So if I snapped,

they're gonna give you a call?

Well, let's try to prevent that.

Alright? Okay.

-What was

your primary drug of choice?

-Meth, crystal meth.

- Alright.

Um, how old are you?

-I'm forty-one.

Forty-one. And how long

have you been sober?

-Two years.

-Two years.

The 15th of April 2015.

You know, for--

Since I was fourteen,

fifteen years old,

like, drugs, particularly meth,

has been like everything.

It was, you know,

how I got places to stay.

And then as I got older,

it's how I made my money.

And just like my entire

life is like wrapped around,

you know, sex, fucking,

you know, high and--

And now I'm sober

and it's great, but I'm

a little disconnected.

I don't know, you know,

and I'm not sure

where I fit in yet.

- Okay.

- Does that make sense?

Absolutely. The normal

world might even

not be chaotic enough,

it might be too calm.

-At times.

-Okay.

The recovery sounds

like it's stable

for the most part,

it's really about adapting.

-Yeah.

-Okay.

Yeah, pretty much I just paint

and try not to get myself

in any trouble.

Everything comes out in my art. That's my free space.

That's like--

that's the one time

I don't have to...

Count anybody, I can just--

it just comes out.

That's why I get

frustrated or I get mad,

like, when I think about it,

I-- I try to analyze it

or look at it, like,

that's not

what I'm doing it for,

what I'm doing it for

is the time

when my music's going

and I'm doing

my thing and I just--

It's one thing I can do where

I don't have to worry

about what anybody else thinks.

I don't-- I can just--

I can just, like,

I don't even have to think,

I don't even have

to plan, I can just like go.

I was born

in Grand Junction, Colorado.

My mother, she was crazy,

she drank a lot, did drugs.

Tried to drown me

in a bathtub, like,

set the house on fire,

left me in there,

like crazy, crazy shits.

So I said, "Fuck it." I left.

I was 14, Valentine's Day.

That does it. Never went back.

Obviously, I was young,

like, new me.

Like people were--

I was, you know, learned

how to hustle sex right away.

That's the first thing,

I learned how to hustle.

When I'm in my addiction

and I'm getting high

and I'm living that life,

it's all about, like,

trying to feel okay

or not feel at all,

just trying to be okay

in this space that I'm in.

You know,

it's very important

to know the balance

between when someone

begins to reveal

too much of themselves.

Many times because of that

it becomes overwhelming,

it can be really traumatizing.

And sometimes prevent

them from coming back

to get the services they need.

So,

he was very forthcoming

and very open to revealing

much of what it is

he experienced.

And I'm sure there's

a lot of time ahead of us

where we'll be able to get

to the root of everything

it is he needs to share.

I'm Guy,

I am a clinical social worker

slash psychotherapist.

It was not until I admitted I

was an addict that I really

understood addiction.

Although

I'd studied addiction,

I was dabbling

in a very managed way

with drugs on and off.

I'll see you later.

-Love you. Bye-bye.

-Love you too.

- Alright, take care.

- Bye.

Before being the therapist,

I think there's just built-in

arrogance and, you know,

I-- I did my best to be

empathic and compassionate,

but deep down inside

I was always curious

to know why they

couldn't control their drugs

and I thought I could,

and there was an element

of judgment in that, right?

So, I think, clinically,

I am much more able

to see myself

as the same as a therapist

as the people I treat,

which I think is

a really useful tool for me.

There is

a culture now that I love

about being queer and,

you know, social justice

and we all have a story

and a history

and we all have our types.

It's a subculture.

It's a fully formed culture

that I had a lot of anxiety

about entering into.

But what crystal meth

did was it took all those--

no one-- no one asked me who

I was, no one asked me, like,

where I went to school,

no one cared about, like,

whether or not I was

married before, certain--

no one certainly cared

about me being HIV positive.

And-- and what I have discovered

is that most people were.

Some estimates are

that as many as fifty percent

of gay men

who are using meth will

ultimately seroconvert,

get HIV

and often Hep C as well.

So when I was diagnosed

with HIV in 1998,

it was still stigmatized.

It was not something

you wanted to have.

It certainly was not something

that you wanted to have

if you wanted

to be sexually active.

So, so methamphetamine

and-- and HIV have

a real interrelated history,

especially in a place

like New York.

From the-- the mid '80s to about '95, '96, HIV was a death sentence.

People were dying

all the time.

On the streets in the village

you would see people

with really severe dementia,

thin, thin guys with canes.

My own AA recovery

support group lost

eighty percent of its people.

So I think it just was

a dreary time.

All of us were

scared to death.

No one spoke

about having HIV.

Most of us had it

and were free

to talk about it.

My brother had already

converted and my mother

knew about that.

And I was very

determined for her

not to had to carry the burden

of worrying about two

of her sons dying.

I would call people

shortly after meeting them

because I'd want to go out

or hang out with them

a second time

and they'd be dead.

Somebody would answer

their phone and say that

they had just passed away.

And a lot of people

were going on disability

at that point in time.

One of the things

we were doing at work

was helping everyone go

on disability

so they can enjoy

what was left of their lives.

It's like I grew--

I grew up with HIV.

I-- I grew up

on the streets with HIV.

I planned on dying.

I expected, I'm like, "Okay,

I have five years to live,"

20 years old.

Full throttle.

I can still remember thinking

to myself and repeating

over and over,

"I'm damaged goods.

I am damaged goods.

No one's gonna want me.

I'm untouchable."

So I think in the social

context of the HIV epidemic,

especially those--

those early dark days,

I think people

were just looking

for a way to check out.

And I think methamphetamine,

because of its very

powerful punch

in terms

of the dopamine it releases,

it was kind of a natural for people to use at that time.

So people were maxing out their credit cards, people were partying their asses off.

I think the culture

began to change.

Clubs started to die out.

People weren't working,

so they had way too much

time on their hands.

And the only way

to spend your day were

to go to like some sex party.

Around '95, '96,

when protease inhibitors

were introduced,

we really had a change

in the mortality rate.

So people sort

of stopped dying.

And by that time a lot

of people were on disability

but they saw the opportunity

to just kind of celebrate.

And I think meth came along

and people felt like they were gonna live again.

After a while, like,

you are not dead

and now what you've been doing

to survive has become

a habit for you.

You know what are

you gonna do?

Like, run out and I don't--

I didn't have an education,

I didn't even

finish high school.

So I figured, you know,

I think I could do

was sell drugs.

Alright,

let's go guys. Come on.

We're gonna go for a walk.

Come on here.

Let's go. Come on here.

Let's go.

So my sober job

is walking dogs.

I was an escort

for seven years

but I kept relapsing.

So I teamed up

with a couple of guys

from my twelve-step program

who already did

dog walking and I

joined with them and...

Come on, guys.

It's like money I would feel better about earning than through prostitution.

You know, they can be

a handful sometimes.

This is Ollie,

this is Aya.

They're like

my craziest dogs but they're

behaving at the moment, so.

Aya, no. No.

Sit. Sit.

I pick them up, I walk them

for about a half an hour,

make sure they do

their business,

play with them a bit,

take them back,

and it's on to the next one.

It's a pretty busy day.

Structure is really important

for an addict.

It makes me more, you know,

accountable, more responsible.

I don't have as many windows

of opportunity to go

and try and get high.

If I don't show up

for work, my friends are

totally screwed over.

Let's go, lady.

- Sorry.

- It's alright.

With adulthood

came some challenges.

So now I'm doing

a lot of things

to keep myself busy.

Guardian Angels

is a volunteer

safety patrol organization

started in 1979 during

the height of crime

in New York City.

The most notable thing

is we do the subway patrols.

And there's different chapters

for different boroughs

in different districts

within the borough to do

a patrol on the train.

We'd like

to make our presence known.

And we don't carry weapons.

All we have is

the self-defense training

and we do our best to subdue

whatever threat is apparent.

In a big city like this, you

need all the help you can get

and just someone's

presence is enough

to kind of deter things.

- So when did you join?

- Last month.

Last month?

What do you think?

You can hand them to people

to try and put them in the slots

in the ads thing. Thanks.

Even if I don't feel

like going today,

let me get up,

take the train, let me get

these flyers together,

hand them out and, like,

really start doing it.

At the end of the patrol,

you know,

it's always a good feeling.

Do you want me to do

this moment really fast?

- Yes, please.

- That's high--

That's high.

If you're in New York City

and you're, you know,

living off of your creativity,

you're already winning.

It's already like,

okay, you're not--

you're not dead and you're able to make art and you're okay.

Like, in terms of a professional

music career and where I'm at,

I'm doing, you know,

logistically, pretty well.

I'm not-- you know,

I'm not Madonna

but I'm making money,

I'm supporting myself

only by doing music.

I think drinking

so long and the culmination

are just like always

being kind of in a fog.

I wasn't performing as well

as I do now that I'm sober.

That's for sure. But I felt

like I was, you know.

I think even the things

that I was writing about

weren't coming

from the mind of a clear head.

They were coming

from the mind of someone

who was really sick.

So, those songs

and that work, obviously,

wasn't going to have much life.

You know. It didn't have

much to offer other people.

A full-time job,

that-- that's not me.

Because, you know, working

a full day and then counting up,

eight seventy-five or,

you know, nine dollars or

the nine seventy-five,

and then taking away the taxes

and be like, "Shit,

this evening I made

sixty bucks and exhausted."

But why am I gonna,

you know, keep doing this

when I can go

to some hotel room,

people would pay for it?

Just spend time with me,

you know.

Celebrities,

billionaires, businessmen,

these people

are so, so sad. So sad.

They have to hire me and like,

I'm their therapist.

I had five years sober

at one point, five years.

They were good years and I had--

I mean I had a lot--

a lot of-- everything--

I remember driving up the

street in my car

at my little 5.0 thinking,

you know, "Fuck,

I have everything

that I've ever wanted,

everything

I've ever dreamt of."

Like, I was in school

getting like A's and shit,

you know.

I never imagined

that I would be there.

And I really believed

that I would not use again.

And what happened,

I got an argument

with my lover at the time

and just for a flash

it was okay to get high.

I was, you know,

and-- and that was it.

Once the needle was in,

that was-- that's game over.

And I know now if that--

if I get high now, game over.

I'm-- I'm not coming back.

I'll go till I'm dead.

I am definitely

scared of needles.

Every time

when I see the nurses

or doctors or whoever,

I would like half

the time faint, you know,

and get my blood drawn.

So enough of these syringes.

Okay. That's the units, CCs.

Heroin in the Hollywood

make things look much faster.

Some people will use

dirty hands and not even,

you know, wipe--

you know, use the--

wipe their arm before

and there'll be stuff

floating around and they

will have fucking lumps,

you know, all fucking

like golf ball-sized

lumps in their arms

and their veins will be gone.

And I'm not perfect.

But after the first few months

of other people slamming me

and me looking away

and having, you know,

there'd be a few times,

you know, they fucked up,

I learned what I needed

to learn and started

serving myself.

Some people are able

to do just like that,

just a damn boop,

boop, boop, and off they go.

After eleven years of crazy,

crazy, crazy sex

and unprotected sex

and the needle sharing

and the purposeful,

you know, sleeping

with positive guys,

I'm so surprised--

I'm so surprised

that I am not HIV positive.

Basically gives you

this animalistic primal

sexual carnal energy.

And that's

the main energy, you know.

That's fantastic.

I just slammed and I feel

so fucking good.

It's gonna go

on for a good while,

a few hours.

So I'm gonna be

fucking used by fucking men.

So this guy,

he said he's gonna

wear me down like a property

and-- but I know my place.

Then he asked, you know,

what's the craziest thing

I've done,

and I sent him my Social

Security Number,

Social Security card.

I enjoy my partying,

you know. I don't want

to stop my partying.

When the DEA came to the door,

they pounded on the door

and said "Police."

My partner actually is

one who answered the door.

They started trying

to knock it down.

And my partner said to them,

"Well, would you like

me to just open the door?"

And they're like, "No,

we're the fucking police."

I wish the hell I'd been here.

I would just love to have

just gone, click, whoop.

They-- they busted the deadbolt,

they knocked it off

to the wall here,

bent the metal here.

I covered it with wrapping paper

for Christmas

and just left it on there

because it looks so badly.

But we're used to it by now,

but it's still a reminder

every time you look at it.

And it's-- it's not something

I need to be reminded of.

It'll always be there.

Eventually, the money ran out

and it just seemed

like a great idea

to go to my dealer and say,

"Hey, would you loan us

a little extra

that I could sell

so that I could not only

pay for what I want

but also

keep the gravy train rolling?

You know, move-- move

a little product for you

and, you know,

pay for my habit."

He was hesitant

but then he said yes.

And we were off

to the races.

And having the drug

in the apartment all the time

was perfect

for getting high all the time.

I can't remember

many times when I wasn't high.

To sell three or four

ounces a day is normal.

I mean I would be sending

out to California

at least twice a month, thirty

to forty thousand dollars.

I would run all night

long on rollerblades

getting five-hundred-dollar

money orders all over town

and I would go to FedEx

and I would put them in a--

in a FedEx envelope

and I'd send them out

to California.

By the time I got home,

there was a message

on my machine

from someone

and he identified himself

as a worker from FedEx.

And he said,

"Dude, I don't know

what's going on

but the DEA was just here

and they opened up

your envelope.

They took pictures

and they closed it and they put it back in thing."

He said, "I don't know

what's going on."

And I-- and, of course,

you know, that's scary.

So I immediately got a hold

of my person in California

and I told him the situation,

he said stop everything, get

everything out of your house,

blah, blah, blah.

Like, okay,

and then which I did.

So I was living

my life normally, you know,

as normal as I could be,

you know,

not selling any drugs,

not talking

about it on the phone,

and my supply, which was

quite extensive

for me personally,

was starting to dwindle.

And, for me, my--

my brain kind of first

stops thinking after a while,

you know, we call it

selective thinking.

I forgot all about

that I was being watched.

And my friend called me,

said, "Listen,

I'm gonna call California,

and get something

sent out,"

and I-- and I said,

"Me, too.

Give me two of them,"

because I was getting low.

I forgot all about it.

And then when it showed up

at his house, he called me

and said "Come get it."

And I forgot all about it,

and when I walked out,

they got me.

One of the things

that you learn about

in the underworld of drugs

when you're a dealer

is that there are

addicts everywhere,

there are addicts

from every walk of life,

there are addicts in the streets

who can't afford anything,

who will offer you a blowjob

for a quarter of a gram.

And I had clients who order

by large volumes

who were

major business executives

in the entertainment business,

um, movers and shakers,

and it's all walks of life

from the gutter

to the penthouse.

So at-- at a certain point

that story gets old.

It's not interesting anymore.

You start to grow up like, "This

isn't going to actually

get me anywhere."

I remember, like,

going to like a deli

and trying to order a sandwich

and I couldn't even

order the sandwich,

I was so fucked up.

I had also told

my little brother, like,

"Yeah, I smoked meth," like,

"I don't know why I keep..."

Yeah, he's like,

"You should stop that."

I was like, "Yeah, I know,"

but then I kept

going back and doing it.

And all those, you know,

walls were crumbling

slowly around me and,

you know,

the whole illusion, you know,

shattered on itself, so.

There's all kinds of physical

health ramifications,

stroke, heart attack,

liver and kidney failure.

It's devastating.

When my friend came and got me, it was an Ash Wednesday.

It was so weird.

And I remember walking around,

like, so just like

tweaked out of my head

and seeing all these people

with like crosses

on their forehead

and being like,

"This is too much."

And she took me to a meeting

and she found a meeting

at the center.

Many addicts aren't

inspired to change

until things get so bad

that they have no alternative.

And I think that's often the point at which people

get into twelve-step recovery

and can begin that process.

Hey. Hi.

-How are you?

-Good.

- So what are we doing today?

- Step seven.

Alrighty.

So...

The concept of giving away

to keep it is

the most important thing for me.

Like, I have worked with sponsees since I had a year

and they're telling you

all their deepest,

darkest secrets.

They're confiding in you

every night, you know,

or, hopefully, or they are

making connection with you

that's so powerful

and all you're doing is telling

them what you did and guiding

them through a book that exists.

At first glance, step seven

may almost seem

an afterthought to step six.

And there's a need to practice

spiritual principles

in the place

of character defects.

Sponsors are not hired,

they don't get no money,

they are not required to do it, and they do it

because it's part

of their last step,

the twelve step is--

is I couldn't

get totally sober

without giving this away.

So number one, which

of my attitudes have changed

since I've been in recovery?

My attitude about CMA

not working for me has changed.

I now believe it can help me

if I open up and let it

into my life.

And have I asked my sponsor

for guidance?

-Yes.

-Yay.

When I decided that escorting

was no longer a good job for me,

for my sobriety,

and I got a sober job

walking dogs, so.

Okay.

So, example of letting go

and trusting that escorting

wasn't what my higher

power wanted me to do.

Like each addict has like

a heart and a soul that was

destroyed by this drug,

and just asking questions starts

to like-- like a boil, you know,

one of those pimple-popping

videos you see on YouTube,

you know, it like all comes out.

And then once you get

that out, you know,

they start to heal.

And what do you think

you're trying to suppress

when you act on it?

I think

I'm trying to suppress the--

the possibility

that I may be wrong

because that's, you know,

I don't want to be wrong,

that's embarrassing.

And, like with--

with escorting, for example,

I kept holding

on to this idea that I--

I can do it, I can--

I can be a prostitute

and stay sober, even though

I continually kept relapsing.

And that wasn't my-- but that

was my whole livelihood

for years.

So, to admit

that that may be wrong was

very scary because that meant,

"I can't do that

at all anymore,"

and it was very much

my safety blanket for every--

you know, my income,

self-esteem, different

things like that.

So it felt like you were trying

to take that away from me.

And...

That was what I didn't know

how to do in the past.

I used to think

that sponsoring

was just, you know,

telling someone

to go to a meeting

every day, you know,

and, you know, reading a book

and having them write,

like, grids down.

I didn't realize that it

was actually like listening

to someone and--

and asking

the questions that will

lead them to heal themselves.

So, there are really

many avenues to recovery

once someone understands

that they may need that help.

The unifying factor that they

all have is some kind

of social format.

I think it's not

something we can figure

out by ourselves

and that's something

we can do in isolation.

I've had a couple of sponsors

that I loved dearly.

One of them I worked

with him for like two years

and then he went into a spiral

which he has not

been able to get out of,

of using.

But I haven't had

to push him away or,

you know, I have--

I don't feel anger

toward him.

His humanity is just

so clear to me.

Yeah,

I should throw them out.

I'm gonna throw out

a couple of old syringes

that I probably

used on my last relapse

just because they shouldn't

be in my bag. So, here we go.

I can't get off this well,

of course, and I don't know

what to do.

But at least I took

myself to a meeting,

and that ended the run.

But I still have fellows who are

texting me and who are out

and know that I'm struggling

with this and are texting me,

"I have an abundance of stuff,

why don't you just come over?

Why don't you-- why don't

you just come hang out?"

And it's just like, I don't

know, and that started--

we can have two-week relapse

where I used every single day,

I was using more

than I've ever used before.

Normally, I would use

once intravenously

and then be good

for a couple of days.

I was using intravenously

three times a day

for two weeks straight

knowing that I should stop

after like the second time

of shooting up

and telling myself

as I am preparing

for the third one

that I really

shouldn't be doing this.

I was really hallucinating.

I was already going crazy.

I was really thinking

that people were

trying to kill me.

But I am sitting there

about to do it again.

It could easily be construed

that people are using you,

but you're letting

them use you.

-Yeah.

-You know, you're letting them.

I'm allowing them.

You're allowing them to do

that to actually to degrade.

You know, you're actually

letting them turn you

into a resume that

your value is in your youth

and your beauty,

and it's not. It's not.

You know,

I'm 71 years old.

If you are-- if you--

if you are lucky,

you're gonna

be seventy-one someday,

you're gonna-- you don't keep

counting on your resume.

Yeah.

It doesn't work.

It doesn't work today.

It's a shitty way of life.

-Do you actually know

what I am saying?

-I do.

Yeah. It's nowhere.

But-- but I know because

I've been there just like you,

"Hello, my name is

Rick, I'm an addict,"

I-- I know the scene.

And sometimes I've

heard you say things

that are just like, you know,

"My God, this kid just needs

a little guidance here."

Yeah.

Maybe a little bit more

than just a little guidance.

It's-- it's probably, you know,

it's probably not that

much more than a little.

-Yeah.

-You know.

Rick has years as sobriety.

So, like, when I look at him,

it just like

maybe it's possible

to get sober because,

you know, for a while

I just feel like there's no way

that someone can stay sober

from using crystal meth

for so many years

and just like stop using.

Like that doesn't exist,

it's a fairy tale,

it's a lie, everyone

goes back to using,

like, and if you don't,

then you, clearly,

didn't use meth the right way.

But, you know, I've heard

of Rick's story

and he's used meth

the very right way

and he's able

to not go back to it.

- Why don't I take your phone number?

- Yeah, definitely.

-You got it?

-Yep.

Okay.

-Shoot me a text.

-I'm gonna shoot

you a text right now.

It really is a beautiful day,

it really is.

So there is still

this dynamic interplay

between HIV and crystal meth

and that a lot of the people

were saying coming

into care right now

for HIV services

happen to be crystal meth

addicts as well.

The irony of a lot of gay men

having survived HIV only

to succumb to crystal meth.

And so I think there is

this kind of urgency

to-- to address it.

Um, so some other things.

Are you undergoing healthcare?

What is your medical

situation like? You said you

were HIV positive.

Yeah, I've been positive

since I was fifteen actually.

So, I mean, a long time.

-From the beginning.

-Yeah. Yeah. Back when--

back when people still--

still were getting chaos

and dementia and all that.

-So this was in your teens?

-I was, yeah, I was fifteen.

So what was that like being

a teenager being diagnosed

with something that back then

was considered terminal?

It's just such

a huge piece of who I am

and what's built me and made me

and challenged me and hurt me

and, you know,

getting sick very young.

I had-- I had like, like,

in Children's Hospitals,

because I didn't have

a family and they did

biopsies on me and shit.

-It was terrifying.

-Have you had

opportunistic infections?

- Yeah.

- Okay.

Yeah, I've been--

I spent-- the worst one,

I spent six months,

like,

and tubes and I couldn't eat.

So we're dealing with another

layer of trauma, the addiction,

the child abandonment abuse,

and now a major,

major medical ordeal.

-How are you doing now?

-I'm still here.

Right.

The other side

of the intersection

of meth and HIV

is for people

who are already HIV positive,

it dramatically affects

adherence to medications.

So, they can develop

resistance to their drugs.

When I was using,

I would sometimes not take

my HIV medication all the time.

You know, I would

go out on a Friday,

I would bring the pills with me

but then I'd be so high

I would like forget

to and you know,

surprisingly,

I never became resistant

to the medication, luckily.

And I take Truvada,

Prezista and Norvir.

I've-- I forget I have

HIV all the time

because it's kind

of like having diabetes now

and that's, you know,

not something I have said,

it's something

my doctor has said. It's--

it's a chronic thing.

But, you know, my viral

load is undetectable,

so I would show up negative

on it if I were

to take an HIV test.

So, like,

I'm really at peace with it.

I keep this on my dresser

and I guess this is kind

of like a shrine in the sense.

Even though nothing really

will replace my mom,

it's just a reminder

that she's always there.

Me and my mom,

our relationship was complex

because she was really

one of the only people

who would ask me directly

about my sobriety

because she understood

what that was,

what that life was like.

I'll say that what contributed

to her passing was

her own addiction.

She was addicted to crack.

And she was

trying to fight it, I think,

in-- in little spurts,

but ultimately it took her down.

So that's something that I

have to remember like always.

I have a real reason

to stay sober.

I owe this to her, you know.

The day off where I'm

at my sister's house,

one of the first things

she says and she's like

five-six months pregnant,

she was like,

"I can't have you relapse in

because I can't do

this all on my own."

My daily schedule,

everything is set up in a way

where it's really

inconvenient to use.

I'm kind of in the sweet spot.

I don't want it to be

any other way.

Of course,

there are signs everywhere

that say "Stay on the path"

and I completely ignore those.

I haven't encountered

in the path police, yet.

That is fucking awesome.

What is so cool

about this reflection

is that a lot of the way

something is reflected

off a glass

depends on the glass.

Each piece of it is not

as perfectly flat as you would

have with normal glass.

So what that means is

from a distance that it all

looks the same from here,

but the further you

get away from it,

the more the differences

in the way that it's

shaped are pronounced

and it looks like a Picasso.

And it's brilliant.

For me, the reflections

are a metaphor

for my experience in recovery

because when I was

getting high all the time,

I didn't see flowers,

I didn't see birds,

I didn't see the beauty

of nature or the beauty

of great architecture.

Those things were

like parting glasses to me,

you know, whatever,

it was there

but I didn't think about it.

It does make me reflect.

You know, it's funny.

When you're high on drugs,

depending on the drug

that you're on,

you can get pretty shaky,

you can get pretty

nervous and jittery,

and there's not a drug out there

that does that more,

I don't think, than meth.

And when

I stopped using drugs,

when I got off of the meth

and I started

using photography instead,

my hands stopped shaking

and my photographs got better.

I'm working with three singers

and songwriters right now

and we're starting

this thing called

The Emergence Collective

where we just get together

and we, like, help--

like, help build songs

like stack

harmonies or whatever.

So I wrote it for them.

And, yeah,

I just wanted it to be fun.

Right on, come up.

Here it goes.

It will go down there.

Go on.

The challenge for me

now has been, like,

what am I doing this for?

Like, why?

I've been playing and singing

since I was five years old

because I love it,

because it brings me joy.

I love the feeling of music

going through my body.

It's like it's better than--

it's better than drugs.

Singing in harmony is better

than any fucking drug

you can-- you can experience.

And I think people want

to feel connected to each other

and music makes you

feel connected.

So we try the whole thing? Okay.

There's this saying

in recovery that feelings

aren't facts.

So, that-- that to me

is what this song is.

It's like

I feel like shit right now

but I believe that tomorrow

it might not be this way.

And a lot of it's overwhelming

is what I am telling myself.

- Yeah.

- Bam.

Thanks, guys.

So one of the aspects of methamphetamine that make it particularly damaging

is that it's neurotoxic,

which means simply that

when meth-- meth molecule sits

on the dopamine receptor,

instead of being washed off

like it would be for cocaine,

it actually sits there

and destroys the receptor.

And so the implication of that is that while those transporters are being regenerated,

dopamine is not being adequately distributed in the brain

and that impacts mood,

so people can get

highly depressed,

people can get very impulsive,

people become suicidal.

That would be the hardest

thing about staying sober

is like sometimes really wanting

to escape and isolate.

Sometimes you get worn down.

You don't want your mind

to be idle for too long.

Typically, about ninety percent of people relapse

on the way to recovery.

Getting past the drug use is

really just the beginning.

Recovery

is really all about what--

what follows from that point.

Do I want to use?

That's-- that's funny, yeah.

Do I wanna get drunk,

do I wanna party? Yes.

Not all the time but, yes,

once in a while I'm like,

"I could-- I could go

for a joint, I could go

for a drink," all that stuff.

I did relapse on a Sunday

and I had to be

at work at-- on Monday

and I actually stopped using

drugs because I,

you know, as I knew I

had to show up for work

the next morning.

That was one

of the hardest parts

about it having to call them

and say like, "I've relapsed,

I'm really gonna try to make

it into work tomorrow but

I'm-- I'm in an awful state."

It was important to me

that I not let them down

and that's something

I never had before.

Okay, guys.

Relapse wasn't an option for me

because I was not

going back to prison.

Even if it was

like walking on hot coals,

I had no choice.

I'd put myself in situations

where I was fooling around

with someone

and he said, "Here, will you

hold my pipe?" and I held

his pipe for him.

But never did I say,

"You know what I could

take a hit of that."

I've had a few

relapses and I'm recently

coming back from a relapse.

You know I am able to accumulate

some months and then

I think I'm cured.

That's my problem. I think

like I can handle everything.

I think that I--

I got this down packed;

I think that everything's

fine and I'm normal now

and I can go have sex

and not think about meth.

And-- and sex has been

a huge, a huge driver

for my-- for my relapses.

And it's just because I

feel like I can have the sex

that I was having while I

was having on meth.

So if we do

one behavior like sex

and have a certain

kind of mental state

like being high,

if we do that enough

simultaneously,

those two experiences become

joined, if you will, fused,

in the same neural pathways.

I am thirty years old now.

I have never had sober sex.

Since I started having sex,

it's been poppers, alcohol,

coke, K, weed, Molly.

If someone gets clean,

when those two things

have fused,

very often their sexual desire

goes out the window as well.

So it's not uncommon

for people in recovery

to have no sexual desire

for a month or three months

or six months or a year.

There's a mourning period

that I haven't gone through.

Like, I have to mourn the death

of like this fake façade

amazing sex

that I thought

that I was having

that never really happened.

I had to mourn that.

As gay men in the U.S.,

we're still learning

how to really socialize

with each other,

how to not turn everything

into sex, how to have

platonic gay friends.

Like, this is the first time

that I ever was

able to relate to gay men

without thinking, "

it would be nice to fuck him"

maybe sometimes, "But it

would be nice to fuck him"

or, "Was he interested

in me?" Blah, blah, blah.

That's certainly probably

the biggest single challenge

is that people relapse

because they're not

having any sex

and they feel they can't

have sex and then meth

gives them that opportunity.

I relapsed last year

in mid-October

and I think by that time I had

missed a couple of shifts

with Guardian Angels.

So, you don't feel confident

enough really to do it

and then that kind of stays

with you for a while,

and it shows

in your body language

and it shows everywhere else.

Everybody starts asking you

if you're okay

and shit like that.

And I hate that.

My using days

has helped me to,

like, be able to pick out

when somebody

is really strung out.

I can see that now.

I'm doing something

that's actually worthwhile

and I'm not taking up energy

and taking up resources

and taking up space

and taking up money being,

you know, a public nuisance.

So it's kind of like

I flipped a little bit

and now I can see it

from the outside looking in.

This junction is Newport.

If anybody wants

to parTy with capital T

and they hadn't yet,

I would strongly

discourage them.

Acting like a mom

about it and say,

"No, this is blah, blah, blah,

I'm not gonna be the one

to bring you into it."

And then I got to a point

where I realized,

"You know what, like, these are

grown-ass people,"

you know what I mean,

"They want to do it,

they want to do it.

They can make their own,

you know, decision."

I made my own ground decision,

you know, when I did it

the first time,

so they can make their own

ground decision.

So I've never had a boyfriend.

I burn the candle a lot fast.

You know, after a week

or two, ideally,

it would be a relationship,

you know what I mean?

Just-- there's no exactly, like, perfect way to describe it.

I can't like write it out,

you know what I mean,

like a perfect plan.

For me, again, I'm not

trying to live, you know

what I mean, some long life.

You know what I mean?

Or, like, trying to reach

like ninety, you know.

Whatever my life will be,

my life will be, you know.

Yeah, it will take

its course, yeah.

So when Shane was

healthy enough,

we used to take walks.

He liked cold weather.

He always called me a pussy

because I put so much on.

We particularly liked this area because it's all rock

and there's this huge part

of the rock formation

that's just out

over Park Drive.

From the time that Shane and I started seeing each other, we used something.

Meth was a huge part

of our relationship for the

majority of our relationship.

And that only changed

after we got arrested.

Um, I was-- we were both

required to stop using.

We were both monitored

by pretrial services.

Shane was a slicker

relapser than I was.

He figured out how to do it

and not get caught.

I was not as good.

There was a lot about his life

that was just torture for him.

How he landed on just

ending his medications

I don't really think

I'll ever understand.

That's a tough way to go.

But that's what he decided,

he decided to stop

taking his HIV meds

and he did that

in June of 2016.

Can you check

if my shoes are black--

my black shoes are down?

-Which ones?

-The one I was looking for

the last time.

- I don't know, it's probably--

-I think they are--

you don't want me to wear them?

I don't remember

which ones. So sorry.

I think they are,

you know, with the little

stuff on the top like--

I was traveling

for work and I had a day off

when I first got to Chicago.

And I spent that day

with the door closed

watching porn.

So I went online and I

started like emailing guys

on Craigslist

and on Adam4Adam.

And then a few months

later while I was away,

again Loic calls me

or texted me and he--

and he saw one of these emails

that was in my inbox

from these Craigslist exchanges.

It was like completely gross

and lewd and he was really hurt

by it obviously.

I called him right away and we

talked-- we talked about it

and I just-- it was like,

"Thank God he saw that email

'cause now he knows

I'm not perfect."

It just was

like a relief. I'm like,

"I don't need to pretend

that I'm not, like, still sick."

-Do you have the license?

-Yeah.

Okay.

I was on the phone

and he was worried

about some stuff

and I just said--

you were in France

and I was in South Carolina--

Yeah.

And I just said,

"Let's just get married."

And he's like,

"What?" I'm like,

"Yeah, let's get married.

-We'll be okay."

-Yeah.

And then it solved all

the problems and, logistically,

and so that's what we decided

to do. Wasn't very official.

Go inside the wedding area

behind me and I'll call you

by your name.

Alright.

You know I'm next.

-We are next.

-We're gonna be--

I'm your first husband.

How do you feel?

You're gonna be

my first husband.

You're gonna

be my first husband.

Thank God.

-I hope to be the last one, too.

-I do, too.

Marrying

Matthew and Loic.

I said to him,

"Do you want to get married?"

We had exchanged rings

a couple of years earlier.

I had given him a ring

and he gave me this.

And so he said yeah.

So I went to the chaplain

at the hospital

and had them draw up papers.

The doctor drew up the papers

that I could take down

to the marriage bureau

and we never got that far.

This is Shane's remains.

I had told myself this

was just his ashes,

this is not Shane.

It's such a small box

but it's heavy.

I don't think that I ever

felt more love for him

than when he was suffering.

So it's painful as those times

were as hard as they were.

I guess it was a way

for me to remember

that I was cared for him.

You know, he only

died three weeks ago and...

I thought I'd be further

along in my grieving,

but I realize

there's no timeline for grief.

I didn't want to feel the pain

of losing him, which I felt

was inevitable.

I didn't want

to feel the pain of feeling

that I had no hope.

In recovery

we talk about how, you know,

you don't get addicted overnight

and you don't recover overnight.

And grief is the same way.

I have had to admit that I am

powerless over my grief

and the-- the only way

for me to heal is

to surrender to it

and just feel what I feel

when I'm feeling it.

- Great.

- Left hand.

I'm your first.

This is yours, baby.

Love you.

-Okay. Let's go.

-All right.

Like if I start thinking,

you know, forever,

it turns into,

"No, I'm trapped

in a marriage,"

and I can't do that.

Like, I will-- I will

start to self-destruct if I

started to think of forever.

I'd to tell him like

two months in the dating him

that if you were to leave me,

I would be fine.

I have a community of people

who love me, I am connected,

he's not the reason

I am happy.

He hasn't fixed my life,

he hasn't changed my world.

That-- that came

before he got here.

All that was already there.

So when he showed up,

I was like, "Cool,

I'm ready for this."

And if he has to go

or if life changes,

I mean, I don't have

to control his love for me.

He can do whatever he

needs to do and I'm okay,

I feel safe.

And most of what we do

on a daily basis

with each other

is just goofy and fun

and it just makes time pass

in a more delightful way.

Navigating New York City

as a young person

who doesn't have

people here is hard.

And one of the best things

about getting sober

is now I feel

like I have people

and like if--

if shit hits the fan

or I don't have money,

like, or any-- any of that

stuff, you know, like I can at

least,

like, talk to people about it,

whereas when I was

on my own it was like--

it was impossible.

As of May 12th,

I am HIV positive.

Sometime between January

and a few weeks ago

I contracted HIV.

There you go.

It's alright, kids.

First or second day of May

or the last day of April

even in time linked up

with this guy

on one of the apps,

Grindr or Scruff

and went to his place.

Then out of nowhere

"Puff, puff, puff,"

I'm hearing this noise.

So they're busting ten guys,

full SWAT gear,

guns, gun to my head,

I'm butt-naked,

they cuff everybody.

The thing with me is I know

I can handle any situation

that I end up in.

If I end up in prison, I'll deal with prison, you know.

I'm just enjoying

this moment and that's it.

-Congratulations.

-Thank you.

-On new year.

-Thank you.

-Very proud of you.

-Good to see you.

So, tonight, is my watch.

What a watch is

is it's my one-year

anniversary of being sober.

It's my friends from recovery

and people

who have helped me

get to this point

all come out,

just chill till midnight

and then that's when I'll, like,

really officially have

a year and we'll celebrate.

And I've been struggling

for a long time,

so this is kind

of a big deal for me

and for my friends.

I am really happy

that my friend Jimmie

has like the exact same day

count as me coincidentally,

so we get to have a mutual watch and celebrate together,

sort of takes the edge off and,

you know, it's just like

more fun that way.

You missed him.

This is

a big milestone for me.

And everyone

is asking me how-- how--

how do I feel, am I excited?

And I just honestly I

think people are more excited

for me than I am.

But, like, it is--

there's something about it

that seems to come full circle.

There's something about

it that it really is--

it's kind of beautiful and it's

really just such a great show

of love and family.

You may have

like what I want--

what I was looking for

in the first place.

Yeah.

You know, which was

really just community so.

My sponsor, Michael,

has really helped me

get to this point just

by believing in me.

It's nice to have somebody

believe in you when you

can't believe in yourself,

and Michael was

that for me, so.

And I think that that's

what we come here for

is to come from a place

of isolation and desolation

to make connections

and to become these, like,

wonderful shining men, you know.

So I'm really appreciative

of you getting a year.

And I remember

when I met you, you know,

we were walking to like

the D-Train or something

and you were talking

about your life and you

told me "I don't have friends,"

like I just have me,

my video games, my art,

you know, and drugs.

And-- and I remember

being just so struck

because someone

so vibrant and so smart

and so handsome

and so able would have--

not have anybody in his life.

And now, like you see

tonight people really,

really are inspired

by you and care about you.

And-- and what a shift,

what a shift.

So, congratulations and--

to you both and thank you.

Having a support like this,

all-- all of this

is kind of overwhelming.

You know, hopefully this is

only gonna happen once.

And, Jimmie,

I just want to say that,

you know, there's--

it's really cool

that we got to do this together

and as, you know,

we came in around the same time

and we both been relapsing.

I don't know,

it's just-- there's no--

no one I'd rather

share a watch with.

So, congratulations.

Here it is! I didn't think

I'd really hit this point ever.

I didn't think I know what this

would even feel like.

Like,

it's been two years of this,

of learning lessons

and relapsing

and going for long stretch

of time of sobriety and,

you know,

getting kicked in the face.

So it's really

just a privilege to be here

because not everyone

gets to do it.

I know everybody says

that but, like, I understand

it's really true now.

- You made it!

- Congrats, guys!

Alright, now-- You guys

can have sex now.

Whoo!

Been waiting for two years.

Like, I am still very much

a crystal meth addict.

I could go-- I could--

I could go out tomorrow,

you know, or tonight even.

I don't want to,

but that doesn't mean

it couldn't happen

and I've just got to be careful.

Just because

I have a year sober,

it doesn't mean

I'm gonna be like totally

out of the woods, so.

This is not

just a gay problem it's a problem for our whole society

that we really need

to start to think about it

and address.

And the first step

really comes from someone

trying to identify

with what they

might have in common

with that gay meth user

as opposed to just simply

judging them and saying,

"Well, that's not me. That would never be me. Why don't they

just get it together?"

What are the similarities here

and what--

what vulnerabilities

might I share that I

see in another person

and what solutions have they

discovered that might be

relevant to me?

In much the same way that we saw

the-- the first traces

of the problem emerge here,

I think we're starting

to see the first traces

of a solution

emerge here as well.