Creeps (1956) - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

STOOGES:

Good night, children.

Now, be good little boys

and go right to sleep.

Not till you tell us

a bed time story.

Okay, okay.

Once upon a time,

there was a lion.

Was it a big lion, Daddy?

Yeah, was 50 feet

from tail to head,

50 feet from

head to tail,

100 feet altogether.

It was a dandy lion.

Oh, no.

Silly.

Tell us about brave knights,

Uncle Moe.

No knights. Tell us

a scary one about ghosts.

No knights and no ghosts.

Tell us one with

a lot of killings

and a lot of murders in it

so we can sleep real good.

I want knights.

No knights, ghosts.

Oh, oh.

Killings and murders I want.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Knights.

Ghosts.

[BABIES SHOUTING]

Quiet! Quiet!

All right. We'll tell

you one with knights,

ghosts and murders.

BABIES:

Goody, goody, goody.

Once upon a time,

your daddies and I

were in the trucking

and moving business.

Well, one night we were sent

to a spooky old castle

to pick up some antiques.

It was raining

cats and dogs.

And the wind was howling.

[STOOGES HOWLING]

[LAUGHING]

[THUNDER RUMBLES]

[WIND GUSTING]

So this is Smorgasbord Castle.

Light some candles.

Shemp, come on.

I'm coming.

This joint

gives me the creeps.

Uh-oh.

MOE:

Hey, Shemp, come on.

All right, I--

How do you like that?

It's stuck.

Quit stalling.

Hold your horses.

What are you stalling about?

You know we got

one night to move.

I can't help it,

my umbrella won't close.

You're just a dumbbell.

Give it to me.

I'll close it.

[SHEMP LAUGHS]

[GRUNTS]

Cut out the clowning.

We got work to do.

The sooner as we get out

of this spooky joint

the better I'll like it.

[DOOR SCREECHES]

[SNORTING]

Wh-What was that?

Why that was-- Wait,

that was the creaky door.

Hello, everybody,

this is Desmond

of the outer sanctorum.

Strange things will happen

in this mysterious castle.

[CACKLES]

Who could get along without

nights' bloody murder, hm?

Yes, there will be

strange happenings.

[CACKLES]

[SCREAMS]

[THUDDING]

Oh. Oh.

What happen?

Strange happenings.

That's strange.

Come on.

[GRUNTING]

[THUNDER RUMBLES]

I hate this castle.

People said it was haunted.

Ah, go on.

There's no such thing

as haunted houses and spooks.

That was just a coincidence.

Who this belongs to?

[WIND GUSTS]

[SCREAMS]

What happen?

Just a coincidence.

Fellas, let's get started.

Well, see...

Thank you.

Why are you

thanking me for?

I wasn't thanking you

for anything.

Then what with you

thanking me?

I didn't say a word.

But I did.

Why didn't you say so when

I first asked you?

I didn't say anything.

One of us is nuts

and it can't be you.

Right.

[LAUGHS]

Keep your big mouth shut.

Just a minute.

People have a right

to talk, you know.

Oh, a wise guy, eh?

[GRUNTS]

Let him alone.

Now, listen.

We gotta get busy.

You, help me getting the table

over the truck.

You, take the armor.

Come on.

All right.

Please, don't take me away.

I beg of you.

Put me down,

I beseech you.

[CRIES OUT]

[GRUNTS]

Ah.

[THUNDER RUMBLES]

What do you like?

That lazy...

Fine time to take a nap.

Get up out of here.

Look, Moe.

Look-- Moe.

Moe, I'm telling you--

Never mind, go on.

Help Larry,

I'll take the armor.

Nitwit.

Up you go.

Thank you,

you are a gentleman.

Oh, think nothing

of it, I--

That's funny.

For a minute a thought

that armor spoke to me.

I did.

[SCREAMS]

Hey, fellas. That suit of armor,

it's haunted.

It just spoke to me.

It spoke to me too.

Ah, you're goofy.

Honest, Larry.

It just spoke to me.

Yeah.

Ah, you fraidy-cats.

I'll take care of this.

Armor, talking.

If you got something to say,

say it now before

I dump you in the truck.

Heh. You guys must be dreaming.

Or maybe you don't talk English.

Parlez vouz Francais?

Oui, oui, monsieur.

[SPEAKING IN IRISH]

[REPLIES IN IRISH]

Oh, you see?

He don't talk English.

[GIBBERS]

[SCREAMS]

[SCREAMING]

[CRUNCHING]

Oh, hey, fellas.

Take it easy,

we'll get you outta there.

Hurry up.

Heave, ho.

[GROANS]

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Wait a minute.

You're right.

That armor is haunted.

It just spoke to me too.

Hey, it can't be possible.

Things like this

just don't happen.

Shemp, I think you better

go get the armor.

Moe, I think you better

go get the armor.

Wait a minute, I think we all

better go get the armor.

Let's not be afraid.

Come on, go ahead.

Have no fear, gentlemen.

I am a friendly spirit.

Come closer.

It's empty.

[KNOCKING WITHIN]

[KNOCKING WITHIN]

Oh, there goes

my quarter.

Wait a minute.

All right.

Hey, step aside.

Boy, you're really

a friendly spirit.

Give.

Oh-oh-oh-oh!

What did you said

your name was?

I am the spirit of Sir Tom,

the brave knight.

Unscrupulous antique dealers

want to sell my armor.

Don't let them do it.

Hey, spirits can't talk,

how come you're talking?

Oh, I am a live spirit.

[STOOGES GRUNT]

That does it.

Go on to the truck

and get that bottle.

I gotta have a drink.

Me too.

Me three.

Make it four.

I still think

I'm dreaming.

See if I'm awake.

Oh-h-h-h!

You're awake.

Yes, but you

won't be for long.

Come here.

Oh, let go, let go.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Spread out, you guys,

I got the bottle

Oh, boy.

Start pouring.

Okay.

[LIQUOR POURING]

Down the hatchet.

Hurray.

[CROAKS]

Why don't you

watch your manners?

[CROAKS]

Hey, cut it out.

Oh.

[METALLIC SLURPING]

Now, this is all very well, Tom,

but we got orders to move

all the junk out of here

including you.

Gentlemen, I warn you.

If you take me,

bad luck will pursue you.

Heed my warning.

Somebody's playing jokes on us.

This ain't possible.

Yeah, you get the rest

of the stuff,

I'll take this tin can out.

There's the, uh--

[GRUNTING]

Uh-oh, bad luck

is beginning to start.

Oh, fiddle sticks,

I'm fed up with spooks.

So am I. Come on, let's get this

junk out of here, come on.

Go ahead, I gotta get my hat,

go ahead.

MOE:

Hey, Shemp, come on.

Hold your horses,

will you?

Oh? Oh?

Oh, tricks hey?

Wise guy, eh?

You can make this hat

jump till doomsday,

but you won't frighten me again.

I'm through being scared of your

phony spooky business.

Ha-ha-ha, why--

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Uh-oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh, oh!

What's wrong

with you now?

That bad luck was down

my back biting me.

It was scratching me to death,

six lions would tear me apart,

bit by bit,

six lions.

Quit lying.

You're only stalling.

Go on, get busy.

Go ahead, we'll take this

chest first, get on it.

[ALL GRUNTING]

Wait a minute,

it's too heavy,

we'll have to take

it piecemeal.

You guys take

the junk of the top

and I'll take the drawers.

Hurry up.

[STOOGES SCREAMING]

[WIND GUSTING]

[SHEMP SCREAMS]

Greetings, gents.

I said, greetings that is.

Who-who--?

Who are you?

Me?

I'm Red.

Oh.

The red skeleton.

Catch.

Boy, am I glad

he's gone. I--

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING]

Don't be afraid now, boys.

But let's get out of here!

[ALL SHOUTING]

Wait a minute, fellas,

the spirit locked us in.

Hold it.

I'll bust that door down.

Stand aside.

Oh.

Moe, Moe, say if you're safe.

You all right?

Say something.

Say something.

Okay, I'm all right.

What we need

is a harder head.

I think you got

something there.

Let's go.

Right.

Hit, hit.

Hit.

Ho.

SHEMP: Wait a minute, fellows.

I think it's cracked.

What the door?

No, my head.

Listen, fellas,

I wanna get out of here.

Let's try that door.

LARRY:

Ah-ah-ah-ah.

[ALL WHIMPERING]

Why--

You--

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]

[GASPS]

Oh.

[GASPS]

Shemp,

what happened?

Shemp?

Talk to me.

Poor kid fainted.

You'll be all right.

[GRUNTS]

[SCREAMS]

Hey, Moe.

Hurry up.

What happened?

He fainted.

And that thing nearly

torn his head off.

[BARKING]

[STOOGES SCREAMING]

[SCREAMS]

How do you like that?

It's a fake.

Look, fellows,

let's stop dreaming.

Let's quit

acting like babies.

Will you?

Come on, let's get busy.

First thing goes on that truck

is the armor, come on.

Oh, no,

you won't take me,

I'll fix you.

No, Tom. Now, wait--

Why you tin can,

I'm going to snip you to pieces.

Moe, I'm sorry.

[CLANGS]

[WHIMPERING]

Well, that's your story,

now go to sleep.

But what happened

after that, Daddy?

He chopped our

heads off.

That's not a good story,

we want a better one.

Yeah, we want

a better one.

We want a story

to put us to sleep.

BABIES:

Yeah, we want a story

to put us to sleep.

[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

[NOTES RESOUNDING]

BABIES:

Night, daddy.

[BABIES SNORING]

[♪♪♪]