Cruising Bar 2 (2008) - full transcript
They're back! Fifteen years later, the heroes from Cruising Bar may hardly have changed but the world around them most certainly has! For the Bull, reality is brutal. His wife of 30 years, sick of his infidelity, decides to show him the door. But the Bull, who has a positive outlook on life, isn't so easily defeated and fights for his survival. The Lion too faces a break-up when his girlfriend leaves. All alone, he's force to relearn the art of seduction. The Peacock, on the other hand, is trying to figure out his sexual identity with the help of a psychologist. As for the Earthworm, his long wait for a soul mate will, at last, be requited.
As Serge, The Earthworm
Gérard, The Bull
Jean-Jacques, The Peacock
Patrice, The Lion
MEET MARKET
Hello, Myriam?
Myriam, it's me.
Well, as we said,
I'll be there at around...
Call you back.
Serge, come!
Come!
Serge, hurry!
I'm coming! I'm coming!
Hurry, Serge!
Serge, it hurts!
It hurts!
Help me!
Help me get up!
Hold on.
- Did you call the ambulance?
- Yes.
Serge?
My waters broke.
Arrivaderci!
Stuntman, please!
Hurry, you're wanted on set.
Thanks.
I'd work more
if American actors were taller.
They're shrimps.
The last U.S. shoot,
I couldn't stunt for Tom Cruise.
He comes up to here.
Serge!
It's me, not him!
He's early, I'm not ready.
Serge?
Remember to call my husband!
Tell him to bring my things.
And call Mom.
Don't forget Mom!
Thanks, little brother.
Maybe you should
add some padding here.
Costume's too tight.
Go on, you're fine.
And a helmet?
- Go on, Schwarzenegger!
- No helmet?
Hello, Myriam?
It's me, Jean-Jacques, again.
Look, I'll be over
in about 10 minutes.
See you, darling.
She must be in the shower.
Where's the stuntman?
Can I call you back?
I'd appreciate it.
Salome, 35.
5 foot 11,
sporty, seeks yuppy
for a trip around the world.
7-figure income only.
Mylène, forties. I love sex.
I want a man for sex
and nothing but sex.
Get the idea?
I'm Serge, I'm looking for love.
I'm Serge...
I'm love...
Silly! "I'm love"!
C'mon, open!
What is it today?
Gertrude?
There! The lock...
What now?
Come on!
What is this?
Gertrude!
Come on, Gertrude!
You can't do this to me.
Not after 30 years of marriage!
This way.
Hide over there.
That's it.
Sorry, I have the wrong door.
I'm sorry, forgive me.
Isn't this Myriam Legendre's
apartment?
Myriam doesn't want
to see you anymore.
Thank you.
I'm Serge, forties. Late forties.
Serious, but likes to have fun.
Likes animals.
I'm looking for a woman
who's easy-going
and pretty-ish.
My phone number is 514 842...
Gosh darnit!
Excuse me.
- Hello?
- Hello, Serge.
- Oh, Mom?
- Your sister delivered.
Wait, don't tell me!
I want to make a wish.
- A girl?
- Yes.
I won!
I won! I guessed right!
Hi there.
It's me!
I gave those Americans
a knock-out performance!
The director couldn't believe it.
He said that in Québec, the...
The stuntmen are...
top-notch.
Marie-Andrée?
"I can't take it anymore. Bye-bye.
Marie-Andrée."
Hello, boss.
Did somebody die?
No, no.
Well then,
how bout we take inventory?
No inventory today.
How long had you been together?
Two months.
In a few weeks.
Did you love her that deeply?
No.
Jean-Jacques,
what do you want from a woman?
Gertrude?
It's me.
Gérard.
Your husband.
Gertrude?
Pick it up.
I'm not home!
Gertrude, jeez!
Dammit!
My days are endless.
Feels like three weeks already.
I can't work, can't sleep or eat.
I have no more oomph.
Come on!
Come on, Gertrude!
Wait a minute. Let me ex...
Gertrude, let me explain!
Let me...
I'd put a mattress there.
Beaudoin, you goddamn fucker!
- Lower him!
- Sure, boss.
Know how much that American's
gonna fucking cost me?
Before you ruin my business,
I want you out!
Don't ever come back!
Is that clear?
Do you think he meant it?
Hello?
Yes, speaking.
Who?
Suzy?
I have tickets for Vegas!
Take your babes to Vegas!
Gertrude, wait.
It was an accident.
I didn't cheat on you.
It was an accident.
It was just one time.
Hello, what can I bring you?
Do you have Instock Iceberg
crystalline water?
Yes.
I'd like an Ushuaïa water.
Fine choice.
Do you happen to have water
from the glacier in
Spitzberg?
Yes, of course.
What about Jungfrau water?
- Yes.
- Jungfraujoch water?
So, did you miss me...
my pretty Suzy?
Think you can buy me?
Aren't you good-looking!
You're so cute!
Thank you.
How old are you?
Two.
Do you come here often?
Yes.
- What's your name?
- Serge.
I mean, Suzy.
- Hi there!
- Bye, Suzy!
C'mon Suzy.
Wait, I'm at my dad's.
- Hi Dad!
- Hi!
What happened?
Marie-Andrée left.
She moved out.
I hate seeing you sad.
Well, at least work's going great.
How are you?
I can't be ready by 7!
No, I'm talking to Tanya.
Thank you for...
Dad! I'm talking to you!
Yeah, hi, hold on a sec.
Thanks for my trip to New York.
It's the best present
you ever gave me!
- My pleasure.
- No, not him!
If he's there, I'm not going!
He's disgusting!
Look... Dad!
You should get out, meet people.
Where can I go?
Yeah, I'm on my way.
You and Marie-Andrée,
it was coming.
I gotta go. Love you!
- Me too.
- Sure, Kim has it.
Wait, I have another call.
William, hi!
You are so beautiful!
You're perfect.
You...
You make me so horny!
DANCE SCHOOL
This is Sylvie.
She's a new student
we're thrilled to have.
Hello!
Let's go over our samba steps.
Music, please!
Left, right.
Left, right.
Left, forward, right, place.
Left, place. Right, place.
Once more.
Left, place. Right, place.
One and two.
To the side!
Keep the beat!
OK, everybody, choose a partner.
Come, Serge.
Gertrude, listen.
"Dear Gertrude,
I know I did things that were wrong,
but those days are done and gone.
No more will I stray,
it's with you I want
all my life to stay.
Without you, it's true,
my life is through.
I'll be faithful with kisses,
like a loon to his missus.
I'll be your loving honeybee
and you my queen."
Did you write that?
Come in, you dolt.
Come on!
Do you want to or not?
It's not that...
You have a bunion.
So? I have a bunion.
It's just that, me...
It makes me...
Forget my bunion!
Look at that!
My toe turns you off?
You're funny! A hairpiece?
I'm sorry!
Forgive me.
I wasn't expecting it!
That's hilarious!
Sorry!
Mrs Toupin?
Mrs Toupin?
Sorry.
Mrs Toupin?
I don't know what it is, doc.
I have a knot here.
I figured it'd go away by itself.
But it hasn't. It's like a lump.
It doesn't look good.
High blood pressure.
Soon arthritis, cholesterol...
Your prostate will act up.
You pee at night?
Takes 15 or 20 minutes
to wake up?
Don't worry.
It's normal.
It's called middle age.
Any changes in your life?
Just that my girlfriend dumped me.
I don't get it. We were doing so well.
So I thought.
Came out of left field.
Your erections?
It's firm at the base,
softer in the middle,
and rock hard from there to the tip.
I was just joking, doc.
Sex is no laughing matter.
Ready?
Hold your horses, kiddo.
Let's get things straight.
We'll work on your body,
then your mind.
Just my luck. I bet today's
the two for one special.
Two fingers instead of one.
Put on some music,
lower the lights a little.
Take a deep breath.
Relax.
I haven't started.
Here goes.
No free rides.
You have to be careful,
exercise regularly, do cardio.
Take up a sport.
I don't know, jogging
or roller blading.
Get your sex life in shape.
And learn to relax.
There are conditions
if you want me back.
First, flab doesn't turn me on.
You'll diet. Second,
the next fling, you're out of here.
Third, when I feel like it,
I'll decide when we make love.
No canoodling until
I'm sure you've changed.
But Gertrude!
Fourth...
Listen, Jean-Jacques.
In eight years of therapy...
I'll come to the point.
I'll be frank with you.
What I've wanted to tell you
for so long...
what I've tried to lead you
to discover yourself...
what I have to tell you,
Jean-Jacques,
is that you may be gay.
You're not serious?
I am.
- Come off it.
- Yes, Jean-Jacques.
I mean it.
You have to experience it, try it,
to find out if you are
or if you aren't.
It'll melt away like butter.
Can't we take it nice and easy?
I'll become so weak!
Eat while it's hot.
You know I hate cauliflower.
It's broccoli.
Broccoli, cauliflower...
Glucoflex.
Omega-3.
Active male multi-vitamin.
- Idiot!
- Sure got you!
You haven't changed.
Hey, Chief.
- I got you, huh?
- And how!
- I got you!
- Is Marie-Andrée with you?
It's true, you don't know.
I'll let you in on it,
but keep it to yourself.
I broke up with Marie-Andrée.
Come off it!
I split up.
You didn't!
Are you in love?
You're in love, right?
A younger chick, right?
Is that it?
How old is she?
32.
Nearly 33.
You lucky bastard!
I gotta go.
Some guys have all the luck!
- See you, Chief.
- Bye.
Excuse me!
How bout a quick spin cycle?
The laundry's done.
Sort your socks instead.
My socks! My socks!
Who cares about my socks?
I can't take it!
My balls are going to burst!
One of them's turned navy blue.
I need to make love.
It's in my blood. I'm a Simoneau.
My dad was like me.
My brothers are like me.
We have too much taster...
tester...
- Toast-your-own...
- Testosterone!
Right.
I need to let go.
Do you understand?
It's not healthy.
Is your wrist arthritic?
Come on!
You know I don't like to mas...
to masturbate.
I love you, I want you.
I'm not ready!
Why do you smell of garlic?
I'll go finish my bird house.
Me,
Jean-Jacques,
a homo...
A quee...
A fag!
Goddammitall!
There, it's finished!
I can't get my head around it.
I have to see the doctor.
She's with a client.
Shall I make an appointment?
I have to see her right away.
How about the 18th at 10?
Sure, the 18th, today, now!
I just can't get my head around it!
Sorry, madame, but it's urgent.
Doctor, I'm not gay.
It's impossible!
I'd have sensed it before now.
Jean-Jacques,
to be certain, you have to try it.
Really, it's impossible.
I don't want to be gay!
What will people take me for?
What will they think?
Anything, but not gay!
Who wants to be gay?
Sorry to harp on it, but...
Do you think today's the day?
Does that mean today's not the day?
I like your carrot salad.
It's tasty.
Excuse me!
Excuse me!
Excuse me!
Excuse me!
Thanks.
Hello, Maurice?
Gérard.
Listen, Maurice,
I've a little favor to ask.
Hello, Marie-Andrée?
It's me, Patrice.
No, this isn't a joke. It's me.
It's me, really.
Don't hang up. It's me, Patrice.
No, I'm not OK.
I had a little accident at work.
Do you think...
we could get together tonight?
It's Maurice,
he's called three times.
I don't want to play cards.
I like being home.
He's an old friend.
I don't want to leave you alone.
It's OK, Henriette's coming over.
- Sure you don't mind?
- Course not.
Where are your costumes?
We said dress to kill.
I heard dress like in Brazil.
I'll change.
You look fine. Let's start!
Take a partner, everybody.
Hi there.
A scotch please.
A double.
When your wife of 30 years
doesn't recognize you,
when she doesn't even answer
if you speak to her...
it's not easy.
Poor man.
Alzheimer's is the pits.
I sure don't envy you.
You only have one life.
As long as I'm not dead,
I tell myself: Hang in there, Gérard!
- What are you up to, pal?
- Huh?
That's not how it goes now.
What? Did I do something wrong?
Today it's the girls who cruise.
Guys just wait.
Yeah, right!
You wait.
You let them hit on you.
You wait?
Where's the fun in that?
It's useless, Gérard.
You're not even in.
What do you mean I'm not in?
Must be the condom.
I'm not used
to these damn things.
It's not the condom.
You're not even hard.
Come on now.
You're kidding, right?
Go ahead, sir.
What's with the sir? Very funny!
Sir's my father.
No thanks.
Nah, coke...
I did lots of coke.
They used to call me Joe Blow.
It's been 15 years.
Last time I was a quarterback
with the Alouettes.
I sniffed the entire 40-yard line.
Hello, Marie-Andrée? It's Pat.
Taxi!
Hi there.
What'll it be?
We have pure Everest air,
pure Caucasus air,
pure Machu Pichu air,
pure Aconcagua air,
or pure Kilimanjaro air?
Do you have any Anapurna air?
Anapurna?
I'll see, we may be out.
We do have Matterhorn air,
it's excellent.
Fine, Matterhorn.
Coming right up.
One Matterhorn!
I feel sorry for you, Gérard.
You're young for this let-down.
It's just an off-night.
I don't know what's wrong.
Nicole, don't be cruel, OK?
Keep this to yourself.
Do it for me.
It's not easy for me.
Down for the count!
Well I'll be, Gérard!
Paulette, hi!
It's been ages.
Miss? Two Zombies, please.
Like in the good old days, right?
Listen, I hear you can't get it up.
You haven't changed!
No, I haven't.
You'll see,
just leave it to Aunt Paulette!
Thank you!
I'm Jean.
I'm Jean-Jacques.
This is Matterhorn.
Excellent.
The eternal snows...
You?
It's air from Mount Albert.
They have local brands?
I didn't know.
Can you at least try?
What do you think I'm doing?
Poor thing.
Damn...
Don't worry,
I'll take care of you.
Let's go, come on.
I think I hyperventilated.
Move back,
give the poor dear some air.
I'll give him mouth-to-mouth.
Poor dear!
No, that's OK!
I feel better. Much better.
I'm fine.
I'm fine. Just fine.
Uncle Porky's gonna have
to get hard one day!
Uncle Porky's trying, but...
Come on, my little duckie...
I'd love to, but what can I do?
I don't understand.
It feels like playdough!
Sorry!
I don't know...
Maybe something besides duckie?
You know, duckie...
What do you think? I mean...
Are you gonna get hard
one day, you fat pig!
Huh? Let's not go too far either.
Paulette, calm down!
Come on!
Aren't you dancing?
Good evening.
Good evening.
Dom Pérignon, 1998.
Taittinger,
Comtes de Champagne,
1995.
Cheers, sir.
Yes!
Yes! Yes!
Are you almost done?
My leg's starting to hurt.
Would you dance with me, please?
No, thanks.
Montreal is so beautiful at night.
It is.
The cross always has
a few burned-out bulbs.
Have you noticed?
No,
but...
now that you mention it,
I'll pay more attention.
If two hours each night
we turned off
the lights on the Mont-Royal cross,
we could save
thousands of kilowatt-hours
every year.
Would you like more champagne?
Yes, please.
Poor you.
We'll try again another time.
Don't worry, we'll make up for it.
Take care of yourself.
Aunt Paulette's going to have
a last night cap.
Home already?
Last time I play cards
Saturday night.
Did you lose?
No, I didn't lose.
I came out even.
Let me watch the end of my film!
Come dance.
Gertrude!
- Your bird house!
- Who cares?
Wait till I catch you!
C'mere!
Losing your pants?
You drive me wild!
Get over here!
Oh no, Gertrude!
- Gertrude, no!
- What's wrong?
It's too late. I came.
Yeah, I came.
Got you!
- What is it?
- Got you too!
I got you too!
I'm not homosexual.
I told my shrink,
but she wouldn't believe me.
She said I had to test myself.
It's done.
It's over with.
I'm not gay.
I didn't get hard.
I'm sorry.
But I'm so happy.
But you're gay. You got hard.
I consulted some colleagues.
We concluded that you,
Jean-Jacques,
are an extremely rare case.
The last known case like yours
was reported in Missouri
in 1985.
Brace yourself, it won't be easy.
We know, now,
that you're not homosexual.
But
you're not heterosexual either.
You don't like men,
you don't like women.
You like...
yourself.
You love yourself above anything,
which doesn't leave room
for anyone else.
Jean-Jacques,
you are autosexual.
Lucky I'm right-handed.
- Will you...?
- No.
Don't worry,
I won't stay like this.
The doctor swore it.
Really?
Hope to die...
Autosexual.
I'm autosexual.
I can't believe it.
Me, Jean-Jacques Cayouette,
autosexual.
I had a little accident.
But it's temporary,
apparently.
What can I say about myself?
Well, I'm...
Goodbye.
It's temporary.
It's a little accident I had
stunting for
Brad Pitt.
As you can see,
I'm working on myself.
I'm a new man.
The real Jean-Jacques.
But,
even so,
I don't feel happier.
The emptiness is still there.
Gérard!
Come here, Gérard!
Marie-Andrée?
Subtitling: CNST, Montreal
Gérard, The Bull
Jean-Jacques, The Peacock
Patrice, The Lion
MEET MARKET
Hello, Myriam?
Myriam, it's me.
Well, as we said,
I'll be there at around...
Call you back.
Serge, come!
Come!
Serge, hurry!
I'm coming! I'm coming!
Hurry, Serge!
Serge, it hurts!
It hurts!
Help me!
Help me get up!
Hold on.
- Did you call the ambulance?
- Yes.
Serge?
My waters broke.
Arrivaderci!
Stuntman, please!
Hurry, you're wanted on set.
Thanks.
I'd work more
if American actors were taller.
They're shrimps.
The last U.S. shoot,
I couldn't stunt for Tom Cruise.
He comes up to here.
Serge!
It's me, not him!
He's early, I'm not ready.
Serge?
Remember to call my husband!
Tell him to bring my things.
And call Mom.
Don't forget Mom!
Thanks, little brother.
Maybe you should
add some padding here.
Costume's too tight.
Go on, you're fine.
And a helmet?
- Go on, Schwarzenegger!
- No helmet?
Hello, Myriam?
It's me, Jean-Jacques, again.
Look, I'll be over
in about 10 minutes.
See you, darling.
She must be in the shower.
Where's the stuntman?
Can I call you back?
I'd appreciate it.
Salome, 35.
5 foot 11,
sporty, seeks yuppy
for a trip around the world.
7-figure income only.
Mylène, forties. I love sex.
I want a man for sex
and nothing but sex.
Get the idea?
I'm Serge, I'm looking for love.
I'm Serge...
I'm love...
Silly! "I'm love"!
C'mon, open!
What is it today?
Gertrude?
There! The lock...
What now?
Come on!
What is this?
Gertrude!
Come on, Gertrude!
You can't do this to me.
Not after 30 years of marriage!
This way.
Hide over there.
That's it.
Sorry, I have the wrong door.
I'm sorry, forgive me.
Isn't this Myriam Legendre's
apartment?
Myriam doesn't want
to see you anymore.
Thank you.
I'm Serge, forties. Late forties.
Serious, but likes to have fun.
Likes animals.
I'm looking for a woman
who's easy-going
and pretty-ish.
My phone number is 514 842...
Gosh darnit!
Excuse me.
- Hello?
- Hello, Serge.
- Oh, Mom?
- Your sister delivered.
Wait, don't tell me!
I want to make a wish.
- A girl?
- Yes.
I won!
I won! I guessed right!
Hi there.
It's me!
I gave those Americans
a knock-out performance!
The director couldn't believe it.
He said that in Québec, the...
The stuntmen are...
top-notch.
Marie-Andrée?
"I can't take it anymore. Bye-bye.
Marie-Andrée."
Hello, boss.
Did somebody die?
No, no.
Well then,
how bout we take inventory?
No inventory today.
How long had you been together?
Two months.
In a few weeks.
Did you love her that deeply?
No.
Jean-Jacques,
what do you want from a woman?
Gertrude?
It's me.
Gérard.
Your husband.
Gertrude?
Pick it up.
I'm not home!
Gertrude, jeez!
Dammit!
My days are endless.
Feels like three weeks already.
I can't work, can't sleep or eat.
I have no more oomph.
Come on!
Come on, Gertrude!
Wait a minute. Let me ex...
Gertrude, let me explain!
Let me...
I'd put a mattress there.
Beaudoin, you goddamn fucker!
- Lower him!
- Sure, boss.
Know how much that American's
gonna fucking cost me?
Before you ruin my business,
I want you out!
Don't ever come back!
Is that clear?
Do you think he meant it?
Hello?
Yes, speaking.
Who?
Suzy?
I have tickets for Vegas!
Take your babes to Vegas!
Gertrude, wait.
It was an accident.
I didn't cheat on you.
It was an accident.
It was just one time.
Hello, what can I bring you?
Do you have Instock Iceberg
crystalline water?
Yes.
I'd like an Ushuaïa water.
Fine choice.
Do you happen to have water
from the glacier in
Spitzberg?
Yes, of course.
What about Jungfrau water?
- Yes.
- Jungfraujoch water?
So, did you miss me...
my pretty Suzy?
Think you can buy me?
Aren't you good-looking!
You're so cute!
Thank you.
How old are you?
Two.
Do you come here often?
Yes.
- What's your name?
- Serge.
I mean, Suzy.
- Hi there!
- Bye, Suzy!
C'mon Suzy.
Wait, I'm at my dad's.
- Hi Dad!
- Hi!
What happened?
Marie-Andrée left.
She moved out.
I hate seeing you sad.
Well, at least work's going great.
How are you?
I can't be ready by 7!
No, I'm talking to Tanya.
Thank you for...
Dad! I'm talking to you!
Yeah, hi, hold on a sec.
Thanks for my trip to New York.
It's the best present
you ever gave me!
- My pleasure.
- No, not him!
If he's there, I'm not going!
He's disgusting!
Look... Dad!
You should get out, meet people.
Where can I go?
Yeah, I'm on my way.
You and Marie-Andrée,
it was coming.
I gotta go. Love you!
- Me too.
- Sure, Kim has it.
Wait, I have another call.
William, hi!
You are so beautiful!
You're perfect.
You...
You make me so horny!
DANCE SCHOOL
This is Sylvie.
She's a new student
we're thrilled to have.
Hello!
Let's go over our samba steps.
Music, please!
Left, right.
Left, right.
Left, forward, right, place.
Left, place. Right, place.
Once more.
Left, place. Right, place.
One and two.
To the side!
Keep the beat!
OK, everybody, choose a partner.
Come, Serge.
Gertrude, listen.
"Dear Gertrude,
I know I did things that were wrong,
but those days are done and gone.
No more will I stray,
it's with you I want
all my life to stay.
Without you, it's true,
my life is through.
I'll be faithful with kisses,
like a loon to his missus.
I'll be your loving honeybee
and you my queen."
Did you write that?
Come in, you dolt.
Come on!
Do you want to or not?
It's not that...
You have a bunion.
So? I have a bunion.
It's just that, me...
It makes me...
Forget my bunion!
Look at that!
My toe turns you off?
You're funny! A hairpiece?
I'm sorry!
Forgive me.
I wasn't expecting it!
That's hilarious!
Sorry!
Mrs Toupin?
Mrs Toupin?
Sorry.
Mrs Toupin?
I don't know what it is, doc.
I have a knot here.
I figured it'd go away by itself.
But it hasn't. It's like a lump.
It doesn't look good.
High blood pressure.
Soon arthritis, cholesterol...
Your prostate will act up.
You pee at night?
Takes 15 or 20 minutes
to wake up?
Don't worry.
It's normal.
It's called middle age.
Any changes in your life?
Just that my girlfriend dumped me.
I don't get it. We were doing so well.
So I thought.
Came out of left field.
Your erections?
It's firm at the base,
softer in the middle,
and rock hard from there to the tip.
I was just joking, doc.
Sex is no laughing matter.
Ready?
Hold your horses, kiddo.
Let's get things straight.
We'll work on your body,
then your mind.
Just my luck. I bet today's
the two for one special.
Two fingers instead of one.
Put on some music,
lower the lights a little.
Take a deep breath.
Relax.
I haven't started.
Here goes.
No free rides.
You have to be careful,
exercise regularly, do cardio.
Take up a sport.
I don't know, jogging
or roller blading.
Get your sex life in shape.
And learn to relax.
There are conditions
if you want me back.
First, flab doesn't turn me on.
You'll diet. Second,
the next fling, you're out of here.
Third, when I feel like it,
I'll decide when we make love.
No canoodling until
I'm sure you've changed.
But Gertrude!
Fourth...
Listen, Jean-Jacques.
In eight years of therapy...
I'll come to the point.
I'll be frank with you.
What I've wanted to tell you
for so long...
what I've tried to lead you
to discover yourself...
what I have to tell you,
Jean-Jacques,
is that you may be gay.
You're not serious?
I am.
- Come off it.
- Yes, Jean-Jacques.
I mean it.
You have to experience it, try it,
to find out if you are
or if you aren't.
It'll melt away like butter.
Can't we take it nice and easy?
I'll become so weak!
Eat while it's hot.
You know I hate cauliflower.
It's broccoli.
Broccoli, cauliflower...
Glucoflex.
Omega-3.
Active male multi-vitamin.
- Idiot!
- Sure got you!
You haven't changed.
Hey, Chief.
- I got you, huh?
- And how!
- I got you!
- Is Marie-Andrée with you?
It's true, you don't know.
I'll let you in on it,
but keep it to yourself.
I broke up with Marie-Andrée.
Come off it!
I split up.
You didn't!
Are you in love?
You're in love, right?
A younger chick, right?
Is that it?
How old is she?
32.
Nearly 33.
You lucky bastard!
I gotta go.
Some guys have all the luck!
- See you, Chief.
- Bye.
Excuse me!
How bout a quick spin cycle?
The laundry's done.
Sort your socks instead.
My socks! My socks!
Who cares about my socks?
I can't take it!
My balls are going to burst!
One of them's turned navy blue.
I need to make love.
It's in my blood. I'm a Simoneau.
My dad was like me.
My brothers are like me.
We have too much taster...
tester...
- Toast-your-own...
- Testosterone!
Right.
I need to let go.
Do you understand?
It's not healthy.
Is your wrist arthritic?
Come on!
You know I don't like to mas...
to masturbate.
I love you, I want you.
I'm not ready!
Why do you smell of garlic?
I'll go finish my bird house.
Me,
Jean-Jacques,
a homo...
A quee...
A fag!
Goddammitall!
There, it's finished!
I can't get my head around it.
I have to see the doctor.
She's with a client.
Shall I make an appointment?
I have to see her right away.
How about the 18th at 10?
Sure, the 18th, today, now!
I just can't get my head around it!
Sorry, madame, but it's urgent.
Doctor, I'm not gay.
It's impossible!
I'd have sensed it before now.
Jean-Jacques,
to be certain, you have to try it.
Really, it's impossible.
I don't want to be gay!
What will people take me for?
What will they think?
Anything, but not gay!
Who wants to be gay?
Sorry to harp on it, but...
Do you think today's the day?
Does that mean today's not the day?
I like your carrot salad.
It's tasty.
Excuse me!
Excuse me!
Excuse me!
Excuse me!
Thanks.
Hello, Maurice?
Gérard.
Listen, Maurice,
I've a little favor to ask.
Hello, Marie-Andrée?
It's me, Patrice.
No, this isn't a joke. It's me.
It's me, really.
Don't hang up. It's me, Patrice.
No, I'm not OK.
I had a little accident at work.
Do you think...
we could get together tonight?
It's Maurice,
he's called three times.
I don't want to play cards.
I like being home.
He's an old friend.
I don't want to leave you alone.
It's OK, Henriette's coming over.
- Sure you don't mind?
- Course not.
Where are your costumes?
We said dress to kill.
I heard dress like in Brazil.
I'll change.
You look fine. Let's start!
Take a partner, everybody.
Hi there.
A scotch please.
A double.
When your wife of 30 years
doesn't recognize you,
when she doesn't even answer
if you speak to her...
it's not easy.
Poor man.
Alzheimer's is the pits.
I sure don't envy you.
You only have one life.
As long as I'm not dead,
I tell myself: Hang in there, Gérard!
- What are you up to, pal?
- Huh?
That's not how it goes now.
What? Did I do something wrong?
Today it's the girls who cruise.
Guys just wait.
Yeah, right!
You wait.
You let them hit on you.
You wait?
Where's the fun in that?
It's useless, Gérard.
You're not even in.
What do you mean I'm not in?
Must be the condom.
I'm not used
to these damn things.
It's not the condom.
You're not even hard.
Come on now.
You're kidding, right?
Go ahead, sir.
What's with the sir? Very funny!
Sir's my father.
No thanks.
Nah, coke...
I did lots of coke.
They used to call me Joe Blow.
It's been 15 years.
Last time I was a quarterback
with the Alouettes.
I sniffed the entire 40-yard line.
Hello, Marie-Andrée? It's Pat.
Taxi!
Hi there.
What'll it be?
We have pure Everest air,
pure Caucasus air,
pure Machu Pichu air,
pure Aconcagua air,
or pure Kilimanjaro air?
Do you have any Anapurna air?
Anapurna?
I'll see, we may be out.
We do have Matterhorn air,
it's excellent.
Fine, Matterhorn.
Coming right up.
One Matterhorn!
I feel sorry for you, Gérard.
You're young for this let-down.
It's just an off-night.
I don't know what's wrong.
Nicole, don't be cruel, OK?
Keep this to yourself.
Do it for me.
It's not easy for me.
Down for the count!
Well I'll be, Gérard!
Paulette, hi!
It's been ages.
Miss? Two Zombies, please.
Like in the good old days, right?
Listen, I hear you can't get it up.
You haven't changed!
No, I haven't.
You'll see,
just leave it to Aunt Paulette!
Thank you!
I'm Jean.
I'm Jean-Jacques.
This is Matterhorn.
Excellent.
The eternal snows...
You?
It's air from Mount Albert.
They have local brands?
I didn't know.
Can you at least try?
What do you think I'm doing?
Poor thing.
Damn...
Don't worry,
I'll take care of you.
Let's go, come on.
I think I hyperventilated.
Move back,
give the poor dear some air.
I'll give him mouth-to-mouth.
Poor dear!
No, that's OK!
I feel better. Much better.
I'm fine.
I'm fine. Just fine.
Uncle Porky's gonna have
to get hard one day!
Uncle Porky's trying, but...
Come on, my little duckie...
I'd love to, but what can I do?
I don't understand.
It feels like playdough!
Sorry!
I don't know...
Maybe something besides duckie?
You know, duckie...
What do you think? I mean...
Are you gonna get hard
one day, you fat pig!
Huh? Let's not go too far either.
Paulette, calm down!
Come on!
Aren't you dancing?
Good evening.
Good evening.
Dom Pérignon, 1998.
Taittinger,
Comtes de Champagne,
1995.
Cheers, sir.
Yes!
Yes! Yes!
Are you almost done?
My leg's starting to hurt.
Would you dance with me, please?
No, thanks.
Montreal is so beautiful at night.
It is.
The cross always has
a few burned-out bulbs.
Have you noticed?
No,
but...
now that you mention it,
I'll pay more attention.
If two hours each night
we turned off
the lights on the Mont-Royal cross,
we could save
thousands of kilowatt-hours
every year.
Would you like more champagne?
Yes, please.
Poor you.
We'll try again another time.
Don't worry, we'll make up for it.
Take care of yourself.
Aunt Paulette's going to have
a last night cap.
Home already?
Last time I play cards
Saturday night.
Did you lose?
No, I didn't lose.
I came out even.
Let me watch the end of my film!
Come dance.
Gertrude!
- Your bird house!
- Who cares?
Wait till I catch you!
C'mere!
Losing your pants?
You drive me wild!
Get over here!
Oh no, Gertrude!
- Gertrude, no!
- What's wrong?
It's too late. I came.
Yeah, I came.
Got you!
- What is it?
- Got you too!
I got you too!
I'm not homosexual.
I told my shrink,
but she wouldn't believe me.
She said I had to test myself.
It's done.
It's over with.
I'm not gay.
I didn't get hard.
I'm sorry.
But I'm so happy.
But you're gay. You got hard.
I consulted some colleagues.
We concluded that you,
Jean-Jacques,
are an extremely rare case.
The last known case like yours
was reported in Missouri
in 1985.
Brace yourself, it won't be easy.
We know, now,
that you're not homosexual.
But
you're not heterosexual either.
You don't like men,
you don't like women.
You like...
yourself.
You love yourself above anything,
which doesn't leave room
for anyone else.
Jean-Jacques,
you are autosexual.
Lucky I'm right-handed.
- Will you...?
- No.
Don't worry,
I won't stay like this.
The doctor swore it.
Really?
Hope to die...
Autosexual.
I'm autosexual.
I can't believe it.
Me, Jean-Jacques Cayouette,
autosexual.
I had a little accident.
But it's temporary,
apparently.
What can I say about myself?
Well, I'm...
Goodbye.
It's temporary.
It's a little accident I had
stunting for
Brad Pitt.
As you can see,
I'm working on myself.
I'm a new man.
The real Jean-Jacques.
But,
even so,
I don't feel happier.
The emptiness is still there.
Gérard!
Come here, Gérard!
Marie-Andrée?
Subtitling: CNST, Montreal