Crimewave (1985) - full transcript

A pair of whacked-out cartoon-like exterminator/hitmen kill the owner of a burglar-alarm company, and stalk the partner who hired them, his wife, and a nerd framed for the murder, who tells the story in flashback from the electric chair.

(THUNDERCLAP)

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

(WIND HOWLING)

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

(THUNDERCLAP)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

NEWSREADER: And so, at midnight,

just twelve minutes from now,

mass murderer Victor Ajax

will be executed

in the Hudsucker State Penitentiary.

- (PASSING CAR HONKING)

Now it's Ajax's turn to die.

For Ajax,

a Security Systems repairman,

it's death by electrocution,

thus writing finis

to the horrible tale

of murder and mayhem

that shocked our fair city

just two weeks ago...

- (ENGINE REVVING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

...claiming innocence to the end,

but nothing can save Ajax now.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(DOG BARKING)

INMATE:

You... No...

- GUARD: Sit down!

- INMATE: Wait! Wait!

No... no... no!

(PANTING)

- (METALLIC CLUNK)

- Oh!

GUARD: Okay, Joe.

- (BUZZING)

- (SCREAMING)

They just fried Gurwitz.

GUARD: You're next, Ajax!

But I'm innocent!

Innocent, I tell ya!

Don't give them

the satisfaction.

GUARD:

Ajax!

Well, good luck, kid.

Give my regards to Gurwitz.

GUARD: Come on, pipsqueak,

we're savin' a seat for ya!

- (RAUCOUS LAUGHTER)

- (WHISTLE BLOWING)

Say, you look like a couple

of reasonable fellows, and...

so let me explain what's...

what's goin' on here.

I'm not supposed to be here!

(SOBBING)

It's all a big mistake.

There's no hard feelings on this end,

for mistakes do happen,

and, naturally, I can

explain everything.

See, I only worked for

Mr. Odegard and Mr. Trend.

I was an employee in

their security shop,

and Mr. Odegard wasn't

a very nice guy, and...

- INMATE: Don't sit down, Vic!

- (MULTIPLE INMATES LAUGHING)

I guess he was

plannin' to sell the shop

right out from under

Mr. Trend's nose...

ODEGARD:

Hmm...

Hmm.

RENALDO: So, tell me, Odegard,

do ya L-O-V-E love it?

Could ya die?

Does it, er...

trip your alarm?

Frankly, Renaldo...

what you do with this shop

after you've bought it...

doesn't interest me in the least.

But let's keep this little

transaction to ourselves.

I wouldn't want my partner to

know he's losing his business.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

Oh, yeah? Watch this.

(LAUGHING)

VIC: But, somehow, Mr. Trend

must have found out about it.

(SHOES SCRAPING)

(DOOR CREAKING)

(VIC GIBBERING)

Mr. Trend wasn't such a bad guy,

but he and his wife

had sunk their whole lives into

that business, and... and...

Mr. Trend would have done

anything for his wife.

Anything.

(ECHOING THUDS)

(PHONE RINGING)

(LIFTING RECEIVER)

FARON: Center City Exterminators.

Trend?

You there?

Nobody's home.

Give me the word!

Come on, ya pipsqueak.

TREND:

Do it tonight.

He'll be working late...

alone.

And make it quick.

I don't want him to suffer.

You hear that, Arthur?

He doesn't want him

to suffer! Awww!

(TWO MEN LAUGHING)

Helene, I'll never let that

rat destroy our happiness.

You can count on it.

(MUTTERING PRAYER)

(GIBBERING)

So... So, you see...

I had no idea Mr. Trend

was up to something.

N... Nobody did.

It was between the two partners.

I... I had nothing to do with it!

(FLASHBULBS EXPLODING)

If you could only find Nancy.

She's my witness.

If you could only find her,

she'd tell ya I'm totally innocent.

She'd tell you,

the whole time,

I was across the street

from the shop,

installing the video security system

in Mr. Trend's apartment building.

NEWSBOY: Extra! Extra!

Read all about it!

- (SIREN BLARING)

- (HORN HONKING)

- MAN: (WOLF WHISTLING)

- WOMAN: Take your hands off me!

- (SNAPPING FINGERS)

- (BEEPING)

- (LIFT DOOR PINGING)

- (CHUCKLING)

Mr. Trend!

TREND:

Honey, I'm home!

(CLATTERING)

Who is it?

Er... it's me, Mr. Trend.

Oh, hi, Vic.

What's on your mind?

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Silliest damned thing.

It's a broom closet!

- (TREND LAUGHING)

- (VIC CHUCKLING)

Well, one more camera,

Mr. Trend,

then it's back to the shop.

Fine, back to the...

You know, Vic,

I'm glad we ran into each other

in this amusing fashion.

For a long time now, I've been lookin'

to have a heart to heart with ya.

You know, you've

always been more than

just an employee

to Helene and I.

Honey, I'm home!

You find this work

fulfilling, don't you, Vic?

And how, Mr. Trend!

But have you ever thought

about the grand design?

I mean, there's something missing.

Isn't there, Vic?

Um... er...

A door, Mr. Trend?

What's behind the door, Vic?

Oh!

(CHUCKLING)

Oh... oh, jeez...

Mr. Trend, I'd love to have

a foyer, but on my salary

a large apartment is...

I'm not talkin' about

the anteroom, Vic.

I'm talkin' about the

little princess inside.

Lord knows

I'd do anything for Helene.

Don't go back to the shop.

Take the rest of the day off.

Tonight you go out and

find a little princess

that you'd do anything for.

Now you go out there

and find yours.

Oh...

Thanks, Mr. Trend.

Just make sure that...

she knows who's boss.

- Okey dokey, Mr. Trend.

How are you tonight, Colonel?

Adequate.

One mother-lovin'

hell of a storm brewin'.

Know how I can tell?

No, how?

- Steel plate.

- (METALLIC CLONK)

In my head.

Yes, sir, Korea was no picnic.

Word of advice, son,

when you hook up 4G,

don't flirt with the

filly that lives there.

She'll slap you quicker

than you can say

..."present arms".

- (ARM CLICKING)

Yes, sir, there's one woman

that can take care of herself,

all by herself.

- (LOUDLY BLOWING NOSE)

- All by...

Hmm.

Taking care of yourself.

That's important.

But two people,

taking care of each other,

that's romance.

Romance...

Let's see.

"Chapter One: The Perfect Woman."

(CHUCKLING)

Of course the perfect woman's not

just gonna walk into my life. Gee...

(WIND HOWLING)

(BRAKES SCREECHING)

(HORN HONKING)

Holy moly!

Oh, my goodness!

Are you okay?

That temper! I tried to run.

Why don't you take the cape?

FARON: Come on, toots,

get outta the road!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

You maniacs!

That was incredible.

I've never seen anything like that.

- Oh, my jewels!

- Are you all right?

Oh! Oh, it's...

Oh, you've got the key.

- (KEY CLATTERING)

- Whoops!

(HEADS CLONKING)

(INAUDIBLE)

One more thing, Joe.

Don't you ever call me a maniac.

- (HEAVY THUD)

- Ooh!

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

FARON: People gotta learn

to watch where I'm goin'.

Are you all right?

Yeah...

Are you all right?

Me? Yes.

Yeah.

Excuse me?

What?

Oh, I... I...

I thought you said something.

No.

Ah.

(CHUCKLING)

You didn't?

Er... no.

(CHUCKLING)

Well... thanks again.

(CRASHING)

(REGULAR CLATTERING)

VIC: Oh!

(CHUCKLING)

Um... would you...

like to have

some lunch some evening?

I'm sorry, no.

Ah...

or a cup of coffee?

No, no, really...

- I, er...

- I mean, I'll pay.

No, that's not it.

Really, I...

Well, look...

- If you're not hungry...

- (BRAKES SQUEALING OUTSIDE)

Maybe we could just chat.

- RENALDO: Hey, hey!

- (HORN TOOTING)

VIC: I've got the rest of

the night off, and...

NANCY:

Renaldo!

Hiya, cupcake.

Say, where were you?

I had to walk home from work.

Oh, I, er...

Oh, I ran into an old army buddy,

and I was detained.

- Hi, I'm Vic.

- Mm-hmm.

- (SIZZLING)

- VIC: Ow!

Glad to know ya.

Say, what the hell,

in the neighborhood,

whaddaya say

you and I go out and...

drown a coupla olives, huh?

- (SNAPPING FINGERS)

Well, I don't know... you...

It's a date, then.

Eight o'clock, Rialto Café, huh?

Well, okay.

(GUNSHOT SOUND)

Socially, the man's a genius.

I wonder if he's read this book?

- RENALDO: Bye, baby!

- Goodbye, Renaldo. Goodbye!

(HORN TOOTING)

Um...

(CHUCKLING)

(THUNDERCLAP)

MAN:

Jumpin' Jehoshaphat!

In all my years in the city,

I ain't seen nothin' like this!

(THUNDERCLAP)

Come on with this

cheap Japanese umbrella!

- Goodbye! Good riddance!

- (WIND HOWLING)

(THUNDERCLAP)

(TEETH CHATTERING)

WOMAN:

Honey, I'm so scared!

MAN: Come on, Annie, we'll go outside.

It's a regular hurricane.

(WOMAN SCREAMING)

WOMAN: Oh, my God.

Are you all right?

- MAN: Oh, my arm!

- WOMAN: You poor man!

I'll sue ya!

(HORN HONKING)

Holy Hannah, are you okay?

Jesus, I don't know.

Look out!

We'll be killed!

Did you see that?!

Did you see that?

(SQUEAKING)

(BOTH HUMMING TUNELESSLY)

- (LOUD SLAMMING)

- (SCREECHING)

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

(SCREAMING AND LAUGHING CONTINUES)

(THUNDERCLAP)

TREND: Helene, please

come away from the window.

HELENE: Is that Mr. Odegard's

car down there?

TREND: Honey, this roast

is absolutely delicious.

Is Mr. Odergard

working late tonight?

No.

He went home...

to eat his dinner.

He was very hungry,

and he went home.

Well, it looks like there's

a light on down there.

(NECK CREAKING)

Helene, your food's getting cold.

He's still there, honey,

and it's after seven o'clock.

(LOUD CRUNCHING)

I didn't know he was

still there, honey.

I didn't know that Mr. Odergard

would be working late tonight.

Wait...

I think somebody's with him.

I'm going down there!

Get away from that

fucking window!

(ENGINE REVVING UP)

(SCREAMING)

(GIGGLING)

TREND:

I'm sorry.

I'll go down.

You can't go out in this

terrible weather.

Don't call anybody.

I'll see what's goin' on.

Remember what I said.

Didn't expect him

in the shop tonight.

It's a complete surprise to me.

Total surprise.

And...

(DOOR CLOSING)

- (RENALDO LAUGHING)

- (LIVE JAZZ PLAYING)

You'd like that,

wouldn't ya, baby?

(HARD SLAP)

A thousand guys would

give a thousand bucks

to have dinner

with a girl like that.

And just look at that guy.

I'm not that kind of girl!

Well, with a little practice

you could learn to be.

Oh, now, now,

wait a minute, cupcake.

(NANCY GASPING)

(LAUGHING)

Nice tie.

Ooh!

Seventy-six dollars!

Okay, here's forty.

We'll pretend that

I had the appetizer.

We'll call me a sport.

I'd call you a heel!

So, I'm a heel.

So, what of it?

Who are you?

Maybe I'm just a guy

who hates heels.

Maybe I'm a heel who hates

guys who hate heels.

Oh yeah?

Well maybe I'm a guy...

(HEAVY THUD)

- (CLATTERING)

- (MUSIC STOPS)

(GROANING)

Ow!

(BAND STARTS PLAYING)

RENALDO:

Loser.

(SOBBING)

Oh, oh. The eye.

Brutal.

(SOBBING)

Oh... ow... oh...

- (GROANING)

- (ICE CUBES CLATTERING)

(WIND HOWLING)

(DISTANT SIREN)

(RATTLING)

HELENE:

Go on! Go on! Go on!

What in the livin' hell

am I doin' here?

I oughta shove those

binoculars down your throat.

Jiminy cripes, how'd I

ever get myself into this?

- (UNLOCKING DOOR)

- For cryin' out loud.

So long, partner.

Nobody makes a fool out

of Ernest Aloysius Trend.

Now everything's hunky dory.

No witnesses.

"Why, no, officer.

"I couldn't say where he is.

"Enemies?

"None that I knew of...

know of.

"Yes...

"Donald was very much

beloved by all.

"Of course,

I'm sure he's all right.

"Murdered?"

(SIZZLING)

(LAUGHING RAUCOUSLY)

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

(DIALING)

(PHONE RINGING)

HELENE:

Ernest, is everything all right?

TREND: Can't find him.

He's not in the shop.

- Are you sure?

- Well, now he's gone.

Maybe he went out

for a bite to eat,

and used the back door.

How should I know?

Okay, then

come on home, honeykins.

Your dinner's gettin' cold.

Okay, I'll be right home, dear.

Goodbye.

(LOUD CRACKLING)

(YELLING)

(MANIACAL GIGGLING)

I used to think that

the key to happiness

was the installation and repair of

small electrical appliances, but...

well, I don't claim to know

a whole lot about

the grand design, but...

lately, I haven't been able

to shake the feeling that

somethings missing.

And I'm not talking about

the foyer or the anteroom.

(CHUCKLING)

"'Cherish' is the word

I use to describe

"all the feelings that I have

hiding here for you inside.

"I don't know how many times

I wish that I had told you.

"I don't know how many times

I wish that I could hold you.

"I don't know how many times

I wish that I could mold you

"into someone who could cherish me

as much as I cherish you..."

I haven't seen

you here before.

I like that in a woman.

You're cute.

Ooh!

Keep talkin', baby.

Maybe you'll tell me somethin'

I don't already know.

- (THREE GUNSHOT SOUNDS)

- Pow!

VIC: "...don't know how many times

I wish that I could hold you.

"I don't know how many times I wish..."

(METAL HOSE CLANGING)

FARON:

Arthur...

(CRUNCHING)

Ow...

For all we know, this is

the guy that hired us.

Mmm.

Tell him it's a two-for-one sale.

(GIGGLING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

So, I guess what

I'm trying to say is that...

the perfect woman is...

is pretty much in the

eye of the beholder.

Strange how some

dames dig ground chuck,

when they could

have prime rare.

WOMAN:

Oh, you man, you!

No-one can be perfect

on their own.

Each person needs

someone to believe in them,

to see them as being...

someone special.

People shouldn't be afraid

to take care of each other.

Nancy...

Today, when I saw you fall,

all I wanted to do

was take care of you.

(SNAPPING FINGERS)

Hey!

I thought...

How did...?

When did you...?

Gosh.

(HARD SLAP)

Wow.

RENALDO: Listen,

I'm the only one who can do it.

- WOMAN: Oh, baby!

- You know, I amaze myself.

Ha! Yeah, that's right.

HELENE: Ernest Aloysius Trend,

what on earth is keeping you?

Oh, the cab?

You'll pay for that.

I don't wanna break a hundred.

(CHORTLING)

(SIZZLING)

FARON: Take your bag, sir?

(CHUCKLING)

No muss, no fuss.

Leave the bagging to us.

(TUNELESS HUMMING)

(PLANT POT SMASHING)

Spies above, hmm?

Lady, you ain't seen nothin'...

yet!

- (RAUCOUS LAUGH)

(STEAM TRAIN SOUND)

(YELLING)

(LOUD COLLISION)

(MUTTERING)

- (CRACKING KNUCKLES)

- Put up your dukes.

(GROWLING)

What mother son's raisin'

all that ruckus out here?

(HEAVY THUD)

(CRACKLING)

(INTERMITTENT BUZZING)

(GUTTURAL MUTTERING)

(WHIMPERING)

(MUTTERING OUTSIDE)

Oh, this?

Like that!

(HELENE SCREAMING)

(UP-TEMPO JAZZ NUMBER)

Victor, you're a very nice guy.

(LAUGHING)

And I appreciate what you

tried to do for me tonight,

but this is one woman who

can take care of herself.

COMPÈRE: Haha! Let's have a big round

of applause for Johnny and the boys.

Vic?

Would you lend me

thirty-six dollars?

Sure!

If I had thirty-six dollars.

(CHUCKLING)

I don't usually walk around

with that much money on me.

So where on earth am I

gonna get thirty-six dollars?

- COMPÈRE: Ladies and gentlemen!

- (DRUM ROLL AND CYMBAL CRASH)

The winners of tonight's

Rialto Dance Riot will receive

thirty-six dollars!

Play, Johnny!

(APPLAUSE)

And one, two,

one-two-three-four.

(LIVELY DANCE NUMBER)

(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)

(MAN COUGHING)

(RASPING SOUND OUTSIDE)

(WHIMPERING)

(YELLING)

(WHIRRING)

"Woman found torn limb from

limb in West Side apartment.

"Film at eleven."

(SPLINTERING)

WOMAN:

Operator.

Police.

It's an emergency.

Oh, please help me!

There's a man, and...

Ah! Um, well...

Ah, you see, my husband

went across the street... and... oh!

Well, before that,

I'd seen Mr. Odegard,

I'd seen him working late, and I...

- (HELENE WHIMPERING)

- (LAUGHING)

(CRASHING)

(LAUGHING)

FARON:

I'm gonna tear out your...

(CLANGING)

(TUNEFUL CLONKING)

(BIRDS TWEETING)

FARON:

Where am I?

Oh, yeah.

(CLANGING)

- (GRUNTING)

- (TEARING)

(CARPET TACKS PINGING)

(RUMBLING)

(TACKS PINGING)

(HISSING)

(CLATTERING)

FARON:

San Francisco!

Come to poppa, sweetheart.

(LAUGHING)

(HELENE YELLING)

(GLASS BREAKING)

(FARON LAUGHING)

Oh, playin' hard to get, huh?

I like it that way.

Okay, hmm.

Help! Help! Help! Help! Help!

(MAN WHISTLING A TUNE)

(HELENE GROANING)

(MUFFLED CRIES)

Drop her, you little punk.

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

I'm gonna kick your ass.

Buckwheat, I's gonna

give you an advantage.

Take your last good look at

God's sweet earth, mister.

'Cause you's about to meet

the bein' what made it!

(DOOR SLAMMING)

HELENE:

Mr. Yarman?

Quiet down, Mrs. Trend.

There's but one way

to catch a rat in the dark.

You wait.

Rat, he just gotta show

you his pink little eyes.

(FARON GRUNTING)

(CRASHING)

(FARON GROWLING)

(CRASHING)

FARON: Ya can't seem

to catch this rat!

(LAUGHING)

I'll get ya.

Rat ain't been made what

can get away from Mr. Yarman.

- (FARON GROWLING)

- (CRASHING)

See?

It's a long road

that's got no end.

FARON: To catch a rat,

you gotta find him first.

Right!

FARON: And rats like me

are hard to find.

Bon voyage, sucker!

(SCREAMING)

(GLASS SHATTERING)

WOMAN:

Oh, honey, look at that man!

MAN:

Better not get involved.

(GIGGLING)

(LAUGHING)

Hey, what's so funny? Why don't

you share it with the rest of us?

(CACKLING)

Ah, go on!

- WOMAN: Taxi!

- MAN: Where to?

(BUZZING)

WOMAN: ...a terrible bore,

and a dreadful dancer.

MAN: Oh, honey,

you're just a little bombed.

(SPEAKING CHINESE)

Merci beaucoup!

(SIGHING)

(OSTENTATIOUS CHUCKLING)

Some night, huh?

"Some night"?

It couldn't've

possibly been worse.

I almost get run over,

lose a dance contest...

(CHUCKLING)

Get stood up by a heel,

and spend most of the

evening washing dishes

to pay for a good time

I didn't have!

It couldn't possibly

have been worse.

You met me, didn't ya?

Exactly.

I think things could

have been a lot worse.

(VEHICLE APPROACHING)

(LOUD SPLAT)

Look at the bright side.

You and your bright side?

There is no bright side.

You're not being rational, Nancy.

Of course there's a bright side!

No bright side.

No bright side.

No... bright... side!

(YELLING)

No bright side!

Nancy, I'm going to pretend

I didn't hear that.

Oh!

(SOBBING)

I can take care of myself!

Of course you can, Nancy,

but taking care of each other,

that's what's important.

Who are you?

You're ruining my day.

What'd I do?

(DOG GROWLING)

- What's all that noise?

- (DOG BARKING)

DISPATCHER: Car 9. Car 9.

Report to Watchtower Apartments.

Domestic squabble.

That is all.

(SIREN BLARING)

(MUTTERING)

Come on, you...

Who are you, anyway?

(PINGING)

(NECK CRACKING)

(SIREN BLARING)

(BRAKES SQUEALING)

- (BANGING LIFT DOOR)

- Come on! Come on!

(BRAKES SQUEALING)

- Come on, already!

- (THUMPING)

Come on!

God!

(SHOE LEATHER CREAKING)

Use the elevator!

Come on!

Hey!

- (TWANGING)

- Ow!

I'm Captain of this elevator,

and we are stoppin'

at every floor.

(CRASHING)

Whoa!

Nancy, once we get you back in

your apartment, and all cleaned up,

you'll feel like a million bucks.

Here we go!

Whoa!

(BOTH YELLING)

(BOTH YELLING)

- Arthur?

- Faron?

Look out!

Hmm...

(SHOE LEATHER CREAKING)

Hmm...

Okay, Nancy,

my eyes are closed.

You can hand me

that dress now.

Can I open my eyes yet?

- NANCY: Not yet.

- (MIMICKING NANCY): Not yet.

(CHUCKLING)

NANCY:

Behind you.

Open up, please.

It's the police.

(LIFT PINGING)

COP:

Where'd you get the negro, Butch?

Elevator.

What kind of paranoid schizo

could kill a man in cold blood,

and then jelly up his

face with shaving cream?

My dad!

Son?

(CHUCKLING)

NANCY:

Aah...

Ooh...

I don't know what I ever saw

in that heel in the first place.

(RIPPING CLOTH)

Oh, he's not such a bad

guy, just a little confused.

Am I confused, too, Vic?

No, Nancy, I think your

emotions are wonderful.

I wish I could be as

expressive as you.

You were so free when ya

kissed me in the restaurant...

and when you slapped me.

I think you're wonderful.

(GULPING)

I...

have to get some more

Sudzo for that dress.

I'll be right back.

(FLOORBOARD CREAKING)

Vic?

(MIMICKING VIC)

Mm-hmm?

I've just been thinking

about what you said,

and it's very sweet,

but the truth is...

I haven't been completely honest

with my feelings about you.

Thank you for helping me tonight.

No problem.

Of all the men I've known,

none of them would have done

what you did for me tonight.

Gosh.

I just want you to know...

I think you're a very wonderful,

and a very special person.

(HIS OWN VOICE) It's not often

I get a chance to meet a girl like you.

(MUFFLED SCREAM)

Nancy!

Where are you?

Freshening...

(COUGHING)

(MIMICKING NANCY)

Freshening up!

Sounds like that congestion's

moving to your throat.

Listen, I just saw

Mrs. Ellroy in the hall,

and she said that there are

a couple of maniacs running around

with forks in their noses,

and she's concerned,

because she hasn't seen

Jack or Jack junior for, er...

for quite a while.

ARTHUR:

Gracious.

Yeah, it sounds like they're

a couple of real sickos.

Do you hear that?

There's a couple of maniacs

running loose out there.

Oh, God.

VIC: I know you can

take care of yourself,

but, er... I just thought

I oughta pass it along.

Well, tonight certainly has been

rough on you! (CHUCKLING)

But, I... I just...

have to tell ya, Nancy, for me...

it's been the most

wonderful night of my life.

(SHATTERING)

It probably sounds funny

to a girl like you,

Who's met lots of

swell guys, and...

I know that'll sound funny to a...

a girl like you who's...

who's met lots of swell guys,

and had lots of wonderful evenings.

But, I never met a girl

like you before...

But I... I've never met a girl

like you before...

What a turkey!

I know

I don't deserve you,

but I just had to

tell you how I felt,

before I...

walked out of your life...

forever...

Take a hike, pal.

You could tell me to stay,

if you wanted to.

But, if you don't...

I'll understand.

I understand.

(DOOR CLOSING)

I think he's gone.

Listen, I just have to get a chance

to tell you before we go.

I really love your décor.

It's a terrific place you got here.

(SNIFFING)

Oh, golly gee, your hair

really smells terrific.

Ya know, I don't get a chance

to talk to people that much at all,

especially girls like you,

ya know.

When I was in school,

my mom used to

never let me talk to anybody,

ya know. And I hated my mom.

That's why I got into

the rodent business, ya know.

Every time I kill one of

those guys, ya know,

I see my mom in

their face, ya know...

I never had a chance.

'Cause, you know, I'm, like,

a product of the sixties.

Ya know, Vietnam, napalm,

"LBJ all the way".

Ya know, Kent State,

pay the price, Soul on Ice...

- (CLANG)

- (FARON GROANING)

- Mrs. Trend?

- Mmm-mm! Mmm!

You better get back

to your apartment.

There are a couple of maniacs

loose in this building.

FARON:

"Maniac", huh?

(SCREECHING)

I told you never to call me that!

(HEAVY THUD)

Arthur!

Do you have a rodent problem?

Hey, Arthur.

Every man for himself!

Faron!

(LOCKING DOOR)

FARON:

Ready or not, here I come!

- (CRASHING)

- (GROANING)

Come back here!

(SCREAMING)

Hey, baby. Why don'tcha

come on over to my pad?

We'll have a scotch and sofa!

(RAUCOUS LAUGHTER)

- (HARD SLAP)

- You heel!

So, I'm a heel.

So, what of it?

I'm not such a bad guy.

Or am I?

Huh?

(RAUCOUS LAUGHTER)

(CLANGING)

Pardon me.

Ernest! Help!

DRIVER:

Watch it, fatso!

Get out of the way!

(ALARM BELL RINGING)

Avon calling!

I'll get ya!

(CLANGING)

(CREAKING)

Oh!

- (CLATTERING)

- (GROANING)

(CLATTERING)

(LAUGHING)

I got ya!

- HELENE: Oh, my God!

- MAN: Yo, load 'em up!

Let's see, the 2:40 will get me in

at 5:15, and the 3:15 will get me...

(LIFT PINGING)

WOMAN:

Stop this nonsense immediately!

Put her down this instant,

you filthy little man!

Who's gonna stop me,

you old bat?

You and those fag dogs?

That's right!

(SNARLING)

(SCREAMING)

(TEARING)

(SCREAMING)

(WIND HOWLING)

(SCREAMING)

FARON: Hey, where ya goin'?

The night is young.

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

Hey, you little witch!

Stop her, Faron!

I'll get the truck!

(SCREAMING)

(PANTING)

(WHIMPERING)

(KEYS JANGLING)

FARON:

Let me in!

(ENGINE STARTING)

(SCREAMING)

FARON:

Okay, no more Mr. Nice Guy.

(ENGINE SPUTTERING)

(ENGINE REVVING)

(GLASS SHATTERING)

FARON:

Goin' my way, sweetheart?

(FARON YELLING)

Women drivers.

- Faron, are you okay?

- Get in the truck, idiot.

Look what they did to me.

Oh, I wanna...

I'm gonna get you!

Oh, I hate animals.

Nancy!

What's the trouble, son?

Some maniacs are after my girl,

and I wonder if you'd

let me take your...

Do you love her, son?

(WHOOSHING)

Yes, sir. I reckon I do.

She sticks a little in third.

I don't claim to know a whole

lot about the grand design...

but those fellows are gonna

suck on some abuse!

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

(TUNELESS SINGING)

FARON:

Arthur, go ahead, go on.

Oh, no.

Oh, no, you don't.

FARON:

Go ahead, take one.

ARTHUR: No, no,

I know you don't mean it.

Arthur, I'm tellin' ya it's okay.

Yeah?

- Go on.

- Okay...

(CRUNCHING)

- (ARTHUR SCREAMING)

- (FARON LAUGHING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(ENGINE REVVING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(GASPING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

It's all right,

I'll get away from him.

(NANCY WHIMPERING)

FARON:

Rammin' speed!

(CRASHING)

Ram two!

(SCREAMING)

- Go get her.

- Okay.

Yeehah!

(ARTHUR CACKLING)

(SCREAMING)

(BRAKES SQUEALING)

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

(GLASS SHATTERING)

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

DRIVER: ♪ Get along, little doggy,

and come home to me ♪

Beat it!

Get out of the way!

FARON:

Asshole!

(LAUGHING)

(GASPING)

NANCY:

Victor! Help!

I'm coming, Nancy!

Make way for Victor Ajax!

Why, you...

(SCREECHING)

You're under citizen's arrest, fella!

Oh, yeah? Here!

(HEAVY THUD)

The eye.

That does it!

Taste justice!

(HEAVY THWACKS)

FARON:

I'm comin', Arthur!

(VIC YELLING)

NANCY:

Hold on!

(VIC YELLING)

Should I stop?

Not just yet!

(THWACK)

(CRUNCHING)

(CACKLING)

- (THWACK)

- (ARTHUR SCREECHING)

(SCREECHING)

(BUZZING)

VIC: Nancy!

I feel like a wishbone!

I'm bein' split in two!

- Victor, jump!

- What?

Jump off!

Jump off!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Why, those guys!

I only borrowed that car!

- Hey, Vic?

- Huh?

(THWACK)

(YELLING)

FARON: Go on, go get him, Arthur.

He's over there!

Tally-ho!

(THWACK)

ARTHUR:

Let go! Let go!

All right, buster!

Whoa!

Whoooa!

(REPEATED HEAVY THUDS)

ARTHUR:

Here's one for my boot!

Here's one for the Dodge!

Here's one for the rat!

Ow!

Whoa!

FARON: Arthur, are you

all right up there?

Look out for that overpass!

There's no...

(VIC YELLING)

Surprise, surprise!

(CRACKLING)

- (WHIRRING)

- VIC: Uh-oh!

How do you want it, Vic?

Medium, or well done?

(CACKLING)

Kill him, Arthur! Kill him!

- Look out!

- Nancy!

(ARTHUR SCREECHING)

You broke my shocker.

Mister, you've done

some bad things,

and I'm gonna deal out

some swift justice!

- This one's for bothering my girl!

- Ow!

This one's for giving me this!

Ow!

This one's for ruining my date!

(HOWLING)

And here's one for all

the folks everywhere!

Okay, son, I give up.

Please don't hit me again

with that baseball bat.

I realise what I did was wrong,

and... well...

I'm... I'm sorry.

Sometimes, "sorry" isn't good enough.

Wait! From now on,

I'll be good.

I swear it's the truth.

Just one more chance.

- Well...

- Please?

Friend?

Pal?

All right,

but just this once.

Put 'er there, buddy!

(REPEATED CLONKING)

Knock his brains out!

(SCREAMING)

Well, it looks like the end

of the road for you, Vic.

Don't look now, but...

here comes an overpass!

(GIGGLING)

You really tear me up, Vic.

Can I call you Vic?

I mean, that's the difference

between me and you.

That's why you're down there,

and I'm up here.

You see, Vic...

you believe in people,

and I don't.

That's why I'm gonna bash

your stinkin' little skull...

(RESOUNDING THUD)

Arthur?

Arthur!

Why, you little...

(METAL SCRAPING)

- (VIC YELLING)

- (NANCY SCREAMING)

(CREAKING)

(WHIMPERING)

(FARON YELLING)

(GROANING)

NANCY:

Victor!

Nancy!

Victor! Save me!

(SCREAMING)

Nancy!

I got ya, Nancy!

FARON:

Not so fast!

- (SCREAMING)

- (FARON LAUGHING)

VIC: You can still

put a stop to this.

I certainly intend to!

Oh, this is a nightmare!

And away we go!

(CRACKLING)

- (EXPLOSION)

- (VIC YELLING)

(FARON GRUNTING)

(METAL TEARING)

(SCREAMING)

Victor, help me!

It's going over!

Please! Hurry!

VIC:

I'm coming, Nancy!

- (GLASS SHATTERING)

- (SCREAMING)

VIC: Hold on, kid!

We're almost there!

FARON:

You wanna play rough, eh?

Let's go!

Eat guard rail, fatso!

Fatso? I'll...

Here I come!

(LAUGHING)

You're goin' for a swim!

(CLASHING)

(SCREAMING)

(YELLING)

FARON:

Now it's your turn, toots!

(CREAKING)

(SCREAMING)

(CREAKING)

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

(SCREAMING)

Geronimo!

(SUDDEN CREAKING)

(POPPING)

VIC:

Nancy!

Nancy, jump!

(POPPING)

Nancy, jump!

I can't make it!

You can make it!

It's too far!

Come to me, Nancy!

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

Nancy! Jump!

(SCREAMING)

Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa!

VIC:

Hold on! Hold on!

Oh, are you all right?

Oh, N... Nancy, please...

Oh! Oh!

Okay! Oh! Oh!

Oh, not the ear! Oh!

Aaargh!

(NANCY SCREAMING)

Hold on, Nancy!

Oh, goodness. Oh, my goodness.

Oh, are you all right?

Oh, no! Not the eye!

(CRUNCHING)

(GLASS SHATTERING)

Who were those guys, anyway?

Oh, gee...

- I don't know.

- I mean, where'd they come from?

- I can't believe it.

- I... I...

- Well, how'd they get you?

- Are you okay?

Nancy, I came into your room,

and I thought you didn't

care about me.

Oh, Vic, I do care!

You saved...

- (CREAKING)

- (YELLING)

(SCREAMING)

(CRACKLING)

And then I hit the water.

So, you see,

I'm practically a hero.

Oh, thanks.

So, if it hadn't been for me,

there's no telling how many people

those maniacs might've killed.

Tell it to Saint Peter!

Saint Peter?

Oh yeah, that's a good one!

(LAUGHING)

But seriously, if you

can just find Nancy,

she'd prove everything

I've told you.

Nancy, Nancy.

You probably killed her

just like all the others.

She's alive, I tell ya.

She was on the bridge.

I don't know what

happened to her,

but maybe if you ran a

picture of her in the paper?

Ah, sure, yeah!

We'll run a picture of her.

- Yeah!

- Yeah.

- Next to your obit.

- (BOTH LAUGHING)

Yeah! Next to my...

(FALLING SILENT)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

VOICES:

♪ Hallelujah!

♪ Hallelujah! ♪

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(TICKING)

VIC:

Well, I've still got five minutes.

(CHUCKLING)

(GASPING)

(CHUCKLING)

(TICKING)

(WHIRRING)

Hold it! Hold it!

It's the Governor.

Am I too late?

No, Governor.

GOVERNOR:

Oh, thank God.

I didn't want to miss this.

VOICES:

♪ Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! ♪

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(CRACKING KNUCKLES)

EXECUTIONER:

Sayonara!

NANCY:

Wait!

(GASPING)

That man is innocent!

Nancy!

(ALL GASPING)

Ah, come on!

Victor, darling, I had no idea.

When you fell off that bridge,

I thought you were dead.

I wandered for days.

What were you

wondering about?

And then, these good

sisters took me in.

Hi, I'm Vic.

NANCY: I was about to take

my vow of eternal silence,

when I read about this horrible

mistake in the newspapers.

(SIMPERING)

I heard she's lyin'.

Can you good sisters corroborate

this young lady's story?

(SILENCE)

They can't speak!

They've taken their vow

of eternal silence.

Too bad!

(SNAPPING FINGERS)

Right!

(GASPING)

(CREAKING)

(SCREAMING)

She likes me!

(GIGGLING)

(CHORTLING)

MAN: ♪ Don't have much savvy

in the ways of the world

♪ I don't know much about

impressin' a girl ♪

♪ I just know

you set my head in a whirl ♪

♪ Won't ya be my sweetheart, honey? ♪

COUPLE:

♪ We go together like rats in a pack ♪

♪ Lunch in a sack ♪

♪ Like knick-a-knack Paddywack ♪

♪ Give the dog a bone ♪

♪ I wanna come home to ya, honey-bop ♪

WOMAN: ♪ I thought I knew

about the way things should be ♪

♪ I was a woman

who could take care of me ♪

♪ And then you came along

and set my heart free ♪

♪ Won't ya be my sweetheart, honey? ♪

COUPLE:

♪ We go together like rats in a pack ♪

♪ Lunch in a sack ♪

♪ Like knick-a-knack Paddywack ♪

♪ Give the dog a bone ♪

♪ I wanna come home to ya, honey-bop ♪

MAN: ♪ I know I'm missin' some

in savoir-faire ♪

♪ I'll make it up

in small appliance repair ♪

♪ My heart is hummin'

like a new Frigidaire ♪

♪ Won't ya be my sweetheart, honey? ♪

COUPLE:

♪ We go together like rats in a pack ♪

♪ Lunch in a sack ♪

♪ Like knick-a-knack Paddywack ♪

♪ Give the dog a bone ♪

♪ I wanna come home to ya, honey-bop ♪

WOMAN: ♪ I And though you

may be just an average Joe ♪

♪ Perhaps a little bit

a nebbish and schmoe ♪

♪ I can't believe

you really make my heart go ♪

♪ Won't ya be my sweetheart, honey? ♪

COUPLE:

♪ We go together like rats in a pack ♪

♪ Lunch in a sack ♪

♪ Like knick-a-knack Paddywack ♪

♪ Give the dog a bone ♪

♪ I wanna come home to ya, honey-bop ♪

MAN: ♪ We'll buy a house

in New Rochelle right away ♪

WOMAN:

♪ I'll make a tuna casserole every day ♪

COUPLE:

♪ Soon you'll find us at the PTA ♪

♪ Won't it all be lovely, honey? ♪

♪ We go together like rats in a pack ♪

♪ Lunch in a sack ♪

♪ Like knick-a-knack Paddywack ♪

♪ Give the dog a bone ♪

♪ I wanna come home to ya, honey-bop ♪

MAN:

♪ We go together like rats in a pack ♪

♪ Satisfaction guaranteed

or double your money back ♪

COUPLE:

♪ We go together like rats in a pack ♪

♪ Satisfaction guaranteed

or double your money back ♪

ALL: ♪ We go together like... rats in a pack ♪

- COUPLE: ♪ Satisfaction guaranteed ♪

- FARON: ♪ Save some dough ♪

- COUPLE: ♪ Or double your money back ♪

- FARON: ♪ On a two-for-one sale ♪

ALL: ♪ We go together like... rats in a pack ♪

- COUPLE: ♪ Satisfaction guaranteed ♪

- FARON: ♪ Save some dough ♪

- COUPLE: ♪ Or double your money back... ♪

- FARON: ♪ On a two-for-one sale... ♪

(DESOLATE WIND)

(THUMPING)

HELENE: Hey! Hey!

Is anybody out there?