Crispy's Curse (2017) - full transcript

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♪ One ♪

♪ Two ♪

♪ One, two, three ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah yeah ♪

♪ Yeah yeah yeah ♪

Come on, Milly.



Come here, come here.

Milly.

Don't worry.

Your mum's gone to a better
place.

Come over.

There's the leader, just there.

That's him.

Dinner's ready.

Well here, Alon.

You feed the chickens for a
change.

Are you gonna clean this
dog shit up or what?

Do you know how
expensive my shoes are?

I'm sorry about that son, but,

I'm gonna need you to clean
it up in the next hour or so.



Do you know
what they've been eating?

Hurry up, Maximus.

Rock waits for no man.

Is he here yet?

Yeah, man.

First magazine interview.

Jump in.

♪ And will you remember
the days that seem to ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

So which song was that guys?

Abraham Death Kick.

Who the hell is Abraham?

From the Bible.

Right, yeah.

Uh, so, all your songs
are from the Bible?

Have you ever read
the Bible man?

It's heavy as shit.

Uh, so you describe
yourself as a religious...

Eh, Christian.

Christian fresh metal band?

Yeah.

Right, cool, so what have you
got next?

Jesus Death Roar!

♪ Jesus ♪

Make yourself useful, mate.

Go and get me bag for life out
of the car.

Yeah, man.

All right, stop
filming or I'll nick you.

You've only just
reported this why?

We didn't want to
hassle you, man.

Well, if this ever happens
again,

report it straight away.

If this ever happens again?

So, you all is in a band or
something?

We're called Messiah Fist.

Otherwise known as Fist, aye?

That's us.

Well, I suppose you'll be
needing

a new drummer now.

All depends on
his injuries, really.

The drummer from
Def Leppard's lost an arm

and he still plays.

Well, I'm no musician,
but you'll probably

find that his timing's
a tad out from now on.

Is that Cliff?

Sorry, I thought you knew.

He died doing what he loved
the most.

What's that?

Getting rammed by old ladies?

Can I just have a few
words, please, detective?

And you are?

Me?

Oh, I'm Steve Smith.

I work for the Cult of Fury
Magazine.

What's that, a magazine for
trousers?

No, it's a heavy metal
magazine.

And they normally
report the news, do they?

Not really, but um, you know.

Well why don't you stick to
interviewing

these bunch of freaks?

Or trousers.

- All right.
- Piss off.

Great.

When can we have our
van back, detective?

Well, I doubt you'll be
wanting it back

with her out the side of it.

Come on lads.

We've got shit to sort out.

She's got a ladder in her
tights.

Do you know what the funny
thing about this lady is, Moss?

What?

Her middle name was Van.

No way.

She was from Allendale
somewhere.

Wait, guys, guys,
guys, guys, guys.

What now for Messiah Fist?

I will tell you what now.

The Fist will rise again like
a phoenix from the flames.

What doesn't kill us will
only make us stronger.

Our tale of survival and
courage will be told,

and the Fist will once again
become a force and a Fist

to the face of all the evil of
this world.

Our music, with God's
wrath, will make us so heavy

that Satan himself will shudder.

So, you're getting a new
drummer?

Yes.

So, Mrs. Jackson,
if you could tell us

more about what's been
happening.

We spoke very briefly
on the phone,

so a little bit more
background would really help.

Well, it all started
two days ago

when my husband left.

Everything started to
fall apart from there.

And did your husband leave
because

of the activity in the house?

Uh, no.

Um, that started the
morning after he left.

We'd gone up to bed at
10 pm, as we usually do.

I was tired from driving
back from Glasgow that day

so I went out like a light.

I remember Dennis getting up
in the middle of the night.

I was half asleep.

I assumed he was going
to get a glass of water.

He never took water to bed.

Always had to be fresh.

And that's when it happened.

That's when he'd gone.

Um, he took nothing with
him, not even his car.

Okay, and what about
the paranormal activity?

Oh, yes, sorry.

You don't want to hear about
my relationship problems.

Not that there are any, you'll
understand.

No, uh...

It started with a smell.

A burning smell,
like burning toast.

I thought at first
Dennis must've come back

and made himself
some toast, but no.

- Then came the laughing.
- The laughing?

- Well, more like cackling.
- Oh.

And how would you describe it?

The only way I can think to
describe it

is like Bugs Bunny.

Like the cartoon.

And uh, did you manage
to record any of it?

No, it didn't occur to me to.

Look, to be quite
honest,

I don't believe in this sort of
stuff.

I was hoping you
people could maybe

give me some explanation?

And anything else?

No.

Only it's becoming more
frequent.

Okay.

Well, do you mind if
we take a look around?

Please do.

So, can you sense anything?

Oh, I'm not a
spirit medium, dear.

I prefer to collect my data
with a more scientific approach.

However, if we did find
any paranormal activity

here today then a medium
would be rather useful.

Well, whatever it is, just
make it stop.

Please.

I'm going to take a reading
down here.

Perhaps leave a carrot out for
Bugs Bunny.

I'll check downstairs, Mary.

Uh, upstairs, please, Dan.

Okay.

And remember to take a note
of your readings, please dear.

My father says to
me the other day,

he says he's got

I says, "How?"

He says, "I'm a fairy."

I said, "I don't believe
in fairies."

So, Mrs. Jackson.

Where about in the
house did you hear

the laughter coming from?

Oh, I'm not sure.

It seemed to come from
everywhere.

Almost like it was
inside my head.

No kidding.

I watched a DVD the other day

with deleted scenes on it
and there was nothing there.

You see, you're smilin',
but you're not laughin'.

An audience of smilers
won't butter the parsnips.

What is it?

Can I have a word?

I don't want Miss Jackson to
hear.

What is it?

I've just seen a clown.

Come on and see the upstairs.

What?

A clown?

Is this some kind of joke?

I'm serious.

It was a big clown with a
horrible face.

Dan, I do not doubt your
integrity.

Your gullibility and
imagination, on the other hand,

are often brought
into question, but,

that taken, okay, let's
go and check it out.

Well I think this is
just one big joke

and I'd like to ask
you all to leave.

You don't have
the old fella upstairs

dressed as a clown, do you?

How dare you.

No disrespect, Mrs.
Jackson, but we do have

a lot of people
trying to prank us.

Just because we're
paranormal investigators

doesn't mean we're gullible.

Look Mrs. Jackson, I can
understand that you are

very upset right now,
especially after losing your...

Dinner?

Is this another one of your
tricks?

I assure you, this has
nothing to do with us.

Let's go and have a look.

Are you sure you
didn't switch it on?

Quite sure.

It hasn't been
used in two years.

An electrical fault, perhaps?

Unlikely.

It's not even plugged in.

What are things you listen to

when you're trying out a
drummer?

♪ Fury ♪

Fury and power.

What about the religious
aspect to your music?

What about it?

Well thinking
about the drummer,

doesn't he have to be a
Catholic or something?

He's gotta be Christian.

Church of England, preferably.

You see, we're under no
illusions here.

There aren't that many thrash
metal drummers out there

who are devout Christians.

As long as he lives his
life according to the word,

and more importantly, believes
in God.

And Jesus.

So basically, the whole band

is a load of devout Christians?

Oh, you know,
Gus is a Christian.

But me and Sneege here are the
main influences in the band.

Cliff was to an extent,
but as we all know,

he met God a little bit
sooner than he anticipated it.

So, will you be asking this
drummer if he's a Christian?

No, man.

You kind of get a
feeling for these things.

Plus his t-shirt has got
a picture of a nun on it.

Listening to some
of your songs,

some of the lyrics are
a little bit explicit.

How does that fit in with
your religious values?

You find me a Bible, and
then find me a scripture

where it says thou
shall not say twat.

Or shit.

See, the words and the lyrics

are used to emphasize the song,

not used to offend people.

Can I read out
some of your lyrics?

Do it.

Do it.

Okay, right.

This one's from The Great Arc,

which I presume is about Noah.

Right.

"So God said 'Flood the
motherfucker

"'and let's start again.

"'Wash away the
sins of evil men.'"

Cool, yeah?

And this one's from
Abraham Death Kick.

"His sandal caused a
scandal in the Middle East.

"He had the balls of camel,
and the cock of beast."

And then

"He was the beard to be
feared in all of Israel.

"Roundhouse that motherfucker
and pull out his entrails."

See, you don't have to
be singing about Satan

to sound as heavy as shit.

Or romance and global warming.

- Like, The Villagers.
- Wankers.

Ah, they're your
rival band, aren't they?

Oh, they're shite.

Hipster wankers.

This drummer's
pretty good, actually.

Yeah, he's tight.

I think we found
our man, Sneege.

Yeah.

The guy sounds nails.

Listen, that's enough mate.

Was that okay?

It was great.

I mean, you're in.

Ah sweet, cool, thank you.

Yeah, I mean, we're here again
tomorrow.

Do you think you can make it
down?

Yeah, no problem.

Welcome to the Fist,
my brother.

Keep it safe.

- Excellent.
- Thank you.

Are you gonna ring
him or shall I?

You can if you want.

Can you drum?

Nope.

There's been
another body found.

In the back of our van?

No.

Some dude's head in a microwave.

What are you thinking, chief.

I think we can rule out
suicide, Moss.

So when was the
last time you saw

your husband, Mrs. Jackson?

About two days ago
when he left.

He just left, did he?

Yes, he did.

I hope you're not suggesting I
had anything to do with this.

No, no, not at all.

It's just a bit strange
he left two days ago

and suddenly he pops
up as a microwave meal.

Listen to me.

I believe that there is genuine
supernatural activity here.

Yes, of course.

A ghost.

Crime solved, Detective Moss.

It was a phantom headed
microwaver.

Look.

I don't believe in this
nonsense any more than you do.

I just want you to find
who killed my husband.

Oh, we will.

We will.

Gotta find the rest of the
body first.

Could you please show
a bit of sympathy?

It's on a plate.

What about the clown?

Mustn't forget the clown.

We're not likely to expect
to find a clown upstairs,

but we will need to search the
place over.

I hope you don't mind,
Mrs. Jackson.

Yes, whatever.

I think we're done here, Mary.

Yes, dear.

Let's go.

Don't leave town.

We weren't going to.

Good.

Don't.

We weren't going to.

Well, if you was
thinking about it, don't.

We weren't.

Good.

Good bye, Mrs. Jackson.

We are so sorry for your loss.

Can you smell burning?

Burnt matches smell?

Yeah, a bit.

That must be the telly.

You're good, you are.

Hey, look.

So much for spirit hunters
international team.

Full of shit, all the
rest of them.

You think Miss Jackson did it?

I don't know.

That's two deaths in one day.

We don't do deaths in this town.

Well, not deaths
like this anyway.

How about the Dutch lady?

You think that was murder?

She was nuts.

Forensics found a pie in the
kitchen,

made from her pet cats.

She'd been eating it.

Poor cats.

What's that?

That is a large plastic
flower, Moss.

Similar to the plastic
flower used by clowns

to create a moment of hilarity.

Clue?

Another clue that Mrs. Jackson

is as mad as a phone box, yes.

We are Messiah Fist.

We're here to see the
head in the microwave.

Okay, Mrs. Jackson.

We will leave you
in peace for now.

However we will need you for
further questioning very soon.

Yes.

Please, let me know if you find
anything.

I want justice for
my husband's killer.

Good day, madam.

Oi!

It's the twat.

Shouldn't you be
at a vegan party?

Up yours, Fist.

Shouldn't you be at
church praying to Jesus?

Hey Tarquin, I think
the ends of your mustache

aren't quite curly.

Screw you, Villager boy.

Screw you, Fist.

You been talking to Maurice
again?

No.

Yes you have.

He told me.

Well I spoke to him briefly.

Well don't.

You wouldn't be happy if I spoke
to Sam.

But you have
spoken to Sam.

I spoke to him once at
Christmas,

to wish him a happy Christmas.

If it wasn't for me, you
wouldn't even know Maurice.

Maurice would have
found me eventually, dad.

But he didn't, because
I provided him for you.

You're not a pimp for
the spirit world, Dad.

Whatever button I touch,
it never comes on properly.

I'm really fed up.

Alon!

It's Ah-lahn, you prick.

I like Quinoa, to be honest.

Not Lon Del Rey.

- He's a massive grime artist.
- Boys, the real deal.

- Oh thank you mate.
- Oh whoa.

No currants?

None in this bar, I'm afraid.

I need my seed.

Where do I get the rest
of the seed from, gents?

Let's have a go at this.

Is this uh, is this organic, is
that?

Definitely.

- 100% organic.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- A lot, man.
- Aren't you vegan?

Sorry I'm late, guys.

I had a run in with the God
botherers.

Ah, Messiah Fist.

Didn't they have
their band written off

by an old lady's
mobility scooter?

Bunch of freaks.

Where's the carrots?

You remember the
brain storming session

about Hacien that we did?

- Yes, yeah.
- Two hours or so.

- Yeah.
- Essentially every subject

that we managed to bring up
during that brainstorming

session about Hacien.

But the message
we've gotta get across.

That Hacien's good.

Yeah.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Is someone gonna count us in?

Can we
change the world with this?

I don't wanna do it if it's
gonna not.

Of course it will.

Even in just a small, almost
in imperceptible manner,

I'm sure it'll change it'll
something.

I hope so.

Butterfly effect.

Are we ready?

One, two, three, four.

Can I help you?

Do you realize this
is private property?

Is it, really?

This is your house?

I'm so sorry.

But, while I'm here, can
I ask you to kindly stop

playing that sound?

You see, I'm trying to relax,

and bad pipes and
trumpets are near

the most unrelaxing
sounds in the world.

Beat it, clown.

Eh, okay.

I'm not even supposed to be
working today.

But over time is over time,

and times are so very,
very hard.

Right!

Let's see what we can make out
of these little instruments.

Do some, uh,
maybe some, you know,

look at the camera, get
involved.

You know what to do.

Can you guys try and
look a bit more evil?

Maybe some devil horns.

No way Pedro.

But it's the image.

Not our image, man.

We worship God, not Satan.

Yeah, but it's
just a cool sign.

It doesn't mean anything.

It's the sign of the devil.

Look, Anthrax, Metallica,
Iron Maiden, Megadeth, Slayer.

They all sing about Satan,
and they all do devil horns.

No one's ever conquered the
metal scene

by singing about Jesus.

Have you ever
read the Bible, mate?

Have I?

No.

It's heavy as shit, man.

There are a billion
different song themes,

and the only time
we mention Satan

is when he's getting his red
scabby ass

handed to him by Jesus.

Okay, suit yourselves.

Just be really
piss off Jesus then.

There's been more murders.

Who?

Where?

The Villagers.

Fantastic.

Morning.

This is what we call
instruments of death, Moss.

How do you think this
happened?

Oh.

I think we can assume
all of these deaths

are linked somehow.

Mrs. Jackson?

Hm.

Maybe.

I don't know.

Have you seen anything
like this before?

No.

But we need to
piece this together.

It's a small town.

And a few secrets.

I wonder who's gonna be next.

Who's to say?

Whoever it is,
it needs to end today.

Well, my money's on
Miss Jackson.

Hm.

I think it may be killers
we're looking for.

More than one?

Yeah.

Who are the Villagers natural
enemy?

Who's been 'round
every crime scene?

You don't think.

Arrest the Fist.

The temperature changed
quite dramatically

in the kitchen.

Although, that could
have been due to the

portable heater I
saw in the lounge.

They often create small
pockets of hot air.

I had a similar reading, too.

EMF readings in the kitchen
were quite high also.

Hm.

Kitchens are appliance heavy,
though.

We shouldn't read
too much into it.

I think I found something.

Okay.

Let's have a listen.

We want justice.

Don't worry, Jesus boys.

You will.

Yes.

We'll see how many
bodies we find

whilst you're locked
up in this cage.

It's against our rights, man.

We've got nothing
to do with this.

Save it for the judge, hippie.

God is our judge.

Well now you've got two,
and this one actually exists.

Don't get going anywhere now.

Wankers.

Okay.

This is Steve Smith reporting
for Cult of Fury Magazine.

I'm in a small town called Stoke
on Trent.

There seems to be a killer on
the loose.

As it stands now, the death
toll's a whopping nine.

As you can see, I'm in
the very place where

the multiple murders took place.

You can still hear the
echos and the screams

and the smell of
death in the air.

As you can see, the
bodies have been removed

and are now being examined.

But the aura of
terror still looms

in this house of horror.

This is Steve Smith reporting

for Cult of Fury and
the rest of the world.

Yah!

How was that?

- Yeah, yeah good.
- Yeah?

Cool.

- How'd I look?
- Dreadful.

Great.

Oh man.

This could be the making of me.

My brother Keith almost
made is name in this town.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

We gotta keep our
fingers on the pulse.

Let's look around and see
what else we can find.

- Come on.
- Yeah.

Whoa.

Check this out.

What's that?

I don't know, it's like
a camera or something.

Oh my.

Oh my god.

Right.

Make it good, make it quick.

We think we've found
a clue for the murders.

Do you think this is
Scooby Doo or somet'?

Right.

What have you got?

Dan.

Okay, stop.

Well Detective Moss, seems
our short search is over.

No point looking anymore.

The Scooby Doo gang
have recorded laughing.

This was actually recorded
at the Jackson house.

The one with the dead husband.

We just thought that the...

The, the, that it was a ghost?

No, no, no.

That it would help with the
investigation.

It was recorded at
the scene of the crime

whilst only ourselves and
Mrs. Jackson were there.

Look, I'm a skeptic
when it comes to ghosts.

But I thought that you, as
professionals in your field,

would be able to
tell us what it was.

Well it wasn't a ghost.

I never said it was a ghost.

Well I'm tellin' ya,
it wasn't.

- I never said it was.
- Good because...

Don't start that
again you two.

Right, this is all
you've got is it?

Yes.

Well if you wouldn't
mind leaving us in peace

so me and Moss here can
concentrate on reality...

Could you not just look
into the possibility then?

Possibility of what?

Ghosts?

If you wanna label
it that way.

We prefer to call it energy.

And in this case, it's a
negative one.

Well.

A laughing sound in a
house which was probably

picked up from a radio somewhere

doesn't make for
negative energy,

or evidence of a killer ghost.

So get in your Scooby
Doo van and piss off.

We are not homosexuals.

Why are we
coming back here?

'Cause we haven't solved
the puzzle yet, Moss.

Oi!

Yep.

No wood worn here.

Best go to the next house.

We've seen you before,
dickhead.

Wait!

I can explain.

You can explain
down at the station!

No, no, listen, you
need to see something.

You need to shut it up.

You're under arrest.

The Villagers camcorder.

I found it.

They were recording
when he came in.

When who came in?

Look, have a look.

♪ Jesus ♪

♪ Jesus ♪

♪ Jesus ♪

♪ Jesus ♪

♪ Jesus ♪

Fist, you're being released.

You've got soul, brother.

Aye!

Come here!

Got it, oh yes, yes.

One-nil, son.

Hm, shame they lose two-one.

What have I told you?

All spirit guides turned
off when the footy's on.

Well you should have thought
about

that last week while I
was watching the tellies.

Maurice, talk to me.

Why should I?

Why?

Why?

No.

No, why?

Why should I talk to you?

Why?

Why?

I knew that'd happen.

Maurice.

Will you keep out of this,
please?

I know what shot I'm going for.

Maurice, will you
shut your face?

- Good old dad.
- Sam will help me.

- As always, son.
- As usual.

- Hm.
- Oh.

Didn't help you
on that thought, did he?

He let me down, didn't he?

Ugh.

Oh, you're on fire, son.

You're on fire.

Oh, I knew that I'd miss.

Thanks, son.

Ya cheating bastard.

No, no!

I will not.

I will not, I'm staying!

I'm staying here!

No!

No one can move me!

No one!

Stan.

What have I told
you about getting

possessed in the kitchen,
for goodness sake.

He's not possessed,
he's pissed.

Me and Detective Moss
have provided you

with this location.

It's adjacent to the
scene of the murders.

Any talk of ghosts or goblins
will be of no interest to us.

And we certainly won't
be running off scared

when one of you girls
decides to throw

a stone across the room.

Do I make myself clear?

Crystal.

You must just be
a little bit curious.

This isn't a TV show,
you know.

You're not gonna contact
the dead and solve a murder.

Why would we contact the dead?

'Cause that's
what you're doing.

No we're not.

Yes you are.

Gypsy Rosetta is
going to contact

the energies, if that's
what you mean.

Like I said, dead people.

No, no.

The human body is
made up of energy.

When the body dies, the
energy can't die with it.

So if talking to stiffs
in one of your hobbies,

it certainly isn't one of mine.

Well next time I get
one, I'll give you a call.

Oh.

Is that an offer, Sergeant Moss?

Pack it in, you two.

Let's get this done with.

Gypsy Rosetta.

Is that your real name or one
of those blackpool fun things?

It's my name, young man.

Okay.

What you need us to do?

First of all, we need
to link hands in a circle

to protect ourselves from
harmful spirits.

Can you complete the circle,
please?

Whether you believe or not.

It won't do you any
harm to play along.

Dear God, look after us,

guide us, protect us.

Send down your protective light.

Okay.

I need you to keep the circle

and I'm going to go and
walk around the house.

I can sense there
is a presence here

and I need to locate it.

I think it wants me to find it.

Do you want any of to join
you, dear?

No thank you.

I work alone.

Do you smell that?

Sorry?

It doesn't smell like a fart.

It smells like bacon.

It happens when I get nervous.

Nervous?

I thought you were
a ghost hunter.

Doesn't mean I don't get
scared though.

So what do you do it for then?

I need evidence.

My mum died two years ago

and I need to know
if we carry on.

It's probably the stench
from yours that killed her.

Put a plug in it.

You smell like a burger van.

Oh.

Whoever's there,

do you wish to
communicate with me?

Hello, gorgeous.

Have you ever seen a clown
light his fart before?

Do you know what
a funny thing is?

We already know what
the killer looks like.

Well can't you
just arrest him then?

It's not as simple as that.

On the footage we have, the
killer is dressed as a clown.

I told ya.

No, you said you saw a
clown on the television.

He actually said he came up
behind him.

Well, I hope I get
the same result

next time I watch Baywatch.

Well, I saw what I saw.

What, can't own
your own telly?

Shut up.

Did you hear that?

Here we go.

Ooh, it must be
the clown ghost.

Told ya.

I'm joking,
you toe-headed idiot.

Go.

♪ Our Father ♪

♪ Who art in heaven ♪

♪ Hallowed be thy name ♪

♪ Lead us not into temptation ♪

♪ For thine is the kingdom ♪

♪ And the power ♪

♪ The glory ♪

♪ Amen ♪

Well I see it more as us
gaining a son

rather than losing a daughter.

Well it's about time,
if you ask me.

When I was her age, I'd
been married for six years

and got two children.

Well perhaps she
needed some time

to choose the right
person to get married to.

Something you should
have probably done

considering I'm your
third husband.

Third time lucky.

For whom?

Oi!

Who the bloody hell are you?

Marge!

How did you get in here?

Where's my wife?

That's three questions.

Right.

First question.

Crispy.

That's my name, that is.

Eh, question number two.

I got here through a great,
big magical puff of smoke.

Eh, question number three.

Oh yeah, that's it.

Where's the missus?

She's on the toilet.

Actually
she's in the toilet.

She had way too much makeup on.

More than me.

She just needed a good wash.

No!

What have you done?

That's four questions.

You only get three.

I'm gonna call the police.

Oh, you wait one minute for
your time.

It's my turn to ask the bloody
questions.

We're going to have a
game of mister and missus.

I'll ask you three questions.

If you get them right, I'll
leave you in peace, I will,

to fish the masters out to the
yull bend.

If you get them wrong, you get
the fish.

What?

Well, actually
the fish win you.

Depends which way
you look at it, really.

Oh.

Scottish piranhas.

Vicious little buggers.

I'm supposed to feed
'em six times a day.

I haven't fed 'em for weeks.

They must be starvin'.

No, no, please.

Please let me go.

Question number one.

What color lipstick was
your dear sweet darling wife

wearing this evening?

No, brown, brown.

Uh oh, no.

Gonna have to take the first
one on that one, sorry.

Question number two, what was
the name

of your dear sweet darling
princess wife's second husband?

I like that question.

It's one of those how well
do you listen questions.

It's very important to listen.

I don't know.

Question number three,
the final question.

The main one.

Apart from swordfish, what
is your wife's favorite food?

Lasagna.

Lasagna.

Well done.

That is absolutely brilliant.

Now please,
get out of my house.

Aren't you forgetting
something?

But I got it right.

And the others, very wrong.

This song is about
Joseph and his sinful

suspicious of the virgin birth.

And um, what's it called?

God Jizz.

♪ It wasn't his ♪

♪ It was God's jizz ♪

♪ It come from above ♪

♪ Flew up like a dove ♪

♪ Virgin birth ♪

♪ From his holy girth ♪

♪ Opened up his fly and
then out it poured ♪

♪ She got knocked up
by the Holy Lord ♪

♪ But wasn't happy
with mortal man ♪

♪ She got boned by
God in Bethlehem ♪

♪ And this is his baby ♪

♪ What do you mean ♪

♪ 'Cause Joseph's
sack his full ♪

♪ And his cock is clean ♪

Great song, guys.

But uh, I mean, couldn't
you use what's going on

in this town to your advantage?

A charity single?

No, not a charity single.

I mean, you know, try
and catch the killer.

We can make a name for
yourselves.

We intend on it, dude.

We'll catch the clown.

Okay.

So, what are you waiting for?

We are the Fist.

The Fist comes first.

The music maketh the Fist.

No music, no Fist.

No Fist, no catchy clown, amigo.

There's been two more.

What?

You think this one's
related to the others?

You know what?

I think it just might be.

He's been eaten by piranhas
and his missus is in the bog.

Another time, another
place, we could consider

this to be a one off.

The clown?

Yeah, but how?

The police have
issued wanted posters

and set up an appeal.

Come up with nothin',
not even a fingerprint.

All we've got is
this clown footage.

Oh, dad?

What's happened to you?

Is he?

I'm afraid so.

Oh, Dad.

Who's done this to you?

He died peacefully.

Don't worry, we'll get
whoever's responsible for this

and make 'em pay.

I can't believe it.

I'm getting married next week.

He was going to be
walking me down the aisle.

Well.

I'm not a surgeon, but
I don't think that's

gonna be happening
any time soon.

Do you know what?

It's amazing how long these
things survive out of water.

Look at the teeth on it.

That'll give someone a
nasty bite, that will.

For what it's worth, he
probably didn't feel a thing.

Where's my mother?

I want to see my mother.

Was she going to
the wedding, too?

Yes.

Ah.

She was dying to
get in the bag.

Tall humor.

Who's that dickhead?

The Fist are here
to protect and serve.

Isn't that the police's job?

No.

Okay great, thanks.

We just wanna serve our
community.

You know, not just with the
amazing music that we provide.

This is our town,
with our people.

And this shit has to stop.

And what are you planning
on doing with the murderer?

We're gonna rip his balls off.

Look at 'em all.

So desperate for a story.

It's like a circus, mate.

That should be me.

I was there first.

Look at them.

Vultures.

We need to step this
shit up a bit man.

I wanna go down in history.

What do you mean?

I'm gonna catch that killer.

So you've been involved
with this from the start?

Yes, dear.

When we got your call,
we just knew

we had to visit,
if only just to warn you.

You are a respected clairvoyant

and I very much admire
your work in your field

but what we have witnessed
over the last few days

is something of great
power and evil.

I hear the laughing.

I've tried to communicate with
the spirit,

but the power is beyond me.

That's why I called yourselves.

There is little we can do
on the investigation side now.

It is far too dangerous.

There are dark forces at work.

I know.

Perhaps you could watch over me

and record me with
your equipment

while I try to make
contact with the spirit.

As long as we stay
together in this room,

we will be fine.

I think this is a bad idea.

Dan?

Let's just do it.

And these are lyrics
from The Great Flood.

"So God said let's flood this
motherfucker

"and let's start again.

"Destroy the vile cities
and the evil man..."

Oi, I've got a plan.

We need to talk.

What's going on?

As long as our circle remains
strong, he cannot harm us.

No matter how powerful he is.

Shall I take notes and
do a base check, Mary?

It's gone beyond
that now, Dan.

As much as I like to
sit on the fence

for these kind of things, I
think we've all seen enough now

to not rule out genuine
paranormal activity.

Shall we start?

I must ask for complete
silence while I attempt

to contact the spirit.

Evil spirit of the underworld,
in the name of light

and the pure, and in the
name of God,

I command you to remove yourself

from this earthly realm.

I can't do this.

The energy will kill me.

Then don't.

We've all seen enough death.

There's only one person
that can control this spirit.

You don't mean...

It has to be.

Then so be it.

May, contact Alon Baptiste.

He's here.

Don't worry about your
bike, it's quite safe here.

So you must be Alon?

It's a pleasure to meet you.

Can you please Hoover up?

I'll wait here.

Um, okay give me a moment.

Are you sure you don't
want to come inside?

Are you deaf?

♪ The scene of the cr... ♪

Or the scene
where the Village idiots

got what their music
truly deserved.

Shh, shh, shut up.

That crazy clown bastard
could be anywhere.

Let's do what we
came here to do.

Mr. Baptiste.

It's an honor.

Hm.

And you are?

I'm Mary, head of Spirit
Hunters International Team.

Spirit Hunters
International, aye?

How dramatic.

Make me a cup of tea.

Two sugars, lots of milk,
clean cup and saucer.

Um, okay.

Anyone else?

What about you big boy?

What do you do?

What's your role in this outfit?

I'm an investigator.

And what is it that you
investigate?

The paranormal.

You.

I am an investigator with
a scientific background

and I have a long history
of exposing charlatans

in the spiritualism community.

Is that right, mighty?

You must be dead clever.

I am, actually.

So, uh Mr. Baptiste,
do you understand

the basics of what's
been going on?

Call me Alon.

Of course I know.

I can't be called out for
any old ghost hunt, you know?

I do me own work.

This seemed quite juicy.

Maybe even a challenge.

Juicy?

I wouldn't call
multiple murders juicy.

Well it depends
which side of the fence

you're on, my child prodigy.

For somebody in my line of work,

or a florist, or a crematorium,
or a funeral director,

it's very juicy indeed.

So if another opinion pops in
your head,

do us all a favor
and shut your gob.

- Tea.
- Oh, my tea.

Oh, I'm not drinking that piss.

- Are you the lady of the house?
- Yes, Mr. Baptiste.

Am I right in saying that
you've tried to make contact?

Yes.

That's dangerous.

You have a child like energy,
Mrs...?

- Steph.
- Steph.

You have a weak psychic energy,

and you should not be
attempting to tackle a force

that's capable of killing ya.

I must ask you not to
attempt such stupidity

during my visit.

Not unless you wanna
perform one of your readings

on the inside of an urn.

Okay, Alon.

How do we
know that you are going

to be able to tackle this?

Well soon that
will become clear.

I'm no charlatan or faker.

I am Alon Baptiste,
undertaker of spirits

and destroyer of demons.

I'll need water and towels,

clean surfaces, plenty
of rich tea biscuits.

And I demand absolute silence

in my attempts at communication.

Well look at you.

All by your lonesome with
nobody out here to catch me.

Looks like I've got
a right easy kill.

How lucky am I?

Oi!

Clown boy.

Clown boy?

That is brilliant.

Why don't you pick on
someone your own size?

I think I've been rambled.

I better do one.

You'll wanna clean that up.

Health and safety.

Toodles.

Dave!

We forgot Dave!

Well why didn't he follow us?

He won't unless
you tell him to.

He's like a Labrador.

Come on, let's go!

Wait there.

Oi!

Put him down, clown.

Down clown?

Good.

But no.

So what do you
make of this guy, huh?

Let's see what we
can make of him.

So what do you think?

A ghost?

A bloody rabbit?

A flamingo?

A duck billed platypus?

I'm no balloon expert,
but it's not bad

for a first attempt, aye?

You might wanna cover your ears.

Ooh.

Oops.

Ah.

This would make a
really cool album cover.

Shit yeah.

Okay, who is this
coming through, Maurice?

Talk to me, Maurice.

Who's Maurice?

It's his spirit guide.

I'm gonna let him in, Maurice.

Don't be chalice.

Work is work.

You can enter me later.

Who's that, Maurice?

That's not the evil spirit.

Who's that?

Okay.

You, investigator person.

Write all this down.

Question the spirit
as he enters me.

Stay with me.

Who is there?

Who wishes to speak with me?

My name is Mary.

I need to ask you some
questions.

Why?

There is an evil presence in
this house

and we need to banish it.

I am aware of him.

He has the ability to cross
over into the physical form.

Is he there now?

No.

He travels around.

He rests until his energy
and powers increase.

And then he walks
through these walls.

He is evil.

How long has be been with you?

He's not with me.

He is new in our realm.

He belongs in the pits of
hell, but he has returned.

He's a vengeful spirit.

Yet he is happy.

He takes pleasure in killing.

It pleases him.

I must leave now.

What a swizz.

Oh shut your face.

He said he's not here now,

but he takes
pleasure in killing.

I thought as much.

But he will return, and
we must be prepared.

Oi!

Get a job you hippie!

Who in the hell goes
to circuses these days?

I bet a clown would
come from there.

Maybe we should
pay him a visit.

Right, we'll try that again,
shall we?

He's not gonna fall for that.

How do you know?

We're not open.

Does it look like we've
come to see the circus?

Go and get your boss, slap head.

Who's asking?

Detective Pope.

Moss.

There's two coppers to see ya.

Send them in.

All right.

Hi gents.

What can I do for ya?

Detective Pope, Detective
Moss.

We're just wondering if you
could

help us with our inquiries.

Ooh that sounds exciting.

Like what?

Well I'm sure you've
heard about the murders

going on around here.

I have.

Terrible stuff.

But what's this got to
with me and me carnival?

How many clowns you got
working here, Mr. Elliot?

Three clowns.

Can we see them?

Certainly.

Come along on our opening night.

You can bring the kids.

Uh, we wanna see them now.

Or the only opening
you'll be attending

will be on D-wing.

Fair enough.

Get the clowns.

Okay.

So, am I right in saying
my clowns are suspects

in this murder case?

Who said anything
about murder?

Him.

My clowns.

They're not clowns.

Did you expect them to
be dressed up all the time?

Makeup's not in
the gene, you know.

They're not a race of people.

Can they go now?

Yes.

Will that be all, lads?

No, I wanna show you
something.

Ooh, not a porn I hope.

It's footage.

Of the killer.

Nasty, huh?

Look familiar?

When was this filmed?

Tuesday.

God help us.

What?

Crispy.

What's a Crispy?

Do you lads believe in ghosts?

Oh, here we go again.

Answer the question.

Say that we do.

What do you know?

About 10 years ago,
there was a spate

of murders up in Bradford.

Horrible, gruesome murders.

We had a carnival
up there at the time.

We even had to cancel some
of the shows it was so bad.

There was a massive
police search in the area,

and in the country.

But they couldn't find him.

In the end, we decided
to up sticks and leave.

No one wanted to watch
a traveling carnival

while their folks were
getting slaughtered.

Is there a shorter
version to this?

Before we left,
we took on a clown.

He traveled with us.

We found him to be the killer
after he killed a juggler.

A few of the carnival
folk took justice

into their own hands.

They dug a pit and
they burned him.

Burned him alive.

Too much of a pleasant
death if you ask me.

That was the last time
the carnival was in town.

This sounds like a
murder confession to me.

It sounds like nothing
of the sort.

No one was ever
charged at the time.

Not enough evidence.

No sympathy.

Well, I hate to spoil your
story, but,

how does this apply to the
killings going on around here?

Am I right in saying
that you believe

that the spirit of
this clown has

come back for his vengeance?

That's exactly
what I'm saying.

We should never have
come back to this place.

If that's true,
how can we stop it?

As he died, he cursed
us, and all around us.

If you believe in curses
or not, that's up to you.

All I know, is the fellow
in that video is him.

The gypsy lady used to
tell us if we dug his bones

we could banish his spirit
with a spell reversal

or something like that.

Of course it wasn't
an issue then.

Either way, it'd be more
effective than

whatever it is you're doing now.

Where is he now?

I don't know.

Obviously.

There's another
man who will know.

He was involved in
bringing him to justice.

Wallpaper?

No.

Wheel.

Where?

Water.

- You got it man.
- Yes.

Okay, uh, I spy with my little
eye...

Will you guys turn it in?

You're driving me up the wall.

It don't look like
he's gonna come, does it?

Fucking hell.

I don't know
what's going on man.

He should be here by now.

I know.

And it's so lifelike as well.

Hello again, boys.

We are Messiah Fist.

Prepare to get fisted.

Oh.

Sorry lads.

I'm already spoken for,
I'm afraid.

I'm very flattered.

Let's do it.

Let's show this clown
twat whose town it is.

Give me one minute, please.

♪ Feel the Fist ♪

That was amazing.

So you realize how
famous we're gonna be?

Fame is a shit
TV show from the 80s.

We want nothing to do with it.

God's direction is the only
thing that matters to us.

Yeah, but what if that
direction's fame?

Then so be it.

Shouldn't we call the police?

Yes.

Tell 'em that the Fist has
got a surprise for 'em.

Talk to me, Maurice.

What do you mean?

Who's chopped whose head off?

Can I get you anything, Alon?

Can you not see
I've come in here for

some peace and quiet?

Bloody hell.

Sorry Maurice, you were saying?

That doesn't make any sense.

What about the clown?

You're not talking English,
Maurice.

As usual.

Lunch break.

I'll see you in an hour.

You are welcome to eat
with us if you'd like.

You're very kind, my
dear, but I must eat alone.

I despise the sounds
of others eating.

Grates on me soul.

We do have table manners,
you know.

Do ya?

I'd have to dispute that.

I saw that big fella
eating an apple earlier.

A human being should not look
like a hippo with lock jaw

while eating fruit.

I'll see you in an hour.

Go and get me an umbrella
it's pissing it down.

I can't believe you're
getting sucked into this.

Well Moss, not a minute.

That's all we got, isn't it?

Where are you leading me,
Maurice?

Talk to me, Maurice.

You up, Maurice?

What do you mean?

Okay, I'll tell them.

Nice umbrella, dickhead.

Listen mate,
this is a crime scene.

Why don't you take your
turtle neck and sod off?

A crime scene?

How exciting.

What happened?

A vigilante killing.

Really?

And are you the police?

We are Messiah Fist.

Messiah Fist?

You're not from
around these parts, are ya?

Tragically, no.

So you got the body in the
house, have ya?

Yeah.

Not that it's anything
to do with you.

Maybe you wanna
go have a look?

Double check?

Might've gone.

- Impossible.
- Stop trying to trick us.

I'm not trying to trick you,
dear boy.

I'm merely suggesting
that you go

and check the body's still
there.

My polite deliverings are
getting us nowhere as per usual.

Sinking down to this level
of childlike interchange

is making me skin chafe.

Aye?

Listen, here's the thing.

You think you've got the
body inside, but you haven't.

If you'd have kept tabs on
it instead of parading around

like peacocks outside,
you'd know.

Oh.

We know what you're doing.

It's not gonna work.

This is our scoop.

Scoop?

You might well have a
scoop, my blonde bombshell.

But not here, not today.

Why are you still here?

Not to engage in
intelligent conversation,

that's for certain.

I'm waiting for the police.

- I assume you've called them?
- Yes.

I've got some
advice to give them

on how to deal with this entity.

You can deal with it by
throwing its head in the bin.

It's D-E-D.

Dead.

Ah, the police.

Finally, some common sense.

Who are you?

We don't want any Avon, thanks.

My hopes weren't high.

Alon Baptiste.

And you pair would be
very wise to listen to me,

and listen carefully.

How about you get lost?

Yeah, piss off fruits.

I see the primitive
IQs on display

force me out of the debate.

I shall wait here until
you find there's no body,

then you'll listen.

Weirdo.

Good Lord.

You truly are guardians
of the universe.

More than what you are, mate.

What even are you?

Some would call me a
clairvoyant.

- Others a twat.
- Or a ponce.

Listen mate, people
like you are full of shit.

Give up.

Is that right?

Well if I want to take advice
from a man

who nightly masturbates
while thinking about

the church flower lady,
then I'll ask.

And if I want to take
advice from a man

who stinks so bad he
covers up the smell

with magic tree air fresheners,

and he was touching
cloth about an hour ago,

but now he's gone beyond
touching

and into a full on relationship,
then I'll bloody ask.

Magic tree?

Yes.

And might I suggest
a magic forest.

We should do you for
wasting police time.

- What?
- Surprise, surprise.

No body.

Go show him, Gus.

Yes!

Time to get out
of this shit hole.

Ooh.

There's not even any blood.

Listen.

We chopped his head off.

We killed it.

I believe ya.

We need to find another way.

You don't believe in
these bollocks, do ya?

Well, his explanation makes
more sense than the last one.

Or the one we didn't have
before.

If you're going
to kill this entity,

you will need my services.

You'll not do it without me.

Services?

I'm Alon Baptiste.

I hunt spirits.

You know what?

There's so many fakers,
you probably fill

their heads full of shit,
don't ya?

How would we know you're
genuine?

Well how would I know
that when you were 12

and your parents were at work,

you fingered the family
Yorkshire terrier?

I don't know what you're
talking about.

Can't play mind tricks
with me, so piss off.

And don't stick it
where it's not wanted.

That's exactly what
Scamp thought.

Okay, you're in.

Tell us what you need us to do.

This will be very
much a team effort.

First, we need his bones.

We'll need a crowd.

We'll need my powers
to trap him.

The reason he's here
will be the return

of the traveling carnival.

That's where it needs to happen.

Once I have him trapped in
this realm, he can be killed.

Well I think he's full of
shit.

Well the same
can be said of your

Fantastic Four boxer shorts.

Now shut your face!

Let's do it.

This can be like
a Liveaid thing.

Music against murder.

Let's go.

Mr. Murdock, I assume.

Detective Pope, and Moss.

So you dig the bones up, then
what?

You tell us.

What you're dealing
with here is very real.

And if you don't deal with
it in the correct way...

What is the correct way?

You know this entity,
otherwise you wouldn't

even be here now.

Deal with it in the correct way,

or you and the rest of
this town are dead.

Carnival should
never have returned.

Do you know the
whereabouts of the bones?

Thank you Mr. Murdock.

You have served your town well.

- Don't leave town.
- I'm not going to.

Good.

Don't.

I'm not going to.

Well, if you did
think about it, don't.

Moss!

Serious from the other ones.

Not great, they were cute
though.

You should have
stayed where you were.

What, and miss
out on all the fun?

Have you got any more pets?

I hope you burn in hell.

You do know that I'm
dead already, don't you?

Technically anyway.

And don't you think
I'd be there now?

Actually, I'll let you
in on a little secret.

Hell doesn't actually exist.

It's as if your
religion made it up.

You know, to scare people.

Anyway, what do you make
of my contraption?

Brilliant, aye?

This is a bloody shotgun

and there's the string.

It's attached to
the door, right?

And when the doorbell rings,
it triggers the shotgun.

Brilliant, aye?

I was wasted as a clown, I was.

You weren't a clown.

You're a murderer.

A murdering clown, aye?

They're all the rage
these days, you know.

You see, I'm not really an evil
person.

I just love killing the
little, tiny little people.

It's one of my vices, if I'm
being honest.

That and the two pence
machines of black pool and...

Ooh.

Please don't.

What?

I'm starving.

We're not all vegetablestipans,
you know.

Ah, that's right.

You like all animals,
apart from spiders.

I remember now.

Anyway, down the hatch.

Not bad.

But haven't you got
any tropical ones?

I'd hate to sound snobbish,

but goldfish are so tasteless
and boring.

A bit like your shirt.

Anyway, where are my manners?

Are you not hungry?

You must be famished.

I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll call you a pizza.

You're a vegetebetatathist,
yeah?

Yeah, hello?

Oh yeah.

It's Crispy.

I need to ask you
a favor on the day

of your daughter's wedding.

It's for my friend.

He's so very, very hungry.

Right, have you got a pie?

Yeah, only one.

A great big mega chicken
pork beef pizza please.

Sides?

Oh yeah.

Meat.

Um, salad?

You eat salad?

Yeah, more meat.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

Address?

Yeah, but make sure the
driver rings the doorbell,

lots and lots of times.

Yes, it's um Fly Fishing
Cottage.

By JR Hartley Street.

Ciao!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Show me mercy.

Mercy?

Let me think, hm.

Did you show me mercy?

I don't think so.

Anyway, I'll see you in
the afterlife, sunshine.

I'll be waiting.

Mustache.

Don't ring the doorbell!

Don't ring it!

There you go,
Moss.

Oh, why have
I got to dig it?

Well, I just washed me hands.

I'll fill it back in.

Fair enough.

Just here?

A little to your left.

You press the button
here, and speak clearly.

You mumble, I won't be
able to understand ya.

Is that clear?

Quite.

How I shall ever become
accustomed to such

dazzling technology
is beyond me.

But I shall do me best.

Here big boy, you can have that.

We use them all
the time, actually.

What for?

Talking to ghosts with?

- No, to each other.
- Yeah, about ghosts?

Well, what else would
we use them for?

Something useful, like
fighting crime?

Yeah well when you
find this ghostly clown

that you're all searching
for, do give us a call.

Or I could just
throw you in jail.

What for?

Making you look stupid?

I have the power.

Thank you He-Man.

Can we please get on with this?

The dirty table cloth's
beginning to grate on me.

Shall I get another one, Alon?

Okay, keep it on
with you at all times.

We'll expect him to appear
during Messiah Fist's set.

Good luck.

Yes.

Good luck.

Come on, let's get
out of here,

and kill this
motherfucking clown.

Ugh.

Quite.

Fist, Fist,
Fist, Fist, Fist, Fist,

- Fist, Fist, Fist...
- Ladies and gentlemen,

boys and girls,
it's the moment you've

all been waiting for.

On a mission from God to
make a beautiful noise,

please welcome Messiah Fist!

We have gathered
here today to rock!

This is Detective Pope.

Do you read me?

Over.

Hello?

State your name, and say over.

We've gone over
this a million times.

Over.

Over.

What is your name?

Over.

- Dan.
- Right.

The Fist is about to start.

Get the bones out.

Over.

Okay.

If Crispy appears, you are
to let me know straight away.

Over.

Is your number saved to this?

It is not a phone,
it is a walkie talkie.

All you've gotta do is press
the button and say over.

- Dick head.
- Okay.

See you later.

Bye.

♪ It wasn't his ♪

♪ It was God's jizz ♪

♪ It come from above ♪

♪ Flew up like a dove ♪

Should I take a
temperature reading, Alon?

We don't need readings
of any kind tonight.

This is a spiritual battlefield

where psychic energy's
the weapon of choice.

Who will be saying the
protection?

Alon, I think.

Can we begin, please?

Let's join hands.

Good luck, Alon.

I don't need luck.

I need silence.

I call upon the
guardians of the light.

Look after us tonight.

Take care of
everyone in the circle

and make sure that
no harm comes to us.

We call upon you today,
for if we do not succeed

in this mission, so many
people are in grave danger.

He's meant to be here by now.

Hush, be patient.

Let's hit 'em with
some Christ Roundhouse.

Talk to me Maurice.

Then look harder.

No.

I wasn't raising me voice.

I was just telling
you to look harder.

No, okay.

I didn't mean to upset ya,
I apologize.

I know it's a sensitive
time for you.

I'll make it up to you later.

Oh, if you behave.

Come on Maurice.

Back to work.

God, can we have a break?

It's bad enough
sitting here in silence

rather than listening
to you flirting

with your imagination.

My imagination?

Tell me, clever girl,
who is Clare Amond?

You were certainly
using your imagination

with her, weren't ya?

That was a one off.

You dirty cow.

I've commanded the evil
spirit to materialize.

Now we wait.

Once he shows up in this
realm, I'll trap him,

so that Cagney and Lacey out
there can track him down.

I shall bring in my special
friends

to finish the job.

You, go and get me a cup of tea.

Two sugars, and a clean
saucer this time.

Okay, Alon.

Any messages from
anyone else, Alon?

No, go get me a biscuit.

Sir?

Why are we going
on a ghost ride?

Because we've been on
everything else.

Come on.

Weirdo.

♪ The bitch ate the fruit
from the holy tree ♪

What's that?

The Vomtard.

Isn't that the name
of your son, Moss?

Yeah.

Let's go and have a look see.

What happens now then?

I don't know.

It don't go upside
down does it?

No, Moss.

Oh.

Hold on tight.

- I like it.
- It's like a kid's ride.

That's right.

No one wants to
play with the fat kid.

Right.

You're going to feel a sharp
scratch.

And possibly a temporary
moment of discomfort.

You won't feel a thing,
I promise.

This is The Fist.

We have a clown.

Okay, over.

We've gotta get off this thing.

Hello?

Who is it?

It's me, you dickhead.

The clown is here.

Start the seance.

Oh, me tummy hurts.

I feel poorly.

You
best not be sick on me.

We need to get off.

Ah.

Cross off going
to a rock concert.

Oh, yeah.

♪ Jesus ♪

♪ Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ ♪

Dan.

Contact Detective Pope.

Find out what's going on.

Okay Mary.

Hello?

Can I speak to
Detective Pope please?

Hurry up with the spell.

I think we're too
late here guys.

Come on.

Get a move on,
will you Maurice?

I've done my bit.

I'm not having a go.

I'm just asking you
to do it faster.

Maurice, all I'm say...

Will you just hang
on a second, please?

How I'm supposed to work in
this racket is beyond me.

Will you shut your faces?

Maurice, get your ass in gear
and get him trapped, now.

Ooh.

Ooh.

Well, well, well.

We meet again.

Jesus Punch, right?

With the frying pan
and crap dummies.

So how have you been?

Looking for you.

Time to feel the Fist.

Come on, lads.

You've seriously
got to reinvent all

your terminology of
this Fist emphasis.

What's wrong with it?

Well, have you ever
heard of fisting?

Yeah.

It's what we're gonna
do to you, right now.

Eh, I don't think so.

Anyway, how about I surrender?

Let's face it, you can't
exactly kill me, can you?

So why don't we go down
to the police station

and have some fun?

He's trapped.

Hi, it's Dan.

The clown is trapped.

Looks like your
time's up, clown boy.

Whatever.

Is that Jesus?

Well?

Did you get him?

No, he got away.

Couldn't have got far, though.

Where are the detectives?

Look.

So we've been
fighting the clown,

and you've been
playing on the rides?

That's not cool man.

I think we'd better
give them a minute.

Are you coming?

You as well?

And where would
you like me to go?

Uh, to kill the clown?

What you're here to do.

Eh, no.

My work enables to combat
spirits.

This being is no longer a
full spirit thanks to me.

I shall tag along for the
amusement

but I will not be ordered
around by a sweaty bin man.

Ooh.

Are you gonna be all right?

Yeah, sure.

I'm coming too.

Listen, love.

I think we've got this covered.

As you've clearly
demonstrated,

so I'm coming too.

Are you boys okay?

Where is he?

We don't know.

Alon's trying to find out.

You've not got the stomach
for the fairground then?

Got more guts than you.

As I can see.

You're wearing most of it on
your shirt.

Haha, very funny.

Where you been all night,
Thelma?

With my group.

Like I was supposed to,

rather than playing with my
boyfriend on fairground rides.

He's not me boyfriend.

Please, pack it in you two.

He's on the Ghost Train.

Why's it have to
be ghost trains?

Very, very cool.

Let's go.

No.

You two stay here.

Excuse me?

I will not be in an enclosed
space with the vomit police.

Do you know who I am?

I don't care who
yup are, big boy.

For the purpose of this
conversation,

you're a man with
vomit on is trousers.

You stay here.

Please, do as he says.

Go.

Listen guys, we've
got some clothes in bags

behind the stage.

Help yourselves.

Oh, and if you want
to go on anymore rides,

you should try the Lady Birds.

They may be more suitable.

Lady Birds?

- Like the books you read?
- Oh, very good.

Unlivable here in

this ghostly retreat.

Every room has
wall to wall creeps.

So.

We meet again.

You found me.

This time there is no escape.

Ah, Fisting Fisty boys, yeah?

And I see you've brought
your friends along also.

Avon representative?

Uh, ooh, pretty girl.

An obligatory black bloke.

Why are you not dead yet?

Shit, cracker.

You got this all wrong.

You aint got no soul,
motherfucker.

Oop, sorry.

This Avon representative
has got you

trapped in this realm.

There'll be no escaping in
a puff of smoke for you.

Ah ha.

So it was you, was it?

Of course.

And Maurice, of course.

So now it's time for you to go.

What do you choose?

I can either expel
your spirit back

to where it came from,
never to return,

or you can take your
chances with my friends.

Who'll not only destroy
ya, but destroy your soul.

Decisions, decisions.

Well.

Judging by what
I've seen so far,

I think I'll take my
chances with your sorry

looking bunch of friends here.

So be it.

- Come on boys.
- Not you.

Maurice.

Are they ready?

Okay.

Harley, Desmond, Foo-Foo,

Candy, Raphael, Lovey-Lovey,

Lulu, Fifi.

You know what to do.

Those are your names?

That is amazing.

Not these friends.

Those are the names of my
special friends.

Friends that will do
considerably more damage

- than the Jesus boys here.
- Oi!

Don't count on it.

Eh, well where are they then?

I could do with a good laugh.

They sound like a
bunch of drag queens.

Shut your face!

Although you are quite right.

Who are they, then?

What, ooh, ooh.

What, eh, what's going on?

Aye, ooh.

Who are these guys?

Ooh.

I changed me mind.

You made your choice.

I think we'll all agree
that you chose the best one.

You'll go to hell for this.

Ooh.

I'll strike from the grave!

Now that was funny.

We should write an
album about this.

We definitely should.

Thank you boys.

It'll be a great night
at the Pink Hog tonight.

Come on, let's go.

Come on, shift it.

Come on, big boy, stop gawking.

Ah, Avon.

I think we owe you an apology.

So, thank you.

It's Alon, you prick.

And that's a strange
apology, but I'll take it.

Are you okay?

Going to get some
fresh air, May.

Okay.

We should leave, too.

The Fist have got
shit to write about.

Yeah.

I'll see you all in the pit.

So, now this is all over,

do you fancy taking
me out for a drink?

- Yeah, all right.
- Good.

Call me.

So, where next
for you then, Alon?

Home.

Thank you, Alon.

You're quite welcome.

If anything like this should
occur again,

don't hesitate to contact me.

Sandra says she's
very proud of you.

And yes, she's happy
where she is,

and she'll always
be looking over you.

Sandra's me mum.

Well.

We best go and write
this up, Moss.

We did it.

We done well, though.

We did.

Do you believe in aliens, Moss?

No.

Well...

Do you mind?

Well done, son.

Thanks, dad.

Now go and fetch me a biscuit.

♪ Picketh up thy
teeth though Satan ♪

♪ Messiah gonna tell us
when to kick your face in ♪

♪ The faith of the man
tested to the brink ♪

♪ Sucker punch roundhouse
before he could blink ♪

♪ You sacrificed your
son to please the Lord ♪

♪ He tied him down and raised
his sword ♪

♪ God struck him dead
and he started to weep ♪

♪ Don't kill your son,
I'll settle for a sheep ♪

♪ Abraham ♪

♪ Death kick yeah ♪

♪ Abraham ♪

♪ Death kick yeah ♪

♪ Abraham ♪

♪ Death kick yeah ♪

♪ He had a thousand camels ♪

♪ And a beard to be feared ♪

♪ The rustle of his robe is
the last thing you heard ♪

♪ Struck up by his hand
while dressed in his fear ♪

♪ The devil turns red in
the show of his might ♪

♪ Soldiers sent spinning
and their sins take flight ♪

♪ He entered the land where
the four kings realm ♪

♪ Where the power is given
by God who needs his help ♪

♪ Man after man were
struck by his robes ♪

♪ Angels of the God as
the body count rose ♪

♪ Abraham ♪

♪ Death kick yeah ♪

♪ Abraham ♪

♪ Death kick yeah ♪

♪ Abraham ♪

♪ Death kick yeah ♪

♪ He had a thousand camels ♪

♪ And a beard to be feared ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ A sandal caused a scandal ♪

♪ A force they couldn't handle ♪

♪ With the power sent by God ♪

♪ He beat them on his todd ♪

♪ The four king army was slain ♪

♪ 'Cause they didn't
play his game ♪

♪ He defeated them
with his shoes ♪

♪ And went back to the Jews ♪

♪ Fighting, biting,
kicking, slaying ♪

♪ Killing, stabbing,
throwing murder ♪

♪ The four king army
felt the wrath ♪

♪ Of this magnificent
Jew goat herder ♪

♪ Abraham ♪

♪ Abraham ♪

♪ Abraham ♪

♪ Abraham ♪

♪ Abraham ♪

♪ Abraham ♪

♪ Abraham ♪

♪ Abraham ♪

♪ Abraham ♪

♪ Death kick yeah ♪