Cruising Bar (1989) - full transcript

In this outrageous comedy (where the lead characters are played by the same actor), four men from very different backgrounds set out to go "babe-hunting" on a Saturday night. Follow a very shy nerd, a broken- hearted junkie, a snob yuppy, and a middle-aged married man through their amazing ordeal!

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As Jean-Jacques, the Peacock,
Gérard, the Bull

Patrice, the Lion,
Serge, the Worm

Meet Market

Have we met before?

This is crazy.

Bravo!

Bravissimo, Jean-Jacques!

Splendido!

Splendido!

A truly brilliant finish.

After only ten lessons...



Your technique is marvellous.

You're irresistible now.

Can you feel it? Irresistible.

Bye-bye insecurity... they'll
throw themselves at your feet.

Thanks so much Marcello.

Welcome!

My friend, I have to go.

Oh yeah.

Thanks.

And if you need any fine tuning
remember the Scuola di Marcello.

- Hi Boss.
- Hi Henri.

Any calls?

How're things, honey?

Fine, 'n you?



Oh Gérard...

you shouldn't have.

Like it?

It's so gorgeous.

You spoil me.

Forget it... It's nothing.

Uh, here... make me two copies.

Okay.

Henri...

Why don't you call it a day?

Thanks boss.

All set to take inventory?

Beaudoin!

Stand by.

Beaudoin!

Beaudoin!

Hurry, Beaudoin!

We need the props
to start shooting.

Hi Patrice.

- Changed your mind?
- No.

If only you knew
what you're missing.

You can't refuse me.

Where's that numbskull propman?

Everybody needs me.

Think it over.

Beaudoin!

Remember!

Coming.

Who stuck me with that idiot?

Cows have more brains
in their hindquarters. Move!

Okay, here we go.

Ready to roll, sir.

What about this one?

Nice.

It's just...

the color...

That's the look this year.

You don't like it?

I do.

Hello.

Hello.

A dozen condoms please.

Any preference?

Something that's strong
yet supple.

Goat intestines'll do it.

Make it intestines then.

Do you like it?

I don't feel right somehow.

Well walk around.

Back, I need to see you.

Not around the block.

Alright.

Come back.

You have to look casual.

We're having a promotion.
You get a free sample...

the SD...

or Squid Delight.

It's a sample.

What?

A squid free.

Six Chevrolet headlights.

How many seats do we have?

One, two...

Five.

How are they?

Not bad.

Try this one.

Fine.

C'mon Lisette, give it a workout.

Harder, Lisette.

Put some bounce into it.

Come on!

Go on.

Well?

Pretty good.

Lemme try too.

Hello, Jean-Jacques Cayouette.

Quiet.

Quiet!

Camera!

Sound's rolling.

Slate it.

Cricri Soap, take 1.

Ready.

Action!

I don't give a damn
about the union!

They can mind
their bloody business.

We're ready, sir.

For your comfort,
I put another carpet

in the bottom of the bath.

Of the bath.

Are you cold?

Don't be nervous,

You're gonna be beautiful!

The director is French,
from France.

Could somebody take care
of this guy?

Beaudoin!

He's heavy a lot,

But he's very sympathique.

Beaudoin!

Anything you need, my name is...

Beaudoin!

Action!

I have to wait...

a few minutes

Cricri Soap, take 64.

Action!

If your complexion

deserves to be glamourous

and your skin to be the softest,

then you need Cricri.

...these two British girls...

Cricri.

The only soap with
no artificial sense...

I couldn't tell him
his fiancée was there...

You will never smell the same.

Cricri.

For the natural woman
who loves natural smells.

Cricri.

Is it a wrap?

Francine, busy tonight?

Got a party.

What're we doing tonight?

I'm going to a party.

Louise, I have to talk to you.

I'll see you at the party.

What party?

Where?

Hi kids.

Hi!

Pass it here.

C'mon, pass it.

Kick it to Charlie.

Shoot the ball!

You okay, Dad?

Oh! Yes...

For you, Sonia.

Listen, I...

I'm lonely.

I miss this place.

I miss you.

I swear, I've laid off coke,

I hardly go out...

I'm not ready,

I need to think it over.

Think or thwim.

When I'm ready I'll call you.

I'm going crazy.

Not off the deep end yet...

but getting there.

Should I return it,
or do you like it?

Thanks.

- Want me to carry it?
- No, I can.

It's heavy.

- Bye.
- Bye.

We've got to do
inventory, Gertrude.

Takes more than a week.

Some last week,
some this week...

A few more days'll do it.

We have a lot of stock.

It's true...

it's slow-going with Henri.

He'd rather try out the seats
than count them.

Still, it's a shame.

We could've spent
a quiet evening together

just the two of us...

rented a video.

What?

It was your idea to do it.

I know but...

I didn't think
it would take so long.

And now the Chamber
of Commerce...

- Why don't you quit?
- Quit?

I meet a lot of people.

It's good for business, for PR.

Saturday night?

Why not Monday?

Not a bad idea.

Not bad at all... Monday.
Why not?

Sure.

Didn't think of that.

I'll mention it tonight.

Monday... of course.

Sure.

Scuse me... scuse me.

Scuse me.

Excuse me, Miss.

Would you like to dance?

Please?

Would you like to dance please?

Scuse me.

Would you like to dance please?

Scuse me.

Excuse me.

Would you like to dance? Please?

With me?

Let me fix your collar.

I won't be late.

See ya Paul.

Good evening.

Yes sir?

A Blanche de Bruges.

We're out.

Sorry.

How bout a Liefmans Goudenband?

We don't have it.

An Abbaye de Bonne Espérance.

Don't know it.

Pity, it's a world-class beer.

Oh!

Have you ever tried O'Keefe?

I'll take an O'Keefe.

Hey, catch that blonde.

Now, she's hot.

Yeah, but... she's fat, shit.

Not the fat one, jerk...
next to her.

Oh! Wow!

Now her...

my little apartment...

a little bottle of wine,

my little bed...

Your little dick...

How did you take it?

Real hard at first.

I bet.

Sure wasn't easy.

15 years with the same woman...

and she dumps you for another.

But you can't give up.

So I said, "I'm healthy...

Life goes on, Gérard!"

Dance?

This seat taken?

No.

May I?

Scuse me.

Would you care to dance please?

Another time maybe?

Come dance!

Hey, Ears...

our search is over.

Those two...

Let's go get'em.

Think so?

Ya wanna bet?

Goddam lesbians.

Lovely dress.

Thank you.

I'm sure we've met.

Oh yeah?

I wonder where?

It's my first time here.

I used to like the Paradise.

Perhaps we met at Maxim's?

Or Chez William?

My name's Jessica.

Excuse me, William.

Come dance!

Scuse me.

Hey Beaudoin.

Wanna do a line?

No thanks, guys. Not tonight.

You know, those new condos

on Sherbrooke St...

Oh!

I'm on the 17th floor.
It's great.

A lovely view...

You?

What?

Your view?

Yes, I agree.

Hi!

Were you looking for me?

You have one last chance.

You'll see.

I've changed.

You won't be sorry.

Sonia... I love you!

God I'm happy!

And I travel a lot...

I play tennis...

run my dad's business...

And then....
every morning I go jogging.

I run 100 miles
in just under an hour.

After that I shower
with the janitor.

You?

Me too.

Then in the evening

I go to bars and meet
interesting people.

People with...

lots to say

who listen when you talk.

But you meet assholes too.

Now and then.

Nice to have met you.

Me too.

Have fun.

Keep going.

Keep going.

My little bunny.

My little kitten...

You've got to come.

No, keep going.

You have to, I'm almost there.

Not yet, keep going.

- I'm going to come.
- Don't stop.

- I can feel it.
- Not yet!

Ain't love beautiful.

All you need is love...

Oh! Oh! Come on!

All right! All right!

I don't know those jerks.

Let's dance.

You have to come.

No, not yet.

Don't stop!

I'm coming!

Not yet!

More.

I've come.

Not yet, don't stop!

Yeah, but I came.

It hurts... Are you coming?

More, more!

I can't, it hurts.

Coming?

No!

But it hurts!

Not yet.

You'll come later.

Jeez, am I happy!

Try this, it's amazing.

Great stuff!

Not tonight guys.

Don't want to blow it.

Come on! Come on!

Go ahead.

Is it that good?

Terrific!

Nah, I don't need it.

I'm in love.

In love!

Hear that, Jaws?

Beaudoin's in love.

He's in love,
he doesn't need that.

In love! In love!

Shit!

A shame I'm on night shift.

Darn hospital.

We'll take a rain check.

Hope so.

Look after yourself.

Time for a Continental everybody!

Let's have one last drink.

Hi there.

Cat eat your tongue?

Get lost, ya slob.

I like women with spunk.

Why, my favorite drink.

A Hawaiian Punch.

Hmm!

Gérard.

Marguerite.

Let's have two more punches!

Think there'll be
room for me soon?

Screw you!

You okay?

A Perrier.

A Bloody Mary?

No, Perrier, Perrier...

Be right back.

It must have been terrible.

15 years with the same woman

and she dies.

Cancer...

But you can't give up.

So I said, "I'm healthy...

Life goes on, Gérard!"

What a great attitude.

Want to dance?

Handsome lighter.

Let's go...

Hurry!

Beaudoin!

Just one line.

Oh no!

C'mon, one little line.

God, love makes you boring.

Fuck and trip!

It's great, the best!

You guys don't let up.

That's little?

I used to smoke non-filters.

Really?

Yeah.

For three years.

But, for about... two years

I've smoked filters.

Yeah, two years...

that's right.

If the Canadian government...

I mean, they are experts...

If they print on every pack

"Avoid inhaling".

I thought to myself...

"Maybe you should
avoid inhaling too."

Your place or mine?

Two Martini & sodas.

Have a seat?

Another Martini & soda?

Two Martini & sodas.

Two Martini & sodas.

Hi! Baby!

Scuse me.

Scuse me.

Scuse me.

Scuse me.

Scuse me.

Yes, Gérard, yes!

No!

Oh yes!

Yes!

Aah!

Gérard!

Yes!

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Yes!

Aah!

Yes!

Aah!

Hmm, hmm...

That was good!

Oh Gérard!

Let's dance.

Did you put 1 or 2 caps
of acid in his coke?

Just 3.

You're beautiful...

so soft.

You smell so good.

You're beautiful,

so soft.

Your ears...

your earlobes,

your shoulders.

Hmm! Hmm!

Your breasts,

your thighs...

Beat it!

C'mon!

I don't know what it is.

Please don't think it's you.

It's not you.

It's me.

Listen...

I'll just be a minute.

The King.

My little bunny,

my little kitten.

Whoopsa daisy.
You wanna drive, huh?

Beaudoin! Beaudoin!

Beaudoin! Beaudoin!

Scuse me.

Can I go to the washroom please?

It'll wait.

So you like it rough?

Oh yeah!

You're a pig.

Yeah, insult me. Turns me on.

You swine, you're disgusting.

Good, hit me. Turns me on.

Again!

Hit me!

More!

Your hips...

your shoulders

your earlobes,

your shoulders...

Ouch! Ouch!

I'll give you a taste of it!

Take it easy.

Hey, that's enough.

Scumbag! You're disgusting.

Dirty skirt-chaser!
Big fat slut.

Chamber of Commerce, my eye!

Gertrude!

Why are you here?

Don't you get enough?

I'll give you some PR!

You'll see!

Gertrude, wait!

You slime!

Let me explain.

I saw everything!

It's the first time.

20 years of marriage!

I'll tell the kids!

Leave them out of this,
let me explain!

Like your filthy brothers!

I love you!

Liar, go away.

Gertrude!

Go away!

God dammit!

I don't understand.

I don't understand.

I just don't.

I mean...

you're beautiful,
you've got class.

Don't get upset, it can happen.

Don't get upset?

Easy for you to say.

You women have it easy,

you can pretend.

Wo there!

Don't blame the world
for your problem.

Your disease can be treated.

Softy!

Ciao!

Some time later

The Peacock, the Bull,
the Lion, the Worm

C'est pas de notre faute à nous

Si on aime beaucoup

C'est notre nature

Besoin d'aventure

De courir les bars

Prêts à s'émouvoir
juste pour les voir

Jouer du regard

Du matin au soir

S'armer de patience

En état d'urgence

Prêts à s'étourdir

Prêts à les servir

Prêts à leur mentir

Juste pour séduire

Répondez-nous s'il vous plaît

Répondez-leur

S'il vous plaît

Ils ont

Si mal d'être aimés

Nous avons besoin d'aimer

Nous avons besoin d'aimer

Bravo Serge!

Bravissimo!

Splendid.

A truly brilliant finish.

You're irresistible now.

Irresistible.

If you need any fine tuning,
remember the Scuola di Marcello.

- Just for you.
- Thanks.

The eyes, it's all in the eyes.

Ciao!

Grazie.