Crossing Over (2017) - full transcript

- (throat clearing)

- [Narrator] Just because you're
casting the next big thing,

it doesn't mean the talent always

walks into the casting room.

♪ I would be on the casting couch ♪

♪ I would be the best that they ever had ♪

- [Man] Born ready.

(rock music)

- People are always talking shit about me

but you know what. (grunting)

- Yeah, I just like, hum,



you haven't got any toilet
around here or something like?

- I just love gettin'
all naughty, you know?

And just (growling) getting naked.

- It is hard to be a model,

I think, you know, put your right foot,

and then, put the other
one in front of it.

- And we would get it on.

- Who is my favorite actor?

Do I care?

- You know, I used to do porn.

- I will give acting a shot,

yeah, that's why

- Can you even see my shoes in that shot?

It looks like it's just
pointing at my face.



- M... MM... MMMM...

Err... Just give me a sec, just a second.

Thanks.

- I feel like Kate Winslet,

you know, that bit in Titanic,

where she's like dying or some shit.

- I need cock now!

- [Man] Oh my god.

Can I get some tissues.

- If you're not going to put the shoes in,

I'm not doing this, that's it.

- I care about me, me, me, me, me, and me!

Fuck Al Pacino!

♪ It's okay, but I'd
rather be in California ♪

(twangy music)

♪ Marilyn's waiting on me ♪

♪ But I'm drinking Old Fashioned's
with Marlon and Deano ♪

♪ Don't wake me up ♪

♪ From this American dream ♪

♪ Elvis is singing for me ♪

♪ But I'm cracking funnies
with Stan and Ollie ♪

♪ So don't wake me up ♪

♪ From this American dream ♪

♪ Well it's Hollywood or bust ♪

♪ Take a plane, a train, a bus ♪

♪ Just gotta be there ♪

♪ Or helicopter in from
your yacht to limousine ♪

♪ And live the dream, yeah ♪

- [Narrator] Agela was a child actress

who became famous because
of her winning smile.

She now put's her mouth
to good use in other ways.

As you'll see.

- Here we go, your usual, extra strong.

- Thanks, gorgeous.

I hope it was made with extra love.

(throat clearing)

- [Narrator] Angela's
assistant and friend,

though I'm not sure Carla
would describe it that way.

Born to Spanish parents

and graduating with a degree
in business and marketing,

Carla has dreams of being a housewife.

I'd marry her.

- Angela, I guessed you'd be here.

An urgent breakdown came in from LA

after you left the office yesterday.

I forward you the details,
and I left you a voicemail.

Oh, also, a new file of
head shots were received.

Are you okay?

- I was, or at least I would have been,

but clearly you and the
universe have other ideas,

so I need to put that
notion on hold right now.

- What, what happened?

- You happened, Carla.

The moment is broken, unlikely to return.

You were about to grace my day
with some life-changing news?

- Oh, it's a movie with several roles

they've been struggling to cast.

They're streaming
auditions around the world

at 9 am LA time.

- So, less than eight hours
to submit enough actors

for an entire Hollywood movie.

Next you'll be telling me

they want a complete cast of unknowns.

Oh, terrific.

Are you trying to ensure
the onset of cardiac death?

I don't know why you don't
shut up the agency right now,

start on my eulogy this afternoon.

How's John?

Knocked him off yet?

- Impotent and available.

- You're clearly distraught about it.

- No, Peter is comforting me.

- Who am I gonna cast in these roles?

Tom is already booked out
until the end of the year.

Helen's a liability since
congratulating that director

on still having a career
after his last movie.

Sam only seems capable

of committing one expression to celluloid.

Uh huh uh

Marsha turned up on set for
her emotional death scene

off her tits on smack.

Since social media everybody
wants everything yesterday.

I swear to god, I message
people and they respond

even before I've had the
chance to press send.

Between them and predictive
text, guessing my every word

before I've even finished--

- Typing it.

- Thinking it.

- Oh, I think I'm gonna go and check my--

- Ruin someone else's day.

Call someone else on your bucket list.

Who is it this time?

Chris, David, Matt?

I don't know why you don't just
refer to them all by number.

- I just want a good man.

Maybe a doctor.

- Keep your legs together.

Increase your chances.

Aye, yai, yai, yai.

Right, Trading Faces.

- [Narrator] Joshua's dream was
to become a race care driver

until he realised he
didn't like going fast.

What a wanker.

Now he dreams of owning a bar abroad,

which is kinda like
having no dream at all.

- Oh, goodie, goodie, goodie, specifics.

Well, at least it might
make their personalities

more interesting.

Let's see...

Hi, Dom, how are you?

Sorry, is that Dominic or Dominique?

Apologies, I couldn't tell if
you were male or female then.

It's Angela.

Angela Winters.

Your agent.

What do you mean I no longer represent--

- [Narrator] Voted UK
Agent of the Year... 1989.

♪ Here you are standing in front of me ♪

♪ Wiggle my toes for you so lovely ♪

- [Narrator] This is acclaimed
author and screenwriter,

Hank Prettyman, of
award-winning independent films

such as The mystery drama,
Grandma Lost Her Keys,

and it's sequel, They're in the Fridge.

We join Hank on one of his vlogs,

responding to the fans' tweets

about his debut Hollywood
movie, Trading Faces.

- What inspired the
idea for Trading Faces?

It's a social commentary

about people always wanting
what they can't have,

and the drama they'll endure to get it,

shown through a series of
interconnecting relationships

and stories, sort of a who's fucking who,

metaphorically,

speaking.

- [Narrator] So, we
have another creepy man

using social media.

It's just lucky men like
this don't run countries.

Let's meet the faithful eight,

Angela been busy sourcing for auditions.

Priya, Sacha, Ezra, Jennifer,

Anika, Evgeny, Jason, and Jonny.

(energetic music)

- Nope, thanks.

Angela are you sure you meant to call me?

Okay.

I've got to focus.

It's the biggest audition
I'm every gonna get.

Better not fuck it up.

Well, that's not being fair to myself.

I don't think it's
impossible I'll get this job.

I probably won't tell them

that I've never filmed anything before,

except, of course, that
video me parents made of me

in the bath as a baby.

My first experience on camera,

and I decide to start wanking.

Well, probably not gonna
have to do that this time.

Unless they ask.

Chances are they probably won't.

What am I gonna wear?

I know.

(energetic music)

- LA, baby.

- [Narrator] Jason sees
himself as playing a bit

of a Jason Bourne type.

I haven't watched the films myself

'cause I've heard they're shit,

but apparently he forgets
his name, and so does Jason.

(energetic music)

♪ Going to America she said ♪

♪ Cocktails by the swimming pool instead ♪

♪ I know that we can change the rules ♪

♪ Said I was too old to be on stage ♪

♪ I ignore them 'cause
I'm acting half my age ♪

♪ I know that we could change it ♪

♪ Hit me up, don't leave me hanging ♪

- Not how I imagined.

- Thank you very much for your order, sir.

And don't forget, you want
Russian wife, a Russian wife com.

Have a good day.

I would never marry Russian.

(snorting)

I'm not crazy.

I found myself a British wife.

(phone vibrating)

You want Russian wife, Russian
wife com, Evgeny speaking.

How can I help you?

- [Narrator] A dodgy Russian?

Nice to see this film's not stereotyping.

Let's face it, the Russian was never

gonna just be an accountant.

- I'm sorry, we have a
strict no-return policy.

What?

You say she's dirty?

You don't like dirty?

Ah, ha.

She doesn't wash.

I'm really sorry, sir,

but the ad clearly said
dirty Russian wife.

Yeah, I mean,

of course, sure, yes.

I can connect you to my boss.

Just give me a second.

No worries.

(beat boxing)

Hello Evgeny Sergeyev speaking,

Okay.

(vacuum whirring)

Honey, not now, I need to
focus for the audition.

My wife's name is Honey.

Pretty convenient, huh?

She also makes great curry
with the chapati bread, mmm.

Don't tell her, but I'm
thinking to expanding

I'm already contacting
some potential merchandise.

Very good.

(energetic music)

- Oh my god, going to LA.

So excited.

Time to celebrate.

Champagne, baby.

Oh my god.

(cork popping)

(gulping)

Mmm.

Oh hello, I'm Anika.

I'm from Ukraine.

I work in Harrod's.

Good company, you know,
like rich people there.

And I work in cosmetics

because I like to take
care of myself, you know...

I think all girls should
take care of themselves,

that's how you find a good man.

- [Narrator] Anika, quite unbelievably,

has never been paid for sex.

I would.

- And I also work,
sometimes at night, in bars.

I make great cocktails, oh my god.

My favorite is 'Porn Star Martini'.

'Porn Star Martini' is
my favorite cocktail.

You know why?

Because it has champagne in it.

- Why did I choose to make
this my first Hollywood movie?

Well it's the first one
they offered to buy.

Only joking.

Well, sort of.

It's hard to know what the studios

are going to go for, in truth.

I mean I don't just blow
shit up like Michael Bay.

The closest that man's
ever got to dealing with

feminism in society is when he

didn't zoom in on Megan Fox tits.

(gentle music)

- [Jennifer] Oh my god, it's happening.

I'm going, I'm going to LA.

Wait, I might not be going yet.

No, I'm going, I'm going.

It's gonna happen.

What's the view gonna be like?

Finally no more looking
at this, no more London.

Oh wait, they're gonna make me fly.

Oh no, I hate flying.

Oh, I'll go in a boat.

I'll make them send me in a boat.

- [Narrator] With
Jennifer's obvious career,

flight attendant, out the window,

the logical choice, Hollywood superstar.

Given the current trend
for reboots, remakes,

prequels, and spin offs, 'Pretty Woman'

with a Manc hooker would
certainly strike a different tone.

(mellow music)

- Hey, hey.

Guess what?

I love peanuts.

I've always wanted to be an actor, right.

And one time I actually
got into a peanut advert.

Well, I went for an audition anyway.

And um, I never got it.

- [Narrator] Apparently
he inspects each nut

before eating it.

Freak.

- So ladies, guess what?

I'm single.

- [Narrator] Now there's a surprise.

(coughing)

I like my women just like I like my nuts.

- [Narrator] Does anyone else here

not give a fuck about nuts?

- They can't be salty.

But sweet.

(gulping)

I've got this big Hollywood
audition coming up.

No pressure.

So, I'll see you soon.

- [Narrator] Wouldn't it be tragic

if he developed a nut allergy?

(energetic music)

- You alright?

Oh don't worry, you're not
interrupting me or anything.

I know I look like I'm doing work,

but really I'm just procrastinating,

and I've had like four ice creams already.

Do you know what my favorite
thing about summer is?

You get to sit in the park,
hide behind your RayBans

and look at gorgeous men
playing men playing football,

usually naked from the waist
up and wearing tiny shorts.

- [Narrator] Seems like
the rest of the world

thought it was a shit
day to go to the park.

- I've got my eye on a gorgeous
chocolate man at the moment.

Oh well... Anyway, I'm going
off on a tangent aren't I?

Listen, I really need to
get back to this work.

I really can't afford any bad feedback

to go back to my agent, so.

She wouldn't have a problem
talking to these men.

Trust me.

- Yeah, yeah that's fine, yeah.

I've made a note of it.

Thank you.

Yeah, okay.

Thank you so much Angela.

I really appreciate it.

Oh really, I thought it was a bit quirky.

Helena Bonham Carter, yes, it's been said.

No, no, I take it as a compliment.

Yes I do, yes.

Okay, do I need--

Oh sorry.

Yeah, okay, you need to go, alright.

Thank you, thank you, bye.

I've got a fucking audition.

- [Narrator] Let's hope it's an audition

for an Asian vampire flick.

They're all the rage right now.

- I've got a fucking new agent!

Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god.

It's for a feature film, and--

(foreboding rumbling)

Oh my god.

Oh. Em. Gee.

What the fuck am I gonna do?

No, it's cool, I can do this.

I am an actress, I can do this.

(phone rings)
Oh.

Hello, Angela?

No.

Yes, this is Priya.

Are you that douche
that's been emailing me?

No I'm not fucking interested, mate.

Really, okay, great.

Don't call me again.

Mate, piss off!

Ugh.

Do I look like a fucking Asian bride?

- What's the most exciting
thing about this film for you?

The money!

Only joking.

What's most important for me
is exploring the depths and

layers of the characters
I've created on paper with a

bigger budget than I previously
had access to on screen.

Uh, an exploration to
see if people are aware

of what they do when their
subconscious takes over

and they're faced with their desires.

Like jerking off in your sleep.

- [Narrator] At least
he only wanks at night

instead of tweeting.

- Mmm.

- [Narrator] -Jonny is
a typical mommy's boy.

The umbilical cord is
practically still attached.

It's amazing he hasn't accidentally

strangled himself with it.

This metaphorical joke
would be wasted on Jonny.

- Oh, ha! Alright there.

I'm -Jonny.

I work in a Mexican restaurant.

Well, I do at the moment.

Apparently I'm on
probation, could get sacked

because I cannot get
the difference between

a burrito, an enchilada and a quesadilla.

I think quesadilla's got cheese--

no, fuck they've all got cheese in them.

Um, I've got a girlfriend, names Jennifer.

She works in a bank.

Lovely, lovely girl.

We've never actually met,

but that doesn't need to be a barrier.

I say barrier, there is
a barrier between us.

There's a bulletproof barrier

but love conquers all, doesn't it?

Even thick glass.

I, uh, I'm making a film at the moment.

Well... It's a complete lie, no I'm not.

I'm auditioning for a film.

Don't get ahead of myself,

don't want to be cocky, do I?

And yeah, excited about that.

What's this?

Oh, hah, is this my flatmates?

Bit racy.

Don't read many books.

I'd read that though, look at her.

'While You Were Awake'.

Wouldn't go to sleep if
she was sitting on my face.

Sorry.

Kinky, well kinky.

Put that in the bank, with Jennifer.

Wank bank.

No, Jennifer's never, never
had that with her, sadly.

That's to come.

Tamara Dumas, Dumb-ass?.

Well that is a funny name.

Saucy bitch.

(crunching)

Bye.

- I'm one of those people, you
know, I can totally be a star

'cause it takes a lot of
work like to be a star.

You need to dress well, you
need to know what makeup,

you know, like, fashion and all.

You need to know what to
wear and everything like.

You can't just like, be a nobody

and just like, show up
on the red carpet, no.

(laughing)

You just have to be like, in.

Hang out with rich people, know
what to say and everything.

I have a secret for you, but
shh, you can't tell anyone.

Today, I have an audition, oh my god!

It's my dream, I'm going to LA.

Basically, it's a big Hollywood film.

I mean, the role is a bit weird.

They called me earlier
and I was like, okay.

But I don't care, I'm going to Hollywood!

(laughing)

That's why I'm celebrating.

Can you imagine me in LA?

Like famous and everything.

I wonder what it's gonna be like.

Hello hello, mic is turned on

(rock music)

(squeaking)

I'm going to LA!

Wooo!

(phone ringing)

- Heya.

I'm good, how are you?

Of course I know who it is.

Samantha.

Sorry, just a bit distracted.

Drew this picture, me, Hollywood, LA.

Lots of gorgeous girls.

It's not great.

I mean, one on there, she looks
like my Gran and she's dead.

Anyway, I've gotta cancel our date tonight

'cause I've got to do a Skype.

What do you mean what date?

We're going to your, pony
graduation or something.

We don't, and you don't own a pony?

Must've dreamt it.

Of course I know who this is.

- [Narrator] Jason,
Jason, what was his name/

- Anyway look, I've gotta
go, I've got loads to do.

I'll catch you later, yeah?

Great news, I never get auditions.

That's not entirely true,
it's just been a while.

The last one I went for, I was a skinhead.

(phone ringing)

Becky, I'm glad you called.

I'm afraid I've got some bad news.

I've gotta cancel our date.

We don't?

Do you own a pony?

(scraping)

- [Narrator] I hope he
doesn't shave his own balls.

(upbeat rock music)

- Jennifer, you will be fine.

You will be fine.

You will be fine.

Oh, hiya.

Sorry, ignore me, I'm talking to myself.

I'm just nervous.

I've got an audition for
the first time in ages.

I've just been doing a
mundane job in a bank

for god knows how long.

The only thing that keeps me going

is this really weird guy that
comes in every single day,

every day without fail.

He dresses appallingly and he just, like,

stands and stares at me really awkwardly,

like, it's so cringe.

He obviously wants to say something

but he's not got the guts to say it.

I'll see you later, okay?

- I missed out on an
award for my last movie.

Could this be the film
that changes all that?

Personally, I'm not motivated by

pleasing the Hollywood machine.

I simply see this as an opportunity

for people to see my
work on a grander scale.

When Hollywood first showed
interest in my script,

they asked for rewrites,
something more Disney.

Dark but light, a cross between

'12 Years a Slave' and 'Bridesmaids'.

I refused.

I don't want my film to end up being a

living breathing abortion
like 'John Carter'.

They've promised me
substantial creative control.

Whatever that means.

- [Evgeny] I'm not proud of my business,

but since my acting
career isn't going well,

I need to somehow provide
money for my family.

It's a great family I have

and they all depend on me.

But today, I made them proud.

Today is the beginning of new era.

Today, I get a role in
a big Hollywood movie

and I'm ready.

I was born ready.

(rock music)

(trilling)

- One One was a racehorse,
and Two Two was one too.

(speaking gibberish)_

- [Narrator] Wow, she's
a little bit annoying.

I know just the man for her.

Yep, nut guy.

Sacha's just reminded me
of a tongue-twister I know

about Mrs. Puggywuggy
and her square-cut punt.

Mrs. Puggywuggy has a square-cut punt,

not a punt cut square,
just a square-cut punt.

It's round in the stern
and blunt in the front.

Mrs. Puggywuggy has a square-cut punt.

Yeah.

Wrap your lips around that, Sacha.

(sighing)

- Oh hello, Mr. Whittle.

Hello, you come to help me?

You're gonna help me write
my monologue, aren't you?

Yes you are, yes you are, yes...

You are.

Mr. Wittle, you clever, clever boy!

Okay, you can go now.

- So, no pressure.

No pressure.

Ladies.

That's right, I'm single.

- [Narrator] Ladies, anyone
want an out-of-work actor?

(peaceful humming)

(dramatic chord)

- I'm ready.

(upbeat pop music)

- [Narrator] Let's see
what Hank's adoring fans

and critics have to say about
him and 'Trading Faces'.

(dramatic music)

- 'Trading Faces'!

What kinda cool title is that, okay?

'Trading Faces', oh my god, I can't wait.

And when was the last
time he wrote a book?

It's been forever!

- He thinks he's funny,
really, he thinks he's funny.

He's like, "Yeah, I have this new idea."

"I have developed these characters
and it's very interesting

and I gave my script to Hollywood,

"but I just want to cash the money."

- Do I (bleep)ing fancy him?

Are you (bleep)ing kidding me?

He's a (bleep).

Is this gonna be on the news?

F--

- [Narrator] God bless America.

I'm glad I live in London.

- Hi, -Jonny,

I'm Cynthia Garcia, this is Troy Cox.

You're auditioning for the
part of Misty in Trading Faces,

the comedy film that we're making.

It's a depiction of a day in
the life of the fairer sex,

but obviously we want
you to know it's not an

accurate representation and
it is not a serious piece.

- We do have female writers
involved, so it won't be

a collection of worn-out
female stereotypes

that I'm sure we're gonna see today.

- We're very impressed with
your choice of costume,

assuming that is a costume.

Anyway, in a moment, you'll
give us your monologue.

We asked you to write
your own piece so that

we can get a real feel for
who you are as a person.

- Just before you start your piece,

do you have any questions for us?

- I'm just a little worried that it

may be a bit of a stereotype.

- Oh don't worry.

If it's not about parking, I'll be happy.

You would not believe the number of people

who've done the thing about parking.

Your monologue isn't about parking, is it?

- No.

- Who exactly thought it was a good idea

for actors to write their own monologues?

This should be fun.

Go on, amaze us.

- [Narrator] Writers are used to

having their scripts changed,

But I don't think Hank was expecting this.

(beeping)

- Hi, Jason?

Hi, I didn't recognize
you for a moment there,

I mean, your headshot...

In that you look more
like the god of thunder.

(Australian accent) G'day
mate, I don't spose by any

(Australian accent) chance
you're a Hemsworth brother?

- We mean the one that hasn't made it.

- Oh don't listen to
him, he's just jealous

of all the hunks that come over here.

- He's not a hunk.

- Anyway, we're really
excited to hear your monologue

I mean, what we're looking
for is someone who--

- Doesn't suck.

And resembles someone
that has a personality.

A sense of humor would be a bonus too.

But, you know, we have writers
that can do that for you.

So, uh, Thor, do you have any questions

before you swing your hammer?

No, good.

- Wow, look at you.

I think we found Miss Russia.

- Keep looking.

Granted, it's a mess
but he's not that bad.

- How are you, Evgeny?

- Hello, hello, I'm good,
good, thank you, yes.

I've prepared a little monologue.

I think I'm missing page 23.

Yeah but don't worry, I learnt
it all, it's all in here.

So, shall we do it?

(English RP accent) - You
do know that for this part

(English RP accent) we
require an English RP accent,

(English RP accent) you
can do that can't you?

- Yes, pretty simple.

- And we need a smart and
charismatic performance.

- So, it's a fictional
character we're looking for.

- Let's go, okay.

(clears throat)

I drown my sorrow in the--

phew.

Sorry, can I start again?

Sorry, I got a bit nervous.

Okay, here we go.

- Oh my god, I'm so excited.

This is gonna be good.

(beeping)

Get off, Ruth

I have more important
things to do right now.

(beeping)

Hi!

- Hello, you're Anika right?

- Yes, I'm Anika.

- Okay Anika, are you
ready to grow a pair?

- Oh yeah.

I'm ready.

- I'm sure you've prepared
a lovely monologue for us.

- Of course.

- Someone's looking confident.

I bet she cries.

(beeping)

- Hi, Jennifer?

Hi, I hope everything's okay.

I really like what you've done
there with the facial hair.

- Thank you, I actually quite like it.

- To be honest, it suits you.

Y'know, that sort of thing
would work well with the film.

- So, you in the Bloods or the Crips?

- Are they bands?

- No, they're... They're not bands

Don't ever go to Compton or Inglewood.

- Let's just let the sweet little

hoodlum get on with it.

Do you have any questions?

- No, I think I'm good to go.

- Fire away, Tupac.

(beeping)
- for fucks sake, come on!

(beeping)

Oh... H-Hello?

(beeping)
Ye- Oh no, great.

(beeping)

Hello? Hello?

Who invented this?

Hello!

Oh shit, come on, pick up.

(beeping)
Oooh, Dialing, dialing..

Hi.

- Hello, Sacha?

- Hello?

- Sacha, we seem to have a
problem with the connection.

Can you try dialing us again?

- Why the fuck is this happening?

Come on...

Hello? Hello?
(dialing)

Technology...

Hello!

Oh, hi, hi, hi!

Hi again, hi!

Ahhh, fuck! Come on!

Please work, please, Jesus...

- Do we have to answer it?

- Yes!

(beeping)

- Hello?

(beeping)

Why the fuck is this happening?

Fuck!

(dialing)
Hello, hello?

Oh hi, hiya, hi again.

(beeping)

- Hi, Sacha.

Oh!

Hi.

Have you prepared the original
monologue like we asked?

- Oh, yes I have, erm...

I'm not very good at
writing and it's a bit shit

but erm... Yeah I have.

- Your confidence inspires me.

You want one?

- No, I don't.

That is unprofessional,
and probably illegal.

Make this special sweetheart,
it's been a long day.

- Oh, of c- of course, okay.

(exhaling) Okay.

- Hi, Ezra.

So you're auditioning for the
part of the lady Shaniqua?

- Yeah, we see you've gone
for a different approach,

doing away with any sex appeal.

Let's see what you've
done with the good lady.

I think I'm gonna throw up in my mouth.

- Are you serious?

Did your tact and diplomacy go out

the same window as your professionalism?

- I don't think she likes me.

- That makes two of us.

- I meant you.

- Enough!

Ezra, will you please just start

before he gets the chance
to draw breath again?

(clearing throat)

- Hello there.

Hello there.

Hello there.

(beeping)

Oh shit, they're early.

(beeping)

Hi.

Hello?

(beeping)

Hi.

Can you see me?

I'm Priya.

- Hi, it's Priyanka isn't it?

- Oh, just Priya's fine.

- Yeah well, we have
limited time Priyanka,

so let's get straight to it.

You've got the breakdown,
so you know what's needed.

Likely not what we'll get.

(dramatic music)

- [Narrator] How lucky they all had

such extensive wardrobes to hand.

♪ Do you have to keep me waiting ♪

♪ Do I have to knock three times ♪

♪ If you think that I am fading ♪

♪ I'm kind of hard to ignore ♪

♪ I'm banging on your door ♪

♪ Oh oh ♪

♪ I'm banging on your door ♪

♪ Oh oh ♪

(upbeat music)

- This is nice.

Look at you, you look so gorgeous tonight.

I'm so glad I managed to take
you out for dinner, finally.

We never find time for each other anymore.

So there's something I've been

wanting to ask you for a long time.

I don't know how you're gonna react

but you know what, I'm
just gonna go for it.

We've been together,
what, now, three years?

And, you know, we've got to that point

in our relationship where we
just trust each other, right?

Like, there's no secrets anymore.

I like that.

You make me the happiest man.

Although there's this little thing

that could make me even happier.

If that's at all possible.

I mean it's something I've
been debating for a while

and I just decided to go for it,

because you know, life is short.

And I've done my homework, I
have asked the required person

and they said it was a great idea.

Oh my god, if you say
yes, that would make me

the happiest man on this earth.

That looks nice.

My darling...

Would you...

Would you...

Would you agree to have
a threesome with Emily?

Oh well.

- What an asshole.

- Ha ha ha, very good.

- Thanks, Anika, for sharing that with us.

- Yeah, thank you.

- Yeah, I think I'm quite talented.

I think...

I think I'm ready to go to LA.

- We can see that you think that.

- Absolutely, baby.

- I will hear from you soon, yeah?

You're gonna let me
know, so I can prepare,

and get ready to go, yeah?

- We'll be in touch.

- I'll be in touch.

- Great, thank you.

- First class all the way, honey.

Oh.

- Maybe.

- Okay, bye.

- I'll be in touch.

- Bye, Anika.

- Gotta cut her off now?

- Oh my god, ah!

(laughing)

I'm going to LA, baby!

Woooooo!

- I bet you've done that
to your wife, haven't you?

- If I was gonna have a threesome,

I would not ruin it by inviting my wife.

- Let's get some more champagne.

- Do you have your iPad handy,

so we can just check out flights for her?

- Oh, stop it.

- Come on, there must be something--

- Oh just go and get a hooker,

it'd be cheaper than a flight.

- [Narrator] Whilst
casting over the internet

lessens the chance of the casting couch,

it never completely eliminates it.

- Yo what's 'appenin'?
My name's Ricky, innit.

Well my mom, she called me Patrick, yeah?

Fuck that, mate!

Patrick?

Come on, man.

Nobody survives in a life
called Patrick, do they?

So my mates, my mates,
they wanna call me Pat.

Pat? Pat?

Fucking Pat!

Imagine.

Are you fucking kidding me, mate?

Come on, bruv.

The only Pat that gets away with it

is a fucking postman, mate!

Then they was gonna call me Rick.

Rick! Rick!

Rick?

I ain't gay, bruv.

Now I ain't sayin' I've got a problem

with gays and that, like.

You know, I know a few gay
people and they're sound innit,

but I don't want people
thinking I'm gay, now do I?

Think of all the pussy that I would miss

if they thought I was gay.

Now, I ain't saying I get
better pussy 'n' that,

but I like to think that
if the opportunity arises,

along with something else for that matter,

I'd be able to smash it
without no problems, you know?

Anyways, I hope you don't
mind, I wrote you a rap.

♪ East London Massive,
I was born and bred ♪

♪ Took my life to the streets
when I didn't get fed ♪

♪ My homeboys Ticka, Bezzle, Smurf ♪

♪ Spent our days chillin'
on the astro-turf ♪

♪ Yeah we like galdem,
yeah we like skunk ♪

♪ Going to Uni? You punk! ♪

♪ Filled with rapture, filled with glee ♪

♪ Take a ride on the
merry-go-round with me ♪

You like that yeah?

- The best bit was the end.

- Thank you, Jennifer, that was inspiring.

- Thank you!

- [Troy] Seriously?

- We'll let you know.

- I'm not sure what for.

Err, thanks. Yeah, yeah thanks.

(exhaling)

- She was rapping, okay.

You didn't like it, I did.

Where is he today?

- Countless nights I wait
for him in empty bed,

drowning my sorrow in the sea of tears.

He says he's out at work,

or with his friends.

Walking the dog.

We don't even have a dog.

I do what every good wife does.

I look away.

I look away.

So good to have a friend.

So good to have someone to drink with.

Drink, little plant, drink.

We did have a dog, we did
have a dog, little plant

but that was years ago.

He thinks I'm some sort of
crazy, huh, little plant?

He thinks I'm some sort of crazy.

We don't even have a dog!

It feels like massive rock
just fell off my heart.

Like, massive rock,
like really massive rock

that was crushing my heart underneath.

So plant, little plant, drink!

Drink, little plant.

'cause I can't drink no more.

- Wow, thank you.

Thank you, that was great.

- Wait! Wait! It gets
better after page seven.

- Oh boy!

- Just, here.

- I really don't think we could take it.

- [Cynthia] Thank you.

- Thank you, thank you.

Have a good day.

Bye-bye.

(beeping)

- Someone put a bullet in my head.

- Nailed it.

Honey, Let's get this off!

Honey, lets, come on, Honey!

I can smell you, I know you're there.

I can smell the curry.

- Awww, you know, He's kinda cute.

Reminded me of those little Russian dolls.

- Well, wooden is where
the similarity ends

because there was fuck-all inside.

- I don't have much luck with men.

The last one, he wanted
to come in for an espresso

as he termed it, said he was tired.

I told him, he was shit
out of luck if he thought

he was getting coffee or
any other type of bean

near his mouth that night.

I'm not that type of girl.

Anyway, week passed, didn't hear from him.

Apparently he fell asleep at the wheel,

crashed into a tree... Died.

I didn't know what to do.

So I joined a dating site.

'cause clearly he wasn't gonna call back.

This guy, he starts winking at me.

We message, we meet up

I must admit

I was shocked by what
offended my line of sight.

It was like someone shoved

10 pounds of shit in a 5 pound bag.

Not attractive.

We walked to a Japanese restaurant.

Well in truth, I paced ahead.

I thought if I can't lose him,

at least nobody'll think he's with me.

I did think about running a few times

when he went to the toilet,
but three bottles of wine down,

who was I kidding?

I could barely stand up straight.

Anyway, the next morning, I
woke up, on my bathroom floor

pebble-dashed with vomit,
in my own shit and piss.

I was waiting for a text from
David, there was one there.

It said, Samantha, thank
you for last night.

It was lovely meeting you.

Please take care, all the
best for the future, David.

I was gutted, I liked him.

Well, I didn't, but how
can he turn this down?

So I thought, Samantha, you need to

get yourself another date with that man.

Then I thought, what's the point?

Quit while you're ahead.

I don't have much luck with men.

Maybe I should try a woman next time.

- Thank you Jason, that was great.

- Ahhh, I'm glad you liked it.

I've been practicing all
day getting into character.

What'd you think?

- It was great.

- So, I'm gonna hear from you yeah?

- Yeah, sure, we'll, we'll let you know.

- Great. Thanks.

- Okay, we'll say goodbye now, Jason.

- Oh!

Bye!

(exhales)

- Mmm...

- Holy shit.

- Don't say shit, I've just
seen way too much of that.

- Holy...

- I want to take a shower.

- Daaaaaaaamn!

I think that's a no.

- If I have to iron
one more pair of socks,

I am gonna scream.

Why can't he iron his own frickin' socks?

Come on, Misty.

It's not like he even
asked for it to be done.

I just do it myself.

I'm thinking, I've doing other things.

Maybe a bit of dusting,
do some grocery shopping,

and then I just end up ironing socks!

It's an addiction!

It wouldn't matter if he even gave a damn.

But I don't think he even notices

that I iron them in the first place.

Ironing shirts, of course!

But socks, they're hidden away!

They're inside shoes.

The only time they ever get seen

is when I have to peel them
off his feet in the evening.

Which seems to pass for
foreplay in my house.

I'm just sayin'.

Well, this is the end of it.

No more ironing now!

And if he has so much as
a whisper to say about it,

well, he'll have some pretty
crinkly fucking clothes.

And he can fuck his
nightly blowjob as well!

- Whoa!

- Thank you Jonny.

That's great, you put a
lot of effort in there.

We appreciate that.

- Thank you. Err... No, that,

that was a. That was a pleasure
to get to do it. Thanks.

- I'm sure someone will
be in touch shortly.

- We'll be in touch.

- Uh... Thanks.

- So, wonder if I can
use this outfit to, uh,

maybe give a bit of head,
get a few wob. Hmmm.

- I'm not gonna lie, I was
really impressed with that.

I mean, it's like he got
under the Skin of a really

uptight housewife and inhabited
the shit out of it, nice.

Really nice.

- It was like watching
'Trainspotting' with ironing.

- Ohhhh!

Hello there.

I'm Thomas Alexander Whittle.

Pleasure.

Where should I begin?

Millie was whining again.

A dreadful quality in the fairer sex.

She was whining again that
I don't spoil her enough.

Women rally for the equality of the sexes

but they're stuck in their
archaic medieval ways.

We offer to pay the
bill, that is offensive.

We offer not to pay the
bill, that is also offensive.

A man should be this,
a man should be that.

Well darling, if you don't
like it you can fuck off.

I do apologize, I'm sure you
ladies are quite different.

Yes.

Well, I'm a man in my
prime, one should indulge

and seek pleasure in every instance.

As I said, it was a pleasure.

Good day.

- That was great, thanks Priya.

- Oh, thank you, thank you
so much for the opportunity.

It was my first audition,
I think it went okay.

Did it go okay, can you
give me any pointers?

- Yes don't ask for feedback.

- Oh yeah, of course.

Yes okay.

Thank you.

Bye.

(beeping)

- I was convinced.

Oddly attractive too, don't you think?

- Shall we move on?

- She always wanted a girl.

She said I was useless as a boy.

You know, my own mom.

I didn't mean to kill those
people, and she knew it.

Do you know they call me a devil?

Well this guy come up to
me one day and he says,

what kind of person
takes or kills 13 people?

So I took out his eye,
you know, carved it out.

Don't judge me.

Look around you, you know, where are we?

This place has got pedophiles, ugh.

You know, murderers, icky stuff.

Anyhoo, um, what's it gonna be.

Is it gonna be Sweet Jelly
or is it gonna be Cherry?

Hello?

- Um...

Thank you, Ezra.

- Yeah, thanks.

- That was...

Great.

- Yeah.

Fucking great.

- Thank you, thank you.

- We'll, we'll be in touch.

I mean, don't call us.

- No, no no no, don't call anyone.

- Oh, okay.

Thanks.

(beeping)

Uh, bye.

- Well, that was light and fucking fluffy.

- Could have been worse.

Could have been Shia LaBeouf.

- At least he put his head in a bag.

- Weird.
- Fucking weird.

- [Narrator] I could see
him in slasher porn, though.

(imitating squeal like a
pig from 'Deliverance')

- So usually I get bored
after a couple of weeks.

I start thinking, oh
what the fuck am I doing,

and start planning a way out.

I feel like a bit of a dick really.

I even had to lie about her
age and say she was late 20's

but actually, she's 31, but I
just couldn't be bothered to

have the discussion with anyone,
what if they took the piss?

Do you know how I knew I really liked her?

We were curled up in bed
one night going to sleep

and we didn't even have sex
'cause she didn't feel like it.

I was okay with the fact that
she didn't want to have sex,

and so we were spooning and
I was big spoon, obviously,

hanging onto a bit of masculinity.

And I was just dozing off to
sleep when out of nowhere,

the girl farted on my leg.

No word of a lie.

And do you know what?

It was okay.

Like, that is a red card
offense and any other girl

would be gone now, gone, but
she farted and then rolled over

and nestled into my chest
like it didn't even happen.

I started to laugh but I
didn't want to wake her up,

I just couldn't believe that
something so animalistic

had come out of her.

(laughing)

Well it had to happen
eventually, didn't it?

I mean, how can you be in
a long-term relationship

and not fart in front of each other?

It's like saying hey,
here I am in all my glory

and just hoping that the
other person accepts you.

I'm glad that she
committed to me like that.

Shit, is that weird?

I'm not gonna put a ring on her
finger or nothing like that,

I'm just glad she farted on me, basically.

That was it.

- [Both] We'll be in touch.

(beeping)

(sighing)

Nah.

- [Narrator] I don't know about you

but I was turned on by everyone.

- So, whose screenplay was that?

What a cast.

Fucked by Hollywood.

- [Narrator] I can imagine the tweets now.

Another great man treated
poorly by Hollywood.

Hashtag untalented fats.

Hashtag fake news.

I think we know somebody else

who's gonna get fucked by Hollywood.

Hashtag Donald J the movie.

(rock music)

(phone ringing)

- Good afternoon, United
Pictures International.

Kelsey speaking.

Trading Faces?

Just a moment, I'll take a look for you.

Hmm.

Hi, yes, it seems they were
all unsuccessful, I'm afraid.

But thank you for your time.

Have a good--

Okay, I'll see if I can find
some further notes on them.

Hold on.

(humming softly)

Okay, so Anika, too perverted.

Ezra, too scary.

Jason, too disgusting and drama queen!

Sorry.

Jennifer, too ghetto.

Jonny, ooh, too hairy.

Uvgeny, Evgeny, too Russian.

Priya, too disturbing.

Sacha, too crude.

Yeah.

Well; thank you for calling,
have a nice day now.

Ah... Geeze

News.

Alright.

What am I gonna have for lunch?

Taco, pizza?

Ahhhh

Salami sandwich, yeah!

Salami, salami, salami.

I'll just finish this off...

(humming)

- [Narrator] Is anyone really that happy?

What's wrong with these American women?

- Leave it.

- Work, men, or just life?

- Against all the odds,
I submitted enough actors

for an entire Hollywood movie.

I have just heard back that
not one of them is a recall

and rudely hung up on.

- Ouch.

- I thought this would
be my chance to retire.

Spend the rest of my days
sipping margaritas somewhere hot,

watching proudly while the career

of the actors I launched flourished.

I even invited them all
here for a drink tonight,

I was convinced they would all get booked.

Now this premature celebration
will closer resemble a wake.

Still, nobody ever really turns
up to these things, do they,

so it could just be, you, me...

And this bottle of wine.

(clearing throat)

- Where's your assistant, Carla isn't it?

- In bed, anybody's guess whose.

The thing is, Joshua, I
am genuinely disappointed

that they didn't get those
roles because I love my actors

more than anything.

I want them to achieve
all I have and more,

do you know in my day I almost
won Best Supporting Actress?

- Almost?

- I lost out to Jessica Lange
playing a drunk in Tootsie.

- The fact you were nominated is amazing.

- I never said I was
nominated, I said I lost out.

I should have made that
audition, and I would have too

had it not been for
unforeseen circumstances.

- What happened?

- I overslept, got
drunk, lost my knickers.

So, Joshua...

Joshua, Joshua, Joshua.

When are you going to
take me out to dinner?

I think, you should
take me out... Tonight.

After you clock off

'cause I is hungreeey.

- Well, we've got some olives, some nuts.

Some guy left these if you
want one, on the house.

- [Anika] Angela!

- Uhhhhhhh...

Fuck.

- [Anika] You're here!

I'm so... I'm excited to see you.

Let's celebrate.

Hollywood baby!

- Yeah, now, about that.

- The barman's cute.

- If you like that sort of thing.

- I'm Joshua, what can I get you?

- Anika... 'Porn Star Martini' please.

- Good choice.

- And here's another one.

At least he's cute.

- Angela.

(kissing)

Oh my god, when you
called I was so excited.

We nailed that audition.

And I must admit, I screamed like a girl.

- It's our time to shine.

Thank you, Angela.

- I'll toast to that.

- It's not gonna happen.

I'm so sorry to piss on your parade,

but I just heard back.

Apparently you're too perverted.

You're just too drama queen, sweetie.

- It's just not fair!

- Don't worry, I'll make you a cocktail

to suck all your frustrations away.

'Screaming Orgasm', extra creamy.

- I'm speechless.

Jelly Baby?

- I suppose it's better than
no man in my mouth tonight.

- [Narrator] Well, haha...
Well, I don't think that film's

gonna trouble the Academy.

Pub, anyone?

Taxi! Pub!

Taxi, let's go, bye.

(upbeat pop music)

♪ Marilyn's waiting on me ♪

♪ But I'm drinking old-fashioned's
with Marlon and Deano ♪

♪ Don't wake me up ♪

♪ From this American dream ♪

♪ Elvis is singing for me ♪

♪ But I'm cracking funnies
with Stan and Ollie ♪

♪ So don't wake me up
from this American dream ♪

♪ Well it's Hollywood or bust ♪

♪ Take a plane, a train, a bus ♪

♪ Just gotta be there ♪

♪ Or helicopter in from
your yacht to limousine ♪

♪ And live the dream yeah ♪

♪ Well it's Hollywood or bust ♪

♪ Take a plane, a train, a bus ♪

♪ Just gotta be there ♪

♪ Ginger wants to dance with me ♪

♪ But I'm kicking ass with Sly and Arnie ♪

♪ So don't wake me up ♪

♪ From this American dream ♪

- I'm glad that she committed
to me like that, but...

(laughing)

- How can you be in a
long-distance relation--

(laughing)
Oh No! It's not long-distance.

Fuuuuuuck!

It's long fucking term!

- But remember I'm gonna be turning,

so you guys need to move.

- [Director] Okay, action.

♪ Take a ride on the
merry-go-round with me ♪

(laughing)

- No. Fuck, they've
all got cheese in them.

I don't know, it's stuff.

(laughing)

- You don't like dirty?

Sorry, can we go from the beginning?

(buzzing)
I just threw myself off.

I don't know what.

Anyway, I need to provide for my family,

and now I'm gonna cut

(buzzing)
becuase I'm talking bullshit.

(laughing)

- [Director] Seriously, you
left the fucking building!

(laughing)

- I'm disgusted at you flirting with Anika

(dialogue drowned out by background noise)

- Oh fuck!

- She makes great curry,
with chapati bread.

Mmm.

My tummy is rumbling, Honey.

(buzzing)

- With chapati bread, mmm.

(buzzing)

- What am I gonna have for lunch?

I don't know, I don't know.

(humming)

- I was okay with the fact
that she didn't wanna have sex.

- Would you agree to have
a threesome with Emily?

- Into Indian wife com.

(buzzing)

I already contacted some
potential potential potential.

They have a lot of potential.

I already contacted potential.

I think they have potential.

Anyway, let's leave the potential.

(buzzing)

- Oh, hiya!

- [Director] Cut.

Action.

(coughing)

(laughing)

- A dreadful quality in the fairer sex,

she was whining again==

- [Director] Cut.

- [Line] You've got the breakdown
so you know what's needed.

Likley not what we'll get.

(barking)

- Just 'cause he wants the
money, I think he's a joke!

Oh, yeah, I forgot all of
the swearing, okay, sorry.

He knows how women thinks?

I mean, he can just go and
jump in the fucking river!

I just, ugh.

- Maybe I'll have more
luck with a man... Woman.

Fuck, whichever.

- I'm already contacting some potential--

(buzzing)

I'm already--

(buzzing) Fucking hell.

- Oh piss, they're early.

- [Director] Cut.

- [Narrator] Well for starters, you've got

a name you can't pronounce.

Who the hell calls himself Ev-na-gee?

Evan-a-gee, I checked it.

Evgeny, fuck that word.

Evgeny, Evgeny, fuck.

I checked the Russian Bitches website

and asked if they were
shaved before shipping.

- I'm classy!

I dress nice, I try to make it
to the toilet, but you know,

it didn't go so well.

What's a girl to do?

- [Narrator] I wanna know if
they're shaved before shipping,

slit-shaped...

(humming sailor music)

hope they're all shaved before shipping.

Wankers away.

Okay, it turns out bubble
wrap prevents breathing

but strangely not bruising,
I like that actually, yeah.

- [Narrator] With jennifer's obvious--

With Jennifer... (laughing)

I fucking hate Jennifer, she's a cunt!

Stick that one on it

- Do I fucking fancy him?

What the fuck do you think?

He's disgusting.

He's fucking--

Blah!

- [Narrator] Sacha's just
reminded me of a tongue-twister

I know about Mrs. Puggywuggy
and her square-cunt pug.

Square-cut punt.

I say, there's a cunt in
there somewhere. Cunt!

- While You Were Awake.

Be fucking awake if she was next to me.

Kinky.

Tamara Dumas.

Strange name.

- Sir.

Madame.

- [Narrator] Anika's quite..

(laughing) Anika's quite...

Unbelievably never been paid for sex!

I can't think of what
else to add to that one,

we've kinda nailed that one haven't we?

Joanna is Anika.

Already fucking hell--
(buzzing)

I already potential--
(buzzing)

- Do I fucking fancy Hank?

What the fuck do you think?

I absolutely hate that cunt.

- Wank bank.

With Jennifer--

No, sorry.

Bye.

(laughing)

- Don't tell anyone, but
I'm in the running for

the role of Thor in the next Marvel movie.

(upbeat music)

- [Narrator] End of film,

well that's not gonna win any Oscars.

It's not gonna win anything is it,

in fact it's probably never
gonna fucking come out, in fact,

this is a big waste of time
and Mark's come round here,

using up my precious time.

I'm supposed to be writing a
song for 'The Professionals'

and what am I doing, banging on with this

stupid fucking voiceover!

Bollocks to this and I bought the beers,

surely Mark should have
bought the beers around,

what kind of fucking director he is?

Probably one of them
directors who's gonna go to LA

and suck a load of corporate cock

to have half a chance of an acting career.

Goodbye!