Critters (1986) - full transcript

A massive ball of furry creatures from another world eat their way through a small mid-western town followed by intergalactic bounty hunters opposed only by militant townspeople.

Man: Radar control.

This is prison transport 9961,

requesting permission

to land. Over.

Man 2: We've been

expecting you, pt 9961.

Please confirm payload. Over.

Man: Crite prisoners...

Eight of them. Over.

Man 2: There seems

to be a problem, pt 9961.

My advance notice cube

states there should be

10 crite prisoners aboard your

ship. Please explain. Over.

Man: Well, we did

have 10 at one time,

but the crites were

eating everything in sight.

We had to kill two of them to

make the food last longer. Over.

Man 2: Roger, pt 9961.

You're cleared for landing

in docking bay b.

Send crite prisoners

through detox and immunization.

Put them in the termination lock

as soon as you land.

Shock control will be

standing by. Over.

Man: Roger, radar control.

This is warden zanti.

Get shock control over

to the termination lock.

The crites are up to something.

Guard:

Explosion in termination lock.

Damage report.

Guard: Two dead

and three wounded, sir.

Escapes?

Guard: The crites.

All eight of them.

The crites have stolen a ship!

- Damn.

- Get the bounty hunters.

Warden: I have a job for you.

They've stolen

one of our fastest ships,

with enough fuel to cross

the galaxy 10 times over.

So fuel is not their concern.

However, you must stop them

before they can feed.

You will receive

full payment, as usual,

only upon evidence

of their destruction.

Brad, April, breakfast!

Brad, I need to get in there!

April: Come on, you

little snot, I'm in a hurry!

Mom, Brad won't

let me in the bathroom!

Hello? Yeah, hold on.

April, telephone!

Brad, you're a real jerk!

Mom, Brad's

hogging the bathroom.

Two minutes.

Hello?

Oh, hi.

Jay, breakfast!

Helen, was that Charlie calling?

- Helen: No, it was Steve.

- Steve?

Yeah? Happy birthday!

Yeah?

Well, what'd you get?

- No! Come on.

- Hey. Steve who?

- The new boy at school.

- April: No!

Whatever happened to

what's-his-name?

- Helen: Richard?

- I'm a terrible guesser.

Yeah, Richard. I thought

he was the love of her life.

- Try and keep up, will ya?

- You got to keep me informed.

Did you wash my bowling shirt?

Yes, dear, it'll be ready

for the tournament. Go eat.

Jay:

Brad, get Chewie off the table.

April: I can't wait!

Have you seen

Charlie this morning, Brad?

Bye.

Thanks.

- So who is this Steve?

- The dork from New York.

Shut up. You're such a baby.

What happened to Richard?

All Richard cared about

was hog farms.

So? My dad farmed hogs.

Dad!

Brad, what are you

sitting at the table

with a thermometer

in your mouth for?

I'm not feeling very good.

= I'll bet.

- You look okay.

- 106?

April: Brad, did you

tell mom about your

big geometry test

you have today?

Shut up. Just shut up!

Helen:

You have a test today, Brad?

You're a real

shithead, you know?

Bradley!

Boy, I'm going

to wash your mouth out.

Maybe you'll do as well

on this test, Brad,

as you did on your last one.

Jay: What last test?

- Bye. Mmmmm.

- Brad!

Girl: Come on, April,

we're running late!

Get yourself ready

for school, boy.

Dad.

You miss that bus,

I'm going to skin you

and hang your bones out to dry.

"Thank you for the lovely

breakfast you prepared, mother."

Wonder what happened to Charlie?

Woman: Morning, harv.

Morning, sal. What's happening?

Well, this here says

that John Travolta

used to be a waitress

in fort Myers, Florida.

What's happening here, sal?

Big bowling tournament tonight.

And Charlie, he's

sleeping it off in the back.

Oh, be nice, harv.

He don't mean no harm.

Ah! Aaah!

They're coming!

They're coming, harv.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah. I'm getting them

through my fillings,

just like last time.

Cut the crap, Charlie.

- Listen.

- Jesus.

They're the same ones

that ruined my pitching career.

Do you ever

consider slowing down

on the whiskey, Charlie?

It ain't the whiskey.

Sal. Sal, you remember, right?

I was a prospect, huh?

And I wasn't

drinking then, was 1?

Sure, Charlie, sure.

You were major league material.

Right. I had heat.

And then I started

getting these messages...

Man: This is patrol g xp 1198

calling Alpha tango delta.

Come in.

- Over.

- Do you hear that?

- Charlie, it's Jeff.

=-Jeff: I'm on route 22.

Come on, lover, pick it up.

- Cut the horseshit, Jeff.

- Ooh, sorry, harv.

- I didn't know you were in.

- What do you need?

Just signing off for the night.

So sign off, already.

Uh, Charlie...

Why don't you just

go on out to Jay and Helen's?

You don't want

to get fired, now.

Oh, no. No, I like my job.

Well, you just forget about

that martian stuff, okay?

- Forget about that.

- Yeah, right.

This town's a zoo.

Prepare for

holographic transmission.

In my haste

to get you on your way,

there were a couple of things

I neglected to inform you of.

We are tracing the crites

to a solar system

where only one planet

supports life... earth.

Your ship database will

contain adequate information

on the culture of the planet.

Your transformation capabilities

should come in

quite handy there.

I trust, however, you will be

less destructive this time,

considering you nearly

destroyed half...

Computer: Earth is a

culture of many contrasts.

Their technological

advances have been...

Man:

Bring him down, bring him down!

J... from the light j

j shadows falling j

jj it's the power

of the night jj

jj streets are calling jj

jj power of... jj

jj the night 7j

Jj nighttime's afire jj

we are the heat jj

jj the flame is desire jj

jj burns in the street jj

jj know it's gonna strike jj

jj again and again jj

jj hold on to the night jj

jj hold on till the end j'j

jj power of the night jj

jj streets are calling jj

jj stealing from the light jj

jy shadows falling jj

jj it's the power

of the night jj

jj streets are calling jj

jj power of... jj

js ow! J

Jay: Okay.

Okay, I'm ready for

that carburetor, Charlie.

Charlie! Give me the carburetor!

Dj: It's 5:16 at keat.

K-eat in Kansas City.

Okay, 1948. A Missouri

housewife is kidnapped

by six little men

with orange heads

on her way to the laundromat.

All right! Whoo!

What the hell was that?

Did you see that, Charlie?

That was the

best one we ever did!

Yeah, that was...

That was real good.

Homemade. Best in the state.

Charlie, you broke my slingshot.

It's...

I can fix this. I can fix this.

You just go get a tin can.

Anyway, like I was saying,

this housewife...

What housewife?

I thought I told you

to get rid of them fireworks.

You like working here, Charlie?

Yes, sir.

Jay: I've been waiting

on that carburetor.

You've got to try

and concentrate

on what you're doing, okay?

I'm gonna...

I got a lot to do today,

so try to keep up, will you?

- Dad, I asked if he could...

- Give me those.

These are not toys.

I want to try to get this thing

fired up before dark.

Now what?

Sorry, Charlie.

That don't feel right.

- Hi, daddy.

- Hey, girl.

Daddy, this is Steve Elliot.

I asked him to stay for dinner.

I hope it's okay.

Mom said it was okay.

- Nice to meet you, Mr. brown.

- Expensive little toy.

Steve's dad just gave it

to him for his birthday.

It's the greatest, isn't it?

Don't look like you're going

to haul much hay in it.

No...

Let me... let me just

test it out for you.

Careful, Charlie.

Aaah!

Oops.

Ooh!

Charlie.

Bradley brown,

I'm going to kill you.

Uh, he, uh...

Brad, you get back here! Oh!

Brad, I'm going to kill you!

Come here, you little snot.

- April!

- He shot me with a slingshot!

I did not!

- Brad.

- April: Liar!

- April!

- Liar!

Hold it, hold it!

Boy, did you shoot your sister

with that slingshot?

I think I'll stand

on the fifth amendment.

This is not a democracy.

Did you or didn't you?

Yeah, I guess I did.

You know better than that, boy.

Go to your room.

- And no supper.

- Oh, Jay.

Helen.

Jj power of the night jj

jj streets are calling jj

jj stealing from the light... 7

at least you like me.

She's all set to go, Mr. brown.

Jay: Okay, Charlie.

See you in the morning.

Jj power of the night jj

jj streets are calling... jj

This is a great meal,

Mrs. brown.

Really, one of the best

I've ever had.

Thanks. Thank you, Steve.

- Well, we should get going.

- Steve: What?

You promised you'd take me

for a ride, remember?

I did?

Uh... right.

Hon, I kinda figured

you'd watch me bowl tonight.

We're defending

the championship, you know.

- Oh, we're...

- Maybe we'll come by later.

Don't suppose anybody would like

some dessert before they leave?

- No thanks, mom.

- It was very good.

- Thank you.

- Thanks.

Helen? = hmm?

Have you... you know,

talked to her

- about the way things are?

- Years ago.

Years?

Jy can't keep

from looking back jj

jj when I look into your eyes jj

jj if I could make a wish... jj

April: I thought you were

going to let me drive.

Steve: Okay. Just be careful.

Jj no turning back,

don't try me, it's done jj

jd no turning back,

the end has come jj

jj no turning back,

no hope for love jj

jd no turning back to what

was us, the end has... jj

what do I want

to see an old barn for?

Come on. It's romantic.

Wha... ro... April...

You want your car keys back,

don't you?

Come on, Steve. Want your keys?

Come on!

Jj no turning back,

no hope for love jj

jj no turning back

to what was ours j'j

jj the end has come jj

jj no turning back... jj

I'm allergic.

Brad: Just a minute!

Come in.

You can thank your mama

for fixing you a plate.

Where's that slingshot?

Brad, why are you always

fighting with your sister?

How come you and mom

always take her side?

I mean, I didn't even

do nothing!

Boy, you shot her

with a slingshot.

Right.

Well, anyway, I'm confiscating

this until further notice.

- But dad...

- Jay: And no movies...

For two weeks.

No, uh... April...

If your dad catches me

up here, I'm history.

He didn't even like me

eating his food.

I...

My parents never

come out here at night.

You sure?

Sorry.

Chewie!

Vj: And now for the

number one song of the week...

Johnny Steele's

"power of the night."

Jj something's

going to happen jj

jj do you feel it in the air? J

jj could be the fear

that's everywhere jj

jj moon don't look

friendly... jj

Jj... and it's called

rock and roll... jj

Jay?

There's something wrong

with the TV!

Jay?

The earth moved.

- Oh, already?

- Yeah.

Jay, will you forget

about the shaking? Let's go.

I'm just going to have a look.

Well, we're going to be late

for the tournament.

Brad, what the hell

are you doing up there?

Dad... you see... uh...

The earthquake threw me

clear out of my room.

I could not believe it.

Oh, cut the bull, boy,

and get your butt down here.

Well, you look like you've

done that a couple of times.

A couple times.

Come on. I want to

keep an eye on you.

Where are we going?

= out to the field.

Did you see that meteor?

I saw something.

Maybe it's a Russian spy probe

on some sort of secret mission.

I think you watch too much TV.

Smells like oil burning.

Smells like cow crap to me, dad.

Shh.

Holy shit!

- Are you all right?

- Yeah.

What is it?

Jay: Looks like one of the herd.

- Brad: What happened to him?

- I don't know.

Without my gun,

I don't want to find out.

Let's go.

Mom's going to be

really grossed out

when she hears about this.

Maybe we shouldn't

even tell her about it

till we find out more

about what happened out here.

This is g xp 11 niner eight,

come in,

Alpha tango delta. Over.

Sal: What is it, Jeff? Over.

Hey, sal. Hi. Uh...

How about we get some, uh,

doughnuts and coffee

after work, huh? Over.

Sal: Not tonight, Jeff.

Not ever. Over.

I, uh, copy, Alpha tango delta.

Over and out.

Shit!

Damn dog.

Come here, poochy.

Here, pooch.

Come on. Come on, doggie.

Come on.

Bark, bark, bark. Come on

what the...?!

Damn cat.

Oh!

Oh, you scared

the hell out of me! Oh!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Forgive me.

Jay, something

was staring at me.

What do you mean,

"something"? Where?

Over there by the window.

- Well, I don't see anything.

- Well, maybe it was Chewie.

Yeah, maybe.

Did you find anything?

Yeah, we found something

a little strange.

Jay?

- Transform.

- Nothing likes me.

Find something.

Eating start.

- Who are you calling?

- Harv.

I want to tell him

what's going on out here.

Maybe he's gotten other calls.

- This phone is dead.

- What?

- Mom?

- Okay.

There's no reason

for you to come down here.

Just wait a minute.

Probably just a circuit

breaker's been tripped.

What the...?

Jay, any luck? = just a minute.

What's wrong?

- Dad!

- Jay: Stay upstairs!

Mom, we got to help him!

- Bradley!

- No, no, don't come down here!

Jay, come on! What's down there?

I don't know.

Something meaner than hell.

Sal: Jeff, come in, Jeff. Over.

This is Alpha tango delta

calling g xp 11 niner eight.

Come in. Over.

Sal: Come on,

will you quit fooling around

and answer me? Over.

Sal: All right, I'm sorry

about the doughnuts and coffee.

Maybe another time, but tonight

I have to wash my hair.

Over.

Come on, Jeff.

I've been getting all sorts

of calls about ufos in the area.

Carla emmons swears that

one nearly ran into her house

and then went flying off.

I think she's been dipping

in the cooking Sherry again.

I am starting to lose

my Patience, Jeff.

If you are sleeping on the job

again, I am not going...

Jay: I can't feel that.

Hey, careful, boy.

That's some kind of poison.

That's better, babe.

I'm beginning

to get the feeling back.

Steve: I'll get it.

Oh! Aaah!

April: Steve!

Steve!

Who's that?

April!

April?

Brad!

- April?

- April: Brad! Brad, help!

Hurry up!

Do something, Brad!

April: Brad!

April: Brad!

- Brad!

- April: Mom! Mom!

- What? What are you...

- Steve's dead!

Charlie?

- Call harv.

- What for?

Call harv.

Call the army. They're here.

- Who?

- Who?!

Them! My teeth.

Sally, call harv, please?

Charlie...

I want to go home.

Okay. Just... where is he?

Might be at the bowling alley.

Okay, good, good. I'll get harv.

- You call the army.

- Okay.

Thank you, miss grubner.

Tonight...

I would like to read to you

from the book of Genesis.

Chapter 19...

Which, as most of you know,

is the story

of sodom and gomorrah.

Obviously, some

of our citizens are...

We're here for the crites.

The county is going

to pay for this, Jeff.

Jeff?

Jeff?

Jeff Barnes?

Jay...

Jay, what are you doing?

Maybe we ought to just stay put.

They haven't gotten

into the house yet.

They will.

We could board up the place.

We could make it stronger.

Helen, these things are vicious.

They've cut out our phone,

they've cut out our power.

You understand what that means?

It's just a matter of time

until they get in here.

Yeah, but we should

just stay here...

No, we can't wait.

Wait up, Brad.

- I can't go out.

- Oh, yes, you can, darling.

All right, Jay.

Okay, let's go.

We'll stay together.

- I'm going to drive, Jay.

- Okay, baby.

Come on.

Oh my god, Jay.

Oh, mom.

What the hell are those things?

They're from outer space,

like Charlie says.

- Bradley.

- Maybe they're some

government experiment

gone haywire.

They used to be gophers,

but got zapped by

some radioactive...

- Bradley!

- What are we going to do now?

- Steve's keys.

- Oh, god. Wait!

Jay: Stay together.

Helen: Come on, come on.

Go on!

They're getting bigger!

Brad: Come on, faster! Faster!

- It's locked!

- Come on!

Go! Get in!

Jay!

Brad!

Get him up to the door.

Get your feet up, Jay!

Mom, shoot!

I can't! It must be empty!

My pocket. My shirt pocket!

- Helen: Get them.

- Hurry!

- Well?

- The line's busy.

I don't get it.

Jay's never this late.

Except when he has

to pay for the beer.

Yeah.

Jake, they are coming.

They are coming. They are

not only coming, they are here.

See, I was out on route 22...

- And I looked up...

- Have another drink, Charlie.

I don't want

another drink, Jake.

I want harv. We're under attack.

I'm going to leave it

right here.

Just don't bother me anymore.

I saw the sign was

shaking and everything.

Woman: Isn't that Johnny Steele?

Man: I don't know.

Man: Whoa!

Joe, let's go.

Holy shit!

Wonder what team he's on?

Hey, Jake, are we gonna get a

couple beers over here or what?

You keep your shirt on, asshole.

I got a problem here.

You believe these guys?

It ain't Halloween, is it?

Man on TV: If anything

does happen to me,

you crooks won't live long.

Man 2 on TV: What does

he mean we won't live long?

What can I get for you fellas?

Reverend, what are

you doing here?

That's some outfit you got on.

- We want the crites.

- Oh, really?

Who are they, some new team?

The crites.

Look, mister, I-l don't know

what you're talking about.

I think you all

better be leaving

before somebody gets hurt.

You all have

a serious attitude problem.

Keep your shirt on, asshole.

This had better be important.

Sal: Harv, you better

get down to the church.

- All hell is breakin' loose.

- What?

Sal: The reverend says a couple

of guys came into the place

- they started shooting...

- Whoa, slow down.

Sal: Destroyed the organ,

you know how beautiful...

- Where's Jeff?

- Sal: I don't know.

I've been trying

to get him for hours.

Well, give me 10 minutes.

He looks pretty sick, mom.

I'm okay, sport.

He's fine.

He doesn't look fine to me.

Why don't you go

check the windows?

- Brad: I already did.

- Well, check them again!

Brad: It's okay, mom.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

- April?

- Yeah?

You okay?

The flue's open!

Ohhh.

Mom!

The shotgun!

Brad! Brad, look out!

Aaah.

Hey, hey!

Hey, hey!

I've been looking for you guys!

I just want to talk to you.

- At first he was Jeff.

- Was it Jeff or wasn't it?

- Well, he changed.

- Changed?

They were wearing

really funny clothes.

Like they was from Los Angeles.

Okay, everybody, just calm down.

Sal: Harv, all hell

is breaking loose. Over.

- Yeah, sal. Over.

- There's been a disturbance

at the bowlarama lanes. Over.

Yeah, what kind

of a disturbance? Over.

Well...

Evidently some guys

shot up the bar.

You get a description? Over.

Well...

It's kind of strange, harv,

but Jake says

it was reverend Miller

and Charlie

and some stranger.

Hold it, hold it, hold it.

I'm not reading you clear, sal.

Repeat that. Over.

Reverend Miller,

Charlie McFadden

and some stranger

just shot up the bar

at the bowlarama lanes! Over.

Have you heard from Jeff? Over.

I can't raise him, harv.

Listen, I...

I also got a report here

about shots fired

out route 22...

Near the brown place. Over.

Harv, do you read? Over.

Sal, I want you to keep

trying to raise Jeff.

Now, I'm headed over

to the bowling alley.

Then I'm going to head out

towards the browns' place.

Over and out. = over and out.

Get 'em, harv!

Jay: Babe, I got to get to a

phone, get some help out here.

- 1 can do it.

- Absolutely not.

Dad, you can't even walk.

I'm so tired.

Damn.

Son...

Assuming I said okay,

how would you do it?

Hit the yard, grab my bike

and head for the highway.

Dad, somebody's got

to go for help.

All right.

But boy, you ride like

you never rode before.

You get over to the emmons'

house and get on the phone.

- Get harv over here.

- Dad, I'll be fine.

- Don't worry.

- You want to take this?

Nah, you keep it.

It'd just slow me down.

Anyway, you might need it.

Brad?

See ya.

Brad: Oh my gosh.

They're growing!

How ya feeling, hon?

Like a brick hit me.

Oh, baby.

How long have I been...?

Where's Brad?

Brad has gone to get help.

Oh, Jay, you shouldn't

have let him go.

Stop, stop! Wait!

Go, just go. These things...

These critters.

Come on, go!

Dad's all torn up and mom's got,

like, a harpoon thing

in her neck.

And they're getting bigger.

Let's go!

Charlie?

Where's Jeff?

Hey, you're Johnny Steele.

- Where?

- Huh?

Where are they?

At my house. Come on, hit it.

Where?

Charlie, you know

where my house is.

Who are you guys?

We want the crites.

- The crites?

- Critters, crites.

You're not from

around here, are you?

Okay, okay.

You help me, I help you.

Stop it!

God damn it, stop it!

I got one.

Get out of my house!

Damn it!

Give me some more rounds.

- That's it.

- Oh, Jay.

Holy...

Mom? Dad?

Are you all right?

- Are you all right?

- Brad: Yeah.

Brad, who did you bring?

- Charlie and Johnny Steele.

- Who?

Go on!

Helen: Help us!

Oh god, Chewie!

Helen: Help us! Help us!

Oh, it's harv.

Holy shit! What is that,

a Cannon? What's going on here?

Brad. Where's Brad?

He's still in the house.

Helen, Helen!

Helen, Helen, Helen!

Get in the car. Get in the car!

Get in there. Get in.

Jay, get in the car.

Watch it!

Jeez, these folks

could use a good exterminator.

Charlie, what do you

think you're doing?

You drunk?

I hope not you'll

take over our operation.

Charlie, put me down.

Whoa!

Harv... are you okay?

I-I swallowed

my chewing tobacco.

Chewie?

Here, Chewie.

Brad: Chewie...

Come here.

Chewie.

Where've you been? I've been

looking all over for you.

Come on. We're going for a ride.

April: Brad, get down here!

Brad!

Help!

Thanks.

Oh, no.

Helen: April!

No, Helen, no!

- No!

- Where's April?

It just grabbed her.

I couldn't do...

It was huge.

- Come on, harv.

- They took her that way.

What was that thing?

Charlie?

Brad!

Brad! No! You get him!

Get him!

Charlie? = Brad.

I was right. I was right!

- What are you doing here?

- I'm just following my teeth.

I'm getting signals like crazy.

Come on.

Where are we going?

What the heck... =- shhh!

Brad, is that April?

Stay down, Brad.

Stay here.

If I need you, I'll holler.

Brad... what's that thing

going to do with April?

- It's going to kill her.

- Oh, it's going to kill her.

Kill her?!

Bradley!

Shhh!

Let's go.

- Brad!

- April?

Charlie: Give me your hand!

- I dropped my firecracker!

- April: Well, forget it!

Brad: But they'll get away!

- Charlie, let's go! Come on!

- Charlie, come on!

Brad! Brad, I got an idea.

Come here!

- Give me your fire.

- Brad!

Brad, come on!

Brad: Come on!

Throw it!

Brad: Dad!

- Mom, dad!

- Jay: Are you okay?

Brad: Yeah, we're okay.

Uh-oh.

Hey!

L, uh... just wanted,

you know...

To say thanks.

Bounty hunter: Call me.

Wow!

Uh... listen, you wouldn't

happen to have

another one of them

electronic gizmos

like you gave to Brad there?

Uh, listen, maybe you

need a good mechanic

to work on them guns there.

I'm real good with my hands...

Chewie!

Chewie?

Chewie.