Criminal Act (1989) - full transcript

Two investigative reporters track down reports of giant rats in a city sewer system.

(MultiCom Jingle)

(ominous music)

- Guardian.

Hold please.


Thank you for holding.

I'll put you through.

- Good news, it stopped raining.

Well, almost.

- [Sharon] Well?

- No.

- Why not?

- Isn't it obvious?

- It's obvious you're
afraid to print this story.

- You ladies fight this out,
I have to go to the bathroom.

- Coward.

- Bellard, throwing his
weight around again.

Nice photo.

- She won't touch it.

- Not with a 10 foot pole.

- Well, I can't say I blame her.

I'm allergic to unemployment lines too.

- Just because Bellard
owns half of Old Town...

- And a sizeable chunk of
stock in this newspaper.

(woman screams)

- He openly admits he's
intimidated by Bellard.

- (mumbles), but this story is innuendo

and your photos are a guilty verdict.


- It's in there.

It's, it's awful.

- You know, you might as
well just hang a noose

over Cottonwood and drum
up an angry mob, Sharon.

(woman crying)

- This is an important story
and if you can't see that,

you've completely lost it!

Give her a cushy desk job,
she sells out to the rich.

You probably even vote Republican.

- Are you saying I can't
cover a story anymore?

- I know you can't cover a story anymore.

- You know, I don't have
to prove anything to you.

- It would mean dragging
those sagging buns of yours

out of your soft padded chair.

- I'll measure my percentage of body fat

against your cellulite any time!

- How about the lard
accumulating on your brain?

- You know, it's almost
worth taking the story

just to shut your mouth?

- I don't have to worry about that

because you don't have the guts.

- Alright.

I'll take the first story that comes up.

And let's just see if you
have the heart and stamina

to keep up.

- Right, the first story that comes up

unless you suddenly get a headache.

- No matter what!

The first story that comes up.

- This just came up.

- Sewers is freeway for rats.

The hard rains come, the sewers fill up,

the rats, they got to go someplace.

That's why this little guy
ended up in your toilet.

(laughs) These little suckers
are real good swimmers.

You girls ever see the
bowels of your building?

- What's the matter?

My story too tough for you?

- I thought this was
about rats and sewers.

- Sewers?

Would you rather be in a sewer?

- No!

- No, no, no, it's no problem
because we can go down

and requisition right now.

We can get you some hard
hats and some rain slickers

and some hip boots.

We could go sloshing around
in the big old sewer main!

(laughs) And you would
look sexy in hip boots.

- What are we accomplishing here?

- Maybe I just wanted you
lovely ladies over here

for a little adventure.


- I thought that was too weird.

- You think so?

- Hey, hey, hey.

What is this?

An old Shanghai tunnel,
I'll bet you anything.

Hold my light.


- Pam!

- What are you doing?


- Should we be doing this?

- Mr. Greengrass, I don't really think

you should be doing this.

- Oh!


- Alright, give me the flashlight.

(ominous music)

Come on, this is historic!

You want a news story or what?

Come on, come on.

- Pam, don't do it, okay?

It's not worth it.

Don't go.

You didn't even want to cover
this story in the first place.

- Mr. Greengrass!

Hold up!

- This is great!

Oh, what a real find!

Thought all these old tunnels were torn up

and urban renewized.

Hey, you comin'?

- If you want to turn back, go ahead.

I can handle this alone.

Oh, really, we'll get by without photos

if it's a problem for you.

Oh, cute.

Real cute, Sharon.


(camera clicking)

- Not too many folks know that this town

was one of the roughest,
toughest ball of Shanghai reports

on the coast.

And in the old days,
there'd be a trapdoor.

Down here (mumbles).

Pimps and crims.



- Where'd you learn to do that?

- I try to keep in shape.

- Oh no, that's Mr. Bellard!

Are you alright?

- You're Ron Bellard?

I'm sorry, I had no idea.

- What are you doing?

This guy grabbed me, he tried to hurt me!

- I was just surprised, that's all.

I just tried to keep you
from running into the dark

and hurting yourself.

- Don't you know who he is?

- One of the big shot Bellards!

- Yeah, guess you missed it.

I'm Ron, Lance's younger brother.

I just started working for the company.

I'm terribly sorry we
had to meet this way.

- What were you doing down here?

- I'll ask the questions, Sharon.

- It's okay.

It's a fair question.

Excuse me.

Just give me a sec.

It's kinda like boot camp.

Lance says if I wanna work in his company,

I gotta get to know it physically,

so he sent me down into the basements

to check out the cobwebs.

Must have taken a wrong turn somewhere.

- Thank you.

That's very nice, thanks.

- Wrong turn, right.

Oh my god.

What are you?


Where's Pam?

- Why'd you have to dare her
to go out into the field?

Now they've got me glued
to this desk all the time.

- Where is she?

- Oh, off chasing rats again, I suppose.

- Look at this.

- Looks like a giant rat.

- And this.

- A semi-huge white guy.

- No, behind him.

- Pam's down there with
giants and rat people?


You're gonna have to find somebody else

to babysit the city desk!

And get some security
guards down to the basement!

In case we need a backup!

- Backup?

- Pam?


- Pam?

- Pam, where are you?

- Hello.

- Hello.

Let me help you.

- Oh, thank you.

- What do you have here?

Lost Treasures of the West.

The Age of Expansion.

Shanghai-ing Days.

- Yes.

- Impressive.

- I realized I knew more about the history

of Rome and Greece than
I did about my own city.

- There's something I'd like to know.

- What?

- How did you develop that right hook?

- Oh, well, that's not
fair, I surprised you.

- Mommies don't teach their
little girls those moves

in the pantry.

- Well, my ex was into
kickboxing, martial arts.

So I became his sparring partner.

We sparred a little too
frequently and we broke up.

But now with this desk job,
I try to keep in shape.

- No complaints here.

About your shape.

- No, I said--

- I know what you said.

And I said you've got a great figure.

- Oh.


(ominous music)

- I've read the old stories.

I know what it was like.

Shanghai was no...

One minute you're free,
and the next you're caught

in some horrible nightmare.

They'd grab you, drag you down here,

and you'd never be seen
or heard from again!

- You're scaring me!


- I'm scaring myself.

- Pam?


- I think we're lost.

- What lives here?

- Looks like my place.


- Sideways, sideways, sideways!


There's no one there.

Where is he?

- Where are we?

- See, I don't have any
real say in the business.

Technically my job is PR.

But the way Lance operates,

I feel like a one man
sewage treatment plant.

- Are you saying that
your brother does more

than just influence politics?

- Let's not get into that now, okay?

- Would you like something more?

- No thank you.

Well, it's been a distinct
pleasure having lunch with you.

- I've enjoyed it too.

- Glad you knocked me down on my can.


Shall we?

- If we weren't lost before,
we're definitely lost now.

- Don't say that.

- Why not?

It's reality.

- What we could use now is
a little positive thinking

(mumbles) reality.

- No, it'd be a lot easier to be positive

if I was a rat person
and hungry for lunch.

I'd have two of us to choose from.

- Oh, great.

- You see, the beauty
of this is that the mix

of high rise office buildings,
shops, and restaurants

draws maximum commuter members.

- My clients appreciate your vision.

- Thank you.

- But they have their
hearts set on a mall.

- Why another mall?

- There can never be too many malls.

- That will impact other
businesses, including mine.

- [Wayne] What is it?

What did you find?

- Someone's glasses.

Looks like our rat
person already had lunch.

- Maybe.

Just maybe, we can work something out.

- One more consideration.

- What's that?

- My people are concerned
about all the undesirables

on the streets.

- That problem is being taken care of.


♫ (Mumbles) she rises, (mumbles) she rises


- Sometimes I wish I
was born 100 years ago.

Things were so much simpler.

- You see, people tend
to exaggerate the past.

It makes the present more exciting.

- Still, I mean, if we found
two connecting tunnels,

there's probably more.

- No.

That's impossible.

We just found the only two left.

See, in the old days,
there were a lot more.

They needed them to transport
the goods from the waterfront

to the store basements.

- So you're saying with
the modern construction

and underground utilities...

- Exactly.

The only scary thing down there now

is your rare punctured gas line.


- Ouch, that smarts!

- Wayne?

- Pam!

Can you see me?

I'm down here with Wayne.

- Sharon?

- Don't look up her dress.

- I can't help it, it's my
nature as a sexual animal.

- What are you two doing down there?

- What are you doing up there?

You're supposed to be down here in danger.

- Yeah, we got lost and were
almost somebody's lunch,

trying to save you.

- You've got business to attend to.

I'll be going now.

I'll call you very soon.

- Please do.

- [Wayne] How do we get out of here?

- I don't believe this.

(ominous music)

- Fellas, don't look so glum.

You're about to become
productive members of society.


(door clangs)

Creative, very creative!

That's what I call real bag men.


Load 'em up.

- Yeah, yeah, I know what you mean.

Uh huh.

Oh yeah, I know where that is, but why?



I'll be there.

- Good.

I look forward to it.



- Ron, get in here.

I'm not interested, Danny.

Did you see what he did to this building?

The man can't even design a building!


You hired him.

I don't care.

- Look, I am sick and tired--

- I don't care if you don't
like the way I do business.

- But Lance--

- Look, just do what you're paid to do!

I'm sorry, Danny, I've got
somebody else in the office.

And stay out of things
that don't concern you!

Yeah, that's right.

I want him out of here, he's fired!

- I don't believe this.

People making unilateral decisions,

running around willy nilly.

You, come back!

You're part of this.

Now if I had wanted to
send people underground,

scurrying around for rats or rat people,

I would have sent him.

- Me?

- Yeah, you.

You're my city editor.

You're married to this desk.

You get up to pee, and
I want to know about it.

- Great.

- And you, you're my photographer.

Not my alter ego who
hands out new assignments

to personnel at the Guardian.

- I didn't.

- Are these the famous
creature photographs?

- Those are the originals

and the other ones are the blow-ups.

- Oh, yes, yes, this looks
like a ratty something.

And a giant something else.

- Well, that's what I said.

A rat person and a monster.

- It was a monster, I seen him!

I seen him, it's a great big thing

that grabbed my village.

Huge, it was huge, like a
great (mumbles) raring up.

Or a rattler.

Didn't walk like no human I ever seen.

- Who the hell are you?

- I'm Apple Bob, I'm a bum.

- The only bums allowed in
here are the ones I hire.

- You know why they call me Apple Bob?

- Can you show me where
they took your friend?

- Sure.

We'll make a date?

- Alright.

- Where are you going?

- 5:00.

End of shift.

Are you coming?

- Can't, I've got something planned.

This way, Mr. Bob.

- And where are you going?

- Home.

- Home is in this chair.

You're on the city desk.

There's been a little scheduling change.

- Do I get overtime?

- Did I dock you for skipping out

and getting lost in a tunnel?



- According to the U.S.
Bureau of Labor Statistics,

over 15 billion man
hours are lost every year

to sleeping on the job.

No wonder the Japanese
are kicking our butts.

We could be producing

6 billion more Ken and Barbie dolls

and doubling our gross national product.

Are you listening to me?

- Yeah, sure.

- Yeah, sure.

Yeah, sure.

Yeah, sure.

Alright, listen up you guys!

I got some good news
and I got some bad news.

The good news is you're
getting out of this rat hole.

Meet the bad news.

- Let me see this.

Four square blocks for this?

Dream on, Lance Bellard, dream on.

(calm music)

- [Ron] You know, I didn't
just invite you here

to talk about what
happened in the tunnels.

- Really?

Why did you invite me here?

What about Pam?

- Pam I would like to have lunch with,

but you're the kind of girl
I'd like to have dinner with,

you know what I mean?

- You wanna have lunch with her

but you wanna play Bogie
and Bacall with me, right?


- It's night, see, and
me and Billy sitting here

by this here tree just passing
a bottle back and forth.

A clear blue sky, wham,
bam, thank you ma'am,

and Billy's gone.



- I thought you said you saw a monster.

- I did.

Billy's gone, see, and I
get up and I look around

and nothing off to the
south, nothing to the west,

nothing to the east.

But there to the north is Billy

with a huge monster carting him off.

- Did you see where this
monster took your friend Billy?

- How could I?

Black night.

I couldn't see my foot
in front of my face.

You know why they call me Apple Bob?


- So, what do you do?

- I'm a photographer.

I used to be a painter though,

I really wanted to be a painter.

But I figured I wouldn't make
a living until I was dead.

- Yeah.


- You alright?



- Damn!

- What, what's going on?

- Stupid little brother
got the cops involved.

- Were you able to track down Pam?


Yeah, I know where that is.




- Always end up with your hands in front.

Protect yourself at all times.

Pam, up.

- Yes sir.

- Pam, I'll let you
demonstrate the kick I just did

for the class, please.

- Pam!



- If this is about tunnels, rat people,

or giant bodysnatchers,
you can just forget it.

- Didn't you hear?

- Hear what?

- Ron and I were--

- What were you doing with Ron?

- What's with the tone of voice?

You sound like you own him or something.

- Just because I go out
to lunch with a guy,

it means you have to jump on his bod?

- Look, I didn't call him, he called me.

It's not my problem if you
had your chance and blew it.

- You just wait a minute.

- What are you gonna
do, knock me down too?

You needn't bother, I can
see how tough you are.

- Why should I knock you down?

I've kicked enough ass today.

- The only ass I see is
standing in front of me.

You'd hardly be interested
in tracking down a real clue

to a murder.

- Murder?

What murder?

(slow music)


- It's party time!

- Why didn't you give that to the police?

You could be cited for
withholding evidence.

- I didn't want to bring
it out in front of Ron.

- Oh, you didn't want to
pull it out in front of Ron

and yet you trust him enough
to have a romance with him?

- I don't recall saying
anything about romance.

And here you've got me
boffing the guy already.

Do you think that's fair?

- Okay, it was a cheap shot.

I'm sorry.

Why don't you trust him?

- It's not Ron, it's his
family I don't trust.

- Oh yeah, that story about a conspiracy.

And Mr. Moneybags wheeling
and dealing in Old Town?

- I know you don't buy
that but it was my reason.

So, what do we do now?

You don't have to pursue this story

just because of my stupid dare.

- Oh, yes I do.

Did it ever occur to you I
might be enjoying myself?

- Yeah.


- Closed.

- The door was open.

- It's not supposed to be.

- We came to identify a body.

- Somebody we knew.

- The police said on the TV

that there was an
unidentified drowning victim.

- Today?

Down at the waterfront?

- Did they bring him in here yet?

- We wanted to see if it was him.

- Our friend.

- Yes, he's been missing.

- Is this the kind of man who hangs out

on the freeway ramps?

- Yeah, that sounds like him.

- He's kind of a bum.

Bum, yes.

- (laughs) Must be a pretty lucky bum

to have two gorgeous girlfriends like you.

Until he died, that is.

Well, you don't seem
too broken up about it.

- Well...

- He cheated on us.

- Wait here.

- He cheated on us?

- Yeah, don't you remember?

He cheated on us.

- I hope we got away with this.

- Uh huh.

Uh huh.

- [Man] Okay, we're on our way.

- Good.

(ominous music)

Alright, you can come back now.

- This guy's got a lot
of personality, huh?

Sharon, come on.

- Is that him?

- Yes.


- He had wire-rimmed glasses.

Where are they?

- That's police evidence.

- A pair of glasses is evidence?

Of what?

- Thank you very much.

We'll be going, thanks.

You know, you've been so helpful.

I'm gonna give him a tip.

- You're prostitutes, aren't you?

- So where can we go
to be more comfortable?

- Why can't we just go?

- Why can't you just sit down?

Maybe you can learn something
about makeup for the dead.


What games do you like to play?

- Spectator sports.

- I mean games that you like to play.

What's this?

- Just a little something I have for you.

Who are you?

- You know who I am.

That's why we came in here.

- When I say spectator sports,

you're supposed to start to strip.

Get away from there.


- Come on, come on!

- Freeze!

Everybody keep your hands
where I can see 'em.

Stay on the floor!

- They attacked me.

- Keep your hands where I can see them.

- They broke in.

They're stealing.

Look at her hands!

- We didn't do anything.

- Shut up!

- Ow!

That's mine!

- It belongs to the dead
man, she was stealing it.

- Up against the wall.

- No, I found it!

- I told you to shut up.

- Ask him to work late and he's still here

at the crack of dawn.

What devotion to duty.

Wait a minute.

Where's Pam?

- She's been detained.

- What is wrong with her?

24 hours ago, she was my
most dependable employee.

And Sharon?

Don't tell me.

She's been detained too.

- Hey!

Hey, when do we get
breakfast around this hole?

- Pam Weiss, Sharon Fields.

- Here!

- Bail's raised.

You're outta here.

- Ron?

- Ron!

You bailed us out.

- This was one of those
times the family name

wasn't a liability.

You know, that coroner didn't
want to forget that shot

you gave him.


You often deck two men in one day?

- Or more.

- He also said something about your trying

to steal some eyeglasses.

- We might as well tell him everything.

- I'd like to think you trust me.

(ominous music)

So you found the lens in there.

- Yeah, as far in as I could reach.

- So it was either put there or...

- Where does this lead?

- You're asking me?

This is virgin territory for this kid.

- I found the lens, so
I guess I'm elected.

- Do you think I'd let you
put your body on the line

when mine's available?

- You two have been through enough.

I'll go in.

I have the reputation of
my gender to uphold here.

- Bravery or stupidity?


I guess that answers the question.

- Or else I'm afraid of
being left alone in the dark.

- Be careful!

- Well, he's not stupid.

Certainly knows how to
pluck your emotions.

- What do you see in there?

- [Ron] This is interesting.

There's access to a sewer out here.

- Why is that interesting?

- [Ron] If a man enters the
access at the wrong time,

he could be swept anywhere.

- Maybe you should come back.

- [Ron] I'll just be a minute.

I want to check this out.

- If you can't hold up your end,

my clients will just have to...

make adjustments.

- Damn it.

(phone ringing)


Yes, I want to see my little brother!

- What do we do now?

- Light another match.


- Oh my god.

What are you--




- Come on!

Stop it!



- Pam?

Oh, Pam.



(phone ringing)

- I think that just about covers it.

- That's it then.

- Oh, Lance, I'm so glad you could come.

- It's always a pleasure.

- I'm delighted we've
had this time to chat.

- So am I.

- We all want the same things, don't we?

- Excuse me.


Where's the editor?

Excuse me.

Are you in charge here?

- I'm the editor, if that's what you mean.

- [Ron] Have Pam and Sharon come in?

- No, and my patience is
beginning to wear thin.

Who are you?

- Ron Bellard.

- Mr. Bellard, I'm sorry,
I didn't know it was you.

- Quite alright.

- Did you know that your
brother was just here?

- No, really?


- I understand you had quite an experience

with my photographer.

I mean, it's one thing
to write about bodies,

it's another to actually find one.

- Where are they?

- Well, they were in jail
until I got them out.

- [Editor] In jail?

- Do you think they went
back to the tunnels?

- Were you the one down there with Sharon?

- You're not going anywhere, understand?

- But where are they?

- I wish I knew.

- Get back to your post.

- I need to use the phone.

- [Editor] Oh, certainly, follow me.

- Thanks.

- Where am I?

- Pam, you're awake?

Are you alright?

Oh god, it's so good
to see your eyes open.

I was afraid there was permanent
brain damage or something.

- There is gonna be permanent damage

if you keep hugging my head like that.

- I'm sorry, I'm just so
happy that you're okay.

Oh, Pam!


- Wait a minute.

Do you know who you're talking to?

This is Pam, the enemy.

- Enemy?

How can you say--

Don't ever say that.

You're my friend.

You can be so stupid sometimes.

(ominous music)

- What's going on, what
are you doing back here?

There's nobody here.

- Shh.

This is the only place we can talk.

- Listen, if you go down to
the tunnels, take me with you.

- I don't know if they're
down there or not.

You wait here, in case they call.

- Well, they can talk to Tamplin.

- Didn't you say Lance was
in there talking to him?

- Geez, that's right.

- Look, I don't want to say
your editor was involved

or anything.

- Better not take the chance.

- It's just that my brother's gone

beyond normal business
procedure if you get my drift.

You don't get the kind
of breaks he's gotten,

the kind of deals he's
made, as a lone wolf.

- What do you want me to do?

- Look.

Just sit tight.

It's 4:00.

Call you in an hour.

- Fine.

- You gotta keep walking
or it's gonna stiffen up.

- Come on, Sharon.

That's it.

We just gotta find a way out of here.

- I know what I seen.

I seen a monster, that's what I seen.

Ain't no two ways about it.

Can't tell me I ain't
seen no monster, lady.

I may be crazy, but I ain't blind.

(ominous music)

- Edith.

Where's Ron?

He didn't come back, did he?

Man can't even get competent
help from his own brother!

I hired you to build the
image of this company,

not to ruin it.

Are they down there now?

- All I know is they're
not at the Guardian.

- No police.

- Okay.

- You got that?

- Yes.

- I don't want any police crawling around

with that dead body, you know.

I don't want any close scrutiny!

Is that understood?

- I said yes.

- You find them.

You find them and you fix it.

- Gentlemen, gentlemen,

Lance Bellard has had a change of heart.

He would like to buy you all dinner

and hear your thoughts
on rampant commercialism.

The soup of the day is cream of broccoli

and I suggest the lamb curry.

So if you'll follow me, this way.

Come, come, gentlemen.

(ominous music)

- Pam.


You alright?

- Look out!


- I died and went to heaven.

- Thank god you're alright!

- Looks like he's more than alright.

- Help!


- You know, if we weren't locked up now,

if our lives weren't in danger,

I'd consider this the
highlight of my life.

Intimate company

and two of the most
brilliant, beautiful...

- Ron, you weren't just
looking for cobwebs that day,

were you?

- [Ron] What do you mean?

- I want to know what's
going on, that's what I mean.

- What?

- Now what are you trying to hide?

- [Ron] Hide?

- Yes!

- I bet it's like that story Wayne wrote

that you wouldn't print.

- What story?

- Sharon, I'm the reporter here.

I'm asking the questions, okay?

- Your brother has been
buying out cheap property

and muscling people around.

- That's right.

- See?

- It's interesting you should
use that word, muscling.

Say you were both
developers in the Old Town.

Got great ideas, great locations.

There's only one problem, bums.

They've been here for 50
years and they won't budge.

What do you do?

- Are you saying that your
brother had these people

forcibly removed?

- And killed?

- In fairness to Lance, I'm
not saying he started out

as a murderer.

He's just obsessed with the tunnel is all.

Good old days of Shanghai.

In the higher groups,
sometimes a man changes.

Becomes the company he keeps.


- Oh my god!

What are you doing?


See, I told you there's
a monster out there.

And there's a rat guy out there too.

- Look.

Taking all of you for a boat ride.

- Did I scare you?

You look at me like you
think I'm the enemy.

- I do?

- Just because I had you
work overtime one night

doesn't mean you have to hang
around all night every night.

- Oh, that's okay.

Nothing better to do.


(ominous music)



- Hors d'oeuvres?

Peekaboo, I see you.


But it's true, I can't hear
you, on account of the dead.


Songs our mothers taught us.

- You never had a mother, Slater.

- [Slater] I had a pitbull.





- You alright?

Oh my god.

Come on.

We gotta go, we gotta go!


Go, go.

Come on.

- Get them!

- Slater!

- Take my hand, you can do it.



Get the phone!

- I don't exactly think we
have time for a casual call.

- You call, I'm gonna hold 'em off.

- I don't have any money!

- Here's a quarter!

- I dropped it!

- I'll get it!


- Look out!


Who should I call?

- Still here?

(phone ringing)

- Hello?

Yeah, it's me.

- Wayne, thank god it's you.

Ron is dead.

And they're trying to kill us!

Lance is.

You've gotta stop him.

- Go to it!


- Hello?


- What happened?

Lost your connection?


- Yes?

Where have you been?



Keith, to the docks.

- Where'd everybody go?

Where'd everybody go?

(mumbles) that monster.

Next thing I knew, I turned around

and everybody had vanished.

Must have scared them bad
guys off, saved the lady.

That's what I done.

I saved the ladies.

Who told you I like apples?

(mumbles) It's good.

- Slater.

Who's this guy, what the
hell's going on here,

and where's that brother of mine?

- Hey, you don't wanna
ruin the surprise, do ya?

(door opening)

- What the hell is going on here, Slater?

- He's very efficient in
carrying out your orders.

- Thank you very much.

- What orders?

I gave no orders.

- Slater, what do you want
me to do with the women?

- Well, if you don't bring 'em down here,

they're gonna miss all the fun.

- Oh.

- What women?

- My women now.


See what I mean?

- You, you murderer!

You spineless!

- Get this women off me!

- I don't think she likes you, boss.

- Should have printed Wayne's story

and exposed you a long time ago.

- Look what you've done to my jacket.

- What's with you?

Aren't you satisfied with your millions?

You have to sell human beings
just for a few more bucks?

- Why'd you have to kill him?

- What are you talking about?

Kill who?

- The whole gang is here.

- Ron!

I thought you were...

- Haven't you heard of
fake knives and stageplay?

- That's so brilliant!

Oh, that's so great, you're just so great.

I love you.

Don't you just love him?

Oh, I mean I really love you.

- You wouldn't mind if
I kissed you right here

in front of everybody, would you?



What we have here is a lover's trial.

These two women were
both sleeping with Lance.

Jealousy, blackmail followed.

He shot them and then iced himself.

The bodies were found in the river.


- What?

- My men wanted the women.

- Afraid not, captain.

I need the bodies for credibility.

- (laughs) So that you
can take over my business,

isn't that right, little brother?

- Somebody has to, Lance.

- Now with our escape
and a timely phone call,

white knight here's gonna save the world

from the Shanghai king.

- My demise wasn't the only
exquisitely staged event.

Let's do it.

- Flanders, stop him.



You too, huh?

- I pay better, Lance.

- You rich guys are a laugh riot.

You have the bombs bust out a town

but you pay pennies, pennies!

How am I supposed to make rent?

Will you check out the
price of pizza lately?

- Slater, if it's more money that--

- Forget it!

The captain here pays by the head

and Ron gives us a cut.

- Forgotten what it's like
to be an entrepreneur,

have you, brother?

Alright, let's get on with it.

Move out!

- You're so gullible.

- She said she was in a phone
booth on the corner of Third.

- Third's an awfully long street, buddy.


- Well, where are they?

- They found a large Mercedes.

Down at the dock.

- Any last words?

(muffled protests)

What a coward you are to
shoot them in the back, Lance.

(dramatic music)


- Cops, cops here!

- Police here, you crazy?

- Let's go.

- Come on, come on, out of the car.

Where's Ron, where's Ron?


- Trust me.



They're trying to kill me!

They kidnapped some people
and they killed my brother!

- Search the ship.

- Sic 'em.


- Where are they?

Are they okay?

You're not so giant!

- We're fighting the same
war on different fronts.

- Oh, shut up!

I owe you one.


- Ow!

- Pam!

With Ron?

Well, isn't Ron supposed to be dead?

Well, what about Lance?

Let me get this tape off.

- It's Ron, not Lance.

Later, come on!


(tires squealing)



Stop it!

Stop it!


- You did it.

Without me.

(calm music)

- Well, well, look who's here.

The gorgeous ladies of wrestling

and their colorful manager Wayne Brain.

Rough night on the mats, ladies?

- You're late, Herb.

- Yeah, whatever happened
to that dedication to duty?

- You have a wisecrack too?

- Who, me?

No, no way.

- I was out at the cop shop,

and they had a lot of questions.

About you.

Rats in toilets.

What is washing up, I've got
giants, I've got rat men,

got missing persons, got a murderer,

corrupt businessmen and
cutthroat sea captains.

I've got a Shanghai ring right here, now,

in the late part of the 20th century.

But do I have a story?

- Didn't you read the morning paper?

I thought you were never
supposed to go to sleep

until you put your paper to bed, Herb.

- Yeah, and I thought you
were supposed to stay in touch

with your product.

- Yeah.

Excuse me.

- Not bad.

Not half bad.

Got a newspaper here.

Do me a favor.

Stay at that desk, okay?

- Don't worry.

I've had enough of crime
reporting to last me a lifetime.

- Look at that.

Those guys sure look like gangsters.

- Where?

- Down the block.

They left their motor running.

Went into a bank.

- Oh no.

No, no.


- Sorry.


(calm music)

(MultiCom Jingle)