Critters (1986) - full transcript

A massive ball of furry creatures from another world eat their way through a small mid-western town followed by intergalactic bounty hunters opposed only by militant townspeople.

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Man: Radar control.
This is prison transport 9961,

requesting permission
to land. Over.

Man 2: We've been
expecting you, pt 9961.

Please confirm payload. Over.

Man: Crite prisoners...
Eight of them. Over.

Man 2: There seems
to be a problem, pt 9961.

My advance notice cube
states there should be

10 crite prisoners aboard your
ship. Please explain. Over.

Man: Well, we did
have 10 at one time,

but the crites were
eating everything in sight.

We had to kill two of them to
make the food last longer. Over.



Man 2: Roger, pt 9961.

You're cleared for landing
in docking bay b.

Send crite prisoners
through detox and immunization.

Put them in the termination lock
as soon as you land.

Shock control will be
standing by. Over.

Man: Roger, radar control.

This is warden zanti.

Get shock control over
to the termination lock.

The crites are up to something.

Guard:
Explosion in termination lock.

Damage report.

Guard: Two dead
and three wounded, sir.

Escapes?

Guard: The crites.
All eight of them.



The crites have stolen a ship!

- Damn.
- Get the bounty hunters.

Warden: I have a job for you.

They've stolen
one of our fastest ships,

with enough fuel to cross
the galaxy 10 times over.

So fuel is not their concern.

However, you must stop them
before they can feed.

You will receive
full payment, as usual,

only upon evidence
of their destruction.

Brad, April, breakfast!

Brad, I need to get in there!

April: Come on, you
little snot, I'm in a hurry!

Mom, Brad won't
let me in the bathroom!

Hello? Yeah, hold on.

April, telephone!

Brad, you're a real jerk!

Mom, Brad's
hogging the bathroom.

Two minutes.

Hello?

Oh, hi.

Jay, breakfast!

Helen, was that Charlie calling?

- Helen: No, it was Steve.
- Steve?

Yeah? Happy birthday!

Yeah?

Well, what'd you get?

- No! Come on.
- Hey. Steve who?

- The new boy at school.
- April: No!

Whatever happened to
what's-his-name?

- Helen: Richard?
- I'm a terrible guesser.

Yeah, Richard. I thought
he was the love of her life.

- Try and keep up, will ya?
- You got to keep me informed.

Did you wash my bowling shirt?

Yes, dear, it'll be ready
for the tournament. Go eat.

Jay:
Brad, get Chewie off the table.

April: I can't wait!

Have you seen
Charlie this morning, Brad?

Bye.

Thanks.

- So who is this Steve?
- The dork from New York.

Shut up. You're such a baby.

What happened to Richard?

All Richard cared about
was hog farms.

So? My dad farmed hogs.

Dad!

Brad, what are you
sitting at the table

with a thermometer
in your mouth for?

I'm not feeling very good.
= I'll bet.

- You look okay.
- 106?

April: Brad, did you
tell mom about your

big geometry test
you have today?

Shut up. Just shut up!

Helen:
You have a test today, Brad?

You're a real
shithead, you know?

Bradley!

Boy, I'm going
to wash your mouth out.

Maybe you'll do as well
on this test, Brad,

as you did on your last one.

Jay: What last test?

- Bye. Mmmmm.
- Brad!

Girl: Come on, April,
we're running late!

Get yourself ready
for school, boy.

Dad.

You miss that bus,
I'm going to skin you

and hang your bones out to dry.

"Thank you for the lovely
breakfast you prepared, mother."

Wonder what happened to Charlie?

Woman: Morning, harv.

Morning, sal. What's happening?

Well, this here says
that John Travolta

used to be a waitress
in fort Myers, Florida.

What's happening here, sal?

Big bowling tournament tonight.

And Charlie, he's
sleeping it off in the back.

Oh, be nice, harv.
He don't mean no harm.

Ah! Aaah!

They're coming!

They're coming, harv.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah. I'm getting them
through my fillings,

just like last time.

Cut the crap, Charlie.

- Listen.
- Jesus.

They're the same ones
that ruined my pitching career.

Do you ever
consider slowing down

on the whiskey, Charlie?

It ain't the whiskey.

Sal. Sal, you remember, right?

I was a prospect, huh?

And I wasn't
drinking then, was 1?

Sure, Charlie, sure.
You were major league material.

Right. I had heat.

And then I started
getting these messages...

Man: This is patrol g xp 1198

calling Alpha tango delta.
Come in.

- Over.
- Do you hear that?

- Charlie, it's Jeff.
=-Jeff: I'm on route 22.

Come on, lover, pick it up.

- Cut the horseshit, Jeff.
- Ooh, sorry, harv.

- I didn't know you were in.
- What do you need?

Just signing off for the night.

So sign off, already.

Uh, Charlie...

Why don't you just
go on out to Jay and Helen's?

You don't want
to get fired, now.

Oh, no. No, I like my job.

Well, you just forget about
that martian stuff, okay?

- Forget about that.
- Yeah, right.

This town's a zoo.

Prepare for
holographic transmission.

In my haste
to get you on your way,

there were a couple of things
I neglected to inform you of.

We are tracing the crites
to a solar system

where only one planet
supports life... earth.

Your ship database will
contain adequate information

on the culture of the planet.

Your transformation capabilities

should come in
quite handy there.

I trust, however, you will be
less destructive this time,

considering you nearly
destroyed half...

Computer: Earth is a
culture of many contrasts.

Their technological
advances have been...

Man:
Bring him down, bring him down!

J... from the light j

j shadows falling j

jj it's the power
of the night jj

jj streets are calling jj

jj power of... jj

jj the night 7j

Jj nighttime's afire jj

we are the heat jj

jj the flame is desire jj

jj burns in the street jj

jj know it's gonna strike jj

jj again and again jj

jj hold on to the night jj

jj hold on till the end j'j

jj power of the night jj

jj streets are calling jj

jj stealing from the light jj

jy shadows falling jj

jj it's the power
of the night jj

jj streets are calling jj

jj power of... jj

js ow! J

Jay: Okay.

Okay, I'm ready for
that carburetor, Charlie.

Charlie! Give me the carburetor!

Dj: It's 5:16 at keat.
K-eat in Kansas City.

Okay, 1948. A Missouri
housewife is kidnapped

by six little men
with orange heads

on her way to the laundromat.

All right! Whoo!

What the hell was that?

Did you see that, Charlie?

That was the
best one we ever did!

Yeah, that was...
That was real good.

Homemade. Best in the state.

Charlie, you broke my slingshot.

It's...
I can fix this. I can fix this.

You just go get a tin can.

Anyway, like I was saying,
this housewife...

What housewife?

I thought I told you
to get rid of them fireworks.

You like working here, Charlie?

Yes, sir.

Jay: I've been waiting
on that carburetor.

You've got to try
and concentrate

on what you're doing, okay?

I'm gonna...

I got a lot to do today,
so try to keep up, will you?

- Dad, I asked if he could...
- Give me those.

These are not toys.

I want to try to get this thing
fired up before dark.

Now what?

Sorry, Charlie.

That don't feel right.

- Hi, daddy.
- Hey, girl.

Daddy, this is Steve Elliot.

I asked him to stay for dinner.
I hope it's okay.

Mom said it was okay.

- Nice to meet you, Mr. brown.
- Expensive little toy.

Steve's dad just gave it
to him for his birthday.

It's the greatest, isn't it?

Don't look like you're going
to haul much hay in it.

No...

Let me... let me just
test it out for you.

Careful, Charlie.

Aaah!

Oops.

Ooh!

Charlie.

Bradley brown,
I'm going to kill you.

Uh, he, uh...

Brad, you get back here! Oh!

Brad, I'm going to kill you!

Come here, you little snot.

- April!
- He shot me with a slingshot!

I did not!

- Brad.
- April: Liar!

- April!
- Liar!

Hold it, hold it!

Boy, did you shoot your sister
with that slingshot?

I think I'll stand
on the fifth amendment.

This is not a democracy.
Did you or didn't you?

Yeah, I guess I did.

You know better than that, boy.
Go to your room.

- And no supper.
- Oh, Jay.

Helen.

Jj power of the night jj

jj streets are calling jj

jj stealing from the light... 7

at least you like me.

She's all set to go, Mr. brown.

Jay: Okay, Charlie.
See you in the morning.

Jj power of the night jj

jj streets are calling... jj

This is a great meal,
Mrs. brown.

Really, one of the best
I've ever had.

Thanks. Thank you, Steve.

- Well, we should get going.
- Steve: What?

You promised you'd take me
for a ride, remember?

I did?

Uh... right.

Hon, I kinda figured
you'd watch me bowl tonight.

We're defending
the championship, you know.

- Oh, we're...
- Maybe we'll come by later.

Don't suppose anybody would like
some dessert before they leave?

- No thanks, mom.
- It was very good.

- Thank you.
- Thanks.

Helen? = hmm?

Have you... you know,
talked to her

- about the way things are?
- Years ago.

Years?

Jy can't keep
from looking back jj

jj when I look into your eyes jj

jj if I could make a wish... jj

April: I thought you were
going to let me drive.

Steve: Okay. Just be careful.

Jj no turning back,
don't try me, it's done jj

jd no turning back,
the end has come jj

jj no turning back,
no hope for love jj

jd no turning back to what
was us, the end has... jj

what do I want
to see an old barn for?

Come on. It's romantic.

Wha... ro... April...

You want your car keys back,
don't you?

Come on, Steve. Want your keys?

Come on!

Jj no turning back,
no hope for love jj

jj no turning back
to what was ours j'j

jj the end has come jj

jj no turning back... jj

I'm allergic.

Brad: Just a minute!

Come in.

You can thank your mama
for fixing you a plate.

Where's that slingshot?

Brad, why are you always
fighting with your sister?

How come you and mom
always take her side?

I mean, I didn't even
do nothing!

Boy, you shot her
with a slingshot.

Right.

Well, anyway, I'm confiscating
this until further notice.

- But dad...
- Jay: And no movies...

For two weeks.

No, uh... April...

If your dad catches me
up here, I'm history.

He didn't even like me
eating his food.

I...

My parents never
come out here at night.

You sure?

Sorry.

Chewie!

Vj: And now for the
number one song of the week...

Johnny Steele's
"power of the night."

Jj something's
going to happen jj

jj do you feel it in the air? J

jj could be the fear
that's everywhere jj

jj moon don't look
friendly... jj

Jj... and it's called
rock and roll... jj

Jay?

There's something wrong
with the TV!

Jay?

The earth moved.

- Oh, already?
- Yeah.

Jay, will you forget
about the shaking? Let's go.

I'm just going to have a look.

Well, we're going to be late
for the tournament.

Brad, what the hell
are you doing up there?

Dad... you see... uh...

The earthquake threw me
clear out of my room.

I could not believe it.

Oh, cut the bull, boy,
and get your butt down here.

Well, you look like you've
done that a couple of times.

A couple times.

Come on. I want to
keep an eye on you.

Where are we going?
= out to the field.

Did you see that meteor?
I saw something.

Maybe it's a Russian spy probe
on some sort of secret mission.

I think you watch too much TV.

Smells like oil burning.

Smells like cow crap to me, dad.

Shh.

Holy shit!

- Are you all right?
- Yeah.

What is it?

Jay: Looks like one of the herd.

- Brad: What happened to him?
- I don't know.

Without my gun,
I don't want to find out.

Let's go.

Mom's going to be
really grossed out

when she hears about this.

Maybe we shouldn't
even tell her about it

till we find out more
about what happened out here.

This is g xp 11 niner eight,

come in,
Alpha tango delta. Over.

Sal: What is it, Jeff? Over.

Hey, sal. Hi. Uh...

How about we get some, uh,

doughnuts and coffee
after work, huh? Over.

Sal: Not tonight, Jeff.
Not ever. Over.

I, uh, copy, Alpha tango delta.
Over and out.

Shit!

Damn dog.

Come here, poochy.

Here, pooch.

Come on. Come on, doggie.

Come on.

Bark, bark, bark. Come on

what the...?!

Damn cat.

Oh!

Oh, you scared
the hell out of me! Oh!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Forgive me.

Jay, something
was staring at me.

What do you mean,
"something"? Where?

Over there by the window.

- Well, I don't see anything.
- Well, maybe it was Chewie.

Yeah, maybe.

Did you find anything?

Yeah, we found something
a little strange.

Jay?

- Transform.
- Nothing likes me.

Find something.

Eating start.

- Who are you calling?
- Harv.

I want to tell him
what's going on out here.

Maybe he's gotten other calls.

- This phone is dead.
- What?

- Mom?
- Okay.

There's no reason
for you to come down here.

Just wait a minute.

Probably just a circuit
breaker's been tripped.

What the...?

Jay, any luck? = just a minute.

What's wrong?

- Dad!
- Jay: Stay upstairs!

Mom, we got to help him!

- Bradley!
- No, no, don't come down here!

Jay, come on! What's down there?

I don't know.
Something meaner than hell.

Sal: Jeff, come in, Jeff. Over.

This is Alpha tango delta

calling g xp 11 niner eight.

Come in. Over.

Sal: Come on,
will you quit fooling around

and answer me? Over.

Sal: All right, I'm sorry
about the doughnuts and coffee.

Maybe another time, but tonight
I have to wash my hair.

Over.

Come on, Jeff.

I've been getting all sorts
of calls about ufos in the area.

Carla emmons swears that
one nearly ran into her house

and then went flying off.

I think she's been dipping
in the cooking Sherry again.

I am starting to lose
my Patience, Jeff.

If you are sleeping on the job
again, I am not going...

Jay: I can't feel that.

Hey, careful, boy.
That's some kind of poison.

That's better, babe.

I'm beginning
to get the feeling back.

Steve: I'll get it.

Oh! Aaah!

April: Steve!

Steve!

Who's that?

April!

April?

Brad!

- April?
- April: Brad! Brad, help!

Hurry up!

Do something, Brad!

April: Brad!

April: Brad!

- Brad!
- April: Mom! Mom!

- What? What are you...
- Steve's dead!

Charlie?

- Call harv.
- What for?

Call harv.

Call the army. They're here.

- Who?
- Who?!

Them! My teeth.

Sally, call harv, please?

Charlie...

I want to go home.

Okay. Just... where is he?

Might be at the bowling alley.

Okay, good, good. I'll get harv.

- You call the army.
- Okay.

Thank you, miss grubner.

Tonight...

I would like to read to you
from the book of Genesis.

Chapter 19...
Which, as most of you know,

is the story
of sodom and gomorrah.

Obviously, some
of our citizens are...

We're here for the crites.

The county is going
to pay for this, Jeff.

Jeff?

Jeff?

Jeff Barnes?

Jay...

Jay, what are you doing?

Maybe we ought to just stay put.

They haven't gotten
into the house yet.

They will.

We could board up the place.
We could make it stronger.

Helen, these things are vicious.

They've cut out our phone,
they've cut out our power.

You understand what that means?

It's just a matter of time
until they get in here.

Yeah, but we should
just stay here...

No, we can't wait.

Wait up, Brad.

- I can't go out.
- Oh, yes, you can, darling.

All right, Jay.

Okay, let's go.
We'll stay together.

- I'm going to drive, Jay.
- Okay, baby.

Come on.

Oh my god, Jay.

Oh, mom.

What the hell are those things?

They're from outer space,
like Charlie says.

- Bradley.
- Maybe they're some

government experiment
gone haywire.

They used to be gophers,

but got zapped by
some radioactive...

- Bradley!
- What are we going to do now?

- Steve's keys.
- Oh, god. Wait!

Jay: Stay together.

Helen: Come on, come on.

Go on!

They're getting bigger!

Brad: Come on, faster! Faster!

- It's locked!
- Come on!

Go! Get in!

Jay!

Brad!

Get him up to the door.

Get your feet up, Jay!

Mom, shoot!

I can't! It must be empty!

My pocket. My shirt pocket!

- Helen: Get them.
- Hurry!

- Well?
- The line's busy.

I don't get it.
Jay's never this late.

Except when he has
to pay for the beer.

Yeah.

Jake, they are coming.

They are coming. They are
not only coming, they are here.

See, I was out on route 22...

- And I looked up...
- Have another drink, Charlie.

I don't want
another drink, Jake.

I want harv. We're under attack.

I'm going to leave it
right here.

Just don't bother me anymore.

I saw the sign was
shaking and everything.

Woman: Isn't that Johnny Steele?

Man: I don't know.

Man: Whoa!

Joe, let's go.

Holy shit!

Wonder what team he's on?

Hey, Jake, are we gonna get a
couple beers over here or what?

You keep your shirt on, asshole.
I got a problem here.

You believe these guys?

It ain't Halloween, is it?

Man on TV: If anything
does happen to me,

you crooks won't live long.

Man 2 on TV: What does
he mean we won't live long?

What can I get for you fellas?

Reverend, what are
you doing here?

That's some outfit you got on.

- We want the crites.
- Oh, really?

Who are they, some new team?

The crites.

Look, mister, I-l don't know
what you're talking about.

I think you all
better be leaving

before somebody gets hurt.

You all have
a serious attitude problem.

Keep your shirt on, asshole.

This had better be important.

Sal: Harv, you better
get down to the church.

- All hell is breakin' loose.
- What?

Sal: The reverend says a couple
of guys came into the place

- they started shooting...
- Whoa, slow down.

Sal: Destroyed the organ,
you know how beautiful...

- Where's Jeff?
- Sal: I don't know.

I've been trying
to get him for hours.

Well, give me 10 minutes.

He looks pretty sick, mom.

I'm okay, sport.

He's fine.

He doesn't look fine to me.

Why don't you go
check the windows?

- Brad: I already did.
- Well, check them again!

Brad: It's okay, mom.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

- April?
- Yeah?

You okay?

The flue's open!

Ohhh.

Mom!

The shotgun!

Brad! Brad, look out!

Aaah.

Hey, hey!

Hey, hey!

I've been looking for you guys!

I just want to talk to you.

- At first he was Jeff.
- Was it Jeff or wasn't it?

- Well, he changed.
- Changed?

They were wearing
really funny clothes.

Like they was from Los Angeles.

Okay, everybody, just calm down.

Sal: Harv, all hell
is breaking loose. Over.

- Yeah, sal. Over.
- There's been a disturbance

at the bowlarama lanes. Over.

Yeah, what kind
of a disturbance? Over.

Well...

Evidently some guys
shot up the bar.

You get a description? Over.

Well...

It's kind of strange, harv,
but Jake says

it was reverend Miller
and Charlie

and some stranger.

Hold it, hold it, hold it.
I'm not reading you clear, sal.

Repeat that. Over.

Reverend Miller,
Charlie McFadden

and some stranger
just shot up the bar

at the bowlarama lanes! Over.

Have you heard from Jeff? Over.

I can't raise him, harv.

Listen, I...
I also got a report here

about shots fired
out route 22...

Near the brown place. Over.

Harv, do you read? Over.

Sal, I want you to keep
trying to raise Jeff.

Now, I'm headed over
to the bowling alley.

Then I'm going to head out
towards the browns' place.

Over and out. = over and out.

Get 'em, harv!

Jay: Babe, I got to get to a
phone, get some help out here.

- 1 can do it.
- Absolutely not.

Dad, you can't even walk.

I'm so tired.

Damn.

Son...

Assuming I said okay,
how would you do it?

Hit the yard, grab my bike
and head for the highway.

Dad, somebody's got
to go for help.

All right.

But boy, you ride like
you never rode before.

You get over to the emmons'
house and get on the phone.

- Get harv over here.
- Dad, I'll be fine.

- Don't worry.
- You want to take this?

Nah, you keep it.
It'd just slow me down.

Anyway, you might need it.

Brad?

See ya.

Brad: Oh my gosh.
They're growing!

How ya feeling, hon?

Like a brick hit me.

Oh, baby.

How long have I been...?

Where's Brad?

Brad has gone to get help.

Oh, Jay, you shouldn't
have let him go.

Stop, stop! Wait!

Go, just go. These things...
These critters.

Come on, go!

Dad's all torn up and mom's got,

like, a harpoon thing
in her neck.

And they're getting bigger.

Let's go!

Charlie?

Where's Jeff?

Hey, you're Johnny Steele.

- Where?
- Huh?

Where are they?

At my house. Come on, hit it.

Where?

Charlie, you know
where my house is.

Who are you guys?

We want the crites.

- The crites?
- Critters, crites.

You're not from
around here, are you?

Okay, okay.
You help me, I help you.

Stop it!

God damn it, stop it!

I got one.

Get out of my house!

Damn it!
Give me some more rounds.

- That's it.
- Oh, Jay.

Holy...

Mom? Dad?

Are you all right?

- Are you all right?
- Brad: Yeah.

Brad, who did you bring?

- Charlie and Johnny Steele.
- Who?

Go on!

Helen: Help us!

Oh god, Chewie!

Helen: Help us! Help us!

Oh, it's harv.

Holy shit! What is that,
a Cannon? What's going on here?

Brad. Where's Brad?
He's still in the house.

Helen, Helen!
Helen, Helen, Helen!

Get in the car. Get in the car!

Get in there. Get in.
Jay, get in the car.

Watch it!

Jeez, these folks
could use a good exterminator.

Charlie, what do you
think you're doing?

You drunk?

I hope not you'll
take over our operation.

Charlie, put me down.

Whoa!

Harv... are you okay?

I-I swallowed
my chewing tobacco.

Chewie?

Here, Chewie.

Brad: Chewie...

Come here.

Chewie.

Where've you been? I've been
looking all over for you.

Come on. We're going for a ride.

April: Brad, get down here!

Brad!

Help!

Thanks.

Oh, no.

Helen: April!

No, Helen, no!

- No!
- Where's April?

It just grabbed her.
I couldn't do...

It was huge.

- Come on, harv.
- They took her that way.

What was that thing?

Charlie?

Brad!

Brad! No! You get him!

Get him!

Charlie? = Brad.

I was right. I was right!

- What are you doing here?
- I'm just following my teeth.

I'm getting signals like crazy.

Come on.

Where are we going?

What the heck... =- shhh!

Brad, is that April?

Stay down, Brad.

Stay here.
If I need you, I'll holler.

Brad... what's that thing
going to do with April?

- It's going to kill her.
- Oh, it's going to kill her.

Kill her?!

Bradley!

Shhh!

Let's go.

- Brad!
- April?

Charlie: Give me your hand!

- I dropped my firecracker!
- April: Well, forget it!

Brad: But they'll get away!

- Charlie, let's go! Come on!
- Charlie, come on!

Brad! Brad, I got an idea.
Come here!

- Give me your fire.
- Brad!

Brad, come on!

Brad: Come on!

Throw it!

Brad: Dad!

- Mom, dad!
- Jay: Are you okay?

Brad: Yeah, we're okay.

Uh-oh.

Hey!

L, uh... just wanted,
you know...

To say thanks.

Bounty hunter: Call me.

Wow!

Uh... listen, you wouldn't
happen to have

another one of them
electronic gizmos

like you gave to Brad there?

Uh, listen, maybe you
need a good mechanic

to work on them guns there.

I'm real good with my hands...

Chewie!

Chewie?

Chewie.