Crimewave (1985) - full transcript
A pair of whacked-out cartoon-like exterminator/hitmen kill the owner of a burglar-alarm company, and stalk the partner who hired them, his wife, and a nerd framed for the murder, who tells the story in flashback from the electric chair.
(THUNDERCLAP)
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
(WIND HOWLING)
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
(THUNDERCLAP)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
NEWSREADER: And so, at midnight,
just twelve minutes from now,
mass murderer Victor Ajax
will be executed
in the Hudsucker State Penitentiary.
- (PASSING CAR HONKING)
Now it's Ajax's turn to die.
For Ajax,
a Security Systems repairman,
it's death by electrocution,
thus writing finis
to the horrible tale
of murder and mayhem
that shocked our fair city
just two weeks ago...
- (ENGINE REVVING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
...claiming innocence to the end,
but nothing can save Ajax now.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(DOG BARKING)
INMATE:
You... No...
- GUARD: Sit down!
- INMATE: Wait! Wait!
No... no... no!
(PANTING)
- (METALLIC CLUNK)
- Oh!
GUARD: Okay, Joe.
- (BUZZING)
- (SCREAMING)
They just fried Gurwitz.
GUARD: You're next, Ajax!
But I'm innocent!
Innocent, I tell ya!
Don't give them
the satisfaction.
GUARD:
Ajax!
Well, good luck, kid.
Give my regards to Gurwitz.
GUARD: Come on, pipsqueak,
we're savin' a seat for ya!
- (RAUCOUS LAUGHTER)
- (WHISTLE BLOWING)
Say, you look like a couple
of reasonable fellows, and...
so let me explain what's...
what's goin' on here.
I'm not supposed to be here!
(SOBBING)
It's all a big mistake.
There's no hard feelings on this end,
for mistakes do happen,
and, naturally, I can
explain everything.
See, I only worked for
Mr. Odegard and Mr. Trend.
I was an employee in
their security shop,
and Mr. Odegard wasn't
a very nice guy, and...
- INMATE: Don't sit down, Vic!
- (MULTIPLE INMATES LAUGHING)
I guess he was
plannin' to sell the shop
right out from under
Mr. Trend's nose...
ODEGARD:
Hmm...
Hmm.
RENALDO: So, tell me, Odegard,
do ya L-O-V-E love it?
Could ya die?
Does it, er...
trip your alarm?
Frankly, Renaldo...
what you do with this shop
after you've bought it...
doesn't interest me in the least.
But let's keep this little
transaction to ourselves.
I wouldn't want my partner to
know he's losing his business.
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
Oh, yeah? Watch this.
(LAUGHING)
VIC: But, somehow, Mr. Trend
must have found out about it.
(SHOES SCRAPING)
(DOOR CREAKING)
(VIC GIBBERING)
Mr. Trend wasn't such a bad guy,
but he and his wife
had sunk their whole lives into
that business, and... and...
Mr. Trend would have done
anything for his wife.
Anything.
(ECHOING THUDS)
(PHONE RINGING)
(LIFTING RECEIVER)
FARON: Center City Exterminators.
Trend?
You there?
Nobody's home.
Give me the word!
Come on, ya pipsqueak.
TREND:
Do it tonight.
He'll be working late...
alone.
And make it quick.
I don't want him to suffer.
You hear that, Arthur?
He doesn't want him
to suffer! Awww!
(TWO MEN LAUGHING)
Helene, I'll never let that
rat destroy our happiness.
You can count on it.
(MUTTERING PRAYER)
(GIBBERING)
So... So, you see...
I had no idea Mr. Trend
was up to something.
N... Nobody did.
It was between the two partners.
I... I had nothing to do with it!
(FLASHBULBS EXPLODING)
If you could only find Nancy.
She's my witness.
If you could only find her,
she'd tell ya I'm totally innocent.
She'd tell you,
the whole time,
I was across the street
from the shop,
installing the video security system
in Mr. Trend's apartment building.
NEWSBOY: Extra! Extra!
Read all about it!
- (SIREN BLARING)
- (HORN HONKING)
- MAN: (WOLF WHISTLING)
- WOMAN: Take your hands off me!
- (SNAPPING FINGERS)
- (BEEPING)
- (LIFT DOOR PINGING)
- (CHUCKLING)
Mr. Trend!
TREND:
Honey, I'm home!
(CLATTERING)
Who is it?
Er... it's me, Mr. Trend.
Oh, hi, Vic.
What's on your mind?
Ah.
Ah.
Ah.
Silliest damned thing.
It's a broom closet!
- (TREND LAUGHING)
- (VIC CHUCKLING)
Well, one more camera,
Mr. Trend,
then it's back to the shop.
Fine, back to the...
You know, Vic,
I'm glad we ran into each other
in this amusing fashion.
For a long time now, I've been lookin'
to have a heart to heart with ya.
You know, you've
always been more than
just an employee
to Helene and I.
Honey, I'm home!
You find this work
fulfilling, don't you, Vic?
And how, Mr. Trend!
But have you ever thought
about the grand design?
I mean, there's something missing.
Isn't there, Vic?
Um... er...
A door, Mr. Trend?
What's behind the door, Vic?
Oh!
(CHUCKLING)
Oh... oh, jeez...
Mr. Trend, I'd love to have
a foyer, but on my salary
a large apartment is...
I'm not talkin' about
the anteroom, Vic.
I'm talkin' about the
little princess inside.
Lord knows
I'd do anything for Helene.
Don't go back to the shop.
Take the rest of the day off.
Tonight you go out and
find a little princess
that you'd do anything for.
Now you go out there
and find yours.
Oh...
Thanks, Mr. Trend.
Just make sure that...
she knows who's boss.
- Okey dokey, Mr. Trend.
How are you tonight, Colonel?
Adequate.
One mother-lovin'
hell of a storm brewin'.
Know how I can tell?
No, how?
- Steel plate.
- (METALLIC CLONK)
In my head.
Yes, sir, Korea was no picnic.
Word of advice, son,
when you hook up 4G,
don't flirt with the
filly that lives there.
She'll slap you quicker
than you can say
..."present arms".
- (ARM CLICKING)
Yes, sir, there's one woman
that can take care of herself,
all by herself.
- (LOUDLY BLOWING NOSE)
- All by...
Hmm.
Taking care of yourself.
That's important.
But two people,
taking care of each other,
that's romance.
Romance...
Let's see.
"Chapter One: The Perfect Woman."
(CHUCKLING)
Of course the perfect woman's not
just gonna walk into my life. Gee...
(WIND HOWLING)
(BRAKES SCREECHING)
(HORN HONKING)
Holy moly!
Oh, my goodness!
Are you okay?
That temper! I tried to run.
Why don't you take the cape?
FARON: Come on, toots,
get outta the road!
(TIRES SCREECHING)
You maniacs!
That was incredible.
I've never seen anything like that.
- Oh, my jewels!
- Are you all right?
Oh! Oh, it's...
Oh, you've got the key.
- (KEY CLATTERING)
- Whoops!
(HEADS CLONKING)
(INAUDIBLE)
One more thing, Joe.
Don't you ever call me a maniac.
- (HEAVY THUD)
- Ooh!
(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)
FARON: People gotta learn
to watch where I'm goin'.
Are you all right?
Yeah...
Are you all right?
Me? Yes.
Yeah.
Excuse me?
What?
Oh, I... I...
I thought you said something.
No.
Ah.
(CHUCKLING)
You didn't?
Er... no.
(CHUCKLING)
Well... thanks again.
(CRASHING)
(REGULAR CLATTERING)
VIC: Oh!
(CHUCKLING)
Um... would you...
like to have
some lunch some evening?
I'm sorry, no.
Ah...
or a cup of coffee?
No, no, really...
- I, er...
- I mean, I'll pay.
No, that's not it.
Really, I...
Well, look...
- If you're not hungry...
- (BRAKES SQUEALING OUTSIDE)
Maybe we could just chat.
- RENALDO: Hey, hey!
- (HORN TOOTING)
VIC: I've got the rest of
the night off, and...
NANCY:
Renaldo!
Hiya, cupcake.
Say, where were you?
I had to walk home from work.
Oh, I, er...
Oh, I ran into an old army buddy,
and I was detained.
- Hi, I'm Vic.
- Mm-hmm.
- (SIZZLING)
- VIC: Ow!
Glad to know ya.
Say, what the hell,
in the neighborhood,
whaddaya say
you and I go out and...
drown a coupla olives, huh?
- (SNAPPING FINGERS)
Well, I don't know... you...
It's a date, then.
Eight o'clock, Rialto Café, huh?
Well, okay.
(GUNSHOT SOUND)
Socially, the man's a genius.
I wonder if he's read this book?
- RENALDO: Bye, baby!
- Goodbye, Renaldo. Goodbye!
(HORN TOOTING)
Um...
(CHUCKLING)
(THUNDERCLAP)
MAN:
Jumpin' Jehoshaphat!
In all my years in the city,
I ain't seen nothin' like this!
(THUNDERCLAP)
Come on with this
cheap Japanese umbrella!
- Goodbye! Good riddance!
- (WIND HOWLING)
(THUNDERCLAP)
(TEETH CHATTERING)
WOMAN:
Honey, I'm so scared!
MAN: Come on, Annie, we'll go outside.
It's a regular hurricane.
(WOMAN SCREAMING)
WOMAN: Oh, my God.
Are you all right?
- MAN: Oh, my arm!
- WOMAN: You poor man!
I'll sue ya!
(HORN HONKING)
Holy Hannah, are you okay?
Jesus, I don't know.
Look out!
We'll be killed!
Did you see that?!
Did you see that?
(SQUEAKING)
(BOTH HUMMING TUNELESSLY)
- (LOUD SLAMMING)
- (SCREECHING)
(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)
(SCREAMING AND LAUGHING CONTINUES)
(THUNDERCLAP)
TREND: Helene, please
come away from the window.
HELENE: Is that Mr. Odegard's
car down there?
TREND: Honey, this roast
is absolutely delicious.
Is Mr. Odergard
working late tonight?
No.
He went home...
to eat his dinner.
He was very hungry,
and he went home.
Well, it looks like there's
a light on down there.
(NECK CREAKING)
Helene, your food's getting cold.
He's still there, honey,
and it's after seven o'clock.
(LOUD CRUNCHING)
I didn't know he was
still there, honey.
I didn't know that Mr. Odergard
would be working late tonight.
Wait...
I think somebody's with him.
I'm going down there!
Get away from that
fucking window!
(ENGINE REVVING UP)
(SCREAMING)
(GIGGLING)
TREND:
I'm sorry.
I'll go down.
You can't go out in this
terrible weather.
Don't call anybody.
I'll see what's goin' on.
Remember what I said.
Didn't expect him
in the shop tonight.
It's a complete surprise to me.
Total surprise.
And...
(DOOR CLOSING)
- (RENALDO LAUGHING)
- (LIVE JAZZ PLAYING)
You'd like that,
wouldn't ya, baby?
(HARD SLAP)
A thousand guys would
give a thousand bucks
to have dinner
with a girl like that.
And just look at that guy.
I'm not that kind of girl!
Well, with a little practice
you could learn to be.
Oh, now, now,
wait a minute, cupcake.
(NANCY GASPING)
(LAUGHING)
Nice tie.
Ooh!
Seventy-six dollars!
Okay, here's forty.
We'll pretend that
I had the appetizer.
We'll call me a sport.
I'd call you a heel!
So, I'm a heel.
So, what of it?
Who are you?
Maybe I'm just a guy
who hates heels.
Maybe I'm a heel who hates
guys who hate heels.
Oh yeah?
Well maybe I'm a guy...
(HEAVY THUD)
- (CLATTERING)
- (MUSIC STOPS)
(GROANING)
Ow!
(BAND STARTS PLAYING)
RENALDO:
Loser.
(SOBBING)
Oh, oh. The eye.
Brutal.
(SOBBING)
Oh... ow... oh...
- (GROANING)
- (ICE CUBES CLATTERING)
(WIND HOWLING)
(DISTANT SIREN)
(RATTLING)
HELENE:
Go on! Go on! Go on!
What in the livin' hell
am I doin' here?
I oughta shove those
binoculars down your throat.
Jiminy cripes, how'd I
ever get myself into this?
- (UNLOCKING DOOR)
- For cryin' out loud.
So long, partner.
Nobody makes a fool out
of Ernest Aloysius Trend.
Now everything's hunky dory.
No witnesses.
"Why, no, officer.
"I couldn't say where he is.
"Enemies?
"None that I knew of...
know of.
"Yes...
"Donald was very much
beloved by all.
"Of course,
I'm sure he's all right.
"Murdered?"
(SIZZLING)
(LAUGHING RAUCOUSLY)
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
(DIALING)
(PHONE RINGING)
HELENE:
Ernest, is everything all right?
TREND: Can't find him.
He's not in the shop.
- Are you sure?
- Well, now he's gone.
Maybe he went out
for a bite to eat,
and used the back door.
How should I know?
Okay, then
come on home, honeykins.
Your dinner's gettin' cold.
Okay, I'll be right home, dear.
Goodbye.
(LOUD CRACKLING)
(YELLING)
(MANIACAL GIGGLING)
I used to think that
the key to happiness
was the installation and repair of
small electrical appliances, but...
well, I don't claim to know
a whole lot about
the grand design, but...
lately, I haven't been able
to shake the feeling that
somethings missing.
And I'm not talking about
the foyer or the anteroom.
(CHUCKLING)
"'Cherish' is the word
I use to describe
"all the feelings that I have
hiding here for you inside.
"I don't know how many times
I wish that I had told you.
"I don't know how many times
I wish that I could hold you.
"I don't know how many times
I wish that I could mold you
"into someone who could cherish me
as much as I cherish you..."
I haven't seen
you here before.
I like that in a woman.
You're cute.
Ooh!
Keep talkin', baby.
Maybe you'll tell me somethin'
I don't already know.
- (THREE GUNSHOT SOUNDS)
- Pow!
VIC: "...don't know how many times
I wish that I could hold you.
"I don't know how many times I wish..."
(METAL HOSE CLANGING)
FARON:
Arthur...
(CRUNCHING)
Ow...
For all we know, this is
the guy that hired us.
Mmm.
Tell him it's a two-for-one sale.
(GIGGLING)
(BOTH LAUGHING)
So, I guess what
I'm trying to say is that...
the perfect woman is...
is pretty much in the
eye of the beholder.
Strange how some
dames dig ground chuck,
when they could
have prime rare.
WOMAN:
Oh, you man, you!
No-one can be perfect
on their own.
Each person needs
someone to believe in them,
to see them as being...
someone special.
People shouldn't be afraid
to take care of each other.
Nancy...
Today, when I saw you fall,
all I wanted to do
was take care of you.
(SNAPPING FINGERS)
Hey!
I thought...
How did...?
When did you...?
Gosh.
(HARD SLAP)
Wow.
RENALDO: Listen,
I'm the only one who can do it.
- WOMAN: Oh, baby!
- You know, I amaze myself.
Ha! Yeah, that's right.
HELENE: Ernest Aloysius Trend,
what on earth is keeping you?
Oh, the cab?
You'll pay for that.
I don't wanna break a hundred.
(CHORTLING)
(SIZZLING)
FARON: Take your bag, sir?
(CHUCKLING)
No muss, no fuss.
Leave the bagging to us.
(TUNELESS HUMMING)
(PLANT POT SMASHING)
Spies above, hmm?
Lady, you ain't seen nothin'...
yet!
- (RAUCOUS LAUGH)
(STEAM TRAIN SOUND)
(YELLING)
(LOUD COLLISION)
(MUTTERING)
- (CRACKING KNUCKLES)
- Put up your dukes.
(GROWLING)
What mother son's raisin'
all that ruckus out here?
(HEAVY THUD)
(CRACKLING)
(INTERMITTENT BUZZING)
(GUTTURAL MUTTERING)
(WHIMPERING)
(MUTTERING OUTSIDE)
Oh, this?
Like that!
(HELENE SCREAMING)
(UP-TEMPO JAZZ NUMBER)
Victor, you're a very nice guy.
(LAUGHING)
And I appreciate what you
tried to do for me tonight,
but this is one woman who
can take care of herself.
COMPÈRE: Haha! Let's have a big round
of applause for Johnny and the boys.
Vic?
Would you lend me
thirty-six dollars?
Sure!
If I had thirty-six dollars.
(CHUCKLING)
I don't usually walk around
with that much money on me.
So where on earth am I
gonna get thirty-six dollars?
- COMPÈRE: Ladies and gentlemen!
- (DRUM ROLL AND CYMBAL CRASH)
The winners of tonight's
Rialto Dance Riot will receive
thirty-six dollars!
Play, Johnny!
(APPLAUSE)
And one, two,
one-two-three-four.
(LIVELY DANCE NUMBER)
(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)
(MAN COUGHING)
(RASPING SOUND OUTSIDE)
(WHIMPERING)
(YELLING)
(WHIRRING)
"Woman found torn limb from
limb in West Side apartment.
"Film at eleven."
(SPLINTERING)
WOMAN:
Operator.
Police.
It's an emergency.
Oh, please help me!
There's a man, and...
Ah! Um, well...
Ah, you see, my husband
went across the street... and... oh!
Well, before that,
I'd seen Mr. Odegard,
I'd seen him working late, and I...
- (HELENE WHIMPERING)
- (LAUGHING)
(CRASHING)
(LAUGHING)
FARON:
I'm gonna tear out your...
(CLANGING)
(TUNEFUL CLONKING)
(BIRDS TWEETING)
FARON:
Where am I?
Oh, yeah.
(CLANGING)
- (GRUNTING)
- (TEARING)
(CARPET TACKS PINGING)
(RUMBLING)
(TACKS PINGING)
(HISSING)
(CLATTERING)
FARON:
San Francisco!
Come to poppa, sweetheart.
(LAUGHING)
(HELENE YELLING)
(GLASS BREAKING)
(FARON LAUGHING)
Oh, playin' hard to get, huh?
I like it that way.
Okay, hmm.
Help! Help! Help! Help! Help!
(MAN WHISTLING A TUNE)
(HELENE GROANING)
(MUFFLED CRIES)
Drop her, you little punk.
(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)
I'm gonna kick your ass.
Buckwheat, I's gonna
give you an advantage.
Take your last good look at
God's sweet earth, mister.
'Cause you's about to meet
the bein' what made it!
(DOOR SLAMMING)
HELENE:
Mr. Yarman?
Quiet down, Mrs. Trend.
There's but one way
to catch a rat in the dark.
You wait.
Rat, he just gotta show
you his pink little eyes.
(FARON GRUNTING)
(CRASHING)
(FARON GROWLING)
(CRASHING)
FARON: Ya can't seem
to catch this rat!
(LAUGHING)
I'll get ya.
Rat ain't been made what
can get away from Mr. Yarman.
- (FARON GROWLING)
- (CRASHING)
See?
It's a long road
that's got no end.
FARON: To catch a rat,
you gotta find him first.
Right!
FARON: And rats like me
are hard to find.
Bon voyage, sucker!
(SCREAMING)
(GLASS SHATTERING)
WOMAN:
Oh, honey, look at that man!
MAN:
Better not get involved.
(GIGGLING)
(LAUGHING)
Hey, what's so funny? Why don't
you share it with the rest of us?
(CACKLING)
Ah, go on!
- WOMAN: Taxi!
- MAN: Where to?
(BUZZING)
WOMAN: ...a terrible bore,
and a dreadful dancer.
MAN: Oh, honey,
you're just a little bombed.
(SPEAKING CHINESE)
Merci beaucoup!
(SIGHING)
(OSTENTATIOUS CHUCKLING)
Some night, huh?
"Some night"?
It couldn't've
possibly been worse.
I almost get run over,
lose a dance contest...
(CHUCKLING)
Get stood up by a heel,
and spend most of the
evening washing dishes
to pay for a good time
I didn't have!
It couldn't possibly
have been worse.
You met me, didn't ya?
Exactly.
I think things could
have been a lot worse.
(VEHICLE APPROACHING)
(LOUD SPLAT)
Look at the bright side.
You and your bright side?
There is no bright side.
You're not being rational, Nancy.
Of course there's a bright side!
No bright side.
No bright side.
No... bright... side!
(YELLING)
No bright side!
Nancy, I'm going to pretend
I didn't hear that.
Oh!
(SOBBING)
I can take care of myself!
Of course you can, Nancy,
but taking care of each other,
that's what's important.
Who are you?
You're ruining my day.
What'd I do?
(DOG GROWLING)
- What's all that noise?
- (DOG BARKING)
DISPATCHER: Car 9. Car 9.
Report to Watchtower Apartments.
Domestic squabble.
That is all.
(SIREN BLARING)
(MUTTERING)
Come on, you...
Who are you, anyway?
(PINGING)
(NECK CRACKING)
(SIREN BLARING)
(BRAKES SQUEALING)
- (BANGING LIFT DOOR)
- Come on! Come on!
(BRAKES SQUEALING)
- Come on, already!
- (THUMPING)
Come on!
God!
(SHOE LEATHER CREAKING)
Use the elevator!
Come on!
Hey!
- (TWANGING)
- Ow!
I'm Captain of this elevator,
and we are stoppin'
at every floor.
(CRASHING)
Whoa!
Nancy, once we get you back in
your apartment, and all cleaned up,
you'll feel like a million bucks.
Here we go!
Whoa!
(BOTH YELLING)
(BOTH YELLING)
- Arthur?
- Faron?
Look out!
Hmm...
(SHOE LEATHER CREAKING)
Hmm...
Okay, Nancy,
my eyes are closed.
You can hand me
that dress now.
Can I open my eyes yet?
- NANCY: Not yet.
- (MIMICKING NANCY): Not yet.
(CHUCKLING)
NANCY:
Behind you.
Open up, please.
It's the police.
(LIFT PINGING)
COP:
Where'd you get the negro, Butch?
Elevator.
What kind of paranoid schizo
could kill a man in cold blood,
and then jelly up his
face with shaving cream?
My dad!
Son?
(CHUCKLING)
NANCY:
Aah...
Ooh...
I don't know what I ever saw
in that heel in the first place.
(RIPPING CLOTH)
Oh, he's not such a bad
guy, just a little confused.
Am I confused, too, Vic?
No, Nancy, I think your
emotions are wonderful.
I wish I could be as
expressive as you.
You were so free when ya
kissed me in the restaurant...
and when you slapped me.
I think you're wonderful.
(GULPING)
I...
have to get some more
Sudzo for that dress.
I'll be right back.
(FLOORBOARD CREAKING)
Vic?
(MIMICKING VIC)
Mm-hmm?
I've just been thinking
about what you said,
and it's very sweet,
but the truth is...
I haven't been completely honest
with my feelings about you.
Thank you for helping me tonight.
No problem.
Of all the men I've known,
none of them would have done
what you did for me tonight.
Gosh.
I just want you to know...
I think you're a very wonderful,
and a very special person.
(HIS OWN VOICE) It's not often
I get a chance to meet a girl like you.
(MUFFLED SCREAM)
Nancy!
Where are you?
Freshening...
(COUGHING)
(MIMICKING NANCY)
Freshening up!
Sounds like that congestion's
moving to your throat.
Listen, I just saw
Mrs. Ellroy in the hall,
and she said that there are
a couple of maniacs running around
with forks in their noses,
and she's concerned,
because she hasn't seen
Jack or Jack junior for, er...
for quite a while.
ARTHUR:
Gracious.
Yeah, it sounds like they're
a couple of real sickos.
Do you hear that?
There's a couple of maniacs
running loose out there.
Oh, God.
VIC: I know you can
take care of yourself,
but, er... I just thought
I oughta pass it along.
Well, tonight certainly has been
rough on you! (CHUCKLING)
But, I... I just...
have to tell ya, Nancy, for me...
it's been the most
wonderful night of my life.
(SHATTERING)
It probably sounds funny
to a girl like you,
Who's met lots of
swell guys, and...
I know that'll sound funny to a...
a girl like you who's...
who's met lots of swell guys,
and had lots of wonderful evenings.
But, I never met a girl
like you before...
But I... I've never met a girl
like you before...
What a turkey!
I know
I don't deserve you,
but I just had to
tell you how I felt,
before I...
walked out of your life...
forever...
Take a hike, pal.
You could tell me to stay,
if you wanted to.
But, if you don't...
I'll understand.
I understand.
(DOOR CLOSING)
I think he's gone.
Listen, I just have to get a chance
to tell you before we go.
I really love your décor.
It's a terrific place you got here.
(SNIFFING)
Oh, golly gee, your hair
really smells terrific.
Ya know, I don't get a chance
to talk to people that much at all,
especially girls like you,
ya know.
When I was in school,
my mom used to
never let me talk to anybody,
ya know. And I hated my mom.
That's why I got into
the rodent business, ya know.
Every time I kill one of
those guys, ya know,
I see my mom in
their face, ya know...
I never had a chance.
'Cause, you know, I'm, like,
a product of the sixties.
Ya know, Vietnam, napalm,
"LBJ all the way".
Ya know, Kent State,
pay the price, Soul on Ice...
- (CLANG)
- (FARON GROANING)
- Mrs. Trend?
- Mmm-mm! Mmm!
You better get back
to your apartment.
There are a couple of maniacs
loose in this building.
FARON:
"Maniac", huh?
(SCREECHING)
I told you never to call me that!
(HEAVY THUD)
Arthur!
Do you have a rodent problem?
Hey, Arthur.
Every man for himself!
Faron!
(LOCKING DOOR)
FARON:
Ready or not, here I come!
- (CRASHING)
- (GROANING)
Come back here!
(SCREAMING)
Hey, baby. Why don'tcha
come on over to my pad?
We'll have a scotch and sofa!
(RAUCOUS LAUGHTER)
- (HARD SLAP)
- You heel!
So, I'm a heel.
So, what of it?
I'm not such a bad guy.
Or am I?
Huh?
(RAUCOUS LAUGHTER)
(CLANGING)
Pardon me.
Ernest! Help!
DRIVER:
Watch it, fatso!
Get out of the way!
(ALARM BELL RINGING)
Avon calling!
I'll get ya!
(CLANGING)
(CREAKING)
Oh!
- (CLATTERING)
- (GROANING)
(CLATTERING)
(LAUGHING)
I got ya!
- HELENE: Oh, my God!
- MAN: Yo, load 'em up!
Let's see, the 2:40 will get me in
at 5:15, and the 3:15 will get me...
(LIFT PINGING)
WOMAN:
Stop this nonsense immediately!
Put her down this instant,
you filthy little man!
Who's gonna stop me,
you old bat?
You and those fag dogs?
That's right!
(SNARLING)
(SCREAMING)
(TEARING)
(SCREAMING)
(WIND HOWLING)
(SCREAMING)
FARON: Hey, where ya goin'?
The night is young.
(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)
Hey, you little witch!
Stop her, Faron!
I'll get the truck!
(SCREAMING)
(PANTING)
(WHIMPERING)
(KEYS JANGLING)
FARON:
Let me in!
(ENGINE STARTING)
(SCREAMING)
FARON:
Okay, no more Mr. Nice Guy.
(ENGINE SPUTTERING)
(ENGINE REVVING)
(GLASS SHATTERING)
FARON:
Goin' my way, sweetheart?
(FARON YELLING)
Women drivers.
- Faron, are you okay?
- Get in the truck, idiot.
Look what they did to me.
Oh, I wanna...
I'm gonna get you!
Oh, I hate animals.
Nancy!
What's the trouble, son?
Some maniacs are after my girl,
and I wonder if you'd
let me take your...
Do you love her, son?
(WHOOSHING)
Yes, sir. I reckon I do.
She sticks a little in third.
I don't claim to know a whole
lot about the grand design...
but those fellows are gonna
suck on some abuse!
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
(TUNELESS SINGING)
FARON:
Arthur, go ahead, go on.
Oh, no.
Oh, no, you don't.
FARON:
Go ahead, take one.
ARTHUR: No, no,
I know you don't mean it.
Arthur, I'm tellin' ya it's okay.
Yeah?
- Go on.
- Okay...
(CRUNCHING)
- (ARTHUR SCREAMING)
- (FARON LAUGHING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(ENGINE REVVING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(GASPING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
It's all right,
I'll get away from him.
(NANCY WHIMPERING)
FARON:
Rammin' speed!
(CRASHING)
Ram two!
(SCREAMING)
- Go get her.
- Okay.
Yeehah!
(ARTHUR CACKLING)
(SCREAMING)
(BRAKES SQUEALING)
(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)
(GLASS SHATTERING)
(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)
DRIVER: ♪ Get along, little doggy,
and come home to me ♪
Beat it!
Get out of the way!
FARON:
Asshole!
(LAUGHING)
(GASPING)
NANCY:
Victor! Help!
I'm coming, Nancy!
Make way for Victor Ajax!
Why, you...
(SCREECHING)
You're under citizen's arrest, fella!
Oh, yeah? Here!
(HEAVY THUD)
The eye.
That does it!
Taste justice!
(HEAVY THWACKS)
FARON:
I'm comin', Arthur!
(VIC YELLING)
NANCY:
Hold on!
(VIC YELLING)
Should I stop?
Not just yet!
(THWACK)
(CRUNCHING)
(CACKLING)
- (THWACK)
- (ARTHUR SCREECHING)
(SCREECHING)
(BUZZING)
VIC: Nancy!
I feel like a wishbone!
I'm bein' split in two!
- Victor, jump!
- What?
Jump off!
Jump off!
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Why, those guys!
I only borrowed that car!
- Hey, Vic?
- Huh?
(THWACK)
(YELLING)
FARON: Go on, go get him, Arthur.
He's over there!
Tally-ho!
(THWACK)
ARTHUR:
Let go! Let go!
All right, buster!
Whoa!
Whoooa!
(REPEATED HEAVY THUDS)
ARTHUR:
Here's one for my boot!
Here's one for the Dodge!
Here's one for the rat!
Ow!
Whoa!
FARON: Arthur, are you
all right up there?
Look out for that overpass!
There's no...
(VIC YELLING)
Surprise, surprise!
(CRACKLING)
- (WHIRRING)
- VIC: Uh-oh!
How do you want it, Vic?
Medium, or well done?
(CACKLING)
Kill him, Arthur! Kill him!
- Look out!
- Nancy!
(ARTHUR SCREECHING)
You broke my shocker.
Mister, you've done
some bad things,
and I'm gonna deal out
some swift justice!
- This one's for bothering my girl!
- Ow!
This one's for giving me this!
Ow!
This one's for ruining my date!
(HOWLING)
And here's one for all
the folks everywhere!
Okay, son, I give up.
Please don't hit me again
with that baseball bat.
I realise what I did was wrong,
and... well...
I'm... I'm sorry.
Sometimes, "sorry" isn't good enough.
Wait! From now on,
I'll be good.
I swear it's the truth.
Just one more chance.
- Well...
- Please?
Friend?
Pal?
All right,
but just this once.
Put 'er there, buddy!
(REPEATED CLONKING)
Knock his brains out!
(SCREAMING)
Well, it looks like the end
of the road for you, Vic.
Don't look now, but...
here comes an overpass!
(GIGGLING)
You really tear me up, Vic.
Can I call you Vic?
I mean, that's the difference
between me and you.
That's why you're down there,
and I'm up here.
You see, Vic...
you believe in people,
and I don't.
That's why I'm gonna bash
your stinkin' little skull...
(RESOUNDING THUD)
Arthur?
Arthur!
Why, you little...
(METAL SCRAPING)
- (VIC YELLING)
- (NANCY SCREAMING)
(CREAKING)
(WHIMPERING)
(FARON YELLING)
(GROANING)
NANCY:
Victor!
Nancy!
Victor! Save me!
(SCREAMING)
Nancy!
I got ya, Nancy!
FARON:
Not so fast!
- (SCREAMING)
- (FARON LAUGHING)
VIC: You can still
put a stop to this.
I certainly intend to!
Oh, this is a nightmare!
And away we go!
(CRACKLING)
- (EXPLOSION)
- (VIC YELLING)
(FARON GRUNTING)
(METAL TEARING)
(SCREAMING)
Victor, help me!
It's going over!
Please! Hurry!
VIC:
I'm coming, Nancy!
- (GLASS SHATTERING)
- (SCREAMING)
VIC: Hold on, kid!
We're almost there!
FARON:
You wanna play rough, eh?
Let's go!
Eat guard rail, fatso!
Fatso? I'll...
Here I come!
(LAUGHING)
You're goin' for a swim!
(CLASHING)
(SCREAMING)
(YELLING)
FARON:
Now it's your turn, toots!
(CREAKING)
(SCREAMING)
(CREAKING)
(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)
(SCREAMING)
Geronimo!
(SUDDEN CREAKING)
(POPPING)
VIC:
Nancy!
Nancy, jump!
(POPPING)
Nancy, jump!
I can't make it!
You can make it!
It's too far!
Come to me, Nancy!
(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)
Nancy! Jump!
(SCREAMING)
Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa!
VIC:
Hold on! Hold on!
Oh, are you all right?
Oh, N... Nancy, please...
Oh! Oh!
Okay! Oh! Oh!
Oh, not the ear! Oh!
Aaargh!
(NANCY SCREAMING)
Hold on, Nancy!
Oh, goodness. Oh, my goodness.
Oh, are you all right?
Oh, no! Not the eye!
(CRUNCHING)
(GLASS SHATTERING)
Who were those guys, anyway?
Oh, gee...
- I don't know.
- I mean, where'd they come from?
- I can't believe it.
- I... I...
- Well, how'd they get you?
- Are you okay?
Nancy, I came into your room,
and I thought you didn't
care about me.
Oh, Vic, I do care!
You saved...
- (CREAKING)
- (YELLING)
(SCREAMING)
(CRACKLING)
And then I hit the water.
So, you see,
I'm practically a hero.
Oh, thanks.
So, if it hadn't been for me,
there's no telling how many people
those maniacs might've killed.
Tell it to Saint Peter!
Saint Peter?
Oh yeah, that's a good one!
(LAUGHING)
But seriously, if you
can just find Nancy,
she'd prove everything
I've told you.
Nancy, Nancy.
You probably killed her
just like all the others.
She's alive, I tell ya.
She was on the bridge.
I don't know what
happened to her,
but maybe if you ran a
picture of her in the paper?
Ah, sure, yeah!
We'll run a picture of her.
- Yeah!
- Yeah.
- Next to your obit.
- (BOTH LAUGHING)
Yeah! Next to my...
(FALLING SILENT)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
VOICES:
♪ Hallelujah!
♪ Hallelujah! ♪
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(TICKING)
VIC:
Well, I've still got five minutes.
(CHUCKLING)
(GASPING)
(CHUCKLING)
(TICKING)
(WHIRRING)
Hold it! Hold it!
It's the Governor.
Am I too late?
No, Governor.
GOVERNOR:
Oh, thank God.
I didn't want to miss this.
VOICES:
♪ Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! ♪
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(CRACKING KNUCKLES)
EXECUTIONER:
Sayonara!
NANCY:
Wait!
(GASPING)
That man is innocent!
Nancy!
(ALL GASPING)
Ah, come on!
Victor, darling, I had no idea.
When you fell off that bridge,
I thought you were dead.
I wandered for days.
What were you
wondering about?
And then, these good
sisters took me in.
Hi, I'm Vic.
NANCY: I was about to take
my vow of eternal silence,
when I read about this horrible
mistake in the newspapers.
(SIMPERING)
I heard she's lyin'.
Can you good sisters corroborate
this young lady's story?
(SILENCE)
They can't speak!
They've taken their vow
of eternal silence.
Too bad!
(SNAPPING FINGERS)
Right!
(GASPING)
(CREAKING)
(SCREAMING)
She likes me!
(GIGGLING)
(CHORTLING)
MAN: ♪ Don't have much savvy
in the ways of the world
♪ I don't know much about
impressin' a girl ♪
♪ I just know
you set my head in a whirl ♪
♪ Won't ya be my sweetheart, honey? ♪
COUPLE:
♪ We go together like rats in a pack ♪
♪ Lunch in a sack ♪
♪ Like knick-a-knack Paddywack ♪
♪ Give the dog a bone ♪
♪ I wanna come home to ya, honey-bop ♪
WOMAN: ♪ I thought I knew
about the way things should be ♪
♪ I was a woman
who could take care of me ♪
♪ And then you came along
and set my heart free ♪
♪ Won't ya be my sweetheart, honey? ♪
COUPLE:
♪ We go together like rats in a pack ♪
♪ Lunch in a sack ♪
♪ Like knick-a-knack Paddywack ♪
♪ Give the dog a bone ♪
♪ I wanna come home to ya, honey-bop ♪
MAN: ♪ I know I'm missin' some
in savoir-faire ♪
♪ I'll make it up
in small appliance repair ♪
♪ My heart is hummin'
like a new Frigidaire ♪
♪ Won't ya be my sweetheart, honey? ♪
COUPLE:
♪ We go together like rats in a pack ♪
♪ Lunch in a sack ♪
♪ Like knick-a-knack Paddywack ♪
♪ Give the dog a bone ♪
♪ I wanna come home to ya, honey-bop ♪
WOMAN: ♪ I And though you
may be just an average Joe ♪
♪ Perhaps a little bit
a nebbish and schmoe ♪
♪ I can't believe
you really make my heart go ♪
♪ Won't ya be my sweetheart, honey? ♪
COUPLE:
♪ We go together like rats in a pack ♪
♪ Lunch in a sack ♪
♪ Like knick-a-knack Paddywack ♪
♪ Give the dog a bone ♪
♪ I wanna come home to ya, honey-bop ♪
MAN: ♪ We'll buy a house
in New Rochelle right away ♪
WOMAN:
♪ I'll make a tuna casserole every day ♪
COUPLE:
♪ Soon you'll find us at the PTA ♪
♪ Won't it all be lovely, honey? ♪
♪ We go together like rats in a pack ♪
♪ Lunch in a sack ♪
♪ Like knick-a-knack Paddywack ♪
♪ Give the dog a bone ♪
♪ I wanna come home to ya, honey-bop ♪
MAN:
♪ We go together like rats in a pack ♪
♪ Satisfaction guaranteed
or double your money back ♪
COUPLE:
♪ We go together like rats in a pack ♪
♪ Satisfaction guaranteed
or double your money back ♪
ALL: ♪ We go together like... rats in a pack ♪
- COUPLE: ♪ Satisfaction guaranteed ♪
- FARON: ♪ Save some dough ♪
- COUPLE: ♪ Or double your money back ♪
- FARON: ♪ On a two-for-one sale ♪
ALL: ♪ We go together like... rats in a pack ♪
- COUPLE: ♪ Satisfaction guaranteed ♪
- FARON: ♪ Save some dough ♪
- COUPLE: ♪ Or double your money back... ♪
- FARON: ♪ On a two-for-one sale... ♪
(DESOLATE WIND)
(THUMPING)
HELENE: Hey! Hey!
Is anybody out there?