Critters 2 (1988) - full transcript

A batch of unhatched critter eggs are mistaken for Easter eggs by the country-folk inhabitants of Grover's Bend and, before long, the ferocious furballs are on the rampage again. - stop by if you're interested in the nutritional composition of food

I hate that part.

Bounty-hunters, have you
completed your mission?

Oh, yeah, we wasted him.

Check out the head
on this sucker.

Fine, however, an earlier
expedition remains incomplete.

A g-sweep of the planet earth
indicates residual crite life.

- G-sweep's wrong.
- No way, your holiness...

I was there. I saw it all.

The g-sweep is infallible.

The council is very nervous
when it comes to the crites.

They are a lethal plague
and must be wiped out.

Pay for the hexapod kill
shall be withheld

until the eradication
of crites on earth is verified.

There must be no doubt.

Does this mean
we're going back to earth?

What takes you
to grover's bend, son?

My grandmother lives there.

Oh, easter vacation
with granny, huh?

Aw, that's a good grandson.

You know what the bend's
famous for, don't you?

What's that?

Hasn't your granny ever
told you about those

space porcupine things?

No, no, she never did.

Bunch of folks hereabout
think they came

from one of those unidentified
flying ufos or some such.

Some say those
little boogers attacked

one of the farms
outside of town.

Maybe a friend
of your granny's, huh?

The browns?

No... no, no,
she doesn't know any browns.

Come on, man!

Buried treasure right this way.

What the hell are we doing?

Ain't nobody lived here
in two years.

What exactly are we looking for?

Collector's items.
Nothing like 'em.

Just like all the other weird
shit you got in your store.

Jeez, it's freezing in here.

What are they?

Whatever you tell people
they are.

So what do you say?

These things ain't worth dick!

Okay, fine.

I'll just take 'em up to kc.

See what one of them

big antique stores
will give me for 'em.

- You do that.
- But...

A case of meister brau
would save me a lot of trouble.

- Load 'em up.
- Right!

Perfect fit!

Come on, kids,
let's go. Hurry up.

Hey, sis, dinner's
at 6:00, okay?

Okay, Megan!

- You put...
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Okay, okay. We'll pull the photo
one column to the left.

Now we'll keep
the "4-h club" sidebar,

and we will swap
the "sidewalk weeds issue"

with the "easter egg hunt"
right here! Huh?

- 1-l...
- Yeah.

- Hey, dad!
- Hi, honey!

- I got the returns.
- Just put them back by the...

- The typeset, will you?
- Okay.

So what do we do
about the 39-pound squash?

We bury it somewhere
on page four.

I thought you said
it was 29 pounds.

39. I weighed oi' jumbo myself.

Better move it up to page one.

We're still looking
at empty space here.

Put that back!

I got a stop-press
story for you.

Oh, what's that? "Bus driver
finds grover's bend"?

"Brad brown is back in town."

Bradley brown?!

The boy who cried "critter."

We don't want to get scooped
on this one, Mr. Morgan.

Not much chance of that, sal.

We're the only paper
in 80 miles.

This is big news
in grover's bend.

Inquiring minds want to know!

- Like mine.
- Mm-hmm. Just forget it, sal.

That boy's stories nearly
tore this town apart.

Just let grover's bend
forget about that night.

I mean it, sal, no...
Brad brown.

Brad who?

Snack time! Here we are!

Don't you have
any Clark bars or milk duds?

Honey, fresh vegetables
are high in fiber,

and we need fiber
for a healthy bm.

We don't want to get
constipated, do we?

- No!
- No, we don't.

I know who that is!

Bradley, come on in.

- Hi, Nana.
- Oh, look at you...

You're shooting up
like a stinkweed.

Mmm, you've been
eating red meat.

No! No, no, no. Not me.

It's the worst thing
you could do to that body.

Come in here and have
a good snack with these kids.

You know the carnivores
have short intestines

and the meat passes
right out through?

But we're herbivores,

we've got great long intestines

and the meat just rots in there.

No, no, you stop it.

Quigley, get your stupid dog
out of the way!

Chili dog, get in the back!

Go on, get back.
Go on! Get in the back.

Go on! Get in the back,
you miserable son of a bitch!

Go on!

- It's just a dog.
- So was cujo.

= shit.

Hi, harv.

What in the hell
are you doing here?

Important business.
Brad brown is back in town.

Oh... well,
on the important chart

I'd put that right between
a pineapple quiche

and a pimple on the ass.

I thought you would
want to talk with him...

You know,
about the critters and all.

Why in the hell would I want
to do a thing like that?

If I never talk to anybody

about them things
that shall remain nameless,

I'll die a happy man...
And besides that,

I ain't been sheriff of this
burg for two glorious years.

Now, why don't you
run along home, sal?

Because they're about to start
the bonus round.

Here's the last of them.

Put them with the rest of them,
brain dead.

So... what about them brewskies?

This is all that
plain-wrap piss.

I thought we agreed
on meister bra...

I ain't got no meister bra...

Then I'm taking two.

And a couple of these!

I hate teenagers.


Now... what in the hell
am I gonna do with you?

Right on the highway 54,

just outside of grover's bend.

We'd love to see ya.

- Moo-ve.
- Jj at the hungry heifer ij

ji we won't give you
a bum steer jj

Say, ug...

How come...

You look like
that rock and roll guy,

and Lee's still a...


Because this body fit.

Lee stays a nothing-face

till he finds the right self.

Can't live in the wrong self.

Charlie quiet.


Just about going back to earth
after all this time.

Don't want to?

I don't know.

On earth, I was
just a big nobody.

I had one friend...

And he was just a kid.

- Brad.
- Yeah.

Hey, hey, uh...

You wouldn't just leave me
on earth, would you?

Charlie bounty-hunter.


Yeah, Charlie bounty-hunter.

Say, you guys are okay,
you know that?

Jj at the hungry heifer ij

ji we won't give you
a bum steer jj

how about some buffalo chips
or a moo shake?

We've got a two-for-one
easter special.

No, thanks.

Wesley, what are you doing here?

Let's have us a beer.

Don't you get it?

Let's just say
I'm not the Van halen type.

All right!

I hate elevator music too.


What other choice you got?

Wesley, I've got to go to work!
Leave me alone!

Leave her alone.

Just, you know, cool it, okay?

Well, looky here.

Little Bradley brown.

I haven't seen you
in a long time, peewee.

How's your little
space monsters?

I don't want to start
any trouble, okay, Wesley?

Did you hear that?

The little mouse
don't want any trouble.

Well, that's too bad.

I'm w a r n ing y o u 3

I've been taking karate.

I don't want anyone
getting hurt,

so just keep your distance.

Somebody call the sheriff!

Shouldn't have
come back, asshole!

Nobody wants you here!

Thanks for the getaway. I'm...

Bradley brown.

Do I know you?
Did we go to school together?

You used to throw cherry bombs
in the trash cans.

- Are you a senior?
- Yup.

- What?
- Ponytail and braces.

- And zits.
- You're Megan Morgan?!


Does your dad still run
the newspaper?

- I'm a reporter there.
- Really?!

Kinda like a Jimmy Olsen
with breasts.

Chili, chow!

Well, shit.

I reckon you'll come back
when you get hungry.

But I'm going home.

Mr. quigley? Len?!

Are you here?

Nana, it's scary in here.

It's okay, hon.

Nothing here can hurt you.

Especially no dead frog.

Don't touch that!
= I didn't hurt it!

Never mind that, len.

Where are those easter eggs
you called me about?

Oh, they're in the back.

Where on earth
did you get these, len?!


They're from Europe.


What are you
asking for these, len?


10 bucks... each.

That's not what you'd
ask the church, now, is it?

Oh, of course not.
Of course not!

I'll give you $20 for the stack.

- You can have half for $25.
- 20.

For half.


Now, Cindy, these really
are special, aren't they?

Yeah, really.

- How long are you in town?
- Just through easter vacation.

- Where do you guys live now?
- Up in Kansas City.

Kc, k or kc, mo?

This isn't for
"the gazette," is it?

I'm thinking of going to college
there next year, okay?

Sorry, I just get nervous
with reporters and stuff.

'Cause of all that talk
about those...

Space monsters
a couple years ago?

No such thing
as any "space monsters."


Yeah, that was just
a stupid kid's dumb dream.

It never happened.

Oh, thanks for
helping me, honey.

And for being such a good girl,
I've got a present for you.

- What?
- You just wait.

Wow, a chocolate bunny!

It's better than chocolate,
honey, it's carob!

You might as well
take one of these too.

- Thanks, Nana.
- Happy easter, darling.


Easter sucks.



What the...?

Chili dog?

Chili boy.


Chili, wake up, boy.

Whoa! Oh!

What the hell...

Looks like someone's
getting sleepy.

Not me!

Go on, honey. You want to be
bright-eyed and bushy-tailed

for the big easter egg hunt
tomorrow morning.

But I'm not sleepy yet, daddy.

Really! = uh-huh.

Come on, I'll tuck you in.



- Night, brat.
- Night, creep.

Super daughter.

Do you want to get
under the covers?

No, it's too hot.

Oh, okay.
Night, night, sleep tight.

Don't let the bedbugs bite.

I'll just bite it right back!

Yeah. Oh... uh-oh!

What's that in your hair?

Good night, daddy. I love you.

I love you, too.

I'm going to bed now, Bradley.

Don't stay up too late.

You knew no one
would believe it, didn't you?

I sure do miss you, Charlie.

Where did you go?

Honey, are you all right?

Oh, I'm sorry, honey.

Boy, your easter candy's
a real mess.

- Eww...
- Eww...

Would you look at this?

You ladies are doing
a wonderful job.

Oooh! Now, reverend!

Those are for the children.

The easter bunny's here.

Right on time.

Midge, would you bring
the sheriff his package?

- Here you go.
- There you are.

Are you sure you couldn't
get somebody else to do this?

Sheriff harv did it
for 20 years running.

- Well, I ain't sheriff harv!
- Don't be such a gloomy Gus.

Sheriff, just help us out.

Who knows, you might even
have yourself a good time.

Fat chance.

Well, you better hurry, ladies.

Resurrections in 45 minutes.
= oh!

Put this down on the other side.

Okay, Emily.

Spread them out
so they're all even.

Good morning, children.

Happy easter.

We're going to have
to be patient today.

We can't start the hunt
until the services are over,

but I have it on good authority
that the easter bunny himself

just might make an appearance.

Thank you.

Boy, pretty good crowd today.

I haven't seen you
since Christmas.

- I thought he was gone!
- He's trouble.

Back here. = that's him.


Welcome, friends.

Welcome one and all.

Today, of course, is the day
of resurrection.

So it seems only fitting

that some of you
have chosen this day

to resurrect
your church-going habit.

Why'd I ever let her
talk me into this?

Honey, that's awfully beautiful.

Aw, this is great.

The easter bunny with his
tehachapi hanging out.

It'd give them kids
a real education.

What the hell was in you?

And entering into the sepulcher,

they saw, sitting
on the right side,

d young man...

Clothed in a long,
white garment.

And they were affrighted.

Come on, sweetheart, let's go.

There you are.

My dad just ran
your grandma home.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm all right.

What do you think
happened to the sheriff?

You heard 'em. It was probably
some kind of farm accident.

Farm accident?! You saw him!

That was no farm accident.

What are you trying to say?

You were telling the truth

about those things, weren't you?

There's no such thing
as those things!

I don't believe you.

I-I mean I do believe you.

I mean, I believe what
you said a couple years ago.

Do me a favor and don't
do me any favors, okay?

Don't you think
we better go see harv?

Well, I'm going.



We need you in town. Something
awful's happened at the church.

What the hell are
you doing here, boy?

We think it might have
been those... creatures.

What creatures would that be?

- It's true, harv.
- You see 'em?

Not exactly, but I...

Then don't be bringing me grief!

You go tell the sheriff.

- The sheriff is dead!
- They got him up at the church.

His stomach was eaten out.

Some of the folks are
trying to say it was

some kind of farm machine
accident, but it wasn't.

You have to come with us, harv!
What are you doing?

What does it look like
I'm doing, Einstein?

I'm doing what any intelligent,

grover's benders would do!

I'm haulin' ass!

You can't leave now!
This town needs you!

Yeah? This town voted me out
in a landslide.

This town can kiss my ass!

I can't believe you're just
going to run away.

We need you, harv.
We need a sheriff.

Go check the yellow pages.

Oh... hi. Uh...

This here's American culture.

Good reading.

G-good articles.


Oh no, Lee. Lee, no, no.

No, no, don't...
No, don't look at me, Lee!

Kill crites.

Hey, guys! Hey, wait up!

Hey, Lee!

Lee, you're gonna need this!

Okay, let's think about this.

Maybe there is a
logical explanation.

What do you mean?
Like really bad stomach ulcers?

Well, it could have been a dog!

Yeah, and it could have been
the brain from planet Eros.

You saw him, Brad.
It was no dog.


What's the matter?

I need a little air.
I was going home

to take a hot bath and I see...

Just slow down.

Rolling, rolling, towards me...

- It's getting bigger
- Take a breath!

And bigger...

And it's got these big teeth...

- Where did it go?!
- It went into quigley's!

Mr. quigley!

Get in the truck
and lock the doors. Hurry.

Brad, you can't go in there.
Let's just get help!

Oh, who are we gonna call?
Critter busters?

Just stay behind me
in the truck!

Mr. quigley?

Anybody home?

Mr. quigley, are you okay?

Nobody's home.
Let's get outta here.

Get up!

Bradley, look behind you!

Get in the truck!

Get in!

- Roll up the window!
- It's broken!

- Come on!
- God damn it!

Come on, come on!

- You're flooding it!
- Then you drive, damn it!

Dear god, that critter thing!

Get away, I am not kidding!

Yuck, veggies, ugh!

Nana, the critters are here.

No, shit, Bradley!

Damn meat eaters!

Where are you going? Bradley!

- Where's the communicator?
- What communicator?

The one the bounty-hunters
gave to me.


The space guys.

Oh. Oh, you mean the
remote control.

- It's always on the TV.
- Not the remote control.

Nana, this is not
the remote control.

Those bounty-hunters!

That was fast.

- More crites.
- Yeah, a lot more.

Boy am I glad to see you!

B-both of you.

These guys are great.



I can't believe it!

Look at you... all dressed up
like one of them.

Well, I am one of them.
I'm a bounty-hunter.

Yeah, right.

No, no, no. I work with them.

Are you still...?

Nah, nah.

I don't need that
anymore. You see... see...

Up in space, I am somebody.

See, I got a job and a meaning.

I guess that means you won't

be staying long then, huh?

Probably not.

B-but, see, Brad...

I gotta go where
the cosmic winds blow me.

I gotta...


Where no man has gone before.

Well, it's really good
to have you back, Charlie.

Even if it's just
for a little while.

Hey, wait!
Help us out over here.

- That guy's crazy.
- Don't go in there.

Jd hey, little buddies,
come gather 'round jj

jj this here's the very best
eating in town jj

jj the hungry heifer's
the place to be jj

jj lip-licking good,
you can take it from me 270

jj try a polar burger
and some buffalo chips 57

jj and wash it all down
with a moo shake jj

jj pat your tummy
and smack your lips ij

jj suck for hours
on your fingertips jj

jj at the hungry heifer I'l

ji we won't give you
a bum steer jj


Get out of the way!

Operator?! Operator, can you
hear me? Please listen,

I can't hear you,
but this is the

editor of the
"grover's bend gazette."

We need to get the highway
patrol down here right away.

Operator, can you... oh, god.

Oh, my god. I can't hear you.

All I can hear is static.
If you're there...

Can you hear me?
Can anybody out there hear me?


- Oh...
- Thank god!

- They're real.
- I know.

The critters are real.

- Daddy, are you okay?
- Yeah.

= shh!

- Did you guys hear that?
- Let's get to the door.

- Oh no! Daddy!
- Get him up, come on!

- Go!
- For god's sake!

- Wesley!
- Wesley!


Please go on inside.
You'll be much safer in there.

I need some more bandages.


- Cindy, are you okay?
- What happened to daddy?

Don't worry,
he's gonna be all right.


Ug, what happened?

Crites feed together.

Eat like a family.

Love meat. A bad habit.

You guys don't eat meat?!

Hey, who's gonna pay
for all this stuff?!

Look at the mess you guys made!

No, Lee, no, no, don't...

Not this! No, Lee!

Kill more crites.

I-I gotta go, Brad.


It sure is quiet.

Maybe they're all dead.

I wish.

They're probably
waiting right outside.

There's a cheery thought.

It's like they're
teasing us or something.

I just wish I knew
where they were.




W-what are you...
What are you doing?

No! No, no, no!

No, Lee, please!

Hold it, Lee. Hold on.

This is the one.
This... now, this...

This... that's it.

Good, that's it.

Kill crites.

Thank you.

Sweet Jesus! What was that?


Ug, what happened?

Where's Lee?

God, ug's losing it.

Charlie, what happened?

Lee's dead.

What happened to...


Is he okay?

He ain't breathing.

That's okay,
he don't have a mouth.

Try and transform, ug.


I'm not a
good enough bounty-hunter

to do it by myself.

Hey, get back inside! Go on!

If you don't get inside
I'm going to see to it

your dad blisters
your little butt!

Get inside and lock the door.

I'm back.



Looks like we
got us a job to do.

- Did you hear that?
- Uh-huh.

What was it? = shh!

- Look!
- Where are they all going?

I don't know.

Looks like some kind of
critter convention.

There must be hundreds of them.

We can't call
in the highway patrol.

All the damn
phone lines are down.

We've got to do something.
We can't just stay here!

Those things got the west road
out of town blocked.

We're never gonna get past them.

Same goes for the east.

Listen, this is
the safest place we can be!

Now, I say we stay here and wait
the little bastards out.

These things aren't gonna leave.

Mind your own business, boy!

This is my business!

These things don't give up!

We have to fight 'em
and we have to kill 'em.

Seems mighty queer to me...

Two years ago when
the critters first come,

they come to the boy's house.

Now the boy's back in town and
the damn things are here too!

Listen to me!
I've been through this before!

- We have to fight these things!
- We don't include you.

Now, I ain't listening to no

undersized kid
from the big city.

Or no town drunk,
or no no-faced spaceman

out of a flying saucer telling
us how to run our own town!

We didn't have this trouble
till the boy came back.

Let's not get hysterical here.

That boy saved
my little girl's life.

This ain't no show of yours
either, Morgan.

I say the boy's
bad news in shoes.

What is this bullshit?

Them man-eating dust mops
got us roped up tighter

than a blue-ribbon bull
and all you folks can do

is stand here and play
kick-the-can with some punk kid!

If we set around here
on our duffs...


We're gonna end up
tomorrow's leftovers.

Now I don't too much
relish that idea.

I think it's time to fight back.

- We gotta blow them up.
- Oh, come on, boy!

No, no, I mean it!

Go out in the field
and see for yourselves.

The critters are eating
the cattle out there.

It's just like ug said,
they get together to feed.

So let's put out
the most outrageous

banquet in the world for them.

What have you got in mind, son?

Polar burgers!

We'll get them
into the hamburger factory,

lock them in
and then blow them up!

So who's gonna lead
this suicide mission?


It was my idea,

but I'm gonna need some help.


I'm in.

I'll go.


All right, you all
just volunteered.

Come on, you bunch of pussies.

You've got nothing
to lose but your lives.

I'll get the gate!


Armed and dangerous, everybody.

Oh, my god!

It's working!

Let's roll.

Oh, my god.

Harv, harv!

Company's coming.

Wait up!

Hey, don't piss them off!

Everybody, ready?
Here they come.

Oh, dear god.


They stopped.

Oh, shit.

Charlie, come back here!


They're coming back.

Brad, I think it's gonna work.
= shh.

Where did that
big one come from?

Oh, my god.

Look at the size
of their leader.



It's the bounty-hunter.
He led them back.

The door!

Run! Blow it, blow it!

We fried 'em!

Are you okay?

Yeah. It's just ketchup.

Close one, though.

Get back, she's gonna
blow again!

Son of a bitch.

Harv, it's heading back to town.

Ohhh, lord, harv, the children!

- Come on.
- Let's go!

Come on!

Come on, faster!

They're heading for town!
Come on!

Oh, my god, I bet it's
headed for the church.

We gotta stop it!

Inside, quick. Quickly!

Honey, do what he says.
Get inside.

Brad, look out!

Ram it, ram it!

I'm gonna hit it!

- Come on!
- Run, run!


I'm a bounty-hunter!!


You mean that...


Good ol' Charlie.

Brad, look at ug.

Well, just go on in, huh?

You practically got
the whole run of the bus.

Goodbye, Brad.

Goodbye, Charlie...
I mean... ug.


- Thanks, Nana. Love ya.
- I love you, too.

And here. Here's a...

Spinach-cashew cake I made.

Eat it if you get hungry.

- Okay?
- Okay.

Get a move on, son,
this bus runs on a schedule.

I guess I'll be seeing ya.

Come on, son. Kiss your
little gal and let's haul ass.

Holy shit!

Hey, can one of you guys
help me get this parachute off?


Oh, I got it.





Say, listen...

What just happened here?

If I was you, partner,

I'd roll this rig
right outta town,

and not say nothing
about none of this to nobody.

Bye, Megan.

Bye, Brad.

Hey, Charlie! Catch!

Jj hey, little buddies
come gather 'round jj

jj this here's the very best
eating in town jj

jj the hungry heifer's
the place to be jj

jj lip-licking good,
you can take it from me 270

jj try a polar burger
and some buffalo chips 57

jj wash it all down
with a moo shake jj

jj you'll pat your tummy
and smack your lips I'l

jj suck for hours
on your fingertips jj

jj at the hungry heifer ij

ji we won't give you
a bum steer jj

and don't you forget,

all of your friendly
hungry heifer

restaurants throughout
the midwest

are open on easter Sunday.
So after church,

why don't you and your family
stop in for a creamy moo shake

or some crispy buffalo chips?

And we'd like to invite
you and your family

to visit our factory,
right off of highway 54,

just outside of grover's bend.

We'd love to see ya!


Jj at the hungry heifer ij

ji we won't give you
a bum steer jj