Creepshow 2 (1987) - full transcript
"Creepshow 2" is divided into three stories, conducted by a leading segment where a boy that loves the horror comic book Creepshow buys seeds of carnivorous plant and is bullied by four teenagers. Meanwhile the Creep tells the tales of Creepshow: (1) "Old Chief Wood'nhead" - The elders Ray (George Kennedy) and Martha Spruce (Dorothy Lamour) have lived their whole life and raised their family with their small store in an Arizona town. Now the town is economically decadent and Ray gives credit to his costumers including the Indians of Ben Whitemoon's tribe. When Ray is repairing the wooden statue of an old chief in the front door, Ben (Frank Salsedo) arrives and asks him to keep the jewels of his tribe as a guarantee for their debts. However, Ben's nephew Sam (Holt McCallany) unexpectedly arrives with two other punks to steal Ray, and he kills the elders. They expect to travel to Hollywood, but the Old Chief Wood'nhead will not let them go. (2) "The Raft" - The teenagers Deke (Paul Satterfield) and Randy (Daniel Beer) travel with Laverne (Jeremy Green) and Rachel (Page Hannah) to a lake expecting to smoke weed, swim and get laid. They swim to a raft that is floating in the middle of the lake, but they discover a carnivorous blob in the lake that is hungry. (3) "The Hitchhiker" - In Maine, the unfaithful Annie Lansing (Lois Chiles) stays too long having sex with her escort and is late to meet her husband in the airport. She drives her Mercedes Bens in a hurry and loses control on the road. Annie runs over a hitchhiker, but she does not help the man and hit-and-run, questioning whether she can live with the situation. She discovers that the hitchhiker will not leave her.
(Bell tolling)
(Man laughing)
(Cackling)
I've never seen anyone so impatient, Billy.
As if your life depended on
getting the first copy off the presses.
(Cackling)
Aaah!
(Screeching)
(Cackling)
(Screeches)
(Thunder crashes)
(Thunder crashes)
(Booming voice) Welcome, kiddies...
to another edition of Creepshow.
It's amazing that you boors and ghouls
keep coming back for more.
You must be gluttons for punishment, eh?
(Guffaws)
Well... (Chuckles)
I guess you bloodsuckers
enjoy being repulsed, eh?
You're loyal to the gore.
Well, that's good.
We don't want any dead wood
in our fraternity of fright fairs
that just happens to be the subject
of our first nauseating novella,
a nasty little bonecracker titled
Old Chief Wood'nhead.
- (Dog barking)
- (Creep chuckles)
(Hammering on metal)
(Engine humming)
# Jimmy cracked corn and I don't care
# Jimmy cracked corn and I don't care
# Jimmy cracked corn and I don't care
# As long as I'm drinking
Jimmy's crack corn #
(Laughs)
Now, you stop that grinning. You've heard
me sing that silly song a thousand times.
Yeah, it's time for a touch-up, my old friend.
The sun's bleachin' out your colours again.
Now, I'm gonna try and keep
my hands steady.
But I ain't what I used to be.
There.
That ain't too bad. That ain't too bad at all.
We've got to keep your war paint fresh.
A big chief without war paint
is like...is like..
Like a storekeeper without a town
to sell his goods to.
Martha, me and the Chief been standing
on this porch for 30 years.
- We ain't about to move now.
- (She scoffs)
I'm not asking you to move, Ray.
I wouldn't want to move myself.
Well, what are you asking, Martha?
What do you want me to do?
I want you to quit, Ray. Just quit.
(Ray) Quit?
- You mean close the store.
- (Martha) Yes.
While you still have time left
to get something out of life
instead of always putting in.
Martha...
This store...made it possible
for us to get married.
This store sent the girls off to school.
This store has given us the savings
to give to our grandchildren.
This store, Ray, at one time,
sat in the middle of a thriving young town,
which seemed to have a future to it.
Look at it now.
The town of Dead River is
finally living up to its name.
It's dead, Ray.
The jobs have moved away,
the money has moved away...
Ray, it's been four days since you've had
a cash-paying customer.
It's been four weeks since anyone gave you
any money on a credit account.
(Sighs) If you keep supporting these people,
we won't have anything to leave
to the grandchildren,
except good intentions.
Well, there's worse things to inherit...
than good intentions, Martha.
- Good intentions built this country.
- Good intentions tore this country down.
They're beginning to tear you down.
Do you think these people care about you?
They'll take your charity until it dries up
and then they'll leave you.
You and...that wooden lndian of yours.
I won't dry us up, Martha.
I promise you that.
It's just that we took a lot of healthy profits
out of this town.
I'd just like to give some of them profits back
in its time of need.
(Engine spluttering and revving)
Oh, there's Benjamin Whitemoon.
Hmph! In a chauffeur-driven limousine.
Now, Martha, be nice to him.
Oh, I'll be nice to him all right.
Because you want me to be.
But don't let him take too much advantage.
You're too good to these people, Ray.
(Gears crunching)
Oh, dust all over your war paint, Chief.
I should have learned by now
never to paint you on a dry day.
Yatahey, Ray Spruce.
Howdy, Benjamin.
Yatahey, Chief Wood'nhead.
(Laughs) The Chief says Yatahey.
What can I do for you this afternoon?
- May we go inside?
- Oh, yes. Sure, sure.
What can I get for you, Benjamin?
I am ashamed to stand inside this place
while my people are so much
in your debt, Ray Spruce.
There's no shame for an honest man,
Benjamin.
Times have been tough for all of us.
What do you need?
Good afternoon, Martha Spruce.
Good afternoon, Benjamin.
I have brought you this.
What in the...? What in the world is this?
It is the "alinneh".
(Speaks Navajo)
These are the things
my people hold precious.
Each family has offered
one of its most cherished treasures.
You will keep them until our debts are paid.
If we cannot pay in two autumns,
the "allineh" are yours forever.
No!
No, no. There's no way I can accept this.
(Speaks Navajo)
(Speaks Navajo)
Uh, wait, Benjamin.
Wait.
Wait. Wait.
Wait.
Look.
There's no way in hell I'm going to take
these things away from your people.
It is a bad thing to borrow.
It is a worse thing to beg.
While you hold the "allineh",
we are borrowers.
We can still have pride.
If you give the treasure back to us,
you make us beggars again.
Such insult could never be forgiven.
(Speaks Navajo)
Good afternoon, Martha Spruce.
Goodbye, Benjamin. I mean...
(Clears throat)..good afternoon.
- Keep them safe.
- I'll guard them with my life.
Times are gonna take an upturn, Benjamin.
(Sniffs) I can smell prosperity in the air.
(Speaks Navajo)
I wish that it could be.
Hágoónee, friend.
Hágoónee.
(Martha) Oh, Benjamin.
I was just scolding Ray.
I was telling him that he puts
too much trust in people,
that they've never earned it
and they don't deserve it.
Well, you, you and your people have
certainly proven me wrong.
Hágoónee, Chief Wood'nhead.
(Car starting up)
(Ray) Oh, this is good country, Martha.
It'll come back to life some day.
It'll come back to life.
I'll finish your war paint
tomorrow, Chief. (Chuckles)
That's a promise.
How!
(Roars with laughter)
Go ahead, boys. Take what you want.
Wait a minute.
You...you can't just come in here...
Shut up, white eyes. Just shut the fuck up.
Or I'll shove something in your mouth
to keep you quiet.
Hey, Sam. Why don't we shove this
in his mouth?
(Whirring)
No! Shove this in his mouth.
Heep big! (Cackles)
You're disgusting.
Sam Whitemoon, you're a disgrace
to your people.
I said shut up, old man.
Your uncle Benjamin was just here.
He's one of the best men I know.
Hard to believe the same blood flows
in your veins.
I guess you don't hear so good, shitface.
I said shut up!
We're just here to do a little shopping.
We didn't get everything we needed
last time we were in.
You asked us to leave.
Remember, old man?
You were stealing things.
(Scoffs) We're stealing things now.
Why don't you ask us to leave, pruneface?
(Drawling) Yeah, why don't you
run us out of town, Sheriff?
Ask us nice. Say please.
- Pretty please, with sugar on it. Rarrr!
- (Cash register tings)
- Is this all the cash you got?
- That's all.
- Empty your pockets.
- I haven't got...
Empty your fucking pockets, asshole.
(Sam) Or I'll ask my buddy to bring me
something off the hardware shelf
that I can use to slice off your fingers.
(Crashing)
Fat Stuff
When we came in the back,
I saw a purse. Go get it, lady.
(Cash register closes)
Move, lady, or I'm gonna blow off
your old man's... (Navajo)!
- Any cute stuff back there...
- (Slap)
..I'll pull this trigger.
- This thing work?
- What?
The photo machine, does it work?
Yes.
(Sam) Look at this.
Phooo, look at this sweetheart.
Tell me this ain't a movie star.
What, are you kidding?
They gotta make me a movie star.
Hey, as soon as they see this hair,
they're gonna say, "Sam,
"get over here.
"Get in front of these cameras.
"There's 1 00 million women out there,
"just waiting to run that hair
between their legs."
Nine years it took me to grow this hair, man.
I'm not just fucking around here.
I'm going to Hollywood, man.
This hair is gonna get me paid and laid.
Over here, lady.
(Louder) Over here, lady.
Now, I want you to stand right over here
and don't move, OK?
Give me that.
(Buzzer and whirring)
Look at this.
Look at this.
Hey.
Hey, you know that movie,
about the guy that's got, like,
superpowers and shit because of his hair?
Then this bitch cuts his hair off.
And he gets weak.
He gets like an ordinary guy.
You know that movie?
I'm better-looking
than the guy in that movie.
- Don't you think?
- (Pinball dings)
Here, take a look.
Take a look.
Uh-uh! Stay right where you are, old man.
Unless you wanna see your lady in pieces.
Sam.
There's no cash around here,
we got all the shit we need. Let's go.
Not yet, rich boy.
- Did you know my buddy here was rich?
- No.
Well, his old man's rich. His old man
bought my buddy here a Firebird.
A fucking Firebird
that's gonna fly us all to Hollywood, USA.
And one more step and...bam!
Sam, there's nothing left for us to take.
There's nothing here we need.
Maybe there's nothing else you need,
rich boy.
But there's something else I need.
Go get your car, Cavanaugh.
Get your fucking car, rich boy. We're leaving
for LA sooner than we figured.
Hey, Cavanaugh.
You run out on me and I'll find you.
I ain't running out on you, Sam.
I ain't running nowhere.
- We're all in this together.
- Yeah, I know that, Sam.
There's one more item you have to turn over
if you want this woman to live.
What is it?
That bag of rock candy
my uncle brought here today.
That's it in your hand, isn't it?
Toss it over here and I'll let the lady go.
Sam, what are you talking about?
What do you mean, rock candy?
There's $10,000 worth of silver and stone
in that bag, man.
- The keys to the city of Los Angeles.
- (Martha yelps)
- Is that true, old man? Let me see.
- Sam, you can't take this.
This belongs to your people, to the tribe.
- No! Stop it!
- These are treasures
your people have had for years.
- If you take them...
- Stop it!
(Gunshot)
(Fat Stuff) Holy God! Holy Jesus!
Martha?
Martha?
Let's go, Fat Stuff.
We got some money that needs spending.
Holy shit! Holy Jesus!
I've never seen nothing like that before.
Yeah.
Well, now you've seen it.
Now you're gonna forget it.
- Forget it?
- That's right, Fat Stuff.
Forget it.
We're going to Hollywood, Vince.
Hollywood?
You mean all of us? Me, too?
I wouldn't leave you behind, Fat Stuff.
Shit, man. I gotta have my slave with me
wherever I go.
Hollywood.
It's OK.
There's nobody around.
We're outta here.
We're outta here, Fat Stuff.
We're outta here, man.
We're outta here for good.
No more of this bullshit, man.
No more eatin' dust for a livin'.
There ain't no dust in Hollywood, man.
And there ain't no fuckin' tribe of
tommin', wimpy-assed red men, neither.
(Howls)
- (Engine revving)
- Sam, come on, let's get outta here.
(Creaking)
We leave tonight.
What?
Yeah, whatever you say, Sam.
We all go home, round up
whatever shit we wanna take.
Rich boy, you pick me up at eleven.
Then we'll go get Fat Stuff.
How about it, Fat Stuff?
(Laughs nervously)
(Howls)
(TV in background)
(Dog howls)
(TV) 'Here's O. Henry's famous
Robin Hood of the old West...
'the Cisco Kid!'
(Belches)
Mm-hm.
(Man on TV) 'Loco!'
- (High-pitched) Loco!
- 'Loco!'
'Loco!'
(High-pitched) Loco!
(Horse whinnies on TV)
(Horse whinnies on TV)
'Loco!'
- Lo...
- (Whizzing then thud)
(Coughs)
(Whizzing then thud)
(Whizzing then thud)
(Man on TV) 'Loco!'
'Loco!'
(Mechanism whirring)
(Sweeping romantic music on TV)
'Reach, mister.'
'Cisco, it's me, Poncho.'
'Don't you realise me?'
'There is something vaguely familiar about
you but, my, how you have changed.'
- (Thud, splintering glass)
- (Horse whinnies on TV)
(Smashing glass)
'Poor Diablo.'
- (Smashing glass)
- 'He wouldn't whinny if Loco wasn't around.'
'l look but I don't see...'
(Smashing glass)
'Look, Cisco, he realises me
even in my stripes.'
'Yes, Loco has more sense than you.'
(Whirring)
'You'll regret double-crossing me, Cisco.'
'l still say it's for your own good, Bob.
I know what I'm doing.'
- 'Why do you want to...?'
- Look at this sweetheart.
There's no way this kid can miss.
'And we don't like to do that to our friends.'
- 'Friends, my eye.'
- (Thud)
No.
You're not alive, man.
You can't be alive.
Come on, man! Come on!
(Blood-curdling yell)
(Yell continuing, slowing fading)
(Chickens clucking)
Now...
may your spirit rest, old warrior.
Hágoónee.
Hágoónee.
(Creep) 'Well, kiddies,
'that was quite a price
for young Sam Whitemoon to pay.'
'To pay, huh?'
Here's your package, Billy.
COD. Nine dollars and 99 cents.
Quite expensive for a toy
ordered out of a funny paper.
Creepshow is not a funny paper.
And this is no toy.
Well, what is it then?
It's a Venus flytrap bulb.
A Venus what bulb?
Venus flytrap. It's a plant that eats meat.
(Roars)
All that stuff's a jig.
Those are probably just petunia bulbs.
I don't think so, Mr Haig.
Still here, kiddies?
Well, if old Chief Wood'nhead
didn't drive you away,
you might enjoy this next splintering tale
whittled from the same wormwood.
It's a splashing little ditty
about some people who are
left stranded without a paddle
on a sea of blood.
This bubbly bonbon is titled...
The Raft.
(# Rock music blaring)
(Tyres screeching, hooting)
(Man)..thank you for waiting.
- (Woman) Pass the joint.
- (Man) Pass the joint!
Ha-ha!
Whoa! Pass the joint! Pass the joint!
It's almost Halloween, Randy. Cascade
Reach has been closed since Labor Day.
The raft will be there. I saw it last week.
We were on a geology field trip.
Just cos you saw it there last week
don't mean it's gonna be there now.
- (Hooter plays tune)
- Hey, Rachel!
Quiet down. You talk too much.
The raft... It'll be there. The raft...
(Coughs)..will be there.
A little bit of...
(Continues coughing)
Whoo!
Because what?
A little bit of summer
that somebody forgot to clean up.
The guys that own the lake
don't pull the raft in until the lake's
almost ready to freeze.
Well, it had better be there, Poncho.
This has been a long 50 miles.
I don't believe we're going swimming.
Why not? It'll be fun.
Right? (Whoops)
Whoa, personal foul.
Illegal use of hash, number 32.
- (Mimicking applause)
- The crowd goes crazy.
(Tyres squealing)
(Whooping)
Whoo! Whoa, yeah!
- (Girl laughs)
- Man!
There it is, just like you said, man.
God, it's beautiful.
It's so quiet.
There are only
a few summer homes on the lake.
Yes, everyone's gone by mid-September.
- (Whoops)
- You're actually gonna do it?
Swim out to that raft.
(Laughter)
(Girl) Stop! Deke!
Let's go!
- Jesus!
- Easy, Cisco! That water's 45 degrees.
50, tops. Your heart could stop.
I'm a premed. I know about these things.
Let's go.
(Deke) Let's go!
- Shit!
- (Laughter)
Come on! It's not so bad once you're in.
That's bullshit. Bullshit, man.
Just playing Deke's game
cos you hope to get laid out here.
Too damn cold to get laid.
Balls are gonna turn into ice cubes.
(Laughs)
Let's go, Poncho! Vámonos.
- Vente.
- Oh, Cisco.
Oh, Poncho!
(Randy) Laverne, Rachel, come on!
Oh, this is crazy, totally crazy.
(Boys whoop)
Yeah!
Oh, God! Oh, God!
(Gasps)
(Shrieks and gasps)
(Rock music still blaring)
- (Randy) Whoa!
- Whoo!
Hey, Poncho, how are you doing?
OK.
(Duck quacking)
Whoo!
(Duck squawks in distress)
- (Grunts) How you doing, Poncho?
- OK.
You think it's cold now, man.
Wait till you get out.
- Oh, shit.
- Oh, you are slow, Poncho.
Cold enough for you. Huh?
- You sobered up yet?
- Yeah.
I'm sober. I'm s-s-sober.
- How are you doing, ladies?
- (Girl) Go to hell!
Oh, Jeez.
Laverne, Rachel, swim! Come on!
(Deke) Come on, Rachel.
Come on.
- Look out.
- Don't tip the raft.
Don't tip the raft. Come on, Rachel.
# Don't tip the raft, don't tip the raft, baby! #
Ow! I really hurt my knee.
Come on, you'll be all right.
Randy, that hurt! What is it with you?
Laverne, swim faster!
Laverne, come on! Swim faster!
- Come on!
- Randy, what is your problem?
Man...
Help me get her up here!
(Randy) Swim! Swim!
Faster!
Swim! Come on, Laverne!
Come on.
- Come on.
- (Laverne gasps)
Randy, have you gone crazy?
This thing, I don't know what the hell it is.
It's an oil slick. I guess.
It's not. Have you ever seen
a perfectly round oil slick?
- I've never seen an oil slick at all.
- (Laverne) I'm cold!
Besides, Poncho,
I don't believe in oil slicks, man.
I only believe in what I can smell, taste...
and touch.
Hey, baby, smoke one of these.
This will make us all feel better.
- Looks like it was going for the girls.
- Come on, Poncho!
You said you'd sobered up!
- It looked like it was going after the girls.
- (Lighter clicks)
No one knows we're here.
No one at all.
(Music blaring on radio)
You ever even seen an oil slick, Poncho?
(Laverne) Ow! (Giggles)
Mmm. (Squeals)
(Laverne giggling)
Well, how about it, Poncho?
You ever seen an oil slick?
Randy and I saw one on the Cape
about four years ago.
We pulled birds out of the surf
and tried to clean them.
Ooh, mucho ecological, Poncho,
mucho ecological.
That oil slick we saw was just
this big sticky mess in the water
and streaks and smudges.
It looked like an accident.
This thing doesn't look like an accident,
it looks like...it's on purpose.
Well, what is it then, Randy?
What is it?
(Bubbling)
I-I don't know.
I can't get grieved about it, man. I mean...
(lnhales sharply)
No matter how hard I try,
I just can't get worried about it.
You know what I mean? (Laughs)
(Laverne) Oh, Deke! (Laughs)
(Deke laughs, lights up)
(Laverne laughs) Oh, stop!
(Bubbling)
- (Laverne) Ow!
- Get away from there, Rachel!
Randy!
(Screams)
(Giggling) What happened to her?
Did she fall in?
H-H-Help! It hurts.
No, Randy, no!
(Screams) It hurts!
Oh, my God!
(Randy) Rachel! Rachel!
Randy, no! She's dead, can't you see that?
It ate Rachel. It fucking ate her up, man!
- What is this thing, Poncho?
- I don't know.
I don't know.
Come on, man. You read
the science books. You're the brainball.
What the fuck is that thing?
Nothing like this in any science book
I ever read.
(Laverne, hysterical) Deke, it ate Rachel!
- (Screams)
- Shut up!
- Think we can swim past it, Randy?
- No!
Stop it or I swear to God
I'm gonna smoke you.
I'm not kidding.
Poncho, do you think we can swim it?
You saw how fast it took Rachel.
Maybe it was hungry then. Maybe it's full.
(Randy) Why don't you try, Deke?
We're gonna wait.
We'll wait for it to go away.
The thing came, it'll go away.
- (Breathes heavily)
- It came when we came.
I saw it come.
Like it smelled us.
Maybe if it's full like you say...
it'll go away.
But if it still wants chow...
(Rock music blaring on radio)
It's moving!
(Screams)
Hey! What is this shit, Poncho?
It looks like it's going under the raft.
Did it go under us? Did it go under the raft?
Is it under us?
Yeah, and I'm gonna swim for it. Right now.
No! Don't leave us here! Don't!
I'm fast and I can make it.
You've gotta go while it's under the raft.
(Vicious crunching)
(Yells in agony)
My foot!
Pull, Deke, pull!
(Randy) Come on!
(Deke yelling)
(Screams)
Deke!
(Gurgling)
- Shit!
- No! No!
Quit it, it's under us!
Laverne, you're choking me! Stop!
Now, listen. I'm gonna put you down.
(Screaming) No, don't put me down!
- It can't get you if you stand on a board.
- It can't?
I can't hold on. I'm not Deke.
Now get down or I'll drop you.
- Keep on the boards.
- No. My God!
I'll drop you.
Where is it?
Right under us.
Randy, please!
Shh! Be still.
(Laverne sobs)
I'm tired, Laverne.
I'm going to sit down.
You're going to watch for a while.
No, I can't.
You've got to, Laverne.
You'll watch, then I'll watch.
We'll take turns.
Keep your feet...on the boards.
And watch the shore for lights...
- or anything that might...
- It ate Deke.
Yes.
(Laverne) I'm cold.
(Sighs) Me, too.
Randy, what are we gonna do?
(Randy sighs)
Wait.
(Bubbling)
(Blows)
- (Distant scream)
- (Shrieks)
It's only a loon.
I'm freezing, Randy. I'm numb all over.
Nothing I can do about it.
Hold me. You've got to.
We'll hold each other.
We can both sit and watch
that thing together.
OK.
(Birdsong)
(# Rock music blaring)
(Moans)
No...
No.
Oh, God!
(Screams) Randy!
Randy!
Randy! Randy!
Randy!
Randy!
(Bloodcurdling scream)
I beat you.
Whatever you are, I beat you!
(Screams)
(# Rock music blaring)
(Gurgling)
# Drivin'
# To the edge of time
# Tryin'
# To get it out of my mind
# All my friends said
you'd better watch that girl
# She's a taker, she's a faker
# And now I'm finding out
what she's all about
# At night this woman
is a dream-breaker... #
'(Creep) Well, swimmers,
that was slick, huh? (Chuckles)
'(Cackles)'
(Brakes screech)
Hey! Give me that back!
Ah... Look at what I did.
(Bully) I'm sorry.
Uh-oh.
Better look out - he's getting mad!
Watch out, he might cry on you.
He might tell his mom on you.
What are you gonna do with this? Plant it
and grow more pansies like yourself?
(All laugh)
Give me it!
(All laugh)
- Give me it or else.
- Or else what?
You'll find out, pimpleface!
Aagh.
Catch him! I want his ass.
Young Billy knows his way around town.
They won't catch him in a hurry.
I think we've got time for
one more creepy concoction.
Our last morbid masterpiece,
which I call The Hitch-Hiker.
(Cars hooting)
Jesus! It's 1 1 :15.
I gotta go.
Something must be wrong
with your alarm clock.
What?
Something must be wrong with
your alarm clock.
(Sighing) Oh, yeah.
Must have been a power outage.
It always goes to twelve like this
when the power goes off.
- What time did you say it was?
- 1 1 :1 5.
- Goddamn piece of digital junk.
- (Alarm beeps)
Could land me in divorce court.
- Why don't you use a wind-up alarm clock?
- Cos I don't have one.
- Get one. I'll pay for it.
- (Car hooting)
No, I hate the way they sound. They sound
like school bells between classes.
This electronic alarm sounds like...
early-morning birdsong.
It makes me think
that I'm waking up outdoors.
I didn't know you were the outdoor type.
Annie, please. Come on.
You've got your Mercedes.
I'm never gonna get mine at these prices.
It's what you quoted me.
It's what I've been paying you.
A special introductory rate.
That's what this was.
I see. Hook 'em, then up the price.
Is that it?
Are you hooked?
- Maybe.
- Maybe.
I do my job well, I expect to be paid well.
Now, come on. I counted six orgasms.
And you probably had others...
silently, so I wouldn't get a swelled head.
You charge by the orgasm?
Good idea. Maybe I should.
Then I'd have something to work for.
- Piece work.
- (Annie laughs)
You have no shame.
Next week.
Unless I get a better-paying job.
Bye, love.
I hope you're not in Dutch.
I can get you a good attorney
if it comes to that.
I've got a good attorney.
My husband.
And I don't wanna lose him.
Without him,
you'd never get your Mercedes.
(Laughs)
Mrs Annie Lansing,
winner of the 100-yard dash,
will attempt to do the impossible.
Twenty miles in...
seven minutes.
Jesus, that really is impossible.
Maybe he'll be late.
No, not Mr George Lansing, Esquire.
- Unthinkable.
- (Tyres screech)
1 1 :30 means 1 1 :30.
Not 1 1 :29...
not 1 1 :31...
but 1 1 :30.
What will I say?
I was...
I was out with Trudy and Jim.
No.
We'll see Trudy and Jim on Saturday.
I, uh...
I...went to see a movie.
I went to get laid, George.
There's this wonderful guy.
He charges $150, but that's for six -
count 'em! - six orgasms.
That's, uh...
$25 a pop.
Not bad.
What do you think, George?
- Shit!
- (Tyres screech)
"It's real leather, Mrs Lansing.
That will cost you $1,743 dollars."
Damn!
Jesus!
(Screams)
(Sighs)
(Wind howling)
(Car approaching)
(Alarm beeping)
Hey, buddy!
What the fuck happened?
Looks like a hit and run.
Yeah?
Car blew by me a little while ago.
Couldn't see the lights.
Don't know what the hell it was.
Looks like a black guy, huh?
- (Man answers)
- 91 1.
I want to report a hit and run.
- The victim's dead.
- What's happening?
What do you think's happening?
Guy got creamed, that's what.
It happens all the time.
About a quarter mile from
the on-ramp on 395.
Right.
(Hooting)
All right, Annie.
Calm down.
Think.
Think rationally.
Can you live with this?
That's the question.
A guy's dead.
No.
You don't actually know that.
You don't know that...
for certain.
It's done.
It was an accident, a legitimate accident.
So why should I fuck up my life, right?
(Sighs)
(Radio stations flip)
(Woman) 'You'd better get away...'
(# Baroque music)
Oh, God!
I could always turn myself in
if I find I can't live with it.
I could turn myself in...
Iater.
Nothing coming. Nobody following me.
I don't think the truck saw me.
The guy in the car was too far away
to identify me, I'm sure of that.
(Music stops)
(Tyres screech)
(Horn blares)
You're seeing things, bitch.
You can't live with it.
I can't live with the idea that...
How are you doing, lady?
Thanks!
Thanks for the ride.
(Tyres squeal)
Bastard.
(Screams) No!
No! No!
Thanks for the ride, lady!
Thanks for the ride, lady!
Thanks for the ride!
(Yells)
Thanks for the ride, lady!
(Screams)
(Annie sobs)
(Whirring)
Oh, God!
(Sighs)
(Owls hoot)
(Owls hoot)
Damn.
(Screams)
How are you doing, lady? Thanks.
Thanks for the ride.
- (Gunshot)
- (Groans)
- Thanks for the ride, lady.
- (Screams)
(Clicking)
(Car engine starts)
(Annie) I got you!
I got you!
(Tyres screech)
Bastard!
(Wind howling)
Who is he?
Who the hell is he? Christ!
Oh.
(Whimpers)
Oh.
Look at this car.
Three thousand, maybe four...
"Four thousand, Mrs Lansing,
"and the car will look like
you just drove it out of the showroom."
(Laughs) "What happened, Mrs Lansing?"
Oh, I ran over some guy
and over and over and over and over...
and...
No.
No, it's impossible!
(Gasps) No.
(Wailing) Oh, God!
"That'll cost you, Mrs Lansing."
(Owl hooting)
(Moans softly)
I hit a tree.
I hit a tree, that's all.
The whole thing was a dream.
There was no hitch-hiker.
There was nobody at all.
Oh, Jesus.
(Groans)
Jesus.
But where the hell am l?
Oh, I've gotta get back on the road.
(Sighs)
You are one screwed-up broad,
Mrs Lansing.
(Sighs)
Maybe I've had a concussion.
What are you supposed to do
for a concussion?
(Sighs) "Well, concussion, Mrs Lansing."
"That'll cost ya.
"$27,000.
"l know it sounds like a lot
"but you're gonna look like you just
drove yourself out of the showroom."
Mrs Lansing the money machine.
Ha!
Well, at least this will explain
why I'm getting home so late.
"l had an accident, dear.
"lt was a really frightening experience."
I don't believe it.
He's not home.
For the first time in recorded history,
he's late.
My car gets smashed...
my brain gets bent...
and he's late.
Thanks for the ride, lady.
Thanks for the ride.
(Screams)
Thanks for the ride, lady.
(Screams)
Thanks for the ride, lady.
How much do you want?
Annie?
Annie.
(Creep) 'There's a lesson for you kiddies.
'Never pick up hitch-hikers.'
On the hood of your car. (Chuckles)
(Engine starts)
Well, (Sniffs) it's time for this boogie man
to...boogie.
I'll be slayin' ya, boors and ghouls.
Till next issue,
try to stay scared, eh?
Ooh, I almost forgot about young Billy.
I think he's found his way
with his friends.
(Creep cackles)
Kid, I'm gonna put you in traction.
Get ready for some serious pain.
- 'Serious pain.'
- (Bullies laugh)
(Roars)
(All scream)
No! (Screams)
No, no, no, no, no!
(Screams)
(Yells)
The Venus flytraps.
Giant Venus flytraps.
They eat meat.
(Cackling)
Oh-ho!
(Screeching)
(Cackles)
(Man laughing)
(Cackling)
I've never seen anyone so impatient, Billy.
As if your life depended on
getting the first copy off the presses.
(Cackling)
Aaah!
(Screeching)
(Cackling)
(Screeches)
(Thunder crashes)
(Thunder crashes)
(Booming voice) Welcome, kiddies...
to another edition of Creepshow.
It's amazing that you boors and ghouls
keep coming back for more.
You must be gluttons for punishment, eh?
(Guffaws)
Well... (Chuckles)
I guess you bloodsuckers
enjoy being repulsed, eh?
You're loyal to the gore.
Well, that's good.
We don't want any dead wood
in our fraternity of fright fairs
that just happens to be the subject
of our first nauseating novella,
a nasty little bonecracker titled
Old Chief Wood'nhead.
- (Dog barking)
- (Creep chuckles)
(Hammering on metal)
(Engine humming)
# Jimmy cracked corn and I don't care
# Jimmy cracked corn and I don't care
# Jimmy cracked corn and I don't care
# As long as I'm drinking
Jimmy's crack corn #
(Laughs)
Now, you stop that grinning. You've heard
me sing that silly song a thousand times.
Yeah, it's time for a touch-up, my old friend.
The sun's bleachin' out your colours again.
Now, I'm gonna try and keep
my hands steady.
But I ain't what I used to be.
There.
That ain't too bad. That ain't too bad at all.
We've got to keep your war paint fresh.
A big chief without war paint
is like...is like..
Like a storekeeper without a town
to sell his goods to.
Martha, me and the Chief been standing
on this porch for 30 years.
- We ain't about to move now.
- (She scoffs)
I'm not asking you to move, Ray.
I wouldn't want to move myself.
Well, what are you asking, Martha?
What do you want me to do?
I want you to quit, Ray. Just quit.
(Ray) Quit?
- You mean close the store.
- (Martha) Yes.
While you still have time left
to get something out of life
instead of always putting in.
Martha...
This store...made it possible
for us to get married.
This store sent the girls off to school.
This store has given us the savings
to give to our grandchildren.
This store, Ray, at one time,
sat in the middle of a thriving young town,
which seemed to have a future to it.
Look at it now.
The town of Dead River is
finally living up to its name.
It's dead, Ray.
The jobs have moved away,
the money has moved away...
Ray, it's been four days since you've had
a cash-paying customer.
It's been four weeks since anyone gave you
any money on a credit account.
(Sighs) If you keep supporting these people,
we won't have anything to leave
to the grandchildren,
except good intentions.
Well, there's worse things to inherit...
than good intentions, Martha.
- Good intentions built this country.
- Good intentions tore this country down.
They're beginning to tear you down.
Do you think these people care about you?
They'll take your charity until it dries up
and then they'll leave you.
You and...that wooden lndian of yours.
I won't dry us up, Martha.
I promise you that.
It's just that we took a lot of healthy profits
out of this town.
I'd just like to give some of them profits back
in its time of need.
(Engine spluttering and revving)
Oh, there's Benjamin Whitemoon.
Hmph! In a chauffeur-driven limousine.
Now, Martha, be nice to him.
Oh, I'll be nice to him all right.
Because you want me to be.
But don't let him take too much advantage.
You're too good to these people, Ray.
(Gears crunching)
Oh, dust all over your war paint, Chief.
I should have learned by now
never to paint you on a dry day.
Yatahey, Ray Spruce.
Howdy, Benjamin.
Yatahey, Chief Wood'nhead.
(Laughs) The Chief says Yatahey.
What can I do for you this afternoon?
- May we go inside?
- Oh, yes. Sure, sure.
What can I get for you, Benjamin?
I am ashamed to stand inside this place
while my people are so much
in your debt, Ray Spruce.
There's no shame for an honest man,
Benjamin.
Times have been tough for all of us.
What do you need?
Good afternoon, Martha Spruce.
Good afternoon, Benjamin.
I have brought you this.
What in the...? What in the world is this?
It is the "alinneh".
(Speaks Navajo)
These are the things
my people hold precious.
Each family has offered
one of its most cherished treasures.
You will keep them until our debts are paid.
If we cannot pay in two autumns,
the "allineh" are yours forever.
No!
No, no. There's no way I can accept this.
(Speaks Navajo)
(Speaks Navajo)
Uh, wait, Benjamin.
Wait.
Wait. Wait.
Wait.
Look.
There's no way in hell I'm going to take
these things away from your people.
It is a bad thing to borrow.
It is a worse thing to beg.
While you hold the "allineh",
we are borrowers.
We can still have pride.
If you give the treasure back to us,
you make us beggars again.
Such insult could never be forgiven.
(Speaks Navajo)
Good afternoon, Martha Spruce.
Goodbye, Benjamin. I mean...
(Clears throat)..good afternoon.
- Keep them safe.
- I'll guard them with my life.
Times are gonna take an upturn, Benjamin.
(Sniffs) I can smell prosperity in the air.
(Speaks Navajo)
I wish that it could be.
Hágoónee, friend.
Hágoónee.
(Martha) Oh, Benjamin.
I was just scolding Ray.
I was telling him that he puts
too much trust in people,
that they've never earned it
and they don't deserve it.
Well, you, you and your people have
certainly proven me wrong.
Hágoónee, Chief Wood'nhead.
(Car starting up)
(Ray) Oh, this is good country, Martha.
It'll come back to life some day.
It'll come back to life.
I'll finish your war paint
tomorrow, Chief. (Chuckles)
That's a promise.
How!
(Roars with laughter)
Go ahead, boys. Take what you want.
Wait a minute.
You...you can't just come in here...
Shut up, white eyes. Just shut the fuck up.
Or I'll shove something in your mouth
to keep you quiet.
Hey, Sam. Why don't we shove this
in his mouth?
(Whirring)
No! Shove this in his mouth.
Heep big! (Cackles)
You're disgusting.
Sam Whitemoon, you're a disgrace
to your people.
I said shut up, old man.
Your uncle Benjamin was just here.
He's one of the best men I know.
Hard to believe the same blood flows
in your veins.
I guess you don't hear so good, shitface.
I said shut up!
We're just here to do a little shopping.
We didn't get everything we needed
last time we were in.
You asked us to leave.
Remember, old man?
You were stealing things.
(Scoffs) We're stealing things now.
Why don't you ask us to leave, pruneface?
(Drawling) Yeah, why don't you
run us out of town, Sheriff?
Ask us nice. Say please.
- Pretty please, with sugar on it. Rarrr!
- (Cash register tings)
- Is this all the cash you got?
- That's all.
- Empty your pockets.
- I haven't got...
Empty your fucking pockets, asshole.
(Sam) Or I'll ask my buddy to bring me
something off the hardware shelf
that I can use to slice off your fingers.
(Crashing)
Fat Stuff
When we came in the back,
I saw a purse. Go get it, lady.
(Cash register closes)
Move, lady, or I'm gonna blow off
your old man's... (Navajo)!
- Any cute stuff back there...
- (Slap)
..I'll pull this trigger.
- This thing work?
- What?
The photo machine, does it work?
Yes.
(Sam) Look at this.
Phooo, look at this sweetheart.
Tell me this ain't a movie star.
What, are you kidding?
They gotta make me a movie star.
Hey, as soon as they see this hair,
they're gonna say, "Sam,
"get over here.
"Get in front of these cameras.
"There's 1 00 million women out there,
"just waiting to run that hair
between their legs."
Nine years it took me to grow this hair, man.
I'm not just fucking around here.
I'm going to Hollywood, man.
This hair is gonna get me paid and laid.
Over here, lady.
(Louder) Over here, lady.
Now, I want you to stand right over here
and don't move, OK?
Give me that.
(Buzzer and whirring)
Look at this.
Look at this.
Hey.
Hey, you know that movie,
about the guy that's got, like,
superpowers and shit because of his hair?
Then this bitch cuts his hair off.
And he gets weak.
He gets like an ordinary guy.
You know that movie?
I'm better-looking
than the guy in that movie.
- Don't you think?
- (Pinball dings)
Here, take a look.
Take a look.
Uh-uh! Stay right where you are, old man.
Unless you wanna see your lady in pieces.
Sam.
There's no cash around here,
we got all the shit we need. Let's go.
Not yet, rich boy.
- Did you know my buddy here was rich?
- No.
Well, his old man's rich. His old man
bought my buddy here a Firebird.
A fucking Firebird
that's gonna fly us all to Hollywood, USA.
And one more step and...bam!
Sam, there's nothing left for us to take.
There's nothing here we need.
Maybe there's nothing else you need,
rich boy.
But there's something else I need.
Go get your car, Cavanaugh.
Get your fucking car, rich boy. We're leaving
for LA sooner than we figured.
Hey, Cavanaugh.
You run out on me and I'll find you.
I ain't running out on you, Sam.
I ain't running nowhere.
- We're all in this together.
- Yeah, I know that, Sam.
There's one more item you have to turn over
if you want this woman to live.
What is it?
That bag of rock candy
my uncle brought here today.
That's it in your hand, isn't it?
Toss it over here and I'll let the lady go.
Sam, what are you talking about?
What do you mean, rock candy?
There's $10,000 worth of silver and stone
in that bag, man.
- The keys to the city of Los Angeles.
- (Martha yelps)
- Is that true, old man? Let me see.
- Sam, you can't take this.
This belongs to your people, to the tribe.
- No! Stop it!
- These are treasures
your people have had for years.
- If you take them...
- Stop it!
(Gunshot)
(Fat Stuff) Holy God! Holy Jesus!
Martha?
Martha?
Let's go, Fat Stuff.
We got some money that needs spending.
Holy shit! Holy Jesus!
I've never seen nothing like that before.
Yeah.
Well, now you've seen it.
Now you're gonna forget it.
- Forget it?
- That's right, Fat Stuff.
Forget it.
We're going to Hollywood, Vince.
Hollywood?
You mean all of us? Me, too?
I wouldn't leave you behind, Fat Stuff.
Shit, man. I gotta have my slave with me
wherever I go.
Hollywood.
It's OK.
There's nobody around.
We're outta here.
We're outta here, Fat Stuff.
We're outta here, man.
We're outta here for good.
No more of this bullshit, man.
No more eatin' dust for a livin'.
There ain't no dust in Hollywood, man.
And there ain't no fuckin' tribe of
tommin', wimpy-assed red men, neither.
(Howls)
- (Engine revving)
- Sam, come on, let's get outta here.
(Creaking)
We leave tonight.
What?
Yeah, whatever you say, Sam.
We all go home, round up
whatever shit we wanna take.
Rich boy, you pick me up at eleven.
Then we'll go get Fat Stuff.
How about it, Fat Stuff?
(Laughs nervously)
(Howls)
(TV in background)
(Dog howls)
(TV) 'Here's O. Henry's famous
Robin Hood of the old West...
'the Cisco Kid!'
(Belches)
Mm-hm.
(Man on TV) 'Loco!'
- (High-pitched) Loco!
- 'Loco!'
'Loco!'
(High-pitched) Loco!
(Horse whinnies on TV)
(Horse whinnies on TV)
'Loco!'
- Lo...
- (Whizzing then thud)
(Coughs)
(Whizzing then thud)
(Whizzing then thud)
(Man on TV) 'Loco!'
'Loco!'
(Mechanism whirring)
(Sweeping romantic music on TV)
'Reach, mister.'
'Cisco, it's me, Poncho.'
'Don't you realise me?'
'There is something vaguely familiar about
you but, my, how you have changed.'
- (Thud, splintering glass)
- (Horse whinnies on TV)
(Smashing glass)
'Poor Diablo.'
- (Smashing glass)
- 'He wouldn't whinny if Loco wasn't around.'
'l look but I don't see...'
(Smashing glass)
'Look, Cisco, he realises me
even in my stripes.'
'Yes, Loco has more sense than you.'
(Whirring)
'You'll regret double-crossing me, Cisco.'
'l still say it's for your own good, Bob.
I know what I'm doing.'
- 'Why do you want to...?'
- Look at this sweetheart.
There's no way this kid can miss.
'And we don't like to do that to our friends.'
- 'Friends, my eye.'
- (Thud)
No.
You're not alive, man.
You can't be alive.
Come on, man! Come on!
(Blood-curdling yell)
(Yell continuing, slowing fading)
(Chickens clucking)
Now...
may your spirit rest, old warrior.
Hágoónee.
Hágoónee.
(Creep) 'Well, kiddies,
'that was quite a price
for young Sam Whitemoon to pay.'
'To pay, huh?'
Here's your package, Billy.
COD. Nine dollars and 99 cents.
Quite expensive for a toy
ordered out of a funny paper.
Creepshow is not a funny paper.
And this is no toy.
Well, what is it then?
It's a Venus flytrap bulb.
A Venus what bulb?
Venus flytrap. It's a plant that eats meat.
(Roars)
All that stuff's a jig.
Those are probably just petunia bulbs.
I don't think so, Mr Haig.
Still here, kiddies?
Well, if old Chief Wood'nhead
didn't drive you away,
you might enjoy this next splintering tale
whittled from the same wormwood.
It's a splashing little ditty
about some people who are
left stranded without a paddle
on a sea of blood.
This bubbly bonbon is titled...
The Raft.
(# Rock music blaring)
(Tyres screeching, hooting)
(Man)..thank you for waiting.
- (Woman) Pass the joint.
- (Man) Pass the joint!
Ha-ha!
Whoa! Pass the joint! Pass the joint!
It's almost Halloween, Randy. Cascade
Reach has been closed since Labor Day.
The raft will be there. I saw it last week.
We were on a geology field trip.
Just cos you saw it there last week
don't mean it's gonna be there now.
- (Hooter plays tune)
- Hey, Rachel!
Quiet down. You talk too much.
The raft... It'll be there. The raft...
(Coughs)..will be there.
A little bit of...
(Continues coughing)
Whoo!
Because what?
A little bit of summer
that somebody forgot to clean up.
The guys that own the lake
don't pull the raft in until the lake's
almost ready to freeze.
Well, it had better be there, Poncho.
This has been a long 50 miles.
I don't believe we're going swimming.
Why not? It'll be fun.
Right? (Whoops)
Whoa, personal foul.
Illegal use of hash, number 32.
- (Mimicking applause)
- The crowd goes crazy.
(Tyres squealing)
(Whooping)
Whoo! Whoa, yeah!
- (Girl laughs)
- Man!
There it is, just like you said, man.
God, it's beautiful.
It's so quiet.
There are only
a few summer homes on the lake.
Yes, everyone's gone by mid-September.
- (Whoops)
- You're actually gonna do it?
Swim out to that raft.
(Laughter)
(Girl) Stop! Deke!
Let's go!
- Jesus!
- Easy, Cisco! That water's 45 degrees.
50, tops. Your heart could stop.
I'm a premed. I know about these things.
Let's go.
(Deke) Let's go!
- Shit!
- (Laughter)
Come on! It's not so bad once you're in.
That's bullshit. Bullshit, man.
Just playing Deke's game
cos you hope to get laid out here.
Too damn cold to get laid.
Balls are gonna turn into ice cubes.
(Laughs)
Let's go, Poncho! Vámonos.
- Vente.
- Oh, Cisco.
Oh, Poncho!
(Randy) Laverne, Rachel, come on!
Oh, this is crazy, totally crazy.
(Boys whoop)
Yeah!
Oh, God! Oh, God!
(Gasps)
(Shrieks and gasps)
(Rock music still blaring)
- (Randy) Whoa!
- Whoo!
Hey, Poncho, how are you doing?
OK.
(Duck quacking)
Whoo!
(Duck squawks in distress)
- (Grunts) How you doing, Poncho?
- OK.
You think it's cold now, man.
Wait till you get out.
- Oh, shit.
- Oh, you are slow, Poncho.
Cold enough for you. Huh?
- You sobered up yet?
- Yeah.
I'm sober. I'm s-s-sober.
- How are you doing, ladies?
- (Girl) Go to hell!
Oh, Jeez.
Laverne, Rachel, swim! Come on!
(Deke) Come on, Rachel.
Come on.
- Look out.
- Don't tip the raft.
Don't tip the raft. Come on, Rachel.
# Don't tip the raft, don't tip the raft, baby! #
Ow! I really hurt my knee.
Come on, you'll be all right.
Randy, that hurt! What is it with you?
Laverne, swim faster!
Laverne, come on! Swim faster!
- Come on!
- Randy, what is your problem?
Man...
Help me get her up here!
(Randy) Swim! Swim!
Faster!
Swim! Come on, Laverne!
Come on.
- Come on.
- (Laverne gasps)
Randy, have you gone crazy?
This thing, I don't know what the hell it is.
It's an oil slick. I guess.
It's not. Have you ever seen
a perfectly round oil slick?
- I've never seen an oil slick at all.
- (Laverne) I'm cold!
Besides, Poncho,
I don't believe in oil slicks, man.
I only believe in what I can smell, taste...
and touch.
Hey, baby, smoke one of these.
This will make us all feel better.
- Looks like it was going for the girls.
- Come on, Poncho!
You said you'd sobered up!
- It looked like it was going after the girls.
- (Lighter clicks)
No one knows we're here.
No one at all.
(Music blaring on radio)
You ever even seen an oil slick, Poncho?
(Laverne) Ow! (Giggles)
Mmm. (Squeals)
(Laverne giggling)
Well, how about it, Poncho?
You ever seen an oil slick?
Randy and I saw one on the Cape
about four years ago.
We pulled birds out of the surf
and tried to clean them.
Ooh, mucho ecological, Poncho,
mucho ecological.
That oil slick we saw was just
this big sticky mess in the water
and streaks and smudges.
It looked like an accident.
This thing doesn't look like an accident,
it looks like...it's on purpose.
Well, what is it then, Randy?
What is it?
(Bubbling)
I-I don't know.
I can't get grieved about it, man. I mean...
(lnhales sharply)
No matter how hard I try,
I just can't get worried about it.
You know what I mean? (Laughs)
(Laverne) Oh, Deke! (Laughs)
(Deke laughs, lights up)
(Laverne laughs) Oh, stop!
(Bubbling)
- (Laverne) Ow!
- Get away from there, Rachel!
Randy!
(Screams)
(Giggling) What happened to her?
Did she fall in?
H-H-Help! It hurts.
No, Randy, no!
(Screams) It hurts!
Oh, my God!
(Randy) Rachel! Rachel!
Randy, no! She's dead, can't you see that?
It ate Rachel. It fucking ate her up, man!
- What is this thing, Poncho?
- I don't know.
I don't know.
Come on, man. You read
the science books. You're the brainball.
What the fuck is that thing?
Nothing like this in any science book
I ever read.
(Laverne, hysterical) Deke, it ate Rachel!
- (Screams)
- Shut up!
- Think we can swim past it, Randy?
- No!
Stop it or I swear to God
I'm gonna smoke you.
I'm not kidding.
Poncho, do you think we can swim it?
You saw how fast it took Rachel.
Maybe it was hungry then. Maybe it's full.
(Randy) Why don't you try, Deke?
We're gonna wait.
We'll wait for it to go away.
The thing came, it'll go away.
- (Breathes heavily)
- It came when we came.
I saw it come.
Like it smelled us.
Maybe if it's full like you say...
it'll go away.
But if it still wants chow...
(Rock music blaring on radio)
It's moving!
(Screams)
Hey! What is this shit, Poncho?
It looks like it's going under the raft.
Did it go under us? Did it go under the raft?
Is it under us?
Yeah, and I'm gonna swim for it. Right now.
No! Don't leave us here! Don't!
I'm fast and I can make it.
You've gotta go while it's under the raft.
(Vicious crunching)
(Yells in agony)
My foot!
Pull, Deke, pull!
(Randy) Come on!
(Deke yelling)
(Screams)
Deke!
(Gurgling)
- Shit!
- No! No!
Quit it, it's under us!
Laverne, you're choking me! Stop!
Now, listen. I'm gonna put you down.
(Screaming) No, don't put me down!
- It can't get you if you stand on a board.
- It can't?
I can't hold on. I'm not Deke.
Now get down or I'll drop you.
- Keep on the boards.
- No. My God!
I'll drop you.
Where is it?
Right under us.
Randy, please!
Shh! Be still.
(Laverne sobs)
I'm tired, Laverne.
I'm going to sit down.
You're going to watch for a while.
No, I can't.
You've got to, Laverne.
You'll watch, then I'll watch.
We'll take turns.
Keep your feet...on the boards.
And watch the shore for lights...
- or anything that might...
- It ate Deke.
Yes.
(Laverne) I'm cold.
(Sighs) Me, too.
Randy, what are we gonna do?
(Randy sighs)
Wait.
(Bubbling)
(Blows)
- (Distant scream)
- (Shrieks)
It's only a loon.
I'm freezing, Randy. I'm numb all over.
Nothing I can do about it.
Hold me. You've got to.
We'll hold each other.
We can both sit and watch
that thing together.
OK.
(Birdsong)
(# Rock music blaring)
(Moans)
No...
No.
Oh, God!
(Screams) Randy!
Randy!
Randy! Randy!
Randy!
Randy!
(Bloodcurdling scream)
I beat you.
Whatever you are, I beat you!
(Screams)
(# Rock music blaring)
(Gurgling)
# Drivin'
# To the edge of time
# Tryin'
# To get it out of my mind
# All my friends said
you'd better watch that girl
# She's a taker, she's a faker
# And now I'm finding out
what she's all about
# At night this woman
is a dream-breaker... #
'(Creep) Well, swimmers,
that was slick, huh? (Chuckles)
'(Cackles)'
(Brakes screech)
Hey! Give me that back!
Ah... Look at what I did.
(Bully) I'm sorry.
Uh-oh.
Better look out - he's getting mad!
Watch out, he might cry on you.
He might tell his mom on you.
What are you gonna do with this? Plant it
and grow more pansies like yourself?
(All laugh)
Give me it!
(All laugh)
- Give me it or else.
- Or else what?
You'll find out, pimpleface!
Aagh.
Catch him! I want his ass.
Young Billy knows his way around town.
They won't catch him in a hurry.
I think we've got time for
one more creepy concoction.
Our last morbid masterpiece,
which I call The Hitch-Hiker.
(Cars hooting)
Jesus! It's 1 1 :15.
I gotta go.
Something must be wrong
with your alarm clock.
What?
Something must be wrong with
your alarm clock.
(Sighing) Oh, yeah.
Must have been a power outage.
It always goes to twelve like this
when the power goes off.
- What time did you say it was?
- 1 1 :1 5.
- Goddamn piece of digital junk.
- (Alarm beeps)
Could land me in divorce court.
- Why don't you use a wind-up alarm clock?
- Cos I don't have one.
- Get one. I'll pay for it.
- (Car hooting)
No, I hate the way they sound. They sound
like school bells between classes.
This electronic alarm sounds like...
early-morning birdsong.
It makes me think
that I'm waking up outdoors.
I didn't know you were the outdoor type.
Annie, please. Come on.
You've got your Mercedes.
I'm never gonna get mine at these prices.
It's what you quoted me.
It's what I've been paying you.
A special introductory rate.
That's what this was.
I see. Hook 'em, then up the price.
Is that it?
Are you hooked?
- Maybe.
- Maybe.
I do my job well, I expect to be paid well.
Now, come on. I counted six orgasms.
And you probably had others...
silently, so I wouldn't get a swelled head.
You charge by the orgasm?
Good idea. Maybe I should.
Then I'd have something to work for.
- Piece work.
- (Annie laughs)
You have no shame.
Next week.
Unless I get a better-paying job.
Bye, love.
I hope you're not in Dutch.
I can get you a good attorney
if it comes to that.
I've got a good attorney.
My husband.
And I don't wanna lose him.
Without him,
you'd never get your Mercedes.
(Laughs)
Mrs Annie Lansing,
winner of the 100-yard dash,
will attempt to do the impossible.
Twenty miles in...
seven minutes.
Jesus, that really is impossible.
Maybe he'll be late.
No, not Mr George Lansing, Esquire.
- Unthinkable.
- (Tyres screech)
1 1 :30 means 1 1 :30.
Not 1 1 :29...
not 1 1 :31...
but 1 1 :30.
What will I say?
I was...
I was out with Trudy and Jim.
No.
We'll see Trudy and Jim on Saturday.
I, uh...
I...went to see a movie.
I went to get laid, George.
There's this wonderful guy.
He charges $150, but that's for six -
count 'em! - six orgasms.
That's, uh...
$25 a pop.
Not bad.
What do you think, George?
- Shit!
- (Tyres screech)
"It's real leather, Mrs Lansing.
That will cost you $1,743 dollars."
Damn!
Jesus!
(Screams)
(Sighs)
(Wind howling)
(Car approaching)
(Alarm beeping)
Hey, buddy!
What the fuck happened?
Looks like a hit and run.
Yeah?
Car blew by me a little while ago.
Couldn't see the lights.
Don't know what the hell it was.
Looks like a black guy, huh?
- (Man answers)
- 91 1.
I want to report a hit and run.
- The victim's dead.
- What's happening?
What do you think's happening?
Guy got creamed, that's what.
It happens all the time.
About a quarter mile from
the on-ramp on 395.
Right.
(Hooting)
All right, Annie.
Calm down.
Think.
Think rationally.
Can you live with this?
That's the question.
A guy's dead.
No.
You don't actually know that.
You don't know that...
for certain.
It's done.
It was an accident, a legitimate accident.
So why should I fuck up my life, right?
(Sighs)
(Radio stations flip)
(Woman) 'You'd better get away...'
(# Baroque music)
Oh, God!
I could always turn myself in
if I find I can't live with it.
I could turn myself in...
Iater.
Nothing coming. Nobody following me.
I don't think the truck saw me.
The guy in the car was too far away
to identify me, I'm sure of that.
(Music stops)
(Tyres screech)
(Horn blares)
You're seeing things, bitch.
You can't live with it.
I can't live with the idea that...
How are you doing, lady?
Thanks!
Thanks for the ride.
(Tyres squeal)
Bastard.
(Screams) No!
No! No!
Thanks for the ride, lady!
Thanks for the ride, lady!
Thanks for the ride!
(Yells)
Thanks for the ride, lady!
(Screams)
(Annie sobs)
(Whirring)
Oh, God!
(Sighs)
(Owls hoot)
(Owls hoot)
Damn.
(Screams)
How are you doing, lady? Thanks.
Thanks for the ride.
- (Gunshot)
- (Groans)
- Thanks for the ride, lady.
- (Screams)
(Clicking)
(Car engine starts)
(Annie) I got you!
I got you!
(Tyres screech)
Bastard!
(Wind howling)
Who is he?
Who the hell is he? Christ!
Oh.
(Whimpers)
Oh.
Look at this car.
Three thousand, maybe four...
"Four thousand, Mrs Lansing,
"and the car will look like
you just drove it out of the showroom."
(Laughs) "What happened, Mrs Lansing?"
Oh, I ran over some guy
and over and over and over and over...
and...
No.
No, it's impossible!
(Gasps) No.
(Wailing) Oh, God!
"That'll cost you, Mrs Lansing."
(Owl hooting)
(Moans softly)
I hit a tree.
I hit a tree, that's all.
The whole thing was a dream.
There was no hitch-hiker.
There was nobody at all.
Oh, Jesus.
(Groans)
Jesus.
But where the hell am l?
Oh, I've gotta get back on the road.
(Sighs)
You are one screwed-up broad,
Mrs Lansing.
(Sighs)
Maybe I've had a concussion.
What are you supposed to do
for a concussion?
(Sighs) "Well, concussion, Mrs Lansing."
"That'll cost ya.
"$27,000.
"l know it sounds like a lot
"but you're gonna look like you just
drove yourself out of the showroom."
Mrs Lansing the money machine.
Ha!
Well, at least this will explain
why I'm getting home so late.
"l had an accident, dear.
"lt was a really frightening experience."
I don't believe it.
He's not home.
For the first time in recorded history,
he's late.
My car gets smashed...
my brain gets bent...
and he's late.
Thanks for the ride, lady.
Thanks for the ride.
(Screams)
Thanks for the ride, lady.
(Screams)
Thanks for the ride, lady.
How much do you want?
Annie?
Annie.
(Creep) 'There's a lesson for you kiddies.
'Never pick up hitch-hikers.'
On the hood of your car. (Chuckles)
(Engine starts)
Well, (Sniffs) it's time for this boogie man
to...boogie.
I'll be slayin' ya, boors and ghouls.
Till next issue,
try to stay scared, eh?
Ooh, I almost forgot about young Billy.
I think he's found his way
with his friends.
(Creep cackles)
Kid, I'm gonna put you in traction.
Get ready for some serious pain.
- 'Serious pain.'
- (Bullies laugh)
(Roars)
(All scream)
No! (Screams)
No, no, no, no, no!
(Screams)
(Yells)
The Venus flytraps.
Giant Venus flytraps.
They eat meat.
(Cackling)
Oh-ho!
(Screeching)
(Cackles)