Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles (2001) - full transcript

Okay, ladies and gents,
Walkabout Creek Hotel.

Last chance for a coldie
before we hit the outback.

G'day, all.
I'm your hostess.

You can call me Ruby or love or
anything, but never late for breakfast.

And what's your pleasure, folks?

Gin and tonic, please,
and a Pims for the lady.

"G" and "T" and a Pims.

No, I asked for
a gin and tonic and a Pims.

Yeah, well,
there's no harm in asking.

Couple of beers
will be just fine.

That's the ticket, old mate.



- Hey, Nugget.
- G'day, Sue.

- Where's Mick?
- We got a panic call from the Rangers.

They spotted a huge croc
in the Tarrabool swimming hole.

Actually, we tossed a coin to see
who'd catch it, and Mick won.

- He went after it alone, did he?
- No.

Jacko Jackson's gonna
meet him out there.

And Jacko, as you know, is the second
best crocodile man in the territory.

So you got no worries, love.

My only worry is I need Mick
to pick Mikey up after school.

I'll tell Mick for you.
If he gets tied up with that croc,

- I'll pick up the young fella myself.
- Thanks.

I thought you were
the second best crocodile hunter.

- Oh, well.
- Oh, he's just modest.

He's one of the best,
you know?



Hey, Sue. If anything ever happens
to Mick, I'm gonna come courtin'.

Well, let's just hope
nothing happens to Mick.

Now, where are you,
you big ugly bugger?

This is as good as it gets.

Come on.
Come to Uncle Mick.

Big...

big...

big mistake.

Oh, shit.

- G'day, Mick.
- G'day, Jacko.

What are you doing up there?

Just sittin' up here, thinking
about a new career, mate.

Where's your boat?

On the bottom.

- How'd that happen?
- Croc pulled it under.

Pulled it under?

How big was it?

That big.

Now what?

Well, now we scramble ashore
and go to plan "B."

Don't move.

Well, could be worse, mate.

Oh, yeah?
How's that, Mick?

Well, someone could
see us up here,

up the tree, outsmarted
by a bloody crocodile.

So help me God, if I see
a snake, I'm gonna drop dead.

How are they gonna catch a crocodile
up there in the tree?

So, which one is the second best
crocodile hunter in the land?

Okay, everyone, we're on
a tight schedule here.

We better keep moving.
Don't want to disturb the hunters.

Back on the bus,
please, folks.

That's the way.

Bloody Nugget.
Great, eh, mate?

Two best crocodile hunters
in the entire Northern Territory, eh?

Yeah.

We look like a couple
of real pelicans, don't we, eh?

You know what I hate about crocs?
They got legs. Come on.

Oh, remember the good old days
when we just used to shoot 'em?

Yeah, mate, but if there were no more
crocs, they wouldn't need hunters.

Oh, they'd need hunters...
to keep the wild pigs in control.

Pigs?
Oh, not the same.

I don't want my kid saying,
"There goes my dad, Pig Dundee."

Do you want to be known
as Porker Jackson?

Well, no.

Nah, we need the crocs, mate.
They make us somebodies.

Without 'em, we're
just a couple of old bushwhackers...

with bite marks on our legs.

We'll get him tomorrow.
Same time.

Hey, I knew a pig farmer called
Porker O'Brien once. Hah!

You know why
they called him Porker?

I hate it when he does that.

Gives me the creeps.

- Thanks, mate.
- No worries.

So, you got out of that tree
all right, eh?

Now, how could you possibly
know about that already?

My people have ways of talking
that no white man can understand.

Arthur, you're so full of bullshit.

No, it's a kind
of mental telepathy, eh?

Yeah, mental, all right.

Ah, I think we just found out
which one of us is the white man.

Yeah?

Yeah, I heard about that.

Yeah, well,
he's standin' right next to me now.

- Oh, great.
- Yeah, okay. Yeah, later.

- So, are you doin' a show tonight?
- Yeah.

Already did the matinee.
Gotta keep the tourists happy, eh?

Oh, well, mate, these days
they're our bread and butter.

That's sort of what we are now in
the 20th century- tourist attractions.

As they say,
that's show business, mate.

By the way, Mick,

it's the 21 st century, mate.

Oh, yeah, I-I knew that.

- See you, Art.
- See you later.

- See ya, Troy.
- See ya, Mikey.

- Wanna go fishing?
- Yeah.

- So, what did you learn today?
- Oh, just school stuff.

But we had an earthquake video,

and we learned how they happen
in California, America.

- Did you see one when you were there?
- No, I was in New York.

They don't have
earthquakes there.

People there wouldn't stand for it.
They'd be like,

"Earthquake? Hey, this is Brooklyn.

Get outta here.
Forget about it."

They're tough.

Whoa, homework time.
What's that?

- It's goanna turd.
- That means he's close by. Find him.

- There he is.
- Yep.

- You hungry? Want him for dinner?
- Yuck, no way.

- Then you better miss.
- Dad, I never miss.

Whoa.

Quick, Dad, there's a big razorback
up there. Can you do it?

- Do what?
- You know, that trick. Please.

All right, but it won't work
if you're scared. He'll smell it.

I know. I won't be scared.
I promise.

Don't look at him
till I do.

I really won't be scared
if I can carry your knife.

Cool.

Okay, Dad, I'll talk it over
with Mick. Uh-huh.

No. No, and if we decide
we need to be married,

I promise you'll be
the first to know.

Would you like to say hello
to your grandson? Okay. Hang on.

Hey, Mikey.
Come say hi to Grandpa.

Hi, Grandpa.

Pretty good, yeah.

So, what's new?

Oh, Tom Zetland- he ran
the L. A. bureau of Dad's paper-

was just killed
in a car accident.

- What, was he a mate of yours?
- Actually, no.

But the thing is, Mick, Dad is now
pleading with me to take his place...

while he looks
for a permanent replacement.

What you're sayin' is your dad wants
you to go work for him in Los Angeles.

Mm.

For how long?

Well, I told him I might
fill in for a few weeks.

Well, tell me this, if we lived
over there in the city,

- would you take the job then?
- Oh, sure.

I mean, I was raised
by a newspaperman,

and, well, I don't know, I guess
it just gets in your blood.

That settles it then.
Take the job.

At least for the rest of the year.
Me and Mikey'll go with you.

- You're kidding?
- No. Good for him. Help him decide.

Decide?

- Your dad owns a newspaper, right?
- Mm-hmm.

You're his only child. Someday
Mikey's gonna have to decide.

Does he want to be an assistant
crocodile wrangler...

or the owner
of a big-city newspaper?

That's a tough one.
And the travel will be good for him.

Remember how my trip
to New York...

sort of opened my eyes
to the ways of the world?

Made me a lot more-
What's the word?

- Sophisticated?
- Yeah.

By the way, Mick, what are
you doing with that awful trap?

You're not going to use that
on some poor animal?

No, I'm lending it to Donk.

Some mongrel's been sneaking
into the pub at night...

and knocking off his grog.

Stealing Donk's beer, well,

- I guess they deserve to be mangled.
- Yeah.

Well, what about you, Mikey?
What do you think?

How would you like to live
in California for a while?

- They have earthquakes there, right?
- Well, yeah, they have had.

Cool.

I thought you might say that.
You're gonna have lots of fun.

Actually, you're the one
I'm worried about.

No, I'm fine.

Um, Mick, I seem to remember
after a few weeks in New York...

you did get pretty antsy.

Yeah, a bit antsy.

Mm, that's what I love about you, Mick.
You're always so unselfish.

No worries.

# Yeah #

# Yeah
Dance, dance, dance, dance#

Beverly Hills, eh?
Home to the movie stars.

A lot of 'em, yep.

You're not in show business,
are ya?

- No, I'm in the tourism game myself.
- Hey, so am I.

When I'm out driving this.
Actually, though, I'm a writer-actor.

Just, you know, drive the limo
between gigs. Make a lot of connections.

Had Tom Arnold in the car
this morning.

Tom Arnold?

Oh, wife probably knows who he is.
She's- She's in the newspaper business.

- A reporter.
- Yeah.

Here, take one of these.
You never know.

Thanks.

There you go.

That- That's nice.

No, you can keep that.
I got plenty of copies.

Crocodile!

Okay, tax relief plan.
State tax only.

No interest there.
Traffic accidents.

Okay, these figures comparing L. A.
to New York drivers, that's good.

Follow through on that.

Great. So our policy
hasn't changed then?

- How so?
- It's like Mr. Zetland used to say,

"We're a New York paper.

If the news ain't about New York,
then who gives a rat's ass? "

Or words to that effect.

So he wasn't too happy
about working in L. A., huh?

Oh, no, no. Tom loved it here.
No, he loved doing expose features...

and investigating
scams and phonies.

- What was he working on?
- He was doing this feature...

on this new mini studio.

He started to get
really excited about it.

I think he smelled a rat.

But what it was about,
only Tom knew.

Maybe you can find out what sparked
his interest in there. Good luck.

Oh, hey, how are your boys doing?
Are they out exploring?

Oh, yeah. Should be fun too.
For both of them.

Come on, people!

Thank you. Oh, spontaneous
applause, thank you.

Thank you.

All right, a couple of tricks.
Behind the back.

All right, all right,
all right, under the leg.

Hey, Dad, look.
There's those girls from Baywatch.

- What?
- Baywatch.

On TV, you know?
The girls that run funny, like this.

And Donk and all the men
in the pub go, "Whoa! "

- What've you been doin' in the pub?
- Whoa! Hey!

- I am so sorry. Whew, muscle fatigue.
- It's okay.

- You all right?
- Hey, do you know what time it is?

Oh, it's about 12:30,
maybe 12:35.

Oh, that's cute,
but you're wearing a watch.

- That's not a watch, it's a compass.
- Oh!

Yeah, I'm new in town.
I couldn't find my house without this.

Really? So where's
your house from here?

Eleven point five miles,
two degrees north northeast.

Called, uh, Beverly Hills.

Bev Hills?
So, you have a nice home?

- Yeah, we got eight dunneys.
- Yeah, that's eight bathrooms.

- Oh, nice. This-This your boy?
- Yeah, that's Mikey.

- So, you married?
- No, he's not married.

- So you got custody?
- Yeah. Well, Mikey's my son.

- Right. So you're a good parent?
- Well, I'd say.

Right. Oh, this is too good.
I finally bump into a cute cowboy.

He's more Robert Redford's vintage
than Brad Pitt's, but that's okay...

'cause he's got a mansion in Beverly
Hills, plus he's got custody of his kid.

That means he'd be a good dad
to my Cindy and this is-

Oh, there's a catch, right?

Nothing this good
ever happens to me.

Are you- You're not available?
You're- You're gay, right?

Um, most of the time,
pretty happy, yeah.

Of course.

Cute cowboy, Venice Beach,
had to be gay.

What was I thinking?

- Boy, she was a chatterbox.
- Yeah, mate. American woman.

- She's got a nice ass.
- Yeah. Hey,

you gotta stop hangin'
around that pub.

Who taught you that? Nugget?

- Find anything fishy?
- Yeah. Listen to this.

Silvergate Pictures make their
first movie, right? Lethal Agent.

It's a total bomb.

So the very next picture
they make is Lethal Agent II...

which, of course, goes straight
to video where no one rents it.

And guess what they're doing now
to save their reputation?

- Uh-
- Yeah.

I don't know.
Did Tom talk to these guys?

Yeah. I think he spoke to everybody
from the president of the studio down.

That's when he seemed to get
really excited about the story.

All I can see here is a bunch of
really dumb business decisions.

But, of course,
that's not illegal.

Well, you know, that's
the research I did for him.

Whatever Tom was working on
is probably in his P. C.

I can get the disk from his house,
if you're interested.

That'd be great.

And I notice they're having a "meet and
greet" for press and industry people.

Do you know who would
normally cover that?

Fay Olson does entertainment.

Okay. Tell her she can have
the night off, and I'll fill in.

- Hey, Dad, what sort of car is that?
- I can't look now, mate.

These California people are
nice and friendly and polite...

till they get in their cars, then
they turn into crazed wombats.

Quick, Dad, stop,
there's a dog in the road.

Where?

- So where's the dog?
- He ducked in there.

I'll get him.

Be careful.

All right, everybody, stay back.
Don't worry, we'll get him.

I'm on it.

- What's the hell's goin' on up there?
- Come on, buddy!

The guy said there's
something on the road.

He looks like a nut to me.

- Probably a bomb or something.
- It's a what?

- He says it's a bomb!
- It's a bomb! It's gonna blow!

Come here, boy. Come on.

He won't come out.
He's scared.

That's not a dog.
That's a-

I don't know what it is.
Some kind of possum maybe.

I've never seen
a black and white possum.

I think it's a skunk.

How do you know what a skunk
looks like? We don't have 'em at home.

It looks like Pepe Le Pew
in the cartoons on TV.

I thought skunks were
supposed to stink.

Don't stink.

Come on, boy.
Come on.

Possible explosive device
and hostage situation.

There we go.

No wonder he's scared.

Those bloody helicopters.

Take off!

We have a very tricky situation
for the police here.

The suspect appears to be
holding a young boy hostage.

Stay where you are!

Put the bomb down!

What?

That's not a bomb.
That's a cat.

Ah, see, just like at home.
The policeman is your friend.

They're here to help us.

That's not a cat.
That's a skunk.

- You can take it from here, guys.
- Uh-uh.

Uh, Mike, I wouldn't
mention this to your mum.

She probably wouldn't understand.
It's man stuff.

Of course, at that stage,
early this afternoon,

we had no idea that the bomb
was, in fact, a skunk.

Officers reluctantly placed
the skunk in a squad car...

to await the arrival
of animal control.

In the meantime, it backed up
traffic on the 101...

from Calabasas
to Pasadena, the worst traffic jam-

- What are you doing, Mikey?
- Uh, it's okay, love, it's me.

Oh. Mick, are you sure
you want to come tonight?

I mean, it's a social thing,
but it'll be work for me.

I'm lookin' forward to it.

You know, to see if the local people
are as friendly as New Yorkers.

I hope your son feels the same way.
He starts school on Wednesday.

Oh, no worries.
He's, uh, he's just like me, really.

From what I hear, he has enough charm
to stop a skunk from spraying him.

Yeah, well, you know, we were
roarin' down the freeway-

It's okay.

- You looked really cute on TV.
- Bloody television.

Not this time, pal.

- Mick!
- Call the cops!

Let him go. He's the valet.
He's supposed to park the car.

Yeah, yeah,
take it easy, dude.

- Tip him.
- Sorry.

- Honest mistake.
- Sorry.

Valet?

- Picture, please.
- Sure.

Mind if we get a shot?

Don't worry. I'll just get
a drink, blend right in.

Okay. I'll come and get you
after I've done the formalities.

Big smile for the camera, please.

All right, that's your Evian,
and this here's...

your sparkling mineral water
with a twist.

Oh, and a straight club soda.

So, you havin' a drink
or doin' your laundry?

G'day. Mick Dundee.
And you're-

Tony. What can I get
for you, Mr. Dundee?

Just a cold beer'll do, mate.
Thanks.

That's typical of L. A. today.
Health nuts.

Worried about what they drink,
worried about what they eat.

I used to be like that
till I found the answer.

Oh? And, um,
what's the answer?

Coffee. Eat and drink whatever you
please, then flush it out with coffee.

So you just drink
lots of coffee.

No. You don't drink it.
I'm talking colonics.

A good coffee enema
leaves you clean as a whistle.

Bottoms up.

Hey, Tony.
An enema-

Isn't that where they shove
a hose up the old-

- Yep. Lots of people swear by 'em.
- With coffee?

- Cream and sugar?
- It's L. A.

Excuse me, Mr. Rothman.

I'd love to introduce you
to someone.

- Ms. Sue Charleton from Newsday.
- Hello.

Arnan Rothman. Delighted.
Didi tells me you've replaced...

our late friend, Tom Zetland.

- Excuse me.
- That's a shame. He was a good man,

and he really knew his way
around this business.

Well, I'm afraid I come up
a bit short in that department.

Actually, I was hoping
maybe you could help me out.

- Are you in the cast of this flick?
- Me? Oh, no, I'm socializing.

Networking. Me too. Have you seen
any of these masterpieces?

- No.
- Unbelievable schlock. I kid you not.

Makes you embarrassed
to be in the business.

The only thing I've seen worse than
Lethal Agent was Lethal Agent II.

I read the script on this one,
and it's even worse.

I don't know how these clowns
stay in business.

I suppose you've heard, then,
they're making Lethal Agent IV.

What?

No one told me.
Do you know if they're casting yet?

I gotta call my agent.

I'm planning on following
through on Tom's story...

more about your film company
than this particular film.

- We shot the whole thing in Greece.
- Oh!

Allow me to introduce Milos Drubnick,
our international vice president.

- Sue Charleton.
- Delighted to meet American star.

I'm big fan, all your films.

Well, that's very kind of you,
but I'm a journalist.

- Sue's from Newsday.
- Huh.

Milos handles all our
Eastern European activity.

I could not work over there
without him.

You'll excuse me.

Well, I don't want to monopolize
all your time here.

I was hoping we could catch up
at the studio.

Absolutely.

That's just the way
they do things.

You don't want that, love.

Get some free food in you.
You'll feel a lot better.

You're welcome.

- Hey, you're from down under, right?
- Yeah.

I don't suppose you know
Mel Gibson.

Mel Gibson? Ought to.
Bailed him out of jail twice.

You're kidding.
You really do know him?

- I could tell some tales about Mad Mel.
- Please do.

I thought you said we were finished
with these prying Newsday people.

She's just following up on
the original story. I'll handle it.

No. Now she want to come snooping
around studio. You should say no.

Look, we're the new boys
in town, right?

We're supposed to be begging
for publicity.

We start banning the press,
they're gonna be all over us.

Leave this to me.

- He takes his shoes off- Thanks, Tony.
- You're welcome.

Runs outside stark naked.

Sets fire to the building
and burns it to the bloody ground.

He's a mad bugger.

Excuse me.

Mel Gibson's best friend.
They're practically brothers.

I've seen them together.

Just tellin' 'em a few tales
about Mel Gibson.

- You don't know Mel Gibson.
- Yeah, I do.

You know him too.
Met him at Donk's pub.

Mel Gibson. Tall redheaded fellow,
walks with a limp.

Oh, "Mal." Malcolm Gibson.
Not Mel Gibson.

Yeah, Mal Gibson.
They know about him over here!

Small world, isn't it?

Hey, Mick. Mick,
you give me a call anytime.

Okay, dude. Hey!
Maybe we'll do lunch.

- Mick, you're starting to scare me.
- I like Hollywood.

Good afternoon.
Welcome to Beverly Hills.

Thanks.

So, your story on the film company
just got red hot.

Tom Zetland's place was robbed,
and they took everything.

Oh, my God, that's terrible.
But how does it make the story hot?

Tom is accidentally killed?

His place is cleaned out, leaving
no clues to what he's working on?

Maybe Tom was
on to something big,

and they had to shut him up.

You think the film people
had him killed?

It's possible.

I had a bad vibe about this
from the start.

I think you should be
careful going out there.

Well, I'm not exactly going
into a Mafia stronghold.

I'm interviewing
a studio head on the lot.

I'm even bringing my family along.
They're gonna do the tour.

Well, all righty, then. Welcome,
ladies and gentlemen, boy and girls,

to the Paramount Pictures tour.

This is where the magic happens,
people. But before we actually begin,

I'm gonna ask you all
to raise your right hand.

Okay, cool. Now what
you're about to witness...

are some of the biggest secrets
of movie-making.

So I must ask that all of you swear not
to reveal anything you witness here.

Do you swear?

Uh, just say, "I do."

- I do.
- Okay.

Righty- o, Jim.

Oh, wow, you're in for
a special treat here today, people,

'cause just up ahead
we're actually filming...

a giant crowd scene for the latest...

Silvergate Studio picture,
Lethal Agent III.

I told you we should've gone
to Universal.

Because quite simply, losses
on the first two movies...

are amortized into the cost
of the franchise.

We're making this movie
for practically nothing.

Okay, but still, wouldn't it
be cheaper to make your films...

either here or in Eastern Europe
instead of both places?

Sure, but our movies are set
in Eastern Europe.

You can't fake
the locations here?

I mean, they're shooting
an African jungle next door.

Sue, can you and I talk
off the record?

- Will you excuse us for a minute?
- Sure.

Quite frankly, the, uh,

the success or failure
of these films...

is of little importance to us.

We're after bigger fish.

There are over
300 million people...

in what was once
the Soviet bloc.

People who are starved
of entertainment.

Movies shot in their own backyard,
starring their own people.

I'm talking about building
major studios, cineplex chains,

even theme parks.

The deal I am talking about will make
Euro Disney seem penny-ante.

Well, this is a great story.
A Russian Hollywood.

And when do we go on record?

Two weeks, tops.

But for you,

24 hours before
the rest of the world.

Exclusive to Newsday.

And in return?

Postpone the piece you've
already started. Right now, what is it?

It's a- It's a story
about a small-time studio...

and their two
unsuccessful movies.

Who cares?

What do you say?

Well,

if it's a Newsday exclusive,
I guess you got a deal.

Claire, why don't you take
Ms. Charleton down to the set.

You can see the glamorous
side of the business.

I'll be in touch.

You are good.

...where we can transform
an ordinary man or woman...

into an ape or a clown.

All righty, then. Now, before
we enter this next portal,

it is my duty to warn you that several
dangerous jungle creatures...

have been sighted on the loose,
so keep inside the tram at all times.

I don't want to lose
anyone... again.

- Dad, do you have your big knife?
- Didn't think I'd need it here.

I might have my pocket knife.
What do you need it for?

- In case the jungle animals attack.
- I think we'll be all right.

Okay, look out, folks,
it's a giant deadly anaconda!

- Well, that's awesome, dude.
- Sorry, reflex action.

Okay. Cool.

Let's get outta here.

Hey, is he part of the show, or what?

G'day.

- Was that more man stuff, Dad?
- You got that right, mate.

- Hey, you two. Did you have fun?
- Yeah, it was cool.

Yeah. So how'd your interview go?

Creepy.

Did you ever talk to someone and think
everything they're saying is a lie?

Yeah. Nugget.

Well, Nugget's harmless.
This guy-

You know what you should do? Your
paper's got police connections, right?

You get the cops to do
a background check on him.

That's the way they do it
on NYPD Blue.

Hmm. Well, I see Mikey's
not the only one glued...

to the TV all day long.

But we only watch educational
programs. Right, mate?

Yeah. Like wrestling.

"Can you smell
what the Rock is cooking? "

- Well, did he behave today?
- Yeah, he was good as gold.

I wasn't talking to you.
I was talking to Mikey.

Oh.

And no more TV.
You start school tomorrow.

G'day. Mick Dundee.

Here to pick up my ankle biter.
It's his first day.

Ah, Barry Katz.
What, uh, grade's he in?

- Uh, fourth.
- Oh, same as my boy.

My boy's in the third.
Eric Berry.

- Hi, Eric.
- Well, you look like an outdoors man.

What do you think of this
whole survival camp idea?

What is it?

The school's puttin' it on this summer.
Teach kids how to survive in the woods.

Fishing, making campfires.
Dads are welcome.

- Oh.
- I think it's a great idea.

Gives them a chance to get in touch
with nature. I'm gonna take Gary along.

Good for you.
Couple of weeks in the bush,

you and your boy,
you'll both love it.

You ever take your boy into the outback
where you were? Down under?

All the time.

Just last month,
I took him into the bush.

Taught him how to kill
a wild boar with a stick.

Kill a boar?
But he's, like, nine years old!

Yeah, well, you know what they say.
Better late than never, eh?

Ah.
See you later, fellas.

Hey, Dad. Ms. Mathis wants to talk
to you. I'll meet you over there.

- Dorothy Mathis, Mr. Charleton.
- Oh, how do you do?

Actually, it's Mick Dundee.
But I'm Mikey's dad.

Oh, Mr. Dundee. Right.

Well, first off, Mikey is
a lovely boy. Bright, friendly.

There's just one small problem,
one we run into all the time here.

We call it
the "Hollywood Syndrome."

Like when a dad plays
a policeman in a movie,

the children often believe
he's actually a policeman.

Oh, right, you've got
a lot of actors' kids here.

I'm not in the movie business, I'm in
the tourism business. Not so glamorous.

Exactly. Which is why
your son tries to make it...

sound a bit more colorful
than it really is.

Now, it seems harmless,
but little fibs can grow.

What's he been sayin'?

I'm afraid he told everyone
you're a hunter,

and you hunt and kill crocodiles.

Oh. He knows
better than that.

Crocodiles are protected.
I don't kill 'em. I catch 'em alive.

Oh? Well, yes, of course.

I'll talk to him.
There'll be no more fibs.

Really nice to meet you, Dorothy.

Looks like a hunter.

Nice butt.

Dad, will you tell the teachers
to call me Dundee, not Charleton?

Oh, sure. We just had to enroll you
at school under your mother's name...

'cause that's your
legal name over here.

Is that 'cause
you won't marry Mum?

Oh, no, we're married...
sorta.

We just haven't done
the legal bit yet.

So what'd the kids say when you told
them your dad was a crocodile hunter?

They said, "Well, what's
he doing in Beverly Hills? "

Smart kids.

Hey, Dad,
what's that man doing?

I don't know.
Let's go and ask him.

Excuse me, mister.
What are you doing?

Well, I'm meditating,
young man.

What's meditating?

Meditating is a special place I go
in my mind where there's no distraction,

and I receive
a great source of power.

Cool. Can you
show us how, please?

Sure. Come forward
and have a seat.

- My name's Mikey. What's yours?
- Hi, Mikey. I'm Mike.

Oh, hi, Mike.
I'm Mick, Mikey's dad.

Mikey, Mick, Mike.
You gotta be kidding me, right?

- No.
- Okay, okay. Hold your legs...

like in a Buddha position,

grab your ankles to
save yourself some discomfort,

and, um, we're gonna take it easy-
close your eyes, relax.

Inhale the positivity,

exhale the negativity.

Inhale the positivity,

exhale the negativity.

Open your eyes.
Wake up. Relax.

- How do you feel?
- Very powerful.

And that's the ticket, daddy-o-
power. It's all in the power.

Mikey, would you just hurry up ahead.
I need to talk to Mike for a minute.

- Okay.
- In private.

- Thanks, Mike. See ya.
- You're welcome, Mikey. Take care.

Now, Mike, I need a favor.

You know, Mick, everybody
needs a favor from me.

Well, I need you to help me up.
My knees have locked.

That's my bad right there.
You got it, buddy.

I didn't want my kid to see.
Oh! There.

Thank you.

Hey, Dad, did you see the size of
Mike's muscles? They were huge.

Yeah. You see, you should never
judge a book by its cover.

That Mike- big man,
built like a brick dunney,

but I could tell straightaway
he was a gentle man.

He wouldn't hurt a fly.
I just know people. It's a gift.

I need you guys
to tear this place apart.

Ah, it's the bowlin' ball.
Pure heroin.

- I know it's here somewhere.
- Check out the bowlin' ball.

- Hey, what about this bowling ball?
- There, I knew it.

- Hey, Sue!
- Hmm?

- What are you doin', love?
- Trying to think like a journalist again.

I used to be
pretty good at it.

Not that anyone was gonna put...

Sue Charleton and Pulitzer Prize
in the same sentence,

but, ah,
I'm just stumped.

Is it that, uh,
film studio thing?

I'm sure it's an elaborate front
for something. But what?

They're smugglin'.

- Drugs or guns.
- How do you arrive at that?

That's what it always is.

The big money thing they smuggle
into America are drugs.

And the big thing goin' out-
guns.

Oh.

And where did this insight into
major criminal activities come from?

Oh, from TV.
I'm a quick learner.

I look like I just fell off the turnip
truck, but I didn't land on my head.

You know what you need?
You need a mole.

- A mole?
- Me. I'll get a job at the studio.

Oh, Mick, I know you need
something to do, but-

I made a lot of contacts
at that movie party.

I bet one of them
could get me a job there.

Well, what about Mikey? Who's gonna
take him to school in the morning?

I'll get him one of those nannies.
I'll get a good one.

No worry. Leave it to me.
This is important.

See, sometimes I think young Mikey
thinks I'm a bit of a hillbilly.

Well, I am, actually.

I wanna show him that being a hillbilly
doesn't necessarily mean you're dumb.

So our first group,
stroll up the street,

followed by our three businessmen
at a more brisk pace...

and then our two
construction workers!

- Diego Rosales.
- Yeah, Mick. Mick Smith.

Nice to meet you, Mick.

Now, we're in Berlin,
so please walk like Germans!

How do Germans walk?

- One foot after the other?
- Okay.

So, this is a rehearsal!
Background only!

And... action!

What the hell are you doing?

I just wanted my kid
to see me in the picture.

Yeah, well, if you start looking
at the camera during the take,

- they'll take you out of the picture.
- Oh.

- You're new, aren't you?
- Yeah, first role. Bit nervous.

Cut!
Back to one, please!

- Just relax. Watch me, okay?
- Yeah.

Forget about the camera.

We're two working stiffs
on our way to a bar.

- Oh, just pretend it's real life?
- Yeah.

Okay, now, people, we will be doing it
for real this time, and remember-

attention, please!

- Quiet, everyone! Picture's up!
- Quiet!

- Roll!
- Sound speed.

Marker.

Set.
And... background action.

And action.

Stop that man!

- Cut! Cut!
- Man, are you okay?

- What the hell happened?
- It was my fault. I saw him runnin'-

Uh, what happened is that he-
he tried to catch him as he fell.

We saw him trip. He went down hard.
Are you sure you're okay?

- Thanks for trying, buddy.
- Okay, we'll go again.

Back to one! Fast as you can!
We're losing the light!

Hey, thanks
for covering up for me.

I couldn't help it, you know? Reflex.
Sort of like a football flashback.

Football, my ass.
That wasn't exactly a legal tackle.

It is at home. It's called a dowel
and coat hanger. Anyway, I owe you one.

No, no, it's okay.
I had to keep you here.

You're fun. I want to see what you're
gonna do to screw up the next take.

Okay.

Oh, uh, what's the problem,
Michael?

Miss, do people like rats
in America, or are they just pests?

- Why do you ask?
- There's a big rat in the bookshelves.

- Is it dead?
- No, Miss.

I only stunned it. Dad says never kill
anything unless you're gonna eat it.

Eww!

I think we'll just put it
outside, please.

He's my best friend, you know?

The key to survival here is you gotta
keep your face away from the camera.

That way they can use you
again and again.

- I've been in every mob scene.
- You're a pro.

All right, everyone!
Settle down!

- Settling!
- Try again.

And background action!

Action.

Watch this! Watch this!
Kiki, get me a drink.

Cut!
This isn't working.

What's the problem
with the monkey?

Sorry. She was fine earlier.
Come here, Kiki. Come here.

Come here.

I don't understand.
She never does this.

Come here, Kiki!

She's just a bit nervous.
What do you want her to do?

- You ever work with animals?
- Yeah.

- Kinda.
- She's supposed to go to the table...

and take a soda
to the actor.

- Diet or regular?
- Whatever. Diet.

- Want a glass?
- She hasn't learned that.

We're running late here.

Can we try one more time?
If this doesn't work, we'll drop it.

Okay, back to one.
This is the real thing, everybody.

Concentrating. Roll!

- Picture's up!
- Speed. Marker.

- And background action!
- Action!

Watch this. Watch this!

Kiki, get me a drink.

Make it a diet one.

And a glass too!
Thank you, mein Liebchen.

Cut! Print!
Check the gate.

Whoo!

Book him.

Look, uh, I got a problem.
All my animals are on the jungle set,

and I can't keep coming
back and forth with the chimp.

So if you'll fill in for me,
I'll double what you're getting paid.

Will I still be on this picture?

Every day.
Kiki's an above-the-title player.

You got a deal.

You're looking at
the new monkey wrangler.

- Thanks for your help, Diego.
- Dude, Mick!

Hey, hey, this is
a positive career move.

- Reckon?
- I'm telling you, you're gonna go far.

Ah! Don't be a stranger now.

Hell of a nice guy.

Can't act for shit,

but he'll probably wind up
with his own TV sitcom.

Mikey!

Wait just a minute, dear.

- See ya, Mike.
- Bye, Mikey.

I suppose your father's
picking you up again.

Nah, he's at work this week.

Oh. Bummer. Well, how are you
getting home then?

I've got a nanny
like all the other kids.

Oh! Which one's yours?

Over there.
The big one.

- Your nanny?
- He's Uncle Jacko from back home.

- And is Uncle Jacko married?
- No, but he's looking.

Hi. Dorothy Mathis.
I'm Mikey's teacher.

G'day, Dorothy.
Call me Jacko.

Bloody marvelous.

Los Angeles, eh?

Funny name.

Los Angeles.

Yeah, it means, uh,
"lost angels."

It's Italian.
Ah, there it is.

I told Sue I'd take you somewhere
really special for dinner.

You're gonna love this place.
Trust me.

Now, pick out what you want
of the menu here...

and you yell it out
into that box.

Two minutes later,
you're scarfing it down...

without even
getting out of the car.

We have these drive-ins
back home in the cities,

but this is
where it all started.

So you can eat like a pig
and no one can see you.

Clever buggers,
these Yanks, eh?

Well, this is why L. A. is famous
all around the world-

for its fine cuisine.

Welcome to Wendy's.
Can I take your order?

Let me handle this.
Good evening, Wendy.

There will be four of us
dining in the car this evening.

So we're gonna need
four triple burgers with cheese...

and four Biggie Fries.

So that's four Classic riples...

- Uh, wait a minute.
- and four Biggie Fries?

Uh, here comes Stan and Harry.

Uh, they'll also be
dining with us tonight,

so we need...
six triple burgers with cheese...

and six Biggie Fries.

Okay. Six Classic ripples
with cheese and six Biggie Fries?

- You know what I'd really like to do?
- What's that?

Go right up on the roof
on one of those skyscrapers.

That's easy.
Just find one that's open.

S'truth. This is
higher than Ayers Rock.

Yeah. Of course, the buildings
in New York are a lot higher.

I was there, you know.

Old New York.

Or as we call it, the "Big Apple."

Big Apple?
Why do you call it that?

Well, because
it's really big and, uh-

Yeah, but none of those buildings
are as dangerous as this.

What do you mean?

Well, they don't have
earthquakes in New York.

They have 'em here
all the time, right?

Yeah.

We could have one right now.

God!

What do you reckon
it'd do to this building?

Hey, I wouldn't wanna be up here
if she started shakin', eh?

I've seen enough.
You done?

Oh, yeah.
No point in hangin' round.

This quake-safe?

No worries.

Oh, mate, I need a drink
after all those 1, 286 stairs.

No worries, mate.

Didn't work.

Well, you gotta wait. There's hundreds
of cars going through...

and just us two trying to cross.

Yeah?
Now there's 20 of us, eh?

Yeah, but you can't do that.
It's illegal.

Well, I don't see any cops.

Yeah, but they have cameras
at all these intersections, see?

If you do anything wrong, they take
your picture and send you a fine.

Yeah, but I ain't wearing
a number plate around my neck,

so how the hell are they
gonna know who I am, huh?

When you landed here,
you showed 'em your passport, right?

- Yeah.
- Got your picture in it, dopey.

Oh, yeah, right.

I wonder
how much they fine you.

It all depends on how many times
you push the button.

- This looks like us.
- Great. Texas bar. We're in.

This could be a bit of fun.

These American cowboys
like a good barroom brawl.

Howdy, boys. Step on in.

Howdy, ma'am.

- Ma'am.
- Howdy, cowboys.

# It's raining men
Hallelujah #

Stone the bloody crows!

That must've been
one of those poofter bars.

Yup. Only I believe
the correct term is "gay homosexual."

That's what they call
their shirt-lifters over here.

The only woman there was
the cowgirl at the door.

Give it up, punk,
or I'll blow you away.

Uh, hang on. I can't hear you.

- That's better. Now how can I help you?
- Smart-ass cowboy, huh?

- Hand me over your money, man!
- They ain't cowboys.

- They're fools dressed up!
- Fools got money too.

- Give it up or I'll bust a cap in your ass!
- Yeah, hand it over, bitch!

Bitch?

Son, you have any idea how quick
you have to be to catch a tiger snake?

I'm always getting mugged.
I must look rich.

It's one of them soft-top cars.
Cave in.

- Ow!
- You know,

this must be why they call L. A.
the "City on Wheels."

What do you mean?

They don't even get out
of their car to mug you.

- Hey!
- Ow!

It's all your fault, homes!
You shouldn't have called him a bitch!

Should we call the cops?

No point. Over here,
they'd probably end up suing us.

Besides, it's not their fault.

It's the drugs.

I saw all about it
on that Geraldo Rivera.

He knows the streets.

Let's just get a cup of coffee
and go home.

Don't be too hasty
ordering coffee around here.

You might not be too happy
with the way they serve it.

Trust me.

And this is where a big crocodile
almost bit his leg right off.

- Whoa!
- Neat!

Well, to tell the truth, kids,
it wasn't really that big.

No more than 20 feet or so
anyway.

Whoa! That's huge!

Yes, I know.

They just don't appreciate
a real artiste. I'd have bit him too.

I thought you were fabulous.

I don't care what that director said.
He's an idiot.

You were really good.

- You said black with one sugar, right?
- Oh, yes.

- Thanks, mate. Excellent.
- And...

I got us a little treat
for our friend here.

Oh, great.
That'll hit the spot.

Black and one sugar.

She's a bit grumpy today.

Not happy with
the size of her trailer.

She wants a big one like Virgil,
but I keep telling her,

"Virgil's a lion.
You're only a monkey."

Sorry.

"Chimpanzee."

Say, have you thought
about changing agents?

Diego, you're talking to a chimp.
They don't speak English.

Neither did my first wife.

Keep moving, Dravos.

Don't be stupid!
Mind the painting!

Just lean it carefully
against the wall for now.

Carefully!

G'day, Phil.
What's happening, mate?

Hi, Mick.
The usual continuity nightmare.

Right.

- What's that mean?
- It means I have to make this set...

look exactly like it did
on location in Yugoslavia.

Yugoslavia. Is that where
all these paintings come from?

Yup. They had them
done there. Dumb.

Would've been cheaper here,
and more realistic.

Oh, so none of these are valuable.
They're just all copies.

Yup, and rather
poor ones at that.

And these huge, tacky frames?
For God sakes.

Don't they usually cart
the sets and the props...

from one country
to another and back again?

Maybe in a big-budget international
movie like Mission: Impossible 3.

But I haven't seen Tom Cruise
hanging around the set, have you?

Tom Cruise.
What's he look like?

Like... Tom Cruise.

Jeez, Mick, were you
born in a cave?

Yeah!
How did you know that?

Never mind.

Jim, the Van Goghs
are down at the wrong end.

See, here they started with
the Gauguins, one above the other.

Let's get this right.
We gotta be done in here tonight.

They're shooting
in here tomorrow.

You see,
you can mix heroin into a plaster,

make it any shape you like.

So, when I see this guy go nuts 'cause
they bumped the lousy painting,

that's when I knew
where the drugs were hidden-

molded into the picture frames.

Pure heroin, or
as we call it, "smack."

Jeez, Mick, you really do
think like a detective.

Yeah, well, it comes sort of
natural to me, you know?

- Hey, Mick.
- Ah.

That was the police lab.

Sorry. The frames are just plaster.
There's no drugs.

Oh, bugger it.

I was sure
I cracked the case.

I don't know. Maybe they're not
smuggling anything.

Oh, no. They're sneaking around
with something.

I just haven't found it yet.

Look, I read about this fella,

he used to push
a wheelbarrow full of cow dung...

across the border every day.

"Manure for the garden, " he'd say.
Went on for months.

And the border guards knew
he was smuggling something,

so they'd stop him and rake through
that manure with a fine-tooth comb.

Never found a thing.

Turned out they were right.
He was smuggling something:

wheelbarrows.

Right under their noses.

See, it's there, and I'm just
not seeing it... yet. But I will.

Nah. I reckon he was right
the first time. It's drugs.

They wouldn't go to all
that trouble for wheelbarrows.

Cut! And print.

We'll cut when he throws,
so that'll work fine.

- All right!
- Well done, Paul.

Listen, everyone,
we do not burn down the castle now.

That will be
a second-unit shot tomorrow.

That means everyone goes home early
and has tomorrow off.

- Whoo! All right!
- Okay, see you all Friday!

First thing!

And you've actually seen
these paintings quite recently.

Yeah, today.

Well, then that makes it easy.
They're fakes.

You can tell that
from the photographs?

Well, normally, no.
But, you see, these Rembrandts...

and this, The Olive Field
by Van Gogh,

unfortunately no longer exist.

During the bombing
of Belgrade by NATO,

the National Art Museum of Serbia
took a direct hit,

burned to the ground along with
the originals of these paintings...

and possibly the finest collection
of old masters in Eastern Europe.

It was a tragedy
for the art world.

Ergo, these must be copies, fakes.

That, um, Belgrade,
is that in Yugoslavia?

- Yeah.
- Where these paintings come from.

What if it wasn't
an accidental bombing...

and someone removed
the paintings first?

Spoils of war?

Maybe I should take a look at these.
Could you take me to them?

That's probably impossible.

But if I could get one of them
and bring it to you and it was real,

that means the rest
are probably real, right?

You must call me the minute
you find one. I have to see them.

- No worries.
- Thank you. Thank you.

- Hey, who drew this?
- Pablo Picasso.

I'm a drinking man myself,
but I've never been that hammered.

This'll be a piece of cake.
I know this lot backwards.

- Wait in the car.
- Uh, Mick?

I was gonna say, "Be careful, "

but I guess that's kind of a dumb thing
to say to someone who hunts crocodiles.

No worries.

Of course the difference
is obvious here,

but on film,
it's a perfect match.

- Isn't it?
- All right, we have the paintings.

Now must we continue with
this stupid movie business bullshit?

You really don't get it, do you?

God is in the details.

These came into the country as
film props. Anyone wants to see them-

"Sorry. We burned them.

Want proof? Go see the movie."

Dead end. Brilliant.

Carl, we need your help.

Carl, that painting should be covered.

I'll be with you in a moment.

- Then who the hell is that?
- Stop him!

After him! Quickly!

Shoot low!
Don't hit the painting!

After him!
Seal off the lot!

- Quick! Hold this! Thanks.
- What?

He ran in here.
Dravos followed him.

Cover all the exits.
Go in and help Dravos flush him out.

Shh. I know, I know.
Mick said to wait here.

It's his bust, right?

I know. I was just looking.

How'd you get here anyway?
Who's looking after Mikey?

Miss Mathis,
his teacher from school.

I followed you in her car.

Oh. I'll just keep you on hold.

Ah.

Keep you on hold. Ha!
I just come out with them.

- Who is this man? How does he-
- I think he's the monkey guy.

Mick, the guy that trains
the monkey. Same hat.

How would the monkey guy
know about the paintings?

Is he alone?
You better hope he's still alive.

Get in there.

We're entering stage four.

- We'll flush him your way.
- Roger that.

Oh!

Shoot low.
We need him alive.

Watch out...

for the wall.

He's gone to the jungle set.

There's only one way
in and out of there.

- I'm on it.
- Cover the gate till we get there.

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

High five.

Stan, copy.
Boss said don't go in there alone.

- Stan? Stan?
- Too late, mate.

Stan!

Oh, shit.

Did it, um-

I- It... missed, I think.

I hope.

Hi, Mick.

I know you're still here.

Why don't we stop
playing this silly game?

You can come out and...

join your friends.

I have no more patience for this!

Okay, you win. I'm comin' out.

Just don't make
any sudden moves.

You don't have to be so formal.
We're all friends.

You can... lower your hands.

I can't really lower this one.

- And why is that?
- 'Cause if I put this arm down...

and break eye contact,

he might come down here
and tear you apart.

- Who?
- Fella who lives in there.

Look. Up on the rock.

Are you nuts?
Can't kill a lion with a. 38pistol.

You'll just piss him off.

If you shoot anyone,
they better not bleed.

Lions go berserk
when they smell blood.

If I was you, I'd back up slowly
into that cage.

Uh, yeah.
Surely, that's a...

tame lion.

Yeah. You could be right.

I shoot you. You bleed.

- I take my chances.
- But he's not your problem.

It's his missus I'm worried about.

I can't handle her.

She's got PMS, I think.
Can see it in her eyes.

Anyway, you do
what you have to do.

I'm getting in the cage...

before his mother-in-law
comes down.

No! No!

- Open the door! Open the door now!
- Give me the gun.

You held a gun to my wife's head.

- Huh?
- That's unforgivable.

- I'm gonna help you lose some weight.
- How?

Virgil's gonna come down here and
bite a big chunk out of your fat ass.

Virgil, lunch!

Sit!

Ah.

If you touch me, I will sue you
for every cent you've got.

Ha! Well, that sounds fair.

Hey, that's about 40 bucks.

It's a fair deal.

Bargain.

And how are you, miss?

- What the hell were you doing in here?
- Well, I had to.

My cell phone went dead,

and I had to come in here
to find a phone to call 911.

You're clever, Sue. I never
would've thought of that.

Yeah, well, that's because
she's a Dundee.

Or she ought to be.

Uh, Jacko, keep an eye on
the goons and, uh, block your ears.

- What?
- Block your ears. Private talk.

No worries, mate.

Uh, I have to tell you this.

I was just really scared
for the first time in my life.

Well, that's okay.
Most people are frightened of lions.

No, not the lions.
They're just hungry.

It's when I saw that goon
with a gun at your head.

That's when I realized
how much I, uh-

You know, um-

Will you marry me?

Well, you do rush into things,
don't you, Mick?

Are you sure it's not
just the romantic setting?

Local experts say the value
of the recovered art...

could run as high
as $300 million.

For the very latest, let's go live
to Marta Waller at the scene. Marta?

Thanks, Hal. Right now
the police are taking...

these priceless paintings
into protective custody.

The woman behind me talking to
the detective is Ms. Sue Charleton,

the Newsday reporter...

who led detectives to the cache
of stolen masterpieces.

However, earlier tonight,

he did tell me he is, in fact,
a known expert in the art world.

Isn't that the guy who had
the skunk on the freeway?

- Hey, Hal!
- We'll have more as the story unfolds.

Right now
let's go to Malibu...

where last night's downpour
of almost a quarter inch of rain...

resulted in disastrous flooding
and massive mud slides...

along the Pacific Coast Highway.

Sue, do you accept this larrikin...

as your wedded husband?

- I do.
- Mick,

do you accept this lovely lady
as your wedded wife?

No worries.

Fair enough.
I now pronounce you...

husband and wife.

- Good on ya, Mick.
- All right!

It's official now, mate.
You're Mick Dundee II.

- Cool.
- Now I guess we'll wait and see...

whether you turn out to be
another Crocodile Dundee...

or Michael Dundee,
newspaper tycoon.

Oh, that's a no-brainer, Dad.

I'm gonna be
Crocodile Dundee,

hunter and rich owner
of a big newspaper.

I didn't raise a dumbbell.

Put this on for the photos.

- What for?
- You look like a dork in that suit.

- No, I don't.
- You should look like Crocodile Dundee.

No, I think my crocodile
huntin' days are over.

From here on in, it's...
"Mick Dundee, Private Eye."

Nah. I'm kiddin'.