Crime on Their Hands (1948) - full transcript

The stooges are janitors working in a newspaper office. When an anonymous caller phones in a tip about the theft a famous diamond, the boys decide to become reporters and go after the crooks. They find the crooks, but Shemp accidentally swallows the diamond which was hidden in a bowl of candy. The crooks want to cut the diamond out, but the boys foil them with the help of a friendly gorilla.

[♪]

The Punjab Diamond, kiddies.

Fourth largest diamond

in the world.

And it's all ours.

What a hunk of ice.

Yeah, hot ice, baby.

Hotter than the lid

of a pot-bellied stove.

Hey, Dapper,

when do I get the--?

I said the rock was hot,

didn't I?

We're not pedaling this till

things cool off a little.

Oh, no you don't. You said

I'd get my dough tonight.

Hey, why you--

Smack me, will you?

Double-cross me, will you?

You ain't heard the end of this,

big shot. I'll get mine.

And believe me,

you'll get yours.

CAMERON:

Well, men, this will

be a tough assignment.

Do you think

you can cover it?

MOE:

Yes, sir.

Beat up pretty bad,

Mr. Cameron, but we'll cover it.

When we put it back

on your chair,

you'll think

you got a new seat.

Good, and make it snappy,

will you?

Oh, I'll be back

in half an hour.

This story's liable to break

wide open any minute.

MOE:

"Punjab Diamond stolen."

"Daring bandits raid

muh-seum in daylight."

"Museum."

Museum.

Ain't that something?

Inside job?

It could be.

Anyway, I'm putting every

available man on the job.

Oh, boss, how about trying

us out as reporters?

Yeah, news hawks.

That's our dish.

Tear out the front page.

Stand by for a scoop.

Stop the presses.

Copy boy, copy boy,

stop the presses.

[CRUNCHING]

[GROANS]

Moe, Moe, stop the presses.

Now, behave.

What do you say, boss?

Will you give us a break?

Well, um, you boys see me

after a while, will you?

I'm going out and grab

a bite of supper.

Okay. Get busy.

Go ahead. Go ahead.

Uh-huh.

Clean this mess up.

Oh.

Go on, you...

Ooh. Ow.

Ooh. Ow.

Oh, Moe, I'm sorry.

Ooh, oh, oh.

Now, I'm sorrier.

How do you feel?

You look like a bird

in a gilded cage.

[PHONE RINGING]

Yeah?

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello.

Yeah, this is the Gazette. Huh?

If you want some dope

on the Punjab Diamond,

go to Squid McGuffey's Café.

There's a guy named Dapper.

[GUNSHOT]

[GUNSHOT]

Hello? Hello? Hello?

Hello.

You know what that was?

A hot tip

on the Punjab Diamond.

Boy, will Cameron

be tickled to get this.

"Go to Squid McGuffey's Café.

Ask for Dapper."

Hey, that's a scoop, fellas.

Now's our big chance.

You know, porcupine,

for a guy without brains,

you're a genius.

If we get this story,

the boss has gotta

give us a break.

Oh, boy, I'm a reporter.

Tear out the front page.

Stand by for a scoop.

Stop the presses.

Stop the presses.

Okay, kid.

Okay, you're a reporter,

but remember:

I'm the boss.

In the movies, the reporter

always talks back to the boss.

[AS REPORTER]

Now, listen,

you glass-eyed baboon,

I'm the best reporter

you've got,

and you know it.

You been shoving me around

long enough,

doing dirty work

for this paper,

but I ain't gonna

take it anymore.

I quit.

See? I quit.

And what are you

gonna do about it?

Get out of here.

Oh. Oh.

Say, you didn't by any chance

see that picture too?

No, chief.

I'll take orders, chief.

Okay.

That's for absolutely nothing.

Hey, press badges.

That makes it official.

Now we're real reporters.

Okay, let's get

on the job, chief.

Say, you got

your press badge?

Okay, on the scoop.

ALL:

Scoop.

MOE:

Right.

[RINGING]

Hello. Yes?

Yes? Yes? No. No.

Who was it?

Wrong number.

Get out of here.

[CRASHING]

I ought to slap on

a 10 cent cover charge

to keep out the riffraff.

What goes on?

[SNORTING]

Here you are,

Harold old boy.

Supper.

Mind your manners,

there, Harold.

You're not in the jungles now,

you know.

[HAROLD GROWLS]

Hawkins, what's that monkey

doing in here?

I brung him from Africa,

Mr. Squid.

A circus will pay

a pretty penny

for the likes of him,

they would.

Well, you better close

your deal tonight.

That killer ain't staying

in my place.

He ain't no killer.

He's just as gentle

as a little kitten.

Ah...

Boy, what a dive.

I wonder which one

of these guys is Dapper.

Nobody looks dapper

in here.

We'll snoop around the joint

till we find him.

Anybody wants to turn back,

now is the time.

Oh, deserters, eh?

Come on, boys,

put on a bold front.

Act tough.

Hey, are you Dapper?

Are you?

Ow!

[CRASHING]

Uh-uh. Glasses.

Yeah, you can't hit

a man with glasses.

Come on.

Oh. Here.

Pardon me, mister,

we're looking for a guy

called Dapper.

Never heard of him.

Who are you?

Now, he's in here

somewhere,

do you mind

if we look around?

No, help yourself.

Thanks.

Boss, them cops are heading

for the back room.

Don't lose your head.

Give Bea the high sign.

[ALARM BUZZING]

There's nobody home here.

Nobody home here, either.

Boy, was I mistaken.

Just a minute.

How dare you?

Take it easy, sister.

We're looking for a guy

named Dapper.

Dapper?

I never heard of him.

I'm all alone.

Good.

I mean,

we'll check on that.

Look everywhere, men.

Keep your mind

on your business.

You too.

Use a fine-toothed comb.

I haven't

got a comb.

Will a wire brush do?

Why, fine.

Oh. Oh.

[GROANING]

Hey, fellas.

Hey, fellas, look.

"D," that stands for Dapper.

That's my

cigarette case.

Just a minute.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, boy, evidence.

Let's weigh it.

Let's smoke it.

Quiet.

Sister, you ain't

fooling nobody.

We're camping right here

till Dapper shows up.

Woo.

He-- He thinks I'm lying.

Any half-wit can see

I'm telling the truth.

Yeah, I can see

you're telling the truth.

BEA:

Oh, I feel so awful.

I've never been

in trouble before.

But why should you suspect me

of harboring a common criminal?

With oranges,

it's much harder.

[BELCHES]

[CRIES OUT]

She's fainted.

Fellas, help.

Do something.

Look out.

Get some water, quick.

What happened, kid?

She must have got

a good look at you.

Come on, sister.

Here's the water.

Oh, thanks.

How do you like that?

You all right, kid?

Oh, yes.

It's just that you

policemen frighten me so.

Policemen?

But we ain't cops, lady.

We're reporters.

Reporters?

Yeah, this is our

first assignment.

And your last.

STOOGES:

Ooh.

Muscles.

Dapper.

Well, what gives?

Boys, meet the press.

These guys

ain't detectives,

they're reporters.

Reporters?

How fascinating.

Yeah, and this nitwit

swallowed the diamond.

Me?

That last mint was it.

Well, scoop,

are you gonna give it back,

or do we get

it the hard way?

Oh, boss,

let me finish him.

I love to rub out

reporters.

Give me room, will you?

Give me room.

I'll give it to ya.

[COUGHING]

Holding out on us, huh?

Cough it up.

Cough it up.

Hold it.

Hold it.

Maybe you boys have some

influence with your friend.

I'll give you five minutes

to get that rock.

Five minutes or we'll

cut it out of him.

Wait a minute.

We'll handle this.

Give it to them,

you fool.

I would if I could,

but I can't.

You want 'em to slice you

up like a watermelon?

Let me try it again,

will you?

Go ahead.

[COUGHING]

[SQUEALS]

Come on, you.

Oh!

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Wait a minute.

We ain't getting

no place.

He's just being stubborn.

I got a better idea.

[GROANS]

Now you're getting smart.

Open your mouth.

[CRIES OUT]

Oh.

[GAGGING]

[GEARS CRANKING]

[CRANKING]

SHEMP:

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

[CRANKING]

Must be caught

on something.

LARRY:

Maybe it's his appendix.

We'll soon find out.

You got a longer

one of these things?

[GASPS]

Wait a minute.

Not even a tonsil.

And now I'll try.

Gentlemen, I, uh-- I think

this calls for an operation.

No, no, not that.

Sorry, boys.

This way, right in there.

Thanks, darling.

You better wait outside.

This is no place

for a weak stomach.

I got a weak stomach.

All right, Muscles,

let's get to work.

The desk.

No, no, please,

cut it out.

"Cut it out."

That's just we're gonna.

Oh.

[MUFFLED SHOUTING]

Hey, they're killing him.

We gotta get out of here.

We're trapped like rats.

Speak for yourself.

Oh.

MOE:

Oh, boy. Where'd you

get the tools?

On the head.

Good.

A saw.

A turner-arounder.

We'll go out that way

and call the cops.

Get busy.

Right.

[MUFFLED SPEECH]

DAPPER:

Now, now, just relax, sonny boy.

It'll all be over

in a minute.

Okay, out of the way.

Ooh.

Pardon me.

Get out of my way,

will ya?

[GRUNTS]

We'll be safe

in a minute.

Struck a snag.

Hey, Moe, Moe.

How is it,

pretty tough?

Yeah.

Take over.

Come on, kid.

I think we can make it.

You go ahead.

I'll take a weapon.

Right.

[GROWLS]

[CRIES OUT]

You dummy, you.

I know.

Go on.

Do as you're told.

Ya-ah-ah.

Ya-ah-ah-ah!

[CRIES OUT]

Moe, there's a--

Quiet.

There's a big thing.

Listen. Listen, you.

Yeah?

You afraid to go by yourself?

Yeah.

All right,

I'll take you by the hand--

Yeah, yeah.

--little boy.

LARRY:

Look, Moe,

you gotta listen to me.

Come on. How do you like

this guy? Too scared--

[BOTH CRY OUT]

[DINGS]

The rock should be around

here someplace.

It better be.

[DINGS]

[CLINKS]

There it is.

Good.

Hey. Ain't you even gonna

put him to sleep?

You're gonna

get technical, eh?

In the closet.

[MUFFLED SPEECH]

[CLINKS]

Yeah, that's it.

[SNORTS]

Give me the whetstone.

[MUFFLED SPEECH]

Now, now, relax.

This isn't going

to hurt you at all.

Ha.

Well, okay.

Anesthetic.

[MUFFLED SPEECH]

Come on. Come on.

Give it to me.

Hey, what--

[GROANS]

Muscles.

Muscles.

Get away from me. I'll--

I'll let you have it.

Hey, Muscles,

get this beast off of me.

Hey.

[CRIES OUT]

[WHIMPERING]

[SNARLS]

[SNARLS]

[BUTTON CLATTERS]

Hey, doc, how's about

talking this over?

[SNARLS]

Moe! Larry!

Oh, oh, Moe, Moe!

Hit the lock.

Hit the lock.

Hit the lock.

All right.

Oh!

Oh, I'm sorry.

That look like a lock?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Oh.

[SNARLS]

[SNARLS]

DAPPER:

Look out!

[BOTH SHOUTING]]

[CRIES OUT]

Come on, come on.

I got your message, boys.

Come on.

They're in there.

And they're murdering our pal.

What? Come on.

Dapper Malone.

Fifty carats.

What an ice cube.

The Punjab Diamond.

Great work.

Did you knock these

crooks out all by yourself?

That I did, boss.

That I did.

I helped.

My buddy.

[♪]